I love this. Thank you. I have struggled with self compassion all my life. I also really love the format of your videos. There's no crazy and distracting graphics or music. I really enjoy just listening to you, and your voice is very soft and comforting.
This is so insughtful and well-produced (as always), and I think misses one key fact: many if us don't know how to be properly self-compassionate. This is from where much of the fear and many of the myths you address arise; the results we fear (laziness, selfishness, etc) often do arise when we first try practicing self compassion. It feels reductionist to simply say all of these notions about self-compassion are false when they can still arise from very real experiences trying our best to love ourselves, but not yet knowing how. The example of letting your child eat junk food is a good one: on my journey to self compassion, I'm still learning what the difference is between discipline that comes from love for my future self, and discipline that comes from shame, destructive xoping mechabisms, etc. It's incredibly difficult for me to know when letting myself eat cake, for example, is an act of self-love or an act of self-destruction. I think the fear that self-compassion will make us suddenly lazy is extremely true for those of us who operated entirely based on shame and fear; once we start undoing that as our motivator, it takes a long time for joy and self-love to step in as our new motivation. In the interim there is indeed a lot of laziness, self-preoccupation, lack of discipline and drive, etc.
Oh my God I love that you debunked the myth 'you have to love yourself before you can love others.' Some of the most loving and compassionate people I have ever known were people who had suffered so much, who struggled to love themselves, but loved others with such deep and tender compassion. I have also been that person. Thank you for breaking apart the nuanced difference. Yes - the chief problem is that we abandon ourselves and our needs to love others, and the solution is better and more clear boundaries - this does not diminish the love we give to others nor our capacity to love others. Or maybe it does? Either way, thank you for this - I was beginning to believe that loving others from a broken place was wrong and it was making life so much more dreadful, dreary and depressing. Love is everything to me and to live without it has been so markedly dark and depressing. This is such a lovely video, thank you.
Actually I've been struggling with a severe lack of self-compassion and this whole video was exceptionally illuminating for me. Thank you, I have a lot to think about.
Your videos are so insightful! They kind of make me feel all warmed up inside. Your tone, your voice. You are a gift to therapists! I so wish I could study with you...
I was just thinking of this topic this afternoon! I wished I had checked RUclips earlier to see it live! Self compassion is great it increases our self esteem and our presence and all the wonderful things you mentioned! Thank you for the great video!
Thank you so much. Such clarity around those who exercise lots of compassion towards others but not much towards themselves. Self compassion rules. More power to your elbow.
That was great! It’s true. Who would I be if I didn’t hold myself back out of fear and negativity? It seems to me like the subconscious mind responds to our life, moment by moment, with an endless stream of inner personas who need our conscious acceptance in order to express through our emotions.
This was an informative and eye-opening look at the real toll that being so critical of ourselves take on our lives. For me, it somehow seemed to hurt less when the criticism came from myself, so it became a reflexive preemptive strike. It would be very helpful to have some information/guidance about shifting this pattern and building our self-compassion "muscles".
i don't know how....nearly 40 and I'm still repeating very toxic and negative things to myself. 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️ I had a religious upbringing that programmed me for despair and negative thinking. i don't identify or agree with that way of thinking and yet it persists. ugh I'm tired and jealous of others. and others get the sense I'm damaged. duh. it leads to more isolation. yep, I'm stuck in a hellscape of sorts
I was the same way for years then my therapist told me this: "If your twin brother (who I lost years ago) was having difficulty with something and you heard somebody yelling at him "you loser, what's wrong with you!" how would you feel? Would you think he deserves that treatment, or compassion?" That really stuck with me. Just as we would never verbally blame a friend or family member who was struggling with something (we'd help them), we shouldn't be anything but compassionate with ourselves when we are having a hard time with life. So picture somebody you love in a bad spot. Now picture yourself yelling at them negatively. How does it make you feel? Now apply this to yourself and your own thoughts. I'm glad that Tori made this video because I've been slipping lately and this is a good refresher. @@thunderpooch
I didn’t get much work done at my job last week and I was kicking myself the entire week about it, about resting (none of it was actually restful, I was just drill sergeant shaming myself), so I ended up working the entire weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. I barely slept today and went into the office and again couldn’t get much done, and I was falling into a shame spiral. Before this video I was tempted to continue down the route I’ve going & work tonight (which I’d been dreading), but now I’m wondering if I’ve been screaming at a kid to do better without stopping to see what’s up & how I can help. Thanks for this.
Yes, yes!! That's a great comparison, and so glad you are thinking about it! It's so simple, really, and yet we can go on and on without slowing down in this way...in this very basic, kind way that actually brings some resource, and possibility for a deeper shift. :)
I still find it so difficult to visualise how to be compassionate to myself. Even after doing a lot of research and therapy. I often get stuck on caring for my overwhelm or emotions in the moment and giving myself space and time to breathe, or investing in the long-term and doing some task or social event. Then if I admit to myself I have limited capacity, what do I still do and what do I let go? I find it so confusing and exhausting :/.
Hey, for me the first step to self compassion is to simply notice these different parts compassionately as they pop up and then bring your attention back to the body in the present… for example you might notice a thought like ‘oh no I’m feeling so overwhelmed’ along with strong feelings of anxiety - so take a moment to mentally step back and compassionately notice those thoughts and feelings and then remember that this is simply a concerned part of you that is trying to help protect you from something that you probably fear deep down which you may not yet be aware of… and then gently bring your attention back to the present moment and to the reality that you are safe and ok even though you may feel uncomfortable… notice the feeling of breath in your body… and the physical sensations of your feelings in the body without believing the mental story of ‘how bad they feel’… And then when you feel an impulse to start some long term project - just stop and recognise that too… you may decide to go ahead with it or not, but the first step is to notice the impulse with compassion as this is likely another part of you that’s just trying to help… check out Tori’s IFS videos for more info… Good luck and keep going, you’ll get there! ❤
What to do if Some one tells me you that he loves you when you get comfortable with him he starts derespecting you. When distance yourself then he harms himself physically
shame robs you from the ability to own up to your mistakes and seek reconciliation: "you didn't make a mistake, you ARE the mistake. so give up because a mistake can't possibly make things right." it's not entirely wrong to argue that people's actions define them as long as it leaves open that you can fix something you did: owning up to a mistake would be an action that also defines you positively. but your body doesn't have that foresight when feeling emotions. shame feels permanent and unchangeable. in that moment, it becomes what you are. so your body acts accordingly and can't fathom that things could be different. so then you don't make things right, your suspicion is confirmed that you ARE the mistake, and later on, when you mess up again the cycle continues. we need to remember that emotions are things that happen TO us; your emotions don't define you, precisely because they are the body's first line of defense against the threats it perceives. your emotions don't have anything to do with who you are. but our mind interacts with the world through our bodies, so it's the one responsible for interpreting our emotions to help us as much as it can. self-compassion is then a tool to better the way our mind makes sense of what happens to us. be glad with your body and thank it for sending you the signals necessary to protect you.
nono. the statement about how some "love" others but don't love themselves did NOT sit well with me. you canNOT love anyone if you canNOT love yourself. you will CONFUSE the need for that person to need you with "love." babies NEED their parents. babies do NOT love their parents. parents canNOT love their babies if they do NOT love themselves. they can have a NEED for the baby to NEED them ...
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
I love this. Thank you. I have struggled with self compassion all my life.
I also really love the format of your videos. There's no crazy and distracting graphics or music. I really enjoy just listening to you, and your voice is very soft and comforting.
This is so insughtful and well-produced (as always), and I think misses one key fact: many if us don't know how to be properly self-compassionate. This is from where much of the fear and many of the myths you address arise; the results we fear (laziness, selfishness, etc) often do arise when we first try practicing self compassion. It feels reductionist to simply say all of these notions about self-compassion are false when they can still arise from very real experiences trying our best to love ourselves, but not yet knowing how. The example of letting your child eat junk food is a good one: on my journey to self compassion, I'm still learning what the difference is between discipline that comes from love for my future self, and discipline that comes from shame, destructive xoping mechabisms, etc. It's incredibly difficult for me to know when letting myself eat cake, for example, is an act of self-love or an act of self-destruction. I think the fear that self-compassion will make us suddenly lazy is extremely true for those of us who operated entirely based on shame and fear; once we start undoing that as our motivator, it takes a long time for joy and self-love to step in as our new motivation. In the interim there is indeed a lot of laziness, self-preoccupation, lack of discipline and drive, etc.
The answer is balance
Oh my God I love that you debunked the myth 'you have to love yourself before you can love others.' Some of the most loving and compassionate people I have ever known were people who had suffered so much, who struggled to love themselves, but loved others with such deep and tender compassion.
I have also been that person.
Thank you for breaking apart the nuanced difference. Yes - the chief problem is that we abandon ourselves and our needs to love others, and the solution is better and more clear boundaries - this does not diminish the love we give to others nor our capacity to love others.
Or maybe it does?
Either way, thank you for this - I was beginning to believe that loving others from a broken place was wrong and it was making life so much more dreadful, dreary and depressing. Love is everything to me and to live without it has been so markedly dark and depressing.
This is such a lovely video, thank you.
Actually I've been struggling with a severe lack of self-compassion and this whole video was exceptionally illuminating for me. Thank you, I have a lot to think about.
Your videos are so insightful! They kind of make me feel all warmed up inside. Your tone, your voice. You are a gift to therapists! I so wish I could study with you...
There was so much here, Tori. I will be listening to this several more times to take it all in. Thank you!
I was just thinking of this topic this afternoon! I wished I had checked RUclips earlier to see it live! Self compassion is great it increases our self esteem and our presence and all the wonderful things you mentioned! Thank you for the great video!
Thank you so much. Such clarity around those who exercise lots of compassion towards others but not much towards themselves. Self compassion rules. More power to your elbow.
I have to say that even the sound of your voice feels like a warm hug.
Slow playback speed to .75cand it's amazing😊
That was great! It’s true. Who would I be if I didn’t hold myself back out of fear and negativity? It seems to me like the subconscious mind responds to our life, moment by moment, with an endless stream of inner personas who need our conscious acceptance in order to express through our emotions.
This was an informative and eye-opening look at the real toll that being so critical of ourselves take on our lives. For me, it somehow seemed to hurt less when the criticism came from myself, so it became a reflexive preemptive strike.
It would be very helpful to have some information/guidance about shifting this pattern and building our self-compassion "muscles".
Thank you so, so much🧡
My RUclips algorhythm just delivered up: Meditation: Awakening Self-Compassion with Tara Brach! Excellent resource for this.
I love this topic ! thank you !
i don't know how....nearly 40 and I'm still repeating very toxic and negative things to myself. 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I had a religious upbringing that programmed me for despair and negative thinking. i don't identify or agree with that way of thinking and yet it persists. ugh
I'm tired and jealous of others. and others get the sense I'm damaged. duh. it leads to more isolation. yep, I'm stuck in a hellscape of sorts
I was the same way for years then my therapist told me this:
"If your twin brother (who I lost years ago) was having difficulty with something and you heard somebody yelling at him "you loser, what's wrong with you!" how would you feel? Would you think he deserves that treatment, or compassion?" That really stuck with me. Just as we would never verbally blame a friend or family member who was struggling with something (we'd help them), we shouldn't be anything but compassionate with ourselves when we are having a hard time with life.
So picture somebody you love in a bad spot. Now picture yourself yelling at them negatively. How does it make you feel? Now apply this to yourself and your own thoughts.
I'm glad that Tori made this video because I've been slipping lately and this is a good refresher.
@@thunderpooch
Such a relaxing voice
thank you so much 💚
Great video!
I didn’t get much work done at my job last week and I was kicking myself the entire week about it, about resting (none of it was actually restful, I was just drill sergeant shaming myself), so I ended up working the entire weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. I barely slept today and went into the office and again couldn’t get much done, and I was falling into a shame spiral. Before this video I was tempted to continue down the route I’ve going & work tonight (which I’d been dreading), but now I’m wondering if I’ve been screaming at a kid to do better without stopping to see what’s up & how I can help. Thanks for this.
Yes, yes!! That's a great comparison, and so glad you are thinking about it! It's so simple, really, and yet we can go on and on without slowing down in this way...in this very basic, kind way that actually brings some resource, and possibility for a deeper shift. :)
May I quote these learnings by Kristin Neff from your video on my social media?
I find these as really important.
I still find it so difficult to visualise how to be compassionate to myself. Even after doing a lot of research and therapy.
I often get stuck on caring for my overwhelm or emotions in the moment and giving myself space and time to breathe, or investing in the long-term and doing some task or social event. Then if I admit to myself I have limited capacity, what do I still do and what do I let go? I find it so confusing and exhausting :/.
Hey, for me the first step to self compassion is to simply notice these different parts compassionately as they pop up and then bring your attention back to the body in the present…
for example you might notice a thought like ‘oh no I’m feeling so overwhelmed’ along with strong feelings of anxiety - so take a moment to mentally step back and compassionately notice those thoughts and feelings and then remember that this is simply a concerned part of you that is trying to help protect you from something that you probably fear deep down which you may not yet be aware of… and then gently bring your attention back to the present moment and to the reality that you are safe and ok even though you may feel uncomfortable… notice the feeling of breath in your body… and the physical sensations of your feelings in the body without believing the mental story of ‘how bad they feel’…
And then when you feel an impulse to start some long term project - just stop and recognise that too… you may decide to go ahead with it or not, but the first step is to notice the impulse with compassion as this is likely another part of you that’s just trying to help… check out Tori’s IFS videos for more info…
Good luck and keep going, you’ll get there! ❤
Excellent very well oresented.
What is the best way to learn self compassion?
Ty soo mach
thankyou
What to do if Some one tells me you that he loves you when you get comfortable with him he starts derespecting you. When distance yourself then he harms himself physically
revolutionary
shame robs you from the ability to own up to your mistakes and seek reconciliation: "you didn't make a mistake, you ARE the mistake. so give up because a mistake can't possibly make things right."
it's not entirely wrong to argue that people's actions define them as long as it leaves open that you can fix something you did: owning up to a mistake would be an action that also defines you positively.
but your body doesn't have that foresight when feeling emotions. shame feels permanent and unchangeable. in that moment, it becomes what you are. so your body acts accordingly and can't fathom that things could be different.
so then you don't make things right, your suspicion is confirmed that you ARE the mistake, and later on, when you mess up again the cycle continues.
we need to remember that emotions are things that happen TO us; your emotions don't define you, precisely because they are the body's first line of defense against the threats it perceives. your emotions don't have anything to do with who you are.
but our mind interacts with the world through our bodies, so it's the one responsible for interpreting our emotions to help us as much as it can. self-compassion is then a tool to better the way our mind makes sense of what happens to us.
be glad with your body and thank it for sending you the signals necessary to protect you.
❤ excellent
Drink! Please the mouth clicks!
nono. the statement about how some "love" others but don't love themselves did NOT sit well with me. you canNOT love anyone if you canNOT love yourself. you will CONFUSE the need for that person to need you with "love." babies NEED their parents. babies do NOT love their parents. parents canNOT love their babies if they do NOT love themselves. they can have a NEED for the baby to NEED them ...