yes I attribute this to her intellect, and her attractiveness, makes it easy to listen and learn from, she is brilliant, I am surprised she is not a social worker or PHD psychologist credentials. If she does, she would be a superior therapist, no doubt. RUclips and the internet allow talented persons, share their gifts to the world, a very fortunate time to be living. I spent over 9 years in therapy, and am getting more out of these youtube channels on relationship theory than I got from being in over a decade in therapy to be honest.
Sometimes the repeated pain over a long time is too much so it can feel like relief. But the withdrawal symptoms are definitely there and trying to find ways to cope.
Getting drunk is not good, I did that the other night lol, escapism with sex, or food, and sleep, can help a little, but learning I have faults I need to fix, is my main source of relief, it's a start, and I hope I find my way.
BOMBBBB advice. If they choose to walk away, let them. The right one won't leave and if they do leave cuz they aren't ready or whatever, then they will MAJORLY make it up to you to get you back cuz they care about oyu
your content is really validating thank you. my ex behaved EXACTLY as you describe in your videos. i mean, EXACTLY. and whilst i still grieve over the breakup, i also feel incredibly sad for her, to be lumbered with this attachment wound from childhood, through no fault of her own
Yes it is easy to recognize in others these things, but way harder to recognize our mistakes, what we did that injured the other emotionally, that they did not reveal, thus how do we work on ourselves see our own faults, they do exist others clearly see them, but we find ourselves spotting others faults and not our own, it is a blindspot. This is struggle with, I know I need to work on me, but how and what to do, I need to learn.
Her and i split Several times. I always tried to save our marriage. But that was me being Blind and being completely naive and believing in my marriage. THEN GOD WOKE ME UP. I could never see her as my wife any longer. Instead, I got to see all the Avoidant crap and even Manipulating that she was pulling on me. This time, I asked God to fight for me, instead of Him fixing my marriage. This time, i did my best to NOT reach out. Only a few short emails....... that was enough to push her over thr edge. She threw away ALL of my stuff. Divorce is final in January
Great point Laura about the impact of the break-up on brain chemistry. Personally I’ve found the physical effects (addiction withdrawal) to be one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with the break up (even two months later). How long, in your experience, or other people’s experience does that ‘withdrawal’ phase last; and an equilibrium return? Chris
Hi Chris! Are you completely no contact, including blocking on all social media and text? This seems to have a significant impact on how long the withdrawal phase lasts.
Yes Laura, completely no contact. I haven’t spoken a word (nor text message) with her for two months now. She had been looking at my social media (and liked several posts of mine), so I decided to get off social media altogether. Weirdly, last night I slept relatively well for the first time in two months!
MMMh I dunno. This is very interesting, AND, after 8 months of NC, I DO feel different and more 'hindsightful" if I may coin that 😀 than during month 1. But something here is giving me Equilibrium vibes (dystopian film where emotions are outlawed, similar to Brave new World by Aldous Huxley/ ). We shouldn't let our reptilian brain boss us around 100% of the time but what are we supposed to do, discard it altogether? Trepanate our skulls and remove the cerebellum ? Just thinking out loud here. And literally, I dunno about that.
There is a therapy phrase, "If it's hysterical, it's historical." If our reptilian brain comes online when the circumstances don't warrant it/our reaction is hyperbolic to the situation, you're probably talking about something historical or from past wounds. We certainly want our reptilian brain, sympathetic nervous system to do its job in appropriate circumstances.
I blocked my ex and he forced me to watch him date other women and move on. He would parade them around at my job and gloat (We don't work together and he doesn't live anywhere near there). I think he is a DA and I am an FA. Our relationship was not volatile and I was very patient and gentle with him. I had a chaotic relationship before him and didn't want to bring that into the new relationship. He was very dismissive of my feelings, but did not resort to such volatile behavior until after the break up and after I blocked him.
Fortunately I am not on facebook, or instagram, or any other online stuff, except here youtube lol, but yea I had a new love connection, she professed feelings, and I did too, then she went no contact, obviously I am AP and she is FA, but my behavior upset her probably. I love her more in her absence, and did reveal everything I felt and thought to her a couple days later. So yea this is correct stuff.
@@CoachLauraLea Thank you, beautiful, thing I learned about an avoidant is they suffer silently, and that breaks my heart, they can not communicate it. I have a lot more to learn and apply to grow.
What is the difference between blocking or goshting and just not responding? Is it really necessary to block once you have communicated that you need time to reflect on the relationship and you won't answer any attempt to communicate for some time?
I think blocking is necessary if you are constantly waiting for them to reach out. Not only can this keep many people anxious by the sheer hope and possibility, but it can also slow down the process of detaching and healing.
How do you do no contact when you have a kid and your inlaws are basically your parents as well? Seems difficult but I don’t know what else to do in order to heal. The more I hear about her “side relationship” but probably soon to be main relationship the more pain It causes.
This can definitely add a layer of complication, but in my opinion, it really comes down to setting and enforcing clear boundaries. This typically looks like expressing that you will only respond to communication about your kid/logistics, versus anything emotional. I also highly recommend blocking on all social media.
I muted my ex on Insta and FB as I’m doing no contact. Which is so helpful but should I remove them or block them instead? She is an avoidant and broke it off with me. I am not sure if I need to take it as far as removing or blocking her since I am posting stories of my growth, life, fun, etc.
I very much believe in blocking. Otherwise, people tend to stay attached both in mind and nervous system, waiting to hear from them or attaching meaning to any information they see. The brain will do all kinds of sneaky things to avoid really letting go.
@@CoachLauraLeawe broke up 2.5 months ago so I wonder if blocking matters at this stage. So much content out there says to mute and not block so they can view your growth, feel like they are missing out, nostalgia, etc. I have been proud I have not looked at her socials since I muted her. But there is that twinge in the back of my mind if it’s better for her to not see my posts. So I just wonder if it matters, beneficial, or detrimental after 2.5 months, or would it send a signal of some sort if I did block at this point. I appreciate you and your response!
@@BrockBeerock If part of you wants her back, be honest with yourself, you still love her ? Then maybe you want to leave the window cracked open, maybe to hear if she approaches you, I think you can face her not mute, I believe you can take the temperature and see if she owns her mistakes, wants forgiveness, or just cares and wants to express it to you. Part of you is inside her, we all carry with us part of the people we were very intimate with, our entire life, but I would not accept abuse from her, or cruelty. Bible teaches love and forgiveness, that is why I am such a sucker for being passive, giving others the benefit of doubts, but that is just me. Maybe I am wrong, it depends on your feelings.
After some reflection, speaking with close friends, and if I’m honest, I already knew the answer because I was asking the question here, I decided to block her on all socials. And it’s the right decision for ME. The only thing that led to my decision was the hard truth the breadcrumbs in my socials were holding me back and taking up space in my head. While scary, it’s a weight off my shoulders knowing I will not see those breadcrumbs in my socials. And in the end, if she ever needs to contact me, she has my number. Thanks all for your responses.
I like how this was straight up information, and no BS to get people hooked and watch a very long video.
Thank you!
yes I attribute this to her intellect, and her attractiveness, makes it easy to listen and learn from, she is brilliant, I am surprised she is not a social worker or PHD psychologist credentials. If she does, she would be a superior therapist, no doubt. RUclips and the internet allow talented persons, share their gifts to the world, a very fortunate time to be living. I spent over 9 years in therapy, and am getting more out of these youtube channels on relationship theory than I got from being in over a decade in therapy to be honest.
Thank you for this. You nailed it. He hooked me. I freaked out. Time to detach. 😊
I'm glad this was helpful!
Sometimes the repeated pain over a long time is too much so it can feel like relief. But the withdrawal symptoms are definitely there and trying to find ways to cope.
Getting drunk is not good, I did that the other night lol, escapism with sex, or food, and sleep, can help a little, but learning I have faults I need to fix, is my main source of relief, it's a start, and I hope I find my way.
BOMBBBB advice. If they choose to walk away, let them. The right one won't leave and if they do leave cuz they aren't ready or whatever, then they will MAJORLY make it up to you to get you back cuz they care about oyu
Thank you!
your content is really validating thank you. my ex behaved EXACTLY as you describe in your videos. i mean, EXACTLY. and whilst i still grieve over the breakup, i also feel incredibly sad for her, to be lumbered with this attachment wound from childhood, through no fault of her own
Yes it is easy to recognize in others these things, but way harder to recognize our mistakes, what we did that injured the other emotionally, that they did not reveal, thus how do we work on ourselves see our own faults, they do exist others clearly see them, but we find ourselves spotting others faults and not our own, it is a blindspot. This is struggle with, I know I need to work on me, but how and what to do, I need to learn.
I am so glad my videos are helping you!
I agree, it is so important to allow self-responsibility to exist alongside creating and adhering to our standards!
Outstanding explanation sista
Thank you!
Her and i split Several times.
I always tried to save our marriage.
But that was me being Blind and being completely naive and believing in my marriage.
THEN GOD WOKE ME UP.
I could never see her as my wife any longer.
Instead, I got to see all the Avoidant crap and even Manipulating that she was pulling on me.
This time, I asked God to fight for me, instead of Him fixing my marriage.
This time, i did my best to NOT reach out. Only a few short emails....... that was enough to push her over thr edge.
She threw away ALL of my stuff.
Divorce is final in January
Truth bomb 😮
Great point Laura about the impact of the break-up on brain chemistry. Personally I’ve found the physical effects (addiction withdrawal) to be one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with the break up (even two months later). How long, in your experience, or other people’s experience does that ‘withdrawal’ phase last; and an equilibrium return? Chris
Hi Chris! Are you completely no contact, including blocking on all social media and text? This seems to have a significant impact on how long the withdrawal phase lasts.
Yes Laura, completely no contact. I haven’t spoken a word (nor text message) with her for two months now. She had been looking at my social media (and liked several posts of mine), so I decided to get off social media altogether. Weirdly, last night I slept relatively well for the first time in two months!
MMMh I dunno. This is very interesting, AND, after 8 months of NC, I DO feel different and more 'hindsightful" if I may coin that 😀 than during month 1.
But something here is giving me Equilibrium vibes (dystopian film where emotions are outlawed, similar to Brave new World by Aldous Huxley/ ).
We shouldn't let our reptilian brain boss us around 100% of the time but what are we supposed to do, discard it altogether? Trepanate our skulls and remove the cerebellum ?
Just thinking out loud here. And literally, I dunno about that.
There is a therapy phrase, "If it's hysterical, it's historical." If our reptilian brain comes online when the circumstances don't warrant it/our reaction is hyperbolic to the situation, you're probably talking about something historical or from past wounds. We certainly want our reptilian brain, sympathetic nervous system to do its job in appropriate circumstances.
@@CoachLauraLea amazing phrase! And catchy, like "neurons that fire together WIRE together".
Merry Christmas Laura Lea!
Also, Ben Stiller + Robin Williams in Night at the Museum: "Who's evolved?" 🐒😂
I blocked my ex and he forced me to watch him date other women and move on. He would parade them around at my job and gloat (We don't work together and he doesn't live anywhere near there).
I think he is a DA and I am an FA. Our relationship was not volatile and I was very patient and gentle with him. I had a chaotic relationship before him and didn't want to bring that into the new relationship. He was very dismissive of my feelings, but did not resort to such volatile behavior until after the break up and after I blocked him.
I am proud of you for blocking him, and I am so sorry you went through that.
His conduct to try to make you hurt or jealous was Brutal, and sadistic, you made the right choice to move on from him :)
Fortunately I am not on facebook, or instagram, or any other online stuff, except here youtube lol, but yea I had a new love connection, she professed feelings, and I did too, then she went no contact, obviously I am AP and she is FA, but my behavior upset her probably. I love her more in her absence, and did reveal everything I felt and thought to her a couple days later. So yea this is correct stuff.
What an insightful comment "I love her more in her absence". This is so raw and real, and I appreciate your vulnerability.
@@CoachLauraLea Thank you, beautiful, thing I learned about an avoidant is they suffer silently, and that breaks my heart, they can not communicate it. I have a lot more to learn and apply to grow.
What is the difference between blocking or goshting and just not responding? Is it really necessary to block once you have communicated that you need time to reflect on the relationship and you won't answer any attempt to communicate for some time?
I think blocking is necessary if you are constantly waiting for them to reach out. Not only can this keep many people anxious by the sheer hope and possibility, but it can also slow down the process of detaching and healing.
@CoachLauraLea Thanks Laura, yes, it makes sense.
How do you do no contact when you have a kid and your inlaws are basically your parents as well? Seems difficult but I don’t know what else to do in order to heal. The more I hear about her “side relationship” but probably soon to be main relationship the more pain It causes.
This can definitely add a layer of complication, but in my opinion, it really comes down to setting and enforcing clear boundaries. This typically looks like expressing that you will only respond to communication about your kid/logistics, versus anything emotional. I also highly recommend blocking on all social media.
I muted my ex on Insta and FB as I’m doing no contact. Which is so helpful but should I remove them or block them instead? She is an avoidant and broke it off with me. I am not sure if I need to take it as far as removing or blocking her since I am posting stories of my growth, life, fun, etc.
I very much believe in blocking. Otherwise, people tend to stay attached both in mind and nervous system, waiting to hear from them or attaching meaning to any information they see. The brain will do all kinds of sneaky things to avoid really letting go.
@@CoachLauraLeawe broke up 2.5 months ago so I wonder if blocking matters at this stage. So much content out there says to mute and not block so they can view your growth, feel like they are missing out, nostalgia, etc. I have been proud I have not looked at her socials since I muted her. But there is that twinge in the back of my mind if it’s better for her to not see my posts. So I just wonder if it matters, beneficial, or detrimental after 2.5 months, or would it send a signal of some sort if I did block at this point. I appreciate you and your response!
@@BrockBeerock If part of you wants her back, be honest with yourself, you still love her ? Then maybe you want to leave the window cracked open, maybe to hear if she approaches you, I think you can face her not mute, I believe you can take the temperature and see if she owns her mistakes, wants forgiveness, or just cares and wants to express it to you. Part of you is inside her, we all carry with us part of the people we were very intimate with, our entire life, but I would not accept abuse from her, or cruelty. Bible teaches love and forgiveness, that is why I am such a sucker for being passive, giving others the benefit of doubts, but that is just me. Maybe I am wrong, it depends on your feelings.
After some reflection, speaking with close friends, and if I’m honest, I already knew the answer because I was asking the question here, I decided to block her on all socials. And it’s the right decision for ME. The only thing that led to my decision was the hard truth the breadcrumbs in my socials were holding me back and taking up space in my head. While scary, it’s a weight off my shoulders knowing I will not see those breadcrumbs in my socials. And in the end, if she ever needs to contact me, she has my number. Thanks all for your responses.
Not really here for the content. Wow you are pretty.