Have you or a loved one suffered from NPD or BPD? For the full exclusive MedCircle Series on borderline personality disorder, click HERE: bit.ly/31J84KO
Yee art quacks!!! Blasphemous and unsaved! False prophets, bending the simple minds of thee innocent with thy unholy lies delivered with thy demon possessed tongues! Pandering to the lecture circuit that IS thee Deville's Circus Of Deceit And Corruption! Haveth thou no decency?! Haveth thou no shame?!
I do not agree with the statement that BPD patients lack empathy or like NPD patients struggle with empathy. In fact, BPD can be empaths and over-empathetic. However, I would love to have another take on this and be more informed when it is stated that BPD's struggle with empathy.
"And ironically, they attract each other"... as someone who suffers from BPD who constantly fell into relationships with people with NPD, I can attest to this. We feed each other's need. A person with NPD needs to be worshiped, while a person with BPD is more than happy to worship someone with a strong sense of self because getting attention from such a seemingly self-confident person validates their own self-worth and gives them a sense of identity/belonging. In the beginning, it's an amazing match made in heaven, both of their worlds are magical and the sky is the limit. The drama starts the moment one or the other fails to live up to their role, which is bound to happen eventually. Then it escalates very quickly into a living nightmare for both, tearing each other's throat out.
Couldn't agree more. As a person with BPD, I trapped myself into a horrible shit of a marriage with a NPD person. Years of physical and emotional abuse, got my nose broken, had huge debts, went through severe depression. Finally, it was over leaving me totally devastated. BPD persons had better be staying away from NPD people for our own good!
I have BPD and I do have empathy. If anything I am overly empathetic. I feel more and care more about the other persons feelings than my own. I care more about how my actions impact other people, rather than how they impact me. I hate myself because of the dark impact I have on other people's lives. I isolate myself because I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to rage at anyone. And If I do become rageful I hate myself for taking my anger out on someone I love.
I am a male and I have BPD and I really don't have empathy if I have not personally experienced it. So for me it could be a learnt response. Other then that I am also like Ryan Dylan. I do go to therapy and have "Talk Therapy" which helps me the most. Mostly I don't understand people around me. I don't understand why people think or more to the point don't think about things. Not trying to be nasty here just trying to state how I see things. It is like seeing videos of Dumb Criminals and one would say "Surly they know that would happen!" well I say that about "normal" life. So hence the confusion. I do have a high IQ so this doesn't help and I am very good at problem solving and I take things in like a sponge. All things that I know are not really normal BUT it is hard for me to understand it on a practical level. Understanding it on a Theory level is not the same as living it. And I am totally Independent even though I don't like being independent but I would hate to be codependent.
I have bpd as well, and am intelligent. have you ever been tested for narcissistic personality? I have way too much empathy for others, where narcissism would be less understanding instead of more for others.
I urge you to just stop. As a BPD person a narc will suck the life out of you. In that situation you're the empath and they're the abuser, whether you hurt them or not. You need to look out for yourself #1, 100%. They only care about themselves. The road to recovery is a road where that person is cut off 100%. I'm just speaking from personal experience, take as you will
It makes sense why people with BPD and NPD are attracted to one another. As someone that is frequently “too much” for people, it’s almost a relief to meet a Narcissist and not have them running for the hills at the sight of your intense emotions (because they don’t have the empathy to have to feel it themselves, too)
You've described my life to a T! My husband is a NPD and I'm BPD. He's such a jerk to me and pretty much everyone, but I still have empathy and love for him, even though he's a major a hole. He's the only one that will tolerate my "crazyness". I'm most likely the only one that will tolerate his arragance. We fight within seconds of wakin up off and on all day long. What can you do though? Huh? That's the life of a BPD.
I've been diagnosed with comorbid BPD and NPD, I'm really tired of this brain dead stereotype people have based their opinion from pop psychology Instagram videos that think people with NPD don't have empathy. Yes they do, It's just inconsistent. Key word there. I love my cat and would do anything for them, and I love my girlfriend (been together 1 year, little arguments), and then there are just my average friends I could not care about and view them lesser as me. I struggle to be empathetic to people that are not personally valuable to me or I don't view as valuable.
HOLY SHIT THIS IS MIND BLOWING TO ME. I'm having such an emotional reaction to this comment lol oh my gosh. Wow. As someone with BPD, this was enlightening.
As someone with borderline personality disorder, hearing someone like Dr Ramani draw so much similarity between BPD and NPD and saying they both lack empathy is quite...hurtful, especially when viewed in light of the amount of times I've been subjected to narcissistic abuse and identified with and believed it under the illusion that those words were a result of deep empathy and intimacy on part of the other - that they knew me better than I knew myself because we had a deep connection in my mind. Heck, even when the abuse was physical I didn't see it as abuse - because I didn't (and still don't) have an immediate sense of boundaries. It's only when I got out of the situation that I realised how unfair and heartless the behaviour was. People with BPD have a much wider emotional range than narcissists and their powerful craving for intimacy is tied to their need to give and receive deep empathy and emotional connection. BPDs are much more capable of feelings of guilt and remorse compared to narcissists. The two disorders are at their core quite different, even antithetical to one another. Only a few superficial symptoms like rage/tantrums (not the source of it) are similar. I appreciate the insight she has into narcissism and how she relates it to culture. It is very helpful information for a BPD who blames herself for her abuse when she never dished out the same abuse back (maybe because I'm very high on introversion and beat myself up instead). And I'm very grateful for the awareness she is spreading but she does not have a good grasp of BPD as of yet. Hoping she revises her views soon.
@@imaginativegirl126 She's basing her "views" on the DSM....NPD, BPD, Sociopath's, & Anti-Social Disorder are Cluster B disorders based on LACK OF EMPATHY. In my opinion, BPD doesn't exist. It's made up for the purpose of giving medications (Big Pharma). It's closer to codependency than to any Cluster B disorder. Lack of boundaries, fear of abandonment, are also seen in victims of narcissistic abuse. I bet that's what you have.
Once you learn the symptoms of borderline it Really sticks out like crazy, and it's completely different than NPD. BPDs are just as kind and empathetic as anyone else, they just are controlled by their emotions to a degree that's almost impossible to deal with
I don't know. My dad is BPD or NPD, or maybe somewhere in between. He's good at heart and not grandiose, but he's got no empathy, that is : As long as he's not concerned by the situation you'll see the good side of his personnallity, if what he wants is different than what you want, go f*** yourself you don't exist. For instance, he drinks too much. Not to the point of getting drunk and violent, but about 6 glasses a day (doctors say 3 max) and if we point it out then he's gonna come with all kinds of lame-ass excuses, toddler or child-like excuses, to the point of bad faith. You'd think he hit the bottom, but he'll keep digging : Tell him "you might get a cancer" he'll reply "fine I'll have a cancer" (while his best friend has one). What can you reply to this ? Whatever you reply he'll resort to the pity party tune of "yes I know I'm a mess, I'm a jerk, I'm not a good dad, I'm not a good husband" blablablah. Well I would say there are different types of BPD and if my dad is BPD, he's surely not the same type as people commenting here saying they want to be helped but can't find it. My dad has zero self-consciousness. To me the different types of bpd stem from childhood trauma but also from different natured conditions. People with """just""" childhood trauma maue have messed up emotions and fear of abdandonment but they may have empathy and look for help, but people with undiagnosed ASD, ADHD, ADD, a mix of ASD and ADD, it's much worse and the outcome as a BPD will depend on the original condition and the traumas. I can now clearly see that my dad is both ASD (hence no empathy, but not bothersome as long as he's doing his things alone) and impulsive ADD, in denial, with some BPD and NPD aspects over it.
If he's good at heart and your most striking complaint is he drinks too much but doesnt get that drunk and isnt abusive I would be pretty confident that he isnt a narcissist.
@@guillaumeb6698people with ASD most definitely have empathy. The social deficits creates challenges expressing emotion and connecting with others though. Please educate yourself. You made nothing but assumptions from what society says. Narcissist lack insight, lack empathy for others (but have it for themselves), refuse to take accountability, care more about what strangers think of them than family. Borderlines are extremely insightful, dead abandonment, lack self regulation, have no emotional skin, and immense self hatred and shame. BPD came acknowledge when wrong, admit it, and apologize. A narcissist never will.
Narcists see everyone as disposable tools to be used. Nothing more. Their "relationships" are very shallow and superficial and largely based on what kind of "use" they can get out of someone. Once someone has "fulfilled" their "purpose", they abandon that person and move on to another victim. They do feel remorse and compassion sometimes but it is very limited and shallow too. Because of that, I've argued before that narcists don't genuinely feel love. They don't have any actual empathy because that requires seeing people as human beings. Their world is so overly inflated with self centered narcissism, that's all they ever see. The center of gravity of the world according to them. . .is them. . .Everyone gets pulled into their gravity and they love that they feel that's how the world works.
I had a gf with BPD. She was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but later diagnosed BPD. She was a chameleon with any relationship, trying to become whatever her partner wanted. The biggest sign of her BPD to me was her seeing everything in black and white. Either you were her savior or you were the Devi himself. Her fear of abandonment was just below the surface all the time. I had to set some super hard boundaries with her
This describes exactly how my previous relationships were. I mirror any person I spend enough time with. I've unknowingly "fooled" a lot of men into thinking I was their perfect dream girl only to turn out to be their worst nightmare. I've gotten some help with it and as I've aged I've learned to deal with it and can spot when I'm "bpd-ing" as I call it. I had the capacity for insight and the ability to spot when I'm dysregulated, after years of therapy. I practically emotionally tourtured one ex so bad I had him on the brink of suicide. I was also going through a psychotic episode at the time and for some reason I was convinced that he loved his late wife more than me to the point that I refused to enter the house they used to live in, or even ride in the same car, even after she had been gone over 10 years before I even knew him. It's such a hard thing to look back on and realize all the damage I have done to people.
@@brittneymacgregor5965😂you're describing all your bad behaviour and flaws like it's a great thing😂 "I'm Your worst nightmare" .but it's commandable you're helping ppl understand the dark side of bpd women.
I was also diagnosed with Bpd as a result of childhood trauma both physical and emotional. I was diagnosed in my late 30s and still haven't gotten proper treatment as it doesn't seem to be available for someone unemployed and no doctors seem to know much about it. I'm 40 now, it feels like all hope is gone.
@@myatuesday It isn't always. Watch an earlier video - the 9 traits of BPD - where she talks about BPD that exist in people with no history of trauma, that seem to be responding a genetic component. In most people, it is both - a predisposition and an unfavourable environment, but for some the environment was so unfavourable they don't need the genetic component and for other the genetic component was so strong they didn't need an unfavourable environment. Not to invalidate anyone's trauma, just to point out that BPD has different etiological roots for different patients and discussions about if this then could perhaps be subdivided into 3 different disorders are still ongoing. An example model would be CPTSD - someone with unfavourable environment and no genetic component EDD (emotion dysregulation disorder) - someone with no trauma/unfavourable environment but the genetic component and finally BPD - someone with both genetic component and unfavourable environment. More research is needed on this however to define the differences in presentation - which will be small - and also how we identify genetic component presence more accurately. With this said, whilst yes for now therapy is the only treatment, in the future with more research into genetics and gene therapy, we could potentially offer a more medical solution to those where the genetic component of the disorder plays a larger role. However, that's a very long term goal and so much more work needs to be done first
I remember few years back after my wife died, I was left alone with 3 kids. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Got diagnosed with bipolar. Not until a friend recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment changed my life for better. I can proudly say i'm totally clean for 6 years and still counting. Always look to nature for solution to tough problems, Shrooms are phenomenal.
I love hearing great life changing stories like this. I want to become a mycologist because honestly mushrooms are the best form of medicine (most especially the psychedelic ones) There are so many people today used magic mushrooms to ween off of SSRI medication- its amazing! Years back i wrote an entire essay about psychedelics. they saved you from death buddy, lets be honest here.
Can you help me with the reliable source 🙏. I'm 56 and have suffered for years with addiction, anxiety and severe ptsd, I got my panic attacks under control myself years ago and they have come back with a vengeance, I'm constantly trying to take full breaths but can't get the full satisfying breath out, it's absolutely crippling me, i live in Germany. I don't know much about these mushrooms. Really need a reliable source!! Can't wait to get them
YES sure of mycologist Predroshrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, addiction. Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I'm so very happy for you mate, Psilocybin is absolutely amazing, the way it shows you things, the way it teaches you things. I can not believe our world and our people shows less interest about it's helpfulness to humanity. It's love. The mushrooms heals people by showing the truth, it would be so beneficial for so many people, especially politicians and the rich who have lost their way and every other persons out there.
I am a high functioning, internalizing BPD who spent 10 years with a NPD. It was an abusive nightmare. After he sobered up and stopped the physical abuse, the psychological abuse began. During arguments, he would intentionally use trigger words to trigger my repetitive, self-degrading phrases inducing a self-harm episode. He even admitted it later. And because of my abandonment issues and low self-esteem, I couldn't leave. Finally the relationship ended when he had drained every resource in my life and I had nothing left. Him leaving me was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Dude stop interrupting her constantly, let her finish what she has to say thus letting us know what she would've said b4 u start interrupting her with another question. Remember you aren't the therapist here, she is.
I have finally reached the point where want to leave my situation but I risk losing my sizable inheritance-I cannot let my father win everything after being victimized for over 45years. What can I do???
@@janedavidson7390 the problem is, when you continue to subject yourself to the narc, you risk your own mental health. Which in turn can cause serious problems with your health.
Thank you. Really needed to clarify that in the end. 😡 I have never been hurt as deeply as I have with narcissists. I understand the deep pain that people with BPD suffer, and they ALWAYS apologize for their outbursts, unlike people with narcissism. This video was a dud, but I won't let that bring me down. I know that under all the ignorance, there are people out there that do truly understand BPD and compassionately offer help and *hope* for those of us that suffer this intense diagnosis.
Lusty Argonian Maid The problem with that is that you seem to believe that apologizing, if they do, is enough to repair the damage. Another sign of the lack of empathy of BPD types.
@@markomarkovic5340 Don't know, but I'd lean towards the disorder that is the most difficult to see. The Covert Narc. And surprisingly enough, they'd be the ones that walk away saying and believing to themselves, "See I was right, just look at what they just did to themselves". I believe the Narcs biggest weapon or hook is getting the co-dependent to sabotage, do a stupid act or say something stupid and isolated, then use that against them to define the co-dependent, knowing Co's don't have a back-bone.
I have bpd and when she talked about how people with bpd either get completely immersed in someones feelings or they are like a "black mirror" i felt that bc i can usually empathize rly well, too well even, but in emotionally intense situations or when im having a rly low day i tend to shut down and i feel like im totally unable to empathize. im still aware that i should, im simply uncapable of accessing the ability to feel empathy and react accordingly to whatever the other person is talking about.
If I can relate to the person, I totally empathize with them, I could and have even cried with them. However, on the flip, I am often seen as cold because if the person is not someone I know inimately or personally, then I have no feelings for them whatsoever. They are no better than a stray dog, which honestly I have more empathy for. I don't mean to sound to harsh, but just the other day I mentioned to my family member that if I was allowed to and could get away with it with no trouble, I'd kill ever person in the parking lot and store and wouldn't bat an eyelash, just because they were in my way and inconveniencing me. If I can't relate to the person in any way, which is most people I don't know or don't' have an obvious commonality with, than I don't even view them as humans most of the time, just inconvenience.
I have BPD. When I was first diagnosed and watched this video I was offended and very hurt as I have extreme empathy. It made me feel like trash. So of course I tuned it out. Now, a year later, AFTER doing therapy I can see her tough love talking points. BPD is a very difficult disorder to have and understand. She isn't talking about people with BPD that have sought out help or the ones that always wondered what was wrong with them. She's also not vilifying those with BPD. Most of us do have extreme empathy. Do we come off that way though, especially when splitting or untreated? Absolutely not. She is speaking a harsh truth. Are we narcissistic? No. Can we seem like a great big uncaring a-hole? Yep.
@@aleneblum1042 Controlled bpd is one thing but uncontrolled is a living nightmare. I was with a female who refused to believe she had it and the destruction she caused was beyond comprehension. At least you know you have it and are working on it and that is an accomplishment you should be proud of.
See, ya don’t really. BPD people, like the rest of Cluster B, is ALLLLL about you. Everything is about you. The good, the bad, the ugly. Your meltdowns entirely ignore the feelings of others, you put napalm to the bridge. You just seem to think that because you’re scared of being abandoned, that makes you empathetic is false.
this is making me cry. im 4 minutes in and im scared of watching the rest of the video. i was recently diagnosed with bpd. i know im very sensitive and all that but ur point about how we come across when mistreated.. i know i can be very hurtful and very angry so i see it. thank u for helping me think about it this way. im in therapy and i have a session tomorrow. i just wish i learn to become a better person
I don’t like that you make it sound so hopeless. I have BPD and I have been in therapy most of my adult life. I chose at an early age, made as a decision not to hurt anyone else or to subject them to my internal madness. The most difficult thing was acknowledging that I had this condition. I did not have the vernacular to talk about it. A lightbulb went on and then everything made sense. The self harm. The inability to regulate my emotions. The staying in relationships that were toxic. My emotions could run the gamut of being happy one moment to being suicidal in a matter of minutes. The fear, and possibility of being abandoned felt as if I was in a situation of a machete wielding lunatic coming at me. Any and every emotion carried this intensity. I am much better because of therapy, medication, CBT, and mindfulness. I have a toolbox now and I have my words. So please don’t paint us as a lost cause with no empathy. We are all too aware of our short comings.
I really needed to hear this. I just damaged an important relationship to me and would really like to push to make things how they should’ve been in the first place by learning, understanding, and adapting more of these teachings. I needed your message, God bless you!
I once read an excellent book, on BPD " I hate you, don't leave me"by Dr J.J.Kreismann. Sometimes a person with a BPD instead of holding on to a friend because of fear of abandoned. They react in a paradoxical way, they drive away the person whom they need the most. To make a self check and also to prove to themselves that they don't need the other
So true. I was in a relationship with someone who now I know has BPD. He kicked me out multiple times. I came back a third time and the fighting was too much. I left and I still get text saying I abandoned him but then the next text is he loves me, then the next he says he hates me. He pushed me away and blamed me for abandonment. It’s maddening!! I feel sad for him.
@@imperator4973 it’s like “better beat them to it bc everybody leaves” and making them hate them me might be the only option bc I’m so attached and codependent I can’t let go on my own. At least I think that’s why. I’m sure that doesn’t make it make sense but ya. Better trash the relationship so I don’t hold on to it so much? I think it’s subconscious, I’ve never actually thought these things. I might also be testing them to see if they will come closer when I push, and if not, guess I was right about them...Orrrr maybe I need to push them to being mean themselves, so I can have a hurt to hold onto and remind myself how bad it was. I suddenly subconsciously need to find a way out, bc of a predicted hurt. That is really all I know. I’ve never actually left anyone (well, the serious long term partners I’ve had ) I’ve always been left. Can’t do it. Edit: oh wait except all those times I didn’t mean it... how could I forget... yep it’s just as maddening to have it...saying this as someone who dated borderlines before mine really came out into focus.
Why on earth do you play the end cue music so early while they are still speaking? And to make matters worse, the music levels are almost the same audio levels as the speakers. Its quite irritating.
I just said that too without realising that you too and probably others had done so too. It's a pity the channel owner doesn't check comments more frequently.
@@un-diluted7444 Daniel, I don't think he's too bad to be honest. Typically interviewers are of the 'bolder', brasher type. In ways, they have to be. But to give him his due I didn't find him overtly intrusive at all, as admittedly is the case with a lot of them. Also I have to say that his questions and interjections are highly relevant; I also think they're quite short too, appropriately. But that's just my opinion!!
@Out of the box. She sooooo obsessed with NPD/narcissism, that you by if you go what she says you will start to see everyone as a narcissist. She doesn't even disclaim that some things can be attributed to other disorders aswell.
I have BPD and C-PTSD and I'm beginning to get to the core of it - a parent was a horrible narcissist. It left me so uncertain (from the early years) about anything and how to feel and what to do and all kinds of stuff. This left me in that infantile state she described, as well as the extreme fear of abandonment and extreme moods. It's horrible.
same here yall arent alone. cptsd and bpd comes from years of childhood trauma and abandoment. i dont think anyone would ever truly understand it unless theyve also gone thru it. i for one defo have empathy and love
I love that you said don’t be a martyr. I told my husband that exact same thing a couple of months ago regarding his mother. She may be family, but I’m not suffering anymore to keep the peace.
Stop finishing sentences for the doctor and also interrupting her before she’s finished her before she’s finished . First off it’s rude and secondly it’s annoying .
I have BPD. I respond with mostly sadness, with underlying boiling rage in my thoughts that I keep there. I care about things deeply, and actively want to be better. Although, I went long enough to be given a diagnosis and thought, "I'm too poor, and too smart to not just read about this on my own." (LOL#mentaldisorder) I attempt every day. It's a choice. No one has the power to make you feel a feeling, you choose to react to stimuli with a learned response, and the moment you give someone that is that moment you take away the only really power you have--to be autonomous. I know very deeply about myself, I like to think. But what I didn't know was I thought everyone was like this. I connect to ANYONE easily because I identify so well with the concept of longing. Everyone just wants to connect. I deeply feel others feelings, and I'm easily moved. Because I absolutely will crumble with the even idea of paranoid abandonment. Others who don't know me well would describe me as haughty, arrogant, and vain. Whereas I think of myself as passionate, competent, and extremely and deeply lacking any real concept of self esteem. I'm working on it. Thanks for being my therapist, RUclips comments.
Just for anyone reading this, those with BPD definitely do feel empathy. There’s a lot of stigma, but knowledge on the disorder is growing all the time. BPD presents in some as overly high empathy levels, which is why we merge with others, will become what they want us to be, and are quite vulnerable. BPD often comes from childhood trauma where we over identify with those that hurt us to cope. As for BPD rage, it’s not always something that is presented outwards. In many with BPD the rage and pain is turned inward, which is why self harming behaviour is so common in those with BPD. The BPD person described in the video is correct in some cases, but we know there are different ways for BPD to present. Princess Diana, for example, is a likely Borderline. Fears of abandonment, intense emotional sensitivity, high empathy, a desire to be loved but no sense of self, self harming behaviour, unstable emotions etc. We have to be careful not to characterise those with BPD as abusive due to the way some borderlines behave, because a great many people with BPD are targets for abuse. Many of us grew up in traumatic environments, which primes us in later life to crave security and love - at any cost. People with BPD are sadly very easy to abuse.
I agree. I have a lot of empathy. That’s why I get stuck in helping people for years and then understanding I just feel empty. I am quite bpd type. So I cry a lot because I just want to be loved. I’m also easily manipulated because if I think you are a good person and honest I will just do anything when you need help. But once someone lies to me I just run away and it hurts me so much.
@@elfglow4557 Thank you for replying so eloquently. I'm the same. I'd probably be called a quiet borderline too. I wish more people knew that there are different types of BPD. x
@@r1v3rw0lf It's so mad that you said this! I have come to the realisation very recently with my therapist that it probably *IS* misdiagnosed C-PTSD!!! It's hard to get used to because for years I thought I had BPD and tried to advocate etc, and I'm only really coming to terms with it all now. Thank you for responding. I'm on the journey right now and I just hope it doesn't let down those with BPD because if it turns out I don't have it, they have supported me very much xxx
People with BPD are both at risk to be abused and risk of abusing others. There are too many factors that go into deciding which it would end up being, but ultimately, toxicity on toxicity isn't going to be a good long-term match.
@@alnosaints Of course, they love men fully narcissistic, with narcissistic tendencies or imitators of narcissistic behaviors. They always deny it and their actions always contradict their words. "Narcissists are horrible, and that is why the current one is the 43th narcissist I am with"...
I have been diagnosed with BPD (I'm female) and my mom was a narcissist. Imagine desperately seeking empathy from a mom who simply cannot give it. I thought she was a sociopath for years. It's still devastating but she didn't know any better and I love her.
Me too I'm 100% certain my mams a narcissist, and I question if I'm somewhat BPD but get passes off as depression and anxiety by my drs from I was a kid. I now have Fibromyalgia too and quite a lot of bad health at 36 due to huge amounts of stress my whole life. And I never had a normal childhood and was controlled terribly till I left home in my middle 20s and she still controls me now to a degree. Meanwhile my dad completely abandoned me and I've worried about things like that my whole life and I've never had a consistent best friend or partner till last 10 years. Hard getting Drs to listen though because my mam tells me I'm self pitying all the time so I avoid going to Drs or anywhere much alone.
@@shelzblack488 Wow...this sounds so familiar! I used to say to myself I am swinging between Anxiety and Depression. Even leaving my birth country, and my mother from the age of 19...I thought I had created a respectful distance for my mental health by even having learned English...a language that truly separates us because she would not be able to understand anyways...even if I wrote in the language of my birth country, I am only realizing now more and more so that cutting her out and that totally from my life is the best for my own mental health because as you said yourself...there was no consistent best friend...and then you read people saying: My mother is my best friend when I had to raise myself into the woman I am today... until about 4 years ago when I met my now husband who is the best friend now I needed...who thankfully gets my family history, and has seen me changing, getting all anxious and nervous from one moment to the next after I had been in touch with her...it is like she creeps into my mind as she used to in the past telling me not to make HER a grandmother too soon...or talking me out of things I wanted, liked...but she did not want for me...it was always about her...never about her child...her daughter...which somehow runs in my female line which goes back way beyond my great-grandmother that the child was somehow not wanted...seen yes, but not heard...listen to! And that had to end with me that I broke that vicious cycle! And in truth, it feels finally freeing to shake off that heaviness that was never mine to begin with!!!
I feel the biggest difference is borderlines have affective empathy, whereas narcs lack affective empathy. I like how you mentioned that people shouldn't be martyrs to people with disorders. While we can keep boundaries and respect them as humans, we shouldn't sabotage our own lives to be close to them.
Also I found it interesting what she said about babies vs. Toddlers and why BPD and narc relationships are so heart breaking. It's like leaving the baby alone in the care of a toddler who could throw a tantrum at any time.
I though I was a BP for more than two decades. Having learned about the severe damage my narcissistic mother has done to me and why I became the way I am/was, I understood that it were the Narcissists in my life- familymembers and partners, who drove me mad, made me feel depressed and mistrust them. I learned about reactive "abuse" and realised: I wasn't a BP, I was under constant pressure from being abused, shamed and manipulated. Before diagnosing yourself with BP, check the people you live with. I'm the only Empath, Introvert and HSP amongst close people I was in contact with. They drove me mad to the point I was suicidal for decades and I'm probably depressed forever. But also very strong and resilient
This is really really true... I've realized, painfully, that everyone in my family are fundamentally dishonest weirdos and gaslighters. And that the few fiends who insist on my presence are always trying to rip me off or manipulate me in some way. I'm experiencing a profound sadness about it lately.
That is what BPD is; it is a trauma response; BPD and trauma go hand-in-hand. It is a reaction to complex trauma (CPTSD)- neglect, abuse, intermittent reinforcement, etc.
I have BPD and I'm in the process of getting professionally diagnosed with it and treating it, and I've hurt so many people and ruined so many relationships. Especially one recently, like a month ago, he wouldn't let me apologize to him or make amends, and I can't blame him for it. It kills me inside that he hates me and so many people will never forgive me, but I'm trying to forgive myself and grow as a person.
Jesus loves you and understands why you are as you are, I pray with therapy you will gain self control and a happier life. I have someone close to me with BPD due to traumatic childhood and many moves in care. He is worth loving.
After a particularly heated blow-up, I've been both obligated and relieved to cut personal contact with a close friend and coworker of 8 years not much less than a month ago. After failing to get me fired or threaten me into quitting she's coming to realize I've also wised up to the hoovering, and flying monkeys have likely informed her I've sought alternative sources of income. By her count, this will be our sixth separation (feels like the first to me.) Reserving my joy is so noticeably painful the pit in my stomach makes me want to instinctively curl up, I so desperately miss the hugs and sing-alongs, I think I'll need to give notice after the holidays. The last thing I wrote to her personally was "Forgive yourself." Knowing the way she likely interpreted it feels terribly mean to admit openly. I so dearly wish there was a way for me to explain to her how sincerely I meant it without reengaging in an impossibly toxic relationship. I guess I wanted to throw all of that out there to say, in this anecdotal experience, I DON'T hate her! I need so little to welcome her back and it's hard to comprehend how difficult a "proper" apology is for some people. I commend you for the self-awareness and seeking help. I'm hopeful your fears are wrong about some of the people from your past, doubt you're a complete butt-head, and am sure some of them miss the positive side of your company. I'm in therapy to process my parts in all of this and grow myself, good luck on the introspective journey stranger!
@@myrtleesther8855 thank you for the kind comment, that really means a lot to me. I'm not a religious person and I don't believe in Jesus, but I still appreciate the kind words. Often people (like me) with BPD aren't bad or manipulative people, they are just highly emotional, empathetic, and broken people, because a lot of this stems from PTSD, childhood trauma, and abandonment. I don't like hurting people, my actions were to protect myself and relieve myself from the intense pain and fear I was in.
@@Edited6 I'm sure you can relate to the people who have cut me off because of my behaviors. I really hope they don't hate me, and I understand they had to put themselves first. I used to hate them and demonize them for "abandoning" me, especially my best friend. I saw an analogy somewhere, it's like a bucket with a hole at the bottom. It doesn't matter how much love you pour into it, it will always seep out. It doesn't matter how much love someone pours into me because I hate myself so much, and I'm so afraid, I just can't accept it. I doubt them, I lash out at them, I don't trust them, and I leave them before they could leave me. It's like going up to someone and punching them in the face because they could've punched you. It's just unnecessary. The people who have left me left a deep wound (not really a scar because I'm still healing) but I know I will become a better person, a better friend and a better girlfriend, and I will cherish what I have and not let a mental illness destroy anymore friendships or relationships. But thank you for the kind words, I wish you good luck on your journey as well.
What Dr.Ramani said about dealing with people with people with BPD and narcissism is spot on. I had a friend who had BPD (diagnosed by me lol) who was so toxic I had to walk a way from our friendship. She was so manipulative and lies constantly. Even after I ended the friendship she never took accountability for anything she did. She never thought she did anything wrong. Now when I see someone start to act like her I run away. I’ve learned my lesson.
I've been diagnosed with BPD; I disagree in regards to the empathy statement.... "They are not wired with empathy...." I agree empathy is not a reaction that I'm familiar with during a episode; outside of my episodes, I'm definitely wired with empathy
I was soo empathetic and done a lot for people. Not all borderlines are cold or angry people. Some are sensitive and empathetic towards others feelings
I'd say it's more like we have a short circuit or an overload, rather than fully not being wired. You can only have your emotions used as a weapon against yourselves so much and expect to not have some empathy problems.
I have BPD myself. I want to take a moment to thank you guys for putting out these videos. Self-awareness is truly the heart of making changes in our life. We just have to truly want them. I have been working for years to gain some kind of grip on my disorder & remain logical, not emotional. Awareness seems to be the key. So thank you. These videos helped me better see certain patterns of behaviors in myself that I hadn't noticed before. Only if I see them can I truly heal them. Again, thank you.
I feel supportive .....self awareness! I have BPD and encountering a Narcissist in relationship is positive for me! I have learned alot about myself. Addressing Abandonment issues I feel readjusted! .....Ty for sharing!
This is sadly spot on. I've been diagnosed with BPD and my last relationship was with a narcissist who almost led me to commit suicide. Ngl, we both were playing games with each other. However, as a borderline I've learned the hard way to never ever ever play with a narcissist ever again! We don't stand a chance. Honestly.
I feel like some people with BPD really really want to change. It's the hopelessness shown by the world, not their fault, but it's just unfair if you listen to it. What we need is to stop listening to that hopelessness, and start change ourselves for our own sake and not for the sake of impressing other people. Is it doom for us? It's like we're doomed to live life just on the border of it being bearable enough on our own, and maybe keep our distance from everyone else until we may or may not find someone who can enter our boundaries safely. But I'm more introverted borderline, so. I'm just tired. I don't want to hurt people but it's hurtful and I don't know how to get close to them healthily. I think we have to learn to be self-sufficient first.
@@atomnous i get that too. if i keep calm and remind myself that everything passes i can manage everything, it's not easy and takes a lot of effort and mental gymnastics, sometimes numbing myself out but it's getting better. also, it helps a lot if i don't have to hide and can just be myself around people, even a few selected ones that i KNOW i can trust. btw, trusting is so difficult
Never going to end, and easy to feel toxic... To feel like the problem. She is incorrect in saying the person diagnosed with bpd will accept blame as some kind of negotiating tactic, serious deep guilt and shame. Deep and sincere remorse. On top of it epilepsy. That is another disorder boasting a higher risk of self destructing. Painful to feel one"s loved ones are better off without them.
Dont buy into what this lady is saying about the rage and these things are never going to end. Nothing is to hard for God. I hate when these clinicians get into their work and try to tell someone they must suffer forever in that condition. It has taken me years but i can bounce back quicker than i used to...bpd
I seriously hate the whole "lack of empathy" stereotype for BPD. Some of us yes maybe but definitely not all so I feel uncomfortable and hurt when people generalise; I know several sweet, kind and generous pwBPD and when I expressed being upset about that particular stigma to my bf he texted back "lol youre empathetic af"
@@gingit3239 Yeah. Even a couple I know w what I would consider the "bad" version of BPD possess empathy. At worst, it comes down to prioritizing self over others and losing sight of empathy then due to self-preservation or whatever. But that's w anybody... On the flip BPDs are often the type that would set themselves on fire to keep others warm. If that's not empathy idk what is. (toxic of a from as it may be) Certainly not a trait NPDs possess. That's for sure. NPD is more likely to set you on fire to keep themselves (and only themselves) warm then act like you should be thankful for the privilege to be in their company.
I partially agree I feel like while borderlines do love and care extremely deeply, they feel all emotions extremely deeply from love to hate. It doesn’t make them devils, but I have never had an emotional or verbal SmackDown from any other type of person the same way I have from a borderline. They will cut you at your knees and use everything against you if you don’t give into their emotions.
the borderline has to have the cash to afford a therapist who actually knows how to help a borderline. they are rare and expensive. Im pretty tired of being blamed for lack of trying. borderline
Nothing is as good as a trained therapist, but you do have two v.ery good alternatives. One is The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Daniel Fox. Its phenomenally helpful. Second, there is an app called DBT Coach available on apple and Samsung. It has dbt lessons, tips and tricks, exercise and coping skills. Wonderful, portable tool. Both the book and the app will build your recovery foundation as you continue to search for a clinician. If you need help, pls email me. Barbthedancer@gmail.com. I've had BPD for 25 years. You can manage this disorder. The value of a peaceful mind is worth the time and investment. I've suffered from bpd for 25 years, untreated. I would be happy to share with you how I finally pummeled it into submission
Raphaella Velasquez ik most therapists if they dont specialize in BPD will tell you you dont have it so they dont have to treat it or that you cant be helped or theyll just give you whatever treatment so they get paid
I can't tell you how many times my BPD ex agreed to seek therapy in order to save our relationship. There are plenty of therapists who charge on a sliding scale if you don't have the money for it. But he never bothered to try. He had years to try and even insurance coverage for 2 of those years and all I got was excuses about money he was blowing on other crap.
Instead of people trying to work out & judge others, firstly they should look at their own defects of character. Every one is flawed. I was a psychiatric nurse for 7 years, & a few psychiatrists & psychologists were patients. A saying was people get into being an analyst to work out their problems for free...😆
@@carolmanning8367 Yes! I know a few clinical psychologists who are also friends. They are more psychologically messed up then some of their worst patients! Before you can become a licensed therapist, you should have to be evaluated and treated for your own personal disorders!
Diagnosing BPD or NPD is problematic as those with ADHD and Autism are frequently diagnosed with these disorders and I'd like to see this issue discussed.
I have ADHD and I’m married someone who has BPD and the Clear Difference is that I can sustain my Empathy and enjoy the company of others but regardless of how long it takes to appear BPD will show up in an Clear way if know what to look for it’s shows.FYI when I take my Medicine I’m able to I D them very easily....work in progress 🙏🏼
This right here! I got diagnosed with BPD (but the therapist who diagnosed me also said she wasn't 100% sure but that the official diagnosis would qualify me for the accomodations I needed and give me better access to DBT) when I went to the DBT therapist it wasn't working out so well. I legit don't meet some of the main BPD criteria, I don't have quick rage, I don't have a history of suicidality or self harm. My biggest thing is fear of abandonment (I'm also a childhood sexual and emotional abuse survivor and neglect survivor). But I've had psych Ed testing multiple times in my life for other weird things like failing to pick up non verbal social cues, weird proccessing speed etc. Got an ADHD diagnosis when I was little still struggled got more pusch Ed testing in high school they slapped on nonverbal learning disability and told me my IQ was weird (extremely gifted reasoning but average/slightly below average in proccessing speed). I also had sensory issues as a child. And have a half sister with asbergers but when I told my DBT therapist all of this she insisted I just thought I was autistic because I have an "unstable sense of self" (a trait of Bpd I never identified with as the things I mentioned I struggled with have been consistent feelings from my whole life as in I have notes to myself and diary entries from second grade and poetry from middle school about feeling this way) and because "I wanted everyone around me to change for me but me not do any of the work" when I had been in therapy for 20+ years working on myself. Am super abnormally self aware (I credit this honestly now to my pattern spotting abilities self reflection and ressoning, and have a lot of emotional intelligence. I just get overwhelmed easily.) She kept telling me autism is a PERVASIVE DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and that my rigid thinking, need for repitition, sensory overload etc were all BPD and that I didn't possibly have a developmental disorder. Even though I deadass was diagnosed at age 8 with ADHD and both ADHD and autism are catagorized as neurodevelopmental disorders. So it was on record multiple times I had some sort of learning and developmental disorder I am just also very intelligent. But I struggle a lot socially. But it was like being diagnosed with BPD took away all agency for anyone to believe me. Because any form of disagreeing with my therapist was seen as me not having a stable sense of self of lashing out. And need I mention this happened after I simply asked her for information about how to get further testing to see if I was autistic. Not even me saying I definitely was. Just that I had enough weird things to consider testing. Anyway she grilled me and made me cry and shut down even when I told her that her portrayal of me as trying to not do any work didn't match up at all. Even when I reached out to my old therapist after that experience she confirmed it sounded off. I asked family and friends they all said it sounded off. Mental health professionals systematically still gaslight folks with BPD or with a BPD diagnosis. But the more I learn the more I'm starting to think I just have CPTSD and am autistic. The entire time I was in DBT the behaviors I had were patholigized in ways they never were when I was in therapy before. Even therapy that significantly helped me. It was a really jarring expeirence and I haven't gone back (as I said I have 20+ years of therpay under my belt. So I've been managing but even then I know I'll have to find a new therapist but the experience was legitinatly traumatizing.)
I am diagnosed with both but was only officially tested for Adhd., no one ever discussed the bpd with me it just appeared on a letter one day. I've worked in mental health for years as a nurse and the comments I heard in relation to bpd where so negative, if mental health professionals are judging us based on a clinical diagnosis then what hope is there. Luckily now I've found a supportive group and for the first time in treatment for both. I'm attracted to people who have issues feeling like I can rescue them and they seem to be attracted to my willingness to support their needs. Truth is it never ends well.
I have bpd and i used to be in a relationship with a VERY narcissistic person. Of course i couldn't leave after all the damage he had caused and everything going on in my head already because of the pd. We were together almost 6 years. Still think back on it and thank all the gods i got out. That relationship was like one from hell. He made me feel so lowly about myself, and that i'm always worse than him. I really hope people in similar situations get out, and realize their worth.
Stella Annie I was in the exact same situation! Except it was a 3 year old relationship...and I often used to think he had bpd as well due to the way he was acting (i didn't really know much about narcissism anyway) and so I tried to "fix" him because I knew what it was like...it all turned against me always. So I'm so glad it didn't last any longer and that now I can actually try to get better since I don't have someone always bringing me down. And I'm so happy for you as well, that you got out of that terrible relationship and are now better!
I've heard this story before. And it seems that the only lasting relationships for borderlines are those established with narcissists, psychopaths and abusers. After the idealization stage, the borderline invariably throws her / his successive partners to the sushi machine of devaluation and discard. And while neurotypical (normal) people resign themselves to being dumped and to get away with a depression, the narcissist and the psychopath strike back with violence or cunning and make it clear to the borderline that she / he won't play with them. Psychopaths & narcissists break the cycle of abuse on them to impose their own, because they do not allow to be won on their own field.
I don’t see how he was interrupting her, he spoke at the right time. I do agree with the added music in the end, it is quite annoying, but great interview overall!!
@@yansareddik8180 He did a couple of times but I don't think he meant to be rude. I think he was just trying to clarify a few things. He was definitely not interrupting "pretty much every other sentence", that's a huge exaggeration.
Hm. I usually can't stand that but sometimes an interviewer has to interrupt. She'll keep going forever and he's wanting to steer the conversation in certain ways. As long as it's rare and not too disruptive or abrupt and I think he accomplished that. At least I didn't notice it as much as you.
You saved me ! I watched this before, during, and after my relationship with someone with NPD while I live wit BPD. You made me realize i am NOT crazy ! I saw this but didn’t want to believe it and I tried. I’m just glad I got out !! I’m worth more than the way they made me feel! I’m free now!! Thank you Dr ramani!
Congrats! Good for you! This takes courage and self love. I appreciate the teachings at Plum Village founded by Thich Nhat Hanh, Byron Katie's The Work. Jonathon Aslay wrote an excellent book "What the Heck is Self Love Anyway?", sharing about self love and relationships. Sending love, peace and blessings! 🥰
ITS, SO COLD & BARRON, ~ AND, I'D, STILL, BE A "SACRIFICIAL LAMB" TODAY, BUT, MY LADYPAL, WAS SO SWEET, IN BEGINNING, AND, A FEW, GENUINE, PSYCHIATRIC PhDs, ON HERE, SCHOOLED ME, ON MOST ANGLES, NO, A "GOOGLE"? SEARCH? INVEST , TIME~
I've been accused of being narsistic. I researched and applied what I learned because I was ashamed. I have been more aware since then but videos like this are SO eye opening and for someone who has a wife and kids I do not want to hurt in any way this video makes a huge difference. I and my family thanks you.
I am the punching bag to my person with BPD. She is the mother of my two children and I'm now going through my second custody battle with her - after she previously got "help" and "got better." It's absolute hell! Personal heartbreak aside, I see what my children have to endure because of this illness and that breaks my heart even more. The doctor is quite right, they will turn their support into their own personal martyr. She's also right about the courts. I'm facing losing my two children to this abuse when I am the victim. But, the courts don't have the time or inkling to actually learn about it. How many other children suffer in this way just because the courts aren't up to speed on the behavioral health realities that really harm children so. I really hope the family law courts change, not just for my two boys (4 & 2), but also for the rest of the kids and good parents out there that become collateral damage to BPD.
Adam Brady I'm pretty sure no one actually feels like a chair makes them a "big man" what kind of dumb shit is that lol. It's just furniture.. that they are sitting on...
Idk if it come out badly, not my intention, but as a photographer and understanding about video making and etc, lemme tell you that there's an aesthetic going on in this video, her chair has a flower pattern and it's more delicate, feminine, so It suits her better because she's a woman. His big comfy sofa has no much details and looks "blend", also the color, so it's more "manly". So maybe that's why.
Having C-PTSD, and BPD I'm having an extremely hard time to even find a therapist that will take me on. I've been pushed onto 3 different therapist as a recommendation from the last. I feel like this is a never ending battle, and I'm not winning anymore.
I have BPD and this post made me feel really upset, how are you now did you find a therapist? We do get a hard time don't we, I have no idea why in the grand scheme of things. I hope you're well in yourself and have some support network x
I'm pretty sure there are some narcissists that will sometimes pretend to take accountability for something, in order to draw their partner back in, so that they can continue to control the situation (ie. saying "sorry" without actually being sorry, just to get their partner to calm down). In other cases, they might actually feel guilty when they realize they were really wrong (probably the least common scenario), or they are embarrassed that they got caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. When someone with BPD takes accountability, it's also not always due to abandonment issues and wanting to keep that other person close, but can also be due to actually feeling really shameful/guilty for lashing out or hurting the other person. People with BPD usually don't want to hurt others, it just happens because of the emotional outbursts. There are also cases where the individual with BPD feels so victimized that they are unable to process, in the moment, how they are hurting someone else, and this looks like they're just trying to blame the other person and twist things around. Different situations can result in different responses from individuals with either NPD or BPD, so I don't think it's accurate to say that the Narcissist never takes accountability and the Borderline only does for one particular reason. Also, people with either of these diagnoses could have different traits (as you don't have to have *all* of the traits to be diagnosed), and most traits can also be more severe for some people than they are for others. All disorders exist on somewhat of a spectrum, as there are different severity levels and different manifestations of symptoms. I think that the main differences between NPD and BPD are that people with BPD have the intense fear of abandonment, and the super intense emotions. Marsha Linehan (who invented Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to treat BPD) compares a BPD patient to the emotional equivalent of a 3rd degree burn victim, meaning that they have no emotional skin. They're very very sensitive, and their experiences are very very painful to them. When they lash out, they are doing it because of the intense pain and fear they are experiencing, even if it seems like it's just because they're not getting what they want. Not getting what they want is often experienced as rejection/abandonment, which is exactly what they are afraid of. It's super painful when they feel like they need this particular thing/person in order to be remotely comfortable, and they're not getting what they feel like they need. There's an intense feeling of vulnerability and desperation that comes with that. I think it's difficult to imagine or understand that level of emotion, unless you've actually experienced it (which I have). That's very different from someone with NPD, who becomes upset/angry, because they feel that they *should* be getting their way, and they feel that others *should* be providing for them. The empathy piece also threw me off, because people with BPD can be incredibly empathetic, even if they haven't experienced that particular emotion/situation before. I think that what she is referring to is if there's an interpersonal conflict, they can't necessarily empathize with the other person's experience in the midst of that conflict. That's different than not being able to empathize with a friend's experience that's different from their own, during a regular conversation, or if the friend was asking for advice. During a conflict/argument, the person with BPD would be too overwhelmed by their own intense emotions to also be able to process the other person's feelings. Outside of the conflict, or once things have cooled down enough for them to look back and try to process the situation, I believe that most people with BPD would then be able to empathize with the other person's feelings in hindsight, and would also usually feel guilty for hurting that other person.
Very well said I couldn't agree more; I wish those nuances had been made more explicit, especially about BPD and empathy. I cannot kill bugs or watch torture or overly traumatic scenes in movies because they affect me so much, and it's not like I've ever been physically tortured. If I had to pick a number one value it would be kindness. I feel really hurt when I read or hear people labelling me as lacking empathy because they think all pwBPD are the same.
MichelleMyBelle what you said is very helpful for me to understand my daughter or rather be able to explain my observations and belief about what she is doing. It often sounds as if I am making excuses for her but I honestly do not feel she means to hurt anyone but is simply trying to survive the pain she is in. Thank you for putting it all so neatly into words!
Out of the box. I don’t like any of Dr. Ramani’s descriptions of personality disorders. She really has tunnel vision when it comes to that, or at least it seems that she does because she does not describe nuances well at all. She generalizes everything, not a good source.
A lot of people with BPD don't like to go to therapy (or don't like to admit to themselves that they have BPD) because they are made to feel like they are "the bad guy". I have BPD, and it may be my biased opinion, but this video made me feel like I was a bad person because of this disorder. There are many types of BPD, including my subtype (Quiet) where the individual takes out their emotional and identity instability on themselves internally more so than externally.
Same! I was a bit surprised at the tone this video started taking and felt like a villian for having a disorder. And to say that people don't get better is completely untrue. I'm almost completely symptom free at 35 and many others get better with age and treatment.
@@tdeuce7 It's good to see I'm not alone with that feeling! For me, it's very hard to tell if my feelings are genuine or over-exaggerated so seeing someone else have the same response is very validating for me.
@@TaradaPryoNINJA I'm so glad you're getting better. I didn't start to notice improvement until after 30 so you're getting a great start lol! I feel like I missed out on a lot of my early adulthood because I was so engulfed in the illness.
exacatly!! I can totally see why many people with BPD end up not getting treatment, when there is videos like these in which apparent mental health professionals seem to paint people with BPD as villains or monsters. I also agree with your second comment, it's definitely possible to do self treatment with BPD. especially DBT is great, there are all sorts of manuals and online courses that are very accessible. I wish the best of luck to anyone with BPD reading this and I hope you will succeed in your road to recovery!!
@@Morgenrot333 For 2019 I'm hoping to start a DBT workbook. Talk therapy didn't seem to help me, in fact it got me more riled up about my issues than anything because I felt like I had to fight to validate what I did, so I'm going to try to self treat with the workbook. Plus talk therapy is expensive.
Thank you so much for saying "to step away if you need to" because my mother has NPD. It was a nightmare, the physiological abuse I went through, to the point I struggle with guilt and depression as an adult. I finally stepped away when my children were born bc she tried to weaponize them and I could see the cycle starting to move to them as well. I decided to walk away and it was the best choice i could have made for myself and my children. Though the guilt and people saying "but she is your mother," caused a lot of struggles over the years. I think we have to remember that no everyone's parents want what is best for them or care. Blood is not enough. I have PTSD from it all and I hope to save my children from the same fate. Sometimes we ourselves as victims, have to break the cycle. That is ok, it is ok to walk away. No matter the guilt trips or the blame they place on you or the blame others may feel from what your narcissist said to them about you. IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH. You have given them enough, it's time to think about you. If anyone is reading this that has went through this pain, it is ok. The only power they have over you is what you give them.
I feel like Dr. Ramani didn't stress enough a couple of points, like...: 1. BPDs suffer A LOT because of their condition, NPD are just jerks.... 2. BPDs can be difficult but if they receive treatment they are likely to get better. Way better.
Sure they can, but not because of their narcissism. I'm not an expert on the illness though, but the way I understand it there is absolutely no comparison between what BPDs go through and what NPDs go through... There can be some mood disorders on the side in both cases. That includes depression.
@@josealejandrofernandezcami9238 don't worry about not being an expert. Because neither is she. She's waxing bullshit. One thing she does seem to be proficient at is illiciting confidence. I would say she's an artist.... yup a con artist
José Alejandro Fernández Caminero Much of what I’ve heard is that a Narcissist cannot love you, jealous & actually detest you, aim to break you. Are BPD ppl the same??
Finally! My questions answered!! I believe my mother is borderline, she fits it pretty classically, but she seems very narcissistic at times too. (Such as her gaslighting me). When it gets to minute 9:38, I started tearing up. I've been my mother's emotional punching bag all my life and finally, am starting to distance myself from her and trying to find my own sense of self and self worth. Thank you so much for posting.
I love Dr. Ramani. So well and soft spoken. She has some sort of encouragement and compassion in her voice. And her confidence is incredible. Not an arrogant confidence either. I feel like if I ever met her, I could open up to her about some of my deep struggles, and she’d be so engaged and encouraging.
An ex of mine was murdered by a narcissist when she ended the relationship. He then took his own life. They also had a child together. I still can’t believe it happened.
Yeah the scary thing I did not know about leaving an abusive relationship is they often get worse when they don't have you isolated to control and commit to servitude. He threatened suicide while we were together and said it would be all my fault and that was part of my decision to leave because I thought he might kill me or our child before himself he was violent and suicide is violent also. He had no empathy at all I have lots of it usually but tried to turn it off with him or just enable them. You can't sympathize with their abusing you.
It’s very true unfortunately and it’s because when in a relationship a BPD and narcissist the BPD has openly admitted to the narcissist they’d rather die without them or I’d be lost with you etc and because narcissist do crave being loved and no how hard it is for them to be loved they REFUSE to let you walk away without a fight and at times when REALLY deep into the game the couples even turn the power dynamic into fantasy’s trust me they get CRAZY I (BPD) finally left my narcissist after 6 years and took me a year so far trying to work with my new life it’s very difficult for both because we truly did keep eachother sane
I was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago. I think there are similaries when it comes to BPD and NPD. I only recently discovered this after doing some in depth research into narcissism. The difference is, people with BPD can get help and can help themselves. I truly believe anyone with NPD will struggle with that because they usually never truly understand that they actually have a problem and usually don't wanna fix it. Most people with BPD eventually do.
These videos are very therapeutic. In that they are confirmation of many things that I learned the hard way. It took me 50 YEARS to break away from a BPD. I thought they were a Narcissist, but I finally understand that there is something BEYOND Narcissism. The reason that I couldn't get through to them was not that I was not kind enough, or giving enough, or love hard enough. My "disorder" was that I was determined that somehow, some way, I could get through. The reason I could not get through to them was because it was IMPOSSIBLE to get through to them.
Thank you for finally bringing up the affected people. I have survived 40 years and counting with a BDP parent. The doctor is right. At one point any empathy you have just runs out and you wish to be a punching bag no more. In my case there is also a child involved and as a mother, I have to prioritise my daughter's and my own wellbeing looking after my own family and not my abusive mother. Even if I know the root for this abuse. There is a limit to how much of it you can endure.
Great interview!! Dr. Ramani is always so clear to explain things. I would like Dr. Ramani talking about "Envy" and "Jealousy" which are very prevalent in many contexts and seem to be increasing due to social media. Are there certain personality disorders more prone to envy? How do we deal with envious people?
Check out Teal swan she’s an amazing spiritual healer, who’s videos on RUclips Clarified many questions I’ve asked and found much clarity and tools to help work on what it is I has searching for , but based on what I’ve always done, for consideration of an envious person, either stay away or don’t bring subject of conversation you know will trigger them , don’t be in their face telling them , keep it simple ( tats if your aware of their envy), if not see how they react really notice their personality behavior, to be able to see it , also try building their self worth by positive word of encouragement, ( again my thoughts, if they always seem envious) cut the connection, as quickly and swiftly as your aware , . A for heaters, usually people that are projecting their own self hatred on you ( one say to self , I don’t accept this gift you choose to give me ) second out your hand on your heart and send them love ( either aloud or silently) they need it more than you do, and your gift of return to sender that was not accepted puts them in the “ so now how do I deal with this which I’ve avoided/ stuffed them always deflected) because they don’t know how to deal with this ( your compassionately of sending love to them , will help raise your vibes &appreciation to self😊 will build ) in no time they ( heaters) will seem to disappear from your life including the envious ones) hope I’ve helped some , I’ve really enjoyed the comrodery and great compassionate advice I saw from you all in the comments, thank you all for being you , you perfectly perfect where you are keep expending your mind , flow with the heart from love , you will never regret your actions:) love and appreciation and light to you all xoxoxo
Thank you for this explanation of the two disorders. I have one daughter with NPD and one with BPD. The two of them growing up together was a complete nightmare!
I've typed this 100 times, but I will again. Why has it taken so long for the mental health community to give NPD the attention it deserves? I needed it during my active therapy years ('80's). I knew mom was a narc and I was her scapegoat and I had been narcissistically abused when I discovered and read the not-well-received "People of the Lie" (whose author my narc mom ironically knew as he was local and worked in the hospital she worked at) but my therapist wouldn't hear of it.
This is why I always tune in when I see a Dr. Ramani Durvasula interview. She’s always on point and does her best to make sure the interviewer comes away having been amply fueled with a new understanding. PLUS, @7:15, he asks the question every single working employee has to know how to address. Thanks!
Fairly certain that mom has bpd, and dad has npd. My childhood was really messed up. I have C-PTSD and don't talk to them anymore and it was the best choice I ever made for myself. I love your videos, thank you so much
That was the huge difference between me (who suffers from BPD) and my ex (who displayed various NPD traits/behaviours) I could recognize, take responsibility and truly apologize when I brought my flaws into the relationship. I wanted to improve and decrease my symptoms. My ex however, under any circumstances, no matter how he had treated/manipulated/lied to me: it was my fault and he could do nothing wrong. He could not ever sympathize with my feelings and natural reactions to his misbehaviour.
My ex is a narcissist and so much blame projecting, no responsibility for anything and terrible anger issues!!! It was very disturbing and traumatic for me cause they're really manipulative within the house, to the point it's not a loving home and sanctuary of peace Power and Prosperity, heaven. I've cried so many times, they really do not want to get help and destroy the most beautiful relationships and core FAMILY!! I teach my 6 yr old son on his level and I had to learn as a man, that I can not fix everything and I will not be her punching bag even though I am very strong minded and ethical, physically...
Listening to her speak is just magical. I deal with a person in my life that I'm pretty sure is BPD and my god. I've endured hours and hours of just straight up rage and in the middle of the rage this person would fall asleep. Literally. Be sleeping and then wake up either feeling bad and saying sorry OR acting like nothing happened and they just didn't get done saying the most hurtful things to me. It's great to hear her say that setting boundaries and not being a human punching bag is what nobody should have to deal with. Nobody should be a martyr for your nonsense. I'm doing that now and it feels amazing now.
Thank you so much for your clarifications, Dr Ramani. I've just broken up with my husband. He was threatening suicide and appeared with some ropes in front of me during the threat. He was blaming me about his feelings and, after I collapsed, he said the ropes where just coincidence, he was just putting it in the garbage. He threatened suicide by 7 years, but the ropes crossed all my personal and psychological boundaries. I can't deal with it anymore, I can't be responsible for another person's life. I'm afraid of what he can do now and makes no difference asking his family for help. They are so used to his threats that they treat me as I was the one who is overreacting. This type of interview is really liberating and helps me knowing that this situation is really dificult and I'm not crazy or insensitive.
Hi! You are NOT responsible for someone else's life. Please journal every day so that you can keep a record of your conversations with him. I understand how scary and traumatizing it can be for you, but hold on. Confide into someone trustworthy about what he has been saying to you so that they can speak up for you if required. Get away from him.
I dated a man with both disorders. And yes it is possible as recently have confirmed with professionals. It lasted 1 year and let me tell you that is frustrating to be with someone that seems not to know who they are and what they want as well as the lack of empathy and just use you for their personal gain. I'm free from this for 3 years. What a relief.
I feel like I know someone who is both too. Like, they will never ever admit that their core behaviors are wrong, they have such a high and mighty opinion about all their opinions, but they will pretend to take blame if they think it will suck me back, and have self harmed in the past. It feels like both, and the worst of both too.
Thank you so much for this video! I have BPD & my husband is a Narcissist. Dr. Ramani is my favorite psychologist on RUclips. I love her demeanor, voice and she is extremely knowledgeable and intelligent.
My mom has bpd, and even though i love her, i'd say people like her should have mandatory therapy when they have kids. My childhood would've been so different, and i probably wouldn't be suffering from bpd now myself. She caused my CPTSD, and i'd say sometimes taking custody of one's children might be the right call.
Same here! My mom is getting therapy now, and she is doing so good. I would never have known it would be so effective. I will admit she has it pretty mildly, but if she would have gotten therapy earlier I would have so much more self confidence.
Amen. My mother-in-law is most likely an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and she is married to what I think is an undiagnosed narcissist. Keep in mind I am not a doctor and cannot officially diagnose, but after 14 years of enduring the abuse, I consider myself a decent expert. Not to mention I have also had some psych professionals who had contact with her tell me their unofficial diagnoses as well. The major issue with her was the withholding love when someone did something she did not agree with, as well as going into rages and acting like an infant if she felt she was going to be abandoned or things were not going her way. Just moving boxes that contained only my belongings out of her house caused her to go on a psychotic rampage for 12 hours. We had to be rescued from the house by hospice workers. She tried to tell me I was crazy because I have five therapists and don't know myself. I only have one therapist in each city I've lived in. I think she was really talking about herself, and in all my work performance reviews, I have always been told I have a great sense of self-awareness. She does only see a therapist when she thinks the world is being mean to her, as the doctor on here said. Watching these videos is actually helping me to understand her better, and I would have placed a lot less blame (as would my late husband) on myself if I had known any of this 14 years ago. Of course, I was only 23 then and had no idea what I was getting myself into marrying into this family. i hope these videos can help me to heal and forgive.
I was raised by my abusive BPD mother after my dad suddenly came out as a transexual which destroyed their marriage. I'm so fucked up. I could write entire books about it all.
Struggling as an empath to detach trauma bonds from my abusive bpd boyfriend. As a fixer and as someone with deep understanding and empathy for him, I feel stuck. I can't just stop caring, I don't know how.
As an empath. I feel you. My fiance is a narcissist. It is traumatizing for me. I am also stucked. Bcs he dont feel nothing wrong with his behaviour pattern them blameshift on me. He feels perfect. It makes me question my whole existence bcs i feel things deeply. N he is very superficial. He said he loves me but cant show me. N i dont feel it. 😭
I have BPD , RUN because i too help people heal day and night I’m a channeler etc it’s easy tho because as BPD I play a different people pleaser role all day just depending who I’m around and I can tell u right now yes we feel love and what not and are actually terrified of being abandoned and because we read you so well we know how to simulate what you would consider empathy and feelings. The way I became a better person and used BPD to my advantage for the good is I accepted the fact that I was this way due to sever childhood trauma being raised by narcissist and dating narcissist so I’ve decided to stop people pleasing and let go of expectations and stop trying control every aspect of my life. It’s extremely freeing. But you have to understand we are this way because they stole our sense of self worth and one day we gave up our identity we were trying to create and collapsed and decided we are never enough so might as well just be whatever role you assign me then there’s no chance to being rejected. So once we regain our self worth and power we’ll we become a bit narcissist because NO ONE will get in the way of me creating my OWN personality! 😂 sorry but that’s how extra overprotective we become and then finally after some time we find a balance. And unfortunately have the underlying issue still BUT have learned to acknowledge it as a trigger and not a personality then you start to feel your triggers and work through them then finally one day you learn to simmer the triggers and find balance and peace. But it’s a journey one must do alone or with someone they have zero affection for. Because we won’t feel the need for their approval. Once he has healed then he will run to u remembering what you opened him up to🥰 love and light. And keep him away from narcissist we feed off of eachother I did for 6 years.
My sister has BPD and her ex-boyfriend and father of her child has NPD. It is literally exactly how you described. My sister, however, has worked very hard on herself emotionally and mentally over the past few years. Becoming a mother has helped her grow in ways I didn’t think possible. She has been so strong and I have admired her growth so much. She does still rage sometimes and she does still have her “BPD moments“ but, compared to even a few years ago she has made tremendous progress and working on herself and her BPD tendencies. That is what has been so heartbreaking to watch as she and her ex-boyfriend‘s relationship fell apart. He would accuse her of things that she had worked so hard not to do. Instead of encouraging her and praising her efforts he simply criticized her more. The abuse that she has endured over the past few years has really done a number on her. At first, just like you said, my sister fought back and would defend herself. After a while though, she was too broken down and would admit to things she didn’t even do and accept the terrible things he was saying as true- even when they were very far it. Some thing I noticed though, when they were in couples therapy, was that both of them would come away from the therapy session thinking that the therapist had said something completely opposite of what the other person thought was said. They would both come away from it thinking the therapist had said the other person was in the wrong. Neither of them ever had anything to say about what the therapist may have told them they should work on personally. My sister did eventually get into therapy on her own though. She also worked really hard on her self and listened to what the therapist said. My sister does still get irritated with me and has a little outburst of anger here and there where her first instinct is to blame, but she always catches herself and apologizes right away. It’s a far cry from her behavior several years ago when she would yell and scream and rage and throw things. The only person who has been able to cause that kind of reaction with her was her NPD ex-boyfriend. And from what I have witnessed myself, as well as what I have heard from her, he was almost trying to make her do those things so that he could point the finger and call her crazy. So there’s definitely hope for those with BPD. Not sure about NPD though. It sounds like that one is much less hopeful.
This has been one of my big questions, the difference between NPD and BPD. So many great points in this interview, the difference between their identities appears to be a telling one: NPD "I know exactly who I am, how dare you tell me I'm not the best!" and BPD "I don't know who I am, please don't abandon me!" Lots of information in a short video.
I have npd and I'm in therapy, my gf has bpd and has been in therapy for years. We've been together for almost 4 years, known each other about 7 years.
I spent 16 years with someone who has BPD. It was an ordeal I can’t even fully describe. The amount of emotional pain and suffering I endured has really made me a wreck.
I do too. My therapist said because of my BPD I am very much an empath. She says,"Your feelings are VERY BIG". I am so much more in control of my feelings because of DBP.
@@paulanorton9128 I’m the same. I think knowledge on BPD is growing all the time. In our group therapy we talked about the stigma. The idea that people with BPD don’t feel empathy is false. We often feel too much empathy. We can be so empathetic that we merge with people and change for them and are bad with boundaries. A lot of us became this way through childhood trauma. I believe BPD comes from a child that seeks to deal with trauma by making excuses for the treatment and by trying to feel pity and compassion for those that hurt them. We put ourselves aside and stop becoming who we were meant to be. We just want to appease others to be safe.
Like it or not cus I had to and accept it.Impossible to be an empath if you have BPD .When people properly understand BPD they will understand that these sufferers do have an element more of narcissicty in them more than empathy.If you have BPD and say you are narcissistic then you either don't have BPD or you don't understand bpd
@@clarewillmoth1045 you have no clue what your talking about... clearly... People with BPD can have too much empathy for others. It's literally a problem. Your thinking about narcissists. Npd is a spectrum, if you dont have any empathy... your not bpd. Stop mislabling people as non empathetic. Its inaccurate. Creates even more stigma. And is just plain rude.
@@Forester-Runs I've every clue what I'm talking about..It sounds to me like you have very good knowledge and personal experience from your posts of narcissity if anything
![[#2024MAMA] BIGBANG (빅뱅) - 뱅뱅뱅 (BANG BANG BANG) + FANTASTIC BABY | Mnet 241123 방송](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EQsYfiPR9uM/mqdefault.jpg)
Have you or a loved one suffered from NPD or BPD?
For the full exclusive MedCircle Series on borderline personality disorder, click HERE: bit.ly/31J84KO
MedCircle
Good interview, I enjoyed this.
Unbelievably informative! Very comforting to know there is a reason for either myself or others I know. Amazing.
Yee art quacks!!! Blasphemous and unsaved! False prophets, bending the simple minds of thee innocent with thy unholy lies delivered with thy demon possessed tongues! Pandering to the lecture circuit that IS thee Deville's Circus Of Deceit And Corruption! Haveth thou no decency?! Haveth thou no shame?!
I do not agree with the statement that BPD patients lack empathy or like NPD patients struggle with empathy. In fact, BPD can be empaths and over-empathetic. However, I would love to have another take on this and be more informed when it is stated that BPD's struggle with empathy.
Sometimes..i feel it to some people everytime when i encounter.where ever i go. .esp with bordom people...i hate that. .feeling happy but its not..
"And ironically, they attract each other"... as someone who suffers from BPD who constantly fell into relationships with people with NPD, I can attest to this. We feed each other's need. A person with NPD needs to be worshiped, while a person with BPD is more than happy to worship someone with a strong sense of self because getting attention from such a seemingly self-confident person validates their own self-worth and gives them a sense of identity/belonging. In the beginning, it's an amazing match made in heaven, both of their worlds are magical and the sky is the limit. The drama starts the moment one or the other fails to live up to their role, which is bound to happen eventually. Then it escalates very quickly into a living nightmare for both, tearing each other's throat out.
You couldn’t have worded this any better. You sure know your stuff.
Exactly
Lol me and my ex 😅
Couldn't agree more. As a person with BPD, I trapped myself into a horrible shit of a marriage with a NPD person. Years of physical and emotional abuse, got my nose broken, had huge debts, went through severe depression. Finally, it was over leaving me totally devastated. BPD persons had better be staying away from NPD people for our own good!
SAMEEEE
I have BPD and I do have empathy. If anything I am overly empathetic. I feel more and care more about the other persons feelings than my own. I care more about how my actions impact other people, rather than how they impact me. I hate myself because of the dark impact I have on other people's lives. I isolate myself because I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to rage at anyone. And If I do become rageful I hate myself for taking my anger out on someone I love.
aye, the so called professor knows less than she thinks she does, apparently we don't feel that much, she is wrong more in a hundred ways
I'm going to assume that you might have more than one diagnosis. Talk to your therapist about it. Could be codependency, or even trauma.
I am a male and I have BPD and I really don't have empathy if I have not personally experienced it. So for me it could be a learnt response. Other then that I am also like Ryan Dylan. I do go to therapy and have "Talk Therapy" which helps me the most. Mostly I don't understand people around me. I don't understand why people think or more to the point don't think about things. Not trying to be nasty here just trying to state how I see things. It is like seeing videos of Dumb Criminals and one would say "Surly they know that would happen!" well I say that about "normal" life. So hence the confusion. I do have a high IQ so this doesn't help and I am very good at problem solving and I take things in like a sponge. All things that I know are not really normal BUT it is hard for me to understand it on a practical level. Understanding it on a Theory level is not the same as living it. And I am totally Independent even though I don't like being independent but I would hate to be codependent.
I completely agree
I have bpd as well, and am intelligent. have you ever been tested for narcissistic personality? I have way too much empathy for others, where narcissism would be less understanding instead of more for others.
I'm BPD and my partner is a narcissist. We've been together on/off for 20 years. It's a dumpster fire from hell.
Lol that last sentence made me laugh. Wasn't expecting that. 😂
Yes same here
This seems to be a combination that actually works.
Probably shouldn't laugh but same. That is a terrifying combination but makes sense.
I urge you to just stop. As a BPD person a narc will suck the life out of you. In that situation you're the empath and they're the abuser, whether you hurt them or not. You need to look out for yourself #1, 100%. They only care about themselves. The road to recovery is a road where that person is cut off 100%. I'm just speaking from personal experience, take as you will
It makes sense why people with BPD and NPD are attracted to one another. As someone that is frequently “too much” for people, it’s almost a relief to meet a Narcissist and not have them running for the hills at the sight of your intense emotions (because they don’t have the empathy to have to feel it themselves, too)
You've described my life to a T!
My husband is a NPD and I'm BPD. He's such a jerk to me and pretty much everyone, but I still have empathy and love for him, even though he's a major a hole. He's the only one that will tolerate my "crazyness". I'm most likely the only one that will tolerate his arragance. We fight within seconds of wakin up off and on all day long. What can you do though? Huh? That's the life of a BPD.
I've been diagnosed with comorbid BPD and NPD, I'm really tired of this brain dead stereotype people have based their opinion from pop psychology Instagram videos that think people with NPD don't have empathy. Yes they do, It's just inconsistent. Key word there. I love my cat and would do anything for them, and I love my girlfriend (been together 1 year, little arguments), and then there are just my average friends I could not care about and view them lesser as me. I struggle to be empathetic to people that are not personally valuable to me or I don't view as valuable.
HOLY SHIT THIS IS MIND BLOWING TO ME. I'm having such an emotional reaction to this comment lol oh my gosh. Wow. As someone with BPD, this was enlightening.
Fuck
Y'all deserve to be alone
Borderline is empathy gone wrong
Narcissism is the lack of empathy gone wrong
J C, can lack of empathy go right?
As someone with borderline personality disorder, hearing someone like Dr Ramani draw so much similarity between BPD and NPD and saying they both lack empathy is quite...hurtful, especially when viewed in light of the amount of times I've been subjected to narcissistic abuse and identified with and believed it under the illusion that those words were a result of deep empathy and intimacy on part of the other - that they knew me better than I knew myself because we had a deep connection in my mind. Heck, even when the abuse was physical I didn't see it as abuse - because I didn't (and still don't) have an immediate sense of boundaries. It's only when I got out of the situation that I realised how unfair and heartless the behaviour was.
People with BPD have a much wider emotional range than narcissists and their powerful craving for intimacy is tied to their need to give and receive deep empathy and emotional connection. BPDs are much more capable of feelings of guilt and remorse compared to narcissists. The two disorders are at their core quite different, even antithetical to one another. Only a few superficial symptoms like rage/tantrums (not the source of it) are similar.
I appreciate the insight she has into narcissism and how she relates it to culture. It is very helpful information for a BPD who blames herself for her abuse when she never dished out the same abuse back (maybe because I'm very high on introversion and beat myself up instead). And I'm very grateful for the awareness she is spreading but she does not have a good grasp of BPD as of yet. Hoping she revises her views soon.
Very well put
I don’t think lack of empathy can go right
@@imaginativegirl126 She's basing her "views" on the DSM....NPD, BPD, Sociopath's, & Anti-Social Disorder are Cluster B disorders based on LACK OF EMPATHY.
In my opinion, BPD doesn't exist. It's made up for the purpose of giving medications (Big Pharma).
It's closer to codependency than to any Cluster B disorder.
Lack of boundaries, fear of abandonment, are also seen in victims of narcissistic abuse.
I bet that's what you have.
Once you learn the symptoms of borderline it Really sticks out like crazy, and it's completely different than NPD. BPDs are just as kind and empathetic as anyone else, they just are controlled by their emotions to a degree that's almost impossible to deal with
I don't know. My dad is BPD or NPD, or maybe somewhere in between. He's good at heart and not grandiose, but he's got no empathy, that is : As long as he's not concerned by the situation you'll see the good side of his personnallity, if what he wants is different than what you want, go f*** yourself you don't exist. For instance, he drinks too much. Not to the point of getting drunk and violent, but about 6 glasses a day (doctors say 3 max) and if we point it out then he's gonna come with all kinds of lame-ass excuses, toddler or child-like excuses, to the point of bad faith. You'd think he hit the bottom, but he'll keep digging : Tell him "you might get a cancer" he'll reply "fine I'll have a cancer" (while his best friend has one). What can you reply to this ? Whatever you reply he'll resort to the pity party tune of "yes I know I'm a mess, I'm a jerk, I'm not a good dad, I'm not a good husband" blablablah.
Well I would say there are different types of BPD and if my dad is BPD, he's surely not the same type as people commenting here saying they want to be helped but can't find it. My dad has zero self-consciousness. To me the different types of bpd stem from childhood trauma but also from different natured conditions. People with """just""" childhood trauma maue have messed up emotions and fear of abdandonment but they may have empathy and look for help, but people with undiagnosed ASD, ADHD, ADD, a mix of ASD and ADD, it's much worse and the outcome as a BPD will depend on the original condition and the traumas. I can now clearly see that my dad is both ASD (hence no empathy, but not bothersome as long as he's doing his things alone) and impulsive ADD, in denial, with some BPD and NPD aspects over it.
Amber Heard is a perfect example that is good for study
If he's good at heart and your most striking complaint is he drinks too much but doesnt get that drunk and isnt abusive I would be pretty confident that he isnt a narcissist.
Exactly
@@guillaumeb6698people with ASD most definitely have empathy. The social deficits creates challenges expressing emotion and connecting with others though. Please educate yourself. You made nothing but assumptions from what society says.
Narcissist lack insight, lack empathy for others (but have it for themselves), refuse to take accountability, care more about what strangers think of them than family.
Borderlines are extremely insightful, dead abandonment, lack self regulation, have no emotional skin, and immense self hatred and shame.
BPD came acknowledge when wrong, admit it, and apologize. A narcissist never will.
You didn’t mention a narcissist’s absolute need to control. It’s my understanding that the need to control drives all narcissistic behavior.
Narcists see everyone as disposable tools to be used. Nothing more. Their "relationships" are very shallow and superficial and largely based on what kind of "use" they can get out of someone. Once someone has "fulfilled" their "purpose", they abandon that person and move on to another victim. They do feel remorse and compassion sometimes but it is very limited and shallow too. Because of that, I've argued before that narcists don't genuinely feel love. They don't have any actual empathy because that requires seeing people as human beings. Their world is so overly inflated with self centered narcissism, that's all they ever see. The center of gravity of the world according to them. . .is them. . .Everyone gets pulled into their gravity and they love that they feel that's how the world works.
I think this is just a quik hit video. She has over 200 videos that go waaaay more in depth
Their need to control is based on their insecurity. So it's one and the same.
@@shinelil1 - aka a defence mechanism.
Yeah check her other videos. That’s definitely there.
I had a gf with BPD. She was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but later diagnosed BPD. She was a chameleon with any relationship, trying to become whatever her partner wanted. The biggest sign of her BPD to me was her seeing everything in black and white. Either you were her savior or you were the Devi himself. Her fear of abandonment was just below the surface all the time. I had to set some super hard boundaries with her
This describes exactly how my previous relationships were. I mirror any person I spend enough time with. I've unknowingly "fooled" a lot of men into thinking I was their perfect dream girl only to turn out to be their worst nightmare. I've gotten some help with it and as I've aged I've learned to deal with it and can spot when I'm "bpd-ing" as I call it. I had the capacity for insight and the ability to spot when I'm dysregulated, after years of therapy. I practically emotionally tourtured one ex so bad I had him on the brink of suicide. I was also going through a psychotic episode at the time and for some reason I was convinced that he loved his late wife more than me to the point that I refused to enter the house they used to live in, or even ride in the same car, even after she had been gone over 10 years before I even knew him. It's such a hard thing to look back on and realize all the damage I have done to people.
Devil not Devi, latter means Goddess - the exact opposite of Devil
@@brittneymacgregor5965😂you're describing all your bad behaviour and flaws like it's a great thing😂 "I'm
Your worst nightmare" .but it's commandable you're helping ppl understand the dark side of bpd women.
Boundaries is a great way to deal with us and still try to manage a healthy relationship
@@monurajput5608 You mean just BPD, not BPD women. Bpd is a mental health disorder with a set criteria of symptoms, not limited by sex.
I was diagnosed as BPD. Instead, my symptoms were the result of childhood TRAUMA. Years of therapy helped me to heal.
I was also diagnosed with Bpd as a result of childhood trauma both physical and emotional.
I was diagnosed in my late 30s and still haven't gotten proper treatment as it doesn't seem to be available for someone unemployed and no doctors seem to know much about it.
I'm 40 now, it feels like all hope is gone.
That's often exactly what sets off the development of BPD, what are you talking about "instead" lol.
@@gingit3239 Exactly. BPD is a disorder rooted in trauma. Therapy is the only treatment.
@@myatuesday It isn't always. Watch an earlier video - the 9 traits of BPD - where she talks about BPD that exist in people with no history of trauma, that seem to be responding a genetic component. In most people, it is both - a predisposition and an unfavourable environment, but for some the environment was so unfavourable they don't need the genetic component and for other the genetic component was so strong they didn't need an unfavourable environment.
Not to invalidate anyone's trauma, just to point out that BPD has different etiological roots for different patients and discussions about if this then could perhaps be subdivided into 3 different disorders are still ongoing. An example model would be CPTSD - someone with unfavourable environment and no genetic component EDD (emotion dysregulation disorder) - someone with no trauma/unfavourable environment but the genetic component and finally BPD - someone with both genetic component and unfavourable environment. More research is needed on this however to define the differences in presentation - which will be small - and also how we identify genetic component presence more accurately.
With this said, whilst yes for now therapy is the only treatment, in the future with more research into genetics and gene therapy, we could potentially offer a more medical solution to those where the genetic component of the disorder plays a larger role. However, that's a very long term goal and so much more work needs to be done first
Nettonya Ryane yeah, this “doctor” has no idea what she is saying and how offensive it is. She should be ashamed.
I remember few years back after my wife died, I was left alone with 3 kids. I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Got diagnosed with bipolar. Not until a friend recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment changed my life for better. I can proudly say i'm totally clean for 6 years and still counting. Always look to nature for solution to tough problems, Shrooms are phenomenal.
I love hearing great life changing stories like this. I want to become a mycologist because honestly mushrooms are the best form of medicine (most especially the psychedelic ones) There are so many people today used magic mushrooms to ween off of SSRI medication- its amazing! Years back i wrote an entire essay about psychedelics. they saved you from death buddy, lets be honest here.
Can you help me with the reliable source 🙏. I'm 56 and have suffered for years with addiction, anxiety and severe ptsd, I got my panic attacks under control myself years ago and they have come back with a vengeance, I'm constantly trying to take full breaths but can't get the full satisfying breath out, it's absolutely crippling me, i live in Germany. I don't know much about these mushrooms. Really need a reliable source!! Can't wait to get them
YES sure of mycologist Predroshrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, addiction. Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I'm so very happy for you mate, Psilocybin is absolutely amazing, the way it shows you things, the way it teaches you things. I can not believe our world and our people shows less interest about it's helpfulness to humanity. It's love. The mushrooms heals people by showing the truth, it would be so beneficial for so many people, especially politicians and the rich who have lost their way and every other persons out there.
Where do I reach this dude? If possible can I find him on Google
Its extremely painful being a survivor of a mother w narcissism. The struggle never ends.
Same here
Hope you’ll heal
Same
Same
Same ..
I am a high functioning, internalizing BPD who spent 10 years with a NPD. It was an abusive nightmare. After he sobered up and stopped the physical abuse, the psychological abuse began. During arguments, he would intentionally use trigger words to trigger my repetitive, self-degrading phrases inducing a self-harm episode. He even admitted it later. And because of my abandonment issues and low self-esteem, I couldn't leave. Finally the relationship ended when he had drained every resource in my life and I had nothing left. Him leaving me was the best thing to ever happen to me.
The psychological abuse happens before the violence to prime you for violence. You probably didn't notice as it starts very subtle.
@@nicolebesser3548 This.
And I'm sure you were completely innocent
Dude stop interrupting her constantly, let her finish what she has to say thus letting us know what she would've said b4 u start interrupting her with another question. Remember you aren't the therapist here, she is.
I have finally reached the point where want to leave my situation but I risk losing my sizable inheritance-I cannot let my father win everything after being victimized for over 45years. What can I do???
G
@@janedavidson7390 the problem is, when you continue to subject yourself to the narc, you risk your own mental health. Which in turn can cause serious problems with your health.
they have to get through the interview. Sheesh.
Who cares
"Other people don't need to be martyrs. You don't have to keep enduring rage from a narcissist."
Thank you. Really needed to clarify that in the end. 😡 I have never been hurt as deeply as I have with narcissists. I understand the deep pain that people with BPD suffer, and they ALWAYS apologize for their outbursts, unlike people with narcissism. This video was a dud, but I won't let that bring me down. I know that under all the ignorance, there are people out there that do truly understand BPD and compassionately offer help and *hope* for those of us that suffer this intense diagnosis.
@@DarleyHavidsun I didn't think it was a dud. I found it to be very informative.
Lusty Argonian Maid The problem with that is that you seem to believe that apologizing, if they do, is enough to repair the damage. Another sign of the lack of empathy of BPD types.
I wish I could tell my mom that...she could leave and actually be happy for once
Yeah, and "normal" people like to make excuses for the narcissist. Screw 'em all, look after yourselves
Now I feel like we’re getting to the heart of the problems; I think these types of topics will be literally life saving 💪🏽, Thanks.
who makes more suicide a borderline or a narcissistic personality disorder?
Sorry I’m not the therapist, but don’t stop searching 🤔👏🏽🌈
@@markomarkovic5340 Don't know, but I'd lean towards the disorder that is the most difficult to see. The Covert Narc. And surprisingly enough, they'd be the ones that walk away saying and believing to themselves, "See I was right, just look at what they just did to themselves".
I believe the Narcs biggest weapon or hook is getting the co-dependent to sabotage, do a stupid act or say something stupid and isolated, then use that against them to define the co-dependent, knowing Co's don't have a back-bone.
Absolutly
@Out of the box. Not everyone with BPD is like this.
I have bpd and when she talked about how people with bpd either get completely immersed in someones feelings or they are like a "black mirror" i felt that bc i can usually empathize rly well, too well even, but in emotionally intense situations or when im having a rly low day i tend to shut down and i feel like im totally unable to empathize. im still aware that i should, im simply uncapable of accessing the ability to feel empathy and react accordingly to whatever the other person is talking about.
If I can relate to the person, I totally empathize with them, I could and have even cried with them. However, on the flip, I am often seen as cold because if the person is not someone I know inimately or personally, then I have no feelings for them whatsoever. They are no better than a stray dog, which honestly I have more empathy for. I don't mean to sound to harsh, but just the other day I mentioned to my family member that if I was allowed to and could get away with it with no trouble, I'd kill ever person in the parking lot and store and wouldn't bat an eyelash, just because they were in my way and inconveniencing me. If I can't relate to the person in any way, which is most people I don't know or don't' have an obvious commonality with, than I don't even view them as humans most of the time, just inconvenience.
@imgeniusish I relate so much with this
I completely agree, there are times where i can barely know how to react and other times i relate way too much.
I have BPD. When I was first diagnosed and watched this video I was offended and very hurt as I have extreme empathy. It made me feel like trash. So of course I tuned it out. Now, a year later, AFTER doing therapy I can see her tough love talking points. BPD is a very difficult disorder to have and understand. She isn't talking about people with BPD that have sought out help or the ones that always wondered what was wrong with them. She's also not vilifying those with BPD. Most of us do have extreme empathy. Do we come off that way though, especially when splitting or untreated? Absolutely not. She is speaking a harsh truth. Are we narcissistic? No. Can we seem like a great big uncaring a-hole? Yep.
Same journey and realization with my bpd as u! My current therapy topic is getting over the feeling no one will ever accept me and my controlled bpd
@@aleneblum1042 Controlled bpd is one thing but uncontrolled is a living nightmare. I was with a female who refused to believe she had it and the destruction she caused was beyond comprehension. At least you know you have it and are working on it and that is an accomplishment you should be proud of.
I’m extremely empathetic and I’m on my way to get diagnosed. I feel like shit when I’ve wronged people.
See, ya don’t really. BPD people, like the rest of Cluster B, is ALLLLL about you. Everything is about you. The good, the bad, the ugly. Your meltdowns entirely ignore the feelings of others, you put napalm to the bridge. You just seem to think that because you’re scared of being abandoned, that makes you empathetic is false.
this is making me cry. im 4 minutes in and im scared of watching the rest of the video. i was recently diagnosed with bpd. i know im very sensitive and all that but ur point about how we come across when mistreated.. i know i can be very hurtful and very angry so i see it. thank u for helping me think about it this way. im in therapy and i have a session tomorrow. i just wish i learn to become a better person
“You are not a human punching bag”. Damn bro. My therapist used to tell me that all the time.
I THINK THATS ME... SO IS SHE BPD OR NPD. ????
"They are insecure and want others to feel insecure"
I don’t like that you make it sound so hopeless. I have BPD and I have been in therapy most of my adult life. I chose at an early age, made as a decision not to hurt anyone else or to subject them to my internal madness. The most difficult thing was acknowledging that I had this condition. I did not have the vernacular to talk about it. A lightbulb went on and then everything made sense. The self harm. The inability to regulate my emotions. The staying in relationships that were toxic. My emotions could run the gamut of being happy one moment to being suicidal in a matter of minutes. The fear, and possibility of being abandoned felt as if I was in a situation of a machete wielding lunatic coming at me. Any and every emotion carried this intensity. I am much better because of therapy, medication, CBT, and mindfulness. I have a toolbox now and I have my words. So please don’t paint us as a lost cause with no empathy. We are all too aware of our short comings.
Thank you for sharing this I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I feel almost more lost but understand at the same time
@@emmy16661 You will get better. The exercises are difficult at first but become rote with use. I still struggle but I have a life now. Don’t give up.
@@MrChristophermeloni thank you I look forward to hopefully being able to have a life soon
This 100%
I really needed to hear this. I just damaged an important relationship to me and would really like to push to make things how they should’ve been in the first place by learning, understanding, and adapting more of these teachings. I needed your message, God bless you!
I once read an excellent book, on BPD " I hate you, don't leave me"by Dr J.J.Kreismann. Sometimes a person with a BPD instead of holding on to a friend because of fear of abandoned. They react in a paradoxical way, they drive away the person whom they need the most. To make a self check and also to prove to themselves that they don't need the other
So true. I was in a relationship with someone who now I know has BPD. He kicked me out multiple times. I came back a third time and the fighting was too much. I left and I still get text saying I abandoned him but then the next text is he loves me, then the next he says he hates me. He pushed me away and blamed me for abandonment. It’s maddening!! I feel sad for him.
I cant wrap that around my head 😳
@@imperator4973 it’s like “better beat them to it bc everybody leaves” and making them hate them me might be the only option bc I’m so attached and codependent I can’t let go on my own. At least I think that’s why. I’m sure that doesn’t make it make sense but ya. Better trash the relationship so I don’t hold on to it so much? I think it’s subconscious, I’ve never actually thought these things. I might also be testing them to see if they will come closer when I push, and if not, guess I was right about them...Orrrr maybe I need to push them to being mean themselves, so I can have a hurt to hold onto and remind myself how bad it was. I suddenly subconsciously need to find a way out, bc of a predicted hurt. That is really all I know.
I’ve never actually left anyone (well, the serious long term partners I’ve had ) I’ve always been left. Can’t do it. Edit: oh wait except all those times I didn’t mean it... how could I forget...
yep it’s just as maddening to have it...saying this as someone who dated borderlines before mine really came out into focus.
i'm in the middle of my leaving. it's been a week already. It's hard, man.
It's a cycle
Why on earth do you play the end cue music so early while they are still speaking? And to make matters worse, the music levels are almost the same audio levels as the speakers. Its quite irritating.
... and rude. watched this bc of dr ramani not bc of the interviewer. less arrogance and no interruptions when she speaks wd be appreciated.
Great interviewer. Take a deep breath everyone- life is great when you remember to breath 😊
You’re all borderliners 😳!
I just said that too without realising that you too and probably others had done so too. It's a pity the channel owner doesn't check comments more frequently.
@@un-diluted7444 Daniel, I don't think he's too bad to be honest. Typically interviewers are of the 'bolder', brasher type. In ways, they have to be. But to give him his due I didn't find him overtly intrusive at all, as admittedly is the case with a lot of them. Also I have to say that his questions and interjections are highly relevant; I also think they're quite short too, appropriately.
But that's just my opinion!!
I am a quiet borderline and was dating a covert narcssissit it was hell.
I did too . It’s literally devastating
Nightmare
Out of the box. I have never heard this. Malignant narcissists are very different that borderline people.
@Out of the box. She sooooo obsessed with NPD/narcissism, that you by if you go what she says you will start to see everyone as a narcissist. She doesn't even disclaim that some things can be attributed to other disorders aswell.
Am not perfect but it was so toxic it was crazy making
I have BPD and C-PTSD and I'm beginning to get to the core of it - a parent was a horrible narcissist. It left me so uncertain (from the early years) about anything and how to feel and what to do and all kinds of stuff. This left me in that infantile state she described, as well as the extreme fear of abandonment and extreme moods. It's horrible.
I'm exactly the same as what you wrote. 😔
same here yall arent alone. cptsd and bpd comes from years of childhood trauma and abandoment. i dont think anyone would ever truly understand it unless theyve also gone thru it. i for one defo have empathy and love
I love that you said don’t be a martyr. I told my husband that exact same thing a couple of months ago regarding his mother. She may be family, but I’m not suffering anymore to keep the peace.
Yes
Stop finishing sentences for the doctor and also interrupting her before she’s finished her before she’s finished . First off it’s rude and secondly it’s annoying .
Most importantly, she's the one providing the information.
Agatha jay you sound dumb🙄shut up.
@Agatha jay keep calm
Awesome interview Kyle 👍👏💯
It's rude because it's annoying.
I have BPD. I respond with mostly sadness, with underlying boiling rage in my thoughts that I keep there. I care about things deeply, and actively want to be better. Although, I went long enough to be given a diagnosis and thought, "I'm too poor, and too smart to not just read about this on my own." (LOL#mentaldisorder) I attempt every day. It's a choice. No one has the power to make you feel a feeling, you choose to react to stimuli with a learned response, and the moment you give someone that is that moment you take away the only really power you have--to be autonomous. I know very deeply about myself, I like to think. But what I didn't know was I thought everyone was like this. I connect to ANYONE easily because I identify so well with the concept of longing. Everyone just wants to connect. I deeply feel others feelings, and I'm easily moved. Because I absolutely will crumble with the even idea of paranoid abandonment. Others who don't know me well would describe me as haughty, arrogant, and vain. Whereas I think of myself as passionate, competent, and extremely and deeply lacking any real concept of self esteem. I'm working on it. Thanks for being my therapist, RUclips comments.
As I stated above...DBT is a BPD's hope!
Just for anyone reading this, those with BPD definitely do feel empathy. There’s a lot of stigma, but knowledge on the disorder is growing all the time. BPD presents in some as overly high empathy levels, which is why we merge with others, will become what they want us to be, and are quite vulnerable. BPD often comes from childhood trauma where we over identify with those that hurt us to cope. As for BPD rage, it’s not always something that is presented outwards. In many with BPD the rage and pain is turned inward, which is why self harming behaviour is so common in those with BPD. The BPD person described in the video is correct in some cases, but we know there are different ways for BPD to present. Princess Diana, for example, is a likely Borderline. Fears of abandonment, intense emotional sensitivity, high empathy, a desire to be loved but no sense of self, self harming behaviour, unstable emotions etc. We have to be careful not to characterise those with BPD as abusive due to the way some borderlines behave, because a great many people with BPD are targets for abuse. Many of us grew up in traumatic environments, which primes us in later life to crave security and love - at any cost. People with BPD are sadly very easy to abuse.
I agree. I have a lot of empathy. That’s why I get stuck in helping people for years and then understanding I just feel empty. I am quite bpd type. So I cry a lot because I just want to be loved. I’m also easily manipulated because if I think you are a good person and honest I will just do anything when you need help. But once someone lies to me I just run away and it hurts me so much.
@@elfglow4557 Thank you for replying so eloquently. I'm the same. I'd probably be called a quiet borderline too. I wish more people knew that there are different types of BPD. x
I wonder if this wouldn't be C-PTSD you are describing?
@@r1v3rw0lf It's so mad that you said this! I have come to the realisation very recently with my therapist that it probably *IS* misdiagnosed C-PTSD!!! It's hard to get used to because for years I thought I had BPD and tried to advocate etc, and I'm only really coming to terms with it all now. Thank you for responding. I'm on the journey right now and I just hope it doesn't let down those with BPD because if it turns out I don't have it, they have supported me very much xxx
People with BPD are both at risk to be abused and risk of abusing others. There are too many factors that go into deciding which it would end up being, but ultimately, toxicity on toxicity isn't going to be a good long-term match.
I have BPD and my ex boyfriend has narcisstic personality disorder. It was horrible relationship.
Bařka Bezejmenná How did u end it???
Women love narcissist
NPD and BPD tend to attract each other. The relationship between the two is horrible, very toxic.
supertroll no we don’t, my bf is the sweetest person in the world haha
@@alnosaints Of course, they love men fully narcissistic, with narcissistic tendencies or imitators of narcissistic behaviors. They always deny it and their actions always contradict their words. "Narcissists are horrible, and that is why the current one is the 43th narcissist I am with"...
I have been diagnosed with BPD (I'm female) and my mom was a narcissist. Imagine desperately seeking empathy from a mom who simply cannot give it. I thought she was a sociopath for years. It's still devastating but she didn't know any better and I love her.
Sending u validation I totally understand
U don't have to love that bitch. It's just a bodily relation with our parents. The world is so big 👏🏻you will find people who love u or are like u.
When they said "same house different rooms" its basically how I lived with my narcissistic mother while I have BPD haha
Me too I'm 100% certain my mams a narcissist, and I question if I'm somewhat BPD but get passes off as depression and anxiety by my drs from I was a kid. I now have Fibromyalgia too and quite a lot of bad health at 36 due to huge amounts of stress my whole life. And I never had a normal childhood and was controlled terribly till I left home in my middle 20s and she still controls me now to a degree. Meanwhile my dad completely abandoned me and I've worried about things like that my whole life and I've never had a consistent best friend or partner till last 10 years. Hard getting Drs to listen though because my mam tells me I'm self pitying all the time so I avoid going to Drs or anywhere much alone.
@@shelzblack488 Wow...this sounds so familiar! I used to say to myself I am swinging between Anxiety and Depression. Even leaving my birth country, and my mother from the age of 19...I thought I had created a respectful distance for my mental health by even having learned English...a language that truly separates us because she would not be able to understand anyways...even if I wrote in the language of my birth country, I am only realizing now more and more so that cutting her out and that totally from my life is the best for my own mental health because as you said yourself...there was no consistent best friend...and then you read people saying: My mother is my best friend when I had to raise myself into the woman I am today... until about 4 years ago when I met my now husband who is the best friend now I needed...who thankfully gets my family history, and has seen me changing, getting all anxious and nervous from one moment to the next after I had been in touch with her...it is like she creeps into my mind as she used to in the past telling me not to make HER a grandmother too soon...or talking me out of things I wanted, liked...but she did not want for me...it was always about her...never about her child...her daughter...which somehow runs in my female line which goes back way beyond my great-grandmother that the child was somehow not wanted...seen yes, but not heard...listen to! And that had to end with me that I broke that vicious cycle! And in truth, it feels finally freeing to shake off that heaviness that was never mine to begin with!!!
I'm proud of y'all! Thank you for sharing your stories, it srsly helps me find comfort a lot! ♡ c:
Justified, and a patio extention for the family pet.
Facts
I feel the biggest difference is borderlines have affective empathy, whereas narcs lack affective empathy.
I like how you mentioned that people shouldn't be martyrs to people with disorders. While we can keep boundaries and respect them as humans, we shouldn't sabotage our own lives to be close to them.
Also I found it interesting what she said about babies vs. Toddlers and why BPD and narc relationships are so heart breaking.
It's like leaving the baby alone in the care of a toddler who could throw a tantrum at any time.
I though I was a BP for more than two decades. Having learned about the severe damage my narcissistic mother has done to me and why I became the way I am/was, I understood that it were the Narcissists in my life- familymembers and partners, who drove me mad, made me feel depressed and mistrust them. I learned about reactive "abuse" and realised: I wasn't a BP, I was under constant pressure from being abused, shamed and manipulated. Before diagnosing yourself with BP, check the people you live with. I'm the only Empath, Introvert and HSP amongst close people I was in contact with. They drove me mad to the point I was suicidal for decades and I'm probably depressed forever. But also very strong and resilient
This is really really true... I've realized, painfully, that everyone in my family are fundamentally dishonest weirdos and gaslighters. And that the few fiends who insist on my presence are always trying to rip me off or manipulate me in some way. I'm experiencing a profound sadness about it lately.
That is what BPD is; it is a trauma response; BPD and trauma go hand-in-hand. It is a reaction to complex trauma (CPTSD)- neglect, abuse, intermittent reinforcement, etc.
I would love to have her as my doctor ... she’s awesome
5:10 "Leave the room quickly." My brother with NPD married a woman with BPD. Believe me, that is the best possible advice.
I have BPD and I'm in the process of getting professionally diagnosed with it and treating it, and I've hurt so many people and ruined so many relationships. Especially one recently, like a month ago, he wouldn't let me apologize to him or make amends, and I can't blame him for it. It kills me inside that he hates me and so many people will never forgive me, but I'm trying to forgive myself and grow as a person.
Jesus loves you and understands why you are as you are, I pray with therapy you will gain self control and a happier life. I have someone close to me with BPD due to traumatic childhood and many moves in care. He is worth loving.
After a particularly heated blow-up, I've been both obligated and relieved to cut personal contact with a close friend and coworker of 8 years not much less than a month ago. After failing to get me fired or threaten me into quitting she's coming to realize I've also wised up to the hoovering, and flying monkeys have likely informed her I've sought alternative sources of income.
By her count, this will be our sixth separation (feels like the first to me.)
Reserving my joy is so noticeably painful the pit in my stomach makes me want to instinctively curl up, I so desperately miss the hugs and sing-alongs, I think I'll need to give notice after the holidays.
The last thing I wrote to her personally was "Forgive yourself."
Knowing the way she likely interpreted it feels terribly mean to admit openly. I so dearly wish there was a way for me to explain to her how sincerely I meant it without reengaging in an impossibly toxic relationship.
I guess I wanted to throw all of that out there to say, in this anecdotal experience, I DON'T hate her! I need so little to welcome her back and it's hard to comprehend how difficult a "proper" apology is for some people.
I commend you for the self-awareness and seeking help. I'm hopeful your fears are wrong about some of the people from your past, doubt you're a complete butt-head, and am sure some of them miss the positive side of your company.
I'm in therapy to process my parts in all of this and grow myself, good luck on the introspective journey stranger!
@@myrtleesther8855 thank you for the kind comment, that really means a lot to me. I'm not a religious person and I don't believe in Jesus, but I still appreciate the kind words. Often people (like me) with BPD aren't bad or manipulative people, they are just highly emotional, empathetic, and broken people, because a lot of this stems from PTSD, childhood trauma, and abandonment. I don't like hurting people, my actions were to protect myself and relieve myself from the intense pain and fear I was in.
@@Edited6 I'm sure you can relate to the people who have cut me off because of my behaviors. I really hope they don't hate me, and I understand they had to put themselves first. I used to hate them and demonize them for "abandoning" me, especially my best friend. I saw an analogy somewhere, it's like a bucket with a hole at the bottom. It doesn't matter how much love you pour into it, it will always seep out. It doesn't matter how much love someone pours into me because I hate myself so much, and I'm so afraid, I just can't accept it. I doubt them, I lash out at them, I don't trust them, and I leave them before they could leave me. It's like going up to someone and punching them in the face because they could've punched you. It's just unnecessary. The people who have left me left a deep wound (not really a scar because I'm still healing) but I know I will become a better person, a better friend and a better girlfriend, and I will cherish what I have and not let a mental illness destroy anymore friendships or relationships. But thank you for the kind words, I wish you good luck on your journey as well.
I’m in exactly the same boat. I’ve pushed literally everyone away lol. Wishing you the best 🫶🏾
What Dr.Ramani said about dealing with people with people with BPD and narcissism is spot on. I had a friend who had BPD (diagnosed by me lol) who was so toxic I had to walk a way from our friendship. She was so manipulative and lies constantly. Even after I ended the friendship she never took accountability for anything she did. She never thought she did anything wrong. Now when I see someone start to act like her I run away. I’ve learned my lesson.
Sounds more like NPD
I've been diagnosed with BPD; I disagree in regards to the empathy statement.... "They are not wired with empathy...."
I agree empathy is not a reaction that I'm familiar with during a episode; outside of my episodes, I'm definitely wired with empathy
Exactly. This is one woman spouting off. I've read other psychs talk about how empathy is our superpower.
@@myatuesday It's due to a confusion between empathy and sympathy.
I was soo empathetic and done a lot for people. Not all borderlines are cold or angry people. Some are sensitive and empathetic towards others feelings
She was saying that narcissists don't have empathy.
I'd say it's more like we have a short circuit or an overload, rather than fully not being wired. You can only have your emotions used as a weapon against yourselves so much and expect to not have some empathy problems.
I have BPD myself. I want to take a moment to thank you guys for putting out these videos. Self-awareness is truly the heart of making changes in our life. We just have to truly want them. I have been working for years to gain some kind of grip on my disorder & remain logical, not emotional. Awareness seems to be the key. So thank you. These videos helped me better see certain patterns of behaviors in myself that I hadn't noticed before. Only if I see them can I truly heal them. Again, thank you.
I feel supportive
.....self awareness! I have BPD and encountering a Narcissist in relationship is positive for me! I have learned alot about myself. Addressing Abandonment issues I feel readjusted! .....Ty for sharing!
This is sadly spot on. I've been diagnosed with BPD and my last relationship was with a narcissist who almost led me to commit suicide. Ngl, we both were playing games with each other. However, as a borderline I've learned the hard way to never ever ever play with a narcissist ever again! We don't stand a chance. Honestly.
No wonder people with BPD are suicidal... "It's never going to end". Talk about hopelessness.
I feel like some people with BPD really really want to change. It's the hopelessness shown by the world, not their fault, but it's just unfair if you listen to it. What we need is to stop listening to that hopelessness, and start change ourselves for our own sake and not for the sake of impressing other people. Is it doom for us? It's like we're doomed to live life just on the border of it being bearable enough on our own, and maybe keep our distance from everyone else until we may or may not find someone who can enter our boundaries safely.
But I'm more introverted borderline, so. I'm just tired. I don't want to hurt people but it's hurtful and I don't know how to get close to them healthily. I think we have to learn to be self-sufficient first.
Atom Nous same
@@atomnous i get that too. if i keep calm and remind myself that everything passes i can manage everything, it's not easy and takes a lot of effort and mental gymnastics, sometimes numbing myself out but it's getting better. also, it helps a lot if i don't have to hide and can just be myself around people, even a few selected ones that i KNOW i can trust. btw, trusting is so difficult
Never going to end, and easy to feel toxic... To feel like the problem. She is incorrect in saying the person diagnosed with bpd will accept blame as some kind of negotiating tactic, serious deep guilt and shame. Deep and sincere remorse. On top of it epilepsy. That is another disorder boasting a higher risk of self destructing. Painful to feel one"s loved ones are better off without them.
Dont buy into what this lady is saying about the rage and these things are never going to end. Nothing is to hard for God. I hate when these clinicians get into their work and try to tell someone they must suffer forever in that condition. It has taken me years but i can bounce back quicker than i used to...bpd
Whenever I see people talk about BPD the comments are way more informative and accurate and healing than the so called experts
I seriously hate the whole "lack of empathy" stereotype for BPD. Some of us yes maybe but definitely not all so I feel uncomfortable and hurt when people generalise; I know several sweet, kind and generous pwBPD and when I expressed being upset about that particular stigma to my bf he texted back "lol youre empathetic af"
@@gingit3239 Yeah. Even a couple I know w what I would consider the "bad" version of BPD possess empathy. At worst, it comes down to prioritizing self over others and losing sight of empathy then due to self-preservation or whatever. But that's w anybody...
On the flip BPDs are often the type that would set themselves on fire to keep others warm. If that's not empathy idk what is. (toxic of a from as it may be) Certainly not a trait NPDs possess. That's for sure. NPD is more likely to set you on fire to keep themselves (and only themselves) warm then act like you should be thankful for the privilege to be in their company.
Ikr!!
I love yall
I partially agree I feel like while borderlines do love and care extremely deeply, they feel all emotions extremely deeply from love to hate. It doesn’t make them devils, but I have never had an emotional or verbal SmackDown from any other type of person the same way I have from a borderline. They will cut you at your knees and use everything against you if you don’t give into their emotions.
the borderline has to have the cash to afford a therapist who actually knows how to help a borderline. they are rare and expensive.
Im pretty tired of being blamed for lack of trying.
borderline
Nothing is as good as a trained therapist, but you do have two v.ery good alternatives. One is The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Daniel Fox. Its phenomenally helpful. Second, there is an app called DBT Coach available on apple and Samsung. It has dbt lessons, tips and tricks, exercise and coping skills. Wonderful, portable tool. Both the book and the app will build your recovery foundation as you continue to search for a clinician. If you need help, pls email me. Barbthedancer@gmail.com. I've had BPD for 25 years. You can manage this disorder. The value of a peaceful mind is worth the time and investment. I've suffered from bpd for 25 years, untreated. I would be happy to share with you how I finally pummeled it into submission
Raphaella Velasquez ik most therapists if they dont specialize in BPD will tell you you dont have it so they dont have to treat it or that you cant be helped or theyll just give you whatever treatment so they get paid
@@chrisjuliette Most therapists? What are you basing that statement on?
There is a $10 class on udemy by alicia paz that teaches DBT skills. I highly recommend it.
I can't tell you how many times my BPD ex agreed to seek therapy in order to save our relationship. There are plenty of therapists who charge on a sliding scale if you don't have the money for it. But he never bothered to try. He had years to try and even insurance coverage for 2 of those years and all I got was excuses about money he was blowing on other crap.
This woman is pure gold. None of the books I've ever read on BPD cleared this matter out for me better than her. Real treasure of clinical psychology!
Instead of people trying to work out & judge others, firstly they should look at their own defects of character. Every one is flawed. I was a psychiatric nurse for 7 years, & a few psychiatrists & psychologists were patients. A saying was people get into being an analyst to work out their problems for free...😆
@@carolmanning8367 Yes! I know a few clinical psychologists who are also friends. They are more psychologically messed up then some of their worst patients! Before you can become a licensed therapist, you should have to be evaluated and treated for your own personal disorders!
She’s brilliant. And so clear!
Agree!
Diagnosing BPD or NPD is problematic as those with ADHD and Autism are frequently diagnosed with these disorders and I'd like to see this issue discussed.
I have ADHD and I’m married someone who has BPD and the Clear Difference is that I can sustain my Empathy and enjoy the company of others but regardless of how long it takes to appear BPD will show up in an Clear way if know what to look for it’s shows.FYI when I take my Medicine I’m able to I D them very easily....work in progress 🙏🏼
@@ennvee1970 Riiiiiight
@@ennvee1970 I have ADHD and BPD.
This right here! I got diagnosed with BPD (but the therapist who diagnosed me also said she wasn't 100% sure but that the official diagnosis would qualify me for the accomodations I needed and give me better access to DBT) when I went to the DBT therapist it wasn't working out so well. I legit don't meet some of the main BPD criteria, I don't have quick rage, I don't have a history of suicidality or self harm. My biggest thing is fear of abandonment (I'm also a childhood sexual and emotional abuse survivor and neglect survivor). But I've had psych Ed testing multiple times in my life for other weird things like failing to pick up non verbal social cues, weird proccessing speed etc. Got an ADHD diagnosis when I was little still struggled got more pusch Ed testing in high school they slapped on nonverbal learning disability and told me my IQ was weird (extremely gifted reasoning but average/slightly below average in proccessing speed). I also had sensory issues as a child. And have a half sister with asbergers but when I told my DBT therapist all of this she insisted I just thought I was autistic because I have an "unstable sense of self" (a trait of Bpd I never identified with as the things I mentioned I struggled with have been consistent feelings from my whole life as in I have notes to myself and diary entries from second grade and poetry from middle school about feeling this way) and because "I wanted everyone around me to change for me but me not do any of the work" when I had been in therapy for 20+ years working on myself. Am super abnormally self aware (I credit this honestly now to my pattern spotting abilities self reflection and ressoning, and have a lot of emotional intelligence. I just get overwhelmed easily.) She kept telling me autism is a PERVASIVE DEVELOPMENTAL disorder and that my rigid thinking, need for repitition, sensory overload etc were all BPD and that I didn't possibly have a developmental disorder. Even though I deadass was diagnosed at age 8 with ADHD and both ADHD and autism are catagorized as neurodevelopmental disorders. So it was on record multiple times I had some sort of learning and developmental disorder I am just also very intelligent. But I struggle a lot socially. But it was like being diagnosed with BPD took away all agency for anyone to believe me. Because any form of disagreeing with my therapist was seen as me not having a stable sense of self of lashing out. And need I mention this happened after I simply asked her for information about how to get further testing to see if I was autistic. Not even me saying I definitely was. Just that I had enough weird things to consider testing. Anyway she grilled me and made me cry and shut down even when I told her that her portrayal of me as trying to not do any work didn't match up at all. Even when I reached out to my old therapist after that experience she confirmed it sounded off. I asked family and friends they all said it sounded off. Mental health professionals systematically still gaslight folks with BPD or with a BPD diagnosis. But the more I learn the more I'm starting to think I just have CPTSD and am autistic. The entire time I was in DBT the behaviors I had were patholigized in ways they never were when I was in therapy before. Even therapy that significantly helped me. It was a really jarring expeirence and I haven't gone back (as I said I have 20+ years of therpay under my belt. So I've been managing but even then I know I'll have to find a new therapist but the experience was legitinatly traumatizing.)
I am diagnosed with both but was only officially tested for Adhd., no one ever discussed the bpd with me it just appeared on a letter one day. I've worked in mental health for years as a nurse and the comments I heard in relation to bpd where so negative, if mental health professionals are judging us based on a clinical diagnosis then what hope is there. Luckily now I've found a supportive group and for the first time in treatment for both. I'm attracted to people who have issues feeling like I can rescue them and they seem to be attracted to my willingness to support their needs. Truth is it never ends well.
I have bpd and i used to be in a relationship with a VERY narcissistic person. Of course i couldn't leave after all the damage he had caused and everything going on in my head already because of the pd. We were together almost 6 years. Still think back on it and thank all the gods i got out. That relationship was like one from hell. He made me feel so lowly about myself, and that i'm always worse than him. I really hope people in similar situations get out, and realize their worth.
Stella Annie I was in the exact same situation! Except it was a 3 year old relationship...and I often used to think he had bpd as well due to the way he was acting (i didn't really know much about narcissism anyway) and so I tried to "fix" him because I knew what it was like...it all turned against me always. So I'm so glad it didn't last any longer and that now I can actually try to get better since I don't have someone always bringing me down.
And I'm so happy for you as well, that you got out of that terrible relationship and are now better!
vortexx killaxx Narcissist spotted
regardless of that relationship, the real question is: how lowly did you feel about yourself because you have BPD (like myself) ?
@@Peteyzee98 STFU
I've heard this story before. And it seems that the only lasting relationships for borderlines are those established with narcissists, psychopaths and abusers. After the idealization stage, the borderline invariably throws her / his successive partners to the sushi machine of devaluation and discard. And while neurotypical (normal) people resign themselves to being dumped and to get away with a depression, the narcissist and the psychopath strike back with violence or cunning and make it clear to the borderline that she / he won't play with them. Psychopaths & narcissists break the cycle of abuse on them to impose their own, because they do not allow to be won on their own field.
I'm BPD
I survived.
And yes it was NEVER going to work.
I am SO thankful for coming across THIS video
I don’t see how he was interrupting her, he spoke at the right time. I do agree with the added music in the end, it is quite annoying, but great interview overall!!
He interrupts pretty much every single sentence. I don't see how you cannot pick up on that?!
I agree.
Agreedddd
@@yansareddik8180 He did a couple of times but I don't think he meant to be rude. I think he was just trying to clarify a few things. He was definitely not interrupting "pretty much every other sentence", that's a huge exaggeration.
What? He was interupting her quite a bit,even talking over her!!!!
I could listen to Dr. Ramani all day long! I so appreciate her insights.
Please stop cutting her off. This interviewer is stressing me out.
Allison Williams Yes! And that bizarre music for over a full minute playing overtop of her speaking!! It’s super annoying!
Stfu
Classic case of projection.
Hm. I usually can't stand that but sometimes an interviewer has to interrupt. She'll keep going forever and he's wanting to steer the conversation in certain ways. As long as it's rare and not too disruptive or abrupt and I think he accomplished that. At least I didn't notice it as much as you.
because he is a narcissist
You saved me ! I watched this before, during, and after my relationship with someone with NPD while I live wit BPD. You made me realize i am NOT crazy ! I saw this but didn’t want to believe it and I tried. I’m just glad I got out !! I’m worth more than the way they made me feel! I’m free now!! Thank you Dr ramani!
Congrats! Good for you! This takes courage and self love. I appreciate the teachings at Plum Village founded by Thich Nhat Hanh, Byron Katie's The Work. Jonathon Aslay wrote an excellent book "What the Heck is Self Love Anyway?", sharing about self love and relationships. Sending love, peace and blessings! 🥰
It's hard to not "self sacrifice" to keep a happy environment when it's your parent... am a survivor from this type of relationship.
ITS, SO COLD & BARRON, ~ AND, I'D, STILL, BE A "SACRIFICIAL LAMB" TODAY, BUT, MY LADYPAL, WAS SO SWEET, IN BEGINNING, AND, A FEW, GENUINE, PSYCHIATRIC PhDs, ON HERE, SCHOOLED ME, ON MOST ANGLES, NO, A "GOOGLE"? SEARCH? INVEST , TIME~
Ditto
Playing music over someone talking is a huge no-no! Shame on the editor. This is important information. That is rude. Please fix it.
DeAnn S,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Yes! Thank you! It comes in way too early and too loud, and it was especially distracting because it audibly loops! Please avoid this in the future.
Yeah, this was totally weird and distracting.
“They don’t change their name, they don’t change their hair color”
Yep spot on understanding there!
right? So every weirdo named Sunset with green hair has BPD. So dumb.
@An angel they are not the same at all.
Yes, she was the one to say that in another video and he learned it.
I've been accused of being narsistic.
I researched and applied what I learned because I was ashamed.
I have been more aware since then but videos like this are SO eye opening and for someone who has a wife and kids I do not want to hurt in any way this video makes a huge difference.
I and my family thanks you.
Dr Romini has such a developed understanding of people and such a sharp, logical, scientific approach at the same time. Just wow.
I am the punching bag to my person with BPD. She is the mother of my two children and I'm now going through my second custody battle with her - after she previously got "help" and "got better." It's absolute hell! Personal heartbreak aside, I see what my children have to endure because of this illness and that breaks my heart even more. The doctor is quite right, they will turn their support into their own personal martyr. She's also right about the courts. I'm facing losing my two children to this abuse when I am the victim. But, the courts don't have the time or inkling to actually learn about it. How many other children suffer in this way just because the courts aren't up to speed on the behavioral health realities that really harm children so. I really hope the family law courts change, not just for my two boys (4 & 2), but also for the rest of the kids and good parents out there that become collateral damage to BPD.
He sits on the big sofa and guest lady sits on a chair with cushion...lol
Perhaps implying the stereotypical view of a therapist guiding psychoanalysis of a patient "reclining" on a therapy couch? Just a thought...
sub scriber it looks like she’s a therapist and he’s her patient.
Adam Brady I'm pretty sure no one actually feels like a chair makes them a "big man" what kind of dumb shit is that lol. It's just furniture.. that they are sitting on...
They both look comfortable!
Idk if it come out badly, not my intention, but as a photographer and understanding about video making and etc, lemme tell you that there's an aesthetic going on in this video, her chair has a flower pattern and it's more delicate, feminine, so It suits her better because she's a woman. His big comfy sofa has no much details and looks "blend", also the color, so it's more "manly". So maybe that's why.
Having C-PTSD, and BPD I'm having an extremely hard time to even find a therapist that will take me on. I've been pushed onto 3 different therapist as a recommendation from the last.
I feel like this is a never ending battle, and I'm not winning anymore.
Have you gone ln to the BPD reddit? They might be able to help you find a psychologist.
I have BPD and this post made me feel really upset, how are you now did you find a therapist? We do get a hard time don't we, I have no idea why in the grand scheme of things. I hope you're well in yourself and have some support network x
This is my favorite thing on RUclips right now. She's so informative
I'm pretty sure there are some narcissists that will sometimes pretend to take accountability for something, in order to draw their partner back in, so that they can continue to control the situation (ie. saying "sorry" without actually being sorry, just to get their partner to calm down). In other cases, they might actually feel guilty when they realize they were really wrong (probably the least common scenario), or they are embarrassed that they got caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. When someone with BPD takes accountability, it's also not always due to abandonment issues and wanting to keep that other person close, but can also be due to actually feeling really shameful/guilty for lashing out or hurting the other person. People with BPD usually don't want to hurt others, it just happens because of the emotional outbursts. There are also cases where the individual with BPD feels so victimized that they are unable to process, in the moment, how they are hurting someone else, and this looks like they're just trying to blame the other person and twist things around. Different situations can result in different responses from individuals with either NPD or BPD, so I don't think it's accurate to say that the Narcissist never takes accountability and the Borderline only does for one particular reason. Also, people with either of these diagnoses could have different traits (as you don't have to have *all* of the traits to be diagnosed), and most traits can also be more severe for some people than they are for others. All disorders exist on somewhat of a spectrum, as there are different severity levels and different manifestations of symptoms.
I think that the main differences between NPD and BPD are that people with BPD have the intense fear of abandonment, and the super intense emotions. Marsha Linehan (who invented Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to treat BPD) compares a BPD patient to the emotional equivalent of a 3rd degree burn victim, meaning that they have no emotional skin. They're very very sensitive, and their experiences are very very painful to them. When they lash out, they are doing it because of the intense pain and fear they are experiencing, even if it seems like it's just because they're not getting what they want. Not getting what they want is often experienced as rejection/abandonment, which is exactly what they are afraid of. It's super painful when they feel like they need this particular thing/person in order to be remotely comfortable, and they're not getting what they feel like they need. There's an intense feeling of vulnerability and desperation that comes with that. I think it's difficult to imagine or understand that level of emotion, unless you've actually experienced it (which I have). That's very different from someone with NPD, who becomes upset/angry, because they feel that they *should* be getting their way, and they feel that others *should* be providing for them.
The empathy piece also threw me off, because people with BPD can be incredibly empathetic, even if they haven't experienced that particular emotion/situation before. I think that what she is referring to is if there's an interpersonal conflict, they can't necessarily empathize with the other person's experience in the midst of that conflict. That's different than not being able to empathize with a friend's experience that's different from their own, during a regular conversation, or if the friend was asking for advice. During a conflict/argument, the person with BPD would be too overwhelmed by their own intense emotions to also be able to process the other person's feelings. Outside of the conflict, or once things have cooled down enough for them to look back and try to process the situation, I believe that most people with BPD would then be able to empathize with the other person's feelings in hindsight, and would also usually feel guilty for hurting that other person.
Very well said I couldn't agree more; I wish those nuances had been made more explicit, especially about BPD and empathy. I cannot kill bugs or watch torture or overly traumatic scenes in movies because they affect me so much, and it's not like I've ever been physically tortured. If I had to pick a number one value it would be kindness. I feel really hurt when I read or hear people labelling me as lacking empathy because they think all pwBPD are the same.
You get it!
MichelleMyBelle what you said is very helpful for me to understand my daughter or rather be able to explain my observations and belief about what she is doing. It often sounds as if I am making excuses for her but I honestly do not feel she means to hurt anyone but is simply trying to survive the pain she is in. Thank you for putting it all so neatly into words!
Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the light. The best cure for the demons of BPD. That's how I was able to have victory over BPD.
Out of the box. I don’t like any of Dr. Ramani’s descriptions of personality disorders. She really has tunnel vision when it comes to that, or at least it seems that she does because she does not describe nuances well at all. She generalizes everything, not a good source.
A lot of people with BPD don't like to go to therapy (or don't like to admit to themselves that they have BPD) because they are made to feel like they are "the bad guy". I have BPD, and it may be my biased opinion, but this video made me feel like I was a bad person because of this disorder. There are many types of BPD, including my subtype (Quiet) where the individual takes out their emotional and identity instability on themselves internally more so than externally.
Same! I was a bit surprised at the tone this video started taking and felt like a villian for having a disorder. And to say that people don't get better is completely untrue. I'm almost completely symptom free at 35 and many others get better with age and treatment.
@@tdeuce7 It's good to see I'm not alone with that feeling! For me, it's very hard to tell if my feelings are genuine or over-exaggerated so seeing someone else have the same response is very validating for me.
@@TaradaPryoNINJA I'm so glad you're getting better. I didn't start to notice improvement until after 30 so you're getting a great start lol! I feel like I missed out on a lot of my early adulthood because I was so engulfed in the illness.
exacatly!! I can totally see why many people with BPD end up not getting treatment, when there is videos like these in which apparent mental health professionals seem to paint people with BPD as villains or monsters.
I also agree with your second comment, it's definitely possible to do self treatment with BPD. especially DBT is great, there are all sorts of manuals and online courses that are very accessible. I wish the best of luck to anyone with BPD reading this and I hope you will succeed in your road to recovery!!
@@Morgenrot333 For 2019 I'm hoping to start a DBT workbook. Talk therapy didn't seem to help me, in fact it got me more riled up about my issues than anything because I felt like I had to fight to validate what I did, so I'm going to try to self treat with the workbook. Plus talk therapy is expensive.
Thank you so much for saying "to step away if you need to" because my mother has NPD. It was a nightmare, the physiological abuse I went through, to the point I struggle with guilt and depression as an adult. I finally stepped away when my children were born bc she tried to weaponize them and I could see the cycle starting to move to them as well. I decided to walk away and it was the best choice i could have made for myself and my children. Though the guilt and people saying "but she is your mother," caused a lot of struggles over the years. I think we have to remember that no everyone's parents want what is best for them or care. Blood is not enough. I have PTSD from it all and I hope to save my children from the same fate. Sometimes we ourselves as victims, have to break the cycle. That is ok, it is ok to walk away. No matter the guilt trips or the blame they place on you or the blame others may feel from what your narcissist said to them about you. IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH. You have given them enough, it's time to think about you. If anyone is reading this that has went through this pain, it is ok. The only power they have over you is what you give them.
I'm so glad more people are getting interested in understanding this.
I feel like Dr. Ramani didn't stress enough a couple of points, like...: 1. BPDs suffer A LOT because of their condition, NPD are just jerks.... 2. BPDs can be difficult but if they receive treatment they are likely to get better. Way better.
José Alejandro Fernández Caminero People with NPD actually suffer too, they can be depressed and commit suicide.
Sure they can, but not because of their narcissism. I'm not an expert on the illness though, but the way I understand it there is absolutely no comparison between what BPDs go through and what NPDs go through... There can be some mood disorders on the side in both cases. That includes depression.
@@josealejandrofernandezcami9238 don't worry about not being an expert. Because neither is she. She's waxing bullshit. One thing she does seem to be proficient at is illiciting confidence. I would say she's an artist.... yup a con artist
José Alejandro Fernández Caminero thank you for adding those points. I’m trying to determine if someone I know is NPD or BPD or both or 😱
José Alejandro Fernández Caminero Much of what I’ve heard is that a Narcissist cannot love you, jealous & actually detest you, aim to break you. Are BPD ppl the same??
Finally! My questions answered!! I believe my mother is borderline, she fits it pretty classically, but she seems very narcissistic at times too. (Such as her gaslighting me). When it gets to minute 9:38, I started tearing up. I've been my mother's emotional punching bag all my life and finally, am starting to distance myself from her and trying to find my own sense of self and self worth. Thank you so much for posting.
I love Dr. Ramani. So well and soft spoken. She has some sort of encouragement and compassion in her voice. And her confidence is incredible. Not an arrogant confidence either. I feel like if I ever met her, I could open up to her about some of my deep struggles, and she’d be so engaged and encouraging.
An ex of mine was murdered by a narcissist when she ended the relationship. He then took his own life. They also had a child together.
I still can’t believe it happened.
Oh my god... I'm so sorry :'(
Yeah the scary thing I did not know about leaving an abusive relationship is they often get worse when they don't have you isolated to control and commit to servitude. He threatened suicide while we were together and said it would be all my fault and that was part of my decision to leave because I thought he might kill me or our child before himself he was violent and suicide is violent also. He had no empathy at all I have lots of it usually but tried to turn it off with him or just enable them. You can't sympathize with their abusing you.
@@AnnaLVajda i hope you are safe now!! Wishing you the best it’s horrible and I’m glad you survived
I would never think a narcissist would commit suicide.
It’s very true unfortunately and it’s because when in a relationship a BPD and narcissist the BPD has openly admitted to the narcissist they’d rather die without them or I’d be lost with you etc and because narcissist do crave being loved and no how hard it is for them to be loved they REFUSE to let you walk away without a fight and at times when REALLY deep into the game the couples even turn the power dynamic into fantasy’s trust me they get CRAZY I (BPD) finally left my narcissist after 6 years and took me a year so far trying to work with my new life it’s very difficult for both because we truly did keep eachother sane
I was diagnosed with BPD 3 years ago. I think there are similaries when it comes to BPD and NPD. I only recently discovered this after doing some in depth research into narcissism. The difference is, people with BPD can get help and can help themselves. I truly believe anyone with NPD will struggle with that because they usually never truly understand that they actually have a problem and usually don't wanna fix it. Most people with BPD eventually do.
Yes. BPD have more insight or greater capacity for insight. NPD types have stronger defenses that block them from achieving this.
These videos are very therapeutic. In that they are confirmation of many things that I learned the hard way. It took me 50 YEARS to break away from a BPD. I thought they were a Narcissist, but I finally understand that there is something BEYOND Narcissism. The reason that I couldn't get through to them was not that I was not kind enough, or giving enough, or love hard enough. My "disorder" was that I was determined that somehow, some way, I could get through. The reason I could not get through to them was because it was IMPOSSIBLE to get through to them.
Thank you for finally bringing up the affected people. I have survived 40 years and counting with a BDP parent. The doctor is right. At one point any empathy you have just runs out and you wish to be a punching bag no more. In my case there is also a child involved and as a mother, I have to prioritise my daughter's and my own wellbeing looking after my own family and not my abusive mother. Even if I know the root for this abuse. There is a limit to how much of it you can endure.
Great interview!! Dr. Ramani is always so clear to explain things. I would like Dr. Ramani talking about "Envy" and "Jealousy" which are very prevalent in many contexts and seem to be increasing due to social media. Are there certain personality disorders more prone to envy? How do we deal with envious people?
Yes! Not just the envious people, but the "haters. "
as i know, from all 10 PD's, narcissists by far are most prone to envy
Rossana P i think envy and jealously are symptoms of narcissism/egoism
Check out Teal swan she’s an amazing spiritual healer, who’s videos on RUclips Clarified many questions I’ve asked and found much clarity and tools to help work on what it is I has searching for , but based on what I’ve always done, for consideration of an envious person, either stay away or don’t bring subject of conversation you know will trigger them , don’t be in their face telling them , keep it simple ( tats if your aware of their envy), if not see how they react really notice their personality behavior, to be able to see it , also try building their self worth by positive word of encouragement, ( again my thoughts, if they always seem envious) cut the connection, as quickly and swiftly as your aware , . A for heaters, usually people that are projecting their own self hatred on you ( one say to self , I don’t accept this gift you choose to give me ) second out your hand on your heart and send them love ( either aloud or silently) they need it more than you do, and your gift of return to sender that was not accepted puts them in the “ so now how do I deal with this which I’ve avoided/ stuffed them always deflected) because they don’t know how to deal with this ( your compassionately of sending love to them , will help raise your vibes &appreciation to self😊 will build ) in no time they ( heaters) will seem to disappear from your life including the envious ones) hope I’ve helped some , I’ve really enjoyed the comrodery and great compassionate advice I saw from you all in the comments, thank you all for being you , you perfectly perfect where you are keep expending your mind , flow with the heart from love , you will never regret your actions:) love and appreciation and light to you all xoxoxo
@@niva-orruvio1312 She's the worse person to take advice from. Stick with the professional doctors whom specialise with these issues.
Thank you for this explanation of the two disorders. I have one daughter with NPD and one with BPD. The two of them growing up together was a complete nightmare!
Kelly Ann,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
I've typed this 100 times, but I will again. Why has it taken so long for the mental health community to give NPD the attention it deserves? I needed it during my active therapy years ('80's). I knew mom was a narc and I was her scapegoat and I had been narcissistically abused when I discovered and read the not-well-received "People of the Lie" (whose author my narc mom ironically knew as he was local and worked in the hospital she worked at) but my therapist wouldn't hear of it.
This is why I always tune in when I see a Dr. Ramani Durvasula interview. She’s always on point and does her best to make sure the interviewer comes away having been amply fueled with a new understanding. PLUS, @7:15, he asks the question every single working employee has to know how to address. Thanks!
Fairly certain that mom has bpd, and dad has npd. My childhood was really messed up. I have C-PTSD and don't talk to them anymore and it was the best choice I ever made for myself. I love your videos, thank you so much
I’m thinking I’m in the same boat.
Hope you’re doing well.
OMG this music in the end of the conversation distracts so much!! And this last part is so important!!
Premchik,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Spot on dr Ramani. We are not human punching bags and we need to draw a line in the sand and step away from those abusive relationships.
Its so interesting but not surprising to see how those with BPD are in the comments, but not very many narcissists admitting their struggles.
That was the huge difference between me (who suffers from BPD) and my ex (who displayed various NPD traits/behaviours) I could recognize, take responsibility and truly apologize when I brought my flaws into the relationship. I wanted to improve and decrease my symptoms. My ex however, under any circumstances, no matter how he had treated/manipulated/lied to me: it was my fault and he could do nothing wrong. He could not ever sympathize with my feelings and natural reactions to his misbehaviour.
A thousand times this.
This explained my last relationship. I also have BPD and this was the dynamic
She’s outstanding
Leah Guillory,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Leah Guillory,You are beautiful 🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
My ex is a narcissist and so much blame projecting, no responsibility for anything and terrible anger issues!!!
It was very disturbing and traumatic for me cause they're really manipulative within the house, to the point it's not a loving home and sanctuary of peace Power and Prosperity, heaven.
I've cried so many times, they really do not want to get help and destroy the most beautiful relationships and core FAMILY!!
I teach my 6 yr old son on his level and I had to learn as a man, that I can not fix everything and I will not be her punching bag even though I am very strong minded and ethical, physically...
Listening to her speak is just magical. I deal with a person in my life that I'm pretty sure is BPD and my god. I've endured hours and hours of just straight up rage and in the middle of the rage this person would fall asleep. Literally. Be sleeping and then wake up either feeling bad and saying sorry OR acting like nothing happened and they just didn't get done saying the most hurtful things to me.
It's great to hear her say that setting boundaries and not being a human punching bag is what nobody should have to deal with. Nobody should be a martyr for your nonsense. I'm doing that now and it feels amazing now.
Thank you so much for your clarifications, Dr Ramani. I've just broken up with my husband. He was threatening suicide and appeared with some ropes in front of me during the threat. He was blaming me about his feelings and, after I collapsed, he said the ropes where just coincidence, he was just putting it in the garbage. He threatened suicide by 7 years, but the ropes crossed all my personal and psychological boundaries. I can't deal with it anymore, I can't be responsible for another person's life. I'm afraid of what he can do now and makes no difference asking his family for help. They are so used to his threats that they treat me as I was the one who is overreacting. This type of interview is really liberating and helps me knowing that this situation is really dificult and I'm not crazy or insensitive.
Hi! You are NOT responsible for someone else's life. Please journal every day so that you can keep a record of your conversations with him. I understand how scary and traumatizing it can be for you, but hold on. Confide into someone trustworthy about what he has been saying to you so that they can speak up for you if required.
Get away from him.
I dated a man with both disorders. And yes it is possible as recently have confirmed with professionals. It lasted 1 year and let me tell you that is frustrating to be with someone that seems not to know who they are and what they want as well as the lack of empathy and just use you for their personal gain. I'm free from this for 3 years. What a relief.
I feel like I know someone who is both too.
Like, they will never ever admit that their core behaviors are wrong, they have such a high and mighty opinion about all their opinions, but they will pretend to take blame if they think it will suck me back, and have self harmed in the past.
It feels like both, and the worst of both too.
OMG HE DRIVES ME INSAAAAAANE IN HOW MUCH HE INTERRUPTS HER!!!! GEEZ! Can someone from his production PLEEEEEASE tell him to STOP!!! 🙄🙄🙄
and wats wrong with that?
Super annoying. Why can’t they find another interviewer?
And that damn music that comes in more than a minute before the interview ends.
ikr, and he didn't even have the decency to switch his mobile phone off at 09:59.
He rude
Thank you so much for this video! I have BPD & my husband is a Narcissist. Dr. Ramani is my favorite psychologist on RUclips. I love her demeanor, voice and she is extremely knowledgeable and intelligent.
My mom has bpd, and even though i love her, i'd say people like her should have mandatory therapy when they have kids. My childhood would've been so different, and i probably wouldn't be suffering from bpd now myself. She caused my CPTSD, and i'd say sometimes taking custody of one's children might be the right call.
Same here! My mom is getting therapy now, and she is doing so good. I would never have known it would be so effective. I will admit she has it pretty mildly, but if she would have gotten therapy earlier I would have so much more self confidence.
I have BPD and for this reason I will never have children. I am so sorry that you have CPTSD.
Do you mind explaining what she did to you or what she didn't do for you growing up ?
Amen. My mother-in-law is most likely an undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and she is married to what I think is an undiagnosed narcissist. Keep in mind I am not a doctor and cannot officially diagnose, but after 14 years of enduring the abuse, I consider myself a decent expert. Not to mention I have also had some psych professionals who had contact with her tell me their unofficial diagnoses as well. The major issue with her was the withholding love when someone did something she did not agree with, as well as going into rages and acting like an infant if she felt she was going to be abandoned or things were not going her way. Just moving boxes that contained only my belongings out of her house caused her to go on a psychotic rampage for 12 hours. We had to be rescued from the house by hospice workers. She tried to tell me I was crazy because I have five therapists and don't know myself. I only have one therapist in each city I've lived in. I think she was really talking about herself, and in all my work performance reviews, I have always been told I have a great sense of self-awareness. She does only see a therapist when she thinks the world is being mean to her, as the doctor on here said. Watching these videos is actually helping me to understand her better, and I would have placed a lot less blame (as would my late husband) on myself if I had known any of this 14 years ago. Of course, I was only 23 then and had no idea what I was getting myself into marrying into this family. i hope these videos can help me to heal and forgive.
I was raised by my abusive BPD mother after my dad suddenly came out as a transexual which destroyed their marriage. I'm so fucked up. I could write entire books about it all.
Struggling as an empath to detach trauma bonds from my abusive bpd boyfriend. As a fixer and as someone with deep understanding and empathy for him, I feel stuck. I can't just stop caring, I don't know how.
As an empath. I feel you. My fiance is a narcissist. It is traumatizing for me. I am also stucked. Bcs he dont feel nothing wrong with his behaviour pattern them blameshift on me. He feels perfect. It makes me question my whole existence bcs i feel things deeply. N he is very superficial. He said he loves me but cant show me. N i dont feel it. 😭
I have BPD , RUN because i too help people heal day and night I’m a channeler etc it’s easy tho because as BPD I play a different people pleaser role all day just depending who I’m around and I can tell u right now yes we feel love and what not and are actually terrified of being abandoned and because we read you so well we know how to simulate what you would consider empathy and feelings. The way I became a better person and used BPD to my advantage for the good is I accepted the fact that I was this way due to sever childhood trauma being raised by narcissist and dating narcissist so I’ve decided to stop people pleasing and let go of expectations and stop trying control every aspect of my life. It’s extremely freeing. But you have to understand we are this way because they stole our sense of self worth and one day we gave up our identity we were trying to create and collapsed and decided we are never enough so might as well just be whatever role you assign me then there’s no chance to being rejected. So once we regain our self worth and power we’ll we become a bit narcissist because NO ONE will get in the way of me creating my OWN personality! 😂 sorry but that’s how extra overprotective we become and then finally after some time we find a balance. And unfortunately have the underlying issue still BUT have learned to acknowledge it as a trigger and not a personality then you start to feel your triggers and work through them then finally one day you learn to simmer the triggers and find balance and peace. But it’s a journey one must do alone or with someone they have zero affection for. Because we won’t feel the need for their approval. Once he has healed then he will run to u remembering what you opened him up to🥰 love and light. And keep him away from narcissist we feed off of eachother I did for 6 years.
Same. It’s maddening. I love him but it’s one toxic relationship. He pulls me in and then tells me he hates me. It’s so painful .
Pray, seriously. Miracles happen. 🐾😎
I used to relate to that too with a BPD ex who was abusive.
My sister has BPD and her ex-boyfriend and father of her child has NPD. It is literally exactly how you described. My sister, however, has worked very hard on herself emotionally and mentally over the past few years. Becoming a mother has helped her grow in ways I didn’t think possible. She has been so strong and I have admired her growth so much. She does still rage sometimes and she does still have her “BPD moments“ but, compared to even a few years ago she has made tremendous progress and working on herself and her BPD tendencies.
That is what has been so heartbreaking to watch as she and her ex-boyfriend‘s relationship fell apart. He would accuse her of things that she had worked so hard not to do. Instead of encouraging her and praising her efforts he simply criticized her more. The abuse that she has endured over the past few years has really done a number on her.
At first, just like you said, my sister fought back and would defend herself. After a while though, she was too broken down and would admit to things she didn’t even do and accept the terrible things he was saying as true- even when they were very far it.
Some thing I noticed though, when they were in couples therapy, was that both of them would come away from the therapy session thinking that the therapist had said something completely opposite of what the other person thought was said. They would both come away from it thinking the therapist had said the other person was in the wrong. Neither of them ever had anything to say about what the therapist may have told them they should work on personally.
My sister did eventually get into therapy on her own though. She also worked really hard on her self and listened to what the therapist said.
My sister does still get irritated with me and has a little outburst of anger here and there where her first instinct is to blame, but she always catches herself and apologizes right away. It’s a far cry from her behavior several years ago when she would yell and scream and rage and throw things. The only person who has been able to cause that kind of reaction with her was her NPD ex-boyfriend. And from what I have witnessed myself, as well as what I have heard from her, he was almost trying to make her do those things so that he could point the finger and call her crazy.
So there’s definitely hope for those with BPD. Not sure about NPD though. It sounds like that one is much less hopeful.
Dr ramani saved me from a terrible friendship. ❤️
This has been one of my big questions, the difference between NPD and BPD. So many great points in this interview, the difference between their identities appears to be a telling one: NPD "I know exactly who I am, how dare you tell me I'm not the best!" and BPD "I don't know who I am, please don't abandon me!" Lots of information in a short video.
julia elder,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌹,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
I have npd and I'm in therapy, my gf has bpd and has been in therapy for years. We've been together for almost 4 years, known each other about 7 years.
How would you describe your relationship?
thats great, kudos to both of you for taking care of yourselves.
As someone having BPD traits and in therapy, this starts to make sense more and more. thank you for sharing information on the topic, i appreciate it.
I spent 16 years with someone who has BPD. It was an ordeal I can’t even fully describe. The amount of emotional pain and suffering I endured has really made me a wreck.
Did they try to get help?
They have tried at times
I’m borderline and I have great empathy.
I do too. My therapist said because of my BPD I am very much an empath. She says,"Your feelings are VERY BIG". I am so much more in control of my feelings because of DBP.
@What i want? I have no idea how you interpreted what I said to mean "emotionally unstable and immature". I'm out. LOL Good luck to you.
@@paulanorton9128 I’m the same. I think knowledge on BPD is growing all the time. In our group therapy we talked about the stigma. The idea that people with BPD don’t feel empathy is false. We often feel too much empathy. We can be so empathetic that we merge with people and change for them and are bad with boundaries. A lot of us became this way through childhood trauma. I believe BPD comes from a child that seeks to deal with trauma by making excuses for the treatment and by trying to feel pity and compassion for those that hurt them. We put ourselves aside and stop becoming who we were meant to be. We just want to appease others to be safe.
Ramani rocks!
Despite the overlap between NPD and BPD, I strongly and firmly believe from my own observation, that a person can have both.
Like it or not cus I had to and accept it.Impossible to be an empath if you have BPD .When people properly understand BPD they will understand that these sufferers do have an element more of narcissicty in them more than empathy.If you have BPD and say you are narcissistic then you either don't have BPD or you don't understand bpd
Absolutely can be comorbid
@@clarewillmoth1045 What the hell are you even trying to say, Short Bus?
@@clarewillmoth1045 you have no clue what your talking about... clearly... People with BPD can have too much empathy for others. It's literally a problem. Your thinking about narcissists. Npd is a spectrum, if you dont have any empathy... your not bpd. Stop mislabling people as non empathetic. Its inaccurate. Creates even more stigma. And is just plain rude.
@@Forester-Runs I've every clue what I'm talking about..It sounds to me like you have very good knowledge and personal experience from your posts of narcissity if anything