What To Do About Parental Alienation Syndrome
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
- What is Parental Alienation Syndrome, and what does it do to families? How do you avoid experiencing this? In today's episode, let's discuss a serious issue that some families go through. Stay tuned to learn more and share this video with friends to spread awareness.
00:19 I was a Child Custody Evaluator
01:23 This is what it means
02:30 Think about this
03:35 Knock it off
04:17 Disclaimer
05:43 Refuse to take the bait
06:15 Defensiveness validates accusation
07:55 Your job
09:13 Do this
Watch and Enjoy!
Dr. Paul Jenkins
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As one of the leading advocates against parental alienation in Canada I agree with everything he have said. I believe it is time for parental alienation to be a punishable crime.
Sheffanessea Brown, in certain cases there should be consequences.
Love from Toronto
In Ireland, it is part of the DA laws as an aggravating factor if a parent is seeking a protection/safety order. The problem, for me, is that if I sought this Order, it would actually only alienate my daughter further as she is very attached to her father (as she should be). I have come to realise that, at this stage, there is nothing more I can do and have to accept losing my relationship with her. Her father is very, very manipulative and always rationalises his own behaviour, usually by blaming me even if he has to lie about me to do this. I honestly believe that he believes his own preferred realities but I now see my daughter doing the same thing. I don't know how I can feel when she accuses me of things that never happened. Ultimately I believe that he is doing this to force me out of my own home so that he can move in and, in that way, continue to avoid adult reality. Of course, he would never own that. I made a terrible error in being with him and it is costing me absolutely everything.
Absolutely and then should be placed in solitary confinement with no contact with children so they can feel the crisis of separation they have causes. Then they should be institutionalized.
@@jsaff4391 Yes, I have always said I would not wish that extreme aloneness on anyone but... you have made me realise that some people should experience this. It's worse than any death or physical pain. It strips your humanity.
I'm going through this myself. My daughters are now young adults and it's still going on as they live with their mom. They ignore my messages and I don't get to see them on holidays. I've reached the point where I have to focus on myself, love and live my life as I carry on. I'll get lost in anger if I stay focused on the injustice of the court system and what happened in my case.
Sorry you are going through this, Doug G. Hopefully they will realize they need you soon.
Keep going..at this time I'm on the fence of just not fighting the same crooked courts in another state in this judicially ethical country, lol
🥺🥺🥺
Doug, I am going through the same with my eldest daughter. Heartbreaking being excluded from my grandson's.
Kim, I'm sorry to hear you're going through it as well. I'm sure we're not alone.
God with us all still healing & suffering from “Parental Alienation” and narcissistic ex spouses, (Been two years now since I have seen my two teens, I am still fighting for them!) ❤️🤘✝️
I hope you get to see them soon.
I created the most stable, sane, loving, warm, open, warm, communicative environment in the world for my children.
It was no match for the sickness inside their father. They're lost to me now, because I did everything right.
I am sorry this is happening to you. My hope is that one day the relationships can be healed.
Keep praying on them … God will turn them around…
Me and you both. I have my daughter thank god. But it hurts, my sons are gone.
Same...I recently started communication with my daughter.... But she still keeps contact with the women who co-signed this show and still doesn't trust me AT ALL, to even tell me what car she drives... We don't even live in the same state. I'm sick sick sick of defending myself against a liar and his accomplices.
Ten years ago, I was going through this and it was one of the worst periods of my life. I hit bottom when I flew in to attend my son's birthday party and was told I couldn't attend because it would make some people uncomfortable. When I got home, I read Divorce Poison, read all I could about PA online, and stopped taking the bait. One of the things I learned from all of that reading was that children will usually side with the parent that they perceive as emotionally weaker or needing them. They see the other parent as the aggressor even if they aren't. I had not been bad-mouthing my ex but I HAD been openly angry about the things he said/did. I learned to respond to the bait with silence when dealing with my ex, and something like, "Oh, I'm sorry he said that to you...did you guys have a good time at the concert?" when talking to my son. It showed I was listening to him, and responding, but not emotionally reacting. It was a rough road, and things got worst as my teen son had to adjust his perspective, but by year end, things were better. Not the same as they were before...but healing.
skyethebard, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are doing a lot. I hope the relationship between you and your son continue to heal. Best wishes.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV That was a long time ago - he's 25, now! He calls that era (2009/2010) "The Year That Never Happened" and rolls his eyes in embarrassment. I remind him that it was tough for everyone and he was just a kid. I'd like to say that our relationship was completely healed but the experience damaged me and I don't love anyone as fully, as trustingly, as I did before that era. I think eventually figuring out his dad was not a victim damaged my son, too.
Live On Purpose TV l it
I wish the aggressors know about back firing.
"it gets better" is a white lie that people tell each other
Amazes me how much knowledge this guy has to offer...
Thank you, the guy in the helmet. I have lots of years of experience! Honored to have you at the channel.
Disgusting
I followed your advice exactly as provided in your video, and as a result, I have now completely lost contact with my children. The mother, who was upset that the children were happy to stay with me, - not because she wanted to protect them -, relocated from Belgium to Austria and falsely accused me of pedophilia. It took two years to realize that her accusation was baseless. As a result, the children are now completely alienated, and regulating visitation rights has become impossible. The only viable solution to this problem is to grant both parents equal rights. Only a judicial system founded on the principle of equality can safeguard the well-being of the children.
I am sorry this has been your experience. Just tragic. I hope you can figure out a way to build a relationship again.
Thanks for continually saying to love your kids no matter what and even if. Great reinforcement.
As a single Dad trying to work with depression it sometimes gets so overwhelming that I don't know what to do. I just remember those words and tell my kids I love them.
H Man, Love this.
This man has pulled me through very tough experiences. He has gone through very hard things himself, so he’s been there done that.
Garrett Crowley, glad you are here.
Thank you for reminding us of what's really the point in these cases. If the child's feelings were paramount always, there'd never been a need for these sorts of videos.
You are so welcome, David.
Yes but unfortunately selfish a holes think only about themselves
Beautifully put 😭 Children should have an opportunity to love both parents freely.
Absolutley, Kat Barz. Thank you - honored to have you here.
There is no "they" in alienation. One parent wants the other parent to go away.
Murray Marshawn, and sometimes they succeed in driving them away. Sad.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV There is no 'they' when one parent desires the elimination of the other. And you never call this out.
Yes go away but still send the support check every month
@@murraymarshawn2175 in my case there is a "they"
My ex
His girlfriend
And her husband
3 Alienaters
Her being the master mind
@@stopspyingonmeML There is always a "they." The devil always has helpers. However, what I reference is the use of "they" to include the targeted parent as responsible.
Amazing values and advice as always. Focusing on the kids is always in the best interest of everyone, especially the kids! Thank you!
You are welcome, Matt Fernandes. Honored to be on your team!
These videos are tackling the most painful experiences in peoples lives. Honestly I've watched them somedays and been furious, then other days I found hope again watching..........
Thanks for doing the videos, its such a nightmare to walk through and your comments give some light in navigating the lonely darkness that is parental alienation.
Mark Stokes, such a difficult thing to go through, we are with you.
I wish I watched this yesterday. I am a single mum of a 16 and 18 yr old. I have struggled with severe mental health and addiction issues decades ago. My son came home a few days ago (age 18) having had a 'bonding and drinking session' with his dad. I was pleased for him until his dad texted me saying my son now knows 'the truth' about everything .He had told him all about my struggles and painted me in a terrible light and even again accused me of favouring my son over my daughter and it broke my heart to see that my son believed it all.He even called me a persistent liar. I did get defensive but fortunately I watched this video so I won't be responding or taking the bait as you suggested. I just wished I responded better when my son tried talking to me. For years I have suffered from their dad trying to alienate me and it has been so stressful especially now my kids want to move in with him so as you can imagine I am gutted and so stressed with it all. THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO I hope it's not too late to take your wonderful advice.
I'm going through this myself as well. I recently discovered the full parameters of how deeply my two oldest adult children were manipulated by my then current wife. A few years ago my youngest son came forward to me and told me his mother would often bad mouth me to my two oldest adult children in front of him, and that it bothered him a great deal. I was absolutely stunned, but it made perfect sense given the division in our family created by what i know now was due to my wifes smear campaigns to them. Today they are both fully alienated and take part in the smearing as well...them smearing me to others as well to each other. I then obtained proof via an audio recording of them all doing just that. This explains why my two oldest growing up would often disrespect me even though i put my foot down regularly, and give me difficulties often with doing basic chores and then them distancing themselves from me gradually. I recrntoy discovered that my adult daughter also smear campaigns me with whomever will listen to her. She had her husband convinced i was an evil father when i was not. I am not a perfect dad but who is?...but my children were always my world and i was always there for them as a psrent should be. This is mental abuse done by my current wife and her evil family. This doesn't just happen with divorcees but when the smeared finds out it will no doubt lead to a divorce. Then the real hell begins bc people who can do this crap have to soul and won't hold back when it's out in the open.
Santo Parfano, thank you for sharing your experience. Usually the kids grow up and at some point, realize what was done to them. Then they get upset at the alienating parent. I wish you well.
Oh my gosh! I've been giving into the bait because I can't stand the thought of him alienating my kids - there's new comments every week. They come home today, I needed this today. You're right on time for me. Thank you.
So glad we're in sync, Haleigh Isbill!
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Me too!
What's scary to me is that a parent seems to be able to alter a child's memories. How can that happen? Also, what do you do if the other parent seems to be able to make her will seem like the child's own will. The child seems to think what she wants is his own will..
sara Attar, that can happen. Usually the child will figure it out as they get older, not always. If you think this is happening, I would seek some professional help to sort things out.
Conditioning the same thing as a normal person become radicalised to be a terrorist
That's exactly what my sister did, now my nieces, 9 and 13 wont see me! I am one devastated Auntie :(
Oh dear, you and I are having the same experience. Best to you. I hope you got through this.
@@tarawalsh7045 Yeah... It's scarry to watch. And straight up heart breaking.
Dr. Paul is such a good man! His guidance helped me more than anyone else, especially when it came to this subject. If you are being alienated by your ex, this one video is all you need. I say that, without an ounce of hyperbole. Other RUclips channels helped me realize it was happening, but Dr. Paul explained what I could and couldn’t do about it. If your main goal is protecting your child from further damage, and your relationship with your child, everything you need to know, is here, in this 12 minute video.
Thank you, Peter, that means a lot.
I’m going through this right now. I had custody of my son and his dad would constantly take off with him. He withheld him from me for 21 days and I took the cops to get him. He started lying and saying my son wasn’t safe with me because I finally decided to fight back and get the law involved. Well to say the least I haven’t seen my son in 3 years. He has isolated him from me and my daughters. I go to court and he finds a way to get it reset or states my son is unstable. Then he don’t follow the judges orders. My son was 7 when this started. I can’t a attorney in Texas that will fight for me and my case :(
I am so sorry, can you pursue this yourself?
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I’m trying to get it into court. I’m praying they acknowledge parental alienation.
Hire Slav Talavera
This is some damned good advice! I'm actually the victim of grandparent alienation, but the strategies work for this as well! Thanks!
Yes, pull out the principle and it can be applied broadly.
I hate this so much. 😢 Takes so much patience and tolerance. Feels like the hardest possible training you could go through on Earth. Having to love your children from afar and endure their disdain. Feels like there's no way out.
Soooo difficult. I am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope things work out in the end and the kids come back to you. They usually figure things out.
Surround yourself with positive people who will support you when it rains, not just when it shines.
Love it - so true, Chrisoula Lakkas. Thank you.
This people don't exist. Many left me alone, and I lost friends, or couldn't make any because my relationship with our children. Easier said than done. People hate my drama, and I too hate it. I don't get it. I cannot focus on myself and children because I am constantly looking behind my back. But now I get it. If I focus on myself and being a stable lone single parent, I am called selfish.
Great video. 👍
Wish I saw this a year ago when my custody battle started and my daughter was withheld and 100 + lies were thrown my way 😅
Thank you, Bob Hope. Sorry I didn't have this for you when you needed it. Hopefully I can help others now. : )
Really good advice! OMG, I wish I'd had this advice 27 years ago! He lobbed so much hurtful bait through my daughter, through court documents, and through games that he had his girlfriend doing to me (absolute absurdity). I was exhausted!
He spend hours working at damaging our home with phone calls 2-3 times a day, speaking his poison to her, and it actually caused such harm in her adult life. That stated, we always set the tone that she was entitled to both parents and grandparents! Thankfully, this has come to more awareness. However, the courts need even more training about the harm that it causes to children. I've seen it happen more recently with a dear friend's children. Back in 1994, I made my daughter's counselor aware of the problem, even cited Garner's book PA SYNDROME, gave her research papers, etc. She didn't believe me until after I hadn't seen my daughter for 18 months! Then my daughter's court-appointed attorney and the counselor turned it around, and my daughter was returned to me. She still had contact with her dad. Super long, crazy story! BUT listen to Dr. Paul!
Thank you for sharing your experience, Lisa.
You're the best, Dr. Paul! Amazes me how you're captivating and straight to the point at the same time. We can tell that there's a lot of technical and experience behind the easy to understand and empathetic communication he uses. Congratulations and thank you so much!
dantenoda, you are very welcome, honored to be on your team.
Thank u so much for this video. “Not explaining or defending” was a huge takeaway and getting me to see how my girls would see that as validating their mothers bullsh*t.
Thank u 🙏🙏💕
Honored to be on your team.
Thank you. I appreciate the timely reminder to not take the bait and to not allow myself to be drawn into conflict.
You are welcome, Michael Lunos. Glad the video was helpful. Thanks for watching.
Great advice. I defended myself indignantly and the accuser looked on calmly and enjoyed their sense of power. My child ended up brainwashed.
So sorry, I hope you can reunite one day.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thanks. I doubt it though as she thinks I'm "dangerous and mentally sick". I have had to detach emotionally and give up my false hopes. I take full responsibility for reacting emotionally, pleading and trying to please, not effing off when she told me to for decades (which I thought was loyalty and she probably saw as not respecting boundaries), for not protecting her and my other children from my covert mother in my ignorance of narcissistic abuse, for setting a bad example of tolerating contempt and humiliation for decades and confusing my children by being assertive in most situations but being a doormat to my mother, and other parenting mistakes.
I love my family so much and lived my life for them. It's devastating, but getting better since I let go of the bullies.
14 years alienated. Hella good lies he told my kids. Hella good
VO, sorry, I hope they grow up and understand that there might be more to the story.
I'm so so sorry
@@LiveOnPurposeTV right. There's never two sides to a story. Only one side to the story. Its called Truth. My story would shock you. Pretty sure.
@@amandarecoveryjones8216 you are dear to reply. Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️
What your saying is true but it is actually much much more complex an psychologically deep rooted than the way you’ve described it.
CTC, is so complex, much more than can be described in a YT video. Thank you for watching.
I had a friend who could have benefited from your advice. She was divorced with two girls. She was continuously battling her ex over everything, taking him to court repeatedly for years. It did backfire. At one point her two children turned on her, defying her, cursing her, even physically attacking her. She let them go live with her ex then, at the ages of about 10 and 7, but she lost them completely at that point. She tried repeatedly to win them back, but they wanted nothing to do with her. She died a few years afterwards, completely estranged from her children and financially ruined from years of court battles.
I am very saddened to hear that, Nancy Clay. I wish she could have seen this video, too. That is too bad for everyone.
💔
I am currently going through it myself. My ex Girlfriend and I have a daughter and she has prevented me from being in my daughter’s life. She has used and manipulated Family Court to do that and personally stripped me of my parental rights. I believe that this situation will eventually work itself out.
It will and you will always love your daughter, no matter what and even if...
As usual it’s a mother perpetrating this behaviour
I agree that in most cases, it isn't the child's issue. However, with older children (young adults) who have chosen to go "no contact" with you and live with the other parent (in my case, it's my older brother), if the alienator is a narcissist, then it is not uncommon for the child to take on those same narcissistic traits. In narcissistic family systems, the enablers will side with the abuser and there will be a "groupthink" mentality against the scapegoat (the targeted parent). I have experienced this with extended family members who had a great need to "fit in". And my daughter has joined in with the enablers.
It is true, that in time, the alienated child will "see the light". However, for those of who are senior citizens, by the time our child gets it, it may be too late. If so, then this is their situation to grieve, when they are notified that we have passed away.
chocolate57, it is so sad, so much wasted time.
@@LiveOnPurposeTVah it’s ok, as you advice “the kids will figure it out eventually” right 🤦🏻♂️
Thank you for this video! Been waiting for you to come out with something on this topic! Sage advice as always!
Thanks, Kristina Robinson Vlogs. Happy to be of service to you!
Thanks for this video. My daughter is only 4 and I haven't seen any signs to indicate my ex is doing this but my ex has done many other toxic things. Mainly towards me. I hope she doesn't decide to use this tactic but I've already started to do a lot of what you mention just to go stabilise her other toxic behaviour.
Not taking the bait is very powerful. It really puts a stop to the situation right there.
Good luck, Adrian.
Thank you for the advice, I needed to hear that. :)
You are so welcome!
Love your channel. Thank you for your work.
You are welcome, spcbell3246. I'm truly honored to be on your team!
the court system, family law, lawyers, borderline personality disorder, protection order are puzzles pieces of parental alienation.
Jet Last, yep, parental alienation has some unfortunate consequences. I hope the video gave you some good ideas on how to not take the bait and instead rise above. Thanks for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Your videos are amazing! Thank you for your hard job!
@Mr KMH Exactly! Thank you for your support!
Awesome video, very important topic. Too bad lots of parents aren't mature enough to do what's best for their children during a divorce or separation. It's not easy however its doable and it worth doing for the greater good. I am also glad you empathize controlling your house and not be triggered by the messenger.
Thank you, Jacki Bedward. Honored to have you at Live On Purpose TV.
I couldnt agree with you more! Thanks for this❤️
You are welcome.
Thank you by the way...such golden advice and it worked with my son! 🙏♥️👍
Glad it helped!
Wow amen! I really needed this! Thank you!
Samuel Morales, you are welcome! Honored to be on your team.
Thank god I’ve been doing the ‘giving up’ and the accusations are soo many I don’t even know how to defend myself. They are half truths at best, exaggerations and complete lies at worst.
Living Legend, I feel for you, best not to respond if you don't have to.
I did a strategic non response and it led to death threats! I agree that non response is great for most cases. Sadly in my case it led to more abuse. I have always replied with love and kindness. My ex wife was later diagnosed as bipolar.
Gus Klemp, when there is a mental condition, the reactions can be unforeseen. I wish you the best.
There is no clear strategy in dealing with a more than likely borderline sociopathic wounded person
I agree, same here. My Ex is a malignant narcissist to a “T”, it was hard for me to accept this and I didn’t want my boys to have a broken home. I tried everything I could and begged him to get help. I loved him without any conditions and wanted so badly to be a family. He took my meek approach as weakness and started his smear campaign far before me and the boys left after he almost killed me in front of them. The more I say back and let him blast victim to everyone the worse it got. I didn’t want to be public about anything and I certainly don’t talk about him around the boys but the laid back approach hasn’t been the best answer here for me although no matter which way I go he is still going to play victim. He’s very good at that and wears many masks.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this, me too. Nothing seems to work, any and all responses are always construed in a bad light. Excruciating.
What if a bad father started alienating your daughters around 14 and 16 by throwing $50 bills on their bed after humiliating and bullying with bad language at their mother? And she said NOTHING against their father for the good reason you gave- and those very daughters are more sadistic than ever to their mother? I finally said something yesterday.
Kathleen Veronesi, I hope you didn't get that kids can act disrespectful to their parents and that is o.k. Two things kids need are discipline and love. If the kids are not being respectful then you should give them consequences.
What about when you're an Auntie and your sibling has taken away the kids and poisoned them against you so you have no more contact? I can't text them anymore as they got new phones. I am DEVASTATED, and that's just what she wanted, to hurt me
So sorry, there isn't much you can do about that as an aunt. Hold out hope for when they grow up you can have some contact.
Aaahh you are God sent. Thank you!
You're welcome!
What about when you follow the court orders to the letter making sure to be on time to and from visitation and making sure that the other parent gets their visitation and phone contact every single day that they call within the court appointed hours but then the other parent bad mouths the mother and step father and accuses them of parental alienation every time he doesn't get his way and goes around telling people how difficult the mother is just because he doesn't get his way whenever he wants? It's like said person accuses the mother and stepfather of all the things HE does that they aren't doing while badmouthing them and falsely accusing them of parental alienation. When the other person is full of anger, bitternness, hate is actually the difficult one, almost ALWAYS late to pick up and drop offs, will try to inconvenience the mom any chance they can especially on her holidays and if she says ANYTHING in the slightest way he goes off on her and tells the child his moth is a B and that the stepfather is a "control freak". It's like REVERSE parental alienation accusation because he wants full custody and we won't even talk about how much he resents child support. Hardly ever pays and when he does it's never the court ordered amount but she can't complain or she gets raged at and told that she is "PATHETIC". I am at a point to where I actually hope he takes us to court for something stupid again so it can all just be fixed.
The child is reluctant towards the father because of the anger and bad mouthing others he loves and then the Mom gets called and accuses of parental alienation because he will NOT accept that he is driving the child away. Then he wants to take the child to his friend who is a counsellor telling him that HE and the CHILD need counselling to "help" their relationship as if it's the child's fault. We do take your advice by focusing on OUR home and his time with us but the adult false accusations hate and bitterness from the other side gets old. Just because a parent doesn't get their non court ordered way doesn't mean they are being alientated.
I hear you, I hope things turn around. It sounds like your son understands what is going on.
Thanks 🙏 for this , God bless you.
You are so welcome
I'm going through this right now so thankyou very much for this incredible video
Sorry you have to go through this. Love them no matter what...
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thankyou so much for your reply and of course I do it's not their fault and this video is so helpful to help deal with what's going to come my way.
Fantastic advice .. thank you 🙏
Honored to be on your team.
I created a channel on parental alienation, narcissism, domestic violence, divorce, mental health awareness, my own story and speaking on social and human rights topics.
I think it’s important that all of us that battle these issues RISE up and advocate for ourselves and help others.
You can be a great support to others going through this crisis.
Thank you
You're welcome
I know from personal experience that the advise provided in this video is both practical and when implemented can be very effective in fostering s positive, loving and long lasting relationship with your children. It's far better to invest energy in creating a peaceful and stable home environment than battling the injustice of parent alienation in the courts. That's not to suggest that a legal approach is wrong, just that it takes a long time, can escalate the alienating parent behaviours and impacts on the children. In my situation, success in the courts came 8 years after i was able to disengage from the "fight" and create a positive and loving home environment for the children. Today, I am blessed with loving and close relationships with all 3 of my now adult children. I know that the children each experienced many losses connected to parent alienation, - I couldn't fully protect them from it but I could and did give them the best relation ship with me that I could. That never would have happened if I engaged in the fight and got distracted from the commitment I made as a parent when each of the children were born.
Bravo for proving such sound and practical advise!!
Thank you, Peter. I am glad things have worked out for you.
Thank you for the advice . I m about to finalize a painful divorce . My ex has custody of the 2 kids 5 and 11 . Though the court gave me right to take and see them ,he said he wont allow me . He wont allow any form of contact .He threatened me to harm me and harm himself as a result the kids will grow up lonely . I was afraid and I simply try to do what he asked . Though my kids want to talk to me and the youngest one wants to see me . Im deeply sad . I simply wanted them to have a good relation with both of us but he refuses this . Worse they are moving abroad . Im so desperate .I try to be kind and do not fight just for the kids sake . Hoping their wounded father will stand up and think about the kids psycological health but seems he can not make any empathy.
So sad, he doesn't understand what he is doing in the long run to the kids. If you are court ordered, you can call the police to have it enforced.
Thank you for this video.. Is all I can say!!!! Flip, it gets so hard sometimes.
You can do it!
My wife is doing this as I watch this. It breaks my heart that my own daughter is being nasty to me. I love her and. Want to spend quality time with her. I seriously think it should be against the law. My “wife” (technically we’re still married) plotted to hard against me my daughter hasn’t seen my parents in a year. No Christmas, Easter, or any visits.
Hopefully this can be addressed in the parenting plan so relatives have a chance to be with your daughter on some holidays.
Amazing thanks you.
Thank you too!
My oldest son is 27 and now I am alienated as the residual damage of narcissistic abuse from his step father. How to repair? Can you speak about parental alienation for adult children?
Rachel Hope, let him know that you love him and want to have a relationship. Listen to him when he finally does talk and understand that you need to respect his wishes if you are to have any type of relationship. We can consider this for a video.
Great advice
Thank you, Ariel.
While parental alienation as a behavior does in fact occur in many instances, it's important to remember that parental alienation is only that; behavior. Parental alienation as a disorder or syndrome is not scientifically supported. There is a reason why it is not in the DSM or ICD. It's been rejected numerous times as an actual psychological diagnosis. Parents absolutely do horrible things and play games with their children's lives during divorce settlements and that's horrible. These behaviors harm the children more than anybody else. In these instances, due diligence must be done when claims are made about another parent, especially when those claims involve abuse.
Unfortunately, because of the widespread acceptance of the claims made regarding parental alienation by the legal community, oftentimes those claims can be used as a way to defend against genuinely bad behavior by one parent. In those cases, claims of abuse aren't fully investigated and even sometimes when they are substantiated, the courts bias ends up placing children in the homes of their abusers. This is where I think the biggest challenge is. Who is lying and who's telling the truth? For a lot of these children, it's literally a life-or-death determination.
In family court cases where one parent alleged either physical or sexual abuse and the other parent claimed alienation, the parent alleging abuse was only sided with 18% of the time, and in many many instances those children were forced to go live full-time with their abuser.
There are two sides to this coin. Look at a recent case in California and which a man, Thomas Winenger, was accused of sexually abusing his step son during divorce proceedings. Department of child services actually did substantiate a lot of the child's claims, but Thomas claims parental alienation on the moms part and was awarded full custody of the children and mom was banned from even visiting or contacting her children for over 90 days. The children were forced to go to some re-education training with their step father. Shortly after, the mother found a bunch of CP and nude / lewd photos and videos of her own children and ex-husband.
Parental alienation lead to children being told that their mother who is protecting them was there true abuser and that their father who molested them was merely a victim.
I'm not saying that parental alienation seldom happens. It does. And as clinicians, we should be able to recognize the patterns and behaviors associated with parental alienation. However, the harm that can come from ignoring claims of abuse can be far more damaging, and in some cases even life-threatening.
I'll say it again, "parental alienation syndrome" is not a thing. It's not a medical term, it doesn't exist in clinical or diagnostic language, it's not a proven psychological syndrome or disorder. The "science" behind it is anecdotal and doesn't pass muster from an evidentiary standpoint. Parental alienation as a set of behaviors, however, is very real, I appreciate you sharing your experience with it.
Thank you for explaining everything. They are behaviors that are often done because of some other mental illness not being addressed.
Thank u so much
You are welcome.
And what happens if you are falsely being accused of parent alienation?
Nick Michelle, if someone is falsely accusing you of parental alienation, that is out of your control. Get clear on what you do control: the way you parent your children, as well as what you say about the other parent. Be careful to not convey anything negative, even down to facial expressions when the child is talking about the other parent. If you must converse with the other parent, do so in a pleasant way. All those are within your control. Thank you for watching.
Live On Purpose TV thank you for responding. I’ve been doing that but it hurts me that the other parent is lying about it .
@@nickeybaby1985 from a broken home, my mom raised 3 kids, not a penny of child support, she had to work every hour of overtime she could, to barely make ends meet. She Never said a harsh word about our dad. NEVER! She let us decide what we thought of the situation, and she let us have our own feelings, and would hug us and comfort us when we were having a hard time understanding why our dad left us for another family and didn’t want anything to do with us. She would just Love us harder. What a strong Mother to never say a bad word against him. Kids will open their eyes and decide their truth on their own....most of the time. We all of course ended up with abandonment issues, but would walk through fire for our precious mother who gave us more love than our father ever could. Still as adults, none of us can understand why our dad divorced us along with our mother, and we all spent many years basically on the verge of hating him for how we were treated ..A thin line between love and hate....as if we were never born..And she would pray for us, that our hearts wouldn’t grow cold toward our dad, and that God would help us through our hurt....as he paraded his new family all around....But we all learned ,What not to be, from him. And ...what to be, from our Loving caring Mom. As adults, we had questions that we needed answered. We would ask our mom. She would then tell us...the parts that we were fuzzy on as kids. Still to this day, she doesn’t say mean things about him. Even with him abandoning us, we still had love for him...it’s why we had such a hard time understanding why he wanted nothing to do with us. Our mom knew this...we still loved him in our own way...and she didn’t want to take that away from us in anyway. She didn’t lie to us as kids, but she would word her answers to us, lovingly, things like...I am sorry your are hurting right now.If I could make it better, I would.....as she held us close and wiped away our tears...We would ask why he left and got a new family. She would hug us and say things like...Sometimes grownups fall out of love with each other but they never stop loving their kids, he is just alittle lost right now, so give him time. Or...my dad didn’t even send me a birthday card...she would say, honey you know daddy is not good with dates...I’m sure he will think of you as soon as he realizes it was your birthday. Never a harsh word against him, although she probably wanted to secretly hurt him for all the tears and hurt he caused us. Lol. Long story...I know. Hope it helps. I think his video was great....always take the high ground, don’t put your hurt feelings onto the kids. Don’t lie to the kids, but don’t trash the other parent to the kids. When they become grownups and start asking questions, answer them...but still don’t bash the other parent. And push back your feelings and use a soft loving tone.
@@nickeybaby1985 God bless your family and your mother....
bro ive done it without knowing it .....im far ahead of my ex and her narcissistic behaviour always been an olive branch and i know it isnt forever complex situation
I wish you the best.
With my X Mother in laws interference my marriage was destroyed after my son was born 2014. She threatened my wife who loved me of abandonment if she didn't come back to her and bring her our son.
Doing everything I knew how I carefully and lovingly tried to win her back but lost.
It became so toxic with her mother they now both want me dead. Forced to divorce my wife to stop them from fleeing I got some custody.
Their Contempts of Court withholding him was denied to be heard in court by the attorney hired to present them 2018. 2020 the Toxicity lead to cancer. As I fight for my life they've withheld him for over 410 days. My calls to speak to him are denied. Currently disabled i can't pay the courts ransom to get him back. Having to buy my son's freedom?... why😔
I am so sorry. I hope you can reconnect. Always hold out hope.
@Live On Purpose TV
I always have.
Thank you❤️
I recently released A video about that very thing.
It's titled...
Stay The Course 101
Thanks for all you do💚
In many cases the kids are so manipulated that they will not even go to the alienated parent house anymore. To the question "why don't you want to come?", they answer "you know why". The other parent doesn't even know what the poor child is talking about.
Just sad.
thanks
You're welcome, Ifrah Abdi. Thanks for watching.
Great advice but what if it’s so severe your teenage child has cut off ALL communication it’s impossible
Be open and when possible, let the child know that. Always have hope.
Hi Dr Paul
Really just want to say thank you for your work and kind approach. Must say it has really helped me as this is going to be my first Xmas without seeing my 15 year old daughter since she was born thanks to a controlling and manipulating mother.
Anyway wishing you a merry Xmas and ATB for the new year
Thanks again
Regards
Brad
You are very welcome, I am sad you won't be seeing your daughter. That hurts. I hope you can get things worked out before next Christmas.
Thank you and thank you for putting in the effort to reply.
It’s actually means alot.
God bless you !
Your a good man
Amazing advice, if parents are living together, how can prevent the parent alienation. Please provide some tips on this topic as well
Faiza Shireen, usually they aren't living together. Don't pressure the child or speak badly of the other parent, be supportive of the child and they will learn who to trust as they get older.
This sounds like a bunch of kaka! The one I allowed to have time with the narcissist parent is damaged but the one I didn’t is well rounded. The narcissist spitefully disappoint and stood up the one child to spite me. Eventually I had to quit the effort cold turkey bc the child was losing his mind.
ohNO Youdint, Thank you for watching. Alienation is difficult for all involved.
The most difficult bait is when my ex husband uses his new wife to harass me. It's terrible when 20 years of your intimate feelings are shared with the new wife and then she uses the information to bully me. I have had to block her on every angle. Flying Monkey Madness
Sounds like a good idea to block them. They don't need to be your friend and have access to you. Glad you know it is o.k. to say no.
this one is the best wordss
Thank you.
i was railroaded through the court system. all they cared about was how much child support and i should not be in the picture put a clamp on my money and wouldnt give me visits yet i raised these kids .. talked bad about me to my kids .father put them around a sex offender. and i haven't seen my them in 10 years . parental alienation should be a felony.
Agreed.
It's hopeless. If this is happening to your kids, let em go. It's over
Motivation Cats, it can seem that way. Don't ever give up hope.
keep up the good work sir 😊😊
Thank you, I will
How does the parent that doesn't have primary custody apply consequences for wrong behavior, when the other parent basically allows them to rule their house. For example, they don't want to visit the whole weekend with Dad. Mom tells them they don't have to go with Dad for that one day. Dad enforces visits and now they dislike him for enforcement.
Susan Craigo, you can't control another persons behavior. You can sympathize and listen to your kids as they voice their feelings, but this is something you simply don't control.
sometimes they want to punish you for rejecting them and they do it by weaponizing your kids
I can see how that could happen.
The problem now is people just want to throw people away. Grown ups need to learn how to communicate and stop throwing away people. It easier to throw in the towel.
Agreed. We need to strengthen and nurture our 7 Key Realtionships.
What if I followed these tips and having created the stable loving open communicative Environment possible that my child doesn't want to leave it and go back to his mother's? Very emotional and screams going back?
sinmayp, If you can talk to her, reassure her that her mother loves her also and you will always be here for her.
So in 2005 my now ex-husband won custody of our three daughters by having more $, finding a cut throat attorney and me just being nieve to the entire process was blind sided by what happened and him getting custody of our children. Slowly over the years he figured out how to not have me involved in their lives or let me talk to them on the phone or see them. I didn't have 25,000 dollars to fight him in court and so me and my children suffered. Fast forward to today where all 3 of them want nothing to do with me still and it breaks my heart as much as it did back then . Its bullshit and it needs to stop
I am so sorry. Always have hope and let them know you will always be there when they are ready to talk.
Hello! Can you refer an attorney in Minneapolis that is aware and savvy in the practice areas & issues within this video,?
I am not familiar with any attorneys in Minneapolis, sorry.
All I say is you reap what you sow.
L C, very true. This one is difficult to play the long game at since our kids don't stay kids.
My daughter is 26 and still doesnt see through it. My question is, is there ever a time when you speak your truth? Tell the whole story that you have kept bottled up because telling it was inappropriate? I was a victim, and this is all a game to him.
If you decide to talk to her, tell the story about yourself, your feelings, etc, don't bad mouth her father even now. Ask her if she is willing to talk and let her decide when.
The ending is a home run!
Thank you. Great to have you here at the channel, Chip.
It's been nearly 7 months since my son don t want to come to me or spend time together. Nothing. When asked why his only answer is "i don t want to". I do have a child agreement in place but my ex just ignores it. She think she can do everything she wants. I had no contact whatsoever for days,until she decided that i can call him on his phone.He is only 8. I had to get a solicitor in this matter but this things take a lot of time. I know they will work out,but i m worring what will l need to do after, to make sure that he is not affected emotionally and physically? Did anyone else experienced same issue? Take care you all!!!
Liviu Telearca, just let him know you are there for him, no matter what and even if. Every time you see him, let him know that. It will sink in.
I’m a targeted parent. I haven’t seen my child in 5 years. My ex husband is actually in contempt of court.
I am so sorry. I hope the situation turns around in your favor soon.
going thru this, it’s so awful:(
Clover Bee, yes, it is. I hope things work out for you.
What to do when the alienation has happened with kids in a setting where custody is no longer an issue. My two oldest daughters are alienated but now ages 31 and 29. Their younger sibs were not sucked into it. Most amazing of all is one of the older daughters is an attorney so should be able to spot what's going on. But I "get it" that they are put into a situation where having anything to do with the one parent is looked at by the other parent as disloyalty. What if anything can help? (Besides not returning fire)
NTChurchof Freethought, do not return fire if you seek a relationship with these children. Model for them the type of relationship you want and let them know that you will be there for them. Always speak fondly of them and it will get back to them through others. Let them know that you are in it for the long-haul and when they are ready, you will be able to talk. Sometimes it takes a while to have the life experience that teaches them there is another side to the story in a personal way.
Can someone please give an example of how parental alienation backfires??
When the child grows up and realizes that what they have been told is not true, the other parent is not a monster.
I’m waiting seven years for it to back fire. Sir,are you familiar with the term “silver bullet”. If the alienator can get the child to believe they were sexually abused, you as the parent are done!!! The child believes they were sexually abused, you the parent, will go to jail!!!
I say fight back with everything in your means.
How can I frame conversations with my children about past parental alienation and actually get healthy results
It gets tricky talking to children about parental alienation because that is an adult subject. Keep discussions on their developmental level and relevant to them.
I didn’t take the bate. I did not say anything negative about my ex - in spite of the lack of boundaries on his part. I would avoid the questions or fighting when he would schedule activities during time I planned other activities or couldn’t plan other activities. I have done all that I could to invite my adult children into my home and into my life. No matter what I have done or not done. This doesn’t work.
Connie Gibson, I am so sorry you don't have the relationship you want with your children yet. Don't give up and let them know you will always be there and love them.
Is the mother not answering calls or text ignoring about asking about what doctor child goes too blocking me from childs phone and threatening to tell child another guy is childs father strong enough for alienation case? I submitted custody papers over 2 years ago she keeps hidibg from sheriff ignoring certified mail etc owns nothing hiding in bf apt. Also i had to drive 1.5 hr and bring birth ceritficate to school the mother changed her too without notifiyijg me and listed theres no father.
It is very frustrating but your child is worth all your effort.
I’m dealing with severe parental alienation. How do you deal with wanting your children to have proper perspective for themselves in the future and for the sake of our relationship going forward and not pushing adult concepts out of timeliness and/or making the other parent be the “bad guy” therefor making my boys believe half of them is potentially bad. even worse I’m positive she is subverting their opinion of me currently. Subsequently in the pre mentioned scenario making them have conflict with both sides of who they are.
You kept saying it’s not my job to make them realize anything, but then how do they gain the proper perspectives going forward so they can be happy and stable and not be doomed to repeat their experiences.
Shane Reyburn, thank you for watching and trying to understand. There are several questions here, so I'll answer as best I can, and then will point you in the direction of additional videos for more thorough answers. First, remember what you control. There is a lot out of your control and focusing on that does no good. While your children are with you, do what you can, teach what you can, express and show them unconditional love, and don't forget appropriate discipline. That is all within your control. You don't necessarily need to mention the other parent; if a conflicting issue comes up you can calmly say something like, "In this house we..." or "It's okay to do things differently here," etc. You are not attacking the other parent, simply focusing on what is done in your home. A way to counter-act her subverting their opinion of you is to be a provider of good times and good things. They will form their own opinion based on experience. Your job is not to make sure that your children ... anything, because you can't. You can try, but that usually leads to a lot of frustration and exhaustion. Your job is to love your children - because that is something you CAN do. Out of your love for them, you will try to protect them, try to teach them, feed them healthy food, help them with homework, etc., yet you cannot force them do anything. I hope this makes sense. If you haven't seen these already, I recommend them:
"Four Tips On How To Raise A Child With Self-Confidence" - ruclips.net/video/85kN99FxF94/видео.html
"How To Boost Your Child's Confidence" - ruclips.net/video/XedVSyL8-iw/видео.html
"Co-parenting Tips For Divorced Parents" - ruclips.net/video/wFIvzGrdQCs/видео.html
"How To Be A Better Co Parent" - ruclips.net/video/Sq8WiFusCAM/видео.html
"How To Keep My Family Happy" - ruclips.net/video/nyY9UgiFylU/видео.html
Have you done a video on what to do if your teenager refuses to visit or call his mother? Is it just to be patient? My ex is a lawyer with his own law firm and I can't afford legal fees.
Heather Hawkins, no, I have not done a video on that specific topic, be patient and let him know you are there when he is ready.
I took this approach and I still don't see my grandson's. The campaign against me started in 2005.
I am sorry, Kim Parke. I hope it changes for you one day.
So what do you do when the kids are screaming at you after they get off the phone with the other parent that they hate you and don’t want to live with you?
Dave Woods, I would be understanding and ask for some clarification and empathize that they are in a tough situation and you want to do whatever you can to make them more comfortable and help them to deal with what is happening.
100% correct on the system!!! 100%!!! You’re right! The system is not the place to figure out family situations but you say we NEED them.
You’re right on bait. The bait is a narcissistic behavioral trait. I’m studying on all of this right now. It’s important good stuff. Respond not react. 100%!
I have a channel where I’m advocating on social and human rights matters. It’s important for all of us that face this to do this.
This was a really good video! ♥️🙏
Thank you, Ginny, good luck with your channel, such an important topic.