The Difference Between Holding a Grudge and Setting a Boundary
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- Опубликовано: 3 янв 2022
- What’s the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don’t understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge is always a bad thing.
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#grudges #boundaries #relationships 
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A grudge is when you still want to hurt someone. A boundary is when you refuse to let them hurt you.
Yes! I used to give back pain then set boundaries! I alesy felt so good inflicted pain in other purposely after their hurt me. I will do to you what you do to me that where I was now. I'm more mature. Boundaries and F** U.
🙌🏽🙏🏾🙏🏾💛
I get what Loni is saying. You should definitely try to forgive so that you aren’t harboring bitterness, anger, etc. but, forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation! You can forgive someone and move on in life.
But what was the hole point of what the other ladies was saying. Loni was so focused on forgiveness, sounds like she don't even know what it is. Cuz what she was describing was forgiveness. Letting go of the bitterness.
@Roc oooo yes!!! The worst lol
'Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation' AMEN👏🏼👏🏼
"You should definitely try to forgive..."
You should definitely NOT tell other people what YOU THINK THEY "should" (*or shouldn't*) do!
Everything in the world ISN'T forgivable! And people really NEED to recognize, acknowledge and accept that!
I'm NOT required, obligated nor mandated to forgive ANYONE, NOT a single soul, whom I KNOW AND FEEL have done me wrong!!!
Exactly!! Which is why i prefer forgive and move on than forgive and forget! To literally forget is not really wise imo
Adrienne’s dress and thigh high boot combo is EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGG
Is it the dress from Jeannie’s collection? It looks like it
People don't realize that "sitting down/talking it out" takes effort and energy. And, YOU ain't entitled to MY energy! I ain't got to give it to you. Call it what you wanna.
I have that issue with my family. I have a certain someone that treated me horrible to the point of abuse. I'm told I hold grudges. I don't consider it a grudge, I consider it a memory. I remember how they treated me, how i felt and how they didn't change. I'm not hateful, or wish any ill will BUT i will not forget it
I look at it this way. I'm allowed to distance myself from people who've did me wrong. I take all of my negative experiences as lessons and I learn from them. In the past I would forgive these ppl(which wasn't the problem) but would still keep them in my circle. That just showed them that they could still mistreat me and I wouldn't do anything about it. So now I don't hate them, I just know not to trust those individuals b/c of what they've shown me.
💯 💯 💯
👏🏽👏🏽💯💯👏🏽👏🏽
Very well said. Boundaries can be so necessary for someone’s wellbeing.
*Boundaries give you respect. I was pretty much Miss People Pleaser in my early 20s, just let ppl use my giving nature until I was tired of it. I'm in my 30s & the quantity of friends have decreased but, the quality has increased. I noticed that people who want 2 use you, are the only ones who have a problem with boundaries and yes this includes your parents.*
No grudge set your boundaries, that's what I'm doing right now. I'm moving on and I don't have any ill feelings I'm simply just done with the people I'm done with!
Same... exactly where I am!
Everything agreed
I hate how when you hold a bunch of people think you have I’ll feelings and you’re angry. No I just don’t want your energy around me. It’s gaslighting and annoyingggg
@@KL-nw9mi exactly, it's not beef I'm just not on your vibe. I'm not feeling the energy kind of simple to understand also.
Lamar Johnson exactly
My sister has always been a monster to me. She’s treated me horribly and I finally found out that our mom wasn’t the nicest to her so she just took her frustrations out on me. It maybe me empathize with her and it allowed me to forgive her without her even having to apologize
Your comment spoke to me. The difference with my sister and I is that she keeps justifying her abuse against me and doesnt take accountability for the negative repurcussions of her actions. She is toxic and i have removed her from my life as much as possible given that we live in the same household. Still, she reminds me everyday through sly jabs and inadvertent criticisms why we cannot be family.
@@RR-xm9iu I absolutely hear you. My sister does the same and I just feel bad for her because she's clearly still hurting. I decided to no longer nurture our relationship as well. We are both in our 30s and live in different states so it is way easier. Are you in therapy by chance? My therapist has really helped me to remain strong in my boundaries.
Garcelle: "No" 😑
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
That was HILARIOUS 😂👏🏾
Garcelle looks so good...I love her hair like that. She looks like a 90s model.
Loni "..you forgive... it's for you"...that part cracked me up xD lololol
Standing ovation, Adrienne!!! I'm so dealing with this type of person rn! I aint holding a grudge, but I need certain boundaries! For my own peace of mind!
Boundaries are put in place because I still want you in my life. If you can’t respect that, I agree with Ad. You’re toxic.
I recently set a boundary with a friend of 20+ years. It wasn’t received well. No hard feelings. But I have to remove myself from the friendship. 🤷🏾♀️
*Same I just did the same, I was tired of being her friend/cheerleader but, when it came to me crickets. Wishing you strength because, it was hard for me because of our history.*
@@ClaireHaire it’s really hard. I know it hurts for you to feel that way in a any relationship. Im glad you’re not in that situation anymore. Thank you. It’s been rough.
And they probably thought that you weren't serious bc yall had been friends that long smh
This is literally a piece of my life right now. I particularly Love Lonnie’s raw stance on it. Not that it opposed Adrienne’s, but it just shed a light on a new perspective. Both stand true both work for the betterment of the human. I’m obsessed. Keep shining ladies.
They didn't spend much time on it, but A's point about being able to find empathy for the people who've wronged you is sooo important! A lot of the time, reconciliation just isn't an option, and, first and foremost, you need to be able to find that closure on your own. I don't even think it necessarily needs to lead to forgiveness on your part, but that *understanding* and the resulting growth is crucial for your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
I missed you guys !
I do exactly what Adrienne mentioned. Finding empathy for your accusers/opposers/abusers help with forgiveness. Seeing it from a different angle while maintaining your own not only keep you accountable for your own actions but also have a broader perspective of the situation and life/human nature in general
Adrienne lol “I feel bad for you” lol 😂
Lmao was Adrienne speaking from personal experience because she was on FIRE 😂. I think SOMETIMES boundaries are euphemisms for people who don’t know how to communicate. They’ll say “oh I’m setting a boundary but you can never come over to my house ever again”. It’s a fine line. I’m on one side or the other. I either mess with you or I keep my absolute distance and check in. I can’t be halfway.
People who don't know how to communicate don't even know enough to say "I'm setting a boundary." They only keep their absolute distance because they don't have the tools to "be halfway." Unfortunately, that luxury isn't particularly ideal. I worked with someone I detested. I told my manager after one of our several conflicts not to put me on the schedule with that person. He said that wasn't an option because we both were two of his strongest workers. According to your theory, if I couldn't be halfway, the only choice I had was to quit. WRONG! That person was not worth losing MY check over. So I had to set a boundary. If we were on the schedule together, I communicated with that person about work matters ONLY. Things flowed very well. So much so that, months later, they invited me to go to the beach with them after work. I politely said no and kept it moving. I didn't have to inform them of my boundary but I stayed true to it without creating any (additional) conflict by setting the precedent that I'll decline any off-the-clock interactions with that person. Sometimes, no matter how black/white, hot/cold we pride ourselves on being, life doesn't afford us the opportunity to not be "halfway." We have to coexist and setting boundaries helps facilitate that need.
What I've learnt about myself last year is that when I am done with someone I am done for good(family included)That is the reason why I felt awkward when that "friend" came back to my house or even sit next to me at a birthday party. Thank you Loni for giving us a new perspective and allowing people to forgive WITHOUT RECONCILIATION. ❤
The Real is at its peak and I love it
Garcelle: *straight face* NO
Lmao 🤣
I agree. You do not have to keep forgiving people for the bullshit that they do to you. If you keep forgiving then they're going to keep messing you over
That’s where boundaries come in. Forgiveness is for you.
@@SuckerPunch92 No. Forgiveness is not for you. That's B.S. like Loni said. So many people "forgive" and are still not free. You don not have to forgive. You can make peace with the situation and move on.
@@kisha4040 1. Being free is choice. If someone isn’t free again, that’s on them not anyone else. That’s why forgiveness is for you.
2. You completely brushed over my second part. Boundaries are important. If YOU let someone to keep messing you over that’s on you, again.
Self awareness is important especially in those situations. You are treated the way you allow people to treat you.
I forgive you but I’m done done, that’s not holding a grudge that’s boundaries. To me a grudge is when someone is mad at you for no reason. They’re blaming you for something you didn’t even do and they’re too prideful to admit it. So, they hold a grudge as an accuse to not admit their wrongs. Or even if you did do something wrong. If I’m saying sorry and you’re choosing to hold a grudge that’s on you. And I agree with Adrienne sometimes I’m like damn, you messed up lol.
Holding a grudge is being mad long after the initial conflict has past.
@@nathan-sb5iw yeah that too
I think a grudge goes hand in hand with feelingS of revenge wanting to get back, defend or fight.
Great Topic 👍🏼 I agree with Adrienne, “You lost me in your life I feel bad for you” 🙌🏼🙌🏼 Also, I believe in communication first but with communication should come change. Sometimes communication doesn’t change anything and if you keep running into the same problems it’s best to set boundaries at some point... Btw The Real has been on point this season with different conversations. 👏🏼👏🏼
I agree with that quote too.
If you get angry everytime you see them out and about or they're mentioned, that's something you need to work through for your own peace. But there is no need to forgive
Very interesting topic. I am totally with Adrienne on this, I choose to 'feel bad' (I call it feel sorry) for people who are toxic or mean because I empathise there is a lack of emotional intelligence. This helps me not to be angry with them as that anger can fester. So I choose to feel bad or sorry for them, set my boundaries, and wish them all the best...from a distance!
I am a person that If u cross me… I’ll do two things 1st I’ll either forgive you but set a boundary of letting you know that like hey just cuz I forgive you doesn’t mean we’ll go back to how things are within our friendship ! You have to earn my trust back before I can ever feel close to u or feel worthy of being trustworthy in my eyes ! 2nd I’ll just cut you off cuz I have no time for empty apologies to not turn into action that allows growth amongst a friendship especially cuz it takes two to tango ! So I’ll forgive the apology that I know is not coming… be honest with the person about not really wanting to be on their space and move on ! I’m not about to resent somebody and be bitter for months and years cuz somebody decided not to apologize or not be a good friend to me!
This was therapeutic Cus I was berated by someone today for not wanting romantic relationship w someone who did me wrong. Im not even mad we just don’t need to deal w them. I hate peoples pushing your boundaries and gaslighting you into thinking that’s bad
I agree. I had a situation like this months ago. I decided I can no longer allow you in my life anymore. She would speak to me like because I wasn’t at her level at had no value ( and this wasn’t the first time either! ) So I said look I’m sorry, I have love for you ( bc we’ve been friends since we were babies) but I have to respect myself, know my worth and no longer allow this. I have no issue with saying hi to her if I see her in public either but other than that. No more .
Yes. Agreed. Sometimes people don't understand boundaries or they just will never see your point of view. And that's okay, but you have the right to move away from them or stop hanging out with them because, they have crossed the line. Never wish ill on anyone but it's okay to keep your distance for your own mental health and your own growth.
True ladies...so true....Loni, a word.... exactly 💯...You ladies are on point
This came in my feed just in time. I needed this conversation! You ladies look beautiful 🤩
Sometimes we forget unforgiveness and grudges actually HURT us waaaayyyy more than the other person.
This title is so true! These type of people definitly exist.
If you're explaining your decisions and your boundaries to someone you're already losing. Close the chapter and move on.
Love you girls Xmas break was hard without yall.. Especially with covid I saw repeats
Happy New year to you ladies and your families 🙌🏼🤗😊
I feel like thats pretty common in the workplace. Ive learned the hard way with trusting coworkers too much to end up stabbing me in the back. But its my job, and i like my job, so im not gonna cause a scene. Im just gonna keep to myself and act professional, civil and still act like a team player, but im not sharing anything with u about personal stuff.
I remember watching something and it was along the lines of, when you were a child, you did something and gained a scratch which became a scar, in that moment, the physical pain was unbearable. Now when you look at that scar, you don’t don’t wince in pain but you remember the situation and the lesson learnt. Forgiving and forgetting is like that. You don’t wince at the pain they caused u cause it’s no longer and is forgotten(in that sense) but the scar remains as a reminder of the lesson u learnt and should always remember. I’ve always applied that lesson to relationships of all kinds.
When you forgeeeev!!! Loni, you kill me!!!
Great topic and insights but short.
Not Adrienne preaching out here, speak on it, mama!
Problem is when people don't see that you are just being civil but not friendly. The you have to make it plain and simple that we ain't friends no more. That's when I get told im a bad person.
I'm like Adrienne
I love this topic I feel this so strong !!! Bc ppl always be like that’s your family you should forgive xyz um no if they are family they wouldn’t do it family is what you create not who your related to
Jeannie would have added a great piece to that great convo!!
No grudges and forgive. I'm working on this. Letting go is freeing ❤
Great topic. I agree with Garcelle and Adrienne. I am now really big on setting boundaries. I disagree with Loni, holding a grudge is never a good idea. I am civil to a lot of former friends, but they are former for a reason. If I allow them back into my life the reason we ended our connection ALWAYS comes up again. It's best to remain civil and kep them at a distance
Totally with with A and G! But also understand where loni is coming from! When I am done...I am done! No hate or grudge...but want u OUT of my life ... totally!
@@janeking4059 Jane, Loni says it is good to hold a grudge. As the old adage goes *"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"* A grudge by definition means you are hanging onto feelings.
@@Chaptersaudio Just because you hold a grudge does not make you bitter. You can still live your best life while holding grudges. Trust me. You can.
@@kisha4040 Of course you can, I didn't say you couldn't. However, holding a grudge against "a person" causes negativity. Negativity is not healthy for your psyche.
@Belinda Joy There are plenty of grudge holders living their best lives. It's not as bad as you're making it out to be
I love Garcelle outfit
Loni is looking gorgeous
Adrienne!!!!!! Yes shes been speaking from my perspective a lot lately. Everyone has good responses though but her…… it’s never a sallow moment. She thinks from the core. It’s surprising bc she’s a water sign and usually it’s emotion over logic for then. ie Cancers but great convo ladies 🥰
Completely agree with everything they all said 👏
Thanks for the dialog. I am injuired, sorrow, and hurt by different people that I love. I learned now, they should feel bad to lose me. 😢
Set your boundaries and keep the people who you love and who love you back close to you! Too many fake friends and fake people. I don’t have hate you or resent you. But I don’t want you in my life! Amen!
2021 I worked on setting boundaries for the first time in my liiiiife. Shocking how few people respect it. And that’s exactly what they said. I’m holding a grudge. No.
People can Say “ I hold Grudges “ and IDGAF ! If I don’t F*ck with you because of YOUR actions then I don’t, Yes you can apologize and I’ll accept it , but for my Well-being… Nah Baby ✌🏽 !
I'm with Adrienne on this one
Hi Adrienne , you look amazing! I need to know what lip liner is thaaat!
Can you talk about keeping a secret but someone is being noisy and throw you under the bus?
OMG YESSS. Anything to put someone business out there without getting they hands dirty
The only thing I can think about watching this is Cardi B saying I wish you well in hell😂
Outfits .... Winning !!
Just let it go!!
Don't let some else cause us to be bitter.
just live your own life.
People want others to stay. the same.
we have to move on, when people hurt us.
grudges are toxic but we don't have to allow people to mistreat us.
I can hold a grudge bc sometimes the things people have done is so hurtful. I can definitely forgive them but still hold a grudge bc they never came to me and apologized.
Gm edagdwg thanks for sharing this story of what happens when you don't let people take advtage of you pay attention to what people do and say to you talk to them if they don't change leave them alone linda j peace
I understand sometimes boundaries are necessary but I do not agree always. I believe people make mistakes and can change / grow. Nobody is perfect. I think we need to be more forgiving and hopeful for positive change in one another!
Unpopular opinion: forgiveness is overrated 🤷🏾♀️I just don’t believe everyone who did me bad I have to forgive them. Some I did , some I can’t. Don’t wish ill will on nobody, I just don’t care lol
You can forgive someone and not reconcile that relationship.
@@SuckerPunch92 didn’t say that. Just something are not forgivable to me. Only speaking for myself.
@@2centsfreelancer You didn’t. I never said you did. I look at it like we’re all flawed and done something we aren’t proud of. So does everyone deserve a place in our livestock no? But forgiveness is not allowing a person to live rent free in your heart/head.
💯 I never really understood the whole forgive for yourself, I just detach emotionally. Mentally you just become a regular stranger to me and get that same basic civil respectas everyone else. Its like what you say or do to me doesn't hurt me cause I genuinely don't care enough about you as an individual.
@@arnitaxavier9446 facts
As usual... I'm with Ade lol
I cut off a ex friend 2009 n he still wanted to come back n when he saw it wasnt happening his toxic vibe manifested
Loni said you goin deep😂
Ade is definitely sending msg to somebody out there. 🤣🙈🤣🤣🤣
Lol I can do both and keep it moving I don’t have to forgive or forget haha next exactly be respectful and keep it classy and grown
Instantly made me think of the feud between Christine and Chrishell in Selling Sunset. Christine thinks Chrishell is holding a grudge when actually she's setting boundaries
Everything in the world ISN'T forgivable! And people really NEED to recognize, acknowledge and accept that!
I'm NOT required, obligated nor mandated to forgive ANYONE, NOT a single soul, whom I KNOW AND FEEL have done me wrong!!!
P.B.P. (POINT, BLANK, PERIOD!)
Edit:
I agree with Loni 100%! 💯 (1:43)
"Sometimes in life, you can't talk it out!"
Everything doesn't, shouldn't and CAN'T be "talked out"!!!
They DID make it sound like holding a grudge was "wrong" and its NOT!
Its 100% PROTECTION!
Its 100% A REMINDER!
Its 100% WISDOM!
Adrianne was also 100% on point (0:50); the fact that I had to create boundaries in the first place for whatever reasons that I have and then I explain to you why I created said boundaries (*which I shouldn't have to do to begin with because you're NOT entitled to an explanation!*) and YOU have a problem with that....you're a toxic person!
Yesssss Loni
Word!!
Sounds to me like Loni missed what forgiveness means. Alot of us were taught that when you forgive your no longer upset and that isn't true at all. Forgiveness is not an emotion it's an action. To forgive someone you release yourself of the bitterness, hate, and ill will you have towards a person. Which is why they say forgiveness is for you. You can forgive and still not like the person and have no desire to have a relationship with them, but you no longer harbor on those toxic feelings you once had for them. It takes a strong person to forgive.
Garcelle gives the most hilarious short answers. It kills me all the time.
She’s such a great addition to the show
Garcelle is such a Sagittarius and I love it.
I have so many grudges against the fools who crossed me! Ever since 2020, I’m so bitter that I want to make sure EVERY enemy I have feels my pain. When Kobe Bryant and Chadwick Boseman died in the cursed 2020, I blamed the jerks for their deaths! Those two men are my idols, and now they’re gone.😢😡😤
Please invite Nedra Tawwab, she has such profound insight on this topic. She’s my therapist and doesn’t even know it 😆
I lost my mother, sister and brother to domestic violence because of my father… so no I can’t get over that. I just deal with it the best way I can. And live my life how my mother would want me to live. But he’s still breathing and thinks he did everything right because he’s breathing. He never worked. He used us for money from the government. My childhood was horrible. But God saved me.
Yes I had to do this with some of my family members because I’m trying to do better for me and they are not…
Welcome Back Garcelle, Welcome Back.
I don’t ever hold grudges. I will never give another person the power over my emotions living rent free in my head. Whatever you did to me was either Karma or a lesson but either way it won’t make nor break me
I get Loni but she's basically talking about boundaries 🤣🤦🏾♀️
I love Adrienne
Letting go and setting boundaries does not require anyone else's permission. Can not Keep people accountable for what they're not willing to do unless family member. I believe as hard as this may sound holding a grudge is holding oneself prisoner due to unrealistic expectation
Even if youd like to talk it out some people hold on to grudges like its their last breath of air, i feel sorry for those people
Adrienne needs to share the story haha
You lost me in your life, I feel bad for you . 💥
im with Adrien when she said "you lost me in your life...i feel bad fo you" tis a true tin me frend
Does anyone know what hair Garcelle has? It’s
so beautiful!
I miss you ladies 😁🤗😊
Something has happened to me in 2022 but I agree with Loni 😀
It's Garcelle looking like money for me
Adrinne is reminding me more and more of Jeannie season 1-3 ... and idk if that's a good thing or not lol
Funny because I set a boundary now the person has a grudge against me now. I no longer loose sleep over that situation.
Loni, you can set boundaries without holding grudges.