I will say one thing, in my 37 years on earth this breakup was by far and away the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It’s been two months and I am still utterly devastated. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and within 24 hours she became a total stranger and we have not spoken since. I’m not sure if I will ever look at women or trust the same way again.
Been there, felt that. Was deeply in love with a woman who flipped personalities on me, broke the relationship off, stabbed me in the back, and slandered my reputation. I still tried to patch things up with her despite the betrayal. It took two years to get over her, but now that I look back, I realize I dodge a bullet and see the breakup as a blessing. She broke it off and went no contact because I was onto who she really was. I saw through the mask and confronted her about a few things, and she went nuts on me. It has changed the way I look at women as well, but I haven't given up hope that I'll find someone eventually. Best of luck to you - I wish you patience in your healing process.
Hi mate! I thought I was the only that went through this. My discard was in March 23rd, 2024, almost 9 months have past and although I feel much better from the very first four months it has scarred me and left some sort of trauma that I am actually afraid to meet other women, sure I can date them but I am not emotionally available to have a relationship with another gal after this at least in the near future, I am actually scared of going through this again. Mate, I got discarded three months prior our civil wedding, no clear answers with amongst the things that she said were that she “needed” to do this but that she loved me she loved me but she needed to do it, after seeing this video it makes sense in a way how she needed to escape, also her mum was putting a lot of pressure to her from telling me ask propose all the way to when were we getting married?! It still hurts and sometimes I still cry and long for the illusion! Sucks!
You’re somewhere between psychic and psychologist with this video. This perfectly describes my DA ex. In 3 years I had never seen her cry, until one night after a few rocky weeks relationally. She asked for 2 weeks break, and started crying which shocked me, she didn’t even cry when she found out she had PKD. She then said, “I’ve never loved anyone more than you and I’ve never been loved better. This has been my happiest relationship.” I could barely say a word, other than I was worried and scared. We spent the night holding each other. Then in the morning I left. During that two weeks was our 3 year anniversary and Valentines day, where I reached out, left a handmade bouquet of flowers on her door step with a heart felt note. 2 weeks went, and i’ll be totally honest, I had been anxiously activated to the point where I felt abandoned, and was anticipating a breakup. When we met she ran up and hugged me, went to kiss me but saw I was off, and I saw a flicker in her eye. We walked a while and she told me about all the life developments she’d made in the 2 weeks, new friends, new hobbies, illustration classes, she then turns to me and says, “I think we should break up.” I gave her the bu and went on my way. Reached out a few times, a few times she projected a strong pull towards me, we always used to say we had invisible threads that connected us, as soon as she had a new man I knew as soon as I saw her. For the last time. I loved her with a true and genuine love, we were of the same vibration, it was all so easy and satisfying and I know she knows that. We had such a healthy spark and attraction for almost the full 3 years, I know that connection is rare and i’m unlikely to find someone of her like again. Now she’s dating some French guy with a twirly moustache!! He looks nothing like me, she always used to say how I was her perfect type looks wise, so figure that one out. I just hope it was worth the sacrifice and she’s happier than she was before, seems impossible to imagine.
This exactly describes the breakup with my DA. Exactly this. Emotional, vulnerable, and clearly involved though somewhat vague and unclear. 3 days later with space in between - abrupt, detached, definite. Absolute whiplash & blindsiding.
This is the first video that to a T describes what happened. I feel so sorry for her going through these fears. They are real, and almost tangible, and it pains me to see that she couldn't battle against the fears. Of course, I have my issues, I think I might also be a little avoidant sometimes, but anxious more often. But I am absolutely certain still that we could work out, if we both work on it. I see her for the person she truly is, and I respect her a lot for that. Man, I feel so sorry for her. She tried so hard to communicate too, and I didn't get it at the time, sadly it's too late now. Much love to anyone going through similar situations, regardless of attachment style.
I've noticed this once too, this guy I was kind of dating, one time, broke down in front of me as we were talking about his life and how he feels lost, he almost cried and I hugged him for support in a really intimate moment, then he said he had to go, got up and left, I was so happy, I thought this meant he trusts me to open up like this and that this was a sign of progress, but no from that day on he avoided me and acted like I mean nothing. Very hurtful
he was probably deeply afraid of something, maybe being seen again by you again in that light, because you saw him in a super vulnerable state, which he probably wasn't used to. Maybe I'm projecting but deep shame and fear of rejection can cause us to run like the wind lol.
@@Backinthedaseyep, he probably thinks he embarrassed himself at the very least. At worst he feels the need for distance in case you think less of him for it or use it against him.
6 дней назад
DA i dealt with so similar, was so hard to talk too then third date she broke down in tears in my arms saying please never leave her. Then she stonewalled any communication and tried dating someone else 2 months later. Its been like 6 months and im still questioning my reality and wtf that was.
Hi Laura, I love your delta formulation. And your focus on the sympathetic system, and it turning the person into a shadow of him/herself after fight/flight has activated, is the new nugget I got out of your great and concise video. Also, I've seen testimonies/analyses of DAs saying they sort of put up a front trying to fit in (many have social anxiety for instance) and so my personal hunch is... this means a fawn response is already triggered in the 4F response mechanism, which exhausts them, way before fear finally (and temporarily) takes over. Cheers from Paris!
This is insanely useful. I'm the opposite of an avoidant, I'm a very confrontational person, but I always go to great lengths to make the confrontation never antagonistic or judgemental, or even normative.
Thank you for the video… I’m 8 months since a blindside emotionally brutalizing discard breakup from my ex. We dated for 18 months, supported each other through two surgeries, hers 13 months ago (hysterectomy) and mine in February (prostate biopsy - negative)… A month after my surgery, and the day after a lovely, fun and passionate date, I get a TEXT “I can’t see you anymore, I wish yo well”… and it broke me… i called, texted, emailed… “can we talk” … and the next day, I get another text “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I. Just had a change of heart”… and not another word…. Since… I didn’t know anything about attachment styles, Avoidant…etc… and it took about a month to even start the very long process of connecting the dots, and the realization that it was NOT my fault. The part that has been so difficult to get my arms around is the seemingly shocking cold & heartless persona… Where did that come from? Was it just hidden, to only come out at my most vulnerable time? … I’ve read, studied, and done lots of reflection on this, and yes, I have some abandonment trauma in my history that got lit on fire and have been tending to those wounds… but, this l NEVER saw coming… The way you described it as a defense reaction to actually feeling the emotions for me & us, puts it in another light…. It changes the lasting impact of it being a lie, and my feeling used (that’s still very much there)…. To something not quite so sharp…. Don’t get me wrong, this all cut me quite to the bone, but in the last 8 1/2 months, I’m in a much better place, and clearly on the healing journey. ….. Thanks…..
I am so sorry you went through this. That sounds excruciating on multiple levels. I'm so glad that understanding how deactivation works to separate the avoidant from their feelings was helpful to you. It results in a robotic coldness that is easy to take personally, but it is actually a maladaptive strategy aimed at safety.
@@CoachLauraLea The way she progressively shut down and turned cold during the relationship caused me emotional turmoil that built up over time to where I became depressed and I didn’t understand why. Learning about avoidant’s behavior just makes me feel guilty for putting her through pain too. I tried to have emotional conversations, I tried to be emotionally safe but over time - I couldn’t handle it anymore. One of our last fights I called her selfish and robotic. That’s how it genuinely felt and I believe that was what sealed our fate. It feels impossible to move on, knowing that I made it worse and I pushed her away as much as she did me. The way she brutally discarded me makes me feel that “she didn’t deserve me” relief and ability to move on.. but hearing what was actually happening makes my heart hurt. Are we really supposed to move on and fall in love with other people when we could’ve healed together? She wasn’t willing to do couples therapy though. Makes me feel like I wasn’t worth fighting for.
One thing women and men aren't aware of, is when women get a hysterectomy their emotions change for the worse, that's why it's so important for women to get their hormones tested and get on hormone Replacement Therapy to balance out their hormones to previous levels before the hysterectomy so they can be normal and have an healthy life again and not destroy their relationship s with their partners/spouses!
You said they can’t look at you at you in the eyes. I had that happen. She was basically looking at the floor last time. I saw her in person. I was also going to say her voice kind of changed. Also it was deeper. I took her out for lunch later that day she texted me and said she threw it up. I have the exact same thing she had it was at a really nice restaurant so it wasn’t food poisoning. She was just sick of me and how much I cared about her. The whole thing is really sad.
For any women who've come across a guy like this, I'd have to apologize on our behalf, because this is totally me.. and literally happened with a girl i dated for a bit at my job. for me thought i was becoming more emotional as I slowly started to come out of the freeze state and my emotions began to become more prominent as I was constantly triggered in general. This was during us deciding not to see each other any more. I then began avoiding her more and more and becoming more cold , because certain fears around our relationship became extremely loud and present, that werent initially there. So in some cases, my case she, is EXTREMELY on the money with this.
Seems to me that once they've had the emotional conversation and made space their fears should subside not keep rising. Possibly instead once they have made the break they go cold or hostile to prevent themselves changing their mind because they're usually conflicted when they end a relationship. Plus going cold cements them in control and you as the problem and reason for the breakup. And lastly they often have someone new or an ex lined up so they go cold because they're hot for the shiny new toy.
This makes me very excited to see where the girl who discarded and blocked me 3 months ago will end up in the next few years. She’s a dancer so I can always find her to check in. And we were in an open thing and she will probably remain open so we will probably have sexual encounters in the future. But for the moment it’s still too fresh for her so she isn’t reaching out. Mutual friends are not useful in trying to reason with her either
An open relationship with a dancer who you seem to believe is an avoidant and apparently would like to get back with after she discarded and blocked you. Talk about the triumph of hope over experience.
@ what can I say I’m a romantic. Well actually I’m not trying to get back with her. Just have her in my life as a friend. Or get a debrief. I can’t bear how she left things
@ my ex actually has Crohns and recently after our breakup he was told he needed a repeat surgery where he has is precious one. His hospital work is very intense and I can imagine he’s going through a lot. The breakup happened 2 months ago, I’d reached out a few times, sent a nice letter, he was reciprocating, until last week that i suggested how I knew we both wanted to see eachother. I believe he blocked me. Now I’m left unsure what to do or feel, I have no choice now but to not look back. I keep thinking about what you said, their fears are definitely now overflowing their feelings. He’s never blocked me before, and for something so mild too.
I've watched a lot of videos by now on RUclips about DAs and to a lesser degree, FAs and I'm beginning to ask myself, is it possible to have any sort of healthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant person at all? When I ask myself that same question, but replace the term 'dismissive avoidant' with the terms 'narcissist' or 'BPD' the answer I arrive at from my life experiences is 'no'. As a result, I would not expect to have or want to have, a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has BPD as I know from experience that it is not possible to do so.
The consensus is : if they're NOT conscious/ working on it = no If they ARE working on it, maybe And the odds are better if the other person is secure, or, if avoidant, also becomes conscious of that and also works on it. Cheers
Everybody is on a spectrum. If she is severely avoidant your odds are spectacularly low, even if she's working on it. Not impossible but very difficult.
Hi! I would caution against swapping the words. While you may have seem some similar qualities, Dismissive Avoidance and Narcissism and BDP are all quite different, and are certainly not a given to coexist. Would you like for me to do a video on the possibility of a healthy relationship with a DA?
DAs are not narcissists we are generally the victims of parental narcissists (and sometimes a long-term spouse) If you Google 'how to deal with narcissists' you will come across something called 'gray rock' or something like that. DAs have learned to behave like that since childhood. It's second nature. It's that our psychological survival instincts are all geared towards dealing with narcs who have leverage over us. However, DAs suspect that everyone and anyone has the capacity to 'switch' on them and turn out to be a Narc. That's why we naturally and unwittingly 'grey rock' everyone. It can take a good six months, sometimes decades, to decifer whether someone is actually a narcissist so we have EXTREMELY low trust levels. While it may seem that we pretend to care but don't, we actually do, the emotions are all there. We do care, and we love deeply when we allow it, but we are very defensive, especially when it comes to our emotions and vulnerabilities. So we hide it or we distract ourselves with more practical matters. Or we talk ourselves out of it with rationale. If you hurt a DA deeply you will probably never know it as they will go to great lengths to ensure you don't. Because in their experience you could and would use that information as a weapon to hurt and manipulate them further. Further to that, DAs are more than capable of processing their pain and then moving on from it. Meanwhile the person they moved on from wasn't privy to the process, they just see the end result of the completely emotionally detached soon to be ex. It's easy to see why people think DAs are cold, uncaring and detached - it's because they remove themselves from the hurtful (or potentially hurtful) situation, privately process the emotions - sometimes with lots of tears and torment - then come out the other side of it simply 'over it'. Sometimes simply the risk of falling in love is too much vulnerability for a DA who will disappear on you simply because the risk of how much they could potentially fall in love with you is too high and would make them extremely vulnerable. (remember vulnerable to psychological torture, mistreatment, deception, entrapment etc, not just vulnerable in the normal sense, DAs are avoiding past trauma more than anything). It isn't even a thought process - it's a knee jerk reaction. All the DA feels is cortisol pumping through their veins and they have no choice but to give in to the overwhelming desire to run for it. Whatever you think of DAs - they are not toying with you for their own egotistical amusement with absolute disregard for your feelings and boundaries as a narcissist does. They don't wish to hurt you in any way.
There is a clear-cut, all or nothing answer to this. I am sure that there are DAs who, like most people, ultimately decide they're no longer interested in someone for other reasons than a "shut down/discard". However, in such circumstances, you would be talking about a more "traditional" breakup, rather than the above. In my experience, when there is the sharp deactivation and ensuing coldness, it is probably not because they don't care, but instead a response to their nervous system.
In the event that you haven't said or done something that they took offence to. Sometimes avoidants don't deliberately discard people, they are just wired a wee bit different, sometimes they just get busy with life or wander off on an adventure of their own. It may be a literal one or it may be a new project, hobby or interest. Avoidants are very independent and they don't expect people to be hurt by their disappearances. They often don't even realise they are missed, they certainly don't expect anyone to notice their departure all that much nor dwell on it. Sometimes in their head, as far as they are concerned, you are still their friend and they will enjoy catching up with you someday. They can then disappear for years if you don't touch base with them, not out of deliberation but simply because they are living in their own day to day existence. They may think of you fondly but it rarely triggers action towards making contact as they are likely to put it off indefinitely in favour of getting the next errand done.
@@CoachLauraLeaa video on FA's and lying. It seems a lot of people have experiences with FA's lying - a lot . Mine did in such a fashion that I suspect she didn't know herself. Like she fully believed the lies. Which makes it all the more frightening.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
I will say one thing, in my 37 years on earth this breakup was by far and away the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It’s been two months and I am still utterly devastated. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and within 24 hours she became a total stranger and we have not spoken since. I’m not sure if I will ever look at women or trust the same way again.
I hear you. There is nothing quite like it. Please let me know if there are ever any specific topics you would like me to address.
Been there, felt that. Was deeply in love with a woman who flipped personalities on me, broke the relationship off, stabbed me in the back, and slandered my reputation. I still tried to patch things up with her despite the betrayal. It took two years to get over her, but now that I look back, I realize I dodge a bullet and see the breakup as a blessing. She broke it off and went no contact because I was onto who she really was. I saw through the mask and confronted her about a few things, and she went nuts on me. It has changed the way I look at women as well, but I haven't given up hope that I'll find someone eventually. Best of luck to you - I wish you patience in your healing process.
❤i understand, i experienced it too.
Hi mate! I thought I was the only that went through this. My discard was in March 23rd, 2024, almost 9 months have past and although I feel much better from the very first four months it has scarred me and left some sort of trauma that I am actually afraid to meet other women, sure I can date them but I am not emotionally available to have a relationship with another gal after this at least in the near future, I am actually scared of going through this again. Mate, I got discarded three months prior our civil wedding, no clear answers with amongst the things that she said were that she “needed” to do this but that she loved me she loved me but she needed to do it, after seeing this video it makes sense in a way how she needed to escape, also her mum was putting a lot of pressure to her from telling me ask propose all the way to when were we getting married?! It still hurts and sometimes I still cry and long for the illusion! Sucks!
I experienced the same thing 1.5 year ago and I still haven't been able to trust anyone. It's truly debilitating.
You’re somewhere between psychic and psychologist with this video. This perfectly describes my DA ex.
In 3 years I had never seen her cry, until one night after a few rocky weeks relationally. She asked for 2 weeks break, and started crying which shocked me, she didn’t even cry when she found out she had PKD.
She then said, “I’ve never loved anyone more than you and I’ve never been loved better. This has been my happiest relationship.” I could barely say a word, other than I was worried and scared.
We spent the night holding each other. Then in the morning I left. During that two weeks was our 3 year anniversary and Valentines day, where I reached out, left a handmade bouquet of flowers on her door step with a heart felt note.
2 weeks went, and i’ll be totally honest, I had been anxiously activated to the point where I felt abandoned, and was anticipating a breakup. When we met she ran up and hugged me, went to kiss me but saw I was off, and I saw a flicker in her eye. We walked a while and she told me about all the life developments she’d made in the 2 weeks, new friends, new hobbies, illustration classes, she then turns to me and says, “I think we should break up.” I gave her the bu and went on my way. Reached out a few times, a few times she projected a strong pull towards me, we always used to say we had invisible threads that connected us, as soon as she had a new man I knew as soon as I saw her. For the last time.
I loved her with a true and genuine love, we were of the same vibration, it was all so easy and satisfying and I know she knows that. We had such a healthy spark and attraction for almost the full 3 years, I know that connection is rare and i’m unlikely to find someone of her like again. Now she’s dating some French guy with a twirly moustache!! He looks nothing like me, she always used to say how I was her perfect type looks wise, so figure that one out.
I just hope it was worth the sacrifice and she’s happier than she was before, seems impossible to imagine.
I'm sorry you went through this. It is SO painful. But you are still remaining kind and respectful, and I admire that. I wish you the absolute best!
This exactly describes the breakup with my DA. Exactly this. Emotional, vulnerable, and clearly involved though somewhat vague and unclear. 3 days later with space in between - abrupt, detached, definite. Absolute whiplash & blindsiding.
This is the first video that to a T describes what happened. I feel so sorry for her going through these fears. They are real, and almost tangible, and it pains me to see that she couldn't battle against the fears. Of course, I have my issues, I think I might also be a little avoidant sometimes, but anxious more often. But I am absolutely certain still that we could work out, if we both work on it. I see her for the person she truly is, and I respect her a lot for that. Man, I feel so sorry for her. She tried so hard to communicate too, and I didn't get it at the time, sadly it's too late now. Much love to anyone going through similar situations, regardless of attachment style.
I've noticed this once too, this guy I was kind of dating, one time, broke down in front of me as we were talking about his life and how he feels lost, he almost cried and I hugged him for support in a really intimate moment, then he said he had to go, got up and left, I was so happy, I thought this meant he trusts me to open up like this and that this was a sign of progress, but no from that day on he avoided me and acted like I mean nothing. Very hurtful
Yes that sounds like a very similar circumstance. It is so painful. I hope you're doing well.
he was probably deeply afraid of something, maybe being seen again by you again in that light, because you saw him in a super vulnerable state, which he probably wasn't used to.
Maybe I'm projecting but deep shame and fear of rejection can cause us to run like the wind lol.
@@Backinthedaseyep, he probably thinks he embarrassed himself at the very least. At worst he feels the need for distance in case you think less of him for it or use it against him.
DA i dealt with so similar, was so hard to talk too then third date she broke down in tears in my arms saying please never leave her. Then she stonewalled any communication and tried dating someone else 2 months later. Its been like 6 months and im still questioning my reality and wtf that was.
Being on the receiving end feels like you are locked in a madhouse...
Hi Laura, I love your delta formulation. And your focus on the sympathetic system, and it turning the person into a shadow of him/herself after fight/flight has activated, is the new nugget I got out of your great and concise video.
Also, I've seen testimonies/analyses of DAs saying they sort of put up a front trying to fit in (many have social anxiety for instance) and so my personal hunch is... this means a fawn response is already triggered in the 4F response mechanism, which exhausts them, way before fear finally (and temporarily) takes over.
Cheers from Paris!
This is a great insight, and I think it makes a of sense. Thanks for sharing!
@@CoachLauraLea Many thanks Laura
This is insanely useful. I'm the opposite of an avoidant, I'm a very confrontational person, but I always go to great lengths to make the confrontation never antagonistic or judgemental, or even normative.
Thank you for the kind words!
Thank you for the video… I’m 8 months since a blindside emotionally brutalizing discard breakup from my ex. We dated for 18 months, supported each other through two surgeries, hers 13 months ago (hysterectomy) and mine in February (prostate biopsy - negative)… A month after my surgery, and the day after a lovely, fun and passionate date, I get a TEXT “I can’t see you anymore, I wish yo well”… and it broke me… i called, texted, emailed… “can we talk” … and the next day, I get another text “I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry I did, I. Just had a change of heart”… and not another word…. Since… I didn’t know anything about attachment styles, Avoidant…etc… and it took about a month to even start the very long process of connecting the dots, and the realization that it was NOT my fault.
The part that has been so difficult to get my arms around is the seemingly shocking cold & heartless persona… Where did that come from? Was it just hidden, to only come out at my most vulnerable time? … I’ve read, studied, and done lots of reflection on this, and yes, I have some abandonment trauma in my history that got lit on fire and have been tending to those wounds… but, this l NEVER saw coming…
The way you described it as a defense reaction to actually feeling the emotions for me & us, puts it in another light…. It changes the lasting impact of it being a lie, and my feeling used (that’s still very much there)…. To something not quite so sharp…. Don’t get me wrong, this all cut me quite to the bone, but in the last 8 1/2 months, I’m in a much better place, and clearly on the healing journey. ….. Thanks…..
I am so sorry you went through this. That sounds excruciating on multiple levels. I'm so glad that understanding how deactivation works to separate the avoidant from their feelings was helpful to you. It results in a robotic coldness that is easy to take personally, but it is actually a maladaptive strategy aimed at safety.
@@CoachLauraLea The way she progressively shut down and turned cold during the relationship caused me emotional turmoil that built up over time to where I became depressed and I didn’t understand why. Learning about avoidant’s behavior just makes me feel guilty for putting her through pain too. I tried to have emotional conversations, I tried to be emotionally safe but over time - I couldn’t handle it anymore.
One of our last fights I called her selfish and robotic. That’s how it genuinely felt and I believe that was what sealed our fate. It feels impossible to move on, knowing that I made it worse and I pushed her away as much as she did me.
The way she brutally discarded me makes me feel that “she didn’t deserve me” relief and ability to move on.. but hearing what was actually happening makes my heart hurt. Are we really supposed to move on and fall in love with other people when we could’ve healed together? She wasn’t willing to do couples therapy though. Makes me feel like I wasn’t worth fighting for.
One thing women and men aren't aware of, is when women get a hysterectomy their emotions change for the worse, that's why it's so important for women to get their hormones tested and get on hormone Replacement Therapy to balance out their hormones to previous levels before the hysterectomy so they can be normal and have an healthy life again and not destroy their relationship s with their partners/spouses!
You said they can’t look at you at you in the eyes. I had that happen. She was basically looking at the floor last time. I saw her in person. I was also going to say her voice kind of changed. Also it was deeper. I took her out for lunch later that day she texted me and said she threw it up. I have the exact same thing she had it was at a really nice restaurant so it wasn’t food poisoning. She was just sick of me and how much I cared about her. The whole thing is really sad.
For any women who've come across a guy like this, I'd have to apologize on our behalf, because this is totally me.. and literally happened with a girl i dated for a bit at my job. for me thought i was becoming more emotional as I slowly started to come out of the freeze state and my emotions began to become more prominent as I was constantly triggered in general. This was during us deciding not to see each other any more. I then began avoiding her more and more and becoming more cold , because certain fears around our relationship became extremely loud and present, that werent initially there. So in some cases, my case she, is EXTREMELY on the money with this.
This is very mature of you!
Seems to me that once they've had the emotional conversation and made space their fears should subside not keep rising.
Possibly instead once they have made the break they go cold or hostile to prevent themselves changing their mind because they're usually conflicted when they end a relationship. Plus going cold cements them in control and you as the problem and reason for the breakup.
And lastly they often have someone new or an ex lined up so they go cold because they're hot for the shiny new toy.
This makes me very excited to see where the girl who discarded and blocked me 3 months ago will end up in the next few years. She’s a dancer so I can always find her to check in. And we were in an open thing and she will probably remain open so we will probably have sexual encounters in the future. But for the moment it’s still too fresh for her so she isn’t reaching out. Mutual friends are not useful in trying to reason with her either
An open relationship with a dancer who you seem to believe is an avoidant and apparently would like to get back with after she discarded and blocked you.
Talk about the triumph of hope over experience.
@ what can I say I’m a romantic. Well actually I’m not trying to get back with her. Just have her in my life as a friend. Or get a debrief. I can’t bear how she left things
Good luck.
You're going to need it.
So painful. So what do they then even do with that pain they’re expecting? Just ignore it forever? Ugh 😣 😢
Sometimes it bubbles up and they just have to feel it. Sometimes it comes out sideways in health problems and chronic inflammation or addiction.
@ my ex actually has Crohns and recently after our breakup he was told he needed a repeat surgery where he has is precious one. His hospital work is very intense and I can imagine he’s going through a lot. The breakup happened 2 months ago, I’d reached out a few times, sent a nice letter, he was reciprocating, until last week that i suggested how I knew we both wanted to see eachother. I believe he blocked me. Now I’m left unsure what to do or feel, I have no choice now but to not look back. I keep thinking about what you said, their fears are definitely now overflowing their feelings. He’s never blocked me before, and for something so mild too.
My FA had a seizure a week after her discard. She has no history of seizures. Yup. We are done. Best friends to strangers. Wonderful
I've watched a lot of videos by now on RUclips about DAs and to a lesser degree, FAs and I'm beginning to ask myself, is it possible to have any sort of healthy relationship with a dismissive avoidant person at all? When I ask myself that same question, but replace the term 'dismissive avoidant' with the terms 'narcissist' or 'BPD' the answer I arrive at from my life experiences is 'no'. As a result, I would not expect to have or want to have, a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has BPD as I know from experience that it is not possible to do so.
The consensus is : if they're NOT conscious/ working on it = no
If they ARE working on it, maybe
And the odds are better if the other person is secure, or, if avoidant, also becomes conscious of that and also works on it. Cheers
Everybody is on a spectrum. If she is severely avoidant your odds are spectacularly low, even if she's working on it. Not impossible but very difficult.
Hi! I would caution against swapping the words. While you may have seem some similar qualities, Dismissive Avoidance and Narcissism and BDP are all quite different, and are certainly not a given to coexist. Would you like for me to do a video on the possibility of a healthy relationship with a DA?
@@CoachLauraLeacould you do a video about INFJ Vs fearful avoidant?
DAs are not narcissists we are generally the victims of parental narcissists (and sometimes a long-term spouse) If you Google 'how to deal with narcissists' you will come across something called 'gray rock' or something like that. DAs have learned to behave like that since childhood. It's second nature. It's that our psychological survival instincts are all geared towards dealing with narcs who have leverage over us. However, DAs suspect that everyone and anyone has the capacity to 'switch' on them and turn out to be a Narc. That's why we naturally and unwittingly 'grey rock' everyone. It can take a good six months, sometimes decades, to decifer whether someone is actually a narcissist so we have EXTREMELY low trust levels. While it may seem that we pretend to care but don't, we actually do, the emotions are all there. We do care, and we love deeply when we allow it, but we are very defensive, especially when it comes to our emotions and vulnerabilities. So we hide it or we distract ourselves with more practical matters. Or we talk ourselves out of it with rationale. If you hurt a DA deeply you will probably never know it as they will go to great lengths to ensure you don't. Because in their experience you could and would use that information as a weapon to hurt and manipulate them further. Further to that, DAs are more than capable of processing their pain and then moving on from it. Meanwhile the person they moved on from wasn't privy to the process, they just see the end result of the completely emotionally detached soon to be ex. It's easy to see why people think DAs are cold, uncaring and detached - it's because they remove themselves from the hurtful (or potentially hurtful) situation, privately process the emotions - sometimes with lots of tears and torment - then come out the other side of it simply 'over it'. Sometimes simply the risk of falling in love is too much vulnerability for a DA who will disappear on you simply because the risk of how much they could potentially fall in love with you is too high and would make them extremely vulnerable. (remember vulnerable to psychological torture, mistreatment, deception, entrapment etc, not just vulnerable in the normal sense, DAs are avoiding past trauma more than anything). It isn't even a thought process - it's a knee jerk reaction. All the DA feels is cortisol pumping through their veins and they have no choice but to give in to the overwhelming desire to run for it. Whatever you think of DAs - they are not toying with you for their own egotistical amusement with absolute disregard for your feelings and boundaries as a narcissist does. They don't wish to hurt you in any way.
Would an avoidant only discard you out of the blue if they have feelings for you or do they get rid of people that are “just friends?”
Avoidants, severe ones can't let anyone truly close, friend or lover.
There is a clear-cut, all or nothing answer to this. I am sure that there are DAs who, like most people, ultimately decide they're no longer interested in someone for other reasons than a "shut down/discard". However, in such circumstances, you would be talking about a more "traditional" breakup, rather than the above. In my experience, when there is the sharp deactivation and ensuing coldness, it is probably not because they don't care, but instead a response to their nervous system.
In the event that you haven't said or done something that they took offence to. Sometimes avoidants don't deliberately discard people, they are just wired a wee bit different, sometimes they just get busy with life or wander off on an adventure of their own. It may be a literal one or it may be a new project, hobby or interest. Avoidants are very independent and they don't expect people to be hurt by their disappearances. They often don't even realise they are missed, they certainly don't expect anyone to notice their departure all that much nor dwell on it. Sometimes in their head, as far as they are concerned, you are still their friend and they will enjoy catching up with you someday. They can then disappear for years if you don't touch base with them, not out of deliberation but simply because they are living in their own day to day existence. They may think of you fondly but it rarely triggers action towards making contact as they are likely to put it off indefinitely in favour of getting the next errand done.
Interesting. It didn’t happen quite that way for me but a lot of it followed the hot and cold pattern. It’s a mind f*ck.
Could not fond a link to the quiz and the website link listed in your profile doesn't work
You are absolutely correct, apologies! I just updated the link, but here it is as well: stan.store/lauraleabalanced
Don't see a link to quiz...and website link is down...
You are absolutely correct, apologies! I just updated the link, but here it is as well: stan.store/lauraleabalanced
omggg yes
more on FAs plss
Is there a specific topic that you would like me to address?
@@CoachLauraLeaa video on FA's and lying. It seems a lot of people have experiences with FA's lying - a lot . Mine did in such a fashion that I suspect she didn't know herself. Like she fully believed the lies. Which makes it all the more frightening.
@@tscavenius Ok yes, I will give this some thought! Thank you for the request!