I think that would make it even harder especially to know what it feels like to be human at all. You would not be able to understand people in a way to feel empathy. As you are grown up you still have that inner child in you, removing that would probably mean making you less human and imperfect at all. And probably make you more unhappy and empty.
It's so weird how we can absorb our parents behaviours and make them our own. I was abused by my father and my mom would care a lot more about him than me when he was angry, and i had to remain as unmoved and quiet as possible for her to soothe him. And she would invite me to forget my pain and soothe him too. I interpreted her behaviour as a deep need to help others, and her love was more based on "who's the most in need", and he shouted and showed harder that he wanted and needed her. Now, i am very attracted to those who are in need, suffering, in despair, even in friendship. And i accept being abused unconsciously while trying to help them. But what deeply attract me is men that are though tortured, kind, vulnerable, and not hostile at all. I idealize myself as a "big sister", as if realizing the wish for somebody protecting me with unconditionnal love and empathy. But i have also internalized, of course, part of my mother's behaviour.
Angelina Oliver i try to run away as soon as i realize any person close to me is abusive since i realized the pattern, yes. But it's very hard to change whom you are attracted to. To be honest, i am usually so scared of hurting the other persons i've never tried any move towards my crushes, fearing i could hurt or be decieved as i have so vivid and pure projections about how we would work together. We humans are very weird and complex creatures so to say.
+Jériss DuFond I agree on that part it's true we humans are complicated... I just hope that there's someone out there that won't be a complete ass towards you...
This seems a bit weird becuase i think i find myself looking for partners that are the exact opposite if what i experinced as a child. Things were always very rocky and uncertain growing up, and now i think i crave stability from a partner more than anything.
I guess the surrounding idea is that our relationships from our childhood become the language we use in our relationships now. If we didn't like something then, it stays with us and whether we are conscious or not, it becomes a priority that we do not experience it again.
he said that we look for the failings we saw in our parents but then end up treating our partners the way our parents treated us. So in some ways you may be looking for something more stable but end up causing majority of the instability in the relationship yourself. I guess if we are all guilty of this behavior we just have to recognize it in ourselves and work through it with our chosen partner (and hope like heck they are ready and capable to handle that "failing" where our parent was not, maybe by communicating to our partners what we discover about ourselves..both good and bad) I hope we all find what we are looking for..but more importantly, what we NEED 😀💪💞
My partner of three years left me a couple months ago. I never analyzed our relationship as deeply as I should have, including the concepts of this video. I will apply this wisdom and these tools to my future relationships and hope that it improves things better than my last relationship. Everything is a learning experience.
Your parents thought the same. You've spent your entire life looking at your parents from your perspective, criticizing them and finding all of their mistakes. In trying to compensate for theirs, you will have your own mistakes that your kids will point out to you. (If you decide to have kids that is)
Eloines Lol What if the person above was abused or grew up in a family where both his parent abused of him in some ways and simply he doesn't want to recreate the same parent-child relationship one day.
This video was so spot on. Me and my boyfriend are definitely option 2: treat each other as our parents treated us. We'll definitely try the thought experiment if we can...
As a kid if I spilled something, my dad would scream at me and call me stupid, and my sister did this to me too. Like for really any little cleaning things like that, like doing the dishes wrong or leaving the ketchup out. Now I do that to my partner and it makes me feel horrible about myself and him too. Wish I knew how to break the cycle
Pity be to the person who falls for the complicated one the abused, and the mentally screwed Pity be to the person who thinks they can repair or show them how "real love" goes Pity be to the person who can't make the abused suffer as suffer they must in order to feel loved Pity be to the abused one who has trashed the good man in her search for the real love Many lifetimes were chanced and lost, when life's path itself disappeared and she sunk Into the red moon's lagoon Her message "I'm sorry", too late
This is a good vid. but diff. for everybody. My bros. and I grew up in a crucially dysfunctional household. My mother is a shallow, dim-witted, materialist. My dad is an aggressive psychopath(no, not the hollywood definition of a psychopath, the medical definition.)My brothers and I decided to be the opposite of our parents and don't mate w/ anybody resembling them.
Insecurity has always been my biggest shortcoming. When I'm in a relationship I'm often overwhelmed with feelings of falsehood. I become low and irritable with these thoughts and eventually I become someone not worth being with.
This is why some people shouldn't have kids. They'll screw em up for life.Maybe in a very distant future we can have A.Is raising them, just to be safe. Personally though, i feel like i might be the opposite. I've had a quite chaotic childhood. My parents were as different as day and night and they'd constantly fight since as long as i can remember. Now as an adult i can't imagine seeking out or tolerating that kind of environment _willingly_ . I have little patience for it. I'd rather stay alone if "suffering" with company is the alternative. Basically the more spock like a partner the better for me.Not that i don't enjoy quirks or oddities in people, but a generally cool,level headed person would be good . :P
Whoa, this is just spot on for me. I broke up with my girlfriend recently for a bunch of reasons, but one of the main reasons I was going mad is I was constantly unsure if she really loved me. I'd use every little detail I could to enforce the idea that we were getting cold and she didn't feel a fraction of what she used to, in my mind. Turns out my mother often questioned (still does) my love for her. Wish I would have found this sooner, perhaps things might have turned out differently. Oh well, life moves on.
It would be great if you could remix the audio on this -- the first background music is distracting and kind of clashes with the nice artwork anyway, the background music at the end is too loud. I'm a native English speaker and still found it hard to follow. But I bought several copies of "The Course of Love" to give to friends as Christmas presents :)
The School of Life hey guys, i love your chanels topics but i cant listen to the narrator because the es sound is realy loud. It has become so irritating to me that i turn the video of as soon as i hear a loud es sound... its sad because i like most of your video's
GUYS, then watch it again or turn the captions on. It's not so hard to understand. By the way, since when are you professionals? None of you have uploaded a single video.
Everybody's got something. Don't try to change people. Expect people for who they are. Help when you can and know when someone needs space. Be the peace keeper
my partner is driving me mad because I want to live a simply life and just enough to take care of our family but he keeps working and working ,traveling all the times with the pretext that he wants to make me happy .wtf forcing wealth in my throat does not make me happy it's only make me lonely.
Not knowing the man, but maybe his sense of identity and self-worth come from his work, ambition, his ability to provide for his family? It provides him satisfaction. It might not be a 'pretext' at all.
my girlfriend is like that kinda. for here it comes from lack of financial stability as a kid affecting here parents treatment of her and her life in general. Wealth she feels is the answer for everything. Idk if that helps but perspective is always nice I think
Even if it's not all pretext... I do think they should compromise. Because we all get old. And the most tragic thing of all is to reach old age with all your money, and all your health...only to realize you don't know the person right next to you or the kids you had. Basically "life" had escaped you.
I feel you Angela! My fiance drives me mad he obsesses with making money and too focused with his financial goals. We always fight about it and he insists it's for me for our future family. But he ignores me and takes me for granted that i dont feel wanted or significant anymore. I keep reminding him it's about balance as well but i cant make him he believes what he believes. I love it about him that he's so driven but the same thing that irritates me. I want him to have a great career, of course, he's superman. But i want to pull his foot back to the ground that im down here. What matters most to me is time and effort. Men! *rolling my eyes*
I have taken my father’s personality when it comes to intimacy. My entire life my father picked and chose when to be in my life-when to be a father. He only wanted to love me when he was in the mood, and now that’s how I am. I only seek relationships in forms of temporary intimacy like hooking up. I find myself feeling overwhelmed when I have a person in my life that is trying to get my attention constantly. I have ruined or sabotaged many relationships because I knew if I didn’t then I would have to care for that person when I honestly just want to care about myself. That’s my father. I hate it so much. Lol
I had to experience my father and mother fight constantly all my childhood and adolescents. My father would tell my mother the most disgusting things imaginable. Like " You are worthless" "I hope you die of cancer" etc. Because of that I don't ever want to have a partner or friend. I'm scared of human relationships because of the fear of being hurt. I always try to cut off relationships as soon as I feel like Im getting too close to them. I'm just getting use to be being alone and I'm okay with that.
^ Agreed, it's a completely necessary aspect of functioning properly, they even teach health in schools as divided among Emotional/Mental, Physical, and SOCIAL categories. Humans were meant to be social creatures dude, it's how we learn from eachother and develop a sense of standing in society, I'm very sorry for your unfortunate upbringing, and I know how scary it can be to try and break away from that, and what you consider the truth in a given situation of extreme social anxiety (it's literally how you're developing brain interpreted the concept of relationships from your father), but it's such a needed and fulfilling part of life, you cannot ignore it or it will gnaw at you. You have to let yourself be emotionally vulnerable, not always but you have to take chances and accept when there's failures, because then you'll find the people who you'll most want to keep in life. I was socially inept until midway through highschool, I saw where my life was and where it was heading and I realized that I really wanted people in my life, genuine friends and people I could love and care for, and receive that back. Not everyone was capable of that, and it really, really hurt to feel rejection or resentment, but I've learned to roll with it and not let it roll over me, because life is just a series of waves that you have to learn to deal with and embrace. Pain can be a great teacher if you let it, try to observe what kind of thoughts you are feeling when you reach that limit, what makes you apprehensive, and just fight past it, logic it out of you're head, because the people you are developing it might really be worth it, and it might help you to put that nasty past behind you. It may not be for good, trauma like that can sometimes never be killed, but you can rise ABOVE it and choose to built around that wound with better hopes and stronger relationships. I hope the best for you.
Absolutely. The trauma of growing up in a dysfunctional household is very hard to understand for those who didn't experience it. When people like you do point that out, you have idiots (like the one who replied to you) trying to gaslight you.
I really really really really really really love this channel and team. I suggest to new customers, friends, family, this channel every day. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my oddly warming, cold heart.
Benji Blue Theres alot to gain. By being in a relationship you can learn about yourself and your beliefs from your childhood that you didnt realise you had...this way you can work on yourself and grow to become better.
I agree, there are so many problems, but as with every hard and problematic matter there are a lot to learn, about other people and even more about your self and you will grow a lot as person in dealing with many of problems you will be challenged.
As someone with a huge humiliation wound who grew up to fall in love with enemies-to-lovers relationships, this is both sad and inspiring 😭😭😭 It's harsh to face the fact that we were stirred in toxic paths as children and that undoing that wiring is difficult af, even borderline impossible. But we all deserve love and we will find it, especially if we know how to provide it and nurture it. It's not our destine to be alone or unhappy. The more we work on ourselves, the more we set ourselves up to greater things.
The funny thing is. I have always told myself that being single is the best way to be and have enjoyed being single for years. But out of nowhere, someone just happens to come into your life. You and that person just "click", and everything changes. Next thing you know you go on a date, and you just cant wait for the second one. But you know that puppy love phase is going to finish at some point while dating. And so you turn to "The School of Life" videos lol
All their videos are oversimplified. These topics can't be deal with in a few minutes. It's nice that they introduce these concepts but I hope people realize the effort and commitment required to deal with this stuff in a substantive manner.
This is definitely insightful information to people who have trouble recognizing these aspects of their psyche or who haven't matured to a certain point in their lives to where they can understand the mechanisms at work within relationships. But it certainly isn't the only reason relationships become strained, partners drive each other mad, or the relationship can be completely toxic.
This video helped me realize that my fear of intimacy may partly stem from my childhood. I won't let this knowledge excuse my own fear, but at least I better understand it. Thank you
Oh man I love your guys' videos!! Provides an avenue for bettering myself, as well as providing a rock for such turbulent times as we find ourselves in. Thank you!
This raises the question of whether this can be avoided when searching for a partner. The video suggests it cannot be avoided, because if a person didn't display these traits, we wouldn't find them attractive. Have I interpreted that correctly? Is there any good reason to think this is actually true?
Few of us were raised in perfect families. Few of us are profoundly damaged due to profound abuse. Many of us have inexplicable quirks that this, and several other School of Life videos attempts to explain. A six minute video isn't supposed to give us a path to redemption. I think it's supposed to make us aware. Some of us, who were raised in healthier families, won't relate to this video at all. Others, many others will. I showed this to my high school students and many resonated. So, the first step to solving any problem is to know there is a problem, then find the cause of the problem. Once we realize that we are attracted to messy people, we have a choice: flee or get in there and work. What that work looks like will vary based on the person and the relationship. AND if we are IN a relationship like this, to realize every relationship will have its own set of problems. John Gottman, a marriage researcher, says there are two types of problems: thos that can be solved and those that cannot. For example messy people will always be messy, spenders will always be spenders; savers will always be savers.. and that 85% of marital problems are the problems that cannot be solved. He conclues, "When we are choosing a partner, we are also choosing an entire set of problems we will most likely have for the rest of our lives." Sobering yet glorious.
Richard Wagner I believe that's why the School of Life videos tend to use the idea of choosing the kind of suffering you want (or can tolerate). There is no perfect partner, and no perfect relationship. Just different kinds of imperfect. But the question I was asking here is whether we are *only* attracted to people who make us suffer in the particular ways that feel like our childhood. Because if that is the case, then it's pointless trying to avoid such people (unless we want to be alone). We'd only find ourselves with someone who we weren't attracted to. Sure, they might not make us suffer in those familiar ways, but we wouldn't feel that passion towards them either. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case. The video seemed to suggest that it was, and I was asking the question, hoping for some clarity from TSOL, but it's probably not a question that anyone knows the answer to. It may well be different for everyone. Personally, I'm pretty happy being single (having been married before). It's not perfect, but in my experience I now doubt I'd be happier in a relationship. When it comes to "choosing the kind of suffering I can live with" - this will do, for now. :)
might be the main reason why I am not really into being with anyone at the moment. no matter how many times other people tell me that I am different, I have a vague feeling that I might end up being an ass like my parents were with each other. so i wanted to be fully in terms with that possibility before I let someone else suffer.
Or probably it's the other way around. why would I Want my wife to be as judgmental as my mom? I had my share with this torture long enough. i was lucky to have a wise wife that understood that.
Ironically, it's your videos that drive me mad (like this one) - a big burst of thoughts. Some of the things you say come across as an enlightening shadow born and bred on one doomed epiphany after another. Shadow, because it was always there but almost unconscious. As I watch the video I go through phases of - really? , oh no, jeez, that's sad - and so on back and forthe. Though somewhat depressing, it's still introspective, so thank-you. x
I think it's a little oversimplified but good video oberall. I would add that, it's a complex issue and not every childhood programming stays forever in our brain. With enough patience and mindfulness it's very possible to rewire as we age. Even subconscious attraction is very much in our control.
This is the first time 'the school of life' got me feeling sad, lonely and with an awful feeling in my gut. Normally I feel 'normal' by watching their video's and now I feel left-out or something. Both of my parents left when I was six, my mother because she got a new boyfriend, my father because he got a new wife, who was pregnant, and he rather have that child (literally what he said) I'm 25 years old now, live on my own, finished school, work full time, done a shitload of therapy in my life, and am finally starting to feel somewhat happy with myself. I know I never choose the right partners (cheaters, liars, non-commiters) so that's why I've been alone for a while, to start feeling good about myself without needing someone to "save" me, but now I've watched this and I guess I'm doomed? Because that's what it feels like watching this without having parents; or, parents who left because there was something "better". I guess I will always be the lesser one now? Always attracted to guys who will find someone better in the end? Damn, I really felt like I was going the right way, and now it hurts so much only thinking about this being true. I really feel like I deserve love, even if I'm not the easiest, am scared it will go because I'm not good enough and there is something better and overall find it very hard to feel loved.. I really would love to find it some day. It's been a long road. The school of life, I honestly don't know how to feel after watching this.. This is the first video destroying hope instead of giving some. But I still love the school of life anyway and just hope for a better video next time. Just had to get this off my chest. I understand and am happy about the fact that this video could be helpful for other people. I'm glad it is! Better luck next time :)
My anger toward something is complex. Has anyone ever gotten so _tired_ of someone they see constantly? I feel we see my mom's sister more than my two other aunts (marital), and I think I'm annoyed because...they're my favorites over the maternal aunt. I get to see the aunt I'm most annoyed with (secretly) than the aunts I enjoy, and I guess I feel that's not fair. It's her, her, her, her, her. Sisters can be SO annoying, especially as moms (with their sisterly comparisons). Besides, I think I resent their relationship a bit because I'm a brother with only sisters, and I feel brothers are less important than sisters? You know, brothers are for brothers and sisters are for sisters? This is a partial reference to our not seeing my mom's brothers as much, so it's sisters before misters. Like I said, it's complex. Is it possible I'm feeling is actually normal, so I'm not being an irrational bigot toward my one and only blood aunt (without her knowledge)?
They drive us mad because we're around them a lot, like some coworkers, family members, friends. The closer/more intimate you are with the person, the more the inner love/hate starts. You know you're starting to depend on someone emotionally/physically when you have not just love, but hatred/blame/disappointment in your thought towards them.
So wonderful a suggestion to imagine what a perfectly mature/reasonable person would do when confronted with the same problem I am faced with. I ask myself "What would the most mature person in the world do?" (like many people ask "What would Jesus do?"). I came up with that idea myself but hearing it suggested in this video really makes me feel like I was on to something good. Thanks :)
When you start to think what other people would do, you rid yourself of the chains of subjective thinking. You stop becoming the victim, and start becoming the problem solver.
I always thought that I worked the opposite way, that we look for the things that we lacked as a child. I noticed that almost every partner I had somehow evoked a supporting parent figure that I lacked when I was little...
and here I thought I knew what I wanted in a partner such as: love, commitment, loyalty etc...damnit! Why is life is so damn complicated! Lol oh well, guess I gotta keep on keeping on
So if I grew up in a troubled family with parents that fight all the time am I destined to have the same relationship? I'm currently in a relationship that is not like that at all and I love being in it.
It does sound suspiciously freudian doesn't it. And seeing the only source they give for this theory is a book we would have to buy from them, I call bs.
Well Alain de Botton's (the author) views are based on the premise that we are socialised mostly by our parents. So their behaviour affects our social development. I wouldn't say that anyone has "complexes", more like our parents teach us how to act.
But it seems like they're only addressing insecure attachment, and not secure attachment, or even resolved insecure attachment (which is a thing, just not as common).
This seems to be generalizing and oversimplifying. There's no doubt that our parents have a huge impact on our lives, but it can affect us in different ways. Maybe we do the opposite of what our parents did. Sometimes it's not a parent, but some other person that has an effect on you. My last relationship was nothing like my relationship with my parents. It was the opposite.
MacGuffin exactly, thank you. to say we only pick our partners solely because of our subconscious issues with our parents...doesn't seem right. the mind is so much more complex than this.
Well, I just left someone who I had the most intense chemistry with because she reminded me of my mother too much. It hurt too badly. I couldn't do it, but I'm also afraid that I won't be as drawn to anyone else as I was to her, and, if I am, they'll just end up having serious mental health problems again. I don't find much hope in Alan's conclusion that we must just learn to respond better. I think if their actions don't hurt us then perhaps these people wouldn't be as compelling to us? Nor does this video really help with the very tricky *how* of responding differently. I think responding differently will have to come from healing childhood wounds, but this seems very difficult since those wounds are very far outside of my consciousness, really. Not everyone can afford therapy, nor are all therapists particular helpful. Many of them just ask you to talk about your thoughts and feelings and they occasionally utter things in response. I feel I could get just as much help from reflecting thoughtfully on my own feelings in a diary and reading self-help books - which hasn't really helped restructure my entire way of relating and responding in romantic relationships, so the problem feels pretty intractable.
Nope. I think I was really lucky when I fell into a Minor in Psychology. It gave me much of the information that has helped me avoid this kind of tragic 'parent as lover' weirdness that seems to pervade so many of the relationships around me. I was VERY conscious of this biased aspect when I finally settled on my wife. Never had an unkind word from her (nor given one) simply because any criticism is honest and constructive; one of the very first things we talked about when we were dating and still a point that we often revisit in order to reaffirm the aspects of how we want to continue in our relationship. I think I not only got lucky, I also made my own luck by being so very aware of the pitfalls of psychologically requiring the above video's type of partner. Best single decision I've ever made in my life.
To grow, to get to know yourself AND your partner better...to see if you're compatible etc. We can learn a lot by interacting with others. Sometimes we learn that we like being alone after engaging with other people. Relationships are learning experiences and if you're lucky, you may find love. 😊
The ultimate point is growth and increasing your world lens...also, in a good relationship, you can feel a level of acceptance and safety to be vulnerable in a way you can’t usually find anywhere else. It can take a while, as people unfortunately have varying degrees of selfishness and in that can struggle to see others needs as important, which is imperative to making a relationship work. A bad relationship can feel horrible and lonely & one wants to escape...but a good, evolving relationship..feels like nothing else, completely, deeply accepted and sublime...it’s not easy though, so not many will experience it! It takes setting aside ego, operating from a place of love for the other person and dealing with issues...meet the right one willing to do that work and reciprocate and it’s AMAZING!!!
Thank you for your work; The School of Life is MAGNIFICENT! Could you please consider making films on these topics? Many thanks in advance! 1) Rationality & Cognitive Biases 2) Minimalism 3) Self-Sabotage 4) Conformity/herd mentality/groupthink 5) Self-destructive behaviour 6) Manipulation 7) Propaganda 8) Brainwashing
Another terrific film. Required a bit more concentration this time. Would be great if you also published transcripts for some of these films. TSOL is one of the best things online!
Love the videos. Thanks for everything. You have made me a better person with a firmer grasp of what it is to be human. You are a force for good in this world. Bless!
i always believe that in order to put all the effort and work into a relationship so we can walk through our flaws together, the number 1 condition is that this relationship has a solid foundation on mutual trust. I've always done my best to understand my partner and communicate , and yes sometimes it drives me mad, but my partner cheated on me and did it again and again... and I just felt no matter how much effort I put to do good for him and taking time to understand him, a relationship without trust just can't go anyway. He would always tell me that he does not see my effort or it's not enough...and he would continue his lies thinking that I would never find out....
My partner drives me mad because he is always hanging out with his friends and doesn't really spend much quality time with me. I don't mind him having friends and going out with them, but damn it, at least spend one day with me every so often. I mean, Christ, the only day we see each other is Saturday but instead of spend it with me he goes out with friends all day and then thinks a couple hours of Netflix and (maybe) chill is enough.
Some people will rebelliously choose a partner because they are different, or the opposite, than their opposite sex parent. Both choosing a partner because they are like, or just because they are different from, our parents is foolish. The wise live by reason, the average by experience, the stupid by necessity, and the savage by instinct. Sadly most people run purely off of instinct.
Maybe I am just failing to see the connection but even though my parents raised me and taught me a lot. I don't see any connection between the the kind of people my parents are and the kind of person I want to have a relationship with. There is also no connection between what careers my parents have and the kind of job i want to have.
I guess that's why the partners I had the strongest feelings for are the ones who gave me the least attention that I crave (and made me feel like I have to earn) because of my mom's neglect. If someone were too nice or too caring I'd like it at first but quickly feel smothered because that kind of love was never shown to me...
I had the best childhood out of everybody I know. My parents loved and still love each other and me, since I was an only child I was flooded with attention. Would I be seeking for someone like them because if so it will be the most difficult task . They are the most kind , generous people I know and their unconditional love has no limits
I feel like these topics are getting a bit repetitive to be honest. But, I still enjoyed the message of this video and I think it's very important to think about when in a relationship.
I don't buy it. My parents have a pretty unhealthy view of romantic love. My mum has openly admitted that she married my dad because of his social status/ earning potential, and she then had an affair that lasted for years with someone she thought was "the one". They've told me that they weren't particularly excited by each other, and basically just got married because that's what people do. My mum is absolutely all over the place emotionally, and doesn't really have any real, true friendships (just superficial ones). In terms of my relationship with my parents- my mum was never really there for me, favoured my brother a lot. My dad creeps me out with his sexist views of women, and having once referred to me as his "girlfriend", and often making weird jokes around me. We don't have much of a relationship now, just small talk. If we do talk about anything real, it's mum asking me for advice. I've managed to get into and stay in a relationship (coming up to 1.5 years) with a boy who's parents obviously aren't perfect, but genuinely love each other and have loved spending their lives together. They're fun, warm, jokey, sociable, and definitely have real and true friendships in their lives. He's got almost no emotional issues and is totally comfortable with who he is and has a peaceful and relaxed outlook on life. I've managed to come to a place of being comfortable with him by normalising the idea of love and healthy relationships in my mind. I never let him say that we have an especially happy or good relationship, because I have this strange thing where if I perceive myself to be doing "better" in any way than anyone else, I want to shut it down and cause it to fail. But anyway- we have a great, love based relationship with good communication and understanding of each other. He had a very healthy relationship with his parents, so I guess that helps. My parents' relationships with me, and their relationships with others, have definitely influenced my friendships- for some reason I'm having trouble forming friendships that are as real and strong as the friendships I had during my school years. But I really don't buy this "accept the flaws your parents have given you and be okay with it". You can change them! If my dad could come from my wonderful healthy grandparents and create an unhealthy relationship, I can come from an emotionally unhealthy family and create a healthy one. Yeah, it's good to recognise your beliefs about life and yourself and how they're flawed. But you don't need to stop there- you can change them!
So, what about seeking people who are better for us? Not just familiar? What if I'm familiar with a sulker, but know that I need someone brimming with positivity to stay productive in my own life? Am I doomed in that pursuit? Hasn't worked for me yet.
I won't let my self be limited by these ideas... No kidding man, what the heck??? The influence our childhood has on us can greatly change as we make it through middle school, high school, college, etc. There's so many filters that dilute that childhood influence he's talking about. I believe when you get treated like shit by your parents, you either have the chance to respond by growing up to be better than that, or you imitate it... That's it. And if you grow up from it and move on from it, you see those aspects as red flags...
The part about auditing what we say based on looking at how our parents treat us... That resonates. Except I feel like I try to avoid acting or receiving actions that I hated receiving from my aggressive father. Idk.
This video was generally insightful, but I'm a little put off by the parroting of Freudian nonsense that has been in many recent School Of Life videos. Past experiences influence present decision-making, sure, but wouldn't it be fairer and more true to say that "we need a partner to have a failing that we have been conditioned to expect in relationships" rather than to say with certainty that it has to be a failing of a "parent" particularly? Parents often do have the most profound conditioning effect on the widest range of our psychological expectations, but to chalk it all up to parents discounts the myriad of social forces exerted by education, friendships, siblings, religion, random traumas, and random formational encounters with the arts. The strict Freudian approach of it being all parents all the time always playing out loops in our lives is pretty limiting and pretty discredited, as far as I've heard. I love your videos, but would be excited to hear more complex analysis from a wider range of perspectives!
Ok so I've always been drawn to people who are 'unattainable' for some reason, like I can't really be with them for one reason or another. As a child my parents loved me but were always away working and would leave me at kindergarden, or leave to live with my grandparents and would only visit sometimes in weekends and whenever I was with them they would push me to go play with the other kids and I hated it because I thought the other kids were boring and stupid and wanted to be with my parents because they seemed interesting and cool. But subconsciously I felt I needed to stick to them as much as possible because I knew I wouldn't get to be with them for long. When I was 12 my mom and I moved to another country and my dad stayed behind. In the following years I would see my dad twice a year and my mom would spend time with me and my little brother (7 years younger) in the evenings after work and in the weekends, but not always because she wanted to have time for herself and go on dates to find a new man. The pattern of rejection continued and I always felt like the time spent with my parents was never enough. How do I deal with being only romantically interested in people I can't really be with (because they're either too old, not the right sexual orientation, or they just don't want a relationship at this point in their life). I want to break this pattern and I want to fall in love with someone who loves me back but you can't stir your feelings like that.
I just wrote a list of the fault in my parents, then bullet pointed how that may fuck my relationships and how their negative attributes may position the way I treat others. Surprisingly helpful lol
The biggest reason marriage and relationships is so difficult, and I'm saying I'm against it, is the fall of traditional values. Back then, it was simple: man marries woman arranged by family, man is the head of family and does work, woman stays home and takes care of kids,cook, clean and that is that and no one will complain and can say anything against it. But times are chaining, now woman have rights (and I'm not against that), they also have roles in society, and play an equal role in the relationship. Modernization, is simply why this stuff is becoming harder to cope because people are so fast now and so are relationships. That's why people are still so religious and conservative, it's a difficult thing to tackle.
If I had known that my childhood would have such a profound and unavoidable effect, I would have skipped it altogether 😂
No kidding! Who knew?
I think that would make it even harder especially to know what it feels like to be human at all. You would not be able to understand people in a way to feel empathy.
As you are grown up you still have that inner child in you, removing that would probably mean making you less human and imperfect at all. And probably make you more unhappy and empty.
@@nicolaskargruber LOL - hilarious!
I thought this was titled "Why our parents drive us mad"
it would make a good video
You know I thought the exact same thing.
Ah, I thought the same. Screw my speed-reading skills!
So did I until I read your comment
wouldn't change too much since the video deals with em.
WHY EMOTION ARE SO FUCKED UP IM SO TIRED
Batool right 😂😂😂
go to sleep.
It's so weird how we can absorb our parents behaviours and make them our own.
I was abused by my father and my mom would care a lot more about him than me when he was angry, and i had to remain as unmoved and quiet as possible for her to soothe him. And she would invite me to forget my pain and soothe him too. I interpreted her behaviour as a deep need to help others, and her love was more based on "who's the most in need", and he shouted and showed harder that he wanted and needed her.
Now, i am very attracted to those who are in need, suffering, in despair, even in friendship. And i accept being abused unconsciously while trying to help them. But what deeply attract me is men that are though tortured, kind, vulnerable, and not hostile at all. I idealize myself as a "big sister", as if realizing the wish for somebody protecting me with unconditionnal love and empathy. But i have also internalized, of course, part of my mother's behaviour.
Well damn!!!!! Are you willing to change though? To break the cycle?.
Angelina Oliver i try to run away as soon as i realize any person close to me is abusive since i realized the pattern, yes. But it's very hard to change whom you are attracted to. To be honest, i am usually so scared of hurting the other persons i've never tried any move towards my crushes, fearing i could hurt or be decieved as i have so vivid and pure projections about how we would work together. We humans are very weird and complex creatures so to say.
you will succeed eventually. good luck.
+Jériss DuFond I agree on that part it's true we humans are complicated... I just hope that there's someone out there that won't be a complete ass towards you...
just like you are talking my words in some ways.. good luck!
I really dont want a relationship like my parents. Mom is always mad at dad for no reason. I dont want to end up like that.
I'm sure there is a reason. Why don't you ask her what it is so you don't repeat them
me is my dad that get mad at my mom (and us) for no reason.
My parents have no fucking respect for eachother and it's misersble i need to get away
@@seamusoneill9666 yeah shut up
@@seamusoneill9666 *90% people
This seems a bit weird becuase i think i find myself looking for partners that are the exact opposite if what i experinced as a child. Things were always very rocky and uncertain growing up, and now i think i crave stability from a partner more than anything.
Jasmen P exactly!
Jasmen P conciously you crave stability but unconsciously you might looking for rockieness
Jasmen P 100% agree with you girl
I guess the surrounding idea is that our relationships from our childhood become the language we use in our relationships now. If we didn't like something then, it stays with us and whether we are conscious or not, it becomes a priority that we do not experience it again.
he said that we look for the failings we saw in our parents but then end up treating our partners the way our parents treated us. So in some ways you may be looking for something more stable but end up causing majority of the instability in the relationship yourself. I guess if we are all guilty of this behavior we just have to recognize it in ourselves and work through it with our chosen partner (and hope like heck they are ready and capable to handle that "failing" where our parent was not, maybe by communicating to our partners what we discover about ourselves..both good and bad) I hope we all find what we are looking for..but more importantly, what we NEED 😀💪💞
I feel personally attacked by this relatable content.
That is your mother's fault ;-)
Lol.
John O'Neill That was funny 😆
@@dtshifter 😂😂😂😂👌🏾
You have such a cool name!
I don't know why I'm watching this. I've been single for 19 years.
good for you
On the other hand I know a great deal of ppl with partners who are miserable.
Likely you do to
dang your one year ahead of me, I'll catch up soon though haha.
lol, i'm single too for 19 years. good thing i'm 19 year old so quit young.
22 here bro
My partner of three years left me a couple months ago. I never analyzed our relationship as deeply as I should have, including the concepts of this video. I will apply this wisdom and these tools to my future relationships and hope that it improves things better than my last relationship. Everything is a learning experience.
I DONT WANNA BE ANYTHING LIKE MY PARENTS
Your parents thought the same. You've spent your entire life looking at your parents from your perspective, criticizing them and finding all of their mistakes. In trying to compensate for theirs, you will have your own mistakes that your kids will point out to you. (If you decide to have kids that is)
Eloines
Lol
What if the person above was abused or grew up in a family where both his parent abused of him in some ways and simply he doesn't want to recreate the same parent-child relationship one day.
Me too
@@RacingPepe my parents literally hate eachother how else am i gonna interpret that
My partners drive me mad because they don't actually exist.
Maybe is a childhood thing... maybe you wanna remember your invisible imaginary friends...
Don't hold no-nexistance against them, how do we even know that we exist ourselves. I think therefore I am virtual.
DarkVortex42 even my imaginary girlfriend broke up with me
John O'Neill that could so easily be true it's scary
michael cook
what do u mean . did they die? r u adopted
This video was so spot on. Me and my boyfriend are definitely option 2: treat each other as our parents treated us. We'll definitely try the thought experiment if we can...
As a kid if I spilled something, my dad would scream at me and call me stupid, and my sister did this to me too. Like for really any little cleaning things like that, like doing the dishes wrong or leaving the ketchup out. Now I do that to my partner and it makes me feel horrible about myself and him too. Wish I knew how to break the cycle
Pity be to the person
who falls for the complicated one
the abused, and the mentally screwed
Pity be to the person
who thinks they can repair or show them
how "real love" goes
Pity be to the person
who can't make the abused suffer
as suffer they must
in order to feel loved
Pity be to the abused one
who has trashed the good man
in her search for the real love
Many lifetimes were chanced
and lost, when life's path itself
disappeared and she sunk
Into the red moon's lagoon
Her message "I'm sorry",
too late
who wrote this
me
my ex girlfriend 😔
sad, but now you know. Now i know me better and I stay away from people
It is beautiful and strikingly deep, yet realistic. Thank you !
This is a good vid. but diff. for everybody. My bros. and I grew up in a crucially dysfunctional household. My mother is a shallow, dim-witted, materialist. My dad is an aggressive psychopath(no, not the hollywood definition of a psychopath, the medical definition.)My brothers and I decided to be the opposite of our parents and don't mate w/ anybody resembling them.
the music at the end is too damn loud.
I liked the video but this is the internet, you have to complain about *something*
maxcoseti 😂😂😂
Lol 😂
Insecurity has always been my biggest shortcoming. When I'm in a relationship I'm often overwhelmed with feelings of falsehood. I become low and irritable with these thoughts and eventually I become someone not worth being with.
This is why some people shouldn't have kids. They'll screw em up for life.Maybe in a very distant future we can have A.Is raising them, just to be safe.
Personally though, i feel like i might be the opposite. I've had a quite chaotic childhood. My parents were as different as day and night and they'd constantly fight since as long as i can remember. Now as an adult i can't imagine seeking out or tolerating that kind of environment _willingly_ . I have little patience for it. I'd rather stay alone if "suffering" with company is the alternative. Basically the more spock like a partner the better for me.Not that i don't enjoy quirks or oddities in people, but a generally cool,level headed person would be good . :P
My mom drives me crazy, in a bad way. My wife drives me crazy, in a good way.
They are nothing alike.
Whoa, this is just spot on for me. I broke up with my girlfriend recently for a bunch of reasons, but one of the main reasons I was going mad is I was constantly unsure if she really loved me. I'd use every little detail I could to enforce the idea that we were getting cold and she didn't feel a fraction of what she used to, in my mind. Turns out my mother often questioned (still does) my love for her. Wish I would have found this sooner, perhaps things might have turned out differently. Oh well, life moves on.
It would be great if you could remix the audio on this -- the first background music is distracting and kind of clashes with the nice artwork anyway, the background music at the end is too loud. I'm a native English speaker and still found it hard to follow.
But I bought several copies of "The Course of Love" to give to friends as Christmas presents :)
Many thanks!
Erin Covert this is exactly what I wanted to comment. After seeing how you wrote it succinctly I don't feel the need to.
The School of Life hey guys, i love your chanels topics but i cant listen to the narrator because the es sound is realy loud. It has become so irritating to me that i turn the video of as soon as i hear a loud es sound... its sad because i like most of your video's
E Schel I LOVÉ the narrator's voice; feels both calm and (dare I say) sexy.... (Alain deBouton?)
GUYS, then watch it again or turn the captions on. It's not so hard to understand. By the way, since when are you professionals? None of you have uploaded a single video.
I don't have a partner. That drives me mad
JSR Devon Love ya vids. tell super gt i said hi
Ukid111 I will, and thanks man :)
You will be even more mad if you have a partner. lol
I read "Why Our Parents Drive Us Mad".
I guess we see what we want to see. :/
true.
Our partners are a reflection of our parents
Everybody's got something. Don't try to change people. Expect people for who they are. Help when you can and know when someone needs space. Be the peace keeper
So is that why couples call each other "baby"???
lmao valid point
I feel attracted to people who are good at hiding their emotions and let themselves be absorbed by their work. Could be worse.
This is so humbling in its truthfulness.
my partner is driving me mad because I want to live a simply life and just enough to take care of our family but he keeps working and working ,traveling all the times with the pretext that he wants to make me happy .wtf
forcing wealth in my throat does not make me happy
it's only make me lonely.
Not knowing the man, but maybe his sense of identity and self-worth come from his work, ambition, his ability to provide for his family? It provides him satisfaction. It might not be a 'pretext' at all.
Angela bel talk to him! Let him know in a serious manner
my girlfriend is like that kinda. for here it comes from lack of financial stability as a kid affecting here parents treatment of her and her life in general. Wealth she feels is the answer for everything. Idk if that helps but perspective is always nice I think
Even if it's not all pretext... I do think they should compromise. Because we all get old. And the most tragic thing of all is to reach old age with all your money, and all your health...only to realize you don't know the person right next to you or the kids you had. Basically "life" had escaped you.
I feel you Angela! My fiance drives me mad he obsesses with making money and too focused with his financial goals. We always fight about it and he insists it's for me for our future family. But he ignores me and takes me for granted that i dont feel wanted or significant anymore. I keep reminding him it's about balance as well but i cant make him he believes what he believes. I love it about him that he's so driven but the same thing that irritates me. I want him to have a great career, of course, he's superman. But i want to pull his foot back to the ground that im down here. What matters most to me is time and effort. Men! *rolling my eyes*
I have taken my father’s personality when it comes to intimacy. My entire life my father picked and chose when to be in my life-when to be a father. He only wanted to love me when he was in the mood, and now that’s how I am. I only seek relationships in forms of temporary intimacy like hooking up. I find myself feeling overwhelmed when I have a person in my life that is trying to get my attention constantly. I have ruined or sabotaged many relationships because I knew if I didn’t then I would have to care for that person when I honestly just want to care about myself. That’s my father. I hate it so much. Lol
I had to experience my father and mother fight constantly all my childhood and adolescents. My father would tell my mother the most disgusting things imaginable. Like " You are worthless" "I hope you die of cancer" etc. Because of that I don't ever want to have a partner or friend. I'm scared of human relationships because of the fear of being hurt. I always try to cut off relationships as soon as I feel like Im getting too close to them. I'm just getting use to be being alone and I'm okay with that.
Lovecove4 no you're not okay with it. trust me you need realtionships with people
^ Agreed, it's a completely necessary aspect of functioning properly, they even teach health in schools as divided among Emotional/Mental, Physical, and SOCIAL categories. Humans were meant to be social creatures dude, it's how we learn from eachother and develop a sense of standing in society, I'm very sorry for your unfortunate upbringing, and I know how scary it can be to try and break away from that, and what you consider the truth in a given situation of extreme social anxiety (it's literally how you're developing brain interpreted the concept of relationships from your father), but it's such a needed and fulfilling part of life, you cannot ignore it or it will gnaw at you. You have to let yourself be emotionally vulnerable, not always but you have to take chances and accept when there's failures, because then you'll find the people who you'll most want to keep in life.
I was socially inept until midway through highschool, I saw where my life was and where it was heading and I realized that I really wanted people in my life, genuine friends and people I could love and care for, and receive that back. Not everyone was capable of that, and it really, really hurt to feel rejection or resentment, but I've learned to roll with it and not let it roll over me, because life is just a series of waves that you have to learn to deal with and embrace. Pain can be a great teacher if you let it, try to observe what kind of thoughts you are feeling when you reach that limit, what makes you apprehensive, and just fight past it, logic it out of you're head, because the people you are developing it might really be worth it, and it might help you to put that nasty past behind you. It may not be for good, trauma like that can sometimes never be killed, but you can rise ABOVE it and choose to built around that wound with better hopes and stronger relationships. I hope the best for you.
Palafico3 thanks I appreciate your advice :)
Absolutely. The trauma of growing up in a dysfunctional household is very hard to understand for those who didn't experience it. When people like you do point that out, you have idiots (like the one who replied to you) trying to gaslight you.
how are you doing right now?
Imagine what we could be if we all learned to make peace with our childhoods as we become adults, whether they were good or bad.
I'm brazilian and I love here, but sometimes I cannot understand the english. It wold be nice to have subtitles in english to help! :)
Sometimes they do, especially in the Literature or Philosophy videos
tem subtítulo sim, vc tá assistindo no pc ou no celular?
No pc. Mas só tem aquele gerado automaticamente no YT que as vezes falha!
Tá Querida hmmm, verdade, ele não é dos melhores hahaha, aí é como o outro cara falou, as vezes eles fazem só...
I agree, understanding English is a little difficult sometimes as a non-native speaker. English subtitles would help a lot!
"They might have the inner freedom to make a joke out of a problem." I felt that 😔😶
I really really really really really really love this channel and team. I suggest to new customers, friends, family, this channel every day. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my oddly warming, cold heart.
I would rather fly solo. Then I won't cause any problems for others, and waste their and my time :)
Benji Blue assume solo until proven otherwise! This is the only way to live
Jeremy Seinfeld Yep :D
Benji Blue me too, too many problems for so few benefits
Benji Blue Theres alot to gain. By being in a relationship you can learn about yourself and your beliefs from your childhood that you didnt realise you had...this way you can work on yourself and grow to become better.
I agree, there are so many problems, but as with every hard and problematic matter there are a lot to learn, about other people and even more about your self and you will grow a lot as person in dealing with many of problems you will be challenged.
As someone with a huge humiliation wound who grew up to fall in love with enemies-to-lovers relationships, this is both sad and inspiring 😭😭😭 It's harsh to face the fact that we were stirred in toxic paths as children and that undoing that wiring is difficult af, even borderline impossible. But we all deserve love and we will find it, especially if we know how to provide it and nurture it. It's not our destine to be alone or unhappy. The more we work on ourselves, the more we set ourselves up to greater things.
The funny thing is. I have always told myself that being single is the best way to be and have enjoyed being single for years. But out of nowhere, someone just happens to come into your life. You and that person just "click", and everything changes. Next thing you know you go on a date, and you just cant wait for the second one. But you know that puppy love phase is going to finish at some point while dating. And so you turn to "The School of Life" videos lol
How did it go?
Story of my LIFE. I feel like this is a bit oversimplified, but it's really nice to see a video teaching people about this
All their videos are oversimplified. These topics can't be deal with in a few minutes. It's nice that they introduce these concepts but I hope people realize the effort and commitment required to deal with this stuff in a substantive manner.
This is definitely insightful information to people who have trouble recognizing these aspects of their psyche or who haven't matured to a certain point in their lives to where they can understand the mechanisms at work within relationships. But it certainly isn't the only reason relationships become strained, partners drive each other mad, or the relationship can be completely toxic.
This video helped me realize that my fear of intimacy may partly stem from my childhood. I won't let this knowledge excuse my own fear, but at least I better understand it. Thank you
Oh man I love your guys' videos!! Provides an avenue for bettering myself, as well as providing a rock for such turbulent times as we find ourselves in.
Thank you!
Can you do a video on how to keep a diary? And one on the dangers of social media in terms of unrealistic portrayals of glamorous lives?
This raises the question of whether this can be avoided when searching for a partner. The video suggests it cannot be avoided, because if a person didn't display these traits, we wouldn't find them attractive. Have I interpreted that correctly? Is there any good reason to think this is actually true?
I'd like to know the answer for this question as well...
Same, I'd quite like to know a good answer to this.
Based on personal experience, no. I think this video is incredibly (and needlessly) negative.
Few of us were raised in perfect families. Few of us are profoundly damaged due to profound abuse. Many of us have inexplicable quirks that this, and several other School of Life videos attempts to explain. A six minute video isn't supposed to give us a path to redemption. I think it's supposed to make us aware. Some of us, who were raised in healthier families, won't relate to this video at all. Others, many others will. I showed this to my high school students and many resonated. So, the first step to solving any problem is to know there is a problem, then find the cause of the problem. Once we realize that we are attracted to messy people, we have a choice: flee or get in there and work. What that work looks like will vary based on the person and the relationship. AND if we are IN a relationship like this, to realize every relationship will have its own set of problems. John Gottman, a marriage researcher, says there are two types of problems: thos that can be solved and those that cannot. For example messy people will always be messy, spenders will always be spenders; savers will always be savers.. and that 85% of marital problems are the problems that cannot be solved. He conclues, "When we are choosing a partner, we are also choosing an entire set of problems we will most likely have for the rest of our lives." Sobering yet glorious.
Richard Wagner I believe that's why the School of Life videos tend to use the idea of choosing the kind of suffering you want (or can tolerate). There is no perfect partner, and no perfect relationship. Just different kinds of imperfect.
But the question I was asking here is whether we are *only* attracted to people who make us suffer in the particular ways that feel like our childhood. Because if that is the case, then it's pointless trying to avoid such people (unless we want to be alone). We'd only find ourselves with someone who we weren't attracted to. Sure, they might not make us suffer in those familiar ways, but we wouldn't feel that passion towards them either. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case. The video seemed to suggest that it was, and I was asking the question, hoping for some clarity from TSOL, but it's probably not a question that anyone knows the answer to. It may well be different for everyone.
Personally, I'm pretty happy being single (having been married before). It's not perfect, but in my experience I now doubt I'd be happier in a relationship. When it comes to "choosing the kind of suffering I can live with" - this will do, for now. :)
might be the main reason why I am not really into being with anyone at the moment. no matter how many times other people tell me that I am different, I have a vague feeling that I might end up being an ass like my parents were with each other. so i wanted to be fully in terms with that possibility before I let someone else suffer.
Or probably it's the other way around.
why would I Want my wife to be as judgmental as my mom? I had my share with this torture long enough. i was lucky to have a wise wife that understood that.
Ironically, it's your videos that drive me mad (like this one) - a big burst of thoughts. Some of the things you say come across as an enlightening shadow born and bred on one doomed epiphany after another. Shadow, because it was always there but almost unconscious. As I watch the video I go through phases of - really? , oh no, jeez, that's sad - and so on back and forthe. Though somewhat depressing, it's still introspective, so thank-you. x
Shit no wonder relationships always fail...Better to just pump and dump.
That can fail too and end up becoming a relationship...
Freud is so much rejected by modern psychology and yet we continue to see that his ideas are applied to every single aspect of life. And they work!
This channel is better than therapy. Im serious.
I think it's a little oversimplified but good video oberall.
I would add that, it's a complex issue and not every childhood programming stays forever in our brain. With enough patience and mindfulness it's very possible to rewire as we age. Even subconscious attraction is very much in our control.
Your team's writing skills are adorable!
I always love it how they connect the relationship with parents and childhood with partnership now.
this will be, along with a very long love letter, the Christmas gift i give my partner of 30 years. thank you with all my heart
This is the first time 'the school of life' got me feeling sad, lonely and with an awful feeling in my gut. Normally I feel 'normal' by watching their video's and now I feel left-out or something. Both of my parents left when I was six, my mother because she got a new boyfriend, my father because he got a new wife, who was pregnant, and he rather have that child (literally what he said) I'm 25 years old now, live on my own, finished school, work full time, done a shitload of therapy in my life, and am finally starting to feel somewhat happy with myself. I know I never choose the right partners (cheaters, liars, non-commiters) so that's why I've been alone for a while, to start feeling good about myself without needing someone to "save" me, but now I've watched this and I guess I'm doomed? Because that's what it feels like watching this without having parents; or, parents who left because there was something "better". I guess I will always be the lesser one now? Always attracted to guys who will find someone better in the end? Damn, I really felt like I was going the right way, and now it hurts so much only thinking about this being true. I really feel like I deserve love, even if I'm not the easiest, am scared it will go because I'm not good enough and there is something better and overall find it very hard to feel loved.. I really would love to find it some day. It's been a long road. The school of life, I honestly don't know how to feel after watching this.. This is the first video destroying hope instead of giving some.
But I still love the school of life anyway and just hope for a better video next time. Just had to get this off my chest.
I understand and am happy about the fact that this video could be helpful for other people. I'm glad it is!
Better luck next time :)
Or you can think that now you know the issue. So you may find the solution. What say? 4 years? How did it go?
Hope youre doing well 🙂
"video's"
Tough road, huh. Wish u best regards
@@ulrixsilver Thank you, I wish you the same!
My anger toward something is complex. Has anyone ever gotten so _tired_ of someone they see constantly? I feel we see my mom's sister more than my two other aunts (marital), and I think I'm annoyed because...they're my favorites over the maternal aunt. I get to see the aunt I'm most annoyed with (secretly) than the aunts I enjoy, and I guess I feel that's not fair. It's her, her, her, her, her. Sisters can be SO annoying, especially as moms (with their sisterly comparisons). Besides, I think I resent their relationship a bit because I'm a brother with only sisters, and I feel brothers are less important than sisters? You know, brothers are for brothers and sisters are for sisters? This is a partial reference to our not seeing my mom's brothers as much, so it's sisters before misters. Like I said, it's complex. Is it possible I'm feeling is actually normal, so I'm not being an irrational bigot toward my one and only blood aunt (without her knowledge)?
They drive us mad because we're around them a lot, like some coworkers, family members, friends. The closer/more intimate you are with the person, the more the inner love/hate starts. You know you're starting to depend on someone emotionally/physically when you have not just love, but hatred/blame/disappointment in your thought towards them.
Your family is good at pushing your buttons because they installed them.
So wonderful a suggestion to imagine what a perfectly mature/reasonable person would do when confronted with the same problem I am faced with. I ask myself "What would the most mature person in the world do?" (like many people ask "What would Jesus do?"). I came up with that idea myself but hearing it suggested in this video really makes me feel like I was on to something good. Thanks :)
Yes, absolutely; so glad this video chimed with you.
When you start to think what other people would do, you rid yourself of the chains of subjective thinking. You stop becoming the victim, and start becoming the problem solver.
I always thought that I worked the opposite way, that we look for the things that we lacked as a child. I noticed that almost every partner I had somehow evoked a supporting parent figure that I lacked when I was little...
and here I thought I knew what I wanted in a partner such as: love, commitment, loyalty etc...damnit! Why is life is so damn complicated! Lol oh well, guess I gotta keep on keeping on
Holy moly your channel is so deep and yet so incredibly easy to understand. Thanks so much
So if I grew up in a troubled family with parents that fight all the time am I destined to have the same relationship? I'm currently in a relationship that is not like that at all and I love being in it.
This video oversimplifies it a bit
"bit"
Could you go into detail? Or lead me in the right direction?
Luck exists.
partners only drive each other mad when the are dysfunctional or simply not compatible. High Drama Equals High Dysfunction.
I love the "zone of possibility" term. Fantastic video!
We all have Mommy/Daddy complexes? I don't think that's true.
It does sound suspiciously freudian doesn't it. And seeing the only source they give for this theory is a book we would have to buy from them, I call bs.
Yea, I'd like to find some truth in a scientific journal or something
They are basically re-stating Bowlby's theory of attachment. Look up 'internal working model' by Bowlby.
Well Alain de Botton's (the author) views are based on the premise that we are socialised mostly by our parents. So their behaviour affects our social development. I wouldn't say that anyone has "complexes", more like our parents teach us how to act.
But it seems like they're only addressing insecure attachment, and not secure attachment, or even resolved insecure attachment (which is a thing, just not as common).
This seems to be generalizing and oversimplifying. There's no doubt that our parents have a huge impact on our lives, but it can affect us in different ways. Maybe we do the opposite of what our parents did. Sometimes it's not a parent, but some other person that has an effect on you.
My last relationship was nothing like my relationship with my parents. It was the opposite.
MacGuffin exactly, thank you. to say we only pick our partners solely because of our subconscious issues with our parents...doesn't seem right. the mind is so much more complex than this.
I really liked the navigating the rocks statement
Well, I just left someone who I had the most intense chemistry with because she reminded me of my mother too much. It hurt too badly. I couldn't do it, but I'm also afraid that I won't be as drawn to anyone else as I was to her, and, if I am, they'll just end up having serious mental health problems again. I don't find much hope in Alan's conclusion that we must just learn to respond better. I think if their actions don't hurt us then perhaps these people wouldn't be as compelling to us? Nor does this video really help with the very tricky *how* of responding differently. I think responding differently will have to come from healing childhood wounds, but this seems very difficult since those wounds are very far outside of my consciousness, really. Not everyone can afford therapy, nor are all therapists particular helpful. Many of them just ask you to talk about your thoughts and feelings and they occasionally utter things in response. I feel I could get just as much help from reflecting thoughtfully on my own feelings in a diary and reading self-help books - which hasn't really helped restructure my entire way of relating and responding in romantic relationships, so the problem feels pretty intractable.
Nope. I think I was really lucky when I fell into a Minor in Psychology. It gave me much of the information that has helped me avoid this kind of tragic 'parent as lover' weirdness that seems to pervade so many of the relationships around me. I was VERY conscious of this biased aspect when I finally settled on my wife. Never had an unkind word from her (nor given one) simply because any criticism is honest and constructive; one of the very first things we talked about when we were dating and still a point that we often revisit in order to reaffirm the aspects of how we want to continue in our relationship.
I think I not only got lucky, I also made my own luck by being so very aware of the pitfalls of psychologically requiring the above video's type of partner. Best single decision I've ever made in my life.
i have a question
what is the point of a relationship?
JimJimJimNL
No, it's the courtesy reach around.
Betty Jean thanks but heres my problem... a friend can also give u all of that.....
so really apart from sex whats point
To grow, to get to know yourself AND your partner better...to see if you're compatible etc. We can learn a lot by interacting with others. Sometimes we learn that we like being alone after engaging with other people. Relationships are learning experiences and if you're lucky, you may find love. 😊
The ultimate point is growth and increasing your world lens...also, in a good relationship, you can feel a level of acceptance and safety to be vulnerable in a way you can’t usually find anywhere else. It can take a while, as people unfortunately have varying degrees of selfishness and in that can struggle to see others needs as important, which is imperative to making a relationship work.
A bad relationship can feel horrible and lonely & one wants to escape...but a good, evolving relationship..feels like nothing else, completely, deeply accepted and sublime...it’s not easy though, so not many will experience it! It takes setting aside ego, operating from a place of love for the other person and dealing with issues...meet the right one willing to do that work and reciprocate and it’s AMAZING!!!
This makes me truly upset because I don't want my relationship with my parent to reflect on my partner.
Thank you for your work; The School of Life is MAGNIFICENT!
Could you please consider making films on these topics?
Many thanks in advance!
1) Rationality & Cognitive Biases
2) Minimalism
3) Self-Sabotage
4) Conformity/herd mentality/groupthink
5) Self-destructive behaviour
6) Manipulation
7) Propaganda
8) Brainwashing
Another terrific film. Required a bit more concentration this time. Would be great if you also published transcripts for some of these films. TSOL is one of the best things online!
Love the videos. Thanks for everything. You have made me a better person with a firmer grasp of what it is to be human. You are a force for good in this world. Bless!
i always believe that in order to put all the effort and work into a relationship so we can walk through our flaws together, the number 1 condition is that this relationship has a solid foundation on mutual trust. I've always done my best to understand my partner and communicate , and yes sometimes it drives me mad, but my partner cheated on me and did it again and again... and I just felt no matter how much effort I put to do good for him and taking time to understand him, a relationship without trust just can't go anyway. He would always tell me that he does not see my effort or it's not enough...and he would continue his lies thinking that I would never find out....
patience is the key word
My partner drives me mad because he is always hanging out with his friends and doesn't really spend much quality time with me. I don't mind him having friends and going out with them, but damn it, at least spend one day with me every so often. I mean, Christ, the only day we see each other is Saturday but instead of spend it with me he goes out with friends all day and then thinks a couple hours of Netflix and (maybe) chill is enough.
So... Wht about people who pick people who are more supportive then thier parents?
Some people will rebelliously choose a partner because they are different, or the opposite, than their opposite sex parent. Both choosing a partner because they are like, or just because they are different from, our parents is foolish. The wise live by reason, the average by experience, the stupid by necessity, and the savage by instinct. Sadly most people run purely off of instinct.
I live by all of these things, lol
Oh, they are mentally very healthy people. But I am afraid most of us are not...
I wouldn't call it "foolish" since it is largely a subconscious phenomenon.
Riley Schwarcz I agree, but I would say it would be wise to not let yourself be guided purely by your subconscious or your instincts.
Maybe I am just failing to see the connection but even though my parents raised me and taught me a lot. I don't see any connection between the the kind of people my parents are and the kind of person I want to have a relationship with. There is also no connection between what careers my parents have and the kind of job i want to have.
Basically know yourself and what makes you-you, before looking for what you want in someone else.
I live on this channel, I have built myself a small home here.
The best yet. Well done. Very, well done.
I guess that's why the partners I had the strongest feelings for are the ones who gave me the least attention that I crave (and made me feel like I have to earn) because of my mom's neglect. If someone were too nice or too caring I'd like it at first but quickly feel smothered because that kind of love was never shown to me...
That' s very sad.
I had the best childhood out of everybody I know. My parents loved and still love each other and me, since I was an only child I was flooded with attention. Would I be seeking for someone like them because if so it will be the most difficult task . They are the most kind , generous people I know and their unconditional love has no limits
If things were perfect they would be boring. I stay with my partner because it goes deeper than perfection. Messy can be good.
you're lying to your self, not messy is worlds better
I feel like these topics are getting a bit repetitive to be honest. But, I still enjoyed the message of this video and I think it's very important to think about when in a relationship.
I don't buy it. My parents have a pretty unhealthy view of romantic love. My mum has openly admitted that she married my dad because of his social status/ earning potential, and she then had an affair that lasted for years with someone she thought was "the one". They've told me that they weren't particularly excited by each other, and basically just got married because that's what people do. My mum is absolutely all over the place emotionally, and doesn't really have any real, true friendships (just superficial ones). In terms of my relationship with my parents- my mum was never really there for me, favoured my brother a lot. My dad creeps me out with his sexist views of women, and having once referred to me as his "girlfriend", and often making weird jokes around me. We don't have much of a relationship now, just small talk. If we do talk about anything real, it's mum asking me for advice.
I've managed to get into and stay in a relationship (coming up to 1.5 years) with a boy who's parents obviously aren't perfect, but genuinely love each other and have loved spending their lives together. They're fun, warm, jokey, sociable, and definitely have real and true friendships in their lives. He's got almost no emotional issues and is totally comfortable with who he is and has a peaceful and relaxed outlook on life. I've managed to come to a place of being comfortable with him by normalising the idea of love and healthy relationships in my mind. I never let him say that we have an especially happy or good relationship, because I have this strange thing where if I perceive myself to be doing "better" in any way than anyone else, I want to shut it down and cause it to fail. But anyway- we have a great, love based relationship with good communication and understanding of each other. He had a very healthy relationship with his parents, so I guess that helps.
My parents' relationships with me, and their relationships with others, have definitely influenced my friendships- for some reason I'm having trouble forming friendships that are as real and strong as the friendships I had during my school years. But I really don't buy this "accept the flaws your parents have given you and be okay with it". You can change them! If my dad could come from my wonderful healthy grandparents and create an unhealthy relationship, I can come from an emotionally unhealthy family and create a healthy one.
Yeah, it's good to recognise your beliefs about life and yourself and how they're flawed. But you don't need to stop there- you can change them!
You have always meaningfull and clear messages. Thank you.
can you do a video on why people stop talking to their friends and family when they get in a relationship?
They are consumed with the relationship in the beginning.
So, what about seeking people who are better for us? Not just familiar? What if I'm familiar with a sulker, but know that I need someone brimming with positivity to stay productive in my own life?
Am I doomed in that pursuit? Hasn't worked for me yet.
I won't let my self be limited by these ideas... No kidding man, what the heck??? The influence our childhood has on us can greatly change as we make it through middle school, high school, college, etc. There's so many filters that dilute that childhood influence he's talking about. I believe when you get treated like shit by your parents, you either have the chance to respond by growing up to be better than that, or you imitate it... That's it. And if you grow up from it and move on from it, you see those aspects as red flags...
The part about auditing what we say based on looking at how our parents treat us... That resonates. Except I feel like I try to avoid acting or receiving actions that I hated receiving from my aggressive father. Idk.
wow, the animation is simply beautiful!
this is why i enjoy the single life more and more.
Sometimes i get depressed about being single. Then I see the drama women drag into men's lives and realize I don't care for that crap!
Or the drama that men (some men, the same as some women) drag into women's lives! ;)
Peace. :)
This video was generally insightful, but I'm a little put off by the parroting of Freudian nonsense that has been in many recent School Of Life videos. Past experiences influence present decision-making, sure, but wouldn't it be fairer and more true to say that "we need a partner to have a failing that we have been conditioned to expect in relationships" rather than to say with certainty that it has to be a failing of a "parent" particularly? Parents often do have the most profound conditioning effect on the widest range of our psychological expectations, but to chalk it all up to parents discounts the myriad of social forces exerted by education, friendships, siblings, religion, random traumas, and random formational encounters with the arts. The strict Freudian approach of it being all parents all the time always playing out loops in our lives is pretty limiting and pretty discredited, as far as I've heard. I love your videos, but would be excited to hear more complex analysis from a wider range of perspectives!
its the parents bro
i find this video to be one of the best lectures produced here
Jesus... ive listen to a few of these....this guy is the best I've ever heard...
Ok so I've always been drawn to people who are 'unattainable' for some reason, like I can't really be with them for one reason or another. As a child my parents loved me but were always away working and would leave me at kindergarden, or leave to live with my grandparents and would only visit sometimes in weekends and whenever I was with them they would push me to go play with the other kids and I hated it because I thought the other kids were boring and stupid and wanted to be with my parents because they seemed interesting and cool. But subconsciously I felt I needed to stick to them as much as possible because I knew I wouldn't get to be with them for long. When I was 12 my mom and I moved to another country and my dad stayed behind. In the following years I would see my dad twice a year and my mom would spend time with me and my little brother (7 years younger) in the evenings after work and in the weekends, but not always because she wanted to have time for herself and go on dates to find a new man. The pattern of rejection continued and I always felt like the time spent with my parents was never enough.
How do I deal with being only romantically interested in people I can't really be with (because they're either too old, not the right sexual orientation, or they just don't want a relationship at this point in their life). I want to break this pattern and I want to fall in love with someone who loves me back but you can't stir your feelings like that.
I just wrote a list of the fault in my parents, then bullet pointed how that may fuck my relationships and how their negative attributes may position the way I treat others. Surprisingly helpful lol
Lol, now you can break the cycle!
The biggest reason marriage and relationships is so difficult, and I'm saying I'm against it, is the fall of traditional values. Back then, it was simple: man marries woman arranged by family, man is the head of family and does work, woman stays home and takes care of kids,cook, clean and that is that and no one will complain and can say anything against it. But times are chaining, now woman have rights (and I'm not against that), they also have roles in society, and play an equal role in the relationship. Modernization, is simply why this stuff is becoming harder to cope because people are so fast now and so are relationships. That's why people are still so religious and conservative, it's a difficult thing to tackle.
Right in the yugular again School of Life, thanks for the insight!