I've been out with narcs, borderlines and avoidants, I have nearly collected the full set. As an empath I attract the mentally unhealthy as a matter of course. When they inevitably all leave I recall one thing, which originally took me a very long time to come to the realisation of, and that is: "Why would I want to be with someone who could treat me like this ? " when you reach the logical conclusion then letting them go, to wherever they may end up ( which incidentally becomes irrelevant and almost a relief ), the journey to self-recovery can start.
@@DonZimmerman-fz2du Your trite comment just reveals your own shallowness. Anyone who has actually been there will fully understand my sentiment. I hope for your sake you never are.
@@nathanstokes3931 It is a fair observation and obviously one I reached myself a long time ago. So needless to say I have long and hard and am fully aware of my own strengths and weaknesses and can be thankful that whatever I may or may not be it doesn't involve causing other people anxiety. Peace of mind is the most precious thing in the world, sadly increasingly hard to find for many in modern society.
Ouch! You hit on something I’m really struggling with. And you’re right. Thinking they will always fail makes my pain lessen and lessen. Ive always been told “it’s him!!!” Whenever I think about him treating someone else securely and having a successful relationship I burst out crying! I treated him so well and he said how I loved him was the way he always wanted to be loved. My wound of not being good enough is huge. I try to really leave those thoughts in the past. Knowing God loves me unconditionally and will never leave me nor forsake me has helped with healing. And no contact.
Sadly how we treat people doesn’t guarantee they will treat us the same, in fact it often works the opposite. I treated my wife like she was the only woman on the planet. She began having and affair with a guy she now says was emotionally and mentally abusive and gave him all the things I asked for but never got and treated him with kindness and compassion while I got bitterness and coldness.
I had the same thought with the person I used to be seeing. And I was like "Why is it me that they somehow ended up disrespecting and treating badly and what if they're gonna be different with the next person? And then a good friend of mine told me that I should think of it as an accident. When I'm asking why me, the answer to that because by accident I happened to be the person they got to know at a phase of their life when they didn't have the tools and experiences that taught them how to treat someone right. And it's unfair, and this is also something one has to come to terms with, but it sort of takes away the weight of how I'm responsible for them hurting me, and makes it easier to recognise and accept that there's possibilty of them having better relationship skills in the future without thinking less of myself.
My ex was abusive. She would keep belittling and insult me. Saying I was not good at cleaning and other chores. I'm now with a wonderful woman, who is literally OCD with cleaning. And she says I'm the cleanest person she has been with. I even clean stuff are wouldn't think of cleaning! Turns out, my ex just liked to create this fantasy where I was a monster. And i believed her for a long time. Crazy how it works...
Dont look back.. if it didnt work, it didnt work, why would you mentally torture yourself over something that failed? Work on yourself to make yourself a better person regardless of where you are.. quit looking back unless you are using the experience to grow..
Honestly if your ex started seeing someone new without even telling you and you thought you were friends that maybe could repair things then its going to hurt a lot. But know this, there is a chance it might last thru the initial honeymoon phase, but after the guy got what he wanted and shows he is not really going to commit, he just wanted her body, it probably won't last long, and sadly she might end up bouncing from guy to guy, she meets in teh dance clubs on weekends, and end up with a wrose guy than you were lol. happened to me, I gave 9 years of myself and did 8 years in therapy, she did none. But it's ok, until I learn I need to heal my unhealthy anxious preoccupied issues, I will continue to attract avoidants. I wish I did not need to work on myself and could just find a AP female, who would unconditionally love and work with me on a relationship, but it just does not happen that way lol.
Don’t overthink it. He had his reasons for moving on. Chalk it up to experience, learn what you can from it, and don’t dwell on it. Do what he did. On to the next one
@ No worthwhile goal is ever easy. I admit that I don’t know how to advise someone with “anxious attachment”, but if fixing that is what you need to move on, fix it. Making excuses only keeps you stuck, and leaves you in the same predicament next time around
My experience, which is limited and therefore of dubious value, is that an FA is more likely to treat a toxic or unavailable partner better than a secure or loving one because the loving open one raises their fears of emotional intimacy while the toxic one does not. My FAs have been great with superficial and physical areas of relationship but bolt with the actual love and commitment part. Jerks want sex not commitment and they'll give manipulative superficial external validation to get it, so, bingo, the toxic get the treats [for awhile] and the nontoxic get discarded.
I doubt it is conscious. My last FA told me at the end she never felt safe in the relationship. I couldn't have been more patient and understanding and supportive, and yet she immediately jumped into a comfortable relationship with a toxic ex.
I've just divorced from an avoidant woman. the marriage was very painful and lasted only 3 years. I know that in her next marriage, in the beginning, she will be very nice with the man. But after 6 to 12 months she will start mistreating and avoiding him. It's foreseeable. And besides, when she starts mistreating him, she will use me as a phantom ex and talk about me a lot to hurt him. These things are unavoidable!!! She will say I'm nicer, politer, wealthier and better on bed than him. But not in the beginning. She'll do this when the honeymoon ends.
lol sounds like you are pretty confident in your wealth, bed skills, and kindness. Oh well you gave her your best, hope God brings you more stable relationships.
@@lovepeace8918 It's not that I'm confident in these things. She'll do it because she will create a phantom ex in her mind with my figure. The phantom ex that will live in her mind is perfect in all aspects. Not in real life. But inside her mind I'll be all these things and even more. And she will use me as phantom ex to hurt her next partner and sabotage her relantionship with him.
@@lovepeace8918 It's not that I'm confident on wealth bed skills and kindness. the matter is that the avoidant says her ex is very good on everything, in order to hurt her next partner when the honeymoon is over and when starts being avoindant in full force. The phantom ex is painted as great man and gets the best adjectives. That's whey he is called Phantom Ex. I'm not being proud and arrogant. But I can see in advance what she will do to the next partner.
It's funny because I want them to show up more healthy in the next relationship. That means that they are progressing. Maybe our energies just didn't vibe together and the other person has a demeanor that matches more with them where they compliment each other better. A relationship ending while sad also leaves you open to what's truly meant for you. That person wasn't and that's okay. ❤
But knowing that 95 % of them won't change and will have a series of failed relationships and a lifetime of bitterness & loneliness feels so much better! I guess we all heal in different ways. ❤
@Ugun-l9e I beg to differ. Going by the comments on attachment videos alone it seems many anxious leaning attachments are more likely to be the lonely bitter ones. Avoidants can live a perfectly fine life alone. Anyone single at this moment has not gotten it right so they are certainly not ones to talk. I've been with a DA for 4 years now. We vibe because we love and accept each other as is. We won't try and make it work with those who think of us as projects. You're better off trying with someone else. 🥰
I’m glad to see this before it happens- my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a week ago. It’s very painful, and I’ve been trying not to think about this subject because I’m sure it will happen. Now I feel a little better prepared.
For me it confirms they never loved me that much, and to be even more guarded in future relationships until a person proves otherwise. For me having one foot out the door and keeping a level of detachment works for me, and take what they say with a grain of salt. Like the ol saying goes if you want a more humble view just remember there was always someone before you who they promised everything they are promising you previously.
Love and compatibility are two different things. I've loved or cared about men that it didn't work out with because we couldn't see eye to eye with the relationship. I'm just saying, I'm sure you were loved. ❤
Of course it is your prerogative to have this perspective, and if it works for you it works for you! But if you ever find that this view creates suffering, I'd love to answer any questions that might support you.
@@CoachLauraLea lol thank you. I truly appreciate you saying this. I started out a fearful avoidant and while I now test secure, I am realistic about my healing and I know that I can be one trigger away from swinging into my anxious or avoidant side. I've actually had it pretty under control, but when my mom passed away in September, I'm triggered more so than usual. Not relationship wise...just in life.
It’s a nice thought but a dismissive avoidant doesn’t just change for somebody else. They can put on a new mask and do the honeymoon phase of 3 to 6 months but they can’t hold it pretty soon the mask falls off and what you have is the same old person now if they hook up with another avoidant they might be able to stay for a little bit. It won’t be no picnic, The girl I was with had not been in a relationship for 13 years. Does that tell you anything?
Yes. It is simply part of the DA programming to trust and lean into self before they lean into or trust other, which includes coaches or therapists. So they tend to be the least likely to do this work. Thus, they are likely continue to repeat patterns.
I almost failed to focus on your words because my eyes took the lion's share! That was good. May I suggest specifying this is about avoidants in the title? Who knows, some viewers could land here with no clue - though I guess the hashtags & algos are working well
Thank you for the kind words! I have found that people will have this fear if THEY are insecurely attached, rather than it being about the other person's attachment style.
Can you talk about moneky branching? I was with someone for over 7 years and found out she was building and creating a relationship while living with me. Likely, she was cheating for over a year. How can someone do this and then come home and tell you they love you and sleep with you? Its been over 2 years, and they are still together.
I'm so sorry, this is extremely painful. A lot of people struggle to be alone at all, so they will make sure someone is "waiting in the wings" before the end a relationship. With that said, these new relationships aren't necessarily healthy, no matter how long they've lasted.
The last part. Pleaze dive deeper into the last part. I get that its a cost sink fallacy but thats all i get and it doesnt make my emotions any less giddy when she calls me baby or says smething leading.
@@CoachLauraLea i'm pretty sure I know why. It feels like winning approval. Like i'm finally important again. I dont think shes toxic. But my therapist does. I just think we're always out of sync. But im 30 and a lesbian so it really is an omg am i finally no longer gonna be single for once??? Type of mindset. Its really hard to find another lesbian. And when you do theyre always really detached especially when theyre masculine. I dont think my excitement has much to do w her and everythin to do w wantinf to know what it feels like to be wanted. But i also grew up in an equivalent to foster care. My parents were both really abusive. And they both got rid of me to have new families before i was even in puberty. They abandoned me for being gay and now every girl i meet where theres mutual attraction it feels like i have to force it to work cuz there isnt gonna be another chance of another girl who is actually into me.
@@Bobomcbagpiper Yesss great job! Once we get to THAT perspective, we can start to inquire why your brain has designated this singular person of 8 billion to determine your worth and importance. If you have to choose ONE person to hold the key to your value, would it actually be them?
I saw another video on this same subject, basically why the avoidant ex is doing all the things in their new relationship they never would do with you like posting their new person on social media, going on trips or doing things you could never "drag" them to etc. The reality is that new relationship of theirs isn't healthy, they've most likely found someone even more avoidant than them so they're not activated and have possibly shifted to be a bit more anxious in the relationship. The key takeaway being that relationship will likely only ever be "surface level" because the two avoidants won't let each other in for something deeper. That all kind of sounds like cope to help get over a breakup, but I choose to believe it😂
OR they have done work to heal and become better. OR they are more compatible with the other partner. There's literally a million reasons why it could happen.
Maybe, just maybe Mr. Ex is being treated with love and respect by his new partner. This in turn will compel him to reciprocate. Some women aren’t capable of looking 👀 in the mirror to find the reason their “Ex” was so distant towards them. Because it would require them to admit it’s the woman’s fault. And we all know that NOTHING is ever a woman’s fault.
The unhealthy place this comes from is the problem. You could have actually enjoy all the things you want if you gave back everything he wanted in return. Relationships are an investment. If you walk away and the next gal makes it work for her, so what. At least you have identified that you may be the actual problem and that is progress!
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
I've been out with narcs, borderlines and avoidants, I have nearly collected the full set. As an empath I attract the mentally unhealthy as a matter of course. When they inevitably all leave I recall one thing, which originally took me a very long time to come to the realisation of, and that is: "Why would I want to be with someone who could treat me like this ? " when you reach the logical conclusion then letting them go, to wherever they may end up ( which incidentally becomes irrelevant and almost a relief ), the journey to self-recovery can start.
I love this insight and I'm proud of you!
Congratulations on your eventual grasp of the obvious. Z
Sounds like you've been with lots of people. Try looking at yourself.
@@DonZimmerman-fz2du Your trite comment just reveals your own shallowness. Anyone who has actually been there will fully understand my sentiment. I hope for your sake you never are.
@@nathanstokes3931 It is a fair observation and obviously one I reached myself a long time ago. So needless to say I have long and hard and am fully aware of my own strengths and weaknesses and can be thankful that whatever I may or may not be it doesn't involve causing other people anxiety. Peace of mind is the most precious thing in the world, sadly increasingly hard to find for many in modern society.
Ouch! You hit on something I’m really struggling with. And you’re right. Thinking they will always fail makes my pain lessen and lessen. Ive always been told “it’s him!!!” Whenever I think about him treating someone else securely and having a successful relationship I burst out crying! I treated him so well and he said how I loved him was the way he always wanted to be loved. My wound of not being good enough is huge. I try to really leave those thoughts in the past. Knowing God loves me unconditionally and will never leave me nor forsake me has helped with healing. And no contact.
Sadly how we treat people doesn’t guarantee they will treat us the same, in fact it often works the opposite. I treated my wife like she was the only woman on the planet. She began having and affair with a guy she now says was emotionally and mentally abusive and gave him all the things I asked for but never got and treated him with kindness and compassion while I got bitterness and coldness.
I think that is a beautiful perspective, Lauren. I'm so sorry you're struggling, and I hope that my content continues to support you in some way.
@@johnsonjj117Yes this is an important point. How we feel about someone is separate from how we treat them.
I had the same thought with the person I used to be seeing. And I was like "Why is it me that they somehow ended up disrespecting and treating badly and what if they're gonna be different with the next person? And then a good friend of mine told me that I should think of it as an accident.
When I'm asking why me, the answer to that because by accident I happened to be the person they got to know at a phase of their life when they didn't have the tools and experiences that taught them how to treat someone right. And it's unfair, and this is also something one has to come to terms with, but it sort of takes away the weight of how I'm responsible for them hurting me, and makes it easier to recognise and accept that there's possibilty of them having better relationship skills in the future without thinking less of myself.
My ex was abusive. She would keep belittling and insult me. Saying I was not good at cleaning and other chores.
I'm now with a wonderful woman, who is literally OCD with cleaning. And she says I'm the cleanest person she has been with. I even clean stuff are wouldn't think of cleaning!
Turns out, my ex just liked to create this fantasy where I was a monster. And i believed her for a long time.
Crazy how it works...
I am so sorry you went through that, but I'm thrilled to hear that you're in a happy and healthy relationship now!
Dont look back.. if it didnt work, it didnt work, why would you mentally torture yourself over something that failed?
Work on yourself to make yourself a better person regardless of where you are.. quit looking back unless you are using the experience to grow..
The solution to this is to move on and QUIT STALKNG YOUR EX.
Honestly if your ex started seeing someone new without even telling you and you thought you were friends that maybe could repair things then its going to hurt a lot. But know this, there is a chance it might last thru the initial honeymoon phase, but after the guy got what he wanted and shows he is not really going to commit, he just wanted her body, it probably won't last long, and sadly she might end up bouncing from guy to guy, she meets in teh dance clubs on weekends, and end up with a wrose guy than you were lol. happened to me, I gave 9 years of myself and did 8 years in therapy, she did none. But it's ok, until I learn I need to heal my unhealthy anxious preoccupied issues, I will continue to attract avoidants. I wish I did not need to work on myself and could just find a AP female, who would unconditionally love and work with me on a relationship, but it just does not happen that way lol.
Great condensed portion of information! Thank you Laura❕
Thank you!
The mask has not dropped yet, I really felt that.
You're a wise woman. Such a great explanation and reminder. ❤
Thank you!
Don’t overthink it. He had his reasons for moving on. Chalk it up to experience, learn what you can from it, and don’t dwell on it. Do what he did. On to the next one
It’s not that easy when you are anxiously attached.. not helpful
@ No worthwhile goal is ever easy. I admit that I don’t know how to advise someone with “anxious attachment”, but if fixing that is what you need to move on, fix it. Making excuses only keeps you stuck, and leaves you in the same predicament next time around
My experience, which is limited and therefore of dubious value, is that an FA is more likely to treat a toxic or unavailable partner better than a secure or loving one because the loving open one raises their fears of emotional intimacy while the toxic one does not. My FAs have been great with superficial and physical areas of relationship but bolt with the actual love and commitment part. Jerks want sex not commitment and they'll give manipulative superficial external validation to get it, so, bingo, the toxic get the treats [for awhile] and the nontoxic get discarded.
You might be onto something. I don't believe it's conscious, but I have seen this with both FAs and DAs.
I doubt it is conscious.
My last FA told me at the end she never felt safe in the relationship. I couldn't have been more patient and understanding and supportive, and yet she immediately jumped into a comfortable relationship with a toxic ex.
I've just divorced from an avoidant woman. the marriage was very painful and lasted only 3 years. I know that in her next marriage, in the beginning, she will be very nice with the man. But after 6 to 12 months she will start mistreating and avoiding him. It's foreseeable. And besides, when she starts mistreating him, she will use me as a phantom ex and talk about me a lot to hurt him. These things are unavoidable!!! She will say I'm nicer, politer, wealthier and better on bed than him. But not in the beginning. She'll do this when the honeymoon ends.
lol sounds like you are pretty confident in your wealth, bed skills, and kindness. Oh well you gave her your best, hope God brings you more stable relationships.
@@lovepeace8918 It's not that I'm confident in these things. She'll do it because she will create a phantom ex in her mind with my figure. The phantom ex that will live in her mind is perfect in all aspects. Not in real life. But inside her mind I'll be all these things and even more. And she will use me as phantom ex to hurt her next partner and sabotage her relantionship with him.
@@lovepeace8918 It's not that I'm confident on wealth bed skills and kindness. the matter is that the avoidant says her ex is very good on everything, in order to hurt her next partner when the honeymoon is over and when starts being avoindant in full force. The phantom ex is painted as great man and gets the best adjectives. That's whey he is called Phantom Ex. I'm not being proud and arrogant. But I can see in advance what she will do to the next partner.
After 23 years, we’re now divorced and she is now dating a narcissist that I know and can’t tell her, and she seems happier than ever
Oh yes keep this coming.
Really needed this, Thankyou!!
It's funny because I want them to show up more healthy in the next relationship. That means that they are progressing. Maybe our energies just didn't vibe together and the other person has a demeanor that matches more with them where they compliment each other better. A relationship ending while sad also leaves you open to what's truly meant for you. That person wasn't and that's okay. ❤
This is an extremely securely attached perspective! Absolutely.
@CoachLauraLea 🫶🌻
But knowing that 95 % of them won't change and will have a series of failed relationships and a lifetime of bitterness & loneliness feels so much better! I guess we all heal in different ways. ❤
@Ugun-l9e I beg to differ. Going by the comments on attachment videos alone it seems many anxious leaning attachments are more likely to be the lonely bitter ones. Avoidants can live a perfectly fine life alone. Anyone single at this moment has not gotten it right so they are certainly not ones to talk. I've been with a DA for 4 years now. We vibe because we love and accept each other as is. We won't try and make it work with those who think of us as projects. You're better off trying with someone else. 🥰
Wishing a bitter and lonely life on others is gross. Heal yourself. @Ugun-l9e
I’m glad to see this before it happens- my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a week ago. It’s very painful, and I’ve been trying not to think about this subject because I’m sure it will happen. Now I feel a little better prepared.
Sending love!
I simply have pity on her next victim, even not knowing who this unhappy person is.
For me it confirms they never loved me that much, and to be even more guarded in future relationships until a person proves otherwise. For me having one foot out the door and keeping a level of detachment works for me, and take what they say with a grain of salt. Like the ol saying goes if you want a more humble view just remember there was always someone before you who they promised everything they are promising you previously.
Love and compatibility are two different things. I've loved or cared about men that it didn't work out with because we couldn't see eye to eye with the relationship.
I'm just saying, I'm sure you were loved. ❤
Of course it is your prerogative to have this perspective, and if it works for you it works for you! But if you ever find that this view creates suffering, I'd love to answer any questions that might support you.
Yes! I am interested in the contrast between your username with "avoidant" in it, and these very secure responses :).
@@CoachLauraLea lol thank you. I truly appreciate you saying this. I started out a fearful avoidant and while I now test secure, I am realistic about my healing and I know that I can be one trigger away from swinging into my anxious or avoidant side. I've actually had it pretty under control, but when my mom passed away in September, I'm triggered more so than usual. Not relationship wise...just in life.
It’s a nice thought but a dismissive avoidant doesn’t just change for somebody else. They can put on a new mask and do the honeymoon phase of 3 to 6 months but they can’t hold it pretty soon the mask falls off and what you have is the same old person now if they hook up with another avoidant they might be able to stay for a little bit. It won’t be no picnic, The girl I was with had not been in a relationship for 13 years. Does that tell you anything?
Yes. It is simply part of the DA programming to trust and lean into self before they lean into or trust other, which includes coaches or therapists. So they tend to be the least likely to do this work. Thus, they are likely continue to repeat patterns.
I almost failed to focus on your words because my eyes took the lion's share!
That was good. May I suggest specifying this is about avoidants in the title? Who knows, some viewers could land here with no clue - though I guess the hashtags & algos are working well
Thank you for the kind words! I have found that people will have this fear if THEY are insecurely attached, rather than it being about the other person's attachment style.
the real problem is defining these healthy relationships, how many suffer in quiet or work for decades and then end in divorce or separation.
yes its hurtful...
Can you talk about moneky branching? I was with someone for over 7 years and found out she was building and creating a relationship while living with me. Likely, she was cheating for over a year. How can someone do this and then come home and tell you they love you and sleep with you? Its been over 2 years, and they are still together.
I'm so sorry, this is extremely painful. A lot of people struggle to be alone at all, so they will make sure someone is "waiting in the wings" before the end a relationship. With that said, these new relationships aren't necessarily healthy, no matter how long they've lasted.
They usually do
The last part. Pleaze dive deeper into the last part. I get that its a cost sink fallacy but thats all i get and it doesnt make my emotions any less giddy when she calls me baby or says smething leading.
I hear you. Are you curious why it still feels so exciting/enticing to hear from her, even when you know it's not healthy?
@@CoachLauraLea i'm pretty sure I know why. It feels like winning approval. Like i'm finally important again.
@@CoachLauraLea i'm pretty sure I know why. It feels like winning approval. Like i'm finally important again.
I dont think shes toxic. But my therapist does. I just think we're always out of sync. But im 30 and a lesbian so it really is an omg am i finally no longer gonna be single for once??? Type of mindset. Its really hard to find another lesbian. And when you do theyre always really detached especially when theyre masculine. I dont think my excitement has much to do w her and everythin to do w wantinf to know what it feels like to be wanted. But i also grew up in an equivalent to foster care. My parents were both really abusive. And they both got rid of me to have new families before i was even in puberty. They abandoned me for being gay and now every girl i meet where theres mutual attraction it feels like i have to force it to work cuz there isnt gonna be another chance of another girl who is actually into me.
@@Bobomcbagpiper Yesss great job! Once we get to THAT perspective, we can start to inquire why your brain has designated this singular person of 8 billion to determine your worth and importance. If you have to choose ONE person to hold the key to your value, would it actually be them?
Are you on instagram?
She's gorgeous isn't she ?
I saw another video on this same subject, basically why the avoidant ex is doing all the things in their new relationship they never would do with you like posting their new person on social media, going on trips or doing things you could never "drag" them to etc. The reality is that new relationship of theirs isn't healthy, they've most likely found someone even more avoidant than them so they're not activated and have possibly shifted to be a bit more anxious in the relationship. The key takeaway being that relationship will likely only ever be "surface level" because the two avoidants won't let each other in for something deeper.
That all kind of sounds like cope to help get over a breakup, but I choose to believe it😂
OR they have done work to heal and become better. OR they are more compatible with the other partner. There's literally a million reasons why it could happen.
I think we can allow perspectives to serve us, while also not attaching to them/NEEDING them to be true.
Maybe, just maybe Mr. Ex is being treated with love and respect by his new partner. This in turn will compel him to reciprocate. Some women aren’t capable of looking 👀 in the mirror to find the reason their “Ex” was so distant towards them. Because it would require them to admit it’s the woman’s fault. And we all know that NOTHING is ever a woman’s fault.
Did you ask for what you wanted. You were put together to do that, other is to give it. Married friends don't screw each other over
The unhealthy place this comes from is the problem. You could have actually enjoy all the things you want if you gave back everything he wanted in return. Relationships are an investment. If you walk away and the next gal makes it work for her, so what.
At least you have identified that you may be the actual problem and that is progress!