EGGSHELL PARENT CPTSD & WHAT IT TAKES TO HEAL YOURSELF | DR. KIM SAGE
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- Опубликовано: 2 июл 2024
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1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
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CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**
xo
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Some of the biggest help for me (46 year old) is knowing that I wasn't alone. Other people have gone though what I went through and there is a way to work on getting mentally and physically better. We were just taught to keep it secret, and I know our generation did a really great job of keeping things quiet, but the younger generation has helped us not only talk about what happened in our childhood but know that we shouldn't have been quiet. And we can now, at least, sick up for each other.
Yes, and Most of them led a miserable Life in mental illness. Only very few made it through well
Fellow 46yo here. Just started therapy 6 months ago, after a life filled with ”you’re doing too well to get help” even though I’ve lived all my life in constant survival mode, fawning and people pleasing my way through life and storing all my emotions in a bunker inside.
I am so thankful I discovered you. I am 63. I have been through so much. My dad died 3 months before I was born and I have 3 older siblings. I ended up being my mom's caretaker and almost like I gradually took my dad's place. But everything you talk about is what she was like except it was very, very covert in lots of ways AND it was SO COMPLICATED. She died at 96 - I didn't start to process anything until then and at the time she died I was sad but I actually felt more relieved than sad (it's still hard to say that) so I felt guilty for that too. I did have a time of grieving about 2 years later prompted when I opened the storage shed we had stored a lot of her things we didn't know what to do with. The smell of her clothes just overwhelmed me. My sister is 8 years older than me and we aren't exactly close but she did tell me she felt relief too. She & my mom had a totally different relationship though & she says she knew something was "wrong" with my mom not her growing up. I wish she would have let me in on that. None of us are close at all. But I was the one who ended up emotionally ??? scarred??? I have to say there aren't therapists in my area of the U.S. that understand growing up with a parent like this anywhere close to how you do. I have been to so many of them. The last two came the closest but they still didn't understand so I just quit going. Actually the last one told me to stop reading ???? That's what saved me actually & I kept reading EVERYTHING I could find - I have a small library of books about moms & many of the books you mentioned also The Body Keeps Score, Trapped In the Mirror & others. And I gradually found people on Facebook that understood a lot more but still didn't quite fit what I had been through - but you - wow I can't express how thankful I am that I found you. I just did this summer. I am healing slowly but it's been a long, long journey and I feel exhausted. There's so much I wish I could share with a therapist but I am afraid of being retraumatized again. Along with everything else we went to a fundamental church 3 times a week. That played into it too because I felt I had to be " a good girl/ daughter". I don't have a lot of support even now but online I have found people who understand. I live in a more rural state and near the largest city in the state but I have to say THERE IS ONE Young P.A. THAT BELIEVED IN ME AND WITHOUT HIM I MIGHT HAVE GIVEN UP - I DO NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOUNG MAN. I also have considered if I could have high functioning autism, I brought that up to him and his eyes got huge and he said he couldn't diagnose me with it but he wasn't saying no. I don't know if I will ever know if I am or not but I am highly sensitive and I know I have CPTSD and I am just going to get to be me the rest of my life. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for doing these You Tubes .
(((((Hugs))))
Awwwww. I am sending you a great big hug. I almost self destructed taking care of my elderly narcissistic mom. I was working full time and taking care of both my parents, mom was a narcissist and dad was her enabler. I think he was just as afraid of her as I was. Both my parents died in 2018 and my mother died of COVID in 2020. I reached out to my doctor and he recommended a wonderful therapist. She recognized what I was going through and I was treated with EMDR therapy and it was amazing. Things are not perfect, but I am so much happier. Please don’t give up. You need to find a therapist who understands
Took (groomed to) my Dad's place. I can relate. But my Dad was alive. Just not participating emotionally in his life or the life of his family. He literally was unable to, or to attempt.
HUGS 🤗 I GET THE EXHAUSTED PART!! Totally my whole life has been with these types of people..
Thank you for being so transparent and vulnerable. It is very healing to my soul. Namaste.
I’m 70 and I’ve been in and out of therapy for decades yet you’ve pinpointed my issues in a few videos better than any of them! Also, we’re learning more about how childhood trauma re-wires our brains and I see that much more clearly now as I’ve always had problems paying attention because I learned to shut down and zone out as a small child. Thank you..
I was in therapy for over 20 years and still, to this day, I am struggling a lot with my demons. Doing the work needed to heal is incredibly difficult and painful, but, what I’ve learned is that recovery is so rewarding. I still journal, more now, in fact than when I was in therapy, and talk with people I trust and watch your videos regularly, Dr Kim. Thanks for being there, vulnerable and human.😊
Therapy hasn’t helped me at all. Supplements for anxiety has.
Have you heard of people having issues with Journaling if their parents had invasion of privacy towards their children eg searching through their rooms. So many therapists say journal but this can be a terrifying idea for some.
Me too. I was physically beaten for what they found. (I wrote about how he beat me)
I'm so sorry you experienced that
My mother encouraged me to keep a diary and bought me one only to have my 22 year old sister and her read it out loud front of my boyfriend & me. They laughed and made fun me. I was 15 at the time. My boyfriend didn't think it was funny at all and tried to be a comfort to me. He knew they were the ones that weren't normal.
Yes,it can be dangerous if the family members read the journal
Very important point.
My parents always entered my room without knocking. Very invasive, intrusive...
To them, it was just 'normal' behavior because it was in 'their' house....
Best wishes.
Pete Walkers CPTSD book is beyond amazing there’s a free audio book on the tube here it’s life changing i agree. Legit the first book of many that i have read on my healing journey
Grandiose narc father who put our family through hell before finally abandoning us when I was 12, he went on to live the rest of his life as if we didn’t exist. Borderline Personality mother. Married 21years to covert narcissist husband who put me & the kids through absolute hell. Now in mid-life trapped living with an extremely self-centered man with Asperger’s and co-morbid narcissism. You can imagine how effed up my
emotional state is. I’m barely hanging on day by day. Not living, just surviving.
Hello all! Here's a link to all my favorite books www.drkimsage.com/online-coursestools.html xo
Thank you for pointing out that we can have narcissistic tendencies because of factors in our past. When I realized this sometime ago, I was devastated by guilt toward my children. Thank you for saying it's ok and validating our feelings.
My grandma was my stable mother figure in my life.
I think a part of healing that is not mentioned so much, is learning new things that you like. Like cooking for example. As we learn and grow in new skills we develop naturally a different perception of ourselves? So go and learn something you like. I wonder if Dr Kim has any video on this or agrees? I did order Pete's book. 16$ on ebay. FYI.
Let's be honest, healing is more than acceptance but motivation, after suffering trauma and abuse most victims have not motivation at all, we are left alone to walk again, specially in now days society, where everything it's turn towards the ego. In order to recover that motivation we need to socialize or at least hear other victims story, you make a wonderful job with this channel, I feel heard and understood, not judged or criticized (as when we open to others that do not understand). Time heals everything, just be patient, motivation it's the door of true healing.
Those people that are saying you're blaming mothers are the narcissistic mothers. My mother wrote me a letter and told me that psychiatrist and psychologist just blame the parents. That narcissist will never take any blame for the mental anguish she put upon her. When was schizophrenia and 16, when was psychotic and committed murder at 17, I have been fighting mental illness all my life and finally checked into the mental hospital at 55. My oldest brother was on meth and an alcoholic. My parents gave a full-blooded sibling away for adoption and she struggles with abandonment issues. Can't say you did your best when you end up with kids mentally scarred for the rest of
I agree with you & hear you. My brother is a junkbag...addicted to drugs & alcohol. I have been in & out of therapy my whole adult life & I'm around your age.
My narcissistic mother tried saying she did the best she could. I call it bs because the things she did to me were up call for...it would have been better had she just walked out on us.
I hope you find peace & healing.❤
It took EMDR, talk therapy, podcasts, and books and I continue to heal. I won’t fully heal until Gods kingdom comes but these tools help
Please can you do a video on how we can mother our children better? If we were bought up with narcissistic parents, how can we show up as the person we needed. I have two neuro-divergent children and am working hard to be the best parent I can which without the support of a good role model is really hard. Thank you for your videos, it means a lot to have someone that understands!
Just saw your comment and I also have a neurodivergent child; Did you find any good videos?
@ARGSF82 Hi, I do follow Dr Jay Reid as well as Dr Kim Sage and both have really good videos!
I joined the army to try to change my self and when I came home (23 years old) I needed to live with my parents for a short time to get my own housing in our home state. My mom treated me like I was a kid again, she always acted like she owned me. She was embarrassed of “me not working” when I have disability pay from the military and was planning to attend college full time once I readjusted to being home and the huge time change not to mention I was medically retired from the military and have daily debilitations from my condition so it was a lot to gather up and keep going. She was very forceful into making me work with my uncle at a job that paid $10 an hour to work NIGHT shift. Needless to say I didn’t wake up slept clear through the alarm like I was dead and missed the first day. I was woken up by my mom throwing shoes at me and calling me a p.o.s. I decided at that moment I would not respond, but when I woke up I was taking all of my stuff and going to live in my truck. It took me less then a month to obtain housing but I have been depressed for nearly 5 years now and do nothing with my self because she crushed my spirit once again
I'm in therapie for 7 years now, dealing with a narc father and mother in law. They are both dead by now but the healing will continue for probably the rest of my life. I have to say, your vlogs and the vlogs of other people who talk about abuse and neglect were more helpful than my therapists were. They didn't educate me, you guys did and I'm very thankful for that!
My mum died when I was 24 and i somehow kept rose tinted glasses on about who she was until about 5 years ago, (I’m 49) , then it all caught up with me and i am still unravelling at times, I now understand the great shame of relief I felt when she died that I could not share with anyone else, its hard work but I agree, its worth doing especially when you have avoidant attachment, thanks for sharing your ongoing insights.
I don’t know if you are aware and take it as you wish but you are the BEST TYPE OF TEACHER OR COUNSELOR OR THERAPIST THERE IS ! Not perfect, full of wisdom , a person in progress and not afraid to make mistakes! I guess a lot has to do with your last name (Sage). Keep up the good, you are helping a lot of people. I am sure you are aware to some extent of this. I just think you need to be reminded of it . THANK YOU, TEACHER !
Thank you SO much for your videos. I am in a No contact situation. It sucks, but I didn't create the situation. 🧡
I say this all the time. Everything out of your mouth is gold. OMG I have 13 things to work on to help myself. Sometimes I feel like I will never be healed.
i have a schizophrenic mother and a bisexual father, i feel “lucky” to have survived that family dynamic. while i can understand what happened, understanding does not heal.
Indeed, understanding the how and why is the easy part. What to do with that is another question/dynamic altogether.
I’m so glad I came upon your channel and all the resources you have available. Listen to you talk made me realize how far I really still have yet to go in my healing from my narcissistic mother. I wish I could be as composed and healed as you internally in my everyday life. I know I’ll get there, just takes time.
i had a mother who said she loved me but she never raised me, she never wanted me she wanted to talk good about me at times as long as she never had to put herself out. the woman rev of my church fell in love with be and started talk i took the blame my Lady dr the same, she genuinely loved me, again i took blame. i need someone like you to untangle me that i could never afford. Thanks Dr lovely.
As usual bringing relevant content to the matter Dr. Kim Sage. I had problems because I excused my parents for being terrible to me because they themselves had terrible childhoods. But I am not going to do that anymore they can’t keep abusing me because they are ignorant, careless or indifferent. You are still getting hurt and that is unacceptable. It’s still hard to do but I am working on it. Thank you for the insight. I was completely lost with that. I couldn’t find my out of that one. I’ve had heard once or twice but it didn’t register. THANK YOU !
You've been a "virtual Mother figure" per se for me, and role model, [as well as my real life therapist :)] -- Also, you're so beautiful!😍hehe! Thank you Dr. Kim!
I just happened upon your channel and just wow. Being a gal in her late 30's with years worth of trauma due to an overbearing Mother and an individual with ASP, this content is SO relative to my life situations. The knowledge you share is so helpful to me. Also, I cannot believe you're in your 50's you are such a beautiful lady both inside and out ❤ thank you for your insight!
Thank you Kim, you're so right about everything. Its so very true. I have C-Ptsd cause of the abuse. I am 47 female the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. I am a single mother myself. I was married to a Narcissist. Its wasnt easy to get out of my marriage. I was brave to get out got a divorce. I had to take care of my brothers& sisters growing up. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is love. I been a Christian for over ten years. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. Jesus loves you. Greater is He that is in you than He who is in the world. 1 John 4:4
I got support from friends from church. Be careful not everyone who goes to church are True Christians . We know them by there spirits if they are from God or not.
I walk away from Narcissists
I stay calm and quiet
Its not worth it to say anything to Narcissists since they dont get it at all.
Narcissists never loved us at all
Narcissists don't care about you at all
Narcissists are liars
Narcissists are broken people
Narcissists are insecure people
Narcissists always act like they are the victim
Narcissists are pure evil souls from the Devil
Narcissists are fake and phony people
Questions I’ve been journaling about are ; How does forgiveness play a role in splitting by a partner ? No matter how many times they apologize and forgiveness is offered , repeat reenactments of splitting are highly likely to occur. How can the partner remain open after another round of splitting occurs ? It seems difficult to find a middle ground. My body clenches each time an episode occurs. Though I can forgive my body struggles to forget. What advice would possibly help to avoid closing off my heart? I really hurts to open up, become the fav person, next thing u know ,your the villain. In childhood intimacy wasn’t always a prerequisite for a healthy relationship however as an adult it’s essential to the relationship. Ladies I’m sure I’m not the only one who has asked this question. Relaxing is key to any form of intimacy however most people dealing with cptsd crave love and connection yet the fear of being hurt again closes the bodies natural desire for intimacy which leads to faking headaches, orgasms and denying the huge NO in the body to satisfy your partner. Otherwise if u say No over an extended period your likely to be blamed for withholding intimacy to maintain control or u get accused of being a narcissist or cheating. As women we’ve been programmed by society to believe we must keep our men satisfied or they’ll find satisfaction elsewhere. This is very toxic and traumatizing. Any feedback is appreciated.
Thank you so much for this video. It's spectacular timing, you releasing it today. It's everything I needed to hear right now as I am working on healing. ❤
Thank you for the free mini course on your website🙏💕 I hope to take the remothering course when I have the $
Thank you very much. I appreciate the wisdom you share❤.
I am so glad I found you here and enjoy your videos immensely, not just for the topics but also in the way you convey the messages in such an honest, kind and sincere way. Thank you, thank you! 🌻🩷
Thank you for posting another brilliant video. Trying to heal is really hard, but I'm grateful every day for being in a place now where I know I need to and feel I can, which honestly only happened after becoming largely NC with various family members. Being on the outside looking in rather than in the thick of it all is a very different place to be. After years of having to fight my way through everything learning to feel my way instead is overwhelming and at times heartbreaking but also so worthwhile. Your videos have been so helpful in trying to make sense of it all, especially as they're underpinned with your own experiences. Thank you again, you're ace!
Truly great again, thank you very much and best wishes.
My mom left when I was a year and a half. Stepmom made me walk on eggshells my whole childhood. As an adult I’ve ”treated myself” to numerous romantic relationships mimicing my upbringing. Yay me! 🙄
I love that your healing is helping to heal so many others 🙏 Thank you for helping me to start accepting myself for the first time ❤
Thank you for mentioning splitting, please make more videos on splitting. I have been diagnosed with BPD defenses as I split a lot, I have found it’s not easy to find people talking about it. Love your videos!
Thanks for being open, real and honest as well as authentic!! This helps us all. Not everyone is in a white coat to help you!
The world is a much better olace because of this brilliant caring human being. Yes, my care givers before the age of 12 years old blew up.
Thank you so much for your videos. 99.9% sounded like me. Thank you for opening up and expressing your own experiences and talking through them with professional, but personal eyes. Therapy is so hard with someone who makes me feel like they have it all together because of their training. It always feels judgemental and when they type something it freaks me out. Oh my goodness what I said must be so screwed up that it had to be noted. I'm a 60's baby, '65. I feel like I must have multiple labels. My mum was bi-polar, I have an aunt, uncle and cousin who chose to end their lives. We are a big mess of a family. I'm encouraged to see someone who is successful despite a traumatic childhood. I wish you the best!!
Very insightful. Thank you!
Great video Tnx. For me the best healing is through psychedelics like ayahuasca and san pedro. Its all working on my emotions. For me healing is mostly tolerating the pain while being present and let the emotions run their course.
In my experience, healing is usually interrupted by a suckerpunch to the groin by Madame fate.
Thanks, Kim. I don’t see the list of books you recommended in the description. Could you please share them again?
A mum should be for life. I don't agree with the attitude I'm a grandparent, and its time for me to retire, as if it's a job. Unfortunately I know this attitude all to well. These women want special treatment from us, when we are busy raising families and making a living and parenting our children. I like the mentality of some cultures where grandparents are active in the lives of their families helping out when they can, of course not getting overly involved. In my case, my father was a huge issues, demanding my mum to be his (narcissistic) and so I had to lose out. I understand, although my feelings are my feelings and I can't help but to be hurt. I can not just "forget it" as she demands. Mother's can take advantage of their title as if its a pass to act however they want. In any case, my idea of a good mother is a friend, a guide and a helper! None of these did I have so I had to mother myself. I have found "mother" figures in friends and I'll take that any day over an entitled problematic "bloodline" parent. No one will ever be perfect, but some recurring or hurtful behaviour just can never be repaired.
My triggeriness has been helped by LENS neurofeedback with ochs labs. They have practitioners around the world
I heard you. I would like to hear the mother you identified with as a child and the mother you had as an adult, if you are able. I can so identify with the transition , but the underpinnings of eggshell behavior lasted until she died at 83. I was sad that I was so afraid of confronting her and even her behavior, dying from colon cancer, blamed me as the cause, witnessed by my two sisters. She never let me off the hook
Game-changer 15:38
I too have kids but feel so isolated i don’t even want to work at new relationships because it’s so much work for me. I
🎉❤ Love this video so much!
Hoping to achieve similar professional goals as yours one day, and of course clean up my insides 😅😊
@drkimsage Your videos, love, compassion and desires shared, I believe will help heal so many people 🙏 ❤😊
Deepest gratitude to your services 🙏
I'm no contact with everyone both sides of my family I have little contact with both my parents. The only reason I will contact is because my mom is not abusive to me. My dad emotionally abusive is but he's very sick and he's the only grandparent my daughter has in this state in my husband's parents are out of the country and as long as he's not abusive to her or to me in front of her I let them see each other.
Question Kim if you are bought up by a neurodivergent mother how do you work out what is least behaviour and what is your own behaviour?
Dr do you believe in healing by holding someone you really love long and tightly with eyes closed. truly in love. your really intelligent and gifted in what you do. God Bless.
Do you have a video for living with a narcissistic mother as an adult?
The lockdown changed a lot, and i dont have the means to get out.
Nothing will get better until you establish your own housing. I'm sorry you're going through it
@limitedtime5471 okay well that's not a possibility right now so just be in pain then? Cool
Did you put a list of the books that you mentioned here in the comments?
No I forgot! Thank you! I will do it now!:)
@@DrKimSage thanks so much!
Poll take..
Hands up if you have, or have had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder..
✋
Sickens me when I think of the poison doctors have asked me to fill myself with.
I'll never trust them again.
😮💨🤯
Is it normal if some of the things such as thinking someone will leave you is t true for me Yet a lot to what you speak of is true? I've read most of the book you've named off through the years of my lifetime I started when I was 52 learning what NPD was I heard of Borderline Mother and I own that book too. My journey started learning why my mother could never be satisfied and then it ended up my husband was a covert turned overt as well. I never saw it coming because he was nothing like my step who was a overt. I had to take a brake from your videos and just breathe As I'm grieving three times once for Mom’s death which honestly feels like she just left again for long term this time I know where she is and she's not leaving again. My husbands death has been easier to grieve understand and have grace for As I know he grew up in hell too. Trying to work on myself and grieve 2 deaths and face THat abandonment issues I never realized I had Has been a real challenge. Yes I isolate myself I truly love being alone I was the oldest child and the miniature Mom of the home SomI never really got to play so to say and when I'm alone I do the things I've long to do for all my life my crafts are very special too me. Is it bad to be alone I find it I. This day and time easier to be alone then to put up with others drama. I just shake when drama or chaos comes up in my life now After 58 years of these people. I was blown away I had never had a name for my mom Like you I didn't know for years as I was isolated as a child to my home But the few times I was allowed to go stay over etc other children were not treated the way I was. I remember those times but I guess I was t around it enough to realize what I was in Until I got on my hands and knees and beg God to tell me why she never could be satisfied with anything I ever did! I was 52 when I had my awakening I wanted my husband supported but soon learned there was 2 of them and 1 of me.. Now I am alone literally and it's getting easier Yes we don't give ourselves credit for all we do for ourselves I e always stepped away from relationships thinking how can I make it now Then realizing I'm the one that made the relationship and the home and the life and everything about it the way it was Fir I've raised grown children all my life. Now I want nothing to do with another NPD to the point I will have a. Anxiety attack if I think I'm even around a NPD Yes I'm working hard on me Yes it's too expensive to go to therapy your right That why I take any pebbles you drop and soak them up in my pores literally I want to heal now that I can clearly see what needs healing ❤️🩹 I truly think we go through things to teach us to better us and to prepare us for a better relationship down the road If we choose to be with someone again I'm happy being with me right now. Heck I learned recently that someone calling me. Every day gave me anxiety attack because bo one called me for over 23 years and now they died and all these people from church etc are caring loving and I'm finding it to be too much Can you touch in this or do you have a video of why I feel they are overwhelming too me It's so hard to tell someone please quit calling I have I've never had a problem with barriers that changed years ago. Thanks hun for everything! Yes I now journal there's Thai Great app called Finch it's private and it's kind of a cute game and your not alone but you don't know the other finches personally It's a selfcare app and it's great I can't write long time So I can record and it type in this app They have great information helpful tips It's full of great self care helps too!! You might want to check it out and share it with your group Let me know would love to have more baby finches as friends haha 😂Love ya girl Take Care if you! As we all struggle through this pain One day we will have bo pain and be free from all this earth has done to us God Bless you all.. Message me I will send you the link ti Finch either by Tic Tok or here ❤
victim hood is not the answer. Not looking in the rear view mirror, looking ahead.
Ignoring how the past affects you is not the answer. Your past will sit in the drivers seat subconsciously
Yes you are so right. It can be overwhelming. I study and podcast myself into a whole. Yet, I’m going to keep going and keep pressing in because it is so much more worth it, even as hard as it is. Rest and breaks…so important.🙏💜🫶🏻
Dr Kim I love your content, delivery and tone. Its very calming and soothing.
I definitely need your content in my life beautiful Dr Kim. TY.
Yes yes yes! You know your shit Dr Kim! 🎉