Enneagram: Blind Spots of Type 4
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- Опубликовано: 25 авг 2020
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
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“Their success doesn’t mean my failure. Their acceptance doesn’t mean my rejection.” I’m keeping that. That’s a good tool haha.
Oh shit….
no other youtuber makes me feel understood as a 4 like dr tom lahue !! so grateful
You just learned the today lesson! Well done! ;)
I hate being a 4, all this craziness, sadness, unhappiness for no reason I just hate it
I completely agree!
I agree.
Same here, he’s amazing
“If I’m too much for you, you’re not enough for me”
I can't believe you can explain with such nuance what it feels like to be a 4, without yourself being a 4 🤯
Who's ready to become very uncomfortable and called out on my bad behavior? ✋🏻This girl right here 😂
But in all seriousness I've really appreciated all your videos and work that you put into them. You've been very helpful and as a 4 I feel like you do a great job of making sense of traits and subconscious behaviors that would be so easy to attack. You're doing a great job and I just want to say thank you 😊
Thank you for you kind words...
I had a 4 moment yesterday. My 7w6 coworker just had a baby and he had a 'guess the name' contest beforehand, which I happened to guess the correct name. Even as something as that I said, 'I can't believe I guessed right. I never win at anything.' Then I caught the 4 moment.
As a 4 I love the idea of Kintsugi Japanese art where the idea is to highlight the cracks and flaws rather than to hide them. It reminds me to love my flaws rather than to become absorbed in how broken they make me feel
As usual....spot on! Lol. I've retreated into myself hard since my last relationship ended and have been trying to be more open and interactive with others but it takes a conscious effort. I have to keep reminding myself of what other people can see and what they can benefit from from my presence instead of trying to stay invisible. They might even....*gasp* really like me. 😱 So I'm trying to replace the negative thoughts with positives to at least balance out this emo brain. I appreciate you and your videos as always. 😊❤
Thank you so much for your kind words. Glad the video helps.
Me thinking to myself: “Hmm.. I’m not *that* negative. I see what’s lacking but I’m pretty positive!” The title of this video: “Type 4 BLINDSPOTS”
I know it’s not that serious but by this logic you never have validity for what you say. Give yourself credit!
2Piece&aBisquit Most definitely a joke. I agree with you!
A spiritual practice that is helping me as 4, to get out of the 'what about me? thought, is to see all the others as mySelf. Feel the other person in from of me as not separate from who I am.
Then it became joyful to give love and encouragements, and it FEELS a lot better!
Thank you a lot for what you are sharing Tom! I am learning a lot from you. 🙏❤👋
Hmm. That was a bittersweet video, it hurts to be called out! But it’s good to be understood.
I love how in-depth you go with every enneagram. As you know fours love to feel “seen” and you do that, thank you.
Wow- just got nailed with the idea that the fixation of my 4ness is the cover up for feelings of being afraid of rejection and failure if I actually put myself into something and it does not work out. Humbled. 😣
as a 4 i agree with the hiding in the sadness/darkness to mask other feelings. it is weirdly a safe feeling
Also saying that the purpose of my life is to support other people and that i don't deserve a happy life/ happy ending and think it is OK to think that my life is less than others and trying to make that feel OK so it doesn't hurt.
Haha leading with my flaws. I used to call that that my “trash test” lol. You nailed it.
Oh, my goodness, I'm only 9 minutes in and I can see how I spend SO much time living in my blindspot. Very on point and eye opening (haha, opposite of the blind spot). Thanks. Dr. Tom. I'll continue listening now... 😊
my thoughts throughout this video:
I feel like im a pretty positive 4 (definitely self-pres), I do pick up on what is missing or wrong with a situation occasionally but not enough to obsess over it. I do look at the bright side. But when he got to the point about telling others my flaws so they don't have to find out later is SPOT ON. I just started dating, I keep telling him and showing him my flaws. It's like a test: I am like this, do you still want me?
also point #3 i definitely tend to take things personally or put myself in a situation, making it about me
I TOTALLY resonate with wanting to tell believers: why do you try so hard to fit in? You are a foreigner on this earth. I strive to not compromise my beliefs even if its weird for others.
Yeah I can't stand micheals/home sense art. lol
As always doctor, you always giving the exactly tools to improve. Which I couldn’t see before since you mentioned most of blind spots I have. Videos like this make me see the different perception I was looking for to perceive. What helps me the most is that I can recognize as a 4 that I need in some internal way to be recognized and belonging is so difficult. Thank you again doctor.
My pleasure! Thanks for your kind words.
Wow I'm sitting here with tears (typical 😊) I'm so grateful for you Dr Lahue ❤ Thank you for this message and your non-judgmental, understanding view of us 4s. It helps so much. I feel so special that I was able to get started with our appointments last month, and you know how important special is to a 4 ❤ Keep up the amazing work! You are helping so many people.
You are so welcome. Thanks Kisha.
Could you please tell me how much is he charging for appointments?
man i love listening to you describe me. haha. im an artist and everything you say about loving the imperfect is dead on the money. i lived in phoenix just under a decade and it was so grimey, dirty, hot, miserable......and i loved it! i really grew there. and i find myself growing a ton when i go through depression. this understanding my darkness has always intrigued me. was interested in (didn't practice) a lot of occult material. even now that i recognize myself as a christian, im still dark. but i think i try to maintain a healthy balance. the yin and yang. this is all really good content! 🙏
That was an excellent and insightful analysis. I’ve found that a thankfulness journal really helps me, it not only raises my spirits and reshapes my paradigm but strengths me to lift the spirits of others. It is disastrous to look with envy at the lives of others and very liberating to be happy for them. And finally, “this world is not my home, I’m just passing through” - the 4s theme song. Thanks again, will share with other 4s.
Thank you doctor for your generosity in trying to help inform people so that they can lead happier lives. You have helped me tremendously, I have so many a-ha moments listening to your insights. I am a type 9 but can heavily relate to type 4 attributes too. Thanks again!!
My pleasure
Wow! This just confirmed that I'm a 4! I was between either 9 or 4, but knowing these blind spots is such a revelation! Thanks for the help, insight, and encouragement!
Finally coming out of the basement 4w5, but its so bad I forgot how to have conversations with people. When I leave i know they gossip and say I am a narcissist. It sucks. Thank you for your videos. i can take responsibility for myself without being too self critical.
Lightbulb! “If I’m too much for you then you may not be enough for me”!
Thank you for your work, time and effort!
The "focus on what could have been done or what could have gone better" is a major connection my type 3 husband and I share. We've learned to bolster each other in it. I often perceive the personal, emotional, or spiritual things he overlooks in his efforts to fix or repair the practical issues, which is a strength I lack.
I have a type 4 in my life, and this information was enlightening. Even though I have read a fair amount, I was having trouble understanding. I will be referring back to this teaching. Thanks!
Glad it was helpful!
that (12:18) is so true HAHAHA oh man.
(13:33) need to catch ourselves doing it.
It's amazing how most of our battles is in the mind first. It's our thoughts.
If we're not aware of how a certain thought affects us, we would just accept it by default, nothing would change, and we would always need to rely on external to fill in our needs. There would be blaming and "if onlys".
If we truly want to grow, we need to catch these thoughts and other cognitive distortions thinking we might have.
We need to take accountability.
thank you sm. Your videos on type four are really helping me
Finally it all makes sense thank you !! Best video that I have seen on enneagram 4.
Thank you so much for these videos! I truly appreciate them. They are incredibly helpful.
spot on and very enlightening (4w5) thank you 🙏 you have a gift of delivering this information
This video is everything I’ve ever needed. Thank you so much. I’m a fan!
So on point, that it's scary 😂 the part in the end when you talk about work, omg...
I’m imagining the background of this You tube channel, with the apricot curtain in the back , being like Harry Potters’ little place under the stairs.
This gentleman, may not know he has a bit of magic, going, nor that his mail will soon manifest in an abundance, because the family he may be with now, could be subverting mail .
That is as personal a reference to him as I will give.
The sad part of being a Melancholic/individualist or Romantic, is that generally , we are the temperament who lives closest to madness and suicide.
I have chosen to be on my own. I have engaged with others, and found, I end up being the listener.
After a year or so, of learning about the other, I have had enough. Helpful skills for me, are who owns the problem. Who has most emotion about it. And feelings are still my choice.
Not to resort to immature thinking, where the blame is on others.
I find that I can recognise my weakness’ , and Own my part.
But at 61 now, I am making myself tired.
My mind constantly seeks to delve, explore.
But the truth is, what does it benefit.
I am waiting for my adult family member to move away from me, into her great future.
Then, I have paintings I want to work on. Writings to pour myself into.
I am often waiting.
And as I let go of my adult child, I open space, inside myself, to ask, Who am I now…..
I become depressed my part of being a mother, is totally imperfect.
I loose my confidence. I stumble over my words, as I interpret my adult child’s actions, unfavourably.
I see, how alone 4’s can be.
Misunderstood. This is prevalent in my family life.
Alone generally. Alone at home with my small family.
Give me one or the other.
I can live alone.
It’s living with someone, and feeling crunchingly alone
Energy ?
Walks on beach.
Sunshine. God.
Dogs!
We move toward the ideas we hold in mind.
At 61 I re-examine my parents’ choices, their decisions about me.
My own with my family member.
And how short life really is.
Anyway I will cease here, before I loose the “ will to live “!
So exposed. 😳 I squirmed and cringed and laughed with tears. Thank you. I felt seen and understood.
This is on point and it’s scary lol 😬😂
But love how you put everything and how it all made sense.
Interesting information! Good video! Your description of the 4 and thinking everything is about them, reminds me of me, a 2 and my thoughts are usually worry like did I cause that or miss saying something to prevent that from happening. The answer is always no.
Dr Tom... " I appreciate you!" ☺
Great insights and encouragements in this video... Made personal notes... Even as you're speaking about 4's "blind spots" ... You do it with grace... !
I’ve been aware of all of these for a while, but I really like the practical advice you give to work against those blindspots. I definitely took notes for future use.
Video is full of helpful insight. Thanks.
The shame sign bit cracked me up. I can identify!
Illuminating and very clearly explained. Not always easy to hear potential blindspots but key to evolving.
Feel the gratitude. Appreciator!
As usual SUPERB video. I'm going to use the affirmation "I am the APPRECIATOR".. "I appreciate....".
Thank you!!! 💗
You are so welcome
Wow🤦♀️🙈 This was scary good. I laughed out loud so many times-- it's so true🤣🤣 Maybe this is why I hate going to bed at restricted times... or watching movies because I make my problems the protagonists' problem and then I'm melancholy for a week...
Every single thing was ridiculously true, and coming from a 4w5, you helping us figure more about ourselves is a blessing🤣 Thankyou!!
Glad to help. Thanks for the comments.
Hobby Lobby Art... Oh my gosh that has been a major frustration for me recently. Desperate to bring some interior design to my home, happily off to the store full of ideas, then wallowing in distaste of the mundane or nitpicking style genre choices til I leave empty handed. Goodness... you really nailed me there.
Thank you! Great video... and soo spot on 😂
Glad you enjoyed it!
This is so accurate! Thank you!
Oh my goodness. So funny…you hit the nail on the head!
I'll wear the shame sign for humanity ... ooooouuuch, Doc!! These are deep painful truths, but you delivered them with much grace, thank you 💜 Looking forward to exploring more on your channel.
Yes!!!
Great video yet again sir 👍🏾
So very helpful!!! Thanks a lot!
thats why I love vintage and antiques i think:) ....beauty out of something left behind
Great job with all of these, best description of 4, I've been able to identify. - 4w5
You are so on it
Wonderful! Thankyou
I definitely relate to pointing out my flaws. When I date, or consider dating, I want to put it all out even before we date.
Thank you 🎉!!!
I definitely do a lot of these things. Probably not as much as when I was a teen, but definitely need to work on these things.
Thank you You get us
Thank you so much for this 🙏 social 4w5 here
Confronting with the reality of taking refuge in melancholy, was breathtakingly painful.
I feel defeated and hopeless; because even after coming over my inner swamp and be orderly and productive for months, I can't stand it and go back to addiction, gloom and disconnection. But as we know, excelling in most careers need consistency in practice and connection; therefore I loose most of my status in each break. As the result of this loss, I don't see a clear motive to let this melancholic indolence go.
However, I can see the path of misery clear enough, to drive me upsettingly towards healing!
Thanks!
So called out right now 😆
tbh i think with 4s there might be no such thing as a blind spot 😄 all of the things youre saying are true and i personally know and experience them often. because 4s are obsessed with self-reflection and knowing themselves i think they dont even develop blind spots too much. i know too well whats great about me and what went well in a given situation, still that wont stop me from ***feeling*** shitty about one or many negative aspects of the same situation or in my personality.
Your understanding of 4s has helped me immensely. Thank you
you're dead on here. When, as a 4 w5, I heard you're okay with a factory-made piece of art I shuddered a bit. My mom always asks why I make waffles from scratch (not from a mix) because "it takes too long", and I'm always a bit confused because I love the process, the fun messiness of it, the anticipation of something delicious, and the fact that those are my waffles and you can't get them anywhere else. It all points to an honest effort to manifest a part of me for you to enjoy and understand.
don't know why my example was waffles... guess I'm hungry...
I love beautiful messes- indeed, the straight lines bore me. I do appreciate a well executed perfect piece of art. As a hairdresser for instance, I love the work of Vidal Sassoon. His haircuts were amazing but I always feel like I need to do everything my way ultimately. It needs to be perfect in the way I see it being perfect. I never get it right though. I give up before I actually get it done. I get tired and discouraged because my vision feels to daunting. It also gets lost in conflicting desires of other perfect things I should be working on. It is shameful and pretty awful. One thing is for sure, If you are suffering, come to me, I will help me see how beautiful you are.
I'm the four who strived and worked really hard thinking shunning the depression and being fake and bubbly like a normal human would make the rejection stop. Nope. Even more rejection. So I said f it leave me alone in my depression then. Trying to lean into my 3 bc I'm a 4 with my next strongest being my 5 wing.
Based on this series, it may make sense to end things with my 1.
The 1 in my life was very hard on me. Good luck with that!
Thank you for another wonderful video! The more I watch your videos and the more I learn about Enneagram the more confused on who I am! Ha! I guess I really don't know the message that I'm trying to deliver to others. I would love to work with someone to figure this out! I'm a coach for women with Anxiety and who are dealing with past traumas. I'd love more information on the Enneagram and how I can use it in my coaching sessions. Thanks! (I've thought I was a 2 because I'm a service type person and I then thought I was a 5 because I like learning etc... then I thought I was an 8 because I definitely do associate with a lot of 8s. I can also see myself as a 4). Any help that anyone can give me would be awesome! Thanks!
From a 4...How do 4’s find love? If you idealize a relationship, how do you actually find it? Accepting someone and giving them a chance, and not seeing red flags right away, all the time? Anyone have experience with this? What I’m hearing him say is to focus on gratitude and what IS good about someone, and yourself.
I can only talk from my experience. What i've found helpful is being honest about your perceived red flags. If it worries you, there has to be a change, either from the other person or from you (sometimes hearing the other person's perspective will allow you to understand why they do what they do, and be okay with it, instead of feeling a constant worry that this is a red flag that will lead to a disaster). If the other person has to change and you see in their actions that they make an effort to do so, that will increase your trust in them and make you feel that you can build something there. It doesn't have to be THE ideal relationship, just a healthy one. And just because it isn't the ideal you once imagined, it doesn't mean that it won't be satisfying or fulfilling.
My boyfriend is an 8. When I met him I told myself i would never date him since i instantly saw what I thought were red flags. It took 4 years of being friends to happen, but our feelings grew stronger, and throughout these years he constantly shows me how much he matured. I'd say that you have to take some time to see the green flags. Remember the blindspot he mentioned in the video: we are hyperfocused on the red flags. Just make sure that, if you're in a relationship, you're both honest and able to adopt a perspective of "us vs problem" instead of "me against you" when something makes you feel uncomfortable, even when you're not sure how to find a solution.
Sorry if something isn't clear, it's 4am and i should be sleeping x)
I know you posted this almost a year ago, but if it could still be helpful I'll add this: One thing that made (and still makes) a HUGE impact on my marriage and relationships with others is learning to intentionally not hold people accountable to my unexpressed expectations. This has helped me with learning to communicate more effectively and graciously over the years because I was so nonconfrontational (I would keep myself bottled up) but being the idealistic person I am I struggled with being frustrated and annoyed when people wouldn't do the things I thought they should do in my ideallyzed thoughts. I had to (and still do) remind myself "I can't be upset with them not doing what I didn't ask them to do, or for being insensitive to something they didn't know was a problem". It really helps me to identify what's actually going on (vs what I imagined) and help view people less as my enemies when I force myself to realize they aren't in my head with me. Also, making the choice to calmly explore those "red flags" through an honest and respectful conversation because it may turn out that the other person is completely unaware it's something of concern for you. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary and it's only by God's grace and a lot of learning to communicate and understand each other as the individuals we are that has allowed us to get here. (That's just my long-winded two cents - I still have to work on these parts of myself, I certainly don't get it right all the time)
I’m brand new to this study so please bare this in mind regarding my questions and comments. You’ve described this 4’s as carrying so much pain- external pain that is accepted as worthy of support by those who expect/ appreciate this; as well as all of theirs that goes unacknowledged and unsupported -
so much that even they have adopted this belief that their pain ( and themselves ) are not worthy of the same consideration..
preserving.. enduring.. long suffering .. are the descriptors : while still giving to those around them .
This background makes their ‘ blind spots ‘ .. rather predictable.
My questions refer to the experiences that shape this kind of orientation; as this smacks of childhood trauma. Does family background play into the development of type ?
Another aspects of this type, analyzing and isolating the flaw or aspect needing improvement, using creativity and thinking outside the box , accepting accountability and supporting others while still conveying what needs to ‘ change ‘ etc etc .. are highly venerated in society.
iIn business for example, similar individuals are often high paid and well respected system analysts or consultants..
receiving many of the primary validations that 4’s so need and don’t receive.. why is this and why does this not come to the 4’s especially the sunny ones
I am a 4 and completely relate with this all.
I am also curious though, when in a group of friends or at an event I always feel OutKast and set apart in a negative way, but I also long to not feel this way. I long to fit in and not feel this way. Is that still considered "4"?
Dr. Tom calls this longing to “fit in, not blend in”!! Totally a 4 thing to want to fit in!
@@lindseyseale3684 thanks! It's so weird being a 4 😂 longing to be special and normal at the same time.
We want the connection but don't know how to get it.🙄
We all have the instinctive desires of multiple types, the core one just beats the others in the battle for our actions. E.g. if you sometimes choose to act slightly off-putting or inappropriately on purpose at average health, in order to feel differentiated and more interesting and special in public, it means your Four instinct is stronger than your conflicting Two, Six, Three or Nine instincts that push you away from being deliberately off-putting. If you were one of those belonging types instead, the proof would be that you would choose to act on those tribe-pleasing instincts instead of the self-distinguishing instinct because those would be stronger. Chestnut's description of an SP Four is just a Nine that has a strong Four instinct that is bothering them because they can't act upon the Four instinct due to the Nine instinct being stronger and incompatible with acting on Four urges.
TLDR; The instinct to fit in is NOT a Four thing, but Fours can still have it nagging at them because we all contain multiple types, not just our core type. It is not coming from your Four it is competing with your Four. The reverse is also true, Sixes and Threes and Nines can want to feel unique because of their Four instinct, they can have Four in them but they don't act on it at the expense of satisfying their core instinct.
@@compulsiverambler1352 interesting. I took this 5 years ago and got a 4 however when I took the test this year totally got a 2 instead. Wondering if 2 fits better now
It's interesting that the arrow of growth for type four is located at the enneagram one fixation. You'd think it would be seven because that would imply the conquering of sadness, but it isn't melancholy that needs to be conquered, rather a lack of action and response. Too bad I'm a lazy turd blossom.
But how can I truly
appreciate others when I don't feel
appreciated?
You appreciate them anyway, without expectation. You don’t look for anything back. It isn’t about you 😄
@@yanikeonpurpose You are right, but I don't feel good that way. 😊
Vladimir Ocokoljić remember you feeling appreciated shouldn’t come from others. That is a feeling that is inherent, or comes from God if you may. If you are looking for appreciation from others you might be acting with conditions, codependency & attachment. You need to learn to detach. This is the direction I am now taking my inner work, learning how to detach from others in healthy ways as this is the most painful part of my earthly experience.
@@yanikeonpurpose Well, maybe it is better to say - it is hard to appreciate others when I don't appreciate myself. But others can affect my motive, that's why I think they are important.
focus on specific aspects that you admire
I’m on the first one , I’m pausing to really “take this in”. I seriously do focus on the flaws of everything. Wow. How does this man know me so well?? Oh also, I am sorta kinda new to learning about enneagram, but my type is 4. It says my wings are balanced. So does that mean I don’t wing towards 3 or 5?
I've been told I talk about the negative too much. If certain aspects are positive....I feel positive is positive so why talk about that. It's the negative..... that needs to be worked out to find solutions to make it a positive.
Totally get what you mean! Sometimes it's easier to focus on the negative, but finding solutions is the key to turning things around.
In my experience, striving and working hard may not be worth it... Reject society before it rejects you (again)
I'll just stand here with my shame sign, we'll wear that for everyone.
five here， trying to develop my wing towards 4
just notice my youtube name is the observer... I made this up 5years ago long bf i realized i was a 5 omg
I am the worst 4 you would ever meet. Aha. I was a big cat trainer for ten years, everything I’ve ever done is different but it is almost unstoppable. Really it just happens.
Which episode teaches how to counter these blind spots.
Every test I've taken ends up being type four. But can I truly be a four if I do not feel like envy is one of my traits?
Would anybody in here have advice on how to cultivate a four's emotional richness after having spun out of control and lost their ability to feel emotion?
What were you willing to do to be accepted by the world?
do 4s tend to be non religious atheist or agnostic?
Not me!
I used to be when I was younger, I am no longer. I think 5's are the most inclined to this belief system, or lack there of.
If everyone in their social sphere is not religious, they might get at least curious about adopting and personally customising a religion as a way to differentiate from the crowd. But more often it seems that when they actually stick at spiritual practice, theistic or otherwise, it sticks because it is used for soothing or personal growth, not just a new identity to try on. It can be both in the same Four though, a customised identity to cling to, and an attempt at overcoming their problems, without recognising the clinging to it for identity as an example of those problems.
Wabi-sabi
4s see negatives that were not implied
4s put themselves in problem while 9s take them out
R Pisces 4?
4s tend to be INFPs in this ESTJ culture.
we sound narcissistic
Borderline/EDPD sounds far more Fourish, NPD far more Threeish, but I think the overlap might be superficial and coincidental, it would be good to see research on that, is an unhealthy Four brain scan the same as a BPD brain scan.
i annoy myself sometimes so i am sure it must affect others lol yeah more brain scans needed on all these to see how it works and how best to treat recover etc
Rude timing for commercials