'Sexplanations' is pretty much the best thing ever and absolute proof that openness, truth, and honesty are indeed the best way forward. Thank YOU Dr. Doe!
If you think sexplanations is the best thing ever then there must be a whole wide world outside your door that you've never seen. If you think honesty is a way for anything . . . well . . . I don't have time. I gotta shower and get to some grifting I gotta do.
Ludix147 especially in today’s culture. With the how prominent Dating apps are. It is difficult to not only convey intentions, but too get a good since of how the person is taking the conversation.
I think it will improve as the culture evolves and we learn to be more honest and compassionate. Like, how often do we actually say what we mean in a considerate way? How often to we ask questions to clarify intent? Yes, it takes courage and good communication, but I think we can all find ways to develop those skills and fill in those gaps (and thereby encouraging other people to feel safe being transparent and upfront).
I am a highly sexual trans woman and often find it hard myself to know where the line is, because I'm so open about sex and sex is very culturally taboo in America it is easy to make other's uncomfortable, especially since some people wrongly think I count as a guy and take it even worse.
Hey +sexplanations do you have a preference for how viewers should reply to trolls? I would love to tell The Absolute Madman that as someone who does theater/film makeup professionally, I know it is a skill. The diffused light makes your face and makeup look different, so there is a learning curve. And on my set, both men and women wear makeup. However, I know that responding with the intent to educate just "feeds the trolls" and pushes the comments to the top of the thread. Should we just ignore these and spend our time/energy on the positive comments, and leave the educating to you? Or should we add our knowledge/expertise to conversation down here?
I know her hair is on point. And her makeup is so good it took me a second to realize that she wasn't just looking really good. I mean she has been glowing anyways due to how happy she has been with some changes in her life.
The Absolute Madman Makeup is a form of expression, much like wearing clothes or styling your hair. Although some makeup products (like concealer or color corrector) are specifically designed to hide blemishes, most makeup products and techniques are actually used to accentuate pre-existing beauty. Eye liner to make the eyes pop, bronzer to frame the face and contour the cheekbones, and highlighter to make the face brighter. She isn’t masking her natural beauty, she’s accentuating it, and doing a damn good job at it, too 💖
What i like about this Channel: You manage to find a precise decription and words for something that is allready understood in a intuitive but kind of fuzzy way. Your explaination clear the view and help to form an even deeper understanding.
This was, for me, one of the most helpful videos you've done Dr Doe :). As a sex educator (both in my day job at an HIV agency and a kink educator on evenings and weekends) it's a regular occurrence for me to be propositioned in a far-less-than-safe or consensual manner. As a big burly male-identified person, I get the mild version, and it's still incredibly challenging at times. Thank you for sharing the language that will help me communicate about this topic too. -Dylan
what's the confusion about "male identified"? People who are read/perceived as male in our society, no matter their actual gender, have many privileges when it comes to autonomy and consent; it's great/reassuring that it's something they feel is important enough to mention.
Snigger Jones I would like to recommend the Sexplanations episode about non binary and transgender people - not everybody one assumes belongs to a certain gender actually does. People often assume my best friend and me to be twins because we look similar and my sister and me to not be related - that's all, assumptions. And they're wrong. Using non-gendered terms gets rid of that assumption =)
That is such a tough issue to address, and yet you tackled it head on so well! It gives me hope that one day we can get great sexual education to everyone
I think this is one of the most honest and nuanced discussions of a complicated topic that I’ve seen on RUclips. If only we could talk about politics in a similar way...
Now I hope understand the ground rules about being able to hit on you. I honestly think you are one of the sexiest women I have ever seen. Let me explain my terminology of the word sexy. It doesn't necessarily have to even be about sex. It's a mental state as well as a physical state.its about the total package. A woman's demeanor and attitude is just as important if not more than her looks. But the confidence that a woman has in herself, her looks and her body is also sexy. Being sexy is a turn on but not necessarily about sex. It's an attraction. Being with someone that is fun, laughing and enjoyable is a turn on. Being sexy is about the total package...... I think you're sexy 😊
I think the ability to accept rejection, or as you put it "excuse yourself if the person says no", is really key. I remember as a kid rejection felt like a personal insult. I couldn't understand why someone would reject me and it felt like there must be something wrong with me. Learning more about incompatibility and rejection, and how to accept it not only keeps my comments from becoming harassment, but also helps me feel better about the interaction. It's a win for everyone. And it's not that hard to practice. Just give them a clear chance to say no, and accept it gracefully if they do. The tricky part is learning that a "no" is okay in the first place and shouldn't hurt your ego. A lesson our culture doesn't do a great job teaching and that actually runs contrary to ideas of "perseverance" as a virtue (romantic comedies are such bad teachers). Not that the other things you mentioned aren't also important. I 100% agree with everything you said. Just wanted to chime in on this because I found it to both be particularly important and particularly difficult/painful to learn. And I think it is where a lot of people struggle.
I LOVE this woman and her overwhelming consistency. Unlike most social media I've come across in the past few years, she's just being real without having to add flashy unnecessary bullshit. I have bad ADHD, so keeping my attention for as long as you do shows me you have sincerity in what you do. Please don't lose that passion, it'd be like being moved out of my old favorite teachers room in high school.
Just reading your headline makes me think of coaching/mentoring high school boys. It is "bad manners" "poor class" "unacceptable" to Hit on ANYONE. The better idea is to show: interest, affection, RESPECT, to everyone in your circle. Then respond. You'll build a reputation you can stand on, You'll build friendships you can rely on. The caveat is that reputation and relationships require diligent hard work and that sometimes there are unpleasant "truths" that come out requiring difficult introspection, you may have to move away from friendships that aren't helpful. I'm impressed with everything I've heard and seen on your podcast, keep on Keeping on.
I am always impressed at how you can take what to most is a very socially awkward topic and make it clear, concise, and open for anyone to inquire. 100% Dr Doe you are amazing.
i don't know what's more of a turn-on: that infectious enthusiasm or the fact she's crazy smart. we need more teachers like this. hell, we need more people like this.
Never actually looked in the comment section of your videos because of I expected to be people not having respect to you or to others sexual differences but you have a really fun and important channel so I will give it a try to even post a comment Or two like this one
As with most comment sections on large channels, it's a mixed bag. I've had some of my best and most open discussions about sexuality in comment threads on this channel, but I've also seen some of the most vile comments I've ever come across here.
I joined the channel about a year ago and while I don't read every comment the majority of them are mature and serious about the content. Which I feel reflects that people rightfully appreciate the content here.
a good idea is usually to wait a few hours after the video comes up and set it to "top comments", most of the problematic comments just get buried (and all the "first" idiots)
You have taught me a lot that no one ever explained when I was in school. Thank you for fighting through the creepers! Keep the education videos coming :)
Keep up the good work Dr. Doe! I remembered you the other when I was asking a girl out, in the past I would insist if she said no (even if she was clearly uncomfortable, I couldn't tell the difference then) but now I look for visual queues and I actually just backed off and she asked me out a couple of days ago! It all ended well :D PS: that laugh at the swivel vibrator was adorable!
Abdel aziz habiba I think some men get defensive when talking about harassment because they don't know what is and isn't making people uncomfortable and would rather defend themselves than learn. Good job picking up some observational skills.
You should run for president! Honestly you’re a great communicator and that is what makes you so appealing. You are smart well informed and have paid your dues and you are willing to share your values your thoughts and understanding words that make you a very special person. Personally having someone one like you to talk with would be a fresh of breath air. We all have our struggles and the way you explain things makes me feel borne again now to find someone that is willing to go into the depths that you go to share openly and honestly as you do would be the ultimate partner. It takes two and trust to go to this level and once you go there you will never want to go back it is like sharing your soul with that person and you become one. Thank you for all you do and that you are willing to share we are all in a better place for your understanding and self confidence which spills over to other. You are great!
The entire time, I had radar focus on the pair of scissors stuffed into the rope hanging on the wall behind her. What a strange and potentially unsafe way to "store" scissors.
Thank you Dr. Doe! As a RUclips content creator I occasionally receive sexual or flirtatious comments. I'm often unsure how to respond to the comments in a way that's most fair for me, the commenter, and any viewers who might read the comment. This was helpful.
I appreciate this more than you know. I have trouble building confidence to even flirt because of flirting at the wrong time to the wrong person or the severely uninterested. P.s. you're very beautiful but to me you're intent to educate and your message are so informative and well structured that I'm just too interested in what you are teaching. I hope you are doing this for a long time.
I agree + such a positive attitude. She makes you feel like a friend. Acting or not I enjoy her videos. I'd give a rhetorical million dollars to have her energy. Cheers
I think it's a bad idea tbh. She did say there are many people who get offended on her behalf, and now that these names have been deliberately displayed, people might go and mass attack them, and that's not cool.
I agree about the names. Apart from the fact that little is every truly lost on the net, the comments were published publicly. But I also agree that piling on these folks is not appropriate in this case.
"...allow the survivors and perpetrators to recover..." Yes! I also wonder if the the survivors and perpetrators are one in the same. Love Dr Doe. In this statement we will begin to heal when the silence ends.
Dr. Doe, I *really* appreciate and enjoy your open style of communication and ability to turn awkward (at best) or possible hurtfully offensive youtube comments into an honestly teachable situation to help people understand some very reasonable tools and approaches to figure out appropriateness of advances in context while additionally helping people understand how to classily approach unwanted advances. Being a long time patron of youtube and other even less... socially scrupulous social network platforms, I understand what a total crap show it can turn into, and I'm sorry that your chosen niche and your extremely open style of coverage attracts quite a bit of negative attention. I really enjoy your content, and I very much hope that you don't let the online negativity get you down. Thank you for your continued open public positivity about sexuality and encouraging the same from others. Thankfully the stigma seems to be slowly dwindling, but there are no shortage of holdouts. Please keep up the fantastic work!
You are just soo great Dr Doe! Thank you for all your strength and knowledge in everyrhing that you do. My wife and I are and will be lifetime subscribers...
I really respect that you are willing to talk about sexuality with such openness and down-to-earth honesty in a society where it is sadly still a taboo, and that you are doing this as a woman in a society where sexism is sadly still the norm, either consciously, or as unconscious bias. I consider myself pretty open and honest and usually have no problem talking about sexuality openly, plus I'm bio-sex male so the systemic sexism doesn't affect me as much, and yet, I'm still not as daring about it as you, so my full respect goes to you. We need more educators like you because sexuality is one of the core elements in most people's lives, and yet most people have way too little knowledge and understanding about it. It's a shame that some people make comments that are ranging from tasteless to offensive, but I have a feeling many of them are just feeling insecure because you are more confident about your sexuality than they are about their own. :D
I recommend your videos to people because you make some really good content, I don't normally comment but you have helped me feel better about myself and taught me new things I can incorporate into my relationship. My girlfriend also enjoys your videos and I think you are a really good teacher and you are one of my role models and too me a celebrity of sorts. I know this has nothing really to do with the video but I felt comfortable enough to finally comment, I hope one day I can meet you and maybe if it's not awkward get a hug or just talk. Have a great day.
Recently found this channel. I LOVE your open, no BS explanations. You say it like it is and what ever you’re thinking. You say what others are thinking but are too afraid to say out loud.
My, my, my. Dr. Doe is absolutely doing some great work. She said in the video she is at work and I was woah, yeah, she really is. Great, helpful, needed content. Thank you, Dr. Doe. You Rock. I agree with Austin Sanniota, "this is the most honest and nuanced discussions of a complicated topic that I've seen on RUclips" and anywhere else in under 7 minutes. Shine on you Crazy Diamond!
I like the fact that you mention the non-response, or behavior that is indicative of a rejection of the offer people need to accept. I have found that giving a polite rejection can also cause a friendship to be ruined after you straight up say no. Yet, have found that some guys seem to think if they haven't heard a straight up no that it's still a possibility, Which eventually make them become more forward with hitting on me. I dont understand this behavior at all. If i dont feel the person I am into feels the same back, it makes me not interested as much. Others seem to think it's something they need to work on.
bladerise I wouldn't say she's being neutral. She laid out some clearly defined opinions. She was very open with her approach, but she was clearly against certain kinds of comments.
Yeah. The "rule" is mostly so adults get the hint that they need to up the age of their dating pool when they get older. Some people have a hard time getting the hint because they haven't socially and emotionally matured as much as everyone else their age, and some of them don't get the hint because they are genuinely creeps. The social "rule" ideally helps them get the hint before they become a problem someone needs to intervene on.
Quick preface: I have an autism spectrum disorder. I don't think it's exaggerating to say this video will change (and no joke, will likely save) lives. I have never hit on someone on RUclips, but I have given women unwanted attention over the decades. I have been in situations from grade school through college where I was told I was creepy or bad and don't understand what I was doing wrong. The media was telling me I should hit on women, my friends and other students were dating each other, and yet when I did, I was suddenly villainized-because I didn't have the innate talent that most people are born with to read nonverbal cues telling me to stop - a deficit inherent in those who have autism spectrum disorders. Over decades, I have developed skills to compensate for lack of talent and have been fairly successful (partly because I have an EXTREMELY mild case of autism). I hope people like me who struggle with boundaries feel validated while watching your video. It's okay to be unskilled; it's okay to flirt; you just need to follow a few rules. An idea for a future video would be to have a chat with someone like me who has an ASD or a professional who works with said people and explain that some people don't mean to be creepy and are genuinely doing the best they can to deal with their sexual feelings, but their brains work differently. This brings up another video idea: some things that happen between people are neither person's fault; sometimes situations just suck and no-one is to blame. I dunno, just a couple ideas to chew on.
David Kraft couldn't have put this better myself. For many years I had serious issues with any form of relationship with the opposite sex(also people in general, but the opposite sex was far worse). The worse thing about this was I didn't even know I was autistic until much later (literally 2 years ago). I was told I was odd, weird or strange, by the opposite sex and as a result of that my problems got worse. From the age of 17 onwards I completely shut myself off to the outside world, literally didn't go out and socialise with anyone as I didn't feel a part of this society. I didn't actually lose my virginity until I was 24 and I can't even begin to tell you how bad that, and having zero attention from the opposite sex made me feel. And like you, I am not that far along on the spectrum, but far enough that the social issues I had were (and still are to some degree) bad. Thankfully now I have a beautiful wife and an amazing son and my life is infinitely more better than it was, but the things I had to do to change my life around like that I can't even put into words, out of my comfort zone is putting it mildly. Anyway I agree with you, there seriously needs to be more consideration for people like us. But where do we even start in a society that frowns upon anything that isn't normal?
I have a question about dating in the workplace (might make a good episode). Almost every job I've had, there's been an attractive co-worker and/or supervisor and I wanted to ask them out, but there's a lot of stuff to consider when asking a co-worker out: - If I ask this person out and it makes them uncomfortable or they say no, it might make future interactions awkward, so there's a high risk of that. I may really want to ask them out and it's torture to have to work with someone daily that you find amazing and attractive, but can't tell them because you're scared it will ruin any friendship. - I can be respectful when asking them out (ask if I can hang out with them or buy them a drink/coffee/etc....). If they say no or seem uncomfortable, then apologize and say you won't bring it up again. But still, there's still a risk of ruining that positive workplace dynamic. - There's also lots you can read into with any response they give. For example, If they say something like "I'm really busy this week, sorry" and don't try to reschedule for the future, then I assume that's just an excuse for not going out with me and I drop it. If they do try to make an attempt, then I know it's actually because they were busy. - Something that's unfortunately common is to keep asking the person out despite them making constantly excuses or even saying no, but that's harassment. - A supervisor-co-worker relationship is dangerous due to the potential abuse of the power dynamic, but I think it's possible if both parties are responsible, respectful, and maybe if they don't directly supervise you. What do you think is the best way to ask a co-worker/supervisor out or is it not a good idea at all? What are some reactions people give when being asked out in these contexts and what are the appropriate/respectful responses? I'd love to know your thoughts on any of this!
There's only so much you can do in some situations and then it depends on the other person if they make it awkward or it's already awkward to them. I think in this situation you're supposed to slightly flirt with the person to gauge their interest
Don't date people from work/school. It's that simple. If you do you're setting yourself up for failure. Go out/use tinder/approach people on the street. If you try the person will feel cornered and it'll stain your reputation there. If it works out and you end up dating the person, the relationship will always be tainted with "oh crap, if we break up it'll screw up the work environment" and if you do break up it will screw up the work environment. So just don't do it. Sorry if I was too direct, it's just to get my point across. Also, if you're having trouble with that sort of stuff, look up "rsdmax" here on youtube. The best of luck to you.
One really bad scenario you did not consider: you ask that person out, they agree, you date, then you break up and you break up bad. Real bad. Can you both keep working at the company? Won't it require half the company to work around your relationship issues? Jobs often last longer than especially young people's relationships, so this is an important thing to consider.
every relationship I have had with co-workers has not worked out, so I made the rule for myself that I wont date people from work again. each person is different tho and the only way to learn is to do it yourself. we are only human and make mistakes, if you understand all the risks and want to proceed that's up to you.
Well, on the one hand I have coworkers who dated and broke up and it got really awkward for them and everyone else after the fact. But on the other hand I know 2 people who married coworkers. One of them was dating someone who worked at another location though.
Dr. Doe, your videos are so informative and i am knowing so many things and trust me. i even applied this knowledge in my family life and am really happy. thanks to you and your channel. you uncover so many things during your explanation and i am glad you are doing it. The way you cover the topics are interesting and energetic. the information or clarity about the topic is 200%. You really made my life more beautiful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This video is why we all love you. You are the ideal woman, beautiful, sexy, sensual, articulate, extremely intelligent and make us feel proud of our sexuality, instead of ashamed of it. Your certainly gifted in your profession. It is tough not to be attracted to you because we don't often find people in life that are as enlightened as you and physically so attractive as well. Plus having such a positive and flirtations personality is just another part of your attraction. It is extremely sexy hearing a woman being so open and experimental in her thinking. Thanks for all you do.
@@singingintherain4750 You say in a video ENTIRELY anout being open about your sexual thoughts/desires as long as it fits within the context of the video and said it's okay as long as you don't push yourself and keep pestering people. Irony 100 r/woosh 100 Big brain 0
@@MrSuperbeast92 Isn't insulting them counter intuitive to the core message of sexplanations? to be ok to express yourself and not feel ashamed about it?
Dr Doe is a beautiful person, inside and out, however that in no way justifies the extreme oversexualisation of her in some of those comments. This is a place to be open and positive, not to harass and cause discomfort.
+Xylo Zalost I think the difference between a sexual demonstration by an individual and the oversexualization of the said person (resulting in discomfort) is pretty clear. Stop throwing around the word 'feminazi', it's lame.
Thank you so much for this video, I had been wondering how you handle unfiltered comments. Personally, I don’t read the comments, other than the top few, so I haven’t seen them. You do great things here, I’m happy that you haven’t been scared away, please keep it up. BTW, I’m almost 68 and don’t concern myself with sex so much anymore, but I love to hear about it from you. Wish I’d have had this kind of teaching growing up.
I wish your channel had been around back when I was a teenager. I have learned so much more from your videos than I ever did from sex ed class, or even my parents! You would have made my younger self a lot less awkward!
Environmental story telling at its finest : Shibari Rope (this is a kink positive space) , with a set of shears in it (this is a safe, well informed space), in a neutral pastel colour in keeping with the rest of the set (kink is not separate but part of this environment). Love it, high five who ever put that in.
Very important topic, it was hard in the past to find the right middle ground to communicate desire unoffensively. Now it's getting even more difficult. Thanks for this discussion.
Oh my fucking god! The segue you had into your sponsor was so stunningly epicly priceless! That was literally the most epic moment I've ever seen on RUclips! You're amazing!
Even by Sexplanations high standards, this was an impressively nuanced & thoughtful examination of an important (but *uncomfortable*!) topic. Thank you once again for providing a service to your viewers.
In my opinion, your channel is extremely educational and I think being respectful, educated, and mature can really take advantage of what you teach...Keep up the great work!!!
Jesus Christ great video, I fking love how you "shut down" negative comments while at the same time teach us how to be respectful and comprehensive. I have enjoyed every second of all of the videos that I have seen from this channel, even to the point to intrigue me about sexology, heck I have consider becoming one just because of you (I'm 17 and still deciding what to study). Thanks for everything Dr. Doe! btw I consider you to be my Tom Hiddleston, in a no fully sexual kinda fantastic imaginary way. I'll stay curious. \ (•◡•) /
I Thank you for your time and effort to cover so much information in such an informative manner. Being a Tennessee resident , I was not at all surprised what happened at your speaking engagement... Tennessee is one of the most beautiful states in the country with Forest that are now less dense than many of those that reside near them. I have been diving into your content for a few days now and I'm sure I haven't covered it all yet so forgive me if any of my questions have already been covered .... (1) in one topic you covered flirtatious behavior and unwanted advances and referred to a standard I had never heard of (half ones age plus 7 years ) I was wondering how you came up with that. I'm not trying to refute it mind you , just asking where it comes from? My ex-wife whom I still live with , points out we have a daughter in college and some of the young ladies I compliment are of her generation, I always reply our daughter is getting older by the minute and so am I , pretty soon I won't be able to talk to any body...lol. Just as an example , I am in my early 50's and there is a young lady in the cafeteria at work that I tell her she's as pretty as any model and I once told her that if I wasn't a hundred years older and we had gone to school together ,that I would have chased her all over the playground just to hold her hand , and give her half my sandwich ! she blushed...lol! She and one of the other girls about 19-20 , will ask me to tighten a battery cable or put on some wiper blades on their cars , and I try to be like a dad because the boyfriends are worthless. They are both smart and hard workers ...but they like the bad boys ...In and out of jail , and one wrecked one of the girls cars . Makes me nuts ... One day when they where both mad and raggin on the boys I said " if you put those two boys together in a shoe box you would have a pair of loafers!" Wasn't sure they would get it , but they giggled ....
you give me the same vibes as a nice aunt but not really because i would never discuss this stuff with family. anyways, thank you for all the help you give out! you are such a nice lady and i wish you nothing but goo fortune!
I like how she turned a no into the basis of a 7min video XD Just googled the half your age plus 7 and... well, the information available is vague. Doc Doe - care to do a video about age difference in relationships?
HexerPsy Once she said "half your age plus seven " I immediately laughed and barked, "The Dog Rule! I've been following that one since the mid '80s." Dr Doe, you are a wise and wonderful woman and at a different time and in a different context... /me sighs
I was actually curious about this one myself. Not necessarily because I wasn't to date anyone outside the parameters but because I was curious as to if its an actual rule people tend to follow or what exactly its about. Just curious about more information.
though it is a fairly soft taboo to break. (at least imo, and from knowing a few people that have broken it) you aren't gonna get majorly ostracized if you break it. *probably* at most there would be some disapproving sidelong glances, or name calling. (gold digger, cradle robber)
It is widely understood that schizophrenia is mental illness where a person has multiple personalities. Just because something is commonly "known" doesn't make it true.
Dr. Doe is such a strong person. This video is particularly impressive. This is probably the most balanced, reasoned explanation of consent and harassment around.
You are AWSOME, you are without a doubt the most mature insightful role model. I have a deeper insight into “intent and context’ and recognisin attention seekers vs genuine intentions. I missed so much growing up, everything was repressed and hidden in the 70s and 80s, at least in my world it was🙁 Thanks Doc, you are wonderful.
Some guy - I think in the 18th or 19th Century - said the ideal age for a wife was half one’s age plus seven. Some people have taken that and said the ‘socially acceptable’ age in any relationship is within half plus seven. Not sure what socially acceptable means though - society is made up of lots of different people with lots of different views - don’t know why your personal feelings would be any less valid than anyone else’s. So not sure how to calculate anything precisely. It’s arguably quite illiberal, if it’s telling consenting adults they can’t be with one another.
Like any generalisation it doesnt hold up to every example. I’d see it as more of a general guide. If you think the age gap is uncomfortable or weird it probably is.
4:48: I ran into the "half (the older person's age) plus seven" as an appropriate age for dating. I did the math and determined that nobody should be dating before age 14 (okay, that's not unreasonable). I am married, but sometimes when I meet someone I am attracted to (I'm married, not dead), I run the numbers anyway. In context, I'm kind of a math nerd; I once calculated how tall the stack would be if you made one copy of every possible Bingo card (on the back of a cocktail napkin while having drinks with my wife after playing Bingo). Anyway, I've discovered that a lot of women that I really connect with in a social context are "too young" (I'm talking about women over 25 here). It occurs to me that once a person is mature, in the words of Captain Barbossa in Pirates of the Caribbean, "...the Code is more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules...". I digressed a bit. Does anyone know the source of this rule or guideline?
Such a serious video and she still manages to get in one of those kinky smiles at the end xD I like the statement "for the survivors and perpetrators to recover", my personal opinion because a lot of people perpetrating do feel and understand the pain that they've caused
I think there are often multiple layers of consent, like sometimes it's a good idea to get consent before asking someone something personal about sex at all. It's not always black and white, but you can ease into the conversation and pay attention to how the person is reacting.
True, and when unsure, a "Can I ask you about XYZ?" is a perfectly socially acceptable way to ascertain that consent. Might come across as clumsy, but I'd rather be clumsy than for my question to come across as harassment.
Thank you for this whole episode. I was the shy kid in high school. Couldn’t even figure out how to ask a girl out. Grew up without having learned any filters when giving complements. You are very attractive and your energy and passion in your presentations is refreshing and stimulating. Keep up the good work and please don’t block me. ☺️
I am... Somewhat distressed by the first two minutes of this video... I have watched Dr Doe's video series for several years now, and I suppose I've never looked at the comments. Well, for what it's worth, I think you are an amazing person Dr Doe, and I consider any other parasocial feelings I may or may not have for you inappropriate to express in this context.
Hello! I'm not dating now-a-days, been with the same woman for six years now. However, I do know that dating was challenging before and it appears to be vastly more challenging now. I appreciate you recognizing that acceptable dating practices were poor in the past and are currently a moving target, especially for men, and taking the time to give us concrete tools to move forward with grace and respect. Kindest regards.
"Appearing less energized," meaning seeming distracted, not as focused on you and the conversation between you. If you are unsure, asking if she'd like to change the subject may give you more clear communication.
Rule of thumb that gets often quoted. It's about power imbalances. Power imbalances can exist in many ways, for example when one person is financially or emotionally dependent on the other (like within families or between the recievers and givers of aid), when one person holds power over the other's career (like a boss and an employee), or also when the amount of life experience is very different - like when there's a relatively big age difference. In all of these cases a relationship can be perfectly healthy. It is just much less likely to be.
Stultum: it's not about power imbalances; it's about social bias against age differences. It's really no better than any other social norm not firmly rooted in rational principles. 'Power imbalances' is simply the post-hoc justification people have come up with, just as they had similar (and equally nonsensical) justifications against interracial relationships, homosexuality, sex before marriage, etc.
I remember reading some time ago that it was some archaic metric for choosing "an appropriate wife", but I can't verify. That said, it's a pretty universally agreed upon rule of thumb now to determine if the interaction is acceptable or not.
Gotta thank and commend Dr Doe, she's intelligent, open minded and funny, and her content's always entertaining, informative and non-judgemental regardless of the topic, it's rare to see all that in one and it's great that she takes the time to make it. If I ever needed a clinical sexologist, and I had the money, Dr Doe would be my first choice.
i disagree with the age thing. half your age plus seven is completely arbitrary and weird. my girlfriend is 30+ years older than me and i would have hated for her to think she couldn't flirt with me. i get that it was about cultural acceptance but i disagree that it should be taught as a tool to gauge whether an interaction is appropriate..
socially inappriopriate does not meant that it has to be inappropriate or bad overall. Just because something is generally seen in a way, does not mean that it always has to be right. Just 500 years ago, there was no school system or any school at all, beyond some priest schools, in Europe. But we all know how good education can be, as seen in this video. That doesn't mean that any age difference is okay. But as long as you're adult and it works out for the both of you, I would agree with you.
FacebookWasDown - Ah the age thing. I think Dr. Doe meant it more as a guide than a hard fast rule. The heart will usually get what it wants. I was a baby fat 18 and met the most awesome 3 time mother of 31. We were married 28 years. Bless her heart! How did she ever put up with hormonal me? Over the years, we realized we had passed 'and noticed' each other, publicly, at least 3 times. After one passing meeting, I turned to my sister and very uncharacteristically said "I'm going to marry that woman one day!". We both thought I was nuts. Must have been destiny... I wish you and your girlfriend the best.
This half your age rule plus seven is a really old rule (which does not make it obsolete) ... and there are good reasons for it that are to the benefit of both people intended for yours and your spouse's happiness and well being over a long life together. Its not the law; its a rule of thumb ... so whatever floats your boat and good luck with your relationship ... just so long as you understand the downsides.
I just detected a female specimen of my species having a rarely high tolerance and acceptance of males with extremely low social skills. I consider requesting to mate with you.
@@ameladaptivedaydreamer949 Considering the current state of the world and the quarantine. This comment has not aged well. Please, now is not the time to go outside. Stay locked up. Don't find anyone.
@@matthewrich2029 As you aid it didn't aged well,however let me remind you that it's been a month.....people are going to take the time it was posted in consideration
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your guidance in this area. I myself never know when I should or shouldn't ask someone out or make my intent known because I am surrounded by a culture that is hypersensitive about harrassment and even a simple, innocent question can be taken the wrong way. I just wish we could all be nicer about something that is already so awkward
Half your age, plus seven I started to calculate in my head, but then I thought: oh wait, this doesn't apply to me, they'd have to be over 18 anyway. I'm 22...
I am speechless. I think you are amazing all the way around. If people cant understand that respect should always be given to a woman regardless of the position held, they shouldn't be blessed with your presence. There is nothing wrong with expression but there is a positive way to Express that. I would be so grateful to continue to watch your videos. Thank you.
From your videos you come across as an amazing woman in every way, if i said i don't wanna hit on you, i would be lying my ass off lol But i will say i appreciate your sexuality and see beauty in every part of what makes you who you are that you show us and your boyfriend is such a lucky guy! I wish you the best!
being a youtube addict I see and look for a lot of different interests . . . finding your channels has been so fantastic and such a blast watching and learning . . . this particular video has been very interesting . . . I think the one thing that attracted me to your channel was your open and honest enthusiasm .. . . I hope you continue for a long time
Im a gay guy but this show is still a great way for me to get in the mood before moving over to porn, all the while learning a ton of cool and interesting shit. Keep it up gurl.
Dr. Doe, I recently discovered your posting and find them amusing, but it took me awhile to figure out who you reminded me of. I have a tendency to watch retro TV shows and one of which is "Father Knows Best". You have a striking resemblance to the oldest daughter on the show played by Elinor Donahue. Now I really laugh because of the contrast between the wholesome 1950's context of the TV show, and your subject matter and dialogue in your presentations here. Needless to say, I enjoy....you're very entertaining...….I can only imagine what it would be like to actually know you in "real life". I would gather there would never be a dull moment....
I have a request...can ya do a series on older men?? the issues, what causes them and most important is how to fix them or get around them or something.. while the body may be getting on in years the brain still says 17...I e young..help...please
As an older guy (78) and having been very happily married for 65+ years to very sexually active women, I certainly can't complain. Yet, I find Dr Doe to have many things that I can still learn from. Keep up the good work.
@Daver G Guess my math is faulty, eh? I actually got married when I was 17 - still in high school (stupid, eh?) It lasted a total of 5 years or so, then I was married for 44.5 years, my first soul mate but lost her to cancer. Then I met and married my second soul mate - yes you can have more than one soul mate. We have been together for 10 years (married for almost 9 now) - I seem to be the marrying type, eh? Except for wife #1 I have had wives that were compassionate, sexy, intelligent, fun loving, and just about everything else you could ask for in a marriage. God had a hand in selecting those wives.
@Daver G Gosh Daver, how much time do you spend trying to catch other's errors. I never said that the revised total was anywhere near 65 now did I? It is actually 58.5 BUT my current wife and I were together 1.5 years before we got married - to guard against my children being bothered by my quick coupling. We were "married" long before we actually had a ceremony. I therefore claim 60 years of marriage. My current wife and I had both lost our spouses to bladder cancer. She has a total marriage time of 50 years so combined, we have 110 years of marriage experience. We're looking forward to at least another 20 years of life and marriage, maybe more as my mother lived to 99, father lived to 96, grandmother lived to 104, aunts lived to 96 and 102 respectively, grandfather lived to 92, so I've got a great shot at 100. Wish a long life to you. And to Lindsey as well, she is a great inspiration and great person.
Dr. Doe, you are a role model for me and I share your videos with all of my young friends who live in places where they were not provided sex ed or are shamed out of asking questions. With your videos as tools, I've helped educate about consent, about exploring one's desires, and sorting through the hormonal mess that is puberty without doing harm to oneself or others. The fact that you are open, candid, and don't shy away from any topic is why you make such a great resource, and I am proud to spread your work throughout the internet pipelines to those who need them most. Also, I got a boss vibrator for half price with that promo code, thanks for all the O's. :3
'Sexplanations' is pretty much the best thing ever and absolute proof that openness, truth, and honesty are indeed the best way forward. Thank YOU Dr. Doe!
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Don't get out much?
Please explain.
If you think sexplanations is the best thing ever then there must be a whole wide world outside your door that you've never seen. If you think honesty is a way for anything . . . well . . . I don't have time. I gotta shower and get to some grifting I gotta do.
Thanks for the reminder that such small people still exist. Interacting with you has been a truly regrettable experience.
She is very intelligent. Her wisdom brings me joy.
dontknow You unintelligent ?
I agree. She is both intelligent and wise.
holy shiet, she did a logical judo move on the trolls...
I can't even.
Yes you can, believe in yourself
Damn this video is really needed right now. As a young man, it is difficult to figure out what is okay.
Ludix147 especially in today’s culture. With the how prominent Dating apps are. It is difficult to not only convey intentions, but too get a good since of how the person is taking the conversation.
I think it will improve as the culture evolves and we learn to be more honest and compassionate. Like, how often do we actually say what we mean in a considerate way? How often to we ask questions to clarify intent? Yes, it takes courage and good communication, but I think we can all find ways to develop those skills and fill in those gaps (and thereby encouraging other people to feel safe being transparent and upfront).
Look up "rsdmax how to pick up girls and keep them" on youtube, trust me. It helped me so much
I am a highly sexual trans woman and often find it hard myself to know where the line is, because I'm so open about sex and sex is very culturally taboo in America it is easy to make other's uncomfortable, especially since some people wrongly think I count as a guy and take it even worse.
Just no. At no point has a pick up "artist" been helpful or respectful at all. Don't tell people to watch pick up videos unironically.
On your pod you said that you wanted to get better at hair/makeup in your vids. This one killed it, you look lovely.
Alix J Came to the comments to say the same. Killer hairstyle!!
Loved it! She looks gorgeous.
Hey +sexplanations do you have a preference for how viewers should reply to trolls?
I would love to tell The Absolute Madman that as someone who does theater/film makeup professionally, I know it is a skill. The diffused light makes your face and makeup look different, so there is a learning curve. And on my set, both men and women wear makeup.
However, I know that responding with the intent to educate just "feeds the trolls" and pushes the comments to the top of the thread.
Should we just ignore these and spend our time/energy on the positive comments, and leave the educating to you? Or should we add our knowledge/expertise to conversation down here?
I know her hair is on point. And her makeup is so good it took me a second to realize that she wasn't just looking really good. I mean she has been glowing anyways due to how happy she has been with some changes in her life.
The Absolute Madman Makeup is a form of expression, much like wearing clothes or styling your hair. Although some makeup products (like concealer or color corrector) are specifically designed to hide blemishes, most makeup products and techniques are actually used to accentuate pre-existing beauty. Eye liner to make the eyes pop, bronzer to frame the face and contour the cheekbones, and highlighter to make the face brighter. She isn’t masking her natural beauty, she’s accentuating it, and doing a damn good job at it, too 💖
What i like about this Channel: You manage to find a precise decription and words for something that is allready understood in a intuitive but kind of fuzzy way. Your explaination clear the view and help to form an even deeper understanding.
It's called "having a PhD in your field".
The power of a functional vocabulary
This was, for me, one of the most helpful videos you've done Dr Doe :). As a sex educator (both in my day job at an HIV agency and a kink educator on evenings and weekends) it's a regular occurrence for me to be propositioned in a far-less-than-safe or consensual manner. As a big burly male-identified person, I get the mild version, and it's still incredibly challenging at times. Thank you for sharing the language that will help me communicate about this topic too. -Dylan
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Our Hero
I misread "weekends" by reading "weddings"; New business opportunity? :D
Our Hero "male-identified" 🙄
what's the confusion about "male identified"?
People who are read/perceived as male in our society, no matter their actual gender, have many privileges when it comes to autonomy and consent; it's great/reassuring that it's something they feel is important enough to mention.
Snigger Jones I would like to recommend the Sexplanations episode about non binary and transgender people - not everybody one assumes belongs to a certain gender actually does.
People often assume my best friend and me to be twins because we look similar and my sister and me to not be related - that's all, assumptions. And they're wrong.
Using non-gendered terms gets rid of that assumption =)
That is such a tough issue to address, and yet you tackled it head on so well! It gives me hope that one day we can get great sexual education to everyone
My sentiments exactly! :)
Wow she just straight up called out the internet. Well said.
I think this is one of the most honest and nuanced discussions of a complicated topic that I’ve seen on RUclips. If only we could talk about politics in a similar way...
Thanks Austin for that great comment! I too wish that were true about our political discussions! Thanks again sir!
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Now I hope understand the ground rules about being able to hit on you. I honestly think you are one of the sexiest women I have ever seen. Let me explain my terminology of the word sexy. It doesn't necessarily have to even be about sex. It's a mental state as well as a physical state.its about the total package. A woman's demeanor and attitude is just as important if not more than her looks. But the confidence that a woman has in herself, her looks and her body is also sexy. Being sexy is a turn on but not necessarily about sex. It's an attraction. Being with someone that is fun, laughing and enjoyable is a turn on. Being sexy is about the total package...... I think you're sexy 😊
About EVERYTHING!
Austin Sanniota
You’re dreaming
Inane comments show your ignorance
I think the ability to accept rejection, or as you put it "excuse yourself if the person says no", is really key. I remember as a kid rejection felt like a personal insult. I couldn't understand why someone would reject me and it felt like there must be something wrong with me. Learning more about incompatibility and rejection, and how to accept it not only keeps my comments from becoming harassment, but also helps me feel better about the interaction. It's a win for everyone. And it's not that hard to practice. Just give them a clear chance to say no, and accept it gracefully if they do. The tricky part is learning that a "no" is okay in the first place and shouldn't hurt your ego. A lesson our culture doesn't do a great job teaching and that actually runs contrary to ideas of "perseverance" as a virtue (romantic comedies are such bad teachers).
Not that the other things you mentioned aren't also important. I 100% agree with everything you said. Just wanted to chime in on this because I found it to both be particularly important and particularly difficult/painful to learn. And I think it is where a lot of people struggle.
I love her! She's great! She's so professional and helps so many people.
She's both very professional and also very silly.
I LOVE this woman and her overwhelming consistency. Unlike most social media I've come across in the past few years, she's just being real without having to add flashy unnecessary bullshit. I have bad ADHD, so keeping my attention for as long as you do shows me you have sincerity in what you do. Please don't lose that passion, it'd be like being moved out of my old favorite teachers room in high school.
LOVE that you talked about this. It's a difficult subject but you discussed it respectfully and truthfully. This is why I love your channel!
Just reading your headline makes me think of coaching/mentoring high school boys.
It is "bad manners" "poor class" "unacceptable" to Hit on ANYONE.
The better idea is to show: interest, affection, RESPECT, to everyone in your circle.
Then respond.
You'll build a reputation you can stand on,
You'll build friendships you can rely on.
The caveat is that reputation and relationships require diligent hard work and that sometimes there are unpleasant "truths" that come out requiring difficult introspection, you may have to move away from friendships that aren't helpful.
I'm impressed with everything I've heard and seen on your podcast, keep on Keeping on.
I am always impressed at how you can take what to most is a very socially awkward topic and make it clear, concise, and open for anyone to inquire. 100% Dr Doe you are amazing.
This was such a mature and informative response to a situation with a lot of "landmines," thanks for sharing your extensive knowledge and positivity!
i don't know what's more of a turn-on: that infectious enthusiasm or the fact she's crazy smart. we need more teachers like this. hell, we need more people like this.
Never actually looked in the comment section of your videos because of I expected to be people not having respect to you or to others sexual differences but you have a really fun and important channel so I will give it a try to even post a comment Or two like this one
As with most comment sections on large channels, it's a mixed bag. I've had some of my best and most open discussions about sexuality in comment threads on this channel, but I've also seen some of the most vile comments I've ever come across here.
I joined the channel about a year ago and while I don't read every comment the majority of them are mature and serious about the content. Which I feel reflects that people rightfully appreciate the content here.
a good idea is usually to wait a few hours after the video comes up and set it to "top comments", most of the problematic comments just get buried (and all the "first" idiots)
This is probably the best video you’ve done yet!
You have taught me a lot that no one ever explained when I was in school. Thank you for fighting through the creepers! Keep the education videos coming :)
your videos are so clear and engaging and your bright, cheerful smile makes me feel welcome watching them. thank you Dr Doe. :)
Your hair is very pretty in this video. I really like the way it’s styled.
Honestly I would LOVE to sit down and have an endless and open conversation with Dr. Doe!
Keep up the good work Dr. Doe! I remembered you the other when I was asking a girl out, in the past I would insist if she said no (even if she was clearly uncomfortable, I couldn't tell the difference then) but now I look for visual queues and I actually just backed off and she asked me out a couple of days ago! It all ended well :D
PS: that laugh at the swivel vibrator was adorable!
Abdel aziz habiba I think some men get defensive when talking about harassment because they don't know what is and isn't making people uncomfortable and would rather defend themselves than learn. Good job picking up some observational skills.
I'll quote Sean Connery before shooting a love scene with a beautiful actress...
"If I get aroused, I apologize. And if I don't... I apologize."
You should run for president! Honestly you’re a great communicator and that is what makes you so appealing. You are smart well informed and have paid your dues and you are willing to share your values your thoughts and understanding words that make you a very special person. Personally having someone one like you to talk with would be a fresh of breath air. We all have our struggles and the way you explain things makes me feel borne again now to find someone that is willing to go into the depths that you go to share openly and honestly as you do would be the ultimate partner. It takes two and trust to go to this level and once you go there you will never want to go back it is like sharing your soul with that person and you become one. Thank you for all you do and that you are willing to share we are all in a better place for your understanding and self confidence which spills over to other. You are great!
The entire time, I had radar focus on the pair of scissors stuffed into the rope hanging on the wall behind her. What a strange and potentially unsafe way to "store" scissors.
they are Safety scissors, used in her presentation on bondage. Try to keep up ....
hahaha so did I
Can't under them now lmao
Trauma shears. For cutting rope in an emergency during a bondage session. She has a video on it. I have to say I'm learning alot from this channel.
I know why they are there but I also was distracted by them.
Thank you Dr. Doe! As a RUclips content creator I occasionally receive sexual or flirtatious comments. I'm often unsure how to respond to the comments in a way that's most fair for me, the commenter, and any viewers who might read the comment. This was helpful.
I love your channel!
O
I appreciate this more than you know. I have trouble building confidence to even flirt because of flirting at the wrong time to the wrong person or the severely uninterested.
P.s. you're very beautiful but to me you're intent to educate and your message are so informative and well structured that I'm just too interested in what you are teaching. I hope you are doing this for a long time.
I agree + such a positive attitude. She makes you feel like a friend. Acting or not I enjoy her videos. I'd give a rhetorical million dollars to have her energy. Cheers
I’m glad she shows the names of the people who posted those comments
I think it's a bad idea tbh. She did say there are many people who get offended on her behalf, and now that these names have been deliberately displayed, people might go and mass attack them, and that's not cool.
Dylan Fox why isn’t it cool?
Are you actually okay with people bullying other bullies? You can't fight fire with fire. Bullying never makes things better.
I agree about the names. Apart from the fact that little is every truly lost on the net, the comments were published publicly. But I also agree that piling on these folks is not appropriate in this case.
Dylan Fox I don’t know where you’re getting that from 🤷🏻♂️ bullying bullies that deserves to be bullied is great it’s the only way to fuck them up
This is great. Would make a great TED talk to be honest.
I would love to see that!!
Yes! Sorely needed one!
Dr. Doe should do a TED talk
"...allow the survivors and perpetrators to recover..." Yes! I also wonder if the the survivors and perpetrators are one in the same. Love Dr Doe. In this statement we will begin to heal when the silence ends.
Dr. Doe, I *really* appreciate and enjoy your open style of communication and ability to turn awkward (at best) or possible hurtfully offensive youtube comments into an honestly teachable situation to help people understand some very reasonable tools and approaches to figure out appropriateness of advances in context while additionally helping people understand how to classily approach unwanted advances. Being a long time patron of youtube and other even less... socially scrupulous social network platforms, I understand what a total crap show it can turn into, and I'm sorry that your chosen niche and your extremely open style of coverage attracts quite a bit of negative attention. I really enjoy your content, and I very much hope that you don't let the online negativity get you down. Thank you for your continued open public positivity about sexuality and encouraging the same from others. Thankfully the stigma seems to be slowly dwindling, but there are no shortage of holdouts. Please keep up the fantastic work!
You are just soo great Dr Doe! Thank you for all your strength and knowledge in everyrhing that you do.
My wife and I are and will be lifetime subscribers...
I really respect that you are willing to talk about sexuality with such openness and down-to-earth honesty in a society where it is sadly still a taboo, and that you are doing this as a woman in a society where sexism is sadly still the norm, either consciously, or as unconscious bias. I consider myself pretty open and honest and usually have no problem talking about sexuality openly, plus I'm bio-sex male so the systemic sexism doesn't affect me as much, and yet, I'm still not as daring about it as you, so my full respect goes to you. We need more educators like you because sexuality is one of the core elements in most people's lives, and yet most people have way too little knowledge and understanding about it.
It's a shame that some people make comments that are ranging from tasteless to offensive, but I have a feeling many of them are just feeling insecure because you are more confident about your sexuality than they are about their own. :D
Dr. Doe, you are awesome. I don't know any other creators who would treat their comments with this much nuance.
mustardsfire22 I tend to agree with you. Very educational. Upfront and out right with all the information she has.
I recommend your videos to people because you make some really good content, I don't normally comment but you have helped me feel better about myself and taught me new things I can incorporate into my relationship. My girlfriend also enjoys your videos and I think you are a really good teacher and you are one of my role models and too me a celebrity of sorts. I know this has nothing really to do with the video but I felt comfortable enough to finally comment, I hope one day I can meet you and maybe if it's not awkward get a hug or just talk. Have a great day.
Recently found this channel. I LOVE your open, no BS explanations. You say it like it is and what ever you’re thinking. You say what others are thinking but are too afraid to say out loud.
My, my, my. Dr. Doe is absolutely doing some great work. She said in the video she is at work and I was woah, yeah, she really is. Great, helpful, needed content. Thank you, Dr. Doe. You Rock. I agree with Austin Sanniota, "this is the most honest and nuanced discussions of a complicated topic that I've seen on RUclips" and anywhere else in under 7 minutes. Shine on you Crazy Diamond!
You are a real diplomat, Dr. Doe. This episode was AMAZING.
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This would be such a difficult topic to approach - Lindsey truly is fantastic in how she educates and expresses her views.
I like the fact that you mention the non-response, or behavior that is indicative of a rejection of the offer people need to accept. I have found that giving a polite rejection can also cause a friendship to be ruined after you straight up say no. Yet, have found that some guys seem to think if they haven't heard a straight up no that it's still a possibility, Which eventually make them become more forward with hitting on me.
I dont understand this behavior at all. If i dont feel the person I am into feels the same back, it makes me not interested as much. Others seem to think it's something they need to work on.
Yet another Dr.Doe video that should be required life reading
Specially (but not exclusively) in the internet era
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How does one read a video? WTF?
don't try so hard Geo ...
Context...
i love that you stay very neutral and objective with this, thanks for that :)
bladerise I wouldn't say she's being neutral. She laid out some clearly defined opinions. She was very open with her approach, but she was clearly against certain kinds of comments.
"Is the person younger than you by half your age, plus seven?"
So..... My age?
I solved it! You are 14! 💪😄👌
@@alessandrorighetti21 y=1/2x+7 and also y=x+1, meaning you are 12! 😌
Yeah. The "rule" is mostly so adults get the hint that they need to up the age of their dating pool when they get older. Some people have a hard time getting the hint because they haven't socially and emotionally matured as much as everyone else their age, and some of them don't get the hint because they are genuinely creeps. The social "rule" ideally helps them get the hint before they become a problem someone needs to intervene on.
I think it’s more about a sliding scale the older you both get wider gaps become more acceptable
Quick preface: I have an autism spectrum disorder.
I don't think it's exaggerating to say this video will change (and no joke, will likely save) lives. I have never hit on someone on RUclips, but I have given women unwanted attention over the decades. I have been in situations from grade school through college where I was told I was creepy or bad and don't understand what I was doing wrong. The media was telling me I should hit on women, my friends and other students were dating each other, and yet when I did, I was suddenly villainized-because I didn't have the innate talent that most people are born with to read nonverbal cues telling me to stop - a deficit inherent in those who have autism spectrum disorders. Over decades, I have developed skills to compensate for lack of talent and have been fairly successful (partly because I have an EXTREMELY mild case of autism). I hope people like me who struggle with boundaries feel validated while watching your video. It's okay to be unskilled; it's okay to flirt; you just need to follow a few rules.
An idea for a future video would be to have a chat with someone like me who has an ASD or a professional who works with said people and explain that some people don't mean to be creepy and are genuinely doing the best they can to deal with their sexual feelings, but their brains work differently. This brings up another video idea: some things that happen between people are neither person's fault; sometimes situations just suck and no-one is to blame. I dunno, just a couple ideas to chew on.
David Kraft couldn't have put this better myself. For many years I had serious issues with any form of relationship with the opposite sex(also people in general, but the opposite sex was far worse). The worse thing about this was I didn't even know I was autistic until much later (literally 2 years ago).
I was told I was odd, weird or strange, by the opposite sex and as a result of that my problems got worse. From the age of 17 onwards I completely shut myself off to the outside world, literally didn't go out and socialise with anyone as I didn't feel a part of this society. I didn't actually lose my virginity until I was 24 and I can't even begin to tell you how bad that, and having zero attention from the opposite sex made me feel.
And like you, I am not that far along on the spectrum, but far enough that the social issues I had were (and still are to some degree) bad. Thankfully now I have a beautiful wife and an amazing son and my life is infinitely more better than it was, but the things I had to do to change my life around like that I can't even put into words, out of my comfort zone is putting it mildly.
Anyway I agree with you, there seriously needs to be more consideration for people like us. But where do we even start in a society that frowns upon anything that isn't normal?
I have a question about dating in the workplace (might make a good episode).
Almost every job I've had, there's been an attractive co-worker and/or supervisor and I wanted to ask them out, but there's a lot of stuff to consider when asking a co-worker out:
- If I ask this person out and it makes them uncomfortable or they say no, it might make future interactions awkward, so there's a high risk of that. I may really want to ask them out and it's torture to have to work with someone daily that you find amazing and attractive, but can't tell them because you're scared it will ruin any friendship.
- I can be respectful when asking them out (ask if I can hang out with them or buy them a drink/coffee/etc....). If they say no or seem uncomfortable, then apologize and say you won't bring it up again. But still, there's still a risk of ruining that positive workplace dynamic.
- There's also lots you can read into with any response they give. For example, If they say something like "I'm really busy this week, sorry" and don't try to reschedule for the future, then I assume that's just an excuse for not going out with me and I drop it. If they do try to make an attempt, then I know it's actually because they were busy.
- Something that's unfortunately common is to keep asking the person out despite them making constantly excuses or even saying no, but that's harassment.
- A supervisor-co-worker relationship is dangerous due to the potential abuse of the power dynamic, but I think it's possible if both parties are responsible, respectful, and maybe if they don't directly supervise you.
What do you think is the best way to ask a co-worker/supervisor out or is it not a good idea at all? What are some reactions people give when being asked out in these contexts and what are the appropriate/respectful responses?
I'd love to know your thoughts on any of this!
There's only so much you can do in some situations and then it depends on the other person if they make it awkward or it's already awkward to them. I think in this situation you're supposed to slightly flirt with the person to gauge their interest
Don't date people from work/school. It's that simple. If you do you're setting yourself up for failure. Go out/use tinder/approach people on the street. If you try the person will feel cornered and it'll stain your reputation there. If it works out and you end up dating the person, the relationship will always be tainted with "oh crap, if we break up it'll screw up the work environment" and if you do break up it will screw up the work environment. So just don't do it. Sorry if I was too direct, it's just to get my point across. Also, if you're having trouble with that sort of stuff, look up "rsdmax" here on youtube. The best of luck to you.
One really bad scenario you did not consider: you ask that person out, they agree, you date, then you break up and you break up bad. Real bad. Can you both keep working at the company? Won't it require half the company to work around your relationship issues? Jobs often last longer than especially young people's relationships, so this is an important thing to consider.
every relationship I have had with co-workers has not worked out, so I made the rule for myself that I wont date people from work again. each person is different tho and the only way to learn is to do it yourself. we are only human and make mistakes, if you understand all the risks and want to proceed that's up to you.
Well, on the one hand I have coworkers who dated and broke up and it got really awkward for them and everyone else after the fact. But on the other hand I know 2 people who married coworkers. One of them was dating someone who worked at another location though.
Dr. Doe, your videos are so informative and i am knowing so many things and trust me. i even applied this knowledge in my family life and am really happy. thanks to you and your channel. you uncover so many things during your explanation and i am glad you are doing it. The way you cover the topics are interesting and energetic. the information or clarity about the topic is 200%. You really made my life more beautiful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This video is why we all love you. You are the ideal woman, beautiful, sexy, sensual, articulate, extremely intelligent and make us feel proud of our sexuality, instead of ashamed of it. Your certainly gifted in your profession. It is tough not to be attracted to you because we don't often find people in life that are as enlightened as you and physically so attractive as well. Plus having such a positive and flirtations personality is just another part of your attraction. It is extremely sexy hearing a woman being so open and
experimental in her thinking. Thanks for all you do.
@Mr Temporal adverb. Or you could just call it a modifier.
But yes, you're right; it is a strong one.
Fred
Isn't this just the topic? Posting a comment containing thoughts you may absolutely think about, but you don't have to share it?
@@singingintherain4750 You say in a video ENTIRELY anout being open about your sexual thoughts/desires as long as it fits within the context of the video and said it's okay as long as you don't push yourself and keep pestering people.
Irony 100
r/woosh 100
Big brain 0
@@MrSuperbeast92 Isn't insulting them counter intuitive to the core message of sexplanations? to be ok to express yourself and not feel ashamed about it?
Yes, please clone yourself liberally.
Dr Doe is a beautiful person, inside and out, however that in no way justifies the extreme oversexualisation of her in some of those comments. This is a place to be open and positive, not to harass and cause discomfort.
At least some of that "oversexualization" isn't sexualization because it's stupid comments by adolescents who think they're being funny.
Sucking off a banana,seductively licking lips and moaning though isn't oversexualisation. How long have you been feminazi?
+Cryptonymicus You mean stupid comments by adolescents who think they're being funny....by oversexualizing her.
+Xylo Zalost I think the difference between a sexual demonstration by an individual and the oversexualization of the said person (resulting in discomfort) is pretty clear. Stop throwing around the word 'feminazi', it's lame.
"open and positive"? be open to sexualization, then. Without even talking about the "tongue-in-cheeckness" of some of these comments, etc, etc...
Thank you so much for this video, I had been wondering how you handle unfiltered comments. Personally, I don’t read the comments, other than the top few, so I haven’t seen them. You do great things here, I’m happy that you haven’t been scared away, please keep it up. BTW, I’m almost 68 and don’t concern myself with sex so much anymore, but I love to hear about it from you. Wish I’d have had this kind of teaching growing up.
Thank you for your openness, your directness, and your commitment to educating people on healthy sexual behavior and attitudes.
Thank you for this. I had trouble with this a few years ago and it affected my career. I wish I could send this video back in time.
Xach Allan me too! Shame on you, boss, for trying to pull rank and make me do things I didn’t and don’t want to do. No!
I wish your channel had been around back when I was a teenager. I have learned so much more from your videos than I ever did from sex ed class, or even my parents! You would have made my younger self a lot less awkward!
Environmental story telling at its finest : Shibari Rope (this is a kink positive space) , with a set of shears in it (this is a safe, well informed space), in a neutral pastel colour in keeping with the rest of the set (kink is not separate but part of this environment). Love it, high five who ever put that in.
oh hey I actually didn't even notice that (I guess that falls into that last point, it REALLY blends in with the rest of the set)
You are such a badass
Very important topic, it was hard in the past to find the right middle ground to communicate desire unoffensively. Now it's getting even more difficult. Thanks for this discussion.
Oh my fucking god! The segue you had into your sponsor was so stunningly epicly priceless! That was literally the most epic moment I've ever seen on RUclips! You're amazing!
Even by Sexplanations high standards, this was an impressively nuanced & thoughtful examination of an important (but *uncomfortable*!) topic. Thank you once again for providing a service to your viewers.
Lots of respect for this video. I remember watching this years ago and it's still relevant to me.
Love how passionate you are to keep educating people
Too cute Dr. Doe... Keep up the awesome job!!!!
Dr. Doe, you rock!
In my opinion, your channel is extremely educational and I think being respectful, educated, and mature can really take advantage of what you teach...Keep up the great work!!!
As someone going into the field of human development this channel is a great way learning tool as well as my college classes so thanks dr
Jesus Christ great video, I fking love how you "shut down" negative comments while at the same time teach us how to be respectful and comprehensive. I have enjoyed every second of all of the videos that I have seen from this channel, even to the point to intrigue me about sexology, heck I have consider becoming one just because of you (I'm 17 and still deciding what to study). Thanks for everything Dr. Doe!
btw I consider you to be my Tom Hiddleston, in a no fully sexual kinda fantastic imaginary way. I'll stay curious. \ (•◡•) /
I Thank you for your time and effort to cover so much information in such an informative manner. Being a Tennessee resident , I was not at all surprised what happened at your speaking engagement... Tennessee is one of the most beautiful states in the country with Forest that are now less dense than many of those that reside near them.
I have been diving into your content for a few days now and I'm sure I haven't covered it all yet so forgive me if any of my questions have already been covered ....
(1) in one topic you covered flirtatious behavior and unwanted advances and referred to a standard I had never heard of (half ones age plus 7 years ) I was wondering how you came up with that. I'm not trying to refute it mind you , just asking where it comes from?
My ex-wife whom I still live with , points out we have a daughter in college and some of the young ladies I compliment are of her generation, I always reply our daughter is getting older by the minute and so am I , pretty soon I won't be able to talk to any body...lol.
Just as an example , I am in my early 50's and there is a young lady in the cafeteria at work that I tell her she's as pretty as any model and I once told her that if I wasn't a hundred years older and we had gone to school together ,that I would have chased her all over the playground just to hold her hand , and give her half my sandwich ! she blushed...lol!
She and one of the other girls about 19-20 , will ask me to tighten a battery cable or put on some wiper blades on their cars , and I try to be like a dad because the boyfriends are worthless.
They are both smart and hard workers ...but they like the bad boys ...In and out of jail , and one wrecked one of the girls cars . Makes me nuts ... One day when they where both mad and raggin on the boys I said " if you put those two boys together in a shoe box you would have a pair of loafers!" Wasn't sure they would get it , but they giggled ....
Could you PDF that Chart? I think it's reasonable, easy to understand and overall a great tool!
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Dr Doe, I would like to give you a virtual hi five, because this video is amazing! (actually, this channel is amazing)
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you give me the same vibes as a nice aunt but not really because i would never discuss this stuff with family. anyways, thank you for all the help you give out! you are such a nice lady and i wish you nothing but goo fortune!
I like how she turned a no into the basis of a 7min video XD
Just googled the half your age plus 7 and... well, the information available is vague. Doc Doe - care to do a video about age difference in relationships?
HexerPsy Once she said "half your age plus seven " I immediately laughed and barked, "The Dog Rule! I've been following that one since the mid '80s."
Dr Doe, you are a wise and wonderful woman and at a different time and in a different context...
/me sighs
I was actually curious about this one myself. Not necessarily because I wasn't to date anyone outside the parameters but because I was curious as to if its an actual rule people tend to follow or what exactly its about. Just curious about more information.
Zackery Knapton It’s widely understood as the Western standard for maximum age gap, yes.
though it is a fairly soft taboo to break. (at least imo, and from knowing a few people that have broken it) you aren't gonna get majorly ostracized if you break it. *probably* at most there would be some disapproving sidelong glances, or name calling. (gold digger, cradle robber)
It is widely understood that schizophrenia is mental illness where a person has multiple personalities. Just because something is commonly "known" doesn't make it true.
Dr. Doe is such a strong person. This video is particularly impressive. This is probably the most balanced, reasoned explanation of consent and harassment around.
You are AWSOME, you are without a doubt the most mature insightful role model. I have a deeper insight into “intent and context’ and recognisin attention seekers vs genuine intentions. I missed so much growing up, everything was repressed and hidden in the 70s and 80s, at least in my world it was🙁
Thanks Doc, you are wonderful.
Curious where or how someone arrived at the ‘half your age plus seven’ formula?
I think it was Muhammad.
same
soaringvulture Seriously? How could anyone tell from his prolific sex exploits that’s a difficult sale.
Some guy - I think in the 18th or 19th Century - said the ideal age for a wife was half one’s age plus seven.
Some people have taken that and said the ‘socially acceptable’ age in any relationship is within half plus seven.
Not sure what socially acceptable means though - society is made up of lots of different people with lots of different views - don’t know why your personal feelings would be any less valid than anyone else’s. So not sure how to calculate anything precisely.
It’s arguably quite illiberal, if it’s telling consenting adults they can’t be with one another.
Like any generalisation it doesnt hold up to every example. I’d see it as more of a general guide. If you think the age gap is uncomfortable or weird it probably is.
4:48: I ran into the "half (the older person's age) plus seven" as an appropriate age for dating. I did the math and determined that nobody should be dating before age 14 (okay, that's not unreasonable). I am married, but sometimes when I meet someone I am attracted to (I'm married, not dead), I run the numbers anyway. In context, I'm kind of a math nerd; I once calculated how tall the stack would be if you made one copy of every possible Bingo card (on the back of a cocktail napkin while having drinks with my wife after playing Bingo). Anyway, I've discovered that a lot of women that I really connect with in a social context are "too young" (I'm talking about women over 25 here). It occurs to me that once a person is mature, in the words of Captain Barbossa in Pirates of the Caribbean, "...the Code is more what you'd call guidelines than actual rules...".
I digressed a bit. Does anyone know the source of this rule or guideline?
Such a serious video and she still manages to get in one of those kinky smiles at the end xD
I like the statement "for the survivors and perpetrators to recover", my personal opinion because a lot of people perpetrating do feel and understand the pain that they've caused
I think there are often multiple layers of consent, like sometimes it's a good idea to get consent before asking someone something personal about sex at all. It's not always black and white, but you can ease into the conversation and pay attention to how the person is reacting.
True, and when unsure, a "Can I ask you about XYZ?" is a perfectly socially acceptable way to ascertain that consent. Might come across as clumsy, but I'd rather be clumsy than for my question to come across as harassment.
If you need to get consent to ask for consent, you are in an infinite loop of perpetually asking for consent.
She be tough to date. Well spoken intelligent well educated.
And cute as a button.
I think she'd be easy to date. Open to communication, respectful of your feelings, and most importantly, your sex life would be awesome!
R T rr
how would that be tough again?
It wouldn't be tough but it might be pretty hard
I bet she's a freak.
Thank you for this whole episode. I was the shy kid in high school. Couldn’t even figure out how to ask a girl out. Grew up without having learned any filters when giving complements.
You are very attractive and your energy and passion in your presentations is refreshing and stimulating. Keep up the good work and please don’t block me. ☺️
I am... Somewhat distressed by the first two minutes of this video... I have watched Dr Doe's video series for several years now, and I suppose I've never looked at the comments.
Well, for what it's worth, I think you are an amazing person Dr Doe, and I consider any other parasocial feelings I may or may not have for you inappropriate to express in this context.
Thank you for being straight forward. Btw, your teeth look great.
Hello! I'm not dating now-a-days, been with the same woman for six years now. However, I do know that dating was challenging before and it appears to be vastly more challenging now. I appreciate you recognizing that acceptable dating practices were poor in the past and are currently a moving target, especially for men, and taking the time to give us concrete tools to move forward with grace and respect. Kindest regards.
"Appearing less energized" sounds to me like an awfully ambiguous form of communication
Careful, lest we bring light to something that creates even more asymmetry in how men and women exert control in the dating milieu....
"Appearing less energized," meaning seeming distracted, not as focused on you and the conversation between you. If you are unsure, asking if she'd like to change the subject may give you more clear communication.
If you are paying attention it usually becomes clear. Know when to fold em
Where does the age rule come from?
Rule of thumb that gets often quoted. It's about power imbalances. Power imbalances can exist in many ways, for example when one person is financially or emotionally dependent on the other (like within families or between the recievers and givers of aid), when one person holds power over the other's career (like a boss and an employee), or also when the amount of life experience is very different - like when there's a relatively big age difference.
In all of these cases a relationship can be perfectly healthy. It is just much less likely to be.
Stultum Stulto I guess I asked for that.
No, thankyou for such a thoughtful response.
The first time I encountered the rule was xkcd 314: "dating pools", but I'm sure it's been around longer.
Stultum: it's not about power imbalances; it's about social bias against age differences. It's really no better than any other social norm not firmly rooted in rational principles.
'Power imbalances' is simply the post-hoc justification people have come up with, just as they had similar (and equally nonsensical) justifications against interracial relationships, homosexuality, sex before marriage, etc.
I remember reading some time ago that it was some archaic metric for choosing "an appropriate wife", but I can't verify. That said, it's a pretty universally agreed upon rule of thumb now to determine if the interaction is acceptable or not.
Gotta thank and commend Dr Doe, she's intelligent, open minded and funny, and her content's always entertaining, informative and non-judgemental regardless of the topic, it's rare to see all that in one and it's great that she takes the time to make it. If I ever needed a clinical sexologist, and I had the money, Dr Doe would be my first choice.
i disagree with the age thing. half your age plus seven is completely arbitrary and weird. my girlfriend is 30+ years older than me and i would have hated for her to think she couldn't flirt with me. i get that it was about cultural acceptance but i disagree that it should be taught as a tool to gauge whether an interaction is appropriate..
socially inappriopriate does not meant that it has to be inappropriate or bad overall. Just because something is generally seen in a way, does not mean that it always has to be right. Just 500 years ago, there was no school system or any school at all, beyond some priest schools, in Europe. But we all know how good education can be, as seen in this video.
That doesn't mean that any age difference is okay. But as long as you're adult and it works out for the both of you, I would agree with you.
That's for men. To avoid Statutory Rape Charges.
FacebookWasDown - Ah the age thing. I think Dr. Doe meant it more as a guide than a hard fast rule. The heart will usually get what it wants. I was a baby fat 18 and met the most awesome 3 time mother of 31. We were married 28 years. Bless her heart! How did she ever put up with hormonal me? Over the years, we realized we had passed 'and noticed' each other, publicly, at least 3 times. After one passing meeting, I turned to my sister and very uncharacteristically said "I'm going to marry that woman one day!". We both thought I was nuts. Must have been destiny... I wish you and your girlfriend the best.
This half your age rule plus seven is a really old rule (which does not make it obsolete) ... and there are good reasons for it that are to the benefit of both people intended for yours and your spouse's happiness and well being over a long life together. Its not the law; its a rule of thumb ... so whatever floats your boat and good luck with your relationship ... just so long as you understand the downsides.
I just detected a female specimen of my species having a rarely high tolerance and acceptance of males with extremely low social skills. I consider requesting to mate with you.
The point.
Your head.
Pls stop,also if you tried going out maybe you'd find someone,don't stay so locked up,try going out
@@ameladaptivedaydreamer949 Considering the current state of the world and the quarantine. This comment has not aged well.
Please, now is not the time to go outside. Stay locked up. Don't find anyone.
@@matthewrich2029 As you aid it didn't aged well,however let me remind you that it's been a month.....people are going to take the time it was posted in consideration
@@ameladaptivedaydreamer949 Oh, I know. I'm just being cheeky and trying to be funny.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate your guidance in this area. I myself never know when I should or shouldn't ask someone out or make my intent known because I am surrounded by a culture that is hypersensitive about harrassment and even a simple, innocent question can be taken the wrong way. I just wish we could all be nicer about something that is already so awkward
Half your age, plus seven
I started to calculate in my head, but then I thought: oh wait, this doesn't apply to me, they'd have to be over 18 anyway.
I'm 22...
Well according to this video half of 22 plus 7 is 18 and not acceptable.
@@sal2975 I just meant 18 and up. Should have worded it better I guess.
The rule doesn’t say over 18.
That would be a separate rule you might think should apply.
Plot twist it's still my age
lower bound: as above
upper bound: age - 7, doubled
This is by far, the best retort to the offenders...
I am speechless. I think you are amazing all the way around. If people cant understand that respect should always be given to a woman regardless of the position held, they shouldn't be blessed with your presence. There is nothing wrong with expression but there is a positive way to Express that. I would be so grateful to continue to watch your videos. Thank you.
ok well i feel less guilty about my primary use of this channel now. Thanks
sounds like you have confidence issues
From your videos you come across as an amazing woman in every way, if i said i don't wanna hit on you, i would be lying my ass off lol
But i will say i appreciate your sexuality and see beauty in every part of what makes you who you are that you show us and your boyfriend is such a lucky guy!
I wish you the best!
being a youtube addict I see and look for a lot of different interests . . . finding your channels has been so fantastic and such a blast watching and learning . . . this particular video has been very interesting . . . I think the one thing that attracted me to your channel was your open and honest enthusiasm .. . . I hope you continue for a long time
lets be honest.
Sex Ed classes in high school=Walmart
Sexplanations=Chanel
make the right choice.
Im a gay guy but this show is still a great way for me to get in the mood before moving over to porn, all the while learning a ton of cool and interesting shit. Keep it up gurl.
Dr. Doe, I recently discovered your posting and find them amusing, but it took me awhile to figure out who you reminded me of. I have a tendency to watch retro TV shows and one of which is "Father Knows Best". You have a striking resemblance to the oldest daughter on the show played by Elinor Donahue. Now I really laugh because of the contrast between the wholesome 1950's context of the TV show, and your subject matter and dialogue in your presentations here.
Needless to say, I enjoy....you're very entertaining...….I can only imagine what it would be like to actually know you in "real life". I would gather there would never be a dull moment....
This was awesome
I have a request...can ya do a series on older men?? the issues, what causes them and most important is how to fix them or get around them or something.. while the body may be getting on in years the brain still says 17...I e young..help...please
As an older guy (78) and having been very happily married for 65+ years to very sexually active women, I certainly can't complain. Yet, I find Dr Doe to have many things that I can still learn from. Keep up the good work.
Diabetes was killing my erections, Viagra has made me feel 18 again.
Terrific idea! I too have many questions as I get older and things change personally as well as culturally.
@Daver G Guess my math is faulty, eh? I actually got married when I was 17 - still in high school (stupid, eh?) It lasted a total of 5 years or so, then I was married for 44.5 years, my first soul mate but lost her to cancer. Then I met and married my second soul mate - yes you can have more than one soul mate. We have been together for 10 years (married for almost 9 now) - I seem to be the marrying type, eh? Except for wife #1 I have had wives that were compassionate, sexy, intelligent, fun loving, and just about everything else you could ask for in a marriage. God had a hand in selecting those wives.
@Daver G Gosh Daver, how much time do you spend trying to catch other's errors. I never said that the revised total was anywhere near 65 now did I? It is actually 58.5 BUT my current wife and I were together 1.5 years before we got married - to guard against my children being bothered by my quick coupling. We were "married" long before we actually had a ceremony. I therefore claim 60 years of marriage. My current wife and I had both lost our spouses to bladder cancer. She has a total marriage time of 50 years so combined, we have 110 years of marriage experience. We're looking forward to at least another 20 years of life and marriage, maybe more as my mother lived to 99, father lived to 96, grandmother lived to 104, aunts lived to 96 and 102 respectively, grandfather lived to 92, so I've got a great shot at 100. Wish a long life to you. And to Lindsey as well, she is a great inspiration and great person.
Dr. Doe, you are a role model for me and I share your videos with all of my young friends who live in places where they were not provided sex ed or are shamed out of asking questions. With your videos as tools, I've helped educate about consent, about exploring one's desires, and sorting through the hormonal mess that is puberty without doing harm to oneself or others. The fact that you are open, candid, and don't shy away from any topic is why you make such a great resource, and I am proud to spread your work throughout the internet pipelines to those who need them most.
Also, I got a boss vibrator for half price with that promo code, thanks for all the O's. :3
The only RUclipsr that will tell you to stop trolling the comments, get a clear fleshlight, and enjoy the show. ❤
Sit back, lube up, don't hate, masterbate