In reality what is perceived as the perfect charismatic Hollywood type date conversations is the culmination of the work of several professional script writers along with the delivery of professional actors over several takes and then displayed in one smooth take. For a normal person to want achieve that all by themselves in unrealistic.
From experience, the good date conversations DO happen, but only when both of you are on the same page and feel equal levels of high interest. It's easy to talk to someone who wants you, and vice versa, because you don't run out of things to say when the enthusiasm and motivation to put in effort and make a relationship there is ultimately what drives it. People will sell you on how you can make yourself more appealing, and while I think it's worth the effort to try to be a "better dater", you also can't force desire or attraction. I do also think that sometimes people have unrealistic expectations for first dates. When I have a first date, I expect it to be a little awkward, but unfortunately a lot of people see that as a sign there is no spark. Although to be fair, the "I'm nervous and don't wanna mess this up but I'm acting embarrassing because of that" awkward is different from "we're both really bored of each other and have nothing to say" awkward.
I recently lost my virginity at 27 to a tinder hookup. For the longest time this was my biggest insecurity and to say the least, my profile and behavior on tinder was just....fake just because I was so desperate to finally get it over with. All I can say is that it ultimately wasn't worth it. I won't say the experience was bad....but It also wasn't amazing either. All it left me with is how meaningless it ultimately was. I'm still the same, person with the same feelings and insecurities. Having sex didn't suddenly change me as a person or make me feel better. All I can say to anyone that might relate to this is....there's really no rush. Having sex won't suddenly change you or your self esteem. I wish I had honestly just waited to be with someone I cared about first.
I can relate to what you said and I respect you for saying it. In the long run, nothing replaces being satisfied with oneself. If somebody isn't satisfied with being alone, then a relationship probably isn't the answer.
Speaking from my experience, having sex did make my insecurity about never having had sex go away. Didn't fix anything else (which I didn't expect it to) but it fixed this particular thing. The same with smoking pot, though I wouldn't want to go through the experience ever again, it's just not for me.
I feel you,lost my V-card 8months back at 32y, wasn´t with a tinder hookup couldn´t get one so i took the path of exchaning currency for intamincy (it´s legal where i live). Actually did it a few times by now and if anything it made my situaion even worse and me relize how bad my pron addiction is after all these years. Moral of the story sex is way overrated in our sociecty pron really screws up your mind on the long term. I´m trying to fix this stuff atm but it´s struggle when you got high testeroneand a high sex drive through eating clean and lifting weights serveral times a week.
Losing my virginity was very meh aswell as it is for most people who are sexually in experienced. I lost mine at 13 to a 18yr old woman in the 12th grade... my experience was out in the open in a graveyard. So if you think a tinder date hook up is embarrassing I would 10000000% take that over what I got.
That would be super interesting! I’ve been on Tinder and found the love of my life, so makes me wonder if someone else has had an experience like mine.
This format is really incredible, real people in real conversations and you can relate to different people on different levels. Almost like learning from your friends mistake. Keep this coming dr k
Matt's talk (caller 1) had so much growth! he then mentions that he started going to therapy and honestly, we stan for a king that goes to therapy. Good for you, my dude 👏👏👏
I think a problem for many single people is that the urge to start dating comes when they feel lonely, and they act, not because they are ready or want someone to share experiences in life with but because they NEED someone to dampen their loneliness. I have thrown myself in the arms of the first guy that showed interest after my first relationship ended, and i did this, again, and again, and again, until i sat myself down and asked wtf i was doing and why i felt like i needed company from someone i barely knew. Some of these guys sounds like they figured out what they needed before going into a new relationship, and they found out that the fake persona we all put on at times can work for some situations, but not relationships. What i often hear from my single friends is that they are looking high and low, but when i question them on what they swipe right and left on i see a tendency to want the "slim pretty girls" or the "ripped gym guy" but never even giving a chance to the "average" or "cute" people, they don't think a bout having stuff in common or having the same "vibe" they only judge on the looks, which often do not really result in good matches.. (No hate if you're the slim pretty girl or the ripped gym guy! You are just as wholesome and amazing as everybody else!) I have a feeling that the 3rd guy is coming on strong when he confesses or checking up on how a girl is doing. My experience is that telling someone you like them is way too much commitment too early on, its better to say "hey i really enjoy our conversations, i hope we can keep on having them" as it is more relaxed and inviting and you get to say how you feel. Sometimes, we feel entitled to a response to what we write, but blocking a person because they don't answer the how are you doing or are you still sick question is a little much of an overreaction, my advice is, give it one more message a couple of days later, and don't block the person? When I'm sick, I often don't look or answer peoples messages unless its important, but i do play computer, and sometimes i chat with my gaming buddy, because that gives me energy, if my friends would get mad about that, they would be mad at me often, sometimes i just don't have the energy to have a conversation with my best friend.. Different people gives and takes different amounts of energy and when you are getting to know someone, it can sometimes take more, not meaning that its bad, but it is hard work :)
@@indigo5577 It is but if the only type you go for i a tall blonde girl with big boobs and long nails, or the tall chizzeld guy with a tan and big brown eyes, you kinda narrow it so much down that its very specific type, a type that might not be interested in even speaking with you. My point is look around you, look at your hobbies, see the people you DO spend time with and ask yourself who would fit into my life, and go for that instead of choosing love based on a look only, because that i how online dating works..
@Indigo it is. But imo I find it doesn't matter how attractive is. If the person doesn't a good personality and click with me... looks doesn't really matter. I guess unless you're looking for a one night stand. Personality gives substance and provides you with similar interests, hobbies and/or outlooks You don't need everything to be the same but I would say what that's more important than looks
This. My type isn't the ripped gym guys, I like nerds. And I've never been the pretty/hot girl I was always invinceble to guys. And those two things combined made me jump to the first guy who showed the tiniest knowledge of me. And after a couple of months his behaviour and treatment of me took a dark turn. This happened a second time to, and it was after that I was like "How could I fall for the same type again?!", and then I started figuring all of that out. Luckily I've never struggle with lonliness, so I'm fine on my own. Would love to experience genuine true love, instead of abuse/exploitation, but I much rather stay single until I know I have learned to not fall for the wrong people.
@@ChrissyCat87 or maybe stop being passive and start approaching guys yourself. Your bad experiences and your loneliness are your own fault if you always just wait for things to happen.
The secondhand cringe from making a profile died out after a few weeks, and then the disapointment kinda creeps in. On the plus side, you don't ever feel like you're putting yourself out there, because you're just casting your likes into a black hole. It feels more like a pettier version of job hunting. Well that's my Hinge experience so far.
I can understand that feeling big time man. I've been dealing with something similar. After talking with some peeps about it, I get the feeling like you might just be ready when your ready. The more we invest in thinking about it sometimes gets in the way of us moving forward.
@@bobbywhite5319 if it’s cringe from something you’re doing it isn’t secondhand. secondhand implies cringing because of putting yourself in someone’s shoes.
Flo here, I'm the 3rd guy calling in. One nuance I forgot to mention was few of the girls I sorta dated (which ended up ghosting , suddenly disinterested) recently past few months are from irl not online dating. Met them in a coffee shop, bar, approaching them in a park etc, mutual friend group . That said I really felt better after the call, did introspection on "the chadflo doesn't fear the betaflo" . Owning the part that I deemed is weak inside me. Also I started dating again met this girl in a mall and I just started talking and having her like me, just being myself owning up all my flaws, also owning my strength. I am both confident and same time emotional. Owning that my value come from within and I deserve love like everyone else. Perhaps the problem back then I ran into was emotionally I was still not confident the emotional side and girls feel that insecurity. Now I owned it, I'm not sure if this make sense but it does inside my head. *Also it was 2am when I talking to drK so I was really tired but excited* Edit : I don't think you guys understand how many guys are very clueless when it comes to taking photos. I seen many dude that is better looking than me struggle because they dont know how to convey personality. Smile , big smile, if you have a pet include it inside your photo. A simple tweak can make you standout. Also no bathroom selfie
I think sometimes we go after the people who just aren’t for us. I can say that I personally prefer people who are genuinely themselves. People are flawed. I don’t want someone who appears “perfect”, because that is impossible. Maybe it’s because I’m going through a divorce and my mindset has changed and now I know more about what exactly I want out of a relationship.
I watch this not only for the great conversations, but also to study conversational technique as a student of Psychology myself. I learn so much by watching this, open questions, paraphrasing, small encouragements etc. It's worth so much for me, so thank you for having a great channel Dr K🥰
This was super helpful! As a 38-year-old single woman trying to navigate dating apps for the last 8 years, it has been an absolute nightmare. I hate to find solitude in others' misfortunes but it's relieving to know that I am not the only one who has had a rough go of it.
I think you got autocorrected by accident, OP :P So I just want to note, for anyone who isn't super fluent in English or who might otherwise be confused, the word "solitude" is probably meant to be "solace", I think
Same. 29F who has been on and off the past couple years. Even when I get a lot of matches none of them go anywhere. Most of them barely hold a conversation or ghost at the first thing I say they don't like instead of talking about it. 🙄 Especially when talking to men. I feel like they treat matches like smash or pass.
@@carmandirda Cause you are the product they sell. If you think about it what is tinder interest in keeping you happy. Ton of men experience the same. In fact some of them ghost as a twisted revenge scheme for their own misfortune in the beginnings. It's simple. Tinder ( and any other such app ) is interested in generating revenue. If you find someone you will remove the app and thus generate revenue no more. Probably Facebook dating is better since it has less interest in keeping you using it ( since you have facebook anyway ) but in the end only real life really can happen ( or you have to be presistent and brutally not match people you think are too flaky or sth. I did but it took running our of matches in whole region to find someone and it took few months of denying any girl that looked to be in it for free validation ). Only thing that could work would be open source and use at your own risk. Since otherwise corporate interest or politics will get you what they demand you choose not what you want for yourself. Compare homemade bread with store bought. Which one is better ?
In terms of Flow's story, as a woman, I can definitely say that Dr K is right. We need time to process. I'm currently in that sort of situation, where my friend confessed to me and I told him to give me time. It's incredibly overwhelming, I feel nauseous, I eat less, I sleep horribly at night and I'm constantly thinking. So yeah, we really do need time and space to think about the whole situation.
I tried dating apps once, at first was fun answering messages but the more I used it I got this feeling of judging people by their pictures and seeing them through a counter as products, felt this disconnection with their humanity. Never got to the point of a date as well. Mostly out of fear, because I didn’t want to risk meeting irl with someone I met through messages, specially because where I’m from have been increasing the cases of missing women and femicide, so…. Maybe my train of thought went through the worst scenario but my security over a date was way higher priority. I kinda want date someone but also I’m OK being alone, also currently I’m going through a rough time and I don’t think is a good moment for me to have something else on my life.
waiting for the perfect time in life to do something is a good way to never do something. You're building it up way too much, just like these guys you want to control what will happen. You can't. You never will. But do you avoid driving because you can't control and predict every other driver? Do your best to control what you can when you can, but let the rest go. Don't go into every coffee date expecting to meet your soul mate. You don't go into every restaurant expecting this will be the best meal of your life, do you? If you're worried about violence, take some sensible precations. Set boundaries and stick to them if you don't trust your intuition.
I feel that, I’m from an insecure country for women too and sadly that’s how it is, you put your life and dreams before finding a partner. It’s just way too much risk. I’ve heard stories from friends and that doesn’t make me any more interested in trying that out.
They deserve some major respect for their efforts and bravery. Always so thankful for their willingness to out themselves out there in such a honest manner
Oh I didn't realize this was two hours long. I figured it was an hour ish and wondered why I wasn't finished it yet lmao... 😅 scrolling through the comments and now i realize. It's amazing stuff though. One of his best videos.
@@maxmustermann-ie6ic you don't women like this don't actually exist. This is an AI generated comment made to keep you searching. Apps need to make sure you keep looking.
I would say it’s pretty normal to have no luck on the apps after six months, especially as a man. Honestly, it took me three years of swiping to find my person on there. Give yourself at least a few years. I know it sounds like a lot of time to be single, but if you allow yourself that space, it will relieve a lot of pressure. Plus, the algorithm is designed to keep you on the apps rather than get you off them, so keep that in mind as well.
"I would say it's pretty normal to have no luck on the apps after six months, especially as a man." I agree. from how you describe the process it seems as if it were an inescapable law of nature and it is not instead due to hypergamy and the trends of women who use that app and who DECIDE what to do.
@@manumaster1990I wouldn’t be so quick to pin all the blame on women. There are far more men than women on the apps, so statistically it will take longer for men to find matches on the apps. This is unavoidable. Plus, as I mentioned, the algorithm doesn’t have your best interest in mind. I won’t deny that there is no shortage of shallow/boring people on the apps, but it’s not exclusive to women, and it’s not the only cause of dating apps being such a slog.
@@manumaster1990 Yes, it's true that some women behave badly on dating apps, but the dating apps themselves incentivize a lot of that behavior - especially because, on the apps themselves, there's effectively no social pressure to behave well
Yes, dating apps are a tool but not a replacement for real life. I was on them for years with no matches or any responses and was feeling down on myself. After going out more I'm having such a better experience and meeting very kind, authentic people.
A lot of people, myself included struggle with dating because we're scared to be vulnerable. You have to open up to a girl but be comfortable with her rejecting you. Opening up to someone doesn't make you needy, but needing them to like you does. Changing who you are or pretending to be someone else in the short term actually makes you needy as well, because you care more about how you're perceived and external outcomes more than being comfortable with yourself. You should want someone who likes who you truly are anyway. It is extremely difficult to achieve this I hope I didn't make it sound like it's trivial. I struggle with this myself but I'm working on it Edit: it's also easy to become antagonistic towards women because it feels like they have it easier in the early stages of dating (or because you assume they want what men do, which is easy sex), but once you've essentially exposed yourself to being hurt by approaching and being vulnerable, if she takes interest now she's vulnerable because women generally want real intimate connection and she's exposed herself to being hurt. Don't let your past traumas hurt people in your future that give you a real chance
Don't EVER open up to a woman. Trust me, it always ends bad. It's all risk, no reward. BEST case scenario is, nothing changes. Most likely, she will lose respect for you. It's just not worth it. Edit: Women DO have it easier. With the exception of the top 10% (probably less) most eligible bachelors that the majority of women are competing for. Otherwise, women have it so easy a cave man could do it.
@@jordanharrison8769your perception is dangerous and flawed, I see two sides of the same coin here in this thread yet again, no real formula either from any of the callers, save for number 1 and from Flo, confidence and real persistence is the only thing, claiming women have it easy is generalizing bc you don’t know all women, can’t narrow millions of women into some small picture/box you have in your mind where you wanna compartmentalize them in.
@@GabrielXDrums I don't have to "know all women" to know how much easier they have it in the dating world. Doesn't mean women don't face some challenges. But the challenges aren't the same. For women, dating is like picking for favorite blade of grass in the yard. For men its like finding a glass of water in the desert. Oh and by the way the water you find also needs to not be contaminated. Difficulties in dating the average woman faces are self inflicted. They aren't looking for the average man. They are all trying to find the "Best man they can". The problem is, their is a waiting list for those men. They don't even SEE the average man.
Interesting, so what do you suppose the answer is then for the "average man" given he works on himself and it may not even be a possibility, the time span could be anywhere from 5-9 years being single for some and even then its not guaranteed so no wonder so many give up and then at the same time if women are just instantly demanding the highest value man they can while others are slaving to at least come off as desirable then what's the effort even worth if anything... the truth is these conversations and debates won't change the reality off of the internet, that is to say, that anyone who already has someone or wants someone or is worth having, is already taken. You don't get to be "that" person whenever you want, or do you? Some wake up with theirs each day, for years, and years, and may not even deserve it so I guess thats for life to decide....@@jordanharrison8769
@@GabrielXDrums work on you. Be happy with you. Build a life that makes you happy without women. That’s what I recommend you do. Ironically this will actually make you more attractive to women anyways
I was on and off the dating apps for about a decade, and honestly it was awful. People are utterly cruel to each other. Over time I went from accepting that there's no one out there for me, to outright reveling in the single life.
Question and do you think that was a reasonable conclusion? So instead of not using dating apps and trying a different method and changing the way you approach dating. You made a broad conclusion about dating in general? Because one methood didnt work? Most women dont even use dating apps. Not attacking you its seems like a strange way to come to a conclusion
@@AJohnSmithComplaining about it isn’t gonna solve anything. Every guy can be a 7. Get out there and meet people. Oh, and don’t treat them like statistics. That tends to help. Also lol at the shoehorned transphobia.
@@xMckingwill Been much the same story offline as well. I'm neurodivergent/ASD and so flirting/signs of attraction are totally missed, and it just feels like no one is willing to take time to get to know me when they have hundreds of other options at their fingertips. Which is fine because I know I am always going to struggle with certain aspects of being a good boyfriend/partner, but boy howdy do some people see it as an opportunity to be vicious/mean.
@@AJohnSmith lol I'm a liberal and have plenty of women friends (and a few from other genders as well). You seem pretty bitter and hateful, I just struggle with social cues especially in dating and just learned to accept that the vast majority of people in general don't want to emotionally babysit me and learned to make peace.
I was listening to Matt say he doesn’t communicate well and for some reason it struck me because as a listener I could understand everything he was saying. I saw someone else say the same thing and responded to their comment but I want to put my thoughts out more broadly as well and see what you guys think. I doubt anyone has really come out and told him he stumbles over his words. It almost sounds like he’s come to that conclusion on his own, to try to understand why what happened, happened. Which is often our way to cope - especially if we are looking to improve ourselves. I say this because I realized I did the same thing and it took me other people to say otherwise to take a step back and ask Why do I think this? Has anyone outrightly said this to me? Once I did that, I realized so many of my introspective conclusions were actually based on “observational” assumptions. It was based on my understanding rather than other people’s feedback. I think this often happens when we don’t actively seek for feedback from other people, where we are left with a vacuum and try to fill it up ourselves to make sense of things. However rational our approach might seem, this approach will always be incomplete, just because we can’t truthfully observe ourselves while being a part of any given scenario. We’re too close. Too in the bubble to get the whole picture. I’ve found it helpful to just ask the person what they thought about our interactions. Often times they tell me things I wouldn’t even have considered and it’s constructive. It makes me realize how “dating” is a two way thing, it doesn’t depend on a single individual’s need, wants and effort. We often get so caught up in ourselves, we assume it is. As far as matt is concerned, maybe im completely wrong and maybe ppl really have given him that feedback. But kudos to him for coming on. I wish him well and I wish this community well.
Caller 1 really struck home for me. I had a relationship for 2 years and thought even if we broke up, this girl would be a really great friend. We both ended up drifting away due to circumstances that was out of our control. World and heart shattered. Personally completely changed for a while. Took me 5 months before I started trying to get my life back together. Tried adopting a Chad or sigma male Personality as a coping mechanism, but the more I thought about it the more I realized That JUST wasn't me. Then I almost fell into Inceldom. Took me a solid 1 year and a half to realize and remember who I really was. I stopped the dating scene or am putting it on a long hold. Not only to focus on myself, but because I know how rigged and bad it really is right now.
I sympathize with the first caller's insecurities, but as someone who has sat on the other side of the table, it's really obvious when someone is putting on an act to try to impress you, and I always want to be like... why do you think I'm someone you WANT to impress? Like, on a first date I'm thinking, "What's this guy's deal, is he fun to be around, do we get along, do our senses of humor match?" I don't start worrying about whether I'm impressing him until I decide I like him. I thought that was the point of a first date, to get a sense of each other and decide if this is something you might want to go further. But it's very common for men to approach a first date like a challenge to win a prize, without stopping to think, maybe I don't want this prize? Like, it's cool if you decide you don't like us, it's better in fact because you don't waste our time. And I feel like it takes the pressure off you, because if you don't frame dating as a challenge where you win or lose the girl, then if it doesn't work out it isn't a failure, it just means you weren't a fit for that particular person. I get that this must be harder for dudes since women tend to be more picky than men, but I have a suspicion that if you tried to be a little bit more picky (in a non-judgemental, polite way) that you might become more attractive to women. Because it's very pressuring and uncomfortable to go on a date with a stranger who so clearly just wants to win you over no matter what, and you feel way too responsible for their feelings way too fast. Plus, it's a little bit objectifying, to be honest. If you just desperately want a girl, any girl, even though you don't know anything about her yet, it kinda feels like you're looking straight through us. That's how I feel about it, anyway.
You said it so well. I'm gonna take a screenshot of this and save it for later. Although I would like to add one thing as a guy. Maybe some women suffer from this as well. You mentioned being pickier as a guy to attract more females. I see your point and it could work. But what's the practical way to approach it. I mean it's easier said than done. It's not like us guys and especially the introverted stay at home guys are getting any attention whether romantic or otherwise and it's worse if you're at the bottom tier of the hierarchy. Men already are in an attention deficit and social media apps like Instagram, Tinder, Bumble only multiply it a thousand folds. When you're living in a world of scarce resources you'd give anything to have some resources. And that's how I see dating is for most men nowadays. They are so stripped away of the love, sex and intimacy which are basic needs for both men and women according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's equivalent to food and water. Because of the lack of these basic needs they have become so desperate which is clearly never good. I could go on and on but I think I've made my point my query clear and hopefully you can provide a suitable answer.
The guys repulse you because they put on an act for the girl they think you are based on who they want you to be. They are literally acting like they're in a movie. On the date they're not showing genuine interest in you because they already think they know who you are by imaging you as who they WANT you to be thus putting you on a pedestal. It's way up there, it's THAT imaginary person that they're trying to impress which has nothing to do with you. They aren't having a conversation with you, they're talking at you and with the imaginary person in their mind,. Your questions aren't really registered, neither are any of your answers to questions they've asked you because everything that you're saying is being filtered through that imaginary person in their mind. This is also why those same guys often have no idea why a date went poorly because they weren't actually on a date with the person they thought they were. You then are frustrated because not only did you not meet a real human being since they were acting, you also don't think they've met you either since again they were too busy acting for an imaginary you.
I think this perspective is very valuable. I also struggle with the insecurity that would lead someone to be very I guess effortful early on. Part of it is the social pressure to like lead the moves in a relationship like ask them out first, try to kiss first, ect. I think that I've always recognized that I don't fully know someone after a couple dates but I usually know their vibe well enough to know that I'd like to keep getting to know them though. I think the reason I am already trying very hard to put my best foot forward is just that Id just like to "win" the opportunity to be known deeper than my best traits over time but I can really see how that both looks like and probably is me trying to hide my vulnerabilities. I think going to be thinking about this for a while as I'm getting ready to try more casual dating again soon. I know that I cant be thinking about the infrequency of people's interest in me while trying to date for many reasons but one of them being that it makes me not present for the date. I think my "don't this fuck up" vibe really does come across trying to win an interaction rather than just have it. Thank you for your comment and your empathy.
@@John-po9wz Wow. That's a very interesting perspective. I was watching "Indian Matchmaking" where this guy of average looks (a bit o/weight too) was dating an average looking relatively dark skinned Indian woman (skin tone is a big deal for Indians). She was quite pleasant and liked him, but he wasn't into her at all (although his family really liked her). He then met with a lighter skinned, prettier woman. It was quite clear that looks wise there was a mismatch. I could see that she wasn't interested in him AT ALL and treated him with some disdain, but at the end of their date, he thought that she liked him. Your comment made me think of that scenario; I don't think he saw the woman in front of him at all, but rather someone he already had a vision of who she was. When he was told that the interest wasn't there, he was quite surprised.
I've had a couple women do it to me as well and it was seriously off-putting. Exactly as you describe. It's not a man or woman things, it's a desperation thing. Men on the whole have few to no dating opportunities, especially on an app, while women can get at least shallow validation and attention and physical intimacy on demand. If you get one girl A YEAR to actually go on a date with you, yeah, you're gonna act like this and fuck it up. Idk that it's men's "fault" so much as a naturally and expected consequence of modern women's pickiness. Dating sucks for women too, I get that, but I think it's probably easier to bear being single when you think the solution is you "just haven't found the right guy yet" and need to spend more time looking or more time waiting for him find you. Rather than what most men feel, which is that they're just fundamentally not what women want. Not a specific woman but ANY woman. It's "nobody is paying as much as I think I'm worth" vs "nobody is willing to buy me at any price. I can't even give myself away for free."
Long thought: The best conversations I have with people of the opposite sex seem to happen when we genuinely have a lot of things in common. Interests, experiences, perspectives, goals… that’s hard to fake for a long time and it doesn’t feel right when you start getting the feeling that the other person really doesn’t have the things in common with you that they’re acting as if they do. They tell you they’re into this book series but they can’t name the characters. They claim they [insert activity], but they meet you at the place, and don’t know how to do [insert activity]. And it does take time to process when they go from acting like A to acting like B. You need a moment to decide what you want to do next. Sometimes it feels like they were deceiving you and that doesn’t feel good. Personally, I like it best when the other person genuinely has those core things in common with me and when their behavior stays the same. That’s probably easiest to do when you present who you really are and somebody is able to make an actual match with actual you. If you are polka dotted and looking for somebody polka dotted, present yourself as polka dotted, search up polka dotted others, be your polka dotted self, and stay polka dotted. Chances are there’s somebody else polka dotted out there looking for polka dotted you.
After trying Tinder experimentally, with a fake profile, all I took out of the experience is the sheer way it sucks you in and forces you to kind of give up your humanity and treat every person on there as a product on a shelf. You were not searching for a mate, a friend, what have you. You were browsing what the store had to offer, inside the radius you had set. What also struck me as weird was the abundance of extroverted, pretty women in there. I'd imagine Tinder would be a way to find people if you were too awkward / shy / ugly for people to approach you and give you a chance. I still can't get it. Why set up a dating app profile, if you are already outgoing and pretty? Do you not find people to date?
Lots of them are bots tbh. But this day and age lots of people feel alone and isolated, doesnt matter if you are beautiful and outgoing or ugly and introverted. Or any combination of features.
Online dating is an unhealthy environment which attracts unhealthy people. I'm generalising. It's not about commitment but casual sex and narcissistic supply.
@@3nrika very interesting perspective although I'd to like to add its mostly filled with men who probably failed at making a real connection with someone IRL. Or are so worse and at the bottom of the hierarchy that no one finds them attractive. And women who are on these platforms to increase their self esteem by seeking the attention of random men or sell them their Onlyfans.
#1 used to remind me of myself. My advice for this lad is simply “be who you are” as in don’t change who you are to attract anybody. That’s a chaser mentality, it’s exhausting to maintain because you are constantly having to put out. Take a break and think deeply about who you are. And embrace those aspects. For example. If you’re an introvert, look for somebody similar, can’t force yourself to be somebody you’re not
From the video title I thought it was about people finding someone creepy from tinder or going on a date with a serial killer and finding weird, creepy signs and things. I thought its gonna be like some person trying to date and met a serial killer and found some creepy stuff but its only people having a hard time finding a date! D: Am much bamboozled! xD Was expecting literal horror stories.
22:56 When you first join a dating site, you have all of the people in your area to go through. Hence getting more matches. If you are an avid swiper or in a low populated area or have a small radius, you’ll burn through all of them. That is why there stops being people and the app suggests a wider radius essentially. It’s not necessarily a trick. There just aren’t any more people until more get the app or enter the area.
My experience on dating apps: regular "matches", zero conversation. After two years, only around 5 conversations, with only two dates. And I lowered my definition of conversation to mean the other person said something. Anything. Even just "Hi". Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, etc. All the same.
When someone says they cannot control themselves around me, i find that threatening actually. That's like saying you might sexually assault them. It is true though that most people pulled away when i showed interest. It seems like it's too much too fast for them. I'm the type to dive right into emotionally vulnerable topics real fast since i can also move on pretty fast when it doesn't work out. Moving slow feels like a waste of time since i can't date more than one person at a time. But once we're committed to each other, moving slow is perfectly fine.
Your comment makes me feel sad. DrK says maybe a relationship isn't always the answer. Too many people fall prey to the unhealthy mindsets pushed on us by society. I wish you the best. I hope you get everything that you need in your life.
No horror stories. More like "people who have a slightly lower self esteem find hard to be rejected, so they try to appear like something they're not, and don't feel good about it"
Totally relate to the notion of, fewer dates but more quality relationships vs. more dates and fewer connections, as I have always found myself falling into category A.
Hi Dr. k Could you perhaps do a video talking to us about the the dynamic of stress, guilt and shame and how these emotions culminate into the belief that toxic Self-hatred/loathing is deserved ? and how that influences and cascades any attempt to think positively about oneself
Hey stop it I'm just scrolling comments on a therapy channel, I didn't sign up for this direct callout of my autotoxic traits! Now I want the same video you described, so I can playlist it & uncomfortably avoid it for several weeks lmao 😂
I just got to stop and appreciate Dr K's response in the second conversation. When Carlos was talking about both feeling unfairly expected to take the lead and also shying away when the other took the lead, then Dr K's response was "that sounds tough". Such an empathic response, I wish I would instinctively respond the same but admittedly I think I would've commented on the contradiction in Carlos behavior. I'd be very happy if I was able to adopt even a sliver of his conversational skills
Lol I love that his first good date and girlfriend is the only one he didnt lie too and just talked too her about their shared interest of league of legends with.
Yeah that's good for him. Too bad he found a fucking unicorn that he wont likely find again. It's like that little dopamine rush you get when you win a jackpot at the casino, it keeps you playing, but in the end you're going to lose all your money.
I would highly suggest setting up a double date if you are a nice shy guy!! My bf is same and he’s so sweet which I noticed right away, but he’s shy to open up to someone he likes so when we were together with another couple on the first three dates, it allowed a much more natural flow of conversation and there was no need to be fake and everything real (short of something you actually need to refrain from saying, like something very personal you wouldn’t share to a complete stranger) after you’ve started going on dates with them. Come clean about stuff you may have let them believe online as soon as you can. It’s soooo much better to just be yourself and have someone like you for you. 😅
From what I here this guy has great self awareness. The low self esteem will take time. I’m glad he’s on those dating apps. The key is how-to-be-JUST-yourself. Being able to admit you have codependent behavior is the first step. This guy is doing great, Matt. Carlos has insight, but that fear of rejection wasn’t taught recently. I love how Dr.Alok broke the news of addiction to Carlos. The big component to relationship addiction “Codependency (btw, Matt did such a great job and wish Matt nothing but success)” is “terrified of being hurt/rejection’ that is the source of THAT addiction that if Dr.Alok agrees with. And Carlos that is an awful therapist. Best therapists wants you in and out their office as soon as you are able to manage and own your feelings. At the same time, these are addiction therapists. And then FLO, it’s the quick, sour dough bread will go stale in three days if you don’t eat it but!!!!! On the third day if you run stale sourdough bread in tap water for 10 secs and throw it in the oven at 450F for 6-7 minutes you get better sourdough bread than when you first bought it IF you determined and CONFIRMED there was no mold. FLO has learned a lot of bad habits. You actually looked at the loaf a bread, the staleness feels like a six pack. But in a different perspective, using that cooking technique, carbs and that deliciousness can turn that six pack into a one pack. Perspective! I’m so happy for Dr.Alok. I get this beautiful take on men who are so brave to open up.
I think we are at a point where we all are so conditioned by media that our natural mating behavior is completely fucked. Romantic movies and porn give us a fantasy of what we expect from a potential partner. And i think we're not aware that it's not "just entertainment", but we ACTUALLY believe these things by now. Which means we are never going to be happy in reality because what we seek doesn't exist.
When my actual boyfriend confessed to me, I had to take some time to think about it. He waited for me three months, because I wanted to see If I really wanted him as a friend or as a boyfriend. Now we've been together for 5 years and more in love than ever. Just be patient and treat her as you always do, let her know you can wait for a while.
I confessed to a girl who I was friends with for 5 months. We talked all the time, hung out frequently, we would really open up to each other. But she went through some trauma and said she didn't feel like she would ever be ready to date again. I would have so waited for her, but she did not need time. She did not say, "I need time to think about it". I always wonder if I should have been more proactive and said "Okay but I can wait for you". But I hope you or others could agree, that not every situation is the same as you and your boyfriend.
Gross. He should have moved on in those 3 months. If a woman needs that much time to decide if she's in to you. She's not in to you. Personal experience.
Man some guys actually messaged back or dates? Online "dating" was freaking awful for me. I know I'm not the best looking guy but damn I got nowhere. I dress pretty decent, have a good personality. Tried to message women that were on my level. The average cute, kinda nerdy woman who likes Fantasy, D&D, etc. Yep it was terrible.
Things I've learnt from online dating as a guy who was a late bloomer, now in an almost 3-year relationship: 1) You have to have thick skin: most girls are overwhelmed with choice, and, early on, you can be easily replaced (regardless of whether that is actually a good decision or not). I've had girls be all over me one weekend and then hooking up with another guy the next (this is especially true if they drink or take drugs, but can also apply to other girls). 2) Always leave the door open: no matter how many times you are rejected, its always best to end things on a polite note and if you are still interested in the girl, let her know so that if she changes her mind, you can carry on where you left off. (edit. since there seems to be some confusion around this in the comments, this is specifically in regard to dating and when you're getting to know someone. I tend to think of this regardless of how physical things have gotten, as many people move at different speeds when it comes to sexual interactions). 3) Lean into who you are: if you're a gamer who loves LoL, lean into it. If you're a guy who's into comic books, lean into it. If you're a big teddy bear, lean into it. (This applies more in some cultures than others).
Dude your first sentence already shows what the fuck is wrong with dating What are most average men some sort of emotional punching bag? Then when women get older, less youthful and less beautiful - suddenly, they start caring What the actual fuck... I thought I was getting some advice, you simply just doubled down and told men to suck it up, have no standards and deal with women who will drop you like some shit on her shoe
I'm in the sucky early stages, but I appreciate your optimism. I'm not sure that I could wholeheartedly embrace your open outlook though. I'd still feel a little slighted or bitter.
@@vroomzoom4206 I think what he means by keeping the door open is keep them open for only short term relationships or hookups. Kinda like a pump and dump. No fully long term healthy relationship. Or I could be wrong too 😅
Good advice, I would add to 3 that it's ok for people to have different interests. Confidence in the things you like is great, don't try to shove it down other people's throat.
The fact is, if online dating is your only way of meeting potential partners, it's going to disappoint you and burn you out in a hurry. Use it if you want, but also take up hobbies and have a healthy social circle that can send good single people your way
The having a hobby and a healthy social life is SO important, and also attractive. It is amazing to hear someone share their hobbies and see them get excited about it and have their own goals, and be open to make space in their life for a partner.
This is the most important advice. I was dating a girl from Choir, now I started Volleyball this semester and I'm dating a girl from there, might even be more soon xD. Also, these are super attractive, fit, intelligent girls. I'm extremely average looking but go to the gym and do sports. I try to have fun at these social events and that is really all it takes to successfully ask girls out. I've been on Tinder for 6 months and only got 1 date so far. Social events and clubs is THE way to go
@@resir9807 yeah for hookups Edit: wait did you mean night clubs or like sports clubs? Either way samey samey but I feel like at an actual sports club you might find someone who actually wants to be in a comitted relationship
Tinder is everyhting wrong with society. It makes millions from the loneliness and desperation of others, as also make people believe you can find the love of your life like you could find a piece of meat in the supermarket.
For caller one, it seems like he hit all the points except him learning to actually like himself and being comfortable with who he is. The need for his mask was because he didn’t like himself. Moral of the story, self esteem makes a huge difference in your outcome of dating!
Dates don't work. Just hang out and don't make it formal. Keep it casual. If she wants you to take her on a date but not hang out on a personal level she's not worth the time, effort, or money.
EXACTLY! Dates are lowkey like jobinterviews...sure you can go on dates that are fun, but you can also end up in a job interview thatbis fun, but the vibe of looking for someone to occupy a slot never really goes away. If you don't find yourself among the other gender on a regular basis, maybe we should start thinking about how we're supposed to have a connection with people we have nothing on common with. Learn how to hang and be comfortable with the opposite gender! (Not directed at you but at the general ampunt of peoplr that act like dates are just how we get to the goal...
@@beeftestosterone4840 I strongly think you're wrong. There are many ways in which one can express interest, not just the traditional route with dates and that stuff, and if i want someone to expressinterest, I would prefer if they did so authentically in a way that makes sense with that person. You can't expect s gamer guy to suddenly go and do all this extroverted stuff and play prince charming that makes the first move in all the right instancesm imagine what type if girl he'll end up with and how sustainable their routine would be when he goes about it in this "checking the boxes"kind of way. I am also going to question the way you describe that "no girl" like there is anything in this universe that can describe all girls or boys or women or men. If the goal is to just get a girl and not a person, you can be misled to try just filling a slot with a person. This is a problem where a lot of women in their early insecure years go with the guy that does things right by the book, but only later realise that they are not even into that stuff, and end up going for a guy that does not check these boxes. You can end up with people that are frustrated for having made such an effort, to do everything right, but then are disposed like trash. I just think the approach of choosing what you can sustainably do for another person and what type of person you want to invest in, is a much better approach, and if that causes anxiety in you, that it won't get you the girl...then you need to really look at your priorities and at who truly matters in your life. Is it you and how you can be happy, or if people see that you have managed to get a girl?
"So you are thinking 'what do I need to do to not get rejected the next time and what do I need to change?'" That's called codependancy my friend. To get out of it, stop thinking about what you need to do to get anyone to like you, and instead start thinking about what YOU want, and reject anyone who doesn't meet your standards. You would think it makes people like you less, but they will actually like you more.
I don't usually make this particular comment, but 👏 SAY 👏 IT 👏 LOUDER 👏 FOR 👏 THE 👏 PEOPLE 👏 IN 👏 THE 👏 BACK 👏 OMG 👏 !!! Took me way too long to internalize this message myself lol. Also, any relationship entered into with a heavy amount of squishing-oneself-to-accommodate isn't going to have a good shot at being fulfilling anyway, including for the other partner. It's a disservice to all involved, & easily perpetuates toxic dynamics that keep BOTH people from growing. It cannot be overstated how important, & also attractive, self-respect & knowing what you want really is.
@Lynn R Idk that I can agree with that - I have very high standards, and I am starting to learn that maybe I shouldn't be so picky and write people off so quickly. It's also really hard if you get rejected or ignored for who you are so consistently (on and off for a few years on dating apps, literally thousands of matches, hundreds of conversations and a dozen of dates) to not think - okay, maybe I am the issue in this whole thing. I do agree that we shouldn't bend our ways and accomodate for the other person, absolutely, but it's almost illogical to fight it when you've been proven wrong so many times.
@@l.s.11 Yeah obviously this advice does not apply to everyone. But for me for a long time and it seems like for this guy too, about the only requirement I had for someone was that he wants to be in a relationship with me. Nothing else. That caused a string of abusive, painful relationships where I got abandoned after a few months. Even with very egregious things like disappearing and not contacting me for days I would pretend that I was totally ok with it and I knew for sure he wasn't cheating on me (but he was and I should have been angry). I would lie to my friends or not tell them a lot of things to save the guy's face rather than tell the truth. Anything and everything to smooth the waters and not get rejected. And yeah, I understand the frustration of getting rejected over and over. It sucks I know. After I decided not to act this way anymore, the only guys who have approached have been terrible and people whom I needed to reject. I also worry that my entire life will be nothing but rejecting bad people and that I will never get a chance at real love. I have more friends and acquaintances than most people in my city and yet I watch all my friends get into relationships while I stay alone. I also worry that something is wrong with me and that is why only bad people take an interest in me. I really don't have any advice there.
@@Iudicatio I see you don't mind getting personal - how old are you? I am 25, and sometimes I think: "I have loved and was loved three times - that's it, I've used my tokens for this life." ;P But yes, it's hard not to take accountability for bad people('s actions) when it seems like that's all you attract.
I used dating apps over the course of 5 years before I got married (off and on between relationships). I found the most success when matching with someone you’ve previously talked to. For example people from school, work, etc. Its a great supplement to the your goals of meeting a partner but shouldn’t replace other ways of meeting people.
I think ya'll are missing the super key insight of the entire first call! When the caller stopped focusing on himself and how's he's being perceived and he became GENUINELY INTERESTED in the other person, he had a great experience!! The man just has low self esteem, anxiety, and has spent too much time consuming 'red pill' content, it's not actually the apps. This is funny because the key to actual charisma is just showing genuine interest in another person, it's that simple. don't focus on how they feel about you but how they feel themselves, people just want to be seen and heard, the easiest way to achieving that is just by listening and showing genuine interest in them.
As a woman the way I took it is he stopped seeing the women he's dating as a "female" and started thinking of them as people. Which is extremely refreshing and appealing on dating apps. I think he'll do well
I clicked on this video not really relating to it and just thinking it would be entertaining. Then the first caller literally just replicated the last 6 months of my life. If caller 1 sees this, I feel you on a clone type level.
I can relate to this guy, it's just that someone can be okay with friendship and say it's sufficient but really you were looking for more of a connection and are continually disappointed that it never happens. Even people that sound ideal on paper just don't seem to click.
Agreed on this. I’ve had things fall through after a few dates despite really connecting. Good person bad timing. It would be nice to be friends and continue to chat, but emotionally it’s too hard to remain friends when I’m looking for more.
This makes sense. The last relationship I had, I thought from his initial messaging that he was just trying too hard. Then we met in person and I really enjoyed spending time with him and conversing with him. I thought he settled down and worked through the nerves. But then when it all went wrong he said that even through the relationship he was trying to put on a front, trying to do activities, trying to be an interesting person. That makes me so sad, I liked him for him, I didn’t want him to pretend. But he ended up exhausting himself and eventually viewed coming to see me as a chore 😐
I’m in the same boat as caller 1. I’m really insecure about how I come across to people and whether I’m too much or not enough of something. Especially with whether I’m fun to be around cuz I feel like I sometimes take things too literally and that kills the mood when people are just looking to banter with me. So I try to be more witty with my response but obviously it’s not something you can force and even when I do spit out something it feels disingenuous and not me 😔
In my experience, dating apps are just about the worst way of connecting with people. Especially if you're trying to meet women. The convenience means that you're not selecting for people who are actually trying to connect with others. Contrast that with, say, meeting folks at a meetup based around a shared interest. That's a whole room full of people who are actively getting out there and putting in an active effort to find their people. It may not specifically be a space for romantic connection, but it's better than dragging conversations with disconnected internet people. Dating apps are somewhat useful if you're just trying to hook up. Even then, the hookup game is not on point believe me.
Damn, Matt, you wanna hit me up with that emotional maturity? I've actually made a couple of really important friendships on datin apps with that kind of casual, organic approach to relationships in general, and it's so weird how few people I've met or heard about with that kind of healthy mindset. It's like people forgot how the whole "facilitiating meetings" role of these apps, and they only get seen as hook-up hubs, with predictably terrible results. Be like Matt, y'all.
Online dating hasn't never really work for me either (4 years since I uninstalled Tinder) I prefer real life, going to people and say hi. You get more real conversations, it's much easier to be judged how you really are, not just how you look and that kind of stuff. You get more attention, people can't be as rude either because they are around other people so other people would see them being rude if they are, so it's more soft if you get rejected in real life. Ghosting also becomes awkward for the other person in real life so they usually answer something even if they are not interested. You see if they are not, short answers for exp. then you just leave them alone. Also that common thing that when you are looking a relationship, it's not supposed to fix something in your life. It's just extra. Nobody wants to be your mom (some people do but it's not usually good relationship then), you should have your mom for that or if not, you should have a friend, how helps you with things. You should be a great dad how can take care of family. Your life is on that place that you can take care of other people.
On dating apps, I found that most people are either the “I am emotionally unavailable and just wanna hk up” or the “I am super intense because I really want a Gf” type. It really leaves you feeling that there is only either or and you are never going to find someone. -.-
For me as a person, a great opener is asking me any kind of question about myself. When I would message men, I would ask if they had a theme song, what would it be? As a person who is very connected with music, this is me trying to find someone who is similar. I also think it’s an unusual but interesting opener.
Oh i just want to scream listening to this because my frustration was trying to find someone genuine and all the men online mask. I finally met someone in person (at karaoke) who engaged me in normal conversation instead of trying to flirt or impress me. We've been dating about 3 months. The apps are terrible. In person is so much better. Just go out and do stuff.
I've personally always had more success in person dating rather than on an app. I know it sounds silly, but the path for it is just so much easier in person. When you actually get to talk to someone, it's you and them in that moment. On a dating app, is you and 20 other dudes. (as a dude)
@@craigslist6988 my brothor in christ I'm not going remember a thing about someone I haven't spoken to in weeks if we just chatted a bit and then suddenly stopped texting lol
@@josejimenez896 I think they mean to ask them to meet instead of just texting for weeks. Texting between is one thing, but if you actually meet, you'll see a better connection. And I agree if that's what they meant. Personally, I get bored of texting pretty fast.
After all the married, engaged and users on apps I gave up on them. Had 1 hit on POF I really fell for and she ended up being sectioned after getting off her meds.. which apparently was my fault for making her feel like she didn’t need them, after looking for her in hospitals I found out she was still married and told me her old surname and wanted nothing to do with me. It was then I realised I was the common denominator in my love life problems so single Pringle life it is.
Shit, I a women looking for men and I kind of stereotyped it like "men want as much sex as possible, of course they will be on dating apps when they are already married, that's a chance for sex with no accountability". I never would have thought it's a common thing for women to do too.
@@Iudicatio Men that are already in a relationship and/or looking for hookups typically have an easier time dealing with dating app, they don't care that much if woman is secretly married or in a relationship or getting rejected. At the end of the day they have reserve option if everything else fail. On other side, guys looking for a meaningful relationship over dating apps could get burned out and disappointed with the amount of dating app traps, finding dating app useless and giving up from them.
Dating apps never again. About 10% seemed somewhat "normal". Rest horrible. Even ended up in a very abusive relationship. Which seemed a situation ship. Narcs don't do relations. Happy to be still alive.
Dating Apps sound like a good idea in theory but are acutally a capitalist hellscape. As it has been pointed out these apps are designt to maximise interaction and sales. Also how "good" the app is , is 99% about how many people use it. Personaly i thinks OKcupid has a lot of nice features but in my area hardly anybody uses it. If you meet people in person in most situations you are kind of forced to interact with them at first. Well you can choose not to, but there isn't a new set of people that turn up at your will. But this is exactly what datingapps provide. You dislike some minor detail about the person? Just swip left, there ist probably a better one. So if i would have to design a dating app, you would get like 5 people per day. You can match any amound of them but you only get these per day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good 'ol "the grass is greener somewhere else". They incentivize you to NOT value the person behind the texts as an individual, but just as a replaceable entertainer for this week, maybe...
Yep, a good app would have to solve certain problems, the solving of which is not in its financial interest. I feel like the only way for a good dating app to exist is somehow as a non profit, to take out the incentive of money. I don't feel like that is realistic though.
Wow, this was incredibly illuminating. This guest really resonates with me, I could almost feel what he's been going through in some way. I resonate with that "mask" that he speaks of, that is really difficult to shake in the moment, especially if you feel like you need a relationship. I've been trying to learn what this guest has learned, the lesson that it seems to be better when you don't force this fallacious "perfected" version of yourself. That mask seems to be fueled to some extent by the way many of us learn to look at the world; typically problems seem to present themselves when we have too much of that outcome based thinking. At least for me, it often takes me out of the moment and fuels my anxiety.
Dear Menfolk, I pursue shy and nerdy guys. I find them to be sweet, humble, genuinely charming, honest, intelligent, and loyal. Please be yourselves, my shy nerd boys! That’s how my soulmate and fiancé found me on Tinder ❤
I know a lot of women who are into men who are nerdy and enthusiastic about their hobbies. Please do not think that something you like is "too nerdy", because maybe you'll share the same interest with another nerdy woman.
My current boyfriend is a nerdy guy and I adore his passion for the things he loves. While I might not necessarily share all of his interests, I love it when he tells me about them excitedly, it’s very endearing.
I must say, the last guy seems to have a great sense of humor and very interesting actually. I feel really sad that he hasn't found anyone. Interested in American women? Lol
The problem with dating is expectations in the first place. You shouldnt "expect" anything from anybody. You tell them what you like dont like want and don't want and they either respect that or they dont and if they dont you communicate about it. If you expect things then you tou both dont think to communicate about things you want and dont want or like and dont like and you will also be very disappointed when they dont give you what you expect without you having asked for it besuse you "expect" them to just know what it is
a lot of people are not going to be a good fit for you. that’s why partnerships are special. if you are open and present from the start there’s a chance someone will respond back with their heart in it too. a lot will not. at least you will see it right away and not wonder which character is better to play to get them.
Bumble... I've read so many stories of women having starters such as: ''Hey.'', ''Heyy'', ''Sup.'', ''...'' and the classic ''Start the conversation.'' ''Safety and less pressure.'' It doesn't make it an environment THAT safer, it just delays the conversation when they don't know what to say. Then, they resort to the starters from my first point. Less pressure? With those starters, it just makes them the one who ''serves on the court''. It's just one extra step. Plus, there's alot of matronization in there. People sometimes go on dating apps just out of spite. The sexism is real in these parts, on all the sides of the dating spectrum.
I think the last guys name was Torsten(tore-sh-tenne) but with a Norwegian pronunciation. I am Swedish and sometimes we neighboring countries don't understand each other even if the languages are very similar.
![Stromae, Pomme - “Ma Meilleure Ennemie” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Visualizer]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/1F3OGIFnW1k/mqdefault.jpg)
In reality what is perceived as the perfect charismatic Hollywood type date conversations is the culmination of the work of several professional script writers along with the delivery of professional actors over several takes and then displayed in one smooth take. For a normal person to want achieve that all by themselves in unrealistic.
That’s a REALLY good thing to keep in mind!
And I'd also like to add that many many people do like them onscreen, but would not want to date or even be friends with them.
Legit!
Ironically, it's probably even unattractive.
From experience, the good date conversations DO happen, but only when both of you are on the same page and feel equal levels of high interest. It's easy to talk to someone who wants you, and vice versa, because you don't run out of things to say when the enthusiasm and motivation to put in effort and make a relationship there is ultimately what drives it. People will sell you on how you can make yourself more appealing, and while I think it's worth the effort to try to be a "better dater", you also can't force desire or attraction. I do also think that sometimes people have unrealistic expectations for first dates. When I have a first date, I expect it to be a little awkward, but unfortunately a lot of people see that as a sign there is no spark. Although to be fair, the "I'm nervous and don't wanna mess this up but I'm acting embarrassing because of that" awkward is different from "we're both really bored of each other and have nothing to say" awkward.
I recently lost my virginity at 27 to a tinder hookup. For the longest time this was my biggest insecurity and to say the least, my profile and behavior on tinder was just....fake just because I was so desperate to finally get it over with.
All I can say is that it ultimately wasn't worth it. I won't say the experience was bad....but It also wasn't amazing either. All it left me with is how meaningless it ultimately was. I'm still the same, person with the same feelings and insecurities. Having sex didn't suddenly change me as a person or make me feel better.
All I can say to anyone that might relate to this is....there's really no rush. Having sex won't suddenly change you or your self esteem. I wish I had honestly just waited to be with someone I cared about first.
I can relate to what you said and I respect you for saying it. In the long run, nothing replaces being satisfied with oneself. If somebody isn't satisfied with being alone, then a relationship probably isn't the answer.
Speaking from my experience, having sex did make my insecurity about never having had sex go away. Didn't fix anything else (which I didn't expect it to) but it fixed this particular thing. The same with smoking pot, though I wouldn't want to go through the experience ever again, it's just not for me.
I feel you,lost my V-card 8months back at 32y, wasn´t with a tinder hookup couldn´t get one so i took the path of exchaning currency for intamincy (it´s legal where i live). Actually did it a few times by now and if anything it made my situaion even worse and me relize how bad my pron addiction is after all these years. Moral of the story sex is way overrated in our sociecty pron really screws up your mind on the long term. I´m trying to fix this stuff atm but it´s struggle when you got high testeroneand a high sex drive through eating clean and lifting weights serveral times a week.
Losing my virginity was very meh aswell as it is for most people who are sexually in experienced. I lost mine at 13 to a 18yr old woman in the 12th grade... my experience was out in the open in a graveyard. So if you think a tinder date hook up is embarrassing I would 10000000% take that over what I got.
Needed this
Would be interesting to hear some female perspectives on the matter as well
rly?
I was thinking the same thing honestly !! I thought at least one of the callers would be a woman, but since not, maybe a part two would be nice
@@nichnytsia.stitch Could be worth redoing with that as an explicit limitation on callers. Not like Dr. K. doesn't have enough female members by now
@@Fuchsia_tude I'll join just in case I can give the female sight in the future, I love this channel :)
That would be super interesting! I’ve been on Tinder and found the love of my life, so makes me wonder if someone else has had an experience like mine.
This format is really incredible, real people in real conversations and you can relate to different people on different levels. Almost like learning from your friends mistake. Keep this coming dr k
Matt's talk (caller 1) had so much growth! he then mentions that he started going to therapy and honestly, we stan for a king that goes to therapy. Good for you, my dude 👏👏👏
I think a problem for many single people is that the urge to start dating comes when they feel lonely, and they act, not because they are ready or want someone to share experiences in life with but because they NEED someone to dampen their loneliness.
I have thrown myself in the arms of the first guy that showed interest after my first relationship ended, and i did this, again, and again, and again, until i sat myself down and asked wtf i was doing and why i felt like i needed company from someone i barely knew.
Some of these guys sounds like they figured out what they needed before going into a new relationship, and they found out that the fake persona we all put on at times can work for some situations, but not relationships. What i often hear from my single friends is that they are looking high and low, but when i question them on what they swipe right and left on i see a tendency to want the "slim pretty girls" or the "ripped gym guy" but never even giving a chance to the "average" or "cute" people, they don't think a bout having stuff in common or having the same "vibe" they only judge on the looks, which often do not really result in good matches..
(No hate if you're the slim pretty girl or the ripped gym guy! You are just as wholesome and amazing as everybody else!)
I have a feeling that the 3rd guy is coming on strong when he confesses or checking up on how a girl is doing. My experience is that telling someone you like them is way too much commitment too early on, its better to say "hey i really enjoy our conversations, i hope we can keep on having them" as it is more relaxed and inviting and you get to say how you feel. Sometimes, we feel entitled to a response to what we write, but blocking a person because they don't answer the how are you doing or are you still sick question is a little much of an overreaction, my advice is, give it one more message a couple of days later, and don't block the person?
When I'm sick, I often don't look or answer peoples messages unless its important, but i do play computer, and sometimes i chat with my gaming buddy, because that gives me energy, if my friends would get mad about that, they would be mad at me often, sometimes i just don't have the energy to have a conversation with my best friend.. Different people gives and takes different amounts of energy and when you are getting to know someone, it can sometimes take more, not meaning that its bad, but it is hard work :)
Physical attraction is an important part of choosing a partner though
@@indigo5577 It is but if the only type you go for i a tall blonde girl with big boobs and long nails, or the tall chizzeld guy with a tan and big brown eyes, you kinda narrow it so much down that its very specific type, a type that might not be interested in even speaking with you.
My point is look around you, look at your hobbies, see the people you DO spend time with and ask yourself who would fit into my life, and go for that instead of choosing love based on a look only, because that i how online dating works..
@Indigo it is. But imo I find it doesn't matter how attractive is. If the person doesn't a good personality and click with me... looks doesn't really matter.
I guess unless you're looking for a one night stand.
Personality gives substance and provides you with similar interests, hobbies and/or outlooks
You don't need everything to be the same but I would say what that's more important than looks
This. My type isn't the ripped gym guys, I like nerds. And I've never been the pretty/hot girl I was always invinceble to guys. And those two things combined made me jump to the first guy who showed the tiniest knowledge of me. And after a couple of months his behaviour and treatment of me took a dark turn. This happened a second time to, and it was after that I was like "How could I fall for the same type again?!", and then I started figuring all of that out. Luckily I've never struggle with lonliness, so I'm fine on my own. Would love to experience genuine true love, instead of abuse/exploitation, but I much rather stay single until I know I have learned to not fall for the wrong people.
@@ChrissyCat87 or maybe stop being passive and start approaching guys yourself. Your bad experiences and your loneliness are your own fault if you always just wait for things to happen.
All of you out there in the dating trenches, I salute your valor. I don't think I'll ever be ready to put myself out there like that
The secondhand cringe from making a profile died out after a few weeks, and then the disapointment kinda creeps in. On the plus side, you don't ever feel like you're putting yourself out there, because you're just casting your likes into a black hole. It feels more like a pettier version of job hunting. Well that's my Hinge experience so far.
I can understand that feeling big time man. I've been dealing with something similar. After talking with some peeps about it, I get the feeling like you might just be ready when your ready. The more we invest in thinking about it sometimes gets in the way of us moving forward.
@@bobbywhite5319 if it’s cringe from something you’re doing it isn’t secondhand. secondhand implies cringing because of putting yourself in someone’s shoes.
I feel that way sometimes too. Every time I think about dating again, I convince myself I'm too busy, but I know that's usually not entirely true.
it sucks. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Flo here, I'm the 3rd guy calling in. One nuance I forgot to mention was few of the girls I sorta dated (which ended up ghosting , suddenly disinterested) recently past few months are from irl not online dating. Met them in a coffee shop, bar, approaching them in a park etc, mutual friend group .
That said I really felt better after the call, did introspection on "the chadflo doesn't fear the betaflo" . Owning the part that I deemed is weak inside me. Also I started dating again met this girl in a mall and I just started talking and having her like me, just being myself owning up all my flaws, also owning my strength. I am both confident and same time emotional. Owning that my value come from within and I deserve love like everyone else.
Perhaps the problem back then I ran into was emotionally I was still not confident the emotional side and girls feel that insecurity. Now I owned it, I'm not sure if this make sense but it does inside my head.
*Also it was 2am when I talking to drK so I was really tired but excited*
Edit : I don't think you guys understand how many guys are very clueless when it comes to taking photos. I seen many dude that is better looking than me struggle because they dont know how to convey personality. Smile , big smile, if you have a pet include it inside your photo. A simple tweak can make you standout. Also no bathroom selfie
You in Singapore right?
@@bandit-revolver sorta haha, weirdly usually my accent isn't that strong. But was nervous talking to DrK so I revert to my SEA accent
@@bandit-revolver same I was guessing this too
Bathroom selfie is fine if you're jacked :)
@@theozuretti6091 Only break the rules if you know how to play in the rules
I think sometimes we go after the people who just aren’t for us. I can say that I personally prefer people who are genuinely themselves. People are flawed. I don’t want someone who appears “perfect”, because that is impossible. Maybe it’s because I’m going through a divorce and my mindset has changed and now I know more about what exactly I want out of a relationship.
appearing perfect itself is a red flag
"if you are perfect... why are you still single? LOL"
Me rn 😂
I agree that sometimes we go after the people who aren't for us, but when you get a few matches a month, you can't be too much choosy.
@@arrnasss you have to be choosy enough to make , if lucky, a relationship last.
Because often time the "wrong someone" feels better than "no one" .
I watch this not only for the great conversations, but also to study conversational technique as a student of Psychology myself. I learn so much by watching this, open questions, paraphrasing, small encouragements etc. It's worth so much for me, so thank you for having a great channel Dr K🥰
This was super helpful! As a 38-year-old single woman trying to navigate dating apps for the last 8 years, it has been an absolute nightmare. I hate to find solitude in others' misfortunes but it's relieving to know that I am not the only one who has had a rough go of it.
I think you got autocorrected by accident, OP :P So I just want to note, for anyone who isn't super fluent in English or who might otherwise be confused, the word "solitude" is probably meant to be "solace", I think
Also, I second that emotion lol
Same. 29F who has been on and off the past couple years. Even when I get a lot of matches none of them go anywhere. Most of them barely hold a conversation or ghost at the first thing I say they don't like instead of talking about it. 🙄 Especially when talking to men. I feel like they treat matches like smash or pass.
@@carmandirda Cause you are the product they sell. If you think about it what is tinder interest in keeping you happy. Ton of men experience the same. In fact some of them ghost as a twisted revenge scheme for their own misfortune in the beginnings. It's simple. Tinder ( and any other such app ) is interested in generating revenue. If you find someone you will remove the app and thus generate revenue no more. Probably Facebook dating is better since it has less interest in keeping you using it ( since you have facebook anyway ) but in the end only real life really can happen ( or you have to be presistent and brutally not match people you think are too flaky or sth. I did but it took running our of matches in whole region to find someone and it took few months of denying any girl that looked to be in it for free validation ). Only thing that could work would be open source and use at your own risk. Since otherwise corporate interest or politics will get you what they demand you choose not what you want for yourself. Compare homemade bread with store bought. Which one is better ?
@@ItsAsparageese ah yes! My apologies, autotext!
In terms of Flow's story, as a woman, I can definitely say that Dr K is right. We need time to process. I'm currently in that sort of situation, where my friend confessed to me and I told him to give me time. It's incredibly overwhelming, I feel nauseous, I eat less, I sleep horribly at night and I'm constantly thinking. So yeah, we really do need time and space to think about the whole situation.
It’s always nice to be able to learn from all these different people
I tried dating apps once, at first was fun answering messages but the more I used it I got this feeling of judging people by their pictures and seeing them through a counter as products, felt this disconnection with their humanity.
Never got to the point of a date as well. Mostly out of fear, because I didn’t want to risk meeting irl with someone I met through messages, specially because where I’m from have been increasing the cases of missing women and femicide, so…. Maybe my train of thought went through the worst scenario but my security over a date was way higher priority.
I kinda want date someone but also I’m OK being alone, also currently I’m going through a rough time and I don’t think is a good moment for me to have something else on my life.
waiting for the perfect time in life to do something is a good way to never do something.
You're building it up way too much, just like these guys you want to control what will happen. You can't. You never will. But do you avoid driving because you can't control and predict every other driver?
Do your best to control what you can when you can, but let the rest go. Don't go into every coffee date expecting to meet your soul mate. You don't go into every restaurant expecting this will be the best meal of your life, do you?
If you're worried about violence, take some sensible precations. Set boundaries and stick to them if you don't trust your intuition.
I feel that, I’m from an insecure country for women too and sadly that’s how it is, you put your life and dreams before finding a partner. It’s just way too much risk. I’ve heard stories from friends and that doesn’t make me any more interested in trying that out.
That's very wise and mature of you 👏
@@craigslist6988spoken like a true man
People are just so brave to talk, and open with doctor K, so just thank you. To everyone that tries.
100%!!
Agree . 😀
They deserve some major respect for their efforts and bravery. Always so thankful for their willingness to out themselves out there in such a honest manner
Wow, 2h of dr K talking with callers about tinder horror stories, I love it 😄 it will be great as a workout background, thank you ♥️
Thank you so much! On my way to the gym! 😎
Oh I didn't realize this was two hours long. I figured it was an hour ish and wondered why I wasn't finished it yet lmao... 😅 scrolling through the comments and now i realize. It's amazing stuff though. One of his best videos.
Lol, I am a girl who likes 3D printing. Now I know why I never found 3D printing guys on dating apps
They are all at robot combat, rocket launch, and similar events having a hell of a time.
Where do I find girls like this? Besides apps :)
ahaha
@@maxmustermann-ie6ic she is right there dude
@@maxmustermann-ie6ic you don't women like this don't actually exist. This is an AI generated comment made to keep you searching. Apps need to make sure you keep looking.
I would say it’s pretty normal to have no luck on the apps after six months, especially as a man. Honestly, it took me three years of swiping to find my person on there. Give yourself at least a few years. I know it sounds like a lot of time to be single, but if you allow yourself that space, it will relieve a lot of pressure. Plus, the algorithm is designed to keep you on the apps rather than get you off them, so keep that in mind as well.
"I would say it's pretty normal to have no luck on the apps after six months, especially as a man."
I agree. from how you describe the process it seems as if it were an inescapable law of nature and it is not instead due to hypergamy and the trends of women who use that app and who DECIDE what to do.
@@manumaster1990I wouldn’t be so quick to pin all the blame on women. There are far more men than women on the apps, so statistically it will take longer for men to find matches on the apps. This is unavoidable. Plus, as I mentioned, the algorithm doesn’t have your best interest in mind.
I won’t deny that there is no shortage of shallow/boring people on the apps, but it’s not exclusive to women, and it’s not the only cause of dating apps being such a slog.
@@manumaster1990 Yes, it's true that some women behave badly on dating apps, but the dating apps themselves incentivize a lot of that behavior - especially because, on the apps themselves, there's effectively no social pressure to behave well
Yes, dating apps are a tool but not a replacement for real life. I was on them for years with no matches or any responses and was feeling down on myself. After going out more I'm having such a better experience and meeting very kind, authentic people.
A lot of people, myself included struggle with dating because we're scared to be vulnerable. You have to open up to a girl but be comfortable with her rejecting you. Opening up to someone doesn't make you needy, but needing them to like you does. Changing who you are or pretending to be someone else in the short term actually makes you needy as well, because you care more about how you're perceived and external outcomes more than being comfortable with yourself. You should want someone who likes who you truly are anyway. It is extremely difficult to achieve this I hope I didn't make it sound like it's trivial. I struggle with this myself but I'm working on it
Edit: it's also easy to become antagonistic towards women because it feels like they have it easier in the early stages of dating (or because you assume they want what men do, which is easy sex), but once you've essentially exposed yourself to being hurt by approaching and being vulnerable, if she takes interest now she's vulnerable because women generally want real intimate connection and she's exposed herself to being hurt. Don't let your past traumas hurt people in your future that give you a real chance
Don't EVER open up to a woman. Trust me, it always ends bad. It's all risk, no reward. BEST case scenario is, nothing changes. Most likely, she will lose respect for you. It's just not worth it.
Edit: Women DO have it easier. With the exception of the top 10% (probably less) most eligible bachelors that the majority of women are competing for. Otherwise, women have it so easy a cave man could do it.
@@jordanharrison8769your perception is dangerous and flawed, I see two sides of the same coin here in this thread yet again, no real formula either from any of the callers, save for number 1 and from Flo, confidence and real persistence is the only thing, claiming women have it easy is generalizing bc you don’t know all women, can’t narrow millions of women into some small picture/box you have in your mind where you wanna compartmentalize them in.
@@GabrielXDrums I don't have to "know all women" to know how much easier they have it in the dating world. Doesn't mean women don't face some challenges. But the challenges aren't the same.
For women, dating is like picking for favorite blade of grass in the yard.
For men its like finding a glass of water in the desert. Oh and by the way the water you find also needs to not be contaminated.
Difficulties in dating the average woman faces are self inflicted. They aren't looking for the average man. They are all trying to find the "Best man they can". The problem is, their is a waiting list for those men. They don't even SEE the average man.
Interesting, so what do you suppose the answer is then for the "average man" given he works on himself and it may not even be a possibility, the time span could be anywhere from 5-9 years being single for some and even then its not guaranteed so no wonder so many give up and then at the same time if women are just instantly demanding the highest value man they can while others are slaving to at least come off as desirable then what's the effort even worth if anything... the truth is these conversations and debates won't change the reality off of the internet, that is to say, that anyone who already has someone or wants someone or is worth having, is already taken. You don't get to be "that" person whenever you want, or do you?
Some wake up with theirs each day, for years, and years, and may not even deserve it so I guess thats for life to decide....@@jordanharrison8769
@@GabrielXDrums work on you. Be happy with you. Build a life that makes you happy without women. That’s what I recommend you do.
Ironically this will actually make you more attractive to women anyways
I was on and off the dating apps for about a decade, and honestly it was awful. People are utterly cruel to each other. Over time I went from accepting that there's no one out there for me, to outright reveling in the single life.
Question and do you think that was a reasonable conclusion?
So instead of not using dating apps and trying a different method and changing the way you approach dating.
You made a broad conclusion about dating in general? Because one methood didnt work? Most women dont even use dating apps.
Not attacking you its seems like a strange way to come to a conclusion
@@AJohnSmith or, you could go outside and talk to women instead of analyzing data about a very emotional thing
@@AJohnSmithComplaining about it isn’t gonna solve anything. Every guy can be a 7. Get out there and meet people. Oh, and don’t treat them like statistics. That tends to help.
Also lol at the shoehorned transphobia.
@@xMckingwill Been much the same story offline as well. I'm neurodivergent/ASD and so flirting/signs of attraction are totally missed, and it just feels like no one is willing to take time to get to know me when they have hundreds of other options at their fingertips. Which is fine because I know I am always going to struggle with certain aspects of being a good boyfriend/partner, but boy howdy do some people see it as an opportunity to be vicious/mean.
@@AJohnSmith lol I'm a liberal and have plenty of women friends (and a few from other genders as well). You seem pretty bitter and hateful, I just struggle with social cues especially in dating and just learned to accept that the vast majority of people in general don't want to emotionally babysit me and learned to make peace.
I was listening to Matt say he doesn’t communicate well and for some reason it struck me because as a listener I could understand everything he was saying. I saw someone else say the same thing and responded to their comment but I want to put my thoughts out more broadly as well and see what you guys think.
I doubt anyone has really come out and told him he stumbles over his words. It almost sounds like he’s come to that conclusion on his own, to try to understand why what happened, happened. Which is often our way to cope - especially if we are looking to improve ourselves. I say this because I realized I did the same thing and it took me other people to say otherwise to take a step back and ask Why do I think this? Has anyone outrightly said this to me? Once I did that, I realized so many of my introspective conclusions were actually based on “observational” assumptions. It was based on my understanding rather than other people’s feedback.
I think this often happens when we don’t actively seek for feedback from other people, where we are left with a vacuum and try to fill it up ourselves to make sense of things. However rational our approach might seem, this approach will always be incomplete, just because we can’t truthfully observe ourselves while being a part of any given scenario. We’re too close. Too in the bubble to get the whole picture.
I’ve found it helpful to just ask the person what they thought about our interactions. Often times they tell me things I wouldn’t even have considered and it’s constructive. It makes me realize how “dating” is a two way thing, it doesn’t depend on a single individual’s need, wants and effort. We often get so caught up in ourselves, we assume it is.
As far as matt is concerned, maybe im completely wrong and maybe ppl really have given him that feedback. But kudos to him for coming on. I wish him well and I wish this community well.
man its true what they say , "its all in your head"
Caller 1 really struck home for me. I had a relationship for 2 years and thought even if we broke up, this girl would be a really great friend. We both ended up drifting away due to circumstances that was out of our control. World and heart shattered. Personally completely changed for a while. Took me 5 months before I started trying to get my life back together. Tried adopting a Chad or sigma male Personality as a coping mechanism, but the more I thought about it the more I realized That JUST wasn't me. Then I almost fell into Inceldom. Took me a solid 1 year and a half to realize and remember who I really was. I stopped the dating scene or am putting it on a long hold. Not only to focus on myself, but because I know how rigged and bad it really is right now.
this shit is devastating i relate
@@AXharoth Just gotta pick up what's left and keep going. We can't choose NOT to suffer. Least we can choose to suffer in a way that matters.
@@yaboyjosh3023 damn.. this shit hit, life is like quicksand the more you struggle the deeper you sink. No one can save you but you
I sympathize with the first caller's insecurities, but as someone who has sat on the other side of the table, it's really obvious when someone is putting on an act to try to impress you, and I always want to be like... why do you think I'm someone you WANT to impress? Like, on a first date I'm thinking, "What's this guy's deal, is he fun to be around, do we get along, do our senses of humor match?" I don't start worrying about whether I'm impressing him until I decide I like him. I thought that was the point of a first date, to get a sense of each other and decide if this is something you might want to go further.
But it's very common for men to approach a first date like a challenge to win a prize, without stopping to think, maybe I don't want this prize? Like, it's cool if you decide you don't like us, it's better in fact because you don't waste our time. And I feel like it takes the pressure off you, because if you don't frame dating as a challenge where you win or lose the girl, then if it doesn't work out it isn't a failure, it just means you weren't a fit for that particular person.
I get that this must be harder for dudes since women tend to be more picky than men, but I have a suspicion that if you tried to be a little bit more picky (in a non-judgemental, polite way) that you might become more attractive to women. Because it's very pressuring and uncomfortable to go on a date with a stranger who so clearly just wants to win you over no matter what, and you feel way too responsible for their feelings way too fast. Plus, it's a little bit objectifying, to be honest. If you just desperately want a girl, any girl, even though you don't know anything about her yet, it kinda feels like you're looking straight through us.
That's how I feel about it, anyway.
You said it so well. I'm gonna take a screenshot of this and save it for later.
Although I would like to add one thing as a guy. Maybe some women suffer from this as well. You mentioned being pickier as a guy to attract more females. I see your point and it could work. But what's the practical way to approach it. I mean it's easier said than done. It's not like us guys and especially the introverted stay at home guys are getting any attention whether romantic or otherwise and it's worse if you're at the bottom tier of the hierarchy. Men already are in an attention deficit and social media apps like Instagram, Tinder, Bumble only multiply it a thousand folds. When you're living in a world of scarce resources you'd give anything to have some resources. And that's how I see dating is for most men nowadays. They are so stripped away of the love, sex and intimacy which are basic needs for both men and women according to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It's equivalent to food and water. Because of the lack of these basic needs they have become so desperate which is clearly never good. I could go on and on but I think I've made my point my query clear and hopefully you can provide a suitable answer.
The guys repulse you because they put on an act for the girl they think you are based on who they want you to be. They are literally acting like they're in a movie. On the date they're not showing genuine interest in you because they already think they know who you are by imaging you as who they WANT you to be thus putting you on a pedestal. It's way up there, it's THAT imaginary person that they're trying to impress which has nothing to do with you. They aren't having a conversation with you, they're talking at you and with the imaginary person in their mind,. Your questions aren't really registered, neither are any of your answers to questions they've asked you because everything that you're saying is being filtered through that imaginary person in their mind. This is also why those same guys often have no idea why a date went poorly because they weren't actually on a date with the person they thought they were. You then are frustrated because not only did you not meet a real human being since they were acting, you also don't think they've met you either since again they were too busy acting for an imaginary you.
I think this perspective is very valuable. I also struggle with the insecurity that would lead someone to be very I guess effortful early on. Part of it is the social pressure to like lead the moves in a relationship like ask them out first, try to kiss first, ect. I think that I've always recognized that I don't fully know someone after a couple dates but I usually know their vibe well enough to know that I'd like to keep getting to know them though.
I think the reason I am already trying very hard to put my best foot forward is just that Id just like to "win" the opportunity to be known deeper than my best traits over time but I can really see how that both looks like and probably is me trying to hide my vulnerabilities. I think going to be thinking about this for a while as I'm getting ready to try more casual dating again soon.
I know that I cant be thinking about the infrequency of people's interest in me while trying to date for many reasons but one of them being that it makes me not present for the date. I think my "don't this fuck up" vibe really does come across trying to win an interaction rather than just have it.
Thank you for your comment and your empathy.
@@John-po9wz Wow. That's a very interesting perspective. I was watching "Indian Matchmaking" where this guy of average looks (a bit o/weight too) was dating an average looking relatively dark skinned Indian woman (skin tone is a big deal for Indians).
She was quite pleasant and liked him, but he wasn't into her at all (although his family really liked her).
He then met with a lighter skinned, prettier woman. It was quite clear that looks wise there was a mismatch.
I could see that she wasn't interested in him AT ALL and treated him with some disdain, but at the end of their date, he thought that she liked him.
Your comment made me think of that scenario; I don't think he saw the woman in front of him at all, but rather someone he already had a vision of who she was.
When he was told that the interest wasn't there, he was quite surprised.
I've had a couple women do it to me as well and it was seriously off-putting. Exactly as you describe. It's not a man or woman things, it's a desperation thing. Men on the whole have few to no dating opportunities, especially on an app, while women can get at least shallow validation and attention and physical intimacy on demand. If you get one girl A YEAR to actually go on a date with you, yeah, you're gonna act like this and fuck it up. Idk that it's men's "fault" so much as a naturally and expected consequence of modern women's pickiness. Dating sucks for women too, I get that, but I think it's probably easier to bear being single when you think the solution is you "just haven't found the right guy yet" and need to spend more time looking or more time waiting for him find you. Rather than what most men feel, which is that they're just fundamentally not what women want. Not a specific woman but ANY woman. It's "nobody is paying as much as I think I'm worth" vs "nobody is willing to buy me at any price. I can't even give myself away for free."
Long thought:
The best conversations I have with people of the opposite sex seem to happen when we genuinely have a lot of things in common. Interests, experiences, perspectives, goals… that’s hard to fake for a long time and it doesn’t feel right when you start getting the feeling that the other person really doesn’t have the things in common with you that they’re acting as if they do. They tell you they’re into this book series but they can’t name the characters. They claim they [insert activity], but they meet you at the place, and don’t know how to do [insert activity]. And it does take time to process when they go from acting like A to acting like B. You need a moment to decide what you want to do next. Sometimes it feels like they were deceiving you and that doesn’t feel good. Personally, I like it best when the other person genuinely has those core things in common with me and when their behavior stays the same. That’s probably easiest to do when you present who you really are and somebody is able to make an actual match with actual you. If you are polka dotted and looking for somebody polka dotted, present yourself as polka dotted, search up polka dotted others, be your polka dotted self, and stay polka dotted. Chances are there’s somebody else polka dotted out there looking for polka dotted you.
Yes
After trying Tinder experimentally, with a fake profile, all I took out of the experience is the sheer way it sucks you in and forces you to kind of give up your humanity and treat every person on there as a product on a shelf. You were not searching for a mate, a friend, what have you. You were browsing what the store had to offer, inside the radius you had set.
What also struck me as weird was the abundance of extroverted, pretty women in there. I'd imagine Tinder would be a way to find people if you were too awkward / shy / ugly for people to approach you and give you a chance. I still can't get it. Why set up a dating app profile, if you are already outgoing and pretty? Do you not find people to date?
Lots of them are bots tbh. But this day and age lots of people feel alone and isolated, doesnt matter if you are beautiful and outgoing or ugly and introverted. Or any combination of features.
@@vroomzoom4206 lol that's true. Women on there just want you to subscribe to their onlyfans.
Online dating is an unhealthy environment which attracts unhealthy people. I'm generalising. It's not about commitment but casual sex and narcissistic supply.
@@3nrika very interesting perspective although I'd to like to add its mostly filled with men who probably failed at making a real connection with someone IRL. Or are so worse and at the bottom of the hierarchy that no one finds them attractive. And women who are on these platforms to increase their self esteem by seeking the attention of random men or sell them their Onlyfans.
They're either bots, doing it for validation, or fishing for a top 10% guy.
#1 used to remind me of myself. My advice for this lad is simply “be who you are” as in don’t change who you are to attract anybody. That’s a chaser mentality, it’s exhausting to maintain because you are constantly having to put out. Take a break and think deeply about who you are. And embrace those aspects. For example. If you’re an introvert, look for somebody similar, can’t force yourself to be somebody you’re not
From the video title I thought it was about people finding someone creepy from tinder or going on a date with a serial killer and finding weird, creepy signs and things. I thought its gonna be like some person trying to date and met a serial killer and found some creepy stuff but its only people having a hard time finding a date! D: Am much bamboozled! xD Was expecting literal horror stories.
Same. So far it is a tid bit incelly.
22:56 When you first join a dating site, you have all of the people in your area to go through. Hence getting more matches. If you are an avid swiper or in a low populated area or have a small radius, you’ll burn through all of them. That is why there stops being people and the app suggests a wider radius essentially. It’s not necessarily a trick. There just aren’t any more people until more get the app or enter the area.
You can always tell when he's listening really closely because his eyebrows go into attack mode. 😂
ahah
👁\/👁
@@AXharoththank god google can translate this for me to haha I woulda been lost with out it
??@@dylansmith6078
My experience on dating apps: regular "matches", zero conversation. After two years, only around 5 conversations, with only two dates. And I lowered my definition of conversation to mean the other person said something. Anything. Even just "Hi". Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, etc. All the same.
Online dating is really really tiring. Too many choices is not always a good thing.
When someone says they cannot control themselves around me, i find that threatening actually. That's like saying you might sexually assault them.
It is true though that most people pulled away when i showed interest. It seems like it's too much too fast for them. I'm the type to dive right into emotionally vulnerable topics real fast since i can also move on pretty fast when it doesn't work out. Moving slow feels like a waste of time since i can't date more than one person at a time. But once we're committed to each other, moving slow is perfectly fine.
Your comment makes me feel sad. DrK says maybe a relationship isn't always the answer. Too many people fall prey to the unhealthy mindsets pushed on us by society. I wish you the best. I hope you get everything that you need in your life.
ty for sharing
No horror stories. More like "people who have a slightly lower self esteem find hard to be rejected, so they try to appear like something they're not, and don't feel good about it"
Haha ya but that’s not going to get clicks
I like the best the honest tittle , it could be shortened as' lower self steem in using dating aps' or something
It's a well-searched key phrase, & for the majority of people, these _are_ the horrors of dating apps 🤷
Totally relate to the notion of, fewer dates but more quality relationships vs. more dates and fewer connections, as I have always found myself falling into category A.
Hi Dr. k Could you perhaps do a video talking to us about the the dynamic of stress, guilt and shame and how these emotions culminate into the belief that toxic Self-hatred/loathing is deserved ? and how that influences and cascades any attempt to think positively about oneself
Hey stop it I'm just scrolling comments on a therapy channel, I didn't sign up for this direct callout of my autotoxic traits! Now I want the same video you described, so I can playlist it & uncomfortably avoid it for several weeks lmao 😂
I just got to stop and appreciate Dr K's response in the second conversation. When Carlos was talking about both feeling unfairly expected to take the lead and also shying away when the other took the lead, then Dr K's response was "that sounds tough". Such an empathic response, I wish I would instinctively respond the same but admittedly I think I would've commented on the contradiction in Carlos behavior. I'd be very happy if I was able to adopt even a sliver of his conversational skills
As a cosplayer, I would 100%message guys that have "I do 3d printing" in their bio!
Smart
If they are good looking
😂
You are interested in a man who has skills you can use? ... surprising...
Lol I love that his first good date and girlfriend is the only one he didnt lie too and just talked too her about their shared interest of league of legends with.
yes!! it’s amazing
Yeah that's good for him. Too bad he found a fucking unicorn that he wont likely find again. It's like that little dopamine rush you get when you win a jackpot at the casino, it keeps you playing, but in the end you're going to lose all your money.
I would highly suggest setting up a double date if you are a nice shy guy!! My bf is same and he’s so sweet which I noticed right away, but he’s shy to open up to someone he likes so when we were together with another couple on the first three dates, it allowed a much more natural flow of conversation and there was no need to be fake and everything real (short of something you actually need to refrain from saying, like something very personal you wouldn’t share to a complete stranger) after you’ve started going on dates with them. Come clean about stuff you may have let them believe online as soon as you can. It’s soooo much better to just be yourself and have someone like you for you. 😅
From what I here this guy has great self awareness. The low self esteem will take time. I’m glad he’s on those dating apps. The key is how-to-be-JUST-yourself. Being able to admit you have codependent behavior is the first step. This guy is doing great, Matt.
Carlos has insight, but that fear of rejection wasn’t taught recently. I love how Dr.Alok broke the news of addiction to Carlos. The big component to relationship addiction “Codependency (btw, Matt did such a great job and wish Matt nothing but success)” is “terrified of being hurt/rejection’ that is the source of THAT addiction that if Dr.Alok agrees with. And Carlos that is an awful therapist. Best therapists wants you in and out their office as soon as you are able to manage and own your feelings. At the same time, these are addiction therapists.
And then FLO, it’s the quick, sour dough bread will go stale in three days if you don’t eat it but!!!!! On the third day if you run stale sourdough bread in tap water for 10 secs and throw it in the oven at 450F for 6-7 minutes you get better sourdough bread than when you first bought it IF you determined and CONFIRMED there was no mold. FLO has learned a lot of bad habits. You actually looked at the loaf a bread, the staleness feels like a six pack. But in a different perspective, using that cooking technique, carbs and that deliciousness can turn that six pack into a one pack. Perspective! I’m so happy for Dr.Alok. I get this beautiful take on men who are so brave to open up.
I think we are at a point where we all are so conditioned by media that our natural mating behavior is completely fucked. Romantic movies and porn give us a fantasy of what we expect from a potential partner. And i think we're not aware that it's not "just entertainment", but we ACTUALLY believe these things by now. Which means we are never going to be happy in reality because what we seek doesn't exist.
100% agreed; well put. I wish more people saw this comment.
When my actual boyfriend confessed to me, I had to take some time to think about it. He waited for me three months, because I wanted to see If I really wanted him as a friend or as a boyfriend. Now we've been together for 5 years and more in love than ever. Just be patient and treat her as you always do, let her know you can wait for a while.
I confessed to a girl who I was friends with for 5 months. We talked all the time, hung out frequently, we would really open up to each other. But she went through some trauma and said she didn't feel like she would ever be ready to date again. I would have so waited for her, but she did not need time. She did not say, "I need time to think about it". I always wonder if I should have been more proactive and said "Okay but I can wait for you". But I hope you or others could agree, that not every situation is the same as you and your boyfriend.
Gross. He should have moved on in those 3 months. If a woman needs that much time to decide if she's in to you. She's not in to you. Personal experience.
Dating in real life still the best option. Dating apps try to make people stick with the app not people
So true
How the fuck do you meet people in real life? Every where I go all I see is couples, karens, or women who aren't interested in being approached.
Man some guys actually messaged back or dates? Online "dating" was freaking awful for me. I know I'm not the best looking guy but damn I got nowhere. I dress pretty decent, have a good personality. Tried to message women that were on my level. The average cute, kinda nerdy woman who likes Fantasy, D&D, etc. Yep it was terrible.
Things I've learnt from online dating as a guy who was a late bloomer, now in an almost 3-year relationship:
1) You have to have thick skin: most girls are overwhelmed with choice, and, early on, you can be easily replaced (regardless of whether that is actually a good decision or not). I've had girls be all over me one weekend and then hooking up with another guy the next (this is especially true if they drink or take drugs, but can also apply to other girls).
2) Always leave the door open: no matter how many times you are rejected, its always best to end things on a polite note and if you are still interested in the girl, let her know so that if she changes her mind, you can carry on where you left off. (edit. since there seems to be some confusion around this in the comments, this is specifically in regard to dating and when you're getting to know someone. I tend to think of this regardless of how physical things have gotten, as many people move at different speeds when it comes to sexual interactions).
3) Lean into who you are: if you're a gamer who loves LoL, lean into it. If you're a guy who's into comic books, lean into it. If you're a big teddy bear, lean into it. (This applies more in some cultures than others).
Dude your first sentence already shows what the fuck is wrong with dating
What are most average men some sort of emotional punching bag?
Then when women get older, less youthful and less beautiful - suddenly, they start caring
What the actual fuck... I thought I was getting some advice, you simply just doubled down and told men to suck it up, have no standards and deal with women who will drop you like some shit on her shoe
I'm in the sucky early stages, but I appreciate your optimism. I'm not sure that I could wholeheartedly embrace your open outlook though. I'd still feel a little slighted or bitter.
Highly disagree with 2, end things amicably, yes, but don't leave the door open. Let them know once it's over its over.
@@vroomzoom4206 I think what he means by keeping the door open is keep them open for only short term relationships or hookups. Kinda like a pump and dump. No fully long term healthy relationship. Or I could be wrong too 😅
Good advice, I would add to 3 that it's ok for people to have different interests. Confidence in the things you like is great, don't try to shove it down other people's throat.
Dr. K saying Y'ALL never gets old for me.
The fact is, if online dating is your only way of meeting potential partners, it's going to disappoint you and burn you out in a hurry.
Use it if you want, but also take up hobbies and have a healthy social circle that can send good single people your way
The having a hobby and a healthy social life is SO important, and also attractive.
It is amazing to hear someone share their hobbies and see them get excited about it and have their own goals, and be open to make space in their life for a partner.
This is the most important advice. I was dating a girl from Choir, now I started Volleyball this semester and I'm dating a girl from there, might even be more soon xD. Also, these are super attractive, fit, intelligent girls.
I'm extremely average looking but go to the gym and do sports. I try to have fun at these social events and that is really all it takes to successfully ask girls out. I've been on Tinder for 6 months and only got 1 date so far. Social events and clubs is THE way to go
The key is that you don't take online dating too seriously. Don't expect anything out of it so even the few dates will count as positive experiences.
Yeah it works if you take up normie hobbies, but if you play dungeons and dragons or some other nerd shit, tough shit pal.
@@resir9807 yeah for hookups
Edit: wait did you mean night clubs or like sports clubs? Either way samey samey but I feel like at an actual sports club you might find someone who actually wants to be in a comitted relationship
Tinder is everyhting wrong with society. It makes millions from the loneliness and desperation of others, as also make people believe you can find the love of your life like you could find a piece of meat in the supermarket.
20 minutes into the first caller and I have to say It's so refreshing to hear a man not be so bitter about online dating.
For caller one, it seems like he hit all the points except him learning to actually like himself and being comfortable with who he is. The need for his mask was because he didn’t like himself. Moral of the story, self esteem makes a huge difference in your outcome of dating!
Dates don't work. Just hang out and don't make it formal. Keep it casual. If she wants you to take her on a date but not hang out on a personal level she's not worth the time, effort, or money.
EXACTLY! Dates are lowkey like jobinterviews...sure you can go on dates that are fun, but you can also end up in a job interview thatbis fun, but the vibe of looking for someone to occupy a slot never really goes away. If you don't find yourself among the other gender on a regular basis, maybe we should start thinking about how we're supposed to have a connection with people we have nothing on common with. Learn how to hang and be comfortable with the opposite gender! (Not directed at you but at the general ampunt of peoplr that act like dates are just how we get to the goal...
No girl is going to go for that. She will think you’re not interested.
@@beeftestosterone4840 I strongly think you're wrong. There are many ways in which one can express interest, not just the traditional route with dates and that stuff, and if i want someone to expressinterest, I would prefer if they did so authentically in a way that makes sense with that person. You can't expect s gamer guy to suddenly go and do all this extroverted stuff and play prince charming that makes the first move in all the right instancesm imagine what type if girl he'll end up with and how sustainable their routine would be when he goes about it in this "checking the boxes"kind of way.
I am also going to question the way you describe that "no girl" like there is anything in this universe that can describe all girls or boys or women or men. If the goal is to just get a girl and not a person, you can be misled to try just filling a slot with a person. This is a problem where a lot of women in their early insecure years go with the guy that does things right by the book, but only later realise that they are not even into that stuff, and end up going for a guy that does not check these boxes. You can end up with people that are frustrated for having made such an effort, to do everything right, but then are disposed like trash. I just think the approach of choosing what you can sustainably do for another person and what type of person you want to invest in, is a much better approach, and if that causes anxiety in you, that it won't get you the girl...then you need to really look at your priorities and at who truly matters in your life. Is it you and how you can be happy, or if people see that you have managed to get a girl?
Thanks Dr K for that "shower" line, I'll use it
dont use it too much you gonan blow my spot xD
Please don't he was joking
Part of communication & a good interview is asking questions, Dr. K you ask amazing questions!
"So you are thinking 'what do I need to do to not get rejected the next time and what do I need to change?'" That's called codependancy my friend. To get out of it, stop thinking about what you need to do to get anyone to like you, and instead start thinking about what YOU want, and reject anyone who doesn't meet your standards. You would think it makes people like you less, but they will actually like you more.
I don't usually make this particular comment, but 👏 SAY 👏 IT 👏 LOUDER 👏 FOR 👏 THE 👏 PEOPLE 👏 IN 👏 THE 👏 BACK 👏 OMG 👏 !!!
Took me way too long to internalize this message myself lol. Also, any relationship entered into with a heavy amount of squishing-oneself-to-accommodate isn't going to have a good shot at being fulfilling anyway, including for the other partner. It's a disservice to all involved, & easily perpetuates toxic dynamics that keep BOTH people from growing. It cannot be overstated how important, & also attractive, self-respect & knowing what you want really is.
@Lynn R
Idk that I can agree with that - I have very high standards, and I am starting to learn that maybe I shouldn't be so picky and write people off so quickly.
It's also really hard if you get rejected or ignored for who you are so consistently (on and off for a few years on dating apps, literally thousands of matches, hundreds of conversations and a dozen of dates) to not think - okay, maybe I am the issue in this whole thing.
I do agree that we shouldn't bend our ways and accomodate for the other person, absolutely, but it's almost illogical to fight it when you've been proven wrong so many times.
@@l.s.11 Yeah obviously this advice does not apply to everyone. But for me for a long time and it seems like for this guy too, about the only requirement I had for someone was that he wants to be in a relationship with me. Nothing else. That caused a string of abusive, painful relationships where I got abandoned after a few months. Even with very egregious things like disappearing and not contacting me for days I would pretend that I was totally ok with it and I knew for sure he wasn't cheating on me (but he was and I should have been angry). I would lie to my friends or not tell them a lot of things to save the guy's face rather than tell the truth. Anything and everything to smooth the waters and not get rejected.
And yeah, I understand the frustration of getting rejected over and over. It sucks I know. After I decided not to act this way anymore, the only guys who have approached have been terrible and people whom I needed to reject. I also worry that my entire life will be nothing but rejecting bad people and that I will never get a chance at real love. I have more friends and acquaintances than most people in my city and yet I watch all my friends get into relationships while I stay alone. I also worry that something is wrong with me and that is why only bad people take an interest in me. I really don't have any advice there.
@@Iudicatio I see you don't mind getting personal - how old are you?
I am 25, and sometimes I think: "I have loved and was loved three times - that's it, I've used my tokens for this life." ;P
But yes, it's hard not to take accountability for bad people('s actions) when it seems like that's all you attract.
@@l.s.11 I am 25 also. So many of us are in the same boat. At least you got three times, I have gotten zero lol.
I used dating apps over the course of 5 years before I got married (off and on between relationships). I found the most success when matching with someone you’ve previously talked to. For example people from school, work, etc. Its a great supplement to the your goals of meeting a partner but shouldn’t replace other ways of meeting people.
Tinder is like a fun game personally, I don't really expect anything out of it
I think ya'll are missing the super key insight of the entire first call! When the caller stopped focusing on himself and how's he's being perceived and he became GENUINELY INTERESTED in the other person, he had a great experience!! The man just has low self esteem, anxiety, and has spent too much time consuming 'red pill' content, it's not actually the apps. This is funny because the key to actual charisma is just showing genuine interest in another person, it's that simple. don't focus on how they feel about you but how they feel themselves, people just want to be seen and heard, the easiest way to achieving that is just by listening and showing genuine interest in them.
^ This.
If you're trying to puzzle out how to be "Hollywood Man" then you're spending the date thinking about yourself. That's not attractive.
As a woman the way I took it is he stopped seeing the women he's dating as a "female" and started thinking of them as people.
Which is extremely refreshing and appealing on dating apps. I think he'll do well
I clicked on this video not really relating to it and just thinking it would be entertaining. Then the first caller literally just replicated the last 6 months of my life. If caller 1 sees this, I feel you on a clone type level.
I can relate to this guy, it's just that someone can be okay with friendship and say it's sufficient but really you were looking for more of a connection and are continually disappointed that it never happens. Even people that sound ideal on paper just don't seem to click.
Agreed on this. I’ve had things fall through after a few dates despite really connecting. Good person bad timing.
It would be nice to be friends and continue to chat, but emotionally it’s too hard to remain friends when I’m looking for more.
My heart goes out to Carlos, despite my jealousy for the women who actively pursued him. When he's ready, he will make someone very happy to have him.
This makes sense. The last relationship I had, I thought from his initial messaging that he was just trying too hard.
Then we met in person and I really enjoyed spending time with him and conversing with him. I thought he settled down and worked through the nerves. But then when it all went wrong he said that even through the relationship he was trying to put on a front, trying to do activities, trying to be an interesting person.
That makes me so sad, I liked him for him, I didn’t want him to pretend. But he ended up exhausting himself and eventually viewed coming to see me as a chore 😐
I’m in the same boat as caller 1. I’m really insecure about how I come across to people and whether I’m too much or not enough of something. Especially with whether I’m fun to be around cuz I feel like I sometimes take things too literally and that kills the mood when people are just looking to banter with me. So I try to be more witty with my response but obviously it’s not something you can force and even when I do spit out something it feels disingenuous and not me 😔
In my experience, dating apps are just about the worst way of connecting with people. Especially if you're trying to meet women. The convenience means that you're not selecting for people who are actually trying to connect with others. Contrast that with, say, meeting folks at a meetup based around a shared interest. That's a whole room full of people who are actively getting out there and putting in an active effort to find their people. It may not specifically be a space for romantic connection, but it's better than dragging conversations with disconnected internet people.
Dating apps are somewhat useful if you're just trying to hook up. Even then, the hookup game is not on point believe me.
Yes you have some pointss there but still I know couples that met on dating apps that are together for years. It just works for some people.
Damn, Matt, you wanna hit me up with that emotional maturity? I've actually made a couple of really important friendships on datin apps with that kind of casual, organic approach to relationships in general, and it's so weird how few people I've met or heard about with that kind of healthy mindset. It's like people forgot how the whole "facilitiating meetings" role of these apps, and they only get seen as hook-up hubs, with predictably terrible results. Be like Matt, y'all.
Online dating hasn't never really work for me either (4 years since I uninstalled Tinder) I prefer real life, going to people and say hi. You get more real conversations, it's much easier to be judged how you really are, not just how you look and that kind of stuff. You get more attention, people can't be as rude either because they are around other people so other people would see them being rude if they are, so it's more soft if you get rejected in real life. Ghosting also becomes awkward for the other person in real life so they usually answer something even if they are not interested. You see if they are not, short answers for exp. then you just leave them alone.
Also that common thing that when you are looking a relationship, it's not supposed to fix something in your life. It's just extra. Nobody wants to be your mom (some people do but it's not usually good relationship then), you should have your mom for that or if not, you should have a friend, how helps you with things. You should be a great dad how can take care of family. Your life is on that place that you can take care of other people.
13:34
Damn, I could feel this in such a deep level. I feel for you bro, but it gets better eventually
"You can be funny or not be funny, but trying never works" - Dr K channeling Yoda
On dating apps, I found that most people are either the “I am emotionally unavailable and just wanna hk up” or the “I am super intense because I really want a Gf” type. It really leaves you feeling that there is only either or and you are never going to find someone. -.-
hi sarah. did you go on any dates? did any of them go well? just curious.
@@serengeti4027trust me she’s chasing Chad and Tyrone
As a Lady...l have never or would never go on a date app. Seems reckless and careless. And desparate. World is full of trickery. Alert.
For me as a person, a great opener is asking me any kind of question about myself. When I would message men, I would ask if they had a theme song, what would it be? As a person who is very connected with music, this is me trying to find someone who is similar. I also think it’s an unusual but interesting opener.
good good will do
i feel like self doubt, like not good enough, is what really keeps people from genuinely connecting....
3rd caller was very relatable.
Oh i just want to scream listening to this because my frustration was trying to find someone genuine and all the men online mask. I finally met someone in person (at karaoke) who engaged me in normal conversation instead of trying to flirt or impress me. We've been dating about 3 months. The apps are terrible. In person is so much better. Just go out and do stuff.
17:22 I WISH I had a boyfriend who was into 3D printing. That'd be so useful for my crafts lol
But I'm sure you can procure 3D printed objects another way right?
Because what if he suddenly becomes disinterested in 3D printing?
I would ask him to print me stuff. I want a Tuca and Bertie figurine I could paint and put in the window.
I've personally always had more success in person dating rather than on an app. I know it sounds silly, but the path for it is just so much easier in person. When you actually get to talk to someone, it's you and them in that moment. On a dating app, is you and 20 other dudes. (as a dude)
that is why you stop texting for weeks and suggest a quick, casual meeting with minimal effort and no expectations.
Good way to look at it.
@@craigslist6988 my brothor in christ I'm not going remember a thing about someone I haven't spoken to in weeks if we just chatted a bit and then suddenly stopped texting lol
@@josejimenez896 I think they mean to ask them to meet instead of just texting for weeks. Texting between is one thing, but if you actually meet, you'll see a better connection. And I agree if that's what they meant. Personally, I get bored of texting pretty fast.
After all the married, engaged and users on apps I gave up on them. Had 1 hit on POF I really fell for and she ended up being sectioned after getting off her meds.. which apparently was my fault for making her feel like she didn’t need them, after looking for her in hospitals I found out she was still married and told me her old surname and wanted nothing to do with me. It was then I realised I was the common denominator in my love life problems so single Pringle life it is.
Shit, I a women looking for men and I kind of stereotyped it like "men want as much sex as possible, of course they will be on dating apps when they are already married, that's a chance for sex with no accountability". I never would have thought it's a common thing for women to do too.
@@Iudicatio In my experience, 95% of the women on dating apps don't want a hookup or FWB.
@midesti Maybe, I'm certainly in this category. And my experience is that 95% of men DO want a hookup or FWB. Why is life so hard lol
@@Iudicatio Men that are already in a relationship and/or looking for hookups typically have an easier time dealing with dating app, they don't care that much if woman is secretly married or in a relationship or getting rejected. At the end of the day they have reserve option if everything else fail. On other side, guys looking for a meaningful relationship over dating apps could get burned out and disappointed with the amount of dating app traps, finding dating app useless and giving up from them.
@Dany Kovac You're right honestly. Maybe the developers didn't intentionally design it that way but that's how it ends up being.
Dating apps never again. About 10% seemed somewhat "normal". Rest horrible. Even ended up in a very abusive relationship. Which seemed a situation ship. Narcs don't do relations. Happy to be still alive.
The last caller's experience of getting a lot of escorts that try to chat a little bit and then offer services is my experience as well.
After listening to this I finally found the perfect pickup line:
Man the dating process sucks, huh?
Dating Apps sound like a good idea in theory but are acutally a capitalist hellscape. As it has been pointed out these apps are designt to maximise interaction and sales. Also how "good" the app is , is 99% about how many people use it. Personaly i thinks OKcupid has a lot of nice features but in my area hardly anybody uses it.
If you meet people in person in most situations you are kind of forced to interact with them at first. Well you can choose not to, but there isn't a new set of people that turn up at your will. But this is exactly what datingapps provide. You dislike some minor detail about the person? Just swip left, there ist probably a better one.
So if i would have to design a dating app, you would get like 5 people per day. You can match any amound of them but you only get these per day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, good 'ol "the grass is greener somewhere else".
They incentivize you to NOT value the person behind the texts as an individual, but just as a replaceable entertainer for this week, maybe...
i like the 5 people per day thing
Yep, a good app would have to solve certain problems, the solving of which is not in its financial interest. I feel like the only way for a good dating app to exist is somehow as a non profit, to take out the incentive of money. I don't feel like that is realistic though.
First guy be like, what if a girl did like 3D printing? Mate, heaps girls like 3D printing. That is a cool and normal thing to like.
Not really. Actually, I've literally NEVER met one.
The first dude went on 6 dates? That's killing it compared to most guys on dating apps 😂
My biggest Tinder horror story was constantly getting 0 matches
Hows that even possible, tinder gives pity right swipes all the time
@@ToMaSsS10 How does that even work? They fake the matches? I've never used Tinder or any type of dating app so I'm clueless
@@RedPhantom97 It doesnt work like that
@@RedPhantom97 I always get random girls that don't reply at all, spammers that want attention.
It's really hard to not match with those.
@@ToMaSsS10 by being short and ugly
Wow, this was incredibly illuminating. This guest really resonates with me, I could almost feel what he's been going through in some way. I resonate with that "mask" that he speaks of, that is really difficult to shake in the moment, especially if you feel like you need a relationship. I've been trying to learn what this guest has learned, the lesson that it seems to be better when you don't force this fallacious "perfected" version of yourself. That mask seems to be fueled to some extent by the way many of us learn to look at the world; typically problems seem to present themselves when we have too much of that outcome based thinking. At least for me, it often takes me out of the moment and fuels my anxiety.
Dr.K please keep the " Right in the feels" website up forever 🙏 😔
online dating sucks. so glad I found someone compatible!!
The first guy who gave a shoutout to Bumble, I agree with that guy. That's how I met my lovely gf, different apps do make quite a bit of a difference
They are all the same, the only difference is the people, and since they all have women on them, they are all trash.
Dear Menfolk, I pursue shy and nerdy guys. I find them to be sweet, humble, genuinely charming, honest, intelligent, and loyal. Please be yourselves, my shy nerd boys! That’s how my soulmate and fiancé found me on Tinder ❤
I know a lot of women who are into men who are nerdy and enthusiastic about their hobbies. Please do not think that something you like is "too nerdy", because maybe you'll share the same interest with another nerdy woman.
My current boyfriend is a nerdy guy and I adore his passion for the things he loves. While I might not necessarily share all of his interests, I love it when he tells me about them excitedly, it’s very endearing.
am I alone in thinking that showers are to intense to be thinking while having one?
"if im interested in her then why do i need to wait" was Chad asf 😂
This was really great !! I hope you do more like this
Thank you so much caller 1 :D
I must say, the last guy seems to have a great sense of humor and very interesting actually. I feel really sad that he hasn't found anyone. Interested in American women? Lol
im interested xD
Note to self: His formula actually works. 🤔
How tf people saying things when video has only got posted 2 mins ago
😂😂
I was wondering the same thing 😂 🤣
Sometimes people get obsessed with over processing and process themselves into a black hole and not living
Caller 1 has friends and a healthy social life pretty different than a lot of guys.
The problem with dating is expectations in the first place. You shouldnt "expect" anything from anybody. You tell them what you like dont like want and don't want and they either respect that or they dont and if they dont you communicate about it. If you expect things then you tou both dont think to communicate about things you want and dont want or like and dont like and you will also be very disappointed when they dont give you what you expect without you having asked for it besuse you "expect" them to just know what it is
a lot of people are not going to be a good fit for you. that’s why partnerships are special. if you are open and present from the start there’s a chance someone will respond back with their heart in it too. a lot will not. at least you will see it right away and not wonder which character is better to play to get them.
Bumble... I've read so many stories of women having starters such as: ''Hey.'', ''Heyy'', ''Sup.'', ''...'' and the classic ''Start the conversation.'' ''Safety and less pressure.'' It doesn't make it an environment THAT safer, it just delays the conversation when they don't know what to say. Then, they resort to the starters from my first point. Less pressure? With those starters, it just makes them the one who ''serves on the court''. It's just one extra step. Plus, there's alot of matronization in there. People sometimes go on dating apps just out of spite. The sexism is real in these parts, on all the sides of the dating spectrum.
I think the last guys name was Torsten(tore-sh-tenne) but with a Norwegian pronunciation.
I am Swedish and sometimes we neighboring countries don't understand each other even if the languages are very similar.
Tinder sounds like a horrible app, idk why people use it...