I think there is a certain level of maturity required to date other cultures because you have to recognize that every culture is different and you have to be willing to adjust.
This kind of sounds like just general relationships anywhere. Other cultures, tend to be based around the qualities of the culture, are appealing when a person grows up with morals. Non-direct can be frustrating. But in turn, it also makes for a less embarrassing time in public.
i mean it works both ways, japanese people also have to adapt to date someone foreign, just expecting a foreigner to 100% act the japanese way is very unfair and disrespectful to who they are, there need to be a common ground
@@akaRyuka my thoughts exactly. I can be interested in another culture and want to learn about that culture as I dating someone foreign, but there are some American things I will refuse to change.
@@akaRyuka That's part of the balance and I agree. If anyone's dating a foreign, there should be a specific talk where they can both agree in a middle point of what they are willing to change and tolerate as well and what other things are just fine being there or not. But anyway, like the other dude said this is still pretty much in any relationship. Difference might be that dating someone in your country makes it a little easier to get some cultural things quickly.
@@akaRyuka Especially since the more often than not fail to adapt when they themselves are the foreigners. Ore more like don't even try to adapt. They don't hold themselves to their own standards.
One of the things that is so interesting about the whole kokuhaku thing, ie; directly asking her to be your girlfriend is actually the opposite of other Japanese sensibilities where everything else is left implied, insinuated, indirectly.... except for that.
I prefer letting my "yes" mean an actual yes, and my "no" mean an actual no. I have ASD and I prefer to have things simple...not stupid, but simple, for it is possible for things to be complex, but needlessly so as well, and when something is needlessly complex, which is most of the time, then they are stupid things that are made by stupid people.
I followed Mochi-sensei's advice and I'm still not dating a Japanese girl. Apparently I have to talk to them in order to date them. Wild! On a serious note, great insight into Japanese dating culture. Also guys, just because a girl is nice to you in ANY culture, it doesn't mean they want to date you. Relationships are hard. 頑張って 皆さん!
@@maegalroammis6020 Bro you described 85% of the entire population of planet earth A LOT of people in EVERY country do not want to learn other languages besides their own, a LOT of people in EVERY country, especially men, do NOT like to share their feelings and will make sure to hold it in until they can't anymore, and a LOT of people, and this one is the most common, a LOOOOT of people in EVERY. SINGLE. COUNTRY. Talk trash behind your back. Especially older people and younger people. They judge you based on looks and superficial things.
@@maegalroammis6020 Pot calling the kettle black? You can't accept someone else's experience and you want everyone to take your own as the universal one? You have every right to describe your experience, but at this level it only makes you wonder if it is not your acquaintances who are "pathetic", mind you.
"If she changes her mind later she has to kokuhaku." This has never happened, not once, in the entire history of mankind. If someone doesn't like you, it is impossible to make them like you. And by "like" I mean physical attraction.
@@Xethavosh Only in the negative direction. You can make someone hate you even if you're good-looking, but you can't good-personality your way out of someone deeming you unattractive. Just doesn't happen. Physical attraction is decided in about 3 seconds and if it's a no then it's a no. This is useful to know lest you waste your time.
@@junfourthat quite literally happens all the time…have you never heard of unattractive dudes dating pretty women because they have very nice personalities. I’m not saying harass women I’m just saying it’s possible your personality can change attraction, happens a lot in real life.
Just for reference, the best way to let an American guy know you aren't interested is to tell them "You're such a good friend!". Being put in the friend zone is almost universally understood, while being ignored or given the cold shoulder often just makes us think we need to try harder or do something different.
@@senseiruthe just tell them as a women that you are 100% lesbian and not interested in guys... the end :D I think a lot of people are interested in other cultures or the excotic look of their natives.
As a guy it's not easy to understand when it's a no, or a no for now, like she addressed in the video. Sometimes they want you to leave, sometimes they want you to try harder, sometimes it's confusing.
Interesting. I am married to a Vietnamese woman. I am Puerto Rican. Living in California. So I had head start on cultural differences. Met my wife in High School a long time ago. She was only in US for 3 years. Even then at my young age I knew I had to approach with caution. She was nice to everyone but she associated more with her girl friends. I approach her as if I was not interested. Just started conversation. Stayed at a distance. As time went on I earned her confidence then she would approach me. I was so happy. After that the rest is history. She then knew I was interested and later on she said she appreciated my patience. She felt that I was a guy who was responsible and committed. For me I knew I had to make adjustments for her. Foreign Guys dating Japanese women without these skills…many have wrong idea. Relationships require work…you cannot force it. Any culture. Both have to give and take. Love is wonderful, but you must show it in your respectful actions. If cultural differences…that’s another layer. Once the relationship is established then you can make mistakes. 29 years married. I did well. 🙏🏼☺️
I call bullshit.. what teenage boy in highschool has this level of social and cultural awareness regardless of where you're from.. I bet you dicked it up like every other boy does going in to hard and then you were told by her to slow down... boring men change their stories as they get older, the stories get spicier with every year they're told, trust me, my dads 60, his stories are Thai curry by now hahahaha. Good on ya and congrats on a successful marriage!
Good response. The same guys complaining about foreign girls in her own country rejecting them, are guys who were also rejected by girls of his own society that know him best. There are a lot of childish responses about how bad it is for a Japanese girl to not be interested in a guy who could not even attract girls in his own country. Americans who have no world experience assume everyone wants them because of their passport. No, that assumption is what gives Americans a bad reputation in other countries(plus the fact that the US has likely bombed their country and staged coups in 104 countries.) I have dated in most of the 92 countries I have spent time in and see the same sort of behavior by Americans visiting other countries expecting to be held in high regard. That arrogance comes from ignorance of the societies they visit. At one time after WW2, a better quality of life was possible than in countries that were attacked since the US was untouched during the war that claimed 65,000,000 killed, almost half of those were Soviet citizens who were killed in defeating the Axis Powers. The only country that exited the war richer than entering was the US. But that arrogance is built into most Americans who know nothing about the rest of the world.
What Japanese girls need to stop doing to us: 1) Stop treating us like a walking wallet 2) Stop treating us like a fashion accessory 3) Stop using us to learn English or other languages 4) Start taking the relationship seriously. I'm not your walking fantasy, I'm a person.
Unless you are Japanese or hung up on some kink fetish. Find another culture or ethnicity. I couldn't deal with the cultural differences but i agree the women are absolutely beautiful.
If you're American, it does depend regionally on where you are from. As someone from the northeastern US, I was always taught growing up to mind personal space and not be super touchy. It was a little hard adjusting when I moved to California where everyone does hug a lot or get close. Personally, having personal space boundary is important to me so, I'd rather keep a minimum safe distance. Some guys like doing that (touching, hand on shoulder or even leg etc) as it is a non verbal way of communicating "I like you" or trying to hookup in some cases, so that's why some of them do it. I am very blunt/ direct because of where I'm from, so that's something good to keep in mind if I ever visit Japan, haha.
@sleeper6000, yeah touchy feely ? How else is girl going to understand you want to be physical or get intimate ? Just by talking all night at covid distance apart? Yeah 1st date second date but third date you still expect to be sitting Covid distance apart? By the third date she probably going to think why is this guy so afraid to dare touch me or lean in for a kiss. Is it the Norm to ask to be BF GF before even kissing ? She fails to talk about that. Now I don’t live in japan so I don’t know, but what she talking about sound like school girl shit. As a grown ass woman does the same rules apply?
Ah. I've "learned" from psychology to not get into someone's personal space (get too close) but to do periodic and subtle touching. This is as simple as intentionally and lightly touching or brushing her hand at an opportune moment, touching her shoulder gently and briefly when moving around her or leaving a table, etc. Just small, light touches now and then. There is a psychological basis to this that often will make her feel slightly more warmly towards you, or more personal. This doesn't mean constant touching or wrapping an arm around her, or putting your hand on her leg. This is light, brief, subtle. Go too much too soon and it's creepy. Maybe be even more careful about it with Japanese women. It can help silently express your interest or friendliness initially. It doesn't even need to be someone you are interested in to use it a LITTLE. I will touch fingers or hands with even a female bank teller just to make the interaction a bit less informal and mechanical. It can help to warm their interactions with you in a helpful and pleasant way. Of course, if a woman does it to you it works the other way around as well but can be a definite indicator of her interest in you. Don't be creepy.
ten big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends: 1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak badly their language 2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them 3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they impose lies most of the time 4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves for some reason 5 they are too serious , they only swear by work-work all their life and by their nonsense rules, they don't care about humanity 6 they're very money-driven 7 they refuse to invite you in their homes without explaining you why and considers your appart like a museum 8 they don't want affection 9they believe stories told by their xenophobic elders 10 they abandon us suddenly by "ghosting" interacting with them is a wasting our time for us westerners. Don't annoy me with "nyeeeeh therez ppl like them in da world" please.
It also depends on personality, which has variation wherever you're from. I generally don't/didn't think about it in a direct vs indirect way. I was grew up with 2 brothers and 2 sisters insensitive. Both of my brothers are talkative, the older is a bit aggressive, my younger brother isn't aggressive but talks often and very loudly due to speech problems; of my sisters, my eldest is very polite by nature, but often makes uncomfortable unintentional social gaffs that hurt people's feelings, my other sister is loud, but pretty sensitive, but can be pushy. Myself, the fourth of five, is quiet, and sometimes wishes his siblings would were quieter. I like to think before I speak with strangers, and always try to not hurt others feelings. So, from myself and my siblings, 4 out of five are, I guess, typical Amerigajin (is that how its spelled?), but, at least in this respect, I might not be a typical American. However quiet I am, though, I am more direct than, perhaps, a typical Japanese person, but always trying to be considerate. Growing up my family hosted foreign students during Christmas for many years. About half were from East Asia (Vietnam, Japan, S. Korea, and Taiwan), and all were clearly more "direct" than the students from Japan.
"I didn't tell him directly because I didn't want to hurt him, but I think I hurt him more by not telling him directly." YES. Women all over the world need to wake up and realize this. Whatever "manners" you think you are having by not telling a man that you're not interested in him are completely cancelled out by the sheer rudeness of giving a man a false impression of your relationship.
Hmmmmmm no? I mean, we tend to be more direct, yes. But assuming that every girl that talks to you is interested in you is more of a guy's fault than the girl's.
I agree simply because I recently dealt with this. So many mixed signals. After 2 dates acting like she is interested but never makes time for me...always friends or likely another guy...so I realize she just wants attention and say see ya! It hurt more because I was so confused and thought I needed to try this or that... yeah be direct! It hurts but you know where you stand and can move on faster!
I know most people in America don't talk to each other with their faces that close. It's usually the piss drunks that do that with their stinking alcohol breath. The talk of being direct is about both parties being adult enough to ask and answer questions honestly while also handling unfavorable responses without reducing the mind back to adolescent impulse. I would agree at that East Asian society, especially females make far less noise than my fellow Americans. Philosophical principles are engrained in the history of the far East. Since World War 2 America has leaned on the idea of Exceptionalism. Bigger, stronger, faster, more powerful, attack life as if it's a roadblock keeping you from glory. There is no doubt our culture is dominated by arrogance for better or worse.
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends: 1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language 2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them 3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time 4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves 5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the weeaboo people pretending they can befriending them.
I have lived in Japan for 8 years now. I really enjoyed your insight and while I am married and have no experience in what you are sharing, I can see what you are talking about in social settings. Very interesting, thank you for providing me better cultural insight.
This is an exceptionally informative video. The things you listed are very reasonable, and it is quite helpful to understand how culturally you might be more formal or conservative with these interactions. Personally, as an American outlier, it's comforting to know there's a culture who I might be more socially aligned with than my own. I actually relate with ALL of this, more than most like me might. Thank you.
I'm really glad you're willing to talk openly about this. It's difficult to understand a culture well when not being direct about many things is such a large part of that culture. Saying everything so openly really helps to understand what it's like for Japanese people to be socially involved with forreigners.
As for Kokuhaku (sounds like a penis injury), a lot of Western guys have learned not to ask formally about whether you will be a girlfriend, because if they do that in the West the response can be so extreme and negative that it can put a man off forever. So to avoid that toxicity, men simply don't ask anymore and wait for the woman to ask first. Not out of fear, but to avoid conflict.
I hate how westerners are so hostile towards everybody. I am a woman, but I try to be respectful when I turn someone down. I tell them I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. Equally, though, I've had men who have been hostile towards me when I've nicely turned them down. And I didn't turn them down because I hated the guy. I turned them down because I have bipolar disorder and can't handle a relationship, family, or children right now. I also am asexual. He wouldn't even let me explain and called me all kinds of names, and I didn't even know the dude. He asked me out while I was having lunch by myself. Now, I don't like the guy. That wasn't the problem at first, but now it is. I don't know why people in the West are so entitled.
@@GenerationNextNextNext I don't understand men who are like this. I never approach women and always wait until they approach me. And yet I have managed to have two marriages (cause the first one is where you learn from your mistakes). So, there is no need for men to approach women ever. I'm happy for women to do all the work in starting a relationship, and if they don't, then I guess they don't want it. 🤷♂
As for America I suppose it depends on the state. Many Southern states things like Kokuhaku still exist. However in states like California and Florida, hookup culture is big, many people aren't looking for long term relationships but quick flings. And even worse, this hookup culture is idolized.
You are absolutely right, lady !---and it is true also of many other cultures in the world, especially in South and East Asia. Ironically enough, it is this self-respecting modesty of Japanese women that makes them so appealing and attractive to many of us in the West, as well as in the East. Please do not change . Your self respect is admirable.
Mochi is the ultimate friend. Thank you for letting us know about Kokuhaku. We have a boyfriend/girlfriend in the U.S., but it's not as explicit as kokuhaku. We just discuss if we're dating, and that's usually an implicit agreement that we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
@@mochirealjapanese3430 Yes, and it's confusing. In the US, if you are just dating each other exclusively, it implicitly means you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend. There's usually never a discussion about being boyfriend or girlfriend. We just say, "We're dating," implying that we're in an intimate relationship.
@@mochirealjapanese3430 When a man invites a women for a date, and they go on several dates later on, people say "they go on dates". But when the man and woman become a couple, people say "they are dating" = "they are boyfriend and girlfriend". I think we did have "kokuhaku" culture in European-American culture long ago. When women didn't have political rights and were dependent on their man, it was a man's interest to secure a woman as his fiancee and wife later on. But now, from a man's point of view, it only makes sense to pick up women. There is no business in securing a formal relationship. It is a woman's business to establish a formal couple status. So it is more often the woman asking the man to confirm their formal status. There are 2 aberrations with this. Sometimes it happens the man asks the woman for becoming his girlfriend. But this usually happens when the man is significantly less attractive and he is not sure if the woman wants him, or the man was brought up in very traditional values. The second aberration is that women have business in securing a formal relationship, but they rarely do it. They often rely on emotions and how they perceive atmosphere with the man (just as you said Japanese people rely on less direct messages) and assume they are a couple. When you said you didn't consider the BBQ man as your boyfriend, European and American women more often have the opposite problem: they think they are in a relationship but the man thinks differently.
When I lived in the US, it seemed like confession culture was mostly until the end of high school. I think at some point even Americans have a hard time figuring out if they're a couple or not lol. Eventually you'll talk with your partner to discuss what your relationship is/isn't, but things like "will you be my girlfriend?" or "will you go out with me?" become _way_ less common after high school. Even words like "dating" will be interpreted differently by different people. Some people consider "dating" to be "an official couple" while others consider "dating" to be "going on dates but not an official couple." And then once you _are_ a couple, you can usually use the word "dating" to communicate to _others_ that you are a couple. Basically, after high school, figuring out if you're a couple and/or want to be a couple is a longer conversation you have rather than "will you be my girlfriend?" As far as I know, the entire reason for that is that phrases like, "will you be my girlfriend?" seem childish, so instead as we get older we make the whole process much more complicated for ourselves even though such a question is probably the most straightforward approach.
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends: 1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language 2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them 3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time 4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves 5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the weeaboo people pretending they can befriending them.
Not because it's childish, more like, because as you older, you fear more that the girl will say NO, and you try to complicate it to get an answer without risking a "humiliation" of yourself.
@@giannilyanicks1718 It's just you. Your 1st and 4th point prove, that the problem is mainly with you. They are not too lazy, they just has no reason at all to learn any foreign language, and if they do, they have easier job with Korean or Chinese than English. If you are a native english speaker, you should know, the problem is not them, it's your language. Japanese not lazy, they literally fear to speak english because they fear they speak something wrong. (Nothing wrong, but us ->BUTT ASS like this). Also, native english speakers basicly butcher every single language they learn. (Sayonara ->Sayo onara means Sayo's fart). It's not your fault, English is a language which butcher itself every single sound. Just say it out loud: "G" now say it in: "Game". See? You just said G 2 times, but pronounced it right only 1 time that's your language which is you say they are too "lazy" to learn.. Ofc they are serious, they are socialized in a region, where earthquakes volcanic activity and typhoons destroy their country. In that many natural disaster a serious community survive, a selfish *ss however can kill everyone around him. If you can't understand their history/culture you can't understand them and you never make a friendship someone you can't understand at all. Learning a language not make you understand the culture behind it. And if they laugh because you say something funny and you take it as an insult, you clearly can't understand them. Yep, this one was direct, proving I'm not japanese. :D But you're not too, so it's fine.
@@StArShIpEnTeRpRiSe Someone older should be gradually losing that fear. You can just, you know, move on with your life. It's not the end of the world like it is when you're in high school.
I remember one thing my Japanese girlfriend really hated was kissing in public - it made her seize up, and giving her a hug while she was doing the washing up. Ironically, I avoided doing these things with my current wife but she really loves them, so you have to get to know every individual in life, erm... individually. That's a big part of the reason we even have relationships.
@aaronmicalowe I do think kissing in public should be kept at personal space or time. Especially here in NYC that is where I am......I seen way too many. I always felt like why not make out at home. No need to show everyone that your making out with your GF/BF. This is personal matters.
Your feelings kindly, ok. But more important to me is still honesty. We are direct, but not as fast as most people think. It is also always after a few times of meeting etc. Not on day 1 or 5. It is always with signs and hints in a conversation after a while. And it is the first time that I hear that we do not ask that, I have always known that we ask do you want to be my girlfriend, do you want a relationship with me? Since I was 11 years old in my childhood in the 80s. If we do not do that, it is as if we are an intruder, we are that smart too. People who do that according to you. Are people who are not interested in a relationship. But just in sex and after a while dump or dump directly. But that is not only to foreign women, also to women from their own culture and country. I love Asian women, but also other women from other cultures, countries as well as my own culture and country. For me it is about which direction the feelings go after meeting a few times and during the conversations. How honest they are, it can be towards friends or towards a relationship. The spark must come from both sides. And yes it can be disappointment, but better sooner than waiting too long. The more feelings build up the harder the disappointment will hit. And that does not only apply to the man.
This was fun to watch for me (Dutch guy) and my Japanese wife. I never tried to find a Japanese on purpose and it just happened. From these topics only being direct is something I do. Now me and my wife have found common ground on how to communicate. Both styles are not better or worse, just different. The most important is mutual understanding for each other and the willingness to our best for each other and patience. I would not have gotten the smiley thing either, but also wouldn't have gone mad saying bad words. That is just awful to me and not a proper response ever.
Humility and patience are a cultural asset of many Asians. Western people are often more self-centered and demanding. But the habit of beating around the bush for the sake of saving face is very difficult for us. ;)
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good wives: 1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language 2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them 3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time 4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves 5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the ones pretending they can befriending them.
This is very interesting and I thank you for sharing those informations with your Viewers. In Germany the 4 Points are like this (Note: This differs from person to person and I will speak of how a well behaved mature person would act): 1. We don‘t like to be very close to one another unless we are already in the Relationship and prefer to take it more slowly. We want to be sure that our Partner wants to get close with us and not force them. 2.We want to know what our Partner does like and does not like to make them happy and avoid to make them upset. We make ourselves very clear in that to not accidentally hurt each other by mistake or force Situations where one could feel himself to be uncomfortable. 3. We need clear Communication, especially over agreements. We often say that „Communication is Key“ and we need to clarify how a Relationship will go on. We don‘t want People around us that we can not stand for personal reasons and we don‘t want to have a big Drama over a minor thing. Also, we don‘t want to hurt the other Person more badly in not telling them we are not interested (that’s what bad people would do). If we are not interested, we will tell you right away. 4. We do ask the one we love to get together and become a Couple if the Person agrees. A single „No“ however will lead to the Person asking the Question, to not ask again! So if you are not sure and don‘t want them to leave tell them something like: „Maybe?“ „Let‘s spend some more time together.“ „I am not sure, but I do like you. Please give me some time.“ Something like that. Again. This is what a normal and mature person would do. Be sure to learn about other Cultures or you may kill your Friendships, Relationships and potential Partnerships. Have a nice day everyone.
I think that the respect and tolerance to other people's culture must be mutual. It's cool to learn about each other, discovering new things and find things in common
Culture doesn't matter much, what you need to attract women: Look good or have money/influence/a good job. This is true in every culture. Also never trust what a women says she likes in front of the camera.
@@mcmarkmarkson7115 They are all important. If you look like a model, are super rich, and rage like a barbarian every time y'all have a miscommunication, she won't want to be around you :/
@@joeljude9180 Do you know of anyone that looks like a model, is super rich and rages like a barbarian but is without somebody? Women especially have a big tolerance for bad boys. Men are far less likely to stay in abusive relationships, but there is an increasing number of such losers.
I’m a Spanish girl and I think my personality matches much more with the Japanese culture. For example, I could never date a guy if he doesn’t ask me about it formally. That’s one of the reasons why it gets really difficult for me to adapt to my own country’s culture, because in Spain, people tend to be extremely extroverted and honest. ^^U
I’m Spanish, descendant of Conquistadors here in the Southwest United States. We have are different, more rough around the edges. More of, “ I like this girl she is mine now”…lol
Agreed with the extroverted part (Spaniards are just too extroverted, even invasive) but I don't think they're honest at all. My impression is as they thought they are the only person existing in this world, so they can do and say whatever they want without caring for anybody's feelings. I don't like this pathological lack of empathy, but in the other hand there's the other extreme (even I the same person), a kind of national paranoia who leads them to think everything said at them is an insult or an attack. I really don't like that, because hinders communication to the point of making it impossible... I'm also from Spain btw
I was in Japan at the end of July this year and got to see a little of the interactions of the people there. I understand that there they do not like to break that imposed "harmony", which means that they do not want to hurt others by being direct or they consider that being direct is being aggressive and rude. This creates a bigger problem, since they act indirectly and keep things to themselves, so they are not sincere either, and in the end, believing that it is better not to say things directly is selfish, since I can do more damage yet. Know what the other thinks and not fix it. As a society, although they are perfect in education and ethics, they must improve a lot in their relationships, in relation to work and women's rights, in addition to accepting foreigners a little more, instead of becoming so rooted in their culture. I'm not saying to lose its essence or its culture either, but not to be so conservative. It's a shame because it is a great country and if they don't improve that, they will be destroyed. Besides, I agree with you, the same thing happens to me. I also can't stand them invading my personal space if I don't know the person or they are not my friend, nor that in this country they are so noisy. I love the stillness and peace there was in Tokyo.
In terms of relationships, I feel it's really important to be direct in terms of how we feel as soon as we're able to. It prevents wasting the time of the person that aimed to be in a serious relationship, like that they can quickly know in advance that they can move on to look for someone else who may be more interested and likely to accept dates. Sure being friendzoned hurts, but at least it's better that it's being addressed sooner rather than have it drag on to where it would hurt a lot more for being falsely led. Being straight to the point saves a lot of trouble for both parties.
The first three things you mentionned be reassured, some foreigner dislike the same things as you that people of their own country do. Because to some, it is totally unpolite, rude and excess of comfort of them to be this close physically and verbally. They take you for granted and then you lost control over self protection towards them.
I have found the kindest way to let a man down without embarrassing him is to say, “I really enjoy your friendship, but I don’t sense that we have the chemistry to be a couple and I don’t want to lead you on.” Most of the time the men have stayed friends with me. A few times their sense of entitlement got the better of them and they became rude or worse. In these cases I really had to shut them down hard. My father taught me to not accept any disrespect from a man no matter where they are from.
ten big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends: 1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak badly their language 2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them 3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time 4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves for some reason 5 they are too serious , they only swears by work-work all their life and by their nonsense rules, they don't care about humanity 6 they're very money-driven 7 they refuse to invite you in their homes without explaining you why and considers your appart like a museum 8 they don't wants affection 9they believe lies told by their xenophobic elders who bash foreigners 10 they abandon us suddenly by "ghosting" interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't annoy me with "nyeeeeh therez ppl r like them in da world" please.
My experience as a man has been that every girl (who does not like me) goes out of their way to waste as much of my time as possible and punish me for the crime of even trying. They act like they're interested right up until the moment of betrayal. It seems to be a game to them. I haven't been able to come up with any other explanation than it's just a form of entertainment. They do it because they can. After all, I'm a man, so I'm like an inanimate object outside the scope of morality. My thanks to the few girls out there who tell it like it is. Dating would be a much easier place to navigate if people stuck with the truth.
As a german guy, I totally agree on the first point. Personal space is very important and I wouldn't want that much physical contact with a stranger on the first date either as well as having their face right in front of me. That's just some common sense not to do and has something to do with respect and good manners. For both two and three, I think it might be hard for other people getting used to it. Especially for me as a German, because we tend to be very direct to each other but without the intention to actually "hurt" the other persons feelings or disrespecting them. Fourth point depends on the persons involved, i guess. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It also depends on the time spent together. But it's very good to know anyways. People can adapt to that. Thank you very much for your great video :)
dryl90. I lived in Europe in the late 80's. It was my experience that Germans were very much in your face. As an American I always thought that was kind of strange.
I think I’m fine with most of these points, specially number 1. I like to protect my personal space lol. The one I find awkward is not being direct. I like people to tell me clearly what they want or think. But when it comes to relationships it’s ok not being so direct. Some of my rejections came in the form of “I’m flattered but …” , “I’m not ready to date rn” etc. What is the nationality of the guy you rejected and got angry. I think more than cultural might be personality. I know guys from Mexico and heard Americans can be like that. But again, I think it’s more of their personalities. My wife is Chinese and before we started dating she had a similar experience. They fit after being rejected, started insulting her and insulting China. Those are sore losers.
Guy from America here! You are correct. Any guy that is rejected and becomes angry and verbally abusive is NOT the kind of guy you want to be with. I think it shows they really did not care in the first place and were looking for a woman to be a possession, not a girlfriend.
@@ajosralastname7823 LOL! Naw, really an American. Born in Western New York. Bloodlines: 30% Scottish, 30%German, 25% Dutch and 15% Native American Mohawk. I really like highlighting the Mohawk side from time to time! I would be the 6th generation born in America. Welcome to the Great Melting Pot! Was going to marry into the Japanese culture and move there.
Hi, All of it makes a lot of meaning. I like your video a lot. 1. I think it kind of common sense to keep distance if you don't know if there is reciprocity feeling for it. I'm from Slovakia and I live in the UK. I think everywhere in the world people should be respectful in this. 2. I think it very good habit to care about others feelings and suggest what could be better in terms of communication. That is one of wide phenomena which is spread Japan more than elsewhere and I love it. I think it is very inspirational. It supports cooperation instead of only pushing one's opinion etc. 3. Nice point of view. I like how you tried to find a best way how to act. It happen to me as well with Europeans girls when they reply only like this etc. but it might be also onto the guy to find out if the interest is genuine. I have a lot of situations like this online or in real life and I have become and an expert in distinguishing between honest interest and coldness. Guys should learn that because it is not always easy for girl to tell that. 4. I find Kokuhaku culture is very cute and it may help with a lot of misunderstanding. We might have it but maybe not as much as you. From my perspective there may be a lot of signs, actions, behaviour which kind of makes two close to each other. Sometimes words, habits, weddings, kokuhaku do not grasp it properly and somebody may be more close to someone even without doing kukohaku or else but on other hand words and habits may help us clarify things as in science and in common situations... I try to observe situations for example. ----And Btw. I love Japan! Your culture is amazing, your men and women, which creates great perspective for future. I think we are very complementary Europeans and Japanese. I send lot of love... it so good that we are learning from each other!
Hi, I just wanted to mention that it's probably a good idea to be honest as well as open minded to other cultures and that there's many different ways of expressing. Try not to be too vague. Sometimes being direct will keep you from guessing what the other person is all about and how they feel. It would be nice if we could all be mind readers or more simply,be gifted to know what you are saying with body language or even conversation from a person not face to face/ or long distance relationship! Everyone is different . Thanks for this information on this 😊
Long ago when i was stationed in japan I was in a long term relationship with a Japanese girl that I had know for a long time (prior to moving to Japan). This is very spot on, to this day I am still sad that I couldn't stay in japan or convince my girlfriend to move to the US with me. Compared to my relationships here in the US things are very different, PDA and communication methods being a big part of this. Maybe I have not found the right person yet here but I feel like my relationship in japan was more mature (probably a poor word choice) even though my later relationships were when both me and my partners were older. Great video!
I've been to Japan four times because I absolutely love the culture and the people. Your video is a perfect example of the beautiful hearts of the Japanese. I think Japanese men would rarely get angry like your Western friend did. Love the Kokuhaku culture. I wasn't aware of that. Thank you for teaching us more about your beautiful way of life. Can't wait to get back to 🎌❤
I have been married 10 years however I started learning Japanese a few moths ago and what I have learned is that there is a level of respect and understanding we just don’t have in America also there is a lot of boundaries you just don’t cross and a huge vagueness in the way you talk with others so I can totally understand how this would be upsetting for you! I hope you find that person that makes you happy you are very beautiful inside snd out and deserve to be respected as an individual! Thank you for sharing all this info this is not just useful for people trying to date this is the level of respect you need to have for all your peers especially in Japan! Thanks again sorry for my rant!
Absolutely loved my time in Japan and loved so many different things there. Dating there always seemed far too convoluted and a number of guys I knew ran into serious drama, so I generally steered clear. This would've gone out the window had I met someone who simply knocked me out, but alas, there's no predicting when that could happen and it simply didn't. Such is life.
Regardless of cultural differences; no one is entitled to your affection. It's reasonable to be disappointed when someone doesn't reciprocate romantic interest, but it's unreasonable to be angry. Just relax & find someone who is interested in you, & be friends with the person isn't:)
It's not the lack of reciprocation that makes people angry but lack of respect. Of course that's still not an excuse to allow your anger to take control however I completely disagree about being "friends" with someone that you are interested in but who isn't interested in you because there won't be mutual respect within the so called "friendship". I say it's better to cut off all communication with that person entirely. You can and should still be friendly and respectful. However trying to be "friends" is really just a waste of time.
@@mrsticky005 Respect is subjective and cultural, but it seems the West thinks if everyone doesn't think like them, they are "wrong". I don't know where you're from, but it sounds like Americentrism to me. Just because someone disrespects you unintentionally doesn't mean you always have to lash out in a tirade of anger. There are other ways to solve your problems. Clear communication that someone offended you or hurt you could suffice and would probably be more effective in a calm and rational manner than a temper tantrum. And when the person explains why they weren't direct, accept this answer and move on. If you can't handle being "friends" than don't be. But don't ever go into a country just to date Japanese women either. They don't have the same dating culture there. Most of them meet people from school and work or through mutual friends, people they know well, feel safe around, and those their families approve of. They are usually childhood friends, so even if rejected, they stay friends without any harm, unlike Westerners, especially Americans. If you're not making any effort to be a Japanese citizen or learn the culture, why would anyone try to date anyone in Japan? Dating isn't for fun, it's for marriage and building families. If you don't plan on being a citizen, making friends, learning the job culture, and other important social cues, dating in Japan overall is a waste of time. Gain a mature mindset around dating, and rejection would seem more realistic to you. It's not just the women who rejected you, but the man dodged a bullet too. Could he really see himself married to her and having children with her? If he doesn't like how she handled things, then that's a red flag that he should be happy he saw, instead of getting angry about it. Instead he ended up looking like the dummy.
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends: 1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language 2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them 3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time 4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves 5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the weeaboo people pretending they can befriending them.
repeating confessions isn't really a thing in western culture. It kinda becomes more on the girl to show interest if she does change her mind or not. But a guy repeating his confessions is kinda gross and can be seen as desperate. Also yeah the no kokuhaku stuff to start a relationship is pretty tough to navigate for guys. Normally like a gift or something is a common way to say that you like someone. And yeah when it comes to not showing interest and stuff its kinda better to minimize engagement emojis are kinda seen as a cute behaviour so may end up attracting someone more, especially if they lack social skills
True. Also I would be interested in the number of repeated confessions in Japan. What is too much? Is 3 the limit? When does it become creepy and desperate there too?
interesting! we japanese like, if someone said " I kokuhaku to this girl but failed..." then we friend will say "is your love is that much?! you give up because she said no just for once?!?!"😂
@@mochirealjapanese3430 Definitely sounds like a cultural difference. It can be romantic to be persistent if it pays off. But from western stand point if you are just annoying them, then it becomes creepy and gross if they keep rejecting them. It some times can ruin relationship entirely. Other times people will go as far as involving the law and even destroying some ones reputation.
@@abc123tiktok Once it was like that in the west as well, reason for which there are many western stories, movies, tv series, etc... in which a man is persistent in his pursuing of a woman or girl until he finally manages to convince her, it is only recently that the west became more strict in that sense
Wow the kokohaku culture is also true in other places. I'm from the middle-east and it's so weird for me in the US that if someone asks you to go eat outside or meet somewhere, you're kinda automatically assumed to be in a romantic relationship. In my country, while asking someone to meet up somewhere shows that you probably like them, you do have to actually ask them to become your boyfriend or girlfriend for the romantic relationship to start. So glad Japan is the same😂😅
No not really most people in the US don't really care about what you are doing unless they need to mind their own business or you're in a small town with nothing to do but gossip.
Just eating with a girl doesn't mean you're dating. But if you're repeatedly doing dating activities then it should not be surprising if one of the both of the pair decides that "yeah, this means we're dating." Generally, the first couple of dates should be about establishing what the relationship is and whether it's going to continue on or break up. Though there is a very annoying trend among people nowadays to "not put a label" on their relationship, and then you get craziness like "we've been going out for six months but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend." It can also lead to problems with miscommunication about how serious the relationship is, or whether they're supposed to be exclusive or not, etc.
@@kilerog I'm a Western woman. I'm bipolar with gray-asexuality due to phobia of pregnancy and child of abuse. If a guy approaches me, asking to date me, there will be high conditions he has to meet, practically, because I'm baggage, even if some guys think I look good. Some western guys think girls shouldn't have any high standards at all, but they don't seem to be realistic about relationships, marriage, and family, which is what dating leads to. I usually just turn guys down because I know dating me is difficult. But some insist or even get angry when I do. And I don't always want to explain my personal business. If someone asks me out, this means they are trying to impress me and get to know me, not the other way around. Therefore, for me, I do not consider myself officially dating someone until a year has passed. That's my condition. If I ask a guy out, I have to meet his condition. But if it's me being asked out, you have to convince ME. That might seem a long time to a lot of guys; this is why I don't date. Six months is too short for me. But I need that time to make sure that someone can be trusted, is safe, is kind, has a good temperament, shares my values on life, etc. If someone says they don't "want to put a label on it", there's nothing wrong with that if they are unsure. I'd rather you say that then jump in too quickly. That makes you seem unrealistic to me. Someone who doesn't want a label is someone who realizes they aren't sure of you yet or they have other things going on. If someone doesn't like that phrase, they don't have to date them. But I personally appreciate a "no labels" approach because it allows us to get to know one another without expectation, as human beings before lovers, if that's your intention. Before you become my boyfriend, husband, and father of my children, I need you to become my friend. Personally, the only guys I've been on the fence of not rejecting have been childhood friends who seemed to have never changed much. The guys who've asked how I was doing without asking me on dates. Who worried about my mental and physical health condition. Who drove me to the hospital when I had bad menstrual cramps due to fibroids. Who knew about my abuse and asked me how relatives were doing. Those guys ALMOST made me want to date them, but again, I consider what I can physically and mentally handle in a date, and that varies from person to person. The timestamp of six months seems to be so common to Westerners, particularly Americans, that it's like they can't wrap their heads around the idea of patience. I agree about communicating though. I usually make it very clear from the beginning that it will take me a year to really warm up to anyone, and in that time I will be seeing whether you can be trusted as a boyfriend or husband.
In Brazil there's definitely kokuhaku. Btw, my husband and I started to spend a lot of time together at college. He confessed to me after 1 year, but I told him that I didn't have any feeling for him at the moment and we could see how it would evolve. He continued to spend some time with me, a little less than before, but still we did a lot of things together. Another year passes by, and one day when we were walking together he kissed me. We started dating that day. We've been together for 14 years now.
I wonder how that worked out considering you had already denied him once. So either he read the atmosphere with the kiss and knew it was the right moment or he had a shot in the dark and hoped for the best.
Yeah, in the US we don't really have a kokohaku culture, but in Chile we do. With my wife I essentially just told her that she's mine now, and she later asked me why I never asked her for pololeo which is kokohaku in Chile, and because I was raised in New Jersey, it caught me a bit by surprise because we don't do that there. As I started travelling around the world I realized formally asking to be ones gf is a fairly common practice, so it was interesting that you brought that up. Cheers from abroad
My husband is South African Zulu and Japanese (African American father and Japanese mother) my husband knows our culture well and i’m glad when we travel back to Japan with our Daughter and Son. We have been married for 10 years and it’s a wonderful relationship! My husband is an ex-soldier and i’m a pediatrician and we love your videos! One thing i loved was when we started our relationship we went on a trip to Okinawa and he isolated me so we could talk. He told me he wasn’t perfect and he has a lot of things he will improve. He told me and still says it today “You bring out the best in me” and i love how he treats me and our children. My husband works hard and unlike his time in the military he is always there for us.
This is actual respectable advice. I can see how kindness can easily be misinterpreted, or even mistaken as approachable. Some people may view it as weakness and feel entitled that it's there chance to take advantage. Which i do not like. This is especially true when they overstep your boundaries, and they think they can just start touching you. You'd be surprised at just how ignorant a lot of people can be. Or, the purpose of you making this video is exactly because of these said experiences. Having your guard up is normal for everyone. Anxiety is a thing. So some individuals configure things differently from other's. My challenge is that i am a very open minded person. So it would be hard for me to beat around the bush, or thread lightly. I usually don't shy away from personal questions, and would also like the same in return. But being it's a different culture altogether, i can and will respect the differences. As well as take this advice we'll into consideration. Thank You.
I completely agree with your perspective. It's important to recognize that not all foreigners behave in the ways that are often stereotyped. It's understandable that personal space is important to you, as it is for many people, regardless of their cultural background. Additionally, being too forward and asking personal questions can be seen as rude in many cultures, so it's important to be aware of these cultural differences and show respect for them. I commend you for valuing cultural understanding and taking the time to learn about different cultures before entering into relationships. and as far as that guy who you had issues with is his problem, not yours, you did the right thing. He had a very low esteem, and it was obvious. Being angry and rude to people is not acceptable.
It's funny that Japanese women do not like it when men are direct in general and also demand it in return, but then they also need a direct question from the man to know if they can be a couple. Imagine being denied "kokuhaku" everyday because the man thinks you should just pick up on the fact that you're already dating. That's what those western dudes are going through everyday you expect them to just read the "atmosphere."
I’m sure this has been said many times already, but it’s not okay for anyone to get mad if you’re not interested. If he has not expressed his interest he can’t assume you are. You can ask and see if it’s reciprocated and then go from there, but if it’s not then you can be upset but be mature enough to be understanding and leave on a good note. Just because you might not date it doesn’t mean you have to lose a friend. And as you said, it might grow into that at some point but with no expectations that it will
That was a really immature response to accuse her of lying when she didn't return the guy's feelings. It's the kind of reaction that happens when people make up a fantasy in their mind about what was going to happen. Perhaps she was his first gf and he put all his hopes on this date. It seems like a mistake an inexperienced person would make.
Getting MAD is a sign of a Control freak. Giving a Second chance (reciprocation) to someone You aren't comfortable around is a extremely dangerous move. To separate on BAD terms may sound horrible but Both parties understand the outcome.
in the USA, Confessing your love and Kokuhaku are common during school but not so much as you get older. Dating can be really confusing here since it really depends on where you grew up. I am from Philly, pa and folks there are very direct. However, that isn't the case in most other parts of the country. For Example, Los Angeles has a very complex dating scene since so many diverse folks live here from all different kinda of backgrounds, cultures and countries. In fact, you often have to ask where someone is from to figure out the best way to approach asking them out, what level of personal questions will make them comfortable, and what "dates" consist of.
Agreed, it's like. Sometimes kids will kokuhaku , but then when we get older We stop and now it seems like if we ask them out to coffee or a movie it's equivalent to asking. I've dated a lot. And finally found the right one to marry. But geeeeeeeeeeeez it is a nightmare to get here.
Everyone is different. Valuing personal space is normal. Edit: A different place doesn't really specify the person on their personality. Yes, there are some different cultures. In which some will act based on their culture. But for the majority and overall. Everyone is the same as in you can find personality traits from a person in Japan to match a person that is in Africa. Nerdy shy, anime lover, jock style personality, pretty boy personality, rude, nice guy, etc. Personality traits is based on individuals and doesn't come with country or culture.
About kokuhaku... the guy you were dating, I think he was presumptuous. Every relationship I have ever been with, including with my wife, I asked if they would like to be my girlfriend or at least see each other exclusively. We don't usually get into relationships without confirming we're in a relationship.
@@laclochard I'm not speaking about the incel that cursed her out. Geez, that guy was delusional. I meant the guy she was dating and went to the BBQ with.
As an Italian, I get the "get too much into my personal space" thing a lot, even just with male friends from other countries. It's definitely something I always try to keep in mind when I'm travelling abroad, but sometimes I just do it unconsciously
The "modern" North-American style has a late kokuhaku of sorts. Two people who like each other will start dating/hanging out more and more, and will become more physical, and THEN maybe a few weeks/months later, one of the two will ask "so are we a couple?"
@@AzzRushman Get closer to each other first and make it official / confess immediately to someone you barely know to get to know them, pick one, but none of them will be like Disney or Hollywood romcoms
This was an interesting video. I've heard guy telling that this Kokuhaku thing was strange for them, as Japanese girls wanted to get confirmation, while the guy was just trying to get to know them better. For example, for me, it often takes monthes of mutual programs to finally decide that I'd like to get together with that girl (and by that time, some of the girls often give up hopes). Also, that "reading the situation" thing is really a forté of Japanese people, and it's one of the reasons Japanese movies get remade for foreign audiences, as simply conveying emotions or mood through showing pictures is often not enough for foreigners, they need dialogue and often exposition of what's happening. For those, who are not used to Japanese cinema, these scenes could just feel boring, as nothing is happening in their eyes.
That movie part is quite bs imo because ive been watching their drama and anime since I was young, their expositions have different vibes but not to the extreme extent you mentioned. If anything western and other asian media often do have shows and movies where “nothing is going on” often. Christopher Nolan’s works are an obvious example.
@@SeraphimFaith I have a hunch that by watching them since you were young, you got used to those different vibes. Having a Japanese friend, I also watched Japanese cinema. so I also consider them enjoyable, but several of my acquaintences complained that they didn't feel there's enough information for them to understand situations, when the movie tried to tell the exposition by showing us expessions. You can test this with your friends - show them your favourite Japanese stories, and ask them their impressions.
we do have some similar dating methods to kokuhaku here in the philippines. we call it Ligaw (Lee - ghaw). its actually a dating period where couples get to know each other but it has to be mentioned by the person who wants to start the relationship and once his/her partner is satisfied, he/she would say yes.
Great that you share these thoughts on relationships. I did not know about kokuhaku and I think it is not so common in Europe to ask explicitly but it is often assumed as obvious after the couple spends more time together and is close to each other. The anniversary day is often "the first day we've met", not the "date of kokuhaku declaration" ❤
Thank you! This was very informative. I really like the No “kokuhaku” culture part. I like the asking to be bf/gf very much. A level of mutual respect for each other, and for the relationship. I too prefer to have a specific date on the calendar I can look back on. It grants you both a very real way to see the relationship grow. Thank you again for this informative today! I hope you have an excellent day! You have made my own day so much better.
The difference between high and low context culture, was the biggest problem for me - not only with women, but sometimes in business. As a German, I am brutally direct and honest. When I adapted to that, my life was so much easier. Oh, and the one important question you shouldn't forget! I almost lost my girlfriend because she thought I wasn't serious about her. It was clear to me after the first kiss that we are in a committed relationship 😅 But I still knew the date from the first kiss and we agreed that the date is for confession 😊 Btw: I am talking about my experiences in South Korea but they are comparable.
@@aufsteigerup7222 "Brutaly direct" not according to German standards. You can still get by in business with normal German politeness. But that's also because in the business world you're more likely to meet people who take intercultural differences into account. But in private life, you need to adapt more to avoid offending others.
You are spot on. When I was in the Navy we traveled all over and even though I didn't travel to Japan I agree most guys have that mindset that it's the same everywhere. We went to clubs all around the world but the difference with me is that I observed the culture and took my time. When I talked with other women I was very respectful so in turn a lot of women stayed in contact through letters and phone calls. They Love BM trust me.
Hi Mochi-sensei and thank you for your video. First of all, I must say, you are too cute and calm! When you were telling the story about your boyfriend and talking about anniversaries, it reminded me of high school, it was really adorable! But secondly, I wanted to speak on some of the things you brought up. I'm sorry that you got into the negative situation with the friend that liked you. I will just say that not all non-Japanese men would respond the same way in that situation. I think most of us would be at worst, confused because we thought that you liked us, not angry because our assumption was wrong. Just so you know the other side, whereas here in Japan, oftentimes friends turn into lovers, in the US, that is NOT the case. What that means is that men are forced to do everything they can to make a woman not see him as a "friend" so that he can avoid, at all costs, being placed into the hell that is known as, "The Friend Zone." If you ask any US male friend of yours, they will tell you how horrible of a situation that is. So we are always in a rush to make a girl that we like see us in an attracted way, not a friendly way. So that is why you notice the closeness, touching, etc., so early on in the relationship. When it comes to kokuhaku culture, we do have that in the US too, but it’s not as Black and White as it tends to be here in Japan. The reason for that is that unlike Japan, the US highly values individuality and it doesn’t have a single culture that everyone follows. There are a plethora of cultures in the States in addition to everyone feeling the need to do their own thing, as a rule. So sometimes, as in your case, people ignore the “kokuhaku”, but I think most of the time, people follow this. In the US, people often date, hold hands, kiss, and are intimate with each other before they are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. However, I think that for most, they are not “Official” until a conversation has been had about them being in a “committed” relationship. So after high school, it’s not always a guy asking a girl to be his girlfriend, using that specific phrase, but I don’t think most people go around calling someone their girlfriend when at least a clear conversation about their status, hasn’t been had. But once again, there are always exceptions. The misunderstanding part and the directness kind of go hand in hand and I think it’s important for a Japanese woman who is going to decide to date a non-Japanese man, to understand this. The “reading of the room” talent, I think only really works with other Japanese people. I think that is because Japanese value peace over individuality so it is easy for a Japanese person to guess what another Japanese person is thinking/feeling. But when it comes to people from the US especially, in my opinion, that superpower fails Japanese. I had a girlfriend (oh, I live in Japan, by the way) who used to try to do it all of the time to me and she was wrong about what I was thinking/feeling most of the time. I asked her to just listen to me because I told her how I felt/what I thought. Back to being direct, the whole reason for this is to remove the possibility of being misunderstood. But all in all, of course when it comes to cross-cultural relationships, both parties must be willing to be flexible and understanding of each other and the differences in each other’s cultures, in order to make the relationship work. Thank you so much for your video! I especially appreciate the advice to not give up and the explanation you gave because this really confused me. I had a friend who I’d held hands with, even kissed, but she still said to me that she still saw me as a friend and this really confused me. I had no idea what she meant or how she felt, and maybe she was thinking/feeling what you said in your video. I guess one last cultural difference: In the US, this is not really the case. Once a girl has “Friend Zoned” you, getting out of that space is almost impossible and asking a girl out (kokuhaku) multiple times after she has already said no is borderline harassment so yeah, if you really like an American guy and he does ask you out, please don’t “test his love” by saying no when you think yes, because he probably won’t ask again, trying to be respectful of your wishes. I’m sorry for this long reply but I hope that I helped answer some of your own questions. 良い一日を！
Very detailed and honest answer you gave her Jay. I wanted to say something similar but you already done it. I also lived in Korea the past 12 years, and recently came back to my homeland. However, in Korea they have something similar with this kokuhaku thing( in Korean way). Its very childish or immature to ask a women in this way, from where Im coming from. She'll probably walk away right away from you. When I was a teen 13-14 yo I did that, thats the age, but in high schooll we re more mature and no one will do it anymore! .. but she's so cute, isn't it?
Very, very underrated comment. The only thing I would argue is that the Japanese drastically overrate their ability to "read the room", and it really shows. I think they tend to insist on it because it is so engrained in their culture, but the fact is that when you actually look at things more carefully, there are a LOT of unhappy and miserable people in Japan precisely because of a lack of healthy communication and understanding, along with a very poor sense of conflict resolution (primarily due to their overwhelming desire to avoid conflict). A lot of that contributes to high rates of cheating, sexless, unhappy marriages, and especially the high suicide rates. You actually highlighted a great example of the fallacy with your (ex?) girlfriend. I just thought I would point out that from my own observation, it doesn't work that well even for Japanese people. No matter how "good" you get at it, misunderstandings are far too easy, and in a very Japanese way, often go unaddressed until it is too late.
Great video, it really helped me understand the Japanese culture better. Also i want to say that points 1,2 and 3 are pretty much common sense in my country (South Eastern Europe), so for me, specially the guy who got angry at you, it felt like those people were lacking in the manners department. Either way Thank you for a good representation.
7:00 no, Mochi. You did nothing wrong. Guys need to learn to be more clear about their feelings too. As you said, he never said anything about the way he felt, he can't expect you to tell him you like/don't like him first. Don't let this memory gaslight you, you've done nothing wrong!
Exactly, THANK YOU!! The poor girl is excusing that abusive man and blaming herself thinking that's a 'cultural' thing. Yeah, a culture of misogynistic guys out there. Women don't owe anything to those entitled abusive men.
Most definitely more Japanese girls would like white men since that's the typical American and most jp girls like to get to know about American culture but not sure about blacks I'm a light skin guy so I'm not sure unless you got dreads and a good style but most Asians especially Chinese would not perfer us
We have a similar culture in the Netherlands regarding the personal space and kokuhaku. Most of the time we are direct and indirect at the same time, it really depends on the situation and question that we are being asked. That being said however, we will almost always be honest when someone asks for our own opinion and point it out and correct when someone is not either not quite right or not being honest about something. Unless that Dutch person is a politician, he will always be honest no matter what the situation is.
(My experience as an Australian) I find that the idea of 'kokuhaku' is more of a thing with younger couples: high-school and very early adulthood. But as we get older the 'formality' sort of goes away. So how do you know when to celebrate anniversary? Usually it ends up being first kiss, or confessing/professing love, or something like that.
It sounds to me like the foreigner guys you've had experience with are just not great guys. lol Also, Puerto Rico also has Kukuhaku. We don't call it that, obviously, but we do have the same "Will you be my girlfriend?" culture.
Yeah, I definitely got that vibe watching this video. Personal space violation is something a creep would do thinking he's putting on some moves, the texting guy was a straight up incel. The guy not asking her out... I've never even heard of that happening.
Kokuhaku used to be standard practice in the United States a long time ago, but wasn't practiced regularly from the late 70's to now. As time went on, morals and manners took a sharp decline. The culture became lazy and most things were taken for granted, or expected. Many traditions died or were lost along the way. It's all quite tragic and sad, but I have hope that someday it will come back into style and be practiced regularly, as it should be. I really enjoyed your video, it was very informative and enlightening. I hope to visit Japan someday, my sister spent 5 years there, her husband was in the military. She loved it very much. Anyway, loved the video, love you, take care and stay safe ❤️.
I think here it was called "courtship" and even that word was kinda ill defined except people would kinda cut short making a pass as soon as they found that out.
Wait, that's not still a thing? People are really just assuming now? Not even a "You wanna go out with me?" question? Just "I guess we are dating now"? So what happens when they introduce the other as their SO and that's not the case? Why would you want to go through the embarrassment of being corrected to an audience? That's just fucking dumb.
As a Brit I'll address the Kokuhaku one. We are taught that 'no means no'. If a guy asks a girl to be bf/gf and she says 'no', he will generally take that as final. Some don't but in our culture that can be problematic because the line between not giving up and hassling the person is a very fine one. Since Me Too (some of which was long overdue to be fair), men have become a lot more cautious because it is much safer to take 'no' as 'no'. If you are going to be interested in guys from English-speaking countries, you need to be aware that we are not mind readers. We prefer women to communicate clearly because it is safer that way. If you are dating a guy and you say 'no' because you are looking for proof of his love/devotion (etc), don't be too shocked if he bounces. Also, if after a few days of silence you contact him to ask why and tell him he was meant to pursue you, do not be too surprised if he gets annoyed and says something along the lines of 'if you mean yes, then just say that'. Good video though, some useful information in it.
Hi Mochi just found your channel and I find it refreshing. Thank you for the insight really appreciate the info so as to not ever cross that red line with a Japanese woman. Great advise!! Stay safe! ❤❤🙏🙏🙏👍👍
Many American women have been writing in emojis for years, so I can get why he misunderstood. I had been "dating" my wife, she's filipino, for almost 3 months when I called her one day and got my first tampo. She hung up on me. Later, she called me back and she was like, "I need to know what is going on with us. Are you my boyfriend. Are we friends? What are we?" I was like I thought you are my girlfriend. "You never asked me to be your girlfriend. You never asked me to be only your girl." I really didn't know the obvious needed to be stated. She had the same worries over having an anniversary.
I have noticed in Ireland the asking a girl to be your girlfriend has slowly diminished. We used to go to dances and the DJ would put on a slow set. The boys would get the courage up and ask a girl they liked for a dance. If she said yes that was good. as you danced you would chat then ask her name if you got that it was good. After the dance you may ask to walk her home or meet again.If you went on a date you would ask would you go out with me. In other words would you be my girlfriend. At this stage the girl would either say yes or I think we should just stay friends. Now everything seems to be over the phone or internet. Very hard to give someone a rose oner the phone. Older days Older ways ah I do miss them
I met a friend at the crossroads. while we were talking a girl who I had never seen before came up the road. He said here she comes talk of the town, I am going to go out with her next. He was still dating one of her friends at the time. I said oh you cant do that. Why he asks. Because I am going to marry her. This was before she could hear what we were saying before I ever met her. What are you guys talking about, she asked when she got to us. You, I said, what did you say? Ill tell you on our fist date. That was 1975 she was 14 I was 16... we are still together. I don't know why I said I was going to marry her. It was out of character for me but it just felt like she was going to be my wife and I was very excited to meet her for the first time. 48 years later I still say I have not got used to being around her yet and she jokes (i hope) you are on probation, I am not sure if you are the right guy. Basically I am still chasing her and she is still playing hard to get.
@@justinfufun5483 wow! That’s super sweet and I commend you. From my personal experience, only advice I can give is to cherish EVERY possible second you have with her. The ones we care most for can be taken from us in the blink of an eye
In my experience in the US a few weeks or maybe months in there's always been a conversation about making a relationship official. I.E. "are we boyfriend/girlfriend?" Or "I want to be your boyfriend" etc Idk maybe it's a Midwest thing.
I met a Japanese girl through Pairs app and we have been long distance chatting since January. She's currently living far away from Kanto but we already made plans to meet each other for the first time and stay together for a few days.. I am really nervous because it's my first time dating and not sure when is the best time to confess to her but watching your tips, made feel ready before visiting her. Thank you!
@@Foden5354 Well, I could always go back and cancel the trip but we've been video chatting for how many months now so we, basically, already know each other at this point, just virtually. Plus, if she wasn't interested, she could've ignored or sent one word of text to me but she didn't and we already carefully discussed it together. That's long-distance chat in a nutshell.
I've had a couple of Japanese gfs in Japan as a western man. I never asked them if they would be my gf. It just naturally happened. You can have an anniversary based on the day you met someone, or the day you had your first kiss, or something like that. I can't imagine ever asking a woman if she would be my gf. I think it has to happen naturally. That's too formal for me.
Well you are one lucky bastard, I never ask girls if they would be my gf. It never happens naturally so I just gave up on the thing as a whole. Maybe I might have more luck in Japan; as a European guy in the USA I have 0.
three reasons why japanese doesn't make good friends: first, they makes zero efforts to speak other languages and anyway when we try to speak japanese they laugh at our accents and they don't forgive bad pronounciations secondly, they refuse to show their feelings no matter how polite, kind and respectful we are. just because they refuse to put us in their friendship circle for some reason (in fact it's only when they get drunk, it's just pathetic) and thirdly, they love to criticize the others in their back. they judge us without knowing us, they don't give us any chance. they don't tell our mistakes, how can we improve ourselves. i like japan, for what it has naturally, but i do not get why its locals are so well seen in the world. they don't deserve that weeaboo praise.
Exactly like me. I just think some guys are too obsessed to get into a relationship with some Japanese girls, that they can't really understand them. When it's supposed to happen, just forget those stereotypes of ''Japanese girls''
Maybe that's why none of your girlfriends stayed with you, because you're just waiting for everything to happen by itself instead of knowing what you want and making it happen.
Honestly I think point 3 and 4 contradict each other in a sense. You don't want to be direct, but you want to be asked about the relationship status directly. This feels unintuitive to me. Also trying Kokuhaku many times and trying to change someones mind seems similar to the concept of "Friendzone" or stalking or a rather abusive relationship, which are all considered unhealthy. How would you feel if the guy from point 3 just kept on trying to confess to you and change your mind even though you told him you're not interested?
I agree completely. In my experience with women from different cultures this isn't a culture issue; it's a woman issue. It doesn't matter how nice and quiet or how loud or over the top two different women are, either one can be immature and play games. A lot of times stories like the authors they will be playing the field and interested in multiple people at the same time and know someone is into them while stringing them along. They will also trying to save face and say "oh I just like him as a friend " with friends and family that ask about it so they have an easy out if they like someone else slightly more. I don't like that the guy got angry, it's better to show it doesn't bother you and you have options, but I also don't blame him either. The fact that she wants guy four to keep trying so she may change her mind later just shows the power dynamic and immaturity as well. It's not worth it for a guy to stick around, better to move on at this point. If you told me stories 3 and 4 were at the same time I'd believe it.
What I got is that they're not straightforward so they do baby steps and to confirm the relationship they do the 4th part to clear things up. So instead of being too direct they are very subtle but they eventually have to set things straight so the confession part happens. I think it's cute. And it sucks that it doesn't happen everywhere.
We foreigners at least want some closure. If people dont want to meet us again, it is fine. But at least, show some signs of consideration and respect to express rejection in a better way. I know in Japan, ghosting people is kinda common but sometimes, this affects the people who are being ghosted mentally and emotionally.
kind opf funny how the "reading the room" is almost reversed when it comes to the confession thing lmao, in the US generally two people MAY have a conversation on the status of the relationship but we kind of "just know" its official before that convo ever happens. Its more of a confirmation then a request from the guy.
1:46 As a German man in Japan I thought Japanese people are getting too close often, which either made me feel uncomfortable or sent butterflies through my stomach. 2:36 One of the first three questions Japanese people, especially girls usually ask is if you have a girlfriend, or not, which is so direct. In Germany, this question can be a little bit awkward. 8:03 Many Japanese girls think Kokuhaku culture is a Japanese thing so they don't expect it from foreigners. But of course, to a level, this exists in every culture. So if you are only looking for something serious you should always wait for some kind of verbal contract before indulging in your animal instincts.
That foreign guy who got mad because you rejected him was wrong to be upset. it wasn't your fault. He sounds like an entitled American who can't handle rejection like an adult. I'm not sure if he was American, but a lot of American men act like that. You did nothing wrong.
#4 We do and we don't here in the USA, though it's usually a little more subtle; funny that Japanese people are not direct, as you said, but in this instance they are more direct than foreigners lol. It really depends on who you are dating. Most of my relationships we eventually say something like "do you mind if I call you my girlfriend?" Also, there is usually a period of dating where you don't use the word "love", and so the first time you tell someone you love them, that is when your relationship is considered committed.
For Americans, the directness varies depending on the region you are from. People in large cities are very direct and don't care about hurting your feelings or getting into your personal space (because basically there is no personal space ). People in the Southern regions of America do not want to hurt other's feelings if they can avoid it. If a couple likes each other there is no need to "pop the question" for just being together, we reserve that for marriage because it makes marriage more special and there are going to be many times girls will change their mind about you before she is close enough to ask the question. Agreed, men should not be physically all over women they are dating. Being too touchy feely is both rude and often sends the wrong signal. Not even in America should this be done yet there are a lot of American men that think they are God's gift to women. Now, that said, trying to date a Japanese woman is like trying to catch a deer in the forest they are too easily frightened away so the chase isn't really worth the effort.
You are right about the personal space thing, generally speaking in Australia we don't have too many close talkers (the ones that are are usually have a foreign background) because we have heaps of space. Surprises me the Japanese don't like because they are living on top of each other.
@@PyromaN93 American politicians do that all the time. Especially when a news reporter asks the hard questions. You'll never get a straight answer from an American politician.
women in large cities who are very direct and don't care about hurting your feelings or getting into your personal space (because basically there is no personal space ) are the best persons to date. they put asians to shame.
I'm Brazilian, and we tend to be very direct here (at least I prefer to solve things this way, I find it more practical). As per touching before knowing, it depends a lot. I know girls who don't mind or even prefer that way, as well as girls that prefer to be more physically distant until both have something going on. Curiously, we have a "kokuhaku" culture for most of the time. We can date a person for an extended period of time without asking them to be girlfriend/boyfriend, but sometimes it generates misunderstandings (like one side feeling that they're already an official couple and the other thinking they are just having fun or are still getting to know each other), but to make it official, it is much more common to ask a girl/guy to be your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Able to maintain spatial awareness, address things with tact and grace, ability to read a room, and able to take a hint. These requirements aren't outlandish at all! Sounds like wanting common decency, and I love that for her
@8:55 ...well that happens when you ask "what are we" then he'll ask or he wont usually it's men that try to get sex and women who aim for a relationship traditionally, but things are changing so that's not always the case for it. A lot of people who have poor communications skills end up in an undefinded relationship that is usually sexual called a situationship...I hope this helps.
Hi Mochi-sensei, I just want to say that you did nothing wrong with that foreign guy. You handled it in the best and most mature way possible. If he couldn't handle your polite rejection, that is his problem, not yours. Please don't think most foreign guys are like that. I don't know if there is a really good way to handle that situation that you were in, but here in America, everyone would side with you over that guy.
This is also applies to Swedes when it comes to personal space x) I do believe it's important to learn about Japanese culture and their mindset. It took me a while to understand it myself.
I, Swedish male, had a work discussion with a woman from another company and another culture. She was standing about 40 cm from me and it felt really awkward.. but she did the same with everyone else, so it was normal to her.
This is a very good video! I'm Norwegian, and when we are sober, I think most of us keep a respectful distance when talking to people. There are two reasons "normal" Norwegians would get too close (or at least closer) and that is because they are drunk, or because they have spent some time living in a culture where the "space bubble" is smaller. I lived in Spain for a while, and Spaniards are much more "close talkers" than Norwegians, and when I came back to Norway, I had to be conscious about keeping a little more distance than I had become used to (though my close friends had almost all been living abroad and were more close talkers than most). Kokuhaku: I've only ever seen this in anime, and as a Norwegian, I would never dear do this, at least in Norway! It would be perceived as very weird and cringe! At least the formal way it is presented as in anime, please tell us or show us if it's different in real life! On the OTHER hand... Personally, I would never present a girl as my girlfriend without discussing it first. Maybe start the conversation with "Sooo... Are we a couple now?" or something like that. Or maybe "I think I'm falling in love with you". (That is a slightly guarded sentence, and basically translates to "I'm totally in love with you!", but if she says she doesn't feel the same, the shame isn't as bad, if you know what I mean...) Also, if you are in a fairly committed relationship with a Norwegian, he might suddenly start referring to you as his wife when talking to friends or in informal settings. Please don't be scared if this happens. It isn't a joke (even if said in a joking manner), though it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to propose right away, but it is a term of endearment and shows that he is committed to the relationship.
In addition to ALL women communicating covertly, japanese women took it to a whole another level. I guess, if you master understanding japanese women, you become Yoda Jedi level in mind reading! 🤣
Japanese women: "I want a foreigner boyfriend, because I don't like Japanese men's habits. Or, foreign men are more respectful." ... gets foreigner boyfriend. Three months into the relationship... Japanese women to foreign boyfriend: "Why can't you be more Japanese?" 🧐😳🤔😒
For Kokuhaku culture, in America, we usually assume we are dating once a second date is agreed on. And it's an unspoken action, nothing formal. In Japan I dated a girl for 5 weeks, with maybe 4 dates, and going all the way under the (wrong) assumption that we were already dating. Luckily we really liked each other and are otherwise very open and communicative so we realized she did not yet think we were dating. She was doing all these things thinking I was playing the field and dating other girls potentially while I had been loyal and only attentive to her the entire time. From there we made it official, but I can easily recommend all guys do this because even from a mental perspective it's not very fair to let your partner's imagination pull out the worst (potentially) when you're undoubtedly (accidentally) causing much emotional stress to them.
As an Asian, I feel like every point was exact ✌🏼. Relationships (to me atleast) are not fragile or casual stuffs. It takes time to develop and requires trust ultimately getting converted to marriage. My biggest nightmare would be to get cheated on. Don't ever want that to happen 🥲. I would rather die.
I could tolerate getting cheated on, but it would definitely hurt my trust and engagement in others in a really long term. It's like getting robbed late at night when all alone, you won't ever be having that same walk without any fear.
Kokuhaku - interesting. At some point, a man should always ask for a woman to be his girlfriend. even tho they have already been acting like that or not. You need to be clear about what your intentions are. Otherwise, you are free to date or be with anyone you choose to be with until that point. Plus, you don't have to wonder what your anniversary date is. Just for your information, Canadian black male here.
@@electronjon I'm going to assume that you are male. I hope you are young or you are lying that you have never been in a relationship. If a relationship is something that you want? If you work on yourself and try, someday it will happen. don't give up.
@@electronjon How old are you? Plus, do you really want a relationship with a female or anyone? If you don't want one you don't need one. it's okay to be single.
@@jorqlip Wow 30! Do you really want a relationship, are you straight, do you normally do any social activity outside with the opposite sex? Most importantly, I hope you are not going after just 10's. I'm going to assume you are not a virgin, you went out on at less a couple of dates and take a shower every day. Plus, I'm going to assume that you are at most a 6 yourself, even if you are working on yourself constantly. On the other hand, you may just have some bad luck, unless you choose to be single. However, most men don't actually get into relationships for long or have kids. A lot of men die unmarried, and a lot of married men get divorced and become unhappy. Not to forget some married men die unhappy in their relationships. So, you are not the only lonely man out there. Rates yourself out of 10 and go for women on your level. Keep on working on yourself in the right way, and be more social with your good friends outside your home. Get a cute dog and join a cooking class or something with women, you will find one. The dog will get you the girl, they will come up to you. Just have something to say when they do.
I think there is a certain level of maturity required to date other cultures because you have to recognize that every culture is different and you have to be willing to adjust.
This kind of sounds like just general relationships anywhere.
Other cultures, tend to be based around the qualities of the culture, are appealing when a person grows up with morals.
Non-direct can be frustrating. But in turn, it also makes for a less embarrassing time in public.
i mean it works both ways, japanese people also have to adapt to date someone foreign, just expecting a foreigner to 100% act the japanese way is very unfair and disrespectful to who they are, there need to be a common ground
@@akaRyuka my thoughts exactly. I can be interested in another culture and want to learn about that culture as I dating someone foreign, but there are some American things I will refuse to change.
@@akaRyuka That's part of the balance and I agree. If anyone's dating a foreign, there should be a specific talk where they can both agree in a middle point of what they are willing to change and tolerate as well and what other things are just fine being there or not.
But anyway, like the other dude said this is still pretty much in any relationship. Difference might be that dating someone in your country makes it a little easier to get some cultural things quickly.
@@akaRyuka Especially since the more often than not fail to adapt when they themselves are the foreigners. Ore more like don't even try to adapt. They don't hold themselves to their own standards.
One of the things that is so interesting about the whole kokuhaku thing, ie; directly asking her to be your girlfriend is actually the opposite of other Japanese sensibilities where everything else is left implied, insinuated, indirectly.... except for that.
Hey hey, it's this or something involving tentacles.... it's japan, after all.🐙📺🤦♂️😏😉😂🤣😎✌️
Well said, I was thinking the same thing. Be indirect with everything EXCEPT when it comes to kokuhaku
that's why it's not a good idea to date japanese.
@@Aaron-TheHandsome 😅😅😅😅 so true! 😂
I prefer letting my "yes" mean an actual yes, and my "no" mean an actual no. I have ASD and I prefer to have things simple...not stupid, but simple, for it is possible for things to be complex, but needlessly so as well, and when something is needlessly complex, which is most of the time, then they are stupid things that are made by stupid people.
I followed Mochi-sensei's advice and I'm still not dating a Japanese girl. Apparently I have to talk to them in order to date them. Wild! On a serious note, great insight into Japanese dating culture. Also guys, just because a girl is nice to you in ANY culture, it doesn't mean they want to date you. Relationships are hard. 頑張って 皆さん!
@@maegalroammis6020
You're always complaining and hating Japanese.
You can forget Japanese and make friends with people in your own country.
@@cr8284 don't tell me what to do troll! ypu dont know my experiences and how people are in mine!
@@maegalroammis6020 Bro you described 85% of the entire population of planet earth
A LOT of people in EVERY country do not want to learn other languages besides their own, a LOT of people in EVERY country, especially men, do NOT like to share their feelings and will make sure to hold it in until they can't anymore, and a LOT of people, and this one is the most common, a LOOOOT of people in EVERY. SINGLE. COUNTRY. Talk trash behind your back. Especially older people and younger people. They judge you based on looks and superficial things.
@@maegalroammis6020 Pot calling the kettle black?
You can't accept someone else's experience and you want everyone to take your own as the universal one? You have every right to describe your experience, but at this level it only makes you wonder if it is not your acquaintances who are "pathetic", mind you.
You don't say
If you get rejected during kokuhaku, just move on guys. If she changes her mind later she has to kokuhaku.
"If she changes her mind later she has to kokuhaku."
This has never happened, not once, in the entire history of mankind. If someone doesn't like you, it is impossible to make them like you. And by "like" I mean physical attraction.
@junfour I think you misinterpreted my comment. But yes, attraction can change.
@@Xethavosh Only in the negative direction. You can make someone hate you even if you're good-looking, but you can't good-personality your way out of someone deeming you unattractive. Just doesn't happen. Physical attraction is decided in about 3 seconds and if it's a no then it's a no. This is useful to know lest you waste your time.
@@junfour Sure you can. I've seen it happen. People have done it to me. You have no idea what you're talking about.
@@junfourthat quite literally happens all the time…have you never heard of unattractive dudes dating pretty women because they have very nice personalities. I’m not saying harass women I’m just saying it’s possible your personality can change attraction, happens a lot in real life.
As an American male we are used to being told things directly sometimes we do not pick up on subtle hints too well😊
Well that's false lol you break personal space. And you ignore discomfort signs. " I was just trying to get to know you" I'm just a nice guy.
@@SooooNerdy nerd
As an Aussie... yeah same, though that could just be me being dense
@@SooooNerdy most of us also miss the indirect hints that a girl is into us.
@@alexjugureanu853 I mean… it’s in his username so, yeah
Just for reference, the best way to let an American guy know you aren't interested is to tell them "You're such a good friend!". Being put in the friend zone is almost universally understood, while being ignored or given the cold shoulder often just makes us think we need to try harder or do something different.
Definitely seen guys that still didn’t realize it when a girl was saying that to them 😅
@@senseiruthe just tell them as a women that you are 100% lesbian and not interested in guys... the end :D I think a lot of people are interested in other cultures or the excotic look of their natives.
@@CrunsherExtreme That would usually work but have also seen a guy say, "thats okay. I like a challenge" some guys can't be saved haha
@@senseiruthe some guys are just wild animals lol
As a guy it's not easy to understand when it's a no, or a no for now, like she addressed in the video. Sometimes they want you to leave, sometimes they want you to try harder, sometimes it's confusing.
Interesting. I am married to a Vietnamese woman. I am Puerto Rican. Living in California. So I had head start on cultural differences. Met my wife in High School a long time ago. She was only in US for 3 years. Even then at my young age I knew I had to approach with caution. She was nice to everyone but she associated more with her girl friends. I approach her as if I was not interested. Just started conversation. Stayed at a distance. As time went on I earned her confidence then she would approach me. I was so happy. After that the rest is history. She then knew I was interested and later on she said she appreciated my patience. She felt that I was a guy who was responsible and committed. For me I knew I had to make adjustments for her. Foreign Guys dating Japanese women without these skills…many have wrong idea. Relationships require work…you cannot force it. Any culture. Both have to give and take. Love is wonderful, but you must show it in your respectful actions. If cultural differences…that’s another layer. Once the relationship is established then you can make mistakes. 29 years married. I did well. 🙏🏼☺️
A happy and prosperous life to you both. 👍
Well done mate. Congratulations to you both for those 29 years and more to come.
I call bullshit.. what teenage boy in highschool has this level of social and cultural awareness regardless of where you're from.. I bet you dicked it up like every other boy does going in to hard and then you were told by her to slow down... boring men change their stories as they get older, the stories get spicier with every year they're told, trust me, my dads 60, his stories are Thai curry by now hahahaha. Good on ya and congrats on a successful marriage!
what isd has to do with japanese? ok asian womern are wazste of time
Good response. The same guys complaining about foreign girls in her own country rejecting them, are guys who were also rejected by girls of his own society that know him best. There are a lot of childish responses about how bad it is for a Japanese girl to not be interested in a guy who could not even attract girls in his own country. Americans who have no world experience assume everyone wants them because of their passport. No, that assumption is what gives Americans a bad reputation in other countries(plus the fact that the US has likely bombed their country and staged coups in 104 countries.) I have dated in most of the 92 countries I have spent time in and see the same sort of behavior by Americans visiting other countries expecting to be held in high regard. That arrogance comes from ignorance of the societies they visit. At one time after WW2, a better quality of life was possible than in countries that were attacked since the US was untouched during the war that claimed 65,000,000 killed, almost half of those were Soviet citizens who were killed in defeating the Axis Powers. The only country that exited the war richer than entering was the US. But that arrogance is built into most Americans who know nothing about the rest of the world.
What Japanese girls need to stop doing to us:
1) Stop treating us like a walking wallet
2) Stop treating us like a fashion accessory
3) Stop using us to learn English or other languages
4) Start taking the relationship seriously.
I'm not your walking fantasy, I'm a person.
so true and the like fashion accessory is a first time i heard about that.
Who let this man COOK.
Preach
Thats funny well done😂
Unless you are Japanese or hung up on some kink fetish. Find another culture or ethnicity. I couldn't deal with the cultural differences but i agree the women are absolutely beautiful.
Wisdom comes with maturity.
And everything falls into place.
Doesn't matter what the culture is.
Because Wisdom is present.
If you're American, it does depend regionally on where you are from. As someone from the northeastern US, I was always taught growing up to mind personal space and not be super touchy. It was a little hard adjusting when I moved to California where everyone does hug a lot or get close. Personally, having personal space boundary is important to me so, I'd rather keep a minimum safe distance. Some guys like doing that (touching, hand on shoulder or even leg etc) as it is a non verbal way of communicating "I like you" or trying to hookup in some cases, so that's why some of them do it. I am very blunt/ direct because of where I'm from, so that's something good to keep in mind if I ever visit Japan, haha.
It has to do with the weather as well. Warmer climates I think are more open to being closer to each other due to the lack of harsh winters.
@sleeper6000, yeah touchy feely ? How else is girl going to understand you want to be physical or get intimate ? Just by talking all night at covid distance apart? Yeah 1st date second date but third date you still expect to be sitting Covid distance apart? By the third date she probably going to think why is this guy so afraid to dare touch me or lean in for a kiss. Is it the Norm to ask to be BF GF before even kissing ? She fails to talk about that. Now I don’t live in japan so I don’t know, but what she talking about sound like school girl shit. As a grown ass woman does the same rules apply?
Ah. I've "learned" from psychology to not get into someone's personal space (get too close) but to do periodic and subtle touching. This is as simple as intentionally and lightly touching or brushing her hand at an opportune moment, touching her shoulder gently and briefly when moving around her or leaving a table, etc. Just small, light touches now and then. There is a psychological basis to this that often will make her feel slightly more warmly towards you, or more personal. This doesn't mean constant touching or wrapping an arm around her, or putting your hand on her leg. This is light, brief, subtle. Go too much too soon and it's creepy. Maybe be even more careful about it with Japanese women. It can help silently express your interest or friendliness initially. It doesn't even need to be someone you are interested in to use it a LITTLE. I will touch fingers or hands with even a female bank teller just to make the interaction a bit less informal and mechanical. It can help to warm their interactions with you in a helpful and pleasant way. Of course, if a woman does it to you it works the other way around as well but can be a definite indicator of her interest in you. Don't be creepy.
ten big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends:
1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak badly their language
2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them
3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they impose lies most of the time
4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves for some reason
5 they are too serious , they only swear by work-work all their life and by their nonsense rules, they don't care about humanity
6 they're very money-driven
7 they refuse to invite you in their homes without explaining you why and considers your appart like a museum
8 they don't want affection
9they believe stories told by their xenophobic elders
10 they abandon us suddenly by "ghosting"
interacting with them is a wasting our time for us westerners. Don't annoy me with "nyeeeeh therez ppl like them in da world" please.
It also depends on personality, which has variation wherever you're from. I generally don't/didn't think about it in a direct vs indirect way. I was grew up with 2 brothers and 2 sisters insensitive. Both of my brothers are talkative, the older is a bit aggressive, my younger brother isn't aggressive but talks often and very loudly due to speech problems; of my sisters, my eldest is very polite by nature, but often makes uncomfortable unintentional social gaffs that hurt people's feelings, my other sister is loud, but pretty sensitive, but can be pushy. Myself, the fourth of five, is quiet, and sometimes wishes his siblings would were quieter. I like to think before I speak with strangers, and always try to not hurt others feelings. So, from myself and my siblings, 4 out of five are, I guess, typical Amerigajin (is that how its spelled?), but, at least in this respect, I might not be a typical American. However quiet I am, though, I am more direct than, perhaps, a typical Japanese person, but always trying to be considerate. Growing up my family hosted foreign students during Christmas for many years. About half were from East Asia (Vietnam, Japan, S. Korea, and Taiwan), and all were clearly more "direct" than the students from Japan.
I love how your voice sounds while you are talking very calmly. Nice information to keep in mind. Thank you!
10:43 In german when the girl say no it can be when you still try (to hard) that she call the police. This is rare, but it can happen.
It’s general teaching that when a girl says Nonits over and move on so that the worse advise I ever heard.
"I didn't tell him directly because I didn't want to hurt him, but I think I hurt him more by not telling him directly." YES. Women all over the world need to wake up and realize this. Whatever "manners" you think you are having by not telling a man that you're not interested in him are completely cancelled out by the sheer rudeness of giving a man a false impression of your relationship.
Hmmmmmm no? I mean, we tend to be more direct, yes. But assuming that every girl that talks to you is interested in you is more of a guy's fault than the girl's.
why do only the women have to wake up? Are the men stupid? or unable to adapt?
I agree simply because I recently dealt with this. So many mixed signals. After 2 dates acting like she is interested but never makes time for me...always friends or likely another guy...so I realize she just wants attention and say see ya! It hurt more because I was so confused and thought I needed to try this or that... yeah be direct! It hurts but you know where you stand and can move on faster!
I know most people in America don't talk to each other with their faces that close. It's usually the piss drunks that do that with their stinking alcohol breath. The talk of being direct is about both parties being adult enough to ask and answer questions honestly while also handling unfavorable responses without reducing the mind back to adolescent impulse. I would agree at that East Asian society, especially females make far less noise than my fellow Americans. Philosophical principles are engrained in the history of the far East. Since World War 2 America has leaned on the idea of Exceptionalism. Bigger, stronger, faster, more powerful, attack life as if it's a roadblock keeping you from glory. There is no doubt our culture is dominated by arrogance for better or worse.
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends:
1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language
2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them
3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time
4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves
5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules
interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the weeaboo people pretending they can befriending them.
I have lived in Japan for 8 years now. I really enjoyed your insight and while I am married and have no experience in what you are sharing, I can see what you are talking about in social settings. Very interesting, thank you for providing me better cultural insight.
This is an exceptionally informative video. The things you listed are very reasonable, and it is quite helpful to understand how culturally you might be more formal or conservative with these interactions. Personally, as an American outlier, it's comforting to know there's a culture who I might be more socially aligned with than my own. I actually relate with ALL of this, more than most like me might. Thank you.
Awesome video!!!
I'm really glad you're willing to talk openly about this. It's difficult to understand a culture well when not being direct about many things is such a large part of that culture. Saying everything so openly really helps to understand what it's like for Japanese people to be socially involved with forreigners.
I doubt most fo these dudes care about the culture or folklore etc... They just want to bathe in their fetish of 'cute submissive japanese girl'..
that'z why it's not a good idea to go in japan.
As for Kokuhaku (sounds like a penis injury), a lot of Western guys have learned not to ask formally about whether you will be a girlfriend, because if they do that in the West the response can be so extreme and negative that it can put a man off forever. So to avoid that toxicity, men simply don't ask anymore and wait for the woman to ask first. Not out of fear, but to avoid conflict.
Appreciate this great explanation
I hate how westerners are so hostile towards everybody. I am a woman, but I try to be respectful when I turn someone down. I tell them I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. Equally, though, I've had men who have been hostile towards me when I've nicely turned them down. And I didn't turn them down because I hated the guy. I turned them down because I have bipolar disorder and can't handle a relationship, family, or children right now. I also am asexual. He wouldn't even let me explain and called me all kinds of names, and I didn't even know the dude. He asked me out while I was having lunch by myself. Now, I don't like the guy. That wasn't the problem at first, but now it is. I don't know why people in the West are so entitled.
@@GenerationNextNextNext I don't understand men who are like this. I never approach women and always wait until they approach me. And yet I have managed to have two marriages (cause the first one is where you learn from your mistakes). So, there is no need for men to approach women ever. I'm happy for women to do all the work in starting a relationship, and if they don't, then I guess they don't want it. 🤷♂
As for America I suppose it depends on the state. Many Southern states things like Kokuhaku still exist. However in states like California and Florida, hookup culture is big, many people aren't looking for long term relationships but quick flings. And even worse, this hookup culture is idolized.
@@jase276Sorry, not for me!!! NEVER! God will not except you, if your fornicating; Roman's 8:1-9. 1Corin6:9-10.
You are absolutely right, lady !---and it is true also of many other cultures in the world, especially in South and East Asia. Ironically enough, it is this self-respecting modesty of Japanese women that makes them so appealing and attractive to many of us in the West, as well as in the East.
Please do not change . Your self respect is admirable.
*** My first video that I have watched being introduced to your channel by the algorithm. 😊😊
Mochi is the ultimate friend. Thank you for letting us know about Kokuhaku. We have a boyfriend/girlfriend in the U.S., but it's not as explicit as kokuhaku. We just discuss if we're dating, and that's usually an implicit agreement that we're boyfriend and girlfriend.
"dating" means like going out with who you like in Japan,
but in the US, "dating" only use in couple?(bf and gf relationship?)
@@mochirealjapanese3430 Yes, and it's confusing. In the US, if you are just dating each other exclusively, it implicitly means you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend. There's usually never a discussion about being boyfriend or girlfriend. We just say, "We're dating," implying that we're in an intimate relationship.
@@mochirealjapanese3430 When a man invites a women for a date, and they go on several dates later on, people say "they go on dates". But when the man and woman become a couple, people say "they are dating" = "they are boyfriend and girlfriend".
I think we did have "kokuhaku" culture in European-American culture long ago. When women didn't have political rights and were dependent on their man, it was a man's interest to secure a woman as his fiancee and wife later on. But now, from a man's point of view, it only makes sense to pick up women. There is no business in securing a formal relationship. It is a woman's business to establish a formal couple status. So it is more often the woman asking the man to confirm their formal status.
There are 2 aberrations with this. Sometimes it happens the man asks the woman for becoming his girlfriend. But this usually happens when the man is significantly less attractive and he is not sure if the woman wants him, or the man was brought up in very traditional values. The second aberration is that women have business in securing a formal relationship, but they rarely do it. They often rely on emotions and how they perceive atmosphere with the man (just as you said Japanese people rely on less direct messages) and assume they are a couple. When you said you didn't consider the BBQ man as your boyfriend, European and American women more often have the opposite problem: they think they are in a relationship but the man thinks differently.
@@mochirealjapanese3430 so why you not dating gaijin?😏 or you not like japsdick?😏🤣
@@dharmaandra4720 are you angry???
When I lived in the US, it seemed like confession culture was mostly until the end of high school. I think at some point even Americans have a hard time figuring out if they're a couple or not lol. Eventually you'll talk with your partner to discuss what your relationship is/isn't, but things like "will you be my girlfriend?" or "will you go out with me?" become _way_ less common after high school. Even words like "dating" will be interpreted differently by different people. Some people consider "dating" to be "an official couple" while others consider "dating" to be "going on dates but not an official couple." And then once you _are_ a couple, you can usually use the word "dating" to communicate to _others_ that you are a couple. Basically, after high school, figuring out if you're a couple and/or want to be a couple is a longer conversation you have rather than "will you be my girlfriend?" As far as I know, the entire reason for that is that phrases like, "will you be my girlfriend?" seem childish, so instead as we get older we make the whole process much more complicated for ourselves even though such a question is probably the most straightforward approach.
Women killed it bc they wanna date around in USA
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends:
1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language
2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them
3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time
4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves
5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules
interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the weeaboo people pretending they can befriending them.
Not because it's childish, more like, because as you older, you fear more that the girl will say NO, and you try to complicate it to get an answer without risking a "humiliation" of yourself.
@@giannilyanicks1718 It's just you.
Your 1st and 4th point prove, that the problem is mainly with you.
They are not too lazy, they just has no reason at all to learn any foreign language, and if they do, they have easier job with Korean or Chinese than English.
If you are a native english speaker, you should know, the problem is not them, it's your language.
Japanese not lazy, they literally fear to speak english because they fear they speak something wrong. (Nothing wrong, but us ->BUTT ASS like this).
Also, native english speakers basicly butcher every single language they learn. (Sayonara ->Sayo onara means Sayo's fart).
It's not your fault, English is a language which butcher itself every single sound. Just say it out loud: "G" now say it in: "Game". See? You just said G 2 times, but pronounced it right only 1 time that's your language which is you say they are too "lazy" to learn..
Ofc they are serious, they are socialized in a region, where earthquakes volcanic activity and typhoons destroy their country. In that many natural disaster a serious community survive, a selfish *ss however can kill everyone around him.
If you can't understand their history/culture you can't understand them and you never make a friendship someone you can't understand at all. Learning a language not make you understand the culture behind it. And if they laugh because you say something funny and you take it as an insult, you clearly can't understand them.
Yep, this one was direct, proving I'm not japanese. :D But you're not too, so it's fine.
@@StArShIpEnTeRpRiSe Someone older should be gradually losing that fear. You can just, you know, move on with your life. It's not the end of the world like it is when you're in high school.
I remember one thing my Japanese girlfriend really hated was kissing in public - it made her seize up, and giving her a hug while she was doing the washing up. Ironically, I avoided doing these things with my current wife but she really loves them, so you have to get to know every individual in life, erm... individually. That's a big part of the reason we even have relationships.
Its to bad u didnt bring her to German sauna and made out with her in the jacuzzi lol.
@aaronmicalowe I do think kissing in public should be kept at personal space or time. Especially here in NYC that is where I am......I seen way too many. I always felt like why not make out at home. No need to show everyone that your making out with your GF/BF. This is personal matters.
@@moontecker My current wife is Ugandan. They're even stricter. If you kiss in public, it's jail. It's considered a sex crime there.
@@ThePhantom712 Many saunas are naked in Germany but it is frowned upon if you make out there.
@@yvonnehorde1097is it? I have seen multiple couples kissing in these? Just kissing, not "making out" though
Your feelings kindly, ok.
But more important to me is still honesty.
We are direct, but not as fast as most people think.
It is also always after a few times of meeting etc.
Not on day 1 or 5.
It is always with signs and hints in a conversation after a while.
And it is the first time that I hear that we do not ask that, I have always known that we ask do you want to be my girlfriend, do you want a relationship with me?
Since I was 11 years old in my childhood in the 80s.
If we do not do that, it is as if we are an intruder, we are that smart too.
People who do that according to you.
Are people who are not interested in a relationship.
But just in sex and after a while dump or dump directly.
But that is not only to foreign women, also to women from their own culture and country.
I love Asian women, but also other women from other cultures, countries as well as my own culture and country.
For me it is about which direction the feelings go after meeting a few times and during the conversations.
How honest they are, it can be towards friends or towards a relationship.
The spark must come from both sides.
And yes it can be disappointment, but better sooner than waiting too long.
The more feelings build up the harder the disappointment will hit.
And that does not only apply to the man.
I was taken aback at first but as I listened more I learned and understood more. Very informative.
This was fun to watch for me (Dutch guy) and my Japanese wife. I never tried to find a Japanese on purpose and it just happened. From these topics only being direct is something I do. Now me and my wife have found common ground on how to communicate. Both styles are not better or worse, just different. The most important is mutual understanding for each other and the willingness to our best for each other and patience.
I would not have gotten the smiley thing either, but also wouldn't have gone mad saying bad words. That is just awful to me and not a proper response ever.
I mean, the Dutch are renowned even among Europeans to be extremely direct :D
Humility and patience are a cultural asset of many Asians. Western people are often more self-centered and demanding. But the habit of beating around the bush for the sake of saving face is very difficult for us. ;)
@@jannepeltonen2036i love dutch people
@daenackdranils5624 Well, he's happy isn't he?
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good wives:
1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language
2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them
3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time
4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves
5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules
interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the ones pretending they can befriending them.
This is very interesting and I thank you for sharing those informations with your Viewers.
In Germany the 4 Points are like this (Note: This differs from person to person and I will speak of how a well behaved mature person would act):
1. We don‘t like to be very close to one another unless we are already in the Relationship and prefer to take it more slowly. We want to be sure that our Partner wants to get close with us and not force them.
2.We want to know what our Partner does like and does not like to make them happy and avoid to make them upset. We make ourselves very clear in that to not accidentally hurt each other by mistake or force Situations where one could feel himself to be uncomfortable.
3. We need clear Communication, especially over agreements. We often say that „Communication is Key“ and we need to clarify how a Relationship will go on. We don‘t want People around us that we can not stand for personal reasons and we don‘t want to have a big Drama over a minor thing.
Also, we don‘t want to hurt the other Person more badly in not telling them we are not interested (that’s what bad people would do).
If we are not interested, we will tell you right away.
4. We do ask the one we love to get together and become a Couple if the Person agrees.
A single „No“ however will lead to the Person asking the Question, to not ask again!
So if you are not sure and don‘t want them to leave tell them something like:
„Maybe?“
„Let‘s spend some more time together.“
„I am not sure, but I do like you. Please give me some time.“
Something like that.
Again. This is what a normal and mature person would do.
Be sure to learn about other Cultures or you may kill your Friendships, Relationships and potential Partnerships.
Have a nice day everyone.
Thank you for your very good and detailed explanations. I hope that Japan and its beautiful culture will be a model for other people. I love Japan.👍
I think that the respect and tolerance to other people's culture must be mutual. It's cool to learn about each other, discovering new things and find things in common
Culture doesn't matter much, what you need to attract women: Look good or have money/influence/a good job. This is true in every culture.
Also never trust what a women says she likes in front of the camera.
@@mcmarkmarkson7115 I must agree and disagree on half what you said :D :D
just dont know whitch half :D :D
@@MemoryMori let me know if you find out :D
@@mcmarkmarkson7115 They are all important. If you look like a model, are super rich, and rage like a barbarian every time y'all have a miscommunication, she won't want to be around you :/
@@joeljude9180 Do you know of anyone that looks like a model, is super rich and rages like a barbarian but is without somebody?
Women especially have a big tolerance for bad boys. Men are far less likely to stay in abusive relationships, but there is an increasing number of such losers.
I’m a Spanish girl and I think my personality matches much more with the Japanese culture. For example, I could never date a guy if he doesn’t ask me about it formally. That’s one of the reasons why it gets really difficult for me to adapt to my own country’s culture, because in Spain, people tend to be extremely extroverted and honest. ^^U
we have no reason to respect him.
I’m Spanish, descendant of Conquistadors here in the Southwest United States. We have are different, more rough around the edges. More of, “ I like this girl she is mine now”…lol
Agreed with the extroverted part (Spaniards are just too extroverted, even invasive) but I don't think they're honest at all. My impression is as they thought they are the only person existing in this world, so they can do and say whatever they want without caring for anybody's feelings. I don't like this pathological lack of empathy, but in the other hand there's the other extreme (even I the same person), a kind of national paranoia who leads them to think everything said at them is an insult or an attack. I really don't like that, because hinders communication to the point of making it impossible... I'm also from Spain btw
I was in Japan at the end of July this year and got to see a little of the interactions of the people there. I understand that there they do not like to break that imposed "harmony", which means that they do not want to hurt others by being direct or they consider that being direct is being aggressive and rude. This creates a bigger problem, since they act indirectly and keep things to themselves, so they are not sincere either, and in the end, believing that it is better not to say things directly is selfish, since I can do more damage yet. Know what the other thinks and not fix it.
As a society, although they are perfect in education and ethics, they must improve a lot in their relationships, in relation to work and women's rights, in addition to accepting foreigners a little more, instead of becoming so rooted in their culture. I'm not saying to lose its essence or its culture either, but not to be so conservative.
It's a shame because it is a great country and if they don't improve that, they will be destroyed.
Besides, I agree with you, the same thing happens to me. I also can't stand them invading my personal space if I don't know the person or they are not my friend, nor that in this country they are so noisy. I love the stillness and peace there was in Tokyo.
In terms of relationships, I feel it's really important to be direct in terms of how we feel as soon as we're able to. It prevents wasting the time of the person that aimed to be in a serious relationship, like that they can quickly know in advance that they can move on to look for someone else who may be more interested and likely to accept dates.
Sure being friendzoned hurts, but at least it's better that it's being addressed sooner rather than have it drag on to where it would hurt a lot more for being falsely led. Being straight to the point saves a lot of trouble for both parties.
japanese are the worst persons to date.
good reason to not respect japanese.
good reason to hate them
@Lexyvil It sounds like you just shouldn't try to date Japanese people.
The first three things you mentionned be reassured, some foreigner dislike the same things as you that people of their own country do. Because to some, it is totally unpolite, rude and excess of comfort of them to be this close physically and verbally. They take you for granted and then you lost control over self protection towards them.
I have found the kindest way to let a man down without embarrassing him is to say, “I really enjoy your friendship, but I don’t sense that we have the chemistry to be a couple and I don’t want to lead you on.” Most of the time the men have stayed friends with me. A few times their sense of entitlement got the better of them and they became rude or worse. In these cases I really had to shut them down hard. My father taught me to not accept any disrespect from a man no matter where they are from.
How dare you! God wants you to say yes to every guy. Jk, that's a compassionate way to do it. Good for you
Thank you! Chemistry is such a weird thing. I wish I understood better how it works. 🤔
ten big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends:
1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak badly their language
2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them
3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time
4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves for some reason
5 they are too serious , they only swears by work-work all their life and by their nonsense rules, they don't care about humanity
6 they're very money-driven
7 they refuse to invite you in their homes without explaining you why and considers your appart like a museum
8 they don't wants affection
9they believe lies told by their xenophobic elders who bash foreigners
10 they abandon us suddenly by "ghosting"
interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't annoy me with "nyeeeeh therez ppl r like them in da world" please.
My experience as a man has been that every girl (who does not like me) goes out of their way to waste as much of my time as possible and punish me for the crime of even trying. They act like they're interested right up until the moment of betrayal. It seems to be a game to them. I haven't been able to come up with any other explanation than it's just a form of entertainment. They do it because they can. After all, I'm a man, so I'm like an inanimate object outside the scope of morality.
My thanks to the few girls out there who tell it like it is. Dating would be a much easier place to navigate if people stuck with the truth.
japanese are too arrogant to tell us that.
As a german guy, I totally agree on the first point. Personal space is very important and I wouldn't want that much physical contact with a stranger on the first date either as well as having their face right in front of me. That's just some common sense not to do and has something to do with respect and good manners.
For both two and three, I think it might be hard for other people getting used to it. Especially for me as a German, because we tend to be very direct to each other but without the intention to actually "hurt" the other persons feelings or disrespecting them.
Fourth point depends on the persons involved, i guess. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It also depends on the time spent together. But it's very good to know anyways. People can adapt to that.
Thank you very much for your great video :)
dryl90. I lived in Europe in the late 80's. It was my experience that Germans were very much in your face. As an American I always thought that was kind of strange.
I think I’m fine with most of these points, specially number 1. I like to protect my personal space lol. The one I find awkward is not being direct. I like people to tell me clearly what they want or think. But when it comes to relationships it’s ok not being so direct. Some of my rejections came in the form of “I’m flattered but …” , “I’m not ready to date rn” etc.
What is the nationality of the guy you rejected and got angry. I think more than cultural might be personality. I know guys from Mexico and heard Americans can be like that. But again, I think it’s more of their personalities.
My wife is Chinese and before we started dating she had a similar experience. They fit after being rejected, started insulting her and insulting China. Those are sore losers.
Same. Social intricacies escape me, so I prefer if someone is direct. I will probably not get what you want if you keep skirting around. xD
@@ThisIsAUsername69 I concur.
Guy from America here! You are correct. Any guy that is rejected and becomes angry and verbally abusive is NOT the kind of guy you want to be with. I think it shows they really did not care in the first place and were looking for a woman to be a possession, not a girlfriend.
You seem Mexican
@@ajosralastname7823 LOL! Naw, really an American. Born in Western New York. Bloodlines: 30% Scottish, 30%German, 25% Dutch and 15% Native American Mohawk. I really like highlighting the Mohawk side from time to time! I would be the 6th generation born in America. Welcome to the Great Melting Pot! Was going to marry into the Japanese culture and move there.
Hi, All of it makes a lot of meaning. I like your video a lot. 1. I think it kind of common sense to keep distance if you don't know if there is reciprocity feeling for it. I'm from Slovakia and I live in the UK. I think everywhere in the world people should be respectful in this. 2. I think it very good habit to care about others feelings and suggest what could be better in terms of communication. That is one of wide phenomena which is spread Japan more than elsewhere and I love it. I think it is very inspirational. It supports cooperation instead of only pushing one's opinion etc. 3. Nice point of view. I like how you tried to find a best way how to act. It happen to me as well with Europeans girls when they reply only like this etc. but it might be also onto the guy to find out if the interest is genuine. I have a lot of situations like this online or in real life and I have become and an expert in distinguishing between honest interest and coldness. Guys should learn that because it is not always easy for girl to tell that. 4. I find Kokuhaku culture is very cute and it may help with a lot of misunderstanding. We might have it but maybe not as much as you. From my perspective there may be a lot of signs, actions, behaviour which kind of makes two close to each other. Sometimes words, habits, weddings, kokuhaku do not grasp it properly and somebody may be more close to someone even without doing kukohaku or else but on other hand words and habits may help us clarify things as in science and in common situations... I try to observe situations for example. ----And Btw. I love Japan! Your culture is amazing, your men and women, which creates great perspective for future. I think we are very complementary Europeans and Japanese. I send lot of love... it so good that we are learning from each other!
Hi,
I just wanted to mention that it's probably a good idea to be honest as well as open minded to other cultures and that there's many different ways of expressing.
Try not to be too vague.
Sometimes being direct will keep you from guessing what the other person is all about and how they feel.
It would be nice if we could all be mind readers or more simply,be gifted to know what you are saying with body language or even conversation from a person not face to face/ or long distance relationship!
Everyone is different .
Thanks for this information on this 😊
Long ago when i was stationed in japan I was in a long term relationship with a Japanese girl that I had know for a long time (prior to moving to Japan). This is very spot on, to this day I am still sad that I couldn't stay in japan or convince my girlfriend to move to the US with me. Compared to my relationships here in the US things are very different, PDA and communication methods being a big part of this. Maybe I have not found the right person yet here but I feel like my relationship in japan was more mature (probably a poor word choice) even though my later relationships were when both me and my partners were older.
Great video!
I've been to Japan four times because I absolutely love the culture and the people.
Your video is a perfect example of the beautiful hearts of the Japanese.
I think Japanese men would rarely get angry like your Western friend did.
Love the Kokuhaku culture. I wasn't aware of that. Thank you for teaching us more about your beautiful way of life.
Can't wait to get back to 🎌❤
I have been married 10 years however I started learning Japanese a few moths ago and what I have learned is that there is a level of respect and understanding we just don’t have in America also there is a lot of boundaries you just don’t cross and a huge vagueness in the way you talk with others so I can totally understand how this would be upsetting for you! I hope you find that person that makes you happy you are very beautiful inside snd out and deserve to be respected as an individual! Thank you for sharing all this info this is not just useful for people trying to date this is the level of respect you need to have for all your peers especially in Japan! Thanks again sorry for my rant!
Absolutely loved my time in Japan and loved so many different things there. Dating there always seemed far too convoluted and a number of guys I knew ran into serious drama, so I generally steered clear. This would've gone out the window had I met someone who simply knocked me out, but alas, there's no predicting when that could happen and it simply didn't. Such is life.
Regardless of cultural differences; no one is entitled to your affection. It's reasonable to be disappointed when someone doesn't reciprocate romantic interest, but it's unreasonable to be angry. Just relax & find someone who is interested in you, & be friends with the person isn't:)
This ☝
I agree
It's not the lack of reciprocation that makes people angry but lack of respect. Of course that's still not an excuse to allow your anger to take control however I completely disagree
about being "friends" with someone that you are interested in but who isn't interested in you because there won't be mutual respect within the so called "friendship".
I say it's better to cut off all communication with that person entirely. You can and should still be friendly and respectful. However trying to be "friends"
is really just a waste of time.
@@mrsticky005 Respect is subjective and cultural, but it seems the West thinks if everyone doesn't think like them, they are "wrong". I don't know where you're from, but it sounds like Americentrism to me.
Just because someone disrespects you unintentionally doesn't mean you always have to lash out in a tirade of anger. There are other ways to solve your problems. Clear communication that someone offended you or hurt you could suffice and would probably be more effective in a calm and rational manner than a temper tantrum. And when the person explains why they weren't direct, accept this answer and move on.
If you can't handle being "friends" than don't be. But don't ever go into a country just to date Japanese women either. They don't have the same dating culture there. Most of them meet people from school and work or through mutual friends, people they know well, feel safe around, and those their families approve of. They are usually childhood friends, so even if rejected, they stay friends without any harm, unlike Westerners, especially Americans. If you're not making any effort to be a Japanese citizen or learn the culture, why would anyone try to date anyone in Japan?
Dating isn't for fun, it's for marriage and building families. If you don't plan on being a citizen, making friends, learning the job culture, and other important social cues, dating in Japan overall is a waste of time. Gain a mature mindset around dating, and rejection would seem more realistic to you. It's not just the women who rejected you, but the man dodged a bullet too. Could he really see himself married to her and having children with her? If he doesn't like how she handled things, then that's a red flag that he should be happy he saw, instead of getting angry about it. Instead he ended up looking like the dummy.
five big reasons why the Japanese doesn't make good friends:
1 they are too lazy to learn foreign languages and they laugh at our accents when we speak their language
2 they never tell us what mistakes we would make, even though it is the only solution to improve us in front of them
3 they judge what people deserve to hear their "honne" (true thoughts and feelings) and they lies most of the time
4 they insult us behind the back without seeking to know us more and they refuse to talk about themselves
5 and they are too serious , they only swears by work-work in their life and by their rules
interacting with them is a waste of time for westerners. don't understand the weeaboo people pretending they can befriending them.
repeating confessions isn't really a thing in western culture. It kinda becomes more on the girl to show interest if she does change her mind or not. But a guy repeating his confessions is kinda gross and can be seen as desperate. Also yeah the no kokuhaku stuff to start a relationship is pretty tough to navigate for guys. Normally like a gift or something is a common way to say that you like someone.
And yeah when it comes to not showing interest and stuff its kinda better to minimize engagement emojis are kinda seen as a cute behaviour so may end up attracting someone more, especially if they lack social skills
True. Also I would be interested in the number of repeated confessions in Japan. What is too much? Is 3 the limit? When does it become creepy and desperate there too?
interesting!
we japanese like, if someone said " I kokuhaku to this girl but failed..." then we friend will say "is your love is that much?! you give up because she said no just for once?!?!"😂
@@mochirealjapanese3430 Definitely sounds like a cultural difference. It can be romantic to be persistent if it pays off. But from western stand point if you are just annoying them, then it becomes creepy and gross if they keep rejecting them. It some times can ruin relationship entirely. Other times people will go as far as involving the law and even destroying some ones reputation.
@@abc123tiktok Once it was like that in the west as well, reason for which there are many western stories, movies, tv series, etc... in which a man is persistent in his pursuing of a woman or girl until he finally manages to convince her, it is only recently that the west became more strict in that sense
Very nice and important points to know about Japanese culture and girl's. Thanks sweetheart 🌹😊
Wow the kokohaku culture is also true in other places. I'm from the middle-east and it's so weird for me in the US that if someone asks you to go eat outside or meet somewhere, you're kinda automatically assumed to be in a romantic relationship. In my country, while asking someone to meet up somewhere shows that you probably like them, you do have to actually ask them to become your boyfriend or girlfriend for the romantic relationship to start. So glad Japan is the same😂😅
No not really most people in the US don't really care about what you are doing unless they need to mind their own business or you're in a small town with nothing to do but gossip.
Just eating with a girl doesn't mean you're dating. But if you're repeatedly doing dating activities then it should not be surprising if one of the both of the pair decides that "yeah, this means we're dating." Generally, the first couple of dates should be about establishing what the relationship is and whether it's going to continue on or break up. Though there is a very annoying trend among people nowadays to "not put a label" on their relationship, and then you get craziness like "we've been going out for six months but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend." It can also lead to problems with miscommunication about how serious the relationship is, or whether they're supposed to be exclusive or not, etc.
@@kilerog I'm a Western woman. I'm bipolar with gray-asexuality due to phobia of pregnancy and child of abuse. If a guy approaches me, asking to date me, there will be high conditions he has to meet, practically, because I'm baggage, even if some guys think I look good. Some western guys think girls shouldn't have any high standards at all, but they don't seem to be realistic about relationships, marriage, and family, which is what dating leads to. I usually just turn guys down because I know dating me is difficult. But some insist or even get angry when I do. And I don't always want to explain my personal business.
If someone asks me out, this means they are trying to impress me and get to know me, not the other way around. Therefore, for me, I do not consider myself officially dating someone until a year has passed. That's my condition. If I ask a guy out, I have to meet his condition. But if it's me being asked out, you have to convince ME. That might seem a long time to a lot of guys; this is why I don't date. Six months is too short for me. But I need that time to make sure that someone can be trusted, is safe, is kind, has a good temperament, shares my values on life, etc. If someone says they don't "want to put a label on it", there's nothing wrong with that if they are unsure. I'd rather you say that then jump in too quickly. That makes you seem unrealistic to me. Someone who doesn't want a label is someone who realizes they aren't sure of you yet or they have other things going on. If someone doesn't like that phrase, they don't have to date them. But I personally appreciate a "no labels" approach because it allows us to get to know one another without expectation, as human beings before lovers, if that's your intention. Before you become my boyfriend, husband, and father of my children, I need you to become my friend.
Personally, the only guys I've been on the fence of not rejecting have been childhood friends who seemed to have never changed much. The guys who've asked how I was doing without asking me on dates. Who worried about my mental and physical health condition. Who drove me to the hospital when I had bad menstrual cramps due to fibroids. Who knew about my abuse and asked me how relatives were doing. Those guys ALMOST made me want to date them, but again, I consider what I can physically and mentally handle in a date, and that varies from person to person. The timestamp of six months seems to be so common to Westerners, particularly Americans, that it's like they can't wrap their heads around the idea of patience.
I agree about communicating though. I usually make it very clear from the beginning that it will take me a year to really warm up to anyone, and in that time I will be seeing whether you can be trusted as a boyfriend or husband.
@@GenerationNextNextNext So many requirements.... I'm sure you must be very pretty.😂😂🤣Good luck🍀 with that.👍🏼😎✌️
In Brazil there's definitely kokuhaku. Btw, my husband and I started to spend a lot of time together at college. He confessed to me after 1 year, but I told him that I didn't have any feeling for him at the moment and we could see how it would evolve. He continued to spend some time with me, a little less than before, but still we did a lot of things together. Another year passes by, and one day when we were walking together he kissed me. We started dating that day. We've been together for 14 years now.
I wonder how that worked out considering you had already denied him once. So either he read the atmosphere with the kiss and knew it was the right moment or he had a shot in the dark and hoped for the best.
@@Dravis1995 I feel like the second option is what he went for. But who knows? Me personally I would’ve gone big or go home
Damn poor guy was your last option after you ran through all the other guys. You got so lucky he didn't move on.
@@sethaldrich6902 I understand this sentiment, but my guy….in a year? Thats kinda quick
simp
Yeah, in the US we don't really have a kokohaku culture, but in Chile we do. With my wife I essentially just told her that she's mine now, and she later asked me why I never asked her for pololeo which is kokohaku in Chile, and because I was raised in New Jersey, it caught me a bit by surprise because we don't do that there. As I started travelling around the world I realized formally asking to be ones gf is a fairly common practice, so it was interesting that you brought that up. Cheers from abroad
My husband is South African Zulu and Japanese (African American father and Japanese mother)
my husband knows our culture well and i’m glad when we travel back to Japan with our Daughter and Son. We have been married for 10 years and it’s a wonderful relationship!
My husband is an ex-soldier and i’m a pediatrician and we love your videos!
One thing i loved was when we started our relationship we went on a trip to Okinawa and he isolated me so we could talk. He told me he wasn’t perfect and he has a lot of things he will improve. He told me and still says it today “You bring out the best in me” and i love how he treats me and our children. My husband works hard and unlike his time in the military he is always there for us.
I’m a half black American too (white European and African American) I’m heading to Japan next year to teach , wish me luck lol
Poor of ur husband's mother's thing :'(
@@serpentmanthys6439 i don’t understand what you mean
@@MayumiC-chan9377 Don't worry sis. It was just a joke. :)
@@serpentmanthys6439 i don’t like the joke
This is actual respectable advice. I can see how kindness can easily be misinterpreted, or even mistaken as approachable. Some people may view it as weakness and feel entitled that it's there chance to take advantage. Which i do not like.
This is especially true when they overstep your boundaries, and they think they can just start touching you. You'd be surprised at just how ignorant a lot of people can be. Or, the purpose of you making this video is exactly because of these said experiences. Having your guard up is normal for everyone.
Anxiety is a thing. So some individuals configure things differently from other's. My challenge is that i am a very open minded person. So it would be hard for me to beat around the bush, or thread lightly.
I usually don't shy away from personal questions, and would also like the same in return. But being it's a different culture altogether, i can and will respect the differences. As well as take this advice we'll into consideration.
Thank You.
I completely agree with your perspective. It's important to recognize that not all foreigners behave in the ways that are often stereotyped. It's understandable that personal space is important to you, as it is for many people, regardless of their cultural background. Additionally, being too forward and asking personal questions can be seen as rude in many cultures, so it's important to be aware of these cultural differences and show respect for them. I commend you for valuing cultural understanding and taking the time to learn about different cultures before entering into relationships. and as far as that guy who you had issues with is his problem, not yours, you did the right thing. He had a very low esteem, and it was obvious. Being angry and rude to people is not acceptable.
It's funny that Japanese women do not like it when men are direct in general and also demand it in return, but then they also need a direct question from the man to know if they can be a couple.
Imagine being denied "kokuhaku" everyday because the man thinks you should just pick up on the fact that you're already dating. That's what those western dudes are going through everyday you expect them to just read the "atmosphere."
I’m sure this has been said many times already, but it’s not okay for anyone to get mad if you’re not interested. If he has not expressed his interest he can’t assume you are. You can ask and see if it’s reciprocated and then go from there, but if it’s not then you can be upset but be mature enough to be understanding and leave on a good note. Just because you might not date it doesn’t mean you have to lose a friend. And as you said, it might grow into that at some point but with no expectations that it will
That was a really immature response to accuse her of lying when she didn't return the guy's feelings. It's the kind of reaction that happens when people make up a fantasy in their mind about what was going to happen. Perhaps she was his first gf and he put all his hopes on this date. It seems like a mistake an inexperienced person would make.
@@bcluett1697sorry I’m a little confused I never accused her of lying.
Getting MAD is a sign of a Control freak.
Giving a Second chance (reciprocation) to someone You aren't comfortable around is a extremely dangerous move.
To separate on BAD terms may sound horrible but Both parties understand the outcome.
in the USA, Confessing your love and Kokuhaku are common during school but not so much as you get older. Dating can be really confusing here since it really depends on where you grew up. I am from Philly, pa and folks there are very direct. However, that isn't the case in most other parts of the country. For Example, Los Angeles has a very complex dating scene since so many diverse folks live here from all different kinda of backgrounds, cultures and countries. In fact, you often have to ask where someone is from to figure out the best way to approach asking them out, what level of personal questions will make them comfortable, and what "dates" consist of.
I agree this dating trash in the US is a headache
Agreed, it's like. Sometimes kids will kokuhaku , but then when we get older
We stop and now it seems like if we ask them out to coffee or a movie it's equivalent to asking.
I've dated a lot. And finally found the right one to marry. But geeeeeeeeeeeez it is a nightmare to get here.
It doesn't happen anymore unless after having alot of sex
From a german perspective people from America are not really honest or direct, they are usually super friendly, but honest or direct... no way.
Everyone is different. Valuing personal space is normal.
Edit: A different place doesn't really specify the person on their personality. Yes, there are some different cultures. In which some will act based on their culture. But for the majority and overall. Everyone is the same as in you can find personality traits from a person in Japan to match a person that is in Africa. Nerdy shy, anime lover, jock style personality, pretty boy personality, rude, nice guy, etc. Personality traits is based on individuals and doesn't come with country or culture.
I admire her honesty, I hope she gets treated with kindness and respect.
About kokuhaku... the guy you were dating, I think he was presumptuous. Every relationship I have ever been with, including with my wife, I asked if they would like to be my girlfriend or at least see each other exclusively. We don't usually get into relationships without confirming we're in a relationship.
He was an incel. He thought this girl owed him something and got abusive when rejected...
@@laclochard I'm not speaking about the incel that cursed her out. Geez, that guy was delusional. I meant the guy she was dating and went to the BBQ with.
As an Italian, I get the "get too much into my personal space" thing a lot, even just with male friends from other countries. It's definitely something I always try to keep in mind when I'm travelling abroad, but sometimes I just do it unconsciously
Yeah, I’m American and Italians get too close for even my comfort😂
Italians are awesome for that. It’s like getting fried chicken. It just makes you all warm and fuzzy inside.
The "modern" North-American style has a late kokuhaku of sorts.
Two people who like each other will start dating/hanging out more and more, and will become more physical, and THEN maybe a few weeks/months later, one of the two will ask "so are we a couple?"
This.
Has someone from Wisconsin this is true
seems totally normal for me in europe too.
That doesn't sound too romantic
@@AzzRushman Get closer to each other first and make it official / confess immediately to someone you barely know to get to know them, pick one, but none of them will be like Disney or Hollywood romcoms
This was an interesting video.
I've heard guy telling that this Kokuhaku thing was strange for them, as Japanese girls wanted to get confirmation, while the guy was just trying to get to know them better. For example, for me, it often takes monthes of mutual programs to finally decide that I'd like to get together with that girl (and by that time, some of the girls often give up hopes).
Also, that "reading the situation" thing is really a forté of Japanese people, and it's one of the reasons Japanese movies get remade for foreign audiences, as simply conveying emotions or mood through showing pictures is often not enough for foreigners, they need dialogue and often exposition of what's happening. For those, who are not used to Japanese cinema, these scenes could just feel boring, as nothing is happening in their eyes.
That movie part is quite bs imo because ive been watching their drama and anime since I was young, their expositions have different vibes but not to the extreme extent you mentioned.
If anything western and other asian media often do have shows and movies where “nothing is going on” often. Christopher Nolan’s works are an obvious example.
@@SeraphimFaith I have a hunch that by watching them since you were young, you got used to those different vibes. Having a Japanese friend, I also watched Japanese cinema. so I also consider them enjoyable, but several of my acquaintences complained that they didn't feel there's enough information for them to understand situations, when the movie tried to tell the exposition by showing us expessions. You can test this with your friends - show them your favourite Japanese stories, and ask them their impressions.
we do have some similar dating methods to kokuhaku here in the philippines. we call it Ligaw (Lee - ghaw). its actually a dating period where couples get to know each other but it has to be mentioned by the person who wants to start the relationship and once his/her partner is satisfied, he/she would say yes.
In America, we call that "going steady" !
In the Philippines, isn't it normal to bring your mother and cousins on the first date with you?
Great that you share these thoughts on relationships. I did not know about kokuhaku and I think it is not so common in Europe to ask explicitly but it is often assumed as obvious after the couple spends more time together and is close to each other. The anniversary day is often "the first day we've met", not the "date of kokuhaku declaration" ❤
Thank you!
This was very informative. I really like the No “kokuhaku” culture part. I like the asking to be bf/gf very much. A level of mutual respect for each other, and for the relationship. I too prefer to have a specific date on the calendar I can look back on. It grants you both a very real way to see the relationship grow. Thank you again for this informative today!
I hope you have an excellent day! You have made my own day so much better.
The difference between high and low context culture, was the biggest problem for me - not only with women, but sometimes in business. As a German, I am brutally direct and honest. When I adapted to that, my life was so much easier.
Oh, and the one important question you shouldn't forget! I almost lost my girlfriend because she thought I wasn't serious about her. It was clear to me after the first kiss that we are in a committed relationship 😅
But I still knew the date from the first kiss and we agreed that the date is for confession 😊
Btw: I am talking about my experiences in South Korea but they are comparable.
You Don t have to be "brutally direct", auch als deutscher nicht. I try to be politely direct, never offending. For me it works.
@@aufsteigerup7222 "Brutaly direct" not according to German standards. You can still get by in business with normal German politeness. But that's also because in the business world you're more likely to meet people who take intercultural differences into account. But in private life, you need to adapt more to avoid offending others.
You are spot on. When I was in the Navy we traveled all over and even though I didn't travel to Japan I agree most guys have that mindset that it's the same everywhere. We went to clubs all around the world but the difference with me is that I observed the culture and took my time. When I talked with other women I was very respectful so in turn a lot of women stayed in contact through letters and phone calls. They Love BM trust me.
Hi Mochi-sensei and thank you for your video. First of all, I must say, you are too cute and calm! When you were telling the story about your boyfriend and talking about anniversaries, it reminded me of high school, it was really adorable!
But secondly, I wanted to speak on some of the things you brought up. I'm sorry that you got into the negative situation with the friend that liked you. I will just say that not all non-Japanese men would respond the same way in that situation. I think most of us would be at worst, confused because we thought that you liked us, not angry because our assumption was wrong. Just so you know the other side, whereas here in Japan, oftentimes friends turn into lovers, in the US, that is NOT the case. What that means is that men are forced to do everything they can to make a woman not see him as a "friend" so that he can avoid, at all costs, being placed into the hell that is known as, "The Friend Zone." If you ask any US male friend of yours, they will tell you how horrible of a situation that is. So we are always in a rush to make a girl that we like see us in an attracted way, not a friendly way. So that is why you notice the closeness, touching, etc., so early on in the relationship.
When it comes to kokuhaku culture, we do have that in the US too, but it’s not as Black and White as it tends to be here in Japan. The reason for that is that unlike Japan, the US highly values individuality and it doesn’t have a single culture that everyone follows. There are a plethora of cultures in the States in addition to everyone feeling the need to do their own thing, as a rule. So sometimes, as in your case, people ignore the “kokuhaku”, but I think most of the time, people follow this. In the US, people often date, hold hands, kiss, and are intimate with each other before they are actually boyfriend and girlfriend. However, I think that for most, they are not “Official” until a conversation has been had about them being in a “committed” relationship. So after high school, it’s not always a guy asking a girl to be his girlfriend, using that specific phrase, but I don’t think most people go around calling someone their girlfriend when at least a clear conversation about their status, hasn’t been had. But once again, there are always exceptions.
The misunderstanding part and the directness kind of go hand in hand and I think it’s important for a Japanese woman who is going to decide to date a non-Japanese man, to understand this. The “reading of the room” talent, I think only really works with other Japanese people. I think that is because Japanese value peace over individuality so it is easy for a Japanese person to guess what another Japanese person is thinking/feeling. But when it comes to people from the US especially, in my opinion, that superpower fails Japanese. I had a girlfriend (oh, I live in Japan, by the way) who used to try to do it all of the time to me and she was wrong about what I was thinking/feeling most of the time. I asked her to just listen to me because I told her how I felt/what I thought. Back to being direct, the whole reason for this is to remove the possibility of being misunderstood. But all in all, of course when it comes to cross-cultural relationships, both parties must be willing to be flexible and understanding of each other and the differences in each other’s cultures, in order to make the relationship work.
Thank you so much for your video! I especially appreciate the advice to not give up and the explanation you gave because this really confused me. I had a friend who I’d held hands with, even kissed, but she still said to me that she still saw me as a friend and this really confused me. I had no idea what she meant or how she felt, and maybe she was thinking/feeling what you said in your video. I guess one last cultural difference: In the US, this is not really the case. Once a girl has “Friend Zoned” you, getting out of that space is almost impossible and asking a girl out (kokuhaku) multiple times after she has already said no is borderline harassment so yeah, if you really like an American guy and he does ask you out, please don’t “test his love” by saying no when you think yes, because he probably won’t ask again, trying to be respectful of your wishes.
I’m sorry for this long reply but I hope that I helped answer some of your own questions. 良い一日を！
Very detailed and honest answer you gave her Jay. I wanted to say something similar but you already done it. I also lived in Korea the past 12 years, and recently came back to my homeland. However, in Korea they have something similar with this kokuhaku thing( in Korean way). Its very childish or immature to ask a women in this way, from where Im coming from. She'll probably walk away right away from you. When I was a teen 13-14 yo I did that, thats the age, but in high schooll we re more mature and no one will do it anymore! .. but she's so cute, isn't it?
Very, very underrated comment. The only thing I would argue is that the Japanese drastically overrate their ability to "read the room", and it really shows. I think they tend to insist on it because it is so engrained in their culture, but the fact is that when you actually look at things more carefully, there are a LOT of unhappy and miserable people in Japan precisely because of a lack of healthy communication and understanding, along with a very poor sense of conflict resolution (primarily due to their overwhelming desire to avoid conflict). A lot of that contributes to high rates of cheating, sexless, unhappy marriages, and especially the high suicide rates.
You actually highlighted a great example of the fallacy with your (ex?) girlfriend. I just thought I would point out that from my own observation, it doesn't work that well even for Japanese people. No matter how "good" you get at it, misunderstandings are far too easy, and in a very Japanese way, often go unaddressed until it is too late.
Great video, it really helped me understand the Japanese culture better.
Also i want to say that points 1,2 and 3 are pretty much common sense in my country (South Eastern Europe), so for me, specially the guy who got angry at you, it felt like those people were lacking in the manners department.
Either way Thank you for a good representation.
7:00 no, Mochi. You did nothing wrong. Guys need to learn to be more clear about their feelings too. As you said, he never said anything about the way he felt, he can't expect you to tell him you like/don't like him first. Don't let this memory gaslight you, you've done nothing wrong!
Exactly, THANK YOU!! The poor girl is excusing that abusive man and blaming herself thinking that's a 'cultural' thing. Yeah, a culture of misogynistic guys out there. Women don't owe anything to those entitled abusive men.
Question, when Japanese women date, dose race play a factor? Like Afro American, white guy? 0:09
Most definitely more Japanese girls would like white men since that's the typical American and most jp girls like to get to know about American culture but not sure about blacks I'm a light skin guy so I'm not sure unless you got dreads and a good style but most Asians especially Chinese would not perfer us
We have a similar culture in the Netherlands regarding the personal space and kokuhaku.
Most of the time we are direct and indirect at the same time, it really depends on the situation and question that we are being asked. That being said however, we will almost always be honest when someone asks for our own opinion and point it out and correct when someone is not either not quite right or not being honest about something.
Unless that Dutch person is a politician, he will always be honest no matter what the situation is.
@Hel, Belgian?
@Hel Ah, I see.
The country where I usually get my groceries.
I live near the German border. :D
@Hel, It might sound weird coming from a Dutch, but I really really don't like pannenkoeken.😂
Nothing beats steak and shashlik. 😋
@Hel, same to you. 😊
(My experience as an Australian) I find that the idea of 'kokuhaku' is more of a thing with younger couples: high-school and very early adulthood. But as we get older the 'formality' sort of goes away. So how do you know when to celebrate anniversary? Usually it ends up being first kiss, or confessing/professing love, or something like that.
It sounds to me like the foreigner guys you've had experience with are just not great guys. lol Also, Puerto Rico also has Kukuhaku. We don't call it that, obviously, but we do have the same "Will you be my girlfriend?" culture.
Yeah, I definitely got that vibe watching this video. Personal space violation is something a creep would do thinking he's putting on some moves, the texting guy was a straight up incel. The guy not asking her out... I've never even heard of that happening.
Kokuhaku used to be standard practice in the United States a long time ago, but wasn't practiced regularly from the late 70's to now. As time went on, morals and manners took a sharp decline. The culture became lazy and most things were taken for granted, or expected. Many traditions died or were lost along the way. It's all quite tragic and sad, but I have hope that someday it will come back into style and be practiced regularly, as it should be. I really enjoyed your video, it was very informative and enlightening. I hope to visit Japan someday, my sister spent 5 years there, her husband was in the military. She loved it very much. Anyway, loved the video, love you, take care and stay safe ❤️.
All of this, Rob. Thanks.
I think here it was called "courtship" and even that word was kinda ill defined except people would kinda cut short making a pass as soon as they found that out.
Wait, that's not still a thing? People are really just assuming now? Not even a "You wanna go out with me?" question? Just "I guess we are dating now"? So what happens when they introduce the other as their SO and that's not the case? Why would you want to go through the embarrassment of being corrected to an audience? That's just fucking dumb.
As a Brit I'll address the Kokuhaku one. We are taught that 'no means no'. If a guy asks a girl to be bf/gf and she says 'no', he will generally take that as final. Some don't but in our culture that can be problematic because the line between not giving up and hassling the person is a very fine one. Since Me Too (some of which was long overdue to be fair), men have become a lot more cautious because it is much safer to take 'no' as 'no'.
If you are going to be interested in guys from English-speaking countries, you need to be aware that we are not mind readers. We prefer women to communicate clearly because it is safer that way. If you are dating a guy and you say 'no' because you are looking for proof of his love/devotion (etc), don't be too shocked if he bounces. Also, if after a few days of silence you contact him to ask why and tell him he was meant to pursue you, do not be too surprised if he gets annoyed and says something along the lines of 'if you mean yes, then just say that'.
Good video though, some useful information in it.
Hi Mochi just found your channel and I find it refreshing. Thank you for the insight really appreciate the info so as to not ever cross that red line with a Japanese woman. Great advise!! Stay safe! ❤❤🙏🙏🙏👍👍
Many American women have been writing in emojis for years, so I can get why he misunderstood. I had been "dating" my wife, she's filipino, for almost 3 months when I called her one day and got my first tampo. She hung up on me. Later, she called me back and she was like, "I need to know what is going on with us. Are you my boyfriend. Are we friends? What are we?"
I was like I thought you are my girlfriend.
"You never asked me to be your girlfriend. You never asked me to be only your girl."
I really didn't know the obvious needed to be stated. She had the same worries over having an anniversary.
I have noticed in Ireland the asking a girl to be your girlfriend has slowly diminished. We used to go to dances and the DJ would put on a slow set. The boys would get the courage up and ask a girl they liked for a dance. If she said yes that was good. as you danced you would chat then ask her name if you got that it was good. After the dance you may ask to walk her home or meet again.If you went on a date you would ask would you go out with me. In other words would you be my girlfriend. At this stage the girl would either say yes or I think we should just stay friends. Now everything seems to be over the phone or internet. Very hard to give someone a rose oner the phone. Older days Older ways ah I do miss them
I met a friend at the crossroads. while we were talking a girl who I had never seen before came up the road. He said here she comes talk of the town, I am going to go out with her next. He was still dating one of her friends at the time. I said oh you cant do that. Why he asks. Because I am going to marry her. This was before she could hear what we were saying before I ever met her. What are you guys talking about, she asked when she got to us. You, I said, what did you say? Ill tell you on our fist date. That was 1975 she was 14 I was 16... we are still together. I don't know why I said I was going to marry her. It was out of character for me but it just felt like she was going to be my wife and I was very excited to meet her for the first time. 48 years later I still say I have not got used to being around her yet and she jokes (i hope) you are on probation, I am not sure if you are the right guy.
Basically I am still chasing her and she is still playing hard to get.
@@justinfufun5483 wow! That’s super sweet and I commend you. From my personal experience, only advice I can give is to cherish EVERY possible second you have with her. The ones we care most for can be taken from us in the blink of an eye
You can always use a Rose emoji
In my experience in the US a few weeks or maybe months in there's always been a conversation about making a relationship official. I.E. "are we boyfriend/girlfriend?" Or "I want to be your boyfriend" etc Idk maybe it's a Midwest thing.
Has to be a gen z thing lol
I met a Japanese girl through Pairs app and we have been long distance chatting since January. She's currently living far away from Kanto but we already made plans to meet each other for the first time and stay together for a few days.. I am really nervous because it's my first time dating and not sure when is the best time to confess to her but watching your tips, made feel ready before visiting her. Thank you!
So you've never met her before? Isn't that scary? What if you don't vibe together?
@@Foden5354 Well, I could always go back and cancel the trip but we've been video chatting for how many months now so we, basically, already know each other at this point, just virtually. Plus, if she wasn't interested, she could've ignored or sent one word of text to me but she didn't and we already carefully discussed it together.
That's long-distance chat in a nutshell.
Nah, don't worry, you're going to make it
She is gone son...shes reading this😂
@@DrOfRunescape lmao. Nah, we still talking ;)
I've had a couple of Japanese gfs in Japan as a western man. I never asked them if they would be my gf. It just naturally happened. You can have an anniversary based on the day you met someone, or the day you had your first kiss, or something like that. I can't imagine ever asking a woman if she would be my gf. I think it has to happen naturally. That's too formal for me.
Well you are one lucky bastard, I never ask girls if they would be my gf. It never happens naturally so I just gave up on the thing as a whole. Maybe I might have more luck in Japan; as a European guy in the USA I have 0.
three reasons why japanese doesn't make good friends:
first, they makes zero efforts to speak other languages and anyway when we try to speak japanese they laugh at our accents and they don't forgive bad pronounciations
secondly, they refuse to show their feelings no matter how polite, kind and respectful we are. just because they refuse to put us in their friendship circle for some reason (in fact it's only when they get drunk, it's just pathetic)
and thirdly, they love to criticize the others in their back. they judge us without knowing us, they don't give us any chance. they don't tell our mistakes, how can we improve ourselves.
i like japan, for what it has naturally, but i do not get why its locals are so well seen in the world. they don't deserve that weeaboo praise.
Exactly like me. I just think some guys are too obsessed to get into a relationship with some Japanese girls, that they can't really understand them.
When it's supposed to happen, just forget those stereotypes of ''Japanese girls''
It reminds me of junior high I think I passed a note once that asked that.
Maybe that's why none of your girlfriends stayed with you, because you're just waiting for everything to happen by itself instead of knowing what you want and making it happen.
Honestly I think point 3 and 4 contradict each other in a sense. You don't want to be direct, but you want to be asked about the relationship status directly. This feels unintuitive to me. Also trying Kokuhaku many times and trying to change someones mind seems similar to the concept of "Friendzone" or stalking or a rather abusive relationship, which are all considered unhealthy. How would you feel if the guy from point 3 just kept on trying to confess to you and change your mind even though you told him you're not interested?
I agree completely. In my experience with women from different cultures this isn't a culture issue; it's a woman issue. It doesn't matter how nice and quiet or how loud or over the top two different women are, either one can be immature and play games. A lot of times stories like the authors they will be playing the field and interested in multiple people at the same time and know someone is into them while stringing them along. They will also trying to save face and say "oh I just like him as a friend " with friends and family that ask about it so they have an easy out if they like someone else slightly more. I don't like that the guy got angry, it's better to show it doesn't bother you and you have options, but I also don't blame him either. The fact that she wants guy four to keep trying so she may change her mind later just shows the power dynamic and immaturity as well. It's not worth it for a guy to stick around, better to move on at this point. If you told me stories 3 and 4 were at the same time I'd believe it.
What I got is that they're not straightforward so they do baby steps and to confirm the relationship they do the 4th part to clear things up. So instead of being too direct they are very subtle but they eventually have to set things straight so the confession part happens. I think it's cute. And it sucks that it doesn't happen everywhere.
@@kcmac9298 tell me you never touched a woman without telling me you never touched a woman
We foreigners at least want some closure. If people dont want to meet us again, it is fine. But at least, show some signs of consideration and respect to express rejection in a better way.
I know in Japan, ghosting people is kinda common but sometimes, this affects the people who are being ghosted mentally and emotionally.
Best tip you gave was at the beginning: "speed up the vid if you think it's too slow". Sorry if I'm direct like that.
kind opf funny how the "reading the room" is almost reversed when it comes to the confession thing lmao, in the US generally two people MAY have a conversation on the status of the relationship but we kind of "just know" its official before that convo ever happens. Its more of a confirmation then a request from the guy.
1:46 As a German man in Japan I thought Japanese people are getting too close often, which either made me feel uncomfortable or sent butterflies through my stomach.
2:36 One of the first three questions Japanese people, especially girls usually ask is if you have a girlfriend, or not, which is so direct. In Germany, this question can be a little bit awkward.
8:03 Many Japanese girls think Kokuhaku culture is a Japanese thing so they don't expect it from foreigners. But of course, to a level, this exists in every culture. So if you are only looking for something serious you should always wait for some kind of verbal contract before indulging in your animal instincts.
I would say that it will be similar in the Czech Republic
That foreign guy who got mad because you rejected him was wrong to be upset. it wasn't your fault. He sounds like an entitled American who can't handle rejection like an adult. I'm not sure if he was American, but a lot of American men act like that. You did nothing wrong.
#4 We do and we don't here in the USA, though it's usually a little more subtle; funny that Japanese people are not direct, as you said, but in this instance they are more direct than foreigners lol.
It really depends on who you are dating. Most of my relationships we eventually say something like "do you mind if I call you my girlfriend?" Also, there is usually a period of dating where you don't use the word "love", and so the first time you tell someone you love them, that is when your relationship is considered committed.
For Americans, the directness varies depending on the region you are from. People in large cities are very direct and don't care about hurting your feelings or getting into your personal space (because basically there is no personal space ). People in the Southern regions of America do not want to hurt other's feelings if they can avoid it. If a couple likes each other there is no need to "pop the question" for just being together, we reserve that for marriage because it makes marriage more special and there are going to be many times girls will change their mind about you before she is close enough to ask the question. Agreed, men should not be physically all over women they are dating. Being too touchy feely is both rude and often sends the wrong signal. Not even in America should this be done yet there are a lot of American men that think they are God's gift to women. Now, that said, trying to date a Japanese woman is like trying to catch a deer in the forest they are too easily frightened away so the chase isn't really worth the effort.
You are right about the personal space thing, generally speaking in Australia we don't have too many close talkers (the ones that are are usually have a foreign background) because we have heaps of space. Surprises me the Japanese don't like because they are living on top of each other.
It's funny, but we Russians think that Westerners isn't direct, and always try to hide their opinion under ton of words.
@@PyromaN93 American politicians do that all the time. Especially when a news reporter asks the hard questions. You'll never get a straight answer from an American politician.
From a german perspective people from America are not really honest or direct, they are usually super friendly, but honest or direct... no way.
women in large cities who are very direct and don't care about hurting your feelings or getting into your personal space (because basically there is no personal space ) are the best persons to date. they put asians to shame.
I'm Brazilian, and we tend to be very direct here (at least I prefer to solve things this way, I find it more practical). As per touching before knowing, it depends a lot. I know girls who don't mind or even prefer that way, as well as girls that prefer to be more physically distant until both have something going on. Curiously, we have a "kokuhaku" culture for most of the time. We can date a person for an extended period of time without asking them to be girlfriend/boyfriend, but sometimes it generates misunderstandings (like one side feeling that they're already an official couple and the other thinking they are just having fun or are still getting to know each other), but to make it official, it is much more common to ask a girl/guy to be your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Able to maintain spatial awareness, address things with tact and grace, ability to read a room, and able to take a hint. These requirements aren't outlandish at all! Sounds like wanting common decency, and I love that for her
@8:55 ...well that happens when you ask "what are we" then he'll ask or he wont usually it's men that try to get sex and women who aim for a relationship traditionally, but things are changing so that's not always the case for it. A lot of people who have poor communications skills end up in an undefinded relationship that is usually sexual called a situationship...I hope this helps.
Hi Mochi-sensei, I just want to say that you did nothing wrong with that foreign guy. You handled it in the best and most mature way possible. If he couldn't handle your polite rejection, that is his problem, not yours. Please don't think most foreign guys are like that. I don't know if there is a really good way to handle that situation that you were in, but here in America, everyone would side with you over that guy.
This is also applies to Swedes when it comes to personal space x) I do believe it's important to learn about Japanese culture and their mindset. It took me a while to understand it myself.
I am swedish and this is true swedish people dont like it when our personal space are invaded
I, Swedish male, had a work discussion with a woman from another company and another culture. She was standing about 40 cm from me and it felt really awkward.. but she did the same with everyone else, so it was normal to her.
@@altoclef6688 Yeah to her its normal perhaps but I would find that akward I am a swedish woman by the way
@@altoclef6688 I would be annoyed if someone invaded my personal space unless they say "excuse me"
@@agamersinsanity Of course, problem is the normal personal space, distance at conversations, varies a lot between cultures.
This is a very good video!
I'm Norwegian, and when we are sober, I think most of us keep a respectful distance when talking to people. There are two reasons "normal" Norwegians would get too close (or at least closer) and that is because they are drunk, or because they have spent some time living in a culture where the "space bubble" is smaller. I lived in Spain for a while, and Spaniards are much more "close talkers" than Norwegians, and when I came back to Norway, I had to be conscious about keeping a little more distance than I had become used to (though my close friends had almost all been living abroad and were more close talkers than most).
Kokuhaku: I've only ever seen this in anime, and as a Norwegian, I would never dear do this, at least in Norway! It would be perceived as very weird and cringe! At least the formal way it is presented as in anime, please tell us or show us if it's different in real life! On the OTHER hand... Personally, I would never present a girl as my girlfriend without discussing it first. Maybe start the conversation with "Sooo... Are we a couple now?" or something like that. Or maybe "I think I'm falling in love with you". (That is a slightly guarded sentence, and basically translates to "I'm totally in love with you!", but if she says she doesn't feel the same, the shame isn't as bad, if you know what I mean...)
Also, if you are in a fairly committed relationship with a Norwegian, he might suddenly start referring to you as his wife when talking to friends or in informal settings. Please don't be scared if this happens. It isn't a joke (even if said in a joking manner), though it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to propose right away, but it is a term of endearment and shows that he is committed to the relationship.
You sound like a scaredy cat
@@IchibanOjousama Too old to be scared of most things.
for some reason, this video made me smile!
In addition to ALL women communicating covertly, japanese women took it to a whole another level. I guess, if you master understanding japanese women, you become Yoda Jedi level in mind reading! 🤣
Japanese women: "I want a foreigner boyfriend, because I don't like Japanese men's habits. Or, foreign men are more respectful."
... gets foreigner boyfriend.
Three months into the relationship...
Japanese women to foreign boyfriend: "Why can't you be more Japanese?"
🧐😳🤔😒
Bingo. 😆
so weird that they complain about japanese guys and want the foreigner guy to act just the japanese guys she hate and sounds like huge hipacrit
Happened with me😂,, and she was scared of me when i try to confront her bad behaviour ….!!
For Kokuhaku culture, in America, we usually assume we are dating once a second date is agreed on. And it's an unspoken action, nothing formal. In Japan I dated a girl for 5 weeks, with maybe 4 dates, and going all the way under the (wrong) assumption that we were already dating. Luckily we really liked each other and are otherwise very open and communicative so we realized she did not yet think we were dating. She was doing all these things thinking I was playing the field and dating other girls potentially while I had been loyal and only attentive to her the entire time. From there we made it official, but I can easily recommend all guys do this because even from a mental perspective it's not very fair to let your partner's imagination pull out the worst (potentially) when you're undoubtedly (accidentally) causing much emotional stress to them.
Thank you for the tips number 4. I think I won't give up and try again and again in the future.
As an Asian, I feel like every point was exact ✌🏼. Relationships (to me atleast) are not fragile or casual stuffs. It takes time to develop and requires trust ultimately getting converted to marriage.
My biggest nightmare would be to get cheated on. Don't ever want that to happen 🥲. I would rather die.
I agree. Cheating is a devastating blow to the heart.
@@dethkok3869 so true✨
@@dethkok3869 and Devastating to the soul
I could tolerate getting cheated on, but it would definitely hurt my trust and engagement in others in a really long term.
It's like getting robbed late at night when all alone, you won't ever be having that same walk without any fear.
@@AzzRushman I totally feel the same way bro .
Kokuhaku - interesting. At some point, a man should always ask for a woman to be his girlfriend. even tho they have already been acting like that or not. You need to be clear about what your intentions are. Otherwise, you are free to date or be with anyone you choose to be with until that point. Plus, you don't have to wonder what your anniversary date is. Just for your information, Canadian black male here.
I wouldn't know because I've never been in a relationship. Also you misspelled it. it's kokuhaku.
@@electronjon I'm going to assume that you are male. I hope you are young or you are lying that you have never been in a relationship. If a relationship is something that you want? If you work on yourself and try, someday it will happen. don't give up.
@@DarkstarReborn yes I'm male. And no I'm not lying. I've never been in a relationship.
@@electronjon How old are you? Plus, do you really want a relationship with a female or anyone? If you don't want one you don't need one. it's okay to be single.
@@jorqlip Wow 30! Do you really want a relationship, are you straight, do you normally do any social activity outside with the opposite sex? Most importantly, I hope you are not going after just 10's. I'm going to assume you are not a virgin, you went out on at less a couple of dates and take a shower every day. Plus, I'm going to assume that you are at most a 6 yourself, even if you are working on yourself constantly. On the other hand, you may just have some bad luck, unless you choose to be single. However, most men don't actually get into relationships for long or have kids. A lot of men die unmarried, and a lot of married men get divorced and become unhappy. Not to forget some married men die unhappy in their relationships. So, you are not the only lonely man out there. Rates yourself out of 10 and go for women on your level.
Keep on working on yourself in the right way, and be more social with your good friends outside your home. Get a cute dog and join a cooking class or something with women, you will find one. The dog will get you the girl, they will come up to you. Just have something to say when they do.