Should we have kids? | TEA TALKS
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- Singapore’s Total Fertility Rate (TFR) has been falling and some Singaporeans are re-thinking parenthood. Is it just the next logical step after marriage? What if I want to focus on my career? What if I'm not cut-out to be a parent?
In this episode we explore this big question with our guests, all in different stages of a relationship - having talked about wanting kids with their partner, offering varying perspectives on having children and the joys parenthood can bring.
In collaboration with @Made For Families #MoreThanEnough
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Timestamps:
0:00 Hook
0:19 Hosts Intro
2:11 Views on the parenthood journey
7:08 Nicole’s concerns about motherhood
11:00 Mistakes or fears as a new parent
15:00 How do you know you are okay for this journey
18:19 Does having children change your views on life?
20:20 How did you still prioritise your marriage?
21:50 Everyone’s journey is different
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Кино
17:55 I'm past 45, divorced but no kids. Even so, I immediately answered "No" to Nicole's question. There are things that you just don't get, or learn, or experience, without having children. There is no child-less substitute in life to those things. I had a dog once, and I treated him as though he was my son. Now I know it's not exactly the same, but I was everything to him, and him to me. He depended on me for everything. I, and only I, am responsible for his health, his well-being, his joy, his pain, everything. I cannot let him down, yet I've never felt it was a sacrifice in anything I do for him. I'm very thrifty by nature. For eg. bubble tea. Say I feel like drinking it today or have a craving for it. Before I buy a cup, I recall that I had one last week, or two weeks ago. In that case, I will forego it and resist the temptation. But with my dog, I wouldn't think twice about spending money, any amount of it, on him. I once blew over $2000 in a single day on him. I didn't feel a thing. It didn't hurt. Whatever "sacrifices" you make for the one you love, if you truly love them, it would never ever feel like a sacrifice to you. And it takes a parent to know one. So Nicole, no, there are things in life that you will never feel or experience if you don't ever have a child.
Side note: Singaporeans have been taught too much to calculate, tabulate, account for, etc. But love, relationship, and parenthood isn't an equation. Both partners are involved, but it isn't 50-50 or 40-60 or whatever combination that adds up to 100. It's 100-100. Each party puts in their 100 each time, every time. Some days, we're not at our best. But we still try our best. That's our 100 for that day. Can you get upset at your partner when you know they're having a hard time yet are trying their best? No one can. It works both ways. So remember, it is 100-100, not 50-50.
well said on the 100-100. for those who are parents, offer help and support to other parents who want and are open to receive. and do not enforce your values and opinions to other couples who do not want kids. the world is big enough to accommodate one less or one more child. just do you and what makes you happy.
But you are biasing to one extreme end and others are on the other end. Reality is both are not wrong. You may think she is wrong but that's when you are wrong. Be agnostic
You are right that parents may get to experience positives that child free people don't. But the same can be said that parents may experience negatives that child free people don't. What if the child turns out disabled or gets bullied or develop depression?
Being a Dad/ Mom is journey that completes us as humans. If a person has the reasonable means they should adventure it.
Without our parent’s adventure we won’t be here.
Singapore isn’t even 100 years old and you guys started talking about this.
Sometimes just learn from Malaysia and Indonesia.
I choose not to have kids because I can't think of an unselfish reason to do so? Please let me know if you think otherwise!
My question is what does Nicole bring to the table?
I think the sad part is also people and even women thinking that being "mum" or just a mother is not enough, that it is not as important or significant or valuable as someone who teaches spin classes
Just want to remind everyone that Post-Natal depression for husband/father is real too.
totally. the lady in red seems to brush it off and make it seem like it’s only the women that get it. so often men get told things like “you’re a man, just toughen up” “how can you ever understand what a woman is going through” “you will never understand one la”.
that’s not helping the relationship or the conversation. just like every child is different, every parents’ relationship and values of upbringing they want for their kids are different too.
it’s fine if you don’t want kids, but don’t stigmatise or generalise parents who have them, and at the same time if you have kids, don’t enforce your values and opinions on people who don’t want them.
This was a brilliant conversation
Singapore still has a long way to go before fathers are recognised as caregivers too by the companies they worked for. Need more family friendly companies if Singapore hopes to increase it’s birth rates.
I’ve seen many whom had their bonuses forfeited and given “poor work performance” simply because they had burst their paid leaves to care for their newborn and monitoring the post natal depression which some of their wives are suffering from. And yes, I’m referring to ST Engineering.
"Better never to have been."
-David Benatar, 2006
People who love kids do not like what the anti-natalists are saying because it undermines their happiness. The truth is, people have kids because they love themselves so much that they need kids around them in order to feel complete in their lives, even if it means suffering for the kids. What do people who keep dogs and have kids have in common? They think dogs (and kids) bring them happiness. But happiness is not an intrinsic quality in anything, dogs and kids included. Many dogs, especially those pure breed ones, will eventually face major health issues in their lives. So, are dog lovers really concerned about the welfare of their dogs, or are they concerned about their own interests? Apply the same logic one can see that bringing another human being into this world will eventually mean the child has to suffer. Ageing, sickness, and death are inevitable. So, parents and parents-to-be, are you really concerned with the welfare of your kids, or are you only concerned about your own interests?
Myopic view in my opinion. You seem to be bitter towards what life has to offer.
all those who have no kids seems to theorise alot abt parents wanting self fulfillment by having kids. But in the same breath, you can have a pet for self fulfillment and its ok? Go have kids la, you will realise its not a one dimensional agenda about fulfillment
and tbh, its kinda sickening to see so much focus on self these days. self care , self help, self pampering? remember how u can't stand that selfish aunty or uncle who just cuts queue or push on the mrt? but they are also self care, and to some extent you are practicing the same thing
@@andrewl2033 Most people cannot handle the truth. People just want constant assurance on what they believe in to be the truth.
@@libiskit You think parents taking care of their kids are offering them unconditional love? You can't be so naive, can you? This world is all about you scratch my back I scratch yours. Parents give in to their kids' requests so that they can get what they want. I call this 'dirty love'. It's transactional, a trade. Ask the lady in the video why they want to tour around the world with her child Atlas. She and her hubby have already written the scripts. They just need to bring in another person into this world to act out whatever is written in their scripts. In other words, the kid is a pawn. Parents are simply pawning their kids for their own selfish desires. Why? Because they have been indoctrinated by society to think that having kids is the normal way of life. I don't blame them for it because they themselves have been indoctrinated by their parents. Parents are bestowing curses onto their own kids without them knowing. They still think they are doing their kids a big favour by bringing them into this world. Still not convinced? Saw the news on the 4 year old girl who was killed in a car accident at River Valley not too long ago, and shortly after that incident, another road accident that killed a 12 year old girl? Both parents grieved for their loss of a child. If a child is not born, the child doesn't have to suffer this kind of ill fate. When you want something very badly such as a child, you suffer regardless you have it or not. When you don't have it, grief and sorrow ensues. When you have it, fear of losing the child ensues. Ignorance is not bliss. It's the greatest curse.
Those who done good meets death as if their family reunion others are afraid due to bad things they have done but lastly sont be afraid we all have to go in these way. I live like u as if I have cancer everyday like I am going to die next moment while still remains calm.❤ from me to show that we all have to die but before dying be strong
Team Nicole!
Couples have kids because they are no longer happy remaining status quo as a couple. For some couples, the appearance of a child can become a wedge in their relationship that weakens the couple's bond.
you are a sad sad person
To be honest I think Nicole sounds just very brainwashed by the ideas that nobody should sacrifice anything...even without children, any adult will have to sacrifice things. Quite sad to hear and hopefully she achieves some fulfillment at some point.
Of course have Kids.. they are a blessing from God and brings joy and love all round. yes it's not near easy raising a kid but that shouldn't be the reason why a married couple shouldn't have kids