I always remember watching the ending of "Mrs Doubtfire", and being moved by the closing message of your parents always loving you, but simply wanting different things in life, or no longer wish to be together. Sometimes, it really is the best solution for everyone involved, and they rarely get back together in real life, contrary to what "The Parent Trap" would have you believe.
@@MendedLight Agreed. I'm *_so_* glad that Robin Williams and Sally Field insisted that the Hilliards should not get back together at the end, contrary to what the script originally called for.
I recently rewatched this film and felt represented. I recently got divorced after years of internal struggle because I realized that we had become just friends. I only regret having delayed the decision to separate for a long time, keeping both of us trapped in that incomplete model.
This was very eye-opening, I've never seen anyone get divorced in such a healthy way and with so much love and respect for the other partner. Thank you for sharing
When Alicia spoke about self betrayal, that resonated with me. I am working on that, too. Something I tell myself sometimes is, "Well, the good thing about me being the problem is I'm also the solution."
Exactly! I always said, "I'd rather be the one that's wrong than someone else be wrong because at least I know that I will change, where there's no guarantee others will."
My grandparents realized they were better as friends than spouses, and they divorced amicably and remained co-parents. They divorced before any of the grand kids were born, and it is truly one of the greatest gifts they gave to our family. Their ability to laugh together and remain deep friends meant that they were able to attend all family functions together with joy, and it showed all of us how relationships could evolve. Seeing their divorce helped me never fear divorce. and I am so thankful for their influence in our lives in that way. They both remarried and their spouses had similar divorces previously, so it was great to have such an open and honest blended extended family. Your experience sounds very similar to theirs and it is wonderful to see another great example of an evolving relationship.
You guys are so freaking brave. I divorced my husband because he became addicted to drugs and gave up trying. He decided he'd rather get divorced than go to rehab. Divorce turned out to be the rock bottom he needed to move forward - and now he's sober in another state with a large sobriety network of old friends and family. We are still friendly, there is still love and respect, and this absolutely baffles people. I was definitely treated as if I failed somehow, because if he's not a monster I guess I gave up easily. And I did NOT. He was dangerous to both of us. But I also think it's healthy to leave before you hate the person. My parents have also gone through divorce so my vows were carefully worded. It's a foolish act of immaturity and naivete to make bold promises of "forever" because life is both short but also very long.
I am proud of you leaving. My parents had the same thing. (My dad is an alcoholic.) I had wished for the divorse of my parents for years. I had lived years on my own, when they finally divorsed. I was already desperate as I saw my mum and youngest brother suffering, when living with him. I started to wish he was not alive. 😭 Yes, I agree. Horrible thought, but I have forgiven myself. I did not see any other way out as my mum was not divorsing him even if situation had been horrible for years and years. Luckily, finally my mum divorsed him about 10 years ago. It took him about a year after that that he finally reached the bottom. Now he has been sober for about 9 years. Both are in loving relationships with partners, who is much better fit with their current selfs. 🥰 My parents are in friendly terms with each other. I have easy time inviting them to same party if I want. Even when they were not in super good terms, they always put us kids first. Never did they show us messy parts of their divorse. Only years later, my mum shared tiny part, where SHE had been acting not nicely during divorse. I love them both. I see them both when I have time. Divorse of my parents was best thing that could happend to them (and us kids). If they had not divorsed, I don't think my dad would be alive (he would have drinked himself dead) and my mum would have much harder time getting back to her feet. And it might be that my relationship with them would have gone bad if they had not divorsed.
@@emmi3785 What a great example! Yes, divorce does not have to mean failure, either. Relationships can end, and they can also change and evolve. I'm so glad it worked well for your parents and your dad got to become the parent you always deserved, even if it was very late!
"I also think it's healthy to leave before you hate the person." Before my now-ex wife and split a little over two years ago, I could sense (or I imagined; I don't mean to speak for her) that she was coming to despise me, but I didn't really know how to change that trend. When she decided to leave, it absolutely gutted me, but despite that, I'm *_SO_* glad that she left before she reached that point. As hard as it was for me (and still is, honestly), it would be 10x harder if we were no longer friends and she hated me now.
@@derekfnord My parents hated each other and when they got divorced it was so hard on me and my brother. And themselves. It's better to leave with love, even though it's totally devastating. I spent 5 years mourning the end of my marriage - it was so hard, maybe in part because there's still love there. But I don't regret my decision
As someone who is potentially getting married in the near future, it's challenging to see individuals who I perceive as emotionally healthy and mature decide to get a divorce. The gut feeling I get is "if they can't do it, what hope do I have?" This isn't meant as criticism, but just honest reflection. I appreciate the video, thanks :)
I think that that sentiment is understandable. I think that maybe remember that all humans are different can help You with that sentiment. Even Jono and Alicia were different when they married. They married without previuos doing all the work in themselves, with all the hurt and false forms of thinking that make the Two of them have difficulties in their relationships, with theirs way of living and with themselves included. You only can see now the Jono and Alicia after and still doing the work to heal the hurts, think different and being better in their relationships. And for that they are people that could make a divorce without broke their family, their friendship and their business and that, to me, have a Lot of merit and speak about their great progress. So, the point of all that is: try to not be afraid for your posible future married by Working in yourself right now. That is the Best thing You can do for that posible partneship. Pd. I'm a costarican, so sorry if my English was off.
If it helps, I can offer one small nugget of wisdom to put your concerns at ease. "Divorce" is not necessarily the "failure" to make a marriage work. It can be that, most certainly. But sometimes it is merely the emotional maturity to objectively look at who you both have grown into and say "this doesn't benefit anyone involved anymore and continuing on is either being selfish, or playing pretend." Both of which eventually lead to resentment. It's going to sound weird, but the best advice I can offer is to view marriage as a sort of business merger. Bear with me. You MUST be objective going into it as to whether or not your visions for the future are the same and that the path you're about to travel are going the same direction. That doesn't mean being identical in every way. But it typically DOES mean having similar life goals, an understanding and respect for eachothers values and similar enough values to not step on eachother's toes constantly, and the understanding of both your partner's needs as well as your OWN and the ability to communicate those things. Unspoken expectations are just premeditated resentments. But eventually you also have to be able to look at what you've built together and assess whether or not you are both growing in the same direction. And if not, then you have to assess if it's manageable, tolerable, or destructive. Seeing that a marriage has become destructive and admitting, this isn't working and it probably CAN'T work, is not a sign of failure. Just that things changed and who you both became is not as healthy together as who you both were. And that happens. So try and make sure you're always growing together and don't do things that will cause regret. I wish you luck in your marriage. I hope you found your forever person. 🥰🙏
This. I know I've historically not been a great partner in past relationships. I did a lot of work on myself and now I'm in a really great relationship. We plan to get married. But I've seen so many marriages dissolve and change for the worse. I'm honestly really terrified about how I could potentially get hurt if this relationship doesn't work. Which is a me issue to fix, I guess.... I like what was said right there, how "divorce isn't failure of marriage"... but a redirecting of two people. I do my best to be as honest and forward and real about my thoughts and feelings and unhappinesses when they come, with all my people. I've worked really hard to get to that. I don't know. I'm happy they aren't giving up on each other. That's really great. But I guess I just need to know that a good happy, emotionally stable and caring, marriage can exist.
Incompatibility plays a massive role imo. People need to have compatible set of needs. Especially if those needs are something that can’t be outsourced to friends to meet. Such as incompatible sex drives. Or if one persons life goal is to live on the road and the other person is a homebody and neither enjoys connecting over the phone, it just can’t work.
Thanks for sharing your story, Jonathan and Alicia. Divorces are difficult for everyone involved, but as long as the children know that both of their parents love them, but need to be apart, then it gets easier.
Lots of people in the comments saying they are so sad about your divorce so I’m going to counter that and say I’m so happy for you on your successful and healthy divorce!🎉 (Just to add that’s not a criticism of people feeling sad about it, their feelings are valid too)
I'm right in the middle. I'm so happy they're having a healthy divorce, but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me sad that it didn't work out as a marriage.
@@SailorCetra this is where i fall im sad to hear it and i think maybe things can be worked through if so amicable and so much love still there but i also realize not everyone is meant to be together. im glad they are both choosing a healthy path not only for themselves but for all the kids as well.
My late sister, who was not typically a source of wisdom, used to say, “It’s better to be from a broken home than in a broken home.” That isn’t to say every couple who parts has truly broken their home, but the truth of the sentiment remains.
I almost cried when you started talking about how you recognized attributes that you brought to the marriage that led to broken trust and spoke about it in a way that wasn’t resentful or trying to place blame elsewhere. It’s so hard for people to do that and especially to see a man do it in a society that tells men they’re not allowed to express things like that feels like the healthiest display of masculinity I’ve ever seen. The two of you are really inspiring and it was very touching to watch this video and hear you guys talk about your experience. As a fellow member of the LDS church it’s heartwarming to know that news of your divorce was met with compassion, love and understanding as it should be. Thanks for sharing! ❤
This is very refreshing to me. I work as a legal assistant, primarily in divorce law. It's nice to know that the ugliness I see every day isn't the case for everyone.
Very inspired by the maturity and compassion you both have for each other, your children, your families, and even your audience. I'm sure this is still so hard, but you've handled it with grace and it's comforting to know the possibility of divorce exists where you can still collaborate, be friends, support the family you've built together, and still move forward with new life paths. Bravo you two, i wish you both the best.
Just because you get divorced doesn't mean you can't be friends. It's better in the long hall for the kids if the parents can get along thats great for them mentally and emotionally.
@@jenaiasabin I think it’s great for the kids to see their parents getting along and both being there for them but I wouldn’t say being friends is the best thing for anyone. The kids may get confused as to why their parents can’t be together if you’re still in each other’s lives and bringing new partners into the mix would be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Be friendly not friends.
Thank you for your video. I did not know you guys have transitioned to co-parenting. I have huge respect for you guys and your thoughtfulness for one another and your family throughout the process. I wish we have more culture like this in Vietnam where I am from
I haven't been married, yet. But I was dating someone I love and we recently broke up because we weren't as aligned as we initially though. Sharing common core values, wanting the same things out of life or at least things that are compatible is huge!!! Working on undoing my codependency and self-sacrificing habits have been huge in my own healing journey
This is a relatable sentiment for me as well! I’ve always self-sacrificed in my relationships, and being single after my first really serious breakup last year has been such a gift of self-discovery!
I didn't know about your divorce and I'm sorry. It takes strength and growth to take a painful experience and try to make the best of it by sharing it with others ❤
9:52 i had never heard of selflessness to the point of self betrayal in this context, but it made a lot of sense and allowed me to put into perspective a lot of situations i’ve observed around me, thank you for sharing your experiences, you don’t know how helpful it is to hear people discuss divorce with such honesty and clarity
My ex-husband and I are still best friends. I consider him my family and I still think he is one of the best humans out there. He's just not 'my' human. He and I are too different to make a marriage work but we're awesome as friends.
When my parents were married my father treated her horribly. Always verbally abusing her, cheated on her, etc. It was a horrible sight to see as a child. Even after he left he didn't do her the dignity of getting a divorce for years because he didn’t want to pay spousal support. The kindest thing he has ever done for her was finally giving up and getting a divorce from her, but only as he was getting ready to marry another woman. I hope and pray that someday I can get married and have it be healthy amd loving, but Only if I'm certain they will not hurt me the way my father harmed my mom.
I'm so sorry. Please read our community posts here on RUclips where we announced this six months ago. We've continued to work together, make videos, and be a family. We're doing well :) But it's okay to mourn and be said. I feel you.
Havent really gotten into the video yet, but as someone who is dealing with the end of a 8 year relationship, where we are working to transition from a couple to friends, this kind of thing is beautiful to see and very hopeful
My parents grew up in the same small town and were neighbors growing up. Their parents and siblings still lived in town when they divorced after 10 years of marriage. There was a lot of frustration and resentment that caused the divorce but they still respected each other and each other’s families. My dad moved in next door and they stayed friends. They said it wasn’t easy at first but they knew it would be important for their kids. They also knew it set the tone for the entire family on how to handle their divorce. Until my parents each got remarried my dad still came over for Christmas morning and he always came over for cake on our birthdays. I’m so grateful with how they handled their divorce ❤
As a 23 year old woman in her first relationship, I don’t fully understand how you know if it’s that kind of love for a relationship and marriage, or if its platonic love, maybe physical attraction and you just get along with each other well. Me and my Partner want different things in life. But I am hopeful about the idea that we can live our different dreams during the relationship. I have so many insecurities about that topic and I would be so happy hearing about different perspectives and experiences.
I'm going to be very honest with my opinion here. Speaking as a woman in my late 40s, I was engaged to be married in my early 30s and we ended up breaking it off after over 8 years together. I've had other shorter relationships since that time but have learned a very valuable lesson. No person will ever fulfill you through time. You both will continue to change over the years and you're counting on your morals, values and sense of logic staying consistent over that period of time, and hoping the same for your partner. If you want children, that is a discussion to be had since that will change the dynamics. Luckily, I have never been definite about needing to have kids so it made my situation less complicated. If I did want children, I would count on myself to raise them properly. The only one you can rely on in life is yourself. If you find love and peace within yourself first and foremost, you will be able to overcome any uncertainty that might occur in your relationship. If your partner gets fickle down the road, you will have the confidence in yourself to be able to have boundaries and make sound decisions for your own good.
British athiest here who had parents who divorced in one of the ugliest ways they could of, I wanted to say a few things. 1. Them divorcing was still one of the best things they ever did, even if they didn't do it for me. 2. It's so heartwarming and touching to see two practicing christians being able to be such progressive, educated and kind people when it comes to mental health - I was shocked to hear you are Mormon just based on all the content of you both that I've seen. I know this isn't unheard of, one of best friends is a practising christian and he is one of the most open minded, accepting people I personally know but being 100% honest, it is super rare to see. I would actually be really curious to hear more about how you both work within your faith's whilst also embracing modern day therapy practice and education.
My parents divorced because one of them realized they were gay and it was honestly the best decision they could've made for me and my sibling. They are definitely soulmates :) although working better as best friends than romantic partners. They always put us and our needs first, we've always celebrated christmas and b-days as a family although we weren't living together anymore, they were very clear and transparent to us about the whole thing... and the list goes on. Their relationship is healthy and always has been, they truly love each other, just in a different way :)
Our sympathies. We know that path! Thank you for the kind words. We're rooting for you and we're here for you. If you're keen, we've got an entire video course called "Hope After Divorce" on our membership site as a resource for you.
@@MendedLight thank you! I have been meaning to join your membership! This video was definitely helpful for me 🥰 im trying my best to remain kind to my ex. The way you two work together on this gives me hope!
So frickin' healthy. Your kids are lucky to have you both, and I'm so glad you were each able to show up for each other in a loving way through this painful growth process. It is so healing for me to see you laugh together and just - ah! Sending hugs or high-fives from Oregon! :)
I just KNEW you guys were lds!!! I am as well, and I've felt so inspired by your content. I can tell you are genuine Christian people, and you have spread so much light. May the Lord continue to bless you and your family during this often challenging estate we call mortality.
My parents were terrible together as a married couple, but made beautiful best friends. Their divorce when I was 10 was one of the best things that ever happened to our family, because it allowed us all to transition to a much healthier dynamic. I'm so proud of y'all and wish you nothing but the best!
I think the whole comment section prooves law of attraction. Everyone seems compassionate to yours vulnerable story. If I were in your place I would be worried that people won't understand, business and community would be ruined by the image of "lack of legitimacy and failure" (I saw very different reactions in similar cases). My point is, its really healing and amazing to see your growth and community that apreciates that. And also your journey shows how much power we have when it comes to building relationships and how much we don't since you sometimes just can't "make it work" and being single may be better choice for growth
So many great thoughts here! Our community is amazing. I think Alicia and my biggest contribution is our commitment to not being fake. Authenticity, vulnerability, and accountability people tend to respond very well to. These are essential for healing and thriving.
Thank you for sharing and I'm wishing you both the best on your journeys. I hope your videos can help social media couples who may feel trapped together but don't know how to have a post-marriage relationship especially when they're faces in the media as you two are.
I just told my husband that I want a divorce this last Sunday. We have been going through the initial stages of grief, more him than I, since I already knew what I wanted. Still, I can't wait to continue watching more of this series as they air. I would love to be able to come out of this with both of us having learned more about ourselves and how we can show up for our next relationships. I'm truly looking forward to seeing more of this series. You guys are wonderful. Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable when you really didn't have to. It's greatly appreciated 💙.
I’ve been through hell. If anyone told me she wants a divorce, I’d move out immediately. Then, I’d ask her what she wants and give her everything she wants and be gone. I’d lose her number right away. I’d make sure she has no chance to ever talk or see me again and then work on moving on with my life.
Wow--you weren't kidding all the times you said she was beautiful on Cinema Therapy! Stunning lady!! Thanks for offering this healthy well rounded perspective for viewers to delve into.
It’s really refreshing!! This definitely took away my fear of divorce, which I didn’t even know I had. I loved that you both did the work, and now you know for sure that it wouldn’t work. I also love how you decided to continue your relationship, adjust to a different way. Bravo!
Thank you for showing a healthy example of a healthy divorce. I can only imagine all of the pain and tough days you had in order to get where you are now. Congratulations Jono and congratulations Alicia to your new journey!
My mom got a divorce from her first husband before I was ever born. People always thought it was so strange that they stayed friends afterwards, but they just realized while they were really good friends, they were not a good married couple. It's a bit sad after watching Cinema Therapy for a long time and listening to you talk about your family so much but I'm glad y'all are staying amicable and friendly.
As someone who converted to the LDS church and has been divorced, I truly believe that God would prefer we are happy than prefer we are married. There is no reason to force yourself to stay in an unhealthy relationship of any kind. And I’d much rather my kids say “yeah my parents are divorced but they’re best friends” instead of “my parents can’t even be in the same room together.” Thank you so much for sharing! Wishing you and your family all the best!
You guy's personalities/dynamics were a carbon copy of me and my boyfriend (which is harder to find sometimes) so I have looked up to you. But, I'm glad you're doing what's right for your life! I wish you the best and I'll keep watching for sure ❤
I am sure that this isn't easy for you two, but seeing you both being so honest, mature and self-aware in all of this is such a breath of fresh air. ❤️ I am wishing you both the best from the bottom of my heart. Love your channel, and remember Jono & Alicia keep shining - we need your light too💜💙
I have so much love and respect for you both and what you do with your lives and this channel. You should feel very proud of your marriage, I don't see your divorce as a failure or a absence of integrity, but more as a mature decision and a mark of growth. You have handled the divorce with maturity and grace, setting an example for many :)
Thank you for being so transparent. I am currently going through a divorce and we are striving for the healthy post divorce relationship you have. Your openness is a real gift.
The day I got married and the day I got divorced is my saddest day vs the best feeling ever. Being co-parent and friend with my ex husband is the best thing ever, we were just never compatible in a romantic way. Now he’s about to re-marry and I’m very happy for him and I think his wife to be is great😊
It's healing understanding that divorce can be a loving act. I recently broke off a long term relationship because I knew that what I was asking of my partner was impossible for him and making do without my needs would take away my livelihood. It's really hard because neither of us were bad or lacking commitment and love, but staying together would be a sacrifice for both of us. What I struggle with is committing to a relationship, or ever getting married because I'm so afraid of losing myself while trying to make it work. I don't have faith in "forever" or "monogamy". I think asking one person to meet such a large part of our needs puts so much strain on the relationship that it makes us get nasty and selfish. How do you get out of that mindset that the end of the relationship means that the relationship was wrong to begin with.
I think it is important to understand that the person we are is not static. People change and grow over time shaped by their life experience. Sometimes that means a couple grow together and sometimes they grow apart- it’s not good or bad it’s just life and it’s ok.
As someone who has been divorced and tried to work toward having what you both have now, my heart hurts for you and is also happy that you are both mature enough to view the situation objectively while still maintaining a relationship that is civil and mutually respectful. My heart hurts despite that part because I recall the feeling of being in that place. Of friends and family insisting, if we can be that, why can't we "just work it out", having no idea how much had changed and that the things that had brought us together and kept us together just weren't present anymore. And that the decision to divorce was NOT one made lightly, so the implication in their suggestion was that we had essentially NOT tried to fix it and were just treating our vows and commitment as disposable. An undertone that, frankly, felt insulting on top of the emotional struggle i felt just from feeling like a failure and as though i WAS a liar for abandoning those vows. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage hoping it will fail. And when it does, no matter how bad things got, i think the parts that remember when things were good always ache. I'm sorry it went that way for you both. I pray you both find healing and peace, and can maintain a supporting and caring relationship even as your life paths branch to different places. 🙏
Thank you for this! This is exactly what I went through in the past few months during our divorce, and it made me feel so incredibly alone.. it really helps to hear the same experiences from someone else
I wish you both all the best as you work on this life transition together. I appreciate you sharing this with all of us because there's probably a lot of people who need to hear this, but don't be afraid to take a step back if you need to. Even with both of you working together on this, it's not going to be easy.
Y'all are allowed all of the privacy you want/need. That said, I so appreciate you sharing this with us! (And as a fellow religious person, I appreciate the response involving your church, without promoting it. well done!)
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It must be hard to dig into the pain again by talking about it. I admire you both for your self-discipline which really seems to be an important part of a friendly divorce.
I think what can be learnt for what you've said can be applied to any relationship dynamics: for example, how the dynamic works for one person being too enabling and the other being too needy. I know a lot about this (I would be the first one) and how that can be problematic in the long term and become an unhealthy relationship. In my case, this has happened in friendship. I really appreciate watching your videos and your bravery, because your first goal is always to be of help for others. You guys are remarkable.
I am so impressed with the maturity and clarity it must have taken for you both to come to this point in a healthy manner. My parents got divorced when I was a child, and the hostility and conflict of that process really impacted me and my views on relationships. I have found plenty of silver linings over the years, not least my two step-parents whom I never would have known otherwise, but I can only imagine how much better things would have been if my parents had tried to reach a healthy accord as separated co-parents instead of ignoring each other as much as possible and getting territorial when they couldn't. Well done to both of you, and best of luck with everything!
As a therapist, an issue my clients bring up to me often is feeling like they "failed". (They made a commitment in front of their families to be married until death. They did everything they could, but couldn't make the marriage work. etc). I would like your perspective on feeling like a failure.
as they mentioned in the video and someone else said here in a comment i liked very much (tanadarko6991): maybe consider reconsidering the vows/promises one has made in the first place. Is "forever" realistic considering what we now know about the psychology of our development in life as human beings? Ultimately it comes between being true to yourself and being true to a vow you took. Is that fair or healthy or good for anything..?
and sometimes in addition to all this we fail.. in many little or big ways that lead to a certain result. I think there is nothing wrong with that. It a part of life and a huge opportunity though to be made aware of what still needs work.. Both making mistakes and feeling badly about it are essential to a human beings chances to improve/develop in life. (Otherwise you're stuck or a psychopat..)
Please do not worry about talking about your faith on here! It's a big part of so many people's lives, and it's worth talking about when talking about divorce.
Yes! I second this. This video is exactly what I needed today. I don’t like conflict and people think I’m crazy when I tell them I want a divorce but I still want to be friends and coparents. Divorce really doesn’t have to be messy especially if you are coming from a healed place.
Maybe there already is a video out there where Alisha explains more about how she learned to draw these boundaries, because that would interest me: how to tell apart doing helping acts out of love and when it just becomes self-sacrificial and self-sabotaging - and how to relearn a healthy narrative around "no, you're not a horrible being just because you refuse to go over your personal limit" Also: clearly the fitness program is working out (ba dum tss) for Jono, huh
You’ve kinda danced around this topic a lot but I’d like to know how one balances healthy sacrifice/service for the other person (in any relationship really) and setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, and avoiding burnout? How do you pick your battles?
I can see how professional You both are, how gracefully You're speaking about the topic, almost academically analyzing all the feelings, but I can hear a lot of hurt. I'm not married. Being a wife means a lot for me, maybe too much. I understand why couples get a divorce to protect themselves, how it can be healthy, I've seen it in my family. On the other hand, just imagine starting a family with your special person and living happy, safe life, knowing that they would never leave you, for any reason. Just like a parent, sibling, kid. (Unless it's something extreme, of course.) Much can happen, but You are always a family.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My parents are getting a divorce soon.. I am devastated, but I just want them to be happy. They had a very unhealthy relationship and their divorce is messy. But seeing the way you guys have handled such a difficult situation with so much respect for one another is really inspiring and, for me, comforting. Thank you again, and sending you love and support.
The UK loves you three 🥺 thank you for being brave enough to share your story, we need to normalise divorce being the best outcome for some people/ marriages I'm so happy your church have been supportive on all fronts. I'm currently divorcing my abusive husband and attending the same church as I always have done (from even before I met my first husband) and the reaction of Christian people who I thought were close friends has been astonishing in a bad way
I just like that in our society today we can break through some of the stereotypical templates for relationships and be given an example of something else that still works and can be healthy and good. Thanks for modeling that and being open.
Really great video. It's way better to have a healthy breakup than stay in a marriage that isn't right for both of you. Thank you for sharing your journey so that other people can know that a healthy divorce is possible.
I love this. As a child of divorce whose parents remarried and had my brother when in actuality they should of stayed divorced, it gave me a skewed view of relationships which was only unpicked tecently in my 40's.
I haven’t watched the video yet, and I have never been married but I want to share that I have been in one romantic relationship for a year and 10 days before breaking up with my now ex. 8 months later we are still close friends even though it was really hard at first. We still love each other even though a romantic relationship isn’t in the cards for us at this time, and possibly not at all.
My divorce was messy, and painful.... but my ex- partner and I made "the work". We took therapy (each one at his own time and with different therapists) and now we are best friends and co-parents, and we are happy in this way. Something that I never thought could happen (I thought my relationship after the divorce was going to be always a pain), it happens a couple of months ago where I was attending to my ex's wedding with my partner, and I fell so happy that I was there for my friend. I'm happy that we work to find that point where we have finally a healthy relationship without been married.
My ex and I were both LDS and when we divorced. He was met with open arms and I kept getting the judge-y looks. They even welcomed his mistress. I'm glad your community was more open minded than mine was. Also, my current husband and his ex are still friends and it took me years to understand it considering the dumpster fire my divorce was. Now that I get it I'm happy they have that. Good luck on your journey ❤
Im so happy you two are getting a divorce and Jono i hope you continues to do videos because you are a warm and loving person and have helped me relate and know myself better. I wish you both well, but the incompatibility was obvious. So i pray for peace for you both. ❤
Thank you for talking about this. The first couple I ever met that divorced were best friends and did all the family things together. He even stepped up to take care of her in the end when she came down with cancer for the last time . This was in the 70's/80's
Haven't kept up to date on the videos but a few months ago I could see this in how you to communicated and said you guys do what's best for you. I'm not surprised you both chose divorce. I just wanted to say you both look better especially YOU. Before you wouldn't make much eye contact with your ex and would look to be zoning out when she commented. Whatever therapy or discussions you have had off camera you look much better mentally. My parents would fight verbally and slam doors for years until finally they divorced. I really think divorcing quicker would have been much more clean and healthy. I can see you'll are in a better place now. What ever happens with the channel is fine as long as you both are doing well. If you keep making videos together fine....if it's only one that's fine also....if the channel is done that's also fine. I want y'all to be the best you can for your kids. You look much better in this video together then a few months ago. Take care and God bless!
This feels very similar to my marriage and divorce experience. Although we were not able to change the dynamics that we identified within the marriage, we did so much therapy and talked so much. We loved each other then and still do now. But we concluded that we were not compatible and that lack of compatibility was hurting both of us. Separated for two years, we still own property together and offer each other support through our friendship, but we live separate lives and that is really working for us. Divorce isn’t necessarily giving up, sometimes it’s just letting go.
I know this is an incredibly mature decision on the part of both of you, but this still did make me sad as I’ve followed you guys for a while and have unhealthily divorced parents myself, but upon reflection it’s awesome you were able to come to this decision on mutually beneficial terms
Gah.. ngl i felt like my parents just sar me down and told me.. but honestly love and support to you both. I divorced my first husband of almost 10 years and we are best friends.. im always sending your videos to him as a form of free therapy! Its helped us i feel grow closer as co parents and having new perspectives besides the old ways our parents were taught. Lots of people didnt understand our level of co parenting cause we just didnt hate eachother... we chose our love for our kid and make all three of us work hard for all the babies. LOVE YALL. ❤
thank you so much for speaking up, i applaud you for continuously working on having as healthy of a relationship as you can. i know a couple who, arguably, has lost all their integrity, not because they got divorced, but rather because they didn’t, and there is so much hurt that could have been avoided if they had had your maturity and awareness
This is such a great conversation. I truly appreciate the amount of respect you both have brought to this conversation. You both seem like fantastic individuals, and having to leave your marriage is not a bad thing. You did what was healthy for you, and I think that's obvious.
You talked about how you did the work and realized that it wasn’t a marriage but a different type of relationship that it led to. What did that look like for you both? I don’t want to pry into the specifics, but when you achieved a healthy dynamic, what were the differences that caused it to be more of a friendship and partnership instead of a marriage?
It's so great to be friends! You've demonstrated how to work together amid a breakup. On the flipside--I'd love to hear how you are growing now that you are apart. How are you able to create new boundaries that are different from a couple? How will you navigate the friendship and allow space for any potential new relationships?
How does she look happier while he seems and is visibly acting different. I love you Johno. I pray you find the resolve and support to move forward and away from this toxic BS.
Question: how can a divorced couple stay friendly and continue to collaborate without confusing young children or giving the children false hope of getting back together?
Communication. When my ex-husband and I were in the process of separating, I had a lot of conversations with my oldest child about what was happening and a surface level of why. Now, that he and I are both dating separate people, I still have conversations with my oldest to make sure that he is comfortable with both relationships and to address any potential issues with that.
It's not super hard as long as you're honest with the kids. "Mom and Dad don't want to be married anymore but we always want to be friends and be your Mom-and-Dad'. Then, if one or the other begins to date again, the ex-partner says things like 'I'm glad mom/dad is dating! I hope they meet somebody awesome and that their new person loves you just as much as we do!'.
I have to reiterate that I admire you guys so much for your wisdom, compassion and maturity in this relationship. I personally do believe that friendship after a breakup or divorce is adulting goals with a capital A. I do think that two mature and good people can make it work since I've seen other people do it. I wish you good luck on both your separate journeys as well as co-parents. New adventures await!
I can’t relate more. I watched your relationship playlist yrs ago and did the brutal work in my relationship. HOURS of self reflection, couples therapy, humility and courage. al At the end, we realized our love at best and most authentic was-familial. Now I am teary watching this video. I am getting married next month to the partner of my dreams and my ex, and his incredible partner are coming to the wedding. We are all friends and there is no undress pain. Only love and support for everyone fulfilling their purpose. Proud of y’all🫶🏾❤️🔥
Thank you for sharing your insights and being vulnerable with us. I know that accountability and honesty are huge values for you, and in sharing your journey it feels like you're modeling that for us, by being authentic and genuine in sharing your struggles. I think it's so important to share and show that everyone is on this journey, and that there is no one perfect answer or path, but a series of choices and decisions that shape us each and every day. It sounds like you've both reached a place to have a healthy relationship with each other, and isn't that the goal? It doesn't matter what the labels are for that relationship as long as it's one that works for both of you; that is, going from marriage to friends is not a loss, if in that transition you've gained a happier, healthier dynamic that allows you to best honor and love each other.
I always remember watching the ending of "Mrs Doubtfire", and being moved by the closing message of your parents always loving you, but simply wanting different things in life, or no longer wish to be together. Sometimes, it really is the best solution for everyone involved, and they rarely get back together in real life, contrary to what "The Parent Trap" would have you believe.
I LOVE the ending of Mrs. Doubtfire.
100%. What An amazing movie
@@MendedLight Agreed. I'm *_so_* glad that Robin Williams and Sally Field insisted that the Hilliards should not get back together at the end, contrary to what the script originally called for.
I recently rewatched this film and felt represented. I recently got divorced after years of internal struggle because I realized that we had become just friends. I only regret having delayed the decision to separate for a long time, keeping both of us trapped in that incomplete model.
This was very eye-opening, I've never seen anyone get divorced in such a healthy way and with so much love and respect for the other partner. Thank you for sharing
You're very welcome, and thank you for saying so!
When Alicia spoke about self betrayal, that resonated with me. I am working on that, too. Something I tell myself sometimes is, "Well, the good thing about me being the problem is I'm also the solution."
That's deep. I love it.
this is wonderful
Exactly!
I always said, "I'd rather be the one that's wrong than someone else be wrong because at least I know that I will change, where there's no guarantee others will."
My grandparents realized they were better as friends than spouses, and they divorced amicably and remained co-parents. They divorced before any of the grand kids were born, and it is truly one of the greatest gifts they gave to our family. Their ability to laugh together and remain deep friends meant that they were able to attend all family functions together with joy, and it showed all of us how relationships could evolve. Seeing their divorce helped me never fear divorce. and I am so thankful for their influence in our lives in that way. They both remarried and their spouses had similar divorces previously, so it was great to have such an open and honest blended extended family. Your experience sounds very similar to theirs and it is wonderful to see another great example of an evolving relationship.
Your grandparents sound awesome! ❤
That’s so rare. I’m glad you had that experience
You guys are so freaking brave. I divorced my husband because he became addicted to drugs and gave up trying. He decided he'd rather get divorced than go to rehab. Divorce turned out to be the rock bottom he needed to move forward - and now he's sober in another state with a large sobriety network of old friends and family. We are still friendly, there is still love and respect, and this absolutely baffles people. I was definitely treated as if I failed somehow, because if he's not a monster I guess I gave up easily. And I did NOT. He was dangerous to both of us.
But I also think it's healthy to leave before you hate the person.
My parents have also gone through divorce so my vows were carefully worded. It's a foolish act of immaturity and naivete to make bold promises of "forever" because life is both short but also very long.
I am proud of you leaving.
My parents had the same thing. (My dad is an alcoholic.) I had wished for the divorse of my parents for years. I had lived years on my own, when they finally divorsed. I was already desperate as I saw my mum and youngest brother suffering, when living with him. I started to wish he was not alive. 😭 Yes, I agree. Horrible thought, but I have forgiven myself. I did not see any other way out as my mum was not divorsing him even if situation had been horrible for years and years.
Luckily, finally my mum divorsed him about 10 years ago. It took him about a year after that that he finally reached the bottom. Now he has been sober for about 9 years. Both are in loving relationships with partners, who is much better fit with their current selfs. 🥰 My parents are in friendly terms with each other. I have easy time inviting them to same party if I want. Even when they were not in super good terms, they always put us kids first. Never did they show us messy parts of their divorse. Only years later, my mum shared tiny part, where SHE had been acting not nicely during divorse.
I love them both. I see them both when I have time. Divorse of my parents was best thing that could happend to them (and us kids). If they had not divorsed, I don't think my dad would be alive (he would have drinked himself dead) and my mum would have much harder time getting back to her feet. And it might be that my relationship with them would have gone bad if they had not divorsed.
@@emmi3785 What a great example! Yes, divorce does not have to mean failure, either. Relationships can end, and they can also change and evolve. I'm so glad it worked well for your parents and your dad got to become the parent you always deserved, even if it was very late!
@@tanadarko6991 😭 Thank you for your kind words! Means a lot! 🥰
"I also think it's healthy to leave before you hate the person." Before my now-ex wife and split a little over two years ago, I could sense (or I imagined; I don't mean to speak for her) that she was coming to despise me, but I didn't really know how to change that trend. When she decided to leave, it absolutely gutted me, but despite that, I'm *_SO_* glad that she left before she reached that point. As hard as it was for me (and still is, honestly), it would be 10x harder if we were no longer friends and she hated me now.
@@derekfnord My parents hated each other and when they got divorced it was so hard on me and my brother. And themselves. It's better to leave with love, even though it's totally devastating. I spent 5 years mourning the end of my marriage - it was so hard, maybe in part because there's still love there. But I don't regret my decision
My parents divorced and they were best friends until the day he died. They loved each other and they loved us. This was such a great way to grow up
As someone who is potentially getting married in the near future, it's challenging to see individuals who I perceive as emotionally healthy and mature decide to get a divorce. The gut feeling I get is "if they can't do it, what hope do I have?" This isn't meant as criticism, but just honest reflection. I appreciate the video, thanks :)
I think that that sentiment is understandable. I think that maybe remember that all humans are different can help You with that sentiment.
Even Jono and Alicia were different when they married. They married without previuos doing all the work in themselves, with all the hurt and false forms of thinking that make the Two of them have difficulties in their relationships, with theirs way of living and with themselves included. You only can see now the Jono and Alicia after and still doing the work to heal the hurts, think different and being better in their relationships. And for that they are people that could make a divorce without broke their family, their friendship and their business and that, to me, have a Lot of merit and speak about their great progress.
So, the point of all that is: try to not be afraid for your posible future married by Working in yourself right now. That is the Best thing You can do for that posible partneship.
Pd. I'm a costarican, so sorry if my English was off.
If it helps, I can offer one small nugget of wisdom to put your concerns at ease.
"Divorce" is not necessarily the "failure" to make a marriage work.
It can be that, most certainly.
But sometimes it is merely the emotional maturity to objectively look at who you both have grown into and say "this doesn't benefit anyone involved anymore and continuing on is either being selfish, or playing pretend."
Both of which eventually lead to resentment.
It's going to sound weird, but the best advice I can offer is to view marriage as a sort of business merger.
Bear with me.
You MUST be objective going into it as to whether or not your visions for the future are the same and that the path you're about to travel are going the same direction.
That doesn't mean being identical in every way. But it typically DOES mean having similar life goals, an understanding and respect for eachothers values and similar enough values to not step on eachother's toes constantly, and the understanding of both your partner's needs as well as your OWN and the ability to communicate those things.
Unspoken expectations are just premeditated resentments.
But eventually you also have to be able to look at what you've built together and assess whether or not you are both growing in the same direction.
And if not, then you have to assess if it's manageable, tolerable, or destructive.
Seeing that a marriage has become destructive and admitting, this isn't working and it probably CAN'T work, is not a sign of failure. Just that things changed and who you both became is not as healthy together as who you both were. And that happens.
So try and make sure you're always growing together and don't do things that will cause regret.
I wish you luck in your marriage. I hope you found your forever person. 🥰🙏
This. I know I've historically not been a great partner in past relationships. I did a lot of work on myself and now I'm in a really great relationship. We plan to get married. But I've seen so many marriages dissolve and change for the worse. I'm honestly really terrified about how I could potentially get hurt if this relationship doesn't work. Which is a me issue to fix, I guess.... I like what was said right there, how "divorce isn't failure of marriage"... but a redirecting of two people. I do my best to be as honest and forward and real about my thoughts and feelings and unhappinesses when they come, with all my people. I've worked really hard to get to that. I don't know. I'm happy they aren't giving up on each other. That's really great. But I guess I just need to know that a good happy, emotionally stable and caring, marriage can exist.
Incompatibility plays a massive role imo.
People need to have compatible set of needs. Especially if those needs are something that can’t be outsourced to friends to meet. Such as incompatible sex drives. Or if one persons life goal is to live on the road and the other person is a homebody and neither enjoys connecting over the phone, it just can’t work.
A couple can do everything they possibly can, and still realize the best option is divorce. That’s just reality.
Thanks for sharing your story, Jonathan and Alicia. Divorces are difficult for everyone involved, but as long as the children know that both of their parents love them, but need to be apart, then it gets easier.
You are welcome and SO true!
Lots of people in the comments saying they are so sad about your divorce so I’m going to counter that and say I’m so happy for you on your successful and healthy divorce!🎉 (Just to add that’s not a criticism of people feeling sad about it, their feelings are valid too)
Thank you!
I'm right in the middle. I'm so happy they're having a healthy divorce, but I would be lying if I said it didn't make me sad that it didn't work out as a marriage.
@@SailorCetra this is where i fall im sad to hear it and i think maybe things can be worked through if so amicable and so much love still there but i also realize not everyone is meant to be together. im glad they are both choosing a healthy path not only for themselves but for all the kids as well.
My late sister, who was not typically a source of wisdom, used to say, “It’s better to be from a broken home than in a broken home.” That isn’t to say every couple who parts has truly broken their home, but the truth of the sentiment remains.
I almost cried when you started talking about how you recognized attributes that you brought to the marriage that led to broken trust and spoke about it in a way that wasn’t resentful or trying to place blame elsewhere. It’s so hard for people to do that and especially to see a man do it in a society that tells men they’re not allowed to express things like that feels like the healthiest display of masculinity I’ve ever seen. The two of you are really inspiring and it was very touching to watch this video and hear you guys talk about your experience. As a fellow member of the LDS church it’s heartwarming to know that news of your divorce was met with compassion, love and understanding as it should be. Thanks for sharing! ❤
You are very welcome! Thank you for seeing that and for voicing it.
As a fan and a nosy person, I’m so glad you released this! It’s so rare to see an amicable divorce, thank you so much for sharing.
You're very welcome.
This is very refreshing to me. I work as a legal assistant, primarily in divorce law. It's nice to know that the ugliness I see every day isn't the case for everyone.
Very inspired by the maturity and compassion you both have for each other, your children, your families, and even your audience. I'm sure this is still so hard, but you've handled it with grace and it's comforting to know the possibility of divorce exists where you can still collaborate, be friends, support the family you've built together, and still move forward with new life paths. Bravo you two, i wish you both the best.
Well, now I'm crying! Thank you. - Jonathan
Big hugs, Jono! @@MendedLight
Just because you get divorced doesn't mean you can't be friends. It's better in the long hall for the kids if the parents can get along thats great for them mentally and emotionally.
100% agree.
You wouldn’t be able to move on being friends with them.
long haul*
@@mega408It depends. Some people can't but it's up to the people splitting up.
@@jenaiasabin I think it’s great for the kids to see their parents getting along and both being there for them but I wouldn’t say being friends is the best thing for anyone. The kids may get confused as to why their parents can’t be together if you’re still in each other’s lives and bringing new partners into the mix would be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Be friendly not friends.
When I say I'm looking for my soulmate I really mean my very best friend.
So beautiful.
Thank you for your video. I did not know you guys have transitioned to co-parenting. I have huge respect for you guys and your thoughtfulness for one another and your family throughout the process. I wish we have more culture like this in Vietnam where I am from
Thank you for this! Where in Vietnam are you from? We spent time in Ho Chi Minh City, Da Nang, and Hoi Ann.
I haven't been married, yet. But I was dating someone I love and we recently broke up because we weren't as aligned as we initially though. Sharing common core values, wanting the same things out of life or at least things that are compatible is huge!!! Working on undoing my codependency and self-sacrificing habits have been huge in my own healing journey
So true! Thank you for sharing this!
This is a relatable sentiment for me as well! I’ve always self-sacrificed in my relationships, and being single after my first really serious breakup last year has been such a gift of self-discovery!
Also going through a breakup and just trying to be kind to myself ❤ hang in there
"Keep shining, we need your light." Thank you for that.❤
Ditto. Every time they say that, it warms my heart.
Like, I know they're not talking to specifically me directly, but still...
I didn't know about your divorce and I'm sorry. It takes strength and growth to take a painful experience and try to make the best of it by sharing it with others ❤
Thank you!
9:52 i had never heard of selflessness to the point of self betrayal in this context, but it made a lot of sense and allowed me to put into perspective a lot of situations i’ve observed around me, thank you for sharing your experiences, you don’t know how helpful it is to hear people discuss divorce with such honesty and clarity
My ex-husband and I are still best friends. I consider him my family and I still think he is one of the best humans out there. He's just not 'my' human. He and I are too different to make a marriage work but we're awesome as friends.
When my parents were married my father treated her horribly. Always verbally abusing her, cheated on her, etc. It was a horrible sight to see as a child. Even after he left he didn't do her the dignity of getting a divorce for years because he didn’t want to pay spousal support. The kindest thing he has ever done for her was finally giving up and getting a divorce from her, but only as he was getting ready to marry another woman. I hope and pray that someday I can get married and have it be healthy amd loving, but Only if I'm certain they will not hurt me the way my father harmed my mom.
I didn't know and i'm honestly kinda heartbroken.
I'm so sorry. Please read our community posts here on RUclips where we announced this six months ago. We've continued to work together, make videos, and be a family. We're doing well :) But it's okay to mourn and be said. I feel you.
Havent really gotten into the video yet, but as someone who is dealing with the end of a 8 year relationship, where we are working to transition from a couple to friends, this kind of thing is beautiful to see and very hopeful
Speaks to the maturity with which it's approached. Wish you all the best to each of you on your personal journey and as co-parents.
Thank you!
My parents grew up in the same small town and were neighbors growing up. Their parents and siblings still lived in town when they divorced after 10 years of marriage. There was a lot of frustration and resentment that caused the divorce but they still respected each other and each other’s families. My dad moved in next door and they stayed friends. They said it wasn’t easy at first but they knew it would be important for their kids. They also knew it set the tone for the entire family on how to handle their divorce. Until my parents each got remarried my dad still came over for Christmas morning and he always came over for cake on our birthdays. I’m so grateful with how they handled their divorce ❤
As a 23 year old woman in her first relationship, I don’t fully understand how you know if it’s that kind of love for a relationship and marriage, or if its platonic love, maybe physical attraction and you just get along with each other well. Me and my Partner want different things in life. But I am hopeful about the idea that we can live our different dreams during the relationship. I have so many insecurities about that topic and I would be so happy hearing about different perspectives and experiences.
I'm going to be very honest with my opinion here. Speaking as a woman in my late 40s, I was engaged to be married in my early 30s and we ended up breaking it off after over 8 years together. I've had other shorter relationships since that time but have learned a very valuable lesson. No person will ever fulfill you through time. You both will continue to change over the years and you're counting on your morals, values and sense of logic staying consistent over that period of time, and hoping the same for your partner. If you want children, that is a discussion to be had since that will change the dynamics.
Luckily, I have never been definite about needing to have kids so it made my situation less complicated. If I did want children, I would count on myself to raise them properly. The only one you can rely on in life is yourself.
If you find love and peace within yourself first and foremost, you will be able to overcome any uncertainty that might occur in your relationship. If your partner gets fickle down the road, you will have the confidence in yourself to be able to have boundaries and make sound decisions for your own good.
I am so sad you are divorcing, and I respect your decision to choose what is healthiest for both of you. Thank you for sharing.
British athiest here who had parents who divorced in one of the ugliest ways they could of, I wanted to say a few things.
1. Them divorcing was still one of the best things they ever did, even if they didn't do it for me.
2. It's so heartwarming and touching to see two practicing christians being able to be such progressive, educated and kind people when it comes to mental health - I was shocked to hear you are Mormon just based on all the content of you both that I've seen. I know this isn't unheard of, one of best friends is a practising christian and he is one of the most open minded, accepting people I personally know but being 100% honest, it is super rare to see. I would actually be really curious to hear more about how you both work within your faith's whilst also embracing modern day therapy practice and education.
My parents divorced because one of them realized they were gay and it was honestly the best decision they could've made for me and my sibling. They are definitely soulmates :) although working better as best friends than romantic partners. They always put us and our needs first, we've always celebrated christmas and b-days as a family although we weren't living together anymore, they were very clear and transparent to us about the whole thing... and the list goes on. Their relationship is healthy and always has been, they truly love each other, just in a different way :)
I'm currently going through a divorce. I hope this is helpful advice! Love your channel!!!
Our sympathies. We know that path! Thank you for the kind words. We're rooting for you and we're here for you. If you're keen, we've got an entire video course called "Hope After Divorce" on our membership site as a resource for you.
@@MendedLight thank you! I have been meaning to join your membership! This video was definitely helpful for me 🥰 im trying my best to remain kind to my ex. The way you two work together on this gives me hope!
So frickin' healthy. Your kids are lucky to have you both, and I'm so glad you were each able to show up for each other in a loving way through this painful growth process. It is so healing for me to see you laugh together and just - ah! Sending hugs or high-fives from Oregon! :)
I just KNEW you guys were lds!!! I am as well, and I've felt so inspired by your content. I can tell you are genuine Christian people, and you have spread so much light. May the Lord continue to bless you and your family during this often challenging estate we call mortality.
My parents were terrible together as a married couple, but made beautiful best friends. Their divorce when I was 10 was one of the best things that ever happened to our family, because it allowed us all to transition to a much healthier dynamic. I'm so proud of y'all and wish you nothing but the best!
I think the whole comment section prooves law of attraction. Everyone seems compassionate to yours vulnerable story. If I were in your place I would be worried that people won't understand, business and community would be ruined by the image of "lack of legitimacy and failure" (I saw very different reactions in similar cases). My point is, its really healing and amazing to see your growth and community that apreciates that. And also your journey shows how much power we have when it comes to building relationships and how much we don't since you sometimes just can't "make it work" and being single may be better choice for growth
So many great thoughts here! Our community is amazing. I think Alicia and my biggest contribution is our commitment to not being fake. Authenticity, vulnerability, and accountability people tend to respond very well to. These are essential for healing and thriving.
Thank you for sharing and I'm wishing you both the best on your journeys. I hope your videos can help social media couples who may feel trapped together but don't know how to have a post-marriage relationship especially when they're faces in the media as you two are.
I hope so too! Thank you for the kind words :)
I just told my husband that I want a divorce this last Sunday. We have been going through the initial stages of grief, more him than I, since I already knew what I wanted. Still, I can't wait to continue watching more of this series as they air. I would love to be able to come out of this with both of us having learned more about ourselves and how we can show up for our next relationships. I'm truly looking forward to seeing more of this series.
You guys are wonderful. Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable when you really didn't have to. It's greatly appreciated 💙.
I’ve been through hell. If anyone told me she wants a divorce, I’d move out immediately. Then, I’d ask her what she wants and give her everything she wants and be gone.
I’d lose her number right away. I’d make sure she has no chance to ever talk or see me again and then work on moving on with my life.
@@mega408it's different if you have children. Hopefully.
"She left us!" 😂 Jono simply cannot stop Cinema Therapy-ing hahaha ❤
Listen... fair.
Sooo good when people can transform into friends and keep the friendship. It doesn´t have to be all or nothing.
Wow--you weren't kidding all the times you said she was beautiful on Cinema Therapy! Stunning lady!!
Thanks for offering this healthy well rounded perspective for viewers to delve into.
It’s really refreshing!! This definitely took away my fear of divorce, which I didn’t even know I had. I loved that you both did the work, and now you know for sure that it wouldn’t work. I also love how you decided to continue your relationship, adjust to a different way. Bravo!
Thank you for showing a healthy example of a healthy divorce. I can only imagine all of the pain and tough days you had in order to get where you are now. Congratulations Jono and congratulations Alicia to your new journey!
My mom got a divorce from her first husband before I was ever born. People always thought it was so strange that they stayed friends afterwards, but they just realized while they were really good friends, they were not a good married couple. It's a bit sad after watching Cinema Therapy for a long time and listening to you talk about your family so much but I'm glad y'all are staying amicable and friendly.
As someone who converted to the LDS church and has been divorced, I truly believe that God would prefer we are happy than prefer we are married. There is no reason to force yourself to stay in an unhealthy relationship of any kind. And I’d much rather my kids say “yeah my parents are divorced but they’re best friends” instead of “my parents can’t even be in the same room together.”
Thank you so much for sharing! Wishing you and your family all the best!
You guy's personalities/dynamics were a carbon copy of me and my boyfriend (which is harder to find sometimes) so I have looked up to you. But, I'm glad you're doing what's right for your life! I wish you the best and I'll keep watching for sure ❤
I am sure that this isn't easy for you two, but seeing you both being so honest, mature and self-aware in all of this is such a breath of fresh air. ❤️ I am wishing you both the best from the bottom of my heart. Love your channel, and remember Jono & Alicia keep shining - we need your light too💜💙
Thank you so much!
I have so much love and respect for you both and what you do with your lives and this channel. You should feel very proud of your marriage, I don't see your divorce as a failure or a absence of integrity, but more as a mature decision and a mark of growth. You have handled the divorce with maturity and grace, setting an example for many :)
I have so much respect for you guys. There is so much hate and misunderstanding in the world right now, this is just what we need xx
Thank you for being so transparent. I am currently going through a divorce and we are striving for the healthy post divorce relationship you have. Your openness is a real gift.
Thank you!
I have so much love and respect for both of you. I hope you can keep growing individually and supporting eachother. ❤
The day I got married and the day I got divorced is my saddest day vs the best feeling ever. Being co-parent and friend with my ex husband is the best thing ever, we were just never compatible in a romantic way. Now he’s about to re-marry and I’m very happy for him and I think his wife to be is great😊
It's healing understanding that divorce can be a loving act. I recently broke off a long term relationship because I knew that what I was asking of my partner was impossible for him and making do without my needs would take away my livelihood. It's really hard because neither of us were bad or lacking commitment and love, but staying together would be a sacrifice for both of us.
What I struggle with is committing to a relationship, or ever getting married because I'm so afraid of losing myself while trying to make it work. I don't have faith in "forever" or "monogamy". I think asking one person to meet such a large part of our needs puts so much strain on the relationship that it makes us get nasty and selfish. How do you get out of that mindset that the end of the relationship means that the relationship was wrong to begin with.
I think it is important to understand that the person we are is not static. People change and grow over time shaped by their life experience. Sometimes that means a couple grow together and sometimes they grow apart- it’s not good or bad it’s just life and it’s ok.
As someone who has been divorced and tried to work toward having what you both have now, my heart hurts for you and is also happy that you are both mature enough to view the situation objectively while still maintaining a relationship that is civil and mutually respectful.
My heart hurts despite that part because I recall the feeling of being in that place. Of friends and family insisting, if we can be that, why can't we "just work it out", having no idea how much had changed and that the things that had brought us together and kept us together just weren't present anymore.
And that the decision to divorce was NOT one made lightly, so the implication in their suggestion was that we had essentially NOT tried to fix it and were just treating our vows and commitment as disposable.
An undertone that, frankly, felt insulting on top of the emotional struggle i felt just from feeling like a failure and as though i WAS a liar for abandoning those vows.
I don't think anyone goes into a marriage hoping it will fail. And when it does, no matter how bad things got, i think the parts that remember when things were good always ache.
I'm sorry it went that way for you both. I pray you both find healing and peace, and can maintain a supporting and caring relationship even as your life paths branch to different places. 🙏
Thank you for this. You get it. A lot of hard-won experience and wisdom there.
Thank you for this! This is exactly what I went through in the past few months during our divorce, and it made me feel so incredibly alone.. it really helps to hear the same experiences from someone else
I wish you both all the best as you work on this life transition together. I appreciate you sharing this with all of us because there's probably a lot of people who need to hear this, but don't be afraid to take a step back if you need to. Even with both of you working together on this, it's not going to be easy.
Y'all are allowed all of the privacy you want/need. That said, I so appreciate you sharing this with us! (And as a fellow religious person, I appreciate the response involving your church, without promoting it. well done!)
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It must be hard to dig into the pain again by talking about it. I admire you both for your self-discipline which really seems to be an important part of a friendly divorce.
You are welcome and yes, it really is :)
I think what can be learnt for what you've said can be applied to any relationship dynamics: for example, how the dynamic works for one person being too enabling and the other being too needy. I know a lot about this (I would be the first one) and how that can be problematic in the long term and become an unhealthy relationship. In my case, this has happened in friendship. I really appreciate watching your videos and your bravery, because your first goal is always to be of help for others. You guys are remarkable.
I am so impressed with the maturity and clarity it must have taken for you both to come to this point in a healthy manner. My parents got divorced when I was a child, and the hostility and conflict of that process really impacted me and my views on relationships. I have found plenty of silver linings over the years, not least my two step-parents whom I never would have known otherwise, but I can only imagine how much better things would have been if my parents had tried to reach a healthy accord as separated co-parents instead of ignoring each other as much as possible and getting territorial when they couldn't. Well done to both of you, and best of luck with everything!
As a therapist, an issue my clients bring up to me often is feeling like they "failed". (They made a commitment in front of their families to be married until death. They did everything they could, but couldn't make the marriage work. etc). I would like your perspective on feeling like a failure.
as they mentioned in the video and someone else said here in a comment i liked very much (tanadarko6991): maybe consider reconsidering the vows/promises one has made in the first place. Is "forever" realistic considering what we now know about the psychology of our development in life as human beings?
Ultimately it comes between being true to yourself and being true to a vow you took. Is that fair or healthy or good for anything..?
and sometimes in addition to all this we fail.. in many little or big ways that lead to a certain result. I think there is nothing wrong with that. It a part of life and a huge opportunity though to be made aware of what still needs work..
Both making mistakes and feeling badly about it are essential to a human beings chances to improve/develop in life.
(Otherwise you're stuck or a psychopat..)
Please do not worry about talking about your faith on here! It's a big part of so many people's lives, and it's worth talking about when talking about divorce.
I say this with my entire chest: y’all are amazing
Thank you!
Yes! I second this.
This video is exactly what I needed today. I don’t like conflict and people think I’m crazy when I tell them I want a divorce but I still want to be friends and coparents. Divorce really doesn’t have to be messy especially if you are coming from a healed place.
So I didnt think I needed this, but I feel some closure, cause your relationship was core to this channel
Still is, I dare say. It's just a different relationship :)
True that. Thanks for being open to have this conversations ❤ @@MendedLight
😊 I am a LDS too, now I know why I like your vibe.
two amazing people being amazing and just not being married ❤ and working together to create a better dynamic too!
Maybe there already is a video out there where Alisha explains more about how she learned to draw these boundaries, because that would interest me: how to tell apart doing helping acts out of love and when it just becomes self-sacrificial and self-sabotaging - and how to relearn a healthy narrative around "no, you're not a horrible being just because you refuse to go over your personal limit"
Also: clearly the fitness program is working out (ba dum tss) for Jono, huh
You’ve kinda danced around this topic a lot but I’d like to know how one balances healthy sacrifice/service for the other person (in any relationship really) and setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, and avoiding burnout? How do you pick your battles?
I can see how professional You both are, how gracefully You're speaking about the topic, almost academically analyzing all the feelings, but I can hear a lot of hurt. I'm not married. Being a wife means a lot for me, maybe too much. I understand why couples get a divorce to protect themselves, how it can be healthy, I've seen it in my family. On the other hand, just imagine starting a family with your special person and living happy, safe life, knowing that they would never leave you, for any reason. Just like a parent, sibling, kid. (Unless it's something extreme, of course.) Much can happen, but You are always a family.
Thank you! You guys are so generous in sharing with us.
You are very welcome. Thank you for the kind words!
FINALLLLYYY!!!!! I have waited for this for AGEEEEES! thank you!!!!!! Lot of people will be able to learn from this!!!
Thank you for your patience with the wait. We wanted to take our time and look after ourselves and our family first, before pivoting to this.
@MendedLight Fully understood, and please know, I didn't mean this as complaint ❤️ I love you both!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My parents are getting a divorce soon.. I am devastated, but I just want them to be happy. They had a very unhealthy relationship and their divorce is messy. But seeing the way you guys have handled such a difficult situation with so much respect for one another is really inspiring and, for me, comforting. Thank you again, and sending you love and support.
The UK loves you three 🥺 thank you for being brave enough to share your story, we need to normalise divorce being the best outcome for some people/ marriages
I'm so happy your church have been supportive on all fronts. I'm currently divorcing my abusive husband and attending the same church as I always have done (from even before I met my first husband) and the reaction of Christian people who I thought were close friends has been astonishing in a bad way
I'm so sorry this has been your experience :( I hope you have spiritual peace in your decision, regardless of what others may say!
I just like that in our society today we can break through some of the stereotypical templates for relationships and be given an example of something else that still works and can be healthy and good. Thanks for modeling that and being open.
Really great video. It's way better to have a healthy breakup than stay in a marriage that isn't right for both of you. Thank you for sharing your journey so that other people can know that a healthy divorce is possible.
I love this. As a child of divorce whose parents remarried and had my brother when in actuality they should of stayed divorced, it gave me a skewed view of relationships which was only unpicked tecently in my 40's.
I haven’t watched the video yet, and I have never been married but I want to share that I have been in one romantic relationship for a year and 10 days before breaking up with my now ex. 8 months later we are still close friends even though it was really hard at first. We still love each other even though a romantic relationship isn’t in the cards for us at this time, and possibly not at all.
Thank you for sharing this. It is truly beautiful :)
I am and always have been single. But I still appreciate this so much.
Thank you!
Love you guys. Grateful for your healthy relationship model: as a married couple, friends, and post-married couple. ❤️
I think this is beautiful, the connection and the respect shows
My divorce was messy, and painful.... but my ex- partner and I made "the work". We took therapy (each one at his own time and with different therapists) and now we are best friends and co-parents, and we are happy in this way. Something that I never thought could happen (I thought my relationship after the divorce was going to be always a pain), it happens a couple of months ago where I was attending to my ex's wedding with my partner, and I fell so happy that I was there for my friend. I'm happy that we work to find that point where we have finally a healthy relationship without been married.
💜 Love that! So glad to hear that you have been able to become friends. 🙌
My ex and I were both LDS and when we divorced. He was met with open arms and I kept getting the judge-y looks. They even welcomed his mistress. I'm glad your community was more open minded than mine was. Also, my current husband and his ex are still friends and it took me years to understand it considering the dumpster fire my divorce was. Now that I get it I'm happy they have that. Good luck on your journey ❤
Thank you so much for this. Currently working on not enabling in my marriage right now and it's not easy. I appreciate your honesty.
Had no idea! Well, if anyone can have a healthy friendship/co-parenting relationship work, it's you guys! Sending positive vibes 💜
Im so happy you two are getting a divorce and Jono i hope you continues to do videos because you are a warm and loving person and have helped me relate and know myself better. I wish you both well, but the incompatibility was obvious. So i pray for peace for you both. ❤
Thank you for talking about this. The first couple I ever met that divorced were best friends and did all the family things together. He even stepped up to take care of her in the end when she came down with cancer for the last time . This was in the 70's/80's
Haven't kept up to date on the videos but a few months ago I could see this in how you to communicated and said you guys do what's best for you. I'm not surprised you both chose divorce.
I just wanted to say you both look better especially YOU. Before you wouldn't make much eye contact with your ex and would look to be zoning out when she commented.
Whatever therapy or discussions you have had off camera you look much better mentally.
My parents would fight verbally and slam doors for years until finally they divorced. I really think divorcing quicker would have been much more clean and healthy. I can see you'll are in a better place now.
What ever happens with the channel is fine as long as you both are doing well. If you keep making videos together fine....if it's only one that's fine also....if the channel is done that's also fine.
I want y'all to be the best you can for your kids. You look much better in this video together then a few months ago. Take care and God bless!
This feels very similar to my marriage and divorce experience. Although we were not able to change the dynamics that we identified within the marriage, we did so much therapy and talked so much. We loved each other then and still do now. But we concluded that we were not compatible and that lack of compatibility was hurting both of us. Separated for two years, we still own property together and offer each other support through our friendship, but we live separate lives and that is really working for us.
Divorce isn’t necessarily giving up, sometimes it’s just letting go.
I know this is an incredibly mature decision on the part of both of you, but this still did make me sad as I’ve followed you guys for a while and have unhealthily divorced parents myself, but upon reflection it’s awesome you were able to come to this decision on mutually beneficial terms
Gah.. ngl i felt like my parents just sar me down and told me.. but honestly love and support to you both. I divorced my first husband of almost 10 years and we are best friends.. im always sending your videos to him as a form of free therapy! Its helped us i feel grow closer as co parents and having new perspectives besides the old ways our parents were taught. Lots of people didnt understand our level of co parenting cause we just didnt hate eachother... we chose our love for our kid and make all three of us work hard for all the babies. LOVE YALL. ❤
thank you so much for speaking up, i applaud you for continuously working on having as healthy of a relationship as you can. i know a couple who, arguably, has lost all their integrity, not because they got divorced, but rather because they didn’t, and there is so much hurt that could have been avoided if they had had your maturity and awareness
This is such a great conversation. I truly appreciate the amount of respect you both have brought to this conversation. You both seem like fantastic individuals, and having to leave your marriage is not a bad thing. You did what was healthy for you, and I think that's obvious.
You talked about how you did the work and realized that it wasn’t a marriage but a different type of relationship that it led to. What did that look like for you both? I don’t want to pry into the specifics, but when you achieved a healthy dynamic, what were the differences that caused it to be more of a friendship and partnership instead of a marriage?
It's so great to be friends! You've demonstrated how to work together amid a breakup. On the flipside--I'd love to hear how you are growing now that you are apart. How are you able to create new boundaries that are different from a couple? How will you navigate the friendship and allow space for any potential new relationships?
How does she look happier while he seems and is visibly acting different.
I love you Johno. I pray you find the resolve and support to move forward and away from this toxic BS.
Question: how can a divorced couple stay friendly and continue to collaborate without confusing young children or giving the children false hope of getting back together?
Honesty.
Communication. When my ex-husband and I were in the process of separating, I had a lot of conversations with my oldest child about what was happening and a surface level of why. Now, that he and I are both dating separate people, I still have conversations with my oldest to make sure that he is comfortable with both relationships and to address any potential issues with that.
It's not super hard as long as you're honest with the kids. "Mom and Dad don't want to be married anymore but we always want to be friends and be your Mom-and-Dad'. Then, if one or the other begins to date again, the ex-partner says things like 'I'm glad mom/dad is dating! I hope they meet somebody awesome and that their new person loves you just as much as we do!'.
I have to reiterate that I admire you guys so much for your wisdom, compassion and maturity in this relationship. I personally do believe that friendship after a breakup or divorce is adulting goals with a capital A. I do think that two mature and good people can make it work since I've seen other people do it.
I wish you good luck on both your separate journeys as well as co-parents. New adventures await!
I can’t relate more. I watched your relationship playlist yrs ago and did the brutal work in my relationship. HOURS of self reflection, couples therapy, humility and courage. al
At the end, we realized our love at best and most authentic was-familial.
Now I am teary watching this video. I am getting married next month to the partner of my dreams and my ex, and his incredible partner are coming to the wedding. We are all friends and there is no undress pain. Only love and support for everyone fulfilling their purpose.
Proud of y’all🫶🏾❤️🔥
Thank you for sharing your incredibly personal journey. May you both abide peacefully with continued love, respect, and blessings in your lives. 🌞❤️
Thank you for sharing your insights and being vulnerable with us. I know that accountability and honesty are huge values for you, and in sharing your journey it feels like you're modeling that for us, by being authentic and genuine in sharing your struggles. I think it's so important to share and show that everyone is on this journey, and that there is no one perfect answer or path, but a series of choices and decisions that shape us each and every day. It sounds like you've both reached a place to have a healthy relationship with each other, and isn't that the goal? It doesn't matter what the labels are for that relationship as long as it's one that works for both of you; that is, going from marriage to friends is not a loss, if in that transition you've gained a happier, healthier dynamic that allows you to best honor and love each other.
That was a peculiar video) Somehow I was getting "massive cope" vibes throughout the first half while also agreeing with your message)