Breaking Free from Survival Codependency: Reclaiming Your Self-Worth
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- Опубликовано: 7 фев 2025
- This video explores *survival codependency*, a reflexive tendency to prioritize others, often narcissists, at your own expense. This behavior is typically learned early in life, particularly in relationships with narcissistic parents, and becomes a lifelong pattern. It manifests in accommodating narcissists-parents, partners, or bosses-by adapting to their needs to avoid rejection and maintain harmony, often at the cost of personal well-being.
Key identifiers of survival codependency include:
Automatically putting yourself second.
Feeling discomfort when praised or acknowledged.
Minimizing your achievements reflexively.
Preferring unbalanced relationships where you overextend yourself.
Being drawn to relationships where you are objectified or undervalued.
A compulsion to ensure narcissists are cared for and validated.
Recognizing this pattern within yourself is the first step toward change. Therapy can help you uncover the roots of this behavior, build self-awareness, and develop self-worth. Recovery involves learning to value yourself, prioritizing your needs, and embracing the respect you deserve. While challenging, breaking free from survival codependency is achievable.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:
BPD Guided Journal: Journal: Your Space to Release Intense Emotions, Nurture Self-Compassion, and Take Charge of Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: shorturl.at/Ta5Dj
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2a...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
RUclips: / @drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Dr. Fox’s Blog: www.psychology...
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
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Narcissists tend to over help those in need and push their way in to become a savior.
The saving is more about them rather than the person who may need help. They appear humble and generous but with a hidden agenda.
Good insight on your part. Thanks for sharing.
Here I thought that when I change the attention to someone else, it's because I was taught to give credit where credit is due, but the realization is that it's automatic even when I deserve the credit because that's what my narcissistic mother engrained in me. I've long been uncomfortable getting any accolades even though secretly inside, it makes my heart smile, but I poo-poo the compliments because I'm not the one that deserves them.
You're not the only one, I'm the same. I'll deflect deserved praise away because i instantly feel i have not earned it, which is not true.
Brilliantly explained, I'm the same way... It's also like if I'm focused on taking care of others I'm not obsessing about my own life as much? Thanks for your comment xx
This is so clearly explained. I just fawn on whomever I'm with, it's just automatic. I hate it.
I’m glad it was helpful.
Feed my ego, feed my narcissism!
🤗 recognizing my fear of punishment gets in the way of healthy therapy sessions because i want to protect the ego of the others in my life ty
You’re welcome ☺️
This is why I had a hard time in my sessions and didn't make much progress, I had to quit. ARGHHH
Thank you so much this is exactly what I’ve been looking for. LOL my poor boss is self-sufficient introvert and sometimes I’m like “LET ME MAKE YOU HAPPY!!” And he’s like, “actually that’s overwhelming. Could you instead sort of leave me alone?” 😂 Thank you again for this information.
Thank you for this amazing video. It gave me a better understanding of narcissism and codependency. I hope to one day see the recovery of this behaviour
My Mother would do EVERYTHING in her power to make me angry and then when I SNAPPED she would either kick me OUT or call the Police! The police always took her SIDE! It was VICIOUS! It makes me sick thinking about it! It is VERY HARD to let go of!
My mother did the same thing ... sorry to hear you went through such a thing as well.
I felt this too the core, I basically wrote this with you sister. I hope you’re doing well 🫂🤍📈
Wow I have been on survival mode that your intuitive sense of subject just hit on point for me. I decided just today I refuse to be second anymore. That's it. Thank you for confirming my decision today your the best
You are so welcome
I realised I do this with my father. But my bpd has now made me go the complete opposite to the point where I purposefully never want to please him, infact I want him to be mad and angry at me so he isn't pleased. Then I am punished and as much as I hate that, there is comfort in familiarity.
Thank you so much for everything you do for our community. You are one of the truely compassionate people we need
I noticed today that i would take on my mom's struggle, which ive been probably doing for countless year, because her struggle has been the mightiest and most unique no one would ever understand. I digress, she will talk about a lamentable situation, and as a "good boy" i listen and take on her struggle because somewhere down the line i needed to - to assuage her fears, perhaps. And, in turn, I've taken on others problems and even their emotional states. Which has wreaked havok on my life as an adult. But, this year, I'm on a road to discovery and have finally pinpointed the beast that has rendered me helpless and taken the pilot seat of my autonomy. No more.
This goes hand in hand with your last video. My maladaptive behaviors are usually triggered by loneliness and this video pretty much explained why. Thank you.
No, consciously too.
We were taught in Sunday School, and in Prayer openings in our SCHOOL days, to put Others before ourselves.
Children we're to be "seen and not heard" in the home of my Air Force Officer father who believed in following the Chain of Command, even when the authority was OBVIOUSLY off base!
It was liberating when my Guru Maharaji allowed us to consider OURSELVES
Make ourselves happy as a priority.
Yes no no yes yes yes Yes .I thought it is my compassion I just can not helping those who hurt me. Never there when I need .. it is recognizing that everyone is accountable. We have already prove a point that when it's time to let go of some ppl places things walkway..Worked to freaking hard to keep mind sound my soul free and in peaceful ways..healthy ways I'm in survival mode. Exactly 💯
Super video. I was. But I am not anymore.
This beast turns Godzilla-sized if the survival codependent has ADHD or autism.
Explained so perfectly thank you!
Thank you so much for your videos 🇺🇦
You are so welcome!
brilliant insight, thank you for the introspection opportunity.
I don't do it to avoid punishment or to keep the person in my life, I would be just fine if they were out of it. It is to avoid guilt. I was groomed to think that being "good" was my best quality and I built my self esteem around it.
I see through this now. Now the problem is that the Narcisist is an old lady (mom) with no one in her life but me, and I guess it would be senior abuse to walk away at this point. I at once forgive her for not knowing how to love me, and feel resentful of all the time I wasted on someone who puts themselves first all the time. So now I do what I think is not being abusive (take her out twice a week, help with cleaning and groceries and a brief check in once a day). I get her despondence and guilt trips for not doing more and it tears me up inside, but I have to stick to what is reasonable. I have to ask my husband and friends if I am being resonable. My instinct is to do more, but I also know I would get resentful and it would come out and that would be even worse for her.
Yep, absolutely 💯......I do this all the time, I thought that was a behaviour to stop us being abandoned........🤔 . I have been used all my life and I always used to put everyone before me.( I am trying to change this now and it'sso hard).
Older children can be the narcissists as well.
Thank you!☮️💟
So true!!
I do this
I once considered getting a tattoo of a chameleon because I'm so used to adapting
Dr. Fox, is Narcissism “Genetic”, or is it taught in the home, handed down by family values, and culture? Thank you Sir!
It's a mixture of both, one could become self aware that the world doesn't revolve around them, but, they will still exhibit narcissistic traits or selfishness.
Narcissists desire to argue with other people with fabricated false predicament, in order to deflect your center of attention for their own benefit. And the following are the triggers of this horrid dissension:-
(1) He/she will inveigle any matter in question that arouses trepidation to someone else.
(2) He/she will drive you till you end up to a level of moral culpability.
(3) He/she will irritate much of your chagrin.
(4) He/she will manifest signs of much dubieity of your aptitude.
(5) He/she will impel you to play the second fiddle to any circumstance.....
I liked the video but now I have to write an essay about this video 😬
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
How would you invert this? Like parenting a malignant narcissist and surviving it?
I want to learn more about this. Is there another word for it? I tried to search "survival codependency," but I couldn't find anything. 😥
People pleasing.
Can this also happen if you have a parent who is dependent and avoidant, rather than narcissistic? Having to take care of the parent.
You may check the covert narcissism traits , it could be it
That was helpful but now how do we reverse, undo the unhealthy pattern ?
Start accepting "thank you" and compliments without feeling ashamed. Start saying "no" but don't feel ashamed and don't say it without humility. Do things for yourself but not at the expense of other people.
If you truly love someone you can do things for them without feeling obligated and without feeling like they owe you for it. If you do things for people and you Really don't want to do it, then don't, unless you're being payed for it. Otherwise you will end up being resentful, which will clue you in that you have gone too far and you should have said "no". If you suspect or get a whiff that you will be resentful if you are about to do something, especially if you are being begged or coerced, then immediately say a solid and strong "No, I don't want to". Don't explain yourself because you don't owe them an explanation, because you aren't their slave and they're not your boss.
@@agrotta1650 👍
🙏
Is it at all possible to have a romantic relationship where both parties are codependent? My ex and I recently separated because he thought he was putting himself second always, and I also feel that I always put myself second. How can this be?
People ALWAYS MUST give .ore than what we see as 50% "fair", or no relationship will ever work.
Have been there :) it seemed a lot to do with us Both assuming eachothers needs instead of communicating. Both working too hard in ways that werent matching up with our partners actual needs & wants.
Very good video, exactly what type of therapy would be beneficial?
Hey I see you posted this 2 yrs ago, did you end up finding something that worked??
I answered Yes to all of the statements unfortunately, I used to go to therapy but these aspects weren't addressed and since I lost my job and looking for another, I cannot afford paying for therapy rigth now which is in my country very expensive. What else kind I do individually at home to address this, learn about this more? Should I read something about it or...?
also it mainly happens with a partner, not really with friends or parents.
Is it possible for you to acquire the books written by Dr Fox? I have really enjoyed the workbooks while in between access to mental health professionals
Only a psychopath would survive narcissistic parents with absolutely no effect no depression, and never care about it true or false? Generally most often?
Hi doctor
please whats your professional advise for a medical student with BPD? i really need it
Can it be a symptom of being raised by an N parent that I look at the world (more like feel at the world) like love wouldn't exist?
How is survival codependency different from collectivism and "the narcissist" different from social hierarchical systems. What makes it pathological vs cultural. How would you recognize psychological pathology vs assimilation to individualism? Speaking for immigrant families adapting to an aggressive individualistic culture. If family that values sacrifice, honor and loyalty but would be perceived as codependency, enmeshment and weakness in American culture. At what point does it become pathology vs blending cultures and generational perspectives on survival.
Interesting issue. I think when pathology begins it is clear though.
@@frau_ic I stand corrected, maybe where it begins is clear, but the why might not be. It is because of lack of insight to cultural and generational differences not communicated or understood or is it actually codependency and narcissism. Why 💭 is the question I am asking and what insight is given to cultural and generational perspectives.
@@clouddancer46 most of them are man-made artefacts, artificial ideas Sprung from the many stories human like to tell.
Man you need a better michrophone, just unbareable, god bless for taking about this ❤
BDSM "relationships" in a nutshell.
Everyone plays the victim
I really enjoy your videos each create has their own distinct feel. Mmm good calm confidence
I have this urge to help them. It's like if they r ok then I wont get hurt tho they still hurt u fun