I grew up with zero boundaries. My dad used to volunteer my mom, my brother, and myself for different jobs for people in our community and it used to make me so angry but I’d do it because I didn’t want Mr. Jones to think I was a jerk. This happened my whole life. I got into counseling and I learned what boundaries are and how to put them in place. I’m so thankful that I did.
My dad was a narcissistic ass, growing up. I can relate. I was often very shy. He would volunteer me to help out... without the other people being able to ask. Even when I did not want to do something & he knew it. He still would act as if I volunteer to do so. The last 2 yrs or so I've really learned to say NO alot more.
@@bill4632 good for you! ‘No’ can be a complete sentence. I know from experience how rough it is to learn to tell people no. We have every right to, though.
My father mostly had me doing things for him, his responsibilities toward grandma, my brother, my sick mother. I have heard him say, that he did something when in reality I had done it because he told me to or because he manipulated the situation so that I would do it. Perceiving other people as extensions of themselves is what narcissists do.
I'm almost 40, and I just recently learned what it means to set boundaries. And even now knowing, I still struggle setting them. I was never taught by the people around me what boundaries are. In fact, I was basically taught my whole life not to have them. I'm the youngest in my family - I was never allowed to have an opinion on anything, because "what do I know". Now that I try to set boundaries with family and friends (all the people who've known me my whole life) - I'm told I'm crazy, sensitive & so on when I let them know something they said or did was not okay with me. This is why I still struggle on setting them even with new people I meet. I have the fear of being called such names and not liked.
Definitely! As the youngest I keep getting « explained » things - even when I literally work in that field! And I still haven’t learned to set boundaries - I get flustered and annoyed and end up lashing out instead of just stopping that.
I know what it feels to get attacked when trying to set boundaries after a long time of accepting whatever is said or done but if someone is telling you that you're too sensitive or refusing your feelings about something or telling you what feeling you have or should have i don't think is right you may search for videos for kati about dpt to help you understand your feelings and how to deal with them in a healthy way but with them in consideration because feelings are important and must be respected and treated in right ways
I felt this deeply. I’ve also struggled setting boundaries, and I’m in my mid-30s. I need to work on it. I have a fear of rejection and people not liking me as well. You definitely aren’t alone with this struggle! Keep your head up! We can do this!
Signs of poor boundary 1. Really hard to make decision(dont know what is right) 2.saying No makes you feel selfish 3. U apologize a lot( for things u didnt do to make people feel comfy) 4. We dont know right amount to share with others(overshare or dont share at all) 5.we act out passive agressively(bc of lack of communicating feelings) 6.struggling to know who u r bc u prioritize others needs first(in new rln, parents feel with child) 7.cant tolerate others not liking us 8. 7:36 we feel resentful alot of time(feel taken advantage of bc we let so) 9. 8:57 we feel tired a lot of time.(bc of doing a lot for others, not caring for self, prioritize others) 10. 9:42 Difficult rln Why we struggle with setting boundary 1.Fear of pushing people away 2.past trauma 3.we accepted what our parents were doing(no boundary)
This is my first time commenting, I tend to lurk in the background LOL, but I just wanted to thank you and say how much I appreciate your clarity on such important topics AND that generally your videos are brief and to the point making it much easier to focus all the way through.
I am so glad you find the videos helpful and easy to focus all the way through!! xoxo Thanks for coming out of the background and deciding to leave a comment :) Happy holidays!!! xoxo
There's an extra " at the end of the URL :P Looking good Kati, hope things are going well! Setting healthy boundaries (where possible lol) has been helping my recovery tremendously. It's crazy how much mental load and anxiety it relieves when you have them
I really relate to that guilt thing. Kati please would you do a video on constant criticisms and accusations from family and what to do when it makes you not want to be around anymore and there's nobody to talk to when it happens? What do you do if journaling doesn't feel helpful? How do you build yourself back up and feel better?
Sometimes you have to just set massive boundaries for family. You have to find a new family who is not toxic and keep very minimal contact with blood family.
Hi Kati, this video couldn’t come at a better time! I am currently struggling with speaking my own mind to friends and family members. I currently am in therapy and this is something that we have been working on for a while. Stop letting people hurt us or to walk all over us. Having a voice of our own. The problem that I am having is speaking my mind as kindly as I can. So when I do that, they disconnect from me. Not wanting to be around me or talk to me. Act as if I never existed. Then I turn it on myself and get really upset with myself for saying anything! Then i try to reach out to them to apologize for what I said, and they ignore my texts and phone calls. I am really struggling with this. If you could maybe give me some insight on this, I would greatly appreciate it!! Happy holidays 😊
I can relate. I've been able to stand up for myself more. I had people walk over me alot. Kati has helped me a good deal. Plus the channel "Therapy in a nutshell". She has also helped me with boundary issues.
I can tell how terrifying that feels when people disconnect from us just because we try to express ourselves.. Sincerely i just move on because I know there's someone out there that can look right to your face and tell you i agree🤗 and I understand you better... Sometimes in life it's best to let situations flow pass you regardless of what it is literally in such perspective as pertains to your messages. Life's short! Ya know 😁
This is so me and I had no idea: 1) I find it very hard to make decisions... I thought it meant I was a perfectionist. 2) I find it very hard to say No. I do feel selfish if I say No, 3) I am always saying I am sorry for things I didn't even participate in, I do feel like I am always sin the way and just take up space. 4) I usually always overshare. I guess I don't know where I stop and others begin, 5) I have recently been accused of being Passive Aggressive. I thought PA was being conniving,. People who act out PA are unable to, or struggle to communicate their upsets, frustrations, hurts or expectations. I am guilting of this and have been accused of being conniving. 6) Put others first? Sometimes I do this. 7) I certainly can't tolerate anyone not liking me. Yes I need a lot of affirmation. I have an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. 8) I do feel resentful. And just realized it is because others have better boundaries, 9) I feel tired a lot. 10) All my relationships are difficult and explosive. Why do I struggle with boundaries? 1) attachment issues, Mom was not there consist for me. someone will finally love me. 2) past trauma and abuse. Mom harmed and overstep natural boundaries which caused me not to understand boundaries. 3) I saw my parents (observed) my parents in unhealthy way and I accepted what they were doing was correct.
I think I just wanna not be around people to make it easier lol. It’s exhausting especially once people expect you to always put them first aka our family or romantic partners. I’ve grown so much overtime but it doesn’t always feel like enough still
I have these personality traits and it makes having friends really hard. People seem to want to be around people that are self assured, independent, free-thinking and have a consistent personality that makes it easy to relate to them and know who they are. When you are a social chameleon, people-pleaser and struggle with identity.. people can sense it and it makes them confused about who you really are and how to relate to you. It’s really tough!
Thank you for this video 💛 The past year has been huge for me in terms of setting boundaries. It is so hard to start setting boundaries when there were none before. My family had a hard time with this as they took this as them being left behind or I didn’t care. But they see how much calmer I am so they are starting to understand a little 😅
Speaking generally and not just with relationships, one of my challenges as a person with a disability is knowing when or how often I can change my mind. For example if I am walking somewhere and it looks like I am struggling, somebody might come up to me and ask do you need help. In the moment I could say no, or no thank you I can do this myself. And they would ask, are you sure? And then, I have to second-guess. Am I really sure? What if we are going along and I run into an obstacle and then suddenly have to ask them actually you know back there when you asked me if I needed help, could you help me now? And then what does that help look like? How much am I willing to let that person in and when do I say enough is enough and when do I become patient versus frustrated and how do I master my feelings as I am doing all of that? It’s a daily thing that I have to constantly consider in order to take charge of my life.
Another great video👏🏾. Being people pleasers can leave you exhausted. This cycle gets worse as people soon will expect you to always say yes. Boundaries are key♥️
It really hit home when you said you learned saying sorry was manipulation to assuage your own anxiety...... I very much did that in the past, now I understand why my sorry's did not feel like they were to please someone, now I realize why , it was really for me.
I’ve been to a number of therapists and worked through several things, but this might be one of the core issues that’s gone largely unaddressed. I absolutely exhibit 8 out of the 10 signs, and maybe one other. Thank you for presenting this. It’s given me a new area to work on.
Yes, I struggle with boundaries, I don’t want to offend anyone so I just say what ever. It’s like avoiding possible confrontation or perceived confrontation. This has been most of my life.
Totally.. we can worry that us saying no will upset someone else. I promise you that people who care about you and who you have real relationships with will be fine with you saying no sometimes or not being available. xoxo
Such tough stuff 😢 Thank you for this. I’m not getting much help from therapy although I really like my therapist. It’s health plan offered (costs a lot but that’s not the issue). We get so little time! 😢 And I get more help reading. I don’t know what to do but I’m thinking about going back to self help. 🤷♀️ Wish me well! 💞
Superb breakdown of struggles creating boundaries! You hit the nail right on the head with this video. Signs #3, 7, and 8 apply to me the most as I find myself apologizing for things alot when the apology isn't really necessary, along with holding a deep rooted resentment for whoever it was that has taken advantage of me in the past. As far as sign #7 goes, I had a friend some year back that I was afraid would end their friendship with me so I tried my best do whatever it was to please them and make them happy.
바운더리 문제를 겪는 사람의 원인을 외부환경에서만 찾고 그들이 어딘가 잘못된 것처럼 설명하시는군요. 그저 우호성이 높은 기질로 태어난 것일 수 있다고 생각합니다. 내 기질을 알고 얼마나 조절하느냐의 문제이지요. 강박적으로 선택의 여지없이 서포터로 행동하는게 아닌 내 선택에 의해 서포터로 행동하기를 바라고 있습니다.
Yes.. because of our fear of abandonment. It can make boundaries really hard, but it can actually be soothing to have them in place. Helps us stay regulated more easily. xoxo
Great video Kati! #7 can't tolerate others not liking us. I didn't know it was a boundary issue. I have it to different degrees, from...I don't care if so and so does not like me to ...what did I do wrong that the other person does not like me. What to do to change this situation and have better boundaries?
Hopefully you can do more videos on boundaries because I can’t afford the workshop. I had a friendship were my friend insisted on not ever telling a sexual joke or making a sexual comment was keeping her boundaries but she never thought about my feelings that this was normal adult behavior. This probably was my fault for being friends with someone very religious. I felt like she used boundaries to control me or the relationship. I been stump on how I bring the worst out in her. I suspect she is dealing with her own baggage and it honestly has nothing to do with my actual behavior. My question is is it normal for friends just to constantly give advice or opinions? After Covid happened and our move to Texas I keep shutting down her opinions and advice because I wanted to do what was best for me and outside opinions were just making things worse.
Goddamn this hits like a truck. I don't struggle with all of these, but by far the majority resonated. The points about unclear self-identity and relationships being overly dramatic especially hit home for me currently. You'd think a lack of self-worth is only a personal problem, but it ends up hurting the people close to you as well if you're not careful.
I have ASD and I see myself in most of these signs. I'm married for 14 years now and communication is a huge part that doesn't work well even after all those years. I guess I'm not able to express my needs and my fears or someone teach me how to communicate properly.
I was shocked during the lockdown because I didn’t realize how much my family of origin would do this one parent specifically because they would insist it must made me a walking target or a sucker. But my kindness is not weakness or gullible and it is a challenge to return to knowing that sometimes kindness is my strength.❤
I didn't know what boundaries were growing up because my mom took that away by volunteering us kids even to this day doing stuff without even asking if we're busy doing something else or unavailable but if I say I am unable she guilt trips me or if I"ask" her for help, it flips, she'd ask me to ask someone else to help me.
You are a blessing Kati. You are able to help people, who don't even know they need help. People who don't know they can have better healthier lives. There are results that won't ever be seen, but you are making our world a better place. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this video! I sometimes feel like "abused" or "very ashamed" after meeting specific people around me (usually people that are very dominant, too self-centered..). Thanks to this I finally realized what the problem is.
I’m 10 for 10….. but 2 specific things hit hard on me and I’m almost 30….. 1: the stat,ent and reasoning on the passive aggressiveness… it was so beautifully said becuase I KNOW I do it sometimes without realizing…and when it’s called out to me….I panic…I couldn’t explain MYSELF why I did it…but YES…that is why…. 2: damn the very end….the mention about parents and observations…. My mother and I have been so close it’s pretty much like you could say she was reading my text messages and had my door off the hinges without actually doing all that. And now the moment I even WANT any form of privacy it’s “you shared everything with me before!? This should be no different” I mean hell she even got c****ms for my first time at age 16 WHILE JUST UPSTAIRS! boundaries were NOT a thing…it never existed…. And still kinda doesn’t.
I struggle immensely with all of these being late realized neurodivergent. Boundaries are such an abstract concept to me, but these videos are really helpful.
First times I've set boundaries it didn't go well. I can withdraw when people violate those boundaries but their reaction can be off the charts, saying I'm crazy and need help and they pity me etc. You have to brace yourself for that.
This piece is a significant accomplishment; akin to a book that was a milestone in thematic exploration. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thanks for doing this video.. so important subject! My brother continually disrespects my boundaries. He calls me a lot during the week. He never waits for me to call him back. He has a disability and he has an impulse to call people all the time. I think this is a reassurance thing (maybe OCD and co-dependency). I have placed a boundary up and explained why i don't want him calling so many times. I did manage to get him to only call on weekends but then it's a cycle and he reverts back to calling a lot again during the week. (These calls are not emergencies and they are just the same questions) I am becoming to resent him and I feel guilty for this. Any advise from any one i would appreciate. Thanks
Does anyone have any advice on how to learn dealing with boundaries in terms of professional boundaries and boundaries with strangers that you might want to befriend or date? I just don't get it. Professional, in my experience, is code for "my patriarchal cishet white able-bodied and neurotypical personal talk is okay, but everything deviating from that is too personal". Same with getting to know people, it always feels like "my arbitrary boundaries are okay, yours are not".
Hey, it's me, the over-apologizer :))) it's really, really hard to stop when you've been blamed for so many things you didn't do your whole childhood into early adulthood
I had to set boundaries with my friend who always wants money. Also with a friend who phones and messages too much People who always want you to do stuff you wouldn’t mind babysitting would you
I have been really struggling the last few weeks and I now fear I am entering a depression. I have spent the last 24 hours mostly crying and feeling completely distraught. I am processing a lot from what feels like years of my life, and it's been overwhelming. Your videos are of great comfort to me right now, so thank you. I am in counselling, but the accessibility of your videos is so greatly appreciated.
How do I enforce healthy boundaries in a relationship when they refuse to change their behavior? For example, my girlfriend has a habit of slapping me when I do or say something she doesn't like, usually on the arm or shoulder but sometimes in the face. It's not hard enough to warrant calling the police, but it does hurt, and it doesn't feel pleasant. I've told her over and over, "babe, don't slap me like that. That's not acceptable, I don't care if you don't like that, don't slap me." But she just doesn't stop. Is it really worth leaving over?
I’m working on this in therapy. I am passive aggressive. I don’t like being direct because if that person responds to that by giving me what I directly asked for, I don’t like how I feel when I receive it. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like it’s not genuine, And I kind of feel gross internally.
Could you do a video on any biases that therapists might hold and why so many diagnoses of patients are incorrect? I belong to several Autism subreddits and it’s crazy how many of these individuals get diagnosed with things like OCD, SAD, BPD, etc before Autism. Doesn’t this create distrust between a patient and their practitioners if the practitioner can’t even get it correct? I totally understand how practitioners are humans too but it seems like they approach their diagnoses with “this is what it must be therefore we will start treatment for this immediately” rather than at least addressing that while the patient fits the criteria for a specific disorder, there’s still a chance the diagnosis could be something else?
My boundaries are set like the iron curtain. Nobody is allowed to cross into them. I keep everyone at a well defined, healthy, distance from me. The last thing I want is, an invader in my life. I tried the social game twice. Both attempts ended in pain. There will be no third try. By boarders are impenetrable! I require no friends nor a girlfriend such as most exist today. I rather be alone.
Wow! I can check each of the boxes. I have been a person without boundaries. Thank you so much for helping me to see that. I feel empowered to be a better version of myself. Keep making videos!💖
I just hate being around most people. I feel them draining me when they open their mouths. I was in the hospital waiting room last week, and this guy in the front row of seats kept looking back at us on the row behind, scanning us, looking for an opening to talk - he reminded me of a predator. He'd go on and on about pointless mundane things, it was amazing how much he could open his mouth and make word salad over the smallest little things. He talked about a flight he had to Australia where nothing out of the ordinary happened - for about half an hour. He never gave an opening for anyone one else to speak. The woman next to me would laugh nervously sometimes and he took that as encouragement. We both stopped making eye contact - I stared at my feet, and then the woman next to me started talking to her daughter next to her, and he just kept on going. Eventually he moved seats across the room and started again talking very basic everyday CNN facts about the Iraq war.
Not related to the video but how to cope with becoming intimate with someone if you struggle with s3lfh4rm? In my case the other person is quite comprehensive but it’s still a difficult situation for me sometimes
I hate feeling this way. When I say no I am told that I am selfish, I hate that they manipulate me into thinking I am the worst. They use one instance to say I never help. I am working, studying and I have relationships that drain me….
I really don't know what a healthy amount of sharing stuff is. I wish to feel save with people and (don't know if its the right english word:) to feel "hold" by someone.. on the other hand I tend to feel like the other person has to "save" me because I can't hold myself, I feel overwhelmed, helpless... I think observing myself last year it happend less that I was like this but at the same time I am struggeling more to share inner stuff I would like to not be alone with..
i realise now i grew up with no boundaries and it’s because i grew up as the eldest daughter expected to do everything around the house no matter what time, or what’s going on in MY life . I now have low self esteem bc everytime i did something i would constantly get criticism from my dad. both of these things make me a huge people pleaser.. i’m going to change myself for the better.
This really hit hard because I am in a situation where if I decide to leave my roommates my roommate will hurt me. I am about to be homeless and I have a car that I rented in my name but all three of us will be sleeping in it this coming up first of January. I am at a standstill because I don't know what to do.
Great video, Thank you. I resonated with the 'copy what we see' reason for struggling with boundaries as being autistic and having my lower- than- average attachment needs personality I literally learned by watching. Sometimes I watched and copied, mostly as I grew I watched and watched and watched, as many different people as I could, like a scientist before working out what I wanted to do. That approach did make me tired but it wasn't too bad as I did get to know myself well. The only problem remaining being that the general public didn't always respond to me and my boundaries & preferences in a way that kept me healthy and safe. I'm finally working on that piece of the puzzle having always know I can't control anyone else and also that I can't always Control myself either (change to save myself). Interesting times
Hi Kati and to anyone reading this. Hi. I just want to say, whenever I practice my boundaries, I am told that I am over sensitive, moody, verbally rude, selfish, calculative and uncooperative (at home most of the time). Those words bring me down so bad, it made me apologise, self-blame, self-hate, reflect on my actions, depressed and always thinking that I am the wrong one leading me to think that I should not even exist in this world because I am causing all the drama and unhappiness to them. One side of me is currently thinking, YES, I am problematic and I should just listen to others and do as I am told but another side of is saying NO! Don't listen to them and you'll be a slave forever to their needs. I'm confused. Just sharing this and I hope no one else in this whole wide world is experiencing this because it's awful. Also, just wondering, Kati, have you ever consulted or gave therapy to both the boundary setter and the one that refuse to acknowledge the boundary at one time? Isn't it one sided if only one of the person is consulted? Just me over thinking .. hahaha. Thank you for being here for us all the time. Have a nice day. Hugs.
@@sharsnow only you can answer that question. I'm an empath learning to tolerate a narcissist, Dr.les Carter is the guide who helped me. He's on RUclips.
Hey Kati! Long time listener, first time caller here. I have a simple but very thought-provoking question. I thought I would ask you this because I love the way you explain hard to grasp things for myself and others AND because this one is right up in your alley from when you got your first time experience. There's this "new" eating disorder that is being talked about and it is a nervosa, specifically "Orthorexia Nervosa." Sorry to get personal but I saw you had a video where you struggled with over-exercising in the past... so it kinda ties in with you too. Could you please do a video on this topic? I think it could benefit you and the community!
This was helpful in recognizing some behavior I need to consider and work on. The all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to trust and relationships is something I struggle with. Thank you so much for taking time to make this video and offer a workshop.
Been watching a lot of these RUclips videos over the last 2 years with interest. I am a software engineer of over 30 years specialising in AI and I think we could do some wonderful things for mental health if we joined the therapy/wellbeing groups with the software/AI groups. No one is talking about software for mental health, apps that run on phones for example and monitor mental health using well known triggers etc could help us fight this avalache of mental health issues we are all facing.
Good idea. You could investigaste about "biopotential", which are the measure used to model physiological behaviour. Maybe with a smart watch sensing your heart rate, sleep depravation, etc, you could do some AI for mental health.
This was very informative! I love videos like this. It helps me reflect personally on my boundary setting style and how I struggle with healthy boundaries.
I may be looking at this backwards, I feel over mindful of the boundaries of others, being over cautious (or totally avoiding) pointing out something is wrong , or giving compliment, or even heaven forbid flirting.
Kati, (and I'm not making accusations here), do you feel like YOU are a narcissist? I'm not painting you with that particular brush, but a lot of your points seem to indicate that you know that perspective quite well. Forgive me if I'm making assumptions. :(
so while doing stuff for ithers endlessly is one way this can show up, theres also the option that for self protection its actually the opposite - because i cant set boundaries, i hold back from doing ANYTHING for others. expectations of any sort are too much. so i only engage in contact with people where there are few expectations of me, and i reject as many as possible out of anxiety. Overall this video was eye opening. It describes basically all the incomprehensible issues me and my gf had (both!) in our relationship. It all makes sense now. That's insane.
After several consecutive years of therapy, I am more stressed out than I have ever been. Do any therapists know or care how stressful it is constantly walk a fine line about everything? Especially, when you still have to work and do all the other parts of life. I can hardly spend time with people because I am constantly worried about boundaries and healthy relationships and “being positive,” and “being authentic,” and all the other naggy little points therapists dish out. I am so lonely because I don’t know how to relate to anybody now. Every encounter is scary until I have a couple of beers. Which is destabilizing after three decades of extroversion and being happiest when interacting with others. This stress is not worth it. I’m going to terminate myself in 2023.
Perhaps this will sound strange since we haven’t met, but hear me out. I don’t know what your motivations are for sharing that you want to leave, but I’m hoping it’s because you want someone to care enough to ask you to stay. Please stay, Erin. I’m working on myself too, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have to believe I’m worth the effort in order to recognize and stop the negative self-talk in my head no one else can hear. Thank you for being brave and honest about sharing your frustration and desperation with strangers. I hope you write down how you are feeling right now and share with your therapist, you are worth the effort. I love you, and I’m glad you’re here.
@@erindabney2758 I think vogelfound made the reply I was hoping for. I thought putting the last statement first would lead with the what made me stop & talk to the beginning, not after somebody clicked in. I think suicides too passive aggressive, when you could just be more aggressive and stick in the problems throat,so to say. I am coupcoupfood.
I agree so much. After looking into social issues, I feel like literally everyone has problematic behaviours. But instead of people being honest about it and chill about talking about it, and working together to get better, it's a huge deal and everyone is shamed for things that are human. In psychology, I always feel like everything is labelled unhealthy. Psychology lacks a mechanism to look at its own problems. A lot of our issues, I think, are very much social issues. Lack of community is a big one. I personally have made a lot of progress on my own, without a therapist. I find that, because a therapist is a person that you interact with, when you have big trouble interacting with a therapist and knowing what you want out of therapy, some things can be quite hard to work out with your therapist when it's working with your therapist that is the problem to begin with. You need a person who really knows what they are doing for that. Not all therapists do.
Excellent video! I am learning about boundaries and the information presented was so helpful. The information about being resentful really resonated with me. I realized very recently that I was the one who caused this resentment by not having boundaries.Yes, a hard pill to swallow. Thank you Katie!
You asked at the end of the video, so I wanted to share that I see that maybe (unrecognized?) neurodivergence could be a big player here. Masking can show up as this people-pleasing behavior.
Hi Kati, I want to ask you what kind of Therapist are you? I love your videos so much by the way! I am also a big advocate on mental health! Thank You for all you do! :)
![FendiDa Rappa - Clock Dat ft. Shamar Marco [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/3NBU8KHdxYY/mqdefault.jpg)
"Do you ever find yourself apologising when you haven't done anything wrong?"
Well yes, of course, I'm British.
Terribly sorry.
@@james.sailors11 ok
I read this in a British accent... and it was hilarious! 😄 I was in tears after watching this video so thank you for lightening the moment for me.
For anyone reading this, please take my deep hearted apology for taking time out your day, for reading this text.
Canadians can relate, too! lol
Thank you for the much needed laugh. Hope you’re having a great day! 🙂
This didn't just hit home, it moved right in.
I was trying to find a way to communicate the way my brain felt understood and violated at the same time, and this works perfectly. 😂
I grew up with zero boundaries. My dad used to volunteer my mom, my brother, and myself for different jobs for people in our community and it used to make me so angry but I’d do it because I didn’t want Mr. Jones to think I was a jerk. This happened my whole life. I got into counseling and I learned what boundaries are and how to put them in place. I’m so thankful that I did.
Omg that would make me angry too!! I am so glad that you got into counseling and learned how to put boundaries in place :) xoxo
My dad was a narcissistic ass, growing up. I can relate. I was often very shy. He would volunteer me to help out... without the other people being able to ask. Even when I did not want to do something & he knew it. He still would act as if I volunteer to do so. The last 2 yrs or so I've really learned to say NO alot more.
@@bill4632 good for you! ‘No’ can be a complete sentence. I know from experience how rough it is to learn to tell people no. We have every right to, though.
My father mostly had me doing things for him, his responsibilities toward grandma, my brother, my sick mother. I have heard him say, that he did something when in reality I had done it because he told me to or because he manipulated the situation so that I would do it. Perceiving other people as extensions of themselves is what narcissists do.
I'm greving the loss of my gran and I got into myslef Athlone I'm kid with no money so I can't join your workshops Sarah he
P me😊
I'm almost 40, and I just recently learned what it means to set boundaries. And even now knowing, I still struggle setting them. I was never taught by the people around me what boundaries are. In fact, I was basically taught my whole life not to have them. I'm the youngest in my family - I was never allowed to have an opinion on anything, because "what do I know". Now that I try to set boundaries with family and friends (all the people who've known me my whole life) - I'm told I'm crazy, sensitive & so on when I let them know something they said or did was not okay with me. This is why I still struggle on setting them even with new people I meet. I have the fear of being called such names and not liked.
Definitely! As the youngest I keep getting « explained » things - even when I literally work in that field! And I still haven’t learned to set boundaries - I get flustered and annoyed and end up lashing out instead of just stopping that.
I know what it feels to get attacked when trying to set boundaries after a long time of accepting whatever is said or done but if someone is telling you that you're too sensitive or refusing your feelings about something or telling you what feeling you have or should have i don't think is right you may search for videos for kati about dpt to help you understand your feelings and how to deal with them in a healthy way but with them in consideration because feelings are important and must be respected and treated in right ways
@@mernafam353me too
I felt this deeply. I’ve also struggled setting boundaries, and I’m in my mid-30s. I need to work on it. I have a fear of rejection and people not liking me as well. You definitely aren’t alone with this struggle! Keep your head up! We can do this!
God how much I relate to you
Signs of poor boundary
1. Really hard to make decision(dont know what is right)
2.saying No makes you feel selfish
3. U apologize a lot( for things u didnt do to make people feel comfy)
4. We dont know right amount to share with others(overshare or dont share at all)
5.we act out passive agressively(bc of lack of communicating feelings)
6.struggling to know who u r bc u prioritize others needs first(in new rln, parents feel with child)
7.cant tolerate others not liking us
8. 7:36 we feel resentful alot of time(feel taken advantage of bc we let so)
9. 8:57 we feel tired a lot of time.(bc of doing a lot for others, not caring for self, prioritize others)
10. 9:42 Difficult rln
Why we struggle with setting boundary
1.Fear of pushing people away
2.past trauma
3.we accepted what our parents were doing(no boundary)
This is my first time commenting, I tend to lurk in the background LOL, but I just wanted to thank you and say how much I appreciate your clarity on such important topics AND that generally your videos are brief and to the point making it much easier to focus all the way through.
I am so glad you find the videos helpful and easy to focus all the way through!! xoxo Thanks for coming out of the background and deciding to leave a comment :) Happy holidays!!! xoxo
My Healthy Boundaries Workshop is coming very soon! Find out more and register here: katimorton.com/the-shop/p/healthy-boundaries
I would like to go to this workshop but need more time to save up for it. Will you do it again in april?
Just registered for this, I cannot wait!
I wish I could participate! I have work during the hours of the meetings. Will this be available as a pre-recorded event later? Thanks!
There's an extra " at the end of the URL :P Looking good Kati, hope things are going well! Setting healthy boundaries (where possible lol) has been helping my recovery tremendously. It's crazy how much mental load and anxiety it relieves when you have them
I really relate to that guilt thing. Kati please would you do a video on constant criticisms and accusations from family and what to do when it makes you not want to be around anymore and there's nobody to talk to when it happens? What do you do if journaling doesn't feel helpful? How do you build yourself back up and feel better?
Sometimes you have to just set massive boundaries for family. You have to find a new family who is not toxic and keep very minimal contact with blood family.
To say this hits home is an understatement. Thank you, Kati.
Of course.. I hope it helps. xoxo
Just started the coffee machine. What a great start to my day. Thank you Kati! Happy holidays ✨️
Same to you!
Hi Kati, this video couldn’t come at a better time! I am currently struggling with speaking my own mind to friends and family members. I currently am in therapy and this is something that we have been working on for a while. Stop letting people hurt us or to walk all over us. Having a voice of our own. The problem that I am having is speaking my mind as kindly as I can. So when I do that, they disconnect from me. Not wanting to be around me or talk to me. Act as if I never existed. Then I turn it on myself and get really upset with myself for saying anything! Then i try to reach out to them to apologize for what I said, and they ignore my texts and phone calls. I am really struggling with this. If you could maybe give me some insight on this, I would greatly appreciate it!! Happy holidays 😊
I can relate. I've been able to stand up for myself more. I had people walk over me alot. Kati has helped me a good deal. Plus the channel "Therapy in a nutshell". She has also helped me with boundary issues.
I can tell how terrifying that feels when people disconnect from us just because we try to express ourselves..
Sincerely i just move on because I know there's someone out there that can look right to your face and tell you i agree🤗 and I understand you better...
Sometimes in life it's best to let situations flow pass you regardless of what it is literally in such perspective as pertains to your messages.
Life's short! Ya know 😁
BOUNDARIES ARE VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS..❤❤ I 💯 AGREE
I'm in this video, and I don't like it. Sorry.
This is so me and I had no idea:
1) I find it very hard to make decisions... I thought it meant I was a perfectionist.
2) I find it very hard to say No. I do feel selfish if I say No,
3) I am always saying I am sorry for things I didn't even participate in, I do feel like I am always sin the way and just take up space.
4) I usually always overshare. I guess I don't know where I stop and others begin,
5) I have recently been accused of being Passive Aggressive. I thought PA was being conniving,. People who act out PA are unable to, or struggle to communicate their upsets, frustrations, hurts or expectations. I am guilting of this and have been accused of being conniving.
6) Put others first? Sometimes I do this.
7) I certainly can't tolerate anyone not liking me. Yes I need a lot of affirmation. I have an intense fear of abandonment and rejection.
8) I do feel resentful. And just realized it is because others have better boundaries,
9) I feel tired a lot.
10) All my relationships are difficult and explosive.
Why do I struggle with boundaries?
1) attachment issues, Mom was not there consist for me. someone will finally love me.
2) past trauma and abuse. Mom harmed and overstep natural boundaries which caused me not to understand boundaries.
3) I saw my parents (observed) my parents in unhealthy way and I accepted what they were doing was correct.
Caregiving doesn't allow for boundaries. And some people don't have other family members to take over their role to give them a rest.
The title alone exposed me. And I know it lol.
I think I just wanna not be around people to make it easier lol. It’s exhausting especially once people expect you to always put them first aka our family or romantic partners. I’ve grown so much overtime but it doesn’t always feel like enough still
I have these personality traits and it makes having friends really hard. People seem to want to be around people that are self assured, independent, free-thinking and have a consistent personality that makes it easy to relate to them and know who they are. When you are a social chameleon, people-pleaser and struggle with identity.. people can sense it and it makes them confused about who you really are and how to relate to you. It’s really tough!
Thank you for this video 💛 The past year has been huge for me in terms of setting boundaries. It is so hard to start setting boundaries when there were none before. My family had a hard time with this as they took this as them being left behind or I didn’t care. But they see how much calmer I am so they are starting to understand a little 😅
Speaking generally and not just with relationships, one of my challenges as a person with a disability is knowing when or how often I can change my mind. For example if I am walking somewhere and it looks like I am struggling, somebody might come up to me and ask do you need help. In the moment I could say no, or no thank you I can do this myself. And they would ask, are you sure? And then, I have to second-guess. Am I really sure? What if we are going along and I run into an obstacle and then suddenly have to ask them actually you know back there when you asked me if I needed help, could you help me now? And then what does that help look like? How much am I willing to let that person in and when do I say enough is enough and when do I become patient versus frustrated and how do I master my feelings as I am doing all of that? It’s a daily thing that I have to constantly consider in order to take charge of my life.
Boundaries are flexible. I love this!
Another great video👏🏾. Being people pleasers can leave you exhausted. This cycle gets worse as people soon will expect you to always say yes. Boundaries are key♥️
I have been struggling with that since I was young due to my condition
It really hit home when you said you learned saying sorry was manipulation to assuage your own anxiety...... I very much did that in the past, now I understand why my sorry's did not feel like they were to please someone, now I realize why , it was really for me.
Watching this makes me realize how far I've come with boundaries. I'm proud of myself!
I’ve been to a number of therapists and worked through several things, but this might be one of the core issues that’s gone largely unaddressed. I absolutely exhibit 8 out of the 10 signs, and maybe one other. Thank you for presenting this. It’s given me a new area to work on.
Yes, I struggle with boundaries, I don’t want to offend anyone so I just say what ever. It’s like avoiding possible confrontation or perceived confrontation. This has been most of my life.
Try and work on it
Totally.. we can worry that us saying no will upset someone else. I promise you that people who care about you and who you have real relationships with will be fine with you saying no sometimes or not being available. xoxo
Such tough stuff 😢 Thank you for this. I’m not getting much help from therapy although I really like my therapist. It’s health plan offered (costs a lot but that’s not the issue). We get so little time! 😢 And I get more help reading. I don’t know what to do but I’m thinking about going back to self help. 🤷♀️ Wish me well! 💞
Superb breakdown of struggles creating boundaries! You hit the nail right on the head with this video. Signs #3, 7, and 8 apply to me the most as I find myself apologizing for things alot when the apology isn't really necessary, along with holding a deep rooted resentment for whoever it was that has taken advantage of me in the past. As far as sign #7 goes, I had a friend some year back that I was afraid would end their friendship with me so I tried my best do whatever it was to please them and make them happy.
바운더리 문제를 겪는 사람의 원인을 외부환경에서만 찾고 그들이 어딘가 잘못된 것처럼 설명하시는군요. 그저 우호성이 높은 기질로 태어난 것일 수 있다고 생각합니다. 내 기질을 알고 얼마나 조절하느냐의 문제이지요. 강박적으로 선택의 여지없이 서포터로 행동하는게 아닌 내 선택에 의해 서포터로 행동하기를 바라고 있습니다.
BPD surely will be most susceptible to this problem?
Yes.. because of our fear of abandonment. It can make boundaries really hard, but it can actually be soothing to have them in place. Helps us stay regulated more easily. xoxo
Great video Kati!
#7 can't tolerate others not liking us. I didn't know it was a boundary issue. I have it to different degrees, from...I don't care if so and so does not like me to ...what did I do wrong that the other person does not like me. What to do to change this situation and have better boundaries?
tfw when you check every box 💀 God, I really didn't think it was that bad
Hopefully you can do more videos on boundaries because I can’t afford the workshop. I had a friendship were my friend insisted on not ever telling a sexual joke or making a sexual comment was keeping her boundaries but she never thought about my feelings that this was normal adult behavior. This probably was my fault for being friends with someone very religious. I felt like she used boundaries to control me or the relationship. I been stump on how I bring the worst out in her. I suspect she is dealing with her own baggage and it honestly has nothing to do with my actual behavior. My question is is it normal for friends just to constantly give advice or opinions? After Covid happened and our move to Texas I keep shutting down her opinions and advice because I wanted to do what was best for me and outside opinions were just making things worse.
Goddamn this hits like a truck. I don't struggle with all of these, but by far the majority resonated. The points about unclear self-identity and relationships being overly dramatic especially hit home for me currently. You'd think a lack of self-worth is only a personal problem, but it ends up hurting the people close to you as well if you're not careful.
I have ASD and I see myself in most of these signs. I'm married for 14 years now and communication is a huge part that doesn't work well even after all those years. I guess I'm not able to express my needs and my fears or someone teach me how to communicate properly.
Same! I can't figure out what I need in a moment of crisis, only a few days or weeks later do I understand what I needed.
Attachment issues 😔😢😢
I now realise that in my family- Kindness is seen as weakness. That took a long time to see… it’s a sad reality. Knowing this reality is helpful.
I was shocked during the lockdown because I didn’t realize how much my family of origin would do this one parent specifically because they would insist it must made me a walking target or a sucker. But my kindness is not weakness or gullible and it is a challenge to return to knowing that sometimes kindness is my strength.❤
I thought this would be for people who have problems not respecting other people's boundaries.
I didn't know what boundaries were growing up because my mom took that away by volunteering us kids even to this day doing stuff without even asking if we're busy doing something else or unavailable but if I say I am unable she guilt trips me or if I"ask" her for help, it flips, she'd ask me to ask someone else to help me.
You are a blessing Kati. You are able to help people, who don't even know they need help. People who don't know they can have better healthier lives. There are results that won't ever be seen, but you are making our world a better place. Thank you.
Aww I am trying my best. Thank you for the kind comment Phillip :) xoxo
I needed this video today ❤
xoxo
Thank you so much for this video! I sometimes feel like "abused" or "very ashamed" after meeting specific people around me (usually people that are very dominant, too self-centered..). Thanks to this I finally realized what the problem is.
I’m 10 for 10….. but 2 specific things hit hard on me and I’m almost 30….. 1: the stat,ent and reasoning on the passive aggressiveness… it was so beautifully said becuase I KNOW I do it sometimes without realizing…and when it’s called out to me….I panic…I couldn’t explain MYSELF why I did it…but YES…that is why….
2: damn the very end….the mention about parents and observations…. My mother and I have been so close it’s pretty much like you could say she was reading my text messages and had my door off the hinges without actually doing all that. And now the moment I even WANT any form of privacy it’s “you shared everything with me before!? This should be no different” I mean hell she even got c****ms for my first time at age 16 WHILE JUST UPSTAIRS! boundaries were NOT a thing…it never existed…. And still kinda doesn’t.
I struggle immensely with all of these being late realized neurodivergent. Boundaries are such an abstract concept to me, but these videos are really helpful.
Congratulations on your "10 Signs You Struggle With Healthy Boundaries In Relationships" inspirational thanks for sharing. 💖
First times I've set boundaries it didn't go well. I can withdraw when people violate those boundaries but their reaction can be off the charts, saying I'm crazy and need help and they pity me etc. You have to brace yourself for that.
This piece is a significant accomplishment; akin to a book that was a milestone in thematic exploration. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thanks for doing this video.. so important subject! My brother continually disrespects my boundaries. He calls me a lot during the week. He never waits for me to call him back. He has a disability and he has an impulse to call people all the time. I think this is a reassurance thing (maybe OCD and co-dependency). I have placed a boundary up and explained why i don't want him calling so many times. I did manage to get him to only call on weekends but then it's a cycle and he reverts back to calling a lot again during the week. (These calls are not emergencies and they are just the same questions) I am becoming to resent him and I feel guilty for this.
Any advise from any one i would appreciate. Thanks
Does anyone have any advice on how to learn dealing with boundaries in terms of professional boundaries and boundaries with strangers that you might want to befriend or date? I just don't get it. Professional, in my experience, is code for "my patriarchal cishet white able-bodied and neurotypical personal talk is okay, but everything deviating from that is too personal". Same with getting to know people, it always feels like "my arbitrary boundaries are okay, yours are not".
Hey, it's me, the over-apologizer :))) it's really, really hard to stop when you've been blamed for so many things you didn't do your whole childhood into early adulthood
I had to set boundaries with my friend who always wants money.
Also with a friend who phones and messages too much
People who always want you to do stuff you wouldn’t mind babysitting would you
I have been really struggling the last few weeks and I now fear I am entering a depression. I have spent the last 24 hours mostly crying and feeling completely distraught. I am processing a lot from what feels like years of my life, and it's been overwhelming. Your videos are of great comfort to me right now, so thank you. I am in counselling, but the accessibility of your videos is so greatly appreciated.
Boundaries in a relationship = the girl dumps you because you’re self centered lol good luck with that
I display a number of symptoms of this, and am working through them. It's exhausting and have a long way to go still.
How do I enforce healthy boundaries in a relationship when they refuse to change their behavior? For example, my girlfriend has a habit of slapping me when I do or say something she doesn't like, usually on the arm or shoulder but sometimes in the face. It's not hard enough to warrant calling the police, but it does hurt, and it doesn't feel pleasant. I've told her over and over, "babe, don't slap me like that. That's not acceptable, I don't care if you don't like that, don't slap me." But she just doesn't stop. Is it really worth leaving over?
I’m working on this in therapy. I am passive aggressive. I don’t like being direct because if that person responds to that by giving me what I directly asked for, I don’t like how I feel when I receive it. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like it’s not genuine, And I kind of feel gross internally.
Could you do a video on any biases that therapists might hold and why so many diagnoses of patients are incorrect? I belong to several Autism subreddits and it’s crazy how many of these individuals get diagnosed with things like OCD, SAD, BPD, etc before Autism. Doesn’t this create distrust between a patient and their practitioners if the practitioner can’t even get it correct? I totally understand how practitioners are humans too but it seems like they approach their diagnoses with “this is what it must be therefore we will start treatment for this immediately” rather than at least addressing that while the patient fits the criteria for a specific disorder, there’s still a chance the diagnosis could be something else?
This is some extraordinary much needed information about balance in relationships!🎉
Will you be offering this workshop again? I followed the link to the store, but there aren't any upcoming dates listed or anything. Thanks!
My boundaries are set like the iron curtain. Nobody is allowed to cross into them. I keep everyone at a well defined, healthy, distance from me. The last thing I want is, an invader in my life. I tried the social game twice. Both attempts ended in pain. There will be no third try. By boarders are impenetrable! I require no friends nor a girlfriend such as most exist today. I rather be alone.
Wow! I can check each of the boxes. I have been a person without boundaries. Thank you so much for helping me to see that. I feel empowered to be a better version of myself. Keep making videos!💖
Thank you, Kati!
You are so welcome!
Always apologizing here :( this year I want to be firm with boundaries bc I can’t be a ppl pleaser anymore at 32 it’s too much to handle.
I just hate being around most people. I feel them draining me when they open their mouths. I was in the hospital waiting room last week, and this guy in the front row of seats kept looking back at us on the row behind, scanning us, looking for an opening to talk - he reminded me of a predator.
He'd go on and on about pointless mundane things, it was amazing how much he could open his mouth and make word salad over the smallest little things. He talked about a flight he had to Australia where nothing out of the ordinary happened - for about half an hour. He never gave an opening for anyone one else to speak. The woman next to me would laugh nervously sometimes and he took that as encouragement. We both stopped making eye contact - I stared at my feet, and then the woman next to me started talking to her daughter next to her, and he just kept on going. Eventually he moved seats across the room and started again talking very basic everyday CNN facts about the Iraq war.
Not related to the video but how to cope with becoming intimate with someone if you struggle with s3lfh4rm? In my case the other person is quite comprehensive but it’s still a difficult situation for me sometimes
I hate feeling this way. When I say no I am told that I am selfish, I hate that they manipulate me into thinking I am the worst. They use one instance to say I never help. I am working, studying and I have relationships that drain me….
I really don't know what a healthy amount of sharing stuff is. I wish to feel save with people and (don't know if its the right english word:) to feel "hold" by someone.. on the other hand I tend to feel like the other person has to "save" me because I can't hold myself, I feel overwhelmed, helpless... I think observing myself last year it happend less that I was like this but at the same time I am struggeling more to share inner stuff I would like to not be alone with..
i realise now i grew up with no boundaries and it’s because i grew up as the eldest daughter expected to do everything around the house no matter what time, or what’s going on in MY life . I now have low self esteem bc everytime i did something i would constantly get criticism from my dad. both of these things make me a huge people pleaser.. i’m going to change myself for the better.
This was very helpful and needed, thank you ❤
Thank you for your videos and hard work, Kati. I hope you're ok. Sending support from NYC!
Of course!!! I hope they help :) Doing well and enjoying the down time this holiday season. xoxo
Thank you Kati for this informative and helpful video 💕 hope you are doing ok and taking lots of care of yourself 😊 xx
Damn. I relate to ALL of it. How do we fix this with ourselves?
This really hit hard because I am in a situation where if I decide to leave my roommates my roommate will hurt me. I am about to be homeless and I have a car that I rented in my name but all three of us will be sleeping in it this coming up first of January. I am at a standstill because I don't know what to do.
Great video, Thank you. I resonated with the 'copy what we see' reason for struggling with boundaries as being autistic and having my lower- than- average attachment needs personality I literally learned by watching. Sometimes I watched and copied, mostly as I grew I watched and watched and watched, as many different people as I could, like a scientist before working out what I wanted to do. That approach did make me tired but it wasn't too bad as I did get to know myself well. The only problem remaining being that the general public didn't always respond to me and my boundaries & preferences in a way that kept me healthy and safe. I'm finally working on that piece of the puzzle having always know I can't control anyone else and also that I can't always Control myself either (change to save myself). Interesting times
So mam what to do plz share your ideas to set boundries and make peacfull life
Hi Kati and to anyone reading this. Hi. I just want to say, whenever I practice my boundaries, I am told that I am over sensitive, moody, verbally rude, selfish, calculative and uncooperative (at home most of the time). Those words bring me down so bad, it made me apologise, self-blame, self-hate, reflect on my actions, depressed and always thinking that I am the wrong one leading me to think that I should not even exist in this world because I am causing all the drama and unhappiness to them. One side of me is currently thinking, YES, I am problematic and I should just listen to others and do as I am told but another side of is saying NO! Don't listen to them and you'll be a slave forever to their needs. I'm confused. Just sharing this and I hope no one else in this whole wide world is experiencing this because it's awful. Also, just wondering, Kati, have you ever consulted or gave therapy to both the boundary setter and the one that refuse to acknowledge the boundary at one time? Isn't it one sided if only one of the person is consulted? Just me over thinking .. hahaha. Thank you for being here for us all the time. Have a nice day. Hugs.
Are you an empath living with a narcissist ?
@@mattdonna9677 I'm not sure.... T__T could I be?
@@sharsnow only you can answer that question. I'm an empath learning to tolerate a narcissist, Dr.les Carter is the guide who helped me. He's on RUclips.
@@mattdonna9677 thank you so much for your recommendation. ❤️
Hey Kati!
Long time listener, first time caller here.
I have a simple but very thought-provoking question. I thought I would ask you this because I love the way you explain hard to grasp things for myself and others AND because this one is right up in your alley from when you got your first time experience.
There's this "new" eating disorder that is being talked about and it is a nervosa, specifically "Orthorexia Nervosa." Sorry to get personal but I saw you had a video where you struggled with over-exercising in the past... so it kinda ties in with you too.
Could you please do a video on this topic? I think it could benefit you and the community!
My last relationship we struggled to have boundaries and I didn’t even realize
This was helpful in recognizing some behavior I need to consider and work on. The all-or-nothing mentality when it comes to trust and relationships is something I struggle with. Thank you so much for taking time to make this video and offer a workshop.
If not for me for others I do care about. Thanks again...
Been watching a lot of these RUclips videos over the last 2 years with interest. I am a software engineer of over 30 years specialising in AI and I think we could do some wonderful things for mental health if we joined the therapy/wellbeing groups with the software/AI groups. No one is talking about software for mental health, apps that run on phones for example and monitor mental health using well known triggers etc could help us fight this avalache of mental health issues we are all facing.
Good idea. You could investigaste about "biopotential", which are the measure used to model physiological behaviour. Maybe with a smart watch sensing your heart rate, sleep depravation, etc, you could do some AI for mental health.
Great content. Love the specific life examples.
More to come!
Happy New Year Kati- God bless you all!:) Thank you all for all you do!:)
Thank you so much for this! I didn't reolize I have HUGE boundary issues! I needed this!
This was very informative! I love videos like this. It helps me reflect personally on my boundary setting style and how I struggle with healthy boundaries.
Wonderful video, as always! -Jori
Aww thanks Jori!! xoxo
This video really hit me.
I feel like i fit every aspect of this video
Thank you, very helpful.
I may be looking at this backwards, I feel over mindful of the boundaries of others, being over cautious (or totally avoiding) pointing out something is wrong , or giving compliment, or even heaven forbid flirting.
I do have hard time making them I don’t want make others mad
Kati, (and I'm not making accusations here), do you feel like YOU are a narcissist? I'm not painting you with that particular brush, but a lot of your points seem to indicate that you know that perspective quite well. Forgive me if I'm making assumptions. :(
This describes BPD in so many ways
Boundaries, this is very interesting.
I've noticed that psychiatrists are abusing the diagnosis of schizophrenia when they don't see the real disease? What do you think about it?
so while doing stuff for ithers endlessly is one way this can show up, theres also the option that for self protection its actually the opposite - because i cant set boundaries, i hold back from doing ANYTHING for others. expectations of any sort are too much. so i only engage in contact with people where there are few expectations of me, and i reject as many as possible out of anxiety.
Overall this video was eye opening. It describes basically all the incomprehensible issues me and my gf had (both!) in our relationship. It all makes sense now. That's insane.
Recently I had this issues,thank you so much
I felt much better now😊❤️
Most people don't even have set of boundaries
These are my guidelines 👏
After several consecutive years of therapy, I am more stressed out than I have ever been. Do any therapists know or care how stressful it is constantly walk a fine line about everything? Especially, when you still have to work and do all the other parts of life.
I can hardly spend time with people because I am constantly worried about boundaries and healthy relationships and “being positive,” and “being authentic,” and all the other naggy little points therapists dish out. I am so lonely because I don’t know how to relate to anybody now. Every encounter is scary until I have a couple of beers. Which is destabilizing after three decades of extroversion and being happiest when interacting with others.
This stress is not worth it. I’m going to terminate myself in 2023.
Put the last sentence as the first.
@@ResortDog Why?
Perhaps this will sound strange since we haven’t met, but hear me out. I don’t know what your motivations are for sharing that you want to leave, but I’m hoping it’s because you want someone to care enough to ask you to stay. Please stay, Erin. I’m working on myself too, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have to believe I’m worth the effort in order to recognize and stop the negative self-talk in my head no one else can hear. Thank you for being brave and honest about sharing your frustration and desperation with strangers. I hope you write down how you are feeling right now and share with your therapist, you are worth the effort. I love you, and I’m glad you’re here.
@@erindabney2758 I think vogelfound made the reply I was hoping for. I thought putting the last statement first would lead with the what made me stop & talk to the beginning, not after somebody clicked in. I think suicides too passive aggressive, when you could just be more aggressive and stick in the problems throat,so to say. I am coupcoupfood.
I agree so much. After looking into social issues, I feel like literally everyone has problematic behaviours. But instead of people being honest about it and chill about talking about it, and working together to get better, it's a huge deal and everyone is shamed for things that are human.
In psychology, I always feel like everything is labelled unhealthy. Psychology lacks a mechanism to look at its own problems. A lot of our issues, I think, are very much social issues. Lack of community is a big one.
I personally have made a lot of progress on my own, without a therapist. I find that, because a therapist is a person that you interact with, when you have big trouble interacting with a therapist and knowing what you want out of therapy, some things can be quite hard to work out with your therapist when it's working with your therapist that is the problem to begin with. You need a person who really knows what they are doing for that. Not all therapists do.
Excellent video! I am learning about boundaries and the information presented was so helpful. The information about being resentful really resonated with me. I realized very recently that I was the one who caused this resentment by not having boundaries.Yes, a hard pill to swallow. Thank you Katie!
A lot of these signs are also signs of autism
You asked at the end of the video, so I wanted to share that I see that maybe (unrecognized?) neurodivergence could be a big player here. Masking can show up as this people-pleasing behavior.
Hi Kati, I want to ask you what kind of Therapist are you? I love your videos so much by the way! I am also a big advocate on mental health! Thank You for all you do! :)