Anxious preoccupied. 😔 I'm an HSP and had a traumatic, chaotic, volatile, dysfunctional, emotionally neglectful and dysregulated home life in childhood. I have CPTSD, ADHD, high functioning depression and anxiety. I've done a lot of work to understand and heal, but still have a lot more to do. Thank you for helping me in that monumental endeavor.
Love this breakdown! I'm a prior Disorganized Attachment lady turned Secure. One of the incredible things I've learned about attachment styles both personally and professionally as a social worker is how much attachment wounds are healed relationally. For me, this looked like finding a trusted therapist and learning to set strong boundaries to avoid engaging in relationships that constantly triggered my need to either completely shut down/run or fawn/beg with my prior partners.
Hi Everyone! Stay tuned for my series on each attachment style and how to develop a more secure attachment. Remember, attachment styles aren't fixed and we can always become more secure as we heal. Support to everyone here.
@TheHolisticPsychologist Nicole, I’ve been trying to contact you. :) There is something I believe you will be interested in on a dissociated front. Can not discuss here. Would love to connect briefly if you’re interested.
100% disorganized and trying to find the middle ground between caring so much I worry about everything they do or detaching/shutting down to the point I don't care if I never see them again. I have often felt it would be much easier to just be alone and that I would be happier that way, but after reflection realized easy is not the same as fulfilled. I feel like I always behaved the opposite of the person I was dating. If they were too needy or attentive I would become avoidant, or even ghost them. If they seemed distant or somehow triggered a feeling of abandoment, I would become anxious. Mostly I would avoid conflict/confrontation until i was so uncomfortable and resentful I would end up arguing about something insignificant, leading to a big blowout. I'm still learning how to communicate issues, and to do it without seeming combative. A lot of times I come across more harsh than I intend (story of my life as a ND). I grew up with a severely mentally ill father (bipolar with psychosis) and an overwhelmed mother that had to care for my twin siblings that were nearly 9 years younger than me. She was there for me as much as she could be, I just wish more had been explained to me. Its taken years and toxic relationships but I'm proud of the progress I've made in becoming more secure. Its a lifelong journey but I know healing is possible❤
Developing a Secure style now, but I was mostly anxious with unavailable partners, and somewhat avoidant when I sensed that the interaction could lead to something more. The main emotion I can recall throughout my whole childhood and teenage hood is anxiety.... thank you Nicole, pre-ordered your upcoming book.
Either your timing is impeccable, or there are a lot more people out there like me meaning I’m not a freak, or both. ❤ 🔮 ✨ Thank you as always, I look forward to the deep dive.
@@TheHolisticPsychologist. Dear Nicole, I’m wondering how come I just now discovered your channel!!! such amazing tools you share here with us, clear concise video, beautiful vibe... immediately got to web to check the journal, and first page was so welcoming. thank you thank you ❤ i didn’t feel judged when reading guidance questionary for being reactive and hurting very people i love, but i truly felt deep inside i can work on it with success. so grateful we crossed path 😊
This was my fave area of psychology in college. It’s extremely fascinating. It’s amazing how attachment styles effect our lives. I thankfully grew up with a secure attachment style.
I absolutely trust people. I trust them to put their needs over mine. Even their wants over my needs. I trust them to give up early. I trust them to not understand me or really themselves. I completely trust people to be people.
I was neglected as a child. Second oldest of 6 siblings. I was the first born girl. I helped my poor parents care for my siblings at the expense of myself. I was domesticated before being allowed to return to school in the 10th grade.. I’d missed 4 and 1/2 years! I could hang laundry for a family of 8 and I could tend to a toddler and infant through the night, all the while, waking all other siblings up for school. I polished indoor plants. I cooked cleaned I did it all. I ran off with a boy, took severe abuse from him, why not, I took that from my mother and father. I did leave him after 7 scary years I left him, I had three of his babies. All under 4 years old. Now no one cares about me or acknowledges me in my family. There has never been any support of love for me. It’s like I was born to them to serve a purpose and purpose is complete. I’m still the proud and happy mother of three adult children now, all with bright futures 😊. I did that with Gods help. I was beyond blessed and so fortunate to have met my god sent, my true love, to me, an answered prayer, that I’d waited so so long for.. that I eventually lost hope of finding a soulmate. It was then that we found each other. After I’d given up off anyone living me or caring about me, I accepted the idea of “living under a bridge” or in a campground. I would have never met him had it not been, through my only son, several years ago. I’m rambling.. it’s a lot, I have been the wringer. I’ve been happily married for 3 years. Only because HE is amazing. He often says, “I can’t relate and I’m sorry o can’t take it from you. Just let me love you through it, and please love me back.” I don’t ever want to mess it up.. but I feel like I need a retreat. Somewhere to go and talk about it all, cry, be among good people, and be taught how to live and what’s important and what’s not. I’m 46 now 😢, time is running short for me. Either mental illness will finish me, or my unhealthy habits. Anyways, thought I’d share. No regrets… 😅
Despite your difficult start in life, you've managed to raise 3 amazing kids and found a healthy relationship of your own. Hats off to you, you've come this far. Maybe some body work like TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) may help you let go of some of the trauma logged by the body which may facilitate the rest of your healing journey. Whichever way you choose, keep on it! The gifts of strength you'll have developed through all surviving all of this will be needed by others one day.
That is an amazing story and you are an amazing person. You have a LOT to offer others looking for healing. Listen to your inner voice. What do you want to do? Someone like you can probably do anything they want or feel called to. Thanks for sharing.
I also carried all of my traumas, and they were many, as well as vast. I want to write about it. I don’t know where to start. It has been one thing after another in my life for all of my 46 years… I have my very own “Elizabeth Smart” experience. I held that to myself and was just thankful to have survived my 3rd grade summer break. I was so lucky to have lived through that summer. Kids shouldn’t be allowed to have sleepovers. Period.
I am fascinated by attachment theory and it has helped me better understand myself and others. However, I think the ideology that anxious or avoidant styles can only be developed through early caregiver interaction is slightly limited. I know of a few people that were raised by attentive and dependable parents that nevertheless developed anxious/avoidant tendencies later in life. Traumatic experiences and relationships as adults can affect someone’s attachment style as much as early development…? I would love to hear more about this
I always felt as the youngest, everyone was against me. It was kind of true. So I was dependent on developing my style with my Mom. Who was trying to be everyone's emotional rock. So it was either too much of an attachment, or feeling rejected and abandoned. I have been avoidant/anxious and insecure. But I think I am disorganized now, but more secure. The point of integrating the IC and all my parts into one force going in one direction has really helped.
I have an anxious attachment style. It doesn't show up untill I am in a relationship. I was with someone who had an avoidant attachment style, and that gave me a lot of grief. I think that if I found someone with secure attachment I would be much happier and at peace. You live and you learn.
I hear you but then I ask how can a secure attachment person tolerate my anxious attachment style? Sucks to think I have to be ‘together’ before I can have others in my life.
@@jld4870 I just recently saw a YT video that we don't need to be "all together" to have a healthy relationship, the only thing we need is to find a healthy person, who will support us and guide us, this way we will get better ourself. We can do it. Although if I can't I will be better off solo, because I don't need a guy to feel even more lonely again.
Im looking forward to learning more about this... I never really understood where i stand.. definitely not secure....thanks and much appreciation Nicole ... So glad i found you.. ive been learning from your style of teaching.♥️
Disorganized but I tend to be more anxious. I learned about attachment styles a couple years ago now and ever since I’ve been working towards secure. I’ve made some good progress. I’m mostly grateful though that I now have an awareness of my patterns. I feel that awareness is half the battle.
I recently tested as fearful avoidant. Really tough. I used to be more anxious. In fact I still show some anxious signs. There are times where I can have security within my relationship, but the moment that things don't fully gel, I want to run away. I desire space and autonomy and a sense of self above all else. After years of losing myself in relationships and being codependent, I'm looking to break this cycle, but I don't want to be fearful anymore as well. I don't want to be fearful that all my relationships will just end or not work out. Maybe I was always fearful because of the three divorces of my parents as well as having a divorce of my own and consistent breakups. Thank you for making everything so clear and concise
Excited to for this series! I’ve been working on becoming secure. Little did I know I would be uncovering a whole lot of rabbit holes filled with trauma in order to get there. I’m disorganized when I’m comes to intimate relationships but lean avoidant with all other social relationships.
I grew up with a narcissistic parent and i had avoidant attachment but now as an adult with my own children I raise them in a secure attachment style. I broke the cycle in my family as the scapegoat
I’m looking forward to you breakdown videos! ❤appreciate the work you are doing! I think I’m somewhere between anxious and disorganized. I’ve done soo much work to make sure my children feel different and have secure relationships with me so you are helping in way that cannot be comprehended here.
Hi Dr. Nicole, I’m doing your work, but this is new to me. I remember listening to the podcast but not understanding so much about it. I look forward to learn more, thank you 🙏
I think that in the past I was anxious towards the avoidants and avoidant towards the anxious.I had been always chasing the avoidant emotionally unavailable men.
I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. I am aware of it and trying to work towards secure attachment but it’s hard. I still pick unavailable partners but I believe I am getting better at seeing it and not continuing the relationship. Really looking forward to hear everything you have on this topic!!☺️
Thank you for this video. I'm looking forward to your series on this topic! I haven't explored or learned anything about this topic until now. I would place myself into both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I have struggled immensely with social anxiety throughout my life and have attributed a lot of that to managing a stutter. But I know now that it goes deeper than that to my earliest childhood years and upbringing.
I’m an anxious leaving secure. Or disorganized… when I’m with an avoidant- I feel more anxious. When I’m with an anxious- I feel more annoyed- but still secure. It’s hard to find secure ppl to date!
The reason for a caretaker to be unavailable matters too. I accepted that my mom had to work to earn money for us to live on, but felt very betrayed when I found out that she was spending more time at work than she had to💔
Anxious attachment? Or abandoned? I really think both cause my mum would say she would come to visit me, I was living with my grandma, and then she would not come or call to say why. My grandma would get revolted seeing me there waiting for her and would tell me bad things about my mum... It was really hard and I never was able to confront my mum cause she died when I was 16! I had therapy but I really don't know the extent of the trauma! Only now reading your book, How to do the work, I reckon my body language! I forgive my mum but it's been a hard journey! Special with relationships! But your books will help me I have faith, they already are🙏🙏❤️
Question: when I was 19 I got pregnant. My mother dropped me off at a woman’s shelter because I was so sick I couldn’t work. She said that she did that because it was her way of teaching me how the real world works. I was an adult by this time so the question is, could this incident/ experience have an affect on my current relationship(s)? I have two girls now (9 & 13) I can’t speak for others but I couldn’t do that to them.
I’ve always wondered: if I was well taken care of as a baby and toddler, but around 7 years old emotional abuse started… does it mean my attachment style must be secure because it develops when you are a baby/toddler? Or could I still have developed an insecure attachment style if I was constantly mistreated from 7 years on (but not before)?
As someone with a similar experience, I believe trauma can shape you at any time in your life. Yes, the first 7 years are important but they are just a fraction of your lifetime and your brain is still developing for much longer and is susceptible to change your entire life. However, there is also the possibility you just plain don't remember what shaped your attachment. This is something I've had to consider, as well as the fact that being ND can change your perception. I was an only child until age 8, and although my father was gone a lot and never emotionally available, I had a loving, attentive and understanding mother that I had a close and trusting relationship with for the beginning of my life. After my brother and sister were born (twins) everything changed for me and my mom was no longer available like before and of course my dad was still mentally ill (severe bipolar) so he wasn't around much. My mom was overwhelmed with newborn twins and an unstable husband who lost his job due to inappropriate behavior. (He was diagnosed not long after being terminated)I started having issues because of everything going on, which my mother wasn't equipped to handle because of everything she was going through and her own upbringing...I ended up being committed to psychiatric hospital multiple times before I turned 18. I was in several unhealthy relationships as a teen and young adult, which I feel also shaped my attachment. Sorry for making it so long, but hopefully it makes sense and helps explain why I believe your attachment style can still be shaped at a later age. The good thing about this is that you heal at any age as well😊
Curious about attachment styles if another caregiver stepped in? Eg my mother had severe postnatal depression & my grandmother come over every day to care for me (+ my father after work) … if there is consistent caregiving but from different people does that still allow for secure attachment?
Very curious myself about this very topic. Due to health issue my mom (&dad) had me given temporarily to my aunt and uncle for several months while I was between 10-14 months old. I was later told that my aunt & uncle’s family wanted to “keep” me, I was returned as soon as my mom able to care for me and my newborn sister. I’ve always wondered if this has a lot to do with my relationship attachment issues. Altho I was loved and cared for, I was taken away from my mom and dad for quite awhile. I was also the oldest of six, so my mom was always busy with a new baby, and I became the 2nd mama, taking care of younger siblings; and cleaning house, cooking, etc at very young age, when my mom went back to work.❤
Not to argue, I really appreciate you posting again these video lessons but I wanted to suggest to change the mic or just "fix" the audio like switch to the microphone you use in the podcast (Self Healers soundboard) because I know I can hear what you say ..I just get distracted by the way the audio "sounds". ......it is just me ? I am Italian and non english as native speaker so ...sometimes I need to concentrate to get everything. Also you "run" a bit (please don't hate me, I'm not complaining, I'm pointing my """issues""" out!) ...maybe you do that for the lenght of the video but sis I need to get everything you say ...I really need to get your messages /lessons that's why I write this. At the end it's no big deal but still... If you can.. thank you thank you thank you for posting always thank you for sharing your knowledge. thank you.
I have become more secure after lots of work on my self, but as I get older and trying to date, how can I navigate relationships, as many people I have found are avoidant? :(
Just wondering, if anyone knows if there’s a sort of cut off age for this? Is there an age where your relationship with your caregiver stops being as influential to your attachment style?
Just my opinion. I'm 61 and until I started listening to the Dr, Patrick Teahan etc, my attachment style was effecting me. Without new input and self awareness I don't know how I'd grow out of it.
What if none of the styles fit and you kinda just... can't form attachment? :/ There are people I call friends - who I like, hug, talk to - but my emotions are so shallow. Out of sight, out of mind. And I have hardly any connections to my family. Never in my life I had people who I would really grieve. I want relationships but it's just.. not there.
Anxious preoccupied. 😔 I'm an HSP and had a traumatic, chaotic, volatile, dysfunctional, emotionally neglectful and dysregulated home life in childhood. I have CPTSD, ADHD, high functioning depression and anxiety. I've done a lot of work to understand and heal, but still have a lot more to do. Thank you for helping me in that monumental endeavor.
Love this breakdown! I'm a prior Disorganized Attachment lady turned Secure. One of the incredible things I've learned about attachment styles both personally and professionally as a social worker is how much attachment wounds are healed relationally. For me, this looked like finding a trusted therapist and learning to set strong boundaries to avoid engaging in relationships that constantly triggered my need to either completely shut down/run or fawn/beg with my prior partners.
Thank yo so much for watching and sharing
Hi Everyone! Stay tuned for my series on each attachment style and how to develop a more secure attachment. Remember, attachment styles aren't fixed and we can always become more secure as we heal. Support to everyone here.
Ok, I replied to this video. Love it, and thank you
Amazing!!! Glad to see your live teaching videos back. Ty!! 😄💃
@TheHolisticPsychologist
Nicole, I’ve been trying to contact you. :) There is something I believe you will be interested in on a dissociated front. Can not discuss here. Would love to connect briefly if you’re interested.
Wow I really needed this today, thank you
100% disorganized and trying to find the middle ground between caring so much I worry about everything they do or detaching/shutting down to the point I don't care if I never see them again. I have often felt it would be much easier to just be alone and that I would be happier that way, but after reflection realized easy is not the same as fulfilled. I feel like I always behaved the opposite of the person I was dating. If they were too needy or attentive I would become avoidant, or even ghost them. If they seemed distant or somehow triggered a feeling of abandoment, I would become anxious. Mostly I would avoid conflict/confrontation until i was so uncomfortable and resentful I would end up arguing about something insignificant, leading to a big blowout. I'm still learning how to communicate issues, and to do it without seeming combative. A lot of times I come across more harsh than I intend (story of my life as a ND). I grew up with a severely mentally ill father (bipolar with psychosis) and an overwhelmed mother that had to care for my twin siblings that were nearly 9 years younger than me. She was there for me as much as she could be, I just wish more had been explained to me. Its taken years and toxic relationships but I'm proud of the progress I've made in becoming more secure. Its a lifelong journey but I know healing is possible❤
Developing a Secure style now, but I was mostly anxious with unavailable partners, and somewhat avoidant when I sensed that the interaction could lead to something more. The main emotion I can recall throughout my whole childhood and teenage hood is anxiety.... thank you Nicole, pre-ordered your upcoming book.
Either your timing is impeccable, or there are a lot more people out there like me meaning I’m not a freak, or both. ❤ 🔮 ✨ Thank you as always, I look forward to the deep dive.
I'm really grateful you're here!
@@Ark-ys2up high five, fellow freak
Here's to flying our freak flags!!!!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist. Dear Nicole, I’m wondering how come I just now discovered your channel!!!
such amazing tools you share here with us, clear concise video, beautiful vibe... immediately got to web to check the journal, and first page was so welcoming. thank you thank you ❤ i didn’t feel judged when reading guidance questionary for being reactive and hurting very people i love, but i truly felt deep inside i can work on it with success. so grateful we crossed path 😊
This was my fave area of psychology in college. It’s extremely fascinating. It’s amazing how attachment styles effect our lives.
I thankfully grew up with a secure attachment style.
I absolutely trust people.
I trust them to put their needs over mine. Even their wants over my needs.
I trust them to give up early.
I trust them to not understand me or really themselves.
I completely trust people to be people.
I was neglected as a child. Second oldest of 6 siblings. I was the first born girl. I helped my poor parents care for my siblings at the expense of myself. I was domesticated before being allowed to return to school in the 10th grade.. I’d missed 4 and 1/2 years! I could hang laundry for a family of 8 and I could tend to a toddler and infant through the night, all the while, waking all other siblings up for school. I polished indoor plants. I cooked cleaned I did it all. I ran off with a boy, took severe abuse from him, why not, I took that from my mother and father. I did leave him after 7 scary years I left him, I had three of his babies. All under 4 years old. Now no one cares about me or acknowledges me in my family. There has never been any support of love for me. It’s like I was born to them to serve a purpose and purpose is complete. I’m still the proud and happy mother of three adult children now, all with bright futures 😊. I did that with Gods help. I was beyond blessed and so fortunate to have met my god sent, my true love, to me, an answered prayer, that I’d waited so so long for.. that I eventually lost hope of finding a soulmate. It was then that we found each other. After I’d given up off anyone living me or caring about me, I accepted the idea of “living under a bridge” or in a campground. I would have never met him had it not been, through my only son, several years ago. I’m rambling.. it’s a lot, I have been the wringer. I’ve been happily married for 3 years. Only because HE is amazing. He often says, “I can’t relate and I’m sorry o can’t take it from you. Just let me love you through it, and please love me back.” I don’t ever want to mess it up.. but I feel like I need a retreat. Somewhere to go and talk about it all, cry, be among good people, and be taught how to live and what’s important and what’s not. I’m 46 now 😢, time is running short for me. Either mental illness will finish me, or my unhealthy habits. Anyways, thought I’d share. No regrets… 😅
Despite your difficult start in life, you've managed to raise 3 amazing kids and found a healthy relationship of your own. Hats off to you, you've come this far. Maybe some body work like TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) may help you let go of some of the trauma logged by the body which may facilitate the rest of your healing journey. Whichever way you choose, keep on it! The gifts of strength you'll have developed through all surviving all of this will be needed by others one day.
That is an amazing story and you are an amazing person. You have a LOT to offer others looking for healing. Listen to your inner voice. What do you want to do? Someone like you can probably do anything they want or feel called to. Thanks for sharing.
I also carried all of my traumas, and they were many, as well as vast. I want to write about it. I don’t know where to start. It has been one thing after another in my life for all of my 46 years… I have my very own “Elizabeth Smart” experience. I held that to myself and was just thankful to have survived my 3rd grade summer break. I was so lucky to have lived through that summer. Kids shouldn’t be allowed to have sleepovers. Period.
@@sonjajoinerl am so sorry honey!
I am fascinated by attachment theory and it has helped me better understand myself and others. However, I think the ideology that anxious or avoidant styles can only be developed through early caregiver interaction is slightly limited. I know of a few people that were raised by attentive and dependable parents that nevertheless developed anxious/avoidant tendencies later in life. Traumatic experiences and relationships as adults can affect someone’s attachment style as much as early development…? I would love to hear more about this
I always felt as the youngest, everyone was against me. It was kind of true. So I was dependent on developing my style with my Mom. Who was trying to be everyone's emotional rock. So it was either too much of an attachment, or feeling rejected and abandoned. I have been avoidant/anxious and insecure. But I think I am disorganized now, but more secure. The point of integrating the IC and all my parts into one force going in one direction has really helped.
I have an anxious attachment style. It doesn't show up untill I am in a relationship. I was with someone who had an avoidant attachment style, and that gave me a lot of grief. I think that if I found someone with secure attachment I would be much happier and at peace. You live and you learn.
I hear you but then I ask how can a secure attachment person tolerate my anxious attachment style?
Sucks to think I have to be ‘together’ before I can have others in my life.
@@jld4870 I just recently saw a YT video that we don't need to be "all together" to have a healthy relationship, the only thing we need is to find a healthy person, who will support us and guide us, this way we will get better ourself. We can do it. Although if I can't I will be better off solo, because I don't need a guy to feel even more lonely again.
Im looking forward to learning more about this... I never really understood where i stand.. definitely not secure....thanks and much appreciation Nicole ... So glad i found you.. ive been learning from your style of teaching.♥️
Thank you so much! Appreciate you being here lots more on attachment to come.
Disorganized but I tend to be more anxious. I learned about attachment styles a couple years ago now and ever since I’ve been working towards secure. I’ve made some good progress. I’m mostly grateful though that I now have an awareness of my patterns. I feel that awareness is half the battle.
I recently tested as fearful avoidant. Really tough. I used to be more anxious. In fact I still show some anxious signs. There are times where I can have security within my relationship, but the moment that things don't fully gel, I want to run away. I desire space and autonomy and a sense of self above all else. After years of losing myself in relationships and being codependent, I'm looking to break this cycle, but I don't want to be fearful anymore as well. I don't want to be fearful that all my relationships will just end or not work out. Maybe I was always fearful because of the three divorces of my parents as well as having a divorce of my own and consistent breakups. Thank you for making everything so clear and concise
Excited to for this series! I’ve been working on becoming secure. Little did I know I would be uncovering a whole lot of rabbit holes filled with trauma in order to get there. I’m disorganized when I’m comes to intimate relationships but lean avoidant with all other social relationships.
Disorganized. En route to secure, and I'm definitely making progress!!
I grew up with a narcissistic parent and i had avoidant attachment but now as an adult with my own children I raise them in a secure attachment style. I broke the cycle in my family as the scapegoat
Don't realise how amazing and helpful your content is keep going God bless you ❤. Sending love and support from bharat 🇮🇳
Thank you for guiding us through this worthy understanding of human behavior. It helps me better love my family & myself.
Hi there
I’m a mix of anxious and disorganized. With work, im learning about more secure patterns. This is cool, thanks for sharing.
Hi! thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this video…looking forward to upcoming series
I just shared this concept with a client yesterday and glad to share this resource with them today ❤
Thank you for sharing with your client!
I’m looking forward to you breakdown videos! ❤appreciate the work you are doing! I think I’m somewhere between anxious and disorganized. I’ve done soo much work to make sure my children feel different and have secure relationships with me so you are helping in way that cannot be comprehended here.
Fearful avoidant represent!
Thank u! I can’t wait to read your book!
Hi Dr. Nicole, I’m doing your work, but this is new to me. I remember listening to the podcast but not understanding so much about it. I look forward to learn more, thank you 🙏
I will definitely follow along :) Love your posts on attachment styles on insta. Thank you
I think that in the past I was anxious towards the avoidants and avoidant towards the anxious.I had been always chasing the avoidant emotionally unavailable men.
I have an anxious preoccupied attachment style. I am aware of it and trying to work towards secure attachment but it’s hard. I still pick unavailable partners but I believe I am getting better at seeing it and not continuing the relationship. Really looking forward to hear everything you have on this topic!!☺️
Thank you for this video. I'm looking forward to your series on this topic! I haven't explored or learned anything about this topic until now.
I would place myself into both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I have struggled immensely with social anxiety throughout my life and have attributed a lot of that to managing a stutter. But I know now that it goes deeper than that to my earliest childhood years and upbringing.
I’m an anxious leaving secure. Or disorganized… when I’m with an avoidant- I feel more anxious. When I’m with an anxious- I feel more annoyed- but still secure. It’s hard to find secure ppl to date!
I did a test that I do relate to that said I'm about half and half anxious attachment and disorganised attachment.
The reason for a caretaker to be unavailable matters too. I accepted that my mom had to work to earn money for us to live on, but felt very betrayed when I found out that she was spending more time at work than she had to💔
Avoidant. Which, I'm beginning to see in depth during the process of a new relationship.
❤love your work. Thank you for being you darling
I believe I'm disorganized style but sometimes I'm secure, when I'm in a secure relationship as i was in my second marriage
Love this sooo much!! Thank you so much ❤❤❤❤❤
Earned secure. Was anxious in the past.
Amazing! It's powerful how we can really shift our stye through practice and commitment.
Anxious attachment? Or abandoned? I really think both cause my mum would say she would come to visit me, I was living with my grandma, and then she would not come or call to say why. My grandma would get revolted seeing me there waiting for her and would tell me bad things about my mum... It was really hard and I never was able to confront my mum cause she died when I was 16! I had therapy but I really don't know the extent of the trauma! Only now reading your book, How to do the work, I reckon my body language! I forgive my mum but it's been a hard journey! Special with relationships! But your books will help me I have faith, they already are🙏🙏❤️
Anxious attachment
Anxious attachment style. There was no safety in my family. I felt like I didn't belong, and I didn't feel loved.
Super helpful - love your clips
Thank you so much!
Love your work.🫶🏻
I'm an anxious attachment style moving to secure attachment
Avoidant Attachment here 😅🙋♀️ is it possible to develop a secure attachment through self-work?
Anxious
Im not sure, but it probably isn't secure. :P I look forward to the breakdown.
I realte to all 4 styles
Thank you
A little bit of all 4 styles I think.
Question: when I was 19 I got pregnant. My mother dropped me off at a woman’s shelter because I was so sick I couldn’t work. She said that she did that because it was her way of teaching me how the real world works.
I was an adult by this time so the question is, could this incident/ experience have an affect on my current relationship(s)?
I have two girls now (9 & 13) I can’t speak for others but I couldn’t do that to them.
I’ve always wondered: if I was well taken care of as a baby and toddler, but around 7 years old emotional abuse started… does it mean my attachment style must be secure because it develops when you are a baby/toddler? Or could I still have developed an insecure attachment style if I was constantly mistreated from 7 years on (but not before)?
As someone with a similar experience, I believe trauma can shape you at any time in your life. Yes, the first 7 years are important but they are just a fraction of your lifetime and your brain is still developing for much longer and is susceptible to change your entire life. However, there is also the possibility you just plain don't remember what shaped your attachment. This is something I've had to consider, as well as the fact that being ND can change your perception. I was an only child until age 8, and although my father was gone a lot and never emotionally available, I had a loving, attentive and understanding mother that I had a close and trusting relationship with for the beginning of my life. After my brother and sister were born (twins) everything changed for me and my mom was no longer available like before and of course my dad was still mentally ill (severe bipolar) so he wasn't around much. My mom was overwhelmed with newborn twins and an unstable husband who lost his job due to inappropriate behavior. (He was diagnosed not long after being terminated)I started having issues because of everything going on, which my mother wasn't equipped to handle because of everything she was going through and her own upbringing...I ended up being committed to psychiatric hospital multiple times before I turned 18. I was in several unhealthy relationships as a teen and young adult, which I feel also shaped my attachment. Sorry for making it so long, but hopefully it makes sense and helps explain why I believe your attachment style can still be shaped at a later age. The good thing about this is that you heal at any age as well😊
00:00 - Attachment Styles
00:30 - How we developed attachment styles
01:02 - Example of Developed attachment styles
02:10- 4 Attachment Styles
Disorganised working towards secure
Curious about attachment styles if another caregiver stepped in? Eg my mother had severe postnatal depression & my grandmother come over every day to care for me (+ my father after work) … if there is consistent caregiving but from different people does that still allow for secure attachment?
Omg, reading yours made me realize I had babysitters all my young life bc my Mom had to go to work. I felt abandoned everyday. Wow.
Very curious myself about this very topic. Due to health issue my mom (&dad) had me given temporarily to my aunt and uncle for several months while I was between 10-14 months old. I was later told that my aunt & uncle’s family wanted to “keep” me, I was returned as soon as my mom able to care for me and my newborn sister. I’ve always wondered if this has a lot to do with my relationship attachment issues. Altho I was loved and cared for, I was taken away from my mom and dad for quite awhile. I was also the oldest of six, so my mom was always busy with a new baby, and I became the 2nd mama, taking care of younger siblings; and cleaning house, cooking, etc at very young age, when my mom went back to work.❤
Its hard work to change these things , like ripping up your whole foundation 😢
Not to argue, I really appreciate you posting again these video lessons but I wanted to suggest to change the mic or just "fix" the audio like switch to the microphone you use in the podcast (Self Healers soundboard) because I know I can hear what you say ..I just get distracted by the way the audio "sounds". ......it is just me ? I am Italian and non english as native speaker so ...sometimes I need to concentrate to get everything. Also you "run" a bit (please don't hate me, I'm not complaining, I'm pointing my """issues""" out!) ...maybe you do that for the lenght of the video but sis I need to get everything you say ...I really need to get your messages /lessons that's why I write this.
At the end it's no big deal but still... If you can.. thank you thank you thank you for posting always thank you for sharing your knowledge. thank you.
I have avoidant attachment style
I have become more secure after lots of work on my self, but as I get older and trying to date, how can I navigate relationships, as many people I have found are avoidant? :(
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I am apparently Anxious Disorganized attachment
I find partners are never emotionally available and i attract those partners, i want to change that but dont how. I think im anxious attachment style
Just wondering, if anyone knows if there’s a sort of cut off age for this? Is there an age where your relationship with your caregiver stops being as influential to your attachment style?
Just my opinion. I'm 61 and until I started listening to the Dr, Patrick Teahan etc, my attachment style was effecting me. Without new input and self awareness I don't know how I'd grow out of it.
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Avoidant/anxious.
Fearful avoidant
Can bad attachment styles be corrected?
Dear Lord, I hope so. 😅 🤞
Yes! I have an upcoming video on this@@digitaldorothy
It’s not bad, just insecure, dr Brady Reedy does a good breakdown. Envoke therapy. And dr. Sue Johnson.
I had no one to depend on. I still don’t.
What if none of the styles fit and you kinda just... can't form attachment? :/ There are people I call friends - who I like, hug, talk to - but my emotions are so shallow. Out of sight, out of mind. And I have hardly any connections to my family. Never in my life I had people who I would really grieve. I want relationships but it's just.. not there.
Fearful avoidant....
Disorganized learning secure
Avoidant
Disorganized
Oversimplified and difficult to listen to with this Unnatural emphasis.