So true. Most times when I am like that I want to be left alone, but that can get discouraging, to say the least, in a relationship. Maybe a note of kind words and honestly telling that you are worried may help. It may not seem like it at first but they may come to appriciate it later.
@@flynnrider4544 I'm not like that unless you really push me. It sounds more like it is just best to give him space... Then again you can only do that for so long. 😖. Sorry you are both going through this😟💋
@@angellamurray7572 same with me my partner has deppression he has an anger probs.. He scream and call me bad names.infront of our children. Im tired of listening and understand him... He wants to fight everyday..
This resonates tremendously. My partner is going through a serious depression over work and career. While they express a genuine desire to not bring me (and the relationship) down with the ship, there is still this “parallel experience” that inevitably forms. I had been thinking of that recently, but you helped me put it into words. Sort of like trying to save a drowning person, it’s easy to get pulled under. When you love someone, it’s such a fragile balance between keeping your partner safe while also keeping yourself safe.
@Black Knight Fool I'm having a hard time understanding what you mean..im sure part of it it's because English is not my first language. I'd love if you could elaborate a bit more? I myself have a very different opinion on her compared to other people..
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Don’t get ‘ angry at the power of the powerless’ - something to keep front of mind when living with a partner prone to periods of depression. Wise woman Esther.
And take good care of yourself. Don't dive into the depression with your partner. Talk to good friends about how you feel. If you are happy, don't hide it, you have the right to be yourself in your own house, just like your partner. Take a walk to breath fresh air. Love your partner and yourself and be present! I remember my partner said: "Why do you sing while I am depressed?" We both have the right to express what we feel. After the depression my partner told me she was glad that I stayed stable and happy in that period. She could be herself and I could be myself. Keep on breathing...
Great advice, thank you! On a practical note, I believe you also need to prioritise taking good care of your own needs by doing activities you like and spending time with friends who are not depressed. Being with a depressed partner can easily drain you emotionally- you need to keep recharging your own batteries in order to not get depressed yourself.
But my depressed partner feeld bad each time I meet friends without her, I almost meet noone anymore just to prevent her from feeling bad, while emotionally I'm drained by taking care of her and she is cold to me a lot, as if she's not appreciating all the things I'm doing for her
@@gaodacheese4691 I hope its better now! Im in the exact same position where I’m totally exhausted and I try so hard and she is so cold against me and we have actually broken up many time. But I love her so much but I think the right thing is maybe to take a step back and let her deal with herself. I don’t really know what to do
Basically, like drunks and addicts, you can't force them; they have got to want, and I mean want, to change. The best you can do is to facilitate by been there and by been positive (all without been judgmental or appearing judgmental (not easy)).
Part of being depressed is feeling powerless, so yeah, you can't help them much because if you do it only reinforces how powerless they already feel. Support is good though, but not doing things flthey need to do by themselves
You can be supportive emotionally, say you are there. But you don't have to be a sponge for all their problems. Remember their vitality is broken, so you can't do things for them. Instead, be present with what they are feeling in that moment, don't tell them to feel better, but follow with I understand that (their words reworded) and suggest they get professional help. Don't become their life managers. Saying this as someone who has been depressed before. Emotional support, not life advice.
After you're in a LTR and you need to process/change some part of ypurself--'you dont even know what really, but something isnt feeling right. But your partner wants you to be your normal happy self and fears you're thinking about leaving them. This is when the partner must have faith in tve other to do whats needed to evolve. Regardless of the outcome, which is unknown. But if you love them you want them to heal, not return to how they were so you'll be happy. Trust encompasses more than monogamy. It includes personal integrity and continual evolution. Expansion. And love trusts that process. To try to fix or suggest is disrespectful. To be present and show empathy is your place. Take care of yourself and allow them to do the same.
@Black Knight Fool I think you misunderstood something. She didn't say the partner shouldn't be monogamous. She said being a good partner is MORE than just being sexually faithful. I'm not even sure if this is the part you misunderstood.
Very true. I love my husband dearly but it's hard to not set-off. Sometimes even when I'm receptive to a conversation anything can trigger me and I watch my anger go from 0-100% for such petty things. I think the best thing I've done for both of us is to make sure we both get therapy. This way I can get better and hopefully he doesn't get emotionally scarred forever with this depressed version of me.
@@joybanks That last sentence of yours reminds me of a woman I once dated a couple of years ago. She used to tell me not to stay on with her because I would get sucked into her life and it would drain me out. That wasn't why we stopped dating, though. She was a wonderful woman.
Joy Banks both get therapy what an insult you take ownership for your abusive behaviour or leave him without divorce raping him and allow him to meet some he can be happy with. Remember domestic violence is also suffered by me to ....yeah
I think the tension and frustration in a romantic relationship where one person regularly has depression comes from one partner feeling like they are carrying much of the weight alone. If someone is both in a relationship (maybe even has a family) and also has depression, they have to seek professional help and allow their partner to be emotionally supportive. I apologise for the analogy but it's kind of like alcoholics or drug addicts - they have a disease they feel powerless against, but if they show the desire to fight it, the partner also then feels the desire to stand by your side. But if you stand by someone's side, while they're going through something and not allowing anyone to help, and then you're left with all the weight of the practical life, then it can definitely get frustrating, painful and exhausting.
This describes my situation exactly. And all the focus goes to the “depressed” spouse and none to the one who is picking up the load for 2 people, who is struggling severely
i’m gonna be honest. i’ve been in this cycle for a couple weeks and i just didn’t know what to do. this video explained exactly how i was feeling and it helped me figure out what to do within 4 minutes. that’s crazy. thank you thank you
That's actually good advice. I'd add that from the depressed person perspective; the impression (real or perceived) of dragging loved ones with them only feed the depression. It may lead to deliberate isolation and break-ups as an attempt to spare their loved ones.
Great piece of wisdom as always. In my experience both as the depressed and as the other, we all have to go through these by ourselves. The other people can provide some guidance but they can't "lift" or "fix" us. The depression is there, it has it's own cause and it will go away eventually once we process what we need to process. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be there for your partner, to be a stable and calm presence, to help them keep afloat, take care of the practicalities to make sure they have everything they need to go through it (food, cleaning, etc.) and of course be a source of sanity for the acute moments. This means you also have to take care of yourself and make sure you get what you need to stay strong. In my experience this is the best help one can offer. It means above all that you trust their ability to go through it by themselves which is very important, especially in those moments when they even doubt it themselves.
What happened when the depressed partner won't let you do any of those things? But shuts you out? No communication? no attention? I couldn't deal with it anymore.
@@girliegray3081 I'm so sorry to hear that. I ended up breaking up with mine because I couldn't take it anymore. And when he did get back in touch with me, he was controlling :(
@@anthonysuriano8128 sorry, I didn't see this til now. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I broke up with him. What made it worse is that after he didn't talk to me for several weeks, he started accusing me of chatting w his male friend behind his back (his male friend who's MARRIED). Crazy control stuff. I broke up with him :(
I guess im doing good. Went from not talking, to talking to me, to doing small activities like going on a walk. I took my wifes silence and wanting not to talk as cries for help, that she is not good enough. I even made her laugh today. Its baby steps and positive reinforcement that helps the most.
This is altogether great advice and I'd like to emphasise the 'tell them they have not always been like this'. Still after years I remember my best friend telling me how, no, I was not always sad, closed and scared and that it will come back, and I still remember my family member telling me I'd been a cheerful child. It elevated some of my panick and gave me this light of hope, was really, really precious. I hope it's clear it was not a complain or a fight, it was a reality check for a very desperate person.
OH MY GOD this made me feel so understood and so validated. The guilt and helplessness is BIG for me because growing up i was my mothers emotional caretaker, she pit all her problems on me and expected me to solve them. So thats my natural response now is to try to fix it, or i feel worthless, like i am failing in my only purpose in life. Thank you for this video. My only complaint is that it wasnt longer! You have so much wisdom.
Absolutely true... I have been on this path and realized how futile my Helpful and incessant pleads were. Resentment and parallel depression was the result and that was killing our relationship...🥰 All I had to do is stand there in love, support and empathy and free myself from being entrapped.. thank you
I can't thank you enough for sharing this knowledge. I've been in a situation like this and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and why most of my attempts to find a way to help my partner failed. And it's as simple as you explained: You're not the one who can fix them, yet you can be there to remind them they're loved and important, encouraging them to seek professional help and not give up. Once again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
@ALEXIS CATALINA are you trying to suggest wrong things to people? Who knows what these hackers do to their phones? They can access both of their phone's and access other details.
As I totter towards the incredible age of 60, having suffered with depression my whole life, I would give an arm for a partner who would just stand by me. I know enough now to realise that they must have their own life & interests, there must be times when they can get away from me (especially when I'm in the pit), to get out and have some fun without guilt. If someone would make sure I have some simple easily digestible food before they leave, and then when they come back. I promise that when I climb out again (and I will) I'll want you to share what you've been doing, be happy for your triumphs and commiserate on your losses. One of the things I like best about myself is that I can express happiness for the happiness of others. Even if I don't actually feel it at the time, I can say "I'm so happy for you, I'm glad life is going well for you."
Yes very good advice, and it require a lot of strenght and decipline to carry out. Boundaries is key, but to my limited experience people with depression sometimes really whant's you to be a loyal companion and they see it as a act of love if you also get depressed together with them. I found depression difficult, because it is not just one person beeing extreamly low. Sometimes that person uses this "power of weakness" to controll you, more or less consious. For me it was a que to get out. That is toxic and destructive especially if the person not is seaking professional help.
Great and simple advice. Thank you! And above all else, do not tell a depressed person to get over themselves; just snap out of it; or, “smile”! I know, because I have struggled with depression, and have been told these things before.
Excellent advice ! I say this while I myself am the depressed one.. I do need dear people close but not to choke me. Also, I do feel better seeing others caring for me, but I cannot snap out of it just like that. I need time, during which I very slowly get better, but it doesn't show on the outside as much. Having someone near is a great help, only one should not get hasty or angry as you said!
This is the best advice that I found. Thanks so much I wish someone told me this when I was growing up around mental illness. I also would suggest going to codependency groups which help a lot to break the pattern 😊
Thank you Esther for your efforts to assist others. Everything you discuss can be summed up easily. Humans are very Selfish & Petty. Humans need to discover TRUE CHARITY for each other. Especially Couples or Married Couples. With TRUE CHARITY the Pettiness is Eliminated and BLISS is Discovered. I have been married to the same wonderful person for 50 years. And we overcame being PETTY. We Care About each other and TOGETHER we overcome all Obstacles. I am in LOVE with the same 18 year old person I married 50 years ago. And as you have mentioned in many of your videos; when the Going Gets Tough, WE Overcome with SPONTANEOUS TENDERNESS. Thank You again for your efforts to assist other find HAPPINESS in their Relationships.
I told him tht im always be bside him that we love him,and we cn move forward tht if other people can ,so he can too.That he can express himself and solve the problem 1 step forward abd we seek for professional help.And no matter what i wont leave him and will gonna solve it together and look forward for our future ahead..
This is helpful. I’ve been going through a hard time emotionally for months and finally opened up to my partner about it a few days ago. He was so surprised because I’ve been happy and smiling. I explained that I didn’t want to burden him and was hoping that I would work things out myself. Speaking to him has been helpful, whilst he doesn’t have the answers, he is a great listener.
That’s good. The statement of simple but not simple makes sense. I see how easy it is to try to fix something one isn’t meant to fix. Be present, encouraging.
ALEXIS CATALINA I would say absolute trust doesn’t even really exist. Its possibly a matter of Symantec’s. Trust to______. That’s the thing to understand. The word usually precedes an expectation of an action or behavior of someone else. To do or behave as expected. Having a proper expectation has so much to do with our own happiness.
So so good advice, the last thing i want when i am depressed is someone judging me, blaming me, trying to make me do stuff, giving advice. It just creates so much more tension. I feel like i need space, to get myself out of that, myself, because when i achieve something myself i feel empowered, even when it's a little day to day stuff. And i need the presence and understanding from my partner, encouragement would be great, but my partner is just not there right now. Took me some time to figure out what i need when i am depressed, now i am trying to teach my partner what to do. It is a journey, but it will get better over time.
Thank to you, finally I changed, also my perspective changed about my relationship. I thought before me and my husband had bad comunication, bad relationship and i had to accept that. Now I realize, I had unpractical and impossible expectations about myself, my husband and our relatioship. Also my depression has gone now and I'm ready to begin a new relationship with all my milieu. Love you
Wow. It is the same that is happening to me. I do feel helpless. It is exactly the same you saying. I tried to tell him to go for help and I feel like saying that it is a offense. And it is taking a lot of my energy. One day is good. Next day it is bad. One day can love me. Next day saying the our relations it is what bringing him down because of distance. It’s been like that 4 years. Thank you for your video. It explained how I am feeling.
Great advice! I'd love a practical example of what that kind of support looks like.. I struggling with not getting trapped into the back and forth feeling of helplessness and suggestions not being acted on.
How to be emotionally present ? What am I supposed to do I do every thing in my power and to tell you I'm in LDR with him but suggest me guys ? Anything would do just tell me
@@radhikaHOLK being emotionally present means emotional self awareness, being open & vulnerable, demonstrating empathy or validating other peoples feelings, actively listening, snd being "engaged" when someone is speaking
Hi Esther, what a great response to this question. As someone that is experiencing depression now I thank you. I'm doing my best to overcome this in time, but I know its been hard on everyone that cared about me and tried to help me. Notice I said past-tense as in "cared" and "tried". Those loved ones are no longer part of my life because relationships often suffer when there's chronic illness over a significant period of time. People lose patience, and all the things you mentioned. There are not enough supports available it seems and then too much pressure is put on our loved ones in terms of supporting us, but they're not trained to help and sympathy only goes so far. Compassion is where its at, but the problem is that many of us have forgotten how to cultivate compassion within ourselves first so that we can offer it to others. Depression is not a choice but some of us that are living with it often feel like we get blamed for choosing depression, maybe because we don't recover on someone else's timeline (or even our own timeline). And its an isolating time in one's life, which is a time when they might most need the right kind of support. It's complicated, like Esther said. Thanks again for this video Esther:)
As the partner of a depressed man who tries to push me away and goes thru these things so often I wonder if it's an excuse to get out of the relationship which really makes him mad but I have insecurities too and not depression so I can't fully understand what that feeling of being a burden to someone else is. I also just want to share how annoying and hurtful it is when he will say you deserve better and I can't continue to let you down. I know what I deserve and it's him in my life. And the feeling bad, sure I've expressed anger and upset at not being able to spend the with this person but that other stufff he pits on himself and then somehow I'm left with the shit end of the stick. It's not easy to be understanding when you have needs and desires too. And I've been reading alot lately how depressed people often lose their feelings for everyone and everything, well that's just great..what am I supposed to do with that. So unfair.
Search for two videos: 1.I had a black dog, his name was depression 2.Living with a black dog From the World Health Organization. They are really informative.
I listened to it twice. I went exactly through this. But I am not sure if I have what it takes to be the right partner for a person in depression. It sucks the energy. Not that I am perfect either.
I used to listen to this amazing person last 2 months too much when I was about to start relationship, now I don't feel like I need to since I've choosed to stay alone 😶
Thank you for this video, great wisdome. I dont feel angry with my partner at all. I sort of understand what he is going through. It is hard to feel love towards yoursel when you are depressed, and even more difficult to love someone else. You slowly withdraw your feelings from your partner and you avoid discussing any sort of problems but you let it explode. If yyou have the right partner in your life, you are lucky, because they will give space when you need it and be there when you need them. Work on yourself man, no other way to get out of this. Remember the good times together, and what made you happy before. It will be fine, don't give up on yourself or on your spouse bro. Sending lots of love to those who need it. You can do it! 🙌
Thank you for this, Esther. It's what I've been feeling lately when talking with my SO. She's clinically depressed and what you described is exactly what I am going through. It helps hearing it summed up in brief.
Thank you, Esther, for your insight and eloquence! I have been the depressed one and the partner trying to lift up the depressed one. Your description of the parallel process that occurs when we try too hard to “fix” someone is so right on. I love how you think. 💕💕💕
Take no decisions when you are in a depression. Healthy food, sunshine, vitamin D3, and loving kindness. Counseling is necessary. I have a bipolar son. He learned me What it means "unconditional love". He became a lawyer, against all odds.
I had a friendship like this in college. The girl had a slew of issues including depression and low self-esteem. She often allowed men to take advantage of her in hopes they would end up with feelings for her. Instead, she would come out more hurt and damaged. Ultimately, I would be the one picking up the pieces (or trying... or so it felt like...). Personality- wise, we were polar opposites. I was focused on school first, then friends, and never boys or partying etc. I couldn't understand why she was purposely hurting herself and I kept suggesting her things to do. She would mostly just take my advice and be like "thats stupid it wont work". I started to get frustrated that she would keep complaining about the same thing while continuing the same patterns and not listening to anything I said. The relationship quickly took on a very negative role in my life at the time. I would feel helpless over her state, while simultaneously angry that she refused to do anything about it or at least take my help. I also felt like she only reached out to me when shit hit the fan. I was not the fun friend to hang and spend time with anymore. I was the responsible one who fixed shit. While I didn't mind being in that role, I resented how it made me feel. I remember one day she said "You're mean to me but its okay because I love you". I was so shocked by how fucked up that statement was. I said, "if you really believe that then I don't give a fuck if that person is me, you shouldn't be with them". Whether she was right or wrong, I always ended up feeling like a terrible person when I was with her. Even after that day, the "friendship" continued on and off for another 2 years. I knew one day we would no longer be friends so I remember always telling her, "Even if we are no longer friends one day, I want you to know that if you need help you can always call me. I will be there for you". At this point, we haven't spoken in a few years and while it still hurts I know its probably for the best.
The power of the powerless 🤯👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Mindblowing concept! I needed to hear those words. I’ve been going through such a situation with a family member... and in 2 minutes Esther just brought clarity to a lot of confusion. Merci!
Sometimes I feel some "depressed" like to see how others are struggling to help and suggest stuff just to see you come down form your high horse! It took me long time to realize that I try to help because I hate to see them sad, and they hated to see me happy....
How did this video make me cry in only 2mins? This right hear is my boyfriend and I 100%. I always try to fix things because that's how I am myself and that's how I was brought up, to reflect, focus, then move. But, he's not like that... this really helped me refocus my approach, so thank you~
A wife, who has clinical level depression comes to her husband, desperate for help, miserable, at the end of her rope, and he says to her: "what the f**kdo you want me to do about it?" That is not appropriate, to say the least, she felt as if she had been slapped across the face. That's what you get when you support your partner but they are incapable of supporting you in return. Two Years before, the husband was crippled by anxiety, unable to leave the house for 3 days. The wife didn't know what to do or say. She put her arms around him, held him as he sobbed. Made therapy appointments and went with him. When the roles were reversed, he was pissed that his wife bothered him with her issues. Some people suck and have no compassion for others.
@@ayeshak6822 Pretty clear to me. She supports her husband through crippling anxiety. He dismissed and is angry about her wanting support with her depression.
G Schneider if that’s you I hope you get help. ❤️ Support is great, but not up to spouses or family to fix someone. Therapist will help figure things out. If it’s not you, then nobody fully knows what goes on in relationship. Maybe the husband has no compassion or is still recovering. Maybe wife’s depression is too much of a reminder for him and he feels overwhelmed and isn’t coping well. Judging is not helpful.
@@magspies That man was my ex husband. He became manipulative and abusive after that. I did not see a therapist at first because I thought I could handle things myself. What started off as postpartum depression morphed into something else after I went back to work. After my husband became abusive the depression stayed around for over a decade. No counselor in the world can help someone who doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior. I knew him very well after 20 years....no judgement, just facts. I didn't expect him to "fix me" or the situation, maybe give me a hug and tell me it would all be OK....I gave all of myself and got nothing in return. Now engaged to a wonderful man who treats me as a partner, and has shown me love and respect like I've never experienced before. The point I was trying to make with my original post, was that all I wanted was someone to support me hug me love me tell me it was all going to be okay exactly what Esther said in her video. I understand a partner feeling helpless when their spouse or loved one is that clinical level of depressed they feel helpless themselves and I get that. But there is no reason to get angry to the point at swearing at the person and being angry and pissed off. From my experience it pushed me further away from him and I shut up the minute he told me that. I literally stopped speaking and would not tell him about my problems any longer because it was clear to me that he didn't give a shit. It was the Beginning of the end of our marriage. A slow death for sure.
I would like to dare to add, if you are the one with depression, please do find professional help. I made the mistake of thinking my partner could and should be my support in everything. They are not psychologists, and would not know how to help you. (Unless they are.) Don't put that burden on a layman, you might ruin your relationship.
I am so thankful I found this. Knowing that how I feel, what I do is a common thing in many relationships and learning how to still help without drowning myself is a huge relief. Thank you so much.🙌
Also see a psychologist if you don't understand what's going on or if you love them but don't know how to help. Especially if your better half has chronic depression. My ex left me because he wouldn't understand that I was in a downward spiral and his most common remark was "You can't see things so gloomy 24/7". I had suicidal tendencies when he left me. A year later (now), seeing a psychiatrist/psychotherapist and diligently taking my medication, I still don't understand why he didn't do anything to help me. I can't understand why some people lack basic empathy and, although they say/believe they love you, they do absolutely nothing to prove it.
I love her thoughts. She's more beautiful & graceful everytime I see her in a video. I'm glad she used her own experience here. 💪 Here's my thoughts. Being in a melechony state isn't wrong to go through from time to time. It's just an undesirable feeling of doom that's can feel bothersome within that particular season. But it's a two sided coin that most of humanity will experience. I believe the peaks & valleys are required to keep us relatable to others. No one's exempt. Surrending to what's needed in that particular state will yield results. Look back and reflect. Win. Win. Purpose. ;)
Thank you Esther. I think this is something I'm going to try in business also, with my clients, students and mentees. Your advice is always so powerful and creates positive change in my life, thank you
Thankyou so much , its hard atm I'm in a long distance relationship and I was getting ready to move over when she opened up to me about some personal family issues and I understand and respect her boundaries, I needed this video thankyou so much
no, when you love someone you feel exactly what they feel. when you have a partner who is regularly depressed they don't care about your help... they are just depressed. the problem with having a depressed partner is that they make us depressed too, they suck the life out of us. so if we are truly committed to a depressed person the problem is 'how can i cope with this person who sucks the life out of me and makes me feel depressed?. every day. of my life, how can i be happy with them?' i think this is the biggest dilema in marriage. depression has become the norm now and people don't feel the need to change. you love them but they are unbearably depressing as people and they pollute your environment with thier mood. every day.
That's right...my husband was depressed and I loved him so much, tried to move mountains to help him, but he didn't want to help himself. I ended up so drained, miserable, lonely....my love and my efforts ment nothing to him..He was locked up in his dark world, seeing only bad and evil. He died in car accident. Now my opinion is that these two worlds can not mix. If someone steps from light into darkness the only solution is professional treatment. Personal effort of partner is not the way to fight this beast.
Thank You Esther Perel' I'm Wondering Why We Dont Actually Teach Social and Relational Healthy Mental Health' in Public School's? We Have 12 Years To Do That?-And That Would Decrease The Problems Associated With The lack of Understandings and Subsequent Problems That Causes In The Society That They Are Moving Into and So To Make Better Parents Aswell!? '\😶/' Blessings Always To You' You Are Such a Beautiful Spirit and Person! Thank Again' For Your Priceless Insight!⛅🌈
A woman I’ve been dating for 3 months, her aunt recently died and now she’s pushed me away entirely. She pinged me with a text last week, but I have no idea what’s happening next. Ball is in her court. I feel so bad for her. I’m praying for her and Lord willing she will return.
before we broke up he told me that because he was going through a hard time he couldn’t even meet the basic needs in a relationship but he also told me that he didn’t want to break up with me because i was a good and supportive gf. the day we broke up he said that he was feeling pressured every time i told him i love you.. when i didn’t really demand him to say it back and i said it a couple of times a week.. i know he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style but it was really hard for me dealing with that kind of person + him being depressed… he has lots of unsolved trauma and lots of stress.. + me being an empath really hurt me because i could feel how he was screaming for help even though he didn’t really ever complain about his situation. i tried my best but some how being in a secure relationship stressed him out and he pushed me away when i never said anything hurtful nor reacted with anger at his unnecessary irritability. it’s hard to get over him because i know how hard his life is rn and it makes me sad that he pushes away people that care about him
You can't save people only they can save themselves. Your urge to change them is because of your own discomfort and compulsion to manipulate the situation to your liking. Take them as they are and sit there with reality don't try to manipulate it. Say a few things carefully but leave it at that. You cannot change or save other people it is their journey and their life.
Dear Mam , you have really simplify the conversation code . Its phenomenal for any kind of relationships . A Lot to learn from you. Thank you inspiring and solving the morden age issues .
And how long are you meant to just sit there and watch them struggle to overcome depression on their own terms? When/where do you draw a line between being supportive/non-judgemental and staying sane amidst their battles?
@@rosinekabahire4468 Exactly! We need an answer! I particularly feel like I'm waiting for a bus, having places to go but the bus never arrives... 8.5 years later I'm still here: still waiting for the bus, still having places to go... How much more should a person wait? :(
I waited as long as I could before I left, he immediately got his shit together, found a new house, a new job and a glittering circle of friends, within a couple of months. That was 13 years ago now. We're still really close friends and I love him dearly, but goddammit I spent a long time and a lot of money supporting him, when I could have saved us both a lot of heartache if I'd acted sooner.
In your own time. I love you. Depression, it seems like it must feel like there aren't enough tanks, not enough in the tanks to overcome it, out there. I'm not sure when or how but I'm sure there will be solution or someone will come up with a solution and depression that sets in, will be a thing of the past, and also, if depression sets in, there will be a way to actually reverse it or neutralise it.
My husband was fired from him job 4 days ago. He has ignored me since then. I asked him why he has pulled away and he said he feels like a failure and that I’d be better off without him. Our relationship is blah suffering because of his reaction to stress, not the actual stress itself. It’s a similar pattern I’ve been noticing with him. I don’t know what to say or do other than just pull away myself. I’m so exhausted with this behavior pattern.
Depression can be expressed as irritability and anger - thats hard to just be around without reacting yourself.
So true. Most times when I am like that I want to be left alone, but that can get discouraging, to say the least, in a relationship. Maybe a note of kind words and honestly telling that you are worried may help. It may not seem like it at first but they may come to appriciate it later.
My partner has deppression
He has anger issue. Screem on me call me names front of our kids.
I deal with this everyday from the father of my children and its very tiring and sad...its like im a hamster in wheel..😭😭😭
@@flynnrider4544 I'm not like that unless you really push me. It sounds more like it is just best to give him space... Then again you can only do that for so long. 😖. Sorry you are both going through this😟💋
@@angellamurray7572 same with me my partner has deppression he has an anger probs.. He scream and call me bad names.infront of our children. Im tired of listening and understand him... He wants to fight everyday..
This resonates tremendously. My partner is going through a serious depression over work and career. While they express a genuine desire to not bring me (and the relationship) down with the ship, there is still this “parallel experience” that inevitably forms. I had been thinking of that recently, but you helped me put it into words. Sort of like trying to save a drowning person, it’s easy to get pulled under. When you love someone, it’s such a fragile balance between keeping your partner safe while also keeping yourself safe.
What did u end up doing
Hi, I am in the same predicament. Did u stay or let go
Do not become Angry at the power of the powerless for not doing what you tell them to do. Wow. Great Advice.
@Black Knight Fool I'm having a hard time understanding what you mean..im sure part of it it's because English is not my first language. I'd love if you could elaborate a bit more? I myself have a very different opinion on her compared to other people..
@@leonaa123 I speak English. That person is simply miserable.
@@tlang3548 thank you 😄
These are spells cast to work out problems that are surrounding a romantic relationship. Therefore if you are having problems in your relationship or marriage these are spells that will work for you.
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Don’t get ‘ angry at the power of the powerless’ - something to keep front of mind when living with a partner prone to periods of depression. Wise woman Esther.
Can someone explain the exact clear meaning of power of the powerless with an example?
And take good care of yourself. Don't dive into the depression with your partner. Talk to good friends about how you feel. If you are happy, don't hide it, you have the right to be yourself in your own house, just like your partner. Take a walk to breath fresh air. Love your partner and yourself and be present! I remember my partner said: "Why do you sing while I am depressed?" We both have the right to express what we feel. After the depression my partner told me she was glad that I stayed stable and happy in that period. She could be herself and I could be myself. Keep on breathing...
Great advice, thank you!
On a practical note, I believe you also need to prioritise taking good care of your own needs by doing activities you like and spending time with friends who are not depressed. Being with a depressed partner can easily drain you emotionally- you need to keep recharging your own batteries in order to not get depressed yourself.
i know.. that's how i feel rn
But my depressed partner feeld bad each time I meet friends without her, I almost meet noone anymore just to prevent her from feeling bad, while emotionally I'm drained by taking care of her and she is cold to me a lot, as if she's not appreciating all the things I'm doing for her
@@gaodacheese4691 I hope its better now! Im in the exact same position where I’m totally exhausted and I try so hard and she is so cold against me and we have actually broken up many time. But I love her so much but I think the right thing is maybe to take a step back and let her deal with herself. I don’t really know what to do
its not easy helping a depressed person
She basically said to NOT try and help, just be there.
Basically, like drunks and addicts, you can't force them; they have got to want, and I mean want, to change. The best you can do is to facilitate by been there and by been positive (all without been judgmental or appearing judgmental (not easy)).
Graeme SYDNEY it’s not easy, but getting through it ... it’s absolutely & completely rewarding. Keep at it💯
Part of being depressed is feeling powerless, so yeah, you can't help them much because if you do it only reinforces how powerless they already feel. Support is good though, but not doing things flthey need to do by themselves
Dump them now, you deserve better.
Be Present. Encourage them to seek help. Tell them they will come out of this.
You can be supportive emotionally, say you are there. But you don't have to be a sponge for all their problems. Remember their vitality is broken, so you can't do things for them.
Instead, be present with what they are feeling in that moment, don't tell them to feel better, but follow with I understand that (their words reworded) and suggest they get professional help. Don't become their life managers.
Saying this as someone who has been depressed before. Emotional support, not life advice.
After you're in a LTR and you need to process/change some part of ypurself--'you dont even know what really, but something isnt feeling right. But your partner wants you to be your normal happy self and fears you're thinking about leaving them. This is when the partner must have faith in tve other to do whats needed to evolve. Regardless of the outcome, which is unknown. But if you love them you want them to heal, not return to how they were so you'll be happy. Trust encompasses more than monogamy. It includes personal integrity and continual evolution. Expansion. And love trusts that process. To try to fix or suggest is disrespectful. To be present and show empathy is your place. Take care of yourself and allow them to do the same.
@Black Knight Fool I think you misunderstood something. She didn't say the partner shouldn't be monogamous. She said being a good partner is MORE than just being sexually faithful. I'm not even sure if this is the part you misunderstood.
Very true.
I love my husband dearly but it's hard to not set-off. Sometimes even when I'm receptive to a conversation anything can trigger me and I watch my anger go from 0-100% for such petty things.
I think the best thing I've done for both of us is to make sure we both get therapy. This way I can get better and hopefully he doesn't get emotionally scarred forever with this depressed version of me.
@@joybanks That last sentence of yours reminds me of a woman I once dated a couple of years ago. She used to tell me not to stay on with her because I would get sucked into her life and it would drain me out. That wasn't why we stopped dating, though. She was a wonderful woman.
Joy Banks both get therapy what an insult you take ownership for your abusive behaviour or leave him without divorce raping him and allow him to meet some he can be happy with. Remember domestic violence is also suffered by me to ....yeah
I think the tension and frustration in a romantic relationship where one person regularly has depression comes from one partner feeling like they are carrying much of the weight alone. If someone is both in a relationship (maybe even has a family) and also has depression, they have to seek professional help and allow their partner to be emotionally supportive. I apologise for the analogy but it's kind of like alcoholics or drug addicts - they have a disease they feel powerless against, but if they show the desire to fight it, the partner also then feels the desire to stand by your side. But if you stand by someone's side, while they're going through something and not allowing anyone to help, and then you're left with all the weight of the practical life, then it can definitely get frustrating, painful and exhausting.
Very true and on top of everything it's absolutely heartbreaking.
This describes my situation exactly. And all the focus goes to the “depressed” spouse and none to the one who is picking up the load for 2 people, who is struggling severely
@@charlotteking4347 exactly, it's all very hard.
Wow, that was the EXACT process i went through when i tried to help my last partner through things
You're the reason I still have a connection to my partner Esther. It's not multifaceted. It's you alone. Thank you for arming me.
i’m gonna be honest. i’ve been in this cycle for a couple weeks and i just didn’t know what to do. this video explained exactly how i was feeling and it helped me figure out what to do within 4 minutes. that’s crazy. thank you thank you
That's actually good advice. I'd add that from the depressed person perspective; the impression (real or perceived) of dragging loved ones with them only feed the depression. It may lead to deliberate isolation and break-ups as an attempt to spare their loved ones.
Great piece of wisdom as always. In my experience both as the depressed and as the other, we all have to go through these by ourselves. The other people can provide some guidance but they can't "lift" or "fix" us. The depression is there, it has it's own cause and it will go away eventually once we process what we need to process.
In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to be there for your partner, to be a stable and calm presence, to help them keep afloat, take care of the practicalities to make sure they have everything they need to go through it (food, cleaning, etc.) and of course be a source of sanity for the acute moments. This means you also have to take care of yourself and make sure you get what you need to stay strong. In my experience this is the best help one can offer. It means above all that you trust their ability to go through it by themselves which is very important, especially in those moments when they even doubt it themselves.
What happened when the depressed partner won't let you do any of those things? But shuts you out? No communication? no attention? I couldn't deal with it anymore.
@@SandraWade666 did you ever figure it out? I’m going through it with my girlfriend and it’s starting to hurt me … please help :/
@@SandraWade666 my bf has depression too he dont call or text me no reply its hurts me so bad
@@girliegray3081 I'm so sorry to hear that. I ended up breaking up with mine because I couldn't take it anymore. And when he did get back in touch with me, he was controlling :(
@@anthonysuriano8128 sorry, I didn't see this til now. There was absolutely nothing I could do. I broke up with him. What made it worse is that after he didn't talk to me for several weeks, he started accusing me of chatting w his male friend behind his back (his male friend who's MARRIED). Crazy control stuff. I broke up with him :(
I guess im doing good. Went from not talking, to talking to me, to doing small activities like going on a walk. I took my wifes silence and wanting not to talk as cries for help, that she is not good enough. I even made her laugh today. Its baby steps and positive reinforcement that helps the most.
This is altogether great advice and I'd like to emphasise the 'tell them they have not always been like this'. Still after years I remember my best friend telling me how, no, I was not always sad, closed and scared and that it will come back, and I still remember my family member telling me I'd been a cheerful child. It elevated some of my panick and gave me this light of hope, was really, really precious. I hope it's clear it was not a complain or a fight, it was a reality check for a very desperate person.
OH MY GOD this made me feel so understood and so validated. The guilt and helplessness is BIG for me because growing up i was my mothers emotional caretaker, she pit all her problems on me and expected me to solve them. So thats my natural response now is to try to fix it, or i feel worthless, like i am failing in my only purpose in life. Thank you for this video. My only complaint is that it wasnt longer! You have so much wisdom.
Absolutely true... I have been on this path and realized how futile my Helpful and incessant pleads were. Resentment and parallel depression was the result and that was killing our relationship...🥰 All I had to do is stand there in love, support and empathy and free myself from being entrapped.. thank you
I can't thank you enough for sharing this knowledge. I've been in a situation like this and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do and why most of my attempts to find a way to help my partner failed. And it's as simple as you explained: You're not the one who can fix them, yet you can be there to remind them they're loved and important, encouraging them to seek professional help and not give up.
Once again, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Genius woman. You are etched in history! I love the way you deliver messages about relationships. It's so refreshing!
@ALEXIS CATALINA are you trying to suggest wrong things to people? Who knows what these hackers do to their phones? They can access both of their phone's and access other details.
As I totter towards the incredible age of 60, having suffered with depression my whole life, I would give an arm for a partner who would just stand by me. I know enough now to realise that they must have their own life & interests, there must be times when they can get away from me (especially when I'm in the pit), to get out and have some fun without guilt. If someone would make sure I have some simple easily digestible food before they leave, and then when they come back. I promise that when I climb out again (and I will) I'll want you to share what you've been doing, be happy for your triumphs and commiserate on your losses.
One of the things I like best about myself is that I can express happiness for the happiness of others. Even if I don't actually feel it at the time, I can say "I'm so happy for you, I'm glad life is going well for you."
In this kind of situation you need someone powerful to help you and I know someone
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@@clemzydrizzy6278 Oh that's so sweet of you to offer to share your imaginary friends!
Yes very good advice, and it require a lot of strenght and decipline to carry out. Boundaries is key, but to my limited experience people with depression sometimes really whant's you to be a loyal companion and they see it as a act of love if you also get depressed together with them.
I found depression difficult, because it is not just one person beeing extreamly low. Sometimes that person uses this "power of weakness" to controll you, more or less consious.
For me it was a que to get out. That is toxic and destructive especially if the person not is seaking professional help.
Great and simple advice. Thank you!
And above all else, do not tell a depressed person to get over themselves; just snap out of it; or, “smile”!
I know, because I have struggled with depression, and have been told these things before.
Thank you, from those who needed to hear this today
Excellent advice ! I say this while I myself am the depressed one.. I do need dear people close but not to choke me. Also, I do feel better seeing others caring for me, but I cannot snap out of it just like that. I need time, during which I very slowly get better, but it doesn't show on the outside as much. Having someone near is a great help, only one should not get hasty or angry as you said!
This is the best advice that I found. Thanks so much I wish someone told me this when I was growing up around mental illness. I also would suggest going to codependency groups which help a lot to break the pattern 😊
Thank you Esther for your efforts to assist others. Everything you discuss can be summed up easily. Humans are very Selfish & Petty. Humans need to discover TRUE CHARITY for each other. Especially Couples or Married Couples. With TRUE CHARITY the Pettiness is Eliminated and BLISS is Discovered. I have been married to the same wonderful person for 50 years. And we overcame being PETTY. We Care About each other and TOGETHER we overcome all Obstacles. I am in LOVE with the same 18 year old person I married 50 years ago. And as you have mentioned in many of your videos; when the Going Gets Tough, WE Overcome with SPONTANEOUS TENDERNESS. Thank You again for your efforts to assist other find HAPPINESS in their Relationships.
There is someone very powerful who can help you within few days.
Consult him on what'sApp +2348141808891
"Angry at the power of the Powerless"!!! Love that Esther!!!
I told him tht im always be bside him that we love him,and we cn move forward tht if other people can ,so he can too.That he can express himself and solve the problem 1 step forward abd we seek for professional help.And no matter what i wont leave him and will gonna solve it together and look forward for our future ahead..
Resie Mison Im boi g to use what you just said to my partner
This is helpful. I’ve been going through a hard time emotionally for months and finally opened up to my partner about it a few days ago. He was so surprised because I’ve been happy and smiling. I explained that I didn’t want to burden him and was hoping that I would work things out myself. Speaking to him has been helpful, whilst he doesn’t have the answers, he is a great listener.
You should tell the future. This is what I need the most !!! Thank You !!
Esther you’ve explained this cycle so perfectly…. It all makes sense 100% Thank you
That’s good. The statement of simple but not simple makes sense. I see how easy it is to try to fix something one isn’t meant to fix.
Be present, encouraging.
ALEXIS CATALINA I would say absolute trust doesn’t even really exist.
Its possibly a matter of Symantec’s. Trust to______. That’s the thing to understand. The word usually precedes an expectation of an action or behavior of someone else. To do or behave as expected.
Having a proper expectation has so much to do with our own happiness.
So so good advice, the last thing i want when i am depressed is someone judging me, blaming me, trying to make me do stuff, giving advice. It just creates so much more tension. I feel like i need space, to get myself out of that, myself, because when i achieve something myself i feel empowered, even when it's a little day to day stuff. And i need the presence and understanding from my partner, encouragement would be great, but my partner is just not there right now. Took me some time to figure out what i need when i am depressed, now i am trying to teach my partner what to do. It is a journey, but it will get better over time.
As a sufferor of severe chronic depression I can say this advice is spot on.
Thank you! Finally a video that says it like it is and offers a solution to help the non depressed person from drowning. 🙏
Thank to you, finally I changed, also my perspective changed about my relationship. I thought before me and my husband had bad comunication, bad relationship and i had to accept that. Now I realize, I had unpractical and impossible expectations about myself, my husband and our relatioship. Also my depression has gone now and I'm ready to begin a new relationship with all my milieu. Love you
Wow, I’m literally crying right now, it’s like she knows exactly how I’m feeling right now 😢, thank you
Wow. It is the same that is happening to me. I do feel helpless. It is exactly the same you saying. I tried to tell him to go for help and I feel like saying that it is a offense. And it is taking a lot of my energy. One day is good. Next day it is bad. One day can love me. Next day saying the our relations it is what bringing him down because of distance. It’s been like that 4 years. Thank you for your video. It explained how I am feeling.
Great advice! I'd love a practical example of what that kind of support looks like.. I struggling with not getting trapped into the back and forth feeling of helplessness and suggestions not being acted on.
That ending was a big punch in the gut. Thank you. Last words were thought provoking
Being emotionally present is all you need to do. That’s a lot
Agree.
Agree
agree :)
How to be emotionally present ? What am I supposed to do I do every thing in my power and to tell you I'm in LDR with him but suggest me guys ? Anything would do just tell me
@@radhikaHOLK being emotionally present means emotional self awareness, being open & vulnerable, demonstrating empathy or validating other peoples feelings, actively listening, snd being "engaged" when someone is speaking
Hi Esther, what a great response to this question. As someone that is experiencing depression now I thank you. I'm doing my best to overcome this in time, but I know its been hard on everyone that cared about me and tried to help me. Notice I said past-tense as in "cared" and "tried". Those loved ones are no longer part of my life because relationships often suffer when there's chronic illness over a significant period of time.
People lose patience, and all the things you mentioned. There are not enough supports available it seems and then too much pressure is put on our loved ones in terms of supporting us, but they're not trained to help and sympathy only goes so far. Compassion is where its at, but the problem is that many of us have forgotten how to cultivate compassion within ourselves first so that we can offer it to others. Depression is not a choice but some of us that are living with it often feel like we get blamed for choosing depression, maybe because we don't recover on someone else's timeline (or even our own timeline). And its an isolating time in one's life, which is a time when they might most need the right kind of support. It's complicated, like Esther said. Thanks again for this video Esther:)
As the partner of a depressed man who tries to push me away and goes thru these things so often I wonder if it's an excuse to get out of the relationship which really makes him mad but I have insecurities too and not depression so I can't fully understand what that feeling of being a burden to someone else is. I also just want to share how annoying and hurtful it is when he will say you deserve better and I can't continue to let you down. I know what I deserve and it's him in my life. And the feeling bad, sure I've expressed anger and upset at not being able to spend the with this person but that other stufff he pits on himself and then somehow I'm left with the shit end of the stick. It's not easy to be understanding when you have needs and desires too. And I've been reading alot lately how depressed people often lose their feelings for everyone and everything, well that's just great..what am I supposed to do with that. So unfair.
Would you please explain how to be present for your partner and what you should do for them and for yourself? Healthy boundaries?
Search for two videos:
1.I had a black dog, his name was depression
2.Living with a black dog
From the World Health Organization. They are really informative.
Black Knight Fool LOLOLOL somebody’s triggered
I listened to it twice. I went exactly through this. But I am not sure if I have what it takes to be the right partner for a person in depression. It sucks the energy. Not that I am perfect either.
I used to listen to this amazing person last 2 months too much when I was about to start relationship, now I don't feel like I need to since I've choosed to stay alone 😶
Dr Perel, I am so grateful that someone like you exists. Always realistic and helpful. Thank you
Thank you for this video, great wisdome. I dont feel angry with my partner at all. I sort of understand what he is going through. It is hard to feel love towards yoursel when you are depressed, and even more difficult to love someone else. You slowly withdraw your feelings from your partner and you avoid discussing any sort of problems but you let it explode. If yyou have the right partner in your life, you are lucky, because they will give space when you need it and be there when you need them. Work on yourself man, no other way to get out of this. Remember the good times together, and what made you happy before. It will be fine, don't give up on yourself or on your spouse bro. Sending lots of love to those who need it. You can do it! 🙌
Thank you for this, Esther. It's what I've been feeling lately when talking with my SO. She's clinically depressed and what you described is exactly what I am going through. It helps hearing it summed up in brief.
Thank you, Esther, for your insight and eloquence! I have been the depressed one and the partner trying to lift up the depressed one. Your description of the parallel process that occurs when we try too hard to “fix” someone is so right on. I love how you think. 💕💕💕
This woman is the smartest person I've ever encountered. I wish she could be my therapist. Wow, I gain such insight from your videos! Thank you!
Take no decisions when you are in a depression. Healthy food, sunshine, vitamin D3, and loving kindness. Counseling is necessary. I have a bipolar son. He learned me What it means "unconditional love". He became a lawyer, against all odds.
I hugging him and talk to him and I tell him don't worry heart tomorrow will be okey problem it is the part of our life . cheer up heart..
I had a friendship like this in college. The girl had a slew of issues including depression and low self-esteem. She often allowed men to take advantage of her in hopes they would end up with feelings for her. Instead, she would come out more hurt and damaged. Ultimately, I would be the one picking up the pieces (or trying... or so it felt like...). Personality- wise, we were polar opposites. I was focused on school first, then friends, and never boys or partying etc. I couldn't understand why she was purposely hurting herself and I kept suggesting her things to do. She would mostly just take my advice and be like "thats stupid it wont work". I started to get frustrated that she would keep complaining about the same thing while continuing the same patterns and not listening to anything I said. The relationship quickly took on a very negative role in my life at the time. I would feel helpless over her state, while simultaneously angry that she refused to do anything about it or at least take my help. I also felt like she only reached out to me when shit hit the fan. I was not the fun friend to hang and spend time with anymore. I was the responsible one who fixed shit. While I didn't mind being in that role, I resented how it made me feel. I remember one day she said "You're mean to me but its okay because I love you". I was so shocked by how fucked up that statement was. I said, "if you really believe that then I don't give a fuck if that person is me, you shouldn't be with them". Whether she was right or wrong, I always ended up feeling like a terrible person when I was with her. Even after that day, the "friendship" continued on and off for another 2 years. I knew one day we would no longer be friends so I remember always telling her, "Even if we are no longer friends one day, I want you to know that if you need help you can always call me. I will be there for you". At this point, we haven't spoken in a few years and while it still hurts I know its probably for the best.
In this kind of situation you need someone powerful to help you and I know someone
Consult him on what'sApp +2348141808891
Man i love her so much not helping her in this situation literally breaks me i feel helpless
Thank you Esther. You described so much familiarity there. We, I, appreciate you.
Exactly how I am feeling right now just wish there was more understanding people like yourself.
The power of the powerless 🤯👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 Mindblowing concept! I needed to hear those words. I’ve been going through such a situation with a family member... and in 2 minutes Esther just brought clarity to a lot of confusion. Merci!
This is absolutely the most concise, actionable advice I could have received at this moment. 💯👍
Sometimes I feel some "depressed" like to see how others are struggling to help and suggest stuff just to see you come down form your high horse! It took me long time to realize that I try to help because I hate to see them sad, and they hated to see me happy....
How did this video make me cry in only 2mins? This right hear is my boyfriend and I 100%. I always try to fix things because that's how I am myself and that's how I was brought up, to reflect, focus, then move. But, he's not like that... this really helped me refocus my approach, so thank you~
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@@johnalex236 SCAM
A wife, who has clinical level depression comes to her husband, desperate for help, miserable, at the end of her rope, and he says to her: "what the f**kdo you want me to do about it?" That is not appropriate, to say the least,
she felt as if she had been slapped across the face.
That's what you get when you support your partner but they are incapable of supporting you in return.
Two Years before, the husband was crippled by anxiety, unable to leave the house for 3 days. The wife didn't know what to do or say. She put her arms around him, held him as he sobbed. Made therapy appointments and went with him.
When the roles were reversed, he was pissed that his wife bothered him with her issues.
Some people suck and have no compassion for others.
I don't understand you. Express your thoughts more clearly.
@@ayeshak6822
See above.
@@ayeshak6822 Pretty clear to me. She supports her husband through crippling anxiety. He dismissed and is angry about her wanting support with her depression.
G Schneider if that’s you I hope you get help. ❤️ Support is great, but not up to spouses or family to fix someone. Therapist will help figure things out.
If it’s not you, then nobody fully knows what goes on in relationship. Maybe the husband has no compassion or is still recovering. Maybe wife’s depression is too much of a reminder for him and he feels overwhelmed and isn’t coping well.
Judging is not helpful.
@@magspies
That man was my ex husband. He became manipulative and abusive after that. I did not see a therapist at first because I thought I could handle things myself. What started off as postpartum depression morphed into something else after I went back to work. After my husband became abusive the depression stayed around for over a decade.
No counselor in the world can help someone who doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior.
I knew him very well after 20 years....no judgement, just facts.
I didn't expect him to "fix me" or the situation, maybe give me a hug and tell me it would all be OK....I gave all of myself and got nothing in return. Now engaged to a wonderful man who treats me as a partner, and has shown me love and respect like I've never experienced before.
The point I was trying to make with my original post, was that all I wanted was someone to support me hug me love me tell me it was all going to be okay exactly what Esther said in her video.
I understand a partner feeling helpless when their spouse or loved one is that clinical level of depressed they feel helpless themselves and I get that. But there is no reason to get angry to the point at swearing at the person and being angry and pissed off. From my experience it pushed me further away from him and I shut up the minute he told me that. I literally stopped speaking and would not tell him about my problems any longer because it was clear to me that he didn't give a shit. It was the Beginning of the end of our marriage. A slow death for sure.
I would like to dare to add, if you are the one with depression, please do find professional help. I made the mistake of thinking my partner could and should be my support in everything. They are not psychologists, and would not know how to help you. (Unless they are.) Don't put that burden on a layman, you might ruin your relationship.
I am so thankful I found this. Knowing that how I feel, what I do is a common thing in many relationships and learning how to still help without drowning myself is a huge relief. Thank you so much.🙌
This was both the shortest and best way for me to hear what I needed. Thank you
Ugh, I’ve needed this for two years! Thank you
Also see a psychologist if you don't understand what's going on or if you love them but don't know how to help. Especially if your better half has chronic depression.
My ex left me because he wouldn't understand that I was in a downward spiral and his most common remark was "You can't see things so gloomy 24/7".
I had suicidal tendencies when he left me. A year later (now), seeing a psychiatrist/psychotherapist and diligently taking my medication, I still don't understand why he didn't do anything to help me. I can't understand why some people lack basic empathy and, although they say/believe they love you, they do absolutely nothing to prove it.
It's not important to understand why he didn't and some other people won't. What IS important is to accept that fact.
@@romanr7948 And that right there is the hardest part. :(
I love her thoughts. She's more beautiful & graceful everytime I see her in a video. I'm glad she used her own experience here. 💪
Here's my thoughts. Being in a melechony state isn't wrong to go through from time to time. It's just an undesirable feeling of doom that's can feel bothersome within that particular season. But it's a two sided coin that most of humanity will experience. I believe the peaks & valleys are required to keep us relatable to others. No one's exempt. Surrending to what's needed in that particular state will yield results. Look back and reflect. Win. Win. Purpose. ;)
And you can keep that comment.
Thank you Esther. I think this is something I'm going to try in business also, with my clients, students and mentees. Your advice is always so powerful and creates positive change in my life, thank you
Thankyou so much , its hard atm I'm in a long distance relationship and I was getting ready to move over when she opened up to me about some personal family issues and I understand and respect her boundaries, I needed this video thankyou so much
no, when you love someone you feel exactly what they feel. when you have a partner who is regularly depressed they don't care about your help... they are just depressed. the problem with having a depressed partner is that they make us depressed too, they suck the life out of us. so if we are truly committed to a depressed person the problem is 'how can i cope with this person who sucks the life out of me and makes me feel depressed?. every day. of my life, how can i be happy with them?' i think this is the biggest dilema in marriage. depression has become the norm now and people don't feel the need to change. you love them but they are unbearably depressing as people and they pollute your environment with thier mood. every day.
That's right...my husband was depressed and I loved him so much, tried to move mountains to help him, but he didn't want to help himself. I ended up so drained, miserable, lonely....my love and my efforts ment nothing to him..He was locked up in his dark world, seeing only bad and evil. He died in car accident. Now my opinion is that these two worlds can not mix. If someone steps from light into darkness the only solution is professional treatment. Personal effort of partner is not the way to fight this beast.
@@lonelyplanet2021sorry for your loss
Wow, now i know how my partner feels
This is a god send!
Wow, its like Esther has met me and read my emotions. Thanks for your advice as I am stuck in this dance with someone I am dating
and then, you hear from them
"Where were you when I was struggling? Just get lost!"
Thank You Esther Perel' I'm Wondering Why We Dont Actually Teach Social and Relational Healthy Mental Health' in Public School's? We Have 12 Years To Do That?-And That Would Decrease The Problems Associated With The lack of Understandings and Subsequent Problems That Causes In The Society That They Are Moving Into and So To Make Better Parents Aswell!? '\😶/' Blessings Always To You' You Are Such a Beautiful Spirit and Person! Thank Again' For Your Priceless Insight!⛅🌈
Don't worry too much, there is someone who can help you within few days.
Contact him on what'sApp today +2348141808891
@@clemzydrizzy6278 SCAM
Wowwww... I don't usually comment on RUclips videos. However this short 2 minute video summarised everything so well. Thank you so much ❤️👌
Great, needed this advice 18 months ago. Now I have become exhausted and resentful. But maybe it's not too late to change behaviour.
A woman I’ve been dating for 3 months, her aunt recently died and now she’s pushed me away entirely. She pinged me with a text last week, but I have no idea what’s happening next. Ball is in her court. I feel so bad for her. I’m praying for her and Lord willing she will return.
before we broke up he told me that because he was going through a hard time he couldn’t even meet the basic needs in a relationship but he also told me that he didn’t want to break up with me because i was a good and supportive gf. the day we broke up he said that he was feeling pressured every time i told him i love you.. when i didn’t really demand him to say it back and i said it a couple of times a week.. i know he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style but it was really hard for me dealing with that kind of person + him being depressed… he has lots of unsolved trauma and lots of stress.. + me being an empath really hurt me because i could feel how he was screaming for help even though he didn’t really ever complain about his situation. i tried my best but some how being in a secure relationship stressed him out and he pushed me away when i never said anything hurtful nor reacted with anger at his unnecessary irritability. it’s hard to get over him because i know how hard his life is rn and it makes me sad that he pushes away people that care about him
How is he now
@@anjanasuresh4855 idk we broke up long time ago 😂
We love you Esther!!! Hugs from the Netherlands
"THE POWER OF THE POWERLESS"
You can't save people only they can save themselves. Your urge to change them is because of your own discomfort and compulsion to manipulate the situation to your liking. Take them as they are and sit there with reality don't try to manipulate it. Say a few things carefully but leave it at that. You cannot change or save other people it is their journey and their life.
This is exactly what I needed to hear.
Dear Mam , you have really simplify the conversation code . Its phenomenal for any kind of relationships . A Lot to learn from you. Thank you inspiring and solving the morden age issues .
And how long are you meant to just sit there and watch them struggle to overcome depression on their own terms? When/where do you draw a line between being supportive/non-judgemental and staying sane amidst their battles?
Answer this!! I feel like its all stay calm, give them time but for how long, and how much do you give of yourself before you are empty
@@rosinekabahire4468 Exactly! We need an answer! I particularly feel like I'm waiting for a bus, having places to go but the bus never arrives... 8.5 years later I'm still here: still waiting for the bus, still having places to go... How much more should a person wait? :(
I waited as long as I could before I left, he immediately got his shit together, found a new house, a new job and a glittering circle of friends, within a couple of months.
That was 13 years ago now. We're still really close friends and I love him dearly, but goddammit I spent a long time and a lot of money supporting him, when I could have saved us both a lot of heartache if I'd acted sooner.
Could he explain this? Was it partly the pressure of having a partner meant he couldn't act / heal?
Wow. So amazing. You explain things so well! Thank you.
Ester ALWAYS on point 💯
In your own time.
I love you.
Depression, it seems like it must feel like there aren't enough tanks, not enough in the tanks to overcome it, out there.
I'm not sure when or how but I'm sure there will be solution or someone will come up with a solution and depression that sets in, will be a thing of the past, and also, if depression sets in, there will be a way to actually reverse it or neutralise it.
Holy crap! Talk about hitting the nail on the head!
My husband was fired from him job 4 days ago. He has ignored me since then. I asked him why he has pulled away and he said he feels like a failure and that I’d be better off without him. Our relationship is blah suffering because of his reaction to stress, not the actual stress itself. It’s a similar pattern I’ve been noticing with him. I don’t know what to say or do other than just pull away myself. I’m so exhausted with this behavior pattern.
Short and brilliant. Thank you.
Get him on what'sApp +2348141808891
It's a beautiful advise Esther. Thank you.
As always, you are so exact and precise with your words. Thank you for another great piece of advice and wise words
I wish I was reminded of this before things have becom tricky between us due to his depression....
Wow Esther ❤you are so insightful. Thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you. Your tip makes a lot of sense. I will do this.
What I was looking for! Wow! It felt like you were talking from my mind!
Again just right to the point! Thank you❤️
Just watched your video. I was overwhelmed. Keep it up! Your are doing a great job!!
my dear let me introduce to you to someone that will help you better ok
Contact him on WhtsApp
+2349054773429