The quest for friends in a lonely world (the Third Place & Loneliness Epidemic)
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
- How do you make friends (as an adult) in a world gripped by the loneliness?
Find a hangout, a place where everyone knows your name (The Third Place).
In this video, we’ll chat about:
Modern Friendships: why it’s difficult to make and keep friends as an adult
Third Places (fictional hangouts in Friends, Seinfeld, & Cheers) and where we can find a cozy yet affordable hangout
How do you hang out with friends and not go broke?
Does suburbia breed loneliness?
Dead malls
Big cities with small town vibes
#thirdplace
#loneliness
#friendship
![How We Became the Loneliest Generation [Documentary]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/I19btmIBhx0/mqdefault.jpg)
Do you have a cozy third place? Are you looking for one? Tell us your story!
I used to be a fringe friend until I realised I was focusing on the people who considered me a part of their fringe, rather than the people who truly cared about me. So I stopped doing that and nurtured the relationships with those I saw clearly put me first. Now I have a small but solid group of friends I know I can rely on, and a few fringe friends but I don’t focus on those relationships as much.
My Third Place is my mom's house. All of us siblings and my niece live in the same town, and every Sunday we congregate there for Sunday dinner. PS for those of us in your fan club, you're First Place to us!
Awww! Thank you!🥰❤️ Mom's house sounds wonderful! You've got a good thing going! Reminds me of grandma's house where everyone congregated, but it's now a ghost of the past...
Your mum must be awesome to keep that going
I recently passed by a bowling alley near my home. I remembered how much fun it could be. I stopped in to see how it was. It was $12.99 to play unlimited and $2 beers. I decided to hang out and people from either side and different times struck up convos. I started going every so often and someone invited me to join a league. It's the perfect social time without too much commitment.
I would totally join a bowling league!
This is a really heartfelt video and an interesting topic now that everything is so commercialized...
thank you! 🥰
As someone who didn't have many close friends what helped is doing activities that are not solitary by nature such as sports or dance. You also need to try and hang out outside of the activity you are doing otherwise they would become just fringe friends / person you only do x activity with.
Something else that works is meeting someone more outgoing that is on the same wavelength and they help you skip the small talk, so you get to know them and connect on a deeper, more human level.
But at the end of the day its about finding people receptive to the idea of expanding their group of friends because as we get older more and more people shut off "new applicants". It sounds cheesy but travelling and just doing things you truly enjoy (around other people) is the best way I know of increasing your chances of making new long term friends.
I do notice the "we're closed for new friends" vibe the older I get. Maybe it's just too much energy to invest in new friendships the older you get? I'm all for traveling around and doing things in the community (around other people). I'm always around people, but it seems there's cliches/family/friend groups already established.
Will look into more community activities like dance or theater.
Thank you for watching!
I'm resorted to making them out of cardboard.
same!
Used to do swing dancing and that was an amazing way to make friends. You'd take lessons and then do the dance afterwards with your fellow students. Or, you show up every week to the dance and see the same faces and start making friends. The ballroom was the third place and it was cheap since you just paid cover. You could buy drinks if you wanted, but it wasn't necessary and they wouldn't kick you out even if you just sat on the sidelines and didn't dance. I highly recommend it as it's social and you get a lot of exercise. I really need to get back into it myself.
I'll look into it!
I live in SF and it does feel like a small town. Every city I've lived in kind of had that vibe. When I lived in the burbs I'd literally go years without serendipitously getting to know anyone. It was just home work store home repeat.
"Small town vibe in the big city"
My third place is my sports club. We don't have a fancy clubhouse or something like that, we use the gym of our school (which is very common in Germany where I am from), but I always love to go there, even if I am not in the mood for playing.
I would recommend anyone to join a sports club (again, nothing fancy) for the same reason. 😊
Right, the third place doesn't have to be some random cafe or bar. It will more likely be activity based: sport league, dance hall, Toastmasters, board game meetup, gaming bar/cafe, training dojo, comedy club, yoga/meditation center. Lots of options of really, but you have to do some digging.
I live in Argentina, where walkable cities and third places are quite common. And I live in a city called La Plata which is particularly walkable, and there are tons of places called cultural centers. They are usually coops that offer cheap and free activities like courses, local band concerts, theatre plays, etc. I feel really sad for people in the US. You guys want third places like coffee shops and malls, where you have to pay to do anything, but I hope you can create places where you can hang out and do stuff for free or for donations. Loitering is awesome.
That sounds awesome! 🥰 I kinda feel sorry for us too. There really is a charge for everything.
Crazy important topic and so well-presented. Recommend 'what kind of relationships would you...' on nytimes podcasts' RUclips channel, which I listened to after Teresa's take.
Great video, as usual. I think however that the "third space" you mentioned is for the most part, post-internet, a fictional space. It exists in the sitcom Friends, and it exists in your mind, but it is no longer a physical place. The shopping malls I hung out in as a kid as all featured on youtube channels in the genre of "Dead Mall Drone Tours" or similar.
thank you! I think must exist somewhere. The third place is an endangered species. I will find it and I will protect it.
you should be a stand-up comic.
Thank you!🤣 If Ali Wong retires, I'm here to take her place lol
Teresa, I've become hooked on your videos and find myself viewing them as a sort of bedtime story. I'd pay good money to see you perform one of your monologist's sessions here in NYC. (Probably presented somewhere in the East Village would be most apropos.) In answer to your query, reading a book in Riverside Park inevitably prompts conversations. I shall now "put a ring on it." ; ) Done!
Thank you! I'm glad you support my stand up endeavors 🤣
@@teresachaotic.corner
Yeah suburbia is very isolating as an adult. My ‘third place’ where i get some sort of socialisation with people who aren’t really friends but are friendly acquaintances are all my kid’s stuff: sports, school things, kids parties etc… when they grow up that’s all going to evaporate. 😂
Most people I know who are parents are super active. Is it hard to become besties with other parents?
@@teresachaotic.corner yup, all the ‘hard to make friends as adults’ things apply, it’s not impossible and i’ve seen it happen but i think most parents have a bit of a force-field up, every one is friendly but it almost never crosses over in to being actual friends.
🧔🏻♂️bars sell soft drinks. I have four close friends. They all live in different parts/burbs of my city. Try a community center. They have programs/workshops and you can just hang out. Getting all my friends together in on spot won’t happen. I am proactive with getting together. Love your videos.
lol I came across the local senior center's list of activities and I'm like "sounds fun" except it's for 55+ over so maybe I need to method act this Susan character and I'll get in.
People keep saying that malls are dying, but so many of them are still doing well.
I heard that malls are even making a comeback
in college, my third places were the campus lounges. i wasn't living on campus, but i had classes speckled through the entire day so i would be at school from 8-5 every day. after a while, i learned which lounged to go to based on my social battery and I could expect fun conversation with strangers or regulars at certain spots during certain times of day. there were also club houses for certain student demographics (i.e., women, lgbtq+, veterans, POC groups, etc) so i literally had my pick of what i needed that day. now that i'm in online school for grad studies, i realized (after watching this video) that i don't have those third spaces anymore and i have to be very intentional with seeking out new ones. i did not realize how good i had it then but now i feel like i could better appreciate friends and third places after not having one for so long.
I miss my college campus and the late night dorm chats, especially the communal study lounges. Depending on your college atmosphere, college was a place where everyone was just around and open to making new friends (at least during 1st year). It's so different after college. Everyone seems to be in their private adult islands. We definitely need to actively seek third places or even create one if none are found.
Teresa, My go-to place is a neighborhood Garden down the block from me in Queens, NY. I volunteer there and have met many people there including some good friends (some characters too!). Also, a few neighborhood pastry/coffee shops where I know everyone working there. Great topic Teresa (or Susan!)
I have a theory that there's more of a 'small town' feel in cities than actual small towns. Definitely more than in suburbia. A neighborhood garden sounds great!
@@teresachaotic.corner The Garden was built almost entirely (with help by several people, I helped too) by my 82 year old neighbor!
love it!
MAYBE i should chime in here....first, excellent video covering a difficult and pernicious topic faced by legions. I have two places that you seem to have missed: 1. the local YMCA and 2. the LIBRARY. Both involve cognition and acuity building. Also, as a classical guitarist I have a duet partner that I play music with three times a week, Bach, Beethoven, Chopin,, Sor, Carulli and a host of names you wouldnt possibly be familiar with. Oh, I almost forgot: I am a widower since 2014.....she was a virtuoso harpist and my former duet partner! So you might think of these as my "third places"! One might be able to include reading except the conversation is a monologue, mostly from the author to the reader!!!!
I love the library! But I rarely meet any new people there. Must be the whispering aspect of it.
@@teresachaotic.corner Man the Asheville libraries are not whispery at all...last time I was there trying to write I got to hear one of the librarians' entire opinions on the housing crisis for like an hour. I quickly learned to bring headphones. I guess if you wanted to make friends you could saunter up to the counter and weigh in on the housing crisis.
I also replied to this and then it disappeared! The gist was: "I'll saunter up to the counter and shush the librarians for ya, then promptly get banned from the library."
I’m always a low tier too 😂
🥰 At least we're not alone.
Asheville is actually a pretty easy place to make friends. It's big enough to have culture, especially because there are a lot of artsy people, but small enough that you'll run into people you know on accident. And I live in Marshall, which is a VERY small town and extremely social. If you go to the bars or coffeehouses, everyone literally will know your name. (Except tourists, maybe. Frankly, even the way tourists are here, sometimes I get to know THEIR names at the bookstore and then see them at the bar later.)
With that said I have struggled to make any friends because I just work all the time. I see people when I work at the bookstore two days a week but then I go straight home and edit RUclips videos and then write and market and blahdiblah. It seems like the older people have a lot more time to hang out. Maybe nowadays we'll all make friends when we retire. Except millennials don't get to retire, isn't that the plan? Uh oh.
I'm also very cheap and I get drunk easily. When I go to the bar I always ask for a half pour of the lowest alcohol thing on tap. So yeah even if I wanted to hang out at the bars it would be hard. There are only so many cans of La Croix I want to pay bar prices for.
Now I want to move to Asheville! I'm always around people in my slice of suburbia and I try to attend as many community events as possible like concerts in the park, etc... but there's definitely the vibe that everyone is in their private island. Although, once, we went to a tiny Japanese dry noodle restaurant and the server said "You guys have been here before, I don't have to explain the menu" and I'm like "wow, she kinda recognized us as regulars." Small victories, ya know:)
Girl, I hear you on busy. If we lived closer, we could have writing or YT editing sessions and be busy bees together (with our headphones on and our cans of sparkling water). Be forewarned: I type really loud 🤣 & I prefer Polar.
@@teresachaotic.corner Ugh I typed a big response and accidentally reloaded the page. Anyway, it boiled down to, this area is definitely the opposite of private islands and it is really sweet, I have to say. There is no good Asian food though. Man I wish I had a tiny Japanese noodle restaurant.
But yes I so wish I had a good work buddy. One of my friends in DC does Costco runs with her friends there and that is also so smart. If you have to grocery shop anyway, why not catch up!
La Croix is just the only non-alcoholic drink at the bar =/ I'm really a tea girl for the most part
Once again: excellent video Teresa! There is one thing I've been wanting to say for a while though... Would you consider getting a better mic? I know it's an investment and you're careful with your money (which you should be) but I feel it would would elevate your video's to a higher level. Every other thing is perfect about them so I do feel it's the one thing you should do.
Thank you! In future videos, I discovered that if I clip my lav mic farther away from my throat it sounds better as my natural speech pattern is up, down, all over the place. Also, I'm sad to say that I think I tried audio mixing this video and made it worse. Have some grace for me as I have notoriously blunt hearing and can't differentiate between sounds (i.e. will prob need a hearing aid in the future). That being said, I got some help making a preset for this mic and my voice. If that doesn't work, I'll look into better mics! Any suggestions?
@@teresachaotic.corner You should probably look into getting the Blue Snowball mic, it's reasonably priced. On the higher end Blue Yeti seems to get high ratings. I'm not an expert either but a quick google search for "best mics for RUclips" will give you some more suggestions. Hope this helps in further growing your channel!
Can my third place be a place I go with my kids instead of friends? lol once you start a family, friend time doesn’t exist. It’s just not practical.
and it becomes hard to find sitters, juggle multiple schedules, work, etc... totally understandable! Which is why adult friendships are so hard😭
Good vid liked it a lot. Plus kinda dealing with the same problem 😞 but long story... Anyways still catching up on watching your past videos.
Thank you! I hope you find your third place too!
@@teresachaotic.corner I know what you mean but long story....SO for good amount of years been more of a lone wolf..
Lol older asian women names...Connie Chang or Li. I get those alot on the phones. Or Maggie
🤣 those were options!
if you want relationships where people seek you out & value your time, excel in something at a masterful level. the relationships might be fake but at least there is something to do.
Ayi studies.
I was thinking about how I don’t have a third place and then it hit me: I don’t even have a SECOND place! I work from home! Does the grocery store count? 😂😅
Some grocery stores are open 24/7... if you can find some way to camp out at the cereal aisle🤣
BTW, I'm also looking for a friend who will invite me over for a sandwich! : )
Or be the one to make the sandwich!
@@teresachaotic.corner to truly be enlightened, you must be one with the sandwich
Oh WOW a video about goin out meeting up with people. Every video i see is about loneliness. A bunch of introverts edgelords talking about how they don't like crowds, kinda a "lone wolf" .
Listen your not some lone warrior, your not better than anyone. You p&p and I ain't talking about pwassy and patron. Pathetic and pretentious. You don't like people or small? Good nobody likes you either. So miserable stay to yourself make your little quips behind the safety of the screen nobody needs all that negativity.
My rant over , line still down here but I think I said what I said.🤟🏻💯