Type 4 Hard Time Being In The Present
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- Опубликовано: 29 авг 2022
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
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Hello Tom , i am a 4w5
I think I just want to express what's inside of me. When I do express my feelings, i just want loving ears. It's not about lamenting. I wish someone could be welcoming to the internal turmoil that I allowed myself to come outside. At that very moment i do not want anyone to rationalize or analyze my émotions or give advices. I do feel misunderstood listening to your words. It's not about lamenting and wanting to be admired. Feeling so much makes you much more aware of your brokeness.
Most of my friends can't get it and I just shut down. That's the only reason why i don't come up with my feelings. I've litteraly been told " you're too intense" " it's too much for me".
“We’re not trying to exclude you. We all just went for coffee.” Hahaha 🤣
Really enjoyed this as a 4 wing 5 self preserving and found truth in most of it. As I have aged, 44, I’ve come to understand the push/pull dynamic better and when I’m doing it. So being aware helps. Long ago lost the need to feel special lol. Mostly because I had a spiritual awareness that I’m simply not meant to be on earth….which is why I never feel like I fit in with any group. So having awareness of that fact helps me socialize better. And giving myself permission not to socialize is okay and guilt isn’t necessary. Awareness of these things helps so much I think and can help avoid falling into the rabbit hole of depression….no one loves me guess I’ll go eat worms mentality. Another think that helps is turning to God for that unconditional love I seek. Where I’m never disappointed or feel unwanted. But that took years for me to grasp. Also on the picking everything apart looking for flaws I found a way to deal with this as in my career choice. I am an auditor so my job is to find deficiencies. And yes the most attractive people are the emotionally unavailable. Like a moth to a flame. Now if I could figure that one out that would be nice lol. It always leads to heartbreak and disappointment where I self protect and push away or go all in with the wrong people and get hurt which just triggers all the other 4 stuff. So balance and awareness is key. Being content in the now. The past is the past and let it stay there. Being excited for the future but happy in the now. I think 4s are the healers of the world in a way. Capable of great things to help others but usually have so much emotion that we can’t direct it very well. At least I have found that to be true. Telling myself that these are just emotions and temporary feeling helps tremendously as well. Enjoy the videos please keep making 4. ☺️
Extremely insightful! Coming from another 4w5, you express where I am at very well but still battling. Would love to sit and chat with you! Blanche (New Zealand)
@@blanchemackinder4764 thank you. From the heart for sure. Happy to chat anytime. ☺️
I am also a four with a five wing and have been diving deep with spirituality. I also believe that I don’t belong here on earth, I really struggle in groups. But I’m starting to realize it’s OK to take time out for myself and be with myself. In the past I would judge myself and wonder why I don’t belong. I’m OK being with myself.. I feel happier that way😊
Why you are here if you aren't meant to be on earth?
Im also an enneagram 4w5 and spiritual but I am agnostic.I can't just believe in god bcus it is ignorent to do so without any evidence.And I can see why different religions started in the past in days of no constitution,gov & laws.My 5 wing is strong enough to doubt all these
Idk if I’m a 4 but I feel the receiving end of what you’re saying and for me there’s an issue of not feeling able to fix the problems inside (it’s not like we life feeling this way) and desperately hoping someone can help but then also not trusting the advice given by others because we’ve THOUGHT of those things and are hoping for something different. The only thing I’ve found helpful is someone coming right along side and working it through with you but as soon as the person leaves or isn’t there you feel abandoned and can’t take what you learned and move forward alone. It is never about being seen as long suffering or different in that way. But there is a belief if we are seen as unique or special we would then be worthwhile enough to help.
I find these descriptions less relatable for me as I grow up. I don't look back in the past as much or be afraid of being too happy. In the past, I thought being too happy will make others jealous of me so I tone it down. Glad to say that its not like that anymore, I let myself be happy. When others show gratitude, I also say a simple "thank you" and accept it.
My next challenge is to actually do things. I know what I want to do, but developing a system to achieve my goals is still in the process.
Oh wow! I’m 4w3 SP. What a light bulb moment, I had the most awful reverse culture shock when I returned to my home country because it was like the weight of the ordinary was so intense. I totally recognise that I loved being different when living overseas. The problem is now I have been living normal suburban life for about 15 years, it’s excruciating, it’s hard to to stay connected when it is just so dull. And going back in time is such a struggle, I seem to focusing on all the mistakes I’ve made and feeling like life would be better if I had made better choices and wishing I could go back to change my choices.
I can relate to you very much. It’s tried to live a “normal” suburban life for 15 years also and I am burning out and so bored. Can’t take it much longer. Problem is as self-pres 4 I want security so it’s hard to juggle both.
And, we FOR SURE don't understand the "Happy-go-lucky-while-avoiding-everything-painful-" Type 7s.
As a 4, I’d like to give my take on the “suffering on a stage” comment: Yes, AND… in this superficial and distracted world, I feel like I’ve been tasked with showing others how to move through hard feelings (and even trauma.) As you referenced, I have experienced early loss in multiple forms. There was no guidepost for me on how to cope. It’s not so much that I enjoy melancholy, so much as I am familiar with tough emotions and I am no longer afraid of them. I want to show others that you can feel these feelings without them destroying you; you can lean into them. I only want recognition in the sense that it is a skill… and one that our culture simply doesn’t teach. We’re only taught how to avoid, suppress, and distract. My ability to sit, feel, and share is the result of work, not drama.
I’m a type 4 and the point about suffering on a stage 9:42 was very accurate for me. I now understand it as a misguided way to seek unconditional love and acceptance.
“suffering on a stage” LMAO you’re not wrong at all. i’ve caught myself holding onto pain and waiting for someone to come help me
As a self persevering -4/5, I recommend to all *fours* the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, all of his books. The power of now, for example. Cheers and hang on there 4⃣s ♡
This video felt like a therapy session. Amazing. Thank you providing so many good alternatives to our way of thinking, behaving, etc.
I kinda laugh as a 4, because the melancholic side of me, was more me as a teenager- while now I see myself in most of my relationships with people close to me, I really act as a “sunny 4.” I find that I hide my hard and intense emotions from people. I’m always finding it super awkward to connect with people in a real deep way. Your talking strait to me brother ! Intimacy is so tough.
Relatable!
This is sooo accurate ! Especially the living in another country part cause I've been doing that to make myself happy for a long time and now I have no choice but to stay in my home town and I feel out of place, dissatisfied, I try to plan an "escape" constantly 😬 "suffering on a stage" is interesting cause yes I suffer mostly for creating good art. The suffering is not the art but only through suffering I think I could ever be a good artist smh.
Your name is trop 4 hehe
Boy this is true, I’ve lived abroad for over 10 years now and when I go back to visit the states I don’t feel comfortable there anymore for the most part. The suffering part is true too, though I don’t want to be appreciated or acknowledged for it, I wish I can not feel this way much of the time.
Thank you, Tom, for pointing out all these parts! Grateful to be reminded! So helpful!
Social media sends probing questions that make us reflect on the past. When we respond maybe it brings memories or feelings back up not just for 4s but for everyone. Thank you for sharing!
This video came out at a right time for me. The information here has got me thinking and give me an easier time to see the entire picture. For a long while, I realised some of these aspects, but never really had properly connected all the dots in my mind. Thank you for this video, I really appreciate your channel.
Suffering on a stage??
110%!
And, I don't want to punch you at all. We should all (in a perfect world), admit what we see as truth about ourselves. ;)
Very insightful lol and yes there were a few moments where I got in my feelings watching this as a 4w5 and starting being sarcastic and sassy when you would ask a question to 4s lol
This was so good. honestly I resonate with 4w5 and 9w1 and only a professional could tell me which I am but in saying this, there is part of me that REALLY FEELS THE THINgs your saying here, especially when you say “we just all went for coffee. it was nothing against you” that cracked me up. And the advice to just let it go. not feel the need to say something abt it. (other terms perhaps lol) was wow! it’s funny because when it feels like there may be an issue that we might have caused(and we’ve legit convinced ourselves we likely caused it and just incase we need to clear the air so that any misunderstanding is understood) it feels like an elephant in the room. sitting on our chest. 😂😂😂 case in point. this morning something was weighing on me. after your video i told myself. “people have actual lives that have nothing to do with you. let it lie” and then 2 hours went by and before I knew it I had already texted the person to make sure all was well. 😅. when i realized this. i was like. wow girl. you need work. 😂 (meanwhile the air was clear and the weight was gone)😅
I'm a 4, but I don't feel like I missed the special "spot" in the family. I was always very cherished, but yeah later in my life I felt a little bit off in the family, but that was only on my late teens, around that time...
I wonder how many comments were prohibited by youtube. I salute the poor people whos voices were silenced for being authentic.
As a 1, I can go to a 4 when in stress or disintegrating. I feel real melancholy and need to pull my mind out of the past and melancholy to focus on being in the present. This video is good....love your videos, Tom.
Wow I never realized that my grandpa affected me in that way..losing prominence.💡
It’s very helpful
NICE GUITTARES, trying not To envy you 😂😂😂😂
Thank you
I don't like to be sad, but it's hard for me to shut down that system. Trying to understand everything that went wrong. Trying to fix problems that cannot be fixed.
Hey, it's totally normal to feel that way. Take a breather, treat yourself, and know that you're not alone in dealing with tough times.
All 9 types have strengths and challenges. I feel like this video really focuses on the negative aspects of 4s as if the 4 needs to be fixed. Too much othering communication.
Fours are waaaay too self focused and preoccupied for me ...
The morbidity and narrow focus makes me say adios ...
Every time ...
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Fours and how they may not resonate with you.
So much of this comes off as 9 not 4. A lot of attachment type descriptions. Stuff that is withdrawn type but doesn't take into account how reactive triad would effect that. To much empathy given to a 4 too.
Thank you for this video! Love it.
If I can provide a point of feedback: I know we can’t always control it but the sound of the saliva had me a bit irritated. Maybe the mic is too sensitive. Idk.
But thank you for the information, your effort, time and work. ❤
Yeah, I've found myself getting super agitated with his lip-smacking sound as well. It's obviously unconscious, but omg is it making him difficult to listen to!
I am a type 4 and there are somethings you are saying that are not quite like that! Would love to have the opportunity to talk to you about 4s
I’ve heard from other authors that the wound of enneatype 4 happens during month 3 to 6 (oral phase) where the mother cannot give them enough attention for whatever reason. Are you familiar with this thoery?
what book are you mentioning in this video?
I am INFJ-T 4w5. Hello. 🤗
This sounds, 2me, like you are really into fixing and criticising No4s ....rather than understanding them......which is a bit weird as you know that no4s need to be understood rather than fixed or 'cheered up'. I have listened to your past talks and they were spot on, this one seemed like an impatient rant against no4s who maybe upsetting your sunny no7 take on life.......love from, obviously, a No4. ..!!!! xxx
yeah child abuse ,poverty are real reasons otherwise its just narcissism and claiming to be a type 4 while not resolving core issues instead using spiritual bypassing and projective identification , or at best having a 4 in the tri type
Identifies with flawed self
Idealizes what’s distant
Romance as idealized fantasy
Things are off
Sp 4 doesn’t wanna be difficult
So bad, leave it behind
I like you so much but you don't get 4's very well. It is real, not an act, not for getting others to see it or anything like that
😂 it's not... It's a scream for attantion
You're looking a bit burnt out today, Tom.... all okay?
I personally think 4s frustrate him 😉
iiiiiii
I feel like I’m self-preservation 4w3 but I do let people in when I feel safe to do so. I do worry that I’ll overwhelm them or that they will misunderstand or simply not be able to understand… but also things happened that made me really start to go outside of this. I like to talk about emotions and experiences but I just try to do so outside of a personal level. I just like to share what I learned and discovered about emotions and causes behind them etc. (I’m ENFP so I think that matters too…) I thought I was a 7… hehe.. but I guess it’s that self preservation because when I look back I have always had the melancholic side (that people usually don’t see) and always felt strongly about being myself and staying true to the self and authentic.
Am I oversharing now? 🤔 I’ll stop here.. but I kinda just wanted to say that I think, personally, I look back in the past because I’m trying to figure out how things affected me, so I can figure out what the problem is and maybe if ai figure it out I’ll be able to fix myself! 🥲 (And I learned ALOT by looking back at the past now that I can see it with more mature eyes.)
Funny cause I even wanted to avoid this video (4) 🥲