Yes! The “good times” are just when I decided to not bring up my feelings. The “good times” were when I felt the worst because I knew my silence brought my partner joy. I was gone less than a year after I realized this
This is how it has been in so many of my relationships. Including friendships. It's why I've started isolating. If I bring things up I'm made to feel like I'm being bitter or petty but I rarely do. So it's easier to keep my circle small or practically nonexistent.
i decided to just be alone until a worthy person comes along and proves their honesty, makes times for me etc. im not mother of the world i need help too.😢
its sad to realise it really have to come to this, when I first feel it I feel myself losing faith in anything. as if anyconnection will just end up the same, ,might as well not have one either.
Over the years I swapped out basically all of my friends bc it felt like that. But there are good and giving ppl out there. We just gravitate so naturally towards those that are takers. We have to be extra careful about in whom we confide. Don’t give up hope! We can do this. 💜
Omg! That’s exactly what happens with my partner. I try to find the “right” moment to say something that should be said and heard and no matter how good the moment is, he will say “Why did you have to bring this up? Couldn’t you wait till tomorrow/next week/after this or that??!!” And when I don’t and the thing which is not supposed to happen happens, he simply says “Why didn’t you say so all this time?” I am going crazy for not giving up on something I truly love, even though it may be dead…
Leave her, there are many other women out there who deserve you, the one you are with now is not one of them. Women are desperate for a quality men, so with a little bit of time and effort you will find someone who respects you in no time, as long as you respect her too of course
I decided to focus on myself. Not neglect others, but focus on myself first. I like results so far. Maybe try? I count myself as a person who cares about me, as weird as it sounds.
It blows my mind that you say exactly how I feel and what is going on in my life with my husband of 26 years. I'm not going to leave him,but you are really helping me to realize I don't have to take his crap! Your videos are making me stronger so I don't dislike myself anymore. Thank you so very much!!!!
do not bring up old shit when your boyfriend is having a good day. He probably has enough on his plate without you ruining the rare good day he's having
@@Briarice in this scenario; he's the one overworked and stressed. She should be considerate. Your inability to comprehend this without having to have it explained to you, is concerning
Dude you are so so good at putting these thoughts into words! As another fellow man, I applaud your work and who you are as a person, I wish more men were like you, because so many are just adult kids really
It's good to know there's other men who appreciate his work and perspective. Thank you for sharing here. He's very succinct in his presentation of otherwise burdensome relationship issues, including his videos with some humor. Many really are adult kids. Trying to make a long-term relationship with one work feels like sacrificing some of the "best" years/decades of one's life... a foolish endeavor I realized way too late.
@@XIIchiron78 Good to find a voice of reason in the comments on this channel. Unfortunately you're going to be in the minority because, while this guy does give good advice, he's also clearly one of those male content creators who draws in an audience of women who like seeing men bashing other men, so I expect the comments to reflect those views.
@@brandonwilliams4050 everybody taking the message as being about one sex or the other just reveals their own bias. Tbh I am disappointed that he doesn't call that out himself.
A few years ago this would bring me to tears. Now, a divorce, a whole lot of therapy and treatment later, just makes me mad at myself for not learning this sooner
After 43 years of marriage, I've finally learned, in the last 8 months, that all of the confusion and chaos that has been in our lives is because he is a narcissist. I couldn't identify what was going on, because I couldn't see through all of the confusion. It's quite sad to realize it so late in the marriage. Jimmy, your videos speak to my heart...your exact words feel like you know my situation! Please keep them coming - you've got a gift! Narcissists can't learn about relationships because they are already "perfect," so I won't be able to show him. But I hope that your videos reach the younger women so that they know what to watch for in men to avoid this situation. I gave this marriage my everything. Wishing that I had known. Thank you SO much for speaking about these topics!
I'm so sorry that's the situation you're in Lynne.. but your wisdom is being put to good use. I'll never fall for these things, and I'll help my friends who are at risk of falling for them
I’m 31 and am going through this exact thing. Found out he was a narcissist after 6 years. Smh I feel like I learned all of this stuff too late 😢it sucks, lots of really unbearable lessons I had to learn… and honestly makes me not want to be in another relationship. It’s a lot of work it seems. Then u have the chance of being hurt, cheated on or abandoned 50 percent of the time. It’s so sad bc it’s ALOT of narcs running around pretending to be God fearing men. U kinda don’t see their true selves until you’re already hurting unfortunately.
My ex's happiness was built on my unhappiness and silence. He absolutely did not care how his actions or words affected me. In fact, he got some perverse satisfaction from making me cry.... 1 year, 7 months free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aw man ... I recently broke up with the love of my life(yesterday to be exact) and our fight was based on the topic that i wanted to make physical interaction only if he chooses to treat me right... He said love doesn't comes with ifs ... That if you do that, I'll do that. He also said 'get lost' which was so rude... I was just watching this guy's short about not being rude in a fight and i decided to break up... After 2 years of emotional abuse, I'm free but definitely very sad but i hope i find my mind's freedom from him.. just like u did Wish me luck ❤️
This resonated with me 100%! I was colluding in my own self betrayal by silencing myself. By trying to be less than, so that he would have a pleasant day. Walking around feeling invisible and unheard was too much to bear after decades of this scenario. I finally got the courage to walk away after 28 years. He thought I was crazy for demanding communication and emotional intimacy. But I realize that I needed that in order to feel whole and complete… Needless to say, I am living alone, but I was lonely living with him.🧘🏽♀️
I know this is for romantic relationships but it really applicable to family relationships and friendships. Sometimes we find we have selfish people in our relationships circles who are very disappointing 😢 Thankyou for the vid it eye opening
I think it all begins with ourselves. How we treat our own self will expand out to how others will treat us. If we practice self care and set boundaries for our own soul, others will respect that or disappear from our life. Just like we can’t trust others when they tell us something but do something different, we can’t do that to ourselves either. For example, we can’t tell ourself we are worthwhile and offer value and then spend the majority of every day watching reruns of our favorite sitcom and eating ice cream. We have to earn our own self respect too.
It’s called walking on eggshells. I had to do this too in the relationship I was recently in for just 6-7 months. I got so fed up from all the emotional abuse and he made it very clear that he DID NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS. HE WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME ANYMORE. This had been something I realized over time too. That’s what hurt. Like, had I not broken up with him how long would he have kept me on a string, breadcrumbing me and LYING to me saying he loved me?? Going through the motions. And he quit making any plans for us the last 2 weeks before I was just saying to myself okay…this is absurd. That is just SICK that a man can do that to a loving, caring woman like myself. But then again, he is a malignant narcissist. 😡
For me, I eventually realized that there was never a right time to address anything. On good days I was ruining his mood, and on bad days, I made his already shitty day even worse. Whenever I spoke up, it was met with responses like, 'I was having such a great day, and you just had to ruin it' or 'I had such a bad day at work and was looking forward to coming home. Home should be my safe space, and you make me not want to come home to you!' It didn't help that unless his day was GREAT, it was always bad, and he always found something minor to whine about that 'ruined his whole day.' How dare I bring up my feelings, especially after he had accidentally spilled his coffee in the car this morning!!! I never felt like I mattered. Even worse, eventually, I found myself shutting down my own feelings the way he had shut me down so many times before. To this day I struggle to break the dissociation that my brain adopted as a coping mechanism. We deserve better.
Mine told me every time we had an argument that I was making him miserable. Without fail, every single time. He also threw my Xanax in my face telling me to go take my medication so I could calm down and not be such a bitch 🤦♀️ he got mad at me if I told him to leave, too 😂 like if I make you so miserable then leave me. Thankfully my fiancé now is the SWEETEST man and I’m due with our girl in March ❤️ there’s hope!
I often feel like a burden for wanting to, in the mosey civil and respectful manner possible, my concerns, discomfort. I’ve been called, "too needy” or "too sensitive" and even that I have "too much pride." Thank you for this reminder ❤️
This hits so hard! I literally didn’t want to break the fragile peace by ever bringing up my feelings and when I did, he always ended up wanting me to apologize. It was pure TORTURE!
Problem with me (Man/male/XY/whatever tickels your fancy) is that I have a basic human trait : empathy. So, if I feel your misery I will react to it. Problem with my ex bringing up her issues was "No, don't suggest, do not comment, do not intervene, not judge, do nothing ... just feel my suffering. Then feel the same suffering again, then again and sometimes worst and sometimes better but no don't you dare get all patriarchal and try to fix things " Woman, I'm sick of suffering !!! No I will not "JUST" listen.
@@luxuryvagrant6496that is what empathy is, understanding what she needs in the moment. Chances are she may be an extrovert who needs to talk, to hear it externally, in order to process. I get that you want to resolve the suffering and there are those disordered thinkers who don’t want solutions and torture you with their pain, but think back and see if maybe she was just trying to wrap her head around something.
People who never quite get out of the toddler/ elementary narc stage, self centered, lying to protect their own ego, blaming others for things they did (we all pass through just some never make it to the other side), feel guilt and shame acutely but cannot convert it with action or a plan for it and so it amplifies which then leads them to blame you for the crappy feeling (no one is responsible for anyone’s feelings and responses but themselves but validating feelings doesn’t mean saying they are true but rather understandable.). That is why many who fall into narc behavior (we all do it to varying levels) as their default will follow this “script”. Demanding apologies for “hurt feelings” when all you’ve done is bring up something that bothered or hurt you, weaponizes your actual caring for them against you. I’ve found that being willing to risk the peace, and then setting the boundary for the conflict, can address some issues for those who want a healthy relationship. It can also be a determinant of this is someone who sees a relationship as transactional (tit for tat) or a joint effort where the tally sheet doesn’t matter because it balances in the end.
Nope. Narcissistically abused for 30 years. You touched on just the tip of the iceberg in my life. Was faithful to him and my marital vows all 30 years. He was not. The behavior highlighted in this video is part of the devaluation. The discard happened to me publicly on FB with someone our children's age. And the discard of our family continues on social media. Pay attention to how you feel.
This was right on time, Jimmy. I broke through the silence yesterday, on a lovely Sunday afternoon. I said, When times are good, I wonder if it's worth me saying anything but I must speak ... He made all of the old attempts, the emotionally needy person came out. I kindly let him know that I can't help him navigate his 47 year old emotions at this exact moment as I started this conversation to specifically discuss my needs and it's what I intend to do. I spoke. Hopefully he heard.
Wow. You've put into exact words what I have been experiencing for over a decade in my marriage now. As a result of it all, I've completely stopped bringing up any issues in the past three years or so because it hasn't been worth sacrificing this false illusion of "peace" I'd been "having." My heart cannot be fooled. No, my marriage has *NOT* gotten any better by avoiding these difficult conversations... I just learned to play the game well for a temporary time. And no, it hasn't completely eliminated arguments altogether either. At the end of the day I am the one that ends up suffering more as a consequence. Something HAS to change. Thanks for putting to words what I (and many others) have been experiencing, cause it has given me a wake-up call.
Good to hear that I am not the only person going through this. And surprised that there are so many like him living on this planet and may be in this country itself.
I really like you. YT put you in my feed. You have a huge heart. Thank you for helping all of us understand relationships. You're a really excellent man.
There are many other women out there who will treat you right. Women are desperate for a quality men, so with a little bit of time and effort you will find someone who respects you in no time, as long as you respect her too of course
@@ritaruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumost women are as bad as most men. Its rlly not a gender issue, I hope I can find a quality woman and a quality man friend in my life, at least one good person
My family and I have implemented an asking technique. If you have something big to share or things that are bothering you we can ask if now is a good time and the other person has the emotional bandwidth. It's really helped us heal from my dad's narcissism (he's out of the picture lol)
I so that too and it is NEVER a good time apparently. I tried different techniques - trying him to suggest a time, making an appointment in the diary, trying to talk via emails or letters, so everyone could read/write in their own time. Literally nothing was accepted and also no alternatives offered 🤷🏻♀️ Sometimes I begin to think that I am crazy and maybe too demanding? So, it’s good to read comments like yours where it’s been implemented successfully in another family.
This is so accurate it gave me the chills and unfortunately reminded me of all those “good times” that now with perspective and insight they were never the case
Thank you for validating me!!! This was an issue in my last relationship. I wanted to discuss things and I would be accused of being “too negative” and only focusing on what’s not working…. I just wanted to be heard and hear his side of things but it would just turn into a whole argument which I was always trying to avoid. Lesson learned
I’ve somehow created the belief my needs don’t matter. Had it since I was a kid it’s still an issue in my marriage I never feel like my needs are heard or matter when I voice them I’m disregarded. Lonely life
Jimmy, I just turned on my phone and this short played for me.. You don't even know how i need this at exactly this moment right now!!! Thank you so much for all you do, truly truly💯🙏
For you. And that's good. I'd be very appreciative of hearing a woman own and be accountable for the dismissive, deflective and abusive behaviours he is describing.
I feel like it becomes an issue of what to do with yourself when you don’t have anyone to turn to when you’re in pain. If your partner isn’t giving you the care you deserve, it’s ultimately (and honestly really unfairly) your duty of care to yourself to find ways to change your environment. Communication>absconding but leaving a toxic situation is always better than suffering alone
This right here is my issue. My husband gets mad if I talk to my friends about our issues, but when I bring the issues to him, he won't discuss them. Turning to my best friend for advice and support feels like all I can do when my husband's response is to either ignore what I'm saying or get defensive and blame me for whatever the issue is. When everything is my fault and the responsibility is on me to fix and he will not help... what else can I do?
@@Ad1nfernum Sir him down and ask him if he genuinely wants what's beat for you. That you are unhappy with things as they are, but you don't want to spend the rest of your life being with someone who won't communicate with you and makes you unhappy. Say that you're willing to continue life with him only if he starts stepping up and going with you to couples therapy. If he doesn't, then ask yourself if you REALLY want to live the rest of your life like this
This is such a good point! Excellent. Thank you for bringing it up. I had this incompleted feeling about it for a long time, and you just materialized it and put everything to places. This is a very needed support for people suffering in such toxic relationship.
Damn……… painful truths delivered so gently and nicely…… Thank you for looking out for, educating people, teaching emotional intelligence, relational skills and the importance of remembering to honor one’s own boundaries, needs, values, limits - and just one’s self, along with other people, those we love.
I know I’m only like 19, and nowhere near being in a committed relationship, but I have a fear of not being good enough. I really appreciate these videos because I want to make sure to learn how to make the right decisions in taking consideration for the one I love. Thank you man.
That's a good quality, but don't beat yourself up to much. Im 26 now and was the same. I focused too much on the parts of me that needed to be "fixed" and ended up hating myself, and when you hate yourself, it's a lot easier to stop caring about others as much. It's a double edged sword. You gotta love yourself a little in order to love others. You got this
@@razzytack I appreciate your words a lot. For a while I actually have had a problem with abandoning my own feelings in relationships, saying things like, “Oh just let me know when you’re ready! I’ll wait,” and I would basically just ignore how I really felt, and never got my feelings reciprocated. I basically said, screw how I’m feeling, this other person is the only thing that matters, even when they didn’t feel the same. I gotta a little self respect in my life, and I’m getting better at it slowly I think.
Same.. i was told that there was too much conflict, every day something when I wanted to speak on something. We have to stop doing the most for people and not being given the same. I rather stay single for the rest of my life than be in a r.s and still feel alone ❤.
Jimmy, you have a gift. This is what so many of us need to hear and it’s even more powerful coming from a man. Thank you!! Keep creating. You express these things so well!! 💯🙏🏼
Watching these little snippets has been very helpful in my process of sorting out the pain of my relationship with my adult daughter. I feel that when successful, this difficult behaviour becomes more entrenched with age. My daughter now in her 40s has become more entrenched and sadly her friendship life and connections and working life have become more volatile. No I cannot bring up the things that bother me. I sit wretchedly over the conundrum that she is my next of kin now I am old and I am frightened to change this. Tough one. Thank you for your work.
Thank you. I lived this way for far too long. It's been 4 years since i walked away, and I've come a long way in healing, but hearing the truth can still stop me in my tracks.
Wow, you have given me so much to work with in the short time that I've found your channel❤ My husband is a good man but he often does so much that you mention in your videos. I've shown him two that really rang true with me and he actually agreed and apologised!! He is working on this stuff, but I needed someone else's words to get through to him. When I used to bring anything up, I'd get stonewalled exactly like you said here...but now I have this from another man's perspective....it's amazing. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Often, people who are afraid of being abandoned will abandon themselves before others get a chance to do so 🙁 And often that stems from a feeling of being abandoned in the past when they needed care--so it's actually probably an internalization of their parent's feelings and needs taking precedence over their own. It becomes familiar.
my husband has learned so much of this...I showed him the coming home and wanted 30 minutes to adjust... and our younger child is disabled and I would count the minutes until he got home...and then I learned to give him his time. Most of it was catching up with work on the internet. He almost cried seeing that video. we talked about it. We stuck together, in a way grew up together. Today, in our old age, he's learned family. first and has so many people, including people on his team at work, that just come to talk to him. And he claims he learned from me to do little things, like our favorite employees at local fast food places, got gift cards (he also learns names of people now). One cried. (he also finds out who might need something). but, he learned it can feel good to do good. And success isn't just measured by salary and golf score.
So true! My ex bf always told me I ruined HIS weekend or HIS day, I've asked to schedule a time to talk....which led into him stonewalling and gaslighting..so the elephant in the room grew and grew until It blew up! I gave in. He will never care. A true narcissistic. Everything was about him and his time. And his time was always around his drinking too.
this is a good point honestly. cause i think bringing up things that might be bothering you or stuff that may have upset you that are still bothering you doesnt have to wreck a good day. honestly iv been personally coming to a understanding that taking the time to actually talk about those things especially with a good partner that is willing to truly listen and connect can make a day good to or even better because it will let you emotionally connect and feel like the problem is truly heard and that steps will actual be taken.
So many guys putting bs advise on here and then there is you, with profound wisdom put out in simple words and with humour ! Thank you so much for what you do. The impact will not be lost. Thanks to people like you, the future looks brighter ❤❤❤
This one struck me right to my core. After so long in this situation it’s very difficult to believe that I deserve reciprocal and kind love, especially because I’m constantly reminded of all my shortcomings, basically as an excuse of why I deserve to be mistreated 😔
I feel this deeply. This is what I experienced with my ex-husband. I’ve always blamed myself as if it was my fault I could never find the right way or time to talk about things without him blowing up. This is validating, thank you.
It is so awesome to hear you speak from both perspectives in a relationship, from a man and a woman's point of view. I was in a 14 year relationship with a narcissist and pretty much lost to what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. Watching your videos is teaching me that. THANK YOU!
I needed to hear this, thank you. For the last eight months now, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, figuring out what patterns I follow, and trying to understand why I've fallen into them, trying to heal from my childhood, and all that jazz. This video hits particularly hard, and reminds me that I lost some amazing people because I was trapped in the belief that they were the same as those who came before. My self abandonment running so deep that it ended up costing me a lot, though the bright side is that with the losses I incurred, I have been spurred into true self reflection - not mere self pity, but genuine introspection. I'm still very much in a deep healing journey, but at least now it feels like the comparison of a normal hospital patient after a surgery compared to someone in the ICU. Yours isn't the only content that has been critical to my process, but I want you to know, it HAS been critical for me. Thank you so much, Jim.
Get out of the narcissistic relationship thats how. Sadly. Oh the flashbacks. I spent a year depressed because of a relationship like this. (There was, of course, a lot more, but this is EXACTLY on point)
Giving me a surprised Pikachu face You always say the right words to things I could never figure out how to describe. These videos you make are enough to get me through the day. To keep my sanity and feeling less alone. "Not everything is forever" are my own words of comfort when things get too hard.
Establish a talk time regularly and give one another 2-3 minutes to get out what may be bothering them or even a good report (so negative conversations don’t become the expectation) then have a time after to discuss solutions together. A lot of folks sadly don’t even know what a HEALTHY conversation actually is. My husband grew up not being able to speak/express himself so a lot of one sided “discussions” So anytime he would bring up a topic me, actually invested in the topic, brought my perspective and responded to what he said he didn’t know HOW to handle that. So sad. He was often very short with people and used the “hi and by” type greetings and such. Engaging in discourse or dialogue made him feel out of place and he labeled it “argumentative” or “combative” I told him that I was very confused on how😅 he came to that conclusion as most conversations work that way. With more than one person speaking back and forth. Possibly differing opinions. So yeah we had to practice conversing until he stopped making assumptions that I was trying to start an argument just because I had something to add to the conversation. If it sounds like a lot of work , it is. 😅unfortunately it takes time for grown people to UNLEARN poor habits.
Thanks for this insightful comment. Brilliant that you were able to diagnose why your partner was perceiving normal give and take conversations as attacks /arguments. And even better that you were able and willing to help him thru this... and that he was receptive to your loving help. This is what successful couples do, they make each other stronger, instead of punishing each other for their very human failings. Kudos to you!
Very insightful, and I am happy to hear that it works for your relationship… unfortunately things aren’t that “simple,” for lack of better word, when dealing with more difficult personalities (or straight up narcissists).
@@TITA-n-Dimsum Oh I totally understand. Dealing with a certified narcissist is nothing pretty. I almost married one. I would avoid at all cost. They have to want to change themselves which unfortunately for their sake is extremely rare.
@@laurieparis2203 It definitely takes 2 willing partners to work through these things. Ego and pride can certainly hinder progress. He leads me well in other areas but in this particular area he had to trust the wisdom in his wife 😅
your comment is so helpful... thank you ... with this you show that people are not all "narcs" ... they JUST HAVE NEITHER LEARNED HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO EXPRESS THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELING ... NOR HOW TO HANDLE THE INFORMATION COMMUNICATED BY OTHERS. So... fighting is never right .... all the global wars show, too. Bcs with WEAPONS, bombs, tanks and missiles and even with temporary ceasefire WE NEVER GET A real view on our counterparts. HONEST COMMUNICATION IS ALWAYS THE KEY 💗☮️☯️💞
Wow! This is sooo good, Jimmy. You perfectly and succinctly summed up my past relationship in a matter of minutes. Sadly, many of us don't learn about this until we are years into a relationship, trying to make sense of our pain & confusion. These videos are so helpful- kudos for sharing your experience and insights to help others find the answers they are looking for!
This!🙌🏽 No matter how I’ve tried to frame my hurt or discomfort, I’ve been told that I’m either making a big deal out of nothing, trying to ruin a good night or a good vacation (and I’ve had getaways held over my head I feel), or, since those hurts and discomforts routinely remain unheard/unaddressed/dismissed/invalidated and I make any attempt to approach them again about them (even within the same week) then I’m living in the past and why can’t I just get over it and move on (this seemingly being THE primo tactic they use towards any hurt or discomfort I bring up to them after first pointing out how I’ve hurt them or made them feel discomfort and that I need to own that (so basically validate their pain and make things right and but don’t expect the same in return).
It's so sad how much this truly touches and resonates with most of us watching this video. But the silver lining is- we're watching it and waking up. 😌
There's one saying that I tend to think of when I hear people talk about this and it's "You can protect them all you want. But.... Who's protecting you?" It's not juts physical pain. There's emotional, spiritual, psychological.... There's too many ways to cause pain without leaving a visible scar.
I can't tell you how comforting and helpful your kind voice is, in addition to how healing the knowledge you share is. You are saving the lives of people living in Hellish abusive nightmares, and I'm sure that for a lot of us, you're the only kind face we regularly see, and the only person looking out for us, while we are living with someone who is actively destroying us. GOD BLESS YOU, and THANK YOU. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
What about the partner who just avoids and ignores the issues? I quit talking bc the person isn't listening or even seems to care. They ignore the issue till they assume I'm over it. Or all I get is generic "I know" or weak "sorry." It's lonely being forgotten or dismissed all the time.
@@jessicaf6358I know he loves me. I don't doubt that. I'm just not a priority emotionally. His family doesn't discuss emotions at all. They just ignore things bc "that's just how we have always done things." I get that excuse a lot. I have a personal viewpoint I think/feel often. " I'm not his first thought. I'm not his last thought. I'm nothing but an afterthought." I mean that in terms of my emotional fuel tank.
This here helped me walked away from my marriage. Issa different level of self-abandonment to be caught in this cycle. As a mental health professional who works with couples, I had to take a step back. I tried eeeveeerythang I know to work. I had to accept that I did enough, and at some point, it fell on them to make changes as well.
I did this when I didn't know anything about relationships and it's basically gaslighting yourself. If you realize you are worthy and you matter, you will start communicating your feelings and needs with a lot of fear at first, but it will turn into power really fast because you can then find out that either people care about you, Or they do not care about you in which case you're gonna run, and you'll start seeing poeple and the world almost with an extra sense it feels like 🤯
My mother is a narcissist. This is exactly what it's like being around her. Setting boundaries is a huge no-no. If she says or does something that upsets you, then you must be the bigger person and not say anything, or else it'll start a fight. It's so frustrating to be around her, and frankly, I'm tired of having to be the bigger person when talking to my own mother. Especially when being the bigger person means letting her blatantly disrespect you
Oh how I relate to this. I just moved in with her again because family with my baby daddy didn't work out. Imagine THIS torture She keeps telling me what I should do or what I'm doing wrong in motherhood. It's like I'm suffocating
@@mistyfreya I fully appreciate that hell. My mother is the reason I've decided to just not have kids. I've seen the hell my mother has put my sisters through when they had kids, and I figure it's easier to not have kids... or what until she dies
Your posts are fantastic! You should certify guys somehow - then on dating sites they could say "I've watched 20 hours of Jimmy on Relationships and support his message. I passed his relationship quiz with flying colors and am happy to talk about our childhood wounds early in the relationship, and how we can be sensitive to each other" That would get my attention!
I think this is a great idea, I would just and 2 things: 1 Should be for everybody, not just men. 2 Jimmy should give like ID that certify the leve in which you're, so you always carro it on your wallet 😅
So sad, so true. I am 46 years old, 6 years after escaped from narcissistic husband, after third therapy I understood that I have to right to being protective to myself, to laugh, to cry and have any emotions what I feel. I am not selfish b##ch because I care about my kids, their wealth and our safety. I just love my freedom! I wish I had known that before I have to escaped with kids, without any money, to another country and rebuilding our lifes. My children they are after therapy as well, they doing great! They knew it's ok to be unwell or happy. They knew our freedom is finished when we abused others. Thank you for your videos❤
I’m so happy you got out and found a way that allowed you and your children the space to heal and thrive. What you did is so brave, starting over in another country. But in many cases this great distance and no contact is what it takes to truly recover and live a happy life. It’s almost 10 years since I left but my kids still suffer due to exposure and contact. BRAVO to you!! I hope you share your story one day. 💛💯👏🏼
@@StephaniRoberts Thank you! I tried my best, I was a single mother for our kids long before I escaped. First year I was unhappy with his zero contact with children, at this time he can call them but he just said I have to come back with apologies! He never said sorry, never paid child support, I saw him twice in the court when I won the full custody! He tried convincing children that I am bad person and because of him I don't use my social media with my real name, children as well. And yes I can say recovering after narcissistic abuse is easier without the presence of an abuser. You are so strong to me, I don't know if I will be brave enough to face him again! I wish you the best ❤️
@@kasiaka9433 that’s an amazing story!! Such a win to gain full custody. God has your back! And so glad you’re operating safely with other names and protecting yourself and your children. You’re an awesome role model as example for women who don’t know what’s possible. Thinking out of the box to gain freedom to thrive vs a lifetime of coercive control and emotional abuse for you and your kids. So glad it worked out for you! And thank you for your well wishes. 💗
Thank you so much for your guidance and support 🤗 At the moment I'm alone most of the time unfortunately and your messages help me rethink about the kind of relationships I have with different people and with myself 😐
I am a relationship therapist/coach specializing in neurodiversity but also in identifying toxic/abusive (narcissistic) dynamics and personalities. Your videos are spot on. Thanks for being such a great resource for people.
I'm really glad you made this. I've been in a ton of relationships where because I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to complain or have any bad feelings but also supposed to be emotionally available for them. Also made me feel like something was wrong with me
Why do you think guys aren’t supposed to voice their feelings ? Funny how everyone comes up with reasons both express themselves and the reasons are different but the self censorship is exactly the same. If you feel you can’t talk freely and you’ve tried in good faith, its the wrong person. Humans are supposed to express themselves- otherwise the problem can’t be solved and society falls apart..
I had friends worried I was marrying an oldest child and only son. They were kind of right. But people are capable of change. It was sort of a rough journey at times, but not kidding, we're happy but eldest sons are a red flag.
those men exist - BUT .. we are too damaged to see them ! We all need to heal and be whole and healthy before even looking- I might need YEARS alone ! I am still with the narc, but planning on leaving.. but I do realize that I am an absolute narc MAGNET!.. and I do my part too - I like them just FINE !… and the. I am in … and I am trapped.. and I am sorry… and stuck … now to get out … AGAIN!
@@lucyt-c8092 im in the exact same boat. 🤗 hugs to ya. I hope we can both find our escape and happiness after we heal. Til then, know at least one other person is out there going what you are going through. Best of luck to the both of us.
My experience is that they exist, but the more bold men who approach have that confidence because they are players. The good one’s are sometimes waiting for the right moment or don’t know you would like them. I was sucked in by a narcissist. He was very bold and charming. My boyfriend today is one of the good guys. One day i just said “i like you.” He didn’t say anything at first. But, after a while, he casually asked about places i like to eat and asked me out. We took things slow and he was a gentleman. I find him sexy as hell and he is every inch of man. Often, i see comments like, “he needs to approach because he needs to be confident.” Confident in his ability to charm you and “bag you”? Or confident that he’s the guy for you? The second guy, you may make him nervous because he actually cares about what you think of him.
Where was these videos when I was in my last relationship. This has helped put how my anxious attachment style functions into words. I always described being in a relationship as an anxiously attached person is like holding on for dear life to a grenade when the pins already been pulled. It's hurting and straining me to keep holding on and I have to hold on tighter and tighter and tighter because I know that when I let go it will destroy me. And sadly the crucial moment that showed me that it wouldn't destroy it took the form of a breakup. We broke up and not only did I survive, I came out on the other side better off for it and suddenly aware of all the different ways that relationship was hurting me. Because during the relationship I was constantly explaining that hurt away. Just assuming that the fact that I felt neglected was due to my own anxiously attached short comings
My last relationship- nothing was discussed. I tried but he was just not capable of accepting, processing feedback, so I learned to say nothing and became more and more resentful.
This. My ex couldn't understand this. The good times were only good because I kept quiet.
I hate talking about the "good times" because really they were just times I shut my mouth and didn't stand up for myself
@@kriss.editzz you and me both. I hope you are in a better situation now
Yes! The “good times” are just when I decided to not bring up my feelings. The “good times” were when I felt the worst because I knew my silence brought my partner joy. I was gone less than a year after I realized this
Quiet with a big fake smile for him.
YES! The validation !!! I completely understood where you’re coming from.
This is how it has been in so many of my relationships. Including friendships. It's why I've started isolating. If I bring things up I'm made to feel like I'm being bitter or petty but I rarely do. So it's easier to keep my circle small or practically nonexistent.
Is there room for one more
i decided to just be alone until a worthy person comes along and proves their honesty, makes times for me etc. im not mother of the world i need help too.😢
its sad to realise it really have to come to this, when I first feel it I feel myself losing faith in anything. as if anyconnection will just end up the same, ,might as well not have one either.
Over the years I swapped out basically all of my friends bc it felt like that. But there are good and giving ppl out there. We just gravitate so naturally towards those that are takers. We have to be extra careful about in whom we confide. Don’t give up hope! We can do this. 💜
@@nanathekatz thank you
Omg! That’s exactly what happens with my partner. I try to find the “right” moment to say something that should be said and heard and no matter how good the moment is, he will say “Why did you have to bring this up? Couldn’t you wait till tomorrow/next week/after this or that??!!” And when I don’t and the thing which is not supposed to happen happens, he simply says “Why didn’t you say so all this time?” I am going crazy for not giving up on something I truly love, even though it may be dead…
Leave her, there are many other women out there who deserve you, the one you are with now is not one of them. Women are desperate for a quality men, so with a little bit of time and effort you will find someone who respects you in no time, as long as you respect her too of course
@@ritaruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuim mot sure you read the message correctly but it should be “leave him” the partner in question is a man
@@ritaruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuCommentor's partner is a guy lol.
@@ritaruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu I am HER. 😅 I am taking about him not giving in the relationship.
@@ritaruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuooops your misogyny is showing 🫢
Everyone, especially young women heavily socialized to be "peacekeepers," needs to hear this
I wish i had people in my life who focused on my happiness instead of me focusing on theirs only.
The right person will focus on you, maybe look else where :'(
I decided to focus on myself. Not neglect others, but focus on myself first. I like results so far. Maybe try? I count myself as a person who cares about me, as weird as it sounds.
Hey lady there are people out their that do. Leave the bums behind and find someone who is supportive and kind.
Me too
Same. I don't even know what that's like.
It blows my mind that you say exactly how I feel and what is going on in my life with my husband of 26 years. I'm not going to leave him,but you are really helping me to realize I don't have to take his crap! Your videos are making me stronger so I don't dislike myself anymore. Thank you so very much!!!!
do not bring up old shit when your boyfriend is having a good day. He probably has enough on his plate without you ruining the rare good day he's having
@@davidoftheforest hahahahahaha the point is clearly lost.
@@davidoftheforestsooo, we’re only concerned with the boyfriend having a good day huh? Does it matter is she has one? 🤔
@@Briarice in this scenario; he's the one overworked and stressed. She should be considerate. Your inability to comprehend this without having to have it explained to you, is concerning
Dude you are so so good at putting these thoughts into words!
As another fellow man, I applaud your work and who you are as a person, I wish more men were like you, because so many are just adult kids really
It's good to know there's other men who appreciate his work and perspective. Thank you for sharing here. He's very succinct in his presentation of otherwise burdensome relationship issues, including his videos with some humor.
Many really are adult kids. Trying to make a long-term relationship with one work feels like sacrificing some of the "best" years/decades of one's life... a foolish endeavor I realized way too late.
Thank you 🙏🏽 Yes 💙
I don't... Think that's a gendered issue. Most _people_ are like that.
@@XIIchiron78 Good to find a voice of reason in the comments on this channel. Unfortunately you're going to be in the minority because, while this guy does give good advice, he's also clearly one of those male content creators who draws in an audience of women who like seeing men bashing other men, so I expect the comments to reflect those views.
@@brandonwilliams4050 everybody taking the message as being about one sex or the other just reveals their own bias. Tbh I am disappointed that he doesn't call that out himself.
A few years ago this would bring me to tears. Now, a divorce, a whole lot of therapy and treatment later, just makes me mad at myself for not learning this sooner
Amen. Same here. It's like your brain has to be rewired.
After 43 years of marriage, I've finally learned, in the last 8 months, that all of the confusion and chaos that has been in our lives is because he is a narcissist. I couldn't identify what was going on, because I couldn't see through all of the confusion. It's quite sad to realize it so late in the marriage.
Jimmy, your videos speak to my heart...your exact words feel like you know my situation! Please keep them coming - you've got a gift! Narcissists can't learn about relationships because they are already "perfect," so I won't be able to show him. But I hope that your videos reach the younger women so that they know what to watch for in men to avoid this situation. I gave this marriage my everything. Wishing that I had known.
Thank you SO much for speaking about these topics!
I'm so sorry that's the situation you're in Lynne.. but your wisdom is being put to good use. I'll never fall for these things, and I'll help my friends who are at risk of falling for them
Can you accept that women can be the problem in relationships, or is it always men?
This is exactly my situation. You are not alone. I hope you find your peace.
@@nx9457 Thank you for sharing that I'm not alone. I hope that you find peace too.
I’m 31 and am going through this exact thing. Found out he was a narcissist after 6 years. Smh I feel like I learned all of this stuff too late 😢it sucks, lots of really unbearable lessons I had to learn… and honestly makes me not want to be in another relationship. It’s a lot of work it seems. Then u have the chance of being hurt, cheated on or abandoned 50 percent of the time. It’s so sad bc it’s ALOT of narcs running around pretending to be God fearing men. U kinda don’t see their true selves until you’re already hurting unfortunately.
Jimmy....you are so cool helping people.
My ex's happiness was built on my unhappiness and silence. He absolutely did not care how his actions or words affected me. In fact, he got some perverse satisfaction from making me cry.... 1 year, 7 months free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aw man ... I recently broke up with the love of my life(yesterday to be exact) and our fight was based on the topic that i wanted to make physical interaction only if he chooses to treat me right... He said love doesn't comes with ifs ... That if you do that, I'll do that. He also said 'get lost' which was so rude... I was just watching this guy's short about not being rude in a fight and i decided to break up... After 2 years of emotional abuse, I'm free but definitely very sad but i hope i find my mind's freedom from him.. just like u did
Wish me luck ❤️
Bravo to you…. now stop counting how long you’ve been free from this ball and chain. 👏🏼💐🎉
@@callmejennie2014 remember to stay strong and stay away from him when he comes crawling back with all his apologies. Keep running to find yourself.
Satisfied by seeing you cry?! That's serial killer shit, glad you got out.
@@biclopse8731 Yep... Thank you.
This resonated with me 100%! I was colluding in my own self betrayal by silencing myself. By trying to be less than, so that he would have a pleasant day. Walking around feeling invisible and unheard was too much to bear after decades of this scenario. I finally got the courage to walk away after 28 years. He thought I was crazy for demanding communication and emotional intimacy. But I realize that I needed that in order to feel whole and complete… Needless to say, I am living alone, but I was lonely living with him.🧘🏽♀️
good on you wish you healing
❤
I know this is for romantic relationships but it really applicable to family relationships and friendships. Sometimes we find we have selfish people in our relationships circles who are very disappointing 😢
Thankyou for the vid it eye opening
I think it all begins with ourselves. How we treat our own self will expand out to how others will treat us. If we practice self care and set boundaries for our own soul, others will respect that or disappear from our life. Just like we can’t trust others when they tell us something but do something different, we can’t do that to ourselves either. For example, we can’t tell ourself we are worthwhile and offer value and then spend the majority of every day watching reruns of our favorite sitcom and eating ice cream. We have to earn our own self respect too.
I learned to carefully chose WHEN to raise an issue, ‘timing’, and HOW to do it, ‘tone & attitude’. It never occurred to me to consider how I felt!
Exactly, and they expect us to keep a calm tone or attitude when the situation/ circumstances were far from calm.
Same!
It’s called walking on eggshells.
I had to do this too in the relationship I was recently in for just 6-7 months. I got so fed up from all the emotional abuse and he made it very clear that he DID NOT CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS. HE WAS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME ANYMORE. This had been something I realized over time too. That’s what hurt. Like, had I not broken up with him how long would he have kept me on a string, breadcrumbing me and LYING to me saying he loved me?? Going through the motions. And he quit making any plans for us the last 2 weeks before I was just saying to myself okay…this is absurd.
That is just SICK that a man can do that to a loving, caring woman like myself. But then again, he is a malignant narcissist. 😡
I just left. Finally. It feels really nice when other people articulate this kind of stuff.
It hits hard... feeling lonely with those you love is worst than being alone...
For me, I eventually realized that there was never a right time to address anything. On good days I was ruining his mood, and on bad days, I made his already shitty day even worse. Whenever I spoke up, it was met with responses like, 'I was having such a great day, and you just had to ruin it' or 'I had such a bad day at work and was looking forward to coming home. Home should be my safe space, and you make me not want to come home to you!'
It didn't help that unless his day was GREAT, it was always bad, and he always found something minor to whine about that 'ruined his whole day.' How dare I bring up my feelings, especially after he had accidentally spilled his coffee in the car this morning!!!
I never felt like I mattered. Even worse, eventually, I found myself shutting down my own feelings the way he had shut me down so many times before. To this day I struggle to break the dissociation that my brain adopted as a coping mechanism.
We deserve better.
🤗
💯
We sure do deserve better!!!
Mine told me every time we had an argument that I was making him miserable. Without fail, every single time. He also threw my Xanax in my face telling me to go take my medication so I could calm down and not be such a bitch 🤦♀️ he got mad at me if I told him to leave, too 😂 like if I make you so miserable then leave me.
Thankfully my fiancé now is the SWEETEST man and I’m due with our girl in March ❤️ there’s hope!
We all been degraded,underminded ,controlled by someone who is not worthy,these weak narcissistic people are in everywhere believe me ,
I often feel like a burden for wanting to, in the mosey civil and respectful manner possible, my concerns, discomfort. I’ve been called, "too needy” or "too sensitive" and even that I have "too much pride." Thank you for this reminder ❤️
This hits so hard! I literally didn’t want to break the fragile peace by ever bringing up my feelings and when I did, he always ended up wanting me to apologize. It was pure TORTURE!
Exactly! Same!!!
Problem with me (Man/male/XY/whatever tickels your fancy) is that I have a basic human trait : empathy.
So, if I feel your misery I will react to it.
Problem with my ex bringing up her issues was "No, don't suggest, do not comment, do not intervene, not judge, do nothing ... just feel my suffering.
Then feel the same suffering again, then again and sometimes worst and sometimes better but no don't you dare get all patriarchal and try to fix things "
Woman, I'm sick of suffering !!! No I will not "JUST" listen.
@@luxuryvagrant6496that is what empathy is, understanding what she needs in the moment. Chances are she may be an extrovert who needs to talk, to hear it externally, in order to process. I get that you want to resolve the suffering and there are those disordered thinkers who don’t want solutions and torture you with their pain, but think back and see if maybe she was just trying to wrap her head around something.
People who never quite get out of the toddler/ elementary narc stage, self centered, lying to protect their own ego, blaming others for things they did (we all pass through just some never make it to the other side), feel guilt and shame acutely but cannot convert it with action or a plan for it and so it amplifies which then leads them to blame you for the crappy feeling (no one is responsible for anyone’s feelings and responses but themselves but validating feelings doesn’t mean saying they are true but rather understandable.). That is why many who fall into narc behavior (we all do it to varying levels) as their default will follow this “script”. Demanding apologies for “hurt feelings” when all you’ve done is bring up something that bothered or hurt you, weaponizes your actual caring for them against you. I’ve found that being willing to risk the peace, and then setting the boundary for the conflict, can address some issues for those who want a healthy relationship. It can also be a determinant of this is someone who sees a relationship as transactional (tit for tat) or a joint effort where the tally sheet doesn’t matter because it balances in the end.
Nope. Narcissistically abused for 30 years. You touched on just the tip of the iceberg in my life. Was faithful to him and my marital vows all 30 years. He was not. The behavior highlighted in this video is part of the devaluation. The discard happened to me publicly on FB with someone our children's age. And the discard of our family continues on social media. Pay attention to how you feel.
Thirty seven years trying to get out😢
This was right on time, Jimmy. I broke through the silence yesterday, on a lovely Sunday afternoon. I said, When times are good, I wonder if it's worth me saying anything but I must speak ... He made all of the old attempts, the emotionally needy person came out. I kindly let him know that I can't help him navigate his 47 year old emotions at this exact moment as I started this conversation to specifically discuss my needs and it's what I intend to do. I spoke. Hopefully he heard.
How'd it go long term?
Wow. You've put into exact words what I have been experiencing for over a decade in my marriage now. As a result of it all, I've completely stopped bringing up any issues in the past three years or so because it hasn't been worth sacrificing this false illusion of "peace" I'd been "having." My heart cannot be fooled. No, my marriage has *NOT* gotten any better by avoiding these difficult conversations... I just learned to play the game well for a temporary time. And no, it hasn't completely eliminated arguments altogether either. At the end of the day I am the one that ends up suffering more as a consequence. Something HAS to change. Thanks for putting to words what I (and many others) have been experiencing, cause it has given me a wake-up call.
I cried when I listened to this one.
Wish it wasn't true
Good to hear that I am not the only person going through this. And surprised that there are so many like him living on this planet and may be in this country itself.
I really like you. YT put you in my feed. You have a huge heart. Thank you for helping all of us understand relationships. You're a really excellent man.
Well this one hit close to home..
There are many other women out there who will treat you right. Women are desperate for a quality men, so with a little bit of time and effort you will find someone who respects you in no time, as long as you respect her too of course
@@ritaruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumost women are as bad as most men. Its rlly not a gender issue, I hope I can find a quality woman and a quality man friend in my life, at least one good person
This video is a true revelation, a balm to my soul. I’m keeping this video close. Thank you, you beautiful soul
My family and I have implemented an asking technique. If you have something big to share or things that are bothering you we can ask if now is a good time and the other person has the emotional bandwidth. It's really helped us heal from my dad's narcissism (he's out of the picture lol)
I love this!! We do that too. Cuz sometimes, it really is a bad day. But he's right, not being able to talk about it at some point is still not right.
This is a wonderful suggestion
We do that too. However, sometimes the ‘good time to talk’ doesn’t come around.
Healthy
I so that too and it is NEVER a good time apparently. I tried different techniques - trying him to suggest a time, making an appointment in the diary, trying to talk via emails or letters, so everyone could read/write in their own time. Literally nothing was accepted and also no alternatives offered 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes I begin to think that I am crazy and maybe too demanding? So, it’s good to read comments like yours where it’s been implemented successfully in another family.
This is so accurate it gave me the chills and unfortunately reminded me of all those “good times” that now with perspective and insight they were never the case
So true. This goes for both partners. Each person needs to be a safe place to bring their feelings to.
Thank you for validating me!!! This was an issue in my last relationship. I wanted to discuss things and I would be accused of being “too negative” and only focusing on what’s not working…. I just wanted to be heard and hear his side of things but it would just turn into a whole argument which I was always trying to avoid. Lesson learned
Did you bring positive aspects too or just negative?
I’ve somehow created the belief my needs don’t matter. Had it since I was a kid it’s still an issue in my marriage I never feel like my needs are heard or matter when I voice them I’m disregarded. Lonely life
YOUR Needs MATTER🤗
Its hell, isnt it? I've just learned to keep my mouth shut. 🥲
It's probably because growing up, they didn't. It's very easy to internalize and make a habit of.
Am sorry for you, and yes, it's tough
@@shawnycoffman.. I repeat valerielove-“ your needs matter “!
You, sir, are a gift! Thank you ever so much!
"If the good times are only good.....they are not good" sooo true! Thank you for saying it so well❤
Jimmy, I just turned on my phone and this short played for me..
You don't even know how i need this at exactly this moment right now!!! Thank you so much for all you do, truly truly💯🙏
How amazing does it feel to have a man say these words? 😊
it's a fantasy for sure
Very. Very amazing!
For you. And that's good. I'd be very appreciative of hearing a woman own and be accountable for the dismissive, deflective and abusive behaviours he is describing.
if a man brings things up, then the woman leaves
don't worry you need to learn your place, you are second in a marriage and not equal and will never be so learn to just shut up
Wow so well said and clear. Thank you for this clarity
I feel like it becomes an issue of what to do with yourself when you don’t have anyone to turn to when you’re in pain. If your partner isn’t giving you the care you deserve, it’s ultimately (and honestly really unfairly) your duty of care to yourself to find ways to change your environment. Communication>absconding but leaving a toxic situation is always better than suffering alone
This right here is my issue. My husband gets mad if I talk to my friends about our issues, but when I bring the issues to him, he won't discuss them. Turning to my best friend for advice and support feels like all I can do when my husband's response is to either ignore what I'm saying or get defensive and blame me for whatever the issue is. When everything is my fault and the responsibility is on me to fix and he will not help... what else can I do?
@@Ad1nfernum Sir him down and ask him if he genuinely wants what's beat for you. That you are unhappy with things as they are, but you don't want to spend the rest of your life being with someone who won't communicate with you and makes you unhappy. Say that you're willing to continue life with him only if he starts stepping up and going with you to couples therapy. If he doesn't, then ask yourself if you REALLY want to live the rest of your life like this
This hits hard. I have learned alot from past mistakes and doing just that, making my pain matter matters. And mental health is more important
I wish I could share this with all my fellow autistic peers as this is really a message we need to hear more often.
This is such a good point! Excellent. Thank you for bringing it up. I had this incompleted feeling about it for a long time, and you just materialized it and put everything to places. This is a very needed support for people suffering in such toxic relationship.
Damn……… painful truths delivered so gently and nicely…… Thank you for looking out for, educating people, teaching emotional intelligence, relational skills and the importance of remembering to honor one’s own boundaries, needs, values, limits - and just one’s self, along with other people, those we love.
Omg when he said the phrase "too emotional" I felt that so deep in my heart my eyes started watering.
I know I’m only like 19, and nowhere near being in a committed relationship, but I have a fear of not being good enough. I really appreciate these videos because I want to make sure to learn how to make the right decisions in taking consideration for the one I love. Thank you man.
That's a good quality, but don't beat yourself up to much. Im 26 now and was the same. I focused too much on the parts of me that needed to be "fixed" and ended up hating myself, and when you hate yourself, it's a lot easier to stop caring about others as much. It's a double edged sword. You gotta love yourself a little in order to love others. You got this
@@razzytack I appreciate your words a lot. For a while I actually have had a problem with abandoning my own feelings in relationships, saying things like, “Oh just let me know when you’re ready! I’ll wait,” and I would basically just ignore how I really felt, and never got my feelings reciprocated. I basically said, screw how I’m feeling, this other person is the only thing that matters, even when they didn’t feel the same. I gotta a little self respect in my life, and I’m getting better at it slowly I think.
Same.. i was told that there was too much conflict, every day something when I wanted to speak on something. We have to stop doing the most for people and not being given the same. I rather stay single for the rest of my life than be in a r.s and still feel alone ❤.
Jimmy, you have a gift. This is what so many of us need to hear and it’s even more powerful coming from a man. Thank you!! Keep creating. You express these things so well!! 💯🙏🏼
also a man will be more open to listening to a man.
Watching these little snippets has been very helpful in my process of sorting out the pain of my relationship with my adult daughter. I feel that when successful, this difficult behaviour becomes more entrenched with age. My daughter now in her 40s has become more entrenched and sadly her friendship life and connections and working life have become more volatile. No I cannot bring up the things that bother me. I sit wretchedly over the conundrum that she is my next of kin now I am old and I am frightened to change this. Tough one. Thank you for your work.
Yesss. He would say all I wanted to do was argue… because he saw everything as an attack! So he turned it back on me.
Projecting bastard
This is so recognizable! Never a good time to bring up things that hurt me … do they ALL have the same way of communicating?!
Thank you. I lived this way for far too long. It's been 4 years since i walked away, and I've come a long way in healing, but hearing the truth can still stop me in my tracks.
Wow, you have given me so much to work with in the short time that I've found your channel❤
My husband is a good man but he often does so much that you mention in your videos.
I've shown him two that really rang true with me and he actually agreed and apologised!! He is working on this stuff, but I needed someone else's words to get through to him. When I used to bring anything up, I'd get stonewalled exactly like you said here...but now I have this from another man's perspective....it's amazing. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
I sometimes have the guts to say to my partner :
"I won't abandon you as long as it doesn't require me to abandon myself"
So many women, "set themselves on fire, so their partner can be warm."
great summary and short reminder. Thank you. Your comment is easy to keep in mind 👍
@puggirl415
Some of these men wouldn't understand that. It would go right over their heads.
Boundaries 🤩
Often, people who are afraid of being abandoned will abandon themselves before others get a chance to do so 🙁 And often that stems from a feeling of being abandoned in the past when they needed care--so it's actually probably an internalization of their parent's feelings and needs taking precedence over their own. It becomes familiar.
my husband has learned so much of this...I showed him the coming home and wanted 30 minutes to adjust... and our younger child is disabled and I would count the minutes until he got home...and then I learned to give him his time. Most of it was catching up with work on the internet. He almost cried seeing that video. we talked about it. We stuck together, in a way grew up together. Today, in our old age, he's learned family. first and has so many people, including people on his team at work, that just come to talk to him. And he claims he learned from me to do little things, like our favorite employees at local fast food places, got gift cards (he also learns names of people now). One cried. (he also finds out who might need something). but, he learned it can feel good to do good. And success isn't just measured by salary and golf score.
Me for 25 miserable years when I gave away my power and became someone else just to keep the peace and avoid being labeled needy.
I hope you left ? are leaving ? At least listen to yourself ? Have someone ( a friend? a cat ? ) who listens and is kind to you ?
So true! My ex bf always told me I ruined HIS weekend or HIS day, I've asked to schedule a time to talk....which led into him stonewalling and gaslighting..so the elephant in the room grew and grew until It blew up! I gave in. He will never care. A true narcissistic. Everything was about him and his time. And his time was always around his drinking too.
this is a good point honestly. cause i think bringing up things that might be bothering you or stuff that may have upset you that are still bothering you doesnt have to wreck a good day.
honestly iv been personally coming to a understanding that taking the time to actually talk about those things especially with a good partner that is willing to truly listen and connect can make a day good to or even better because it will let you emotionally connect and feel like the problem is truly heard and that steps will actual be taken.
So many guys putting bs advise on here and then there is you, with profound wisdom put out in simple words and with humour ! Thank you so much for what you do. The impact will not be lost. Thanks to people like you, the future looks brighter ❤❤❤
I literally just needed to hear this. Thank you❤
You're so right ! I've been there too many times. It's like I have to erase myself in order to not disrupt their well being.
This one struck me right to my core. After so long in this situation it’s very difficult to believe that I deserve reciprocal and kind love, especially because I’m constantly reminded of all my shortcomings, basically as an excuse of why I deserve to be mistreated 😔
I feel this deeply. This is what I experienced with my ex-husband. I’ve always blamed myself as if it was my fault I could never find the right way or time to talk about things without him blowing up. This is validating, thank you.
It is so awesome to hear you speak from both perspectives in a relationship, from a man and a woman's point of view. I was in a 14 year relationship with a narcissist and pretty much lost to what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. Watching your videos is teaching me that. THANK YOU!
It’s not a man and woman’s point of view, he just puts a wig on sometimes but none of these issues belong to a single gender.
@patriciabradshaw6
Same here!
@@nadiaoak5123
You know damn well men are the ones pulling this crap on us women
I needed to hear this, thank you. For the last eight months now, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, figuring out what patterns I follow, and trying to understand why I've fallen into them, trying to heal from my childhood, and all that jazz.
This video hits particularly hard, and reminds me that I lost some amazing people because I was trapped in the belief that they were the same as those who came before. My self abandonment running so deep that it ended up costing me a lot, though the bright side is that with the losses I incurred, I have been spurred into true self reflection - not mere self pity, but genuine introspection.
I'm still very much in a deep healing journey, but at least now it feels like the comparison of a normal hospital patient after a surgery compared to someone in the ICU.
Yours isn't the only content that has been critical to my process, but I want you to know, it HAS been critical for me. Thank you so much, Jim.
Get out of the narcissistic relationship thats how. Sadly.
Oh the flashbacks. I spent a year depressed because of a relationship like this. (There was, of course, a lot more, but this is EXACTLY on point)
Giving me a surprised Pikachu face
You always say the right words to things I could never figure out how to describe.
These videos you make are enough to get me through the day. To keep my sanity and feeling less alone.
"Not everything is forever" are my own words of comfort when things get too hard.
These videos are more than helpful and comforting. I love watching them and relating, makes me feel less alone ❤
So wise!! I've been told my whole life I'm too sensitive.
Establish a talk time regularly and give one another 2-3 minutes to get out what may be bothering them or even a good report (so negative conversations don’t become the expectation) then have a time after to discuss solutions together. A lot of folks sadly don’t even know what a HEALTHY conversation actually is.
My husband grew up not being able to speak/express himself so a lot of one sided “discussions”
So anytime he would bring up a topic me, actually invested in the topic, brought my perspective and responded to what he said he didn’t know HOW to handle that. So sad. He was often very short with people and used the “hi and by” type greetings and such. Engaging in discourse or dialogue made him feel out of place and he labeled it “argumentative” or “combative”
I told him that I was very confused on how😅 he came to that conclusion as most conversations work that way. With more than one person speaking back and forth. Possibly differing opinions.
So yeah we had to practice conversing until he stopped making assumptions that I was trying to start an argument just because I had something to add to the conversation.
If it sounds like a lot of work , it is. 😅unfortunately it takes time for grown people to UNLEARN poor habits.
Thanks for this insightful comment. Brilliant that you were able to diagnose why your partner was perceiving normal give and take conversations as attacks /arguments. And even better that you were able and willing to help him thru this... and that he was receptive to your loving help.
This is what successful couples do, they make each other stronger, instead of punishing each other for their very human failings. Kudos to you!
Very insightful, and I am happy to hear that it works for your relationship… unfortunately things aren’t that “simple,” for lack of better word, when dealing with more difficult personalities (or straight up narcissists).
@@TITA-n-Dimsum Oh I totally understand. Dealing with a certified narcissist is nothing pretty. I almost married one. I would avoid at all cost. They have to want to change themselves which unfortunately for their sake is extremely rare.
@@laurieparis2203 It definitely takes 2 willing partners to work through these things.
Ego and pride can certainly hinder progress. He leads me well in other areas but in this particular area he had to trust the wisdom in his wife 😅
your comment is so helpful... thank you ... with this you show that people are not all "narcs" ... they JUST HAVE NEITHER LEARNED HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT WORDS TO EXPRESS THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELING ... NOR HOW TO HANDLE THE INFORMATION COMMUNICATED BY OTHERS.
So... fighting is never right .... all the global wars show, too. Bcs with WEAPONS, bombs, tanks and missiles and even with temporary ceasefire WE NEVER GET A real view on our counterparts. HONEST COMMUNICATION IS ALWAYS THE KEY 💗☮️☯️💞
I needed to hear this today. Thank you so much
Wow! This is sooo good, Jimmy. You perfectly and succinctly summed up my past relationship in a matter of minutes. Sadly, many of us don't learn about this until we are years into a relationship, trying to make sense of our pain & confusion. These videos are so helpful- kudos for sharing your experience and insights to help others find the answers they are looking for!
This!🙌🏽 No matter how I’ve tried to frame my hurt or discomfort, I’ve been told that I’m either making a big deal out of nothing, trying to ruin a good night or a good vacation (and I’ve had getaways held over my head I feel), or, since those hurts and discomforts routinely remain unheard/unaddressed/dismissed/invalidated and I make any attempt to approach them again about them (even within the same week) then I’m living in the past and why can’t I just get over it and move on (this seemingly being THE primo tactic they use towards any hurt or discomfort I bring up to them after first pointing out how I’ve hurt them or made them feel discomfort and that I need to own that (so basically validate their pain and make things right and but don’t expect the same in return).
Yes. I have been too needy, too emotional and too sensitive. If I try to bring something back up now I am pushing and nagging
"always dragging up the past" - this is what I was always told.
It's so sad how much this truly touches and resonates with most of us watching this video. But the silver lining is- we're watching it and waking up. 😌
There's one saying that I tend to think of when I hear people talk about this and it's "You can protect them all you want. But.... Who's protecting you?" It's not juts physical pain. There's emotional, spiritual, psychological.... There's too many ways to cause pain without leaving a visible scar.
Omg, you said that so perfectly for me.
I can't tell you how comforting and helpful your kind voice is, in addition to how healing the knowledge you share is. You are saving the lives of people living in Hellish abusive nightmares, and I'm sure that for a lot of us, you're the only kind face we regularly see, and the only person looking out for us, while we are living with someone who is actively destroying us. GOD BLESS YOU, and THANK YOU. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
What about the partner who just avoids and ignores the issues? I quit talking bc the person isn't listening or even seems to care. They ignore the issue till they assume I'm over it. Or all I get is generic "I know" or weak "sorry." It's lonely being forgotten or dismissed all the time.
Does them not listening to you make you feel loved and cared for?
@@jessicaf6358yea it's the same answer
I can feel your pain. IGNORANCE is most painful than hate.
@@jessicaf6358I know he loves me. I don't doubt that. I'm just not a priority emotionally. His family doesn't discuss emotions at all. They just ignore things bc "that's just how we have always done things." I get that excuse a lot. I have a personal viewpoint I think/feel often. " I'm not his first thought. I'm not his last thought. I'm nothing but an afterthought." I mean that in terms of my emotional fuel tank.
Leave.
This here helped me walked away from my marriage. Issa different level of self-abandonment to be caught in this cycle. As a mental health professional who works with couples, I had to take a step back. I tried eeeveeerythang I know to work. I had to accept that I did enough, and at some point, it fell on them to make changes as well.
I did this when I didn't know anything about relationships and it's basically gaslighting yourself. If you realize you are worthy and you matter, you will start communicating your feelings and needs with a lot of fear at first, but it will turn into power really fast because you can then find out that either people care about you, Or they do not care about you in which case you're gonna run, and you'll start seeing poeple and the world almost with an extra sense it feels like 🤯
Well said❣️
I tell my hubby when he says that's the past. I answer if you keep doing it, then it's not the past.
The pain doesn't stay in the past. It is still important to honor your feelings.
The pain doesn't stay in the past. It is still important to honor your feelings.
The pain doesn't stay in the past. It is still important to honor your feelings.
My mother is a narcissist. This is exactly what it's like being around her. Setting boundaries is a huge no-no. If she says or does something that upsets you, then you must be the bigger person and not say anything, or else it'll start a fight.
It's so frustrating to be around her, and frankly, I'm tired of having to be the bigger person when talking to my own mother. Especially when being the bigger person means letting her blatantly disrespect you
Oh how I relate to this.
I just moved in with her again because family with my baby daddy didn't work out.
Imagine THIS torture
She keeps telling me what I should do or what I'm doing wrong in motherhood.
It's like I'm suffocating
@@mistyfreya I fully appreciate that hell. My mother is the reason I've decided to just not have kids. I've seen the hell my mother has put my sisters through when they had kids, and I figure it's easier to not have kids... or what until she dies
@@brokenandcraked omg I totally understand that.
Me with my father. I admire and care about him so much, but it's almost as if I'm treated like a dumb late bloomer 24/7. Why aren't I enough?
This is brilliant!! You speak my mind, Jimmy. Thank you! GBU❤
Your posts are fantastic! You should certify guys somehow - then on dating sites they could say "I've watched 20 hours of Jimmy on Relationships and support his message. I passed his relationship quiz with flying colors and am happy to talk about our childhood wounds early in the relationship, and how we can be sensitive to each other" That would get my attention!
Now THIS is a good idea! 😊
I think this is a great idea, I would just and 2 things:
1 Should be for everybody, not just men.
2 Jimmy should give like ID that certify the leve in which you're, so you always carro it on your wallet 😅
Great business idea!😊
Excellent!
Omg THIS would be amazing!!!
Wow. This is the story of my adult life. Thank you. Perspective is everything.
So sad, so true.
I am 46 years old, 6 years after escaped from narcissistic husband, after third therapy I understood that I have to right to being protective to myself, to laugh, to cry and have any emotions what I feel. I am not selfish b##ch because I care about my kids, their wealth and our safety.
I just love my freedom!
I wish I had known that before I have to escaped with kids, without any money, to another country and rebuilding our lifes. My children they are after therapy as well, they doing great! They knew it's ok to be unwell or happy.
They knew our freedom is finished when we abused others.
Thank you for your videos❤
I’m so happy you got out and found a way that allowed you and your children the space to heal and thrive. What you did is so brave, starting over in another country. But in many cases this great distance and no contact is what it takes to truly recover and live a happy life. It’s almost 10 years since I left but my kids still suffer due to exposure and contact. BRAVO to you!! I hope you share your story one day. 💛💯👏🏼
@@StephaniRoberts Thank you!
I tried my best, I was a single mother for our kids long before I escaped.
First year I was unhappy with his zero contact with children, at this time he can call them but he just said I have to come back with apologies! He never said sorry, never paid child support, I saw him twice in the court when I won the full custody! He tried convincing children that I am bad person and because of him I don't use my social media with my real name, children as well.
And yes I can say recovering after narcissistic abuse is easier without the presence of an abuser.
You are so strong to me, I don't know if I will be brave enough to face him again!
I wish you the best ❤️
@@kasiaka9433 that’s an amazing story!! Such a win to gain full custody. God has your back! And so glad you’re operating safely with other names and protecting yourself and your children. You’re an awesome role model as example for women who don’t know what’s possible. Thinking out of the box to gain freedom to thrive vs a lifetime of coercive control and emotional abuse for you and your kids. So glad it worked out for you! And thank you for your well wishes. 💗
Thank you for your clarity. Many blessings 🙏✨
Thank you so much for your guidance and support 🤗 At the moment I'm alone most of the time unfortunately and your messages help me rethink about the kind of relationships I have with different people and with myself 😐
Thank you for this and LEARNED something again 😊
Perfectly said ❤️ the good times weren’t good if I was sacrificing myself.
Probably enjoyed the sex though. Just saying
You’re so awesome. No doubt your wisdom is guiding so many people. Keep rocking. Thanks.
I wish I heard this 17 years ago.
I am a relationship therapist/coach specializing in neurodiversity but also in identifying toxic/abusive (narcissistic) dynamics and personalities. Your videos are spot on. Thanks for being such a great resource for people.
I'm really glad you made this. I've been in a ton of relationships where because I'm a guy, I'm not supposed to complain or have any bad feelings but also supposed to be emotionally available for them. Also made me feel like something was wrong with me
Why do you think guys aren’t supposed to voice their feelings ?
Funny how everyone comes up with reasons both express themselves and the reasons are different but the self censorship is exactly the same. If you feel you can’t talk freely and you’ve tried in good faith, its the wrong person. Humans are supposed to express themselves- otherwise the problem can’t be solved and society falls apart..
@nadiaoak5123 is exactly what I meant. A lot of the past relationships I was in it ended because I was "too emotional"
I didn't know anyone knew or understood. It is spoken as clear as day! Wow! Thank You
Because all narcissists need an intimate partner who acts like their mother and mothers love with no conditions.
You hit the nail on the head. But I'm not his mother. And our love has conditions, which need to be consistently met.
I had friends worried I was marrying an oldest child and only son. They were kind of right. But people are capable of change. It was sort of a rough journey at times, but not kidding, we're happy but eldest sons are a red flag.
Just subscribed to your channel and binge watching your videos. Thanks for speaking for those who feel silenced.
Man. Needed this message today!
Thank you. I can see you listened well to ppl who come to you. This is exactly my situation ❤. Im glad for you.
The truth hurts 😢😮 I wish I could meet someone that would treat me the way I treat them. Do those men exist?
Exactly what I'm thinking.. how the hell do u find someone like this? 😭
They do. Sorry you haven't been able to find one... yet! Best hopes for you ❤
those men exist - BUT .. we are too damaged to see them ! We all need to heal and be whole and healthy before even looking- I might need YEARS alone ! I am still with the narc, but planning on leaving.. but I do realize that I am an absolute narc MAGNET!.. and I do my part too - I like them just FINE !… and the. I am in … and I am trapped.. and I am sorry… and stuck … now to get out … AGAIN!
@@lucyt-c8092 im in the exact same boat. 🤗 hugs to ya. I hope we can both find our escape and happiness after we heal. Til then, know at least one other person is out there going what you are going through. Best of luck to the both of us.
My experience is that they exist, but the more bold men who approach have that confidence because they are players. The good one’s are sometimes waiting for the right moment or don’t know you would like them. I was sucked in by a narcissist. He was very bold and charming. My boyfriend today is one of the good guys. One day i just said “i like you.” He didn’t say anything at first. But, after a while, he casually asked about places i like to eat and asked me out. We took things slow and he was a gentleman. I find him sexy as hell and he is every inch of man. Often, i see comments like, “he needs to approach because he needs to be confident.” Confident in his ability to charm you and “bag you”? Or confident that he’s the guy for you? The second guy, you may make him nervous because he actually cares about what you think of him.
Exactly 💯. Love how you put it. Thank you ❤
Where was these videos when I was in my last relationship.
This has helped put how my anxious attachment style functions into words.
I always described being in a relationship as an anxiously attached person is like holding on for dear life to a grenade when the pins already been pulled. It's hurting and straining me to keep holding on and I have to hold on tighter and tighter and tighter because I know that when I let go it will destroy me.
And sadly the crucial moment that showed me that it wouldn't destroy it took the form of a breakup. We broke up and not only did I survive, I came out on the other side better off for it and suddenly aware of all the different ways that relationship was hurting me. Because during the relationship I was constantly explaining that hurt away. Just assuming that the fact that I felt neglected was due to my own anxiously attached short comings
My last relationship- nothing was discussed. I tried but he was just not capable of accepting, processing feedback, so I learned to say nothing and became more and more resentful.