If they taught this stuff in school the world would be a much better place. We all need to temper our own personalities on multiple levels in order to stop clashing with eachother. I feel it is the cause behind so much chaos in the world. Brilliant video and topic as usual.
Great topic. I think knowing if you have an insecure attachment style is so important for healthy relationships. I’m fearful avoidant but not anywhere as volatile as described here. It’s more… I’m either anxious or avoidant depending on the person.
Same! Im anxious when i date people who are too independent and have boundaries and need a lot of space. But im avoidant when i date clingy people who have too many expectations of me. Ive never been with someone who was secure.
It's funny that you made a video discussing this topic as THIS time because I'm currently digging into attachment theory and I'm realizing I'm a fearful avoidant
This is the first time that I have watched a video on attachment theory explained in a way that me thinking as an INFJ can understand. I also really like that you put in some negative actions that may result from any of these styles, it really opened my eyes! I'm so fearful avoidant so I don't do relationships but it's always good to work on yourself regardless
I listen to you while I do work sometimes. I don't know why it relaxes me so much. With how crazy the world is these days, its nice to watch these kinds of videos from time to time.
Nice. When you made your personal summery, of the”lowest” avoidance style, it made me laugh with how much I relate!. The depth of seeking to understand… seems annoying to most other people. Rolling eyes. Disengagement. Thinking I’ll be Too much. Yep. Thanks for helping me see, that looking for a similar type, in a society of, avoidance, will be and has been very difficult. Great tool of awareness. Thanks.
Thank you. I'm very glad you did this. I am secure now, after lots of reprogramming work by PDS-Thais Gibson. From your past videos, I've thought you were DA/FA from how you described your first marriage. Happy we all grow and heal attachment styles esp. the idealists cause life as an FA was quite exhausting, but must say FAs are very sweet, compassionate and selfless people. Many DAs, AAs too!
The fearful attachment hits a little hard 😥. Not that I’m on the receiving, but the one that’s like that, minus the screaming outbursts. Just like you described, it’s a rollercoaster. then that itself causes me to further believe I’m not a good fit and a terrible person so I push them away so I can save them from me, but I feel alone and abandoned so I cry for them and it just goes and goes. I’ll be scared to get close and feel love, but I still want to be close and loved… What’s helped a lot is recognizing it for what it is so I can fight myself harder to open up and say what I really want. It hurts me a ton to see that I’m hurting someone I love and I just hate it so much so now I just do my best to be vocal about what I feel, want, and explain my intentions if I do end up slipping back into old habits. Example if I do screw up and push away (generally speaking) I just apologize and say I just want to be reassured that I’m not a terrible person, that there isn’t anything wrong, and that I am good enough/loved. Obviously there’s more nuance, but I hope it makes sense. 🥺 I just wanted to add so it doesn’t seem like it’s mostly a narcissistic thing 😔 though I know that wasn’t your intention in the first place. I won’t pretend like it’s not that bad either, it is manipulative (although unintentional), i would accuse out of complete paranoia, etc. Maybe it has something to do with INFJ cognitive stack that kept me in check from being entirely like the example you showed? Idk, but I doubt it. For me, personally at least, recognition and learning to take steps to heal is what helped me the most to have a night and day difference in terms of having a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of work, but it’s brought me far more happiness than I had before.
Eye opening video. Avoidant over here for sure. I thought this just was the way I was …my personality. But it seems like it is more of a learned behavior which is something I can dig into and actually do something about to address my deep desire to connect with someone in a meaningful way. I have been working on this already, but this video has revealed a clearer path to help guide me along the way. Avoidant - anxious was my first marriage and the description was spot on. Listening to the description of the dynamic/pattern made me laugh/cry…oh to have understood then. Thank you Clay.
I loved this video! It's really fascinating. And also quite funny to see the relashionship I had with my crush put into light like this. I was opening up like crazy as an invitation for them to do the same and it did not work, at all 🙄. Just awkward 😁. Also I relate to your need for emotional connection without any barrier. Thank you for helping us be more self-aware, I appreciate it.
I remember watching this and dismissing it but now it makes so much sense! I was stuck in that cycle. I’m avoidant and my anxious friend just kept accusing me and saying these weird things and I am just being more distant and distant until our friendship was destroyed. I’ve looked for so many things to explain it. Nothing worked because they aren’t unhealthy people. And what you described is exactly what happened.
Another well researched, thought out, and presented topic. I am so grateful that you have taken the time to do these videos. I learn something new about myself with every one. I thoroughly appreciate you. Wishing you health, love, and happiness.
I dunno how I stumbled upon this video, but I'm so happy I did. I've learned so much about myself and others, and past relationships... I have a string of failed ones behind me, and am currently trying desperately to break the cycle...I'm anxious, the person I'm interested in is avoidant...we're not even in a relationship and I've already been frustrated by them. I have many things to work on within myself. I won't be falling into this cycle again.
Very interesting video, while you were describing these different styles of attachment I was really "seeing" people that I know, friends, family members and I thought that they really fit into your descriptions. I and my oldest daughter are really "zero avoidance" and it is difficult to meet people who connect deeply emotionally as we do!
Hi, Clay. Thanks for this great video. I aslo have found this concept few months ago and it described my relationship very well, so i decided to end it. Because it is this anxious-avoidant one. And here we are few months after - we both calmed down, I droped all my expectations and now it seems he more gets what I want. But it would be probably just start of the new cycle as you mentioned and there is no way how we can be happy together. Because its more about my imaginations than reality what still keeps me in. So thanks again for this video and reminder. It came at the right time for me.
To anyone more interested in attachment theory, I'd highly recommend Diane Poole Heller's book "The Power of Attachment". (just a suggestion/recommendation; no promotion!) 9:37 As far as I've heard, @Clay Arnall - it's not Avoidant that is dismissive, but rather it's "dismissive avoidantly attached" or "fearfully avoidantly attached." So, yes, essentially subtypes/subgroups of avoidant attachment. (No idea if that also applies to disorganized or anxious attachment, but maybe anxious too.) Hope that helps and of course appreciate constructive feedback!
Thank you for making this video on attachment styles!! The movie clips were great. Watching the clip from the Notebook challenged some of my inner picture of secure attachment. And taking the attachment style test really highlighted for me that we can have different attachment styles with different people. I think sometimes I overfocus on (and sometimes define myself by) one challenging parental relationship. The test results highlighted other very secure connections. I found that reassuring but also interested in doing what I can to heal the one insecure relationship. Thanks again for posting this great content.
I am avoidant and my mom is anxious, I never thought there is a way to explain our relationship. This explains alot of things, I am laughing on how accurate this is. I am fearful avoidant, it sounds like a sad combination.
Fantastic video! As always. Love watching your videos. Because of my mother and her side of the family, I started researching psychology and profiling. Also as a form of self reflection... trying to minimize trauma also. I tend to be secure attachment with my spouse, however, with friendships, I tend to be anxious attachment.
I am listening to the audio book "Attached", which mentions the book about attachment theory, and it has revealed so much about my self and other ppls behaviour. Especially if you have any nuance of anxious attachment in you, aka you're concerned with intimacy in your relationship and prefer to be in a relationship vs single most of the time, read this book. Thank me later.
Thanks for these clear explanations!!! I'm definitely Avoidant and I think it has a lot to do with some kind of abuse (mostly emotional in my case) which leads to fear of relationship. I've never feared abandonment, rather, I'm fearful of all the difficult aspects of relationships in general (neediness, high expectations, criticism, disregard for my needs and desire) that lead me to feel being independent and alone is actually quite confortable and predictable;) My husband is Anxious (yess!!!) and I think it's a challenge AND a growing challenge. Been married 19 years now and with much more understanding it's now a very confortable relationship;))
I appreciated hearing you talk this through! Clay, I wonder if some level of avoidance is healthy or disordered? Does having zero avoidance mean you are free from disordered avoidance tendencies, in a healthy way? I recently read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love, and I'm finding it's interesting to note anxious and avoidant behaviors not only in my relationships but in others' relationship dynamics as well. I have anxious attachment, and grew up with an avoidant dad and a fearful-avoidant mom. I'm familiar with the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic you described, and have to be careful to not fall into it myself--with either an avoidant OR fearful-avoidant. In practice this means Doing The Work when it comes to my boundaries and then mindfulness when my anxiety flares up. Sending cheers to anyone reading this who is also Doing The Work for mutually fulfilling relationships!
Interesting video and really made me analyse my current relationship . I definitely think I have some avoidant attributes coming from a emotionally distant father who was himself very avoidant. Whereas my partner I think is more anxious and we have often had arguments where I have told him I need some space . We usually resolve those issues tho as we have good communication . Great video tho and really help me understand myself and my relationship better
I think we're not used to people wanting deep connection, its just cultural i guess, we're used to shallow.... so having someone getting close and wanting to get to know you on a deep level is shocking .... is a rare thing, how does that even work?, what does this person wants?... we need more of it, i want more of it..
I'm generally pretty anxious attached and am giving this new person lots of space. I'm trying not to wait by the phone for all the texts, worry about whether they'll respond or whether they liked what I texted. It's hard when you're an infj and immediately idealize a person and use your intuition as some kind of measure for potential longterm compatability...it's a little unhealthy if I'm being honest.
As someone who has a Fearful Avoidant attachment style, I listened to your description of the FA and you were describing a really extreme version. We are not all volatile (or abusive) like you described. In fact, the way it manifests in me is I become Anxious or Avoidant depending on who I'm dealing with and where their attachment style lies. Maybe that's how the INFJ interacts with it. I don't know. But I wish you had been a little more humanizing when speaking of it. It made me feel bad.
If you notice a shift in yourself due to an acute trauma, how can you explain it to someone you care about without triggering your anxiousness that they will become weird towards you? (bordering top middle). Thanks, Clay 💛
I wonder if I may have a bit of the "avoidant" attachment style in me, but for me it's more about not having enough faith in my ability to ask for the space I need without worrying I'll hurt someone's feelings or worrying about catching someone completely off guard and creating unnecessary tension, in which case I won't always be straightforward, but rather drop some subtle but appropriate hints/cues in the hope that the person will pick up on them (such as "showing" that I'm in the midst of something...maybe even attempting to change the tone, by pretending I'm not picking up their serious tone...and then respond in a lighter, less serious tone... Is this kind of thing considered "avoidant"?....or is it just making creative use of the more subtle forms of communication? As I'm listening to this, I'm thinking about just "comfort level" in general. I think it might be a bit the same as how everyone has a comfort level with how close people get to them when they're talking. I think there is a "generally accepted norm" and then there are those who need more space, and some who always seem to get right up close to the point of discomfort. I can think of times when certain people have seemed to want to "dig deeper" into my depths in moments that just felt were inappropriately timed....As if they were having trouble reading my signals....I don't know, but to me it feels like the same kind of discomfort as when someone is standing 12" away from you while you talk and it's really serving no purpose whatsoever. I've actually wondered before if people who do this are just nearsighted and do this to get the "full communication" including facial expressions, etc.....and my being farsighted means I can't actually see them up that close....nor can I see their body language...and I may even be straining my neck if they're taller than me! I once had to call the police (I don't even remember now what for...something unusual happening in the neighborhood....) and this R E A L L Y tall cop was chatting with me, getting info from me, on my back porch. He walked right up close to me...I mean, something like 12" to 16" away from me and (perfect example of the "subtle cues" I describe above) first I just backed up a bit so I was more comfortable....but then he actually moves closer again, so I turn around and find a chair to sit in and point to another chair and gestured to make himself comfortable. I don't remember how he responded, I only remember that he didn't end up sitting (maybe it's a cop thing) and THEN....he walks right up close to me again, only I'm sitting now, and because he's very tall, his CROTCH is now 12" to 16" from my face! lol... I just got up and said "excuse me, I need to put a little space between us, you're very tall and my neck is hurting!" I think other personalities MIGHT HAVE actually exploded over this instead....Sure, I could have just said that to begin with the first time he stood too close, but ??? is this really "avoidant"? I guess you could say I was "avoiding" interrupting the flow of our conversation.... I guess all I'm saying is that while what you describe is likely true of people with avoidant attachment styles, I'm doubting that this information alone can be seen as a simple "sign" of avoidant attachment style. My example above is a pretty blatant one of someone who either could not or chose not to read the subtle (and not so subtle) cues. There are less extreme examples of this kind of thing that happen all the time with people. Everyone has their "comfort zone" and, I think "generally" there is an accepted norm for different levels of relationship (strangers..acquaintances, friends, siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse...etc..) although none of us could likely say specifically "how many inches away" in each instance, most of us can just sense what distance is appropriate. I wonder if this might also be applicable, to some degree, in how "deep" people are willing to get and "when". If so, I think it's probably about a gradual testing of the waters and reading the "comfort cues", while gradually working toward deeper intimacy.....and that we never know we've crossed over from "appropriate" to "too much" until we've crossed that line...which is why baby steps are so much better (the "breach" is less harsh) I'm also thinking about how personality type could come into play. I mean my ISTJ father just doesn't engage in discussion of his emotions...and I don't think it's about having an avoidant attachment style. I think it's all about his ISTJness. Also..."enneagram type 5's" (of which I am one)....They have emotions just like everyone else and they are generally just as aware of them as anyone else, but feeling those emotions and talking about them are two different things to them. They will generally feel them and process them in the privacy of their own being and then will be perfectly willing to discuss them (without the flood of emotions) honestly and openly with their loved ones. I don't experience this as fear of any kind. It's more like I can't feel too terribly deeply and talk about those feelings at same time (I can, however, think and chew gum at the same time! Yay me!) It's as if these are two completely different parts of my brain that each work far more efficiently alone...and enneagram 5's are big fans of efficiency and really hate to waste time OR energy on inefficiency or anything else. "Spending" time & energy?...no problem if the end result is deemed "worth it".... "Wasting" time & energy? ...a big NOPE!
Really happy that you researched that topic and made a vid about it! Hopefully I had a little bit to do with that (I once commented on another video and mentioned it…). But anyway, doesn’t really matter. I really like the quadrants, I never seen it represented like that but it makes so much sense! I wonder if attachment style might influence personality type on some level (or vice-versa). I’m an anxious ish-INFJ (working on becoming more secure!) and I would be curious to know how many INFJs have an anxious attachment style (with the link to co-dependency coming from Fe and all that). I didn’t do the test yet, but I am pretty sure my avoidance will be near zero as well… (The notebook and good will hunting are the best btw!)
God puts us vulnerable people around avoidant people to help them to become more vulnerable, to help them see more deeply within themselves..if they want to.
I think the first important relationship outside the family dynamic influences attachment style a bit. Honestly cant peg myself here. I avoid relationships for good reasons a whole lot. But im not an avoidant type in action. More anxious and needy. In fact thats why i avoid relationships. Messes with my head too much. Since childhood i do most things alone and like that. I love my freedom and i do grant that to the other except loyalty stuff. Needy types dont typically do that….so not sure? Im mainly secure but it has a shakey foundation. That foundation i have is the questionable part with me. I will not let anybody threaten it. Thats what i learned going to a therapist a few times. Generally i dont like therapy. The few times i tried not good stuff. If someone wants to break down my foundation im fearful stubborn and determined to deal with it my way. I did it my way. Ha ha. Well…i DID! I feel guilty i stepped on some toes you know but im like….deal with it. I do. Tough ultra sensitive loner. Yuck! But i do feel secure in my world i am responsible for.
@clay arnall Knowing Attachment styles is a bandaid for their root causes, which are the primal wounds. Heal the primal wounds. Fix your Attachment style. Check your email.
whats a better way to handle anxiety as an infj without overdiagnosing everything. cause I'm always coming up with multiple possible reasons for the things that stand out as different than normal and I ask but then sometimes I'm still stuck with an assumption when the action or lack of and or tone of voice etc.. whatever the reasoning for something being out of the norm if it doesn't make sense then I end up brewing on it. usually I feel like I end up gaslighting myself especially when sometimes whatever it was that didn't add up I was correct in my judgement of it not adding up and sometimes I trust them anyhow but end up screwed usually those are negative outcomes and builds a avoidance in me.
hilarious I was just in a anxious avoidant relationship extremely toxic. trying to be there for her then it's to much try to leave oh no I'm gone... when I'm around hey please clean up after yourself... oh and would you like to hang out or go do something.. nope ok... all of asudden we're split again and I'm tired as hell of working for a relationship to work. Feel like I've gone insane with all the double standards gaslighting and narcissistic behavior.
If they taught this stuff in school the world would be a much better place. We all need to temper our own personalities on multiple levels in order to stop clashing with eachother. I feel it is the cause behind so much chaos in the world. Brilliant video and topic as usual.
❤🕊
“Whenever you’re far spectrum on anything, the rest of the people start to feel almost a little alien to you” this sums it up really! 👏🏾
Hmmm i just did the Survey it says I’m Fearful-Avoidant in General, that means me and you probably wouldn’t get along if we ever met! @Clay Arnall
Great topic. I think knowing if you have an insecure attachment style is so important for healthy relationships. I’m fearful avoidant but not anywhere as volatile as described here. It’s more… I’m either anxious or avoidant depending on the person.
Same! Im anxious when i date people who are too independent and have boundaries and need a lot of space. But im avoidant when i date clingy people who have too many expectations of me. Ive never been with someone who was secure.
@@Sar_bear77 clingy/needy = anxiously attached
It's funny that you made a video discussing this topic as THIS time because I'm currently digging into attachment theory and I'm realizing I'm a fearful avoidant
So what we can do to make you love us? :)
This is the first time that I have watched a video on attachment theory explained in a way that me thinking as an INFJ can understand. I also really like that you put in some negative actions that may result from any of these styles, it really opened my eyes! I'm so fearful avoidant so I don't do relationships but it's always good to work on yourself regardless
I listen to you while I do work sometimes. I don't know why it relaxes me so much. With how crazy the world is these days, its nice to watch these kinds of videos from time to time.
Nice. When you made your personal summery, of the”lowest” avoidance style, it made me laugh with how much I relate!. The depth of seeking to understand… seems annoying to most other people. Rolling eyes. Disengagement. Thinking I’ll be Too much. Yep. Thanks for helping me see, that looking for a similar type, in a society of, avoidance, will be and has been very difficult. Great tool of awareness. Thanks.
Love love love when I see a new Clay video drop ❤ the most insightful "INFJ therapy" for sure 😊
Thank you. I'm very glad you did this. I am secure now, after lots of reprogramming work by PDS-Thais Gibson. From your past videos, I've thought you were DA/FA from how you described your first marriage. Happy we all grow and heal attachment styles esp. the idealists cause life as an FA was quite exhausting, but must say FAs are very sweet, compassionate and selfless people. Many DAs, AAs too!
The fearful attachment hits a little hard 😥. Not that I’m on the receiving, but the one that’s like that, minus the screaming outbursts. Just like you described, it’s a rollercoaster. then that itself causes me to further believe I’m not a good fit and a terrible person so I push them away so I can save them from me, but I feel alone and abandoned so I cry for them and it just goes and goes. I’ll be scared to get close and feel love, but I still want to be close and loved…
What’s helped a lot is recognizing it for what it is so I can fight myself harder to open up and say what I really want. It hurts me a ton to see that I’m hurting someone I love and I just hate it so much so now I just do my best to be vocal about what I feel, want, and explain my intentions if I do end up slipping back into old habits. Example if I do screw up and push away (generally speaking) I just apologize and say I just want to be reassured that I’m not a terrible person, that there isn’t anything wrong, and that I am good enough/loved. Obviously there’s more nuance, but I hope it makes sense. 🥺
I just wanted to add so it doesn’t seem like it’s mostly a narcissistic thing 😔 though I know that wasn’t your intention in the first place. I won’t pretend like it’s not that bad either, it is manipulative (although unintentional), i would accuse out of complete paranoia, etc.
Maybe it has something to do with INFJ cognitive stack that kept me in check from being entirely like the example you showed? Idk, but I doubt it. For me, personally at least, recognition and learning to take steps to heal is what helped me the most to have a night and day difference in terms of having a healthy relationship. It takes a lot of work, but it’s brought me far more happiness than I had before.
Right on time!!! Thank you for this upload Clay.
Eye opening video. Avoidant over here for sure. I thought this just was the way I was …my personality. But it seems like it is more of a learned behavior which is something I can dig into and actually do something about to address my deep desire to connect with someone in a meaningful way. I have been working on this already, but this video has revealed a clearer path to help guide me along the way. Avoidant - anxious was my first marriage and the description was spot on. Listening to the description of the dynamic/pattern made me laugh/cry…oh to have understood then. Thank you Clay.
I loved this video! It's really fascinating. And also quite funny to see the relashionship I had with my crush put into light like this. I was opening up like crazy as an invitation for them to do the same and it did not work, at all 🙄. Just awkward 😁. Also I relate to your need for emotional connection without any barrier. Thank you for helping us be more self-aware, I appreciate it.
🤗been there
I remember watching this and dismissing it but now it makes so much sense!
I was stuck in that cycle. I’m avoidant and my anxious friend just kept accusing me and saying these weird things and I am just being more distant and distant until our friendship was destroyed. I’ve looked for so many things to explain it. Nothing worked because they aren’t unhealthy people. And what you described is exactly what happened.
Another well researched, thought out, and presented topic. I am so grateful that you have taken the time to do these videos. I learn something new about myself with every one.
I thoroughly appreciate you. Wishing you health, love, and happiness.
I dunno how I stumbled upon this video, but I'm so happy I did. I've learned so much about myself and others, and past relationships...
I have a string of failed ones behind me, and am currently trying desperately to break the cycle...I'm anxious, the person I'm interested in is avoidant...we're not even in a relationship and I've already been frustrated by them. I have many things to work on within myself. I won't be falling into this cycle again.
Awesome. Quite surprised there was so much in here to ‘chew on’. Truly interesting, and really helpful insight. -Thanks again
Very interesting video, while you were describing these different styles of attachment I was really "seeing" people that I know, friends, family members and I thought that they really fit into your descriptions. I and my oldest daughter are really "zero avoidance" and it is difficult to meet people who connect deeply emotionally as we do!
That's right mom ahah
I wonder if we are all the lowest avoidance possible because we're all INFJs 😂
I didn’t just like the video, I loved it. And I’m emotionally attached to it and will return at a sooner time.
Your videos are a therapy. Golden way of analyzing data with calming voice.
I’m such an anxious type and he’s such an avoidant type wow
Hi, Clay. Thanks for this great video. I aslo have found this concept few months ago and it described my relationship very well, so i decided to end it. Because it is this anxious-avoidant one.
And here we are few months after - we both calmed down, I droped all my expectations and now it seems he more gets what I want. But it would be probably just start of the new cycle as you mentioned and there is no way how we can be happy together. Because its more about my imaginations than reality what still keeps me in.
So thanks again for this video and reminder. It came at the right time for me.
Another amazing, insightful video.
Glad you're back at it.
To anyone more interested in attachment theory, I'd highly recommend Diane Poole Heller's book "The Power of Attachment".
(just a suggestion/recommendation; no promotion!)
9:37 As far as I've heard, @Clay Arnall - it's not Avoidant that is dismissive, but rather it's "dismissive avoidantly attached" or "fearfully avoidantly attached." So, yes, essentially subtypes/subgroups of avoidant attachment. (No idea if that also applies to disorganized or anxious attachment, but maybe anxious too.)
Hope that helps and of course appreciate constructive feedback!
absolutely fabulous Clay! So much more interesting than any lecture I have ever heard on this. This is awesome!
Thank you for making this video on attachment styles!! The movie clips were great. Watching the clip from the Notebook challenged some of my inner picture of secure attachment. And taking the attachment style test really highlighted for me that we can have different attachment styles with different people. I think sometimes I overfocus on (and sometimes define myself by) one challenging parental relationship. The test results highlighted other very secure connections. I found that reassuring but also interested in doing what I can to heal the one insecure relationship. Thanks again for posting this great content.
I am avoidant and my mom is anxious, I never thought there is a way to explain our relationship.
This explains alot of things, I am laughing on how accurate this is.
I am fearful avoidant, it sounds like a sad combination.
I really enjoy the video clips, that’s awesome.
Really appreciate the video!
Fantastic video! As always. Love watching your videos.
Because of my mother and her side of the family, I started researching psychology and profiling. Also as a form of self reflection... trying to minimize trauma also.
I tend to be secure attachment with my spouse, however, with friendships, I tend to be anxious attachment.
Thank you Clay ❤🙏
I am listening to the audio book "Attached", which mentions the book about attachment theory, and it has revealed so much about my self and other ppls behaviour. Especially if you have any nuance of anxious attachment in you, aka you're concerned with intimacy in your relationship and prefer to be in a relationship vs single most of the time, read this book. Thank me later.
Thanks for these clear explanations!!!
I'm definitely Avoidant and I think it has a lot to do with some kind of abuse (mostly emotional in my case) which leads to fear of relationship.
I've never feared abandonment, rather, I'm fearful of all the difficult aspects of relationships in general (neediness, high expectations, criticism, disregard for my needs and desire) that lead me to feel being independent and alone is actually quite confortable and predictable;)
My husband is Anxious (yess!!!) and I think it's a challenge AND a growing challenge. Been married 19 years now and with much more understanding it's now a very confortable relationship;))
INFJ here and I am a Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized). I feel there is some correlation of MBTI types and attachment, and also Enneagram (Type 4w5).
I appreciated hearing you talk this through! Clay, I wonder if some level of avoidance is healthy or disordered? Does having zero avoidance mean you are free from disordered avoidance tendencies, in a healthy way? I recently read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love, and I'm finding it's interesting to note anxious and avoidant behaviors not only in my relationships but in others' relationship dynamics as well. I have anxious attachment, and grew up with an avoidant dad and a fearful-avoidant mom. I'm familiar with the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic you described, and have to be careful to not fall into it myself--with either an avoidant OR fearful-avoidant. In practice this means Doing The Work when it comes to my boundaries and then mindfulness when my anxiety flares up. Sending cheers to anyone reading this who is also Doing The Work for mutually fulfilling relationships!
Great video Clay. Much appreciated.
Interesting video and really made me analyse my current relationship . I definitely think I have some avoidant attributes coming from a emotionally distant father who was himself very avoidant. Whereas my partner I think is more anxious and we have often had arguments where I have told him I need some space . We usually resolve those issues tho as we have good communication . Great video tho and really help me understand myself and my relationship better
Great video! Thank you! I enjoy your insight.
❤️ thank you
I think we're not used to people wanting deep connection, its just cultural i guess, we're used to shallow.... so having someone getting close and wanting to get to know you on a deep level is shocking .... is a rare thing, how does that even work?, what does this person wants?... we need more of it, i want more of it..
oh gosh... i'm anxious attachment.. and you just described a lot of my behavioral styles... hahaha.
This was a great video, very helpful to understand
Interesting topic. Hope you and your lovely lady are very happy. 🤗❤🌄
Can you change attachment styles after a traumatic toxic relationship?
I'm generally pretty anxious attached and am giving this new person lots of space. I'm trying not to wait by the phone for all the texts, worry about whether they'll respond or whether they liked what I texted.
It's hard when you're an infj and immediately idealize a person and use your intuition as some kind of measure for potential longterm compatability...it's a little unhealthy if I'm being honest.
How do the anxious and avoidant couple break the cycle? Anybody going through that? He described my 9yr relationship to a T.
As someone who has a Fearful Avoidant attachment style, I listened to your description of the FA and you were describing a really extreme version. We are not all volatile (or abusive) like you described. In fact, the way it manifests in me is I become Anxious or Avoidant depending on who I'm dealing with and where their attachment style lies. Maybe that's how the INFJ interacts with it. I don't know. But I wish you had been a little more humanizing when speaking of it. It made me feel bad.
I scored near the same on attachment. I am an Infj.
What attachment style corresponds to someone that haves traumas correlated to rejection and injustice?
If you notice a shift in yourself due to an acute trauma, how can you explain it to someone you care about without triggering your anxiousness that they will become weird towards you? (bordering top middle). Thanks, Clay 💛
I wonder if I may have a bit of the "avoidant" attachment style in me, but for me it's more about not having enough faith in my ability to ask for the space I need without worrying I'll hurt someone's feelings or worrying about catching someone completely off guard and creating unnecessary tension, in which case I won't always be straightforward, but rather drop some subtle but appropriate hints/cues in the hope that the person will pick up on them (such as "showing" that I'm in the midst of something...maybe even attempting to change the tone, by pretending I'm not picking up their serious tone...and then respond in a lighter, less serious tone... Is this kind of thing considered "avoidant"?....or is it just making creative use of the more subtle forms of communication?
As I'm listening to this, I'm thinking about just "comfort level" in general. I think it might be a bit the same as how everyone has a comfort level with how close people get to them when they're talking. I think there is a "generally accepted norm" and then there are those who need more space, and some who always seem to get right up close to the point of discomfort. I can think of times when certain people have seemed to want to "dig deeper" into my depths in moments that just felt were inappropriately timed....As if they were having trouble reading my signals....I don't know, but to me it feels like the same kind of discomfort as when someone is standing 12" away from you while you talk and it's really serving no purpose whatsoever. I've actually wondered before if people who do this are just nearsighted and do this to get the "full communication" including facial expressions, etc.....and my being farsighted means I can't actually see them up that close....nor can I see their body language...and I may even be straining my neck if they're taller than me!
I once had to call the police (I don't even remember now what for...something unusual happening in the neighborhood....) and this R E A L L Y tall cop was chatting with me, getting info from me, on my back porch. He walked right up close to me...I mean, something like 12" to 16" away from me and (perfect example of the "subtle cues" I describe above) first I just backed up a bit so I was more comfortable....but then he actually moves closer again, so I turn around and find a chair to sit in and point to another chair and gestured to make himself comfortable. I don't remember how he responded, I only remember that he didn't end up sitting (maybe it's a cop thing) and THEN....he walks right up close to me again, only I'm sitting now, and because he's very tall, his CROTCH is now 12" to 16" from my face! lol... I just got up and said "excuse me, I need to put a little space between us, you're very tall and my neck is hurting!" I think other personalities MIGHT HAVE actually exploded over this instead....Sure, I could have just said that to begin with the first time he stood too close, but ??? is this really "avoidant"? I guess you could say I was "avoiding" interrupting the flow of our conversation....
I guess all I'm saying is that while what you describe is likely true of people with avoidant attachment styles, I'm doubting that this information alone can be seen as a simple "sign" of avoidant attachment style. My example above is a pretty blatant one of someone who either could not or chose not to read the subtle (and not so subtle) cues. There are less extreme examples of this kind of thing that happen all the time with people. Everyone has their "comfort zone" and, I think "generally" there is an accepted norm for different levels of relationship (strangers..acquaintances, friends, siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse...etc..) although none of us could likely say specifically "how many inches away" in each instance, most of us can just sense what distance is appropriate. I wonder if this might also be applicable, to some degree, in how "deep" people are willing to get and "when". If so, I think it's probably about a gradual testing of the waters and reading the "comfort cues", while gradually working toward deeper intimacy.....and that we never know we've crossed over from "appropriate" to "too much" until we've crossed that line...which is why baby steps are so much better (the "breach" is less harsh)
I'm also thinking about how personality type could come into play. I mean my ISTJ father just doesn't engage in discussion of his emotions...and I don't think it's about having an avoidant attachment style. I think it's all about his ISTJness. Also..."enneagram type 5's" (of which I am one)....They have emotions just like everyone else and they are generally just as aware of them as anyone else, but feeling those emotions and talking about them are two different things to them. They will generally feel them and process them in the privacy of their own being and then will be perfectly willing to discuss them (without the flood of emotions) honestly and openly with their loved ones. I don't experience this as fear of any kind. It's more like I can't feel too terribly deeply and talk about those feelings at same time (I can, however, think and chew gum at the same time! Yay me!) It's as if these are two completely different parts of my brain that each work far more efficiently alone...and enneagram 5's are big fans of efficiency and really hate to waste time OR energy on inefficiency or anything else. "Spending" time & energy?...no problem if the end result is deemed "worth it".... "Wasting" time & energy? ...a big NOPE!
i can't believe that i'm a combination of an anxious and fearful attached
person
Really happy that you researched that topic and made a vid about it! Hopefully I had a little bit to do with that (I once commented on another video and mentioned it…). But anyway, doesn’t really matter.
I really like the quadrants, I never seen it represented like that but it makes so much sense!
I wonder if attachment style might influence personality type on some level (or vice-versa). I’m an anxious ish-INFJ (working on becoming more secure!) and I would be curious to know how many INFJs have an anxious attachment style (with the link to co-dependency coming from Fe and all that). I didn’t do the test yet, but I am pretty sure my avoidance will be near zero as well…
(The notebook and good will hunting are the best btw!)
God puts us vulnerable people around avoidant people to help them to become more vulnerable, to help them see more deeply within themselves..if they want to.
I just took the test and I’m way worse than I thought, lol looks like I have some work to do.
I think the first important relationship outside the family dynamic influences attachment style a bit. Honestly cant peg myself here. I avoid relationships for good reasons a whole lot. But im not an avoidant type in action. More anxious and needy. In fact thats why i avoid relationships. Messes with my head too much. Since childhood i do most things alone and like that. I love my freedom and i do grant that to the other except loyalty stuff. Needy types dont typically do that….so not sure? Im mainly secure but it has a shakey foundation. That foundation i have is the questionable part with me. I will not let anybody threaten it. Thats what i learned going to a therapist a few times. Generally i dont like therapy. The few times i tried not good stuff. If someone wants to break down my foundation im fearful stubborn and determined to deal with it my way. I did it my way. Ha ha. Well…i DID! I feel guilty i stepped on some toes you know but im like….deal with it. I do. Tough ultra sensitive loner. Yuck! But i do feel secure in my world i am responsible for.
🌬💞👌🏽👍🏾👉🏽 KEEP UP THE GOOD WORKZ CLAY. 💐💯 🇺🇸💜🇨🇦☮
@clay arnall Knowing Attachment styles is a bandaid for their root causes, which are the primal wounds. Heal the primal wounds. Fix your Attachment style. Check your email.
whats a better way to handle anxiety as an infj without overdiagnosing everything. cause I'm always coming up with multiple possible reasons for the things that stand out as different than normal and I ask but then sometimes I'm still stuck with an assumption when the action or lack of and or tone of voice etc.. whatever the reasoning for something being out of the norm if it doesn't make sense then I end up brewing on it. usually I feel like I end up gaslighting myself especially when sometimes whatever it was that didn't add up I was correct in my judgement of it not adding up and sometimes I trust them anyhow but end up screwed usually those are negative outcomes and builds a avoidance in me.
hilarious I was just in a anxious avoidant relationship extremely toxic. trying to be there for her then it's to much try to leave oh no I'm gone... when I'm around hey please clean up after yourself... oh and would you like to hang out or go do something.. nope ok... all of asudden we're split again and I'm tired as hell of working for a relationship to work. Feel like I've gone insane with all the double standards gaslighting and narcissistic behavior.
Goed video 💕
Ya; my guess is that if someone works through their bullshit, their attachment style can change with time.
My score: 3.1 avoidant, 4.1 anxious