Is It Time to Stop Saving The Marriage And Save Yourself?
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- Опубликовано: 26 окт 2024
- Today Samuel discusses a critical step in recovery after an affair...saving yourself.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I have been drowning grief. This is the most helpful, empowering video i have watched out of all AR videos. This channel has been a real lifeline for me. I am so grateful for you all.
I’m trying harder to save my marriage instead of saving myself! It’s going to change TODAY
Thank you for this message. It's been 20 days and I've already heard "let it go" and "are we trying to move past this or not?" I haven't even had time to process being blind-sided and my world being turned upside down. 😥
Unfaithful spouse here. I find myself doing this to my wife. I’m ashamed of my response to so much anger. It’s scary living every moment like it’s your last together. Not knowing which argument is the final argument. It’s so hard to just listen
@@sibelius4671 Well, 2 months later I can say that we are making amazing progress! We're committed to moving past this. Better days ahead. ❤️ Keep trying if this is what you REALLY want. Good luck!
Ya mine still does that. It's been 5 years.
I am ready to start saving myself. I’m exhausted from trying to bring life back into my marriage. My husband just wants me to get over it. How ironic that his 3 year affair destroyed our family And I need to just forgive and forget.
🙈
After 2 years of trying to make my marriage work after his betrayal, I realized he just doesn't care what I do. If I get a divorce? Oh well. He doesn't care. There's nothing there. I can't believe it took me so long to see it.
You guys have been great in helping save my marriage. However, since my wife continued to have multiple affairs. This very video told me it was time to move on. It was extremely painful, but I got my life back. Even though it resulted in a divorce
I'm very sorry for the outcome, but so glad I could help you walk this out. I know it's excruciating and I'm very sorry for that.
i too went though hell because my wife continued to have multiple affairs i dealt with that for 37 years, the first 20 years was because of the kids, after that i just got use to the affairs, and lie's. i finely got it ,after so many years of trying to save the marriage. than one nite god came again in my life ,i just shouted out i didn't want to save my marriage and all the hate i had at my wife just lifted up and and haven't felt this much joy and releaft
Betraying your spouse postpartum when they've just had your baby is evil and abusive. Yikes!
My wife was cheating less 40 days after giving birth. She wouldn’t even let me see her naked and she slept with 3 men. Evil.
My husband started it when I was 8 months pregnant. I've tried to rescue it again and again and all he has done has continued to lie to me. I've had so many promises. Currently stuck on holiday and caught even more disgusting messages on his phone to her. He's revolting. And I need to leave. Not is time. I'm still in shock absorbing things but he's sick. He has put me through so much trauma and put only himself first.
I stayed 9 days after discovery. Losing 28 lbs in 9 days is not fun. Having your spouse not even care if you struggle to understand why she’s having an affair and not wanting to stop it while you’re still at the house is more than I can bear. Two days after discovery she asked for a divorce and I’ve been healing ever since.
I will never put myself in harms way again and will avoid her until The end.
Wow! She sounds like someone I know... when you stop making the unfaithful husband the priority, and focus on self but still have a positive attitude and a sense of empowerment & self-worth, then he gets the message!
my wife did that and it did make me get the message as well and was working on things when she decided to have her own affair. i feel even more broken now having come to the truth of what i did and now having to wade throught the trauma of being betrayed again by her
@kmilli0313 Now, unfortunately, you know what you put her thru firsthand.
I can totally relate. My husband although a good man who is truly repentantive won't give me the emotional support or understanding for my triggers. Our marriage doesn't seem to be able move forward
Beauty for ashes: He’s not “truly repentant” if he’s not giving you “emotional support or understanding”. Without repair, restitution or emotional support, he’s just pretending in order to look like the “good guy”. All of the “I’m sorries” mean nothing without action that show you that your feelings matter to him. Words without actions is nothing more than manipulation. I’m sorry but we’re in the same boat and that’s why we’re not moving forward. Our husbands aren’t yet safe enough to move forward with! They need to show that our feelings are more important than their discomfort of our pain that they caused. I’ll pray for you.
This is a good reminder. I’m saving myself. I no longer have a desire to save the marriage. I won’t send him anymore videos, although he bought a book on his own, and I won’t insist he do individual therapy even though we are in couples therapy. . If he wants to pursue me then so be it. If not, I will survive. After all my last marriage I survived multiple affairs and severe abuse of all kinds.
I really appreciate your whole series. It is hurting so bad my heart physically is broken
i'm sorry carolyn. you can heal though. you can find life again. let the grieving do its work, but you still have life ahead of you. it's not over and you're not done.
Mine too! Even my muscles 😞 so painful being cheated! My husband has a emotional affair and I’m broken, I cry every day and every time! So hard to heal! We’re still home and I don’t know what to do
This is the best video you ever made.... I'm on the verge of tears... My God you said it all. Thank you.
you're very kind. thank you so much for the encouragement.
I’m too 😞 hang in there, it will not last forever!! My heart is broken so is my mind, I’m holding on Christ , lots of prayers, reading... He can heal anyone!!!!!! So hard, so hard
Thank you so much for addressing this. I've been married 20 year's. 6 year's into our marriage I began feeling in spirit that my husband was cheating but never had proof. Then I accidentally discovered he had been watching pornography. In 2013 he began having an emotional affair with a coworker that lasted for two year's but he kept denying it. When the truth came out in 2015 he quit his job but blamed me for it. He was caught watching pornography once again .
Then in March of 2017 he began having an affair with a Woman and got her pregnant. I had been praying that GOD would bring his sin to the light because I knew something was going on. While he was having an ongoing affair , he also had sex with 3 other women. I just discovered all of this on September 26th, 2017. He did not come forward with his infidelity. He was caught in it. This is where I have to say enough is enough. And start focusing on my own trauma recovery.
I've really enjoyed your videos they've helped me through the healing process.
You and Samantha have blessed me with knowledge and understanding.
Thank you for the work that you both are doing
hi Iva. you're incredibly kind to post that, even though you're walking through your own pain and hurt. i'm so glad you found us and are here. i'm sorry for the pain you're walking through and i sure hope you're able to find healing for you and your own recovery. God will never waste our sorrow....he just never will. but it's sorrow nonetheless and you have to walk through it slowly but surely with his grace. i'll be praying for you. so glad you found the video blog.
I did not try to save no marriage. The moment I found out she left the house for good. Its wasted time because they cannot undo their betrayal. She can redeem herself somewhere else.
Well keep in mind this is and always will be a spiritual battle. Remember the battle is not flesh and blood. Therefore we must take our eyes off our spouse. The war is fought in the unseen realm. The devil is a lying to you if you continue to blame only what you can see in your five senses. Biblical love is unconditional.
David said in the psalms" it is only you oh Lord that I have sinned against. Remember God will fight for you. You need only be still. We must save our selves and leave our spouse to God. Jesus is our redeemer and restores all the enemy of our soul has stolen.
mark, thanks for sharing that, please keep in mind, at least half of our viewers do not come from faith. and, even those that do come from faith, can't really handle an oversimplified answer. thanks for encouraging those that come from faith, but please keep in mind there isn't an easy button for those in crisis.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you for your response. I want to let you know that I am walking out what I said and believe. My wife walked out 14 months ago. I have not seen her face or talk to her since she left. I trust God exclusively. I believe it's a blessing that we have no contact. That way when God works it out he will get all the credit. Blessed is the man(women) who trusts in the Father. Jesus died for all our infirmity. God will fight for us if we trust him!!
Thank you. I needed to see this right now in 2021.Both this video and this comment. I just took a blow to the heart and this just gave me my wind back.
Omg I’m chasing the pit bull with a defibrillator. Thank you! That sunk in. No wonder the gaslighting works - because this is crazy. A crazy making situation. Why would I want to stay in that let alone drag our kids through more insanity?
Thank you soo much for adressing this question. it sorts out a lot of the confusion I had for myself dealing with an unfaithful who has refused to join me in recovery.
I understand what you are going through. the best to you
After 28 years and not wanting to admit that you have come to the end of the rope you still want to hang on,but you can feel your hands slipping off the end of the rope. Maybe it is time to let go.....you can survive...once you come to terms with that you just let go the end...
I think that's where I'm at. I'm more afraid to be alone, than thinking there's much to salvage. I only have a comparative 10 years in, but my health is poor and I can't run the house we bought by myself. It's much more practical than love, and likely the same for him.
Thank you it’s been a couple years since my husband had multiple emotional affairs for a couple years. Finally the last one I was done he couldn’t blame them on me any longer I was done and deserved more but I stayed because he said it would get better but I never got to get over anything because I was and am still not allowed to bring it up cause he knows the mistakes he made. But still years later I’m not over it and I ask him all the time if he’s doing anything behind my back and he tells me he’s not and soon I’ll realize he’s not doing anything anymore but I can’t !
I am in the same situation. Three years and just now I can't take it any longer. I think he finally admitted that he is wrong and what he did was wrong. I have no idea where it will go from here as we are just starting to get help. But honestly I feel I have lost all my feelings for him and our marriage, my heart can only be broeso many times. I don't see how trusting is even possible
After 12 months he has shut down and is giving me nothing but tells me he loves and wants me but does nothing to show me .
This is where I'm at. It will be one year in few days that I found out about my husbands emotional affair. I'm getting mixed signals from him. He's acting like he's with me in reconciliation. Then yesterday, I checked his email and found a reply he sent to his brother who approached him about his "affair". He flat out told him that he did not have an affair. I thought that he understood that an emotional affair WAS an affair. He gave me no real answer as to why he said that. Got mad at me for reading the
email between his brother and he like I violated him. I demanded he write his brother back and tell him the truth. I felt like he threw me under the bus. Anyhow, this is good advice. I decided I'm going to focus on me. I'm taking my time with me now. Not him.
so glad you're here j. eileen. one day at a time my friend. i know it's tough but take it slow.
I have never married. I’ve watched this series and was weeping. I now think that it’s better for me to remain alone with no relationships rather than possibly risk going through the sheer horror of what all of you have been through. I no longer believe that marriage or relationships are worthwhile.
That's so unfortunate. Most relationships don't involve cheating. It's thankfully still the exception, not the rule.
It's been almost a month now since my unfaithful husband left me. Its traumatizing, I was so devastated and hurt that he didnt even try to save our marriage. We just hot married last year. It was on and off relationship to begin with because of his wondering eyes.. I thought he will change and so i just kept on forgiving him..but starting June this year, he admitted that start having an affair with someone whom he met online. It thorn me apart my world all of a sudden just crumbled. When he left, I realized that maybe, its for the best that we are separated coz its doesnt seem like he felt any remorse about his affair. I picked up myself together, started making plans for myself and my own future? I Started joining different ministries from our church and surrounded myself with positive people that truly cares for me. So far I feel like ik healing well. Slowly but at least theres some progress. God is has been so gracious and healing my pain and I know He's been holding my life back together. thank you Samuel for your blogs. It really helped me a lot
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I hope you have been able to move on with your life and start over.
This is exactly what I did, once my spouse had an affair with his coworker I've moved on, with that being said, its been two years and they are living together. He is still angry and has a control of my son financially that I feel is terrible and I can't understand why, all I wanted to do was remain friends for our son's.
I cry watching this, only Christ can heal our hearts and soul after a affair, it’s so hard to forgive, to save! Omg! Hard to take care of myself, I just want to sleep and cry 😞 and be away from him!!
Katie Anderson love urself first. Keep focused on God’s words. Stay connected to God. Sending prayers to you.
How do you get your spouse to talk, be honest, and stay in the marriage? He just keeps telling me he doesn’t want help. He wants to focus on him and do what he wants to do. He cheated and wants me to wait around so he can get this “wild” out of his system. He even told me that if I wait I wait and if I don’t then it’s on me not him. I’m in so much pain. I can’t understand. I’m not able to eat, sleep, or focus. I don’t understand how someone can be so cruel but yet tell me they love me and are just screwed up.
it's terrible pain i know. to me, he does not seem like a safe individual at all. he seems unsafe and is not showing any signs of empathy, remorse or humility my friend. those are all red flags indeed. here are two resources I would highly encourage you to utilize in your life: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change there's no reason you need to keep subjecting yourself to that level of hurt, pain and disregard for your own well being. i'm sorry you're in this position.
Wow! I really needed to hear this. Thank you.
Let God/Source/The Creator handle your unfaithful spouse and focus on what is right for you! This really works!
My husband just told me that he was just pressured to marry me.. now it feels like a bunch of ice were poured on my head.. I feel devastated... I thought it was all out of love..
if you find the video I did on rewriting history, it will explain more about why he may be saying that to you.
I've heard the same thing.
This is a good one. That’s what I am doing and I am finally, just barely starting to move in the right direction for ME!
We must always put on our own Life Vest first before trying to save anything that depends on what someone else does even if it's not a marriage. Some people will use you like a human life preserver for years, sadly, if you let them😫
Hey, if you see a change you can always date them after the separation. But, not unless you 👀 change from a safe distance.
Fool me once, shame on you👉🏾
This what I'm passing through right now, I'm scared to live him because of the my children, I'm living with him in his contry I don't have any relatives here but his abusing me too I want to run away to go back to my country now the problem is my children 😭😭😭
hi alice, i'm so sorry for the pain and loneliness. are you able to consider a group like this you can join? it's an online group so you can do it from anywhere you can get to a phone and/or internet connection: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
Thank you so much for this video. My spouse and I have been separated for a year now after I took the stance that I was going to work on me and let him and God work on him. I was going to get out of God's way with my spouse. I've been working on my recovery but I'm seeing now that I've been in a holding pattern too, waiting to see what he would do. My year lease from the original separation is up and it's time for me to stop trying to save my marriage. I have myself and 3 kids to get through this and we can "get through" if we sit in the middle and wait.
Multi layered betrayal: he’s an alcoholic refusing to get help with his addiction- sure he finally submitted his assessment to the addiction counselor bc I got so mad at his BS words. 2 years- 2 women- affair 7 mos ago where the AW dropped off a package of his boxers from the week before. Lies upon lies during our 6 mos separation thinking he was working on himself yet stil being with her after seeing his son and I. Now- saying he’ll do it his way. We’re at month 7- I’ve been in therapy and reading and watching videos staying for our son but I’m losing hope. I’m numb. I’m disgusted at his character and his unwillingness to make this a priority. Maybe it’s time to just call it bc I don’t trust he’ll do anything- why should he- he’s back in the house- gets sex sometimes and it’s just all gross without words!!! I need clarity and movement. I’m getting to where I’ve turned all the stones over- without him on board to professional help- it’s just not going to work. Small fruits but at the cost of ME being patient for him. WTF? I feel trapped
Thank u so much for this video I’m to a point in my life that i hurts to leave but it also hurts to stay
Sonia Chinchilla I was like that, I just left after 13 years of emotional, psychological, financial abuse and of course cheating (at least three times); but it hurts so much I literally feel that I can’t breathe. I can’t help but think I didn’t do enough.
I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
After fourteen years of marriage, last May I found out my husband had been having an affair, but not only that, he had become an alcoholic and drug addict. He continued to lie about the nature of the affair for three more months before it all came out. So he has been a recovering alcoholic/addict, (as well as the adult child of two severe alcoholics who actively caused trouble in our marriage), has been active in AA, and with each passing month he is getting meaner and more aggressive toward me. He will not longer go to our couples therapist because she stopped him from yelling at me one session, and he is furious because I won’t do as he demands. (I am seeing two doctors, but he insists I have to go to AlAnon instead). He didn’t seem to mind ending the affair, but cannot imagine why, only four months after the second disclosure that I can’t just get past it all. He is actually starting to lash out irrationally at me, and is short tempered with our little boys. I am drowning in these problems he created, and no he is blaming me for absolutely everything. I don’t want a divorce, but I am losing the last shreds of hope that there is any other option.
Wow! What an ”upholding" message for both spouses to head! Thank you!
What do I do if my wife is still having an affair and won't confess to what we both know is going on
it would appear to me that you need to consider separation my friend, and also enforcing boundaries for your own well being.
People would rather save their money, than themselves.
Your best video, Sam.
My wife ended the marriage for non biblical reasons. Now I’m having to heal and recover from it.
Thanks i findlay did this and once I said It I felt this overwhelmed feeling
I hope everyone can heal from their betrayal trauma. I chose Divorce after the discovery of everything and still my Ex-husband chose to keep lying. Cheating is a choice to destroy you, your spouse and your children. Most times once a cheater always a cheater. You cannot build with someone who choose to betray, lie, deceive, and manipulate you and choose to lose your trust over a momentary fuck!!! It's just sad. 11 years together and 7 married my Ex-husband cheated the whole time. Lord help me and other people who are struggling.
thanks for this video. at the certain stage of the marital crisis a betrayed partner must say this ...I´ll save myself ... and in many cases this step can save the marriage itself.
Not even close to me needing to save anyone from anything. I just turn the breaker switch off and emotionalless like magic I do want another toaster to throw away so I will be able to return to balance and alone once again
Learned of more than 30 affairs most were not physical but a handful of them were. some of the affairs lasted the lenth of the marriage, over an 18yr period.- Disclosure 5 months ago. Still reeling. -how much damage is too much to heal?
do y'all have a program to counsel those that are traumatized? I really need help
for real trauma, you may want to find a professional certified in what's called EMDR which is a form of treatment for PTSD and overall trauma. the best we can do for you is called the harboring hope course for betrayed spouses found here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i'm sorry for the pain you're in but the site will help immensely.
also sorry for the delay, i wasn't receiving notifications.
I am the one who cheated.... he said he wanted to work things out....i feel like i have been trying all on my own for the both of us.. im emotionally spent.. i dont feel that he truly wants to work it out... i feel stuck very stuck. Please help.
get some help my friend. you can't do it on your own. go to affairrecovery.com and look at the courses and see what you think. try the free bootcamp as well which you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp there is a lot on the site that can help you both.
Hello Samuel
Which courses on recovery do you recommend i listen to for betrayed spouse as myself since I feel stuck. I feel as I am carrying the majority of the weight and my spouse does not appear to want to change in many areas thank you Mike
I am also very vstuck
@@michaelsalas7837 here is the course for the betrayed spouse michael: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i hope it helps you my friend. it's a great course for the betrayed spouse.
I've reached this point.
17 years is that long enough? Of habitual cheating
certainly sounds like it.
Exactly where I am. And it’s been about almost two weeks since I decided to make moves to save myself. It’s amazing that I just seen this video even though I had previously saved it.
Right now, I am trying to do both but with more emphasis on saving myself. It's been almost 6 months since my husband dropped a bomb on me about not loving me as a wife anymore and possibly wanting a divorce. At the time, I was devastated and confused but I put the pieces together and figured out that he is having a massive midlfe crisis of the most destructive kind (I've done some research on midlife crisis) and also that he was having an affair with a "mutual" friend. He has not admitted to it and I haven't confronted him about it because all the midlife crisis research I've done advised me to not confront him about his affair. And that it really was only a symptom of the bigger problem i.e. midlife crisis. I have found your videos very helpeful. My husband abandoned us a week after he dropped his bomb. Our 22 year old son lives with us. And I was left reeling. Thankfully I found an amazing therapist who has helped me tremendously towards "saving myself". I have recently started very carefully re-engaging my husband in trying to make things more peaceful between us. We were only communicating via text or emal and our communications had started to get more and more hostile. I put a stop to that and asked to be more compassionate with each other and have somehow managed to make a small chink in his midlife crisis armor. I know he won't listen to me about anything that has to do about our relationship because his brain is still in an irrational place where he has rewriteen history and turned me into a villain so what I'm trying to demonstrate to him with my demeanor and behavior is that I am NOT the villain he makes me out to be. I'm hoping this is the right approach because I do want to save my marriage and right now if I'm not careful, he will start a divorce process. I know his affair partner with abandon him at some point (hopefully sooner rather than later) because she is not the type to stick to one man. I can't really approach him about reovery work until he starts to wake up from his midlife crisis. So do you think this is the right way towards saving my marriage. I probably will take a look at your bootcamp once I am home from a trip I planned for the holiday season. This has been an incredibly difficult journey and I am also trying to recover from teh PTSD that his behavior has caused. But I have been working very hard to save myself and find myself in this whole mess.
thank you, i need to really save myself .. i have to think of myself first.
karen rachel its really true..
good for you
Yes I should have saved myself long ago.
Well done!
Thank you! Your videos resonate.
just found out my husband who committed adultery 4 years ago is looking at filthy youtube videos again...caught out ...i am over him thinking this is not bad. ..what do I do 😐 in melbourne australia pls we are Christians where can we do your course
here is the course I'd recommend for him: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing this is a course I'd recommend for both of you if you're looking to do something together: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online I'm very sorry for the delay as I wasn't receiving notifications for some reason, but I hope the course and site helps you. you can do this immediately as it's free and over 7 days called our free seven day bootcamp program for both of you: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
1:29 exactly!
Yes
That is what I am going to do
Truth
Yes finally something to pay attention 2 . got save this listen again.makeing arangement to stay in kids life don't want to b perused by her
The level of TRAUMA is at the top of the trauma scale.
There needs to be more videos like this. Especially from faith