Often times women who choose not to have children are shamed by society and deemed most of all as “selfish”. I completely disagree. I think it’s selfish when people are procreating irresponsibly with the wrong partners. I think it’s selfish when the children then have to live with the trauma that comes with that. I also think it’s selfish to have multiple children when you can’t take care of them. It’s not selfish to know yourself at the time, and make an informed decision that can change in the future when you feel differently. This was great Shan, your honesty is unprecedented.
I don't have children and I'm not sure I want any because it looks really, really hard and thankless. If that makes me selfish and I don't have any, then isn't it great that I self-identified as selfish and didn't have children? People who don't want children and don't have them sounds like a win-win to me.
Wow your comment is eye opening. I always thought having children was the most selfless thing ever. The most responsibility most people could ever put on themselves.
It’s so crazy that 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy like your 30s is when most people get to together to the point where they can provide for a child financially emotionally and spiritually.
@@alexb8399 I think it depends individually on how healthy a person is (pregnancy can be dangerous). Biological age is not necessarily the same as calendar age. People age at different rates due to lifestyle and genetics. But if someone is healthy and happy then absolutely. Look at Shan (case in point) she looks amazing!
This is my biggest fear with having kids. I’m the oldest in a single parent household of 6 kids and watching my mother repetitively choose the wrong partner has really made be second guess having kids at all. You really don’t know a person until you do..
I feel like the reason I don't want kids is because I hadn't seen anybody with kids being cool parents, who handled things well and still managed to maintain their identity. My experience has been seeing women become mothers with no identity of their own, complain all day about their useless husbands, and become so boring, and do nothing but complain about their kids. I think 2020 has been such an interesting year because all of the youtubers I watch and admire got pregnant: Shan, Melanie Murphy, Rose and Rosie. It reminds me that I could be a cool parents, remain the person I am, and find reliable and consistent love.
This 100% I never saw becoming a mother as appealing based on what I saw growing up. Thanks to RUclips, I've had insight into these new parents' lives and it's something I now want to experience for myself someday
My stance is, I don't want BIOLOGICAL children. I'm more than comfortable with being a great aunt, step-mom and/or community mentor. I'm even open to possibly adopting/fostering. But I'm choosing not to physically have any children for my own personal reasons.
I want to adopt as well. I’m not opposed to giving birth but I have PCOS which can cause infertility so if it happens it happens but I still would like to adopt.
@Jenny Thank you 🖤. I am so happy to know your health is improving. Pregnancy and childbirth puts our bodies through so much [it truly is an underrated experience] that I can understand and respect your decision. 😘😘😘
I don’t want to birth any because of the physical pain, Financial strain and loss of freedom. I am enjoying being the Auntie that can spoil her nieces and nephews ❤️✨
Honestly being an aunty or uncle is amazing like yeah they get to be cute around me but then they throw up or sh"t all over the place and I can just fling them to the mum or dad and that's honestly amazing
My idea of wanting kids changed from HELL NO to “I’d do this with the right guy” when I felt very loved and that I could see myself with this one guy a few years back. Even though that ended, it shifted my idea of potential parenthood sooo much. So definitely relatable.
I don’t want kids... and I don’t know what else to say about it. I just don’t want one. I’ve never had the desire to. Never envisioned my future with children. 🤷🏻♀️
I really wish that age didn’t affect conceiving a child and that women could have children at any age without having to worry about the risk that come with having children the longer you wait. Women are so much more independent these days and the years we spend getting our lives and careers in order is when our fertility is at its peak. It’s like we’re in direct conflict with our own biology. 😓
I'm 33 about to be 34 and I don't even have a man yet 🤷🏽♀️ I'm still not rushing the experience. Everything doesn't have to be perfect but it has to be right.
@Abc C Nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but most women nowadays have incredible careers. I wouldn't generalize and say women prefer to stay at home while the man is the bread winner.
I am a 36 year old mother of 5 and honestly I wish I would've waited. The loss of self has been so real especially because it's been so one sided. I always knew I wanted to be a mom but I was not in the right head space when it happened and I don't think I've regained my footing. I'm learning to embrace the pieces of who I am aside from being someone's mom though it is a huge challenge most times. I fully commend you Shan, as well as any other birthing person/parent who is self aware enough to be able to recognize the importance of maintaining that sense of self and how vital that is to true happiness and how much that can improve the experience of raising a child and therefore improve that child's life.
This is very honest & raw ❤️ I really appreciate when parents speak openly about what it truly means to be a parent, how they feel, how they’ve changed, not just the rainbows & unicorns.... the messy parts of parenthood as well. Thank you for sharing.
Fully agree with what Lonna said above, thank you so much for your honesty ♥️ sending you so much love and light, friend. You're doing something so incredible in this role if nurturer, I really hope that you find the space to nurture yourself more.
I wish you were my mom. I love my mom but she doesn't have "honey" my whole life she just seemed so stressed and disconnected, I never see her enjoy life. And I love that excerpt you read, because she was so good at loving me as a baby and a child, but as an adult she wants me to need her and it puts a lot of strain on our relationship because I feel like she holds me back from being and independent adult, and she feels personally offended by me trying to spread my wings. I think I'm going to buy two copies of that book and read with her. Because my whole life I've been dying waiting for the day to have a baby, but I know I need to get to a place where you are in order to be a mother who can raise a child to truly be happy and love life.
Wow! You explained your situation so eloquently...even made me realize that I have similar older family members who act like that. I hope reading the book will help your mother see that you’re on your own life journey...and she should be happy in her own life too!
As hard as it is to say, my mum let having kids sap the life out of her. She went above and beyond to take care of everyone else and forgot to give to herself, pouring out of an empty cup. She’s a positive and optimistic person, but seeing her overwhelmed by stress, never getting a full nights sleep, and relying on coping mechanisms didn’t really inspire me to go out and enjoy life. If anything, she lived vicariously through me. I know for sure I won’t have kids until I reach the emotional maturity to take care of myself as well as others.
My mom was 39 when she had me (34 when she had my brother), I am now 22 and very happy to have "older" parents. I think you made a very wise decision to wait until the moment was right for both you and Jared! And for the record 34 is not even that old to have a child, at least from a swedish point of view!
I told my mom the dog 🐶was her grand child!🤣 Then at 39 I was newly married and was ready for the responsibility. Now I'm in love with a cute little 14 month old boy. A love like no other when you're a mother!🥰🥰
I’m 20 and the thought of having a child in the future seems that being a mother could potentially be my main/ biggest role in my life for me to play, feels like a burden to me
@Reina De corazones That is not true at all. Women are often shamed for not having children. Even at 22, I am shamed constantly for not wanting any. Women's feelings are dismissed with "Oh you'll change your mind." "You're being selfish." "You don't know love unless you have a child." "You have a uterus. You're meant to have children." Women have to fight to get sterilized!!! Society does in fact pressure women to have children.
@Reina De corazones Society does feed this idea into women's minds that they are meant to have children. They are shunned if they don't. If that isn't what you are talking about, then what are you talking about?
Witnessing a TERRIBLE relationship in childhood made me enjoy being single for a VERY long time and have no problem being single forever. But now that I have experienced relationships it makes me realize how nice it is to have someone else in your corner but it also takes hard work and it has to be something you are ready for. These days I am definitely on the fence about procreating (although I love kids) because I REFUSE to repeat the generational cycle!
If it’s something really important to you, maybe therapy could help you to feel like you’ve moved passed your own trauma to ensure you don’t pass it down?
Me 100% I could cry. and I didn't know how to articulate this before. Thank you. I'm on the way to my honey. If I didn't have this fear, I've realized I actually do want to be a mother.
I love that you shared this Shan! I don't want kids myself, and I wish that people would stop expecting motherhood out of me and judging me when their expectations are wrong. I frequently get comments that I'll change my mind, like you did, but I think others have to respect what people are saying when they say no. It irks me when people just disregard my own life choices as though I don't know myself, you know?
Kale, I totally totally understand how you feel. Ive never wanted kids all my life. Lots of people thought I would have changed my mind as well. And what ended up happening is that due to severe issues with my womb and ovaries, I had to remove them all this year at age 35. And many may feel sympathy for me but honestly I have never felt so happy in my life after being ill for many years. I am now embarking on a new journey, eating well, exercising because i finally have the strength to do these things again. Im manifesting that I will be writing a book about this experience to put people like urself at peace with the decision to chose to not have bio kids - whether voluntarily or otherwise - and have no regrets about their decision. I do believe that if i didnt have the surgery i still would have opted to not have kids so i understand totally how u feel. Side note- I admire Shan taking her time to decide what she wants to do, and i hope it gives people the encouragement to know that u can make the decision in your own timing, just like she did🙂 Congrats Shan, you’ll be a great mom and Jared a great dad, that baby is sooo blessed to have such woke parents who are self aware of everything that they do.
I have the same thing. Starting to feel a light pressure from my grandma especially to have kids it's very ennoying people are so conditioned by society
I can’t say enough what a profound video this is. Coming from a traditionalist African culture (not necessarily family) it’s hard to find people that can provide this kind of insight with such an empowering message. Empowering yourself means empowering your child. Thanks Shan.
I had my daughter at 19. I was no wear near ready but she helped me grow and become who I am today. And fortunately I think I did an pretty good job. I am now 40 finally married to my King and now trying to figure out my identity. I have always been a mom. And yes I am still a mom but who am I. What is my passion who am I outside of a wife, a mom, an employee. This has been the hardest transition for me. And this started when my daughter turned 16 and started driving each milestone for her was a scary realization that I didn't know who I was. My recommendation to any new mom. Is don't lose your identity, make sure to take time for yourself. Make sure to keep hobbies that are all yours, try not to lose your identity.
Wow I’m 24 now with a 6 and 3 year old I can relate so much to your comment. My daughter started kindergarten this year and I have mixed emotions about having more free time to now actually go out into the world and find a career etc. If you have any advice please help!
I feel like my boyfriend telling me I was sexy when I was pregnant and staying sexually active with him during my pregnancy really helped me stay confident and actually feel sexy with in myself. Now that I had my son a month ago (two on the 18th) having him continue to tell me he finds me sexy and loves my body regardless of what I may think about it helps ALOT with me still feeling good about myself and embracing my new and different beauty that I see when I look in the mirror. Having a baby shouldn’t make you feel less sexy because it’s a different sexy that you’re looking at. A new and improved grown sexy lol. I’m so excited for you to have your baby girl 🥰 I hope everything goes well for you and you have a beautiful experience ❤️
As a women we think we have to follow this timeline, I’m going to be 27 soon, Me and my partner are not financially ready right now & that’s one of the most important things to me. I think it’s beautiful that you’re having a baby at 34 & I know it might sound silly but it gives me a sense of relief. Like I have plenty of time
Tbh let me tell you this. You’re never going to be ready for kids . There’s a few people I know that waited to be financially stable and now they’re struggling to have one. Etc there’s always going to be something. Just know is a learn as you go type of things. Money is always gonna come and go etc .
Same! I turned 27 this week and it makes me feel as if my timeline is almost up (people around me are all having kids and it’s the last thing I want or need atm)
"Wanting to share your body, I didn't want to do that" DUDE!! Yes!! No one ever talks about that, the idea of being an incubator grosses me out unbelievably!! I am glad you mentioned that.
That not wanting to be “bonded to the wrong romantic partner” reason was so real. That has to be number one reason for me. Second is that I can’t even take care of myself properly so how can I care for someone else. Third is that I just want to be able to get up and go whenever I feel like it, how knows where we will end up.
I see a lot of this in myself. I’m 29 and this is the first year I’m making real money. I’m in grad school so I’m super busy and I’ve never had a healthy serious relationship. I learned late how to date because of church and I’m just figuring out who I am. Now that I’m starting to making decent money, the first thing I don’t want to spend it on is a child. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am; so many tears, regret, confusion, and pain that now I’m seeing my efforts pay off and I want to spend and invest it on myself. I’m really questioning if I want kids because I don’t know if I care to do what I would need to in order to raise a child, but there are moments I think I could. I really don’t know. I’m single so I’m thankful I don’t have to figure this out. Even meeting men now and they ask if I want kids I feel as though whoever answer I give is a lie because it’s not a certain truth. The conversation with myself is stressful.
start small to figure out whether you have what it takes to raise a child - get a puppy, then foster some child and if you think that you have what i takes to raise a child, then you can think about having your own or to adopt there’s of course no shame to decide you only want to be a foster parent or even only want to raise dogs i’d say that nurturing whoever gives a person more options how to live their lives than thinking they need to have their own kids
I feel like children don’t inherently cause anyone to lose their identity and sexual identity. Men have historically always been able to be fathers while still having their own identities and sexuality. I believe it’s actually sexism that causes those things. Children, in my opinion, aren’t inherently bad or damaging. I believe society has made it so difficult for women. I think many people (not saying this video is doing this) blame the children instead of the sexism.
Yea like a women with a couple of kids under her belt from a previous relationship is always considered "damaged goods" or "used up". Yet men can be out here fertilizing like a sprinkler with no losses to their sexual market value. Especially because there are no physical repercussions or downtime for them when they father kids. So women often feel like they are making an even larger sacrifice than just the discomfort and pain they endure.
Asha F. Except for the fact that the majority of men in the history of humankind didn’t even have children. You are simply cherry picking the high value men that women want to be impregnated by and ignoring the men who women want nothing to do with
Men ‘historically’ having a ‘career’ for the entire history of civilization has meant back-breaking labor to ensure his family didn’t starve to death. Is that what you want? Men working and women raising children is what made the most sense for the survival and reproduction of the species. It had nothing to do with sexism
@@etf42 I'm ok with that assertion. Who doesn't want a high value partner, even if it's in your own eyes? All I'm saying is that back then it may have been understood that men do the "hard" labour and women cater to house & home. However in present day both women and men are expected to be gainfully employed and in many cases that same employed women is expected to still carry the lion's share of homemaker and child rearing responsibilities. With the idea that if women wanna be 'independent and skillful' that's to be entered at their own risk. I've heard numerous times that new age women are "too independent" and act like they don't need any help; as if there was a choice in the matter. When men stopped carrying the weight you spoke of in your previous response, women had to step up to the plate in other ways. Except nothing has been removed from our plate, so now in many instances we shoulder everything PLUS having to pencil in family planning.
As a married woman with no kids, that is contemplating having some, you really truly made me feel better about feeling the exact same way about this issue. I too feared losing my individuality, my identity as a woman to be someones mom. There's no reason why these 2 traits or persona's cant co-exist. For some women, such as myself, they NEED to. Thanks Shan!
They honey part really resonated with me. I do not wish to have children (and luckily my partner feels the same way). I am dreading the day my family will need to be told this explicitly (still have some years to go before they will start asking) as I fear being labelled as egotistical for not wanting to devote my life to anyone else than my partner. I, however, feel that it is the opposite way around. It would be egotistical of me to bring a child into this world without the surplus of love and joy necessary to bring it up in the best possible way.
I'm 34 and I've essentially always known kids weren't for me. I realized in the 3rd grade when my male best friend said that we would get married when we're adults and have two bedrooms. I was like YES! Then he said one for us, one for the kids *record scratch* Say what??!! I knew then that that was not my ministry, and that feeling never changed. I married a man who already had a son for that reason. I adore my stepson but now that he's almost grown I KNOW that I'm done.
beautiful, thank you. it's very hard for me to imagine myself having children but i can see myself being with a man who has a child, or just being a great aunt, godmother etc. thank you thank you for this comment
I realized at a young age myself. My mom recently told me that as a teenager I pulled her in my room for a “serious talk” (I barely remember this). But I asked if she would be upset if I never had kids. She’s my biggest supporter (plus she has 5 grandkids already) so she was totally fine. It’s just be hard to stand in that decision when people keep trying to convince you that you’ll “snap out of it” one day.
I’ve been a parent since 2003 . I was 14 at the time my daughters mother was 13 , we were young , stupid , very horny for each other one night we just went for it and we got pregnant , . It was the hardest thing we’ve ever done , we had no money , we were still in school , and obviously still at home . My mom was a little more understanding she’s only 15 years older than me herself , Isabella’s father broke my nose ( although he paid for me to get it fixed straight away ) when we told him he probably would have killed me if her mother hadn’t of stepped in. But we made it through it’s both my hardest and proudest achievement to date , and I certainly wouldn’t advise going the route we did , she’s 16 now soon to be 17 and she’s my everything I couldn’t have imagined my life without her . I ended up with four children by the age of 22 . Twins Ava and Brea arrived in 2008 , followed by Marnie in 2011 , my fifth and probably final child another daughter was born in 2016 . My mom has three sisters , I have four sisters , my father was the only boy out of six children boys seem to be a rarity in our family . As it turns out I wouldn’t have it any other way apart from having Paris when we were ready and able to provide for her ourselves ( a good 8 years after we’d had her ) But everyone is different you hopefully do what is right for you and hopefully your partner is on the same page I’ve always pondered was it selfish to do what we did ( only now as I watch my eldest daughter become a young woman am I beginning to reconcile with some kind of an answer) All I can say to people I’d be absolutely sure that it’s what you want , because you’re life as you know it is irrevocably changed in ways you can’t possibly comprehend . I mean I still remember the look on Isabella’s face when first told me she was crying , shaking uncontrollably the terror in her eyes though that haunts me to this day , I lied and said everything was going to be ok , when I got home I physically threw up , can’t think of a time when I was more afraid. As a father of five , I understand that children aren’t for everyone , I don’t think you’re a terrible person or selfish if that is the path you choose. Conversely there are people around that see some people’s reasonings for having children as selfish unfortunately that is also true in some cases . But if you are truly happy and settled then why not ? There are no guarantees in life the only guarantee is change and the lack of certainty . Wishing you a happy and healthy bundle of joy in the near future , and many blessings to you and your family.
For me, i can see myself being a mother, I just don't want to have the kids. Pregnancy and labor and post part do not entice me and that's an experience that i don't want to put myself through. I would get a surrogate or adopt. But also, another part of me looks at my goals in life and what i need to feel fulfilled, and kids are nowhere on the list. So, i guess you could say that I am kind of in the middle when it comes to this topic.
Thank you for sharing this comment. I also don't wish to have a baby from my own body, and I have felt this way since I was little. I am very open to adoption or to not having children at all.
yes yes yes, exactly my thought. but i know pregnancy and birth will significantly decrease my chances of certain deadly disease which my family has a history of. it's wierd to think of in that way, but i do.
Don’t let other people’s experiences scare you! You have no idea what your birthing experience will be until you try it. And there are so many things you can research to ensure an easier labor
@@NJaiana I mean it could be okay, but certain aspects of it are inevitable. Some people such as myself have never been drawn to pregnancy. Its hard to explain, but the thought does not make me happy or excited.
I’m 27 going on 28, and feel like I would love to have a child one day. I’m single , so waiting for the right relationship and hopefully that will be a committed partnership (ideally marriage). I’m down to wait , but a part of me wishes that part of life would come sooner than later bc my parents are getting older. Would love to see them be involved in raising grandchildren
I feel the same pressure. At 31, I prefer to try to have kids later but my partners parents are 70 and 80 years old (they had my partner (33yo) when they where older themselves). IF we ended up having children, of course I would prefer their grandparents in their life. I'm feeling the pressure slightly.
I saw that emotion when you described looking into your child’s eyes and telling them that life is good and to now go live it for themselves.. I felt that Shan.. momma to momma
I’m still really young (23) and I’m not sure if I want to have a child mainly due to fear: 1. With me being a black woman, it’s very likely that I’ll die during child birth. 2. I fear that my partner will be loving and everything before and during the pregnancy but when I have the child, the stress will be too much for us and they’ll leave me behind. 3. That I’ll raise a child and not nurture and care for them enough and when they turn 16, they’ll look at me as the person who ‘fucked up’ trying to make a good person out of them. 4. I don’t want to lose my individuality. I want to go places and not be hounded with questions about my baby and my husband because while I’d still be dedicated to my child and partner, I am also strongly dedicated to my personal and professional self growth. Edit: I don’t mean to be an engery-buster. So I apologize in advance if it came off that way 😕
Just wanted to note that it’s not necessarily LIKELY that you’ll die but you are at a higher risk which is something that scares me too. What I’m telling myself is that all the women in my immediate family have made it out but it’s not really calming my nerves 😅
Being a mom myself, I will say it is SO admirable knowing that women put a lot of thought and decision making into it, because it is a HUGE decision, an enormous forever-changed life change. Best possible change for me in my life, my son is such a blessing. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging. So I love it when I see women and men actually sit and ponder with it rather than rushing into it because they feel they ‘need to’. It’s an important life decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. And likewise, women or men should never feel shamed for not wanting kids. I love Dr Shefalis approach to conscious parenting. She is so great! Anyways lol. I think you guys will make phenomenal parents & thank you for this video.
I’m in my mid 20s right now and still unsure as to whether I want to have children. I didn’t have the best upbringing which meant spending my early 20s healing my unresolved trauma and battling depression. I guess my main fear is f******* up someone else’s life, or even f****** my own by having a kid.
100% feel the same way. For me,my mother left me in middle school & I’ve always felt like I missed out on having that “mother figure” my therapist explained maybe you can be the mother you always needed to your own kids one day & that gives me some comfort❤️
Sis, are you Somali? Bc I feel the same way and I’m the same age range. Trying to reparent myself and unlearn harmful teachings/traumas. I know I want to be a mom inshaAllah but I want to get myself right first so I can have my child(ren) the best chance at life.
So true.. I'm 36 and For years I've said I don't want kids until a few days ago I wondered what it wud be like and find my self maybe wanting to change my mind. But then I snapped out of it quick because this world is so messed up and sick I wud worry constantly about my child. It truly is a corrupt world and I don't think it would be fair to bring a child up in this
Sometimes when you meet the right person the things you once said you'd never do or feel, you finally change your mind, and it's for the best often times.
I honestly wanted kids while i was growing up but when I got married I genuinely started questioning if I really want kids because everyone expects it from married women (especially in the African context). Everyone keeps telling me they are waiting for me to get pregnant and it’s honestly annoying. I think that’s what made me question having kids to begin with. I realized I am avoiding it because people keep throwing it down my throat.
I am 24. I was always on the fence about having kids, and leaned more towards not having kids. In 2019 I traveled out of the U.S. with my partner whom I've been with for 8 years where I saw and experienced a completely new love, familial love. I realized my reasons for not having kids was because I didn't have a childhood full of love nor did my parents (they are refugees who only experienced a traumatic childhood) and my parents were not emotionally available. They did not show love in the ways that I had seen other children experience love but needed so I was afraid of repeating that. I also never had a partner whom I loved and would trust with my life, let alone another beings life. But that trip changed my view and for once I started looking at the pros of having kids and not just the negative reasons. I had a void in my life for a long time that I was trying to fill with professional achievements but familal love was what I really needed and I've started reconnecting with and thinking about my family and parents differently. I know having kids will be hard and at times painful, but I also know it will also be filled with joy and so much love. I know personally, if i didn't have kids, I'll always wonder about it and long for it. Having kids is a deeply personal matter and there is no point in judging or arguing with others for why they do or do not want to have kids. We all have different perspectives and lives and that's what's amazing and interesting about life! I'm so excited for you Shan!
I had a kid because the universe knew I needed her soul to help mine grow. I was 19 and she was a surprise (single mom). We have grown-up together and it has been the scariest, most amazing thing I've done. She is almost 16 and I am so proud of the person she is becoming, everyone always credits me, but honestly? I just listened to her and supported her because I didn't know how to "parent" and she has become an amazingly strong teenager with a great head on her shoulders. You are going to be amazing parents.
I'm in my 50s and chose to never have kids. Males were detached from the jump, many were exactly like my father, narcissistic. I refused to be saddled to a whack job with a kid in the middle of it. I never regretted my decision. I love kids, and have taken care of them ever since I was a kid myself...but I was serious about not having any. I had my tubes cut short and cauterized shut in my 20's. Many women swear up and down they will never have them, but they end up with them anyway. This chile right here, nope I was serious as a heart attack. I guess I'm weird...I don't get googly eyed everytime I see a baby, never felt a "biological clock ticking" and refused to let someone knock me up, then abandon myself and a child. If I felt a need to care for something back in the day, I would get a puppy lol.
Sooo annoying to have to convince your family that you don't want any. Then Dell with the biological clock they have on for you. Then i experienced the nonsense of doctors who refuse to tie your tubes until you're over 30 saying women change their minds. Like 🧐😣🤷🏽♀️
First I want to say how wonderful of a person you are, I have been watching for awhile and you are so open minded, classy, and so respectful of other people’s’ way of doing things. I am 28 and I am really firm about not having kids until I finish school, get my career, house and most importantly someone to spend the rest of my life with. This does not mean any other way it is done is wrong, this is what is best for me and from the way I grew up. It has been a struggle dealing with people who are constantly judging me because I choose to wait. I am definitely open to other alternatives as you say, it is necessary due to waiting. What is most important to me is not having the baby but being prepared to give that baby the life they deserve. I rather struggle now, so my children don’t have to. Thank you again for this video
I'm in my early twenties and still figuring out how to take care of myself. I don't feel ready to have kids until I have more of myself to give. And I've made up my mind that if I do want kids down the road, I will adopt :)
Wow. The quote about mothers giving milk and honey really resonated with me. I have a 3 month old and I’m in a toxic relationship with her father. I’ve been staying with my parents because he kicked me out during an argument. The first week or so I was strong headed on staying with him. I couldn’t accept I chose the wrong person to have a child with. I couldn’t accept feeling like a failure of a mother not staying with her father. I always grew up with both my parents and it’s been important to me to give that to my daughter. I was unhappy my whole pregnancy, and ever since she’s been born it’s only gotten worse. Reality has set in the past week and I know I can’t go back. I know I need to set a good example for my daughter. I know I can give her honey if I’m happy. There’s so much guilt and shame I feel bc to leave her dad feels like a selfish choice but this reminds me that it isn’t. Thank you
aww. listen, I've been there! best thing to do is to be happy and show your daughter how happy her mom can be for the both of you. she doesn't need to grow up in a toxic environment. and he will never change. period. kicking you out should be the ultimate betrayal. he is not your friend. however, let him have his own relationship with his daughter, u don't have to raise her together but u can work together. I am happy as can be to not be in that toxic energy. it will drain your spirit and soul. stay in you honey, your light!
I’m definitely where you were. Especially being cautious about being bound to the wrong partner Edit after watching: I feel like you are in my mind lol. I would love to be a guardian and take part in raising adults and the way I have chosen to do that is through being present for the children in my life. I have honey to give now but not necessarily to my own child. I was raised by a village of guardians and rn I am loving being part of someone’s village of guardians and maybe if I choose to have a child of my own I may have similar communal practices with people who share my values.
I totally understand. I was 35 when I had my daughter and so glad my parents never were pressing or asking when I’m having a child. Being a mom and still being a sexual human being. Nobody says it from men. Matter of fact ppl think they are more desirable. I started watching your channel maybe last year and understanding being a single mom and still has desires.
I think I'm scared of being a mother as much I love my mom and she is wonderful mother/woman I just don't know if I can't really see myself taking care a human being. I'm scared losing myself while having kids.
Even when I was a kid, I never pictured myself as a parent. It just never really crossed my mind and when it occasionally did, it would make me cringe. The older I've gotten and the more aware of the world I've become, I am absolutely dead-set against having kids. Aside from that, there are also too many things wrong with me anyway. If the world was a better place, if I didn't have so many problems, and if I was a bit younger, I probably wouldn't be as opposed to having them. There are multitude of things that would have to be in place before I'd consider considering becoming a dad.
My mom had me when she was 35, I think because she was so mature and had lived her life, although all parents make mistakes, she is a single immigrant mother who had her struggles, but I have a pretty solid foundation. I do attribute a large chunk of that to the fact that she had me later in life. --- Love you Shan Shan, can relate to your reason for not wanting kids for sure! Blessings
I am very much like how Shannon was. I'm 33 years old and do not want children, never did. There are so many reasons as to why I do not want children, and at this point in my life, I still feel very strongly about that. I'm glad Shannon realized for herself that she wanted to be a mother and did not decide out of pressure or shame from society. Society expects that every woman should be pregnant at least once in their life, and we get shamed if we decide that pregnancy is not part of our purpose. I'm glad women (at least in American society) have the right to choose what to do with their bodies. It is great if a woman wants to become a mother and it should be great also if a woman chooses not to become a mother. Whether younger or older, we should celebrate a woman's choice. Congrats Shannon on YOUR choice to enter motherhood! I am so happy for you and Jared; your baby girl is very lucky to have you both :)
This was a great conversation. I had my child at 21, dealt with mom shaming, being looked down upon because I didn’t get married and had a child out of wedlock...so pretty much, my sexual identity was not a priority. It was a necessity for me to prove that I can “mother” properly. The relationship with my child’s father didn’t work out, but I’m now in a relationship where I feel I can love and need to express that sexy side I once had...working on that. 🙏🏾
I find it interesting how you said that you didn't choose your partner based on how he would be like as a parent but simply for your own wishes of him as a partner by your side. Often times when parenthood becomes overwhelming for so many, they might develop this tendency to consistently blame themselves or their s/o for why *that* partner had to become or ended up becoming the other parent to their kids
I wanted 7-9 kids when I was in my teens. Then I decided in my twenties(early) that three would be okay. By 30 all I wanted was one...maybe. Once I turned 35, I was completely turned off by the idea of kids. Now that I'm 42, I'm glad I didn't have any of my own. I raised 3 non-bilogicals who are now very grown. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
Hey Shan, I wanted to leave a comment because I really enjoyed your transparency and could relate a lot. I’m 30 and have been married almost 3 years now and both my husband and I have always wanted kids. However, as I’ve gotten older and experienced more life, I’m more cautious about when, for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I’m on a personal journey currently of self-love and self-acceptance and living in my purpose. I want to be as mentally and emotionally healthy as possible before I’m responsible for helping someone else find a confidence I don’t yet have. On top of that, I’m also not ready to sacrifice my body to bring life. I have to work very hard to stay in good shape and not knowing how my body will change is kind of terrifying. But all of that has made me okay with waiting to get pregnant and I’m grateful my husband is also not in a rush and respects where I am. So thanks again for sharing and I’m wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy!
This was SO freaking helpful. I’m in my early 20s and have also gone back and forth on whether kids are an important part of my journey or not. I find myself analyzing parenting styles and skills to decide what my parental values would be and I feel it just instills fear that I won’t be able to provide all of the skills I’d want to offer a child. I feel that, as you said, with time and honey (or lack of), my decision will become easier. Thank you so much for this insight and added perspective!
this is beautiful. I’m currently in my early twenties and definitely in the phase of self discovery and finding my identity. not even close to thinking about kids in my life rn (although I think I want them eventually), but identity has been a big factor for me in romantic relationships and navigating sharing my life with somebody significant while still finding my own person. thank you for your transparency; this (and a ton of your other videos) help give me confidence for now and down the road!
Mama Shan! Love this video. Its such a great discussion to have. I'm fairly certain I don't want biological children because I don't feel morally right running the risk of passing on a lot of mental and physical health issues that have plagued my family every damn generation. Ive never been able to rely on my body, its always let me down or been in pain so I don't see it as being able to grow a healthy human. I do have a lot of extra love to give, though, so I think it's highly probable that I'll adopt or foster. Like it's kind of overflowing, I gotta direct it to somethin 😂 be it vocational career or a lil human. I also think I have one of the most special mothers in the world, and I'd love to pass on what she's taught me with my own little girl.
Finally I hear someone that feels the same way as I do. Why people want to be bonded to someone for life without being sure is crazy to me. People ask me don't you want kids. Of course but not with just anyone.
I cannot count how many people mostly women ask me what will I do with my boudoir modelling career once I choose to have kids. I could never understand why I had to give up something I loved and is part of my identity to be a mother. I believe that loving my sexual self and being confident with my body are part of a whole person. Having a child should not take something from your identity it should add to your identity. The mother is not a holy pure idol she's a multifaceted diverse human being well grounded in this world. Thank you so much for adding to this much needed conversation!
My first reason for not wanting kids is probably selfish, but after a very rough life I'm finally at a place where I can start doing things for myself and enjoying life. The second reason is I don't feel like I'm emotionally and mentally at a place that I can do that, I had a somewhat physical and mostly emotionally and mentally abusive childhood and it's been going on for generations and I don't want it to continue. I know what not to do but I'm still afraid of somehow accidentally continuing like my mom did. Plus family history of mental illness
I'm 36, and just started taking Prenatal supplements and changed my diet in preparation of my husband and I trying for a baby next year. My biggest fear is that my attention span isn't long enough for kids, even though I love and want them so badly. I just want to give them everything and all of the love and wisdom they need.
I’m 31 and in the maybe bucket. I was at hell no until I met my partner. Now I’m working my way towards knowing myself and loving what I do. Maybe I’ll get to hell yes similarly to you. No matter what, I’m always open with my partner about it and he’s been amazing.
i’ve always been the young girl now young woman that wanted a big family (7 kids at the most), but now that i’m older the desire for wanting that many children has changed a lot. not only because of financial reasons, but mainly because I see too many women in my personal life having to take on the role of working AND mostly taking care of their children (always being the one to bathe them, change their diapers and/or clothe them, read stories to them, fix their food, cook, etc.) while their bf/baby daddy/husbands only work and do the bare minimum of taking care of their children. it’s more to raising your children than just working (this is MY opinion). i know every woman or household is different when it comes to those things, but for me personally, i hope it is 50/50 between my future husband and I. i have other reasons, but overall, the lack of partnership in raising children SEEMS to be too common & that’s why I’m honestly grateful I do not have children yet. timing is everything and I thank God for protecting me when i was being careless & thinking I wanted children at the time i did.
So, i'm 22. i knew at 12 i didn't want kids because i didn't like how my mom didn't recover from childbearing (she has three kids in total). in particular, the weight. i realize from watching my mom that i stood firmly in deciding to be childfree. also, as kid my emotional world was really not the best, and i'm still learning how to express myself and allow others to do the same. the biggest question i'm grappling with is why is this such a big deal, why do i feel pressured to answer this question so early, and why do we put an emphasis on having kids. i definitely enjoy being child-free. i want to differentiate between a soul desire for kids and a physical desire to have kids. because the biggest thing for me is not regretting it. the child will feel me regretting their existence, and that's not something i'd want to project onto them. thanks for sharing this video.
I’ll be 36 in October and I definitely spent my 20s on the same wave as you. I’m now changing all my dirty lifestyle habits in order to reverse my insulin resistance & start my TTC journey. 🥴
Damn girl. I'm 29 yrs old and to this day I still say I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids. All the fears you shared I battle with myself. I also question my ability to split my time between work, motherhood, self care, love for my partner etc. The way you have come full circle and the way you have remained open to change and yet stayed true to yourself is inspiring to me. I always say I don't close myself to the idea of having children but I lean more towards no. I want a relationship that doesn't unite us because of the children but because of us. Thanks for sharing ❤
Laaaawwwddddd you are such a stunning woman both inside and out! Articulate, intelligent and beautiful! Nuff love from Jamaica. Also, I love the necklace. Where is it from?
I enjoyed this so much! I recently found your RUclips and I’ve been binging 😅 I agree with the points you made and I honestly wish more people would at LEAST think about having a good partner to raise a child with before they void protection
Your ability to explain things as thorough as you do, makes any conversation regardless of the topic... worth watching :) Research and Professionalism at its finest!
Yes!!! I am 34 and I dont expect to have one until 36 because like you spoke about I want to be a happy healthy well rounded individual who could give so much more to them.
I don’t know how to explain how I feel so I’ll just ramble on: I’m very appreciative of your presence online, and your well rounded view and openness to learning and growing as well as teaching those that follow you just by sharing your experiences. I came to the realization while watching your video that I have work to do, because your glow is real and your happiness is infectious. I watch your videos and feel inspired by your glimpses into your life and seeing you thriving so much. You really are an inspiration Shan and thank you for sharing your love and light. ♥️😭 @26: I knew I wanted a child (just one) eventually. I got into the relationship I’m in now and through some really tough times, I was pregnant once. I made a tough decision after long discussions and I think a lot of fear that right then wasn’t the right time. Decision made, I had to move on but even now, even with the wild ride my life’s been so far, it was the right decision at the time. Now @30: I’ve had one surgery that caused me to have to have an ovary removed. I’ve always believed in my body. It warns me, it tells me when I need to treat it better, it lets me know when I’m feeling great...I believe in my body and how in tune I am with it, but of course there’s always that fear. I still want one child, now more than I have in awhile. I’m sure my body is capable, but it still scares me at times that maybe I won’t be able to carry. I’m still going to believe in my body, and do everything to support it to make sure that I can. I haven’t started trying yet, I think I have some healing emotionally to do before I can give my child honey, but I’m hoping to start. Question: I have but one question that I ask myself everyday. Am I ready to raise a child that has a childhood they don’t have to heal from? ♥️♥️ Anyways...Thank you Shan for being you.
'I'm I ready to raise a child that has a childhood they don't have to heal from?' 😩😩 Wow wow wow!!! This is such a powerful question!!!! Got me thinking so deeply. Woww
I never wanted kids EVER. Terrified of the thought. My partner and I are talking about it. He really wants kids. Same age gap and as you and your hubby. I’m really glad I found your channel. #kindred UPDATE: 6/24/21 Since posting this I’m now married and a mom of a 5 week old baby girl and I’m glad that I went through with this motherhood journey and still grateful that I found this channel.
Thank you so much for this. Currently terrified of regretting having children but I couldn’t ask for a more supportive partner than I have now, which helps a lot.
You are absolutely right!I've had that same worry before I had my son earlier the month. I didnt want to lose my individuality and my identity as a person independent form having a child. I didnt want to give up my youthful fun loving self to put on a more serious, subdued persona. I didnt want to be like other women who have had kids and completely changed, devoting their entire self to being a mother and nothing else subsequently cutting off themselves from the entire world. I waited till I was 31 to have children and now having experienced motherhood and how challenging it is I would not have changed a thing. My views remain very much the same.
1) You are stunning and so smart. 2) I’m 28 and I’ve been thinking more about wanting to have kids recently. This was very inspiring and a thoughtful way of looking at things. It made me proud of the time I’m taking on the journey I’m taking too. 3) Thank you for being you.
Still in my early twenties and I maintain what I decided when I was in my teens. If I have a child then I move forward with them because that is what's written in my destiny. I have not tied my identity or success to having children, neither do I feel particularly drawn to the idea. I leave room for change.
I loveee the idea of honey and especially that you’re sharing you’ve just recently gotten to this place. I’m only 24 and so devoted to self improvement (and am now a therapist) and I am so so hard on myself that I still have so many insecurities. I feel frustrated that I’m not this person I want to be. And I feel frustrated watching strong powerful women who I strongly admire, and wonder how they got there and if I could ever get there. It really sets as a reminder that even confident women like you had a journey to get there, and I still have so much time!!! Thank you for all of these raw conversations and opening up your life to us
Shan BOODY i watched it till the end. This was so good. The analogy you gave about Milk and Honey will stay with me FOREVER. I honestly never thought about it like that before. I am much like you. Not sure about kids really either. It was always me first. Depending on how I feel mentally, emotionally and financially. But with the right guy I think it would help. Lots to think about. Thank you for this honest and very special video. 😁
Speaking my whooooolllle truth right now!!! At 33, I'm just now beginning to find my peace and understanding in who I am and have become. It's common that my mother, who had me at 33, comments on if or when I'm having kids or going to be in a stable relationship etc etc and honestly, its abusive emotionally in a sense. However, knowing that I am secure in the fact that I haven't had children yet and my reasons why...you just spoke every bit of it. Thank you for that validation Shan.
My mother told me once that being a mother was her greatest accomplishment in life and it honestly scared me. People are so flawed and it’s hard for me to imagine putting that much energy into another human. Sounds crazy and selfish I know, but I want my greatest accomplishments in life to be the places I’ve traveled to, my character etc.
those are considered hobbies or self-development, but when you're ready to experience a pure form of God, the highest form of Love, you get that by becoming a mother. There's no greater love like it!
I’m 23 and I can’t wait to be a mom. It’s something I’ve wanted since I was very young, so it’s really interesting to hear different perspectives on motherhood and womanhood in general. I’m happy for you Shan, and I think it’s great that you came to this selfless decision in your own time. So excited to (virtually) meet your daughter!
Often times women who choose not to have children are shamed by society and deemed most of all as “selfish”. I completely disagree. I think it’s selfish when people are procreating irresponsibly with the wrong partners. I think it’s selfish when the children then have to live with the trauma that comes with that. I also think it’s selfish to have multiple children when you can’t take care of them. It’s not selfish to know yourself at the time, and make an informed decision that can change in the future when you feel differently. This was great Shan, your honesty is unprecedented.
Thank you for your understanding. I am one who did not desire kids and ppl use to piss me off with their comments.
I don't have children and I'm not sure I want any because it looks really, really hard and thankless. If that makes me selfish and I don't have any, then isn't it great that I self-identified as selfish and didn't have children? People who don't want children and don't have them sounds like a win-win to me.
@@orianasanchez8410 Amen lol
👏👏👏👏
Wow your comment is eye opening. I always thought having children was the most selfless thing ever. The most responsibility most people could ever put on themselves.
Erm........ This girl is 35...... I genuinely thought she was like 26. This is MAD
34
Nicky y yemaya y oshun she said 35 in the video lol
how old is he again?
Because a lot of women her age have kids 😂 they do that to you
Casablanca Durant sure, ok.
It’s so crazy that 35 is considered a geriatric pregnancy like your 30s is when most people get to together to the point where they can provide for a child financially emotionally and spiritually.
exactly. I don't think it's as biologically risky as they like to say. It's conditioning. the body fine lol
@@alexb8399 I think it depends individually on how healthy a person is (pregnancy can be dangerous). Biological age is not necessarily the same as calendar age. People age at different rates due to lifestyle and genetics. But if someone is healthy and happy then absolutely. Look at Shan (case in point) she looks amazing!
AGREED
My Mum had me at age 38 and I'm totally fine. It's all genetics.
My sister had her first at 43. Perfectly fine pregnancy and perfect baby. Healthy woman can become pregnant whenever she wants to.
Being bonded to the wrong romantic relationship is a big one for me. It is probably not the best type of fear to have but I dont know how to shake it.
I felt this on so many levels, I've always knew I wanted kids but yet at 30 I'm nowhere near having a baby. And that's the main reason why!!
Omg yes, def a big fear of mine. Married or not. I am scared.
this is very reasonable. I made that mistake with someone & believe me, it is so much deeper than this comment.
@@ninaxantana1795 Omg. How was it?
This is my biggest fear with having kids. I’m the oldest in a single parent household of 6 kids and watching my mother repetitively choose the wrong partner has really made be second guess having kids at all. You really don’t know a person until you do..
I feel like the reason I don't want kids is because I hadn't seen anybody with kids being cool parents, who handled things well and still managed to maintain their identity. My experience has been seeing women become mothers with no identity of their own, complain all day about their useless husbands, and become so boring, and do nothing but complain about their kids.
I think 2020 has been such an interesting year because all of the youtubers I watch and admire got pregnant: Shan, Melanie Murphy, Rose and Rosie. It reminds me that I could be a cool parents, remain the person I am, and find reliable and consistent love.
ConstructingAdditionalPylons this is such a great comment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, because I can relate
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How i feel
This 100% I never saw becoming a mother as appealing based on what I saw growing up. Thanks to RUclips, I've had insight into these new parents' lives and it's something I now want to experience for myself someday
Sorta feel that way about being a wife...
@@laurenjackson2810 if you cant see it, create it! 😊
My stance is, I don't want BIOLOGICAL children.
I'm more than comfortable with being a great aunt, step-mom and/or community mentor. I'm even open to possibly adopting/fostering. But I'm choosing not to physically have any children for my own personal reasons.
me too, I want to adopt people think I'm crazy but I have my reasons.
I want to adopt as well. I’m not opposed to giving birth but I have PCOS which can cause infertility so if it happens it happens but I still would like to adopt.
Me too, I want to adopt as well! There are a lot of children already on Earth, that would die to have a loving, stable family.
@@twayna1234 You're not crazy at all. And even if your reason is simply "because you want to", that should be good enough.
@Jenny Thank you 🖤. I am so happy to know your health is improving. Pregnancy and childbirth puts our bodies through so much [it truly is an underrated experience] that I can understand and respect your decision. 😘😘😘
I don’t want to birth any because of the physical pain, Financial strain and loss of freedom. I am enjoying being the Auntie that can spoil her nieces and nephews ❤️✨
Omg my little sister is the same way
Honestly being an aunty or uncle is amazing like yeah they get to be cute around me but then they throw up or sh"t all over the place and I can just fling them to the mum or dad and that's honestly amazing
Power to you
I'm mostly scared about losing my freedom and bonding to the wrong person
Aunties are the best! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼😊
6 months already? Dang momma!! We can't wait to meet her either.
My idea of wanting kids changed from HELL NO to “I’d do this with the right guy” when I felt very loved and that I could see myself with this one guy a few years back. Even though that ended, it shifted my idea of potential parenthood sooo much. So definitely relatable.
adore you Elaisha
❤️
Very much the same for me
I can see that!
Me too!
Orange is so pretty on you
Gracias! Summer time vibes
Yes and she’s glowing! 💚
I came to say this!
Yassssss and that lip hunnyyy😍😍😍💋
Nallah B this also happened with Jeanie mai. You will never be the same person you are at 20 to 35 so never say never
I don’t want kids... and I don’t know what else to say about it. I just don’t want one. I’ve never had the desire to. Never envisioned my future with children. 🤷🏻♀️
I really wish that age didn’t affect conceiving a child and that women could have children at any age without having to worry about the risk that come with having children the longer you wait. Women are so much more independent these days and the years we spend getting our lives and careers in order is when our fertility is at its peak. It’s like we’re in direct conflict with our own biology. 😓
I'm going through that right now at 35. I'm emotionally ready, but not financially.
@Abc C it's always men saying this
I'm 33 about to be 34 and I don't even have a man yet 🤷🏽♀️ I'm still not rushing the experience. Everything doesn't have to be perfect but it has to be right.
@Abc C I don't whatsoever
@Abc C Nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but most women nowadays have incredible careers. I wouldn't generalize and say women prefer to stay at home while the man is the bread winner.
I am a 36 year old mother of 5 and honestly I wish I would've waited. The loss of self has been so real especially because it's been so one sided. I always knew I wanted to be a mom but I was not in the right head space when it happened and I don't think I've regained my footing. I'm learning to embrace the pieces of who I am aside from being someone's mom though it is a huge challenge most times. I fully commend you Shan, as well as any other birthing person/parent who is self aware enough to be able to recognize the importance of maintaining that sense of self and how vital that is to true happiness and how much that can improve the experience of raising a child and therefore improve that child's life.
This is very honest & raw ❤️ I really appreciate when parents speak openly about what it truly means to be a parent, how they feel, how they’ve changed, not just the rainbows & unicorns.... the messy parts of parenthood as well. Thank you for sharing.
Fully agree with what Lonna said above, thank you so much for your honesty ♥️ sending you so much love and light, friend. You're doing something so incredible in this role if nurturer, I really hope that you find the space to nurture yourself more.
May I message you?
@@yumiko0017 sure
5 is alot of time spent pregnant sheesh you could have stopped at 1 or 2. That's low key your fault
I wish you were my mom. I love my mom but she doesn't have "honey" my whole life she just seemed so stressed and disconnected, I never see her enjoy life. And I love that excerpt you read, because she was so good at loving me as a baby and a child, but as an adult she wants me to need her and it puts a lot of strain on our relationship because I feel like she holds me back from being and independent adult, and she feels personally offended by me trying to spread my wings. I think I'm going to buy two copies of that book and read with her. Because my whole life I've been dying waiting for the day to have a baby, but I know I need to get to a place where you are in order to be a mother who can raise a child to truly be happy and love life.
Wow! You explained your situation so eloquently...even made me realize that I have similar older family members who act like that. I hope reading the book will help your mother see that you’re on your own life journey...and she should be happy in her own life too!
I relate to this so deeply with my own mom.
As hard as it is to say, my mum let having kids sap the life out of her. She went above and beyond to take care of everyone else and forgot to give to herself, pouring out of an empty cup. She’s a positive and optimistic person, but seeing her overwhelmed by stress, never getting a full nights sleep, and relying on coping mechanisms didn’t really inspire me to go out and enjoy life. If anything, she lived vicariously through me.
I know for sure I won’t have kids until I reach the emotional maturity to take care of myself as well as others.
My mom was 39 when she had me (34 when she had my brother), I am now 22 and very happy to have "older" parents. I think you made a very wise decision to wait until the moment was right for both you and Jared! And for the record 34 is not even that old to have a child, at least from a swedish point of view!
My mom had me at 42, and my brother at 37 :) super old parents
My mother had me at 38 and older sister at 35. I definitely agree! Very wise decision. I didn’t appreciate it until I got older.
Sis 20 me 25 bro 35
Thanks for sharing this! I had infertility and didn't have my first till i was 36.
I told my mom the dog 🐶was her grand child!🤣 Then at 39 I was newly married and was ready for the responsibility. Now I'm in love with a cute little 14 month old boy. A love like no other when you're a mother!🥰🥰
Amazing!!! Congrats
@@shanboody Thank you! Congrats to you, bless😘😘
I’m 20 and the thought of having a child in the future seems that being a mother could potentially be my main/ biggest role in my life for me to play, feels like a burden to me
I feel this comment
That's one of my fears too, having a child and having that be the end all be all of my life
Angel Giordano Maybe you guys need to stop believing the lies society feeds you. You make your own decisions in life.
@Reina De corazones That is not true at all. Women are often shamed for not having children. Even at 22, I am shamed constantly for not wanting any. Women's feelings are dismissed with "Oh you'll change your mind." "You're being selfish." "You don't know love unless you have a child." "You have a uterus. You're meant to have children." Women have to fight to get sterilized!!! Society does in fact pressure women to have children.
@Reina De corazones Society does feed this idea into women's minds that they are meant to have children. They are shunned if they don't. If that isn't what you are talking about, then what are you talking about?
"I didn't wanted to be bonded with the wrong partner"
Seriously... and this is why my parents are together again, it's cause of us.
I feel this
Witnessing a TERRIBLE relationship in childhood made me enjoy being single for a VERY long time and have no problem being single forever. But now that I have experienced relationships it makes me realize how nice it is to have someone else in your corner but it also takes hard work and it has to be something you are ready for. These days I am definitely on the fence about procreating (although I love kids) because I REFUSE to repeat the generational cycle!
If it’s something really important to you, maybe therapy could help you to feel like you’ve moved passed your own trauma to ensure you don’t pass it down?
Lauren J Yes for sure! Have been in therapy for some time now trying to recover.
Shanice T That’s good, and I’m sorry you experienced that😔
Lauren J it’s fine this has made me a strong woman 🙏🏾
Me 100% I could cry. and I didn't know how to articulate this before. Thank you. I'm on the way to my honey. If I didn't have this fear, I've realized I actually do want to be a mother.
I love that you shared this Shan! I don't want kids myself, and I wish that people would stop expecting motherhood out of me and judging me when their expectations are wrong. I frequently get comments that I'll change my mind, like you did, but I think others have to respect what people are saying when they say no. It irks me when people just disregard my own life choices as though I don't know myself, you know?
Agreed.
Kale, I totally totally understand how you feel. Ive never wanted kids all my life. Lots of people thought I would have changed my mind as well. And what ended up happening is that due to severe issues with my womb and ovaries, I had to remove them all this year at age 35. And many may feel sympathy for me but honestly I have never felt so happy in my life after being ill for many years. I am now embarking on a new journey, eating well, exercising because i finally have the strength to do these things again. Im manifesting that I will be writing a book about this experience to put people like urself at peace with the decision to chose to not have bio kids - whether voluntarily or otherwise - and have no regrets about their decision. I do believe that if i didnt have the surgery i still would have opted to not have kids so i understand totally how u feel.
Side note- I admire Shan taking her time to decide what she wants to do, and i hope it gives people the encouragement to know that u can make the decision in your own timing, just like she did🙂 Congrats Shan, you’ll be a great mom and Jared a great dad, that baby is sooo blessed to have such woke parents who are self aware of everything that they do.
I have the same thing. Starting to feel a light pressure from my grandma especially to have kids it's very ennoying people are so conditioned by society
@@adeliat3983 I would like to read your book.
My niece said to me you have time. I said no not happening.
I’ve literally dreamed about babies since forever and now i’m just realizing maybe that’s bc i’m trying to fill a void idk
🧏🏾♀️ same here.. got a lot of thinking to do
What do you think a child would bring you?
THIS
I can’t say enough what a profound video this is. Coming from a traditionalist African culture (not necessarily family) it’s hard to find people that can provide this kind of insight with such an empowering message. Empowering yourself means empowering your child. Thanks Shan.
As and African, I totally understand what you mean😕
As another fellow African. i also completely understand. This video spoke to my soul
Makes you even better candidate actually. That kid doesn't fill any void.
My MIL has 10 kids cos she was trying to fill that void.
I had my daughter at 19. I was no wear near ready but she helped me grow and become who I am today. And fortunately I think I did an pretty good job. I am now 40 finally married to my King and now trying to figure out my identity. I have always been a mom. And yes I am still a mom but who am I. What is my passion who am I outside of a wife, a mom, an employee. This has been the hardest transition for me. And this started when my daughter turned 16 and started driving each milestone for her was a scary realization that I didn't know who I was.
My recommendation to any new mom. Is don't lose your identity, make sure to take time for yourself. Make sure to keep hobbies that are all yours, try not to lose your identity.
Wow I’m 24 now with a 6 and 3 year old I can relate so much to your comment. My daughter started kindergarten this year and I have mixed emotions about having more free time to now actually go out into the world and find a career etc. If you have any advice please help!
I feel like my boyfriend telling me I was sexy when I was pregnant and staying sexually active with him during my pregnancy really helped me stay confident and actually feel sexy with in myself. Now that I had my son a month ago (two on the 18th) having him continue to tell me he finds me sexy and loves my body regardless of what I may think about it helps ALOT with me still feeling good about myself and embracing my new and different beauty that I see when I look in the mirror. Having a baby shouldn’t make you feel less sexy because it’s a different sexy that you’re looking at. A new and improved grown sexy lol. I’m so excited for you to have your baby girl 🥰 I hope everything goes well for you and you have a beautiful experience ❤️
As a women we think we have to follow this timeline, I’m going to be 27 soon, Me and my partner are not financially ready right now & that’s one of the most important things to me. I think it’s beautiful that you’re having a baby at 34 & I know it might sound silly but it gives me a sense of relief. Like I have plenty of time
Tbh let me tell you this. You’re never going to be ready for kids . There’s a few people I know that waited to be financially stable and now they’re struggling to have one. Etc there’s always going to be something. Just know is a learn as you go type of things. Money is always gonna come and go etc .
I’m 26 and it’s made me feel that way too
Agreed!
Same! I turned 27 this week and it makes me feel as if my timeline is almost up (people around me are all having kids and it’s the last thing I want or need atm)
I’m 28 and both my husband and I are in no way ready.
"Wanting to share your body, I didn't want to do that" DUDE!! Yes!! No one ever talks about that, the idea of being an incubator grosses me out unbelievably!! I am glad you mentioned that.
That not wanting to be “bonded to the wrong romantic partner” reason was so real. That has to be number one reason for me. Second is that I can’t even take care of myself properly so how can I care for someone else. Third is that I just want to be able to get up and go whenever I feel like it, how knows where we will end up.
I see a lot of this in myself. I’m 29 and this is the first year I’m making real money. I’m in grad school so I’m super busy and I’ve never had a healthy serious relationship. I learned late how to date because of church and I’m just figuring out who I am. Now that I’m starting to making decent money, the first thing I don’t want to spend it on is a child. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am; so many tears, regret, confusion, and pain that now I’m seeing my efforts pay off and I want to spend and invest it on myself. I’m really questioning if I want kids because I don’t know if I care to do what I would need to in order to raise a child, but there are moments I think I could. I really don’t know. I’m single so I’m thankful I don’t have to figure this out. Even meeting men now and they ask if I want kids I feel as though whoever answer I give is a lie because it’s not a certain truth. The conversation with myself is stressful.
I'm 30 & single, also looking for guys who don't want kids.
start small to figure out whether you have what it takes to raise a child - get a puppy, then foster some child
and if you think that you have what i takes to raise a child, then you can think about having your own or to adopt
there’s of course no shame to decide you only want to be a foster parent or even only want to raise dogs
i’d say that nurturing whoever gives a person more options how to live their lives than thinking they need to have their own kids
I had my first daughter at 34 and having my second daughter at 36. And now I know God knew what he was doing giving me my kids at this time.
❤️❤️
Love this. Im 28 and this comment reminds me that it's okay to have kids in your 30s. Theres so much pressure to get married and have kids before 30.
I feel like children don’t inherently cause anyone to lose their identity and sexual identity. Men have historically always been able to be fathers while still having their own identities and sexuality. I believe it’s actually sexism that causes those things. Children, in my opinion, aren’t inherently bad or damaging. I believe society has made it so difficult for women. I think many people (not saying this video is doing this) blame the children instead of the sexism.
YES YES YES!!!! A man can always have a career and be a father... for mothers it's such a different conversation. I wish this was more normalized!
Yea like a women with a couple of kids under her belt from a previous relationship is always considered "damaged goods" or "used up". Yet men can be out here fertilizing like a sprinkler with no losses to their sexual market value. Especially because there are no physical repercussions or downtime for them when they father kids. So women often feel like they are making an even larger sacrifice than just the discomfort and pain they endure.
Asha F. Except for the fact that the majority of men in the history of humankind didn’t even have children. You are simply cherry picking the high value men that women want to be impregnated by and ignoring the men who women want nothing to do with
Men ‘historically’ having a ‘career’ for the entire history of civilization has meant back-breaking labor to ensure his family didn’t starve to death. Is that what you want?
Men working and women raising children is what made the most sense for the survival and reproduction of the species. It had nothing to do with sexism
@@etf42 I'm ok with that assertion. Who doesn't want a high value partner, even if it's in your own eyes? All I'm saying is that back then it may have been understood that men do the "hard" labour and women cater to house & home. However in present day both women and men are expected to be gainfully employed and in many cases that same employed women is expected to still carry the lion's share of homemaker and child rearing responsibilities. With the idea that if women wanna be 'independent and skillful' that's to be entered at their own risk. I've heard numerous times that new age women are "too independent" and act like they don't need any help; as if there was a choice in the matter. When men stopped carrying the weight you spoke of in your previous response, women had to step up to the plate in other ways. Except nothing has been removed from our plate, so now in many instances we shoulder everything PLUS having to pencil in family planning.
As a married woman with no kids, that is contemplating having some, you really truly made me feel better about feeling the exact same way about this issue. I too feared losing my individuality, my identity as a woman to be someones mom. There's no reason why these 2 traits or persona's cant co-exist. For some women, such as myself, they NEED to. Thanks Shan!
They honey part really resonated with me. I do not wish to have children (and luckily my partner feels the same way). I am dreading the day my family will need to be told this explicitly (still have some years to go before they will start asking) as I fear being labelled as egotistical for not wanting to devote my life to anyone else than my partner. I, however, feel that it is the opposite way around. It would be egotistical of me to bring a child into this world without the surplus of love and joy necessary to bring it up in the best possible way.
Why don’t you think you possess a surplus of love and joy to bring a child into the world?
I'm 34 and I've essentially always known kids weren't for me. I realized in the 3rd grade when my male best friend said that we would get married when we're adults and have two bedrooms. I was like YES! Then he said one for us, one for the kids *record scratch* Say what??!! I knew then that that was not my ministry, and that feeling never changed. I married a man who already had a son for that reason. I adore my stepson but now that he's almost grown I KNOW that I'm done.
beautiful, thank you. it's very hard for me to imagine myself having children but i can see myself being with a man who has a child, or just being a great aunt, godmother etc. thank you thank you for this comment
I realized at a young age myself. My mom recently told me that as a teenager I pulled her in my room for a “serious talk” (I barely remember this). But I asked if she would be upset if I never had kids. She’s my biggest supporter (plus she has 5 grandkids already) so she was totally fine. It’s just be hard to stand in that decision when people keep trying to convince you that you’ll “snap out of it” one day.
I’ve been a parent since 2003 . I was 14 at the time my daughters mother was 13 , we were young , stupid , very horny for each other one night we just went for it and we got pregnant , . It was the hardest thing we’ve ever done , we had no money , we were still in school , and obviously still at home . My mom was a little more understanding she’s only 15 years older than me herself , Isabella’s father broke my nose ( although he paid for me to get it fixed straight away ) when we told him he probably would have killed me if her mother hadn’t of stepped in.
But we made it through it’s both my hardest and proudest achievement to date , and I certainly wouldn’t advise going the route we did , she’s 16 now soon to be 17 and she’s my everything I couldn’t have imagined my life without her . I ended up with four children by the age of 22 . Twins Ava and Brea arrived in 2008 , followed by Marnie in 2011 , my fifth and probably final child another daughter was born in 2016 .
My mom has three sisters , I have four sisters , my father was the only boy out of six children boys seem to be a rarity in our family . As it turns out I wouldn’t have it any other way apart from having Paris when we were ready and able to provide for her ourselves ( a good 8 years after we’d had her )
But everyone is different you hopefully do what is right for you and hopefully your partner is on the same page I’ve always pondered was it selfish to do what we did ( only now as I watch my eldest daughter become a young woman am I beginning to reconcile with some kind of an answer)
All I can say to people I’d be absolutely sure that it’s what you want , because you’re life as you know it is irrevocably changed in ways you can’t possibly comprehend . I mean I still remember the look on Isabella’s face when first told me she was crying , shaking uncontrollably the terror in her eyes though that haunts me to this day , I lied and said everything was going to be ok , when I got home I physically threw up , can’t think of a time when I was more afraid.
As a father of five , I understand that children aren’t for everyone , I don’t think you’re a terrible person or selfish if that is the path you choose. Conversely there are people around that see some people’s reasonings for having children as selfish unfortunately that is also true in some cases .
But if you are truly happy and settled then why not ? There are no guarantees in life the only guarantee is change and the lack of certainty . Wishing you a happy and healthy bundle of joy in the near future , and many blessings to you and your family.
For me, i can see myself being a mother, I just don't want to have the kids. Pregnancy and labor and post part do not entice me and that's an experience that i don't want to put myself through. I would get a surrogate or adopt. But also, another part of me looks at my goals in life and what i need to feel fulfilled, and kids are nowhere on the list. So, i guess you could say that I am kind of in the middle when it comes to this topic.
Thank you for sharing this comment. I also don't wish to have a baby from my own body, and I have felt this way since I was little. I am very open to adoption or to not having children at all.
yes yes yes, exactly my thought.
but i know pregnancy and birth will significantly decrease my chances of certain deadly disease which my family has a history of. it's wierd to think of in that way, but i do.
surrogacy and adoption are such a long and time consuming process I rather give birth.
Don’t let other people’s experiences scare you! You have no idea what your birthing experience will be until you try it. And there are so many things you can research to ensure an easier labor
@@NJaiana I mean it could be okay, but certain aspects of it are inevitable. Some people such as myself have never been drawn to pregnancy. Its hard to explain, but the thought does not make me happy or excited.
I’m 27 going on 28, and feel like I would love to have a child one day. I’m single , so waiting for the right relationship and hopefully that will be a committed partnership (ideally marriage). I’m down to wait , but a part of me wishes that part of life would come sooner than later bc my parents are getting older. Would love to see them be involved in raising grandchildren
Same sis, same
Omg same here. I'm 28 too!
this is so random, but you’re so beautiful and stunning 💕. Hope your dreams come true x
I feel the same pressure. At 31, I prefer to try to have kids later but my partners parents are 70 and 80 years old (they had my partner (33yo) when they where older themselves). IF we ended up having children, of course I would prefer their grandparents in their life. I'm feeling the pressure slightly.
I have the same thoughts, though I'm only 26. But I would love for my mom to have plenty of time with my future children.
I saw that emotion when you described looking into your child’s eyes and telling them that life is good and to now go live it for themselves.. I felt that Shan.. momma to momma
I’m still really young (23) and I’m not sure if I want to have a child mainly due to fear:
1. With me being a black woman, it’s very likely that I’ll die during child birth.
2. I fear that my partner will be loving and everything before and during the pregnancy but when I have the child, the stress will be too much for us and they’ll leave me behind.
3. That I’ll raise a child and not nurture and care for them enough and when they turn 16, they’ll look at me as the person who ‘fucked up’ trying to make a good person out of them.
4. I don’t want to lose my individuality. I want to go places and not be hounded with questions about my baby and my husband because while I’d still be dedicated to my child and partner, I am also strongly dedicated to my personal and professional self growth.
Edit: I don’t mean to be an engery-buster. So I apologize in advance if it came off that way 😕
I agree with you completely
All the points you stated were valid & I feel the same way too.
I have a lot of the same fears too
Just wanted to note that it’s not necessarily LIKELY that you’ll die but you are at a higher risk which is something that scares me too. What I’m telling myself is that all the women in my immediate family have made it out but it’s not really calming my nerves 😅
I couldn’t have said it better. 💕 ALL OF THIS 😢
Being a mom myself, I will say it is SO admirable knowing that women put a lot of thought and decision making into it, because it is a HUGE decision, an enormous forever-changed life change. Best possible change for me in my life, my son is such a blessing. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging. So I love it when I see women and men actually sit and ponder with it rather than rushing into it because they feel they ‘need to’. It’s an important life decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. And likewise, women or men should never feel shamed for not wanting kids. I love Dr Shefalis approach to conscious parenting. She is so great! Anyways lol. I think you guys will make phenomenal parents & thank you for this video.
I’m in my mid 20s right now and still unsure as to whether I want to have children. I didn’t have the best upbringing which meant spending my early 20s healing my unresolved trauma and battling depression.
I guess my main fear is f******* up someone else’s life, or even f****** my own by having a kid.
Totally agree with you!
100% feel the same way. For me,my mother left me in middle school & I’ve always felt like I missed out on having that “mother figure” my therapist explained maybe you can be the mother you always needed to your own kids one day & that gives me some comfort❤️
Sis, are you Somali? Bc I feel the same way and I’m the same age range. Trying to reparent myself and unlearn harmful teachings/traumas. I know I want to be a mom inshaAllah but I want to get myself right first so I can have my child(ren) the best chance at life.
Amen
That’s so real
I’m 20 now and not sure if I truly want kids. I know I love them but the world is so messed up I don’t want to mess them up even more.
So true.. I'm 36 and For years I've said I don't want kids until a few days ago I wondered what it wud be like and find my self maybe wanting to change my mind. But then I snapped out of it quick because this world is so messed up and sick I wud worry constantly about my child. It truly is a corrupt world and I don't think it would be fair to bring a child up in this
Sometimes when you meet the right person the things you once said you'd never do or feel, you finally change your mind, and it's for the best often times.
This comment needs to be pinned!!!
So true
meh
I don’t think it’s a good idea to want kids because of who you’re with because that person could leave and you’re still left with the kid.
oihcam22 well thanks to the patriarchy he’s also leaving his wallet. And he has no choice.
I honestly just hate being around kids and I don't like taking care of them.
I feel you 😄
Lol ikr. But I already have names picked out so I might end up giving in
I hated kids too! But I love my own daughter. I still hate other people's kids though😃
I honestly wanted kids while i was growing up but when I got married I genuinely started questioning if I really want kids because everyone expects it from married women (especially in the African context). Everyone keeps telling me they are waiting for me to get pregnant and it’s honestly annoying. I think that’s what made me question having kids to begin with. I realized I am avoiding it because people keep throwing it down my throat.
I am 24. I was always on the fence about having kids, and leaned more towards not having kids. In 2019 I traveled out of the U.S. with my partner whom I've been with for 8 years where I saw and experienced a completely new love, familial love. I realized my reasons for not having kids was because I didn't have a childhood full of love nor did my parents (they are refugees who only experienced a traumatic childhood) and my parents were not emotionally available. They did not show love in the ways that I had seen other children experience love but needed so I was afraid of repeating that. I also never had a partner whom I loved and would trust with my life, let alone another beings life. But that trip changed my view and for once I started looking at the pros of having kids and not just the negative reasons. I had a void in my life for a long time that I was trying to fill with professional achievements but familal love was what I really needed and I've started reconnecting with and thinking about my family and parents differently. I know having kids will be hard and at times painful, but I also know it will also be filled with joy and so much love. I know personally, if i didn't have kids, I'll always wonder about it and long for it. Having kids is a deeply personal matter and there is no point in judging or arguing with others for why they do or do not want to have kids. We all have different perspectives and lives and that's what's amazing and interesting about life! I'm so excited for you Shan!
I had a kid because the universe knew I needed her soul to help mine grow. I was 19 and she was a surprise (single mom). We have grown-up together and it has been the scariest, most amazing thing I've done. She is almost 16 and I am so proud of the person she is becoming, everyone always credits me, but honestly? I just listened to her and supported her because I didn't know how to "parent" and she has become an amazingly strong teenager with a great head on her shoulders. You are going to be amazing parents.
is that a good reason to have a child?
@@alext3480 No. I had no choice in the matter. Which is why I said that it was the universe. Spread love.
THANK YOU for sharing this! :)
Shan lookin' fine as a mug. I am thoroughly distracted 🤯☺️
Swear that's how I feel every video though 😂😂😂😂
Right?! She’s glowing 💚
@@cierradcorbett u talking about glowing and all I see is BOOBS! ( Yes I am a grown woman , Shan is hot)
Biji Smythe Saaame😂😂 it's all I'm looking at majority of the video
@@bijismythe551 definitely 😂Yitties SITTING.👀
I'm in my 50s and chose to never have kids. Males were detached from the jump, many were exactly like my father, narcissistic. I refused to be saddled to a whack job with a kid in the middle of it.
I never regretted my decision.
I love kids, and have taken care of them ever since I was a kid myself...but I was serious about not having any.
I had my tubes cut short and cauterized shut in my 20's.
Many women swear up and down they will never have them, but they end up with them anyway.
This chile right here, nope I was serious as a heart attack.
I guess I'm weird...I don't get googly eyed everytime I see a baby, never felt a "biological clock ticking" and refused to let someone knock me up, then abandon myself and a child.
If I felt a need to care for something back in the day, I would get a puppy lol.
love this, you literally said everything that i'm thinking about having kids!
@@plutonianchild_4702 thank you sweetie
@@SuperAnimecity I was fortunate. Where I lived in Louisiana they had no problem doing it.
Sooo annoying to have to convince your family that you don't want any. Then Dell with the biological clock they have on for you.
Then i experienced the nonsense of doctors who refuse to tie your tubes until you're over 30 saying women change their minds. Like 🧐😣🤷🏽♀️
Love this
I'm scared to loose my freedom. I'm able to up and go as I please with no one to answer to. I love that about life.
First I want to say how wonderful of a person you are, I have been watching for awhile and you are so open minded, classy, and so respectful of other people’s’ way of doing things. I am 28 and I am really firm about not having kids until I finish school, get my career, house and most importantly someone to spend the rest of my life with. This does not mean any other way it is done is wrong, this is what is best for me and from the way I grew up. It has been a struggle dealing with people who are constantly judging me because I choose to wait. I am definitely open to other alternatives as you say, it is necessary due to waiting. What is most important to me is not having the baby but being prepared to give that baby the life they deserve. I rather struggle now, so my children don’t have to. Thank you again for this video
I'm in my early twenties and still figuring out how to take care of myself. I don't feel ready to have kids until I have more of myself to give. And I've made up my mind that if I do want kids down the road, I will adopt :)
Wow. The quote about mothers giving milk and honey really resonated with me. I have a 3 month old and I’m in a toxic relationship with her father. I’ve been staying with my parents because he kicked me out during an argument. The first week or so I was strong headed on staying with him. I couldn’t accept I chose the wrong person to have a child with. I couldn’t accept feeling like a failure of a mother not staying with her father. I always grew up with both my parents and it’s been important to me to give that to my daughter. I was unhappy my whole pregnancy, and ever since she’s been born it’s only gotten worse. Reality has set in the past week and I know I can’t go back. I know I need to set a good example for my daughter. I know I can give her honey if I’m happy. There’s so much guilt and shame I feel bc to leave her dad feels like a selfish choice but this reminds me that it isn’t. Thank you
aww. listen, I've been there! best thing to do is to be happy and show your daughter how happy her mom can be for the both of you. she doesn't need to grow up in a toxic environment. and he will never change. period. kicking you out should be the ultimate betrayal. he is not your friend. however, let him have his own relationship with his daughter, u don't have to raise her together but u can work together. I am happy as can be to not be in that toxic energy. it will drain your spirit and soul. stay in you honey, your light!
I'm getting Otis' Mom (TV Show: Sex Education) vibes and I'm loving it so much 🥺
Love her😂😂😂
I’m definitely where you were. Especially being cautious about being bound to the wrong partner
Edit after watching:
I feel like you are in my mind lol. I would love to be a guardian and take part in raising adults and the way I have chosen to do that is through being present for the children in my life. I have honey to give now but not necessarily to my own child. I was raised by a village of guardians and rn I am loving being part of someone’s village of guardians and maybe if I choose to have a child of my own I may have similar communal practices with people who share my values.
I totally understand. I was 35 when I had my daughter and so glad my parents never were pressing or asking when I’m having a child. Being a mom and still being a sexual human being. Nobody says it from men. Matter of fact ppl think they are more desirable. I started watching your channel maybe last year and understanding being a single mom and still has desires.
I think I'm scared of being a mother as much I love my mom and she is wonderful mother/woman I just don't know if I can't really see myself taking care a human being. I'm scared losing myself while having kids.
Even when I was a kid, I never pictured myself as a parent. It just never really crossed my mind and when it occasionally did, it would make me cringe. The older I've gotten and the more aware of the world I've become, I am absolutely dead-set against having kids. Aside from that, there are also too many things wrong with me anyway. If the world was a better place, if I didn't have so many problems, and if I was a bit younger, I probably wouldn't be as opposed to having them. There are multitude of things that would have to be in place before I'd consider considering becoming a dad.
My mom had me when she was 35, I think because she was so mature and had lived her life, although all parents make mistakes, she is a single immigrant mother who had her struggles, but I have a pretty solid foundation. I do attribute a large chunk of that to the fact that she had me later in life.
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Love you Shan Shan, can relate to your reason for not wanting kids for sure! Blessings
When you said “back tf up” I felt that! People really need to mind their business!
I am very much like how Shannon was. I'm 33 years old and do not want children, never did. There are so many reasons as to why I do not want children, and at this point in my life, I still feel very strongly about that. I'm glad Shannon realized for herself that she wanted to be a mother and did not decide out of pressure or shame from society. Society expects that every woman should be pregnant at least once in their life, and we get shamed if we decide that pregnancy is not part of our purpose. I'm glad women (at least in American society) have the right to choose what to do with their bodies. It is great if a woman wants to become a mother and it should be great also if a woman chooses not to become a mother. Whether younger or older, we should celebrate a woman's choice. Congrats Shannon on YOUR choice to enter motherhood! I am so happy for you and Jared; your baby girl is very lucky to have you both :)
Fantastic comment..
I love children. The only way I'll have any will be through foster care or adoption. I decided that at 17 and now I'm closer to 40. Nice video topic.
This was a great conversation. I had my child at 21, dealt with mom shaming, being looked down upon because I didn’t get married and had a child out of wedlock...so pretty much, my sexual identity was not a priority. It was a necessity for me to prove that I can “mother” properly. The relationship with my child’s father didn’t work out, but I’m now in a relationship where I feel I can love and need to express that sexy side I once had...working on that. 🙏🏾
I find it interesting how you said that you didn't choose your partner based on how he would be like as a parent but simply for your own wishes of him as a partner by your side. Often times when parenthood becomes overwhelming for so many, they might develop this tendency to consistently blame themselves or their s/o for why *that* partner had to become or ended up becoming the other parent to their kids
I wanted 7-9 kids when I was in my teens. Then I decided in my twenties(early) that three would be okay. By 30 all I wanted was one...maybe. Once I turned 35, I was completely turned off by the idea of kids. Now that I'm 42, I'm glad I didn't have any of my own. I raised 3 non-bilogicals who are now very grown. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
All three solid reasons though!!! The last one hits though baby
Hey Shan,
I wanted to leave a comment because I really enjoyed your transparency and could relate a lot. I’m 30 and have been married almost 3 years now and both my husband and I have always wanted kids. However, as I’ve gotten older and experienced more life, I’m more cautious about when, for some of the same reasons you mentioned. I’m on a personal journey currently of self-love and self-acceptance and living in my purpose. I want to be as mentally and emotionally healthy as possible before I’m responsible for helping someone else find a confidence I don’t yet have. On top of that, I’m also not ready to sacrifice my body to bring life. I have to work very hard to stay in good shape and not knowing how my body will change is kind of terrifying. But all of that has made me okay with waiting to get pregnant and I’m grateful my husband is also not in a rush and respects where I am. So thanks again for sharing and I’m wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy!
you're such an impressive human. thank you for this video!
This was SO freaking helpful. I’m in my early 20s and have also gone back and forth on whether kids are an important part of my journey or not. I find myself analyzing parenting styles and skills to decide what my parental values would be and I feel it just instills fear that I won’t be able to provide all of the skills I’d want to offer a child. I feel that, as you said, with time and honey (or lack of), my decision will become easier. Thank you so much for this insight and added perspective!
this is beautiful. I’m currently in my early twenties and definitely in the phase of self discovery and finding my identity. not even close to thinking about kids in my life rn (although I think I want them eventually), but identity has been a big factor for me in romantic relationships and navigating sharing my life with somebody significant while still finding my own person. thank you for your transparency; this (and a ton of your other videos) help give me confidence for now and down the road!
Mama Shan! Love this video. Its such a great discussion to have. I'm fairly certain I don't want biological children because I don't feel morally right running the risk of passing on a lot of mental and physical health issues that have plagued my family every damn generation. Ive never been able to rely on my body, its always let me down or been in pain so I don't see it as being able to grow a healthy human. I do have a lot of extra love to give, though, so I think it's highly probable that I'll adopt or foster. Like it's kind of overflowing, I gotta direct it to somethin 😂 be it vocational career or a lil human. I also think I have one of the most special mothers in the world, and I'd love to pass on what she's taught me with my own little girl.
Finally I hear someone that feels the same way as I do. Why people want to be bonded to someone for life without being sure is crazy to me. People ask me don't you want kids. Of course but not with just anyone.
I cannot count how many people mostly women ask me what will I do with my boudoir modelling career once I choose to have kids. I could never understand why I had to give up something I loved and is part of my identity to be a mother. I believe that loving my sexual self and being confident with my body are part of a whole person. Having a child should not take something from your identity it should add to your identity. The mother is not a holy pure idol she's a multifaceted diverse human being well grounded in this world. Thank you so much for adding to this much needed conversation!
you're gonna be such an amazing mother. youre already the mom/big sister that over 600k people wish they had.
My first reason for not wanting kids is probably selfish, but after a very rough life I'm finally at a place where I can start doing things for myself and enjoying life. The second reason is I don't feel like I'm emotionally and mentally at a place that I can do that, I had a somewhat physical and mostly emotionally and mentally abusive childhood and it's been going on for generations and I don't want it to continue. I know what not to do but I'm still afraid of somehow accidentally continuing like my mom did. Plus family history of mental illness
Same! And they are totally valid reasons not to have children!
I'm 36, and just started taking Prenatal supplements and changed my diet in preparation of my husband and I trying for a baby next year. My biggest fear is that my attention span isn't long enough for kids, even though I love and want them so badly. I just want to give them everything and all of the love and wisdom they need.
I’m 31 and in the maybe bucket. I was at hell no until I met my partner. Now I’m working my way towards knowing myself and loving what I do. Maybe I’ll get to hell yes similarly to you. No matter what, I’m always open with my partner about it and he’s been amazing.
i’ve always been the young girl now young woman that wanted a big family (7 kids at the most), but now that i’m older the desire for wanting that many children has changed a lot. not only because of financial reasons, but mainly because I see too many women in my personal life having to take on the role of working AND mostly taking care of their children (always being the one to bathe them, change their diapers and/or clothe them, read stories to them, fix their food, cook, etc.) while their bf/baby daddy/husbands only work and do the bare minimum of taking care of their children. it’s more to raising your children than just working (this is MY opinion).
i know every woman or household is different when it comes to those things, but for me personally, i hope it is 50/50 between my future husband and I.
i have other reasons, but overall, the lack of partnership in raising children SEEMS to be too common & that’s why I’m honestly grateful I do not have children yet. timing is everything and I thank God for protecting me when i was being careless & thinking I wanted children at the time i did.
That’s how it is for me and I don’t even have kids yet. Just two cats. I do the majority of the cleaning yet we both work ft.
So, i'm 22. i knew at 12 i didn't want kids because i didn't like how my mom didn't recover from childbearing (she has three kids in total). in particular, the weight. i realize from watching my mom that i stood firmly in deciding to be childfree. also, as kid my emotional world was really not the best, and i'm still learning how to express myself and allow others to do the same.
the biggest question i'm grappling with is why is this such a big deal, why do i feel pressured to answer this question so early, and why do we put an emphasis on having kids. i definitely enjoy being child-free. i want to differentiate between a soul desire for kids and a physical desire to have kids. because the biggest thing for me is not regretting it. the child will feel me regretting their existence, and that's not something i'd want to project onto them. thanks for sharing this video.
I’ll be 36 in October and I definitely spent my 20s on the same wave as you. I’m now changing all my dirty lifestyle habits in order to reverse my insulin resistance & start my TTC journey. 🥴
Damn girl. I'm 29 yrs old and to this day I still say I'm not sure if I'll ever have kids. All the fears you shared I battle with myself. I also question my ability to split my time between work, motherhood, self care, love for my partner etc. The way you have come full circle and the way you have remained open to change and yet stayed true to yourself is inspiring to me. I always say I don't close myself to the idea of having children but I lean more towards no. I want a relationship that doesn't unite us because of the children but because of us. Thanks for sharing ❤
Laaaawwwddddd you are such a stunning woman both inside and out! Articulate, intelligent and beautiful! Nuff love from Jamaica. Also, I love the necklace. Where is it from?
I enjoyed this so much! I recently found your RUclips and I’ve been binging 😅 I agree with the points you made and I honestly wish more people would at LEAST think about having a good partner to raise a child with before they void protection
I love being a mom. I will say being a mom makes realize a lot of things! Not everyone is cut out for being a mom !
Your ability to explain things as thorough as you do, makes any conversation regardless of the topic... worth watching :) Research and Professionalism at its finest!
Every pregnancy video makes me emotional because I’m so happy that you guys are so happy lol
Yes!!! I am 34 and I dont expect to have one until 36 because like you spoke about I want to be a happy healthy well rounded individual who could give so much more to them.
I don’t know how to explain how I feel so I’ll just ramble on: I’m very appreciative of your presence online, and your well rounded view and openness to learning and growing as well as teaching those that follow you just by sharing your experiences. I came to the realization while watching your video that I have work to do, because your glow is real and your happiness is infectious. I watch your videos and feel inspired by your glimpses into your life and seeing you thriving so much. You really are an inspiration Shan and thank you for sharing your love and light. ♥️😭
@26: I knew I wanted a child (just one) eventually. I got into the relationship I’m in now and through some really tough times, I was pregnant once. I made a tough decision after long discussions and I think a lot of fear that right then wasn’t the right time. Decision made, I had to move on but even now, even with the wild ride my life’s been so far, it was the right decision at the time.
Now @30: I’ve had one surgery that caused me to have to have an ovary removed. I’ve always believed in my body. It warns me, it tells me when I need to treat it better, it lets me know when I’m feeling great...I believe in my body and how in tune I am with it, but of course there’s always that fear. I still want one child, now more than I have in awhile. I’m sure my body is capable, but it still scares me at times that maybe I won’t be able to carry. I’m still going to believe in my body, and do everything to support it to make sure that I can. I haven’t started trying yet, I think I have some healing emotionally to do before I can give my child honey, but I’m hoping to start.
Question: I have but one question that I ask myself everyday. Am I ready to raise a child that has a childhood they don’t have to heal from? ♥️♥️ Anyways...Thank you Shan for being you.
'I'm I ready to raise a child that has a childhood they don't have to heal from?' 😩😩 Wow wow wow!!! This is such a powerful question!!!! Got me thinking so deeply. Woww
I never wanted kids EVER. Terrified of the thought. My partner and I are talking about it. He really wants kids. Same age gap and as you and your hubby. I’m really glad I found your channel. #kindred
UPDATE: 6/24/21 Since posting this I’m now married and a mom of a 5 week old baby girl and I’m glad that I went through with this motherhood journey and still grateful that I found this channel.
Thank you so much for this. Currently terrified of regretting having children but I couldn’t ask for a more supportive partner than I have now, which helps a lot.
You are absolutely right!I've had that same worry before I had my son earlier the month. I didnt want to lose my individuality and my identity as a person independent form having a child. I didnt want to give up my youthful fun loving self to put on a more serious, subdued persona. I didnt want to be like other women who have had kids and completely changed, devoting their entire self to being a mother and nothing else subsequently cutting off themselves from the entire world. I waited till I was 31 to have children and now having experienced motherhood and how challenging it is I would not have changed a thing. My views remain very much the same.
1) You are stunning and so smart.
2) I’m 28 and I’ve been thinking more about wanting to have kids recently. This was very inspiring and a thoughtful way of looking at things. It made me proud of the time I’m taking on the journey I’m taking too.
3) Thank you for being you.
Thank you for being honest. We all go through these moments.
Still in my early twenties and I maintain what I decided when I was in my teens. If I have a child then I move forward with them because that is what's written in my destiny. I have not tied my identity or success to having children, neither do I feel particularly drawn to the idea. I leave room for change.
She’s so intellectually emotionally secure and understanding of herself....it’s amazing
I loveee the idea of honey and especially that you’re sharing you’ve just recently gotten to this place. I’m only 24 and so devoted to self improvement (and am now a therapist) and I am so so hard on myself that I still have so many insecurities. I feel frustrated that I’m not this person I want to be. And I feel frustrated watching strong powerful women who I strongly admire, and wonder how they got there and if I could ever get there. It really sets as a reminder that even confident women like you had a journey to get there, and I still have so much time!!! Thank you for all of these raw conversations and opening up your life to us
Girl I’m 36 and I don’t know either. Im single so maybe it will never happen.
Watch to the end (or skip to it) I discuss why I’m glad I waited and woulda kept waiting happily
It,s just becouse you haven,t find the right Person it,s that simple
I,m a 31 years old single men
@@habtezgigebreysus2666 bullshit.
Once the right person comes along you may think differently
Shan BOODY i watched it till the end. This was so good. The analogy you gave about Milk and Honey will stay with me FOREVER. I honestly never thought about it like that before. I am much like you. Not sure about kids really either. It was always me first. Depending on how I feel mentally, emotionally and financially. But with the right guy I think it would help. Lots to think about. Thank you for this honest and very special video. 😁
Speaking my whooooolllle truth right now!!! At 33, I'm just now beginning to find my peace and understanding in who I am and have become. It's common that my mother, who had me at 33, comments on if or when I'm having kids or going to be in a stable relationship etc etc and honestly, its abusive emotionally in a sense. However, knowing that I am secure in the fact that I haven't had children yet and my reasons why...you just spoke every bit of it. Thank you for that validation Shan.
My mother told me once that being a mother was her greatest accomplishment in life and it honestly scared me. People are so flawed and it’s hard for me to imagine putting that much energy into another human. Sounds crazy and selfish I know, but I want my greatest accomplishments in life to be the places I’ve traveled to, my character etc.
those are considered hobbies or self-development, but when you're ready to experience a pure form of God, the highest form of Love, you get that by becoming a mother. There's no greater love like it!
I’m 23 and I can’t wait to be a mom. It’s something I’ve wanted since I was very young, so it’s really interesting to hear different perspectives on motherhood and womanhood in general. I’m happy for you Shan, and I think it’s great that you came to this selfless decision in your own time. So excited to (virtually) meet your daughter!