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Oone thing I dont get on the website is, why do you have 10/20% off for bigger packages? Seems to me just like marketing. Or am I missing something? Thanks
@@Chris3s we wanted to provide different lengths of time because depending on the issue people need different lengths of time. We threw in the discounts to help people who need longer-term support.
@AMellowFellow a lot of the time it isn’t a matter where you talk with someone, even a therapist, for them to give you an answer. Just talking about it helps us think through things better, to me this seemed like a very helpful conversation to them and to viewers like me to think about things in our own lives, even if he didn’t wow anyone with life changing revelations. Sometimes there is no answer yet, just good conversation to help us think and process and solidify ideas till we are able to solve a problem.
I'd say it was more of a defensive attack on her part as she was triggered by him putting a bit of the burden of her relationships back on her. But I agree that he dealt with it in a very impressive way that was massively inspiring.
@AMellowFellow Hmm, maybe. But if your glasses are on the top of your head you won't find them by looking around the room. One of the values a therapist could provide is non-emotionality and having a mind separate from your own.
@@Bibbzter666 Kind of agree, but would note that distinguishing emotional attack from someone else genuinely being wrong and unreasonable is wrong. It's a nasty problem with self-reliance, you aren't used to people help you, they just tell you things you already know with judgment attached to them. Other people don't notice the judgment because the help/ judgment ratio is different.
So far this has been a pretty hard watch. Not because this was a bad stream, quite the opposite in fact, but because in the past I've been some of the guys that Anita describes. The type who keeps holding out in a friendship hoping for a romance, even when I've been openly shot down, so the start was kind of like having a mirror held up to some of the ugly parts of my personality, especially since you can see the hurt and the anger in Anita's voice as she expresses what it's like to be on the receiving end. I'm already aware of these flaws I have, but this has opened my eyes even further. Thank you Dr K, and Anita!
same here, I have become aware of it after learning what the word SIMP is (english isn't my first language). I recognised that I have had attitudes towards females that were wrong. I think I'll write to that girl to whom I was so insistent on being in a relationship with , even when she was clear she didn't want to, that she wanted to be friens, and apologies
Same thing here. It's really made me look at myself. I'd already had the thought of "Women are humans just like me with loves, hates, hobbies, tastes, and experiences just like me. I'd just never put that at the forefront of my mind. It actually makes the idea of dating and intimacy a lot less scary for me cause rather than looking for someone by how the sex may be or if they think I'm funny or something like that, it's more about does this person have my same likes, and dislikes, can i relate to them and make them feel the same, and do i enjoy there company. I think ( or at least I'm starting to think) that i can find that in a friend as well as a girlfriend. I think i put sex too high on my list and as such it can make me transparent and pushy rather than someone looking to enjoy anothers company I don't know, another question for the therapist i suppose. Good luck man
This was probably my favourite interview so far. Anita has some incredible depth and her way of verbalising her thoughts is almost poetic. Thank you Dr K and Anita for this.
Seeing Anita take better care of herself and allow herself to be angry makes me so happy :^) Also love hearing y'all talk with eachother, you're both so smart.
God she's absolutely razor-sharp. This is one of, if not maybe the best, conversations on this channel. So many different kinds of people could benefit from this, myself included. Some parts honestly got a little uncomfortable to hear, since I've been in a couple scenarios where I've been unsure if girls didn't like me or were just playing hard to get. This was made even more difficult by instances where their girlfriends told me they actually were playing hard to get or that they did like me. The dilemma of "should I cut it off prematurely or should I stick it out to really find out" really is a difficult one, especially when you factor in all of the mixed messages we're fed as we grow up. I know I should err on the side of caution though, since it would be the absolute worst thing to know that I contributed to anyone feeling the same things that Anita expressed here. The fact that it was uncomfortable to hear just highlights that there are things I still need to work on about myself. I think the answer really is radical authenticity from all parties involved.
You’re right! I’ve been on both sides of these situations so I have a unique perspective and generally if you’re concerned about being an asshole you probably aren’t one. My husband also suffers from the problem of feeling the need to avoid making acquaintances of women because they think he’s going to come on to them. I thought it was all in his head and was coaching him to become more comfortable with the idea when one of the women he was talking to at work said: “Aren’t you married?” So I have that perspective too. Unfortunately all that has taught me is that some people are assholes and use and abuse their position in life. Whether that’s women playing with men or men think yes means no. I developed a 6th sense for them and at the slightest hint of asshollery I cut them off. I’m also lucky that unlike Anita I’ve got strong bonds with my siblings and friends so I’m able to be ‘picky’.
I have had a few of my male friends show interest in me, and honestly the best thing you could do is ask directly. I know that it takes a lot of courage to just ask, but imho its the best and most respectful thing to do. Be honest. Say, Hey I'm interested in having a relationship with you. That way, you don't have to wonder, and you should put it in your mind that the answer MIGHT WELL BE NO, and you have to accept that and move on. Another thing is, its not her friends' place to know what she wants in a relationship. I'm a more private person and I don't always express my interest in someone to my friends. The biggest issue I have with these situations is a lack of respect, but from what I can tell from your reply, you are very respectful.
if someone 'plays hard to get' theyre emotionally immature and that relationship would be a backwards mess anyway. if they arent playing hard to get then the answer is no. just go for girls who can be honest and say yes.
"It's easier to see your problems in someone else." I got insight into my own issues and ended up making a huge breakthrough after watching your vids. Thanks a ton!
@@seriousbuissness8061 Basically, my issues were with an overpowering and irrational fear of failure which led to prolonged procrastination, feeling lazy, trapped, etc. There was a video where he talked with a guy (I think it was a streamer) who considered himself lazy during which (or right after) I had my realization/breakthrough. Afterwards, I found a few other vids which better relate to my issue, such as when he explains that motivation is something you already have but it's just blocked by certain thoughts/beliefs/circumstances. However, I think I had my breakthrough after the lazy discussion, though my circumstances were kind of different. Basically, I've learned from childhood that I'll get in huge trouble if I fail and at the same time that no matter how much I do/work/achieve, it's never enough. So, I would try to do something, feel overwhelmed by thoughts of it's not enough, then procrastinate for up to several weeks. Then, I'd try again for a couple of days before again I got overwhelmed. I would almost become comatose in bed just watching youtube or reading and being unable to get up. Of course, the issue is much more complicated. It led to me realizing that some of my hobbies and aspirations were motivated by trauma. It led to me procrastinating on my aspirations for almost 10 years. Quite a few of my actions and motivations were and may still be motivated by this central cause. I'm better now, and while I still get an intense urge to avoid certain activities, I can shake it off to some extent (much better than before anyway). I'm conscious of what is happening, so it's easier to catch myself in the act and plan for when it happens. Hopefully, things will continue to improve in the future.
Dude I'm telling you, you need to get a friendship where you can talk about anything, I'm telling you when you get into personal convos and you bring up struggles people are fast to to help point out what could be the case, and reading your own words infront of you can help point the answer out, I've done that a lot with friends it's nice coming to conclusions with your bros or girls or whatever. I love finding insights into my own things, I'm always searching for information that can refine myself.
@@soilthestillborn4949 That's not exactly easy for me. I'm pretty social, but due to my circumstances don't meet that many people and this pandemic isn't helping a whole lot. Do planning on doing something about it though
I think the streams with Anita are some of the best. For one her intelect and her ability to analyse are quite impressive but I also like that she challenges Dr. K and not just accepts it. This makes an interesting and stimulating conversation thats fun to follow.
Yeah it's not too common with guests, but I love how she has already done a ton of the work and research herself and can confidently challenge Dr. K or what she thinks he is saying.
I don’t really take it as her challenging him. It’s actually very different as he is trying to comprehend Anita as a person and work through it with her, so if Anita doesn’t feel represented by his observations it is more like her explaining what dr.K is trying to understand.
I see her "challenging" him as resistance by intellectualizing. Dr. K was trying to explain that the only thing she can control is herself. Anita misunderstood that as taking blame and responsibility for other people's behavior. Dr. K was trying to empower her by showing her that she has some control in these scenarios and to look for instances of that. If Anita could acknowledge the power she has, she would be able to see other options for action. Anita making the kind of friends she wants isn't hopeless because she is not powerless. The same kind of resistance happened when Dr. K talked about her mother in their first video. Anita almost said the same exact words when she felt that Dr. K was "blaming" her mother for her traumatic childhood. Anita is incredibly smart and introspective, but it seems to give her tunnel vision sometimes and I wonder if she isn't more concerned with being correct (in her mind) than being open to alternate perspectives that have potential to encourage growth. Or it could be as simple as Dr. K's approach not being a good fit for her and that they haven't had enough time to develop a trusting therapeutic relationship. Or maybe Anita partly wanted to use this as a platform to highlight important social issues, which is a wonderful thing to do. Or Dr. K has completely misunderstood her, but watching her reactions I think it's quite the opposite.
Holy shit Dr. K is a genius. It is so fascinating to listen to him systematically work through all of this and also be flexible enough to consistently meet people where they are at. He is also so incredibly careful and nuanced with his wording as well as his approach to navigating sensitive concepts. It is just amazing.
I’m actually a girl who has quite the opposite problems as Anita, in fact I relate to lonely guys in a lot of ways; not even that ppl aren’t attracted to me but a lot of times I go unnoticed at all, I’ve experienced this at a lot of parties too. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I even exist. BUT that being said, I’m so so so glad Anita came on here today. Her honesty somehow led me to empathize with her. Usually, I’ve always been the jealous woman, or even the woman who continues to pursue relationships that will never workout. Not to the extent of Anita’s friends tho, that’s a bit too extreme. A lot of my “pursuits” were more internal, me holding onto feelings for years and years even if I don’t speak to them, and if I do, throwing out a subtle flirt every now and then. But doing that is not only uncomfortable for the other person, who is just also trynna live their life, it’s bad for you too. Bc when you become so infatuated or obsessed with someone, you stop seeing them as human, that’s when the friendship is destroyed. And these feelings eat away at your own soul too. This is something I’ve been working to get away from this past year. And a lot of it, for me at least, does come from a place of insecurity or not feeling accepted. A decent guy actually wants to be friends with me and accept me for who I am? Wow, maybe I am worth it! That’s not a good mindset to have. Don’t base your friendships and relationships off of how much worth they give you. You have to find worth in yourself, and that journey may take several years, even a lifetime, but you still have to take it if you don’t want to go down a path of destruction. I know this happens to a lot of guys, but I’ve also seen it happen to many women, and just in general, this is a good rule for everyone.
I absolutely agree with this, and I’ve struggled with this too (being a objectively average or less than average looking woman), and it’s cause me to obsess over my insecurities about my appearance, so much so that I mentally make everything about my appearance. “Oh they’re being mean to me? Must be because I’m ugly.” “Oh someone’s making eye contact with my friend instead of me when talking to a group? That’s because she’s prettier.” This has cause me not only to have terrible negative thoughts about myself but also exhibit toxic behaviour towards others (such as jealousy).
"And a lot of it, for me at least, does come from a place of insecurity or not feeling accepted. A decent guy actually wants to be friends with me and accept me for who I am? Wow, maybe I am worth it!" I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling worthwhile because good people treat you like you are. In fact, I think that's exactly what a lot of people need in order to feel good about themselves. It isn't like we just one day decided that we were crap. We took negative cues from our environment. Taking positive ones is good. I think the goal is to take positive treatment and appreciate it, and then extend that into our own minds so that when we aren't treated positively at other times, we can remember a feeling of fundamental value in ourselves. All this as a way of saying I think.. Detachment from fixation doesn't always mean detaching from other people and their thoughts. Sometimes it means detaching from our own assumptions about how we can feel better and be healthy. Putting pressure on ourselves to be happy, and actually getting less happy due to that pressure, is one example of that. Putting pressure on ourselves to not derive a sense of worth from other people, I think is another example.
@@asdrt6405 Truth spoken, bro! For most of the time women love to pariticipate what men do... Sport, lifestyle, competition and in this case pity. But it always just an option... They wanna feel disadvantaged like a man but don't face the male consequences. As if society, and dating isnt rigged against men today... Even as a mediocre girl you can have an accepted career on onlyfans.... Try this as a dude... 😹😹😹
"people will chisel and carve a statue of a woman and call it beautiful but put a mirror in her hand and they will call it narcissism, vanity" Holy shit Anita. the ability of this woman to just spew out bangers like this is incredible
This is THE best conversation ever. So extremely detailed and both of them evolving as they try to get a solution to the problem. Thank you Anita for being so so honest. I feel every bit of your struggle as a woman.
Yeah. This is a sort of realization I had about 4 years ago. I realized I was one of the toxic guys that would do similar things and I got so disgusted with myself when I realized what I was doing and how I was making people feel. I came to realize my internal trauma and the massive misunderstanding I had with myself. I was acting out because of how my life was at the time. I stopped cold turkey. Cutting myself off from my peers and family. I just hated myself. Then I realized that if I cannot love myself how could I possibly think I could love someone else. I think I am getting better after all of that time but I find it hard to try and reach out and connect with someone. I don't have any friends or romantic relationships, and I am not looking for sympathy. This is just something I felt like typing to get off of my chest so that I can maybe start to recover. I don't know this is probably stupid. Oh well. I hope that everyone finds the life they wanted. I hope people find loving spouses and happy families. I wish everyone health and happiness and I bid you all goodnight.
That's some real anger and frustration, hoping you manage to run into the right people eventually. I've found that not everyone is as shitty as you'd imagine, though your own experience might tell you otherwise. You got this.
I think people assume that there is vulnerability and insecurity because of her tourette's syndrome and think that she's going to accept their insecurities and flaws because they assume she can't get anyone better because of her tourette's. They know this is a creepy dynamic so they mask it with niceness and understanding and when they get rejected they get flustered at the idea that someone with a "disability" would reject a nice, caring and understanding guy/girl like them when all along they were playing the long game.
@@dominiccyr2880 I think even genuine people who are not playing the "long game" can ruin it due to this unfortunate combination: 1. First, they are attracted by looks 2. Then attracted/encouraged by her tourette's (can be in a variety of ways) 3. Then fall in love with her niceness/kindness towards them. And then they're too invested to stay just friends
The way Anita articulates every detail on the topic is honestly the most eye-opening thing every time. How does one become this thought-organized where the quality of verbal communication is on par if not superseding my own written thoughts? Her understanding of self and ability to process things in conversation with Dr. K is superhuman almost.
@@WizardofgoszI think so too. I noticed many instances where she would use intellectual responses where she'd generalise about broader society rather than give a personal answer. It definitely seemed like deflection so she didn't have to talk about her feelings, and she's obviously very well-practised at doing it. I reckon if we could read Dr K's notes he'd say she has an avoidant attachment style for sure.
Yeah, happened to me too about ages 18-23 - then it calmed down. Though I never had female friends getting weird with me, lol. That's like another level. I feel like Anita is a beautiful girl, she's going through a very typical female experience (of being bombarded with sexual attention) and she's missing some important social cues or does not know what social cues she is giving off. She's failing to protect herself from unwanted attention and I feel like there's some part of the interactions that she doesn't understand correctly and that is why this keeps happening to her. The tourette's might also make creeps extra attracted to her - because it makes her seem naive, a bit defenceless and very cute. There's a reason why creeps also target young women and not older ones. Young women in general are easier to trick into stuff because the older ones have seen it a thousand times and they know the game that's being played.
@@xxxxxxxx8903 younger girls in general have a natural feminity and older ones are delusional because of career and feminism... Younger ones act more natural.. Older one are programmed by the leftist west.
@@soacker25 I think you're right. BUT... Most women stop acting the way they did when they were young because it puts them in scary situations. When you still have dad and teachers looking after you it's different, but once you become a young adult the world becomes more dangerous. I had a phase where I used to smile at strangers in town but I stopped because men would start following me when I did and it was scary AF. And I had men as old as my father hitting on me at the gym. And men I'd never met before would try to trick me into giving my phone number by claiming they needed to borrow my phone for a call (and calling themselves for my number) or by stopping me at a bus stop / at a mall and insisting on having my number despite me telling them I had a boyfriend. One older man (I was maybe 20 yo and he about 45 yo) stopped me at the mall and whispered in my ear "Do you like taking it in the ass?" When I went to excuse myself he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said "yes". He said "n some cultures that doesn't matter as long as he does not find out" and then went on to kiss me. It landed on my cheek because I turned my head and at this point, I fled not caring if it seemed abrupt or rude. This happened during daytime at a public place so I wasn't scared, just uncomfortable, but in slightly different circumstances I would have called the cops. There's a reason why women are so attracted by feminist ideals. And why women don't stay as sweet as they were young. People will target them until they learn to become less sweet. I think that is why so many women in their late twenties - early thirties are so surly. It's a protective shell. Fortunately a lot of women will regain some of their youthful feminity once they realise what has happened to them and they don't like being scared and bitter. Also as a note: I don't intend this as blame on men though I understand it can be read that way. I'm fully convinced that most of the men in my examples are decent guys, they just had no idea how scary or creepy their behaviour seemed in the moment. I think because it's difficult to get a girl's number, some guys get frustrated and they try tactics that are gross or scary. I can totally see the dilemma guys face and thus don't blame them from trying - I'm just sad that it so often has this effect on girls, making them less feminine, more aggressive, less trusting.
@@xxxxxxxx8903 Just though I'd chime in to say I appreciate the insight into this. Its sort of hard to sift through the extremes of this topic (as the comments on this video clearly show) and so I appreciate the level-headedness of your comment. There's no doubt that the world is a scary place and so I think that as women (and people in general) get older we have to become a bit more cautious and confident so that we aren't as at risk of predation by other people. I also think this has to be integrated into our peronalities so that we don't fall victim to the extremes in this case, with that being for example inceldom and extreme feminist ideals - since they prey, at least in part, on people being pitted against each other as perpetrator for all of their issues. And I think that begins with working on yourself to some extent to realise your biases and looking past them and seeing the world for what it is (might be preaching to the choir here). I think this is why I have such little patience for the incel message, that all of these guys' issues are a result of society and women and expect to just be handed a meaningful relationship on a platter without taking responsibility for their own downfalls or imperfections. Similarly to how I feel about extreme feminist ideals.
Anita, you are making a change in peoples minds just sharing this. This was very enlightening, I am a man and I have never been in a relationship but I do have unhealthy ways of thinking about women and this gives me a new found level of empathy for women in general. I feel so bad for you Anita and maybe not everyone experiences what you do but if women even suffer a fraction of what you do that's bad. ( I have of course known women deal with creepy shit but hearing personal stories makes it hit harder.) I haven't really had friendships with women (Was never good at making friends in general.) and I am very backwards but I know ultimately I don't want to hurt people and I want to treat people including women fairly.
13:20 Finally somebody besides me noticed how astonishing her English is. I always had a soft spot for those rare people who can make a two-sentence tale out of a simple everyday story and she is one of them.
I actually had a conversation with a romantic partner of mine after watching this and apologized for any potential "Love Bombing" I may have done in the past. Thanks for opening my eyes to this flaw. Keep inspiring.
This is a years worth of talking in 2 hours! Like Anita is so good at understanding and responding authentically and Dr K is so good at seeing the subtle things and displaying them clearly for the other person to proccess. Like wow. Now that is inspirational from both sides and the fact that even after a bit of anger they were able to see eachothers points was beautiful. If either of you are reading this I really appreciate what you do and I really hope your platforms/careers and or your personal lives go the best they can do and even if they don't I know you'll be able to deal with them effectively anyway. I don't know if you need to hear it or not but just in case here is the comment because you deserve compliments anyway! :)
I haven't been this much invested in a trilogy for a long time. This was amazing. I feel like I learned a lot new ways to think and hopefully I can apply them to my life. And I have a deep respect for both Dr. K and Anita. This comment will probably be buried quickly but I wish her well on her journey.
This has been a really thought-provoking conversation. It is tremendously difficult to be friends with someone you love and admire if you are lonely, but I've found that sticking with that friendship is a great way to become more mature, because that person is a human bring and not an object. Seeing aspects of them that you don't like also humanizes them and is a very sobering experience as well.
Wooow. I am so impressed with Anita’s ability to reflect on herself. She is so damn fast with understanding what dr K is saying and immediately reflecting on how this affects her own life. She understands and almost just as quickly can articulate the consequence of that to her own life or even come up with the counter-point to what dr K is saying. Dr K kinda says the same at 1:16:25. Makes this an absolutely exhilarating conversation to watch.
I think a lot of it is that she's given a *lot* of time and effort into thinking about these issues before now. You're not witnessing someone who's learning fast so much as you're witnessing someone who's *very* well versed in this sort of conversation. I still found it awesome when Dr. K was able to reach a point of helping her realize that her self esteem was valuable. I respect and admire both of them, lol
This was rough, but in the best ways.. My favorite part was when Dr. K asked her "What are you hearing me say?" And it was just REALLY refreshing hearing her response. I am working through my own trauma, and I can see where Dr. K is coming from, but hearing Anita speak was like... was like hearing my own voice for the very first time. I don't know, it's just SO SO freeing and with SO SO much clarity now.
This was my favourite one yet! This kind of episode is exactly why people need to stfu about him interviewing the twitch ‘celebrities’. Hopefully from this you’ve learnt they are people too.
WTF! the whole admiration/attraction kinda makes sense to me. like for real. Calling out "wrong" behavior in people in a 1on1 conversation is not a proof of disrespect but of respect. one wouldn't do it if one would care about the other.
Being surrounded by people who are just interested in you for superficial reasons is a strange form of loneliness, didn't imagine I would relate so much to this girl. Maybe I do have hot girl problems after all lol. Great video as always. This -> 10:42 That whole speech is the best summary of what it feels like... You are not alone Anita, we are not as alone as we think.
As a female streamer going back to 2014; I outright avoided a 'cam' for YEARS AND YEARS to avoid being 'hit on' - I didn't start using a cam until the past year; being in glasses now and much older at this point I felt I could finally do it without it becoming too much of a distraction from the actual content itself. I only have gotten a few comments; luckily my streams and videos stay 'on topic' - but thinking back on it; I'm like well- that sucks I missed out all those years streaming the content how I wanted to; but couldn't bring myself to do it
@@mrs.quills7061 you can be yourself if you want, it just comes with consequences. So many streamers think it's just an easy paycheck, and don't realize the consequences of that life. Twitch is one of the worst things the internet brought us in my opinion. It's so unhealthy.
I think this was my favorite session yet because it feels like it was the most direct and progressive from the start. Like no nonsense let’s get down to the point.
I genuinely love the fact that she was able to vent/explode for around 40 minutes even though It was derived from a miss understanding of the direction Dr.K was going or even a self protection mechanism. You won’t believe how many time I have let out all the anger and sorrow and worries within me to a imaginary person. IT just doesn’t feel real!!! Having someone listen to your explosion of thoughts and emotions even if it’s irrelevant to the topic at hand, I can only imagine how freeing it must feel.
dang actually, being in her position I feel like I would also feel my friendship is not good enough for other people, there is a very special sense of friendhood that she is missing because other people selfishness in a way, this one makes me think a lot
Anita incredibly smart. Her ability to go off and start talking about things that just spitting straight facts is amazing. I do feel like this a problem for her in the discussion though. You can see Dr. K visibly frustrated and trying to find a point to stop her from talking. Still a great discussion!
@0 0 she has some problems and cant figure them out, so since she tried some approaches that didn't work, she refuses to go with open mind for therapy as it is necessary to suffer the possibility of being wrong, so she guards herself with knowledge and mass of words which is supposed to make people feel like she is doomed and that they are unable to grasp her problems.
Yeah, she deflects a ton about things that werent even asked to her in the question and goes on unrealted rants. She has a lot of her own issues to work out regardless of anything happening in society.
Genuinely two extremely lovely people having a deep conversation which really makes you consider your own flaws and life situation. I have admiration for both Dr. K and Anita. Being strong and brave enough to have these conversations for everyone to see and keeping it genuine is amazing.
Anita is such a smart individual. Really love how aware she is of the state of the world and also sad that she has to deal with so much crap in her life.
It's honestly really inspiring to hear Anita talking to authentically. We've all got issues and traumas which we gotten used to ignoring and seeing Anita go from how she was in the first stream to now, with her being so comfortable speaking about issues she didn't attend to in the past streams, gives me hope that others can do the same with their repressed issues. I also find Dr K's questions quite piercing and they are often echoed by the Dr.K i imagine in my own mind whenever I want to get better myself.
Watching Anita laugh and smile hearing affirmation and understanding from dr k is one of the most wholesome and authentic things ive seen. I hope Anita finds the connection she desires
21:46 when i saw the thumbnail i didnt feel like watching no particular reason, probably just unconscious prejudice. But i decided to watch anyway because you guys taught me to catch that opposing feeling and interpret it as a signal that there is something to be learned. And boy im so grateful for it. Anita's struggle is so relatable i wanna scream. However her struggle is so much more severe than mine and bit with a different twist to it, because im a male. Hope ill grow enough to one day be able to share it with people in a comprehensive manner. Thank you yall and ill continue watching
This is unrelated to the video but I want to thank dr. k for being here. He has taught me and showed me how to try and solve problems in life and to never give up even when things are stressful. No matter what at the end of the day eventually you'll find a solution. Thank you Dr. K
Wow!! Thank you for this video!! Thank you for bringing up the altruism role. That's the thing here Dr. K. Women get criticized for taking on extended loving roles. Anita has found a boundary in hers and this is something so powerful women need to here. I completely relate and respect this bright woman. I take care of my mom too. I do tend to get placed in that codependent role. Im flipping dead exhausted from extending myself and trying to heal myself. I can't sleep at night trying to understand why someone who was so warm and loving to me is all of a sudden pushing me away. Just the WHOLE karmic cycles of this. Clinging onto someone who's innate of being in a loving committed relationship with me isn't my fault but it's my responsibility to see this cycle and say this isn't happening again. Just WOW!! I'm saving space for myself, just like Anita. Good job!!! ❤
What a deep discussion, the part about women and self-esteem especially left me speechless, articulated and summarized so perfectly I felt like something woke up in me. Every woman I think truly gets that. Everything's sooooo relatable, struggling with the exact same thing, feeling stranded and alone without good friendships. Life is very difficult when every friendship seems to go nowhere needing to be so wary around men, ironically having no genuinely good buddies to help deal with the sense of despair and burnout doubling down on the burden. I really felt your burnout and anger. Not even remotely as pretty or charismatic as you Anita so I deal with this on a smaller scale but boy, its difficult nonetheless. Hanging out with guys just feels natural even if it quite often ends up problematic, I'm more a tomboy, no siblings, didn't have a good emotional relationship with my mom either so its kinda hard to click with a lot of women in my case. Anyways, I tend to just keep attracting the exact same kind of people. Needing to be much more proactive with friendship is frightening its hard to view yourself as something of value but its the only real solution I think, just filtering out the people you actually like the idea of or know you'd get along with. I hope you find the friends you need in your life
I've dealt with social anxiety my entire life, and still working with it. I think a really easy start to approaching people is to just smile at a stranger. If they smile back, yay, they might be someone you can talk to. If they react poorly, then you've saved yourself time. It IS making snap judgements though, so context is important, but I think it's a helpful start.
I feel this conversation is incredibly important. I tend to feel that all the progress I've made will ultimately lead me to a point where I'm a perfect version of myself, and I picture that version forming at around 30. I have absolutely no idea how it would feel to be 30 and to have gone through these processes, partly because there are no adults in my life that have made similar strides in the areas that I feel are important like self reflection and emotional processing, and Anita has given me an idea of what that looks like. Thank you for that. Anita said that men don't tend to recognize when they admire women and in my particular situation that is not the case, I do admire her not because of her looks but because she has given me an invaluable picture into how a person that processes the world in a similar way that I do feels about things after having been through those processes. I really feel that this conversation eases an anxiety I didn't know I had and that it gave me an idea of what to expect to feel in that stage of the process that was previously empty in my mind. Really really thank you for this, Anita and dr K both.
30 is the true beginning of your adult life. At least for people in the modern wealthy western world. 30s are much better for me than 20s. Hang in there.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”
I just found these sessions through Anita shortly after I recently found her channel and this has been very educational for me learning a lot and also understanding myself through these conversations. When they give challenging ideas and concepts and challenge each other throughout this conversation, it also challenges me to think about it and how I understand and perceive it, how it is applied myself, to Anita, to Dr. K, and to society and everything in between. It is an absolute to joy to listen to two very intellectual people talk about big problems but also the most subtlest of cracks, as an observer of it all which some I notice and some I completely missed or didn't even think about 'til it was mentioned. I think this has great topics and points and touches upon a lot of relevant issues, and just a great watch overall. Gotta say I've never been happier seeing someone angry. Anita has really come a long way here from the first session and it just really made me happy.
This conversation was enlightening. Especially the conflagration of admiration and attraction. Love is such a complicated feeling I have so little experience with, in a way I think this conversation helped me understand a bit about what I feel. Thank you
I have struggled with so many similar issues and have started to feel a so lost and stuck in my early thirties. I too had o become a mother as a child and all I knew for so long was getting up to please everyone else. Ironically forever I actually ENJOYED it. I LOVE making other people happy, it brings me such joy. And I feel the same, I have always treated men and women the same way and then was always told I was flirting, but I truly have no idea how to flirt. I was in only girls schools by high school and didn’t know how to interact with boys, so I just did the same thing I had always done - treated them like people who have fears thoughts and wants that are interesting and I am excited to ask them about themselves and hear about their experiences and either attempt to relate or just let them know I understand. The very first relationship I got into I’ve seen how toxic it has been from the start and at this point I’m so miserable. I am demisexual as well and he is always pressuring me when I don’t want to have sex (most of the time lately)
i have tourettes so im pretty hype for this its hard to find help for and a real struggle to live with (mostly physical rather than verbal swearing, verbal noise tics when drunk though ) edit: only 10 mins in but its hitting way too close to home despite not being about tourettes, its fucking awful being terrified to befriend other gamers because it feels like if youre seen as ""quirky"" and even the slightest bit feminine then thirsty people are going to have ulterior motives. i think some male gamers think girls are lucky for being hit on all the time but no its really damaging and isolating. it feels kind of emotionally violating to be forced to be paranoid and avoidant of platonic relationships due to fear of the other person thinking you treating them as equal means you want to fuck or date. it makes you feel worthless, like you have no good qualities other than your body which you have no control over. i developed a phobia of romantic love due to this problem and realised im not into dudes at all in that way lol
@@chillisalad123 Nah shit, mate. There's no point saying that because it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still worth talking about. It's also a fact of life that you will lose family members close to you but that doesn't mean it's not worth talking about it's impact. Calm with the attitude.
Well said. From my experience it gets better after a few years have passed, but I did spend a part of my 20's navigating gamer groups where bets were made behind my back on who would sleep with me first or having rumors spread about me by people because I told them no. So I really relate to your comment. I hope in time you feel safe enough to venture into new friendships.
Ugh, Anita once again SO right. We are not allowed to love ourselves and it is SO confusing to try to grow and stop being taken advantage of by people by having more self respect, but if I do I’m made to feel like it’s not ok
Wow. Absolutely mind blowing. I can relate to this frustration, and the depth of exploration that happened here was so powerful, meaningful, and valuable for me. Thank you both. 🙏
I'm really grateful to have discovered Dr. K's channel. Far too often, I tried to help people by pulling the i-figured-it-out-for-you card. What's more important is to guide them to ask questions about the feelings they are having. It's about them. Not me.
This conversation was amazing. Her tics almost disappeared for so long! I really wish I could be a good friend to her haha, I feel I would learn a lot. I relate so much with her can't angery issues. So glad she is being able to get angry and grow this much
00:02 Starting healthy gamer and group coaching program 01:54 Finding growth in shared experiences 06:05 Dealing with unwanted attention and distractions 07:56 Managing unchangeable circumstances with humor 11:15 Struggles with making long-term friends and facing unwanted advances. 13:05 Authenticity in expressing frustrations in relationships 17:04 Struggling to avoid unwanted attention despite changing approach 18:32 Struggling with trust and loneliness due to misinterpretation of friendships 21:46 Taking responsibility for others' personal growth is exhausting and not fulfilling. 23:20 Struggle with seeking self-identity and balancing others' expectations. 26:56 Navigating unwanted romantic advances and setting boundaries. 28:28 Struggling with unwanted attention and boundaries 31:17 Struggling with setting boundaries and challenges in friendships 33:05 Struggling with unchangeable circumstances and patterns 36:47 Discovering self-capabilities and enjoying alone time 38:56 Prioritizing self-love and happiness over filling a void with a relationship. 42:25 Discussing personal experiences with attracting attention and struggling with boundaries. 44:09 Different perspectives in approaching advice 47:42 Struggling with unchangeable circumstances 49:13 Struggling with acceptance and worth in relationships 53:14 Realization of societal craving for youth 54:58 Phenomenon of women attracting men due to feminine energy 58:25 Treating others with unconditional acceptance and authenticity. 1:00:07 Gender roles are socially conditioned 1:03:00 Misunderstanding between male and female friendships 1:04:16 Setting boundaries with friends to avoid misunderstandings. 1:07:57 People become irrational in relationships 1:09:35 Past experiences led to aversion to human connection 1:12:47 Recognizing familiar but painful patterns of behavior. 1:14:43 Avoiding life traps by recognizing risk factors and familiarity. 1:17:53 The tragedy of friends turning into something else 1:19:33 Sweet Anita talks about her experience with demisexuality. 1:22:42 Unintentionally impacting friendships due to personal biases. 1:24:21 Exploring unchangeable circumstances and subtle personal growth challenges. 1:27:18 Balancing between what you want and what might happen 1:28:56 Differentiating between emotionally intimate and new safe friendships. 1:32:04 Challenging societal expectations and boundaries 1:33:29 Struggling with being held responsible for others' actions 1:36:53 Accepting unchangeable circumstances and not taking responsibility for others' behavior. 1:38:30 Accepting yourself and influencing change 1:41:59 Finding a balance between emotional safety and intimacy 1:43:37 Struggle with societal conditioning and finding balance in being authentic. 1:46:57 Anita's admiration for her mother's capabilities and positive impact on her life. 1:48:22 Sweet Anita is amazing despite debilitating illness. 1:51:25 Discussion on the conflation of admiration with attraction 1:53:07 Recognize your admirable qualities 1:56:22 Struggling to accept compliments and have self-esteem 1:58:12 Having faith in others despite societal norms 2:01:33 Building self-esteem by acknowledging and working through unchangeable circumstances. 2:03:36 Building self-esteem by setting boundaries 2:07:22 Understanding the challenges of leaving abusive relationships 2:08:57 Encouragement to handle online negativity and self-judgment 2:12:25 Addressing pressure and respect in conversations
Dr. K is just so good at what he does. I am constantly astounded by his little comments and theories that are always prolific and perfectly thought out.
This was so good! Enlightening and interesting in many ways. Anita also shared something that was very helpful for me, and gave me a breakthrough I guess you could say. So I recently started watching a TV show and found myself really drawn to a specific character. Eventually this turned into a feeling of love for the character. And before listening to this I felt that love and physical attraction for the character. But Anita brought up the fact that men who are attracted to her mother actually aspire to her. They see her personality and qualities and see what they hope they themselves can one day become. But since boys are not taught to look up to and have female role models we confuse this with being in love with that person. So what I started to think about was, what is it that I find so attractive about this character that I love. And also thinking back on what was said during the waifu episode of this show, I realized that I want to be this character, I aspire to her. And that I'm not actually in love with her in a romantic way, but just loving who she is and what I could one day hopefully become. Thank you so much for this Anita and Dr. K!❤ It was such a good episode and especially this was so helpful for me to learn and writing it down also helped me collect my thoughts about it. I will now try to aspire to this character in my life as I move forward instead of long for a relationship with her. Thanks!!
I thought that was a very good point she made, and what you add here is also great. I think what can make it feel even more confusing is that the feelings of attraction & admiration are not mutually exclusive! For example, it's possible to genuinely be in love with someone, and admire them as a person at the same time. So how do you know the difference between feeling genuine love & admiration, versus confusing admiration FOR love? I don't really know. But I suppose the best way to find the answer is to look deeply into your intentions.
Great comment and love your understanding of her story. Having a role model seems like such a stretch of trust these days, I totally get how a character in a show can take that place.
There’s actually another Dr K video about anime waifu where it is pointed out eventually that the character you feel romantically attracted to in fact has some traits you want to own.
This discussion was combative, but in a productive and intellectual way. She's definitely experiencing growing pains and developing an insight of nuance towards herself and others who want things from her. At the end of it all and despite all the real challenges she lays out Dr. K can recover from being challenged and was rightfully asked to readjust and took a strong stance. The strong stance met her building frustration and at the end of it all an agreement of promise and confidence and faith in a delightful and sharp woman. Truly shining as a beacon of hope that she will make progress even beyond what is now 'impossible'.
1:30:22 my same confusion when Anita suddenly went on this tangent, eventhough in my eyes he wasn't implying that at all. Anyways I did understand a lot of Anita's problems though and wish her all the best.
Yeah. I guess she was sensitive to feeling diagnosed and labeled in therapist terms, and didn't realize that she was the one who brought up 'repetition compulsion' and Dr. K was just agreeing that this could indeed be a contributing factor to explain repeating relationship patterns. She might have previously been told that repetition compulsion was part of what compelled her to be too nice to everyone and that she shouldn't be so nice to everyone, and so conflated that with what Dr. K was saying, which was instead just recognize she could be stuck in a repeating cycle of putting herself in the same relationships because of unconscious biases or selections that she should examine.
@@darlantro Yeah, there's definitely something not right. And her frustration is only on top of that. Especially weird is when DR. K asks her personal question and she immediately starts to talk about society, world, etc. She doesn't really talk about herself. And I don't really think it's her altruism that's manifesting here...
@@LordHerek yeah, it seems like she tends to think more from a sociological perspective vs he from a psychological one, i think they mentioned it a bit
@@444milk yeah she sounds like me a child of a parent who was a narcissist and extended family of emotional abusers. I see the same stuff not bring able to manage friends romantic relationships and "familial" relationships. But I like her now know that I attract the negativity unconsciously.
I just watched the previous stream shortly before this one and I cheered when Anita got angry. She was so unwilling to be mad on her own behalf last time. She definitely has grown and I admire her dedication to learning about herself.
I could go on and on for an hour about why and how I needed to see exactly these 3 interviews with Anita and how, as much as it may seem like an exaggeration, they have impacted me in such a profound way that I believe it will be genuinely life-altering to me, but I think it's unnecessary to detail my personal shit here to get this point across. However, I do also want add to that that Anita seems to be truly walking on the path to - scratch that, STRUTTING directly towards enlightenment, even if unwittingly, and I have complete and utter faith in her, especially after watching this third session. And as a final note, I must also say that I commend you immensely, Dr. K, for the genuine self-inspection, humility and listening capability you display when handling criticism and hurt. While I know this is part of your job, it is still a rare sight to see and deserves appreciation.
Didn't catch the first hour or so on stream :). I like talks with Anita! Even though it gets pretty intense here. I hope Anita finds a way to cope with this way people are treating her.
@@bronzeowl9 I stopped watching because her content became "simp bashing". Blame Terrence, but she controls the content through editing. She attracts dark people because she has a mean streak they can relate to.
I just binged all the interviews with Anita and they are honestly so moving. This one is hard to watch but its a really important part of the process. Part of Dr. K's job is to help people dig into things they're defensive about and this was such a resounding success in that by the end. I think the way Anita talks at the end about the pressure of doing this live with twitch chat going the whole time and not meaning to take it out on him showed remarkable strength, and just, wow. Massive respect to both of them.
"I have faith in the person who has brought you this far" damn... I watch Healthy Gamer to sort of resolve my problems and I also thought before that it was the other people who made me get out of depression. But what I did not see is the fact that they just pushed the boat but I am the one rowing it. Dr. K. emphasized that I ought to have more faith in my self and I have really done a lot to improve my situation more than I realize. P.S. that first person third person analogy was pretty dope. Imma use that. The siren song was also bad ass.
A guy I went to high school with made my life hell because he couldn’t understand what no meant. Every single day he would corner me (made me feel extremely uncomfortable) and ask me to date him/go to his house after school. At some point asking turned to demanding me to date him and he would creat these fantasy’s in his head of all the things we would do together... I lost count of how many times I said no and made it perfectly clear I wasn’t interested, but he saw it as a challenge and it only stop when we graduated and I got the fuck away from that town. And more recently a guy I was actually friends with and worked with did the same thing. No matter how many times I said no or for him to stop he just wouldn’t. It got to the point of me avoiding him and this went on for 2 years until I quite a job I loved 9 months ago because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I’ve lost a number of friends to the same thing but those 2 were the worst ones. So yeah she’s definitely not alone with this problem.
It reminds me of people who are bullied. It's not their fault per se but there are ways to navigate it a bit better. One way is to just be really really really boring and tedious when they try and engage. If you're too blunt they see it as like a challenge to win your affection, be nice and they think it's a green light. However a convo like this will have them looking for the door 'hey you didn't respond to my text last night?' 'Hey... Yeah... I was going to be then I was having some issues with my straighteners, one of the plates doesn't get hot enough so it doesn't really do my hair properly, I find that one side is always a bit more wavey than the over, I read is cosmo this is a common issue amongst hair stylists in LA, and when they do fashion shows they will have backup pairs for this very issue. I've even read it might be something to do with the modal number' etc. and just keep talking and talking preferably in bored sounding monotone voice. That way they won't lose face ether, they will just think they've gone off you.
Holy cow, Anita is so insanely smart. Hearing her put all of these abstract things into words is blowing my mind. She's giving this whole new perspective that I've never seen or heard and it's so impressive. I'm rethinking everything I've ever thought and did and how it may have affected people or will affect people in the future. I'm so glad I watched this video
A program I am in really helped me draw a distinction between fault/blame and responsibility. There are plenty of things that have happened in my life that are NOT my fault, but NOTHING that is not my responsibility. The key practical difference for me is in the idea that fault and blame have to do with judgment, assigning a good/bad or right/wrong designation, or deciding who should be punished... it's punitive. Responsibility, however, creates new possibilities for action. I think this could be a really valuable distinction for whom there is a risk and perception of victim blaming. In a question of judgment and who was right or wrong in the situations Anita was describing, she is 100% NOT at fault or to blame for the abhorrent actions and behaviors of the assholes who have assaulted her, tried to long game her, quid pro quo her etc... That shit is ALL on them! However she can decide to take 100% responsibility for the patterns of her life and in doing so create the possibility of creating something new.
That was honestly such an interesting and amazing watch, Anita is nothing short of an amazing person and I really hope things are going better for them since this.
1:54:52 This whole part where Anita articulates the difficulties in seeing positives in herself really opened my eyes. The bit about the statue of a woman with and without a mirror in particular was such a good way of expressing the ridiculousness of the way women are shamed for having self-esteem. So glad I watched this whole video. I really got a lot out of this excellent conversation.
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"I never really pictured myself getting to this point in my life in terms of improvement. I had always felt destined to be stuck in the way I was. “ - B. R.
Oone thing I dont get on the website is, why do you have 10/20% off for bigger packages? Seems to me just like marketing. Or am I missing something? Thanks
Serious non judgemental question : looking at the logo and the 'dot gg'... Is this project connected to the old Gamergate community in some way?
@@mattphillips538 no, .gg is just a recently popular website ending, just like .com, but used mostly for gaming (gg = good game)
@@mattphillips538 no gg is good game not gamergate
@@Chris3s we wanted to provide different lengths of time because depending on the issue people need different lengths of time. We threw in the discounts to help people who need longer-term support.
"I'm singing 'cause I like the song, not because I like them."
That line and the whole siren analogy was some genuinely profound stuff.
Just because shes singing, dons't mean she wants the semen ... sorry
@@TheUltimateFridge lmao WHAT??
@@TheUltimateFridge true
@@therealdonaldtrump4528 Seamen*
@@TheUltimateFridge hahaha i noticed it too xD
Watching her challenge him authentically and how he reacted was incredible. So much respect for them both.
@AMellowFellow a lot of the time it isn’t a matter where you talk with someone, even a therapist, for them to give you an answer. Just talking about it helps us think through things better, to me this seemed like a very helpful conversation to them and to viewers like me to think about things in our own lives, even if he didn’t wow anyone with life changing revelations. Sometimes there is no answer yet, just good conversation to help us think and process and solidify ideas till we are able to solve a problem.
Timestamp
I'd say it was more of a defensive attack on her part as she was triggered by him putting a bit of the burden of her relationships back on her. But I agree that he dealt with it in a very impressive way that was massively inspiring.
@AMellowFellow Hmm, maybe. But if your glasses are on the top of your head you won't find them by looking around the room. One of the values a therapist could provide is non-emotionality and having a mind separate from your own.
@@Bibbzter666 Kind of agree, but would note that distinguishing emotional attack from someone else genuinely being wrong and unreasonable is wrong.
It's a nasty problem with self-reliance, you aren't used to people help you, they just tell you things you already know with judgment attached to them. Other people don't notice the judgment because the help/ judgment ratio is different.
So far this has been a pretty hard watch. Not because this was a bad stream, quite the opposite in fact, but because in the past I've been some of the guys that Anita describes. The type who keeps holding out in a friendship hoping for a romance, even when I've been openly shot down, so the start was kind of like having a mirror held up to some of the ugly parts of my personality, especially since you can see the hurt and the anger in Anita's voice as she expresses what it's like to be on the receiving end.
I'm already aware of these flaws I have, but this has opened my eyes even further.
Thank you Dr K, and Anita!
same here, I have become aware of it after learning what the word SIMP is (english isn't my first language). I recognised that I have had attitudes towards females that were wrong. I think I'll write to that girl to whom I was so insistent on being in a relationship with , even when she was clear she didn't want to, that she wanted to be friens, and apologies
Same thing here. It's really made me look at myself. I'd already had the thought of
"Women are humans just like me with loves, hates, hobbies, tastes, and experiences just like me. I'd just never put that at the forefront of my mind. It actually makes the idea of dating and intimacy a lot less scary for me cause rather than looking for someone by how the sex may be or if they think I'm funny or something like that, it's more about does this person have my same likes, and dislikes, can i relate to them and make them feel the same, and do i enjoy there company. I think ( or at least I'm starting to think) that i can find that in a friend as well as a girlfriend. I think i put sex too high on my list and as such it can make me transparent and pushy rather than someone looking to enjoy anothers company
I don't know, another question for the therapist i suppose. Good luck man
As soon as i hit play after typing that. Anita literally said the same shit but shorter and more concise. This stream is a god send lol
It's not that ugly.
Never be friends with a girl your attracted too. Its not fair to you.
I love how Anita goes on a wisdom rant for 10 minutes and Dr k goes: "yes."
or « can i think for a second? » and Anita starts laughing, this is so cute haha i love that.
@@morwenk4910 "no Dr K, you may not think, this is my show now" *laughs cutely*
sometimes people just need someone to vent to/listen to their thoughts
"Everyone wants to complement you but nobody wants you to believe it" damn Anita spitting straight facts right here
If that's the case you should probably change your social circle.
@@Bibbzter666 its not social circle, it's societal bruh.
@@bee4590 Is that a fact?
@@Bibbzter666 yeah let me pull out a study. the fuck?
@@bee4590 Sounds a bit narcissistic and paranoid to believe EVERYONE is out to get you. Sounds more psychological than societal.
This was probably my favourite interview so far. Anita has some incredible depth and her way of verbalising her thoughts is almost poetic. Thank you Dr K and Anita for this.
Plus the merch is amazing! Just bought some :)
YES BUT, FEMINISM IS REALLY RUINING HER LIFE...
Seeing Anita take better care of herself and allow herself to be angry makes me so happy :^) Also love hearing y'all talk with eachother, you're both so smart.
God she's absolutely razor-sharp. This is one of, if not maybe the best, conversations on this channel. So many different kinds of people could benefit from this, myself included. Some parts honestly got a little uncomfortable to hear, since I've been in a couple scenarios where I've been unsure if girls didn't like me or were just playing hard to get. This was made even more difficult by instances where their girlfriends told me they actually were playing hard to get or that they did like me. The dilemma of "should I cut it off prematurely or should I stick it out to really find out" really is a difficult one, especially when you factor in all of the mixed messages we're fed as we grow up. I know I should err on the side of caution though, since it would be the absolute worst thing to know that I contributed to anyone feeling the same things that Anita expressed here. The fact that it was uncomfortable to hear just highlights that there are things I still need to work on about myself. I think the answer really is radical authenticity from all parties involved.
You’re right! I’ve been on both sides of these situations so I have a unique perspective and generally if you’re concerned about being an asshole you probably aren’t one.
My husband also suffers from the problem of feeling the need to avoid making acquaintances of women because they think he’s going to come on to them. I thought it was all in his head and was coaching him to become more comfortable with the idea when one of the women he was talking to at work said: “Aren’t you married?” So I have that perspective too.
Unfortunately all that has taught me is that some people are assholes and use and abuse their position in life. Whether that’s women playing with men or men think yes means no. I developed a 6th sense for them and at the slightest hint of asshollery I cut them off. I’m also lucky that unlike Anita I’ve got strong bonds with my siblings and friends so I’m able to be ‘picky’.
I have had a few of my male friends show interest in me, and honestly the best thing you could do is ask directly. I know that it takes a lot of courage to just ask, but imho its the best and most respectful thing to do. Be honest. Say, Hey I'm interested in having a relationship with you. That way, you don't have to wonder, and you should put it in your mind that the answer MIGHT WELL BE NO, and you have to accept that and move on. Another thing is, its not her friends' place to know what she wants in a relationship. I'm a more private person and I don't always express my interest in someone to my friends. The biggest issue I have with these situations is a lack of respect, but from what I can tell from your reply, you are very respectful.
Ive also been on both sides of the same coin and hearing her side really opened my eyes to some of my own flaws.
if someone 'plays hard to get' theyre emotionally immature and that relationship would be a backwards mess anyway. if they arent playing hard to get then the answer is no. just go for girls who can be honest and say yes.
This comment expressed my thoughts exactly. Such an amazing conversation.
"It's easier to see your problems in someone else." I got insight into my own issues and ended up making a huge breakthrough after watching your vids. Thanks a ton!
If you don't mind me asking, what was a good example of that?
@@seriousbuissness8061 Basically, my issues were with an overpowering and irrational fear of failure which led to prolonged procrastination, feeling lazy, trapped, etc. There was a video where he talked with a guy (I think it was a streamer) who considered himself lazy during which (or right after) I had my realization/breakthrough. Afterwards, I found a few other vids which better relate to my issue, such as when he explains that motivation is something you already have but it's just blocked by certain thoughts/beliefs/circumstances.
However, I think I had my breakthrough after the lazy discussion, though my circumstances were kind of different.
Basically, I've learned from childhood that I'll get in huge trouble if I fail and at the same time that no matter how much I do/work/achieve, it's never enough. So, I would try to do something, feel overwhelmed by thoughts of it's not enough, then procrastinate for up to several weeks. Then, I'd try again for a couple of days before again I got overwhelmed. I would almost become comatose in bed just watching youtube or reading and being unable to get up.
Of course, the issue is much more complicated. It led to me realizing that some of my hobbies and aspirations were motivated by trauma. It led to me procrastinating on my aspirations for almost 10 years. Quite a few of my actions and motivations were and may still be motivated by this central cause.
I'm better now, and while I still get an intense urge to avoid certain activities, I can shake it off to some extent (much better than before anyway). I'm conscious of what is happening, so it's easier to catch myself in the act and plan for when it happens. Hopefully, things will continue to improve in the future.
@@danidsds thank you for sharing this 💚
Dude I'm telling you, you need to get a friendship where you can talk about anything, I'm telling you when you get into personal convos and you bring up struggles people are fast to to help point out what could be the case, and reading your own words infront of you can help point the answer out, I've done that a lot with friends it's nice coming to conclusions with your bros or girls or whatever. I love finding insights into my own things, I'm always searching for information that can refine myself.
@@soilthestillborn4949 That's not exactly easy for me. I'm pretty social, but due to my circumstances don't meet that many people and this pandemic isn't helping a whole lot. Do planning on doing something about it though
I really hope Anita finds genuine friendships. 80% of my friendships came from this platform and Twitch
Thats just sad Go outside
how do you make friends on RUclips and Twitch?
she needs to ugly herself up or not wear makeup if your number one problem in life is everyone trying to sex you maybe not wear lipstick
@@AtomFA You sound like a thirsting man telling a drowning woman to just swallow some more water.
@@Elidan1012 no im telling her to try closing her mouth
I think the streams with Anita are some of the best. For one her intelect and her ability to analyse are quite impressive but I also like that she challenges Dr. K and not just accepts it. This makes an interesting and stimulating conversation thats fun to follow.
Yeah it's not too common with guests, but I love how she has already done a ton of the work and research herself and can confidently challenge Dr. K or what she thinks he is saying.
@@Furiac. ll
I don’t really take it as her challenging him. It’s actually very different as he is trying to comprehend Anita as a person and work through it with her, so if Anita doesn’t feel represented by his observations it is more like her explaining what dr.K is trying to understand.
I see her "challenging" him as resistance by intellectualizing. Dr. K was trying to explain that the only thing she can control is herself. Anita misunderstood that as taking blame and responsibility for other people's behavior. Dr. K was trying to empower her by showing her that she has some control in these scenarios and to look for instances of that. If Anita could acknowledge the power she has, she would be able to see other options for action. Anita making the kind of friends she wants isn't hopeless because she is not powerless. The same kind of resistance happened when Dr. K talked about her mother in their first video. Anita almost said the same exact words when she felt that Dr. K was "blaming" her mother for her traumatic childhood.
Anita is incredibly smart and introspective, but it seems to give her tunnel vision sometimes and I wonder if she isn't more concerned with being correct (in her mind) than being open to alternate perspectives that have potential to encourage growth. Or it could be as simple as Dr. K's approach not being a good fit for her and that they haven't had enough time to develop a trusting therapeutic relationship. Or maybe Anita partly wanted to use this as a platform to highlight important social issues, which is a wonderful thing to do. Or Dr. K has completely misunderstood her, but watching her reactions I think it's quite the opposite.
@@LS-zt7eo They haven't developed a therapeutic relationship because this isn't therapy. I don't think the conversation would be the same if it was.
Holy shit Dr. K is a genius. It is so fascinating to listen to him systematically work through all of this and also be flexible enough to consistently meet people where they are at. He is also so incredibly careful and nuanced with his wording as well as his approach to navigating sensitive concepts. It is just amazing.
I seriously feel empowered after watching this one. I've never processed codependency like this now my mind is wide awake. Brilliant!!! ❤❤❤
I’m actually a girl who has quite the opposite problems as Anita, in fact I relate to lonely guys in a lot of ways; not even that ppl aren’t attracted to me but a lot of times I go unnoticed at all, I’ve experienced this at a lot of parties too. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I even exist. BUT that being said, I’m so so so glad Anita came on here today. Her honesty somehow led me to empathize with her. Usually, I’ve always been the jealous woman, or even the woman who continues to pursue relationships that will never workout. Not to the extent of Anita’s friends tho, that’s a bit too extreme. A lot of my “pursuits” were more internal, me holding onto feelings for years and years even if I don’t speak to them, and if I do, throwing out a subtle flirt every now and then. But doing that is not only uncomfortable for the other person, who is just also trynna live their life, it’s bad for you too. Bc when you become so infatuated or obsessed with someone, you stop seeing them as human, that’s when the friendship is destroyed. And these feelings eat away at your own soul too.
This is something I’ve been working to get away from this past year. And a lot of it, for me at least, does come from a place of insecurity or not feeling accepted. A decent guy actually wants to be friends with me and accept me for who I am? Wow, maybe I am worth it! That’s not a good mindset to have. Don’t base your friendships and relationships off of how much worth they give you. You have to find worth in yourself, and that journey may take several years, even a lifetime, but you still have to take it if you don’t want to go down a path of destruction. I know this happens to a lot of guys, but I’ve also seen it happen to many women, and just in general, this is a good rule for everyone.
it would be so interesting if he'd talk with a person with those problems
I absolutely agree with this, and I’ve struggled with this too (being a objectively average or less than average looking woman), and it’s cause me to obsess over my insecurities about my appearance, so much so that I mentally make everything about my appearance. “Oh they’re being mean to me? Must be because I’m ugly.” “Oh someone’s making eye contact with my friend instead of me when talking to a group? That’s because she’s prettier.” This has cause me not only to have terrible negative thoughts about myself but also exhibit toxic behaviour towards others (such as jealousy).
"And a lot of it, for me at least, does come from a place of insecurity or not feeling accepted. A decent guy actually wants to be friends with me and accept me for who I am? Wow, maybe I am worth it!"
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling worthwhile because good people treat you like you are. In fact, I think that's exactly what a lot of people need in order to feel good about themselves. It isn't like we just one day decided that we were crap. We took negative cues from our environment. Taking positive ones is good. I think the goal is to take positive treatment and appreciate it, and then extend that into our own minds so that when we aren't treated positively at other times, we can remember a feeling of fundamental value in ourselves.
All this as a way of saying I think.. Detachment from fixation doesn't always mean detaching from other people and their thoughts. Sometimes it means detaching from our own assumptions about how we can feel better and be healthy. Putting pressure on ourselves to be happy, and actually getting less happy due to that pressure, is one example of that. Putting pressure on ourselves to not derive a sense of worth from other people, I think is another example.
@@asdrt6405 Truth spoken, bro! For most of the time women love to pariticipate what men do... Sport, lifestyle, competition and in this case pity. But it always just an option... They wanna feel disadvantaged like a man but don't face the male consequences. As if society, and dating isnt rigged against men today... Even as a mediocre girl you can have an accepted career on onlyfans.... Try this as a dude... 😹😹😹
@@JS-no7xc Wow, I didn't think about it that way...damn have you thought about dabbling in psychology yourself :()??
"people will chisel and carve a statue of a woman and call it beautiful but put a mirror in her hand and they will call it narcissism, vanity"
Holy shit Anita. the ability of this woman to just spew out bangers like this is incredible
That is genuinely amazing
Self adoration vs outside adoration
That is vanity. That's not a very thoughtful line at all.
@@illhaveanother8173 Looking at yourself in a mirror is vanity?
@@illhaveanother8173yes. Profundity fail.
This is THE best conversation ever. So extremely detailed and both of them evolving as they try to get a solution to the problem. Thank you Anita for being so so honest. I feel every bit of your struggle as a woman.
It's great! A lot of women connect with this situation as well
Interestingly her tics disapear when she's emotionally engaged. I'm just glad she is able to eat a chocolate without guilt now.
I have tics and they often go away when I'm focusing on something really hard, like drawing or writing or having a serious conversation.
She's emotionally unstable
@@jordanclay7038 po for
@@asdasda7940 Ah so that's why dr K, a trained psychiatrist, is giving her a compliment for showing those emotions. Got it
What tics? She’s winking at me
This might have been the best conversation so far, very important and interesting stuff
blew my mind
Yeah. This is a sort of realization I had about 4 years ago. I realized I was one of the toxic guys that would do similar things and I got so disgusted with myself when I realized what I was doing and how I was making people feel. I came to realize my internal trauma and the massive misunderstanding I had with myself. I was acting out because of how my life was at the time. I stopped cold turkey. Cutting myself off from my peers and family. I just hated myself. Then I realized that if I cannot love myself how could I possibly think I could love someone else. I think I am getting better after all of that time but I find it hard to try and reach out and connect with someone. I don't have any friends or romantic relationships, and I am not looking for sympathy. This is just something I felt like typing to get off of my chest so that I can maybe start to recover. I don't know this is probably stupid. Oh well. I hope that everyone finds the life they wanted. I hope people find loving spouses and happy families. I wish everyone health and happiness and I bid you all goodnight.
I see where you're coming from, I'm dealing with these thoughts too. Best of luck!
I hope you're doing good mate. I'm kind of in a similar spot rn so it makes me happy to now you're doing it too and getting somewhere.
Best of luck for your journey forward!
Wow, Anita has grown a lot. That’s so encouraging. I really hope she finds what she wants and needs in healthy relationships.
That's some real anger and frustration, hoping you manage to run into the right people eventually. I've found that not everyone is as shitty as you'd imagine, though your own experience might tell you otherwise. You got this.
it's almost like everyone in anita's life is the living embodiment of r/niceguys which is really scary ...
Even the girls; wtf?
I think people assume that there is vulnerability and insecurity because of her tourette's syndrome and think that she's going to accept their insecurities and flaws because they assume she can't get anyone better because of her tourette's. They know this is a creepy dynamic so they mask it with niceness and understanding and when they get rejected they get flustered at the idea that someone with a "disability" would reject a nice, caring and understanding guy/girl like them when all along they were playing the long game.
@@dominiccyr2880 I think even genuine people who are not playing the "long game" can ruin it due to this unfortunate combination:
1. First, they are attracted by looks
2. Then attracted/encouraged by her tourette's (can be in a variety of ways)
3. Then fall in love with her niceness/kindness towards them.
And then they're too invested to stay just friends
@@Pilkas_Vilkas hah, what losers
I thought that subreddit was ironic... i joined it 😂
Caught this live. One of the best streams yet! Two very smart people coming from a sociological and a psychological perspective.
The way Anita articulates every detail on the topic is honestly the most eye-opening thing every time. How does one become this thought-organized where the quality of verbal communication is on par if not superseding my own written thoughts? Her understanding of self and ability to process things in conversation with Dr. K is superhuman almost.
Well said. It absolutely supersedes my written thoughts, by a long shot.
Meditate, read, be genetically gifted.
Sounded to me like she is using it to avoid the Doc's gentle nudging her into the right direction.
@@WizardofgoszI think so too. I noticed many instances where she would use intellectual responses where she'd generalise about broader society rather than give a personal answer. It definitely seemed like deflection so she didn't have to talk about her feelings, and she's obviously very well-practised at doing it. I reckon if we could read Dr K's notes he'd say she has an avoidant attachment style for sure.
Honestly, what she feels happens a lot of women.
And I'm so happy she is voicing it out in such a strong way.
Thank you Anita, you are fuckin amazing!
Yeah, happened to me too about ages 18-23 - then it calmed down. Though I never had female friends getting weird with me, lol. That's like another level. I feel like Anita is a beautiful girl, she's going through a very typical female experience (of being bombarded with sexual attention) and she's missing some important social cues or does not know what social cues she is giving off. She's failing to protect herself from unwanted attention and I feel like there's some part of the interactions that she doesn't understand correctly and that is why this keeps happening to her. The tourette's might also make creeps extra attracted to her - because it makes her seem naive, a bit defenceless and very cute. There's a reason why creeps also target young women and not older ones. Young women in general are easier to trick into stuff because the older ones have seen it a thousand times and they know the game that's being played.
@@xxxxxxxx8903 younger girls in general have a natural feminity and older ones are delusional because of career and feminism... Younger ones act more natural.. Older one are programmed by the leftist west.
@@soacker25 I think you're right. BUT... Most women stop acting the way they did when they were young because it puts them in scary situations. When you still have dad and teachers looking after you it's different, but once you become a young adult the world becomes more dangerous. I had a phase where I used to smile at strangers in town but I stopped because men would start following me when I did and it was scary AF. And I had men as old as my father hitting on me at the gym. And men I'd never met before would try to trick me into giving my phone number by claiming they needed to borrow my phone for a call (and calling themselves for my number) or by stopping me at a bus stop / at a mall and insisting on having my number despite me telling them I had a boyfriend.
One older man (I was maybe 20 yo and he about 45 yo) stopped me at the mall and whispered in my ear "Do you like taking it in the ass?" When I went to excuse myself he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I said "yes". He said "n some cultures that doesn't matter as long as he does not find out" and then went on to kiss me. It landed on my cheek because I turned my head and at this point, I fled not caring if it seemed abrupt or rude. This happened during daytime at a public place so I wasn't scared, just uncomfortable, but in slightly different circumstances I would have called the cops.
There's a reason why women are so attracted by feminist ideals. And why women don't stay as sweet as they were young. People will target them until they learn to become less sweet. I think that is why so many women in their late twenties - early thirties are so surly. It's a protective shell. Fortunately a lot of women will regain some of their youthful feminity once they realise what has happened to them and they don't like being scared and bitter. Also as a note: I don't intend this as blame on men though I understand it can be read that way. I'm fully convinced that most of the men in my examples are decent guys, they just had no idea how scary or creepy their behaviour seemed in the moment. I think because it's difficult to get a girl's number, some guys get frustrated and they try tactics that are gross or scary. I can totally see the dilemma guys face and thus don't blame them from trying - I'm just sad that it so often has this effect on girls, making them less feminine, more aggressive, less trusting.
@@soacker25 Phew lad, please don't shoot up any school or church anytime soon.
@@xxxxxxxx8903 Just though I'd chime in to say I appreciate the insight into this. Its sort of hard to sift through the extremes of this topic (as the comments on this video clearly show) and so I appreciate the level-headedness of your comment. There's no doubt that the world is a scary place and so I think that as women (and people in general) get older we have to become a bit more cautious and confident so that we aren't as at risk of predation by other people. I also think this has to be integrated into our peronalities so that we don't fall victim to the extremes in this case, with that being for example inceldom and extreme feminist ideals - since they prey, at least in part, on people being pitted against each other as perpetrator for all of their issues. And I think that begins with working on yourself to some extent to realise your biases and looking past them and seeing the world for what it is (might be preaching to the choir here). I think this is why I have such little patience for the incel message, that all of these guys' issues are a result of society and women and expect to just be handed a meaningful relationship on a platter without taking responsibility for their own downfalls or imperfections. Similarly to how I feel about extreme feminist ideals.
Anita, you are making a change in peoples minds just sharing this. This was very enlightening, I am a man and I have never been in a relationship but I do have unhealthy ways of thinking about women and this gives me a new found level of empathy for women in general. I feel so bad for you Anita and maybe not everyone experiences what you do but if women even suffer a fraction of what you do that's bad. ( I have of course known women deal with creepy shit but hearing personal stories makes it hit harder.)
I haven't really had friendships with women (Was never good at making friends in general.) and I am very backwards but I know ultimately I don't want to hurt people and I want to treat people including women fairly.
13:20 Finally somebody besides me noticed how astonishing her English is. I always had a soft spot for those rare people who can make a two-sentence tale out of a simple everyday story and she is one of them.
I actually had a conversation with a romantic partner of mine after watching this and apologized for any potential "Love Bombing" I may have done in the past. Thanks for opening my eyes to this flaw. Keep inspiring.
This is a years worth of talking in 2 hours! Like Anita is so good at understanding and responding authentically and Dr K is so good at seeing the subtle things and displaying them clearly for the other person to proccess. Like wow. Now that is inspirational from both sides and the fact that even after a bit of anger they were able to see eachothers points was beautiful. If either of you are reading this I really appreciate what you do and I really hope your platforms/careers and or your personal lives go the best they can do and even if they don't I know you'll be able to deal with them effectively anyway. I don't know if you need to hear it or not but just in case here is the comment because you deserve compliments anyway! :)
I haven't been this much invested in a trilogy for a long time. This was amazing.
I feel like I learned a lot new ways to think and hopefully I can apply them to my life. And I have a deep respect for both Dr. K and Anita. This comment will probably be buried quickly but I wish her well on her journey.
Probably the second best trilogy (Lord Of The Rings had a slightly better artwork).
This has been a really thought-provoking conversation.
It is tremendously difficult to be friends with someone you love and admire if you are lonely, but I've found that sticking with that friendship is a great way to become more mature, because that person is a human bring and not an object. Seeing aspects of them that you don't like also humanizes them and is a very sobering experience as well.
Wooow. I am so impressed with Anita’s ability to reflect on herself. She is so damn fast with understanding what dr K is saying and immediately reflecting on how this affects her own life. She understands and almost just as quickly can articulate the consequence of that to her own life or even come up with the counter-point to what dr K is saying. Dr K kinda says the same at 1:16:25. Makes this an absolutely exhilarating conversation to watch.
I think a lot of it is that she's given a *lot* of time and effort into thinking about these issues before now. You're not witnessing someone who's learning fast so much as you're witnessing someone who's *very* well versed in this sort of conversation.
I still found it awesome when Dr. K was able to reach a point of helping her realize that her self esteem was valuable. I respect and admire both of them, lol
I never understand why dr K is so dr K.
Damn, every passing hour I get more respect for him. the calmness and trying to understand is impressive
"I want my friendship to be enough." 🥺 Too relatable. God, it hurts sometimes.
So glad, modern internet allow for such high quality conversations to happen and bring it to us.
I love how she switches into an American accent to imitate dudes hitting on her
Well, she says the democraphic is mainly american guys in IT 😂
This was rough, but in the best ways.. My favorite part was when Dr. K asked her "What are you hearing me say?" And it was just REALLY refreshing hearing her response. I am working through my own trauma, and I can see where Dr. K is coming from, but hearing Anita speak was like... was like hearing my own voice for the very first time. I don't know, it's just SO SO freeing and with SO SO much clarity now.
I feel like pretty soon we're going to be seeing "Dr. K Peels a Potato with His Mind" in our recommended and it's not going to be clickbait
dr k unpeels a twitch streamer but this one is real
lolz, thank you
This was my favourite one yet! This kind of episode is exactly why people need to stfu about him interviewing the twitch ‘celebrities’. Hopefully from this you’ve learnt they are people too.
WTF! the whole admiration/attraction kinda makes sense to me. like for real.
Calling out "wrong" behavior in people in a 1on1 conversation is not a proof of disrespect but of respect. one wouldn't do it if one would care about the other.
Her narration is so well. It is fast, consistent and to the point. Brilliant
Being surrounded by people who are just interested in you for superficial reasons is a strange form of loneliness, didn't imagine I would relate so much to this girl. Maybe I do have hot girl problems after all lol. Great video as always.
This -> 10:42 That whole speech is the best summary of what it feels like... You are not alone Anita, we are not as alone as we think.
As a female streamer going back to 2014; I outright avoided a 'cam' for YEARS AND YEARS to avoid being 'hit on' - I didn't start using a cam until the past year; being in glasses now and much older at this point I felt I could finally do it without it becoming too much of a distraction from the actual content itself. I only have gotten a few comments; luckily my streams and videos stay 'on topic' - but thinking back on it; I'm like well- that sucks I missed out all those years streaming the content how I wanted to; but couldn't bring myself to do it
When I used to stream I purposely wore big baggy shirts to hide my boobs for this reason. It’s terrible how we can’t be ourselves…
@@mrs.quills7061 you can be yourself if you want, it just comes with consequences. So many streamers think it's just an easy paycheck, and don't realize the consequences of that life. Twitch is one of the worst things the internet brought us in my opinion. It's so unhealthy.
I think this was my favorite session yet because it feels like it was the most direct and progressive from the start. Like no nonsense let’s get down to the point.
I genuinely love the fact that she was able to vent/explode for around 40 minutes even though It was derived from a miss understanding of the direction Dr.K was going or even a self protection mechanism. You won’t believe how many time I have let out all the anger and sorrow and worries within me to a imaginary person. IT just doesn’t feel real!!! Having someone listen to your explosion of thoughts and emotions even if it’s irrelevant to the topic at hand, I can only imagine how freeing it must feel.
dang actually, being in her position I feel like I would also feel my friendship is not good enough for other people, there is a very special sense of friendhood that she is missing because other people selfishness in a way, this one makes me think a lot
Dr K was awesome. Anita has come a long ass way too, had no idea she was that articulate. They were champs here.
Anita incredibly smart. Her ability to go off and start talking about things that just spitting straight facts is amazing. I do feel like this a problem for her in the discussion though. You can see Dr. K visibly frustrated and trying to find a point to stop her from talking. Still a great discussion!
Time stamp
its a shield that makes her safe from realising whats wrong
@0 0 she has some problems and cant figure them out, so since she tried some approaches that didn't work, she refuses to go with open mind for therapy as it is necessary to suffer the possibility of being wrong, so she guards herself with knowledge and mass of words which is supposed to make people feel like she is doomed and that they are unable to grasp her problems.
@@robertwide6592 Exactly^
Yeah, she deflects a ton about things that werent even asked to her in the question and goes on unrealted rants. She has a lot of her own issues to work out regardless of anything happening in society.
Genuinely two extremely lovely people having a deep conversation which really makes you consider your own flaws and life situation. I have admiration for both Dr. K and Anita. Being strong and brave enough to have these conversations for everyone to see and keeping it genuine is amazing.
Anita is such a smart individual. Really love how aware she is of the state of the world and also sad that she has to deal with so much crap in her life.
“…I want my friendship to be enough!” That resonated with me big time.
It's honestly really inspiring to hear Anita talking to authentically. We've all got issues and traumas which we gotten used to ignoring and seeing Anita go from how she was in the first stream to now, with her being so comfortable speaking about issues she didn't attend to in the past streams, gives me hope that others can do the same with their repressed issues.
I also find Dr K's questions quite piercing and they are often echoed by the Dr.K i imagine in my own mind whenever I want to get better myself.
"What are you hearing me say?" is a really great question, and more people should use it more often!
Watching Anita laugh and smile hearing affirmation and understanding from dr k is one of the most wholesome and authentic things ive seen. I hope Anita finds the connection she desires
21:46 when i saw the thumbnail i didnt feel like watching no particular reason, probably just unconscious prejudice. But i decided to watch anyway because you guys taught me to catch that opposing feeling and interpret it as a signal that there is something to be learned. And boy im so grateful for it. Anita's struggle is so relatable i wanna scream. However her struggle is so much more severe than mine and bit with a different twist to it, because im a male. Hope ill grow enough to one day be able to share it with people in a comprehensive manner.
Thank you yall and ill continue watching
This is unrelated to the video but I want to thank dr. k for being here. He has taught me and showed me how to try and solve problems in life and to never give up even when things are stressful. No matter what at the end of the day eventually you'll find a solution.
Thank you Dr. K
Wow!! Thank you for this video!! Thank you for bringing up the altruism role. That's the thing here Dr. K. Women get criticized for taking on extended loving roles. Anita has found a boundary in hers and this is something so powerful women need to here. I completely relate and respect this bright woman. I take care of my mom too. I do tend to get placed in that codependent role. Im flipping dead exhausted from extending myself and trying to heal myself. I can't sleep at night trying to understand why someone who was so warm and loving to me is all of a sudden pushing me away. Just the WHOLE karmic cycles of this. Clinging onto someone who's innate of being in a loving committed relationship with me isn't my fault but it's my responsibility to see this cycle and say this isn't happening again. Just WOW!! I'm saving space for myself, just like Anita. Good job!!! ❤
What a deep discussion, the part about women and self-esteem especially left me speechless, articulated and summarized so perfectly I felt like something woke up in me. Every woman I think truly gets that. Everything's sooooo relatable, struggling with the exact same thing, feeling stranded and alone without good friendships. Life is very difficult when every friendship seems to go nowhere needing to be so wary around men, ironically having no genuinely good buddies to help deal with the sense of despair and burnout doubling down on the burden. I really felt your burnout and anger. Not even remotely as pretty or charismatic as you Anita so I deal with this on a smaller scale but boy, its difficult nonetheless. Hanging out with guys just feels natural even if it quite often ends up problematic, I'm more a tomboy, no siblings, didn't have a good emotional relationship with my mom either so its kinda hard to click with a lot of women in my case. Anyways, I tend to just keep attracting the exact same kind of people. Needing to be much more proactive with friendship is frightening its hard to view yourself as something of value but its the only real solution I think, just filtering out the people you actually like the idea of or know you'd get along with. I hope you find the friends you need in your life
I've dealt with social anxiety my entire life, and still working with it. I think a really easy start to approaching people is to just smile at a stranger. If they smile back, yay, they might be someone you can talk to. If they react poorly, then you've saved yourself time. It IS making snap judgements though, so context is important, but I think it's a helpful start.
The way Dr K handled this is beyond impressive but man Anita is seriously smart and the way she puts across her point is just poetic.
I feel this conversation is incredibly important. I tend to feel that all the progress I've made will ultimately lead me to a point where I'm a perfect version of myself, and I picture that version forming at around 30. I have absolutely no idea how it would feel to be 30 and to have gone through these processes, partly because there are no adults in my life that have made similar strides in the areas that I feel are important like self reflection and emotional processing, and Anita has given me an idea of what that looks like. Thank you for that. Anita said that men don't tend to recognize when they admire women and in my particular situation that is not the case, I do admire her not because of her looks but because she has given me an invaluable picture into how a person that processes the world in a similar way that I do feels about things after having been through those processes. I really feel that this conversation eases an anxiety I didn't know I had and that it gave me an idea of what to expect to feel in that stage of the process that was previously empty in my mind. Really really thank you for this, Anita and dr K both.
30 is the true beginning of your adult life. At least for people in the modern wealthy western world. 30s are much better for me than 20s. Hang in there.
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”
She’s so intelligent and eloquent, it’s impressive
I just found these sessions through Anita shortly after I recently found her channel and this has been very educational for me learning a lot and also understanding myself through these conversations. When they give challenging ideas and concepts and challenge each other throughout this conversation, it also challenges me to think about it and how I understand and perceive it, how it is applied myself, to Anita, to Dr. K, and to society and everything in between. It is an absolute to joy to listen to two very intellectual people talk about big problems but also the most subtlest of cracks, as an observer of it all which some I notice and some I completely missed or didn't even think about 'til it was mentioned. I think this has great topics and points and touches upon a lot of relevant issues, and just a great watch overall.
Gotta say I've never been happier seeing someone angry. Anita has really come a long way here from the first session and it just really made me happy.
This conversation was enlightening. Especially the conflagration of admiration and attraction. Love is such a complicated feeling I have so little experience with, in a way I think this conversation helped me understand a bit about what I feel. Thank you
I have struggled with so many similar issues and have started to feel a so lost and stuck in my early thirties. I too had o become a mother as a child and all I knew for so long was getting up to please everyone else. Ironically forever I actually ENJOYED it. I LOVE making other people happy, it brings me such joy. And I feel the same, I have always treated men and women the same way and then was always told I was flirting, but I truly have no idea how to flirt. I was in only girls schools by high school and didn’t know how to interact with boys, so I just did the same thing I had always done - treated them like people who have fears thoughts and wants that are interesting and I am excited to ask them about themselves and hear about their experiences and either attempt to relate or just let them know I understand. The very first relationship I got into I’ve seen how toxic it has been from the start and at this point I’m so miserable. I am demisexual as well and he is always pressuring me when I don’t want to have sex (most of the time lately)
She has stuff on her walls! These conversations are very helpful.
You’re right, I missed that. Made me smile
This came up on autoplay. Was not expecting to watch/listen-to the whole thing.
2:13:58 later... that was great.
i have tourettes so im pretty hype for this its hard to find help for and a real struggle to live with (mostly physical rather than verbal swearing, verbal noise tics when drunk though )
edit: only 10 mins in but its hitting way too close to home despite not being about tourettes, its fucking awful being terrified to befriend other gamers because it feels like if youre seen as ""quirky"" and even the slightest bit feminine then thirsty people are going to have ulterior motives. i think some male gamers think girls are lucky for being hit on all the time but no its really damaging and isolating. it feels kind of emotionally violating to be forced to be paranoid and avoidant of platonic relationships due to fear of the other person thinking you treating them as equal means you want to fuck or date. it makes you feel worthless, like you have no good qualities other than your body which you have no control over. i developed a phobia of romantic love due to this problem and realised im not into dudes at all in that way lol
@@chillisalad123 shut up
@@chillisalad123 Nah shit, mate. There's no point saying that because it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still worth talking about. It's also a fact of life that you will lose family members close to you but that doesn't mean it's not worth talking about it's impact. Calm with the attitude.
Well said. From my experience it gets better after a few years have passed, but I did spend a part of my 20's navigating gamer groups where bets were made behind my back on who would sleep with me first or having rumors spread about me by people because I told them no. So I really relate to your comment. I hope in time you feel safe enough to venture into new friendships.
Ugh, Anita once again SO right. We are not allowed to love ourselves and it is SO confusing to try to grow and stop being taken advantage of by people by having more self respect, but if I do I’m made to feel like it’s not ok
Dr. K.: "You're a wordsmith"
Anita: "Wha- a- i- i just ra- i doh "
Wow. Absolutely mind blowing. I can relate to this frustration, and the depth of exploration that happened here was so powerful, meaningful, and valuable for me. Thank you both. 🙏
I'm really grateful to have discovered Dr. K's channel. Far too often, I tried to help people by pulling the i-figured-it-out-for-you card. What's more important is to guide them to ask questions about the feelings they are having. It's about them. Not me.
I understand the concept where "Taking Responsibility" can be perceived as"Blame".
"Taking Responsibility" or "Agency" means "Self Empowerment"
"I don't want to feel like my friendship is a consolation prize" WHEW!!!
one of my favourite dr k interviews
This conversation was amazing. Her tics almost disappeared for so long! I really wish I could be a good friend to her haha, I feel I would learn a lot. I relate so much with her can't angery issues. So glad she is being able to get angry and grow this much
00:02 Starting healthy gamer and group coaching program
01:54 Finding growth in shared experiences
06:05 Dealing with unwanted attention and distractions
07:56 Managing unchangeable circumstances with humor
11:15 Struggles with making long-term friends and facing unwanted advances.
13:05 Authenticity in expressing frustrations in relationships
17:04 Struggling to avoid unwanted attention despite changing approach
18:32 Struggling with trust and loneliness due to misinterpretation of friendships
21:46 Taking responsibility for others' personal growth is exhausting and not fulfilling.
23:20 Struggle with seeking self-identity and balancing others' expectations.
26:56 Navigating unwanted romantic advances and setting boundaries.
28:28 Struggling with unwanted attention and boundaries
31:17 Struggling with setting boundaries and challenges in friendships
33:05 Struggling with unchangeable circumstances and patterns
36:47 Discovering self-capabilities and enjoying alone time
38:56 Prioritizing self-love and happiness over filling a void with a relationship.
42:25 Discussing personal experiences with attracting attention and struggling with boundaries.
44:09 Different perspectives in approaching advice
47:42 Struggling with unchangeable circumstances
49:13 Struggling with acceptance and worth in relationships
53:14 Realization of societal craving for youth
54:58 Phenomenon of women attracting men due to feminine energy
58:25 Treating others with unconditional acceptance and authenticity.
1:00:07 Gender roles are socially conditioned
1:03:00 Misunderstanding between male and female friendships
1:04:16 Setting boundaries with friends to avoid misunderstandings.
1:07:57 People become irrational in relationships
1:09:35 Past experiences led to aversion to human connection
1:12:47 Recognizing familiar but painful patterns of behavior.
1:14:43 Avoiding life traps by recognizing risk factors and familiarity.
1:17:53 The tragedy of friends turning into something else
1:19:33 Sweet Anita talks about her experience with demisexuality.
1:22:42 Unintentionally impacting friendships due to personal biases.
1:24:21 Exploring unchangeable circumstances and subtle personal growth challenges.
1:27:18 Balancing between what you want and what might happen
1:28:56 Differentiating between emotionally intimate and new safe friendships.
1:32:04 Challenging societal expectations and boundaries
1:33:29 Struggling with being held responsible for others' actions
1:36:53 Accepting unchangeable circumstances and not taking responsibility for others' behavior.
1:38:30 Accepting yourself and influencing change
1:41:59 Finding a balance between emotional safety and intimacy
1:43:37 Struggle with societal conditioning and finding balance in being authentic.
1:46:57 Anita's admiration for her mother's capabilities and positive impact on her life.
1:48:22 Sweet Anita is amazing despite debilitating illness.
1:51:25 Discussion on the conflation of admiration with attraction
1:53:07 Recognize your admirable qualities
1:56:22 Struggling to accept compliments and have self-esteem
1:58:12 Having faith in others despite societal norms
2:01:33 Building self-esteem by acknowledging and working through unchangeable circumstances.
2:03:36 Building self-esteem by setting boundaries
2:07:22 Understanding the challenges of leaving abusive relationships
2:08:57 Encouragement to handle online negativity and self-judgment
2:12:25 Addressing pressure and respect in conversations
Amazing interview. A very constructive yet honest and emotional talk between two brilliant minds
Dr. K is just so good at what he does. I am constantly astounded by his little comments and theories that are always prolific and perfectly thought out.
Best interview on this channel, and I've seen a lot of them. Thank you both
This was so good! Enlightening and interesting in many ways. Anita also shared something that was very helpful for me, and gave me a breakthrough I guess you could say. So I recently started watching a TV show and found myself really drawn to a specific character. Eventually this turned into a feeling of love for the character. And before listening to this I felt that love and physical attraction for the character. But Anita brought up the fact that men who are attracted to her mother actually aspire to her. They see her personality and qualities and see what they hope they themselves can one day become. But since boys are not taught to look up to and have female role models we confuse this with being in love with that person. So what I started to think about was, what is it that I find so attractive about this character that I love. And also thinking back on what was said during the waifu episode of this show, I realized that I want to be this character, I aspire to her. And that I'm not actually in love with her in a romantic way, but just loving who she is and what I could one day hopefully become. Thank you so much for this Anita and Dr. K!❤ It was such a good episode and especially this was so helpful for me to learn and writing it down also helped me collect my thoughts about it. I will now try to aspire to this character in my life as I move forward instead of long for a relationship with her. Thanks!!
I thought that was a very good point she made, and what you add here is also great.
I think what can make it feel even more confusing is that the feelings of attraction & admiration are not mutually exclusive! For example, it's possible to genuinely be in love with someone, and admire them as a person at the same time.
So how do you know the difference between feeling genuine love & admiration, versus confusing admiration FOR love?
I don't really know. But I suppose the best way to find the answer is to look deeply into your intentions.
Great comment and love your understanding of her story. Having a role model seems like such a stretch of trust these days, I totally get how a character in a show can take that place.
beautiful :)
There’s actually another Dr K video about anime waifu where it is pointed out eventually that the character you feel romantically attracted to in fact has some traits you want to own.
Omg yesss I’m loving Dr k and sweet Anita’s conversations, I always learn something listen to them ✨
This discussion was combative, but in a productive and intellectual way. She's definitely experiencing growing pains and developing an insight of nuance towards herself and others who want things from her.
At the end of it all and despite all the real challenges she lays out Dr. K can recover from being challenged and was rightfully asked to readjust and took a strong stance. The strong stance met her building frustration and at the end of it all an agreement of promise and confidence and faith in a delightful and sharp woman. Truly shining as a beacon of hope that she will make progress even beyond what is now 'impossible'.
1:30:22 my same confusion when Anita suddenly went on this tangent, eventhough in my eyes he wasn't implying that at all. Anyways I did understand a lot of Anita's problems though and wish her all the best.
Yeah. I guess she was sensitive to feeling diagnosed and labeled in therapist terms, and didn't realize that she was the one who brought up 'repetition compulsion' and Dr. K was just agreeing that this could indeed be a contributing factor to explain repeating relationship patterns. She might have previously been told that repetition compulsion was part of what compelled her to be too nice to everyone and that she shouldn't be so nice to everyone, and so conflated that with what Dr. K was saying, which was instead just recognize she could be stuck in a repeating cycle of putting herself in the same relationships because of unconscious biases or selections that she should examine.
@@darlantro Yeah, there's definitely something not right. And her frustration is only on top of that. Especially weird is when DR. K asks her personal question and she immediately starts to talk about society, world, etc. She doesn't really talk about herself. And I don't really think it's her altruism that's manifesting here...
@@LordHerek yeah, it seems like she tends to think more from a sociological perspective vs he from a psychological one, i think they mentioned it a bit
So there's this term "defense mechanism" which might apply here, it's like "reach out for something to protect you".
@@444milk yeah she sounds like me a child of a parent who was a narcissist and extended family of emotional abusers. I see the same stuff not bring able to manage friends romantic relationships and "familial" relationships. But I like her now know that I attract the negativity unconsciously.
I just watched the previous stream shortly before this one and I cheered when Anita got angry. She was so unwilling to be mad on her own behalf last time. She definitely has grown and I admire her dedication to learning about herself.
I’m 29, and after I was around ten, my sensitivity was recognized as a personality trait. I’ve never thought it was a problem after that.
I could go on and on for an hour about why and how I needed to see exactly these 3 interviews with Anita and how, as much as it may seem like an exaggeration, they have impacted me in such a profound way that I believe it will be genuinely life-altering to me, but I think it's unnecessary to detail my personal shit here to get this point across.
However, I do also want add to that that Anita seems to be truly walking on the path to - scratch that, STRUTTING directly towards enlightenment, even if unwittingly, and I have complete and utter faith in her, especially after watching this third session.
And as a final note, I must also say that I commend you immensely, Dr. K, for the genuine self-inspection, humility and listening capability you display when handling criticism and hurt. While I know this is part of your job, it is still a rare sight to see and deserves appreciation.
this was 2 hours and i could not stop listening jesus christ I love both of these humans and im so proud of them both
they're both so strong it baffles me and impresses me so much. Im popping off as if this was esports or something 😭😭😭
K's smile while Anita was ranting and actually being angry for once haha love seeing that growth
Didn't catch the first hour or so on stream :). I like talks with Anita! Even though it gets pretty intense here. I hope Anita finds a way to cope with this way people are treating her.
as she sits in her SIMP hat... she attacks others...
@@danielgriffith8911 ? what do you mean by 'attacks'?
@@bronzeowl9 I stopped watching because her content became "simp bashing". Blame Terrence, but she controls the content through editing. She attracts dark people because she has a mean streak they can relate to.
@@bronzeowl9 blames. Not that the people who hurt her aren't to blame but she has to accept that she has some measure of control over her life.
I just binged all the interviews with Anita and they are honestly so moving. This one is hard to watch but its a really important part of the process. Part of Dr. K's job is to help people dig into things they're defensive about and this was such a resounding success in that by the end. I think the way Anita talks at the end about the pressure of doing this live with twitch chat going the whole time and not meaning to take it out on him showed remarkable strength, and just, wow. Massive respect to both of them.
This is easily one of the very best interviews so far
"I have faith in the person who has brought you this far"
damn... I watch Healthy Gamer to sort of resolve my problems and I also thought before that it was the other people who made me get out of depression.
But what I did not see is the fact that they just pushed the boat but I am the one rowing it. Dr. K. emphasized that I ought to have more faith in my self and I have really done a lot to improve my situation more than I realize.
P.S. that first person third person analogy was pretty dope. Imma use that. The siren song was also bad ass.
A guy I went to high school with made my life hell because he couldn’t understand what no meant. Every single day he would corner me (made me feel extremely uncomfortable) and ask me to date him/go to his house after school. At some point asking turned to demanding me to date him and he would creat these fantasy’s in his head of all the things we would do together... I lost count of how many times I said no and made it perfectly clear I wasn’t interested, but he saw it as a challenge and it only stop when we graduated and I got the fuck away from that town.
And more recently a guy I was actually friends with and worked with did the same thing. No matter how many times I said no or for him to stop he just wouldn’t. It got to the point of me avoiding him and this went on for 2 years until I quite a job I loved 9 months ago because he wouldn’t leave me alone.
I’ve lost a number of friends to the same thing but those 2 were the worst ones.
So yeah she’s definitely not alone with this problem.
Damm...it really feels bad to hear this. I'd say try making more girl-friends or already committed guy-friends. I hope this sort of works.
It reminds me of people who are bullied. It's not their fault per se but there are ways to navigate it a bit better. One way is to just be really really really boring and tedious when they try and engage. If you're too blunt they see it as like a challenge to win your affection, be nice and they think it's a green light. However a convo like this will have them looking for the door 'hey you didn't respond to my text last night?' 'Hey... Yeah... I was going to be then I was having some issues with my straighteners, one of the plates doesn't get hot enough so it doesn't really do my hair properly, I find that one side is always a bit more wavey than the over, I read is cosmo this is a common issue amongst hair stylists in LA, and when they do fashion shows they will have backup pairs for this very issue. I've even read it might be something to do with the modal number' etc. and just keep talking and talking preferably in bored sounding monotone voice. That way they won't lose face ether, they will just think they've gone off you.
Holy cow, Anita is so insanely smart. Hearing her put all of these abstract things into words is blowing my mind. She's giving this whole new perspective that I've never seen or heard and it's so impressive. I'm rethinking everything I've ever thought and did and how it may have affected people or will affect people in the future. I'm so glad I watched this video
A program I am in really helped me draw a distinction between fault/blame and responsibility. There are plenty of things that have happened in my life that are NOT my fault, but NOTHING that is not my responsibility. The key practical difference for me is in the idea that fault and blame have to do with judgment, assigning a good/bad or right/wrong designation, or deciding who should be punished... it's punitive. Responsibility, however, creates new possibilities for action. I think this could be a really valuable distinction for whom there is a risk and perception of victim blaming. In a question of judgment and who was right or wrong in the situations Anita was describing, she is 100% NOT at fault or to blame for the abhorrent actions and behaviors of the assholes who have assaulted her, tried to long game her, quid pro quo her etc... That shit is ALL on them! However she can decide to take 100% responsibility for the patterns of her life and in doing so create the possibility of creating something new.
That was honestly such an interesting and amazing watch, Anita is nothing short of an amazing person and I really hope things are going better for them since this.
two of the most intelligent and mature streamer on twitch
1:54:52 This whole part where Anita articulates the difficulties in seeing positives in herself really opened my eyes. The bit about the statue of a woman with and without a mirror in particular was such a good way of expressing the ridiculousness of the way women are shamed for having self-esteem. So glad I watched this whole video. I really got a lot out of this excellent conversation.
Anita being the secret hidden raid boss