Dr. Gabor Maté on Parenting and Raising Healthy Children | The Tim Ferriss Show
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2022
- Watch the full interview here: • Dr. Gabor Maté - The M... | Brought to you by Tommy John premium underwear tommyjohn.com/tim, Athletic Greens all-in-one nutritional supplement athleticgreens.com/tim, and ButcherBox premium meats delivered to your door butcherbox.com/tim.
Resources from the episode: tim.blog/2022/09/07/dr-gabor-...
Dr. Gabor Maté (@DrGaborMate) is a renowned speaker and bestselling author, highly sought after for his expertise on a range of topics that includes addiction, stress, and childhood development. Dr. Maté has written several bestselling books, including the award-winning In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction, When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress-Disease Connection, and Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It. He has also coauthored Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. His works have been published internationally in nearly thirty languages.
His new book is The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture www.amazon.com/Myth-Normal-Il....
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About Tim Ferriss:
Tim Ferriss is one of Fast Company’s “Most Innovative Business People” and an early-stage tech investor/advisor in Uber, Facebook, Twitter, Shopify, Duolingo, Alibaba, and 50+ other companies. He is also the author of five #1 New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestsellers: The 4-Hour Workweek, The 4-Hour Body, The 4-Hour Chef, Tools of Titans and Tribe of Mentors. The Observer and other media have named him “the Oprah of audio” due to the influence of his podcast, The Tim Ferriss Show, which has exceeded 700 million downloads and been selected for “Best of Apple Podcasts” three years running.
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I love the good doctor and am falling in love with Ferris 🥰
Raising children is the most important work we as adults we will ever do.
"We have the science, we have the research -- we're just not applying it." As a former teacher, this has by far depressed me the most. It's all here, but society insists on the harmful ways, feeding into the cycle of trauma.
A big thank you to Gabor Maté to continuously trying to give these topics more attention!
"In general, children are the most brutalized of people, not because they are small and weak, but because they don’t have the same freedoms to quit that adults have." ~ Peter Gray
Asking, "what's is beneath the story/behavior?" Will give a pause. Remember, " A 'misbehaving' child is a discouraged child." True for adults too. ❤
Parents, Guardians, Educators, anyone responsible for the care and education of our children - the debate that’s been raised here is whether it is better to look only at ‘what’ the behaviour is or to look deeper into the behaviour and ask ‘why’. As a daughter I was raised in the ‘what’ only era and there was no teaching involved, just harsh punishment, which in my case resulted in suppression of my feelings (the unacceptable ones). I was very obedient - so job done for the system - but I was also the perfect bait for predators and abusers. I got cancer 3 times in my lifetime. As a mother I applied the ‘what’ method, but with teaching (by ‘correcting’ the so-called bad behaviour. No punishment. That still didn’t prevent my son becoming addicted, in his case to alcohol and prescribed medication (the convenient companion to the ‘what’ method. My son died prematurely. So that method clearly doesn’t work (in my humble opinion). As a grandmother I apply the ‘why’ method, having learned it from books written by and talks given by Gabor Mate. It is working beautifully - especially with my grandchildren who have ADHD and/or anxiety ‘disorders’. So I’m on the ‘why’ side. Absolutely no doubt - it’s working in ‘real’ life!
❤ giving children the words they need TO express their needs and emotions by naming ours aloud and by sharing emotion words and by reading aloud daily or weekly and discussing the experiences in the books of the characters creates not only VITAL empathy but the ability to communicate and resolve inner pain WITH their parent or grandparent or other caretaker thereby naturally reducing the acting out of the pain or its suppression. It can be *shared* safely when a child or teen has both the words and the loving listener to hear understand consider and facilitate resolutions to reduce the pain (even if a lost lollipop (THAT matters to THEM so its *as important* to a young chold as a lost wallet is for an adult). Blessings to you. We all do the best that we can until we know better. Then we do better. (Maya Angelou)
Regards to you mam.. I have already done the damage partially for the first 8 years till I came across Dr Gabor s video.
I had lived with emotional neglect but huge lecturing which was increased by tsunami wave post my motherhood.
I am struggling to make corrections and try to withdraw communication when I feel a meltdown coming over for myself.
I am still grappling with what can I do
@@sudeshnam1672 you don’t need to worry - you’re aware of the problem and that’s half the battle. In the past, most of us brought our kids up in the same way our parents did, it was all we knew. But now thanks to people like Gabor Mate we know better. It’s called conscious parenting. Angela gives some good advice above - reading to them is a great way to teach them about their feelings and it’s a great opportunity to show them how to express them. Just keep being conscious of what you’re doing and you won’t go wrong - and believe in yourself. Trust your instincts.
@@valtracey6180 Thank you so much 💖. Your reply means a lot to me ... As a single parent I always put myself under the radar but sometimes my worst gets better of me.. Also I work from home ...
Thank you so much @Val Tracey, your reply means a lot to me... Lots of love 💕💕 to you
It’s very challenging to have a healthy relationship with a child when we’re living in a toxic environment and surrounded by toxic people who are very low minded and worthless on almost all level. We somehow pass our unhappiness to our child unwittingly unless we watch some of these videos that really raise awareness so we can be aware and really understand our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors…..I believe that many of the personality disorders are a response to the problematic environment and toxic culture that we live in.
So spot on
Dr Gabor mate is one of top in this field his clipps helped me througth my trauma i am about to buy one of his books and look forward buying all of the books he wrote he is such intelegent and interesting person
This show episode gives me so many connection and writing researched information!!!!!❤😂🎉🎉🎉🎉😊Thank you!
Understanding from the household level or perspective could be challenging. If we could find a way to have more connected communication with the children, maybe consider if the family need consultation; understand the relationship as a way of understanding the child's needs. Could the government consider employing therapists in schools for a teamed effort with the guidance councillors?
Amen I love you thank you
His knowledge and understanding should filter in to all our systems from prisons to governmental departments to truly address society s trauma.
The best
My 1 year old is very physically aggressive and I am struggling !!!! Any advice please on how to cope with this
Wow very well said, 100% agree . My parents were psychologically abusive and my dad would hit me with a belt instead of doing actual parenting. I was a good kid, he was an angry person who didn’t respect either of his children’s autonomy.
All while successfully coming across as normalish to people they interact with for the most part.
After a lot of working on myself I’ve been able to heal through the trauma but I’m a little lost with what to do with my life at the current moment.
У меня так же было с моей мамой. Я уже взрослая, но иногда мне кажется что я до сих пор, та маленькая девочка которая боится всего в этом мире, потому от мамы получала больше страха, оскорбление чем любви и защиты.
@@MarK-dr5ne I had to move back and I’m trying to figure out a way to make a living but it’s hard, I never asked to live in the US. I might move in with a friend but I also wanna try to get my sister out of here when she’s 18, she deserves better than to suffer like I did.
@@Slavic_Socialist what do mean by never asked to live in the US? Your family immigrated? When I was a kid my family too immigrated from USSR to west Africa, I think it was too hard for my mom, and she always put her anger on me. When I finished school in Africa, I was so happy to leave my parents house. I left for Russia, feeling "I'm going home now" Still now, when I visit them, I know I will have to support a lots of criticism about me, my life, and etc . Even though I'm doing very great and made it all by myself.
@@MarK-dr5ne Yeah we’re in the US moved from Ukraine after 1993.
It wasn’t quite as bad for me it’s just my dad is kinda childish and narcissistic. He works in tech and barely has any social skills, the abuse was definitely there and mom would hardly step in because she was abused by her dad too but she’s never admitted it. It’s a cycle of abuse sadly.
We’re better now but he gets really mad when we talk about politics because he’s always wrong.
How is Russia now? I think it’s probably a good idea to move because the economy isn’t going to recover after Putin’s invasion..
@@Slavic_Socialist Yes, i understand about what you talking about, the circle of abused child that our parents had been Tru Tru their parents.
My grandma was Ukrainian, she spent war and raised 6 children, she was a very hard mother but a very caring and loving grandmother. Looking at my mom now, she is just repeating that circle scenario. My father never tried to changed her, I guess he found it it's just impossible.
I left Russia 10 months ago, I don't know how things are going there because I'm not there. So I'm not the best opinion..
I have to say that the legal system does understand, they don't care, if they don't care, they won't try to change, the money flowing freely for ruining lives must be stopped
“Generations of scholars and activists have examined race, gender, class and sexuality as categories of oppression. They have not extended the same courtesy to the category of childhood, to the oppressions and sufferings of children. But the fact is you can’t reproduce any order of societal oppression based on race, gender, class or sexuality without first destroying each generation of young people as soon as they enter the world.” ~ Dr. Stacey Patton
I am raising a very volatile 12yr old with severe ADHD and anxiety. She goes to my sister's several days a week and she is able to do homeschool and behave wonderfully. Every time she comes home, she is exploding with emotion and anxiety. I can't decide if going to my sister's is good or bad for her. I don't know how to help her regulate on the way home. This is the only way I have figured out to school her. Nothing else works. She is developing a negative self image and I also wonder if I should keep looking for a medication that will work for her.
So the different context manifests different behaviour... doesn't strike me as a medical issue. Keep switching up contexts and see if there's a discernable pattern.
My guess is that you may be part of the problem.
Have someone record on video what's happening and how they interact when you are not around. It'd be best that your sister didn't know that either and act as normal as possible (knowing that footage is being taken may alter her normal behavior).
I know it's difficult but that's how a version of an experiment would be designed. In real world terms try talking to your sister on how she deals with her and under what philosophy/logic she approaches the child. What she does when she acts up, etc.
Rebecca - I have a 10 year old grandson with ADHD who behaves really well in my house, but gives his Mom a really hard time in his own home. The reason is simple - there are very few triggers in my home - I have him round on his own, without his siblings, so he can have all my attention, I’m not on his case asking him to do stuff … in his own home there are tons of triggers, like ‘you have to brush your teeth’, you have to get ready for school’ ‘I said only 5 more minutes it’s time for bed’! Etc … instructions, orders, time constraints, all the types of things a child with ADHD finds really difficult to handle, having very poor concept of the passing of time and the obvious difficulty of focusing, making it hard to complete everyday chores. I could probably help by introducing chores when he’s with me, but he’s so calm I’m reluctant to break the ‘spell’ - plus it gives Mom a good break and it’s not causing me stress. Definitely keep sending her to your sisters and enjoy the break!
@@valtracey6180 beautifull
there are no sick people, only sick expectations. pressure causes stress (high blood PRESSURE) It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a sick society. Teal swan and gabor mate and dr rangan chatterjee offer wonderfull content adressing many issues, but how would you act if you knew yr kid was going to end it's life next week. Love is the real importance of being human, not these fake unfullfilling materialistic life destroying earth distroying goals which will soon come to an end as the industrial age only possible thanks to a billion years of compressed energy at our disposal. The goals of this work centered life where never valuable as they exhausted and abused earth and humans and animals. Love yr child as if it would die tomorrow .
.. here in Western South Dakota we have behavior management systems, which focuses only on behavior, and hands out dangerous drugs like they were candy..
Drugs are not the way. Behavioral shaping is the key but it needs time and effort and too few people and settings will make that happen.
That's as well as society can do...
@@C_R_O_M________exactly...time and effort...ppl don't care enough to bother.
@Jose S. James … and that will help our children how?
I think you’ve come into the wrong stream … I’m sure there are plenty of good sites where you can have a chat about investments!
👏🏽💗
I love Gabor matè but it’s really frustrating how he only describes the issues and the causes but NEVER solutions or practical techniques to put into action so you can connect with your kids or re-attachment.
He tells you what not to do (essentially all parenting techniques you know) but never the right ways to fix the issues.
Give your children good yeast. Read them the Bible. Don’t let bad things be seen, if the eyes are good then the whole body is full of light. There’s a lot of mischief making light of wicked things in the world, despicable me for instance makes light of being a thief and is aimed at children.
first
Its amazing to see all the narcissistic adults in here whining about his advice lol, aww you angry you have to pay more attention to childs needs? Pathetic
This is unhelpful...calling ppl whiners.
The government s won’t spend the money
From this guy? ..... I'm skeptical but I'm listening .... where he is coming ontologically speaking I would love to know.
What exactly are you skeptical of? He's speaking facts.
@@blackmcbain3145 No he doesn't. He dips his opinions into subjectivity and dubious interpretations.
Gabor Mate is author of the book ‘Scattered Minds’, dedicated to exploring causes treatments and solutions to the problem of the alarming increase in ADHD in our children in our modern day culture, and also co-author of the book ‘Hold on to Your Kids’ - which investigates the effects of modern technology and social media on children’s development. With the amount of research and hard work put into producing these important books, together with his own personal experience as a parent, about which he has been totally honest in sharing his mistakes, I would say he is more than qualified to express his views on parenting, and to give some valuable advice. If you have children I would strongly recommend that you read both, unless you’ve already studied the subject of parenting.
@@valtracey6180 there's only one loose end in this whole parenting thing.
The impact of digital devices which is only a couple of generations old (at the most).
The rest it's pretty established and verified literature with Piaget and the behaviorists doing much of the bulk of the work.
Other theories like Object relation theory by Klein or Adler's theory on birth order weren't that successful because they are too vague and from what I know didn't relate well to subsequent statistical analyses.
In the reality vs theory issue I'd go with reality 100% of the time.
Let me also remind you that this guy is on the sell side of his books and theories. He makes some bold statements.
I wasn't convinced from the very beginning when he placed more weight on the "why" (someone behaves" vs the "what" (someone does). Much like Klein's and Adler's theories it's a focus on the "why's". The "why's" are the most difficult questions to ask in science. The "what's" not so much as they are self-evident most of the times.
Adler's case, for example, was a theory that related to his own past and feelings of inferiority. That's possibly the reason he made the theory to explain his own feelings. But his experiences weren't universal and that's where the theory stumbles.
The acorn example was a bad analogy as well. Very bad.
I'm speaking from an ontology undergirded by non-exclusive Christian mysticim. I pull from the Tao, Upanishad, early Church Fathers, Iban Arabi, Mesiter Ekhart , and the Zohar. I focus on the absolute unity of being and the supreme Oneness of God. All of this sounds foolish of course if your a non- participant. If you don't play the game - or aren't aware there's one to be played then ... its a bunch of gobbledygook... but hey what can ya do. See all you guys at the finish line. And we shall know one another by our fruits and then alone.
Best of luck fellow fathers.
Gabor by admission, wasn’t there for his kids growing up. But on kids acting out he’s not very clear here what’s expected of parents. So a kid wants a toy and he’s told No, he acts out but surely that’s a manipulation on the kids part not the parent? Why should he have another toy? I’m with Supernanny on this, kids need to have clearly explained expectations, and time out, it helps them regulate their emotions and socialise them. Kids senses weakness and is the biggest manipulators of this. I still remember being spanked as I wouldn’t go to school and I remember thinking “ even schools better than this “ - I don’t believe in spanking but it was a lesson for me. I understand the bigger needs (not seeing parents enough, not getting outside play etc), but we don’t all end up in jail, because of this. In life rarely does it serves all our needs. Diet drives bad behaviour too. But this interview doesn’t really say anything specific.
yes and no
Oooooooop there's the oppression worship... ooohhhkay.
Well tell me how you parent. What you said is not what he said at all. He said stop feeding kids drugs and yelling and beating them and go do your job as a patent and understand.
@@blackmcbain3145 I am against drugs too, shouting, yelling and beating but I completely disagree with him. He focuses on the "why's" ("why is the kid acting up") and chooses to overlook the "what's" ("what the kid does") on the basis of some dubious interpretations. I wouldn't bet on the ability of humans interpreting reality at that complex level. The "why's" in science are the most difficult questions you can ask. The "what's", not so much. They are observable and, to a great degree, self-evident.
@@C_R_O_M________ our prisons are full of young men and women who acted out as children and were punished for their ‘bad’ behaviour. Because no one asked why, they failed to learn how to regulate their emotions and express their feelings, particularly fear and anger, in a safe and healthy way. As adults they turned their rage outwards by being destructive, to property and to those around them, sometimes those nearest and dearest, other times they directed their anger and rage at the people they perceived as causing their pain. There is no such thing as bad behaviour in children - they are acting out their feelings - jumping for joy or stomping their feet when they’re’mad as hornets’! Seems pretty straightforward to me, and it only takes me a couple of minutes longer to get to the root of a meltdown, helping the child to notice how he is feeling inside and knowing there is nothing to be scared of … it’s just a feeling and it will pass.
@@valtracey6180 you are oversimplifying the "why's". You grouped a whole bunch of individuals together that ended up in prison with such ease.
I can assure you that the patterns you have in your head are not going to fit the persons when you try getting to know them individually.
Every one is different and the only thing you can aspire to correct is one bad behavior at a time.
When a child, for example, has been consistently impatient and needs to fulfill its impulses right here and now "or else" (tantrum ensues), you have to deal with that proactively and teach them the benefits of delayed gratification and instinctual restriction.
That's no easy task especially when their environment is filled with conflicting messages from various sources.
When you let that pass you end up with criminal and antisocial behavior because your instincts may tell you to grab that (whatever that is, a woman's/man's body part, an object that doesn't belong to you, etc), but you must be able to constrain your impulses because the world is not here to serve you.
Overprotective mothers make that mistake consistently and create antisocial and "entitled" kids that proceed to engage in criminal behavior when the mother's leash eventually gets to be much longer. This is why one parent homes (usually sole mothers) produce more criminals than two-parent homes with males dealing differently with bad behavior and have less tolerance for tantrums.
The world is a very complex place to be and it tolerates more the people that actually add value to it. This message needs to be passed on to the child at a very early age. Unicorns belong to fairy tales.
@@C_R_O_M________ I referred to the prison group as an extreme example of the consequences of not teaching children how to self-regulate, they don’t represent all of our prison population but I would say it is a high number. Sadly the majority of ‘unregulated’ children grow into troubled unstable adults in bad relationships and make even worse parents than their own parents were.
I totally agree about teaching a child to be ok with delayed gratification, just as long as he doesn’t have to suppress his feelings in the process. This is hard work but really rewarding and I believe this is what Gabor recommends. Allow the child to feel the frustration and let it pass, in a healthy way. Feelings fuel behaviour, so it makes sense if you teach a child how to process their feelings, their behaviour will become more calm and ‘socially acceptable’.
There are more monsters than unicorns in fairy tales….
Ok fine, your emotional wants & needs are acknowledged. Now go get a job!
No shit!!! Get a fucking job to consume your time so that you don’t have time to sit and whine
This guy looks like a mummy!! You actually need to toughen your kids up so that they can proceed through life.
I don't agree with him because his focus is on the "why" (someone acts out) instead of the"what" (are they actually doing).
Note that the first involves a great dose of interpretation and thus arbitrary assumptions and complex and dubious guessing. I would never bet on that even as a psychologist.
Instead, behavioral shaping is focusing on the "what" someone does which is far less prone to arbitrary interpretations and assumptions. His acorn example sounded insightful but it's not very relative to humans.
Humans don't have a 3-4 variable system of operational destiny. The variables are far more and far more complex in their inter-dynamics.
👍🏻
Both ways have their pro and cons.
"what"
pro: observeable
con: superficial
"why"
pro: deep, meaningful
con: hidden
I don't know much as a pedagogue since i am new in my job there, but i am very knowledgeable as a psychologist on theoretical level ( ive read many reports of psychologists too). I can tell you that the "why" way is necessary. It is insanely usefull to be able to know the origins or functions of your behavior. For example it might does not help you to know "what" you are doing if you are have a obsessive compulsive disorder. Literally the only way to overcome is to "probe" for the "why". The assumptions might be arbitrary but that does not mean that you are not able to falsify those assumptions. You are able to use the scientific method to come to certain conclusion based on certain theories which have endured the test of time.
For true self understanding and self growth we need the "why". There is currently no way around it.
@@Rithmy I totally agree . Looking at ‘what’ the child did is superficial, a quick fix for the adult carer present, taking a short cut, instead of investing a little more time to find out how the child is feeling and therefore ‘why’ the behaviour. Over time the child will come to realize that he doesn’t have to fear his feelings and self-regulation will begin naturally, the tantrums, meltdowns or acting out will also lessen naturally, and eventually will only occur when he genuinely has something to be mad about and is expressing anger, fear or frustration in a healthy way.
He’s actually an advocate for both. Modern medicine ignores one side completely, that’s why he talks more of that side. Not that he thinks “what are they doing” isn’t important but that “why are they doing it” is so neglected.
@@PlayshotKalo I disagree with his interpretations. Especially so since he sounds certain about them. There's no room for certainty for such multifactorial matters.
Nobody could convince me that damaged ppl who claim to be healed would make good parents...the trauma has deep roots and will be passed down.
Just raise winners and achievers, not losers and quiters. Like Lavar Ball did. He's great! I mean his children are!
Gabor Mate creates anxious kids. Never focus on trauma because 99% of kids dont have trauma
Which world you live in?
99 percent of kids have HUGE trauma. It's just unseen and unacknowledged.
Gabor is so full of shit. He's terrible. Responsibility and work is the key. Gabor's way is the wrong way.