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What Undiagnosed ADHD Looks Like (what signs were missed ft.my mom!)
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- Опубликовано: 30 май 2023
- Join Hayley and momma Honeyman as they talk about what it was like growing up with undiagnosed ADHD. Did you have similar signs that were missed?
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My mum actually did try to get me diagnosed as a child. But the very bad children psychiatrist just said, "what for? If she has it the only thing you can do is medication, there is nothing else and do you reallllyy wanna give her meds??" So I stayed undiagnosed until a year ago with 25. There are tons of things you can do and tons of accommodations... BUT OK. I later had to deal with hat psychiatrist again for other stuff, and she proved to be still horrible
that's such a laughably bad psychiatrist. imagine if a doctor was treating a very bad injury and said "well I can only bandage you up and give you pain meds, but you don't really want that, do you?"
I'm glad you were able to able to finally get a diagnosis at least.
Anyway to not see that psychiatrist ever again and switch?
@@kathrynrhodes7785 it was a child and teenager psychiatrist. So luckily I'm out. I believe she isn't working anymore, probs cz of age but idk. Now I have seen a mix of good and bad and ok doctors. I'm living in the city now, so I'm not as dependend on whats available in the village area,+ I'm an adult :D. At least on paper.
yup, when I confronted my mom at age 34 and asked if she ever suspected I had ADHD as a child, she said yes but she never pursued a diagnosis b/c I had good grades and friends. TBH I don't recall struggling with it until I was an adult, but there's not as much imposed routine and structure and more responsibility.
@@lilredheadmlhI found out a few months ago at 31 that I'm AuDHD. When I was researching I found that it most likely isn't a coincidence that a bunch of my signs I had when I was little, mysteriously returned shortly after stopping birth control pills. Estrogen actually might just be why many women go undiagnosed. I was put on it when I was 15 and it masked my stimming, helped with social anxiety quite a bit, and DEFINITELY lessened my sensory overload meltdowns! Not sure if that could be true for you or not, but thought it was an interesting bit of info to find!
I have never once had a conversation like this with my mum. It wouldn’t be possible. Even how comfortable you are with her. We just aren’t close and it makes me so sad…
❤ same! My mom was actually the one that suggested I could be adhd (in my 40s) because my aunt had just been diagnosed (in her 60s) and she saw some similarities…but then when I actually was diagnosed, she said I never had it as a child…I “had to have gotten it later in life because I would have noticed”…yeah thanks mom, calling bullsh*t on that one 🤔
Mine won’t allow me to mention adhd. I get told to shut up. I’m 42 yrs old. Haha
Me too. It sucks. But I csn talk like this with my 20yo daughter. Be the change!
The hair twirling, hair in mouth, and telling people to feel how soft it is are all things that I did/do!! Haven’t ever heard anyone talk about those things.
SAME!!!! On all fronts 😩
😂 same here!!! I am not alone
I was a teenage boy in the 70s and grew my hair long and would twirl it and put it in my mouth. Wasn’t diagnosed until my 60s but all the signs were there (including straight A’s in high school and then crashing out of college).
Building accommodations for yourself without realizing that's what you're doing! YES!! I'm still trying to deconstruct the massive web of them, but progress is absolutely there.
I've recently just found you while being stuck in scrolling paralysis in RUclips shorts and I have never resonated so much with someone. Finally someone who is just like me! My normal. I just had the courage two weeks ago to see my doctor about having ADHD/ADD and I've truly appreciated your vulnerability and honesty you have to show others we are normal, we just think and act different.
Thank you for being you and keep doing what you're doing!
Hi, your message resonated with me. I feel like people around me don’t have space for me as I am. But I’m finding it on youtube. My extroverted side combined with not knowing how normal people conduct relationships is hard. The accidentally interrupting and cutting people off because I get distracted. Needing a lot of time to formulate myself. Paralysis, special interests and energy bursts. It’s hard sometime when you have people expecting you to function normally, when I juggle so many other things on top of it. It’s a fine act, and one wrong step will fuck me up mentally for some time. In the long run- burn out.
I got on a tangent of trauma dumping there, but what I was trying to say is affirmation and connecting with ACCEPTING people with similar experience is SO helpful, healthy. To let go of carrying all the insecurities, pain, masking/overanalyzing and all. And to feel safe to just be. Because life can be so beautiful and I don’t wish to not be who I am.
Thanks for talking about leaving college. I dropped out of high school and two colleges due to severe time blindness from undiagnosed ADHD (plus teachers' INCORRECT assumption that lateness is always willful disrespect).😟Even though I loved learning and got good grades, it wasn't until I went back to college years later that I realized I wasn't stupid.🥺👩🎓Sitting in the front row was key for me too for minimizing distractions!
I also learned to pad my schedule with extra classes so I could drop the least interesting ones and still have enough units.
And it made a huge difference to force myself to put important dates on my calendar right away at the beginning of the semester and review it in the evening, morning, and a week in advance:
- assignment deadlines and test dates from every syllabus
- campus closed dates
- *DROP DEADLINES!!!!* (I'd have no Fs if I'd learned this earlier!😲)
- finals week.
(If I had it do over I'd add a calendar reminder a month or two before finals to request time off in advance from my job. I once flubbed a class I'd had an A in because I got sick during finals from stress and overwork.😟😮💨)
The community college I attended when I first went back to school eased me in and actually had *better* teachers than many at the more prestigious 4-year school I attended. And I had FUN the second (4th?) time around! ; - D I also saved a TON of money by doing general ed requirements for my bachelor's degree there before transferring.
A college degree is NOT required for a good life (!!!), but if you want one, there are many paths to get there. 🤓❤📚
I got my second degree (European History) in my 40s. I don't think I ever lodged an assignment on time! But as I was a sole parent with a full time job, they always gave me extensions. I ended up doing really well - all that ADHD energy and focus.
I’m blown away by how sweet and empathetic your mum is. I can only dream 🥺🥺 if my mum was able to have this level of empathy with me instead of using my traits against me and putting me down I would have so much more confidence
You sound SO much like my 15 year old daughter who we just recently had diagnosed with ADHD. We felt awful we missed it. She’s a great student and although she talks a lot we didn’t think that was odd. But so many of the other things you described she also did! I’ll be watching for more tips for her. Thank you!
You’re doing great, mama!! Being supportive means the WORLD. ❤
as a daughter that means so much. i would sob if my mom did this for me
OMG she sounds exactly like me
Imagine if all of our parents had access to social media like we do! The way they could have seen they're not alone. The way your mom describes you, is exactly me as a kid. I'm the youngest of 4 and my mom and dad always say "if we had you first, we never would have had more children". This is all so relatable. Glad I found your account!
I can relate to all this but I've never been diagnosed. Thanks for sharing ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Thanks for watching!! 💕✨
I need to show this to my therapist, specifically when you talk about school and ish. I was diagnosed with ADHD but at my most recent CBT appointment we came back around the idea that I might not be ADHD and the only example she said to "prove" it was that I did well in school. However, just because I got good grades and managed to sit in my seat the entire class and get good grades, doesn't mean I didn't have other difficulties. I honestly don't know how I did so well in school as I was generally hyperfocused on writing fanfiction and not paying attention
There's so much more to prove you have adhd ass an adult.
ADHD can also be inattentive-type! I also performed generally well in K-12 + my prev. psychiatrist refused to evaluate me for ADHD bc of it. There’s definitely a pattern emerging of AFAB people being diagnosed as adults who are intelligent and did well in school. For me, it was from being good at taking tests w/o studying + cranking out projects the night before they’re due!
Also, that wasn’t cool of your therapist. If it’d be accessible to you, a therapist that specializes in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy can be more helpful for ADHD!
@savvy_gamer8159 Unfortunately, misconceptions about ADHD are widespread among clinicians, including the myth that you can't have ADHD if you did well in school. An article from a reputable publication about "twice-exceptional" (2E) students who have both ADHD and academic gifts is the way I'd go, although to be honest, I've learned from experience that most clinicians are usually pretty resistant to letting go of incorrect beliefs. To me, a therapist questioning such an insight-building and shame-reducing diagnosis as ADHD is a major red flag, so I hope you trust your gut and do what feels right to you. You deserve to feel seen and believed, especially in the vulnerable space of therapy.
I found this video very informative too: What is 2e Twice Exceptional? How to know if a student is 2e?
Good wishes to you! : - )
@@bellaluce7088 I Never heard before about Twice Exceptional student, that's sooo interesting and I was definitely one! :O Being 33 it's kinda late (XD) but I'm still finding it fascinating to learn more about, thanks for sharing! :)
@savvy_gaymer8159 I really really hope you found a therapist who's able to work with ADHD people, by what you're saying it looks like yours doesn't know what they're talking about and invalidating a diagnosis that we ourselves already tend to invalidate (at times) can be so harmful :_(
I relate to this so much! I got diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-20’s and then Autism in my early 30’s! So much of my life now makes SENSE!!
this is so informative! I relate to so much of this. your mom was lovely❤
Momma Honeyman is the OG
Thank you so much.. I did not realise how many things that I do when high school like sitting at the front row in the class so that I can concentrate and not worrying about looking at other people head… My university years ohhh my goodness WORST time of my study life.. I even skip classes for like 2 or weeks every semester until my lecture call my dad come to my university.. I want to drop out so badly because of my depression and guilt for not going to classes.. This keep going for 9 years of my university year… It was so bad.. I am not even kidding.. My classmates usually don’t want to be friends with but I am grateful for the one that atleast try to be with me..
I just found out I have really extreme adhd. I just thought I was pathetic, isolated and screwed up from depression but nope. And come to find out, I can’t get the medication I need to function because there’s a shortage.😢 wtf
Piece of advice. Try everything u can before medication. They have lasting effects on your body. My wife has extreme ADHD and I'm always looking for ways to help her with it. Biggest difference makers:
1. Cut out all things that give your a dopamine charge. ie:sugar, phone/tv, alcohol/drugs. All these things make the symptoms worse by a LOT. Make it permanent if possible.
2. Exercise every day. I set up a routine for her and within 3 weeks she was a new person. This replaces the dopamine u would normally get from the stuff in #1 with healthy, natural dopamine.
3.Always have a hobby, anything that interests u enough to stay focused on. I understand it will change after awhile. Just make sure u always have something. Anything to keep u from sitting down and getting depressed. Thats always the worst road block my wife hits.
Hope this helps. Good luck and God bless.
Somewhere around 12(?) minutes in, there’s talk about boring lectures vs. stuff written down….um. YES??!!! I HAVE TO have things written down for me or I don’t really even have a chance at remembering things!! 🙈🙈🙈
I was this way. I was very thick headed. My mom used to say “mommy’s ears need a rest.” I went on to have two boys and they are both the very funnest bits of me 😂😂😂 No long term consequences or rewards to motivate us to give effs. I used to run around saying “dabbydueydaddy” and we still have no idea what this means.
This video is really interesting but I really can't focus with the background noise! I want to hear what you're both saying and my silly brain can't tune the noise out well.
Background noise and the people walking around are pretty distracting
Follow the convo with the transcript below the video
You seem to have such great relationship with your mom, and it was really sweet to watch your interactions with her. ❤
The part of having her desk out in the hall not being a punishment, but an unintentional accommodation just made me remember my time in elementary school where I placed in an island desk, far away from my group, in class bc I kept playing with erasers with my friend in 4th grade. After the initial shame of being singled out had worn off, I remember being more focused on my work than I had ever previously been that year. My grades were much better and I understood the work a lot more to the point where my mother tried to keep me in that spot for longer bc I was thriving in a way I never really had before. Didn't really work since the teacher hated me, but now that I think back on it, it was always when I had the distractions physically removed from me (island desk, being placed in the hallway alone, having my independent reading time be away from other kids and by bare walls...etc) that let me properly focus on schoolwork. A few minutes of boredom seemed like eternity and when the only other thing that's there is a work packet... Needless to say, when isolated like that, I usually got my stuff done very quickly.
But I feel like maybe I'm deluding myself a bit because wouldn't anyone focus better when left alone like that?
Ok so growing up I had these magnet toys to build stuff with and they were *exactly* like the fidget toys in the ad, except colorful and with metal balls to use as joints, and let me tell you, I would spend *hours* upon *hours* just playing with the magnet sticks in the exact same way the fidget toy is demonstrated.
You're not deluding yourself. Removing distractions is a recognized accommodation in ADHD. A person with 20/20 vision can see with or without a magnifying glass, but a visually impaired person needs it. ❤
So fascinating getting your mom’s perspective on it!
Wow! Your story is so relatable! I was undiagnosed (and still am only self-diagnosed AuDHD) and I was overachiever at school and thought that uni wouldn't be any different, but it was a lot harder and I also dropped out after 2,5 years! But I started from the beginning again, in another country, and it is better for me so far, but still very challenging. Thank you for sharing your story!
Side note y’all are both gorgeous. ❤ I’m looking to get evaluated finally for asd but diagnosed very late for adhd. I’m excited to see this conversation with you two!
Oml ehm ok so first of all amazing video but also talking about hyper focused on something well I hyper focused on finding sign of adhd in my childhood and omg there is so many………. Well anyway u make my week every time u post and I see you as the most amazing idol
me looking at everyone stopping in front of the camera during this whole video
i did some research for myself on adhd and found so many things my parents or sisters do but the thing is, parents can't see those as "a sign of something uncommon" since they act the same way and never got a diagnosis, they think it's normal
I’ve been diagnosed autistic but not ADHD. I’ve been thinking more and more a lot of my symptoms seem to align with ADHD. Some of the more common ones might just be masked by the autism ironically. We will see. But your content has been very helpful either way.
AuDHD, perhaps? I self-diagnosed ADHD some time ago & have just started letting myself consider autism….after years of ignoring the possibility. So…who knows! But finding out could really help you…❤
wish i had the confidence to sit in ny in a public space and talk about adhd with your mum- mad respect for that and as someone who believes to have adhd at age 21 this is perfect
Omg I lost my bed as a kid for a punishment and had garbage bags of toys I lost and had to "earn" back to the point of some of those bags getting tossed into the trash because "out of sight out of mind" and I forgot I cared about them. I could literally sit in an empty room and daydream and entertain myself.
Answering before finishing the vid - hello ADHD! Omg the hair twirl and hair in mouth thing - 100%!!
You're mom seems like such as sweet heart and I'm so glad that you can openly talk to her about your ADHD! My mom unfortunately chooses to remain ignorant and unsympathetic towards my symptoms and struggles with ADHD. I can't be vocal about my struggles with her at all. All of my symptoms are just seen as bullsh*t excuses to her. It's incredibly tough having ADHD when your family refuses to acknowledge it and offer support.
WHERE did you get your shirt?? Also, I also went undiagnosed with ADHD for a very long time and I love that you've made a space for people like us ❤
WAIT!!! You’re from BC!? So cool. I’m in Vancouver. Your channel is so validating.
Me:
hair brushing
(Thank you got this video) 😊😊😊
I never stopped
Started lots of things and never finished
Never said no!
Crashed hard after bouts of extreme anxiety
It wasn’t caught until my late 20s because I am very “(SMART)”
Extreme impatience.
Constantly over stimulated and extremely impatient.
😊it never goes away. I’m 37 😊…We just learn to live with it and love ourselves better.
So happy to have found you. ❤
Dude, you guys started talking about doing the hair twirling, which I've done since forever, and I instinctively started hair twirling
What fidget would you recommend that's quiet? The stimaz looks amazing, but that clicking would bother me when I am around other people.
Webkinz is amazing!! I had so many when I was younger and I loved them so much!!
I played my kids’ webkinz for hours while they were at school. The Curio Shop was my favorite!
The writing was on point. I was making “books” all the time, even when I was super little. I’m still doing that sort of thing 20 years later.
I noticed that teardrop glisten and fall from your chin to your neck at around 2:29 -ish. I feel you
I LOVE THIS VIDEO. There’s so much background noise and I am here for it.
Okay two minutes in. I never played with my hair. But my mom messed with my hair a lot when i was little. And ive had an undercut for like...five or six years now. I was legitimately thinking about this earlier today, that one of my self soothe types of stims is so stroke the back of my head when its nicely buzzed and short. I love how it feels to my scalp and my hand.
It's wild how different an upbringing can be. The lack of knowledge combined with compassion and a desire to help is so different than what I went through, where my fidgets were cause for vicious mockery (usually by my own dad), a complete disinterest in learning about my condition and how to live in peace with it, let alone help or comfort, and the mindset that, if I blame my condition, it's a crutch, but if they did, that I was supposed to control it on demand. THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!!!!
Neither of my parents really believe in adhd or autism. I think I have both. I’m pretty sure my brother and cousin have spectrum disorders too. These things are genetic. My parents are most determinedly ‘normal’.
And have also both had breakdowns. As in, signed off sick for multiple months, lost jobs etc, catastrophic level breakdowns. But they had each other and scheduled their breakdowns so the
other was working and got away with it. Like they aren’t neurodivergent…..🤥. They don’t want to see it.
I relate to almost all of this and I have a question: I just met a person I’d really like to be friends with. We have SOOOO much in common. I think we could be good friends but I have no Idea what steps to take. My first instinct is to inundate her with book suggestions and every reason we should be friends but I know (from past experience) that that’s not going to do anything but make her ghost me. Basically I have no idea what else to do so I feel like there is no point in pursuing it at all. So we’ll likely just remain acquaintances (at best) just like every other time this has happened in my life. It’s either to much or nothing, but they both have pretty similar results. Any suggestions??
invite them to do an activity that both of you would enjoy! i always find that gives the right amount of structure and when the activity is done then you can choose if youd like to do something else or go home! hope this helped!
Thanks
@@talyar04
I think there are autists on the internet that have webinars for questions like that...think two are mom on the spectrum and autism from the inside.
Autism an adhd overlap or co-occur a lot...could be helpful.
I was diagnosed at 40. I can’t blame my parents because my dad has undiagnosed ADHD so they thought I was normal. However school on the other hand should have picked it up but I was just left to do what I wanted when it was very very clear that I needed support.
You are so relatable thank you so much for sharing🌞
I think your mom is only a few years older than I am. I also was put out in the hallway frequently when I was in elementary school because I spent too much time watching my classmates or looking out the window. But the isolation did not help me. I still did well in school, but it took me a lot longer to get my work done than everyone else.
I did not have long enough hair. . . I do however have my sweatshirt strings. On the sweatshirt with the broken zipper because I like those ones the best
Maybe I'm projecting but I sensed some reluctance and upset in you in the beginning. I've pondered the same questions with some resentment. Like now that I'm an adult I feel like "BUT IT WAS SO OBVIOUS!? HOW COULD YOU MISS IT??" but I also think the overall conversation highlights multiple possible blind spots in noticing it in children (not even getting to diagnosing). Acting in certain ways is considered cute and/of funny or just a "thing kids do". I can only guess it gets more complicated when dealing with intangible situations like feelings and stressors and the lack of a good way to measure or communicate about it. Not to mention the autobiographic aspect - if she was similar in her childhood then it gives a bias towards not questioning it. It's sad that children's emotional issues take a back seat when compared to physical ailments but really considering them seems to be a very new concept anyway (especially with girls and ADHD). Anyway, I could never have conversations like this with my mum, so I'm endlessly thankful for you for your vulnerability and willingness to share! In the end it calmed my own negative feelings towards the topic. Thank you so much!
Edited because I clicked "comment" too soon. Because ADHD, lol.
Omg my daughter does that, she goes hey mom feel it, it's really soft. So cool
PS. Ok the writing thing, I was the exact same way so cool. Even before o could write I was already trying to, I write a lot.
I thought you should know your promotional link doesn't work anymore. But also i wasn't diagnosed until this year at the age of 41, so i am well aware of the struggle that comes with being undiagnosed.
It was totally up to me to even notice it and insist on an assessment before i could even get medication, and now with these shortages its been quite a struggle.
I did the same thing of learning the 1D boys voices and trying to train my mom to ID them! Luckily mom started to like their music so she didn't get too frustrated with me doing that.
I literally said "you are my favourite daughter" to my daughter yesterday. She is also an only child.
Everything you described is exactly what I experienced (minus the first word).
As an autistic I also love the feeling of soft hair. It makes me oddly happy. Like when I hug my crush with long hair it makes me tingle inside.
How’d you get diagnosed with autism
It’s so funny because I think NYC is the best place for my ADHD because of how stimulating it is and interesting everything is all the time. I’m from there but don’t live there anymore and I’m sooo bored now lol even though I still live in a city.. nothing compares to New York
Just the fact that she used the "my favorite daughter..i know." Joke means shes cool. 😂❤
That may be your experience, but my mom also used to make that 'joke' all the time, and she sucks. 🤷♀
Her mom does seem really cool though. I wish my mom was more like hers.
WOW the bit on education describes my experience to a T.
Diagnosed 43 after sons diagnosis and just lost mum to severe ms and myself fybromyalgia CFS 27 years or is it autistic burnout
I have both MS and ADHD and hyperfocus over which came first and how it impacted the other.
@@auntkaren3803 just lost my mum to severe ms I have add Asperger's heds do you have heds do you have a lot of pain
@@auntkaren3803my mum's ms started at grandmother's funeral I advice a tmj splint to help blood flow as ADHD Asperger's comes with hypomobility
Omg my mom told me that when I was in daycare, there was a clown on the wall (this is before I saw IT amd got traumatized) and I kept trying to scrape it off (it was made out paper and glued on) and I. Would. Never. Leave. It. Alone. And so my dayroom room teacher told my mom about it and said I was "DIFFERENT". So we had to switch me to different rooms. So I was showing hyperfixation as early as a year and a half. Now I have a big spot on my wall where I have pulled the paint off.
Wait is your mom diagnosed with ADHD too?
as someone who is likely adhd with no contact with my parents, this hurts.
Loving your content, but the ourdoor noise makes it really overstimulating to listen to!! hope you can also make talks like this without background noise :)
I do the hair twirl too!
Them: "Don't worry, the background noise dies down"
Video: 13:28 (fidget clicking, siren, street music, passerbys...)
I run my hair through my lips all the time lol! I can't relate to that part more. My friend does the same thing too and we're both neuro divergent 😂😎
we also have the same name lol 💕 same spelling too!
Touch my hair it's so soft, I do that all the time. Funny to hear from another.
I did that hair thing I used to suck on my hair and I hated that I did it but I couldn’t help it.
I was diagnosed in 1993 as a girl with the distractability variety.
Im having hard time understanding ADHD vs ASD.
I was literally in the middle of twirling my hair.
Holy shit this was like looking in a mirror 😂😅
The noise im sorry im going to another of your videos xoxo
I had to stop watching this, all I could here was background noise 😂
Oh my god 😅
Does your mom have adhd too?
onomatopoeia...
this is an amazing piece of expression & i actually shared this with my mom to help her understand my internal struggles 🥲
As someone who got diagnosed last yr at the age of 22, it’s made so many of my struggles make sense and it’s sad to think how different life would have been if i got help sooner 🥲
Feel that. It was 26 for me. My parents even knew it since i was a child, yet never took it seriously... and never told it to me.
Well i restart now and cut them out of my life.