Thank you Jon for being so honest with your struggles with being defensive. I have the same struggles. Honestly it's nice to hear tips that might help from someone that shares the pain.
Want this also. And not just the type of self-harm we typically hear about (or see in movies/tv). I think it can also come in the form of self-sabotage. Sometimes we don't let ourselves have or enjoy good things. Or we make bad choices or allow for a negative situation to continue/worsen. (I'm speaking of things big and small). And then there's the oddity of this being a deliberate or subconscious thing. There are plenty of big moves I could make to improve my life, but it's too easy to put them down to something else ("too much planning," "too complicated," etc). So let's look at small joys, because those should be easy. There are things I could do for a few minutes each day that are just for me -- to pull back from my stressed mindset so I can unwind, detach, express myself, create, and just be me. I have piles of things that I KNOW I enjoy and find calming. All I have to do is pick them up.. But they've stayed untouched for years. There's a false sense of self care in having these things around, because I've "given them to myself".. But not really. They've merely been constant options on display that I've denied myself to have. And now that I think about that, it's kind of mean and twisted. ..But that's a small example. This way of operating can worm its way into many areas of one's life. I think many who have stopped physical self-harm go on to subconsciously carry out self-harm in other forms. What would be helpful is to be able to identify those behaviors/patterns sooner (rather than years into it) and what to do about it.. You think your mindset has been "I love myself and I have value," but when you notice self-harm has simply mutated into less obvious behaviors, it can throw you for a loop. I love who I am and I know I have value, but my actions (and inactions) say otherwise. How far down do the roots of self-harm go? Because it seems to me that it can go way deeper into the psyche than some people realize.
@EmpressMeg I call this Self Destructive behavior myself. Not self harm cause almost everyone is self destructive but not everyone considers themselves a self harmer yet we all acknowledge we can sabotage ourselves, our happiness, relationships and good things in our lives but don’t know how to avoid these patterns. xx
The inner refuge of the natural mind is not a belief or a concept. This experience has no shape, no color, no definition, no single location, nor is it the product of any religion or philosophy. Recognizing the natural mind, we are freed from suffering; failing to recognize this, we continue to suffer. The discovery of the natural mind heals divisions, resolves conflicting emotions and thoughts, and extinguishes confusion and suffering. When we recognize our natural mind, and attain stability and maturity in the recognition of this source within, we refer to this attainment as enlightenment. As humans, we each have an incredible treasure, a place of wisdom in ourselves. But we have lost touch with the refuge within ourselves.
Yeah i’ve been with people(avoidants) who were physically pained to say they miss you. An old partner said they’d never said that to anyone and it felt weird. These are the same people who can’t tell their parents or dying relatives they love them(self admitted! I was shocked).
This is such a great and practical series! Really looking forward to the one you mentioned about an anxious and avoidant mix in a relationship. Thank you for your work guys 🙏
About example 1, I only disagree with it on one point: the first part. If you don't actually appreciate it, your actions will not match your words which can then lead to mistrust. but Jonathan, you said it right: the structure is good. Replace with a truth that applies to your situation.
Yes yes yes me me me. My psychologist and I are working on this and I’m resisting and yes, defensive, but ironically want to please her too. My homework is really basic things to some, like DON’T bake those cupcakes for someone who didn’t ask for them. And say No to things without having to bring up all the reasons that a time won’t work. It’s tough.
I have a friend I have known for 2.5 years now. And for a good 2 of those years, we were very close, talking and hanging out all the time, and I felt like I could be myself around them and be vulnerable. I still struggled overall with the friendship because I'm not good with relationships and have a lot of past trauma with them. But despite that, the friendship overall felt great. And then recently, it just began to fall apart. A lot of fighting. Anger. Insults. A sudden refusal for hugs. Not being willing to help me through the anxiety anymore. We began to spend less time talking to each other and hanging out. I felt it so hard, that anxiety, that pull away, that feeling that I was losing yet another person. But anytime I try to discuss it, try to help fix the issues, it just seems to blow up in my face. My friend does get very defensive, even when I'm using "I" statements and not trying to place blame. And now, it feels like I haven't gotten any proper connection with them in a week. And I'm someone who got used to having the connection everyday. Going a whole week feels like torture. I know I have to work on myself, but I don't know how to approach this friendship anymore. If I should walk away, I know I can do so and will, because I have done so in the past. But I keep feeling like I shouldn't walk away. I keep feeling like I shouldn't give up, that I need to keep trying, that I just haven't figured out the right way yet. I want to be there for my friend, be supportive, be a shoulder to lean on. But how in the world do I convey that, while also simultaneously conveying my own needs and standing my ground? I don't mind finding a compromise. I don't mind talking it through. I just wish my friend was open to doing the same and not getting so defensive. And I worry that if I do try one more time talk about it, that I will just push them further away. 😔
I'm so sorry, that's heartbreaking and so hard. My advice? Keep your side of the street clean with accountability and perspective-taking. Explore if there's anything you need to apologize or be accountable for and do so. Recognizing that "everyone's behavior makes sense to them," why might they be acting how they are acting? You don't have to agree with or justify the words or behavior, but if you can sympathize with the emotions and model humble accountablity, that often softens hearts. Start with that. Let the conversation be just that. Then tell them that you also have wounds, and if and when they're willing to talk about them, you'd like to do so. But right now, you just wanted to apologize and gain a better understanding of where they're coming from. Then listen with the focus to have compassion and accountability, not to get defensive.
Thank you Jon for being so honest with your struggles with being defensive. I have the same struggles. Honestly it's nice to hear tips that might help from someone that shares the pain.
You're so welcome!
Could you guys please do a video on self harm? This channel really inspires me and I’ve struggled with this particular topic for a while now.
Absolutely we can. I'll get to work on it.
Want this also. And not just the type of self-harm we typically hear about (or see in movies/tv). I think it can also come in the form of self-sabotage. Sometimes we don't let ourselves have or enjoy good things. Or we make bad choices or allow for a negative situation to continue/worsen. (I'm speaking of things big and small).
And then there's the oddity of this being a deliberate or subconscious thing.
There are plenty of big moves I could make to improve my life, but it's too easy to put them down to something else ("too much planning," "too complicated," etc). So let's look at small joys, because those should be easy. There are things I could do for a few minutes each day that are just for me -- to pull back from my stressed mindset so I can unwind, detach, express myself, create, and just be me. I have piles of things that I KNOW I enjoy and find calming. All I have to do is pick them up.. But they've stayed untouched for years.
There's a false sense of self care in having these things around, because I've "given them to myself".. But not really. They've merely been constant options on display that I've denied myself to have. And now that I think about that, it's kind of mean and twisted.
..But that's a small example. This way of operating can worm its way into many areas of one's life.
I think many who have stopped physical self-harm go on to subconsciously carry out self-harm in other forms. What would be helpful is to be able to identify those behaviors/patterns sooner (rather than years into it) and what to do about it.. You think your mindset has been "I love myself and I have value," but when you notice self-harm has simply mutated into less obvious behaviors, it can throw you for a loop. I love who I am and I know I have value, but my actions (and inactions) say otherwise.
How far down do the roots of self-harm go? Because it seems to me that it can go way deeper into the psyche than some people realize.
@EmpressMeg I call this Self Destructive behavior myself. Not self harm cause almost everyone is self destructive but not everyone considers themselves a self harmer yet we all acknowledge we can sabotage ourselves, our happiness, relationships and good things in our lives but don’t know how to avoid these patterns. xx
@@MendedLight thank you so much 🤎
The inner refuge of the natural mind is not a belief or a concept. This experience has no shape, no color, no definition, no single location, nor is it the product of any religion or philosophy. Recognizing the natural mind, we are freed from suffering; failing to recognize this, we continue to suffer. The discovery of the natural mind heals divisions, resolves conflicting emotions and thoughts, and extinguishes confusion and suffering. When we recognize our natural mind, and attain stability and maturity in the recognition of this source within, we refer to this attainment as enlightenment. As humans, we each have an incredible treasure, a place of wisdom in ourselves. But we have lost touch with the refuge within ourselves.
"I miss you" is indeed a compliment, but if your partner is not taking it as such, that shows there may not be a healthy pattern there
Good point.
Yeah i’ve been with people(avoidants) who were physically pained to say they miss you. An old partner said they’d never said that to anyone and it felt weird. These are the same people who can’t tell their parents or dying relatives they love them(self admitted! I was shocked).
Was quite literally having an episode of these kind of thoughts and saw that this got posted! Thanks guys!
You're so welcome!
How did you know this is what I go through every episode of anxiety? 🤨
Because you are not alone :)
THANK YOU!!! 🎉 I always needed this. Please continue!!
You got it!
This is such a great and practical series! Really looking forward to the one you mentioned about an anxious and avoidant mix in a relationship. Thank you for your work guys 🙏
Coming soon! You are very welcome :)
Thank you for this it really helps to have a healthy guideline to communicate better!
You're so welcome!
Love from a EuroBrady and Vaush fan!
About example 1, I only disagree with it on one point: the first part. If you don't actually appreciate it, your actions will not match your words which can then lead to mistrust. but Jonathan, you said it right: the structure is good. Replace with a truth that applies to your situation.
Did I miss the disorganized attachment style video? Or is that one still to come?
Could you do a video on communicating about needs for physical intimacy to a partner. I love your videos
This hits home too much 😢
Can you please do a video on infidelity and how to heal and overcome it without ending the relationship?
Yes yes yes me me me. My psychologist and I are working on this and I’m resisting and yes, defensive, but ironically want to please her too. My homework is really basic things to some, like DON’T bake those cupcakes for someone who didn’t ask for them. And say No to things without having to bring up all the reasons that a time won’t work. It’s tough.
You got this! Also, cupcakes? Did somebody say cupcakes?
This one hit different, thank you for sharing :')
Glad you enjoyed it!
Hi!! What book can I get to read about worth ties? Where can I learn more about this? Thanks so much
THANK YOU 🙌❤️🔥
Our pleasure!
I have a friend I have known for 2.5 years now. And for a good 2 of those years, we were very close, talking and hanging out all the time, and I felt like I could be myself around them and be vulnerable. I still struggled overall with the friendship because I'm not good with relationships and have a lot of past trauma with them. But despite that, the friendship overall felt great.
And then recently, it just began to fall apart. A lot of fighting. Anger. Insults. A sudden refusal for hugs. Not being willing to help me through the anxiety anymore. We began to spend less time talking to each other and hanging out. I felt it so hard, that anxiety, that pull away, that feeling that I was losing yet another person. But anytime I try to discuss it, try to help fix the issues, it just seems to blow up in my face. My friend does get very defensive, even when I'm using "I" statements and not trying to place blame. And now, it feels like I haven't gotten any proper connection with them in a week. And I'm someone who got used to having the connection everyday. Going a whole week feels like torture.
I know I have to work on myself, but I don't know how to approach this friendship anymore. If I should walk away, I know I can do so and will, because I have done so in the past. But I keep feeling like I shouldn't walk away. I keep feeling like I shouldn't give up, that I need to keep trying, that I just haven't figured out the right way yet.
I want to be there for my friend, be supportive, be a shoulder to lean on. But how in the world do I convey that, while also simultaneously conveying my own needs and standing my ground? I don't mind finding a compromise. I don't mind talking it through. I just wish my friend was open to doing the same and not getting so defensive. And I worry that if I do try one more time talk about it, that I will just push them further away. 😔
I'm so sorry, that's heartbreaking and so hard. My advice? Keep your side of the street clean with accountability and perspective-taking. Explore if there's anything you need to apologize or be accountable for and do so. Recognizing that "everyone's behavior makes sense to them," why might they be acting how they are acting? You don't have to agree with or justify the words or behavior, but if you can sympathize with the emotions and model humble accountablity, that often softens hearts. Start with that. Let the conversation be just that. Then tell them that you also have wounds, and if and when they're willing to talk about them, you'd like to do so. But right now, you just wanted to apologize and gain a better understanding of where they're coming from. Then listen with the focus to have compassion and accountability, not to get defensive.
Sorry to bother you.....😢
It's no bother :)