00:30 What causes an avoidant? 02:03 Why is an avoidant so avoidant? 02:49 What makes the avoidant feel alive? 04:20 How to save a relationship with a love avoidant 05:30 What to do if you stay with a love avoidant
Everything you said is true. Even when they open up and you reward them for it they will close off again because at the end of the day they feel unsafe no matter how supportive you are.
I am an avoidant and have completely damaged my marriage. 10 years of my wife telling me I need to get help and now that the marriage is beyond repair, I am finally getting the help I need. I feel said for those in relationships with avoidants are they deserve for their love to be reciprocated. But to any other avoidants, you deserve to be Here. You are worthy of being a Human. But you have to do the work to be a better person. Sometimes I am critical of myself for now addressing my issues earlier in my life but better late than never. I hope to help those struggling with being an avoidant.
I wondered how much it takes for an avoidant to hit rock bottom. And often it is this much, which is scary and nobody with common sense will bet on it.
This is all completely true. When you have kids, it's harder to run away. I almost did it. The way that I make this kind of work is treat them just like I am treated, and keep intimacy to a minimum, I know its sucks but if you treat then in a loving and caring way they will close up and treat you in a bad way, they even go as far as to flirt with others in front of you. I can't say it's worth the effort to stay with an avoidant if they are very distant. Like Mr. Weiss says, you will only get scraps of intimacy, that's very true. If you are not yet married, be very careful because the dating pool is full of avoidants, because they get recycled a lot. Another thing is that they don't get better with time, they just stay the same. That's my very long experience.
This sounds lonely and painful, and a glimpse of what I had with my ex boyfriend. The flirting with others in front of me happened in restaurants bars, it was subtle but I felt the disrespect. And argued afterwards. But that's what he would do to signify that he was not committed to me, and to release the pressure he felt. I was so in love with this guy, although sexually it wasn't "making love" and lacked affection. He was so reticent of showing his feelings. The main problem was that he was enmeshed and confided in his overbearing mother.
@@MissSarahGM Mine was SO unaffectionate!!! Once I tried to simply give him a hug...his entire body stiffened and he stepped back away from me a little!!! Honestly, I was too shocked to say a word but it was then that I knew something was wrong with him!
@@MissSarahGM Same with my female FA ex. She was always trying to gain the approval of her mum by doing nice things for her. Pleasing others as well. Yet as a partner i received nothing. Its mind boggling how they stay stuck to the person (parent) who actually caused their emotional neglect. Generational trauma.
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 when mine was down i also tried giving her a hug. Unresponsive. She was missing like the emotional attunement to respond to comforting gestures. It tells me that their parents never comforted them when they're in distress.
I’m in a different situation, which makes it possible for me to fairly easily accept his avoidance. We are in our eighties, met in a bereavement group, and he is kind, helpful and generous. Also physically attractive. We enjoy lovemaking. When I need to express my feelings, I make it about ME. And no emotional tone! Calm, matter-of-fact. He might get disrespectful, knee-jerk response. I remain CALM and say it’s not about him. He will calm down. Also, I say straight-forwardly, “You are loved.” Like it’s just a given. 3 years and working!😊
The most realistic talk about Avoidants in relationships. I've come to this sad understanding with a 6 year marriage that had now come to an end. You have said the truth and spoken plainly.
Our love cannot make them better. THEY must do the work. They destroy us. The only thing to do is save ourselves! Do our own work and become healthy and secure so that we will never tolerate this crap again. Love and light ❤
I love an emotional avoidant. She is one of the few who is actually in therapy but there’s a feeling of walking on egg shells with her and she only gives you the emotional intimacy you want when you leave. And she frustrates me to no end and her defense mechanisms, the consequences of them upset me. How she chooses to see me and treat me to not have to deal with uncomfortable feelings. If she wouldn’t get help at all it would be easier, because I could just walk away. But now I’m in a place where I just now have a real understanding of things, which your video helped with, and I’m weighing the options.
I am the avoidant. I now see what I'm doing to have a big part in destroying my relationship. I grew up taking care of all my 5 younger siblings and didnt have a childhood/teenage years of my own. I told myself I would never have kids of my own because of so much responsibility placed on me with parents that abandoned me (my dad with a different marriage and my mom not physically and mentally there.) I had 3, my first at the age of 18 and he was born at 23 weeks. I also took pride in myself in saying that I was an empath and now watching Kenny's videos and buying all the books, I realized that wasn't a good thing lol but I now am starting help. I see I've got a very long way to go but I guess might as well start now then live my life out to my detriment. Thank you Kenny! I'm sooooo happy and grateful i stumbled upon your videos. Now I'm addicted 😂
Your videos are excellent. My friend is 60 yrs old. Never married, no children. His parents, especially his mother, was very smothering, wouldn't allow him to grow up and make his own decisions. They were not close and she was not affectionate. Not mean, but smothering, stoic. She died recently and he is finally free. I wonder if this will change him, affect him for the better now that he has complete freedom. He has numerous superficial relationships, friendships. He has many good qualities and can be very loving. It's quite sad.
Thank you so much for your clear explanations….you are so right and it is so sad for me to find the answers that i felt already somewhere but was not sure if they were true or only in my head. I am with a love-avoidant for 27 years now and I never stopped trying to get him open up. Now I have to decide if I stay and make my own life as if he would just be a practical accessory or if with 59 I decide to live alone….a picture that’s freaking me absolutely. I am happy to have found your videos, they really bring me important answers.
I love the way you make everything make sense. I’m so thankful that I found your videos and I’m thankful that you’re doing this work to help people understand!
What a very kind thing to say. Thank you so much. I’m really happy that they help you and you feel like you walk away with answers that makes sense to you
Ohhh no, I met one for the first time in my 7 yrs of dating 😢😢😢😢it hurts n triggers my anxiety. Thank you for giving me the information to make a decision once n 4 all
Please don’t be in a relationship with these types of people. You will give give and give more and you won’t get anything in return. It’ll depress you and drop your self esteem. Unless they work on themselves (which they rarely do) it’ll leave you feeling empty and resentful. Don’t do it to yourself pleasee 😢
Absolutely true..... It's hear breaking but you if they don't want to change how do you expect to fix them? Waste of time, we live only once. Get attached with somebody who will appreciate your love and feelings.
100% correct, I was projecting in believing that I can save them but you can't. If someone doesn't want to give you a chance, you'll never be good enough or anyone else without therapy.
I've found that attachment is on a spectrum. There is a difference between an unaware, extremely avoidant person vs. someone who is aware and does some work. I've found that I'm a disorganized attached person, and I'm engaged to an avoidant partner. What really works is that I enjoy my own space often times, too. My partner is self-aware, and we were able to do some therapy sessions together to talk through some things. We've definitely had tough times, but I have no doubt he's committed and loves me. Most of our morals and ideals align as well. He experienced physical abandonment by both parents. So, his avoidance is more rooted in fear of rejection and abandonment vs. enmeshment or fear of intimacy.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I'm the only sibling who pursued recovery, therapy, etc. I find my siblings to be like this, with each other and their partners. Very helpful. Thank you.
I might be that rare weird one. Love avoidant who always goes after emotionally distant mates to protect myself but I’ve found an equally rare man who seems to want to get closer. I’m terrified but I want this to improve. I even have stories I’ve invented to make people think I’m sharing and being intimate when I know dang well they are lies. Keeps me safe. And I have told this person that I have lies. Which was very scary.
Your message is accurate and.....I'm loving all the purple 💜 the saddest thing is when a person is both love avoidant AND love addicted, a constant push and pull, yikes!
Wow, am I ever glad you got help and are the clear, no nonsense man you are. This is wonderful. I both see myself a bit here and primarily the man I am interested in. Thank you for this excellent dose of reality. It makes me feel compassion for him and myself.
I love how direct and to the point you are. Thank you for explaining this so well. I appreciate that you teach what to do if you are in a relationship with an avoidant. If you have more on this or could make a longer video about the avoidant , for those of us who need great deal of information, i would appreciate it. Question… do love avoidant people tend to lack expressing empathy? Thank you 🙏🏻
You're welcome. I do have more of these topics in pre-production. 😁 Yes, in many cases they do struggle with empathy because to be empathetic would require intimacy and they are afraid of that.
Thank you. After years of being alone, after divorce, I met a woman last year and we get on really well; she's funny and joyful with lots of shared interests but... after six-months, as I start open up to her - tell her how happy she makes me feel, all of a sudden she has a course to do for work, has prior engagements at weekends, an elderly cat, anxiety etc. We are now down to exchanging emails. Your video isn't a perfect description of her (humans are almost infinitely variable) but it's uncomfortably close. However, she does see a Counsellor, so who knows but it is sad.
I am in a relationship with an avoidant, but she has and is seeking therapy but it’s still very difficult. Do you still pull back like you recommend and make them come to you like you’ve talked about this video or with them going to therapy and being such a unique individual, do you treat it differently.?
@@joelowell3722 Hi Joe, personally, I'm afraid that she sank the relationship; in all fairness she just beat me to the draw. It is sad but they are her problems t sort out. Good luck with your relationship.
I'm doing what you said, and now I'm finally getting my needs a wants meet. I have time to paint, go on walks alone, and develop a close relationship with my boys. He seems content with himself. Thank you. I can go for year's doing this. I used to think i needed to put him first. The huge load is finally off my back. I feel relieved. Thank you for sharing that information, i needed to hear the truth.
Thank you for your spot on analysis of the love avoidant narcisist i'm with. Basically just passing roommates and I'm at the point of waying the positives to the many negatives of even being roommates in our senior years. Twenty years of NOTHING = NOTHING. We're not even friends. You've clarified alot of things that have become very apparent to me. Do I really want to finish out my life in this way? Its sad.
Great Video Kenny. Thank you for bringing an understanding that will bring empowerment to those who fight to breathe life into a relationship with these people. I think we need to put ourselves first, let go and find something better suited. Again, thank you for putting this out
Because their subconscious fear that they are not aware of is being abandoned. Yet, they set up and recreate there own abandonment because we don't teach how this works or what is really happening
Because they want normalcy. They desire and deserve love. They just don't know how it work's. There's people who are suffering from being sexually assaulted, they want a relationship but aren't able to be in the relationship out of fear, being told repeatedly you must be good and be an example for siblings, and yes you were in charge of them so you didn't have a childhood. They want to be loved and don't know how.
@jerry for the same reason as you: attraction and love; it's just that their subconscious starts going crazy with all the alarms going off, red lights flashing and announcements that they're about to experience pain as if dying, and the only way to survive is by retreating immediately. Their rational mind is probably left thinking was that necessary? whilst the subconscious turns off the noise giving them some peace.
To be known (avoiding to be known reasons) In childhood when we were known(discovered) Did we become scapegoats who took the blame for siblings fearing punishment would be worse for a sibling Did we become the golden child who could never make a mistake Did we become the perfectionist walking on eggshells Confronting in the relationship wow 👌 it does requires to be intimate and connection with self to be open to listen to other/s It is about willing to accept my needs may never be met To Meet my own needs & my own wants myself. If other avoiding maybe a part of me may Settle for scraps. Treat myself in the best 👌 way possible and not expect this validation approval 👌 this acknowledgment That is truly something I can work on. While I enjoy my journey to success 🙌 I enjoy your writing your quotes & your videos Thank you Kenny 😁 with kinds regards appreciation & 💞Love God bless 🙌 Although we never met in person I feel like 👍 👌 you get it and this gives me encouragement to be inspired This feelings Wheel method is creating a story line for my own emotions that helps regulate my values (my own kaos) I own it all 😁 Spring 🌱 is here 🙌 yay!
I wanted to give a little hope to those dating a love avoidant. I am a love avoidant, and I am seeking help. Although it is, Kenny wisely says,it’s very rare, but we do exist :-)
Thank you Kenny you were very talented explaining attachment theory. I wonder if you could do a video talking directly to an avoidant and pointing out how they can recognize it in themselves. And what steps they might take to begin to heal. My (ex)partner, a wonderful man, suffered emotional and sexual abuse as a child and is textbook fearful avoidant who uses work as his addiction. It would be wonderful to be able to provide him with some of your knowledge, But have it as almost a discussion between the two of you so that he could have self recognition. The video above with only make him feel defensive as it’s talking “about” avoidants as hopeless individuals. Thanks.
Why do you need to hold the mirror for your ex? Love avoidants are people who had to sacrifice a lot for the kind of "love" others gave to them. They don't want this fucking thing called love! Cause it's a pain. If you show such a video to your ex he will only get sad and thankful that you're just an ex who cannot see how hurtful she is.
I guess I'm a recovering love avoidant.. I've let go of the side of me that wants to control orhers; I no longer feel unsafe in those moments so I definitely know I've healed some stuff. My mom used to say "you've lost my love for the day " since I was young. Intimacy is really strange to experience with anyone but my kids. My kids really did some amazing healing they probably won't understand they did for me
Wow I needed that talk. Currently dealing with an LA. Feeling encouraged to chase, she texting night and day but won't take it any further. Im getting exhausted and confused. This gave me the knowledge on what to do next.
I’ve pulled back from my husband, an avoidant and I’ve felt cold and distant. I hate that feeling! We’ve been married 2 years and I’ve felt for about a year it’s over. He won’t talk and open up. Intimacy is gone. I hate to give up but don’t think I’ll ever be happy in this relationship.
I cried so hard watching this. My partner is an avoidant. Despite this I've always felt we have a pretty good relationship. He is often more than willing to communicate, even about this stuff, but only to a certain point. Then he feels overwhelmed. He is currently depressed because he feels trapped. But he does tell me (when I ask) does say he loves me. And we do have fun, often. I've also realised through your videos that I'm codependent. Yet I have some avoidant tendencies, but they are likely a response to rejection. This morning, instead of waking and getting him a coffee or seeking him out I did what he does, I didn't make him coffee, I didn't seek him out. Just before he left for work he sought me out for a hug, and hugged me longer than usual. Although I appreciated that, inside I felt empty, I felt like I was being cruel. I am doing everything I can to heal from my own trauma. And I'm terrified that that journey will take me away from him. I have seen him cry once when I wanted to end the relationship after he went on a huge bender a couple of years ago. So of course, I stayed. And to his credit for almost 2 years he cut back his drinking, but earlier this year I was raped and I went into a spiral for a few months, he was supportive at first but then began to distance himself from me and my emotional distress. Then as I recovered, he became depressed. He is a really wonderful guy in so so many ways. But the emotional avoidance is killing me. And it's hard for me to know what's my trauma and what's his, so I often feel confused. I am growing and healing myself for sure, a long way to go. I was hopeful there was a way for him to heal, but this video made me see its impossible, or nearly impossible. Currently he has asked me to give him space and he didn't know how long he needs it. I don't want to leave him, but what I don't want more is to not deal with my own trauma and to settle for scraps. 😓
I can't believe I wrote this only a month ago. Almost immediately after this my boyfriend came to me and said he had been having counselling for two weeks and was still going. He said he didn't want to be avoidant anymore because it caused both of us pain. He has also stopped drinking as he recognised that was part of his avoidance. We have agreed to keep serious conversations to a 30 minute window also. Things have drastically changed for both of us. I'm doing more things on my own and not necessarily working around his schedule anymore. And because of kennys emotional mastery courses I no longer feel rejected when he needs some space or is just working on his music. Anyone reading this if you haven't tried his courses I can't recommend them highly enough. Kenny has changed my relationship for the better. I know it's one in a million avoidants that are willing to change but I am so grateful I have that one in a million. But even if he didn't, the changes I have in me are amazing. I can't say I'm no longer codependent totally but it doesn't control me anymore and I feel calmer and happier as a result. I used to do so much for everyone else and guess what, the world didn't fall apart when I stopped. I still do for others, but never at the expense of myself anymore. Thank you kenny
I'm sorry for what happened to you, I can't even begin to imagine the pain. You want to run to him but it's like running into a wall oftentimes. On top of your violation 🥺 I'm married to an avoidant husband it's the most excruciating pain. His avoidance is a never growing hungry pit. It's not for a lack of love, I have to move on, I feel I'm becoming emptier everyday. I wish you the best of luck.
@@GhislaineMutombo my x did this right after marriage, learned it was a power and control game to make me insecure, and it did! Because I became ill and isolated soon after, at least on that hell, I could clearly see the game. Because there were no, zero transition homes, zero safe beds open, had to live in my car til I recovered enough to find work. Just lucky and determined for freedom. If you know someone like I was, reach out and help in any way. 🫂🇺🇲
Here I am again another year on. My partner only did counseling for a month. It became too hard. Then the drinking started back up again. It got really really bad and before Xmas I ended the relationship. I almost moved out. But once again we worked it out somewhat. I'm now working away from home 3-4 nights a week. He has gone back to counseling, I told him he had to go back for himself, not for the relationship. It's slow going. He told me he doesn't want to be avoidant, he doesn't want to be an alcoholic. I now realize it's going to be a long road. He does give me intimacy at times but mostly he's still withdrawn and avoidant but loves a kiss and cuddle. Our sex life is in the toilet. We've only been physically intimate once in the past two months. He told me when I left him he felt nothing. It's so tough loving an avoidant. I still have hope though. He's a few weeks into his counseling so I hope it ends up helping him. I'll check back in a few months.
I've recently been watching you with another account. I am certain I'm with a love avoidant. And I can become abusive with my words because I desperately try to engage him in honest, authentic, meaningful relationship. He will come to counseling but he has left the room, shut down, crossed his arms and withdrew during therapy. I can't get him to open up. It's been over 5 years. I'm not a victim. I gave myself away. Nothing to do to fix this? Sad.
@@kennyweiss Thank you! I just got her book on codependent. I’ll check out the others. Also I signed up for your emotional master class. A healing journey of a thousand starts with one step. I’m stepping🥰👍🏾🌺
Hi Kenny, thank you for that sobering lesson. This was my ex boyfriend. He dumped me and then kept bread crumbing me for a year. Is it an even worse prognosis when he is still enmeshed with his mother? He said she was very controlling when he was younger, but he confided in her, she is overbearing self-centred, falsely nice woman, too involved and curious. He's 41. And what do you think of telling him about enmeshment and emotional incest as it caused his avoidance? It's so disheartening.
My avoidant has been in therapy for years, no longer blames his x for his part of their failure, and he is working with IFS therapy. Is there hope? We are not married. He just came back after eight months.
Great question. I have just created this new tool where you can type in any question and it pulls from all of my content to give you the solution you are looking for and it gives you direct links to the original source of the content and best of all, it is FREE. Give it a try. ;-) kennyweiss.net/ask-kenny/
I’m hurting. Because he told me first that he was a person who would always be good to me because he understood my truama and then made me feel like an idiot for trusting him. I have trauma bond too. But it’s never been this profound in my inability to walk away. I do care for him. He’s weird and I’m weird and we talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours on end without pause and it’s so intellectually stimulating. I cant take it
I am very affectionate to my children and siblings but in my marriage, I would say I was very avoidant and fearful of sex. Yet during our entire marriage, I have sought help for this and have seen therapists which has never scared me to be open and vulnerable. My marriage broke down last year however. I feel confused after watching this. Am I really an avoidant?
Great question. I would need much more information about your history and many other aspects to really answer that question for you. Not to turn this into a sales pitch but it would require an appointment to really dive deep into all of that and guide you to the best solution
You're welcome. If you like my content, I just created an online magazine which is your one-stop shop to healing. FREE downloads, FREE book reviews, book recommendations, videos, articles… Tags to specific topis so everything is easy to find You name it. It’s basically a Google for everything having to do with healing and personal development If you’re ever looking for a solution to any life problem it’s all on this new magazine site. Here’s the link. I hope you enjoy it and it’s a help to you and if so, maybe you want to subscribe so you never miss out on any of my new content? 😁🕺 www.thegreatnessuniversity.com/
@@kennyweiss obviously I don’t. I struggle with defining my personality and how I have such difficulty relating to people. I guess that’s why I constantly search out different therapies. I’m looking forward to taking your free class. You have presented some really great perspectives that have never been touched on. Thanks
@@donnao8950 I can really relate to what you’re saying and not having a real grasp of who I was. I remember when I first started and I realized I had no idea what I liked and didn’t like? I was completely blank. It was at that moment I realized my whole life those had all been decided for me. That was my job as the child was to become what everyone else needed. It was a devastating realization but it was also the birth of finding myself. Sounds like you might be at that same place? If so I can only share my experience. For me it’s been a wonderful journey to make the choice to learn about all of that. Staying stuck in purgatory and avoiding it was death for me. I hope you do take my free class, I think it will give you some safety and some solutions.
@@kennyweiss well, as C.S. Lewis said “ you can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.” I WILL have my happy ending no matter what form it takes on. So far, I am moving in a positive direction.
I had dealt with it with my x husband being that way. I did get out of it got a divorce. I gone to celebrate recovery that helped me. Also had a friend take me to a Christian church. God has changed me and still is. I read the Bible everyday and pray everyday. I have gone to groups at church also. I been a Christian for over ten years. It's the best thing I ever did was let Jesus into my life. Jesus chosen me . Hope this helps someone else.
Dammit, this is me. "Got to go. Have some new hobby, something to fix, something to make." However, the rest does not apply. I do communicate. I am sensitive. I do care. But recently learned, I will not rescue you from yourself. No longer am I God who must save the world. You be you. I'll be me.
So help here. I am in relationship with a man with high narcissistic traits. I don’t identify as empath, but suffered emotional neglect (and religious upbringing so add in lots of guilt/shame). I learned to exist in relationship by doing grey rock, and distancing. I am now being accused of being love avoidant. So, how do love avoidant and unempowered codependent look alike? Or is this just my low self esteem thinking I could be love avoidant (3 years therapy now and 100s of books read and 1000s of videos watched to learn)
I liked your longer presentations or analysis. I came away with an understanding from the anecdotal stories that painted pictures. Now the comments are very minimal, crumbs, with no meat, a. whitewash, of the real person. Not intending to be mean here.
Thank you for the kind words and yes, you are right, many times my comments are minimal. I do the best I can with the time that I have and try to acknowledge people. Unfortunately, with my schedule, I just don’t have the time to respond to each and every comment in the deep, thoughtful manner they deserve. If I were to do that, between all my social media platforms, it would consume 20 hours a day. I wish I had more time available.
Is a love avoidant or codependent as dangerous to leave as a narcissist? Do they hurl insults? How should you leave to ensure your best state of safety and well being?
In general no they’re not but They can still be hurtful and insulting. When leaving any relationship it’s always smart to have a plan if you feel that the person you are with poses any type of danger
00:30 What causes an avoidant?
02:03 Why is an avoidant so avoidant?
02:49 What makes the avoidant feel alive?
04:20 How to save a relationship with a love avoidant
05:30 What to do if you stay with a love avoidant
I suppose this is irrelevant but I have a question -- don't these types realize something is wrong with them????
Everything you said is true. Even when they open up and you reward them for it they will close off again because at the end of the day they feel unsafe no matter how supportive you are.
I am an avoidant and have completely damaged my marriage. 10 years of my wife telling me I need to get help and now that the marriage is beyond repair, I am finally getting the help I need. I feel said for those in relationships with avoidants are they deserve for their love to be reciprocated. But to any other avoidants, you deserve to be Here. You are worthy of being a Human. But you have to do the work to be a better person. Sometimes I am critical of myself for now addressing my issues earlier in my life but better late than never. I hope to help those struggling with being an avoidant.
Awareness is 50% of the battle won already
I wondered how much it takes for an avoidant to hit rock bottom. And often it is this much, which is scary and nobody with common sense will bet on it.
This is all completely true. When you have kids, it's harder to run away. I almost did it. The way that I make this kind of work is treat them just like I am treated, and keep intimacy to a minimum, I know its sucks but if you treat then in a loving and caring way they will close up and treat you in a bad way, they even go as far as to flirt with others in front of you. I can't say it's worth the effort to stay with an avoidant if they are very distant. Like Mr. Weiss says, you will only get scraps of intimacy, that's very true. If you are not yet married, be very careful because the dating pool is full of avoidants, because they get recycled a lot. Another thing is that they don't get better with time, they just stay the same. That's my very long experience.
A partner flirting with someone else in front of you is manipulation and it's not healthy.
This sounds lonely and painful, and a glimpse of what I had with my ex boyfriend. The flirting with others in front of me happened in restaurants bars, it was subtle but I felt the disrespect. And argued afterwards. But that's what he would do to signify that he was not committed to me, and to release the pressure he felt. I was so in love with this guy, although sexually it wasn't "making love" and lacked affection. He was so reticent of showing his feelings. The main problem was that he was enmeshed and confided in his overbearing mother.
@@MissSarahGM Mine was SO unaffectionate!!! Once I tried to simply give him a hug...his entire body stiffened and he stepped back away from me a little!!! Honestly, I was too shocked to say a word but it was then that I knew something was wrong with him!
@@MissSarahGM Same with my female FA ex. She was always trying to gain the approval of her mum by doing nice things for her. Pleasing others as well. Yet as a partner i received nothing. Its mind boggling how they stay stuck to the person (parent) who actually caused their emotional neglect. Generational trauma.
@@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529 when mine was down i also tried giving her a hug. Unresponsive. She was missing like the emotional attunement to respond to comforting gestures. It tells me that their parents never comforted them when they're in distress.
I’m in a different situation, which makes it possible for me to fairly easily accept his avoidance. We are in our eighties, met in a bereavement group, and he is kind, helpful and generous. Also physically attractive. We enjoy lovemaking. When I need to express my feelings, I make it about ME. And no emotional tone! Calm, matter-of-fact. He might get disrespectful, knee-jerk response. I remain CALM and say it’s not about him. He will calm down. Also, I say straight-forwardly, “You are loved.” Like it’s just a given. 3 years and working!😊
Sir, I think what you said at the end of the video "that you have to feel like you're not in the relationship" for them to come near you is so true.
I agree.
The most realistic talk about Avoidants in relationships. I've come to this sad understanding with a 6 year marriage that had now come to an end. You have said the truth and spoken plainly.
Our love cannot make them better. THEY must do the work. They destroy us. The only thing to do is save ourselves! Do our own work and become healthy and secure so that we will never tolerate this crap again. Love and light ❤
❤
I love an emotional avoidant. She is one of the few who is actually in therapy but there’s a feeling of walking on egg shells with her and she only gives you the emotional intimacy you want when you leave. And she frustrates me to no end and her defense mechanisms, the consequences of them upset me. How she chooses to see me and treat me to not have to deal with uncomfortable feelings. If she wouldn’t get help at all it would be easier, because I could just walk away. But now I’m in a place where I just now have a real understanding of things, which your video helped with, and I’m weighing the options.
I am the avoidant. I now see what I'm doing to have a big part in destroying my relationship. I grew up taking care of all my 5 younger siblings and didnt have a childhood/teenage years of my own. I told myself I would never have kids of my own because of so much responsibility placed on me with parents that abandoned me (my dad with a different marriage and my mom not physically and mentally there.) I had 3, my first at the age of 18 and he was born at 23 weeks. I also took pride in myself in saying that I was an empath and now watching Kenny's videos and buying all the books, I realized that wasn't a good thing lol but I now am starting help. I see I've got a very long way to go but I guess might as well start now then live my life out to my detriment. Thank you Kenny! I'm sooooo happy and grateful i stumbled upon your videos. Now I'm addicted 😂
Your videos are excellent. My friend is 60 yrs old. Never married, no children. His parents, especially his mother, was very smothering, wouldn't allow him to grow up and make his own decisions. They were not close and she was not affectionate. Not mean, but smothering, stoic. She died recently and he is finally free. I wonder if this will change him, affect him for the better now that he has complete freedom. He has numerous superficial relationships, friendships. He has many good qualities and can be very loving. It's quite sad.
Thank you so much for your clear explanations….you are so right and it is so sad for me to find the answers that i felt already somewhere but was not sure if they were true or only in my head. I am with a love-avoidant for 27 years now and I never stopped trying to get him open up. Now I have to decide if I stay and make my own life as if he would just be a practical accessory or if with 59 I decide to live alone….a picture that’s freaking me absolutely. I am happy to have found your videos, they really bring me important answers.
Good luck to you. I know how you feel because i feel the same way.
I love the way you make everything make sense. I’m so thankful that I found your videos and I’m thankful that you’re doing this work to help people understand!
What a very kind thing to say. Thank you so much. I’m really happy that they help you and you feel like you walk away with answers that makes sense to you
So I am a love avoidant and am totally aware of it, and this video describes my struggles.
YOUR struggle? Just don't date anyone, stay alone. Stop putting other people in your hell, go get help.
Thank you for your honesty. It's like narcissism or aspergers relationships can rarely be saved too.
Wow, thank you for that brutal truth because I feel like nobody will actually say that tell me the facts and let me make my own decisions
Ohhh no, I met one for the first time in my 7 yrs of dating 😢😢😢😢it hurts n triggers my anxiety. Thank you for giving me the information to make a decision once n 4 all
Please don’t be in a relationship with these types of people. You will give give and give more and you won’t get anything in return. It’ll depress you and drop your self esteem. Unless they work on themselves (which they rarely do) it’ll leave you feeling empty and resentful. Don’t do it to yourself pleasee 😢
Absolutely true..... It's hear breaking but you if they don't want to change how do you expect to fix them? Waste of time, we live only once. Get attached with somebody who will appreciate your love and feelings.
100% correct, I was projecting in believing that I can save them but you can't. If someone doesn't want to give you a chance, you'll never be good enough or anyone else without therapy.
Thanks for the no bullshit - straight to the facts approach! Highly appreciated
Spot on! Wow, so much makes sense now. Thank you for sharing with the world, so helpful.
You are very welcome. Happy that life makes sense now. ;-)
Is love avoidant traits of a narcissist?
I've found that attachment is on a spectrum. There is a difference between an unaware, extremely avoidant person vs. someone who is aware and does some work.
I've found that I'm a disorganized attached person, and I'm engaged to an avoidant partner. What really works is that I enjoy my own space often times, too. My partner is self-aware, and we were able to do some therapy sessions together to talk through some things. We've definitely had tough times, but I have no doubt he's committed and loves me. Most of our morals and ideals align as well. He experienced physical abandonment by both parents. So, his avoidance is more rooted in fear of rejection and abandonment vs. enmeshment or fear of intimacy.
All of this is true I have done it both ways the only way it worked Is when I took Every expectation off him
Thank you for this! I'll keep this in the forefront of my mind and expect nothing. 😊 You rock!
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I'm the only sibling who pursued recovery, therapy, etc. I find my siblings to be like this, with each other and their partners. Very helpful. Thank you.
I might be that rare weird one. Love avoidant who always goes after emotionally distant mates to protect myself but I’ve found an equally rare man who seems to want to get closer. I’m terrified but I want this to improve. I even have stories I’ve invented to make people think I’m sharing and being intimate when I know dang well they are lies. Keeps me safe. And I have told this person that I have lies. Which was very scary.
Your message is accurate and.....I'm loving all the purple 💜 the saddest thing is when a person is both love avoidant AND love addicted, a constant push and pull, yikes!
Yes it’s very confusing
My mouth is dropped open... how accurate.
Wow, am I ever glad you got help and are the clear, no nonsense man you are. This is wonderful. I both see myself a bit here and primarily the man I am interested in. Thank you for this excellent dose of reality. It makes me feel compassion for him and myself.
I love how direct and to the point you are. Thank you for explaining this so well. I appreciate that you teach what to do if you are in a relationship with an avoidant. If you have more on this or could make a longer video about the avoidant , for those of us who need great deal of information, i would appreciate it. Question… do love avoidant people tend to lack expressing empathy? Thank you 🙏🏻
You're welcome. I do have more of these topics in pre-production. 😁
Yes, in many cases they do struggle with empathy because to be empathetic would require intimacy and they are afraid of that.
Thank you. After years of being alone, after divorce, I met a woman last year and we get on really well; she's funny and joyful with lots of shared interests but... after six-months, as I start open up to her - tell her how happy she makes me feel, all of a sudden she has a course to do for work, has prior engagements at weekends, an elderly cat, anxiety etc.
We are now down to exchanging emails. Your video isn't a perfect description of her (humans are almost infinitely variable) but it's uncomfortably close. However, she does see a Counsellor, so who knows but it is sad.
I am in a relationship with an avoidant, but she has and is seeking therapy but it’s still very difficult. Do you still pull back like you recommend and make them come to you like you’ve talked about this video or with them going to therapy and being such a unique individual, do you treat it differently.?
@@joelowell3722 Hi Joe, personally, I'm afraid that she sank the relationship; in all fairness she just beat me to the draw. It is sad but they are her problems t sort out. Good luck with your relationship.
I'm doing what you said, and now I'm finally getting my needs a wants meet. I have time to paint, go on walks alone, and develop a close relationship with my boys. He seems content with himself. Thank you. I can go for year's doing this. I used to think i needed to put him first. The huge load is finally off my back. I feel relieved. Thank you for sharing that information, i needed to hear the truth.
I'm so happy to hear that my advice has been helpful to you 😁
@@kennyweiss thank you I appreciate you
Thank you for your spot on analysis of the love avoidant narcisist i'm with. Basically just passing roommates and I'm at the point of waying the positives to the many negatives of even being roommates in our senior years. Twenty years of NOTHING = NOTHING. We're not even friends. You've clarified alot of things that have become very apparent to me. Do I really want to finish out my life in this way? Its sad.
Great Video Kenny. Thank you for bringing an understanding that will bring empowerment to those who fight to breathe life into a relationship with these people.
I think we need to put ourselves first, let go and find something better suited.
Again, thank you for putting this out
Kenny, why do they enter in a relationship if they are afraid to be known? It's really heart breaking.
Because their subconscious fear that they are not aware of is being abandoned. Yet, they set up and recreate there own abandonment because we don't teach how this works or what is really happening
Because they want normalcy. They desire and deserve love.
They just don't know how it work's. There's people who are suffering from being sexually assaulted, they want a relationship but aren't able to be in the relationship out of fear, being told repeatedly you must be good and be an example for siblings, and yes you were in charge of them so you didn't have a childhood.
They want to be loved and don't know how.
@jerry for the same reason as you: attraction and love; it's just that their subconscious starts going crazy with all the alarms going off, red lights flashing and announcements that they're about to experience pain as if dying, and the only way to survive is by retreating immediately. Their rational mind is probably left thinking was that necessary? whilst the subconscious turns off the noise giving them some peace.
To be known
(avoiding to be known reasons)
In childhood when we were known(discovered)
Did we become scapegoats who took the blame for siblings fearing punishment would be worse for a sibling
Did we become the golden child who could never make a mistake
Did we become the perfectionist walking on eggshells
Confronting in the relationship wow 👌 it does requires to be intimate and connection with self to be open to listen to other/s
It is about willing to accept my needs may never be met
To Meet my own needs & my own wants myself.
If other avoiding maybe a part of me may Settle for scraps.
Treat myself in the best 👌 way possible and not expect this validation approval 👌 this acknowledgment
That is truly something I can work on.
While I enjoy my journey to success 🙌
I enjoy your writing your quotes & your videos
Thank you Kenny 😁 with kinds regards appreciation & 💞Love
God bless 🙌
Although we never met in person I feel like 👍 👌 you get it and this gives me encouragement to be inspired
This feelings Wheel method is creating a story line for my own emotions that helps regulate my values (my own kaos) I own it all 😁
Spring 🌱 is here 🙌 yay!
I wanted to give a little hope to those dating a love avoidant. I am a love avoidant, and I am seeking help. Although it is, Kenny wisely says,it’s very rare, but we do exist :-)
Thank you Kenny you were very talented explaining attachment theory. I wonder if you could do a video talking directly to an avoidant and pointing out how they can recognize it in themselves. And what steps they might take to begin to heal. My (ex)partner, a wonderful man, suffered emotional and sexual abuse as a child and is textbook fearful avoidant who uses work as his addiction. It would be wonderful to be able to provide him with some of your knowledge, But have it as almost a discussion between the two of you so that he could have self recognition. The video above with only make him feel defensive as it’s talking “about” avoidants as hopeless individuals. Thanks.
That’s a great idea I will put it on the list
Why do you need to hold the mirror for your ex? Love avoidants are people who had to sacrifice a lot for the kind of "love" others gave to them. They don't want this fucking thing called love! Cause it's a pain. If you show such a video to your ex he will only get sad and thankful that you're just an ex who cannot see how hurtful she is.
This has helped me immensely. Thank you so much I couldn’t understand
I'm so glad!
I appreciate you for making this video.
You’re welcome 😁
I guess I'm a recovering love avoidant.. I've let go of the side of me that wants to control orhers; I no longer feel unsafe in those moments so I definitely know I've healed some stuff. My mom used to say "you've lost my love for the day " since I was young. Intimacy is really strange to experience with anyone but my kids. My kids really did some amazing healing they probably won't understand they did for me
This is heartbreaking for everybody…..because its true
Absolutely nailed this totally explains a friend of mine
Wow I needed that talk. Currently dealing with an LA. Feeling encouraged to chase, she texting night and day but won't take it any further. Im getting exhausted and confused. This gave me the knowledge on what to do next.
I’ve pulled back from my husband, an avoidant and I’ve felt cold and distant. I hate that feeling! We’ve been married 2 years and I’ve felt for about a year it’s over. He won’t talk and open up. Intimacy is gone. I hate to give up but don’t think I’ll ever be happy in this relationship.
Do what's best for you, like the video says. Let us know how your doing now!
I cried so hard watching this. My partner is an avoidant. Despite this I've always felt we have a pretty good relationship. He is often more than willing to communicate, even about this stuff, but only to a certain point. Then he feels overwhelmed. He is currently depressed because he feels trapped. But he does tell me (when I ask) does say he loves me. And we do have fun, often. I've also realised through your videos that I'm codependent. Yet I have some avoidant tendencies, but they are likely a response to rejection. This morning, instead of waking and getting him a coffee or seeking him out I did what he does, I didn't make him coffee, I didn't seek him out. Just before he left for work he sought me out for a hug, and hugged me longer than usual. Although I appreciated that, inside I felt empty, I felt like I was being cruel. I am doing everything I can to heal from my own trauma. And I'm terrified that that journey will take me away from him. I have seen him cry once when I wanted to end the relationship after he went on a huge bender a couple of years ago. So of course, I stayed. And to his credit for almost 2 years he cut back his drinking, but earlier this year I was raped and I went into a spiral for a few months, he was supportive at first but then began to distance himself from me and my emotional distress. Then as I recovered, he became depressed. He is a really wonderful guy in so so many ways. But the emotional avoidance is killing me. And it's hard for me to know what's my trauma and what's his, so I often feel confused. I am growing and healing myself for sure, a long way to go. I was hopeful there was a way for him to heal, but this video made me see its impossible, or nearly impossible. Currently he has asked me to give him space and he didn't know how long he needs it. I don't want to leave him, but what I don't want more is to not deal with my own trauma and to settle for scraps. 😓
I can't believe I wrote this only a month ago. Almost immediately after this my boyfriend came to me and said he had been having counselling for two weeks and was still going. He said he didn't want to be avoidant anymore because it caused both of us pain. He has also stopped drinking as he recognised that was part of his avoidance. We have agreed to keep serious conversations to a 30 minute window also. Things have drastically changed for both of us. I'm doing more things on my own and not necessarily working around his schedule anymore. And because of kennys emotional mastery courses I no longer feel rejected when he needs some space or is just working on his music. Anyone reading this if you haven't tried his courses I can't recommend them highly enough. Kenny has changed my relationship for the better. I know it's one in a million avoidants that are willing to change but I am so grateful I have that one in a million. But even if he didn't, the changes I have in me are amazing. I can't say I'm no longer codependent totally but it doesn't control me anymore and I feel calmer and happier as a result. I used to do so much for everyone else and guess what, the world didn't fall apart when I stopped. I still do for others, but never at the expense of myself anymore. Thank you kenny
I'm sorry for what happened to you, I can't even begin to imagine the pain. You want to run to him but it's like running into a wall oftentimes. On top of your violation 🥺 I'm married to an avoidant husband it's the most excruciating pain. His avoidance is a never growing hungry pit. It's not for a lack of love, I have to move on, I feel I'm becoming emptier everyday. I wish you the best of luck.
@@GhislaineMutombo my x did this right after marriage, learned it was a power and control game to make me insecure, and it did! Because I became ill and isolated soon after, at least on that hell, I could clearly see the game. Because there were no, zero transition homes, zero safe beds open, had to live in my car til I recovered enough to find work. Just lucky and determined for freedom. If you know someone like I was, reach out and help in any way. 🫂🇺🇲
Here I am again another year on. My partner only did counseling for a month. It became too hard. Then the drinking started back up again. It got really really bad and before Xmas I ended the relationship. I almost moved out. But once again we worked it out somewhat. I'm now working away from home 3-4 nights a week. He has gone back to counseling, I told him he had to go back for himself, not for the relationship. It's slow going. He told me he doesn't want to be avoidant, he doesn't want to be an alcoholic. I now realize it's going to be a long road. He does give me intimacy at times but mostly he's still withdrawn and avoidant but loves a kiss and cuddle. Our sex life is in the toilet. We've only been physically intimate once in the past two months. He told me when I left him he felt nothing. It's so tough loving an avoidant. I still have hope though. He's a few weeks into his counseling so I hope it ends up helping him. I'll check back in a few months.
@@reginageorge72 How's it going now?
It IS heartbreaking.
I've recently been watching you with another account. I am certain I'm with a love avoidant. And I can become abusive with my words because I desperately try to engage him in honest, authentic, meaningful relationship. He will come to counseling but he has left the room, shut down, crossed his arms and withdrew during therapy. I can't get him to open up. It's been over 5 years. I'm not a victim. I gave myself away. Nothing to do to fix this? Sad.
Wow! Thank you! I’ve gotten such insight about someone I’ve been seeing, from this video. Is this one of the attachment styles. 🌺☺️
Well this goes beyond the attachment styles it’s about codependence. If you want to learn more about it pick up Pia Mellody’s facing love addiction
@@kennyweiss Thank you! I just got her book on codependent. I’ll check out the others. Also I signed up for your emotional master class. A healing journey of a thousand starts with one step. I’m stepping🥰👍🏾🌺
@@robinbyrd4430 That’s wonderful. I hope you have picked up my book as well because that will help you along your healing journey significantly
@@kennyweiss I did get your book on audio. Thank you for all you do. Tons of gratitude 🌺☺️
@@robinbyrd4430 you’re welcome
Hi Kenny, thank you for that sobering lesson. This was my ex boyfriend. He dumped me and then kept bread crumbing me for a year. Is it an even worse prognosis when he is still enmeshed with his mother? He said she was very controlling when he was younger, but he confided in her, she is overbearing self-centred, falsely nice woman, too involved and curious. He's 41. And what do you think of telling him about enmeshment and emotional incest as it caused his avoidance? It's so disheartening.
I thought it was a narcissism trait at first (the not caring) but maybe it’s this
Could be. He has a video on the differences in codependency and narcissism. Very enlightening.
I think I have some fearful avoidant tendencies and my ex is definitely a dismissive avoidant.
My avoidant has been in therapy for years, no longer blames his x for his part of their failure, and he is working with IFS therapy. Is there hope? We are not married. He just came back after eight months.
Great question. I have just created this new tool where you can type in any question and it pulls from all of my content to give you the solution you are looking for and it gives you direct links to the original source of the content and best of all, it is FREE. Give it a try. ;-)
kennyweiss.net/ask-kenny/
I’m hurting. Because he told me first that he was a person who would always be good to me because he understood my truama and then made me feel like an idiot for trusting him. I have trauma bond too. But it’s never been this profound in my inability to walk away. I do care for him. He’s weird and I’m weird and we talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours on end without pause and it’s so intellectually stimulating. I cant take it
Why are you not telling people affected by this to RUN RUN RUN ?
I am very affectionate to my children and siblings but in my marriage, I would say I was very avoidant and fearful of sex. Yet during our entire marriage, I have sought help for this and have seen therapists which has never scared me to be open and vulnerable. My marriage broke down last year however. I feel confused after watching this. Am I really an avoidant?
Great question. I would need much more information about your history and many other aspects to really answer that question for you. Not to turn this into a sales pitch but it would require an appointment to really dive deep into all of that and guide you to the best solution
Thank you for replying so promptly. I have just ordered your book. I didn't realise you did sessions one-to-one as well. Thank you
Yeah, you're an avoidant
Very good video and info.
Glad it was helpful!
@@kennyweiss It was!
Thank you
You're welcome. If you like my content, I just created an online magazine which is your one-stop shop to healing.
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Yikes, that’s me! The only relationships I have is with my horses. I bolt every time I am approached by a man. I just don’t want to do the work.
At least you know who you are and what works for you!
@@kennyweiss obviously I don’t. I struggle with defining my personality and how I have such difficulty relating to people. I guess that’s why I constantly search out different therapies. I’m looking forward to taking your free class. You have presented some really great perspectives that have never been touched on. Thanks
@@donnao8950 I can really relate to what you’re saying and not having a real grasp of who I was.
I remember when I first started and I realized I had no idea what I liked and didn’t like? I was completely blank. It was at that moment I realized my whole life those had all been decided for me. That was my job as the child was to become what everyone else needed. It was a devastating realization but it was also the birth of finding myself.
Sounds like you might be at that same place? If so I can only share my experience. For me it’s been a wonderful journey to make the choice to learn about all of that. Staying stuck in purgatory and avoiding it was death for me.
I hope you do take my free class, I think it will give you some safety and some solutions.
@@kennyweiss well, as C.S. Lewis said “ you can’t go back and change the beginning but you can start where you are and change the ending.” I WILL have my happy ending no matter what form it takes on. So far, I am moving in a positive direction.
I'm done!
Can two love avoidant people make it work, neither asks anything of the other?
I had dealt with it with my x husband being that way. I did get out of it got a divorce. I gone to celebrate recovery that helped me. Also had a friend take me to a Christian church. God has changed me and still is. I read the Bible everyday and pray everyday. I have gone to groups at church also. I been a Christian for over ten years. It's the best thing I ever did was let Jesus into my life. Jesus chosen me . Hope this helps someone else.
Amen!!! Jesus can CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!
Dammit, this is me. "Got to go. Have some new hobby, something to fix, something to make." However, the rest does not apply. I do communicate. I am sensitive. I do care. But recently learned, I will not rescue you from yourself. No longer am I God who must save the world. You be you. I'll be me.
So help here. I am in relationship with a man with high narcissistic traits. I don’t identify as empath, but suffered emotional neglect (and religious upbringing so add in lots of guilt/shame). I learned to exist in relationship by doing grey rock, and distancing. I am now being accused of being love avoidant. So, how do love avoidant and unempowered codependent look alike? Or is this just my low self esteem thinking I could be love avoidant (3 years therapy now and 100s of books read and 1000s of videos watched to learn)
I liked your longer presentations or analysis. I came away with an understanding from the anecdotal stories that painted pictures. Now the comments are very minimal, crumbs, with no meat, a. whitewash, of the real person. Not intending to be mean here.
Thank you for the kind words and yes, you are right, many times my comments are minimal. I do the best I can with the time that I have and try to acknowledge people. Unfortunately, with my schedule, I just don’t have the time to respond to each and every comment in the deep, thoughtful manner they deserve. If I were to do that, between all my social media platforms, it would consume 20 hours a day. I wish I had more time available.
@@kennyweiss
I have an avoidant wife too. A second wife is looking more and more attractive now.
Wow!
Your amazing
My current reality… forced to divorce
Is a love avoidant or codependent as dangerous to leave as a narcissist? Do they hurl insults? How should you leave to ensure your best state of safety and well being?
In general no they’re not but They can still be hurtful and insulting. When leaving any relationship it’s always smart to have a plan if you feel that the person you are with poses any type of danger