8 Ways To Restore Your Marriage After Infidelity
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- 8 Ways To Restore Your Marriage After Infidelity
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I’m confused. #5 You said to become completely transparent, open and honest. But in #6, You say, “protect your spouse from details that will haunt their mind”. I don’t see how you can do both. One is revealing secrets and the other is keeping secrets! Every part of the affair haunts my mind! Details helps me to piece back together what I don’t know. Where was my protection when he discarded me in order to have an affair? Where was my protection when he was lying to me and keeping secrets from me? Now you want him to “protect” me from the details and continue to keep secrets? The “secrets” is what created the “details”! If he doesn’t want to show you how ugly his actions were, how low he could go, what he’s truly capable of and how far he went, then there’s no honest attempt to become transparent enough to rebuild anything. I’ll put it this way, we were writing “our story” by being in a marriage. Then, he decides to “write” chapters that don’t include me but introduced another person(s) into “our story” that he’s intimate with without my knowledge or consent. I find out that he’s replaced me and written his own “story” in secret. Then, he wants to “come clean” and be “transparent” by letting me “read” those “chapters” but much of it is “redacted” and blackened out to “protect” me from knowing the whole truth, that I still need to forgive & am required by God to forgive? How can I forgive what I don’t know? How can we “be on the same page” in “our story” if he’s allowed to continue to keep secret the “details”? No one can be loved unconditionally, if they only let you conditionally know them. He’s still hiding his true self. Am I supposed to feel safe enough with whoever that “self” might be to reconcile with him and try to build a new “story” and trust him, knowing that there’s “redacted” material hidden from me? I can’t reconcile #5 & #6. It doesn’t leave me feeling protected. It leaves me feeling like a little child who doesn’t have the right to know adult material that I had no choice in its perpetration on me! I’m just being victimized again. How can I make an informed decision to stay or go if I don’t know the details? Up to this point, he’s robbed me of my choices, my reality and the whole truth. If he truly wants to not lose me, reveal the redactions! GIVE ME A REAL CHOICE! He made his choices when he chose to cheat and all the ugly consequences that came with it! And one of them may be that I walk away. THAT is MY CHOICE! By writing me out of “our story”, he now is required to “write” me back in by providing me with the details! The details tell me who he really is and how much he wants me to know him and how much he truly wants to return my choices to me! I prefer reality, not a reasonable facsimile. I’m already “haunted” by his betrayal, his lies, his secrets, his ego building escapades and his complete lack of valuing me and our history together for half of our lives!
I believe their message is spot on. Being transparent and honest is a necessity. No more secrets and open access to computers, laptops, phones, etc. That is indeed what you need and deserve. #6 is more about the minute details. Please remember you cannot un-hear something once it has been told to you. Hearing every gory detail can be so much more damaging to the healing process than you can imagine. My need for detail was among the line of facts that confirmed what occurred, but without knowing explicit details such as sexual positions, etc. Those are the details that are often too damaging for a betrayed spouse to move past. They create awful mind movies that you cannot get away from and intrusive thoughts that keep you stuck in agonizing pain. Big difference between #5 and #6.
I am so grateful to have found your channel! You all are saving my marriage! God bless you!
Stumbled on this and am greatfull 27 years of marriage but always looking to enhance a better marriage. Blessings to you both.
Great discussion...
Thank you !
You guys!!! ❤️
Your teachings are so helpful and we appreciate you very much.
Can y’all help me and my husband restore our marriage