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I have a baby 8 months with severe eczema. I cannot help her by making sleep routine, feeding practices ‘……nothing!! She always start scratching . Can u help making some videos on this type of child?
3 Key Points: 1. Instead of saying "You're okay", say things like "Oh that really hurt. Would a band-aid help your leg feel better?". - This is to acknowledge their feelings, letting them know that their feelings matter, and encouraging them to talk about what they are feeling. 2. Instead of saying "Use your words", say things like "You're frustrated because you can't reach that truck. You can't reach that truck. Here it is.". - This is to consistently help label/naming their emotions, develop their language, for them to express themselves more clearly and confidently in the future. 3. Instead of saying "Put on your joggers, because I said so", say things like "I know you want to go to the playground, but I need to go grocery shopping today. How about we go tomorrow instead." - This is to help them understand the why (reason) behind your decision, and to help them think critically. - If they are still frustrated/yell/scream, acknowledge their feelings, BUT do not do it repeatedly. - (From the next video) Just be there with them. Sit quietly beside them, offer a hug, stroke their head, etc. Simply be quiet and maintain a comforting experience. - (From the next video) Say things like "I know you're upset and that's okay. I'm here when you're ready for a hug or a chat." This sends a message that you're there and supportive. (From the next video) Saying "Stop crying", "It's no big deal.", tells them that their feelings don't matter. Instead, help them understand their feelings and how to handle them. Do things like: - Understand what they're feeling - Teach them how you handle those feelings. E.g. how to calm down, how to express their feelings without causing damage, or even how to fix whatever problem that has upset them. - Stay calm and guide them. - *This is the hardest part of being a parent."
As someone who's both a mom, someone with a background in psychology and a child care worker, these are quite good! I do use variations of them, though. Like for the first one I start with identifying what happened "oh, that hurt, oh you fell down!" But then, instead of saying "you're okay" I say "you're •going to be• okay" which is basically saying it hurts now but you're going to survive. It's a small change but it feels like a good distinction. I only do "use your words" when I know they're capable. For example, a kid who knows how to ask for more milk waves his cup at me. I ask him to use his words because I know he knows how to ask. When they're upset & not talking I say "show me what you need/want" to see if they can demonstrate it if they don't have words yet. As for the "because I said so" I have •never• said because I said so, I think it's unjustly domineering. I do always try to lead with an explanation. For example, I say "okay, lunch is coming in 10 minutes. We need to clean up the toys." If I get pushback and they say why instead of saying "because I said so" I reiterate "because lunch is coming soon" and also add "because I asked nicely." I feel like "because I asked nicely" models to them that you are showing respect: when someone politely asks you to do something reasonable to help out, you don't always have to know every single detail. Yet, toddlers are still trying to figure out how the world works and cause and effect so I don't mind explaining a reason basically every time. But understanding politeness and respect for a simple request is a good life skill. It's courtesy. Great video!!! ❤
My kiddo would flip out if made a mess or similar thing and I used to say "it's okay" and kiddo would loudly state, "It's NOT ok!" and I realized they were right. It wasn't ok there was a mess or they had an accident. What I was meaning was we can make it better or fix it. So I started saying We can fix this, or It will be ok. But it all comes back to the same thing. Acknowledging their feelings are valid (and identifying them with toddlers) and working together to come up with solutions.
So I think that what a lot of people mean when they say "you're OK" is "you're SAFE." I've been saying that to my toddler and I think it helps him feel better. It also doesn't interfere with processing the emotion, talking about how it hurts or was scary, etc.
This. I don’t think it’s the words at all, it’s the environment and actions of your parents. I don’t think your mom saying you’re okay will make you not want to share your feelings with her, it’s her dismissiveness as a whole in daily life. Wanting to share something with them and they wave you off. If my partner came up to me after I fell and said, “You’re okay” while proceeding to help me up and give me a hug I wouldn’t feel dismissed at all.
I agree that it's more about the intention behind the phrase. And it's not that our children's feelings (whether male or female) are not important, but that an older, wiser person is reassuring them, that even if this feels like the end of the world, it's not. I've tried to first acknowledge my child's distress ("That really hurt didn't it" or "Did that scare you?"), and then tell them, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you WILL be ok." For me personally as a kid, it helped to know that my parents were confident about something because I trusted them. One of my sons (I have 3) who is 4 will now say after getting hurt (minor bumps, etc), "Oh yeah, my body can heal me, I'll be ok!" Imo, it's a sense of empowerment rather than just wallowing in self-pity or misplaced fear (for too long anyway, lol). For reference, I treated my girl the same way when she was little ;)
Still these examples sounds like the child could come to look to others for feeling better instead of going *through* the process themselves, feeling their fright, anger etc, and just being held/contained safely in the adults presence/caress. Without the assurance of 'you're ok', because I feel this could 'toughen' up the kids to their own emotions. Not displaying their feelings when around other kids in less safe contsined spaces with more people and 'threat', making it less comfortable for other kids (and down the line, adults in workplaces, public, etc) to express themselves vulnerably too. Lets comment here when the kids are all older ;) I feel focusing on the physical is more importsnt here instead of mentalising it for them (and then could talk about it afterward if they feel) Yes I'm one of those kids that was raised to think i didnt ever have anything worth care/attention/healing and so never sought comfort from others and it really closes you off to the world because there is never ever a circumstance demanding enough of others. 'You're fine, your body will fix everything' . Sets up for isolation.
@@DisguisedEnigma My oldest is 21 - is that old enough? He still expresses his feelings/needs just fine to me, his dad and other people in his life, but is also capable of independently handling the pressure of his own life (lives on his own, has a full time job, girlfriend, etc). He's pretty balanced. I'm not quite sure what point you're trying to make. In your first sentence you say the child could come to look to others to feel better instead of going through the process themselves, but in the last sentence you posture that telling a child "You're ok" will ultimately make them feel isolated ... Which is it? Should they go it alone or seek other's reassurance? There's a difference between being told, "You're ok" as a dismissal vs. "You're ok" as a comfort. It's about the delivery as the original comment states. My children understanding their bodies can heal them (which is just a fact and focuses on the physical) has not given them the impression they cannot talk to me about their feelings or should isolate themselves. They express themselves just fine (including negative emotions) and have no trouble seeking us parents out as needed. There's a balance to be struck. The ability to feel the feeling ("That really hurt") and seek help as needed without getting stuck in the feeling ("I'll be ok") or becoming too dependent on others. When it comes to feelings involving other people, we can teach our children to pick their battles. Time and place. In any case, I feel like all of this is taking a simple comment (or phrase like "You're ok") and completely overanalyzing it. Sometimes it's not that deep ;)
If my daughter falls, the first thing I do is try to assess if they are really hurt. I don't act scared. I calmly ASK if they are ok as I calmly move toward her. I aknowledge that they fell and ask if they can get up. Then I ask if there is an ouchie, ouchie in a humorous way. If she laughts, I laugh with her. If she cries, I pick her up and hug her and ask her where it it hurts and comforts her saying that daddy is here, etc.
From pregnancy to now with my current 18 month old, you have been the BEST Emma!! I’ve modeled my parenting after your videos and am a better person overall for it. So grateful!!
Bad move. There isn't a one size fits all approach. Take some advice, yes, modelling your parenting after someone else, not good. Steer clear of this hyper-western, montessori style parenting crap. We're going to have a generation of emotionally underdeveloped bigots if this continues.
I typically don't search for parenting advice online, but I watched her potty training video, which was excellent. Everything she says has worked really well so far for my daughter. Thanks so much!
I love this advice! When my toddler falls I usually say "did it hurt you or scared you?" She's too young to answer yet but I like to think it's helping her to realize if she's not in pain she's just scared. Open to thoughts on that!
I do the same, saying something "oh you fell! I see you're upset - are you hurt or did it scare you?" and my daughter generally does tell me where it hurts or if she was just scared
Very timely video, we have been struggling here with our two year old. Toddler communication is already difficult enough without making it worse due to my own actions.
I notice that I say, "You're alright, its okay." to my son a lot when he falls down/gets hurt, but usually I do check him and ask him IF he is okay, first, and hold him if he's crying and tell him, "Mommy's here, I got you." And then I have many times asked him to "use his words" when he's throwing a fit, but I have noticed that makes him get more frustrated, sometimes. So I started asking him questions when he's having a tantrum. I will say, "What's wrong, baby?" And he will sometimes calm down more and do his little toddler blabbers that I don't fully understand lol. Or I'll say, "Are you thirsty?" And if he is, he will say, "Yea, I Borsty"😂(just thought that was cute and wanted to share❤) or even "Are you Hungry?" And I rub my belly. If he is, he will say, "Yeah, I ungy." 😭💖 He HATES when I ask him if he's tired, though. He absolutely refuses to nap or sleep most of the time. 😭🤣 I'm trying to do better, and I appreciate this video a lot because I can utilize what you've said here and help him more. 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
My mom always said "you're okay" and I still feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings with her, also have difficulty managing relationships. This is so true. We can do better. I have a three year old son. I ask are you okay? Are you hurt and hold him till he is ready to get up. He doesn't stay down for long 😅
07:18 Because I said so'-guilty! 😅 This video really opened my eyes to how that phrase shuts down their curiosity and learning. From now on, I’ll make more of an effort to explain the 'why' behind my decisions. Thank you!
My little one is only 6 weeks old, but I remember my dad using the “because I said so” phrase a lot growing up. I made a mental note a long time ago to NEVER say that to my own children, it really killed my curiosity and my trust in going to him with questions. My daughter will be encouraged to always ask questions and never stop learning.
I've made a conscious effort to try to not say this to my toddler too, but I feel there are situations where it's more of a problem that I don't know HOW to explain the why at their level of comprehension. It really does feel like a shortcut, and sometimes I'm not sure how else to explain it. There's almost a balance of still needing to assert authority in a kinder manner.
In the olden days, long long ago, what adults used to say to comfort a child went along the lines of… “(soothing voice) there, there…. There, there…. (Hugging wailing child and gently patting back)You hurt your knee when you fell over…. It hurts, I know…. (Wailing subsides) There now… stop crying and let’s put a bandaid on it…. “. None of this frantic “it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok” when everyone and especially the child knows it’s not ok.
I keep hopping on to watch more of your videos when I can during these fleeting daytime naps. Thank you, by the way, for recommending the Oball. Anika doesn't have much interest in handling any of the other toys I got for her yet, but she *adores* that thing and it's really enticing her to keep practicing!
My switch for "because I said so" is "I know you want to but we are in a hurry this time". E.g. If she wants to look for a specific shoe before we go out the door. I might say "we are in hurry today, please wear this one and we can look for that one together tomorrow" And then thank her for being fast/quick when she complies and try to follow through with what I said. Seems to work well for my 3yo and it doesn't seem to trigger a chain of "why"s like giving more detailed reasons seem to.
Thank you Emma! We've been loving your videos lately and its been super helpful - Have definitely noticed a big change in our bubbas development with little tweaks from watching these
I once told my toddler that you're okay. He was so frustrated to tell me, "Mama, I am not okay! I want to cry." I appreciate he told me that because I feel a part of me always needs to act like I am good to people. I am from Asia, and my parents never listen to my feelings. My kids help me know that it's okay to tell people your feelings. Thanks a lot for this video.
When my toddlers can't use their words, I ask them to show me or to point. This sometimes works and then I can label and say the phrase for them, for example "oh you wanted to eat peas for dinner". It's difficult to walk the fine line between rewarding good communication and not enabling bad behavior as they're quickly learning screaming gets them what they want.
As a mother of a sixth month old, this idea of not saying "you're okay" hit hard... Not only did I recently twist my ankle ( which as an example made a lot of sense) , but I've realized that this is how I was treated growing up. It caused a level of anxious attachment and feeling unheard. I'm so glad that I subscribed to your channel, because this is exactly what I need to hear in order to make better decisions moving forward! 😢
My mother always used, because i said so. Or if i asked why. She would just say. That's why. Which kind of lead me to create a behavior to always depend on others because, like my mother, they probably know best. Which only leads to getting used by people
I'm so sorry to hear that you had that experience growing up. It’s tough when we’re not given the space to ask questions or understand the 'why' behind decisions, and it’s natural for that to shape how we navigate the world later on. But the fact that you recognize this now is such a powerful step! You’re breaking the cycle and creating space for more open communication, which will be so valuable as you continue your own journey and, if you're a parent, in how you raise your child. You deserve to trust your own instincts, and your voice matters!
@EmmaHubbard it sadly, is not the worst she had done. But recently, I finally got to the core of that and discovered a link to certain behaviors of mine that grew out of that. Which, in retrospect, took me almost 20 years of not seeing it to see it but not understating to finally connect the dots. It was content of the channel healthygamergg that got me to connect the dots. I am grateful that channels like that and like yours exist. You really are helping and changing lives.
Thanks so much! I knew that I shouldn't say "you're okay", as you're right, in that moment, they aren't, because they just hurt themselves. I didn't realise I shouldn't be saying "use your words" though and that is definitely something I started saying recently. Your explanation makes a lot of sense though. I will try to validate and label their feelings instead of saying that phrase. My son is only 22 months old, so he still needs me to teach him what emotion he is feeling. When he cries, he doesn't know he's sad or frustrated etc. Thanks for the reminder! :)
I have been saying “you’re okay” whenever my 14 months old falls or trips and hurts himself. I didn’t know that was wrong 😢 now I know what is the right thing to say, thank you so much!!
You're so welcome! Also, don’t be hard on yourself-it's completely natural to want to comfort your little one in the moment and saying it a few times isn't wrong. Now that you know a different approach, you’re already taking steps to help your toddler feel understood and supported. You're doing an amazing job, and your awareness will make a big difference as your little one grows. 💕
I don't have any children, and I don't know if I ever will. But I'm subscribed now, because this is all so interesting. I think this is helpful for anyone to watch. Because we all probably interact with children once in a while, even if it's just a stranger's children in passing.
I always hated being told “you’re okay” as a kid because I always felt like they didn’t actually want to help me through it. It felt dismissive. To this day, I feel like a burden when I’m told that when I’m trying to explain something I’m struggling with. I try not to say it to my daughter, but it’s definitely hard to break the cycle.
My mom would say "I'm here, you're OK/it's going to be OK". The small change makes a world of difference. The situation is not OK, the child is in distress, but I've got you and I'll make sure you're fine and make you feel better.
I'm the same way, I really only say it with my son's when they were having a crying fit as babies and honestly it was more for me than them. 😅 The chanting and hopping helped. As my toddler got older I would ask what hurt and if he could show me. Usually after lots of hugs and kisses to calm him down. And I would tell him "I got you" instead of you're ok and at the end of it all I say I know it still hurts you'll be ok soon 😊 and I check up on him later too. It's what I wanted to hear as a kid and what my parents typically did too.
They have no reference at a very young age to know if they are "ok". They may think something terrible has happened, and are reacting to a worst case scenario. Hearing reassurance from a loved one at that age can be calming. If the injury is indeed serious, they will understand that by being brought to the hospital.
Wow what a great explanation on “it’s okay” I constantly say that to my toddler thinking I m soothing him. Clearly I m dismissing his emotions. Thank you thank you. Best channel ever !!! 😊
Thank you! So it's me(28y), my boyfriend(30y), our son (4 y) & our daughter (6 m) I mean yes: children do get hurt or fell down often. It doesn't matter who is there to take care of them at the time. I stayed at home for 1½ years with my son, so narurally things happened more often with my supervision than with daddys. I always get the blame because: "You're here so NOTHING can happen to them!" It seems like nobody I talk to can understand how children work! Like when people say: "If that was my kid, I would never let him do THIS!" Children have their own mind & personality... & NEED to learn how to make their own decisions & mistakes. Imagine wraping them into bubble wrap & let them bob through life & if they get a papercut at 18 years old they loose their mind because nothing like this had ever happen to them... Anyways: The friends of my boyfriend, who are like his family (not so much mine), always say that I am too protective & shout chill out more when for example: Son had slipped & fallen down. He cries & stays in that one spot. Of course I need to look if everything is okay (except if he just bounces away & is happy). But if not I go down on his level & aks him simple questions (calmly): Me: "Oh, did you fell down?" Him: "yes." Me: "Are you hurt?" Him: "yes." Me: "much or little?" Him: "little." Me: "should we dry of your eyes?" Him: "yes." Then we cuddle or I need to blow on the spot he was hurt or he just goes & does his thing. I can't express myself very good sorry, but I hope you understand what I mean! (russian living in germany) I don't baby him. I talk to him because I respect him. I want him to learn that his feelings are valid & that he can cry if he feel like he needs to. Sometimes I get angry inside when I hear the friends of my boyfriend say: "Nothing happened! He's okay!" across the room & not even TO him!!! This words "NOTHING HAPPENED" seem so toxic to me! As if he doesn't even matter,..or It's not worth talking about... The only thing he would learn throught that, is that his feelings are not real & only the things the others say is true. He needs to be able to refulate himself, but not from day one. If he is lost we should be there to catch & guide him. Sorry for the long post.
I would also emphasize our validation has to be genuine, or else the words just become empty felt. Nothing worse than hearing the right words, but feeling a sense of vague fakeness to it.
So glad for your chanel. Its so informative. I write notes on cards of parenting asvice and put them where i can see them throughout the day. New behaviors need to be reinforced to be learned.
I realized the first one early on when learning about helping toddlers identify and label their emotions. It helped to diffuse so many tantrums and screaming to acknowledge what they were feeling. I use it with many kids I teach or care for...I see it so much in nursery or childcare situations where the toddler is crying cuz they miss mom or dad and the caretaker is trying to distract with toys, books, snacks. Imagine how insane we would feel if our partner or kid suddenly was gone and no one around us listens but tries to give us food or things. I'd have a chat with the kiddo and acknowledge they were sad or miss mommy, but mommy will be back after (whatever) and she has to sing music right now or whatever it was, and then we will see her again, right? I then tried to distract asking about the other family like siblings and maybe things they do together. I'd offer toys or activities I know they love and even though there were still some tears and sniffling as they felt those emotions, I saw the distress just drop and then they were working on calming down and within a few minutes were ok. I had the hardest time convincing my parents to stop responding with "you're ok" to my kids. I had to explain why a few times with examples, especially the reason of I am trying to teach my kid about empathy and model how I want them to react to other kids being hurt. I don't want my kid to crash into another kid and flippantly call out "you're ok!!" It seemed so callous. I'd much rather my kid stop and say they know it hurts and get them a ice pack or go to their mom etc. Soon after explaining this to my mom, I got another excellent example. An older kiddo fell on the playground and hit their mouth, causing pain and bleeding. All us moms were there talking so many adults to help the situation. But so many pulling out the you're ok. No, kid is not ok, it hurts a lot and they can see the blood from their mouth on their hand and are freaking out. I always have an ice pack so I sat kiddo down with it and held their hand said yeah, it hurts doesnt it? Let's check your teeth and things, ok just looks like some bleeding on your mouth, I think your teeth just cut your lip a bit so no missing teeth, that's good. etc etc. After sharing that story with my mom, it really helped click with her that it's not the best response. Whats crazy is I was so good about theses things when kiddo was a toddler. But now with kiddo a few years older, I forget the emotions and regulation is still big and being worked on and I need to model appropriate responses and still acknowledge their feelings. I think we want kids to stop doing things so we skip past allowing the thoughts and emotions and go straight to be like an adult. My kid says they don't like school or reading/math/etc and my initial response is too bad, sucks but you gotta do it. Yes, and we get there eventually with the conversation, but I need to stop begin triggered by kiddo stating their thoughts and emotions because of the meaning I'm attaching to it. I need these videos as reminders and work to incorporate it with older kids who have more words, yes, but just as many emotions and needs to learn how to navigate them in a healthy way (which means me learning to do that!)
I agree but I think it’s important to assess the situation and acknowledge their emotions first (for the point she brought up of not dismissing their feelings in the moment) and then tell them “you’re ok” when you actually know they are
I believe this is solved with the phrases "you will BE OK" or "you are safe", depending on the situation. It assures them without projecting the feelings onto them in the moment.
My son when he gets hurt asks me am I ok? Ok!? I say yep ur ok!!!! 🥰 Last night he was coughing I said r u ok!? He said no not ok 🤧 If I cough my son will me R u ok!? I say yep 🥰 I’m ok He says oh good So ok is a perfectly perfect word and expression in my home
Please show your kids you respect their needs and take them serious. My mother sometimes laughed about me and until today (I am 39) she calls me "child". So I don't feel like she sees me as a logical thinking and feeling person. This still hurts me.
In the country where I was born, when someone falls, we will rush to help, ask the person if they feel pain, if they need help. Even if they say No, we will try to hold them up. If a child falls, we will hug, saying "I know, it hurts, sorry". I felt being cared and supported when I was there. When I first came to the US, I fell because people let their food drop on the floor. I was in horrible pain, could not get up. The whole room laughed at me. I was stunned by their heartlessness.
Great advice i often catch myself using because I said so, or you're ok i didn't realize i wasn't validating my sons emotions do u have a video with tips of poop training my 3 almost 4 year old is stubborn when it comes to pooping in the potty
Glad you found the video helpful. Pooping on the toilet is often a tricky/scary thing for children. In this video I go though the steps on how to get them pooping on the toilet - ruclips.net/video/n1kPzW8fgHE/видео.htmlsi=GG7EdqSYI7nB-68M I hope it helps!
Good tips thanks for your helpful videos. I just saw the ms Rachel video and I disagree w at one. My boys are 18 months and I’ve figured out they mimic ms Rachel all the time, and I can get them to say almost anything using the ‘put it on, put it on, put it …..’ model
I find myself always asking "are you ok?" Instead of saying "you're ok." Or "it's ok" like what my partner does. It just didn't feel right whenever our little one hurts herself. So far, we're doing well with the other phrases.😊
Because I said so is a valid response. I almost always tell my children the reason when I am speaking to them. For instance, "Don't touch that, it is sharp and could hurt you." They still respond with, "How come." My next response is, "Because I said so." I want them to learn to trust me and some things are too complicated to explain the reason. They need to learn to quickly respond to what I say simply based on the fact I am the adult and I know what is best.
She’s RIGHT! It’s the emotional Psychology of it, not the Intention! Move the ego out of the way that’s getting “triggered” by what she’s saying! It’s not about you it’s about the child and their inability to read your “Intention” behind using these phrases; the child only hears the WORDS being spoken to them. It can create cognitive dissonance by telling them “you’re okay” when CLEARLY they’re not FEELING okay! It’s confusing and devaluing for a child 🤍🙏
When my baby falls or trips, he does not really cry so i tell him to get up, unless when he feels hurt after falling and cries i attend to him and try to understand where it hurts, he's 18 months old...
I never told mine to just "get up" when he felt and didn't cry. Now that he's a toddler it turns out he has autism and even when you know that he got hurt for sure he wont cry. For example, he has smashed his toes multiple times against a small step/division on the floor and the toenails have been torn/split and bleed and he just keep on running around. You do you, but it won't hurt to attend your 18 month even if he doesn't cry when he trips or falls, just saying in case he has a sensory thing or autism (mine has both). Hopefully not your case, but it can't be told until they're evaluated and the soonest is at toddler age. ❤
I remember how annoying it was to be told "because I said so" as a child. Even worse, if I asked why, I was often accused of trying to argue about it or having an attitude. No, I was a child who wanted to understand why. Sure, sometimes I wanted to know whether my mom actually had a reason, but that's mostly because I didn't get why she wouldn't just explain it to me. If she offered a reasonable explanation, I would typically drop it. Looking back, I feel like my parents often expected me to just "know better" without actually teaching me.
Exactly. Children deserve an explanation. 'Because I said so,' always felt like a cop out to me and was just something domineering people (my parents) said to get their way.
I'm a Christian mom. I say "are you okay? Show mommy what's hurts, then when she shows me we pray and ask Jesus to heal them and then I gave a snuggle, kiss and ask if she's ready to go back out or if she'd like to take a break. Showing her that going to God in times of trouble is the best thing I've added to our problem solving skills
When my child falls, i look at them, once they start to show the emotional response of the pain. I state. Ok, before you're emotions elevate more, check your body. All five of my kids can assess a situation extremely quickly and allow themselves to feel the pain and hold back the emotions so they can properly determine if they are hurt or injured. Being injured is a completely different situation than if you are hurt... So, for that pause they assessed, at a very young age i assessed first, then I ask, very sweetly, did that hurt? You're not injured baby, but I'm sure it hurts. Then i hold them. And let them cry. When they got older they didn't need my help to assess very often, none have broken a bone yet, lost a tooth though. As they matured more they didn't need my help consoling them either. I've never been more proud to watch these little humans turn to adults and no longer need me in this capacity.
saying something hurts can also trigger a pain reaction even if they don't have pain and are just shocked. i would say don't fill in the blank spaces and let your child decide how to feel. your are one and oow that hurts sends a message like: oow this should not hurt vs oow this should hurt.
Thanks! My 7 month old just started standing up by holding on to the coffee table. And his second favorite thing to do is parkour under the dinner table😂 In other words theres lots of blue bumps on his knees and face!
Hi Emma, I have a 4 yo son. Sometimes when he is angry, he hit me or screaming at public. I tell him you can be angry, but you should not hit people. When you are angry, scream at the pillow. And when you are angry in public, wait until we got home to scream at the pillow. And we made a deal if he hit people or made a scene in public, no screen time for today ( his screen time start at 5pm until 7 pm) For now it seems effective. But somehow I'm still not sure if it will bring bad long term effect. What do you think?
i never say you are ok if my children fall i ask if they are ok and if anything hurts i guess my way of teaching them to assess situation and when they say yes i ask them where does it hurt they generally point to the hurt area and then i offer them options depending on what they hurt if its just a scratch i ask if they want to wash it off and put a bandage on it or if they want to put some ointment on it (if its a decent scratch) and i also offer to help them back up then i ask if they want a hug and for mommy to show them how you climb the jungle gym or ride the bike or whatever it is they are doing .....is that a bad approach or is it a ok approach sorry it didnt come up in the video but a phrase similar did so i was curious 😅🙏
Do these apply to older children as well? I’m a step mom to two older girls and I just had my baby girl, so I’m a first time mom of differing age groups. I’m asking because I don’t want to make the older two feel alienated from me while I’m still learning to be a mom.
Would someone please help me find the next video about what to say instead of validating feelings too much? I probably do that, and I need to know what to do instead
Yeah, the second one really takes knowing your kids habits. Parents have to really get to know their kids intricacies. It helps to cycle quickly through the potential things your kids want.
My MIL says all of these all the time with my children. I’m sure it’s because (as many of us) she was also told this as a child. I’ve tried modeling/showing alternative responses when this happens, but she’s not catching on. Do I just let it happen or do I gently confront her?
To all those “you’re ok” people ……:- imagine you fall/trip over, face forward - you see the ground coming towards your face but you’re unable to stop it. You hit your nose/ cheek /forehead/ chin and it really hurts; no big wounds, but the fall has scared the hell out of you. Now you get up… how do you feel? Forget the scuffed chin, how do you feel in yourself?
I'm pretty sure all the parents I know including myself say "you're okay" to mean you're not going to get worse and the pain will get better, and immediately follow it with "where does it hurt? Can I kiss the boo-boo? I'm sorry that happened that hurts." So it's really just a stand-in phrase like "now now" or "there there" while a parent is processing before validating their feelings and offering comfort. Luckily your video is basically agreeing with our approach, we both believe in validating experience and taking time to comfort. But I don't see a problem with the phrase itself. Phrases like that are pretty meaningless to toddlers as they don't understand any of the nuance to language. Instead they serve to identify and associate with a situation. The daycare is using the phrase in a caring soothing way as well so sometimes consistency is more important than the best choice of words IMHO. There's a reasonable argument that we might as well train ourselves with better phrases as our children get older and may start to understand the connotation of "you're okay", which is essentially an invalidation of feelings. So I agree with you mostly but I don't see "you're okay" being inherently terrible especially with toddlers.
I think everything would be easier if we just treat our children exactly how we would like to be treated. Children understands a lot, even babies who are guided by our tone voice. I think we shouldn't understimate them, just because we see them so tiny, it's disrespect. And also, when we promise them something(see no.3, example with park), we should always keep it. Sincerely, from a toddler's mom and pediatrician who saw too often those situations
My husband has a tendency to say "nothing happened" when our daughter falls while he also picks her up hastily and rocks her as if he himself is in panic but he is working on it after İ explained what effect it can have. İ can blurt it out sometimes as well but most of the time İ try to say something like "İ can see it hurt, let me hug you while the pain goes away" or "İ can see you bumped your head, do you want me to kiss you where it hurts?".
I would like to know what to say to a 15 month old who is banging toys on a glass door? I have tried to distract him, ignore him, praise him when he does something good, play with him. He is too young to understand the consequences of breaking glass, but he knows he is doing something bad. Any suggestions? Thanks
I watched Emma videos and i did changed and practiced some of her recommendation. But some times i do wonder our parents (my parent) don't do these when raising us and we turn out ok, "hardie" enough. To compare current gen kids, so much fragile and less resilient when come to facing challenge or difficulties, make me wonder are we over, too much concern on their "feeling"?
I feel like when my niece falls she immediately looks at us adults to assess what to do. If I act concerned she will cry. If I don’t make a big deal about it she will usually just get up and get on with it. She’s 16months so she’s not able to verbalise much yet. I want her to feel safe expressing herself but i don’t want to encourage negative emotions
If your baby has trouble facing both sides equally it can be a sign of torticollis. It can be fixed but it's important to get it checked out soon because it can lead to a misformed head shape.
Well, I came here to upskill on my parenting but I have instead come to realise why I don't share anything with my mum. When I would get hurt as a young child, I'd show mum with the expectation of at least getting a plaster but instead, she would ask "do you want a medal?". I gradually stopped sharing big and small things with her. We have a superficial relationship now. I am actively learning to do better
Lol yeah my dad's response to something hurting was "you want me to chop it off?" He is a doctor and thought it was funny. Thankfully my mom was the one staying home with us and she was much more compassionate!
4:30 just let them wear the rain boots, face whatever natural consequence of their decision there will be and learn & grow from their mistake. The only right solution in that case.
I feel like tone of voice in this situation matters more than the words. "You're OK" is said caringly and accompanied with physical comfort. Does any parent really say it stone cold and walk away from their kid? Lol
Of course they can fall and be okay. If they get hurt badly they are not okay. But if they just fall and cry because they are scared nothing really happened to them so they are okay.
I’ve been saying “use your words” on my 4yo because she has delayed speech. I usually follow “use your words” with a question about what she might be trying to express, like “Did you want something to eat?” when she tries to open the fridge. I don’t know if my use is ok or not now
Why don't you just ask the question, like the example you provided ("Did you want something to eat?")? Saying "use your words" to a child with delayed speech is particularly mean. I would even say: it's cruel. Just because you follow up with a question, it doesn't mean that "use your words" is still okay to say. Emma was very clear that that phrase is not okay.
Thanks for watching! Don't forget to get your free copy of the guide - 8 Parenting Phrases to Rethink & What to Say Instead: brightestbeginning.com/bb_optin/8-common-parenting-phrases-to-rethink/?lead_source=youtube_198
I've been trying to download the 8 Parenting Phrases, but the link on the website doesn't work when I click "Send me the Guide"
I have a baby 8 months with severe eczema. I cannot help her by making sleep routine, feeding practices ‘……nothing!! She always start scratching . Can u help making some videos on this type of child?
3 Key Points:
1. Instead of saying "You're okay", say things like "Oh that really hurt. Would a band-aid help your leg feel better?".
- This is to acknowledge their feelings, letting them know that their feelings matter, and encouraging them to talk about what they are feeling.
2. Instead of saying "Use your words", say things like "You're frustrated because you can't reach that truck. You can't reach that truck. Here it is.".
- This is to consistently help label/naming their emotions, develop their language, for them to express themselves more clearly and confidently in the future.
3. Instead of saying "Put on your joggers, because I said so", say things like "I know you want to go to the playground, but I need to go grocery shopping today. How about we go tomorrow instead."
- This is to help them understand the why (reason) behind your decision, and to help them think critically.
- If they are still frustrated/yell/scream, acknowledge their feelings, BUT do not do it repeatedly.
- (From the next video) Just be there with them. Sit quietly beside them, offer a hug, stroke their head, etc. Simply be quiet and maintain a comforting experience.
- (From the next video) Say things like "I know you're upset and that's okay. I'm here when you're ready for a hug or a chat." This sends a message that you're there and supportive.
(From the next video) Saying "Stop crying", "It's no big deal.", tells them that their feelings don't matter.
Instead, help them understand their feelings and how to handle them.
Do things like:
- Understand what they're feeling
- Teach them how you handle those feelings. E.g. how to calm down, how to express their feelings without causing damage, or even how to fix whatever problem that has upset them.
- Stay calm and guide them.
- *This is the hardest part of being a parent."
@@Tenebrisvis Agreed! There are many family and environmental factors in play, and this method isn't suited for all.
Thank you! 🫶🏻
As someone who's both a mom, someone with a background in psychology and a child care worker, these are quite good! I do use variations of them, though.
Like for the first one I start with identifying what happened "oh, that hurt, oh you fell down!" But then, instead of saying "you're okay" I say "you're •going to be• okay" which is basically saying it hurts now but you're going to survive. It's a small change but it feels like a good distinction.
I only do "use your words" when I know they're capable. For example, a kid who knows how to ask for more milk waves his cup at me. I ask him to use his words because I know he knows how to ask. When they're upset & not talking I say "show me what you need/want" to see if they can demonstrate it if they don't have words yet.
As for the "because I said so" I have •never• said because I said so, I think it's unjustly domineering. I do always try to lead with an explanation. For example, I say "okay, lunch is coming in 10 minutes. We need to clean up the toys." If I get pushback and they say why instead of saying "because I said so" I reiterate "because lunch is coming soon" and also add "because I asked nicely." I feel like "because I asked nicely" models to them that you are showing respect: when someone politely asks you to do something reasonable to help out, you don't always have to know every single detail. Yet, toddlers are still trying to figure out how the world works and cause and effect so I don't mind explaining a reason basically every time. But understanding politeness and respect for a simple request is a good life skill. It's courtesy.
Great video!!! ❤
My kiddo would flip out if made a mess or similar thing and I used to say "it's okay" and kiddo would loudly state, "It's NOT ok!" and I realized they were right. It wasn't ok there was a mess or they had an accident. What I was meaning was we can make it better or fix it. So I started saying We can fix this, or It will be ok. But it all comes back to the same thing. Acknowledging their feelings are valid (and identifying them with toddlers) and working together to come up with solutions.
That awkward moment I learn about my own childhood instead of just doing better for my own baby 😅
Yeah, it kinda stings at times. 😄😅
That healing moment!
You’re okay 😂
So I think that what a lot of people mean when they say "you're OK" is "you're SAFE." I've been saying that to my toddler and I think it helps him feel better. It also doesn't interfere with processing the emotion, talking about how it hurts or was scary, etc.
This. I don’t think it’s the words at all, it’s the environment and actions of your parents. I don’t think your mom saying you’re okay will make you not want to share your feelings with her, it’s her dismissiveness as a whole in daily life. Wanting to share something with them and they wave you off. If my partner came up to me after I fell and said, “You’re okay” while proceeding to help me up and give me a hug I wouldn’t feel dismissed at all.
@@AleksandraApocalisse Agreed
I agree that it's more about the intention behind the phrase. And it's not that our children's feelings (whether male or female) are not important, but that an older, wiser person is reassuring them, that even if this feels like the end of the world, it's not. I've tried to first acknowledge my child's distress ("That really hurt didn't it" or "Did that scare you?"), and then tell them, "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you WILL be ok." For me personally as a kid, it helped to know that my parents were confident about something because I trusted them.
One of my sons (I have 3) who is 4 will now say after getting hurt (minor bumps, etc), "Oh yeah, my body can heal me, I'll be ok!" Imo, it's a sense of empowerment rather than just wallowing in self-pity or misplaced fear (for too long anyway, lol).
For reference, I treated my girl the same way when she was little ;)
Still these examples sounds like the child could come to look to others for feeling better instead of going *through* the process themselves, feeling their fright, anger etc, and just being held/contained safely in the adults presence/caress. Without the assurance of 'you're ok', because I feel this could 'toughen' up the kids to their own emotions. Not displaying their feelings when around other kids in less safe contsined spaces with more people and 'threat', making it less comfortable for other kids (and down the line, adults in workplaces, public, etc) to express themselves vulnerably too. Lets comment here when the kids are all older ;)
I feel focusing on the physical is more importsnt here instead of mentalising it for them (and then could talk about it afterward if they feel)
Yes I'm one of those kids that was raised to think i didnt ever have anything worth care/attention/healing and so never sought comfort from others and it really closes you off to the world because there is never ever a circumstance demanding enough of others. 'You're fine, your body will fix everything' . Sets up for isolation.
@@DisguisedEnigma My oldest is 21 - is that old enough? He still expresses his feelings/needs just fine to me, his dad and other people in his life, but is also capable of independently handling the pressure of his own life (lives on his own, has a full time job, girlfriend, etc). He's pretty balanced. I'm not quite sure what point you're trying to make.
In your first sentence you say the child could come to look to others to feel better instead of going through the process themselves, but in the last sentence you posture that telling a child "You're ok" will ultimately make them feel isolated ... Which is it? Should they go it alone or seek other's reassurance?
There's a difference between being told, "You're ok" as a dismissal vs. "You're ok" as a comfort. It's about the delivery as the original comment states. My children understanding their bodies can heal them (which is just a fact and focuses on the physical) has not given them the impression they cannot talk to me about their feelings or should isolate themselves. They express themselves just fine (including negative emotions) and have no trouble seeking us parents out as needed.
There's a balance to be struck. The ability to feel the feeling ("That really hurt") and seek help as needed without getting stuck in the feeling ("I'll be ok") or becoming too dependent on others. When it comes to feelings involving other people, we can teach our children to pick their battles. Time and place.
In any case, I feel like all of this is taking a simple comment (or phrase like "You're ok") and completely overanalyzing it. Sometimes it's not that deep ;)
If my daughter falls, the first thing I do is try to assess if they are really hurt. I don't act scared. I calmly ASK if they are ok as I calmly move toward her. I aknowledge that they fell and ask if they can get up. Then I ask if there is an ouchie, ouchie in a humorous way. If she laughts, I laugh with her. If she cries, I pick her up and hug her and ask her where it it hurts and comforts her saying that daddy is here, etc.
From pregnancy to now with my current 18 month old, you have been the BEST Emma!! I’ve modeled my parenting after your videos and am a better person overall for it. So grateful!!
This is so nice to hear! Thank you!!
Bad move. There isn't a one size fits all approach. Take some advice, yes, modelling your parenting after someone else, not good. Steer clear of this hyper-western, montessori style parenting crap. We're going to have a generation of emotionally underdeveloped bigots if this continues.
I typically don't search for parenting advice online, but I watched her potty training video, which was excellent. Everything she says has worked really well so far for my daughter. Thanks so much!
I love this advice! When my toddler falls I usually say "did it hurt you or scared you?" She's too young to answer yet but I like to think it's helping her to realize if she's not in pain she's just scared. Open to thoughts on that!
I do the same, saying something "oh you fell! I see you're upset - are you hurt or did it scare you?" and my daughter generally does tell me where it hurts or if she was just scared
Thanks Emma. As a new parent raising two toddler, these lessons help us alot as parents.
It's my absolute pleasure!
Very timely video, we have been struggling here with our two year old. Toddler communication is already difficult enough without making it worse due to my own actions.
I notice that I say, "You're alright, its okay." to my son a lot when he falls down/gets hurt, but usually I do check him and ask him IF he is okay, first, and hold him if he's crying and tell him, "Mommy's here, I got you." And then I have many times asked him to "use his words" when he's throwing a fit, but I have noticed that makes him get more frustrated, sometimes. So I started asking him questions when he's having a tantrum. I will say, "What's wrong, baby?" And he will sometimes calm down more and do his little toddler blabbers that I don't fully understand lol. Or I'll say, "Are you thirsty?" And if he is, he will say, "Yea, I Borsty"😂(just thought that was cute and wanted to share❤) or even "Are you Hungry?" And I rub my belly. If he is, he will say, "Yeah, I ungy." 😭💖 He HATES when I ask him if he's tired, though. He absolutely refuses to nap or sleep most of the time. 😭🤣 I'm trying to do better, and I appreciate this video a lot because I can utilize what you've said here and help him more. 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
“He absolutely refuses to sleep or to nap”
That’s my toddler. You can see in the eyes, she is very tired and sleepy, but she doesn’t want to sleep!
Thank you I struggle over here with my 2yr old (28months) and learning to do better for/with her will help as my 8m grows up too.
My mom always said "you're okay" and I still feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings with her, also have difficulty managing relationships. This is so true. We can do better. I have a three year old son. I ask are you okay? Are you hurt and hold him till he is ready to get up. He doesn't stay down for long 😅
❤
I do the same with my daughter ❤
That’s what I’ve been doing. Phew.
07:18 Because I said so'-guilty! 😅 This video really opened my eyes to how that phrase shuts down their curiosity and learning. From now on, I’ll make more of an effort to explain the 'why' behind my decisions. Thank you!
It's my pleasure!
My little one is only 6 weeks old, but I remember my dad using the “because I said so” phrase a lot growing up. I made a mental note a long time ago to NEVER say that to my own children, it really killed my curiosity and my trust in going to him with questions. My daughter will be encouraged to always ask questions and never stop learning.
I've made a conscious effort to try to not say this to my toddler too, but I feel there are situations where it's more of a problem that I don't know HOW to explain the why at their level of comprehension. It really does feel like a shortcut, and sometimes I'm not sure how else to explain it. There's almost a balance of still needing to assert authority in a kinder manner.
Yeah, I had plans to do and not do a lot of things when my son was 6 weeks old.
In the olden days, long long ago, what adults used to say to comfort a child went along the lines of… “(soothing voice) there, there…. There, there…. (Hugging wailing child and gently patting back)You hurt your knee when you fell over…. It hurts, I know…. (Wailing subsides) There now… stop crying and let’s put a bandaid on it…. “. None of this frantic “it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok” when everyone and especially the child knows it’s not ok.
Being using "use your words" jokingly with my one month old 😅.
😂
😂😂😂
Same, mine is 4mo, begining to bable 😂
I did too, and I still do😂 hes 7 months
Every time I change my one month old and he's on the changing station, I tell him not to go anywhere
I keep hopping on to watch more of your videos when I can during these fleeting daytime naps. Thank you, by the way, for recommending the Oball. Anika doesn't have much interest in handling any of the other toys I got for her yet, but she *adores* that thing and it's really enticing her to keep practicing!
My switch for "because I said so" is "I know you want to but we are in a hurry this time".
E.g. If she wants to look for a specific shoe before we go out the door. I might say "we are in hurry today, please wear this one and we can look for that one together tomorrow"
And then thank her for being fast/quick when she complies and try to follow through with what I said. Seems to work well for my 3yo and it doesn't seem to trigger a chain of "why"s like giving more detailed reasons seem to.
Thank you Emma! We've been loving your videos lately and its been super helpful - Have definitely noticed a big change in our bubbas development with little tweaks from watching these
It's my pleasure!
I once told my toddler that you're okay. He was so frustrated to tell me, "Mama, I am not okay! I want to cry." I appreciate he told me that because I feel a part of me always needs to act like I am good to people. I am from Asia, and my parents never listen to my feelings. My kids help me know that it's okay to tell people your feelings. Thanks a lot for this video.
When my toddlers can't use their words, I ask them to show me or to point. This sometimes works and then I can label and say the phrase for them, for example "oh you wanted to eat peas for dinner". It's difficult to walk the fine line between rewarding good communication and not enabling bad behavior as they're quickly learning screaming gets them what they want.
Hi Emma, do you have a video for tips on how to manage the relationship between a toddler and a newborn?
As a mother of a sixth month old, this idea of not saying "you're okay" hit hard... Not only did I recently twist my ankle ( which as an example made a lot of sense) , but I've realized that this is how I was treated growing up. It caused a level of anxious attachment and feeling unheard. I'm so glad that I subscribed to your channel, because this is exactly what I need to hear in order to make better decisions moving forward! 😢
My mother always used, because i said so. Or if i asked why. She would just say. That's why. Which kind of lead me to create a behavior to always depend on others because, like my mother, they probably know best. Which only leads to getting used by people
I'm so sorry to hear that you had that experience growing up. It’s tough when we’re not given the space to ask questions or understand the 'why' behind decisions, and it’s natural for that to shape how we navigate the world later on. But the fact that you recognize this now is such a powerful step! You’re breaking the cycle and creating space for more open communication, which will be so valuable as you continue your own journey and, if you're a parent, in how you raise your child. You deserve to trust your own instincts, and your voice matters!
@EmmaHubbard it sadly, is not the worst she had done. But recently, I finally got to the core of that and discovered a link to certain behaviors of mine that grew out of that. Which, in retrospect, took me almost 20 years of not seeing it to see it but not understating to finally connect the dots. It was content of the channel healthygamergg that got me to connect the dots. I am grateful that channels like that and like yours exist. You really are helping and changing lives.
So glad I came across your channel! Thank you for all the great insights ❤
Thanks so much! I knew that I shouldn't say "you're okay", as you're right, in that moment, they aren't, because they just hurt themselves.
I didn't realise I shouldn't be saying "use your words" though and that is definitely something I started saying recently. Your explanation makes a lot of sense though. I will try to validate and label their feelings instead of saying that phrase. My son is only 22 months old, so he still needs me to teach him what emotion he is feeling. When he cries, he doesn't know he's sad or frustrated etc. Thanks for the reminder! :)
It's my pleasure!
I have been saying “you’re okay” whenever my 14 months old falls or trips and hurts himself. I didn’t know that was wrong 😢 now I know what is the right thing to say, thank you so much!!
You're so welcome!
Also, don’t be hard on yourself-it's completely natural to want to comfort your little one in the moment and saying it a few times isn't wrong.
Now that you know a different approach, you’re already taking steps to help your toddler feel understood and supported.
You're doing an amazing job, and your awareness will make a big difference as your little one grows. 💕
I don't have any children, and I don't know if I ever will. But I'm subscribed now, because this is all so interesting. I think this is helpful for anyone to watch. Because we all probably interact with children once in a while, even if it's just a stranger's children in passing.
I always hated being told “you’re okay” as a kid because I always felt like they didn’t actually want to help me through it. It felt dismissive. To this day, I feel like a burden when I’m told that when I’m trying to explain something I’m struggling with. I try not to say it to my daughter, but it’s definitely hard to break the cycle.
My mom would say "I'm here, you're OK/it's going to be OK".
The small change makes a world of difference.
The situation is not OK, the child is in distress, but I've got you and I'll make sure you're fine and make you feel better.
@@kryptonite_jules Well, you’re still here and have the time and ability to comment on a RUclips video. Turns out you were, in fact, ok.
I'm the same way, I really only say it with my son's when they were having a crying fit as babies and honestly it was more for me than them. 😅 The chanting and hopping helped. As my toddler got older I would ask what hurt and if he could show me. Usually after lots of hugs and kisses to calm him down. And I would tell him "I got you" instead of you're ok and at the end of it all I say I know it still hurts you'll be ok soon 😊 and I check up on him later too. It's what I wanted to hear as a kid and what my parents typically did too.
Harsh reply?@@keylloyd9167
Excellent recommendations that are consistent with early childhood developmental needs.
Thank you!
That was an eye opener!
They have no reference at a very young age to know if they are "ok".
They may think something terrible has happened, and are reacting to a worst case scenario.
Hearing reassurance from a loved one at that age can be calming. If the injury is indeed serious, they will understand that by being brought to the hospital.
Thank you I needed this reminder. 😅
Wow what a great explanation on “it’s okay” I constantly say that to my toddler thinking I m soothing him. Clearly I m dismissing his emotions. Thank you thank you. Best channel ever !!! 😊
You are so welcome!
Thank you!
So it's me(28y), my boyfriend(30y), our son (4 y) & our daughter (6 m)
I mean yes: children do get hurt or fell down often.
It doesn't matter who is there to take care of them at the time. I stayed at home for 1½ years with my son, so narurally things happened more often with my supervision than with daddys.
I always get the blame because: "You're here so NOTHING can happen to them!"
It seems like nobody I talk to can understand how children work!
Like when people say:
"If that was my kid,
I would never let him do THIS!"
Children have their own mind & personality...
& NEED to learn how to make their own decisions & mistakes.
Imagine wraping them into bubble wrap & let them bob through life & if they get a papercut at 18 years old they loose their mind because nothing like this had ever happen to them...
Anyways:
The friends of my boyfriend, who are like his family (not so much mine), always say that I am too protective & shout chill out more when for example:
Son had slipped & fallen down. He cries & stays in that one spot. Of course I need to look if everything is okay (except if he just bounces away & is happy).
But if not I go down on his level & aks him simple questions (calmly):
Me: "Oh, did you fell down?"
Him: "yes."
Me: "Are you hurt?"
Him: "yes."
Me: "much or little?"
Him: "little."
Me: "should we dry of your eyes?"
Him: "yes."
Then we cuddle or I need to blow on the spot he was hurt or he just goes & does his thing.
I can't express myself very good sorry, but I hope you understand what I mean!
(russian living in germany)
I don't baby him. I talk to him because I respect him. I want him to learn that his feelings are valid & that he can cry if he feel like he needs to.
Sometimes I get angry inside when I hear the friends of my boyfriend say: "Nothing happened! He's okay!"
across the room & not even TO him!!!
This words "NOTHING HAPPENED" seem so toxic to me!
As if he doesn't even matter,..or
It's not worth talking about...
The only thing he would learn throught that, is that his feelings are not real & only the things the others say is true.
He needs to be able to refulate himself, but not from day one.
If he is lost we should be there to catch & guide him.
Sorry for the long post.
So many great tips for parents and teachers alike. Thanks as always for sharing!
I would also emphasize our validation has to be genuine, or else the words just become empty felt.
Nothing worse than hearing the right words, but feeling a sense of vague fakeness to it.
Very true!
So glad for your chanel. Its so informative. I write notes on cards of parenting asvice and put them where i can see them throughout the day. New behaviors need to be reinforced to be learned.
It is like you were in my house. Thank you so much for this video
😂No worries at all!
I love this advice! Pretty much everyone I know says “it’s ok”
I realized the first one early on when learning about helping toddlers identify and label their emotions. It helped to diffuse so many tantrums and screaming to acknowledge what they were feeling. I use it with many kids I teach or care for...I see it so much in nursery or childcare situations where the toddler is crying cuz they miss mom or dad and the caretaker is trying to distract with toys, books, snacks. Imagine how insane we would feel if our partner or kid suddenly was gone and no one around us listens but tries to give us food or things. I'd have a chat with the kiddo and acknowledge they were sad or miss mommy, but mommy will be back after (whatever) and she has to sing music right now or whatever it was, and then we will see her again, right? I then tried to distract asking about the other family like siblings and maybe things they do together. I'd offer toys or activities I know they love and even though there were still some tears and sniffling as they felt those emotions, I saw the distress just drop and then they were working on calming down and within a few minutes were ok.
I had the hardest time convincing my parents to stop responding with "you're ok" to my kids. I had to explain why a few times with examples, especially the reason of I am trying to teach my kid about empathy and model how I want them to react to other kids being hurt. I don't want my kid to crash into another kid and flippantly call out "you're ok!!" It seemed so callous. I'd much rather my kid stop and say they know it hurts and get them a ice pack or go to their mom etc. Soon after explaining this to my mom, I got another excellent example. An older kiddo fell on the playground and hit their mouth, causing pain and bleeding. All us moms were there talking so many adults to help the situation. But so many pulling out the you're ok. No, kid is not ok, it hurts a lot and they can see the blood from their mouth on their hand and are freaking out. I always have an ice pack so I sat kiddo down with it and held their hand said yeah, it hurts doesnt it? Let's check your teeth and things, ok just looks like some bleeding on your mouth, I think your teeth just cut your lip a bit so no missing teeth, that's good. etc etc. After sharing that story with my mom, it really helped click with her that it's not the best response.
Whats crazy is I was so good about theses things when kiddo was a toddler. But now with kiddo a few years older, I forget the emotions and regulation is still big and being worked on and I need to model appropriate responses and still acknowledge their feelings. I think we want kids to stop doing things so we skip past allowing the thoughts and emotions and go straight to be like an adult. My kid says they don't like school or reading/math/etc and my initial response is too bad, sucks but you gotta do it. Yes, and we get there eventually with the conversation, but I need to stop begin triggered by kiddo stating their thoughts and emotions because of the meaning I'm attaching to it. I need these videos as reminders and work to incorporate it with older kids who have more words, yes, but just as many emotions and needs to learn how to navigate them in a healthy way (which means me learning to do that!)
Thanks Emma ma'am
You are an Angel❤❤❤
It's my pleasure!
I believe there is a balance. If kids never hear it's ok/you're ok, there may be a constant state of fear, instead of a sense of security.
I agree but I think it’s important to assess the situation and acknowledge their emotions first (for the point she brought up of not dismissing their feelings in the moment) and then tell them “you’re ok” when you actually know they are
I believe this is solved with the phrases "you will BE OK" or "you are safe", depending on the situation. It assures them without projecting the feelings onto them in the moment.
Your content always delivers, thank you!
My son when he gets hurt asks me am I ok? Ok!?
I say yep ur ok!!!! 🥰
Last night he was coughing I said r u ok!? He said no not ok
🤧
If I cough my son will me
R u ok!? I say yep 🥰 I’m ok
He says oh good
So ok is a perfectly perfect word and expression in my home
Amazing ,useful and life changing information
You always deliver such easy-to-understand content.
Please show your kids you respect their needs and take them serious. My mother sometimes laughed about me and until today (I am 39) she calls me "child". So I don't feel like she sees me as a logical thinking and feeling person. This still hurts me.
I always correct my husband when he does this to my toddler! I always go to him and love on him.
In the country where I was born, when someone falls, we will rush to help, ask the person if they feel pain, if they need help. Even if they say No, we will try to hold them up. If a child falls, we will hug, saying "I know, it hurts, sorry". I felt being cared and supported when I was there.
When I first came to the US, I fell because people let their food drop on the floor. I was in horrible pain, could not get up. The whole room laughed at me. I was stunned by their heartlessness.
Great advice i often catch myself using because I said so, or you're ok i didn't realize i wasn't validating my sons emotions do u have a video with tips of poop training my 3 almost 4 year old is stubborn when it comes to pooping in the potty
Glad you found the video helpful.
Pooping on the toilet is often a tricky/scary thing for children. In this video I go though the steps on how to get them pooping on the toilet - ruclips.net/video/n1kPzW8fgHE/видео.htmlsi=GG7EdqSYI7nB-68M
I hope it helps!
@@EmmaHubbard thank u
Good tips thanks for your helpful videos.
I just saw the ms Rachel video and I disagree w at one. My boys are 18 months and I’ve figured out they mimic ms Rachel all the time, and I can get them to say almost anything using the ‘put it on, put it on, put it …..’ model
I find myself always asking "are you ok?" Instead of saying "you're ok." Or "it's ok" like what my partner does. It just didn't feel right whenever our little one hurts herself. So far, we're doing well with the other phrases.😊
Because I said so is a valid response. I almost always tell my children the reason when I am speaking to them. For instance, "Don't touch that, it is sharp and could hurt you." They still respond with, "How come." My next response is, "Because I said so." I want them to learn to trust me and some things are too complicated to explain the reason. They need to learn to quickly respond to what I say simply based on the fact I am the adult and I know what is best.
I agree and sometimes the explanation is beyond their comprehension. I don't say it all the time but honestly sometimes it is the only answer.
She’s RIGHT! It’s the emotional Psychology of it, not the Intention! Move the ego out of the way that’s getting “triggered” by what she’s saying! It’s not about you it’s about the child and their inability to read your “Intention” behind using these phrases; the child only hears the WORDS being spoken to them. It can create cognitive dissonance by telling them “you’re okay” when CLEARLY they’re not FEELING okay! It’s confusing and devaluing for a child 🤍🙏
This is great information. Thank you!
Grateful for your videos.
Glad you like them!
When my baby falls or trips, he does not really cry so i tell him to get up, unless when he feels hurt after falling and cries i attend to him and try to understand where it hurts, he's 18 months old...
I never told mine to just "get up" when he felt and didn't cry. Now that he's a toddler it turns out he has autism and even when you know that he got hurt for sure he wont cry. For example, he has smashed his toes multiple times against a small step/division on the floor and the toenails have been torn/split and bleed and he just keep on running around.
You do you, but it won't hurt to attend your 18 month even if he doesn't cry when he trips or falls, just saying in case he has a sensory thing or autism (mine has both). Hopefully not your case, but it can't be told until they're evaluated and the soonest is at toddler age. ❤
Omg the “because I said so” thing drove me nuts as a kid. 😂 I could not stand when my dad said that
When I was a kid parents would just ask me, "Are you okay?" Followed by hug or bandaid if I said no and/or continued crying
It's great that they checked in on you. Asking if you're okay opens up the conversation, which is great.
Genius Emma
Glad you liked it!
I remember how annoying it was to be told "because I said so" as a child. Even worse, if I asked why, I was often accused of trying to argue about it or having an attitude. No, I was a child who wanted to understand why. Sure, sometimes I wanted to know whether my mom actually had a reason, but that's mostly because I didn't get why she wouldn't just explain it to me. If she offered a reasonable explanation, I would typically drop it. Looking back, I feel like my parents often expected me to just "know better" without actually teaching me.
Exactly. Children deserve an explanation. 'Because I said so,' always felt like a cop out to me and was just something domineering people (my parents) said to get their way.
Appreciate your content... Instead of saying "you're okay", i question my kids "are you okay?" Whenever they fall down or get hurt.
I typically say “O! I saw that!” 😂
Then wait for them to communicate to me where they’re at lol.
I do that too and now she tells me when she's ok and when she's not
I'm a Christian mom. I say "are you okay? Show mommy what's hurts, then when she shows me we pray and ask Jesus to heal them and then I gave a snuggle, kiss and ask if she's ready to go back out or if she'd like to take a break. Showing her that going to God in times of trouble is the best thing I've added to our problem solving skills
This is excellent advice!
I’m a Muslim mom. I say “Allah will come get you if you keep crying.” It works pretty well
When my child falls, i look at them, once they start to show the emotional response of the pain. I state.
Ok, before you're emotions elevate more, check your body.
All five of my kids can assess a situation extremely quickly and allow themselves to feel the pain and hold back the emotions so they can properly determine if they are hurt or injured.
Being injured is a completely different situation than if you are hurt...
So, for that pause they assessed, at a very young age i assessed first, then I ask, very sweetly, did that hurt? You're not injured baby, but I'm sure it hurts. Then i hold them. And let them cry.
When they got older they didn't need my help to assess very often, none have broken a bone yet, lost a tooth though. As they matured more they didn't need my help consoling them either.
I've never been more proud to watch these little humans turn to adults and no longer need me in this capacity.
saying something hurts can also trigger a pain reaction even if they don't have pain and are just shocked. i would say don't fill in the blank spaces and let your child decide how to feel.
your are one and oow that hurts sends a message like: oow this should not hurt vs oow this should hurt.
Thanks! My 7 month old just started standing up by holding on to the coffee table. And his second favorite thing to do is parkour under the dinner table😂
In other words theres lots of blue bumps on his knees and face!
Hi Emma, I have a 4 yo son. Sometimes when he is angry, he hit me or screaming at public. I tell him you can be angry, but you should not hit people. When you are angry, scream at the pillow. And when you are angry in public, wait until we got home to scream at the pillow.
And we made a deal if he hit people or made a scene in public, no screen time for today ( his screen time start at 5pm until 7 pm)
For now it seems effective. But somehow I'm still not sure if it will bring bad long term effect. What do you think?
i never say you are ok if my children fall i ask if they are ok and if anything hurts i guess my way of teaching them to assess situation and when they say yes i ask them where does it hurt they generally point to the hurt area and then i offer them options depending on what they hurt if its just a scratch i ask if they want to wash it off and put a bandage on it or if they want to put some ointment on it (if its a decent scratch) and i also offer to help them back up then i ask if they want a hug and for mommy to show them how you climb the jungle gym or ride the bike or whatever it is they are doing .....is that a bad approach or is it a ok approach sorry it didnt come up in the video but a phrase similar did so i was curious 😅🙏
Do these apply to older children as well? I’m a step mom to two older girls and I just had my baby girl, so I’m a first time mom of differing age groups. I’m asking because I don’t want to make the older two feel alienated from me while I’m still learning to be a mom.
Would someone please help me find the next video about what to say instead of validating feelings too much? I probably do that, and I need to know what to do instead
Yeah, the second one really takes knowing your kids habits. Parents have to really get to know their kids intricacies. It helps to cycle quickly through the potential things your kids want.
Thank you Emma
You’re welcome 😊
Instead of “you’re okay” I say “you will be okay” and comfort her.
My MIL says all of these all the time with my children. I’m sure it’s because (as many of us) she was also told this as a child. I’ve tried modeling/showing alternative responses when this happens, but she’s not catching on. Do I just let it happen or do I gently confront her?
To all those “you’re ok” people ……:- imagine you fall/trip over, face forward - you see the ground coming towards your face but you’re unable to stop it. You hit your nose/ cheek /forehead/ chin and it really hurts; no big wounds, but the fall has scared the hell out of you. Now you get up… how do you feel? Forget the scuffed chin, how do you feel in yourself?
thank you Emma, I wish you did these in Spanish so I could get my mom to listen lol
I'm pretty sure all the parents I know including myself say "you're okay" to mean you're not going to get worse and the pain will get better, and immediately follow it with "where does it hurt? Can I kiss the boo-boo? I'm sorry that happened that hurts."
So it's really just a stand-in phrase like "now now" or "there there" while a parent is processing before validating their feelings and offering comfort.
Luckily your video is basically agreeing with our approach, we both believe in validating experience and taking time to comfort.
But I don't see a problem with the phrase itself. Phrases like that are pretty meaningless to toddlers as they don't understand any of the nuance to language. Instead they serve to identify and associate with a situation. The daycare is using the phrase in a caring soothing way as well so sometimes consistency is more important than the best choice of words IMHO.
There's a reasonable argument that we might as well train ourselves with better phrases as our children get older and may start to understand the connotation of "you're okay", which is essentially an invalidation of feelings.
So I agree with you mostly but I don't see "you're okay" being inherently terrible especially with toddlers.
“i need to go grocery shopping” “well, do that never, so we can go to the park now”
I think everything would be easier if we just treat our children exactly how we would like to be treated. Children understands a lot, even babies who are guided by our tone voice. I think we shouldn't understimate them, just because we see them so tiny, it's disrespect. And also, when we promise them something(see no.3, example with park), we should always keep it.
Sincerely, from a toddler's mom and pediatrician who saw too often those situations
My husband has a tendency to say "nothing happened" when our daughter falls while he also picks her up hastily and rocks her as if he himself is in panic but he is working on it after İ explained what effect it can have. İ can blurt it out sometimes as well but most of the time İ try to say something like "İ can see it hurt, let me hug you while the pain goes away" or "İ can see you bumped your head, do you want me to kiss you where it hurts?".
Thanks so much for sharing!
It’s so great that you and your husband can talk about this so openly.
I would like to know what to say to a 15 month old who is banging toys on a glass door? I have tried to distract him, ignore him, praise him when he does something good, play with him. He is too young to understand the consequences of breaking glass, but he knows he is doing something bad. Any suggestions? Thanks
When I see my daughter fall, I say, "Whoa." She's autistic, and learns language reciprocally, and has started saying, "whoa," when she falls.
What about saying- "it's all part of growing?" For example when they fall.
I always say "Are you ok?" 👌🏻
Simple tweak which opens up the conversation. So great!
I watched Emma videos and i did changed and practiced some of her recommendation. But some times i do wonder our parents (my parent) don't do these when raising us and we turn out ok, "hardie" enough. To compare current gen kids, so much fragile and less resilient when come to facing challenge or difficulties, make me wonder are we over, too much concern on their "feeling"?
I feel like when my niece falls she immediately looks at us adults to assess what to do. If I act concerned she will cry. If I don’t make a big deal about it she will usually just get up and get on with it. She’s 16months so she’s not able to verbalise much yet. I want her to feel safe expressing herself but i don’t want to encourage negative emotions
Hi mam my baby is 3 month old always sucking right hand and gacing head towards right side and sleeping is this normal pleae reply
If your baby has trouble facing both sides equally it can be a sign of torticollis. It can be fixed but it's important to get it checked out soon because it can lead to a misformed head shape.
Agreed. My son had this and we asked the doctor and he noticed and we went to PT. It was super helpful.
Well, I came here to upskill on my parenting but I have instead come to realise why I don't share anything with my mum. When I would get hurt as a young child, I'd show mum with the expectation of at least getting a plaster but instead, she would ask "do you want a medal?". I gradually stopped sharing big and small things with her. We have a superficial relationship now. I am actively learning to do better
Lol yeah my dad's response to something hurting was "you want me to chop it off?" He is a doctor and thought it was funny. Thankfully my mom was the one staying home with us and she was much more compassionate!
4:30 just let them wear the rain boots, face whatever natural consequence of their decision there will be and learn & grow from their mistake. The only right solution in that case.
U r the best taught me so much 🥲
❤️
I feel like tone of voice in this situation matters more than the words. "You're OK" is said caringly and accompanied with physical comfort. Does any parent really say it stone cold and walk away from their kid? Lol
When they fall just ask.... what did you learn?
They still never learn and run full speed across the kitchen into the ssme hazards in 5 minutes time.
You're OK, Exact point where gaslighting begins 😂
I ask, “are you okay?”
What hurts?
Where?
You head?
Your hand?
Your finger?
Thanks so much for sharing. Asking your little one if they're okay encourages them to talk to you about what they are feeling, which is great!
Of course they can fall and be okay. If they get hurt badly they are not okay. But if they just fall and cry because they are scared nothing really happened to them so they are okay.
My daughter exaggerates her pain because she enjoys the attention. And so i say you're okay. Any recommendations on how to navigate that?
I’ve been saying “use your words” on my 4yo because she has delayed speech. I usually follow “use your words” with a question about what she might be trying to express, like “Did you want something to eat?” when she tries to open the fridge. I don’t know if my use is ok or not now
Why don't you just ask the question, like the example you provided ("Did you want something to eat?")? Saying "use your words" to a child with delayed speech is particularly mean. I would even say: it's cruel. Just because you follow up with a question, it doesn't mean that "use your words" is still okay to say. Emma was very clear that that phrase is not okay.