All the big money sponsors should pay heed: Viewers always watch Simon's ad-reads because they're often entertaining. And being entertained results in being receptive to mutually beneficial information. I never skip ahead through ads on Simon's channels because I'd be missing out on quality content. Also Squarespace is awesome, which helps too.
@@BarbaricAvatar It's why I always watch the Adstronaught at the end of the sketch! Oh wait, different channel, but the concept is the same because entertaining ads are tight!
For anyone wondering, under Simon’s Law, Darren would get 17,179,869,284 years in prison for his 36th offense. That’s approximately 4x the current age of the Earth. Of course, he would have already been in prison for the same length of time for the previous 35 offenses. More likely, Darren would have died in prison after the 8th offense, when, at the age of around 80 he would go to prison for 64 years.
One of my favourite dumb criminal stories was one where a man tried to break into a warehouse through the roof and lower himself down on a rope. Trying to avoid rope burn, he coated the rope with Vaseline. Needless to say, he went down the rope much faster than intended. He was found laying on the floor moaning in pain when employees arrived in the morning
My favorite one was where these guys went to rob a muffler shop but were told the manager was the only one who could open the safe and he/she wasn't in yet....so they left the employee their REAL phone number to call when they got in.....the employee called the cops then called the criminals back to come get arrested
@@Ebonydoe I also like one where a guy had handcuffed himself and realized he had lost the key so he called the police. The dispatcher ran a routine chech and realized there were warrants out on the guy. So she dispatched officers to arrest him. Before they got there he called to say he had found the key and they didn't need to come. The officer didn't want the opportunity to pass so he had the dispatcher call him back and say he was dropping off a spare key so it wouldn't happen in the future. When he got there he told the guy he wanted to test the key so he had him put his hands behind his back while the officer handcuffed him. The arrest was easy after that!
When Simon said he would do crimes and the screen for The Casual Criminalist came up I instantly thought of Kevin or Danny doing, The Casual Criminalist, the Life and Crimes of Simon Whistler
I don't know if this one was in Mexico or not, but in one (or more) Mexican gangs, it's tradition to get your first kill or a memorable kill tattooed on you. It's just a thing cause they don't run into police or often or if they do, it's just not an issue
2:15 - Chapter 1 - Armed robbery & chill 4:40 - Mid roll ads 7:20 - Back to the video 8:55 - Chapter 2 - The eye of the beholder 14:15 - Chapter 3 - Consider your surroundings 17:20 - Chapter 4 - Performance anxiety 19:10 - Chapter 5 - Honorable mention , kill him with kindness 21:00 - Chapter 6 - Just hanging around
I'm SO glad the first guy didn't press to get into her house and was ok with just being added on Facebook. Not saying it could end in a SA, just saying the LAST place I'd want to be is trapped in a place with a potentially violent criminal who thinks I'm attractive.
when I was a kid I saw an episode of "Rescue: 911" about a burglar who'd tried to break into a house through a chimney. He got stuck upside down right at the end of the chimney and the homeowners came home and found him dangling over the fireplace, alive and well! The homeowners called 911, the emergency crew arrived, and fire fighters broke the burglar out while the police waited to arrest him.😅
When my grandmother was a teenager, her and some of her friends were smoking somewhere they shouldn't have been. When the cops rolled up because a bunch of teens were trespassing, they all ran. She had to hop a chain link fence and even though she didn't get caught, she DID rip the tulle of her Poodle Skirt. It's one of my favorite stories she ever told me
It does not help that so many places in the US are actually said exactly how they are spelled, or not even close to how they are spelled. That, and you are also massively overestimating how many people actually care about Des Moines, outside of Des Moines.
Is it a myth or true. That around 70-80% of Americans don't own a passport and if they do it has never been used for external flights to another country? I'm genuinely interested in hearing from actual Americans and not just antiyankie propaganda news sites
So I’m guessing that we will be adding a footnote to the “Don’t Write Down Your Crimes” directive: DON’T TATTOO YOUR CRIMES!!!I mean, at least when you write your crimes on paper, you have the very small chance that you could burn the paper or dispose of it in some way so that it can never be traced back to you, but, barring a serious burn requiring skin grafts on a massive scale…you can’t burn away tattoos. I love when there’s a crossover between Casual Criminalist and Brain Blaze…this is why I love to hang out in the Whistleverse as much as I do. 13:15
When this topic comes up, i always recall a story I read. It may have been in Ann Landers’ column. And this may be the canonical dumb criminal story that everyone already knows. A man robs a bank. He writes a stickup-note on a piece of paper. He must have grabbed the nearest scrap of paper that he had on hand: the back of an envelope. What’s on the front of the envelope? His name and address.
There was one I saw on a dumb criminal compendium where the culprit wore a mask, and his work shirt with his name and place of employment clearly visible.
The whole " Crime doesn't pay." thing is likely because a vast amount of crimes that are committed for less than the total cost of the court costs in defending oneself from going to prison. That's assuming that you're caught and the law lets you keep the money.
Time to play Casual Criminalist bingo! Let's see how many rules in the book these guys have broken! Something tells me we'll need to add a few more to the list: 1. Don't add your victims to your social media friend's list. ($hit, that's a new one...) 2. Don't Tattoo your crimes on your body. (Don't write down your crimes, that is LITERALLY rule number 1!) 3. Don't do crime right in front of police. 4. Always hold onto your weapon when doing a robbery. (Not on the list, but it should have been because this isn't the first time it's happened) 5. Leave the scene of the crime, don't stay, just go! 6. Don't wear baggy pants when doing crime. (Not on the list as well but should be added)
Simon. Three strikes laws don't mean a life sentence for three minor offenses. They ensure criminals will see at least some prison time if the commit a crime over and over for which you can often plea down to a non prison charge. The only time you can get a life sentence from these laws is for violent felonies, or a few other serious offenses.
@@ThatWriterKevin Thank you for the response! My critique was not of your writing. You are correct, as robbery involves breaking and entering, and/or threatening someone it often is a serious violent felony, which carries a mandatory life sentence. Simon, in multiple videos, has suggested that minor crimes can be subject to three strikes laws with life sentences. While more than half the states do have three strikes laws regarding misdemeanor crime, none of these come with life imprisonment. It seems as if Simon is conflating the federal laws regarding serious crimes with state laws of similar structure regarding less serious offenses. Not surprising, I was just trying to add a bit of clarity.
@@mason7067 I wonder if California changed theirs, because a guy who had two felonies got caught stealing 2 packs of cigarettes (nonviolently) and got his 3rd strike that way. For shoplifting. At the time, it was 25 to life for 3 strikes. Dunno how it shakes out these days ... that was in the early 90s, I want to say ... ?
I get aggravated when people try to downplay driving without a license. I have worked on roads in the states for over a quarter century and I have noticed that a high number of fatalities are associated with individuals who have had their license revoked. Some will say that it is fines but if you get pulled over that often accept that you most likely suck at driving. Stay out from behind the wheel and try not to kill innocent people. I recall a case of a woman driving suspended blowing a stop sign and hitting a semi, the semi driver was in his early 20s pinned in the cab and burned to death conscious. The woman died too but wasn’t wearing a belt and probably died on immediately. I will concede that on occasion people get caught in the system but more often they should not operate a motor vehicle.
I think Simon's point was more that the penalty for driving without a license is.....not being allowed to drive for some period of time. It's a bit non-sensical, the person is already willing to drive when they aren't supposed to, so a further ban isn't really a punishment.
@@xger21 the point is that more often than not no real consequences are realized until some innocent person is maimed or killed. Yes you could charge someone with manslaughter or better yet second degree murder AFTER the perpetrator destroys a family. To my mind it would be better to give them a few weeks or months in the clink, on work release if they are gainfully employed. (In the states people can be released to work their jobs, generally picked up by a supervisor or colleague and then deposited back in the jail after their shift.). Some decades ago when working construction I occasionally picked up such individuals at the county jail. A number of these individuals (generally convicted of drunken assault) were regarded as better employees while on work release, didn’t show up for work hungover or partially drunk. And as an extra social bonus were not blowing their checks in bars and going home and taking their frustrations out on family.
I land on the other side of the road (pun intended) in the sense that I made the decision *independently* to stop driving back in 2018, when I started experiencing medical issues that made me a risk to myself and other drivers. Didn't have a diagnosis that would warrant doctors putting a medical restriction on my license, but I knew it was the right call for everyone's safety. Don't have a suspended license (mine is current for travel purposes) and I really hate people when people drive suspended. I've only driven once since I made that decision, in an emergency situation in 2019. It has made my life infinitely more difficult, but it has been the the safest call.
Simon uses kid slang all the time on episodes. I can always tell when he just learned a new term online, cuz it starts popping into every episode for a while. 😂
If they doubled it every time that guy would be in prison for 17,179,869,184 years… just for the 36th burglary But really he’d only do it probably 7-8 times since 7 times would be 63 years in total, and since he’d only be in his 80’s he’d be able to do it one more time for 127 years total
Exponential growth doesn't play around. I'm guessing the guy got caught each time after multiple burglaries though, so if he robbed, say, 10 houses before getting caught, does he get sentenced to 1,023.5 years? Or is it six months for each house the first time he gets caught (possibly served concurrently)? And then the second time he's busted, is it a year per house or do you jump straight to 1024 years per house?
Early in my career I responded to a commercial alarm at a title loan company. After walking around briefly looking through the windows of the business that closed 7 hours earlier I noticed a ceiling tile hanging. It was at that moment a man fell out of the ceiling about 10 feet and hit the floor. He then scurried into a rear hallway and locked himself in the bathroom. A Belgian Malinois K9 unit went in and the man decided he'd rather get bit before surrendering. Hours earlier he shimmied up a downspout onto the roof of the business, opened up a roof vent, climbed down inside then found himself trapped above the drop ceiling of the storefront. The alarm he triggered was after the first time he fell through the ceiling but was able to crawl back up to hide just to fall again. He was also shoeless and heavily intoxicated. Apparently his intention was to break into a vault full of cash with his bare hands. 10 years later and it's still a favorite story of mine to tell.
Simon unsure how the criminal could fall asleep tells me that he's never eaten 5 pounds of bacon and pancakes in one sitting. Also sad that no one seems to have caught my D&D joke.
Charisma check😂😂 Kind of funny then the next segment was "Eye of the 'Beholder'" too. Heya Kevin, what about an episode about disastrous misunderstandings of the law?
My favorite dumbest criminal story, and I am going to show my age here, came from watching a show in the late 80's early 90's called the "World's Dumbest Criminals" and was when an idiot broke into a Foot Locker and stole some shoes. Now, this was during the time when light up hightops were brand new and everyone wanted them. What really made it funny was that the criminal did not just break into a free-standing Foot Locker but one inside a mall, so silent alarms already alerted police and by the time he was leaving the Foot Locker the police were already there, and this was because not only did the criminal have to find the right size for him, he had to lace them up with the, also fashionable at time, Fat Shoe Laces that were done in the most intricate ways with three different color laces, and then put them on, mind you, all while he was still in the store. Now, this is a mall with hardly any lighting in the mall, and all the police had to do was track the flashing lights on his shoes to catch him.
I read the fbi's report on crimes statistics in the United states which breaks down solve rates into more specific categories, things like "knew the victim" or "first offense" and talks about the different arrest and condition rates for each. And man oh man, they were surprising not in line with what is portrayed in the media and it really made me wonder if the expression "crime doesn't pay" is more an aspiration than a fact.
The one in "Performance anxiety" had a cousin in Canada, apparently. I was working a graveyard shift at a 7-11 with a buddy of mine. I was in the back stocking the fridge when some guy came in, grabbed a whole bunch of random crap (candy bars, a container of drain opener, a tin of soup, etc.) put it down on the counter for my buddy to ring up. The total came to something in the range of $25. The guy pulls out a (pretty nice!) knife and sets it down on the counter next to the bagged goods. Him: "I'm not paying for this." My buddy picked up the knife and tossed it into the big garbage bin right next to him behind the counter. Buddy: "Yes you are." The guy runs off, swearing a blue streak. We called the cops. Guy was arrested within 30 minutes based on our description, though, so he was the dumber cousin?
17:00 In case Simon is wondering how long the burglar would be in prison for, assuming a starting point of 6 months (which is the minimum for burglary in the UK), 36 offenses would mean he would be sent to prison for 17179869184 years for the 36th offense. So, never mind millions of years. We're talking *_17 BILLION years_* 😂😂
@@draidiansfather3382 You need to deduct by 1 since you don't double the first offense (i.e. the formula is _prison time = 0.5*(2^(n-1))_ with _n_ being the number of offenses. I messed it up the first calculation too. 😅😅
of course he'd never make it to 36 offences as he wouldn't live that long and he would not be able to commit more offences be cause he would be in prison.
I learned the "don't hop a fence in baggy pants" lesson the hard way. My cuffs both got caught and my head went pretty much from 12 ft up to the ground. My friend has the unfortunate memory of watching it from 10 ft away unable to help in any way. Fortunately we were close enough to our destination that I was able to get there off an adrenaline surge from the shock. We weren't committing any crimes, btw, it was in the middle of the day and we were taking a shortcut through a college dorm complex.
Aaaaaannnnnnd now I really want at least a Sopranos episode literally just in an office, multiple guys coming in to get a good telling off for their job conduct 😄
It always amuses me when Simon says something about a way a place is pronounced when you look at the river Thames and realize it doesn't rhyme with James...
❤ LOVE Learning Stuff with Fact Boy!! He went to a school with a fence of spikes at stabbing height! That's gotta make you smart! Exponentially Smart! Thanks Kevin and The Host!!
I lived nearly my whole life in Tucson (ty for pronunciation) but I never heard of that Mars school. Maybe it didn't last long. Also this video cracked me up. The Happy Gilmore reference was perfect xD I love these and the editing!
As for the gang member's tattoos, I'm no expert on street culture but I think one of the main reasons to be in a gang is power and intimidation. When they walk down the street or into a bar they want everyone to instantly know they're in that gang and to be too scared to mess with them, and the tattoos send that message. That's probably a lot more important to them in their daily lives than any common sense thinking about the tattoos helping to identify them...
I know a guy that actually did rob a bank. Pulled up on an ATV, came out with like $30K and took off into the woods. Got caught because someone stopped to make sure the person in the truck with the enclosed trailer stopped on the side of the road was OK.
I know an elderly couple who came home from shopping and discovered their home had been burglarized. They called the police and the police did all the fingerprinting and so on. That night they were lying in bed, too nervous to sleep, and they heard a sound downstairs so they called the police, who came and arrested the guy who had burglarized the place earlier that day, and had come back to get some stuff he couldn't manage the first time. They were to his address and there was the television and all the other stuff, along with stuff belonging to other people who had had break-ins. A lot of criminals are really, really dumb.
My 1st run in with the police was when i showed up to a park that my brother and I graffitied to take pics of our tags and the cops were already there and noticed we had spary paint splattered on our hands and clothes that matched the graffiti they were investigating. Major smooth brain move on my part but hey i was 14
When you say in the video, "It's ten past two," and it was ten past two on my phone while thinking about getting lunch ... you and me, on the same page.
To *not* defend Damien, I've been made to take down someone's number and then call them, all while the guy played with his open pocketknife right next to me. That part of things isn't new, and had he just flashed a gun and asked for a friend request, not aure how many women would bother with cops when they can just block the guy. But he committed a crime first, so it was very stupid.
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If Simon is creatively bankrupt, he should spend more time on his own Subreddit; LOADS of ideas there!!!
So Geocities is gone and has been for a long time but my phone still autocorrected to it halfway through the word when I looked it up lol.
It's just like swag facts boi
All the big money sponsors should pay heed: Viewers always watch Simon's ad-reads because they're often entertaining. And being entertained results in being receptive to mutually beneficial information. I never skip ahead through ads on Simon's channels because I'd be missing out on quality content.
Also Squarespace is awesome, which helps too.
@@BarbaricAvatar It's why I always watch the Adstronaught at the end of the sketch! Oh wait, different channel, but the concept is the same because entertaining ads are tight!
For anyone wondering, under Simon’s Law, Darren would get 17,179,869,284 years in prison for his 36th offense. That’s approximately 4x the current age of the Earth. Of course, he would have already been in prison for the same length of time for the previous 35 offenses. More likely, Darren would have died in prison after the 8th offense, when, at the age of around 80 he would go to prison for 64 years.
Thank you so much. God bless you
He probably got out on good behavior for numbers 1-35
technically he would only have been in prison for 17,179,869,283.5 years up to that point ;) Sorry, but I had to.
Thank you. I was going to go do the math, but then thought there has to be another autistic person in the comment section. Lol.
@@wfb.subtraktor311 theoretically, assuming he got no time off for "good behavior" I.E. the prison just didnt want to house him anymore.
We need a whole video on Ruth Bradshaw. She was a former bootlegger and pastor then got a thief arrested at 93 by making him breakfast. What a legend.
But which career gave her the skill of avoiding danger and which gave her the ability to manipulate people? 🤣
that’s a Netflix series waiting for happen. Every episode is a flashback story of something badass she did in the past
Bootlegging gave her the courage, being a pastor gave her the ability to manipulate, she probably picked his pockets before calling the police.
😂 She’s an absolute genius!
@@onemorechris And she is telling the stories to the burlar over that long and filling breakfast.
"Don't get tattoos, criminals" is Rule 1a. "Rule 1: Don't write down your crimes" 1a: "Especially not permanently into your skin."
So we have two 1a's?😂
That is not the complete rule, the totality is "Especially not in permanent ink on your skin, you fucking idiot, seriously why would you do that?"
Rule 1a+: don't make a rap song entailing your crimes
@@ave.original9345lyrics aren't confessions
@@jackryan4313Rap snitches, tellin all they business, sit in the court and be their own star witness
Sometimes you put the banana peel on counter and your keys in the trash. Sometimes you hand your weapon to the bank teller.
One of my favourite dumb criminal stories was one where a man tried to break into a warehouse through the roof and lower himself down on a rope. Trying to avoid rope burn, he coated the rope with Vaseline. Needless to say, he went down the rope much faster than intended. He was found laying on the floor moaning in pain when employees arrived in the morning
My favorite one was where these guys went to rob a muffler shop but were told the manager was the only one who could open the safe and he/she wasn't in yet....so they left the employee their REAL phone number to call when they got in.....the employee called the cops then called the criminals back to come get arrested
@@Ebonydoe I also like one where a guy had handcuffed himself and realized he had lost the key so he called the police. The dispatcher ran a routine chech and realized there were warrants out on the guy. So she dispatched officers to arrest him. Before they got there he called to say he had found the key and they didn't need to come. The officer didn't want the opportunity to pass so he had the dispatcher call him back and say he was dropping off a spare key so it wouldn't happen in the future. When he got there he told the guy he wanted to test the key so he had him put his hands behind his back while the officer handcuffed him. The arrest was easy after that!
“There’s more than one of us.”
-proof that Simon’s clones have revolted and the OG Simon is now locked in the basement with Danny and the rest.
😂😂 there are so many down there now!! I'm also pretty sure they killed ETA, I haven't seen him/her/it for a worryingly long time!
When Simon said he would do crimes and the screen for The Casual Criminalist came up I instantly thought of Kevin or Danny doing, The Casual Criminalist, the Life and Crimes of Simon Whistler
"There's more than one of us'.
Cloning of Simon confirmed.
Tattooing your crime on your chest brings "don't write down your crimes" to a whole new level
I don't know if this one was in Mexico or not, but in one (or more) Mexican gangs, it's tradition to get your first kill or a memorable kill tattooed on you. It's just a thing cause they don't run into police or often or if they do, it's just not an issue
@@maxbracegirdle9990 in Mexico they just bribe the police
@@maxbracegirdle9990maybe it's not as detailed as in this case?
It's a Darwin award.
2:15 - Chapter 1 - Armed robbery & chill
4:40 - Mid roll ads
7:20 - Back to the video
8:55 - Chapter 2 - The eye of the beholder
14:15 - Chapter 3 - Consider your surroundings
17:20 - Chapter 4 - Performance anxiety
19:10 - Chapter 5 - Honorable mention , kill him with kindness
21:00 - Chapter 6 - Just hanging around
I miss when people used to post these. Thank you!
8:04 Simon getting rizzed by Kevin
10:59 SWASHTIKA
11:05 SWASHTIKA X2
3:00 - Simon confirmed the Whistler Clone Conspiracy:
"There is more than one of us."-
Take a look at iSponsorBlock.
I always knew Simon cloned himself. I mean, how else could a single person handle that many channels?
Clearly with some of that Rizz (more specifically the sorcery definition as we all know Simon is a diehard believer in sorcery)
He’s only bald because every strand of hair was used in the process of the Simon army
Simon confirmed the Whistler Clone Conspiracy:
"There is more than one of us."- 3:00
Could this be like Fight Club? When he thinks he’s asleep his alter ego is out doing shit???
@@MinMaxxxHe does sometimes say that he works "alone". Meaning there would be no one else there to stop him or wake him up.....
I'm SO glad the first guy didn't press to get into her house and was ok with just being added on Facebook. Not saying it could end in a SA, just saying the LAST place I'd want to be is trapped in a place with a potentially violent criminal who thinks I'm attractive.
Well, I have good news for you on that front...
;)
Simon confirmed the Whistler Clone Conspiracy:
"There is more than one of us."- 3:00
This needs to be the top comment
when I was a kid I saw an episode of "Rescue: 911" about a burglar who'd tried to break into a house through a chimney. He got stuck upside down right at the end of the chimney and the homeowners came home and found him dangling over the fireplace, alive and well! The homeowners called 911, the emergency crew arrived, and fire fighters broke the burglar out while the police waited to arrest him.😅
Holy smokes dude! I almost forgot about Rescue: 911.
I thought you were going to say they cooked him accidentally by lighting a fire. Also: holy smokes dude, I almost forgot about Rescue: 911!
And then some poor sap got left with the bill to repair the fireplace cause I can assure the criminal didn't.
"Because... Creatively Bankrupt" 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Already cracking me up in the first minute, Whistle Boy, thank you! 🙏🏻😜🌻
When my grandmother was a teenager, her and some of her friends were smoking somewhere they shouldn't have been. When the cops rolled up because a bunch of teens were trespassing, they all ran. She had to hop a chain link fence and even though she didn't get caught, she DID rip the tulle of her Poodle Skirt. It's one of my favorite stories she ever told me
A British man who lives in Czech Republic can pronounce Des Moines but people from neighboring US states can't.
Well, he's European, and they learn neighboring countries' languages around those parts. Des Moines being French in origin, it only makes sense.
It does not help that so many places in the US are actually said exactly how they are spelled, or not even close to how they are spelled. That, and you are also massively overestimating how many people actually care about Des Moines, outside of Des Moines.
As a Washingtonian, can confirm it is pronounced "Duh-Monies"
😂
Is it a myth or true.
That around 70-80% of Americans don't own a passport and if they do it has never been used for external flights to another country?
I'm genuinely interested in hearing from actual Americans and not just antiyankie propaganda news sites
You realize Nebraskans are pronouncing it wrong on purpose.... don't you?😊
You heard it, he admitted it! There's more than one Simon, I bloody knew it.
i love the charicter swing, from serious simon, to flamboyant factboi
I feel GREAT every time I watch or hear about dumbest criminals.
This was terrific, everything about this was hysterical. Simon and Kevin were wonderful and Samuel was fantastic with his editing.
The editing of these videos is absolute gold
I'm a dumb criminal but seeing these guys makes me feel smarter.
Don't write down your alleged crimes 😂
Have you ever noticed how dumb people think they're smart?
Yes, I realise your comment was meant as a joke.
Smarter
You need his notebook of the rules of crime
What crimes have you done?
How can you not love Simon's rants and love the editing!!!
3:09 Praise be, for He of the Memes had mercy on our ears whilst still delivering memes of the greatest quality.
So I’m guessing that we will be adding a footnote to the “Don’t Write Down Your Crimes” directive: DON’T TATTOO YOUR CRIMES!!!I mean, at least when you write your crimes on paper, you have the very small chance that you could burn the paper or dispose of it in some way so that it can never be traced back to you, but, barring a serious burn requiring skin grafts on a massive scale…you can’t burn away tattoos.
I love when there’s a crossover between Casual Criminalist and Brain Blaze…this is why I love to hang out in the Whistleverse as much as I do. 13:15
I've yet to go to jail since watching Casual Criminalist. Thanks Simon.
This is one of the only channels I watch the ads on because Simons comments
Feels more like part of the show than an ad!
When this topic comes up, i always recall a story I read. It may have been in Ann Landers’ column. And this may be the canonical dumb criminal story that everyone already knows.
A man robs a bank. He writes a stickup-note on a piece of paper. He must have grabbed the nearest scrap of paper that he had on hand: the back of an envelope.
What’s on the front of the envelope? His name and address.
There was one I saw on a dumb criminal compendium where the culprit wore a mask, and his work shirt with his name and place of employment clearly visible.
The whole " Crime doesn't pay." thing is likely because a vast amount of crimes that are committed for less than the total cost of the court costs in defending oneself from going to prison. That's assuming that you're caught and the law lets you keep the money.
This was so damn good. I hope Simon enjoyed his lunch, he earned it.
Time to play Casual Criminalist bingo! Let's see how many rules in the book these guys have broken!
Something tells me we'll need to add a few more to the list:
1. Don't add your victims to your social media friend's list. ($hit, that's a new one...)
2. Don't Tattoo your crimes on your body. (Don't write down your crimes, that is LITERALLY rule number 1!)
3. Don't do crime right in front of police.
4. Always hold onto your weapon when doing a robbery. (Not on the list, but it should have been because this isn't the first time it's happened)
5. Leave the scene of the crime, don't stay, just go!
6. Don't wear baggy pants when doing crime. (Not on the list as well but should be added)
Don't return to the scene of your crime's
Dont take a nap mid-way through your crime
@@Ebonydoe 'Leave the scene of the crime, don't stay, just go!' (Yup! That one's in the book! You'd think that one would be obvious...)
Haha just knowing Simon probably went home to his wife and tried to slip rizz in there makes this whole video worth it
Simon. Three strikes laws don't mean a life sentence for three minor offenses. They ensure criminals will see at least some prison time if the commit a crime over and over for which you can often plea down to a non prison charge.
The only time you can get a life sentence from these laws is for violent felonies, or a few other serious offenses.
I checked when writing this and those burglaries indeed would have counted for the three strikes offense
@@ThatWriterKevin Thank you for the response! My critique was not of your writing.
You are correct, as robbery involves breaking and entering, and/or threatening someone it often is a serious violent felony, which carries a mandatory life sentence.
Simon, in multiple videos, has suggested that minor crimes can be subject to three strikes laws with life sentences. While more than half the states do have three strikes laws regarding misdemeanor crime, none of these come with life imprisonment.
It seems as if Simon is conflating the federal laws regarding serious crimes with state laws of similar structure regarding less serious offenses. Not surprising, I was just trying to add a bit of clarity.
@@mason7067 I wonder if California changed theirs, because a guy who had two felonies got caught stealing 2 packs of cigarettes (nonviolently) and got his 3rd strike that way. For shoplifting. At the time, it was 25 to life for 3 strikes. Dunno how it shakes out these days ... that was in the early 90s, I want to say ... ?
@@jooleebilly "Non violently" while brandishing a weapon counts as violence in American law.
17:01 my dude would be locked up for more than a billion years 😂😂😂😂
I get aggravated when people try to downplay driving without a license. I have worked on roads in the states for over a quarter century and I have noticed that a high number of fatalities are associated with individuals who have had their license revoked. Some will say that it is fines but if you get pulled over that often accept that you most likely suck at driving. Stay out from behind the wheel and try not to kill innocent people.
I recall a case of a woman driving suspended blowing a stop sign and hitting a semi, the semi driver was in his early 20s pinned in the cab and burned to death conscious. The woman died too but wasn’t wearing a belt and probably died on immediately.
I will concede that on occasion people get caught in the system but more often they should not operate a motor vehicle.
I think Simon's point was more that the penalty for driving without a license is.....not being allowed to drive for some period of time. It's a bit non-sensical, the person is already willing to drive when they aren't supposed to, so a further ban isn't really a punishment.
@@xger21 the point is that more often than not no real consequences are realized until some innocent person is maimed or killed.
Yes you could charge someone with manslaughter or better yet second degree murder AFTER the perpetrator destroys a family. To my mind it would be better to give them a few weeks or months in the clink, on work release if they are gainfully employed. (In the states people can be released to work their jobs, generally picked up by a supervisor or colleague and then deposited back in the jail after their shift.). Some decades ago when working construction I occasionally picked up such individuals at the county jail. A number of these individuals (generally convicted of drunken assault) were regarded as better employees while on work release, didn’t show up for work hungover or partially drunk. And as an extra social bonus were not blowing their checks in bars and going home and taking their frustrations out on family.
I land on the other side of the road (pun intended) in the sense that I made the decision *independently* to stop driving back in 2018, when I started experiencing medical issues that made me a risk to myself and other drivers. Didn't have a diagnosis that would warrant doctors putting a medical restriction on my license, but I knew it was the right call for everyone's safety. Don't have a suspended license (mine is current for travel purposes) and I really hate people when people drive suspended. I've only driven once since I made that decision, in an emergency situation in 2019. It has made my life infinitely more difficult, but it has been the the safest call.
Simon uses kid slang all the time on episodes. I can always tell when he just learned a new term online, cuz it starts popping into every episode for a while. 😂
I have never been this early for a blaze 🤣 let's gooo
If they doubled it every time that guy would be in prison for 17,179,869,184 years… just for the 36th burglary
But really he’d only do it probably 7-8 times since 7 times would be 63 years in total, and since he’d only be in his 80’s he’d be able to do it one more time for 127 years total
Exponential growth doesn't play around. I'm guessing the guy got caught each time after multiple burglaries though, so if he robbed, say, 10 houses before getting caught, does he get sentenced to 1,023.5 years? Or is it six months for each house the first time he gets caught (possibly served concurrently)? And then the second time he's busted, is it a year per house or do you jump straight to 1024 years per house?
@geterhero Bah, I went to the trouble of working it out before finding that you already had. (Came to the same figure.)
@@garybarnes4169 I just went to the calculator; started with .5 and multiplied it 2 35 times 😂
@@Fetidaf I reduced it to .25*2^36
Get blazed and listen to the boy with the blaze!
Sunday blaze!!! It's gonna be a good day😊
Early in my career I responded to a commercial alarm at a title loan company. After walking around briefly looking through the windows of the business that closed 7 hours earlier I noticed a ceiling tile hanging. It was at that moment a man fell out of the ceiling about 10 feet and hit the floor. He then scurried into a rear hallway and locked himself in the bathroom. A Belgian Malinois K9 unit went in and the man decided he'd rather get bit before surrendering.
Hours earlier he shimmied up a downspout onto the roof of the business, opened up a roof vent, climbed down inside then found himself trapped above the drop ceiling of the storefront. The alarm he triggered was after the first time he fell through the ceiling but was able to crawl back up to hide just to fall again. He was also shoeless and heavily intoxicated.
Apparently his intention was to break into a vault full of cash with his bare hands.
10 years later and it's still a favorite story of mine to tell.
Simon is like "I'll say shwashtika as many times as I need to if it means I stay monetized."
I don't hate him for it
The editing on this one is FABULOUS.
I like how searching “Blain Braze” brings up this channel
😂😂😂
I’m honestly surprised nobody made an account with that name yet.
AMAZING
Simon unsure how the criminal could fall asleep tells me that he's never eaten 5 pounds of bacon and pancakes in one sitting. Also sad that no one seems to have caught my D&D joke.
Charisma check😂😂 Kind of funny then the next segment was "Eye of the 'Beholder'" too.
Heya Kevin, what about an episode about disastrous misunderstandings of the law?
@@TitularHeroine Oh, like people who got arrested for insane things that they thought were legal?
i love your money honesty so much
That was the best Squarespace advert ever. The key is just have Simon seriously hopped on cafeine.
“Caffeine”
SOOO excited I got to see this within the first 30 minutes of it posting, husband and I enjoyed watching together, this is a good day
Glad you enjoyed!
Ha Ha...I love it when you comment on the ads you are reading. Great show!
My favorite dumbest criminal story, and I am going to show my age here, came from watching a show in the late 80's early 90's called the "World's Dumbest Criminals" and was when an idiot broke into a Foot Locker and stole some shoes. Now, this was during the time when light up hightops were brand new and everyone wanted them. What really made it funny was that the criminal did not just break into a free-standing Foot Locker but one inside a mall, so silent alarms already alerted police and by the time he was leaving the Foot Locker the police were already there, and this was because not only did the criminal have to find the right size for him, he had to lace them up with the, also fashionable at time, Fat Shoe Laces that were done in the most intricate ways with three different color laces, and then put them on, mind you, all while he was still in the store. Now, this is a mall with hardly any lighting in the mall, and all the police had to do was track the flashing lights on his shoes to catch him.
I read the fbi's report on crimes statistics in the United states which breaks down solve rates into more specific categories, things like "knew the victim" or "first offense" and talks about the different arrest and condition rates for each. And man oh man, they were surprising not in line with what is portrayed in the media and it really made me wonder if the expression "crime doesn't pay" is more an aspiration than a fact.
The one in "Performance anxiety" had a cousin in Canada, apparently. I was working a graveyard shift at a 7-11 with a buddy of mine. I was in the back stocking the fridge when some guy came in, grabbed a whole bunch of random crap (candy bars, a container of drain opener, a tin of soup, etc.) put it down on the counter for my buddy to ring up. The total came to something in the range of $25. The guy pulls out a (pretty nice!) knife and sets it down on the counter next to the bagged goods.
Him: "I'm not paying for this."
My buddy picked up the knife and tossed it into the big garbage bin right next to him behind the counter.
Buddy: "Yes you are."
The guy runs off, swearing a blue streak. We called the cops. Guy was arrested within 30 minutes based on our description, though, so he was the dumber cousin?
was probably too tough to hide inside a drain pipe and cry about the knife instead of getting locked up
Rizz >Charisma >Casting stat for Sorcerers, Warlocks, Paladins, and Bards
17:00 In case Simon is wondering how long the burglar would be in prison for, assuming a starting point of 6 months (which is the minimum for burglary in the UK), 36 offenses would mean he would be sent to prison for 17179869184 years for the 36th offense. So, never mind millions of years. We're talking *_17 BILLION years_* 😂😂
I think you missed one offense. Unless I messed up twice in a row, its 34.3 billion years.
Thank you lol😊
@@draidiansfather3382 You need to deduct by 1 since you don't double the first offense (i.e. the formula is _prison time = 0.5*(2^(n-1))_ with _n_ being the number of offenses. I messed it up the first calculation too. 😅😅
of course he'd never make it to 36 offences as he wouldn't live that long and he would not be able to commit more offences be cause he would be in prison.
@@evilwelshman and Now I owe you a thank you.
I learned the "don't hop a fence in baggy pants" lesson the hard way. My cuffs both got caught and my head went pretty much from 12 ft up to the ground. My friend has the unfortunate memory of watching it from 10 ft away unable to help in any way. Fortunately we were close enough to our destination that I was able to get there off an adrenaline surge from the shock. We weren't committing any crimes, btw, it was in the middle of the day and we were taking a shortcut through a college dorm complex.
Simon ain't got the rizz to use rizz in every day life 😂
Finally a new Brain Blaze 😂
Aaaaaannnnnnd now I really want at least a Sopranos episode literally just in an office, multiple guys coming in to get a good telling off for their job conduct 😄
Brilliant editing per usual!
I love you Simon but that was the breathiest welcome I've ever heard😂.
Love ya bud!
I absolutely loved that DnD joke with the rizz explanation 😂
13 minutes in and I’m WHEEZING 😂😂😂
Glad to hear it!
It always amuses me when Simon says something about a way a place is pronounced when you look at the river Thames and realize it doesn't rhyme with James...
Sam missed his chance of crossing out the "ist" in "The Casual Criminalist" when they did that bit
Creative Bankrupt? You were till Business Blaze aka Brain Blaze came around lol. This channel is a riot!
Ruth is a fucking legend!
Simon, this is your best channel
Ah Brain Blaze... The very best channel to showcase that awesome Simon 'Cha - riz - ma'
From southern California I love Simon coverage of Mexican gangs
More plz
3:06 and another 10/10 Sam!
That recorder flute solo though... 🤣
My man, just watching the ad had me in stitches
Yay new business blaze
It hasn’t been called that in a *LONG* time!
@@EpicgamerwinXD6669Shows who’s been here for a while! 😅
Brizznus Brah
Ogbb
I skip the squarespace ads but I promise once I need a website at some point I’ll use this channel’s damn code 😂
7:57 Simon never ceases to be a parody of a stuffy British dude
❤ LOVE Learning Stuff with Fact Boy!!
He went to a school with a fence of spikes at stabbing height! That's gotta make you smart! Exponentially Smart!
Thanks Kevin and The Host!!
How many videos has simon pointed out he is creatively bankrupt??
I've got nothing to add but in the famous words of Philip DeFranco *
"don't be stupid, stupid" 😅😅
Thanks, you beautiful bastard
God Simon when you say “Swashtika” you make it sound like some dumb funny thing that pirates had
Sam you tricked me. Got high before watching and when the Casual Criminalist popped up I thought, "Wait a minute."
I lived nearly my whole life in Tucson (ty for pronunciation) but I never heard of that Mars school. Maybe it didn't last long.
Also this video cracked me up. The Happy Gilmore reference was perfect xD I love these and the editing!
Obligatory "this is the first time I've been so early for a [insert Simon Whistler channel name] video" comment
"Co'mon Duke. Let's go do those crimes".
"Yeah. Let's go eat sushi, and not pay".
Simon discovering the word rizz was a beautiful moment
It's like the old adage, "If you can't be good, be careful, if you can't be careful, be good."
"All bets...are off"
"If all bets are off, there can't be any money, can there?"
- Snatch
As for the gang member's tattoos, I'm no expert on street culture but I think one of the main reasons to be in a gang is power and intimidation. When they walk down the street or into a bar they want everyone to instantly know they're in that gang and to be too scared to mess with them, and the tattoos send that message. That's probably a lot more important to them in their daily lives than any common sense thinking about the tattoos helping to identify them...
the tattoos of encouragement send a calming message that these clowns will not be calling a platoon of cops on you when theyre getting attacked
If brainblaze was the first thing I saw on the internet, I'd be terrified of it.
0:28: You may be "creatively bankrupt", but your vids are still one of the highlights of my day!!!
#GiveSamMoreScraps
Getting tattoos of your crime is writing down and bragging about your crimes.
Thanks for the advert on square space... I will now go look up geo-cities instead! 😂
I know a guy that actually did rob a bank. Pulled up on an ATV, came out with like $30K and took off into the woods. Got caught because someone stopped to make sure the person in the truck with the enclosed trailer stopped on the side of the road was OK.
Damn those good Samaritans!
I know an elderly couple who came home from shopping and discovered their home had been burglarized. They called the police and the police did all the fingerprinting and so on. That night they were lying in bed, too nervous to sleep, and they heard a sound downstairs so they called the police, who came and arrested the guy who had burglarized the place earlier that day, and had come back to get some stuff he couldn't manage the first time. They were to his address and there was the television and all the other stuff, along with stuff belonging to other people who had had break-ins.
A lot of criminals are really, really dumb.
That one was just pure fun!
My 1st run in with the police was when i showed up to a park that my brother and I graffitied to take pics of our tags and the cops were already there and noticed we had spary paint splattered on our hands and clothes that matched the graffiti they were investigating.
Major smooth brain move on my part but hey i was 14
What was your tag?
@@dyslexicboogaloo I used to throw up BIF and KOOPA
When you say in the video, "It's ten past two," and it was ten past two on my phone while thinking about getting lunch ... you and me, on the same page.
I live across the street from an elementary school. If I was to pee in my yard it would be a felony.
To *not* defend Damien, I've been made to take down someone's number and then call them, all while the guy played with his open pocketknife right next to me. That part of things isn't new, and had he just flashed a gun and asked for a friend request, not aure how many women would bother with cops when they can just block the guy.
But he committed a crime first, so it was very stupid.