Take it from me. I broke no contact a couple times and honestly it’s worse than when it’s them who come back and discard you. The emptiness in their eyes when you’re the one reaching out is haunting. He was horrible and said some horrible things. I’m out
Some times they don't even tell you the relationship ended... 2 years of a loving relationship means nothing. They just ghost you! They don't mind losing you, especially if they are a beautiful and attractive women. Never expect them to come back!
Thank you, Ryan. Definitely needed to hear this today. I experienced a blindsided discard 4 months ago - after a year and a half together. Just days before we were scheduled to move in together, they sent a cold text message saying they didn't want to be in a relationship anymore - no reasons given - they just suddenly vanished into thin air,... completely destroying my soul. Your videos have been so informative in helping me navigate the hardest separation I've ever experienced in my life.
Same story for me, albeit a slightly different timeline. 4 months of love bombing, 1 month of pulling back. When I didn't get mad (and provide her a "reason" to leave Me) but rather showed up supportive & willing to work, she pulled the ice cold discard by text (and I suspect monkey branched immediately). Same trigger: talks of moving in 😐 Put that energy into yourself. I got back into lifting, 4 months out I feel much better & no longer in need of something that I never truly had from someone that I never truly knew (mirroring). Stay strong ✊
@@hgr.7857 Ah, man... that is brutal. I'm so sorry that happened to you, too. I appreciate your words of encouragement.. It's definitely a process... as you know well.
@@NathanPStark remember you only need ONE person for you. There are too many people on this earth to be stuck on one whose character doesn’t align with yours. Just because they are an avoidant they still can make the right choice in not discarding you or ghosting you. It’s the worst imo
After 2mo my DA reached out to see if I’d fill their emotional cup. If they’re not interested in giving me anything of value in return, they can continue to be on their own with who ever wants them.
This was a really good video. I left my Narc last week after I let him snap and shout at me for the last time. I'd had enough. I didn't tell him what I was doing, and just got my things and left whilst he was out at work. He has sent me nice messages but I know enough not to fall for them anymore when fir 5yrs on\off he's not always been so 'nice'. I've ignored his mesages which have been OK up until now, as I'm trying to keep away long enough to break the Trauma-Bond. I have a feeling that sooner or later his messages will become more temperamental to be polite and it's this recognition in his patterns that's helping keep No-Contact.
Never break no contact if you have been trashed by an avoidant. Move on as quickly as you can to someone who respects you as much as you respect them. Which isn't the DA who crushed you and you haven't heard from.
Thank you so much, Ryan! I really needed to hear this specific message today. I’ve been in no contact with my DA ex for 10 months, and I’ve managed pretty well…but sometimes the idea of ‘forever’ seems difficult to accept. Your daily encouragement has kept me in no contact and I’m determined to see it through as long as it takes until I don’t give a damn if I ever see my ex again.
Also, keep in mind that “Hey, just wondering how you’re doing” or “Hey I changed my Netflix password, let me know if you want the new one” are NOT attempts at repair or taking responsibility. They’re _breadcrumbs_ to see if you’re still on the hook. Either ignore them or say, “I’m good, thanks!” (and NOTHING more) unless and until they show a real effort to change.
Ryan, this is fantastic work! It's especially timely for me, as I've just reached a milestone - 60 days of no contact. Your insights are a great source of inspiration and motivation to keep moving forward.
I agree, theybdont care if they dont reach out truth is they don't mean enough to bother taking a 20 second txt. So the answer is easy, no contact means goodbye
As someone who didn't go no contact after an avoidant discard (in my defense I was a babe in the wild wild woods and didn't know what avoidance or no contact was)--go no contact and don't look back. Not keeping no contact won't give you the outcome you want, on the contrary it will most likely emotionally damage you further
Better the bitter truth than a sweet lie. Thank you, Ryan. And it does get better with time and perspective. If they didn't have your back they were sent into your life to make you stronger. There is no other good alternative than to become stronger. From a deep place of resilience. As for them, each and every person that makes it clear their behaviour is unacceptable is one more good lesson in their life, and a smaller and smaller world for them in terms of quality if not quantity, for many fools abound these days. Whether they learn or not is not up to you. It is up to them and God.
Without real help, they will continue on their perpetual cycle of shutting down and putting up walls. Wasted two years watching her get close and then gone. Always put the blame on me. I actually made it into a bit of a game predicting how it would play out. There was always a tell when she was getting ready to pull away. Last time (believe it or not she reached back out to connect four times) she’d worked hard to be better and bring the walls down. No time like the present to test that to see if it was true. Sure enough, a little scripted conflict and she did a 180 and headed for the hills…just like clockwork. Lesson here is when they’re that far down the DA rabbit hole, self help isn’t the answer. Only true therapeutic help will help them break out of the pattern. If they’re not willing to go down that path, you’re just wasting your time.
Dont do it. I reached out to let him know I put my senior dog,he loved that dog, to sleep. He looked at it Sunday it's wed nothing not even I'm sorry! Screw him
All you had to say is don’t contact them ever again. That’s it!!!! I wanted to talk to her sooooo bad. Then I would think what would I say??? I didn’t know what to say. That’s because there’s nothing to say.. telling them that you love them and wanna be with them and all that crap they already know that. They already know that and they’re not reaching out so why in the hell would you want to reach out to them if you write them a letter or call them on the phoneor text them or show up at their house or at their job you’re just gonna look like an idiot don’t do it. Good luck.
Why do people ask questions like this when there is a clear answer as to why there is NO CONTACT in the first place. The answer is, you don’t break it at all. Not ever. The goal isn’t for you to pine over someone and be all strategic about it. The goal is to move on. Meaning no feelings for that person anymore. You’ve healed and aren’t thinking of them anymore. That’s the goal of no contact. And then when you’ve accomplished that goal, the new goal is to never contact them again. Ever. Because why would you? That person ghosted or ignored/avoided you to death. Why would you ever go back to someone just to have to heal like that all over again? I feel like people ask these questions in some kind of desperation. You’ve got to get past that phase and get to the reflection phase quickly here. You’ll realize these kind of people aren’t for you. Avoidant people are just very damaged goods. Stop trying to make it work when it won’t? THEY have to want to make it work, if they don’t it’s not your fault. It’s not your problem.
They will do a favor to you not going back to you if you tell them that they are dismissive avoidants. Their shame is greater than their will to get you in repeated cycle of abuse again. They'll rather chose another victim instead.
My answer, the answer of a man who suffered a lot during 3 years of marriage with a dismissive avoidant woman, is "no contact forever". The best thing you do to an avoidant wife is to divorce her and give her a one-way ticket to Japan, so she stays there forever eating sushi, looking at Mount Fuji and dating japanese men(ruining the life of their poor japanese husbands).
Don't do it, the amount who work on themselves is in the thousandth per centile....they will do it again....don't consign yourself to the heartache and anxiety...
Its been about 2 months,my FA made the effort to reach out to me a week ago, Said she wanted to see me again but i left her on read cause i had no words,idk how to respond,i want her to get better but i feel if i respond now its just another breadcrumb
If they''re not in therapy and acknowledge they have an attachment issue, run. You cannot fix her. She has to want to change for herself, because the work that's to come: facing down attachment wounds, childhood negelct, betrayal etc. she can only walk through it herself, perferably with a trained professional.
@Amoki86 yeah she was going to therapy but attachment style I'm not sure she got that far into it,idk if she's even still going,the sad thing is even in therapy some might not change,I've opened up and shared some similar abuse with her and it seemed to help,but the subject got too dark & she turned back,I don't blame her honestly
What if the reach out is a letter pointing out her insecurities in the kindest way possible in hopes she changes? Not for us but for herself. Then I’ll know I tried everything I can absolutely do? What if it’s closure for myself?
I think her discarding you is closure. Avoidants don’t understand they are an “avoidant”. They have to look inward and self reflect to see this pattern. Don’t do it to yourself. She’ll change when she figures out there’s something going on with her. That’s her job.
God blessed me helping me find a secure attachment style woman. And I'm going to marry her. My dating with her has been great from the beginning. All I want is to live with her forever. And when I die, I want to go to Heaven, to live with Jesus, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Mary, the Profets and the 12 Apostles. There's nothing better to do.
We broke up with each other 2weeks ago he came within 1 week and ask me to get a second chance the moment i waited and text back he already again started talking very rudely to me and now i dont talk to him anymore. Thing is we are in college right now in the same class. And to see him caring nothing at all is painful. Very painful the things that you have planned and things it used to be important for him was no more there. And i am not thinking to contact him then obv i have tried it but it ended up enabling them and breaking my heart again by doing all those shits and disrespect all over again. When he came last week he asks me to not talk about past and then coming back to relationship but i didnt wanted to talk to him so i answered nothing. I was being worried and thinking to talk to.him again bcs i was very depended on him but your video came up and helped me realize i shouldn't. Thnk you
Just get busy with your life you won't even have time to think about them 😂 most of y'all are just lazy not heartbroken Stop watching these kinda videos go out and live your life. Get 2 jobs if you have to. These kinda videos never help you move on
It's just gone 17 months for me... my heart has been shattered into a million pieces by a man I thought was my soulmate. I first met him 42 years ago.... 💔
So sad that they live their lives and don’t think about us and we sit around suffering with a broken heart. No contact forever.
@@Maria-du4lk i fee it too. No contact forever is 100% the right call.
Take it from me. I broke no contact a couple times and honestly it’s worse than when it’s them who come back and discard you. The emptiness in their eyes when you’re the one reaching out is haunting. He was horrible and said some horrible things. I’m out
Unless he has anything significant to say and reaches out I won't initate speaking to him again.
"They threw you out, showed no empathy..." yup - terrible feelings overall.
Some times they don't even tell you the relationship ended... 2 years of a loving relationship means nothing. They just ghost you! They don't mind losing you, especially if they are a beautiful and attractive women. Never expect them to come back!
They won;t be "beautiful and attractive " forever...
Mine 18 years with kids, he jumped into rebound almost immediately after separated
@ I'm sorry for what you're going through! But I'm sure we will reach a point of balance where we find peace and freedom within ourselves!
They dont even tell you that you are un relationship.
I've solved the no contact problem, I'm going out with others that don't suffer from avoidant issues
Thank you, Ryan. Definitely needed to hear this today. I experienced a blindsided discard 4 months ago - after a year and a half together. Just days before we were scheduled to move in together, they sent a cold text message saying they didn't want to be in a relationship anymore - no reasons given - they just suddenly vanished into thin air,... completely destroying my soul. Your videos have been so informative in helping me navigate the hardest separation I've ever experienced in my life.
Same story for me, albeit a slightly different timeline. 4 months of love bombing, 1 month of pulling back. When I didn't get mad (and provide her a "reason" to leave Me) but rather showed up supportive & willing to work, she pulled the ice cold discard by text (and I suspect monkey branched immediately). Same trigger: talks of moving in 😐
Put that energy into yourself. I got back into lifting, 4 months out I feel much better & no longer in need of something that I never truly had from someone that I never truly knew (mirroring).
Stay strong ✊
@@hgr.7857can you elaborate on the mirroring?
@@hgr.7857 Ah, man... that is brutal. I'm so sorry that happened to you, too. I appreciate your words of encouragement.. It's definitely a process... as you know well.
@@NathanPStark remember you only need ONE person for you. There are too many people on this earth to be stuck on one whose character doesn’t align with yours. Just because they are an avoidant they still can make the right choice in not discarding you or ghosting you. It’s the worst imo
@@nikki8789 Thank you. You're so right about that.
After 2mo my DA reached out to see if I’d fill their emotional cup. If they’re not interested in giving me anything of value in return, they can continue to be on their own with who ever wants them.
This was a really good video. I left my Narc last week after I let him snap and shout at me for the last time. I'd had enough. I didn't tell him what I was doing, and just got my things and left whilst he was out at work. He has sent me nice messages but I know enough not to fall for them anymore when fir 5yrs on\off he's not always been so 'nice'. I've ignored his mesages which have been OK up until now, as I'm trying to keep away long enough to break the Trauma-Bond. I have a feeling that sooner or later his messages will become more temperamental to be polite and it's this recognition in his patterns that's helping keep No-Contact.
Never break no contact if you have been trashed by an avoidant. Move on as quickly as you can to someone who respects you as much as you respect them. Which isn't the DA who crushed you and you haven't heard from.
This is 100% true. If you are a new DA victim be strong and please follow this advice
It is a cycle. Never ends
Don’t ever break NC
Thank you so much, Ryan! I really needed to hear this specific message today. I’ve been in no contact with my DA ex for 10 months, and I’ve managed pretty well…but sometimes the idea of ‘forever’ seems difficult to accept. Your daily encouragement has kept me in no contact and I’m determined to see it through as long as it takes until I don’t give a damn if I ever see my ex again.
I’m on eight months now. She was blowing a fuse and I started No Contact first I Win!!!!
Also, keep in mind that “Hey, just wondering how you’re doing” or “Hey I changed my Netflix password, let me know if you want the new one” are NOT attempts at repair or taking responsibility. They’re _breadcrumbs_ to see if you’re still on the hook. Either ignore them or say, “I’m good, thanks!” (and NOTHING more) unless and until they show a real effort to change.
Exactly!!
@@nikki8789this comment is spot on, right? I will def remember this response
Exactly!
Great advice Ryan. Always best to move on during no contact.
Don't forget, it hurts even more the second time.
They move on, typically... it's over.
Ryan, this is fantastic work! It's especially timely for me, as I've just reached a milestone - 60 days of no contact. Your insights are a great source of inspiration and motivation to keep moving forward.
I agree, theybdont care if they dont reach out truth is they don't mean enough to bother taking a 20 second txt. So the answer is easy, no contact means goodbye
As someone who didn't go no contact after an avoidant discard (in my defense I was a babe in the wild wild woods and didn't know what avoidance or no contact was)--go no contact and don't look back. Not keeping no contact won't give you the outcome you want, on the contrary it will most likely emotionally damage you further
How long ? FOREVER
Stay in no contact forever
If they used you as a rebound, just forget about them.
I love the message of this video so much.
Better the bitter truth than a sweet lie. Thank you, Ryan. And it does get better with time and perspective. If they didn't have your back they were sent into your life to make you stronger. There is no other good alternative than to become stronger. From a deep place of resilience.
As for them, each and every person that makes it clear their behaviour is unacceptable is one more good lesson in their life, and a smaller and smaller world for them in terms of quality if not quantity, for many fools abound these days. Whether they learn or not is not up to you. It is up to them and God.
This was so insightful and perfect timing. Thank you!
No contact is forever. Why would you want someone back who is so disrespectful to you.
Without real help, they will continue on their perpetual cycle of shutting down and putting up walls. Wasted two years watching her get close and then gone. Always put the blame on me. I actually made it into a bit of a game predicting how it would play out. There was always a tell when she was getting ready to pull away. Last time (believe it or not she reached back out to connect four times) she’d worked hard to be better and bring the walls down. No time like the present to test that to see if it was true. Sure enough, a little scripted conflict and she did a 180 and headed for the hills…just like clockwork. Lesson here is when they’re that far down the DA rabbit hole, self help isn’t the answer. Only true therapeutic help will help them break out of the pattern. If they’re not willing to go down that path, you’re just wasting your time.
How long should you stay in no contact? Forever.
Dont do it. I reached out to let him know I put my senior dog,he loved that dog, to sleep. He looked at it Sunday it's wed nothing not even I'm sorry! Screw him
Yeah these people suck mine is dead to me I never want anything to do with her just a terrible experience 2yrs of hell sorry about your dog 😢
Sorry for the loss of your dog. I know that heartache all too well
Omg I told him my gpa died a month into NC and got ZERO RESPONSE. Diabolical.
Nearing 1 year of no contact and still no news from my avoidant ex. No news is good news!
4 great years together, ended by a phone call, 6 months gone by and I haven't heard a peep, I miss her so much
All you had to say is don’t contact them ever again. That’s it!!!! I wanted to talk to her sooooo bad. Then I would think what would I say??? I didn’t know what to say. That’s because there’s nothing to say.. telling them that you love them and wanna be with them and all that crap they already know that. They already know that and they’re not reaching out so why in the hell would you want to reach out to them if you write them a letter or call them on the phoneor text them or show up at their house or at their job you’re just gonna look like an idiot don’t do it. Good luck.
Why do people ask questions like this when there is a clear answer as to why there is NO CONTACT in the first place. The answer is, you don’t break it at all. Not ever. The goal isn’t for you to pine over someone and be all strategic about it. The goal is to move on. Meaning no feelings for that person anymore. You’ve healed and aren’t thinking of them anymore. That’s the goal of no contact. And then when you’ve accomplished that goal, the new goal is to never contact them again. Ever. Because why would you? That person ghosted or ignored/avoided you to death. Why would you ever go back to someone just to have to heal like that all over again?
I feel like people ask these questions in some kind of desperation. You’ve got to get past that phase and get to the reflection phase quickly here. You’ll realize these kind of people aren’t for you. Avoidant people are just very damaged goods. Stop trying to make it work when it won’t? THEY have to want to make it work, if they don’t it’s not your fault. It’s not your problem.
Thinking about staying no contact means to me that my ex still matter to me. But I want to reach indifference towards this person
Invaluable post. Thank you for the message.
They will do a favor to you not going back to you if you tell them that they are dismissive avoidants. Their shame is greater than their will to get you in repeated cycle of abuse again. They'll rather chose another victim instead.
My answer, the answer of a man who suffered a lot during 3 years of marriage with a dismissive avoidant woman, is "no contact forever". The best thing you do to an avoidant wife is to divorce her and give her a one-way ticket to Japan, so she stays there forever eating sushi, looking at Mount Fuji and dating japanese men(ruining the life of their poor japanese husbands).
Don't do it, the amount who work on themselves is in the thousandth per centile....they will do it again....don't consign yourself to the heartache and anxiety...
Heartwarming most valuable n moral advice
Its been about 2 months,my FA made the effort to reach out to me a week ago, Said she wanted to see me again but i left her on read cause i had no words,idk how to respond,i want her to get better but i feel if i respond now its just another breadcrumb
If they''re not in therapy and acknowledge they have an attachment issue, run.
You cannot fix her. She has to want to change for herself, because the work that's to come: facing down attachment wounds, childhood negelct, betrayal etc. she can only walk through it herself, perferably with a trained professional.
@Amoki86 yeah she was going to therapy but attachment style I'm not sure she got that far into it,idk if she's even still going,the sad thing is even in therapy some might not change,I've opened up and shared some similar abuse with her and it seemed to help,but the subject got too dark & she turned back,I don't blame her honestly
@@Amoki86 even if they acknowledge they will 99% repeat same pattern
Leave them for your peace of mind date others don’t waiste your time
forever.
Forever. They broke it, it's their job to fix it. Go date someone else in the meantime
What if the reach out is a letter pointing out her insecurities in the kindest way possible in hopes she changes? Not for us but for herself. Then I’ll know I tried everything I can absolutely do? What if it’s closure for myself?
I think her discarding you is closure. Avoidants don’t understand they are an “avoidant”. They have to look inward and self reflect to see this pattern. Don’t do it to yourself. She’ll change when she figures out there’s something going on with her. That’s her job.
@ you’re right and I know it. It breaks my heart knowing she’s going to have this shallow, lonely love life for who knows how long. 💔
Forever. And ever.
How long should you stay in no contact?
- Yes. Definitely yes.
God blessed me helping me find a secure attachment style woman. And I'm going to marry her. My dating with her has been great from the beginning. All I want is to live with her forever. And when I die, I want to go to Heaven, to live with Jesus, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Mary, the Profets and the 12 Apostles. There's nothing better to do.
How do you handle no contact when you will be attending a function where you know they will be there?
You don't talk you just ignore and treat them like a normal person
Even he is in my class I almost have to see him everyday.
We broke up with each other 2weeks ago he came within 1 week and ask me to get a second chance the moment i waited and text back he already again started talking very rudely to me and now i dont talk to him anymore.
Thing is we are in college right now in the same class. And to see him caring nothing at all is painful. Very painful the things that you have planned and things it used to be important for him was no more there.
And i am not thinking to contact him then obv i have tried it but it ended up enabling them and breaking my heart again by doing all those shits and disrespect all over again.
When he came last week he asks me to not talk about past and then coming back to relationship but i didnt wanted to talk to him so i answered nothing.
I was being worried and thinking to talk to.him again bcs i was very depended on him but your video came up and helped me realize i shouldn't.
Thnk you
and remember not to mistake avoidant with narcissist
Just get busy with your life you won't even have time to think about them 😂 most of y'all are just lazy not heartbroken
Stop watching these kinda videos go out and live your life. Get 2 jobs if you have to. These kinda videos never help you move on
f o r e v e r
😢
Over 6 months no contact...
6m not bad , for me 9 months radio silent
Going on 10 months smh
It's just gone 17 months for me... my heart has been shattered into a million pieces by a man I thought was my soulmate. I first met him 42 years ago.... 💔
@@evafancsali8379you’ll meet someone who loves you. Let go of this man in order to make space for someone who is worth your time.
Stay positive and trust that it is all working out for the best.
Nothing worked out😮 losers