I learned that if someone is doing this; don't explain why, don't try to turn the conversation around, and don't try to be nice. Just smash that block button and move on. They don’t respect and therefore, deserve none of your time.
I totally agree with you, and I think something that has really helped me navigate these kind of relationships is by creating well defined expectations. I know what I want out of someone when I walk into a conversation, and I do well to quickly find out what they want too. Love energy is important for me to figure out. And if someone is giving me the wrong kind or not respecting my boundaries. I.e. making me feel uncomfortable when I tell them I’m not looking for anything physically and just like to be friends with people before I think about a relationship, than I stop investing energy there. I only want to invest energy into people who treat me at the standard that I require, and because I value my time and know that I have a lot of value to offer others, that standard is really high.
Yes I have come to the same conclusion, block them and move on. I can then forgive them once they are in the rear view mirror of my life at a safe distance.
I wonder if adult grooming happens mainly to adult survivors of Sxual abuse???? I hope no-one else feels like this BUT I feel like I'm forever marked with a scarlet letter that attracts predators....soul crushing really
I was groomed by my best friend's step-dad. Long story short...I was living with them because my own family is awful and abusive. They were like the perfect "parents" that I never had. My friend went off to boot camp for the Army, and that's when the evil creeper started his grooming process. I was only 19, I am autistic, and I was super naieve when I was young.
They are not perfect parents at all. It was a lie, a sham. If people pretend to be perfect then run away. Even the most spiritually mature person would never claim perfection for themselves. Fakers broadcast their 'perfection' at every opportunity. Where they wealthy with a nice looking home and throwing money around? That doesn't make people perfect parents, not even good parent. A good parent is a good example to their child, is loving and consistent but will also point out to their child when they are in error.
I went through something similar. I started going over to my best friends house when I was 16. As soon as I turned legal, he proclaimed I was his soul mate. I had horrible guilt because I felt like if I said something, I would destroy her family. Or I would have to lose my best friend. He stalked me through my 20s. I've noticed this happen again with another dad figure (age 32-34). Lots of these things that happened with your friend (video) are happening. Especially the apologizing and then "I don't remember saying that." And it's like he's being believed when he waits to be inappropriate until we're alone together. Thanks for your video, it's been super confusing and I've felt really depressed/lost.
I honestly think we try and see the best in people so we assume the person really isnt that crude. its like a form of denial that something this disguising is happening to us. its sureal
I only do it because I have almost no impulse control. I'd be perfectly content with attacking and trying to murder a bad person. Which is why I have to believe that all people have a good side.
My experience happened 21 years ago. I was a single 27-year-old man at the time, and my predator was a 29-year-old MARRIED woman with a newborn! How I got on her radar was that I had become friends with her husband. He was a bit rough around the edges, but basically fine. We got on pretty well. His job involved shift work, and one week he was on a big double shift during the day. That's when she started chatting to me on a regular basis. She was "bored and lonely" with her husband spending so long at work. Just as you describe in your video, it was relatively innocuous at first, but her predatory behaviour escalated rather quickly. Even in the earliest conversations, she pushed boundaries, but they weren't sexual ones initially. It was more that she would ask questions that were slightly too nosey. But if I expressed irritation, she would say things like, "I'm just curious" or "Friends are supposed to share things with each other". So subtle guilt-tripping. Then when she DID begin to get sexual, she would quickly pretend that she was only joking. However, quite often she would make the same inappropriate comment several days later, and this time it would be clear that she wasn't joking. She began to become quite domineering. For example, she made a "rule" that we had to talk with each other for at least two hours a day. She also demanded that I e-mail her every day, even though we were talking online (making e-mail rather redundant). She even asked for my bank PIN at one stage! (I refused.) On learning that I keep a diary, she asked me to send it so she could read it! (I declined that "request" too.) She also wanted my home phone number, which was unlisted (I never gave that to her, despite her nagging me for it several times.) One of the more bizarre things she did was send me a video of her wedding and demand that I watch it! I did watch it (she asked questions about it) and sent it back a day or two later. She also "proposed" by asking, "If I was single, would you have married me?" (I said I didn't know - really, I should have said a flat no, but I didn't want to upset her.) I should have cut her out of my life, but the catch was her husband. I didn't want to end my friendship with him, especially since he had done nothing wrong. So I tolerated all this garbage from her (though I did enforce SOME boundaries!) to stay friends with him. Although I knew there was something seriously wrong with this woman, I actually did the second-guessing thing you talked about. I sometimes thought I was judging her too harshly. I gave her the benefit of the doubt way too often. Eventually, she made a full-on pass at me. Basically one night, she said she wanted to have phone sex with me. I refused and reminded her that she was married. After I got offline, I distinctly remember feeling incredibly stressed and having tightness in my chest. Thought I might be having a heart attack, but it was just tension and nothing more. (About a month later, I had more chest pains and actually went to hospital for a check-up, and they said my heart was completely normal and the problem was likely a pulled chest muscle.) Even though this was all online, what she did that night felt extremely violating. And that chest pain was my physical response to that sense of violation. Anyway, she acted all contrite at first, but it wasn't long before she was being inappropriate again. She claimed that she had "feelings" for me and "couldn't just turn them off". I told her several times that she was cheating (or trying to cheat) on her husband, but she just didn't care. Her feelings were the only thing that seemed to matter to her. Oh, and I might add that she gave me the whole "Don't tell anyone about this" spiel. However, I did talk to some people about her, and one of them advised me to cut ties with her. So I did, but it meant ending my friendship with her husband at the same time (I never told him the real reason, just said I couldn't be friends anymore, pretty much). I felt bad about doing that to him when he had done nothing wrong. He probably deserved to know what his wife was doing. But I was scared that if he divorced her, it would then be easier for her to come after me properly. I figured she was less of a danger to me if she remained tied to her husband and baby. So that's why I didn't tell him - I was actually more afraid of him believing me than not believing me! That still wasn't the end though. She harassed me by e-mail for a good month and a half before finally giving up on me. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but I learned a lot from it. One thing I learned is that predators don't always fit the stereotypical profile. The "classic" predator is a single male. This woman, being married and a new mother (quite young and attractive too), was about the last person you might expect to be a predator. But she was as psycho as they come. I know I've gone on a bit, but I haven't told you the half. Anyway, since that ghastly experience, I have become a lot more ruthless at keeping predators and other abusive types at bay. If anyone makes me uncomfortable, I just block them without standing on ceremony. I nip potential problems in the bud, because they can get out of hand very rapidly if you're not careful. The biggest warning sign really is violation of boundaries. They don't have to be sexual boundaries in the early stages. The woman who preyed on me started by violating more "innocent" boundaries before escalating to openly sexual stuff. Now anyone can probably violate a boundary accidentally. But the difference between a normal person and a predator is that a normal person will apologise and make sure they don't cross that boundary again. Once the line is clear to them, they steer well clear of it. A predator on the other hand will try to make you feel bad about defending your boundaries. Even if they apologise, they'll do it in a passive-aggressive way (e.g. "I'm sorry if you felt offended by that little joke"), thus still making you feel bad. That's when you should cut and run. Anyway, many thanks for this very informative video.
@@supernova2897 Yes, for a brief period of time. Quite often too, when I wanted to end a conversation, she would say, "I haven't finished talking to you yet!" and try to keep it going longer. One time she got so ridiculous with it (where I would keep trying to politely say goodbye and she would keep ordering me to stay) that I just shut the instant messenger off and later told her I'd do the same again (because of course, she had the nerve to complain about my "rudeness" when she was being rude by not respecting my wish to leave the conversation).
It's only now sinking in that I was groomed and sexually abused by my ex who was also a long time friend. He knew I was asexual and entirely inexperienced with relationships and had never been intimate with anyone, and that I'd suffered sexual abuse as a child, and he promised to take things slow and that I never had to do anything I didn't want to. But it was a complete lie. He almost immediately became intensely handsy, even in public where I'd feel too mortified to say no, and he'd say he just needed that in a relationship and that he just liked me so much. I wanted to trust him because I thought he knew better than me, and I thought as old friends he wouldn't want to hurt me. But it kept escalating, he took things into scarier and emotionally intense territory, pushing me to agree to things I wasn't at all ready for by saying I was safe, it was normal, it would make him happy. He began saying degrading things with a huge smile, he would infantalize me in bed which caused me massive confusion and terror due to my past trauma, and he would bite me hard enough to leave these ugly painful bruises without asking and say they meant I was his. Finally one night he strangled me without even a warning. I was shocked and scared but by then I'd already learned to ignore my pain and distress so I told myself I wanted that too. I finally stood up for myself to him for a different matter altogether and he instantly discarded me. I'm no-contact now but I still feel so much horror and shame, it's like all the pain I fought so hard to overcome as a child has repeated. I still miss him like an addiction, and I feel so much self-hatred for that, but I want to push forward anyway, I'm hoping if I keep at it I'll stop feeling so low.
@@ecomamaadmin3328they see the trust of such a person as a badge of honor. The whole “I’m different from the rest, as she/he caved into my wishes” way of thinking.
Keep on pushing on and remember if he ever comes back around, he has nothing new to say. The lies will be a bit more elaborate but the intention behind them will be exactly the same…to prey on you for supply. I find educating yourself about their schemes helps a lot.
I was groomed at 19 by my driving instructor and he took advantage of my naivety. He would buy me full meals and shower me with compliments. Then, he would touch me against my will like forcing me to hug him. Then whenever I messed up my driving or made mistakes, he would pull over to scream at me. Contrary to what many people believe, just because someone is over 18, that doesn’t automatically make it ok and it’s JUST as wrong as if it happens to a child. I just want to spread more awareness on adult grooming and how harmful it can potentially be.
While true, it is wrong as well, what is also true, is that, as that age there is less protections, you are supposed to have formed your 'people' at that stage. The people that you can rely on, and go to. It is like the neutrality towards the medics in war. While it is wrong, it is your responsibility at 19, not your father, brother, or sisters.
I’m so thankful I stumbled across this message. I had a terrible experience with a church elder some time back. It was horrible. When I came forward with the truth of who this individual was and what he did to me, he flipped it on me and lied to his spiritual peers. Because of who he was in the church (he owns the actual church building, huge financial backer, elder, adult Sunday school teacher, etc) my plea for help was swept under the rug, and I got tagged with being a trouble maker. I obviously left this church. This man is dangerous and untouchable. He gets away with pure evil, under the cloak of being a “super Christian.” My trust has never been more violated. I’m still trying to heal both myself as well as my relationship with church in general. Your message was validating. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, and knew exactly what his behaviors were. I did what I was supposed to do, and the church failed me.
Damn girl I surely feel your pain my father was a pastor and ran away for the same reason (taking the perpetrators’ side because of his popular/position) and now in situation dealing with a 52 year old man @28 because I told him my life story . It’s scary to find out you been comfortable sleeping next to the enemy and prey on vulnerable women
I've never met anyone who said "ok, ok, I'll behave lol" who didn't end up being a toxic person. They know what they're doing is transgressive. They wanted to get away with it. They're playing it off as a joke. That right there is a huge red flag for me. Not just because they know they're violating boundaries, but that also indicates this is part of a pattern for them.
I was groomed and emotionally abused and manipulated last year. He was a teacher figure, 37 years old. I was 24. He did exactly what Sarah described. First he started texting me about random things, not sexual at first, but he was definitely testing the waters. Then it got sexual. He would play it off as a joke and call me "buddy" and a "good friend", and that we could talk about anything with no secrets. He would complain about his life and his marriage. He even said that he'd only agreed to have a baby because of how worried his wife was about her clock ticking. I had tried to cut him off and it resulted in full force manipulation. Complete guilt and shame on my part. I felt so badly that I let him back in. It went on for a couple of months and I'm grateful that it only lasted that long. There are a ton of things I wish I had done differently. I feel so much shame for my part in it. I feel like I should have stopped it so many times but I just let it continue and progress. I'm better now, but it's definitely been a difficult process and remains to be. It's taken me a year and a half to accept that grooming can happen to adults, too. I thought that since I wasn't a minor I should have known better. This video has definitely helped to validate everything that I've felt about what happened.
It has happened to me too and I thought I really knew about predators but was really blindsided by him. What I noticed is that they will rush you into a position of 'friend' and then not long after that they will say you are like 'family' and then soon after that they will refer to you as though you are their spouse (even if they are already married). If you are willing to stay in that role as fake spouse long enough they then will start to love bomb and future fake you into an abusive and coersively controlling relationship (just like a child abuser). Sometimes these people are just after what they can get quickly with no ties and no care for the devastation they do but some are in it for the 'long game'.
I've actually had a relationship with such person... he tested my boundaries... at first I was kinda naive... i didn't know much about most of the inappropriate stuff he used to talk about... but I really felt like I resonated with him... he started talking privily and then when he saw that I was love stuck he gave me an ultimatum... i accepted whatever he said... slowly... it just got worst... i would still come back to him... he didn't isolate me from my family but he did talk bad about them... talked bad about stuff that I liked... he used to mask it with "oh I'm just very protective and possessive about you" and I still fantasized about him as a future great husband and a perfect companion... and slowly whenever I would bring up something wrong he did,... he would guilt me... anyways... that is what happened... I've come out of it... but that habit of talking to him is still something i am fighting... so i started searching what it all meant... what did he really do... what i think is all sexual predators are like joe(from you)... they are so loving and caring and act perfect but in reality, they just want to have you as their possession
One of the greatest human desires is to have power and control. Even if it is over just one person. I personally see this as "emotional and mental slavery", where one person has full control over your emotions. Like, we end up giving so much leverage to this one person, that if he wants, he can send us into a state of emotional turmoil. Never submit yourself mentally and emotionally to another person. I know, as women, we want that one special man in our lives, who should feel protective and possessive about us, but the sort of toxic behaviour of this guy that you described, is completely unacceptable in all forms. The craving of wanting to talk to him might seem like a drug to you right now. One of the ways to battle this feeling is to remember very strongly of all the shit that he made you go through and the fact that he NEVER had any RESPECT or REGARD for you as a HUMAN BEING. He denied you, rather robbed you of the basic human dignity that you deserved. He treated you like his toy. And you shouldn't feel hurt. Rather, you should feel Indignant. If you focus on feeling Indignant, and build up on that emotion, then you yourself will not feel like talking to him. Because your life demands Respect and Regard. So why would you even want to be associated with someone who didn't see you as a human being, but as his toy?
This whole thing made me cry! Because I just realised this is mostly all exactly what I have experienced and now I am shocked and realise I have been groomed.
Thank you also for talking about grooming happening to adults…I think this is what has been so helpful about the video- spelling out what this looks/feels/sounds like when it is happening between two adults.
Wow girl your nice but it isn't your responsibility to make others happy by giving yourself to them. Not saying u are. But you can tell them something nice or encouraging but never give yourself. That guilt trip is wrong don't let your emotions control you. It's jus a feeling. U have t dominate the feeling. Is like being mad and not behaving mad. Same thing. After a while you will have control over your emotions. But you have to go against the feeling every time.
A man 30 years older than me groomed me for five years. He still tested the waters even after I got married and my husband sent him multiple very clear cease-and-desists.
yes - my wife was groomed by our former pastor (as was I and our family and his family since grooming doesn't happen in a vacuum) for 5 months. It's insane the damage that can be done by people; especially a trusted person in a pastoral position.
I have learned keep your awareness up whenever meeting someone who is charismatic, people who are charismatic always have something shady about them. I know because I am socially awkward at times but say whats on my mind
Someone groomed my mother and he threatened to kill me in front of her. Then she said "Get over here now! He's going to try to kill you! Don't touch my child!" but because I went through a kidney failure and I was pumped up on steriods I turned around and looked him in the eye and said "If you even dare try to touch me I'm going to mother fucking stab you." He shat himself so badly and he left the house because he didn't expect a 13 year old to sound like a boss.
LOL. That is AWESOME! You sounded like I am every day....I can't help it since I finally became confident and know God loves me...I see myself as a Tigerwoman - and so do others and they wish they were me...I teach them what I know and my new perspective...and it's working. Men and women are getting free of fear and cowardice and oppression. You go TigressAurelia girl!
Can you also talk about Harleyquinn and Joker type relationships. I keep almost falling to those relationships due to my empathy nature of feeling sorry for abusive men?
Gosh! I can't even explain how I see comments so similar to what I had undergone! Empaths tend to see the best in people. It's such a gifted quality but I wish I wasn't it anyway. Practicing calling a spade, a spade. We've got to see people for who they really are and not how they make us feel.
Over the course of two years I got groomed by own female primary care physician, MARRIED mother of FOUR boys, attractive and 18 years younger than me ultimately culminating in her molesting me under the pretense of ‘an annual physical.’ This was my initiation into the world of narcissistic abuse. It was quite a feat to break free from it. But now I have a phobia of doctors and healthcare providers, male, female or otherwise.
Thank you so much for this video- it completely mirrors the experience I had with a predator that managed to do major damage to my life; you have helped me stop blaming myself, after 3 years of grappling with what happened and the resultant fall-out. I feel really thankful to have come across your video today. 🙏
I am a push over cause of how I grew up. And a people pleaser. I hate it... So I understand when she says, not sure where the conversation is heading and not want to assume and be seen as bad. That’s my whole being really, and it sucks. Cause it makes it hard to stand up for myself cause I’m trying to empathize with the other person and hate people not liking me... my first relationship really affected me in a bad way. I still go back and forth to this day if it was his fault or mine or if he didn’t know what he was doing or if it was normal... but I was very shy, I didn’t mind holding hands or kissing a little but anything more and I was very uncomfortable with... he wanted to take the next steps in the relationship and I kept telling him I wasn’t ready. He would ask me every time I saw him if I was ready and it got exhausting trying to deflect his come-ons for more... I liked him but he was very pushy and didn’t seem to care about my values or boundaries... I was very uneducated in sexual matters... I would keep telling him no until I just wouldn’t say anything and one day it happened. I didn’t do anything I just froze cause at that moment letting him do that to me was easier than continuing to fight him... I hate the way I was thinking but I was froze... I didn’t agree to it and he should have known how I felt about it all and how uncomfortable I was............. my past boyfriends have said I love you too soon and idk if that’s a guy thing or what but after a while makes me feel guilty and so I start saying it after a while even if I don’t necessarily mean it cause I don’t wanna loose the relationship...
Oh. It's hard being in that kind of relationship. He didn't respect you. I don't know why but I'm always prone to be a target, I always run away. I'm hoping you're okay now.
He didn’t respect you not because you are not someone Worthy of Respect. Know that you are Someone Worthy of Respect. He disrespected you because he was a bad ‘guy’…. Not a man but he Knew his intentions…. Boys who say ILY Too Soon say that just to get in your pants… Note: the Best thing is to be Honest w yourself,& your feelings& what you think about the guy. Manipulators will say ILY, coz they want Something…. You don’t Owe Anyone Anything just coz they said ILY or did something nice for you.
Thank you for making this video. I’ve been groomed as a child and teen before, wasn’t sure it could happen as an adult, but recently as an adult I now am realizing that I have been groomed online.
Thank you for bringing attention to this happening to educated adults as well. I am an educated person with a degree (and a good paying job at the time) and this happened to me. And no I'm not a woman so thanks for bringing attention to the fact that this happens to men as well.
I went through this a few years ago in a church and still feel shame about it. There was a narcissistic leader in a church who targeted me and he ended up being manipulative, a gaslighter and just all around a piece of doo do. He would stare at me for really long periods of time without saying a word. Never spoke or said a word but the predatory stare, which gave me the strong impression he wanted to dominate me. When I told someone else at the church exposing their behavior they launched a smear campaign against me. One of my good friends became their flying monkey and I developed panic attacks as a result of this. It’s awful, truly awful what these monsters do to people. My spidey senses went off when this man approached me knowing my hometown and details about me that I have never ever shared with him or barely anyone in the church.
After the mischief comment I would have been done with the conversation. Any woman who has spoken to men online already knows what direction he is going at that point.
Very relatable faith based context and all I wish I seen this earlier ! My friends Dad did alot of this for 7 years and I’ve known him and them for 10+ years ! He patiently waited and made a move years down the line when he felt I was an appropriate age. He kissed me while married with children ! I expressed my discomfort although I’d always trusted this person for years and they’d always shown themselves to be a stand up guy. The inappropriate jokes and comments often and comments often on my beauty / body shape. Even in front of his wife and it being excused as a part of their personality by everyone including myself. It’s devastating 😔 What has happened more recently is fresh and heartbreaking !
Grooming works because people decide to be emotional rather than racional. Degrees doesn't help you to descover peoples intentions. Sometimes I hear well educated people talking about this and they have no idea how that works. I'm originally from Mexico. I lived in apartments where traffickers organisms used to live. Human traffickers members are very friendly, respectfull, kind, etcetera. I saw 30s beautiful girl being groomed (I was very young at that time, I didn't know what grooming was) High educated people are same vulnerable because lot of them lived in good areas. They don't understand malicious in other levels.
So when I was in college with slightly older brother, he had a much older friend (and later roommate) who was 17 yrs older than me (I was 18-19) at the time from Vietnam. All the times we first encountered one another, he would approach me first rather boldly. He was something along the lines of a misanthrope, and he'd easilly talk about how scummy the world was and people (especially men) were. So he was a pretty controversial person, but he was nice to me and made me feel special. Sort of sought me out. So I liked him none the less. Over time though, my feelings for him grew, to the point where it was even hard for me to focus on my studies, and I was easily jealous, because while he made me feel special and said things like "you're my favorite" or "i adore you" or even jokingly "you're mine" he was a flirt and said similiar things to other people even if I was sitting right there. It made me jealous even of my own friends. (Also he was engaged at the time, but she was back in Vietnam. I acknowledge I was wrong letting myself have feelings for him) it was hell. Ultimately, I didn't try to get him to like me back, I just wanted to be with him. But eventually I found out that he KNEW iI had feelings for him. But he didn't say anything to me about it, rather I only knew after my brother called me angry one morning after he had told my brother. Me and him quickly "talked it out" and remained friends (my bro also stayed his friend, but was becoming suspicious of him) but I remember him saying he shouldn't have even told my brother, because of how my brother reacted. Honestly looking back, I wonder if he was seeking some kind of approval from my brother :/ alot more happened in this story that ultimately led to my mom stepping in and telling me to cut contact with him altogether, but getting over him was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. And not just because I had feelings for him, but in my eyes, he was my bestfriend above all. I'm still processing the idea that had bad intentions for me, but I think that if his imprint on me was this strong, then maybe manipulation was involved? He was very good at reading people. And psychology in general. Could he have been grooming me?
I'm not sure if he might have been grooming you, but he definitely doesn't sound like a guy who can be dependable and trustworthy. If he was already engaged but was still telling you things like "you're mine" (even if jokingly), then it was definitely NOT OKAY. Moreover, from your description, it seems like he was an outrageous flirt as well, which is also highly inappropriate, given the fact that he was engaged. All in all, please consider it a blessing that he went away from your life. And please don't be so hard on yourself about having feelings for him, because that is something which happens naturally, and no one has control over whom they end up developing feelings for. Please learn to love yourself. ❤️ You are precious. 😇
@@DhritiDasgupta Dude, I didn't think anyone was going to reply to this, you have no idea how much your words mean to me. The biggest thing that's made it easier to move on is having people who don't judge and acknowledge my feelings as valid, without denying the truth of course. And at least with this experience it's opened my eyes to certain behaviors and red flags to watch out for Please continue to encourage others, God bless you ❤
3:37 I never yell at people for rambling because I genuinely want to hear the rest of what people have to say, unlike most I care about every part of the conversation
Would you consider teaching this in the school system? My school required a "values" course with a passing grade. I am a child sexual assault survivor who was later exploited. I did not hear the word " grooming " until the nassar trial....45 years after the first assault and 35 years after the grooming and exploitation. You are so clear and correct. This is a maturity I never want missed or squandered in myself, spouse, children, family, or friends.
My older cousin groomed me and I did not realize it until recently, but I'm now so attached to him now that I can't bear to leave him. I love him so much. :'(
From someone telling me what to do and seriously trying to manipulate me and isolate me from so many things that define peer pressure and grooming. being groomed at 20 years old right now is very sad and depressing. He kept telling me "Alcohol got people laid" and I just was not interested when he said that he just wanted to make me think I should drink when I turn 21. My creepy neighbor just kept going on and on about all these things I should do. I'm a guy who is not interested in substances or anything, I rather stay sober and be born with it forever.
As a 58 year old Christian man I can say that I have never been pressured for sex by a woman. The pressure men get from women is for money. I worked with a man who was 60 years old divorced and retired from the state of Arizona with a good pension. He met a 35 year old woman in church (I believe) with six kids. She was real friendly and they dated a very short time and then got married. After a year or so the woman said that there was too many last names in the house so he adopted her six kids. Once the adoptions were completed she divorced him and demanded child support for the six kids which he had to pay. When a woman stares at me and is friendly I ask myself how much is this woman going to cost me?
Over compliments at first, over time compliments turn to subtle insults, taking every opportunity to change the conversation to sex. Tests your boundaries, you feel afraid to tell them no etc. Gross people out there.
Thank you for bringing this to light in order to help many understand what they cant see. I just came across this video in my want and time of trying to heal from a lot. My boss which was also the owner of the business I worked for spent the time to do first exactly what you said- hind sight is 20/20 unfortunately and everything is a learning experience in the harshest way. First he did exactly what you said, I presume now of testing. Then he did disregard, putting things in a power motion of I am to be disrespected, degraded, devalued, or I would be disregarded, and I struggled on trying to make relations better, blaming myself, thinking if he knew me he would treat me better, and went through a lot of confusion and not understanding, and I didn't want to come across as a prude, hard, not easy to get along with, or make him dislike me or angry, I went through all of that, and fear of losing my job. He then spent another over a year and half bullying me, slandering me, manipulating everything and everybody, negating all my efforts, messing with me and my job in several ways, humiliating me in front of others, saying im not to be trusted, and making me feel I have to always defend myself and try to explain, and always making me feel that it is me, that im a problem, so I kept questioning myself and trying to handle everything. Then he got worse and sent an email that I would meet with him or be fired, I said no, and said please no and that I cant, and he said if I don't meet within that same week I am fired. He came to my home, I got into his van, and he persisted to touch different parts of my body as i kept moving his hands, he didn't care, and he wanted in my home, i said no again, he continued to press and tell me its my fault for how ive been treated and if i want good relations type of talk and way of what he was doing. Then he would fire me and give me my job back, and would knock on my door and bring things like olives and flowers and i wouldn't open my door, it was several times, and i would ask him to please don't, and kept asking him why he was doing what he was doing. Then he went from bullying, to saying he was in love to asking can we be friends to asking me to help him that he was going through things, and asking for me to help him with the business , but at the same time- everything he was doing, he was saying to people that i was the one doing it, i had cried out to several people in the company about it, nobody would help. I don't know what i thought anybody could do to help but, i was alone in it all. He got worse. I tried to appease him, then it was that threat. Things got really bad. Ultimately, my entire well being was really affected, and long story short, i got fired for the final time. He had wanted to fire me but also wanted to have sex with me before pushing me out the door and wanted my help in the harming of me and my life in order for him to get away with it. A lot of psychological aspects went into everything he was doing, a lot of manipulation, and he used a lot of tactics. The abuse of his power, the abuse mentally and emotionally and financially took a real toll on me. He was both the perpetrator and the judge of me and my life. He made sure i had no where to turn. He made sure there wasn't going to be any good for me, and he made sure that any way i tried handling things, he would over power. When somebody is determined and with extreme bad intent, i don't know how any life could get through it without any affects, it put me in total despair, and it ruins a life, and i don't wish anybody to have to endure the pain that ive been in
Learn how to say no! I did the same thing and my friend kept asking me over and over. So I politely said sorry I cant help and I archived their texts so I don't see them asking me.
That happened to me one time from a lady in our apartment building. Wanted to borrow $20 from me. I was so frozen and felt I had to do it rather than say no 🤦♀️ She followed me all the way up to my apt and said oh cool now I know where you live I know where to bring your money back to you... which is sick thinking back what she said... and I gave it to her... but as soon as my grandma found out she was furious and went down stairs to figure out who she was and ended up finding a whole group of our neighbors that said she borrowed money from them too and she had a whole army go up to the floor she was on And confront her... if was horribly embarrassing but I only wish I had the courage she had... I got my money back the next day and she was kicked out of her apt, for manipulating the disabled and elderly...
A close family member guilt me as well. I didn't have that much money but she said she really needed some money. I only had $ 20. I gave her $10 of it. So She asked me could I take her to the store. I said ok.. She used the money I gave her to spend it on cigarettes and beer. I felt so disrespected like a total loser for trusting her and being kind to her.. I confronted her later on that day because I was to mad to confront her at that time... . she said she was" sorry"... She wasn't. I could tell.
Thank you for bringing this up. It still seems far from real but yes, happens, and people who face need reiteration bad validation over and over again cause it’s just traumatic.
Me too, I know now he groomed me to be his sex buddy. I thought a lot of him (a pastor) for a few years but he was a manipulator and a liar, I thought we got along really well and we had fun, but my girl friends and female relatives started telling me he was making passes at them and trying to kiss them, and that i didnt have to know if they were also having a relationship with him. It ended when I found out he was and had had intimacy with about six other women. I got a phone call months after we split up and I was friendly and polite to him, he said he was coming over to my town 300km away to visit me at my farm, ok, that evening when were about to retire to bed I took him to my house 10 km away in my car so he had a bed to sleep in and I went back to the farm alone, he was stranded there till I picked him up in the morning and he left for home immediately and didnt even stay for breakfast, I havn't seen him since. Ha ha ha, he got the message IT cost him two days travel, his time and the cost of all that fuel.
@@jaynnesmithe4342 my mother was groomed by a pastor for years too. He just used her as a sex buddy too, never took her out. They were always in bed at home during the day. As a child this was horrible. I had no one to talk to as well.
I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing. My wife was groomed by our former pastor for over 5 months... so I was groomed too, as was my family and his family, because grooming doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm sorry you went through this. It does happen to adults more than we know. This was not your fault. Have you ever heard of Peter Crone? Check out his videos, his video and way of communicating has really helped my wife and I heal and not be saddled with guilt and anger. Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you the best!
Pretty sure I was recently being groomed -- at 42 years old!! I can only explain how I arrived at this conclusion, as a light bulb went off. I started searching and just a few minutes into watching this video, there is no doubt in my mind that I was being groomed. Of course, I can recall at least 5 times when sexually charged comments were made, which I now know served the purpose of "checking my temperature". I am am certain this person was grooming me in order to steal money (military retirement) from me, though I haven't dismissed the very real possibility of my two year old son being trafficked. This person used projection, intimidation, and smear campaigning (that I know of). I am so very grateful for having experienced this myself, of most importance, recognizing tactics these predators use and also, you just never know who could be predatory. There is no one "type" Thanks so much for this video!!
Hi, Sarah. I have experienced grooming in the past too. Its just that, when he attempted to groom me to do what he wanted, I groomed him to do what I wanted . He got upset and left me alone after that.
I think I have. I'm 23 and pregnant got mixed up with a 64yr old man I met last year who helped me get my driver's license by letting me use his truck, he was helping me since my family didn't want to step in. I thought of him as a friend/mentor because whenever I needed a ride to town he would be there, if I needed help with something he would be there, and sometimes we would hang out and go to the flea market on the weekends, went to a powwow and visited the mountains, when the holidays came he gave me a PS4 and took me to go see the parade of lights, he also took me out to dinner a few times, then he started to give me money even though I never asked for it, he even bought me things knowing I had my own money, then his words began to change then he kept sending me messages that started off as innocent goodnight and good morning texts. When I got my driver's license he asked me if I wanted to be put on his car insurance, he also wanted to help care for my baby since the father is absent. He told me he loved me twice but the second time he said "just as a friend" One time he made an excuse to stay over at my place because he "accidentally" locked himself out of his trailer but he played it off smoothly when I didn't say anything, he then texted me later that night indicating we've known each other for 11months and thought it was okay to spend the night with me. Oh when I first met him he kept talking about the other young girls he tried to help but they all seemed to have disappeared on him and non of them talked to him again.
once thing i learned when someone is always be ghosted on there is usually a reason. i learned that with my last relationship. he said the same thing lol
@@patrickbonham949 Sorry, my comment might seem inappropriate in this context. Especially to a non-religious person. My brother said this expression might mean "o my goodness", but I generally interpret it as using God's Name in vain. I realize that for many people it is a normal way of talking, but for Christians who respect God's Word (the Bible), the instruction in Exodus 20:7 is something to be taken seriously -- “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain." That means that God does not want us to use his Name lightly, in a profane, meaningless or frivolous way. That is why I feel compelled to say "Praise His Holy Name!" whenever I'm within earshot of anyone who does that -- I want to reverence Him and resist that kind of thing (not go along with it).
Experiencing this now. It started by him touching me anytime we were alone. He would touch my shoulder or my arm. It was nothing sexual at all. I thought he was just a touchy person? Anyways one day he told me about how he would wake up “excited” after certain dreams he had. I didn’t even consider he meant sexually excited. It took me some time to realize what he said because our relationship was not in anyway romantic or sexual. I am 27 and he is in his 50s. He began to test me to see if I would keep his secrets. I’m a people pleaser so I would keep them to myself. Then one day he was having a bad day and he asked me for a hug. Once he hugged me he held me tighter and tighter and kissed me on the cheek and walked off. This left me confused and kind of feeling bad for him because he sounded like he was going to cry. Each time we were alone he escalated it and pushed my boundaries more and more. I would freeze when this would happen. I would go along with it and do what he asked so that it would not prolong things and I hoped he would leave me alone. I didn’t want to be met with conflict 😩 It didn’t work, he shoved his tongue down my throat one day and kept pushing himself on me. I felt horrible that day. But for some reason I began to crave his attention? He would give me this attention and then take it away and that’s how I would find myself missing it. Eventually I began to feel that I was interested in him. He escalated things very quickly and left me feeling completely confused and honestly I still have whiplash from him completely flipping the script on me. I thought he saw me as a daughter figure. I just needed to vent because I’m dealing with this alone 😩
Hi, are you Ok, hun? Please talk to a Therapist :someone you Trust and can talk and connect with. This is not Right & you shouldn’t have to go through it without Trusted Support. Please tell Someone-a trusted adult, school Counselor, female teacher & they will be able to Help. I’m Sorry this happened to you. God Bless you
Oh man you just described what's happening with my uncle in-law right now.. this is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with and I can't tell anyone in the family about what is going on.
I just gave my daughter a serious talk about her best friend's brother inlaw behaving the same way with her. I noticed how she actually became addictive to his attention. I noticed how they started looking at each other. Touching each other. I immediately saw it as grooming. So I gave her a serious talk. I am ready to fuck this guy up. Even his wife think they are just joking.
I believe my nieces long term babysitter is grooming her. I am seeking advice on how best to guide my niece (who I am close with) to trust me enough to confide in me. The babysitter recently on two separate occasions has allowed the child to accept cash and candy from strange men. Any advice? The child’s parents seem intimidated by this woman and are unwilling to fire her.
I had this happen to me at work by a man training me. He groomed me told me he was unhappy in his relationship. Asked me what I thought of him kept telling me to shake his hand and not tell anyone.
This IS NOT someone "grooming" someone this is a person who is fliting outright, making it clear their intentions - the woman could had several chances to hang up or stop but continued - men and women have been doing this for centuries
That story is similar to mine and about 15 minutes ago I just block the dude because I never knew I heard a grooming and stuff he gave me this feeling bad bad gut feeling and I just kept observing and watching and as soon as I blocked him my bad gut feeling went away but I knew something was wrong and I don't know what he is or what he does but I know it's all the Predators online I wasn't taking any chances I felt like the first night I talked to him he wanted to come at like 2 in the morning after I had been drinking I didn't know that man and I didn't want him coming here but he keeps pushing it and pushing it about coming and he's trying to get me to trust him and he's telling me how he's in debt or whatever but you're I love this video thank you for sharing because see now that I'm watching the stuff I know that I made the right decision to block him something about him is wrong I don't know what it is but something was scary about that man and he was nice as could be but he acted just like the grooming process thanks for sharing
Id suggest, don’t call out someone like this by saying: “I get you’re joking but your intentions underneath don’t seem decent” Never call these people out because the wrong one could get violent and dangerous upon feeling offended. These are typically narcissitic psychopathic types and being shut down/being told “no” is their first trigger, then calling them out as indecent could push them over the edge, as they care about their “image”, (though they’re engaging in such ugly behaviour, they plaster over it because they want to make it appear acceptable) . Those two things could be enough to make you a target for aggression. Be cordial by saying: “this is not the way I choose to live my life” and try to avoid them because they’ll make this hard, they’ll keep trying to pursue you. Once you shut them down enough times, they’ll realize they need to find someone more gullible.
It needs to be spoken about that grooming doesn’t only happen in straight up aggressive situations like an onslaught of sexual assault or trafficking. It happens as small consistent attempts to break down one’s boundaries. It happens as a way to set up young people and even adults in a position for long term sexual abuse, not just a one off assault.
This is quite an informative video despite being a bit rambly. Ultimately grooming is about power & control. Many times men choose easy targets aka vulnerable women: like immigrant women, non-native speakers of English, younger women, isolated women, etc. Great advice for handling inappropriate @21:00 1. Be clear on your own boundaries & don't be afraid to state them., @22:11 2. Have ready made phrases on hand to utter without mental involvement., @23:28 3. Stay away & block abusers & those who don't respect your boundaries (you've full permission).
Big mistake to assume that since they are a pastor or you meet them in church that they will have christian values. We are to be fruit inspectors. If you want a Christian relationship, “test the spirits.” Don’t assume. “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.” Matthew 7:15-23 KJV
Also, note that they may have some good fruit!!! “Have we not done many wonderful works in Thy name?” This is what can make it soooo confusing and tricky!!! Father God, help us discern the wolves sent in among the sheepfold. Help us not fall into flattery or deception or compromise. Thank You that You cause all things to work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 KJV In Jesus name amen”
I don’t think people understand that grooming happens to intelligent, strong adults. It’s just very easy because most people just give people the benefit of the doubt.
I am a woman and honestly, I think this is a little over-exaggerated as grooming because from what I heard this is just one conversation, I feel like grooming is a well-calculated long term process to break down your self-esteem, cut your social ties, etc. I think this is just a horny guy looking for a booty call and yeah he is not subtle and does not take a hint very well, but other people do not always know what your values are. He does not know if she is just playing hard to get or genuinely does not want to hook up. Shameless, yes, grooming, eh I feel not so much.
It’s a preliminary stage of the grooming process. I have a friend who recently dealt with this during the quarantine. A random guy texted her via Social Media and she was very hesitant on how he found her. Somewhat broken English responses and passive aggressive responses from him triggered her gut feeling. But things pressed on, despite his advances. She made it abundantly clear at least ten times that she has no interest in dating him. His response: all he wants a clear “friendship” and claims that he came into her life for a “reason” and just let it flow. That eventually became a rising Red Flag, along with his responses of him telling her she is “funny” or “fun” texting with, let alone him addressing her as “Dear,” when he made it clear that he wants a “Friendship” to begin with. As the gut feeling grew, she eventually came to her senses and eventually blocked him. But because of not immediately picking up the signs in the beginning, and as the manipulation/grooming sank in, it took Weeks for her to recover from it all and it’s still ongoing.
@@rcayabyab8994 Thank you for sharing. I have encountered my share of guys like the kind in your story. I think it is definitely a form of manipulation. But I never felt like they are grooming me because I do sense the red flags, but I usually keep engaging in the conversation to see how it goes because I am curious. And the guys usually know how to create an atmosphere to keep the conversation flowing. However, their true motives are always pretty clear. So when I feel like the guy is really pushing the boundaries and I sense the danger, I just end the conversation with a hard no. So in my head, I feel if I were to be groomed by someone, it will probably be really subtle at first that I can't even see the red flags. But the guys in the video and your story seem to come on pretty strong. It is just my opinion, grooming or not, I do hope your friend recovers from the trauma soon.
In this all too common situation... a sleazy low life creep, who can't take a hint or even a direct no for an answer, then escalates a barrage of innuendo and outright tries to meet up for sex... is this a form of abuse? And is a shy or self effacing woman, in her discomfort, embarassment and polite attempt to deflect, giving creepy men an open invitation to commit this level of abuse? Are we talking grooming, sexual harassment and abuse? Or do perpetrators think they are just indulging in 'banter' and are being judged unfairly? I suggest it's deliberate abuse, whether called grooming or sexual harrassment.
Grooming really? That's for a child your friend is an ADULT. The man you are talking about was trying to play to your friend. Your friends mistake was her continued entertainment of his questions. Once the second question came up that was inappropriate or she felt was inappropriate, that should have ended the conversation. It's not hard to ignore text or phone calls. The excuse of being tired , I wasn't thinking, I wasn't sure what he meant is just that an excuse. If I don't like where a conversation is headed, I DON'T RESPOND.
He's probably unemployed, in the first place... It would be no different than if he'd said that he is a firefighter, or any other "trust worthy" career positions- He may even have a rap sheet longer than his arm.... Also, he demonstrates Cluster-B characteristics, and more than likely is emotionally, spiritually, sphycologically, and even physically abusive, once he's got someone trapped in his web-
🤔 YEAH.. ..THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE THE EXTREMELY AWKWARD ‘FIRST TIME’ YOU ENCOUNTER THIS TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL. AFTER WHICH, YOU LEARN TO BECOME ‘MUCH MORE’ PROACTIVE ‘MUCH EARLIER’ ONCE SEEING AND RECOGNIZING THE WARNING SIGNS.. NOTE: THIS PATTERN WILL APPEAR IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE TOO (EX. BUSINESS).
Exactly same. I was a single lady, this man who targeted me is a manager (a married man) in the company I work. On day 1 itself, he asked me about my family and who I stay with . I said i stayed alone. .... He started acting super caring. Then he started ogling at me as days went. I don't know how I got blinded. I ignored the red flags. Then suddenly one day his mask fell off , he started abusing me on phone, when I refused a career move that would benifit him. .... I am considering I should report him to ICC (company anti harassment cell). ..Such men are disguised rapists.
The first and biggest red flag, is when you all of a sudden feel: 🚨🚩🚩 🚩C O N F U S E D🚩🚩🚩🚨 This sudden feeling of confusion is your BIG change to step back from a groomer and never being involved in their manipulation tactics - if you're a person prone for manipulation, of course! If you're not prone for manipulation tricks, with time the groomer will hit themselves when they run into your wall of integrity, boundaries and standards. Making you confused is their doorway to your mind and as soon as you respond to that confusion, valla - they got you! So just play along if you're in a small community, be nice but NEVER let them know that you just discovered the first big red flag. Kill them with your silence. Don't say anything but the most important things related to your common interests/work/community etc. With time they'll get exhausted and give up - but that's only if you step back at the very first CONFUSION! Good luck, take care of your boundaries and stay safe! 🙏🏼 ❤
My autistic friend was targeted by an adult groomer. He spotted her sexual abuse past and autistic promotion on facebook, gained trust, hung out like a kind "understanding friend", waited until she hit her hypersexual peak and made sure he was around, jumped her, she then fell in love and became his sex slave. Very much a dominating daddy relationship, even gives him money.
Yes it does! My daughter is 20? there is a man named Peter Caine(supposed dog trainer) on RUclips, he is 60. My daughter impulsively left to NY, after she was gone, we figured out all the lies. In looking into this man, we learned he was engaged and doing videos with a young girl, she finally left. I am told he is verbally abusive. Now, he is exploiting my daughter, and she looks often appears high in his videos. We live in Fl. I dont know when he started talking to my daughter. But she left against our wishes. I look back now, and I realize why she started to accuse, and villify us as parents, in a negative light. She got money in her account and now she is gone. We have no recourse against ephebophiles. Our beautful, amazing, loving daughter, is gone.
@@saladfingers.she did wise up, he made it difficult for her to leave, she had to sneak off while he was away. It was a horrific event. It brakes my heart for his next victim.
@@victorious4405 bloody hell. I don't get why people aren't calling him out, his fans just roll with whatever he does. He seems to have a few young girls, she was the most concerning. Thanks for replying.
He's grooming at this point. I can see it. But I'm not sure what to say to get him to stop. "I'm not comfortable with this." Doesn't seem to fit or help.
@@danijo5632 He is testing what his boundaries with you to see what he can get? You need to exercise your sense of self-value and learn to see even more through his words what little significance they carry in a value relationship. I see a lot of people who "flirt" online asking for cheap affections from strangers. I does not hurt them much if you drop them for their lack of respect because you deserve gentleman who will see you as a friend, not a boy who'd never had responsibilities. A true friend is one who wants what's honestly healthy for your well-being. Not one who pressures you into doing what feels good at the moment to belong.
the law/government, from cops to the courtroom and everything in between, especially in the states, is trash that most victims of all types of crime get no real protection or help from and doesn't even properly punish/rehabilitate offenders. at least from my perspective. maybe you could try going to a lawyer forum or something but even then lawyers can have a wide range of opinions and many are unhelpful themselves. maybe there are small or creative ways to get justice without the law or ways to share your story at least. stay strong
I learned that if someone is doing this; don't explain why, don't try to turn the conversation around, and don't try to be nice. Just smash that block button and move on. They don’t respect and therefore, deserve none of your time.
I totally agree with you, and I think something that has really helped me navigate these kind of relationships is by creating well defined expectations. I know what I want out of someone when I walk into a conversation, and I do well to quickly find out what they want too. Love energy is important for me to figure out. And if someone is giving me the wrong kind or not respecting my boundaries. I.e. making me feel uncomfortable when I tell them I’m not looking for anything physically and just like to be friends with people before I think about a relationship, than I stop investing energy there. I only want to invest energy into people who treat me at the standard that I require, and because I value my time and know that I have a lot of value to offer others, that standard is really high.
Yes I have come to the same conclusion, block them and move on. I can then forgive them once they are in the rear view mirror of my life at a safe distance.
@@lastthingsministry Yes! Yes!
@roniestephan7507 Facts!
I wonder if adult grooming happens mainly to adult survivors of Sxual abuse???? I hope no-one else feels like this BUT I feel like I'm forever marked with a scarlet letter that attracts predators....soul crushing really
God I wonder the same, it feels like I definitely have the curse…
I feel the same
I realized this pattern when I was 17, I’m 27 and still going through this
Happened to me.. thank you for bringing attention to this form of sexual abuse!
I was groomed by my best friend's step-dad. Long story short...I was living with them because my own family is awful and abusive. They were like the perfect "parents" that I never had. My friend went off to boot camp for the Army, and that's when the evil creeper started his grooming process. I was only 19, I am autistic, and I was super naieve when I was young.
💔💔
From one shite situation to another. I'm sorry you went through that
They are not perfect parents at all. It was a lie, a sham. If people pretend to be perfect then run away. Even the most spiritually mature person would never claim perfection for themselves. Fakers broadcast their 'perfection' at every opportunity. Where they wealthy with a nice looking home and throwing money around? That doesn't make people perfect parents, not even good parent. A good parent is a good example to their child, is loving and consistent but will also point out to their child when they are in error.
I went through something similar. I started going over to my best friends house when I was 16. As soon as I turned legal, he proclaimed I was his soul mate.
I had horrible guilt because I felt like if I said something, I would destroy her family. Or I would have to lose my best friend.
He stalked me through my 20s.
I've noticed this happen again with another dad figure (age 32-34). Lots of these things that happened with your friend (video) are happening. Especially the apologizing and then "I don't remember saying that." And it's like he's being believed when he waits to be inappropriate until we're alone together.
Thanks for your video, it's been super confusing and I've felt really depressed/lost.
I am autistic too!!! and I'm 20 years old and plan to stay sober and be sober 21 & past!!
I honestly think we try and see the best in people so we assume the person really isnt that crude. its like a form of denial that something this disguising is happening to us. its sureal
Yes. They are so good at it. Playing at our base desires. Using who we are against us.
So effing true!!! Spent months with conflicting emotions!
That's not always smart
I only do it because I have almost no impulse control. I'd be perfectly content with attacking and trying to murder a bad person. Which is why I have to believe that all people have a good side.
A lot of pastors are professional groomers.
@@trinity1luvHeaven oh yes they are no wonder why my father loves pastors so much my father is very narcissistic.
My experience happened 21 years ago. I was a single 27-year-old man at the time, and my predator was a 29-year-old MARRIED woman with a newborn! How I got on her radar was that I had become friends with her husband. He was a bit rough around the edges, but basically fine. We got on pretty well. His job involved shift work, and one week he was on a big double shift during the day. That's when she started chatting to me on a regular basis. She was "bored and lonely" with her husband spending so long at work. Just as you describe in your video, it was relatively innocuous at first, but her predatory behaviour escalated rather quickly. Even in the earliest conversations, she pushed boundaries, but they weren't sexual ones initially. It was more that she would ask questions that were slightly too nosey. But if I expressed irritation, she would say things like, "I'm just curious" or "Friends are supposed to share things with each other". So subtle guilt-tripping. Then when she DID begin to get sexual, she would quickly pretend that she was only joking. However, quite often she would make the same inappropriate comment several days later, and this time it would be clear that she wasn't joking.
She began to become quite domineering. For example, she made a "rule" that we had to talk with each other for at least two hours a day. She also demanded that I e-mail her every day, even though we were talking online (making e-mail rather redundant). She even asked for my bank PIN at one stage! (I refused.) On learning that I keep a diary, she asked me to send it so she could read it! (I declined that "request" too.) She also wanted my home phone number, which was unlisted (I never gave that to her, despite her nagging me for it several times.) One of the more bizarre things she did was send me a video of her wedding and demand that I watch it! I did watch it (she asked questions about it) and sent it back a day or two later. She also "proposed" by asking, "If I was single, would you have married me?" (I said I didn't know - really, I should have said a flat no, but I didn't want to upset her.) I should have cut her out of my life, but the catch was her husband. I didn't want to end my friendship with him, especially since he had done nothing wrong. So I tolerated all this garbage from her (though I did enforce SOME boundaries!) to stay friends with him. Although I knew there was something seriously wrong with this woman, I actually did the second-guessing thing you talked about. I sometimes thought I was judging her too harshly. I gave her the benefit of the doubt way too often.
Eventually, she made a full-on pass at me. Basically one night, she said she wanted to have phone sex with me. I refused and reminded her that she was married. After I got offline, I distinctly remember feeling incredibly stressed and having tightness in my chest. Thought I might be having a heart attack, but it was just tension and nothing more. (About a month later, I had more chest pains and actually went to hospital for a check-up, and they said my heart was completely normal and the problem was likely a pulled chest muscle.) Even though this was all online, what she did that night felt extremely violating. And that chest pain was my physical response to that sense of violation. Anyway, she acted all contrite at first, but it wasn't long before she was being inappropriate again. She claimed that she had "feelings" for me and "couldn't just turn them off". I told her several times that she was cheating (or trying to cheat) on her husband, but she just didn't care. Her feelings were the only thing that seemed to matter to her. Oh, and I might add that she gave me the whole "Don't tell anyone about this" spiel. However, I did talk to some people about her, and one of them advised me to cut ties with her. So I did, but it meant ending my friendship with her husband at the same time (I never told him the real reason, just said I couldn't be friends anymore, pretty much). I felt bad about doing that to him when he had done nothing wrong. He probably deserved to know what his wife was doing. But I was scared that if he divorced her, it would then be easier for her to come after me properly. I figured she was less of a danger to me if she remained tied to her husband and baby. So that's why I didn't tell him - I was actually more afraid of him believing me than not believing me!
That still wasn't the end though. She harassed me by e-mail for a good month and a half before finally giving up on me. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but I learned a lot from it. One thing I learned is that predators don't always fit the stereotypical profile. The "classic" predator is a single male. This woman, being married and a new mother (quite young and attractive too), was about the last person you might expect to be a predator. But she was as psycho as they come. I know I've gone on a bit, but I haven't told you the half. Anyway, since that ghastly experience, I have become a lot more ruthless at keeping predators and other abusive types at bay. If anyone makes me uncomfortable, I just block them without standing on ceremony. I nip potential problems in the bud, because they can get out of hand very rapidly if you're not careful.
The biggest warning sign really is violation of boundaries. They don't have to be sexual boundaries in the early stages. The woman who preyed on me started by violating more "innocent" boundaries before escalating to openly sexual stuff. Now anyone can probably violate a boundary accidentally. But the difference between a normal person and a predator is that a normal person will apologise and make sure they don't cross that boundary again. Once the line is clear to them, they steer well clear of it. A predator on the other hand will try to make you feel bad about defending your boundaries. Even if they apologise, they'll do it in a passive-aggressive way (e.g. "I'm sorry if you felt offended by that little joke"), thus still making you feel bad. That's when you should cut and run. Anyway, many thanks for this very informative video.
Woooo long story.. Will come back
Did u give in to chatting with her for 2hrs a day. ?????
@@supernova2897 Yes, for a brief period of time. Quite often too, when I wanted to end a conversation, she would say, "I haven't finished talking to you yet!" and try to keep it going longer. One time she got so ridiculous with it (where I would keep trying to politely say goodbye and she would keep ordering me to stay) that I just shut the instant messenger off and later told her I'd do the same again (because of course, she had the nerve to complain about my "rudeness" when she was being rude by not respecting my wish to leave the conversation).
So relatable !
Holy shit, thank you for sharing! That's terrifying. Much love, internet stranger! 💚
I appreciate that you highlighted it can happen to either gender
This happens in places of vulnerability a lot too - hospitals, recovery, rehabs etc
@lightofal, "How"
do you know?
@@user-fi3hc8fy8p I work as a therapist and healer
I've worked with many sociopaths and psychopaths who target people in these places.
It's only now sinking in that I was groomed and sexually abused by my ex who was also a long time friend. He knew I was asexual and entirely inexperienced with relationships and had never been intimate with anyone, and that I'd suffered sexual abuse as a child, and he promised to take things slow and that I never had to do anything I didn't want to.
But it was a complete lie. He almost immediately became intensely handsy, even in public where I'd feel too mortified to say no, and he'd say he just needed that in a relationship and that he just liked me so much.
I wanted to trust him because I thought he knew better than me, and I thought as old friends he wouldn't want to hurt me. But it kept escalating, he took things into scarier and emotionally intense territory, pushing me to agree to things I wasn't at all ready for by saying I was safe, it was normal, it would make him happy. He began saying degrading things with a huge smile, he would infantalize me in bed which caused me massive confusion and terror due to my past trauma, and he would bite me hard enough to leave these ugly painful bruises without asking and say they meant I was his.
Finally one night he strangled me without even a warning. I was shocked and scared but by then I'd already learned to ignore my pain and distress so I told myself I wanted that too. I finally stood up for myself to him for a different matter altogether and he instantly discarded me.
I'm no-contact now but I still feel so much horror and shame, it's like all the pain I fought so hard to overcome as a child has repeated. I still miss him like an addiction, and I feel so much self-hatred for that, but I want to push forward anyway, I'm hoping if I keep at it I'll stop feeling so low.
I'm convinced predators are turned on by survivors of abuse.
It does get better...with time, distance, and education, you can get past the abuse and live a happy life.
@@ecomamaadmin3328they see the trust of such a person as a badge of honor. The whole “I’m different from the rest, as she/he caved into my wishes” way of thinking.
Keep on pushing on and remember if he ever comes back around, he has nothing new to say. The lies will be a bit more elaborate but the intention behind them will be exactly the same…to prey on you for supply. I find educating yourself about their schemes helps a lot.
I was groomed at 19 by my driving instructor and he took advantage of my naivety. He would buy me full meals and shower me with compliments. Then, he would touch me against my will like forcing me to hug him. Then whenever I messed up my driving or made mistakes, he would pull over to scream at me. Contrary to what many people believe, just because someone is over 18, that doesn’t automatically make it ok and it’s JUST as wrong as if it happens to a child. I just want to spread more awareness on adult grooming and how harmful it can potentially be.
You know what you could do? Find a new driving instructor like a fucking adult.
I’m sorry this happen to you Why didn’t you switch driving inscrutor
Omg
While true, it is wrong as well, what is also true, is that, as that age there is less protections, you are supposed to have formed your 'people' at that stage. The people that you can rely on, and go to. It is like the neutrality towards the medics in war. While it is wrong, it is your responsibility at 19, not your father, brother, or sisters.
I’m so thankful I stumbled across this message. I had a terrible experience with a church elder some time back. It was horrible. When I came forward with the truth of who this individual was and what he did to me, he flipped it on me and lied to his spiritual peers. Because of who he was in the church (he owns the actual church building, huge financial backer, elder, adult Sunday school teacher, etc) my plea for help was swept under the rug, and I got tagged with being a trouble maker. I obviously left this church. This man is dangerous and untouchable. He gets away with pure evil, under the cloak of being a “super Christian.” My trust has never been more violated. I’m still trying to heal both myself as well as my relationship with church in general. Your message was validating. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, and knew exactly what his behaviors were. I did what I was supposed to do, and the church failed me.
😭
Damn girl I surely feel your pain my father was a pastor and ran away for the same reason (taking the perpetrators’ side because of his popular/position) and now in situation dealing with a 52 year old man @28 because I told him my life story .
It’s scary to find out you been comfortable sleeping next to the enemy and prey on vulnerable women
God bless you and may you regain inner peace ☮️ ❤
I've never met anyone who said "ok, ok, I'll behave lol" who didn't end up being a toxic person.
They know what they're doing is transgressive. They wanted to get away with it. They're playing it off as a joke. That right there is a huge red flag for me. Not just because they know they're violating boundaries, but that also indicates this is part of a pattern for them.
We should find out what church he eventually got in. The church needs to know he’s not a true Christian. That’s so disgusting!
Maybe he lied about being a pastor. Who knows
Yes .. He'd probably want to have private prayer meetings with the young women in the church. So disgusting!
No true scotsman would groom...
@@KawaiiCat2 I doubt he lied. My husband’s father was a disgusting creature like that and he was a southern Baptist minister most of his life.
I was groomed and emotionally abused and manipulated last year. He was a teacher figure, 37 years old. I was 24. He did exactly what Sarah described. First he started texting me about random things, not sexual at first, but he was definitely testing the waters. Then it got sexual. He would play it off as a joke and call me "buddy" and a "good friend", and that we could talk about anything with no secrets. He would complain about his life and his marriage. He even said that he'd only agreed to have a baby because of how worried his wife was about her clock ticking. I had tried to cut him off and it resulted in full force manipulation. Complete guilt and shame on my part. I felt so badly that I let him back in.
It went on for a couple of months and I'm grateful that it only lasted that long. There are a ton of things I wish I had done differently. I feel so much shame for my part in it. I feel like I should have stopped it so many times but I just let it continue and progress. I'm better now, but it's definitely been a difficult process and remains to be. It's taken me a year and a half to accept that grooming can happen to adults, too. I thought that since I wasn't a minor I should have known better. This video has definitely helped to validate everything that I've felt about what happened.
It has happened to me too and I thought I really knew about predators but was really blindsided by him.
What I noticed is that they will rush you into a position of 'friend' and then not long after that they will say you are like 'family' and then soon after that they will refer to you as though you are their spouse (even if they are already married).
If you are willing to stay in that role as fake spouse long enough they then will start to love bomb and future fake you into an abusive and coersively controlling relationship (just like a child abuser). Sometimes these people are just after what they can get quickly with no ties and no care for the devastation they do but some are in it for the 'long game'.
I've actually had a relationship with such person... he tested my boundaries... at first I was kinda naive... i didn't know much about most of the inappropriate stuff he used to talk about... but I really felt like I resonated with him... he started talking privily and then when he saw that I was love stuck he gave me an ultimatum... i accepted whatever he said... slowly... it just got worst... i would still come back to him... he didn't isolate me from my family but he did talk bad about them... talked bad about stuff that I liked... he used to mask it with "oh I'm just very protective and possessive about you" and I still fantasized about him as a future great husband and a perfect companion... and slowly whenever I would bring up something wrong he did,... he would guilt me... anyways... that is what happened... I've come out of it... but that habit of talking to him is still something i am fighting... so i started searching what it all meant... what did he really do... what i think is all sexual predators are like joe(from you)... they are so loving and caring and act perfect but in reality, they just want to have you as their possession
One of the greatest human desires is to have power and control. Even if it is over just one person. I personally see this as "emotional and mental slavery", where one person has full control over your emotions. Like, we end up giving so much leverage to this one person, that if he wants, he can send us into a state of emotional turmoil. Never submit yourself mentally and emotionally to another person. I know, as women, we want that one special man in our lives, who should feel protective and possessive about us, but the sort of toxic behaviour of this guy that you described, is completely unacceptable in all forms. The craving of wanting to talk to him might seem like a drug to you right now. One of the ways to battle this feeling is to remember very strongly of all the shit that he made you go through and the fact that he NEVER had any RESPECT or REGARD for you as a HUMAN BEING. He denied you, rather robbed you of the basic human dignity that you deserved. He treated you like his toy. And you shouldn't feel hurt. Rather, you should feel Indignant. If you focus on feeling Indignant, and build up on that emotion, then you yourself will not feel like talking to him. Because your life demands Respect and Regard. So why would you even want to be associated with someone who didn't see you as a human being, but as his toy?
Covert , controlling narcissist . Get educated online about this . Pace and good luck to you .
This whole thing made me cry! Because I just realised this is mostly all exactly what I have experienced and now I am shocked and realise I have been groomed.
Thank you also for talking about grooming happening to adults…I think this is what has been so helpful about the video- spelling out what this looks/feels/sounds like when it is happening between two adults.
I myself have felt inappropriate guilt. If I said no, for some reason I felt like I was mean for rejecting someone.
Wow girl your nice but it isn't your responsibility to make others happy by giving yourself to them. Not saying u are. But you can tell them something nice or encouraging but never give yourself. That guilt trip is wrong don't let your emotions control you. It's jus a feeling. U have t dominate the feeling. Is like being mad and not behaving mad. Same thing. After a while you will have control over your emotions. But you have to go against the feeling every time.
They groom women to have weak boundaries literally our parents do this
Imagine if this adult grooming happened insidiously over weeks or months.
I'm a guy and a woman groomed me for a year. The story would blow your mind. If I slowly reprocess everything, I can write a book about it, haha.
A man 30 years older than me groomed me for five years. He still tested the waters even after I got married and my husband sent him multiple very clear cease-and-desists.
yes - my wife was groomed by our former pastor (as was I and our family and his family since grooming doesn't happen in a vacuum) for 5 months. It's insane the damage that can be done by people; especially a trusted person in a pastoral position.
I have learned keep your awareness up whenever meeting someone who is charismatic, people who are charismatic always have something shady about them. I know because I am socially awkward at times but say whats on my mind
Someone groomed my mother and he threatened to kill me in front of her. Then she said "Get over here now! He's going to try to kill you! Don't touch my child!" but because I went through a kidney failure and I was pumped up on steriods I turned around and looked him in the eye and said "If you even dare try to touch me I'm going to mother fucking stab you." He shat himself so badly and he left the house because he didn't expect a 13 year old to sound like a boss.
LOL. That is AWESOME! You sounded like I am every day....I can't help it since I finally became confident and know God loves me...I see myself as a Tigerwoman - and so do others and they wish they were me...I teach them what I know and my new perspective...and it's working. Men and women are getting free of fear and cowardice and oppression. You go TigressAurelia girl!
That really happened.
Hope you're ok
I think that's the most badass story I've ever heard, it's definitely up there Shout out to you!.
Groomed your mother??? R we misunderstanding the term ppl?
NEVER GIVE A MAN LIKE THAT THE BENEFIT OF A DOUBT!!!!
going through this right now. another tell-tale sign is, predators grooming speak to and treat their intended target as they would a child...
no one believe's me except my doctor
Can you also talk about Harleyquinn and Joker type relationships. I keep almost falling to those relationships due to my empathy nature of feeling sorry for abusive men?
its because you are an empath, how are you doing now?
Same here or emotional broken men.
Same
Look up “covert narcissism”
Gosh! I can't even explain how I see comments so similar to what I had undergone!
Empaths tend to see the best in people. It's such a gifted quality but I wish I wasn't it anyway.
Practicing calling a spade, a spade. We've got to see people for who they really are and not how they make us feel.
Children that have been abused in other ways may feel like they need to explain themselves.
She shoulda saved her time and blocked him hours ago..
I’m proud of myself that I am watching this right now!!
Over the course of two years I got groomed by own female primary care physician, MARRIED mother of FOUR boys, attractive and 18 years younger than me ultimately culminating in her molesting me under the pretense of ‘an annual physical.’
This was my initiation into the world of narcissistic abuse. It was quite a feat to break free from it. But now I have a phobia of doctors and healthcare providers, male, female or otherwise.
Thank you so much for this video- it completely mirrors the experience I had with a predator that managed to do major damage to my life; you have helped me stop blaming myself, after 3 years of grappling with what happened and the resultant fall-out. I feel really thankful to have come across your video today. 🙏
I am a push over cause of how I grew up. And a people pleaser. I hate it... So I understand when she says, not sure where the conversation is heading and not want to assume and be seen as bad. That’s my whole being really, and it sucks. Cause it makes it hard to stand up for myself cause I’m trying to empathize with the other person and hate people not liking me... my first relationship really affected me in a bad way. I still go back and forth to this day if it was his fault or mine or if he didn’t know what he was doing or if it was normal... but I was very shy, I didn’t mind holding hands or kissing a little but anything more and I was very uncomfortable with... he wanted to take the next steps in the relationship and I kept telling him I wasn’t ready. He would ask me every time I saw him if I was ready and it got exhausting trying to deflect his come-ons for more... I liked him but he was very pushy and didn’t seem to care about my values or boundaries... I was very uneducated in sexual matters... I would keep telling him no until I just wouldn’t say anything and one day it happened. I didn’t do anything I just froze cause at that moment letting him do that to me was easier than continuing to fight him... I hate the way I was thinking but I was froze... I didn’t agree to it and he should have known how I felt about it all and how uncomfortable I was............. my past boyfriends have said I love you too soon and idk if that’s a guy thing or what but after a while makes me feel guilty and so I start saying it after a while even if I don’t necessarily mean it cause I don’t wanna loose the relationship...
Oh. It's hard being in that kind of relationship. He didn't respect you.
I don't know why but I'm always prone to be a target, I always run away. I'm hoping you're okay now.
He didn’t respect you not because you are not someone Worthy of Respect. Know that you are Someone Worthy of Respect.
He disrespected you because he was a bad ‘guy’…. Not a man but he Knew his intentions….
Boys who say ILY Too Soon say that just to get in your pants…
Note: the Best thing is to be Honest w yourself,& your feelings& what you think about the guy.
Manipulators will say ILY, coz they want Something….
You don’t Owe Anyone Anything just coz they said ILY or did something nice for you.
Wow!
What a freaking ledgend!
Thankyou Sarah!
You just spelled out my current situation.
Thankyou
Thank you for making this video. I’ve been groomed as a child and teen before, wasn’t sure it could happen as an adult, but recently as an adult I now am realizing that I have been groomed online.
I'm a writer doing research for a story and I just want to say this was super helpful. Thanks so much for the video!!
Glad to help! I have a whole channel on this topic, so pear let me know if I can help with anything else.
*please
@@SarahMcDugal what is the name of this channel?
@@Psalm_27.4 It's my own. ruclips.net/user/sarahmcdugal
It's started and I am going to shut it down. I'm tired of perverts targeting women.
Thank you for bringing attention to this happening to educated adults as well. I am an educated person with a degree (and a good paying job at the time) and this happened to me. And no I'm not a woman so thanks for bringing attention to the fact that this happens to men as well.
I went through this a few years ago in a church and still feel shame about it. There was a narcissistic leader in a church who targeted me and he ended up being manipulative, a gaslighter and just all around a piece of doo do. He would stare at me for really long periods of time without saying a word. Never spoke or said a word but the predatory stare, which gave me the strong impression he wanted to dominate me. When I told someone else at the church exposing their behavior they launched a smear campaign against me. One of my good friends became their flying monkey and I developed panic attacks as a result of this. It’s awful, truly awful what these monsters do to people. My spidey senses went off when this man approached me knowing my hometown and details about me that I have never ever shared with him or barely anyone in the church.
After the mischief comment I would have been done with the conversation. Any woman who has spoken to men online already knows what direction he is going at that point.
Very relatable faith based context and all I wish I seen this earlier ! My friends Dad did alot of this for 7 years and I’ve known him and them for 10+ years ! He patiently waited and made a move years down the line when he felt I was an appropriate age. He kissed me while married with children ! I expressed my discomfort although I’d always trusted this person for years and they’d always shown themselves to be a stand up guy. The inappropriate jokes and comments often and comments often on my beauty / body shape. Even in front of his wife and it being excused as a part of their personality by everyone including myself. It’s devastating 😔 What has happened more recently is fresh and heartbreaking !
Grooming works because people decide to be emotional rather than racional. Degrees doesn't help you to descover peoples intentions. Sometimes I hear well educated people talking about this and they have no idea how that works.
I'm originally from Mexico. I lived in apartments where traffickers organisms used to live.
Human traffickers members are very friendly, respectfull, kind, etcetera. I saw 30s beautiful girl being groomed (I was very young at that time, I didn't know what grooming was)
High educated people are same vulnerable because lot of them lived in good areas. They don't understand malicious in other levels.
So when I was in college with slightly older brother, he had a much older friend (and later roommate) who was 17 yrs older than me (I was 18-19) at the time from Vietnam. All the times we first encountered one another, he would approach me first rather boldly. He was something along the lines of a misanthrope, and he'd easilly talk about how scummy the world was and people (especially men) were. So he was a pretty controversial person, but he was nice to me and made me feel special. Sort of sought me out. So I liked him none the less. Over time though, my feelings for him grew, to the point where it was even hard for me to focus on my studies, and I was easily jealous, because while he made me feel special and said things like "you're my favorite" or "i adore you" or even jokingly "you're mine" he was a flirt and said similiar things to other people even if I was sitting right there. It made me jealous even of my own friends. (Also he was engaged at the time, but she was back in Vietnam. I acknowledge I was wrong letting myself have feelings for him) it was hell. Ultimately, I didn't try to get him to like me back, I just wanted to be with him. But eventually I found out that he KNEW iI had feelings for him. But he didn't say anything to me about it, rather I only knew after my brother called me angry one morning after he had told my brother. Me and him quickly "talked it out" and remained friends (my bro also stayed his friend, but was becoming suspicious of him) but I remember him saying he shouldn't have even told my brother, because of how my brother reacted. Honestly looking back, I wonder if he was seeking some kind of approval from my brother :/ alot more happened in this story that ultimately led to my mom stepping in and telling me to cut contact with him altogether, but getting over him was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. And not just because I had feelings for him, but in my eyes, he was my bestfriend above all. I'm still processing the idea that had bad intentions for me, but I think that if his imprint on me was this strong, then maybe manipulation was involved? He was very good at reading people. And psychology in general. Could he have been grooming me?
I'm not sure if he might have been grooming you, but he definitely doesn't sound like a guy who can be dependable and trustworthy. If he was already engaged but was still telling you things like "you're mine" (even if jokingly), then it was definitely NOT OKAY. Moreover, from your description, it seems like he was an outrageous flirt as well, which is also highly inappropriate, given the fact that he was engaged. All in all, please consider it a blessing that he went away from your life. And please don't be so hard on yourself about having feelings for him, because that is something which happens naturally, and no one has control over whom they end up developing feelings for. Please learn to love yourself. ❤️ You are precious. 😇
@@DhritiDasgupta Dude, I didn't think anyone was going to reply to this, you have no idea how much your words mean to me. The biggest thing that's made it easier to move on is having people who don't judge and acknowledge my feelings as valid, without denying the truth of course. And at least with this experience it's opened my eyes to certain behaviors and red flags to watch out for
Please continue to encourage others, God bless you ❤
3:37 I never yell at people for rambling because I genuinely want to hear the rest of what people have to say, unlike most I care about every part of the conversation
Would you consider teaching this in the school system? My school required a "values" course with a passing grade. I am a child sexual assault survivor who was later exploited. I did not hear the word " grooming " until the nassar trial....45 years after the first assault and 35 years after the grooming and exploitation. You are so clear and correct. This is a maturity I never want missed or squandered in myself, spouse, children, family, or friends.
My older cousin groomed me and I did not realize it until recently, but I'm now so attached to him now that I can't bear to leave him. I love him so much. :'(
Cousin?
From someone telling me what to do and seriously trying to manipulate me and isolate me from so many things that define peer pressure and grooming. being groomed at 20 years old right now is very sad and depressing. He kept telling me "Alcohol got people laid" and I just was not interested when he said that he just wanted to make me think I should drink when I turn 21. My creepy neighbor just kept going on and on about all these things I should do. I'm a guy who is not interested in substances or anything, I rather stay sober and be born with it forever.
As a 58 year old Christian man I can say that I have never been pressured for sex by a woman. The pressure men get from women is for money. I worked with a man who was 60 years old divorced and retired from the state of Arizona with a good pension. He met a 35 year old woman in church (I believe) with six kids. She was real friendly and they dated a very short time and then got married. After a year or so the woman said that there was too many last names in the house so he adopted her six kids. Once the adoptions were completed she divorced him and demanded child support for the six kids which he had to pay. When a woman stares at me and is friendly I ask myself how much is this woman going to cost me?
Over compliments at first, over time compliments turn to subtle insults, taking every opportunity to change the conversation to sex. Tests your boundaries, you feel afraid to tell them no etc. Gross people out there.
I would love to chat with you more about adult grooming and share our experience.
Feel free to message me on my FB page: facebook.com/sarahmcdugalauthor
Thank you for bringing this to light in order to help many understand what they cant see. I just came across this video in my want and time of trying to heal from a lot. My boss which was also the owner of the business I worked for spent the time to do first exactly what you said- hind sight is 20/20 unfortunately and everything is a learning experience in the harshest way. First he did exactly what you said, I presume now of testing. Then he did disregard, putting things in a power motion of I am to be disrespected, degraded, devalued, or I would be disregarded, and I struggled on trying to make relations better, blaming myself, thinking if he knew me he would treat me better, and went through a lot of confusion and not understanding, and I didn't want to come across as a prude, hard, not easy to get along with, or make him dislike me or angry, I went through all of that, and fear of losing my job. He then spent another over a year and half bullying me, slandering me, manipulating everything and everybody, negating all my efforts, messing with me and my job in several ways, humiliating me in front of others, saying im not to be trusted, and making me feel I have to always defend myself and try to explain, and always making me feel that it is me, that im a problem, so I kept questioning myself and trying to handle everything. Then he got worse and sent an email that I would meet with him or be fired, I said no, and said please no and that I cant, and he said if I don't meet within that same week I am fired. He came to my home, I got into his van, and he persisted to touch different parts of my body as i kept moving his hands, he didn't care, and he wanted in my home, i said no again, he continued to press and tell me its my fault for how ive been treated and if i want good relations type of talk and way of what he was doing. Then he would fire me and give me my job back, and would knock on my door and bring things like olives and flowers and i wouldn't open my door, it was several times, and i would ask him to please don't, and kept asking him why he was doing what he was doing. Then he went from bullying, to saying he was in love to asking can we be friends to asking me to help him that he was going through things, and asking for me to help him with the business , but at the same time- everything he was doing, he was saying to people that i was the one doing it, i had cried out to several people in the company about it, nobody would help. I don't know what i thought anybody could do to help but, i was alone in it all. He got worse. I tried to appease him, then it was that threat. Things got really bad. Ultimately, my entire well being was really affected, and long story short, i got fired for the final time. He had wanted to fire me but also wanted to have sex with me before pushing me out the door and wanted my help in the harming of me and my life in order for him to get away with it. A lot of psychological aspects went into everything he was doing, a lot of manipulation, and he used a lot of tactics. The abuse of his power, the abuse mentally and emotionally and financially took a real toll on me. He was both the perpetrator and the judge of me and my life. He made sure i had no where to turn. He made sure there wasn't going to be any good for me, and he made sure that any way i tried handling things, he would over power. When somebody is determined and with extreme bad intent, i don't know how any life could get through it without any affects, it put me in total despair, and it ruins a life, and i don't wish anybody to have to endure the pain that ive been in
I'm an exploited kid it never goes away
mine is a old guy who like's younger men and with olive skin im now 44 he is now 66 turning 67 this year.
People sometimes guilt trip me into giving them money
Yep they do that to me too. I tell them I dont do that
Learn how to say no! I did the same thing and my friend kept asking me over and over. So I politely said sorry I cant help and I archived their texts so I don't see them asking me.
That happened to me one time from a lady in our apartment building. Wanted to borrow $20 from me. I was so frozen and felt I had to do it rather than say no 🤦♀️ She followed me all the way up to my apt and said oh cool now I know where you live I know where to bring your money back to you... which is sick thinking back what she said... and I gave it to her... but as soon as my grandma found out she was furious and went down stairs to figure out who she was and ended up finding a whole group of our neighbors that said she borrowed money from them too and she had a whole army go up to the floor she was on And confront her... if was horribly embarrassing but I only wish I had the courage she had... I got my money back the next day and she was kicked out of her apt, for manipulating the disabled and elderly...
A close family member guilt me as well. I didn't have that much money but she said she really needed some money. I only had $ 20. I gave her $10 of it. So She asked me could I take her to the store. I said ok.. She used the money I gave her to spend it on cigarettes and beer. I felt so disrespected like a total loser for trusting her and being kind to her.. I confronted her later on that day because I was to mad to confront her at that time...
. she said she was" sorry"... She wasn't. I could tell.
Thank you for bringing this up. It still seems far from real but yes, happens, and people who face need reiteration bad validation over and over again cause it’s just traumatic.
I experienced something similar but worse with a "pastor"
I'm so sorry for your experience. Did you find support and counseling?
Me too, I know now he groomed me to be his sex buddy. I thought a lot of him (a pastor) for a few years but he was a manipulator and a liar, I thought we got along really well and we had fun, but my girl friends and female relatives started telling me he was making passes at them and trying to kiss them, and that i didnt have to know if they were also having a relationship with him. It ended when I found out he was and had had intimacy with about six other women. I got a phone call months after we split up and I was friendly and polite to him, he said he was coming over to my town 300km away to visit me at my farm, ok, that evening when were about to retire to bed I took him to my house 10 km away in my car so he had a bed to sleep in and I went back to the farm alone, he was stranded there till I picked him up in the morning and he left for home immediately and didnt even stay for breakfast, I havn't seen him since. Ha ha ha, he got the message IT cost him two days travel, his time and the cost of all that fuel.
@@jaynnesmithe4342 EXCELLENT!! ♥️♥️ More power to you. 😊 I hope you're in a better place now, mentally and emotionally. 😇
@@jaynnesmithe4342 my mother was groomed by a pastor for years too. He just used her as a sex buddy too, never took her out. They were always in bed at home during the day. As a child this was horrible. I had no one to talk to as well.
I'm so sorry. Thanks for sharing. My wife was groomed by our former pastor for over 5 months... so I was groomed too, as was my family and his family, because grooming doesn't happen in a vacuum. I'm sorry you went through this. It does happen to adults more than we know. This was not your fault. Have you ever heard of Peter Crone? Check out his videos, his video and way of communicating has really helped my wife and I heal and not be saddled with guilt and anger. Thanks for sharing your story and I wish you the best!
Thanks! Great advice to show my daughter to prepare her for college!
Power, control and exploitation.
Pretty sure I was recently being groomed -- at 42 years old!! I can only explain how I arrived at this conclusion, as a light bulb went off. I started searching and just a few minutes into watching this video, there is no doubt in my mind that I was being groomed. Of course, I can recall at least 5 times when sexually charged comments were made, which I now know served the purpose of "checking my temperature".
I am am certain this person was grooming me in order to steal money (military retirement) from me, though
I haven't dismissed the very real possibility of my two year old son being trafficked.
This person used projection, intimidation, and smear campaigning (that I know of).
I am so very grateful for having experienced this myself, of most importance, recognizing tactics these predators use and also, you just never know who could be predatory. There is no one "type"
Thanks so much for this video!!
Thanks for the eye opener.
Hi, Sarah.
I have experienced grooming in the past too.
Its just that, when he attempted to groom me to do what he wanted, I groomed him to do what I wanted .
He got upset and left me alone after that.
This happened to me. Thank you for bringing this up.
We need more conversation about this topic.....thanks
Adults get groomed too....
I think I have. I'm 23 and pregnant got mixed up with a 64yr old man I met last year who helped me get my driver's license by letting me use his truck, he was helping me since my family didn't want to step in. I thought of him as a friend/mentor because whenever I needed a ride to town he would be there, if I needed help with something he would be there, and sometimes we would hang out and go to the flea market on the weekends, went to a powwow and visited the mountains, when the holidays came he gave me a PS4 and took me to go see the parade of lights, he also took me out to dinner a few times, then he started to give me money even though I never asked for it, he even bought me things knowing I had my own money, then his words began to change then he kept sending me messages that started off as innocent goodnight and good morning texts. When I got my driver's license he asked me if I wanted to be put on his car insurance, he also wanted to help care for my baby since the father is absent. He told me he loved me twice but the second time he said "just as a friend" One time he made an excuse to stay over at my place because he "accidentally" locked himself out of his trailer but he played it off smoothly when I didn't say anything, he then texted me later that night indicating we've known each other for 11months and thought it was okay to spend the night with me. Oh when I first met him he kept talking about the other young girls he tried to help but they all seemed to have disappeared on him and non of them talked to him again.
Omg!!!...I saw that coming 🤔🙄😶 Not many men would go through all that, for nothing in return 🧐🧐
once thing i learned when someone is always be ghosted on there is usually a reason. i learned that with my last relationship. he said the same thing lol
He's a predator for sure
@@patrickbonham949 Sorry, my comment might seem inappropriate in this context. Especially to a non-religious person. My brother said this expression might mean "o my goodness", but I generally interpret it as using God's Name in vain.
I realize that for many people it is a normal way of talking, but for Christians who respect God's Word (the Bible), the instruction in Exodus 20:7 is something to be taken seriously -- “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain." That means that God does not want us to use his Name lightly, in a profane, meaningless or frivolous way. That is why I feel compelled to say "Praise His Holy Name!" whenever I'm within earshot of anyone who does that -- I want to reverence Him and resist that kind of thing (not go along with it).
Experiencing this now. It started by him touching me anytime we were alone. He would touch my shoulder or my arm. It was nothing sexual at all. I thought he was just a touchy person?
Anyways one day he told me about how he would wake up “excited” after certain dreams he had. I didn’t even consider he meant sexually excited. It took me some time to realize what he said because our relationship was not in anyway romantic or sexual. I am 27 and he is in his 50s. He began to test me to see if I would keep his secrets. I’m a people pleaser so I would keep them to myself. Then one day he was having a bad day and he asked me for a hug. Once he hugged me he held me tighter and tighter and kissed me on the cheek and walked off. This left me confused and kind of feeling bad for him because he sounded like he was going to cry.
Each time we were alone he escalated it and pushed my boundaries more and more.
I would freeze when this would happen. I would go along with it and do what he asked so that it would not prolong things and I hoped he would leave me alone. I didn’t want to be met with conflict 😩
It didn’t work, he shoved his tongue down my throat one day and kept pushing himself on me. I felt horrible that day. But for some reason I began to crave his attention? He would give me this attention and then take it away and that’s how I would find myself missing it. Eventually I began to feel that I was interested in him. He escalated things very quickly and left me feeling completely confused and honestly I still have whiplash from him completely flipping the script on me. I thought he saw me as a daughter figure. I just needed to vent because I’m dealing with this alone 😩
Hi, are you Ok, hun? Please talk to a Therapist :someone you Trust and can talk and connect with. This is not Right & you shouldn’t have to go through it without Trusted Support. Please tell Someone-a trusted adult, school Counselor, female teacher & they will be able to Help. I’m Sorry this happened to you.
God Bless you
Oh man you just described what's happening with my uncle in-law right now.. this is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with and I can't tell anyone in the family about what is going on.
I just gave my daughter a serious talk about her best friend's brother inlaw behaving the same way with her. I noticed how she actually became addictive to his attention. I noticed how they started looking at each other. Touching each other. I immediately saw it as grooming. So I gave her a serious talk. I am ready to fuck this guy up. Even his wife think they are just joking.
Dirty old man. Totally disrespectful.
Thank you Sarah. Your videos will help alot of people.I have subscribed
It's a simple proposition
You either accept or reject it.
You are just mad that your platonic relationship isn't more important to him than sex
I believe my nieces long term babysitter is grooming her. I am seeking advice on how best to guide my niece (who I am close with) to trust me enough to confide in me. The babysitter recently on two separate occasions has allowed the child to accept cash and candy from strange men. Any advice? The child’s parents seem intimidated by this woman and are unwilling to fire her.
The parents are idiots. They should fire her ASAP.
I think men and women can be victims of this sort of manipulation. Nobody should feel obligated to follow through.
I had this happen to me at work by a man training me. He groomed me told me he was unhappy in his relationship. Asked me what I thought of him kept telling me to shake his hand and not tell anyone.
This IS NOT someone "grooming" someone this is a person who is fliting outright, making it clear their intentions - the woman could had several chances to hang up or stop but continued - men and women have been doing this for centuries
Excellent video and thank you ❤
That story is similar to mine and about 15 minutes ago I just block the dude because I never knew I heard a grooming and stuff he gave me this feeling bad bad gut feeling and I just kept observing and watching and as soon as I blocked him my bad gut feeling went away but I knew something was wrong and I don't know what he is or what he does but I know it's all the Predators online I wasn't taking any chances I felt like the first night I talked to him he wanted to come at like 2 in the morning after I had been drinking I didn't know that man and I didn't want him coming here but he keeps pushing it and pushing it about coming and he's trying to get me to trust him and he's telling me how he's in debt or whatever but you're I love this video thank you for sharing because see now that I'm watching the stuff I know that I made the right decision to block him something about him is wrong I don't know what it is but something was scary about that man and he was nice as could be but he acted just like the grooming process thanks for sharing
As a woman this terrifies me! 😳😳😳
Id suggest, don’t call out someone like this by saying: “I get you’re joking but your intentions underneath don’t seem decent”
Never call these people out because the wrong one could get violent and dangerous upon feeling offended. These are typically narcissitic psychopathic types and being shut down/being told “no” is their first trigger, then calling them out as indecent could push them over the edge, as they care about their “image”, (though they’re engaging in such ugly behaviour, they plaster over it because they want to make it appear acceptable) . Those two things could be enough to make you a target for aggression. Be cordial by saying: “this is not the way I choose to live my life” and try to avoid them because they’ll make this hard, they’ll keep trying to pursue you. Once you shut them down enough times, they’ll realize they need to find someone more gullible.
It needs to be spoken about that grooming doesn’t only happen in straight up aggressive situations like an onslaught of sexual assault or trafficking. It happens as small consistent attempts to break down one’s boundaries. It happens as a way to set up young people and even adults in a position for long term sexual abuse, not just a one off assault.
This is quite an informative video despite being a bit rambly. Ultimately grooming is about power & control.
Many times men choose easy targets aka vulnerable women: like immigrant women, non-native speakers of English, younger women, isolated women, etc.
Great advice for handling inappropriate
@21:00 1. Be clear on your own boundaries & don't be afraid to state them., @22:11 2. Have ready made phrases on hand to utter without mental involvement., @23:28 3. Stay away & block abusers & those who don't respect your boundaries (you've full permission).
Big mistake to assume that since they are a pastor or you meet them in church that they will have christian values. We are to be fruit inspectors. If you want a Christian relationship, “test the spirits.” Don’t assume. “Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.”
Matthew 7:15-23 KJV
Also, note that they may have some good fruit!!! “Have we not done many wonderful works in Thy name?” This is what can make it soooo confusing and tricky!!! Father God, help us discern the wolves sent in among the sheepfold. Help us not fall into flattery or deception or compromise. Thank You that You cause all things to work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28 KJV In Jesus name amen”
I don’t think people understand that grooming happens to intelligent, strong adults. It’s just very easy because most people just give people the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you very much for using your voice to make these videos. I personally appreciate it.
I am a woman and honestly, I think this is a little over-exaggerated as grooming because from what I heard this is just one conversation, I feel like grooming is a well-calculated long term process to break down your self-esteem, cut your social ties, etc. I think this is just a horny guy looking for a booty call and yeah he is not subtle and does not take a hint very well, but other people do not always know what your values are. He does not know if she is just playing hard to get or genuinely does not want to hook up. Shameless, yes, grooming, eh I feel not so much.
It’s a preliminary stage of the grooming process. I have a friend who recently dealt with this during the quarantine. A random guy texted her via Social Media and she was very hesitant on how he found her. Somewhat broken English responses and passive aggressive responses from him triggered her gut feeling. But things pressed on, despite his advances. She made it abundantly clear at least ten times that she has no interest in dating him. His response: all he wants a clear “friendship” and claims that he came into her life for a “reason” and just let it flow. That eventually became a rising Red Flag, along with his responses of him telling her she is “funny” or “fun” texting with, let alone him addressing her as “Dear,” when he made it clear that he wants a “Friendship” to begin with. As the gut feeling grew, she eventually came to her senses and eventually blocked him. But because of not immediately picking up the signs in the beginning, and as the manipulation/grooming sank in, it took Weeks for her to recover from it all and it’s still ongoing.
@@rcayabyab8994 Thank you for sharing. I have encountered my share of guys like the kind in your story. I think it is definitely a form of manipulation. But I never felt like they are grooming me because I do sense the red flags, but I usually keep engaging in the conversation to see how it goes because I am curious. And the guys usually know how to create an atmosphere to keep the conversation flowing. However, their true motives are always pretty clear. So when I feel like the guy is really pushing the boundaries and I sense the danger, I just end the conversation with a hard no. So in my head, I feel if I were to be groomed by someone, it will probably be really subtle at first that I can't even see the red flags. But the guys in the video and your story seem to come on pretty strong. It is just my opinion, grooming or not, I do hope your friend recovers from the trauma soon.
In this all too common situation... a sleazy low life creep, who can't take a hint or even a direct no for an answer, then escalates a barrage of innuendo and outright tries to meet up for sex... is this a form of abuse? And is a shy or self effacing woman, in her discomfort, embarassment and polite attempt to deflect, giving creepy men an open invitation to commit this level of abuse?
Are we talking grooming, sexual harassment and abuse? Or do perpetrators think they are just indulging in 'banter' and are being judged unfairly? I suggest it's deliberate abuse, whether called grooming or sexual harrassment.
Grooming really? That's for a child your friend is an ADULT. The man you are talking about was trying to play to your friend. Your friends mistake was her continued entertainment of his questions. Once the second question came up that was inappropriate or she felt was inappropriate, that should have ended the conversation. It's not hard to ignore text or phone calls. The excuse of being tired , I wasn't thinking, I wasn't sure what he meant is just that an excuse. If I don't like where a conversation is headed, I DON'T RESPOND.
God bless you my dear sister! This information is so vital!!! We need to teach all our young people about these things!
He's probably unemployed, in the first place...
It would be no different than if he'd said that he is a firefighter, or any other "trust worthy" career positions-
He may even have a rap sheet longer than his arm....
Also, he demonstrates Cluster-B
characteristics, and more than likely is emotionally, spiritually, sphycologically, and even physically abusive, once he's got someone trapped in his web-
RP Murphy you are so right. My doctor put the moves on me... talk about a profession in which the person in authority can manipulate power.
I am living thru a grooming horror story
hope you got through it love 🤍🙏🏽
How does grooming and trafficking work for a grown up in their 30s?
🤔 YEAH.. ..THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE THE EXTREMELY AWKWARD ‘FIRST TIME’ YOU ENCOUNTER THIS TYPE OF INDIVIDUAL. AFTER WHICH, YOU LEARN TO BECOME ‘MUCH MORE’ PROACTIVE ‘MUCH EARLIER’ ONCE SEEING AND RECOGNIZING THE WARNING SIGNS..
NOTE: THIS PATTERN WILL APPEAR IN OTHER AREAS OF YOUR LIFE TOO (EX. BUSINESS).
This is all great information and advice. Thank you so much.
Exactly same. I was a single lady, this man who targeted me is a manager (a married man) in the company I work. On day 1 itself, he asked me about my family and who I stay with . I said i stayed alone. .... He started acting super caring. Then he started ogling at me as days went. I don't know how I got blinded. I ignored the red flags. Then suddenly one day his mask fell off , he started abusing me on phone, when I refused a career move that would benifit him. .... I am considering I should report him to ICC (company anti harassment cell). ..Such men are disguised rapists.
The first and biggest red flag, is when you all of a sudden feel:
🚨🚩🚩 🚩C O N F U S E D🚩🚩🚩🚨
This sudden feeling of confusion is your BIG change to step back from a groomer and never being involved in their manipulation tactics - if you're a person prone for manipulation, of course!
If you're not prone for manipulation tricks, with time the groomer will hit themselves when they run into your wall of integrity, boundaries and standards.
Making you confused is their doorway to your mind and as soon as you respond to that confusion, valla - they got you!
So just play along if you're in a small community, be nice but NEVER let them know that you just discovered the first big red flag. Kill them with your silence. Don't say anything but the most important things related to your common interests/work/community etc.
With time they'll get exhausted and give up - but that's only if you step back at the very first CONFUSION!
Good luck, take care of your boundaries and stay safe! 🙏🏼 ❤
after luring in their victims. They test them. And gather information based on their response.
Lots of women don't know how to handle rejection, no, or understand boundaries.
It sure as hell does NOT
Please help us. we are both being groomed for sex trafficing. Evil generation.
How are you now? Are u safe??
I don't trust anyone. Definitely not men. They never fail to disappoint
This feels like most romantic dramas wow. Scary!
My autistic friend was targeted by an adult groomer. He spotted her sexual abuse past and autistic promotion on facebook, gained trust, hung out like a kind "understanding friend", waited until she hit her hypersexual peak and made sure he was around, jumped her, she then fell in love and became his sex slave. Very much a dominating daddy relationship, even gives him money.
Yes it does! My daughter is 20? there is a man named Peter Caine(supposed dog trainer) on RUclips, he is 60. My daughter impulsively left to NY, after she was gone, we figured out all the lies. In looking into this man, we learned he was engaged and doing videos with a young girl, she finally left. I am told he is verbally abusive. Now, he is exploiting my daughter, and she looks often appears high in his videos. We live in Fl. I dont know when he started talking to my daughter. But she left against our wishes. I look back now, and I realize why she started to accuse, and villify us as parents, in a negative light. She got money in her account and now she is gone. We have no recourse against ephebophiles. Our beautful, amazing, loving daughter, is gone.
Is she back with you now? That guy is always on my recommendations. I hope she's safe.
@@saladfingers.she did wise up, he made it difficult for her to leave, she had to sneak off while he was away. It was a horrific event. It brakes my heart for his next victim.
@@victorious4405 bloody hell. I don't get why people aren't calling him out, his fans just roll with whatever he does. He seems to have a few young girls, she was the most concerning. Thanks for replying.
It happened to me too before he anally violated me. That was over 3 years ago. I am nearly 53..I now know how I was groomed. It is real!
I need help. This is happening to me. I don't know what to say to stop him.
What is there not to say no?
He's grooming at this point. I can see it. But I'm not sure what to say to get him to stop. "I'm not comfortable with this." Doesn't seem to fit or help.
@@danijo5632 He is testing what his boundaries with you to see what he can get? You need to exercise your sense of self-value and learn to see even more through his words what little significance they carry in a value relationship. I see a lot of people who "flirt" online asking for cheap affections from strangers. I does not hurt them much if you drop them for their lack of respect because you deserve gentleman who will see you as a friend, not a boy who'd never had responsibilities. A true friend is one who wants what's honestly healthy for your well-being. Not one who pressures you into doing what feels good at the moment to belong.
This is a great, informative video!! Thank you!
How do you go about exposing this behaviour? Everything I've read says there's nothing I can do because I was the legal age of consent.
the law/government, from cops to the courtroom and everything in between, especially in the states, is trash that most victims of all types of crime get no real protection or help from and doesn't even properly punish/rehabilitate offenders. at least from my perspective. maybe you could try going to a lawyer forum or something but even then lawyers can have a wide range of opinions and many are unhelpful themselves.
maybe there are small or creative ways to get justice without the law or ways to share your story at least. stay strong