Narcissistic Family: Why Going No Contact Is NOT Enough
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
- In this video, I discuss why going no contact with your narcissistic family is not enough! If you have gone no contact or are considering it, this video will save you a lot of pain.
It will also help you address the hidden issues that keep your family dynamics lingering in your life, finally allowing you to differentiate yourself from them.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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One of the BEST 5 minutes I have spent of my 50 years alive. Jerry you have no idea what this video means to me. Then is god level advice thank you thank you thank you for this. WOW !
And what do you say to parents who are being manipulated by the "estrangement" movement? What do you tell these children about their responsibilities to the family unit, to their siblings who do not hold the same opinion of one or both parents labeled as "narcissists?"
People who have been raised in a healthy loving family are the luckiest on the planet. I am genuinely happy for them.
lots of
Yes definitely and I wish they would adopt ME!! 🙋♀️
@@anonymousbyname1121sometimes friends are better than family.
You are so correct. If you don't have a loving family / support system your chances of making it in life are very slim. Sadly, I came from nothing but disfunction / poverty. And it's hard to find a partner because they don't want to get involved with a family like that. Crazy parents who only cared about themselves. Didn't want to be bothered by their children. We had to raise ourselves basically. As you stated, people who come from loving families are the luckiest of all because they have a real chance at life.
I'm jealous
No contact is like coming off the battle field. Then begins the long road towards healing and recovery.
The family C-PTSD is a real thing! Normally lasts for years. I’m 7-8 years NC but still have so much self healing to do. It’s probably going to be a lifetime healing for me because of 40 years of damage it’s not something you reverse overnight.
Thanks for not saying off of.....
@@zofiajaneczek184same here.. 🤢🤮
Makes me sick..
and how much I put hope into things and wasted my life..
single, alone, no kids (💔).
Don’t trust ppl..
body has broken down..
just would rather be with my grandparents in heaven. 🕊️
No if I don’t show up I get vengeance done to me, Jerry..
Whether I know it or not..
I have tried to stay out of the domestically abusive houses..
but I get nasty things done or eventually I will find out the nasty things down.
💯 good way to put it
They will gossip and smear you no matter what you do, even if it's what they want you to do.
“ Even if it’s what they want you to do.” So true!
😮💨
Good point 👍🎯💯
Definitely happened to me!
It’s brutal
So true❤
Narcissistic parent wants you go react, they want you unstable emotionally.
Which is sociopathic.
Especially if your body is failing you.. and fragile
My mother. Yuck
yes, their games are disgusting.
Trolling me right to the end as well.
Very true 😢
I evicted them, but they still live in my head, rent-free. Ugh!
Me too well worth the free loading as long as it's just that!
@@joseenoel8093 Certainly an improvement.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ikpm6d*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzY4MjkwMC4yMS4wLjE3MTM2ODI5MDIuNTguMC4w
You have to forgive or you can't forget. Then that helps get you to the place where you get on with your own life
@@almalee1885 no you do not have to forgive. That’s a personal journey and not for someone else to decide.
It hurts because we been taught family is everything. But family's abuse hurts us more since we grow up trusting them. Educate your kids peers etc. Family blood is not everything. Look at Cain and Abel. It's been there from the beginning.
Great example. Considering my narcissistic mom is so church going.
This is true. I am no contact with my family ( 10 years) but they are in my mind and heart all the time. At least there is no new damage from contact with them. But much more is needed.
Same here. I keep thinking something must be wrong with me. Why do people who couldn't care less about me matter so much to me? I see life as short and connection to others as the one of the few things that matter. I want to know them. They may not realize it, but we are part of each other. I am not exactly like them. I may not be at all like them, but we may complement each other, expand each other, define other dimensions of who we can be. We share too much: genetics, experiences, intergenerational backgrounds and possible traumas. We each know things that might be value to share and understand one day. What if some of us have questions later in life that cannot be answered without other members sharing what they know. One day it will be too late. Some niece or nephew may grow up and wonder why the family is this way or that. Their parents are denying them full access to knowing who they are. They may not like what they find out or they may grow and become stronger and be better equipped to deal with whatever may come up. A lot can come up.
@@nancybartley4610 I think you should consider letting go of the attachments. Much of that comes from biological and social programming, but some people are just best to avoid. Family members can often be the worst because they feel they can do whatever they want and you'll keep returning for more.
As for your nieces and nephews, they may have been programmed against you by their parents in the same way (mine were).
"Their parents are denying them full access to knowing who they are." Their parents DO NOT want them to know the truth as it will expose their true nature, the last thing they want.
It's hard to walk away because of guilt, but many times it is absolutely the best thing to do. I did it 6 years ago but would have done it decades ago if I had this info back then.
Take care.
It’s grief and it’s also a cover for not looking at how we can thrive in life instead of surviving. Why are our lives so empty that we have room for these jerks,
@@nancybartley4610 yes it's nice to know others feel the same
@aces6285 Same here. After two decades I still can't get them out of my daily thoughts.
It wasn’t until I went no contact that I realised just how vile my narc mother was towards me. I now have peace, clarity and my health has improved significantly.
Good for you! Congratulations on regaining your life.
@@gardenjoy5223 Thank you and blessings to you 🙏 👼 💕
Oh my, after 12 years still learning. I made a mistake and contacted my narc mom, who went to her golden child to smear and judge me, when she called, literally the first words were " well afterall, it was your fault....." when it was due to a bad incompetent boss, then covid hit and I spent 3 years jobless. ..so I fail to see it as my fault at all. I will no longer have anything to do with her. Sad thing to me is my ex was so her! He ended our marriage with violence to throw me away, and she and her golden child believed his lies, and are still friends with him...never ever could count on her for any support.
So sorry ❤ they are jealous.
Narc Moms imply divorces are *your* fault because its another way they can "prove" their lifelong narrative. "You see?? You were *always* hard to live with. Ever since you were born you were difficult." Mine sympathised with my profoundly narcissistic ex as well. The irony.
Sounds like my story, so glad you found Jerry. He’s literally saved me.
Glad I found Jerry.. 4 children Helped Dad CHEAT.. they were his 'cover'!!!
Very sorry to hear your story. But some of the times we need to repeat our lessons, so it sinks better.
I have my story. Haven't saw my mom for 27 years. Then I knew absolutely, absolutely nothing of narcissism. I started talking with her again 22 years ago approx. I regret it till this day. Uselessly spent money for long distance calls (other continent, far away country) and lost time. My time. I spent it to be for her parental child. Just useless waist of money and time.
I hear first time of narcissism 2+years ago. And it clicked in. I'm 64, and I'm starting over. I have to redo everything from the beginning. And worse - I knew that they will never change, I knew, but needed someone else to say it aloud. I did mistakes in the past, I have paid hight price for it. I wish to no one such kind of...... So I wish you to find support in other places, places where people will understand you, and at the healthier places. May help come to you soon and always
Going no contact is just the beginning
Amen, I have no attachment. I refuse to be a slave to family. ❤
“I can be me and not them-me. I don’t want to be them-me. I want to be me.” Them-me is such a helpful term to use! 🎉
😂😂
My mother died in 2016, and I didn't attend her funeral. She had been incredibly abusive for the last 40 years of her life. I had been no contact since 1987 and I was estranged from my siblings, as well. For some reason, I dreamt about her recently, and I looked up her obituary online again. There's a space for people to leave their comments about the deceased, and someone unfamiliar to me left condolences to my siblings, but my name wasn't mentioned. I realized that I was officially no longer a part of the family, and it was weird to read that, but then I felt better and better. It was a wonderful validation. I'm done with them.
You’re free from being with the wrong group.
Trust me, I know.
My dad died, my treated me like shit my whole life, I didn't go to the funeral and I was told they had a video of his life with all his children in it except me. Everyone thinks they family isn't in on it, they absolutely are. It's all so pity I find it kinda funny now after time has passed.
Good for you! I’m so happy for you that this was your reaction. You are free. I think it was crappy of that person not to mention your name, even though you have gone no contact. You were still in reality, an historic part of this family. I am hurt for you by this cruel omission. Really disgusting. But I think you are reacting right. You are free from their toxicity and I am so happy for your bravery and your freedom. I don’t know why I’m reacting so strongly to your FORMER family dynamic ( former because you have said No more) but I can actually feel their abusive range. It’s palpable and I have no doubt real in its danger levels to your health and wellbeing. God bless you.
Just read about the dad and no video of you (who got away) shown at his funeral . Screw them. You are very real in your own life and here being your actual self NOW. God bless you, child of God.
@@user-lj4xs4gn8u Thank you so much for your comment. There are times when I still feel really bad about it but I try not to go there. It helps a lot to be validated.
I’ve been no contact with my mother and half brothers now for two years, my mother is a malignant narcissist the final straw for me was when she forgot that the security system has audio and I heard her talking to my brother about wanting to poison my dog. Then my brother committed mail fraud using my name and that was the end of my contact with any of them. I told her if she or any of them ever contacted me again I’d file criminal charges for the mail fraud which is a felony. I’m sure she’s running a great smear campaign behind my back but truly I’m better off without them
Cut off from anyone who doesn't support your life choices which includes but is not limited to the kind of career and the kind of partner you'd be interested in.
Yep, lol I'm staying Single.
@@marionm5311 Good for you, I know exactly what I'm looking for.
U need to grow some balls and be interested in who you want, and remember they gotta like u back😅
For sure. Narcs love to identify themselves ideologically as against groups of people just to legitimise their covert primary motive of scapegoating. It has NOTHING to do with us, it is their behaviour and their problem and we leave it there!
"grow some balls" is a narcissistic response tbh
True because rumination is the huge issue
Narcissists have a perverse way of creating rumination within the minds of their empath targets of narcissistic supply
Rumination is very tough to overcome after the narcissist is physically gone … evidence of a trauma bond
I had that so bad for a while. I hated it
@@peculiarstar4261 this video is showing how to eliminate and prevent rumination
Being an empath makes empathic people susceptible very easily to ruminating especially when there’s the feeling of “what did I do wrong to make this person upset ???? Or “if only I did this instead of that” or “why me ?”
I fell into ruminating when I was in contact with a narcissist that had hoovered back at a particularly stressful time in my life (didn’t really know what narcissism was yet)
It was pretty bad and even started seeing a therapist for it not knowing where it originated from. While ruminating about my incessant rumination that was interfering with my ability to concentrate on anything, an epitome struck me that my narc had made me feel totally worthless .. a bell went off as that was why I started ruminating and it started tapering and stopped completely within about a week. There was some things the narc had said that started it .. I do know that she was a covert malignant narcissist and extremely intelligent but evil
Yup..and it’s painful b/c they are sociopathic and enjoy knowing the mindF*ck games they will do to you.
When I started the NO contact, the pressure and the rumination increased. Then, on a whim, I made a quick visit to my narc family ( aging parents, Mom, the grandiose, Dad the enabler and possibly covert) and because I am healing each day, I managed to stick it out, and manage to not let the drama get under my skin. I am so proud of myself on this small but significant victory..I realise, I am truly able to learn self love! But yes, my visits to my toxic family has to be kept really short and sweet...
Very proud of you❤️‼️ Keep setting healthy boundaries:)
@@GabrielleP310 thank you! This community is such a HELP 🌹❤️
It is not enough because they leave you with problems. This time with health and financial problems.
1000%👍
I feel better now after I threw all the stuff they ever gave me into garbage bin and burned all the furniture they left me. Get rid of all the stuff they gave you. Don't feel sorry for it.
No surprise. What you ever wanted was unconditional love, not furniture and other stuff. How can golden ring can compete with hug, or kiss or just look of loving eyes.
I understand
@@matikramer9648 Yeah, you're absolutely right. They also tried to send me money one year ago after I graduated. After years being no contact they tried to send me money. I was just really puzzled about that and then getting angry cause instead of trying to contact me and ask me if I wanted to talk and settle things, they just tried to give me money. Ofcourse I didn't take it. Again, I suggest you to tell them to keep their money. Doesn't matter if it's ten bucks or million bucks. Don't accept it.
I am in the middle of doing the same thing
@@lisaspencer5881 I recommend it. You of course can sell that stuff too if it's pricey.
I should do this. I'm going through a divorce and I asked my narc mom (via my ex) to send me some boxes of childhood stuff she had sitting in her garage so I could repack it and put it in my storage unit and I regret it. It's like a bomb of trauma going off every time I open this stuff up. So many letters and pictures and birthday cards and toys. I thought it would help me find peace and connect with my inner child and it did, but my narc mom filled the packages with little "traps" in order to manipulate me too like little post-it notes with commentary and passive aggressive woe-is-me martyr language. I've been no contact with her for 2 years and she was threatening to throw out all this stuff so I fell for the bait. She got me unfortunately.
being lonely basically without a family is extremely damaging in itself
Im so sorry. There is a heavy cost to pay for your self care. But it is better than staying in the abuse. Still, it’s very hard. Remember it’s the only choice you could have made under the circumstances. The cost of your growing self love and care, while painful, is of absolute necessity.
I understand, it goes to show the level of damage these people create because to escape abuse means taking an alternative that is also empty and socially not acceptable and the world cant understand it one bit especially when it christmas time.
I perfer being away. I healed myself, not going back for more, ever. I also was married twice to a narc. Never again, healthy boundaries.
I was married to a narc too. Iv been single a decade now, people think thats strange but my motivation is gone especially since its economic hard times.
One thing about emotional detachment, I had to go no contact with my nieces and nephews because of my toxic siblings. This was difficult but there was no way I could retain any meaningful relationship with them. They became collateral damage, unfortunate but i had to come to terms with that and it was hard, but necessary for self preservation.
I get it. I had to do the same. 😢 Self preservation is exactly how to describe what we are doing.
I’ve still kind of sort of continued a relationship with my brother’s children, but not my sister’s. It’s confusing. Good part is it’s very one-sided. They are in their 20s and they only respond to me when I text them. No initiation on their sides. I’m pretty sure by the end of summer this too will be at zero.
@@i.am.navkaur I'm sure my close nieces and nephew are in conflict about what happened to me. I'd guess it's the same with yours. They wouldn't want to be seen fraternising with the 'enemy'. You may be right about the texts, they more the likely are just being polite by even replying. They might want to say more but fear antagonising their parents and being rejected or vilified themselves. Difficult situation, for me I tried that approach for 10 years hoping there would still be a spark only to realise I just wasn't that important to them.
@@jfk9996 Thank you for sharing. I am confident that time will tell. I've been out of the US for two years now and am going back this June (next month!) for a family wedding. My mom and dad are now dead, but my sister and brother will be there (who are both narcissists in their own ways). Truth is, we were all hurt by the parents and put in positions of love/hate by them. It really was torture. Am working on processing the feelings and what may come up during this time. Thank god it's all only three-ish days and not a week long (big Indian family). I hope you are in a better place.
I need to watch videos about how to heal from narcissistic abuse after my narcissistic relationships ended. I believe I should just call narcissistic relationships "ensnarements", since that is what they are.
If you were born to such kind of family or parent, we will need another word. English is but my fourth language, so I can't offer any other option
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I went no contact from dad 8 years ago (i had a serious cancer scare and he used my illness to gain attention from friends and family, while threatening and degrading me privately. final straw after decades of mistreatment). The surprising side effect is that everyone we jointly know he pits against me as the loving father who has a spoiled brat daughter who refuses to talk to him. This has harmed or even ended my relationships with other family members and nearly all family friends. He presents himself the epitome of virtue and sacrifice. Everyone buys his act, except for the few friends of his who he has also treated poorly.
No, they all know, they just dont care
Everyone Knows, they dont care, you think they domt know, they pretend thry dont know, in fact, they are same people, and dont care
Same
So so sorry for all this pain and mental torture your father has inflicted on you. We seem to have the same father, so much like my dad.
He passed away last Sept/23, I could write a book so much this man had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. He was adored and idolized by an entire community, family and friends. He was highly respected while behind those closed doors he mentally abused me. (not to mention also sexually abused me at a very young age). Our family portrait is not what it appears to be, it’s all fake!
I’ve been in therapy for the past 20 years, at 61 now, trying to discover who I am. Like you, I have been shunned, persecuted and criticized by all family members and acquaintances. Jerry is very helpful as well as Dr Sherrie Campbell.
I hope life treats you kind, never lose hope, people who suffer have beautiful hearts, let your love shine towards those who need it and welcomes it with open arms. Don’t spend another minute with people who want to destroy your spirit (they are the ones who are miserable and angry and want to take you down).
Hugs 🤗 from someone who can relate and understands 🌷 😊❤
@@mariamadsen7071 What you wrote made me feel better too.
The most painful and yet self loving decision I ever had to make. It I began living more fully, the pain does fade but the questions are never answered.
The answer I found for myself is that we’re on different frequencies and, with my newfound understanding, they’re no longer meant to be crossed. Tons of therapy and spiritual work brought me to this conclusion.❤
Jerry, I wish my husband would listen to you. Both his parents abused him, mother NPD. She calls, he answers and our whole world goes upside-down! It goes on for days, sometimes weeks, has been months! I'm at the end of my rope. Great advice.
Narcissistic abuse was an attack on your SOUL (mind, will and emotions). Unless you deal with them in the spiritual real and severe those soul ties; you can never fully heal and be restored. It's sad. I pray more people understand this and receive their healing.
I did this in December 2021 and have never been happier! My best friends are my higher and inner child selves, Biggie & Birdy! 😅
thank you jerry -- could you do a video about thinking more about your own life rather than the narcs / parents???? I have trouble focusing on myself and I'm sure other viewers do too
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It's worked brilliantly for me. I went no contact and have heard nothing at all from them for 4 years. Problem solved! I think we need to acknowledge here that we are all very different to each other. What works for one person doesn't for another. We also have very different feelings about going no contact. One size never fits all.
Same here 🎉✌️😊
If you love me, I’ll be forever in your heart, but if you hate me, I’ll be forever in your mind
It’s incredibly easy to go “no contact” or door-slam someone who doesn’t give a rat’s %#& about you. If you’re half a century old or more, you don’t need a Mommy anymore. There are millions of other people in the world to have relationships with. I owe no one but God my lifetime of servitude. All my mother has to do to hear my voice again…is apologize…but we all know narcs don’t apologize. 😁 So her loneliness is all her fault. Imprisoned by her own arrogance. Focus your attention and energy on making your dreams come true and helping others succeed.
Narcs don't feel loneliness. They don't desire connection with anyone. They only desire to use people in every way possible as a means to their ends. They live in a different reality than you.
I went "no contact" two years ago, when my sister tried to use me to shame my brother, by mailing his "Christmas present" to me, to deliver to him. I refused to deliver it, and she and my mother went nuts. It was creepy. My mom even reached out to my wife (behind my back) and gave her $20 to mail it to my brother. But my lovely wife told me about it, and I cut that off. So a couple years later my brother asked for the package, and I gave it to him, on our terms. Thank you so much for your truthful help Jerry!!!!
Going no-contact or at least very limited prevents new negativity but to get rid of the accumulated negativity is only by replacing it with something. Find something new and positive.
Yes, everything you say and do, no matter how positive and genuine, will be misconstrued and used against you. So, you might as well fully detach and _never_ look back, otherwise you're just giving them ammunition to continue manipulating, lying, envying, and projecting the shame of who they are onto you.
A narcissist will place blame in you for the actions of others.
When I was going through my divorce, I heard countless times, "well.. YOU chose her.." 😐
No matter what occured, it was always my fault, one way or the other.
Never once had many said or thought about the fact that I was very restricted throughout the divorce as a man/father.
Never once had anyone stated that it was the actions, choices, decisions of my ex wife which were to blame for the entire mess... somehow it always circled back to my fault, due to my choices and decisions at any time prior to when the mess started..
Some even sayng that "you should have known she was like this"..
Like I'm some sort of telepathic wizard or something... and that I should have been able to see through her act/facade, when they themselves were fooled by it.
And yes, some even saying how they "knew it all along" (no they didn't... they absolutely LOVED her)..
There is a Spiritual aspect to this that also needs healing because they can still drain your energy and control your mind long after you leave ❤
Be nice just to forget what we have been through.
Completely cutting my parents did wonders for me but it did not undo the damage done. Breaking all contact gave me space in which to work on things. It also stopped my mother's attempts to drag my wife into mother's ugly emotional games. I felt that cutting them off was the first step to healing myself and dealing with my own narcissistic traits. A narcissist can change but they have to recognise their narcissism, which is not easy. No narcissist wants to recognise their own narcissism but that is absolutely necessary for there to be any change. I have made big long term changes but it is an ongoing struggle that never completely goes away. You must always maintain a watch on yourself, your thinking, and your behaviour.
I feel like I lost myself during all those years. I tend to have memories that pop up out of the blue.
I have been alone and isolate. I have remained that way for over 10 years. It's lonely at times, lately. I am experiencing chronic pain because I need a hip replacement and I try to explain to the doctor that I have bo one. It tends to cause more anxiety. Narcissists change our lives in so many ways. Thank you Jerry. I appreciate your content so much
I am a senior and disabled, and it hurts me, too, to say, "I have no family."
@@monicaperez2843I am with you, I too share the same sentiments. Also disabled, 61 years old and no family. Hugs 🤗 🌷 ❤
Holding you in my heart. There seems to be so many of us, I share the same views and sentiments as you. Chronic pain also adds to more anxiety and depression, I’m also dealing with many medical issues. Suffice to say that I hope you can find some comfort knowing you are not alone here, many understand and can relate.
I try to give my life a really more meaning by just being a light to others. Sometimes just a simple smile at someone can change their day. It’s in the little things, the simple steps that can have great impacts.
I hope you can find some relief for your hip, I know this cannot be easy. I think you are very brave and courageous!
Hugging you across the miles 🌷 ❤ 🤗
Getting unsolicited advice used to be such a huge trigger for me (so many in my family would “gift” unsolicited advice on me constantly). So I apologize in advance for this if it causes any distress. But you may be able to get the hip replacement. Years ago I worked in a “step down facility”. Not a hospital, not a nursing home. People stayed there after surgeries or recovery from accidents who weren’t sick enough to remain in hospital but not well enough to go home. So many nursing homes are CALLED “rehab centers” but it’s in name only. The step down was short stay, several weeks max. Sometimes only days. Best of luck as I too need to ask people to accompany me for things like colonoscopies. All close friends I’ve hundreds of miles away.
I feel for all of you ❤ I've just had surgery, and had quite the meltdown when filling out the forms. I had to put two next of kin. I told the nurse 'only call them if I die'. I was lucky to have friends take me there and back but seeing families together at the hospital hurt.
After my narcissistic father passed in 2022 I went complete no contact with my sister and the rest of the family both sides. Since then it’s been difficult reliving the trauma but I feel free finally. I’m the happiest I can ever remember now. I moved out of state and started a new chapter in my life.
My husband still has the residue leftover from his narcisstic family. He has low self esteem that he and I still struggle with.
You are correct when you say going no contact is not enough. My husband's mother died in 1998 and his family disowned him, yet he is still in the loop of the aftermath.
My divorce will be final this month.
A decade knowing him. Married 9.5 years.
The signs were there all along. My denial was so great.
Now unraveling the denial has been a HUGE reveal.
Two separate court cases, family and criminal.
A no contact was advised to me.
Taken 💯
No regrets.
Thank you for this video. I was wondering why after going no contact with my mil, I still have massive anxiety. I find myself getting triggered if my husband brings her up. We are planning on moving a few thousand miles away soon and the thought of that makes me relieved. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth.
It makes total sense.❤
Ironically, I get along with my brothers' wives, but not them. Sadly, we have a bully problem in my senior/disabled Section 8/public housing building similar to my family. Now I'm "no contact" with not only my family, but the recreation room!
Head up Darling, Don't let the vultures win. In my experience, they are everywhere.😢
Wow. You do you and love yourself.❤
Thank you for this video! I've been second-guessing and questioning myself. I have been contacted by a sis-in-law that they are moving back to town. She and my brother have been cruel and are under control of my parents. I have not responded. I cannot be drawn in to that family again.
Glad it was helpful!
Going no contact was easy, I view each anniversary like a sobriety birthday. What I struggle to come to terms with 4 years later is all the CPTSD I’ve been left with as a result of my upbringing
Try to create a new family/friend group. It is what it is at this point for many of us.
Your "soul" family 😎👍
Finally! I have literally never seen a video for what to do after going no contact.
The family has never initiated contact with me. They always acted like they tolerated me, while contact was made through our mother.
Since she passed away, dead silence from everyone.
I'm sorry to hear this. It is one of my deepest fears as I see it coming. I had a complete emotional breakdown where I was contemplating ending my life, in part down to my brother's gaslighting. Even though my mum communicated how ill I was back to them, I heard nothing for four months. Still no apology or recognition of me or my needs. I'm working on distancing myself emotionally so I no longer care.
Thanks Jerry! I have done these things and I skyrocketed in my own creativity and self worth due to washing myself of them.
I completely changed after going no contact. But it was quite a long journey, and quite gradual. And staying no contact took quite a lot of focus too. The no-contact creates space for the healing if you can stick with it.
Totally
Excellent example about the family dinner. My dad invited us to a big dinner event at his house and I really don't want to go. Especially since he invited his ex-wife, who treated me like garbage and made me the family scapegoat. My father will pontificate about how he loves all his children and family. There will inevitably some invalidation about my career, military service, or his favorite line: how he loves my spouse more than me. He has used shaming language to convince people to show up such as this is the "1st time all of 'my' family will be together".
Notice the use of "my family" instead of "our family"
I hear you, 😢 .
@@marionm5311 I just replied that I won't be attending and didn't provide an explanation. Let's see how much my "No" will be respected.
"his favorite line, how he loves my spouse more than me." He's trying to drive a wedge between you two. Pure evil.
@@wordup897 thankfully my wife doesn't fall for that 'ish anymore. She gets how silly he is.
One year I gave him a gift he really liked and proceeded to express his pleasure by saying. "I loved you before but now I REALLY love you".
Last year at my kids bday party he arrives, I'm busy helping organize things he proceeds to interacting with all of the guests introduces himself to folks he doesn't know before he greets me "the host". He then says: 'Even though I didn't say hello right away, you know I love you, right!"
I have done my best to gray rock this man and limit interaction to as little as possible. Working on radical acceptance so I can start the grieving process for the father I deserved but never had.
@@eq2092,
I was just going to reply & say, "don't go!" when I read your comment.
Good for you!
If this was your best friend who was invited to yet another dreadful dinner with the family..... I'd say the same.
If you get a reply from family, questioning your non attendance, you can always reply,
"Spare me." Or better still..... don't respond.
This is very true. I lost a part of my identity somehow, when the narcissist husband left, after 20 years. I still isolate and have random memories of him and my dysfunctional family, from the past. I will need a hip replacement soon and I try to explain to the doctor I have no one to help. Most people have someone and I don't know how I ever ended up so alone. I used to be very social and have friends when I was younger. I went no contact with the ex. I also have an adult sibling I had to also go no contact with because she has always been very difficult to deal with, since the family was dysfunctional.
Thank you Jerry for bringing up issues that really resonate. You are truly doing such important work. You help so much.
If you have stare funded healthcare it should cober someone to come in and check on you. They wont offer it so you have to do your research to see what you qualify for. Good luck!! Both my dad and grandma had a hip replacement and qualified for home health to administer meds and checl up on them daily. You got this! We made it thru our childhood you can make it through this!!!!
I feel you on the hip replacement thing. I don’t have an emergency contact, either.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/?_gl=1*ikpm6d*_ga*MjA5MTU3NDA0MS4xNzEyNjI5ODk0*_ga_SLRWVRKZTP*MTcxMzY4MjkwMC4yMS4wLjE3MTM2ODI5MDIuNTguMC4w
Yeh for four years I've begged my parents to have real conversation with me and all I've got back is the cold shoulder, silent treatments, stonewalling.... so it's not that I went nc. They went NC, but they see it as my fault for trying to be heard. It's been four years now and I'm starting to wonder, why did I SO BADLYneed these ridiculous imperious toddlers to hear me ??
You have taken a big step by realizing what your parents are, good for you! Expect no more from them than you would from a 3 year old, especially when they are having a tantrum.
There you are again, Susana!
Because they’re your parents, we all want real parents, and we are trauma bonded. Sounds like you now have a good solid "who cares whether they're my parents?" and "maybe I want real parents, but Heaven knows _they'll_ never be good parents." And that trauma bond is starting to disappear. Your parents might not love you, but you’re doing a pretty good job of loving yourself.💜
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So true. Hearing you say this in an older video ("Just because you're not in contact, doesn't mean you aren't enmeshed!") was a true breakthrough for me.
I tell my mom all the time, me getting a job won't solve my family's problem.
It's past midnight now, but 'today' was the birthday of my oldest sibling, a full-blown narcissist. He's turned 64 years old. Many years he spend abusing each and everyone around him. Always in some legal battle (poor insurance company that took him in...). Always making normalcy impossible. Always seeing a hurtful disadvantage that must be avenged where others just see advantages. Living of other people's money, too entitled to hold a job for most of his adult years.
Yeah, I went no contact with him since 2015. But it stays hurtful. It stays a loss, to be mourned. Others have wise older brothers. I have a nuisance to give me a headache.
I can relate except it's my youngest brother. Dropped out of film school in Hollywood after less than a year, then turned into a full time "party boy" and lived off mom's checks. I now understand that he and my mother were co-dependents. I told them that but they didn't get it. He and his fellow bum friend found some woman in a church who took them in so he found his mommy-substitute who supposedly has $$, Good thing , as she will be paying for medical care and supporting them financially as neither of them worked enough to get SS nor Medicare. They are both now in their sixties.. Men who live off other peoples' money NEVER feel good about themselves, they just put on an act.
@@FriendofDorothy Yeah, that's a long lasting hearth-ache. Such people leave a trail of trouble :(
One if my N's keeps on sending me things. I think it is so she can talk about how bad I am since I don't respond.
No contact for 24yrs now. The 'why' they treated me so badly haunted me for a long time. Now I feel so detached from them all as I move forward in my third life working on self love. Occasionally fleetingly curious, I'm sure I'd hear if any passed. I have a strong calm base.
This is so perceptive, and gives real strategies for moving forward.
I live around the corner from them, I've gone no contact since January, and I'm determined to stick to it this time. Unless they come back to me and admit about the childhood abuse I suffered ( my siblings didn't, suffer abuse
) They all scapegoat me. I've just finished a relationship where he scapegoated me too.Plus, neighbours who are so noisy and lie. It is so difficult to stick to your guns. One thing that keeps me going is the fact that I believe God is telling me to step back for their own redemption and for my peace of mind.
It makes it easier.
I strongly suggest you move. You are still too close for them to keep an eye on you through "flying monkeys" and cause damage to your reputation. Move away with zero contact..tell no one where you are going. I wish you success and peace.
It's interesting that you say, "God is telling me to step back for their redemption and my peace of mind.". I've been sensing Him saying, "Get out of the way and let Me work.". He's saying, "I've heard your prayers; now leave it to Me to work on him, and go on with what I have given you to do.". I'm free! 😊🎉
@@RoxanneR8375 yes Roxanne, you have said your say, told them about the abuse, and it fell into the empty soulless pit that they possess. Let God deal with ppl this dark...it is not safe for you to do it. Move away and find your peace. You cannot benefit anyone else until you look after yourself..sadly this means losing them to do so. I pray for your peace, happiness and well-being.
There is a block and tackle aspect missing. You need to make yourself unfindable, because they’ll be back, right around the time they need a kidney, etc.
I went no contact and paid an online service to remove my personal data and address. Unfortunately, they still found my address on one website and told my siblings so now they all have my address even when I moved to a new state. Now I get passive aggressive cards from them, so they continue to stalk me no matter where I go!
You may have to actually change your name.
Hey what service lol i need to do that in future!!!!
You can also put return to sender on the envelope and send it back.
Write RETURN TO SENDER, DO NOT OPEN ANY MAIL from them and that she bring an eventual end to it...if not, move again and ensure ALL data containing your whereabouts is removed.
Same issue. Move and still get mail from them. Aunt I cut off sent me 8 copies of am obituary for another realative.
Our bodies telling us its not the complete solution.
Good day, the comments have all been very encouraging. God Bless you all.
OK this made sense, a quote in the book(movie) "The Affair" she was explaining automatic reaction..."just like a automatic reaction to danger, I knew the stroller was rolling without even looking to see it start to roll, I just ran to prevent the danger...."
Similar to the automatic instincts one has in a triggering or relationships tha aren't real emotionally positive. Your body and mind just stays in auto pilot, for years after the threat isn't there.
Good therapy Mr Wise. You should write a book lol
I am. Thank you for watching
00:00 🧠 Going no contact with narcissistic parents is just the beginning of resolving issues, akin to divorce which involves legal, emotional, and physical aspects.
01:18 🛡️ No contact allows individuals to start having contact with themselves, essential for personal growth.
02:04 💼 Emotional detachment is crucial in breaking free from family influence and discovering one's true self.
03:38 🧘 Lowering reactivity and increasing calmness are key in moving beyond no contact and continuing the healing process.
05:00 🚀 Continuing the healing journey beyond no contact is essential, and resources like the "Road to Self" online program can aid in this process.
Boom 💥
@@0rrin What?
@@dameanvil Thanks for the summary 💯
@@0rrin Oh, thank you!
The way jerry talks with so much empathy,, is so touching empathy is something i forgot how it feels i can be crying and people just pass me by like a shadow like i dont exist
Thank you for the kind words 🫂
You exist!! Thank you for sharing how you feel, Never ever give up!!
I visited my parents graves a while back. I was going to pee onit but people were there.
FTW
I was so lost I didn’t even have a self; well into adulthood- I was narcissist bait and couldn’t say no.
Really- FTW
I see things now.
Thanks you for this, I'm not alone.
I can totally relate to wanting to pee on my parents grave... thanks for sharing this... makes me feel slightly less alone...
Well you can always 💩 too remember🤗.
Ha ha! Grave peeing is a common thing, I guess!
@@jennifergriffin5467 - It is symbolic. When you realize your parents didn’t prepare you for life; in fact may have undermined everything.
Not really funny…
Thank you Jerry. I do want to look at that course this evening. Listening to you, has helped me so much in validating my feelings and I'm not as they would say " crazy ,for thinking that, or overly sensitive." 💕🕊️
resonates, painful, much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
i must stop being reactive
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Me too
i cant no contact. they emotionally abused me, but they still fed and kept a roof over my head.
I spent too many years eating their foods and them "taking care" of me before I decided to go no contact.
They have used guilt to manipulate you exactly how they want. Your mind has been imprisoned, and you can't even see the bars.
So? That's what a state home would do. It's not something to keep you tethered to people who give you nothing else and make you feel bad. That'd their brainwashing and abuse talking. Emotional neglect is abuse.
You’ll do it when you learn that wasn’t enough. They put you on this earth, they have loved and protected you too.
So true, it is just the beginning. You have to mentally pick apart what happened to you and then emotionally heal as much of the damage as you can. But you will have scars no matter what. I grieve that I had to spend so much time and energy having to deal with this issue instead of all the other beautiful things I might have accomplished with my talent, intelligence and compassion. The most powerful emotional experience I had as a recovering adult was the experience of having and raising my children. Knowing how much I loved them and wanted to protect them made me realize just how awful my early childhood really was. It broke my heart. Being able to give my children the love I never had was healing.
This probably falls into some of the other categories that you mentioned but I would add "accepting unacceptable behavior." I get what you are saying about emotional detachment. I still want to be sensitive to what unacceptable behavior is. If someone cuts me off in traffic or if I am lied to I still want to feel it. I can go into that calm place but still not lie to myself about those people NOT being dangerous.
I was already different I was born independent I didn’t agree/had my own mind so no heartache for me I was already my own person. Everything is different when you’re innately independent psychology doesn’t apply it’s nature that’s in control
What a great topic! It drew me in fast! We definitely suffer after breaking all contact! I felt tormented for years! Seems like I am in recovery for rest of my life!
Thanks for watching!
Therapy for me has been key to finding peace.
Going no contact feels very uncomfortable. It is the first step to choosing what is best for one's self. There is a lot to heal within before a healthy time to reconcile can become possible. Learning to love the self must be our basis for the love we give and the love we receive from others. Fear and guilt based interactions feel terrible and are not loving. Control and coercion are not love either. We can choose to love ourselves more than others have loved us in the past. Not arrogance nor living as a self that is debased, but love of self is a peaceful way to live. From this place of peace, we can change our input. Even if our current input needs to be nothing at this time. No contact is not a punishment. No contact is a time of self renewal and reflection. A prayerful no contact is very healing for ourselves. And that is the only person we can ever change; our self. And there is plenty to do if we want to enjoy life more. When people love us, they want us to enjoy life. When we love people, we want them to enjoy life too.
This is such a valuable video...no contact is just getting oxygen...the real work is relearning everything about emotional health and self care or you'll just keep attracting the same types or forever be filled with self hate
Going no contact is the beginning. Then you need to LET GO of the past and start over!!
Thank you for this validation of going no contact. I decided in my middle twenties that I had to break contact with my father who was a narcissist and physically abusive. But I do agree in the process of becoming “me”! It takes time and at least for me. I still check in with my therapist and take medication if needed. But the best part is that I chose my own life! I married the kindest man and we have been married for decades. I have a happy life. I feel certain it would be a lot less happy if I didn’t break away.
Thank you for watching!😊
I needed this video.
Be wise, love that ❤
You are such a light to people suffering in confusing systems that are crazy making. This stuff is so hard to figure out for most ppl but you give a roadmap.
I really appreciate how concise you are becoming!!
So true! A lot of work has to be done. I’m 3 years no contact with my narcissist family system as a scapegoat. Layers on layers. Gets better over time and the more you work !
Much appreciated! 🌹
I have had to cut family off multiple time over the last 20 years. The hardest thing for me was each of the times I went no contact with my mom and my oldest daughter- I have two. The guilt I felt about doing it was so bad, I had a physical reaction to it that put me in the hospital TWICE. Once 10 years ago, and then last fall. That was my final time hearing a doctor tell me that stress was going to kill me. I had to make peace with it, and choose to love me more than I did them, because loving them was literally killing me. I'm slowly coming off of meds- doc says I'm doing much better, my hair is growing back/not falling out, I'm losing weight, I am starting to get my appetite back, and I don't have this overwhelming anxiety all day, every day anymore. I'm getting back to myself; I still cry once in a while, because I'm mourning the loss. I'm so thankful for my youngest daughter and my husband for loving me through this, and being a healthy support system, they had been telling me to let go for years.
True true ....absolutely Truth!
Thank you Jerry! I am exactly in that learning phase.... 1 year after no contact (the most peaceful time in my life) the healing goes on..... much love from Germany
You make a very valid point even when you have went no contact it's hard to really separate because of the emotions and the programming that took place along with other factors but after you have done serious inner work within yourself and have learned yourself meaning how your thoughts have either helped you or hindered you will help you bring about the realization of what's really been going on and the cause and effect of it all you gain strength through understanding which helps you to move on with your life you will always remember things that you really don't want to. But that is what memory is for and it should make you wiser in making decisions going forward.
Thank God for you, you have been a blessing!
I am so grateful for the length of your videos and this information.
I'm so glad!
Thank you for this video .. I know I am healing from his video .. as I am lowering my reaction and I agree about the calmness am again working on that and I did what you said .. I didn’t go to a family function .. I know i will be talked about .. however experienced too many rages at me and no more .. don’t care now .. love this video .. very validating.. thank you ❤
Perfect wisdom. I have lived everything you said.
I am learning sooo much from you and others online that do the wonderful things you do. I’m 60 and sometimes get so angry that I’m only learning this now. And on the other hand know that I’m so grateful that I can live the remainder of my life with this knowledge and able to stop the pain with the more that I learn. So grateful for you and others like you.
You are so welcome
My own mom was basically sold into slavery by my grandparents during the depression. She was 11 to 13. Cook cleaned for two old people. When she wasn't at school she was working for them. I would have never forgiven the. My mom said if I could help mommy and daddy by doing that I was happy to do it. What. Kids today would never do that
YES! Calmness is everything. Jerry, after I watched that video a lot changed sooooo quickly ! I felt like I instantly received a super power. ❤
Wonderful!
So much truth! Great points and valuable insights.
Glad you think so!
Thank you again for sharing your wisdom and expertise!
✌❤🌎