"It is a mistake to look at someone who is self assertive and say, "It's easy for her, she has good self-esteem." One of the ways you build self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There are always times when self-assertiveness requires courage, no matter how high your self-esteem". Nathaniel Branden
I love your call out with how women tend to feel that they are being or are labeled as aggressive, when in actuality, it’s more assertive. Definitely victim to this, on both ends.
I much prefer the word consequence instead of punishment. Consequences are about what you will do to protect YOURSELF and keep your boundary, punishment is about controlling others. For example, if you say "please stop yelling" and they don't you can say "I cannot let you yell at me; I am leaving to stay with my sister, I will be back tomorrow if you want to talk without yelling"...it's not "if you're yelling, I'm going to put your favorite socks in the blender." Nor is it "you're yelling! I'm LEAVING!" and thus manipulate them to panic as punishment. That's toxic.
Aishling: Could you ask your teacher supervisor where you do auscultation during the training, to please teach you some assertiveness? I know what you mean, and it is important for you as well as your students, since they'll learn better if you are sure in yourself. can you look at some Chakra balance book or videos? Peter ten Hoopen has a brief description of them (7) and a free test, as well as what signs show balanced vs imbalanced chakra(s) U can go to an energy therapist, a good one. (Barbara Brennan School) Just training like the good psychologist suggests won't do it much if one has a deeper imbalance.
sounds like you're throwing your pearls before swine if people don't appreciate you, no point wasting your time on them (trust me I know how this can suck when it's straight up your own family)
being an asian gal and growing up around other humble/passive ppl for most of my life, I'm used to being kind and humble myself, its basically a big part of who I am. But now that I've moved out, surrounding myself with different groups of ppl, I often find myself being around ppl that try to take advantage of this. I guess when it comes to my actions, I'm assertive when I need to be cause I'm ok with saying no, but my mannerisms and the way I present myself to the world somehow sends the wrong message, and it seems like people can already sense I'm a soft af before even meeting me...I always get myself in shitty situations with ppl that try to take advantage of this
assertive = impenetrable shield/defense of self/boundaries aggressive = sword/attack toward others with a balance between direct vs tactful, which is a trade between choosing higher effectiveness vs higher social/emotional connection
I love how calm and professional you are. As an undergrad student working toward becoming a clinical psychologist one day I really do look up to you. Keep up the awesome work!!
Was at work yesterday having an excellent conversation that was 4.5 hours of our 6 hour shift together. She is a black woman and I'm a white guy. Little small talk and deep topics that brought out lots of good stuff. When we get excited we tend to get louder which she did. We were at work and the others around could hear the heat and stayed away. There was a few times I wanted to cool off how loud we were getting but we were both learning so much and I didn't want to mess with the flow. Topics were deeply personal not offensive (mostly self/help/spiritual/growth/business) but probably not appreciated by others who just catch a piece and didn't know the context. I love my job and we've both been there a long time yet never met til yesterday. I wanted to 'control' (my issue) but felt we were moving through so much energy that it was better to let it fly and hope all is well. LOL Which it seems like it is but who knows it's only been a day. So with your experiences do you think I did the right thing by letting it go or should I have slowed it down to a lower energy to make others more comfortable? I think passerby's would have seen her as being 'aggressive' instead of 'passionate' and excited to talk to someone who could/would talk to her on that level.
@Fireflies; I’m a Black dude and simply having a neutral expression can be misconstrued as angry by other races. As far as your situation, if those who you work with are quick to label you angry whenever you’re not super dainty and submissive, they’ll find a reason. Public figures like Kamala Harris, Megan Markel, Michelle Obama and a Labour MP here in the UK called Diane Abbot have to deal with a lot of vile abuse simply for being assertive and competent, as confident Black women can dent some people’s fragile ego, so begin to besmirch them with terms like angry, even when not warranted because it’s dog whistle term, so ignore your colleagues negative output or response whenever or if you choose to let off steam at work.
There’s a difference b/w aggressiveness and assertiveness. If you’re able to to be assertive I think you can destroy that misconception of aggressiveness in your own life. But tbh, there’s nothing really wrong with aggressive women. Understanding that it can be a detrimental stereotype for BW, it still stands that if you as a person are genuinely like that... don’t feel the need to change.
@@mordecai8707 not necessarily. People are ignorant when racist and we cannot control how ppl choose for misunderstand Us. Train ppl not to stereotype. It isn't up to her. Maybe you can't relate.
@@cre8gnr8nrg That's interesting. I'm glad that you have a diverse friend at work. Maybe you could chat about some other loud people (Leslie Jones, Tiffany Haddish) and work the subject into the conversation. I would like to read Ana's response. The loud thing is common but not all Black women are like that. I can say that I would just talk at my average volume and let the other person be who they are. I have a neighbor on my floor and she always has loud conversations in the hall way. As much as I want to open my door and ask her to tone it down; I choose to mind my business. Obviously the person never really learned about social etiquette, but most are great people. These are the women that Hollywood loves.🙂
I'd like to share where I got tripped up on being assertive in case anyone else has a similar issue. I was okay with expresing what I needed but I assumed they wouldn't understand or would blow me off/ignore me/invalidate me. This did happen sometimes. If I had maintained my boundaries with myself and continued to respect myself and validate myself instead of taking it personally and assuming it makes me a close-minded person or a bad listener I would have been able to calmly set boundaries or limit the ammount of time I exposed myself to people who ignore me. I was afraid of losing that person and I should have slowed down and tried to be rational while being kind to myself.
i've always been aware of my lack of assertiveness, but actually doing the exercises to distil why exactly I'm this way was enlightening! it ties so well with my social anxiety. evil buddies working hand-in-hand to disempower me. but I think incorporating these challenges will really help me take control over my life! I'm tired of being so passive. I've never felt like a true participant in my own life because I've always prioritised the needs and wants of others. now let me start taking steps to actually living. thanks for this!💕
I don't tolerate disrespect and I have no problem giving someone a warning if I feel they are being disrespectful. However, I put off an "aura" that makes me appear very intense and sometimes unapproachable. I don't mean to do this, but a lifetime as a soldier has instilled a deep set of core values within my psyche. The only times I don't feel confident are when I haven't done the proper research to know what I'm talking about or when I want to approach someone I find attractive. I think the first case is understandable but as for the second case, I believe my aura is what's holding me back. Unfortunately, I don't know how to dial back the aura and I've learned to put on a facade in order to compensate. The downside to putting on a front is the fact that I can't maintain it for very long, I can only do it for roughly an hour before I become mentally drained. I would like to retire the proverbial mask if possible, but I'm not sure how I would go about doing that. Would you have any recommendations I could research this?
What does assertiveness look like: Confident body language. (check) Expressing your wants, needs boundaries clearly, directly and effectively not aggressively: (sometimes yes and sometimes no, always adapting an predicting possible reactions/outcomes before communicating) I've got a friend who will do 'negs' and will have behaviors trying to 'alpha' me as that was the dynamic growing up but I've changed and it's making him uncomfortable. Even threw a 'neg' he tossed at me 2 years ago and it being why I'm changing. So he changed the subject because he's thinking he'll lose his longtime friend. He's not, he's just losing a dynamic of 'power' he held above his friend. So now I'm competition in his eyes but I don't view the world like that but whatever. LOL Respectful and open to compromising. Boundaries based on values or things important to you: ( Always respectful unless disrespected and then chose to give someone a taste of what they're dishing out but amplified. LOL I'm so bad but good at it LOL. I compromise way more than I should because I don't feel good about it because I yield more than I want to because I can and do. I'm not sure what my boundaries are because they've changed so much over the decades. I'm not static and I see more grey than black and white. I know specifics when discussed in the moment but I don't seem to fall into a typical pattern/norm as I'm taking information in and discarding what doesn't fit at this time. However later on it might click into place from earlier exposure and new information. So I'd say I'm assertive enough and adapt to the situation. My relationships is where I think I could work on it because I'm such a pleaser I've put myself in situations that I wouldn't have because I'm wanting to please the one I'm with. Casual dating I'm more assertive but when it gets 'relationship/bf/gf title I'm putty in her hands so I have to choose wisely. LOL I should just be single and find 'Muse's' LOL =)
I feel woman are conditioned to dim themselves a lot. Also told to smile f.e. by my boss with fragile masculinity. I am flip flopping back and forth between assertive and people pleaser at work.
HI Ana: I am so glad that I discovered your videos. You are a genius psychologist, so gifted and spend hours of time preparing useful videos, based on research, science, giving the outline of your talk and references for your audience, all for free. I am a psychiatrist and I have learned so much from you. will look forward to your videos. You are an inspiration and good role model for many esp. young women.
I’m interested in the passive aggressive personality disorder video. I feel like many people could be passive aggressive and want to learn more about it.
Ayy Ana, just came across this vid and your channel and I gotta say this is such a great, informative video. I've always struggled with being assertive, and have always avoided it mentally, because when I think about how unassertive I am it makes me feel less than, and worthless. Especially since, over the years, I have built up this idea that, as a male, I am less than because of my lack of assertion, and just general smaller build compared to most men. While I don't really have as many body image issues as I did when I was younger, those thoughts still persist and keep me from asserting myself in many situations. Just from thinking about what in my past has made me unassertive, I can see how my parents greatly affected the ways I behave around others, with my father being overly aggressive towards my mother and strangers, and my mother being overly passive. This video has been extremely eye opening, and I will keep doing the exercises and referring back to this video. Thank you.
Dear Ana, Thank you so much for the video! I am moved and so sad... why aren't the psychologists out there like this? Or is it because it is online and you are able to modify things to get optimal, whereas live sessions with unpredictable, complex, imbalanced human patients is more challenging? I feel angry and sad that no-one told me things like this, and that most doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists behave (seem) so unknowing, hard, distant and even cruel. Not only don't they treat and help properly, putting some effort and knowledge into sessions, but they withhold important knowledge and info about me, as well as deceive, lie, slander, manipulate and abuse. I regret having searched for help and got my health and life destroyed 10 times more instead. If you work with patients too doing things like in your videos, they are lucky to have you and I hop they appreciate you and make the most of what they get. If you need a research object or have a free spot for some therapy or coaching, I should be willing and grateful. It was a relief to hear you speak tactfully with warmth and understanding towards ppl who behave in unfortunate, annoying ways.I have lived with the question for some years now, and researched: How come they are contemptuous towards patients with unpleasant behaviours, when the (should) know that it is expressing suffering?Hope it won't be too late.Like they express such condemnation and vilifying of narcissists and other dark triads, where more hate and harm back won't change the world. I have long thought there must be explanations to psychopaths and narcissists, nobody is born evil. And even I am treated as though I were evil and bad, despite them knowing I am traumatized, severely stressed, and haven't got a full night's sleep since 1997. It is as though I am denied my humanness and human basic needs, and as though I can't have my faults and weaknesses, while others are "welcome to play" with all sorts of bad flaws and behaviours. But I am beginning to solve that mystery too. I scored 44 on your test and am puzzled, because I have low self esteem and assertiveness. I'd change the test, it is ambiguous in part, and not clear what you want. because higher scores show assertiveness, right? What do you want us to tick when one IS afraid, ashamed, shy, inhibited, unsure etc but does the thing despite that? And when managing to do it in itself, but not successfully, not getting the good results at all, as assertive people do? Ppl say I am insecure, but I still have long had the distinct feeling and knowing that I am stuck in sickness unnecesarily, and that I could be quite strong and assertive. It seems that nobody believes I can heal, and I get crazy angry because I can't prove it unless I get my basic needs met and access to some resources.It's hard to get it that such sensible, educated, wise people should not get it or ask ME about it. Drs, therapists and Psychiatrists have called me gifted and intelligent, competent and well-read. Even if that is exaggerated, why didn't they examine me according tó what I know and what others know? Use the accumulated facts? I fear it is because of pride and arrogance, and no interest in patients getting well or care about unnecessary suffering.. Still, If they dislike unbalanced, negative behaviour - why not treat harmed, fragile, lost, exhausted, struggling, constructive, active, self-helping, loving, forgiving patients WELL instead of cheating, abusing, manipulating, evading, gas-lighting, slandering, punishing for what is expression of sickness, medicating without examining and assessing right?? How can they know all they do , see one's difficulties and suffering, and still demand perfectly stable, grounded, balanced behaviour with a mind functioning automatically like a machine? When even machines break if the don't get rest and care.... .
Thank you! Very useful especially the example at the end with the scene of the office, also the idea of tracking the assertiveness moments and check them for improvement. I will do it! I am actually more prone to aggressive behaviour with strangers who cross my boundaries and passive with friends so I am a bit messed up but I am confident these tips will help me. Thanks again!
"I value my mental health!" I haven't been watching the political stuff or the news and it's been more helpful than I imagined 😊 what a gob of much needed, wanted gratitude finding your most valuable and helpful channel..blessings!
Barley noticed I watched and listened to this for nearly half an hour. Not in a bad way either, I mean that it was another pleasant video to tune into. Really admire the lecturing on how I can mentally exercise to achieve better in life it’s timeless. Thank you, Ana
i feel like im stuck between being passive aggressive and assertive. i get scared of how ppl will respond bc ive had ppl negatively respond to when i was speaking up for myself or when i felt uncomfortable. also guys are intimated by how i know what i want bc they’re use to girls being submissive 🤢
This is absolutely sterling content. A related book I read served as a pivotal catalyst in my life. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Hey Ana, I Realized the root of my lack of assesrtiveness is because I don't trust myself. Do you have any advice on this or a video I can watch? thanks!
I've been searching for a practical online assertiveness training where clients can engage in live chat simulated situations, but I've found none. Do you know if there is any one that you would suggest?
Judging from just this bit of Office, I think the woman was not optimally assertive and fair to Michael, especially as she seems to be some kind of career coach. He has personal issues and not that easy with relationships. She might understand that a kiss would be something to him. She made the mistake of letting it happen and should own it to him, before adding the dismissing, ending words, and be considerate of his feelings.Being rejected is hard enough. Denying it even happened seems weak to me, not assertive. And not letting him get closure too. But then I haven't seen the whole series and if he is manipulating and never learning, maybe she is over-taxed and takes a short.cut to end it. What is the organic, physical context of Histrionics, please?
What would be the best way to respond to this situation: Your coworker is upset about their recent performance review. They start yelling and slamming their fist on their desk. This is making you very uncomfortable.
I am subscribed, and regularly like. The 6:34 "from what I've heard" Kamala Harris reference sounds like you sincerely did not do your research. Why didn't you do your research for this video, yet make the reference? "From what I've heard" is the reason that you have received a "thumbs down".
Am I the only one who didn't find this particularly helpful in a practical manner? It seems like the target of the video was more academics in this field, rather than people who actually struggle with assertiveness. Lots of information, but I don't feel there was any real practical actionable advice I could use other than get CBT. It's basically - Find out why you're not assertive, then be assertive, now you are assertive. It's more a rundown of what CBT would entail, rather than an actual "How to" video.
I've been labelled as being "bossy" way too often even in just social or relaxed settings, it's just my nature. How would you differentiate between assertiveness and bossiness
While waiting for her reply, I'd say, assertive is with a balanced ego, humility and consideration, as well as awareness of the other, and non-trauma-affected, while bossy is more likely the opposite. Although bossy can also be someone still somewhat unaware of himself, not yet quite mature but not necessarily with a marked ego problem.What grounds do you have for saying it is just your nature? have you studied yourself? What is your age?
@@Medietos thanks a lot for the reply! I'm not really that good with words or being able to sugar coat things, no matter how delicate I try to be. So sometimes people really don't like assertiveness and may be overly intimidated by me.
@@mariamabdelwahab744 : Might you want to use this vid and my reply and her tests etc and get to know yourself?Are you sensitive and high-strung at all? Ithink assertiveness, the real kind, comes with knowing words, having social competence, at least somewhat.How did my reply sit with you? I hpe I was not being bossy,hahaha!
I think you mis-defined passive-agressiveness. It's not when you are overly aggressive, but rather you indirectly be aggressive and mean almost instead of actually vocalizing what is your main point of grievance or demand. You kinda put the onus on the person you are aggressing to figure out why you are being so mean all of a sudden.
![Megan Thee Stallion - Bigger In Texas [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/QxTkZTLWdo4/mqdefault.jpg)
"It is a mistake to look at someone who is self assertive and say, "It's easy for her, she has good self-esteem." One of the ways you build self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There are always times when self-assertiveness requires courage, no matter how high your self-esteem".
Nathaniel Branden
The only thing you have to do to have extreme self-esteem and confidence is being born attractive, many studies to prove it.
@@Danuxsy no
I’m reading his book the six pillars of self-esteem it’s awesome
I’m a doormat so I’m very excited for this
How long have you felt this way?
@@hellofadeception8845 middle school and upper school, got better in college and adulthood but it’s very hard!
Same
And you’re gonna keep being one if you keep talking about yourself that way speak what you want into the world
Mee tooo!
As a woman scientist, who is young and works primarily with men, thank you. I needed this.
you rock. glad this video spoke to you!
I love your call out with how women tend to feel that they are being or are labeled as aggressive, when in actuality, it’s more assertive. Definitely victim to this, on both ends.
Dont be afraid to make ur vids longer Ana.... Trust we will watch all of it lol. Knowledge is the new entertainment!
I much prefer the word consequence instead of punishment.
Consequences are about what you will do to protect YOURSELF and keep your boundary, punishment is about controlling others. For example, if you say "please stop yelling" and they don't you can say "I cannot let you yell at me; I am leaving to stay with my sister, I will be back tomorrow if you want to talk without yelling"...it's not "if you're yelling, I'm going to put your favorite socks in the blender." Nor is it "you're yelling! I'm LEAVING!" and thus manipulate them to panic as punishment. That's toxic.
I'm in college to become a teacher but right now even my family ignore or talk over me so thank you so much for this video
Aishling: Could you ask your teacher supervisor where you do auscultation during the training, to please teach you some assertiveness? I know what you mean, and it is important for you as well as your students, since they'll learn better if you are sure in yourself. can you look at some Chakra balance book or videos? Peter ten Hoopen has a brief description of them (7) and a free test, as well as what signs show balanced vs imbalanced chakra(s) U can go to an energy therapist, a good one. (Barbara Brennan School) Just training like the good psychologist suggests won't do it much if one has a deeper imbalance.
sounds like you're throwing your pearls before swine
if people don't appreciate you, no point wasting your time on them (trust me I know how this can suck when it's straight up your own family)
being an asian gal and growing up around other humble/passive ppl for most of my life, I'm used to being kind and humble myself, its basically a big part of who I am. But now that I've moved out, surrounding myself with different groups of ppl, I often find myself being around ppl that try to take advantage of this. I guess when it comes to my actions, I'm assertive when I need to be cause I'm ok with saying no, but my mannerisms and the way I present myself to the world somehow sends the wrong message, and it seems like people can already sense I'm a soft af before even meeting me...I always get myself in shitty situations with ppl that try to take advantage of this
assertive = impenetrable shield/defense of self/boundaries
aggressive = sword/attack toward others
with a balance between direct vs tactful, which is a trade between choosing higher effectiveness vs higher social/emotional connection
Your channel is legit a gift
Very well explained and articulated. Thank you 😊
I love how calm and professional you are. As an undergrad student working toward becoming a clinical psychologist one day I really do look up to you. Keep up the awesome work!!
As a black woman I feel double affected by being labeled as aggressive unfairly
Was at work yesterday having an excellent conversation that was 4.5 hours of our 6 hour shift together. She is a black woman and I'm a white guy. Little small talk and deep topics that brought out lots of good stuff. When we get excited we tend to get louder which she did. We were at work and the others around could hear the heat and stayed away. There was a few times I wanted to cool off how loud we were getting but we were both learning so much and I didn't want to mess with the flow. Topics were deeply personal not offensive (mostly self/help/spiritual/growth/business) but probably not appreciated by others who just catch a piece and didn't know the context. I love my job and we've both been there a long time yet never met til yesterday. I wanted to 'control' (my issue) but felt we were moving through so much energy that it was better to let it fly and hope all is well. LOL Which it seems like it is but who knows it's only been a day. So with your experiences do you think I did the right thing by letting it go or should I have slowed it down to a lower energy to make others more comfortable? I think passerby's would have seen her as being 'aggressive' instead of 'passionate' and excited to talk to someone who could/would talk to her on that level.
@Fireflies; I’m a Black dude and simply having a neutral expression can be misconstrued as angry by other races. As far as your situation, if those who you work with are quick to label you angry whenever you’re not super dainty and submissive, they’ll find a reason. Public figures like Kamala Harris, Megan Markel, Michelle Obama and a Labour MP here in the UK called Diane Abbot have to deal with a lot of vile abuse simply for being assertive and competent, as confident Black women can dent some people’s fragile ego, so begin to besmirch them with terms like angry, even when not warranted because it’s dog whistle term, so ignore your colleagues negative output or response whenever or if you choose to let off steam at work.
There’s a difference b/w aggressiveness and assertiveness. If you’re able to to be assertive I think you can destroy that misconception of aggressiveness in your own life.
But tbh, there’s nothing really wrong with aggressive women. Understanding that it can be a detrimental stereotype for BW, it still stands that if you as a person are genuinely like that... don’t feel the need to change.
@@mordecai8707 not necessarily. People are ignorant when racist and we cannot control how ppl choose for misunderstand Us. Train ppl not to stereotype. It isn't up to her. Maybe you can't relate.
@@cre8gnr8nrg That's interesting. I'm glad that you have a diverse friend at work. Maybe you could chat about some other loud people (Leslie Jones, Tiffany Haddish) and work the subject into the conversation. I would like to read Ana's response. The loud thing is common but not all Black women are like that. I can say that I would just talk at my average volume and let the other person be who they are. I have a neighbor on my floor and she always has loud conversations in the hall way. As much as I want to open my door and ask her to tone it down; I choose to mind my business. Obviously the person never really learned about social etiquette, but most are great people. These are the women that Hollywood loves.🙂
I do feel bad after trying to be assertive :/ so I really hope this will help me.
Thanks for this video 💜
I'd like to share where I got tripped up on being assertive in case anyone else has a similar issue. I was okay with expresing what I needed but I assumed they wouldn't understand or would blow me off/ignore me/invalidate me. This did happen sometimes. If I had maintained my boundaries with myself and continued to respect myself and validate myself instead of taking it personally and assuming it makes me a close-minded person or a bad listener I would have been able to calmly set boundaries or limit the ammount of time I exposed myself to people who ignore me. I was afraid of losing that person and I should have slowed down and tried to be rational while being kind to myself.
i've always been aware of my lack of assertiveness, but actually doing the exercises to distil why exactly I'm this way was enlightening! it ties so well with my social anxiety. evil buddies working hand-in-hand to disempower me. but I think incorporating these challenges will really help me take control over my life! I'm tired of being so passive. I've never felt like a true participant in my own life because I've always prioritised the needs and wants of others. now let me start taking steps to actually living.
thanks for this!💕
I don't tolerate disrespect and I have no problem giving someone a warning if I feel they are being disrespectful. However, I put off an "aura" that makes me appear very intense and sometimes unapproachable. I don't mean to do this, but a lifetime as a soldier has instilled a deep set of core values within my psyche. The only times I don't feel confident are when I haven't done the proper research to know what I'm talking about or when I want to approach someone I find attractive. I think the first case is understandable but as for the second case, I believe my aura is what's holding me back. Unfortunately, I don't know how to dial back the aura and I've learned to put on a facade in order to compensate. The downside to putting on a front is the fact that I can't maintain it for very long, I can only do it for roughly an hour before I become mentally drained. I would like to retire the proverbial mask if possible, but I'm not sure how I would go about doing that. Would you have any recommendations I could research this?
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. The right girl will like that and will open up. Only the wrong ones will leave
What does assertiveness look like:
Confident body language. (check)
Expressing your wants, needs boundaries clearly, directly and effectively not aggressively: (sometimes yes and sometimes no, always adapting an predicting possible reactions/outcomes before communicating) I've got a friend who will do 'negs' and will have behaviors trying to 'alpha' me as that was the dynamic growing up but I've changed and it's making him uncomfortable. Even threw a 'neg' he tossed at me 2 years ago and it being why I'm changing. So he changed the subject because he's thinking he'll lose his longtime friend. He's not, he's just losing a dynamic of 'power' he held above his friend. So now I'm competition in his eyes but I don't view the world like that but whatever. LOL
Respectful and open to compromising. Boundaries based on values or things important to you: ( Always respectful unless disrespected and then chose to give someone a taste of what they're dishing out but amplified. LOL I'm so bad but good at it LOL. I compromise way more than I should because I don't feel good about it because I yield more than I want to because I can and do. I'm not sure what my boundaries are because they've changed so much over the decades. I'm not static and I see more grey than black and white. I know specifics when discussed in the moment but I don't seem to fall into a typical pattern/norm as I'm taking information in and discarding what doesn't fit at this time. However later on it might click into place from earlier exposure and new information.
So I'd say I'm assertive enough and adapt to the situation. My relationships is where I think I could work on it because I'm such a pleaser I've put myself in situations that I wouldn't have because I'm wanting to please the one I'm with. Casual dating I'm more assertive but when it gets 'relationship/bf/gf title I'm putty in her hands so I have to choose wisely. LOL I should just be single and find 'Muse's' LOL =)
Interesting personality with some self-knowledge! You might have strong Scorpio influence.
I feel woman are conditioned to dim themselves a lot.
Also told to smile f.e. by my boss with fragile masculinity.
I am flip flopping back and forth between assertive and people pleaser at work.
Lol
Same. The balance is hard
HI Ana: I am so glad that I discovered your videos. You are a genius psychologist, so gifted and spend hours of time preparing useful videos, based on research, science, giving the outline of your talk and references for your audience, all for free. I am a psychiatrist and I have learned so much from you. will look forward to your videos. You are an inspiration and good role model for many esp. young women.
You are explaining this in such a compassionate and non-dramatic way, thank you!
OMG thank you!!! I definetly need to be more assertive in my life but I didn't knew how to.
I’m interested in the passive aggressive personality disorder video. I feel like many people could be passive aggressive and want to learn more about it.
✋🏾
I didn't know that has come up as a DO, must be rather new.
Ayy Ana, just came across this vid and your channel and I gotta say this is such a great, informative video. I've always struggled with being assertive, and have always avoided it mentally, because when I think about how unassertive I am it makes me feel less than, and worthless. Especially since, over the years, I have built up this idea that, as a male, I am less than because of my lack of assertion, and just general smaller build compared to most men. While I don't really have as many body image issues as I did when I was younger, those thoughts still persist and keep me from asserting myself in many situations. Just from thinking about what in my past has made me unassertive, I can see how my parents greatly affected the ways I behave around others, with my father being overly aggressive towards my mother and strangers, and my mother being overly passive. This video has been extremely eye opening, and I will keep doing the exercises and referring back to this video. Thank you.
Dear Ana, Thank you so much for the video! I am moved and so sad... why aren't the psychologists out there like this? Or is it because it is online and you are able to modify things to get optimal, whereas live sessions with unpredictable, complex, imbalanced human patients is more challenging? I feel angry and sad that no-one told me things like this, and that most doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists behave (seem) so unknowing, hard, distant and even cruel. Not only don't they treat and help properly, putting some effort and knowledge into sessions, but they withhold important knowledge and info about me, as well as deceive, lie, slander, manipulate and abuse. I regret having searched for help and got my health and life destroyed 10 times more instead. If you work with patients too doing things like in your videos, they are lucky to have you and I hop they appreciate you and make the most of what they get.
If you need a research object or have a free spot for some therapy or coaching, I should be willing and grateful.
It was a relief to hear you speak tactfully with warmth and understanding towards ppl who behave in unfortunate, annoying ways.I have lived with the question for some years now, and researched: How come they are contemptuous towards patients with unpleasant behaviours, when the (should) know that it is expressing suffering?Hope it won't be too late.Like they express such condemnation and vilifying of narcissists and other dark triads, where more hate and harm back won't change the world. I have long thought there must be explanations to psychopaths and narcissists, nobody is born evil. And even I am treated as though I were evil and bad, despite them knowing I am traumatized, severely stressed, and haven't got a full night's sleep since 1997. It is as though I am denied my humanness and human basic needs, and as though I can't have my faults and weaknesses, while others are "welcome to play" with all sorts of bad flaws and behaviours. But I am beginning to solve that mystery too.
I scored 44 on your test and am puzzled, because I have low self esteem and assertiveness. I'd change the test, it is ambiguous in part, and not clear what you want. because higher scores show assertiveness, right? What do you want us to tick when one IS afraid, ashamed, shy, inhibited, unsure etc but does the thing despite that? And when managing to do it in itself, but not successfully, not getting the good results at all, as assertive people do?
Ppl say I am insecure, but I still have long had the distinct feeling and knowing that I am stuck in sickness unnecesarily, and that I could be quite strong and assertive. It seems that nobody believes I can heal, and I get crazy angry because I can't prove it unless I get my basic needs met and access to some resources.It's hard to get it that such sensible, educated, wise people should not get it or ask ME about it.
Drs, therapists and Psychiatrists have called me gifted and intelligent, competent and well-read. Even if that is exaggerated, why didn't they examine me according tó what I know and what others know? Use the accumulated facts?
I fear it is because of pride and arrogance, and no interest in patients getting well or care about unnecessary suffering.. Still, If they dislike unbalanced, negative behaviour - why not treat harmed, fragile, lost, exhausted, struggling, constructive, active, self-helping, loving, forgiving patients WELL instead of cheating, abusing, manipulating, evading, gas-lighting, slandering, punishing for what is expression of sickness, medicating without examining and assessing right?? How can they know all they do , see one's difficulties and suffering, and still demand perfectly stable, grounded, balanced behaviour with a mind functioning automatically like a machine? When even machines break if the don't get rest and care.... .
Tried therapy about 4 times and none of it compares to your channel. Thank you soooo much for sharing your knowledge and student experience ♥️
Oh my God, there are references in the description. This is the RUclips content I craaaaave!
I'd like to express my gratitude to you Ana. Thank you for creating this chanel. More people need to watch your content(s).
I intend on asking for a raise next month so this is perfect! As always, thanks Ana!
You make me feel safe ☺️ thank you Ana ❤️
Thank you! Very useful especially the example at the end with the scene of the office, also the idea of tracking the assertiveness moments and check them for improvement. I will do it! I am actually more prone to aggressive behaviour with strangers who cross my boundaries and passive with friends so I am a bit messed up but I am confident these tips will help me. Thanks again!
You are so great! You helped me a lot. I didn't even know the name of my problem, I'm really suffering through it
Thankyou so much for making this video, this is something that I personally struggle with and need to improve now.
"I value my mental health!" I haven't been watching the political stuff or the news and it's been more helpful than I imagined 😊 what a gob of much needed, wanted gratitude finding your most valuable and helpful channel..blessings!
I'd like to think that I am fundamentally more agreeable. Now that is not as desirable for a male I wouldn't think, so I appreciate you make this Ana!
Barley noticed I watched and listened to this for nearly half an hour. Not in a bad way either, I mean that it was another pleasant video to tune into. Really admire the lecturing on how I can mentally exercise to achieve better in life it’s timeless. Thank you, Ana
i feel like im stuck between being passive aggressive and assertive. i get scared of how ppl will respond bc ive had ppl negatively respond to when i was speaking up for myself or when i felt uncomfortable. also guys are intimated by how i know what i want bc they’re use to girls being submissive 🤢
This is absolutely sterling content. A related book I read served as a pivotal catalyst in my life. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
LMAOOOO I VALUE MY MENTAL HEALTH I LUV THAT
I would love to see a video on passive aggression
your videos are really helping me get motivated to work on self improvement and relationships! thank you Ana!
Could you do a video on attractiveness/beauty in relation to psychology?
I think dudes that follow red pill stuff really should watch your channel.
Bonjour
@@flatheadgg2443
Bonjour
Please do a passive aggressive disorder video!! Love your content 💗🙌🏽
Hey Ana, I Realized the root of my lack of assesrtiveness is because I don't trust myself. Do you have any advice on this or a video I can watch? thanks!
Thank you so much for this video, being assertive is something I've been really inconsistent with!!
Thanks so much! I found this video extremely helpful, I hope I can implement some of your tips in my online classes! :)
TY Ana, will be watching this again..💕
The work you do is amazing Ana. Thank you!
I’ve binged your videos... now to practice!
My favourite video yet! Thank you so much Anna you’re amazing ☺️❤️ I especially love the “its like training a toddler” 😂👌🏽
I'm interested in the passive aggressive video!
The enddddd sis I was caught off guard💀💀
The red looks good!
Eyeliner so good today
I got a -2 on the Rathus Assertiveness. I thought I was somewhat assertive, damn.
Thanks Anna!! Question btw what’s ur personality type
Awesome channel! You're brilliant!
Love your vids they sooth my soul
I watch all your videos and love them!
Very helpful vid!! I took the test mentioned in the video and Im in the 5th percentile for assertiveness for men. Guess I have a lot to work on! ;)
I needed this video VERY good timing
"I didn't watch any of the presidential debate because... i value my mental health" 😂😂😂 this channel is lit
that original post modern juke box singer i took a picture with her at their first concert in toronto or evenessance
yepp i'd love a video on that
Interesting! One guy in my life labeled me as aggressive... But if i was passive he would saying beating around the bush etc.
Thank you
I struggle with being either overly passive or overly aggressive. I find it so hard to be some healthy middle-ground between the two.
I lack in agreeableness which makes some people uncomfortable but I don't necessarily see that as my problem.
I’m dead you said I care about my mental health when talking about the debate 💀that was an awful debate I was annoyed the whole time
Your content is great! Thank you :)
Thank you, I will try this
Very useful information, thank you Ana🙏❤️selfhelpchampion
Amazing video, thanks
So I got a -64 on the Rathus Assertiveness Schedule... I definitely need to be more assertive.
I've been searching for a practical online assertiveness training where clients can engage in live chat simulated situations, but I've found none. Do you know if there is any one that you would suggest?
Could you please do a video on how you got into the Doctorate course x ? And are you studying in uk?
Nice video. 👍
Glad I got here before it blew up. ;)
Can I give myself a time-out? Kinda like, taking a break from the discussion because I'm getting too hot and stressed?
Great video!
Judging from just this bit of Office, I think the woman was not optimally assertive and fair to Michael, especially as she seems to be some kind of career coach. He has personal issues and not that easy with relationships. She might understand that a kiss would be something to him. She made the mistake of letting it happen and should own it to him, before adding the dismissing, ending words, and be considerate of his feelings.Being rejected is hard enough. Denying it even happened seems weak to me, not assertive. And not letting him get closure too. But then I haven't seen the whole series and if he is manipulating and never learning, maybe she is over-taxed and takes a short.cut to end it.
What is the organic, physical context of Histrionics, please?
It's over. Now you know. For life
15:40 is literally me.
But l can't see why anyone would/should hate me, l'm just lost that's all.
What would be the best way to respond to this situation: Your coworker is upset about their recent performance review. They start yelling
and slamming their fist on their desk. This is making you very uncomfortable.
I got a -42 on the test, how do I learn from it?
My problem is when being assertive my heart beats quickly and get short breath and start shaking.. could anyone tell me how you deal with it? 😢😢
I guess depends on the situation, but keep trying and it will feel more natural to you
thats called anxiety. being assertive even when you're nervous will help you get better. remember, dont be afraid to ask for what you want.
Video AI needs to be a thing so I can practice with them
I am subscribed, and regularly like. The 6:34 "from what I've heard" Kamala Harris reference sounds like you sincerely did not do your research. Why didn't you do your research for this video, yet make the reference? "From what I've heard" is the reason that you have received a "thumbs down".
yay!!!!
14:08 re formulare
I scored -49. I wonder if I answered the test a bit too extremely.
Am I the only one who didn't find this particularly helpful in a practical manner?
It seems like the target of the video was more academics in this field, rather than people who actually struggle with assertiveness.
Lots of information, but I don't feel there was any real practical actionable advice I could use other than get CBT. It's basically - Find out why you're not assertive, then be assertive, now you are assertive. It's more a rundown of what CBT would entail, rather than an actual "How to" video.
I feel like this video is targeting me lmaoooooo
I'm here after being called doormat by my first date whom I started to fall for
I've been labelled as being "bossy" way too often even in just social or relaxed settings, it's just my nature. How would you differentiate between assertiveness and bossiness
While waiting for her reply, I'd say, assertive is with a balanced ego, humility and consideration, as well as awareness of the other, and non-trauma-affected, while bossy is more likely the opposite. Although bossy can also be someone still somewhat unaware of himself, not yet quite mature but not necessarily with a marked ego problem.What grounds do you have for saying it is just your nature? have you studied yourself? What is your age?
@@Medietos thanks a lot for the reply! I'm not really that good with words or being able to sugar coat things, no matter how delicate I try to be. So sometimes people really don't like assertiveness and may be overly intimidated by me.
@@mariamabdelwahab744 : Might you want to use this vid and my reply and her tests etc and get to know yourself?Are you sensitive and high-strung at all? Ithink assertiveness, the real kind, comes with knowing words, having social competence, at least somewhat.How did my reply sit with you? I hpe I was not being bossy,hahaha!
Yeah, the debate bothered me with how he talked over her. It was cringeworthy! Kamala handled it pretty well.
I think you mis-defined passive-agressiveness. It's not when you are overly aggressive, but rather you indirectly be aggressive and mean almost instead of actually vocalizing what is your main point of grievance or demand. You kinda put the onus on the person you are aggressing to figure out why you are being so mean all of a sudden.
I value my mental health also(lol)
🧡🧡🧡🧡