The moral of the story, do not be around people that make you feel uncomfortable. Especially those that make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells in their presence.
Wear sunglasses or respond while you walk away from them, it does not give them the supply/energy they want to steal from you. I’ve learned this unplanned. I see them squirm or laugh nervously, because they missed their target. If they can’t have eye contact with you, they can’t shoot.
Bmore Mom Nice! So, basically, when you buy sun-glasses you also buy narc-glasses? Now I understand why my former narc boss did not liked that I weared sunglasses. Apparently, she considered them to be offending. I told her that I need them because I have sensibility to light (which is true), but still, she barelly accepted it and only after several other people confirmed it. Should I mention that she was also behaving like we were rivals of some sort? Yup, she did so from the very beginning, despite the fact that she was the one who hired me. And maybe she needed to see my eyes in order to read my thoughts and plan her next reply...
@@eeaotly Thanks for sharing confirmation! Yes, they must see your eyes (the window to your soul) to extract the supply of praise/worship or release their insidious abuse, so they want to see your fear, pain, anger, etc... Yeah narc-shield-glasses!
I just left a job I absolutely love because the owner of the restaurant is a malignant narcissist. I found out on my last day that she had been going around telling my coworkers and customers that I’m fake and that my happiness is an act! The funny thing....she is really just talking about herself. It hurt me because I am sensitive and kind and a people person naturally but I was able to let it go rather quickly. I saw this woman for who she was and she couldn’t stand it. I have no job now and no prospects but I don’t care. I am free and that is priceless. 🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕💕
That is really sad that people cannot even handle being around genuinely happy people. It is like people thrive off of negativity or want you to have low self esteem. Then if you walk around with a mean look on your face people will have something to say. You cannot win for losing keep being you and dont change. True people will appreciate your inner beauty and approachable demeanor.
That says something about that person. Not about you. Be happy you left. Nothing else matters. If your manager doesn't know how to not gossip she shouldn't be in a managers position. Even if you are fake. Who cares? It's about how you do your job. If your colleagues couldn't stand up for you or didn't stand up for you, which means they also stand up for a healthy work culture, they are not worth your attention. I got fired two years ago from in hindsight the worst team and the worst manipulative manager. I really felt bad at work all the time but I needed money ofc... it really sucked because I was trying so hard to succeed. It was a culture with a lot of women(sorry) and one guy as a manager. The culture was just completely messed up and everybody stabbed each other in the back about bs to survive. When I left the manager was looking at my LinkedIn page every week on the same day of the week just to f with me. I wrote about my experiences and the toxic culture inside the team and sent it to a colleague of his. I saw him in the city once after and he was looking really angry at me.I said hello and moved on haha. I am soooo glad I don't work there anymore and have a job where the manager is very respectful towards the employees. And everyone who still works there is still complaining on whatsapp or manipulating.
That happened to me in nursing on my first job returning to my home state, and I desperately needed the work. As a single mom then, leaving was the last thing I could afford, and I had no one to turn to. Nursing itself is full of bullies; I pushed through though, rescued myself, and today my son and I work as a team and earn in a day what used to take a month. Staying true to self paid off.
@@laurielbrooks6079 Had to grow up in a family like this. Not everyone, but certain individuals tended to say hurtful things when I was happy and expressing my joy.
Observe don’t absorb is a great technique. It’s the same as being emotionally detached. A lot of people in the comments are referring to it as a “trick.” It’s not a trick or a ploy, it’s a practice one can generally use in life. It simply means you don’t allow yourself to get pulled into someone else’s toxicity.
This is very difficult because the intent is obvious and playing dumb has a way of feeling fake for me. Unfortunately, this occurs often and practice opportunities come often.
The toxic person does not deserve our positive attitude. These tactics are good to use while making moves and plans to end the relationship. The toxic relationship is not worth your while. Choose an exit date and commit to it. You will have sufficient time to plan and fortify your positive attitude. These people do not exist in reality. If they were a fly you would have swatted them out of your existence already, not turn it into a pet.
being with a toxic person makes US into a toxic person. the way other people think WE are the toxic one instead of them & how we have to adjust our behavior around them just to get by--appearing and acting toxic ourselves! 😖🥴
It really is easy to adapt, i mean they say "you're who you hang out with" that sucks, so get rid of them is the best rather than waste time and feel bad by hanging with them.
This is taking someone's behavior and not allowing it to make you toxic as well. By letting toxic manipulation affect us not to act the way they do and instead of reacting to it just absorbing it.
Also, THANK them for helping you accomplish do a,b or c and they will stop whatever behavior is irritating you. For example, my father in law would come unannounced to our house to annoy me. So, I thanked him for babysitting, so I could finish packing for a weekend trip we were getting ready for. His face of disgust was awesome. I just smiled in delight. He hasn’t come back unannounced 😀!
Decades ago I learned that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. Such freedom in walking in this truth. Also, no one is responsible for reading someone else's mind. Communicate your mind if you want someone else to know what you're wanting,thinking, expecting, feeling. Expect others to communicate their mind & heart if they want to as well.
Like she said, I think it’s carried on by family. They do as their parents do. I would hope they’d realize the hole they’re in and turn it around, but from everything on here, the majority don’t.
She mentioned that kind of stuff doesn't typically work on toxic people. So while it's excellent for maintaining a good r.ship, maybe a relationship gone sour or there's just some weak communication in an otherwise usual relationship.. worse people are much harder to deal with, bc you can't reason with an unreasonable person who might destroy your whole life
OMG! The ignoring scenario! To the 'T'. At one point in my relationship, I naturally did the 'walk away and find something else to do' when I was intentionally ignored, and I later got asked if I felt ignored because I walked away. Inside I was thinking "you conniving brat!" But I replied "oh, not at all I just found something I wanted to check out. I didn't even notice you weren't around". The confused look was amazing! Sad we have to resort to this pretentious behavior though 😔
You sound like a POS, yourself. If you can actually take that constructive criticism, you'd probably benefit greatly. Fighting fire with fire is going to leave you and the other person both atop of 2 piles of ash, still bitching and blaming EachOther for what was done.
On the topic of timing, I remember one strategy from the guitarist and improvised music legend Derek Bailey, when 2 other musicians, Han & Evan, arrived to a recording session 1 hour late, as soon they arrived he packed his guitar up and said to them "see you in an hour, i'm having my lunch"
I wish I'd known this years ago! You have shared a massive power source here for fueling self-confidence in the face adversity with a Narc! Thank you so much!!!
Thanks for calling it out. It's so hard to admit they are doing these nasty behaviors on purpose, but as I hear you talk, I know it's true. I've gone through 30 years of it with my husband. Always just thinking there is something wrong with him, like he can't think properly. Like his thinking is disorganized. But it's not. It's been calculated to obtain the maximum frustration and exhaustion of me. It's a hard pill to swallow. But, I appreciate this knowledge. Knowledge is the way out. Thank You.
The “acting like you don’t notice it” is so funny because I do this all the time. And it’s so funny hearing that this actually advised to do hahah. Wow.
I would apply these techniques particularly in respect of the 'look' & the 'moods,' however, this would often escalate the issue. While nothing would happen publicly, my 'non-response' would be construed as my not caring etc which would often produce days long monologues of abuse. So, while it might work in the moment, it was dreadful afterward. How would you deal with the repercussions of these very valid options that our narcissists will obviously very much dislike?
My mom was chronically tardy for every planned event. My hubby and I started telling her the start time was 30mins prior to when it actually was. Over time she realized she was on time and actually asked about it. I laughed and said “well, we’ve noticed you always show up 30mins late, so we give you a time 30mins earlier than everyone else.” At first she started to argue that she wasn’t late, and then realized it was futile. She said “well, you don’t have to do that anymore.” She never apologized or admitted fault, but she was never late again. I now realize she was doing this on purpose in order to make her narcissistic grand entrance.
Yes when they are not trying to be punctual or apologetic about lateness. I used to always be late due to cptsd but was close to tears, struggling & very apologetic every time. They train you with a deeply carved neural pathway!!!
today I finally had the strength to dump my narcissist girlfriend. going no contact starts now! I have blocked her and deleted on everything. its time to move on with my life. my mind and soul is still very messed up tho, I'm so mentally drained i feel numb. I really need to heal.. if anyone can help me or give me advise I appreciate it, and I'm glad I can be apart of this community. if anyone could comment it would mean the world to me. I hope everyone has a good day, remember to love yourself
Don't let yourself slump into guilt , for stepping away . GET SLEEP , VIT B1 , AND GOOD MUSIC , I listen to Beautiful compositions , John Williams Hans Zimmer , serve the deserving ,include yourself . . Eat non toxic food , ease up on yourself. Be a giver , to others and don't forget yourself . , ❤❤❤
This is dangerous ground to thread ... I remember as a kid at social events with my narc parents, they'd say or do something to kill our (my brother and i) enjoyment of the party, but I'd choose not to respond and act happy the rest of the day, play with my cousins, etc ..... Then watch out for when you're back home alone with them, that's when you "get" it, the abuse, the guilt trips they laid on us, then you'd get punished for something you didn't even do, or you did in their imagination only. Same thing happened with an ex narc significant other, he'd try to kill my enjoyment of the party by saying something mean or ignoring me, or some other stupid game. But i didn't let it kill my joy, I kept on talking with people, having fun. Then same scenario as with my parents, once alone he'd lash out at me for no reason, accusing me of things and behaviours I didn't even do or display. So just be careful because it does backfire. Maybe make sure they don't see you having fun. And most important, get out of the relationship, leave, save yourself, you owe it to You. Michelle, great video as usual. I appreciate how articulate you are, your ability to demonstrate these toxic behaviours. Thanks so much.
I agree! What I learned to do as a child was to invent a passion or weakness I didn't actually have, so that the toxic parent would go for that target to hurt me. Then pretend to be hurt by their barb so they're happy, without them having actually affected your true self. It was hard to do because my toxic parent was a psychotherapist, but I did eventually figure out how to play the victim they want to see without being one. Still - much better to get out if you can!
Thanks for your input@@Maren617 . Funny...... I used to do something similar as a kid. Whenever there was something I really liked or was passionate about, I made sure NOT to talk about it, keep it to myself. Maybe that's why today I'm rather secretive about my art projects. I developped the fear, almost superstition, that if I talk about what I wanna do, it won't come to path. Thanks for this dialogue, it helps us uncover, understand, who we are.
@@borealiswan2363 Me too! Also into art, just rediscovering it now that I'm making a recovery, and I have also always had lots of trouble talking about the things I truly love, trying to protect them. But I'm actually going to change that now, share my art openly with friends on social media, get lots of feedback from normal people, and will just use Michelle's techniques to reply to any abusive comments and won't let them bother me. I'm a free adult now and no longer have to hide who I am.
@@borealiswan2363 OMG yes my person have 3 bio sisters and step mother that I feel secretly stalking me and they always want to know what I'm up to and asking around the sly way.... I was an open book because I wanted to help my X-human and his sisters go through their family traumas so I reveal and shared too much details of what i'm up to, what helped me through my tough times how I heal traumas and reveal certain techniques of Mind Control that back fired against my better judgement... I thought they wanted to start on shadow work which is why I gave them my instructors contacts ... my instructor told warned me that a few people with their energies came to learn Mind Control techniques with shady intentions and they were hiding their true identities and were evasive in demeanor. I long stop contact and learn other things without their knowledge. Those group of humans delve in some shady Javanese Black magic and and information they acquired from me ended up stabbing me in the back... took away the one I loved and cared the most (my lovely friends..street cats) one by one and finally broke my emotional/ psychological defenses and my health collapsed along with my finances. I sought no one, trust no one, I moved back with my family working on side work and building my portfolio. Those are signs from Universe to do some heavy processing and detoxing. I will cut and block anyone suspicious or toxic from my life even if it will add fuel to their gossip, bad mouthing in order to garner supporters I no longer give any time or meanings to petty behaviours. I hope they grow up spiritually and purify their heavy karmic entanglements~be done, be free, stay safe and stay quiet bout your business for now!
@@leisurelyarting What a sad, terrible story ! Glad your instructor saw through them. Keep growing, I know it's very hard, but be strong. Sounds like you've done a lot of useful work in order to stay safe. Sending good vibes
I appreciate your videos especially this one Michelle cause I get alot of those looks by these types of people after someone smearing my name . We should just smile , wave and act confident around these toxic people . It might be difficult but I need to practice and love myself . Accept that they wanna chose to hate you're right we can't control them .
I ll try all the methods you mentioned , not letting them know it bothers you is something I have to put more in to practice ☝️️🎯thank you for your channel! 🎖
My husband is a pastor, zero interpersonal skills, gaslighting me daily and I have FINALLY awakened. Just didn't know how to deal with it. You hit the nail in the head. "Making mistakes" was the lightbulb that I couldn't figure out. Thanks for the tip on how to deal with it. I need to distance and allow him to fail. Yes, when they discovered that we're bothered by their behavior they do it more. And he denies that he's toxic. He's always gaslighting.
Pray Psalm 18 It's a spiritual battle, the religious pretenders tortured and murdered innocent Jesus. He will protect you. I fled everything and it was worth the freedom. These are wolves in sheep's clothing and only want to kill steal and destroy...🙏🔥🕊
She mentioned the kitchen cleaning experiment. But that’s just putting your finger in the dike. And if you’re sticking your finger in every new hole that pops up, it gets exhausting. I think the solution is to let the wall break and run as fast as you can.
toxic relationships and toxic people are waste of time. Drop them out of your life, they are not worth your time, your energy and not worth of manipulating the truth just to deal with them. Michele, you basically advise people to waste energy on toxic people. Dealing with toxic people is still wasting energy. IMHO
Great insights, always, Michele! There were so many things I did, as a young wife, that I thought were non-negotiable, such as traveling across the country to visit his relatives. When I'd had one bad experience after another during these visits, I came to a huge realization (Eureka!) I didn't have to go!! So I stopped, many years ago, and get a vacation from him when he goes alone. The relatives can think what they like. I don't care. There are so many wrong assumptions that we make, based in our upbringing, that can and must be challenged to come to a peaceful, contented life. Counselors like you, Michele, are so helpful in breaking the chains that have kept us miserable....Thank you!
This is sage advice ! So it's fighting 🔥 fire with water 💦- instead of fighting fire with fire ( which never made sense?) I ve been watching your videos for a while and they keep getting better and better Michelle👈👏👏👏🙌👍
The toxic people I know do all of the above, and I've just learned to ignore them--they don't exist in my view. And in the corner of my eyes I can see them cross their arms, roll their eyes, and storm off. It enrages them to get no response from me, to be ignored, and to not be the center of attention. But oh well, that's exactly what they're doing to me, and I'm just dishing it back.
I once heard the quote "Don't Oil the Squeaky Wheel" and I think it relates to the topic Intentional Mistakes. I fixed the mistakes of the narcissist at work and by doing that they became my responsibility and part of my duties. It took me a long time to figure out that it was a trick.
I've put a lot of this into use, definitely works, i'm not absorbing their B.S. nor losing control of my own world. They start moody, then unpleasant towards me, then self-pity, then some acting out towards inanimate objects (slamming a door, passive-aggressively put the dishes away), and when they realise they aren't getting what they want, they stomp off in a huff, often for about 5-15 minutes, then come back as if nothing occurred. I suppose that 5-15 minutes is as long as they can last before having to face who they really are, because when they come back they are in total mirror mode.
@@Rahel8811 I know what you mean, but I think as a tool it is incredibly helpful to keep them at bay. I think of it as like body-suits police wear to train their dogs...yes you can still feel the bite through the suit, but were you not wearing it you'd probably have your whole arm ripped off!
I'm expanding my career & redoing my office. Meeting nicer people & taking no BS. Boundaries are set in stone. If I say something it's short. On social media, I go on ocassionally: joke, tell how happy I'm & expanding my career successfully, without saying any information. I refuse to argrue, because I refuse to feed the beast. Redoing myself, for the better.
I love it Michelle! My x used to do this when we would go on walks together or went places together all the time. I remember right after our honeymoon I was excited to go to the grocery store together and cook a meal together. When we got to the store he literally ran off from me. I couldn't find him and I was so hurt,confused and devastated by this behavior. I just realized this memory was a toxic behavior of him ignoring me on purpose to control my emotions and steal my joy away. It still hurts when I think of it. Your videos and words to use against the toxic Narcassist are so great!!! Thank you!
I usually love the silent treatment for the exact reasons mentioned in this video. But most of all, because silent treatment means SILENCE! Silence like in no fighting, hurling, yelling. Silence like in "I can hear my own thoughts and I xan really focus on them". That type of silence.
Cristiana Nicolae Right... In the beginning when he would do it it literally ate at me and would mess up my days how ever long he decided to do it but now now I welcome it ... It’s a break for me now... Sad that I’m even still with this person but in time I’m sure I will smarten up...
Christiana - YES! Same here - I thought I was weird because everyone always talks about how devastated they are when they get the silent treatment. I was always so glad for the break from the yelling. Especially since he almost never shut up. He acted like he would die if he wasn't running his mouth constantly interrupting me.
I think the hard solution is to have a face to face and resolve it. If they’re unwilling, tell them it’s a deal breaker not to. It’s what adults do. If they don’t, they don’t care about you.
Strategies with narcs don’t work,they change the goalposts constantly.but these are good.except the manipulating the narc to do what you want I believe is short term win,long term massive costs.always costs.
Watching BONES, season 3, episode 14 and it nails how dangerous manipulative people are when we encounter them! The Wannabe In The Weeds. So many mysteries nailed narcissism in various stages but until YOU, Michelle, I never had the tools to ID what it is and what to do or not do. Thank you 🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸
Tolstoi novels, or meditations by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius give clues about human nature and wisdom pills to epower ourselves. Khalil Gibran and Mary Oliver are Poets of love, wondering and wilderness. In self care, it helped me a lot. If you prefer series writing techniques, Edgar Allan Poe 's short stories. Milk n' Kisses
You are just so so right. All the silent treatment that he does to me is because im focusing on me and how i wanted it to end and how much it makes me so anxious and so confuse and hurtful. Now that i know his game all i need to do is focus on what can i do 'at that moment" to make me happy. Thats the key word. Thanks very much. Its so helpful. And when he smear me and is counting on my old responses to explode, that is exactly what i will not do.
The silent treatment must be heavenly with a toxic person. But why continue a relationship like that?? I would walk away. Just pack my things and leave 🙄 Then they could just sit there...
I'm a narcissist's daughter... my mother is a real sick person. Was hard to live with her, without knowing her problem. I have no money to survive at that time. Now I live alone... hut a lot of people live the way I was... how to go out..
The ex narc tried to give me the silent treatment for 2 days so I finally got some rest, looked up a new hobby and sang in the shower (I hadn't done that in years) He had a major violent meltdown and started screaming I'm abusive for being so happy not to talk to him for 2 whole days. Ugh
I am noticing this lose of energy around two people lately. To avoid it on Saturday I felt I had to put a shield around my heart as I realized everything I said was being discounted. I am particularly sensitive to voice tones of people recently. Hearing how people speak to each other often feels hostile or passive aggressive with me. I noticed the person I am closest with when I speak with them my happiness increases and I do not feel I must shield my heart. Thank you for your strategies.
Simply intelligent and beautiful approach in dealing with these otherwise "tangling situations. " Thank you so much dearest Michelle for existing and sharing your wisdom. 💝
I love these ideas and have tried them in the past. The only time I find it extremely difficult is when thier behaviour triggers an emotional flashback. Like someone struck a guitar cord. That’s when not giving them the response their wanting is a bit more difficult.
Great Video, you are spot on !!! I totally experienced all those examples, with the Narcs , back in time I was so confused.... It’s great you giving examples, & how to role play ....I know you helping a lot of people....!!! Thank you 🙏🏻 so much ❣️
I can also relate to being ig ores in public. With mg family, Its like i have to tag along everywhere obey them and they make sure they keep you ignored and tagged along at the same time. And when I tried to move. They woiod either bully me to stay with then or give fake assurance. Sounds childish but it applies to all situations and gatherings as you gown up with a toxic family. I never had a say in my own choices. Ad now im so confused what they actually are. Coming bacj on track with them...
It is frustrating when they will not pull their weight but then act like you are the one toxic. Or they will not even speak and do something they think will irritate you walking by. Like one person thinks whistling irritates me so specifically they will whistle while only walking by me. Ignoring them doesn't stop them.
Sometimes people slip into these behaviors because they have been too lazy. They probably saw these same manipulative behaviors growing up and may not even realize how ridiculous they're acting. When I changed my expectations and calmly and lovingly refused to participate, things shifted and peace ensued. As long as I argued or let myself feel bad, nothing changed for many years. I finally grew up enough myself to see the way. Don't assume it isn't fixable...but please don't let anyone determine how you feel. And don't be hard on yourself as you figure out the difference. There's probably a good reason you're open to this bad behavior, but there is no reason you can't change that. Life is short. Make it beautiful! Stop being a victim of anything. Become a person who values compassion for both yourself and others. 💞
Regarding the examples given about how to handle toxic spouses.......there better be a whole lot of money involved or something really important to get out of the relationship to put up with these kind of tactics by toxic people like that long term. Why would anyone want to be married to somebody like that??? If you got to play head games every day in your own home, that's no home.
Living like this full time is crazy making....I feel I would have to train myself not to be myself......which is kinda why I'm in the shape I am already. How does it get this bad.
I tottally felt alone my whole marriage but I've stooped to her level cuzz I was drinking which I stopped since the last time I realized me acting like the narracist cuzz my emotions turned to anger I apologized cuzz I knew I was wrong cuzz really not that person and grey rocked her since it's been two weeks and now she's trying to call me again acting like there worried about me as if I'm dead in my house smh I called this ahead of time I need a lot of healing thanks for all your help
Hang in there brother, my deflection shield was popping a beer when she started raging.. working on changing that since the divorce is in the works.. thank gawd...!! MUCHO thx to Michelle..!
U too buddy it's been a rough 7 years with mines she's been gone only two months been no contact but she needs to be off my family plan so she had to call today didn't answer but she'll find her way tomorrow she's keeping me strung along by a dumb phone bill she needs to get off cuzz it's so bad I want my money but don't want to have to see her for it every once a month so that needs to go now she's on Facebook with exes for friends and we both never used it before I never did anyways still don't much love brother
Stay strong, dont give in to your ego telling you "one day she understand how I tried to help her".. there will be no reward at the end of this for you if you give into her. I stuck around 30 yrs and it has seriously taken a toll on my happines, financial and health well being..
Sorry to hear that idk how anyone can deal with a narcissist she was slowly killing me couldn't get any of my goals achieved until she was gone crazy but I'm sure u can relate
Don't Feel Along, Plenty have SAME Problem. Really... SAD When Its Your Mom. SOoooo! Proud of Those That Was Diligent and Pressed Through... Hooray... Plenty gave Up. Its A Powerful Struggle to live Thru.
@@priyasebastian I married one and it's worse living with them. I used to be a different person. I feel lost now. I have issues now because I can't seem to move forward. I'm never good enough. Sorry ranting 😁.
Another spot on video Michele thanks, i agree use the silent treatment as some me time to focus on yourself instead of the Narchole. My silent treatment went on for over a year then when the inevitable happened lol and the Narchole showed up i had allready decided that things would not change for the better and what happened at that time just cemented things. so my door closed for the last time on them. Now i have me time to focus on myself and what is important to me. Why put all your energy and focus into a Narchole when it becomes obvious they just want to put you down to the level they are on because they have no selfasteem, respect etc the list goes on and it is a long list.
So relived the more i learn the more i can see and really am beginning to see through this fog . Clearly livin the priceless truth that you so simply and eloquently present has helped me immeasurably. From the center of my being I thank you
Well one thing i would like to know as you said we have to do the reverse psychology ignore and make them feel it doenst matter if any of their behaviour is bothering but if they still continue doing seeing it even we dont care what then? Like they make that act as normal and they just wana have fun together internally knowing that this thing is bothering ?
Don't play their game, just leave. Normal people want to improve themselves or just be a normal adults. We all grow up with issues but we decide how we treat people and how we want to be treated. Reverse sychology, silent treatment that's playing there game it is easy to be a child like them don't make them wonder leave them they can wonder when your gone. Don't try to fix.
I love you and your chanel, you are the one that really gave me valuable advice because you are the one who really knows what is going on! Love you so much! 💋 XOXO
I give him a mark out of 10 (in my mind) and if he needs it, an Oscar. He gave me the look the other day but because he was about 20 metres a way, he added excessive shoulder slumps and a humph. I’d just watched your last video and breathed then laughed under my neutral facial expression. The funny thing was if he’d asked me about his situation beforehand, he wouldn’t have had the problem. Thanks, Michele!
oh my gosh when you spoke on the silent treatment. I remember with my ex when she would either start chaos or start the silent treatment. I would disengage with it and not allow it to bother me. I would grab my favorite book and begin reading. It was fine for a while, but eventually, she stopped giving me the silent treatment and started attacking me reading lol What a low. But I never understood it until now - thank you!
Always moving things around so that I couldn’t do things efficiently, especially in the kitchen. Or starting a big project like moving all of the furniture around, then leaving it in an uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous state, so I had to spend the entire rest of the day cleaning it up while he ignored me and sat there like an iceberg at the computer doing something so much more important than anything that I could possibly be doing, even though I was paying all the bills.
Great advise Michele. The outsmarting can last for so long before it drives you nuts. The narcissist is relentless and never give up. The only solution is to run away as fast as you can. You truly do help me in understanding my 22 year marriage to a full blown narcissist now 5.5 years divorced. Thank God for that!! Ciao!!
You was true,I have toxic people in my work place exactly even my soupervisor she a toxic boss on me,they are try to look way me to get fired but I’m very powerful to them I hurt them with my silence.
The trouble with me is dissociation... Delay in processing and then thinking it through hours or days or weeks later and realising what they did was actually really rude or something that should instantly be challenged. I hate this
The late realization may be because in the past, this behavior was seen as "normal", or it was something that you couldn't do anything about (in he case of a child). I am now seeing the reality of "back-handed compliments" and passive aggressive remarks about me that a sibling made in public. Because it was a surprise and public, I didn't respond in any way. Now I have learned what I could have done, and will do if it happens again.
I like this. More on passive aggressive behaviors please. I like what you said 'When we tell toxic people what hurts us--they do it more. (When we expose that.) They covertly hide it but continue to do it more.' I have employees who do this tactic all the time. When I'm just far enough away from them they say something mean about about me. Example 'he is not a man,' 'he is a bad manager,' etc. The 'toxic,' charismatic person who is behind these passed on abusive behaviors encourages them to use these behaviors. When you confront them about this they later discuss what I told them in confidence--with the 'toxic,' person and he gets them to start doing this behavior again. How do you deal with this tactic when it is being used against you all the time. I am told by my boss 'oh just ignore it and let them talk amongst themselves.' When you listen to these suggestions and do what they are telling you to do--this empowers the abusive behavior and it continues to grow and continue and grow (It's a cycle that escalates). How do you stop this behavior when you confront them about it and they deny it. They smile and act nice when you talk to them but continue this tactic as soon as your out of immediate range where deniability is an option?
if you really want to piss them off mirror their insults but instead of bad manager change it to bad workers. Speak badly about them whilst pretending to be on the phone with someone.
It sucks when your own older sis or sis in law are manipulative individuals and jealous of u... sad. Toxic people just need to go. U choosing to be toxic is not my responsibility. They intentionally like to aggravate and frustrate you, it’s never an accident...This clarity is amazing!
i like that she iterates to apply these techniques in a toxic relationship not a healthy one. They are manipulative techniques and using them on someone who doesn’t deserve it to boost your control will make you the toxic one.
I have beat myself up about this. I have to struggle with feeling like somehow my joy for life is not normal because of the people who have a problem with it. I eventually found out that they basically want you to become either as miserable as them, or want you to amount to nothing because that gives them personal satisfaction. Living with someone like this is devastating and limits your huge potential. I am finally taking back my life and challenging anyone who has a problem with me for any reason. I have tried everything to appease these people and when I was at my most vulnerable, all the things they wanted me to be, they used to reject and isolate me. They don't want to help you, they want to hurt and destroy you and they will always have a problem with you and the smartest way to deal with them is not to deal with them. Detach emotionally, do not engage and carry on with your life the way it was meant to live. You deserve to be happy.
I was in an 5yr relationship on and off with a covert narcissist. Within the 4th year I saw him for the pathetic person he was and started to act like I didn’t care. He tried for the next year to kill my spirit, ruin everything I liked-holidays birthday etc but I stood strong. Little did he know I had therapy, I built supports, and was solely focused on myself. When it finally ended he called me a self centered narcissist. Lol total joke
These are feminine techniques. Both the person doing the action and the phony p/a reaction/response. You can avoid all this if you confront them on their p/a action, never let them off the hook, make them explain. It will stop their bs.... permanently, or at least make them think about doing whatever because of the potential confrontation..
This is great advice when you have no choice, but this gets so complicated. Manipulating the manipulator. Best just to move on & find someone that actually knows what it means to love. People don’t change unless they want to & bring God into it. Unless they’re willing to do that, it’s not worth it. “Bad company corrupts good character”.
Hm! So, in order to always have a clean kitchen you have to invent competitions between husbands? First of all, I don't think this tactic will work ad infinitum because the more you use it, the more you risk that the narcissist realizes what you're doing. Secondly, is time-consuming and nerve-consuming to always invent tactics. At the end of the day, you still lost a lot of energy just to make someone do things right. On the long run you are still much better without such individuals in your life. Having a stright and clear conversation with a normal person consumes much less energy. So why not dealing with normal sain people?!
Dealing with it now but she doesn't pay my bills, she doesn't accomplish my dreams for me and her silent treatment won't work. Fact is I'm happier than I ever been, and enjoy learning about these personality disorders cuz I'm not bitter or unhappy so I can better focus on the messages here without being emotional about any of it. Those aren't my monkeys so it's not my zoo...I've learned to like the man I've become and I refuse to give my power away. Fact is far as my happiness goes...she didn't make it she can't break it LOL.
I disagree with pretending it doesn't bother you. That's fake and I am not about being fake. Best is to avoid that person. If you're dating or married to that type of person who disrespect you, "Bye!" No time for that at all.
I otherwise, you have to not care. Sadly, in a sense, you have to become somewhat of a narcissist in return. If you are engaging, or countering, you are still being maneuvered by the narcissist behavior. The only way to not be reduced is to not care. You must remove yourself emotionally, coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing healthy or true coming from this person. Therefore, the narcissist with all their manipulations must become insignificant to you. You have to give up on all you hoped for in the relationship, mourn the loss of something that never really had, and move on.
BOY,!!!!! You have to be a smart smart person or a psychiatrist!!!!! I have been around such persons and it is hard because they are so hypocritical and lie like nothing, they are impossible!!!! I find leaving them a long. The jealousy the competitiveness, the control is craziness . I guess I am much more healthier than I realized!!!!!
I just watched this & the video you recommended watching before this one. It amazes me how you put into words exactly what my ex did to me for 21 years. We've been separated for 4 years now & it's still hard to explain to people what happened to me. It's so helpful to be understood, thank you! That being said, your advice seems to be encouraging playing games & staying in a relationship that will eventually destroy you. The only time I could see using your tips would be with parents, kids & relatives that you can't disconnect from, &/or with a spouse/partner while formulating your plan for leaving the relationship. I DO believe you're not encouraging people to stay, but maybe you should preface your videos with that advice. It is especially important to clarify this because when we are in these mind-f-ing relationships we often don't trust ourselves, our thoughts or our decision-making process & have been trained to believe everything is our fault. As a result, we might take this as encouragement to change ourselves to keep the relationship, when what we should be doing is running for our lives.
Bonnie Newkirk-Rhoades ...Bonnie..have you been living my life too...Your response here to this video is so spot on with what hell I’ve lived for 23 years...I feel I know you or you must be ‘my secret sister’....
The moral of the story, do not be around people that make you feel uncomfortable. Especially those that make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells in their presence.
Exactly! I left my job because of how horrible it was constantly walking on egg shells around my manager.
It’s hard when that person is at work and you love your job.
Wear sunglasses or respond while you walk away from them, it does not give them the supply/energy they want to steal from you. I’ve learned this unplanned. I see them squirm or laugh nervously, because they missed their target. If they can’t have eye contact with you, they can’t shoot.
Bmore Mom Nice! So, basically, when you buy sun-glasses you also buy narc-glasses? Now I understand why my former narc boss did not liked that I weared sunglasses. Apparently, she considered them to be offending. I told her that I need them because I have sensibility to light (which is true), but still, she barelly accepted it and only after several other people confirmed it. Should I mention that she was also behaving like we were rivals of some sort? Yup, she did so from the very beginning, despite the fact that she was the one who hired me. And maybe she needed to see my eyes in order to read my thoughts and plan her next reply...
@@eeaotly Thanks for sharing confirmation! Yes, they must see your eyes (the window to your soul) to extract the supply of praise/worship or release their insidious abuse, so they want to see your fear, pain, anger, etc... Yeah narc-shield-glasses!
I....LOVE...Mines...I...Smiled....and... Shook... My...Head...At...A...HATER....SO...Pitiful.. And... CRAZY
@@eeaotly im getting me some sunglasses!
@Tewdy Quew seems cowardly but really its a smart way to stay away
It’s a really big red flag-one of the biggest-when people can’t stand your happiness or success!!!
I just left a job I absolutely love because the owner of the restaurant is a malignant narcissist. I found out on my last day that she had been going around telling my coworkers and customers that I’m fake and that my happiness is an act! The funny thing....she is really just talking about herself. It hurt me because I am sensitive and kind and a people person naturally but I was able to let it go rather quickly. I saw this woman for who she was and she couldn’t stand it. I have no job now and no prospects but I don’t care. I am free and that is priceless. 🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕💕
That is really sad that people cannot even handle being around genuinely happy people. It is like people thrive off of negativity or want you to have low self esteem. Then if you walk around with a mean look on your face people will have something to say. You cannot win for losing keep being you and dont change. True people will appreciate your inner beauty and approachable demeanor.
I was fired by a malignant narcissist and he torpedoed my next job offer. Jokes on him.. I went to a competitor and got a raise 🙌
That says something about that person. Not about you. Be happy you left. Nothing else matters. If your manager doesn't know how to not gossip she shouldn't be in a managers position. Even if you are fake. Who cares? It's about how you do your job. If your colleagues couldn't stand up for you or didn't stand up for you, which means they also stand up for a healthy work culture, they are not worth your attention.
I got fired two years ago from in hindsight the worst team and the worst manipulative manager. I really felt bad at work all the time but I needed money ofc... it really sucked because I was trying so hard to succeed. It was a culture with a lot of women(sorry) and one guy as a manager. The culture was just completely messed up and everybody stabbed each other in the back about bs to survive. When I left the manager was looking at my LinkedIn page every week on the same day of the week just to f with me. I wrote about my experiences and the toxic culture inside the team and sent it to a colleague of his. I saw him in the city once after and he was looking really angry at me.I said hello and moved on haha. I am soooo glad I don't work there anymore and have a job where the manager is very respectful towards the employees. And everyone who still works there is still complaining on whatsapp or manipulating.
That happened to me in nursing on my first job returning to my home state, and I desperately needed the work. As a single mom then, leaving was the last thing I could afford, and I had no one to turn to. Nursing itself is full of bullies; I pushed through though, rescued myself, and today my son and I work as a team and earn in a day what used to take a month. Staying true to self paid off.
@@laurielbrooks6079 Had to grow up in a family like this. Not everyone, but certain individuals tended to say hurtful things when I was happy and expressing my joy.
Observe don’t absorb is a great technique. It’s the same as being emotionally detached. A lot of people in the comments are referring to it as a “trick.” It’s not a trick or a ploy, it’s a practice one can generally use in life. It simply means you don’t allow yourself to get pulled into someone else’s toxicity.
Thank you for this brilliant insight!
The problem is i can act like im not absorbing but inside im a mess and cant sleep, want to not think !!!!!
I love that comment. Thank you ❤
@@shirleymorales3161yes, EXACTLY! God bless 💜
This is very difficult because the intent is obvious and playing dumb has a way of feeling fake for me. Unfortunately, this occurs often and practice opportunities come often.
The toxic person does not deserve our positive attitude. These tactics are good to use while making moves and plans to end the relationship. The toxic relationship is not worth your while. Choose an exit date and commit to it. You will have sufficient time to plan and fortify your positive attitude. These people do not exist in reality. If they were a fly you would have swatted them out of your existence already, not turn it into a pet.
being with a toxic person makes US into a toxic person. the way other people think WE are the toxic one instead of them & how we have to adjust our behavior around them just to get by--appearing and acting toxic ourselves! 😖🥴
It really is easy to adapt, i mean they say "you're who you hang out with" that sucks, so get rid of them is the best rather than waste time and feel bad by hanging with them.
This is taking someone's behavior and not allowing it to make you toxic as well. By letting toxic manipulation affect us not to act the way they do and instead of reacting to it just absorbing it.
She's an angel... You saved me
King Solomon me too
Me too. She still does🌸🕊💗
What is her hand signs
Also, THANK them for helping you accomplish do a,b or c and they will stop whatever behavior is irritating you. For example, my father in law would come unannounced to our house to annoy me. So, I thanked him for babysitting, so I could finish packing for a weekend trip we were getting ready for. His face of disgust was awesome. I just smiled in delight. He hasn’t come back unannounced 😀!
Gratitude is powerful! Lol))
Beautiful counterattack 🤞🏽
LOL...Good Tips
Bmore Mom I’m gonna use this, I hope that’s ok. Clever. Same with the sunglasses trick as I have Autism and epilepsy and other medical issues.
Lobotomy try trolling a dictionary site.
Decades ago I learned that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. Such freedom in walking in this truth. Also, no one is responsible for reading someone else's mind. Communicate your mind if you want someone else to know what you're wanting,thinking, expecting, feeling. Expect others to communicate their mind & heart if they want to as well.
Like she said, I think it’s carried on by family. They do as their parents do. I would hope they’d realize the hole they’re in and turn it around, but from everything on here, the majority don’t.
She mentioned that kind of stuff doesn't typically work on toxic people. So while it's excellent for maintaining a good r.ship, maybe a relationship gone sour or there's just some weak communication in an otherwise usual relationship.. worse people are much harder to deal with, bc you can't reason with an unreasonable person who might destroy your whole life
OMG! The ignoring scenario! To the 'T'. At one point in my relationship, I naturally did the 'walk away and find something else to do' when I was intentionally ignored, and I later got asked if I felt ignored because I walked away. Inside I was thinking "you conniving brat!" But I replied "oh, not at all I just found something I wanted to check out. I didn't even notice you weren't around". The confused look was amazing! Sad we have to resort to this pretentious behavior though 😔
You sound like a POS, yourself. If you can actually take that constructive criticism, you'd probably benefit greatly. Fighting fire with fire is going to leave you and the other person both atop of 2 piles of ash, still bitching and blaming EachOther for what was done.
On the topic of timing, I remember one strategy from the guitarist and improvised music legend Derek Bailey, when 2 other musicians, Han & Evan, arrived to a recording session 1 hour late, as soon they arrived he packed his guitar up and said to them "see you in an hour, i'm having my lunch"
Wonderfull
This takes so much self-control and endurance, but truly...there is no other way! It takes great mental strength.
It’s easier to just purge toxic people out of your life, problem us there are so many. Good advice though if you’re stuck with them
This explains SO much!!! The smear campaign starts before you even leave... Wow. This makes so many things make so much sense!! Thank you!
You are so right on. Many of us are taught to please others. But, even Jesus often did not act to please others.🙄
I wish I'd known this years ago! You have shared a massive power source here for fueling self-confidence in the face adversity with a Narc!
Thank you so much!!!
You don't have to look at the look you feel it.
I forgot a word I meant you can feel it
absolutely even in the dark from behind your back even when they are speaking to someone else you feel in like laser on your back
Yes, it hits your guts, causes emotional termoil inside you.
Thanks for calling it out. It's so hard to admit they are doing these nasty behaviors on purpose, but as I hear you talk, I know it's true. I've gone through 30 years of it with my husband. Always just thinking there is something wrong with him, like he can't think properly. Like his thinking is disorganized. But it's not. It's been calculated to obtain the maximum frustration and exhaustion of me. It's a hard pill to swallow. But, I appreciate this knowledge. Knowledge is the way out. Thank You.
The “acting like you don’t notice it” is so funny because I do this all the time. And it’s so funny hearing that this actually advised to do hahah. Wow.
I would apply these techniques particularly in respect of the 'look' & the 'moods,' however, this would often escalate the issue.
While nothing would happen publicly, my 'non-response' would be construed as my not caring etc which would often produce days long monologues of abuse.
So, while it might work in the moment, it was dreadful afterward.
How would you deal with the repercussions of these very valid options that our narcissists will obviously very much dislike?
Get out of the relationship.
@@jennifersoens6692 Thank-you Jennifer. I am out of it thankfully and am well on the way to healing now. 💙💙
Sooooo glad to hear that!!! 💜💜
Run don’t walkm
I'm so sorry to hear of that pain I understand what you're going through.
My mom was chronically tardy for every planned event. My hubby and I started telling her the start time was 30mins prior to when it actually was. Over time she realized she was on time and actually asked about it. I laughed and said “well, we’ve noticed you always show up 30mins late, so we give you a time 30mins earlier than everyone else.” At first she started to argue that she wasn’t late, and then realized it was futile. She said “well, you don’t have to do that anymore.” She never apologized or admitted fault, but she was never late again. I now realize she was doing this on purpose in order to make her narcissistic grand entrance.
Yes when they are not trying to be punctual or apologetic about lateness. I used to always be late due to cptsd but was close to tears, struggling & very apologetic every time. They train you with a deeply carved neural pathway!!!
today I finally had the strength to dump my narcissist girlfriend. going no contact starts now! I have blocked her and deleted on everything. its time to move on with my life. my mind and soul is still very messed up tho, I'm so mentally drained i feel numb. I really need to heal.. if anyone can help me or give me advise I appreciate it, and I'm glad I can be apart of this community. if anyone could comment it would mean the world to me. I hope everyone has a good day, remember to love yourself
It's been 9 months since you posted. I hope you are doing well.
Don't let yourself slump into guilt , for stepping away . GET SLEEP , VIT B1 , AND GOOD MUSIC , I listen to Beautiful compositions , John Williams Hans Zimmer , serve the deserving ,include yourself . . Eat non toxic food , ease up on yourself. Be a giver , to others and don't forget yourself . , ❤❤❤
This is dangerous ground to thread ... I remember as a kid at social events with my narc parents, they'd say or do something to kill our (my brother and i) enjoyment of the party, but I'd choose not to respond and act happy the rest of the day, play with my cousins, etc ..... Then watch out for when you're back home alone with them, that's when you "get" it, the abuse, the guilt trips they laid on us, then you'd get punished for something you didn't even do, or you did in their imagination only. Same thing happened with an ex narc significant other, he'd try to kill my enjoyment of the party by saying something mean or ignoring me, or some other stupid game. But i didn't let it kill my joy, I kept on talking with people, having fun. Then same scenario as with my parents, once alone he'd lash out at me for no reason, accusing me of things and behaviours I didn't even do or display. So just be careful because it does backfire. Maybe make sure they don't see you having fun. And most important, get out of the relationship, leave, save yourself, you owe it to You.
Michelle, great video as usual. I appreciate how articulate you are, your ability to demonstrate these toxic behaviours. Thanks so much.
I agree! What I learned to do as a child was to invent a passion or weakness I didn't actually have, so that the toxic parent would go for that target to hurt me. Then pretend to be hurt by their barb so they're happy, without them having actually affected your true self. It was hard to do because my toxic parent was a psychotherapist, but I did eventually figure out how to play the victim they want to see without being one. Still - much better to get out if you can!
Thanks for your input@@Maren617 . Funny...... I used to do something similar as a kid. Whenever there was something I really liked or was passionate about, I made sure NOT to talk about it, keep it to myself. Maybe that's why today I'm rather secretive about my art projects. I developped the fear, almost superstition, that if I talk about what I wanna do, it won't come to path. Thanks for this dialogue, it helps us uncover, understand, who we are.
@@borealiswan2363 Me too! Also into art, just rediscovering it now that I'm making a recovery, and I have also always had lots of trouble talking about the things I truly love, trying to protect them. But I'm actually going to change that now, share my art openly with friends on social media, get lots of feedback from normal people, and will just use Michelle's techniques to reply to any abusive comments and won't let them bother me. I'm a free adult now and no longer have to hide who I am.
@@borealiswan2363 OMG yes my person have 3 bio sisters and step mother that I feel secretly stalking me and they always want to know what I'm up to and asking around the sly way.... I was an open book because I wanted to help my X-human and his sisters go through their family traumas so I reveal and shared too much details of what i'm up to, what helped me through my tough times how I heal traumas and reveal certain techniques of Mind Control that back fired against my better judgement... I thought they wanted to start on shadow work which is why I gave them my instructors contacts ... my instructor told warned me that a few people with their energies came to learn Mind Control techniques with shady intentions and they were hiding their true identities and were evasive in demeanor. I long stop contact and learn other things without their knowledge. Those group of humans delve in some shady Javanese Black magic and and information they acquired from me ended up stabbing me in the back... took away the one I loved and cared the most (my lovely friends..street cats) one by one and finally broke my emotional/ psychological defenses and my health collapsed along with my finances. I sought no one, trust no one, I moved back with my family working on side work and building my portfolio. Those are signs from Universe to do some heavy processing and detoxing. I will cut and block anyone suspicious or toxic from my life even if it will add fuel to their gossip, bad mouthing in order to garner supporters I no longer give any time or meanings to petty behaviours. I hope they grow up spiritually and purify their heavy karmic entanglements~be done, be free, stay safe and stay quiet bout your business for now!
@@leisurelyarting What a sad, terrible story ! Glad your instructor saw through them. Keep growing, I know it's very hard, but be strong. Sounds like you've done a lot of useful work in order to stay safe. Sending good vibes
I appreciate your videos especially this one Michelle cause I get alot of those looks by these types of people after someone smearing my name . We should just smile , wave and act confident around these toxic people . It might be difficult but I need to practice and love myself . Accept that they wanna chose to hate you're right we can't control them .
I ll try all the methods you mentioned , not letting them know it bothers you is something I have to put more in to practice ☝️️🎯thank you for your channel! 🎖
I found that mirroring is the best tool.. If they cant get a reaction from you, that really sets them off, but they will leave you alone eventually
Thank you Michelle
My husband is a pastor, zero interpersonal skills, gaslighting me daily and I have FINALLY awakened. Just didn't know how to deal with it. You hit the nail in the head. "Making mistakes" was the lightbulb that I couldn't figure out. Thanks for the tip on how to deal with it. I need to distance and allow him to fail. Yes, when they discovered that we're bothered by their behavior they do it more. And he denies that he's toxic. He's always gaslighting.
Pray Psalm 18
It's a spiritual battle, the religious pretenders tortured and murdered innocent Jesus. He will protect you. I fled everything and it was worth the freedom. These are wolves in sheep's clothing and only want to kill steal and destroy...🙏🔥🕊
She mentioned the kitchen cleaning experiment. But that’s just putting your finger in the dike. And if you’re sticking your finger in every new hole that pops up, it gets exhausting. I think the solution is to let the wall break and run as fast as you can.
@@entrthedragonWhat is putting your finger in the dike?
Yes they make us look mad bad etc I'm just an empath surviving 😭😭👽🤐🙏🏽🐇🙌🏼
toxic relationships and toxic people are waste of time. Drop them out of your life, they are not worth your time, your energy and not worth of manipulating the truth just to deal with them. Michele, you basically advise people to waste energy on toxic people. Dealing with toxic people is still wasting energy. IMHO
WELL SAID
14 aggressive ppl dislike lol. You go girl thanks for all your positive and educational videos!!! You’ve been super helpful.
It’s great that you ( Michele ) refer to them and not him all the time. This behavior is not gender specific.
When we tell toxic people what hurts us, they do it more yess OMG how sad this is 😐
Sumeyye Unfortunately 😞
Exactly .. they store in their mind fk ery bank
@@victoriavitoroulis3273 how can they stand being that way...i dont get it
Like they can't help it, it's havit and insecurities that they need to address which sooner or later they will hopefully if people do not allow it.
David U yes 🙄
Great insights, always, Michele! There were so many things I did, as a young wife, that I thought were non-negotiable, such as traveling across the country to visit his relatives. When I'd had one bad experience after another during these visits, I came to a huge realization (Eureka!) I didn't have to go!! So I stopped, many years ago, and get a vacation from him when he goes alone. The relatives can think what they like. I don't care. There are so many wrong assumptions that we make, based in our upbringing, that can and must be challenged to come to a peaceful, contented life. Counselors like you, Michele, are so helpful in breaking the chains that have kept us miserable....Thank you!
This is sage advice ! So it's fighting 🔥 fire with water 💦- instead of fighting fire with fire ( which never made sense?) I ve been watching your videos for a while and they keep getting better and better Michelle👈👏👏👏🙌👍
They just too ill to live with them damn they need all of that studying !!how complicated these persons
The toxic people I know do all of the above, and I've just learned to ignore them--they don't exist in my view. And in the corner of my eyes I can see them cross their arms, roll their eyes, and storm off. It enrages them to get no response from me, to be ignored, and to not be the center of attention. But oh well, that's exactly what they're doing to me, and I'm just dishing it back.
I once heard the quote "Don't Oil the Squeaky Wheel" and I think it relates to the topic Intentional Mistakes.
I fixed the mistakes of the narcissist at work and by doing that they became my responsibility and part of my duties.
It took me a long time to figure out that it was a trick.
I've put a lot of this into use, definitely works, i'm not absorbing their B.S. nor losing control of my own world. They start moody, then unpleasant towards me, then self-pity, then some acting out towards inanimate objects (slamming a door, passive-aggressively put the dishes away), and when they realise they aren't getting what they want, they stomp off in a huff, often for about 5-15 minutes, then come back as if nothing occurred. I suppose that 5-15 minutes is as long as they can last before having to face who they really are, because when they come back they are in total mirror mode.
Carl Spencer sounds familiar it’s exhausting also just observing and not responding..
@@Rahel8811 I know what you mean, but I think as a tool it is incredibly helpful to keep them at bay. I think of it as like body-suits police wear to train their dogs...yes you can still feel the bite through the suit, but were you not wearing it you'd probably have your whole arm ripped off!
I'm expanding my career & redoing my office. Meeting nicer people & taking no BS. Boundaries are set in stone. If I say something it's short. On social media, I go on ocassionally: joke, tell how happy I'm & expanding my career successfully, without saying any information. I refuse to argrue, because I refuse to feed the beast. Redoing myself, for the better.
If you have to create strategies to "trick" a partner into simply doing the right thing, what kind of "healthy" relationship is THAT?!
It's NOT.
I love it Michelle! My x used to do this when we would go on walks together or went places together all the time. I remember right after our honeymoon I was excited to go to the grocery store together and cook a meal together. When we got to the store he literally ran off from me. I couldn't find him and I was so hurt,confused and devastated by this behavior. I just realized this memory was a toxic behavior of him ignoring me on purpose to control my emotions and steal my joy away. It still hurts when I think of it. Your videos and words to use against the toxic Narcassist are so great!!! Thank you!
Wow! Sounds like I married is brother 😄 Blessings to you 🙏🏼🥰
@@sheilaprice1942 Lol. I think it's pure evil and that's why there are multiple people doing the exact same behavior. Lol
I usually love the silent treatment for the exact reasons mentioned in this video. But most of all, because silent treatment means SILENCE! Silence like in no fighting, hurling, yelling. Silence like in "I can hear my own thoughts and I xan really focus on them". That type of silence.
Cristiana Nicolae Right... In the beginning when he would do it it literally ate at me and would mess up my days how ever long he decided to do it but now now I welcome it ... It’s a break for me now... Sad that I’m even still with this person but in time I’m sure I will smarten up...
Christiana - YES! Same here - I thought I was weird because everyone always talks about how devastated they are when they get the silent treatment. I was always so glad for the break from the yelling. Especially since he almost never shut up. He acted like he would die if he wasn't running his mouth constantly interrupting me.
Yes, I have the same. In silent treatment I can focus on myself again and feel better
I think the hard solution is to have a face to face and resolve it. If they’re unwilling, tell them it’s a deal breaker not to. It’s what adults do. If they don’t, they don’t care about you.
Silent treatment is abusive. Used by abusers.
Strategies with narcs don’t work,they change the goalposts constantly.but these are good.except the manipulating the narc to do what you want I believe is short term win,long term massive costs.always costs.
Yep that's the MO - ever-moving goal posts. Funny how ANGRY they get when called out on this.
A policy of no reaction infuriates and defeats them.
Watching BONES, season 3, episode 14 and it nails how dangerous manipulative people are when we encounter them! The Wannabe In The Weeds.
So many mysteries nailed narcissism in various stages but until YOU, Michelle, I never had the tools to ID what it is and what to do or not do. Thank you 🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸🌺🌸
Tolstoi novels, or meditations by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius give clues about human nature and wisdom pills to epower ourselves. Khalil Gibran and Mary Oliver are Poets of love, wondering and wilderness. In self care, it helped me a lot.
If you prefer series writing techniques, Edgar Allan Poe 's short stories.
Milk n' Kisses
You are just so so right. All the silent treatment that he does to me is because im focusing on me and how i wanted it to end and how much it makes me so anxious and so confuse and hurtful. Now that i know his game all i need to do is focus on what can i do 'at that moment" to make me happy. Thats the key word. Thanks very much. Its so helpful. And when he smear me and is counting on my old responses to explode, that is exactly what i will not do.
The silent treatment must be heavenly with a toxic person.
But why continue a relationship like that??
I would walk away. Just pack my things and leave 🙄
Then they could just sit there...
Can't walk away when it's your adult child.
I'm a narcissist's daughter... my mother is a real sick person. Was hard to live with her, without knowing her problem. I have no money to survive at that time. Now I live alone... hut a lot of people live the way I was... how to go out..
L.D. Can’t walk away if it’s your husband...When the financial picture is risky and to strike out on your own is debilitating.
There are situations where you do have to plan carefully how to leave. Not everyone can just up and leave, unfortunately.
The ex narc tried to give me the silent treatment for 2 days so I finally got some rest, looked up a new hobby and sang in the shower (I hadn't done that in years) He had a major violent meltdown and started screaming I'm abusive for being so happy not to talk to him for 2 whole days. Ugh
Not having great punctuality is not always done on purpose!! I should know....lol
I am noticing this lose of energy around two people lately. To avoid it on Saturday I felt I had to put a shield around my heart as I realized everything I said was being discounted.
I am particularly sensitive to voice tones of people recently. Hearing how people speak to each other often feels hostile or passive aggressive with me. I noticed the person I am closest with when I speak with them my happiness increases and I do not feel I must shield my heart.
Thank you for your strategies.
Simply intelligent and beautiful approach in dealing with these otherwise "tangling situations. " Thank you so much dearest Michelle for existing and sharing your wisdom. 💝
I love these ideas and have tried them in the past. The only time I find it extremely difficult is when thier behaviour triggers an emotional flashback. Like someone struck a guitar cord. That’s when not giving them the response their wanting is a bit more difficult.
AmazonKC ...it’s very difficult...You just want to lash out at them...hurt them to wake them up...
Great Video, you are spot on !!!
I totally experienced all those examples, with the Narcs , back in time I was so confused....
It’s great you giving examples, & how to role play ....I know you helping a lot of people....!!!
Thank you 🙏🏻 so much ❣️
Why do they seem to care more about acquaintances and friends more the family?
Dee A ..is it all @bout image...They have to let outsiders believe that they are alright...
I've done this... It totally drains the toxic people. Throughout that gathering... But I do feel strong vibes from everywhere.
I can also relate to being ig ores in public. With mg family, Its like i have to tag along everywhere obey them and they make sure they keep you ignored and tagged along at the same time. And when I tried to move. They woiod either bully me to stay with then or give fake assurance. Sounds childish but it applies to all situations and gatherings as you gown up with a toxic family. I never had a say in my own choices. Ad now im so confused what they actually are. Coming bacj on track with them...
It is frustrating when they will not pull their weight but then act like you are the one toxic. Or they will not even speak and do something they think will irritate you walking by. Like one person thinks whistling irritates me so specifically they will whistle while only walking by me. Ignoring them doesn't stop them.
Sometimes people slip into these behaviors because they have been too lazy. They probably saw these same manipulative behaviors growing up and may not even realize how ridiculous they're acting. When I changed my expectations and calmly and lovingly refused to participate, things shifted and peace ensued. As long as I argued or let myself feel bad, nothing changed for many years. I finally grew up enough myself to see the way. Don't assume it isn't fixable...but please don't let anyone determine how you feel. And don't be hard on yourself as you figure out the difference. There's probably a good reason you're open to this bad behavior, but there is no reason you can't change that. Life is short. Make it beautiful! Stop being a victim of anything. Become a person who values compassion for both yourself and others. 💞
Very good - Thanks for teaching us how to play this bl00dy game
Regarding the examples given about how to handle toxic spouses.......there better be a whole lot of money involved or something really important to get out of the relationship to put up with these kind of tactics by toxic people like that long term. Why would anyone want to be married to somebody like that??? If you got to play head games every day in your own home, that's no home.
Living like this full time is crazy making....I feel I would have to train myself not to be myself......which is kinda why I'm in the shape I am already. How does it get this bad.
It’s exhausting,, you are correct.... It’s gotten really bad.... Stay strong and never give up.. 1Love
Save yourselves walk away !!!!!!!
I tottally felt alone my whole marriage but I've stooped to her level cuzz I was drinking which I stopped since the last time I realized me acting like the narracist cuzz my emotions turned to anger I apologized cuzz I knew I was wrong cuzz really not that person and grey rocked her since it's been two weeks and now she's trying to call me again acting like there worried about me as if I'm dead in my house smh I called this ahead of time I need a lot of healing thanks for all your help
Hang in there brother, my deflection shield was popping a beer when she started raging.. working on changing that since the divorce is in the works.. thank gawd...!! MUCHO thx to Michelle..!
U too buddy it's been a rough 7 years with mines she's been gone only two months been no contact but she needs to be off my family plan so she had to call today didn't answer but she'll find her way tomorrow she's keeping me strung along by a dumb phone bill she needs to get off cuzz it's so bad I want my money but don't want to have to see her for it every once a month so that needs to go now she's on Facebook with exes for friends and we both never used it before I never did anyways still don't much love brother
Stay strong, dont give in to your ego telling you "one day she understand how I tried to help her".. there will be no reward at the end of this for you if you give into her. I stuck around 30 yrs and it has seriously taken a toll on my happines, financial and health well being..
Sorry to hear that idk how anyone can deal with a narcissist she was slowly killing me couldn't get any of my goals achieved until she was gone crazy but I'm sure u can relate
I hate to admit that my mother does these things, especially when around the rest of my family and siblings.
Don't Feel Along, Plenty have SAME Problem. Really... SAD When Its Your Mom. SOoooo! Proud of Those That Was Diligent and Pressed Through... Hooray... Plenty gave Up. Its A Powerful Struggle to live Thru.
@@valeriegaddy8833 thank you. I love her and she is a good mother and person but there's just those things she does sometimes!
@@m.j.2939 If she does these things she is not a good mother and person.
@@priyasebastian I've had friends with a lot worse!
@@priyasebastian I married one and it's worse living with them. I used to be a different person. I feel lost now. I have issues now because I can't seem to move forward. I'm never good enough.
Sorry ranting 😁.
Another spot on video Michele thanks, i agree use the silent treatment as some me time to focus on yourself instead of the Narchole. My silent treatment went on for over a year then when the inevitable happened lol and the Narchole showed up i had allready decided that things would not change for the better and what happened at that time just cemented things. so my door closed for the last time on them. Now i have me time to focus on myself and what is important to me. Why put all your energy and focus into a Narchole when it becomes obvious they just want to put you down to the level they are on because they have no selfasteem, respect etc the list goes on and it is a long list.
So relived the more i learn the more i can see and really am beginning to see through this fog .
Clearly livin the priceless truth that you so simply and eloquently present has helped me immeasurably.
From the center of my being
I thank you
Well one thing i would like to know as you said we have to do the reverse psychology ignore and make them feel it doenst matter if any of their behaviour is bothering but if they still continue doing seeing it even we dont care what then? Like they make that act as normal and they just wana have fun together internally knowing that this thing is bothering ?
Could you do a video on narcissism between client and entrepreneur?
Don't play their game, just leave. Normal people want to improve themselves or just be a normal adults. We all grow up with issues but we decide how we treat people and how we want to be treated. Reverse sychology, silent treatment that's playing there game it is easy to be a child like them don't make them wonder leave them they can wonder when your gone. Don't try to fix.
I love you and your chanel, you are the one that really gave me valuable advice because you are the one who really knows what is going on! Love you so much! 💋 XOXO
How Evil it seems that a person that know's they hurt you would purposely do more of it!
Observe don’t absorb. Act like you don’t even notice their bad mood. To hold on to your good vibes.
I give him a mark out of 10 (in my mind) and if he needs it, an Oscar. He gave me the look the other day but because he was about 20 metres a way, he added excessive shoulder slumps and a humph. I’d just watched your last video and breathed then laughed under my neutral facial expression. The funny thing was if he’d asked me about his situation beforehand, he wouldn’t have had the problem. Thanks, Michele!
I consider Passive-Aggressive behaviour as a Coward's way of acting...
These videos are very instrumental and I have to view the videos several times so it sinks in👈👍
oh my gosh when you spoke on the silent treatment. I remember with my ex when she would either start chaos or start the silent treatment. I would disengage with it and not allow it to bother me. I would grab my favorite book and begin reading. It was fine for a while, but eventually, she stopped giving me the silent treatment and started attacking me reading lol What a low. But I never understood it until now - thank you!
There is a special place in hell for people who interrupt a good book! I am glad you aren't with that person anymore! Read on! 📖💜
Yup, and they never change. Have to walk away from these people.
Always moving things around so that I couldn’t do things efficiently, especially in the kitchen. Or starting a big project like moving all of the furniture around, then leaving it in an uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous state, so I had to spend the entire rest of the day cleaning it up while he ignored me and sat there like an iceberg at the computer doing something so much more important than anything that I could possibly be doing, even though I was paying all the bills.
Great advise Michele. The outsmarting can last for so long before it drives you nuts. The narcissist is relentless and never give up. The only solution is to run away as fast as you can. You truly do help me in understanding my 22 year marriage to a full blown narcissist now 5.5 years divorced. Thank God for that!! Ciao!!
You was true,I have toxic people in my work place exactly even my soupervisor she a toxic boss on me,they are try to look way me to get fired but I’m very powerful to them I hurt them with my silence.
Thank you for these reminders, Michele! 💖💖💖
Yes, that is true. Toxic people will not treat you in a healthy way. They are ill people and we must humbly accept it.
The trouble with me is dissociation... Delay in processing and then thinking it through hours or days or weeks later and realising what they did was actually really rude or something that should instantly be challenged. I hate this
The late realization may be because in the past, this behavior was seen as "normal", or it was something that you couldn't do anything about (in he case of a child). I am now seeing the reality of "back-handed compliments" and passive aggressive remarks about me that a sibling made in public. Because it was a surprise and public, I didn't respond in any way. Now I have learned what I could have done, and will do if it happens again.
Yes thank you
It's to bad when someone doesn't realize that bad company currups good character.
I like this. More on passive aggressive behaviors please. I like what you said 'When we tell toxic people what hurts us--they do it more. (When we expose that.) They covertly hide it but continue to do it more.'
I have employees who do this tactic all the time. When I'm just far enough away from them they say something mean about about me. Example 'he is not a man,' 'he is a bad manager,' etc. The 'toxic,' charismatic person who is behind these passed on abusive behaviors encourages them to use these behaviors. When you confront them about this they later discuss what I told them in confidence--with the 'toxic,' person and he gets them to start doing this behavior again. How do you deal with this tactic when it is being used against you all the time. I am told by my boss 'oh just ignore it and let them talk amongst themselves.' When you listen to these suggestions and do what they are telling you to do--this empowers the abusive behavior and it continues to grow and continue and grow (It's a cycle that escalates). How do you stop this behavior when you confront them about it and they deny it. They smile and act nice when you talk to them but continue this tactic as soon as your out of immediate range where deniability is an option?
Violence
dont confront them that what they want you to do
if you really want to piss them off mirror their insults but instead of bad manager change it to bad workers. Speak badly about them whilst pretending to be on the phone with someone.
It sucks when your own older sis or sis in law are manipulative individuals and jealous of u... sad. Toxic people just need to go. U choosing to be toxic is not my responsibility. They intentionally like to aggravate and frustrate you, it’s never an accident...This clarity is amazing!
My mom was the QUEEEN of passive aggression, it’s funny I’ve been doing these things subconsciously my whole life. 😅
i like that she iterates to apply these techniques in a toxic relationship not a healthy one. They are manipulative techniques and using them on someone who doesn’t deserve it to boost your control will make you the toxic one.
I have beat myself up about this. I have to struggle with feeling like somehow my joy for life is not normal because of the people who have a problem with it. I eventually found out that they basically want you to become either as miserable as them, or want you to amount to nothing because that gives them personal satisfaction. Living with someone like this is devastating and limits your huge potential. I am finally taking back my life and challenging anyone who has a problem with me for any reason. I have tried everything to appease these people and when I was at my most vulnerable, all the things they wanted me to be, they used to reject and isolate me. They don't want to help you, they want to hurt and destroy you and they will always have a problem with you and the smartest way to deal with them is not to deal with them. Detach emotionally, do not engage and carry on with your life the way it was meant to live. You deserve to be happy.
I was in an 5yr relationship on and off with a covert narcissist. Within the 4th year I saw him for the pathetic person he was and started to act like I didn’t care. He tried for the next year to kill my spirit, ruin everything I liked-holidays birthday etc but I stood strong. Little did he know I had therapy, I built supports, and was solely focused on myself. When it finally ended he called me a self centered narcissist. Lol total joke
These are feminine techniques. Both the person doing the action and the phony p/a reaction/response. You can avoid all this if you confront them on their p/a action, never let them off the hook, make them explain. It will stop their bs.... permanently, or at least make them think about doing whatever because of the potential confrontation..
This is great advice when you have no choice, but this gets so complicated. Manipulating the manipulator. Best just to move on & find someone that actually knows what it means to love. People don’t change unless they want to & bring God into it. Unless they’re willing to do that, it’s not worth it. “Bad company corrupts good character”.
Hm! So, in order to always have a clean kitchen you have to invent competitions between husbands? First of all, I don't think this tactic will work ad infinitum because the more you use it, the more you risk that the narcissist realizes what you're doing. Secondly, is time-consuming and nerve-consuming to always invent tactics. At the end of the day, you still lost a lot of energy just to make someone do things right. On the long run you are still much better without such individuals in your life. Having a stright and clear conversation with a normal person consumes much less energy. So why not dealing with normal sain people?!
Cristiana Nicolae yep, and just think what will happen when your hubby asks the other husbands about it and finds out there WAS no competition...
HoosierMama72 I must admit I did not dared to think about that possibility. It would mean a champignon myshroom appearing over the house...
These are tactics to use until you can go NC or LC. One should always be planning to leave situations that require these type responses.
Dealing with it now but she doesn't pay my bills, she doesn't accomplish my dreams for me and her silent treatment won't work. Fact is I'm happier than I ever been, and enjoy learning about these personality disorders cuz I'm not bitter or unhappy so I can better focus on the messages here without being emotional about any of it. Those aren't my monkeys so it's not my zoo...I've learned to like the man I've become and I refuse to give my power away. Fact is far as my happiness goes...she didn't make it she can't break it LOL.
I disagree with pretending it doesn't bother you. That's fake and I am not about being fake. Best is to avoid that person. If you're dating or married to that type of person who disrespect you, "Bye!" No time for that at all.
I otherwise, you have to not care. Sadly, in a sense, you have to become somewhat of a narcissist in return.
If you are engaging, or countering, you are still being maneuvered by the narcissist behavior. The only way to not be reduced is to not care. You must remove yourself emotionally, coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing healthy or true coming from this person. Therefore, the narcissist with all their manipulations must become insignificant to you. You have to give up on all you hoped for in the relationship, mourn the loss of something that never really had, and move on.
then there's happily living solo...
Best way to deal with passive aggressive people is to cut them out of your life. Do not give them the time of day. ✂️
True.. well said
NO CONTACT! NO CONTACT!!!
Absolutely forever
BOY,!!!!! You have to be a smart smart person or a psychiatrist!!!!! I have been around such persons and it is hard because they are so hypocritical and lie like nothing, they are impossible!!!! I find leaving them a long. The jealousy the competitiveness, the control is craziness . I guess I am much more healthier than I realized!!!!!
I just watched this & the video you recommended watching before this one. It amazes me how you put into words exactly what my ex did to me for 21 years. We've been separated for 4 years now & it's still hard to explain to people what happened to me. It's so helpful to be understood, thank you!
That being said, your advice seems to be encouraging playing games & staying in a relationship that will eventually destroy you. The only time I could see using your tips would be with parents, kids & relatives that you can't disconnect from, &/or with a spouse/partner while formulating your plan for leaving the relationship.
I DO believe you're not encouraging people to stay, but maybe you should preface your videos with that advice. It is especially important to clarify this because when we are in these mind-f-ing relationships we often don't trust ourselves, our thoughts or our decision-making process & have been trained to believe everything is our fault. As a result, we might take this as encouragement to change ourselves to keep the relationship, when what we should be doing is running for our lives.
Bonnie Newkirk-Rhoades ...Bonnie..have you been living my life too...Your response here to this video is so spot on with what hell I’ve lived for 23 years...I feel I know you or you must be ‘my secret sister’....