How To Not Be Controlling In Your Relationship [5 STEPS]
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- ***If you have a question, email is the best way to get a hold of me. Since I'm getting so many responses on RUclips these days, I think it's best to gather all questions in one place so I can keep offering my support and advice. Feel free to email at: kristin@kristincoaching.com
It's important to learn how not to be controlling in your relationship as that can lead to arguments and tension between you and your significant other.
Most likely if you have controlling behavior, you may have heard comments from your significant other telling you that you're being too controlling in the relationship. Therefore, it's really important to learn how to not be controlling in your relationship in order for it to successful and healthy.
It's not uncommon to have controlling behavior and not think you're being controlling, because it's hard to see other peoples perspectives other than your own.
But if you've heard these types of comments in the past and/or ongoing, most likely you are demonstrating some type of controlling behavior in your relationship.
I want to help you make some changes to stop these behaviors because they can push your partner away emotionally over time, especially if there is no effort into trying to make changes.
Side Note: If you feel that your partner is controlling at times, feel free to click on my other video, "Do you have a controlling spouse or husband?" This has helpful tips on what to do if you're on the opposite end of the situation.
But if you are the one being accused of your controlling ways, here are 5 tips to stop being controlling in your relationship:
1. Think About Your Partners Needs
When it comes to healthy relationships, we need to make sure that our partners are also happy with the decisions that are happening, so factor in your partners needs and wants, and make changes so they feel accommodated.
2. Don't Let Insecurities Make Your Decisions
Often times the need to be in control can come from our own insecurities. We worry about our partners possibly lying to us or cheating on us, so we do what we can to control the situation so that doesn't happen. But at the end of the day, relationships are all about trust and you have to let your partner be their independent self. The more secure you are with you, the less worried you will be about your partner.
3. Be Respectful
A great way to stop being controlling is to respect your significant other. Remember that your relationship is a team effort and a partnership. So treat it as such. Don't put your self above your partner and don't make sure that your needs are only being met. Respect is about appreciation as well.
4. Be Open To Change
Look, you're never going to do different behaviors in your relationship unless you're open to change. Remember that you are not perfect and you have flaws just like everyone else. so make changes that promote you being a better partner and a better human being.
5. Accept Your Significant Other
Sometimes we engage in controlling behaviors because we are trying to change our partner to become who we want them to be. Often times this can be subconscious as well. It's important to accept who your partner is as an individual, and appreciate your partner for the qualities that they do have. If that isn't good enough for you, then they might not be the one to spend the rest of your life with.
Please enjoy this video! And don't forget to click SUBSCRIBE and leave a COMMENT!
Thank you for watching!! This is Kristin Coaching, and I am a dating and relationship coach.
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Kristin Coaching is a relationship coach and dating expert for both men and women. Kristin Coaching loves offering relationship advice to anyone who wants to strengthen their relationship, and have that long-lasting, happy relationship they deserve!
I am so so so proud to everyone here for acknowledging their faults and trying to fix them!! God bless I love you all❤️
I try my best
I broke up with my partner because I've noticed I can't love him stable anymore because I'm too controlling
@@angelourian8598 its just not the same when u love someone who do things not normally
i’m trying i really am i’m trying to change for the better
@@andres224455 hey man even it doesn't work out for you and she decided that ur not the one be happy that you're trying to change 🌹
In my case it’s not my insecurities it’s straight up anxiety driven! I’m so scared of me not being in control because I’m so afraid of things not working out in the perfect way and exactly how I in vision it
This is totally me too! Thank you for wording it so well.
Yea I'm the same way, it's that and my insecurities tbh
Bless you all, toxic ppl exist and the best way to break the cycle is to learn.
1. Think of your partners needs. Factor in their opinion as important as yours.
2. Don’t let your insecurities make your decisions. Don’t let irrational thoughts (partner is cheating etc) that are not based on reality control your actions. Learn to trust your partner.
3. Don’t be disrespectful. Treat your partner as you want to be treated. Learn how to communicate respect.
4. Be open to change. You’re not perfect, you’re not always going to be right. Be open to feedback from your partner and be willing to change.
5. Accept your partner for who they are. Don’t try turn them into who you want them to be. Accept all their qualities for what they are. You can’t change them. You can only change yourself.
I’m super controlling and I can’t help it 😔😔😔😔 I don’t wanna be like that anymore, but Everytime I suspect something I get this twisting feeling in my chest, especially since I caught him in a lie before. What do I do, I’m only jealous and controlling in relationships. I really really wanna change but I don’t know what to do, my emotions control me.
Haven't you tried dr tuda , he was the one that helped me get my ex back and I believe he can also help you just as he did mine too
Text him officially on WhatsApp
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+1(816. 343 8307) text me for directives
I feel u girl on that. It’s so sad to see many people go through the same thing as me because it makes me feel a bit better . But know that we can change. It’s easier said than done but it takes sooo much of a strong person and love for yourself to achieve that. May God bless you and hope u are doing well
All the anxiety is forcing me to take control and I want to save my relationship. I want a change as well but it's hard to get it start
Yeah I’m definitely taking notes, I say things that come off rude and I been trying to improve the way I talk. Thank you for your video. I really want to change and stop being so dominant to my boyfriend.
Hello I know of someone great and powerful who helped me get my ex back , hecan also help you too
Text him on whtzap
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Me too sis
It really helped me to accept my mistakes n realise that I have to change certain behaviour. Thank you for this awesome video😊
You are very welcome! So happy this was helpful for you :)
Changes=GROWTH !! Thanks for this video
Absolutely Lakeishia. You are very welcome :)
I’ve always been a controlling person and now that I’m married I’ve seen how it’s really effecting my partner and I don’t want to be her anymore. I nag too much and I criticize a lot. This sounds bad but it’s honest and I need to be accountable. Thank you for these videos. May we all better our selves and our relationships
Yesterday my bf told me he didn't see himself growing as a person in the relationship, that our dynamics were unequal and I wasn't respecting him. He told me our fights and our relationship weren't normal. He said he wanted to be alone. I couldn't understand what he was saying, I thought it was normal or fair for me to want my needs met. I now realise I wasn't giving him room to grow, I wanted him to become the person that was always there for me and makes me feel at ease, and I didn't see him for what he himself brought to our relationship and all his amazing qualities. This is the first time I've truly acknowledged being controlling in a relationship, and I really want to work things out, and be a better person and a better partner.
It's very hard to control my insecurities in long distance relationship
Me TOO. I’m struggling with it so bad. I just wanna know where he is and what he’s doing at all times and when I don’t I always thing he’s cheating😫
are you guys still together?
For me personally, I know I'm a toxic controlling person, I also happen to be in a relationship. I actively try to silence this part of me to not hurt my S.O. I also get very jealous when my S.O talks to the people. I have talked about it with them and they have supported that I try and better myself for I do not want to lose them. This video helped me see just a little bit better. keep going unlike me with my measly 65 subs xD
This is actually me, I want to stop doing this its hard 😥
I'm not controlling cuz of self esteem. But I have room to grow. I just want things my way. Bad drivers scare me. If he dresses sloppy I tell him.
If hes being dismissive to my needs then I get upset.
And he cant have respectful talking. Deflects gaslights etc. Annoying. Cant accept as is. There has to be compromise.
Hi Suzi, thank you for your comment! Yes, there absolutely needs to be compromise in a relationship! So important. It can't just be one persons way or the highway. It's important that both peoples needs are being met, as best as possible. That way there's mutual satisfaction and fulfillment. There's always room for growth, no matter how long you've been together. I'm constantly working on myself. so important.
We have had a lot of change the last few months. Moving, child starting elementary school etc. My wife is also going through her own things and "trying to find herself" after years of being a wife and mother dominating her time. I'm finding, to add to your step #4, that you have to be open to your spouse changing as well. My wife has been working out and her personality is changing, due to her increased confidence, on top of wanting to go out with friends more. It's been a hard adjustment but it's getting easier every day.
Thank you for your input. I absolutely hear that and agree.
Update?
I am in the same boat!
@@justsid I'm just seeing this. Thank you for asking. Things are probably better than they've ever been, especially considering the low we were at 2 years ago. There were more problems than just this but things are really good now. The biggest thing looking back and talking to my wife is that we completely opened up our communication. I really wish Kristin was still around because a few of her videos were really eye opening and helped me a ton. She even corresponded with me by email a few times.
@@sstevo4066 Sorry i’m responding a year later lol. But i’m struggling with being jealous in my relationship. You said your wife was going out more and getting more confidence and i’m just curious how you communicate about situations like that. I don’t know how to address to my boyfriend that i get very jealous knowing he could be seeing hot women when he goes out, on the tv, on social media etc.
Watching this video in 2024. Thank you so much for all this great advice! ❤
I unintentionally come across as controlling sometimes because of my deeper anxiety and fears. I fully admit I’m at fault and have been for a long time
Me and my bf nearly broke up the other night because I’m becoming controlling over my insecurities and distrust. Your advice helped a lot thank you x
How is it now?
Tendo we broke up
Jess Neacy I hope you’re healing now 🙏🏽
how are you now?
@@nnehaaaaa we broke up he was the toxic and controlling one. Made me think it was always me and I’m a lot happier and found someone who treats me a lot better.
helped me so much…i’m over here overthinking about my decisions and that video just healed everything and i learned a lot!!thank you so much👍🏻
04:45 "you gotta be disrespectful". Well I've been doing that for a long time now and somehow people still don't love me 🤔 jokes aside. Great video! I've been analysing thoroughly why I don't seem to be able to build a healthy relationship with people. The closer to me I perceive them to be the more demanding I become. The same story repeats all over again.. Just now I could pin down the cause and I realised that I am "controlling". That's when I stumbled across your video, and yeah. It's all me... Self-esteem and insecurities definitely play an important role in my case. Thanks for putting out this video, it really made me think!
Gosh I can see myself in every tip you talked about. I’m not a narcissist, I love him so so so much. I struggled with anxiety for the first year of our relationship and I didn’t even really know what the cause of it was. I’m slowly beginning to think it all has to do with my need to control and my insecurities. He’s gone through my anxiety and the control for 18 months now and I feel horrible 😔 Change is going to be hard.
I never thought I would come here for advice. I grew up in a very toxic household that I learned stuff from my dad and one me being a female and being raised from him to be in control being too controlling is way tooo toxic and I’m here for a change thank you.
I am so thankful for you and for this video. I didn’t even realize I had controlling behaviors until my wife said something, unfortunately it’s during our separation that she finally opened up to me and told me that. I always thought I was being protective, turns out that my protective leeched into overprotective into controlling. I am so thankful for your video and your explanations. There’s so many videos that blame a person for these behaviors and tell them they’re a bad person when we’re not bad people, we just didn’t realize (most ppl) that we had gone from protective to controlling.
people talk way to much unnecessarily but you dont and get straight to it and its clear so ty
Thank you so much you helped me massively to over come this and that me and my girlfriend argue and that I always want to know what she is doing 24/7 but you have showed me no to and that our relationship has increased and that we trust each other a lot more and that I don’t check up on her everyday. Thank you so much ❤️
I really needed to watch this, I really want to not be controlling toward my boyfriend. I really love him and I have been hurt before by my ex , so I just think my boyfriend is a bit too friendly and it makes me upset but I think I want to sit down and express this to him and tell him I’m planning to change these bad habits
Hello why havnt you tried dr tuda , he was the one that helped me get my ex bck I believe he can also help you tooo
Text him on WhatsApp
+ 2 3 4 8 1 5 6 8 9 6 4 3 6💞💞💞💞💞
Thanks for the video. Great advice.
I think one feature that would help me, perhaps in future videos, is to list out some common examples of each mistake that folks make that leads to a controlling behavior. For example for tip #5, what are some common examples of certain ways that a partner acts or behaves, which the other partner wants to change. I think it'll help improve my self reflection and identify my own behaviors that I don't readily notice.
I have been told I am controlling and I didn’t ever think I had low self-esteem but that’s my issue thank you for this video it helps so much
I just almost lost my relationship last night its my insecurities
He told me that I'm too controlling
So we had separated last night..
And so I've started texting him that I apologize for what had happened and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things better..
I ask him to forgive me
At first he would text me saying words like we are done I can't take this
And that he is ready to move on..
So I gave him time to think without bothering him..and than I would text him but with good words to comfort his feelings..and than thats when he texted me back but this time it's a good word..
He replied back with my phone is dying
So I ask him you can always come home to charge it..
So he finally called me I answered
He said do you have anything to say.
I said nope..and that I'm very sorry
That’s incredible! I’m so proud of you. My bf asked me for a break because he’s exhausted with how I treat him ;(
@@dunya28 how it went?
@@dunya28 how is it now?? we've almost broken up a couple of times and i really wanna change
My bf wants to leave me over this. I never felt like I was that controlling like he’s claiming. I do have some inner issues and insecurities and just really don’t want to be hurt . I definitely don’t want to have this kind of behavior in a new relationship and want to change some things about my approach
Please know that you helped me mature and fix my mistakes even more. I will forever be grateful thank you
Found myself here because my partner wants my input on decorating his new apartment and I am struggling not to take over and not be condescending. 😩
Watching cause I want to keep my relationship
I don’t even pick where we go get food. How in the hell am I controlling? Bc I told him don’t cheat? And don’t go out partying. Ugh I hate men sometimes
Awareness is the key to change ! Thanks for the tips
So needed to hear this ❤thanks for sharing
Watching this so I can save our relationship❤️ thank you✨️
Thanks for this video, a bright light on the topic
Hello I know of someone great and powerful who helped me get my ex back
Text him on WhatsApp
+ 2 3 4 8 1 5 6 8 9 6 4 3 6💓💞
Hey it’s KJ fam from Kristin & Jamil mukbangs!! Hey girl heey 👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾
I'm 21 and I live with my bf and I am trying to be better for him
#1. What if I've tried to put his needs first, but I still get frustrated when he dosnt do what I want. #2. What if hes cheated on me in the past for a long time and has lied to be about it. #3. What if I cant control my emotions and lash out even when I'm trying to be respectful.
You cant think in what ifs, if you trust your bf you have to trust him. Focus on not giving him a reason to cheat by making the home nice, inviting, and food
I was told I'm too controlling when I asked my ex of 2 years that she has to start trying to pay off her debts instead of ignoring them I feel like everyone is telling me I just need to smile and watch her keep digging deeper into problems I was so worried about the debt becoming mine due to a marriage
Thank you for the video.
Im here to be a better version of my self, my girlfriend tells my that im not controlling, but i dont feel thats shes honest, so im here to be better
It's rather unfortunate how my situation occurred. It was more so that I had gotten really frustrated over something really stupid, although i hadnt made any threats or insults towards her. Her mother constantly tried getting her to believe how I was controlling and manipulative, although I never had been that way, atleast definitely not intentionally. The reality was the fact that her mother was the controlling and manipulative one. To this day, she's way too scared to Even come and talk to me about the situation, due to insecurity and fear, and manipulation from her mother. It's become so stupid that I'm pretty much done trying to fix it, and I'm about to move on.
The problem with compromising is two individuals are conceding in order to demonstrate their love or commitment. It gives up or gives away something you value. So both parties will experience pain.
I'm dating a trans woman and I almost lost her last weekend I reflected and I was wat to controlling this video has helped tremendously I hope she notices I'm trying it sucks because i still get mad over little stuff just don't show it ... Thank you for this video
Thank you so much I have manipulating my friend and I didn't realize thank so much for this!
Heyyy this really helped me im.gonna try this and ill get better for her somehow. Thankyou so muchh .do you have tips for me
Wow, you helped me so much! Thank you for that.
Thank you so much. Maybe if ever have another new relationship I will give my best try your advice
Wow this video has help me so much thank you
This was a really good video! I really have to think about some things and clarify in my head cause i have insecurities that make me act this way. And also i have a lack of acceptance which is pretty hard to work on it but i really wanna try my best!
It's all about recognizing things you need to work on AND TAKING ACTION TO DO SO. Having insight is key, and then figuring out how to make changes to be a better person and a better partner. You got this! Thank you so much for your response!
Thanks you
You really really help me
Thank you for the advice! New subscriber❤️❤️
thank you so much this is going to help me out so much ❤️ :)
I'm so happy to hear that! best of luck to you.
awesome clear HELPFUL video.. pls give more content like this
Aye if there are any Jr college girls in Illinois being this introspective. Hit me up. Its awesome seeing women taking accountability
Thank you this helped me a lot
You're very welcome! I'm so happy to hear that.
Thank you so much for this video. I really appreciate it!
A lot of this is true with your children as well. Please do not force your children to be who they are not.
I want to stop being controlling even though I didn’t feel like I was.
Thankyou for this!
Man it's really hard to find a video where the controlling person isn't a man! I just want a video where it is equal to both genders because both men and women are capable of controlling behavior. The reason I sought out this particular topic is because I'm having a bit of an internal struggle. I love my fiancé and we have been together for over a year. I once saw him try on something that I thought he looked really good in, it was actually quite a turn on for me :) Now I love him and he has done and said many things and looked at me a certain way that really got me hot and bothered, but it was the first time that I had seen him wear something other than a T-shirt and jeans. I even told him that he looked really sexy in it and that he should try wearing stuff like it more, but he said he didn't really like it and preferred what he wore before. I was obviously disappointed because I get so tired of seeing him in the same old things everyday and for the first time I thought he looked quite mature and dressed his age (he's 35). It wasn't anything outrageous, just a basic casual long sleeved shirt that really emphasized his assets (his chest, broad shoulders, etc.). I tried to encourage him to give it a chance but he is fairly stubborn and not easily persuaded as far as clothing. Fast forward a month later and I tried to convince him again, but he still insists that he doesn't like long sleeved shirts. I just wanna know: is it wrong for me to want him to switch it up from time to time? I mean, I don't want to control or change him... I guess I just want him to put in a bit of effort from time to time. In long-term relationships I know it is easy to become complacent and get in a rut. But does it sound controlling to encourage you partner to try something different? I'm really conflicted. Sorry this is such a small thing and DEFINITELY not worth this much explanation, but I just wanna hear what others think? I don't wanna be a controlling person, especially not to him.
There are videos that tell you what these are but they don't tell you how to fix it. Also these these come from fear and anxiety not because shes or he is trying to be abusive,no, sometimes it intentional.
Wonderful tips... 🙋🏽♀️
Preach 🙏🏽
I started being controlling after I got an abortion so it was like a trauma but I feel so bad for doing it I don’t trust no one especially my mum n I just wanna be Normal again n love my self ☹️
Wish u all the best ✨⭐️✨
Yes
Nice! It helps me a lot 😊💖 Thank you❤
You are very welcome!! I'm so happy it helped :)
I try so hard to stop being so controlling but my anxiety and my thoughts take over I think everything is a lie and I question everything
This only happens to me in relationships an I can’t help it I wanna change so bad and I think of how I overreact an in reality it’s nothing to question but I can’t stop
Thank u so much for this
Great video!
My partner ended things for other reasons but my family noticed im very controlling. I need to let go. It's not thst I don't trust, it's just I would like a good morning and goodnight text. Which may seem controlling to some. But it's part of my anxiety to know they made it home safely.
How can I show this video to my partner in a way that’s sincere and not offensive and won’t be instantly dismissed
Thank youuuuu
Thank you ❤️
You are more than welcome. Thank you for watching!
But what if they don’t tell you their needs ? Or if when you ask what their needs are the only thing they say is for you to “not” do something.
I feel like I am. I seem to always check her location on snap map and I got angry (not at her) for being civil with my toxic ex. Im not telling her what to do I just feel like if I’m starting like this then I’ll get worse. We broke up because she wasn’t feeling like herself so I’m just hoping that if I get another chance I can be so much better than before. Im nice and caring and if I’m honest I think I confuse being a Dom with being controlling and I cross them over and not realise it.
Step 4 and 5 are kind of confusing to me because the other person should be open to change as well, but I need to accept them the way that they are.. so which one is it? How do I know when which step is applicable to the situation?
What if there are some real flaws in what partner is doing and she admits it. We talk about that and try to fix it from both sides (find the compromise). Relationship is all about flexibility and having understanding for your partner. I think we can change our character a little if partner does the same for us in order to find the sweet spot for both. I'm the controlling one in relationship, i caught myself being inferior to my insecurities and they started ruling and making my decisions and thoughts. I really want to stop this. Im overly sensitive. Every little mistake that she makes hits me like a train and then i hit back in fear of being hurt. I'm afraid that this isn't going to stop and i'm drowning. Please help
I want to be a better person. Help me please
I'm watching to save my relationship an I only have the step with number 2 an 5 that's why my relationship is failing
Cannot find the reverse video for this :/
What if I don't like it when he's drinking? Especially when his with his brother because his brother is an alcoholic and force alcohol onto him. He see it as *there's nothing wrong with that* he's brother is a bad influence and encourage bad behavior and my partner can't control his alcohol limits and have blackouts.
Helpful ❤️
Tysm🧿💕
Hi! As a 32 year old, going through DBT, I've recognized that I am controlling and insecure. We've gotten to the point where she has already filed for divorce. I know that I cannot control her feelings, but I intend to learn from this experience. Is there any literature that you can recommend? Thank you for your video and any advice!
Read up on codependency in relationships (codependency for dummies) . Really helped me understand why I appear controlling and clingy. I'm also getting individual and couple counseling. Good luck.
I’m ruining my marriage because I’ve tried to control a certain situation that happened and I tried to fix the problem but ended up worse then ever
I dont agree completely about that. When you ask about something are bothering you isn't been controlling is about what you likes or dislike, about respect, boundaries nothing abouts trying to controlling our partner. My partner was texting his exs 2,3,x a week and updated our relationship,was we was doing, making, going etc, etc with her, even he hasn't children's business with this woman and i found it disregard, disrespectful with me and ask him to stop it, and it doesn't means ive to accept him to be and act this way it concerns my self aswell.. In the end hi didn't stopped said he has connection with his ex and i did sent his back yo his exs his wasn't the right person to me.
I wish I knew this side of me to save my relationship
I have a question so the only issue i have is what my partner wears and what she don’t i don’t really know what’s wrong with me i mean i really don’t know i just need someone to help me honestly. i don’t like my partner getting hurt and feeling worst
Very helpfu😊
I am working so hard on it but it's not working...i am still controlling her...I am afraid she will leave me someday....
i fear im not good enough
what to do?
If my SO is a pothead do I still not change them and accept who they are??
its definitely hard to incorporate these 5 steps if the persons involved wants monogamy but his partner is practicing polyamory ----- =(
I've ruined so many friendships.
"You're too controlling!"
"You're way too standoffish!"
"You're so damn manipulative!"
"God! There's no need to try and gaslight me!"
They always say it's my fault. It's not my fucking fault. So let's see if this works.
Tip number 2 through 4. Who am I, kidding all these. some less than others
Ugh I wish I didn’t have adhd and anxiety it is triggering all these things and making me a bad person
Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry Im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry I'm sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry.
-To all ive hurt..