the thing that annoys me the most is this "silent treatment" label. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was constantly shut down for having an opinion and was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I clammed up around them. I was accused of giving the silent treatment but the fact is I was scared that the next thing I say will cause an argument.
Isn't it great how they manage to turn everything into your fault. That's a great example of 'walking on eggshells' Hope things have improved for you now, as you say it in a past tense :-)
Will Perry don't get me started on walking on eggshells. I could be doing something as simple as making toast and I would have to explain my actions. I would love to say I'm doing well but everything hit me like ptsd... I reached out for therapy cause I want to move on and be happy.
He is 100% on point. I missed my wife and wanted her back. Then a friend said “when you miss her, think of the bad way she treated you.” I never missed her again!
bro that is the fairytale version idk how anybody could actually love somebody and have it be that easy.. my ex and i believe me each other to be soul mates for 5 years with kids involved and letting go of her in my heart has been the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. remembering the bad doesn’t do anything to help. nobody is perfect at the end of the day.
That's right. "A person can only take so much." If you deserve better and the pattern hasn't stopped...MOVE ON, MOVE ON. Don't stay out of pride or bcs of what others think or out of fear of loneliness.
Yet the mindset of a Victim is to 'try harder' which, while being a wonderful value of giving, is sadly wasted on an Abuser. To be able to leave you first need to see things how they are. Change your perspective - all covered in my new FREE on-line Programme
Yes, Will. A therapist once said, "You fell in love w/ who you thought they were/who they pretended to be not who they really are." Staying is "beating a dead horse" and it only gets worse. You want a PARTNER & NOT a project.
The worst part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship (as I am in one right now) is that the person covers up their actions with false apology and regret, then hurts you over and over and somehow blames you for not doing things "right" as justification. Thanks for this video I'm slowly coming to terms with myself and making up my mind as I seek help from others who know me personally and know my boyfriend personally.
Being in an abusive relationship literally feels like an anchor is pulling you down and you can’t swim to the surface no matter how hard your trying to break free. You are suffocating slowly, desperately trying to swim to the top.
There is a pattern. He will start fights that end with you groveling to him, bending for him when he has the problem! Even if you went to him with problems, he will be defensive and controlling. I'm trying my best to learn to trust people after three years of this and physical.
Thank you. I am much happier with myself now. It was a rocky start but I surrounded myself my friends that support me through everything. I still have issues with the idea of love and fear of being a situation similar but i'm slowly healing from that. Thank you again.
Gosh it is like all abusers are Cut from the same cloth. You have a problem they push you speak out then somehow they twist it and it ends with you on the wrong side. My mum was sick, it troubled my spirit I was so low and just had silent episode the next thing I know I was the villain that I was cheating that is why I am withdrawn. And still went ahead to abuse my mother and brother whore
Going through this right now. My boyfriend has never put his hands on me , but he's a liar, a drug addict and has cheated on me. He is not emotionally available, yet I'm finding it so hard to walk away. I have never been in any kind of an abusive relationship before. l feel like the biggest idiot on earth for still loving him
Don't feel trapped they make u feel not good enough to move on or find someone else. But you can let go. Do it for yourself it will only get worse not better. And cheatting hurts the most cause u sit and question "what am i doing wrong" the answer is nothing. He is the one making bad decisions and hes the one who feels like he has control over u and your emotions. Leave before you get hurt it mentally scars you. I was in your shoes for 5 years you can let it go, just be selfish and think about yourself. I hope you escape the abuse best of luck and stay strong
+Sara Bower You can do this Sara. Look at Melanie Tonia Evans website for some valuable information and education on healing from narcissistic abuse. That is where I am finding my own relief and journey to healing. Working on yourself and not focusing on the narcissist is the key, Sara. They use us for their "supply"...stop supplying your boyfriend, start looking at your beautiful self and giving yourself the attention to heal parts of yourself that a narcissist hooks into in the most subtle and charming ways to begin with and then the devastation ensues. Loving a narcissist is very addictive; it's part of the package, Sara. Don't beat yourself up over loving him, be kind to yourself and seek support to let go and to tell yourself the truth and others what is really going on. Sending you love and light for your way out and up into your own life journey
+Sara Bower I was in the same situation as you, but I'm a guy and my abuser was my ex-girlfriend. It's tiresome but moving on will benefit you in the long run.
Don't remember the person you *thought* you fell in love with. That person never existed. See the abuser for what s/he is. Remember all the ways this person treated you like complete garbage. When you start to miss that person, recall all the ways they shit on you. THAT'S the real person.
Verbal abuse, gaslighting, one sided love, silent treatment and being left out and blocked on social media is hard to get over. Especially when you care and they don’t.
Im going through the same thing. My abuser was lying to me and emotionally torturing me for 2 years. She lied to me about really horrible things to keep me down. She told me a lot of her close friends died early, she told me she had tumors multiple times, and she told me she was raped. All of these were lies
Great tip. After my last marriage, I learned a new way of love. I no longer give myself completely to the other person, i'm aware and now in control of my life , my emotions, my decision. It is stupid to feel pain and sorrow for someone who is not worth it. And i did that a few times and waisted so may years of my life living this way. At age 38 i said "no more" i kept my word and very proud for making that decion at that age and not 80 years old. Drive ur bus, don't let anyone drive it for u👍
And I want to say thank you to all the ladies who commented below. And ironically we are not alone, we deserve better, we are worth MORE. I know leaving him today has to be the last time. I choose ME again. And I don’t know any of you but I love you all! And just think if we could love the wrong person this much just imagine what it will feel like when it’s not abusive and reciprocated.♥️
We invest so much, we find the loss almost impossible because we gave of ourselves. Not only our resources. A kind of identity crisis is what I'm experiencing. What a twisted game.
That’s absolutely it! We are in an identity crisis, because we often attach ourselves to others feeling that they ‘complete’ us in a way, yet what we really need to do is find that calm and completeness within ourselves 🥰🙏
The one thing that strikes me over and over again, is why do I feel so sad for him not being able to express love in a healthy way. After everything he did to me, all the verbal and sometimes physical abuse and I still feel so bad for this guy. I'm sad about how things turned out, sometimes I even miss him. Some moments I'm so angry about everything and mostly angry about the fact that he decided I can't see our dog, he took her and because of this he took a great piece of me too. I asked him once, when he was in a calm mood, if you say you love me then why do you treat me the way you do? He came up with a weird answer about him wanting the best for me and getting angry/frustrated when things were not perfect. I never asked for things to be perfect, I just wanted him to be calm and enjoy life and the little moments. But he was/is not capable of doing so. I can't change the way he sees the world or how he thinks about certain things. The hard part about this is that there's no way of talking sense into him, simply because he's not able to understand empathy like "normal" humans do. There are a million things I want to say to him, but I know there's no use... I just have to let go, and we all know that's easier said then done, unfortunately. And let's be clear, anger is never the answer.
Good luck to you, Lily! I know it's not easy during covid. Be in touch with your domestic violence shelters for planning your Escape and techniques for keeping yourself as safe as possible. Knowledge is power!
why is it so difficult for abusers to stop? if they claim they love you and over and over and over.. they are never going to do it again.. yet they keep going.. why is it so hard for an abusive person to just stop being abusive? granted i know those who are abused tend to abuse but are there no cases where abusive people who have been abusive for 15 plus years to ever stop? or are they doomed to be this type of person forever? and if someone wants to change what are the REAL steps to getting there?
nobody is really doomed to act one way or another, while I can understand the mentality of a person who abuses as their only way to communicate their feelings, it is not progressive and it is not the only way to do things. An abuser must see a reason to stop, if they see no reason to stop abusing someone they will continue to do so. An abuser does not have compassion towards those they abuse, most likely every abuser has had a childhood of abuse and they simply were not taught how to behave normally, a broken heart will lash out at those they hold closest, even if they themselves cant admit to the pain of their past. That being said, NOBODY but the abuser themselves can change themselves. It is not a womans responsibility to be their mother, and if you wish to help an abuser, be absolutely sure of your convictions to STOP the abuse because otherwise they will continue to do so and learn nothing, even if that means putting them in jail.
The way we act is regulated by structures in the brain. For example, if the CG 25 area is underdeveloped, chronic depression will occur. Check out Cog Sci at UCSD (where I go), we have the best cog sci program in the United States. Determinism is a fact.
well , that may be true. But then again, by that belief we have no free will, and maybe we don't. Maybe we are only robots responding to our brain chemistry. I prefer to believe that we have the freedom to choose. Also, one must look at the origins of these abnormalities to change them. If one doesn't understand how these changes in brain came about, then we cannot fix them. Most abusers came from abused families. That could be genetic, but I believe we have the ability to change ourselves.
you have no idea how helpful this was. i feel so worthless and empty. i almost just want him back because i’m so so hurt and upset i have no idea what to do because that was who i always ran to. but in reality he is the cause of this, it’s so hard. thank you.
He continuously reminded me that he was better than me. I opened up to him about being bullied, and not having friends and he used THAT to shut me down in in our arguments. He insulted me, brought my insecurities, and hurt me by making me feel horrible. He then said that I was selfish even if I did a bunch of shit for him. He was never grateful. He was defensive and believed my toxic best friend when she lied abt me all the time.
My husband is out of the house due that he was running to get a gun to shoot me my son stopped him and he hurt him. That gives me the strength FINALLY to keep him at bay. It's been 4 days now and he is sleeping in his car in below zero weather and now I'm feeling sorry for him after all the shit he has done for me. I have been thinking of all the bad it does help. But I hate how I feel sorry for people. I'm a caregiver for all. Please help me stay strong... We have been together for 24 years
He was going to kill you. You're lucky to be alive. You're lucky your son didn't get shot. You should press charges. That is the only way he will get help. 1. He will get out of the freezing weather. 2. He will be court ordered to get aid in an abuser's group-with an 80% chance of success. 3. He will go to jail where you will be safe and he will have a consequence for his actions.
How are u now ? And I feel your pain I’m madly in love with my fiancé but unfortunately he’s been physically abusive as well and I just can’t leave. I just can’t
You hit the nail right on the head. 25 years in emotionally and physically abusive relationship & marriage. "flip those pictures around" This is very helpful, hard, but helpful.
I just ended a long time relationship that was emotionally and at times physically abusive. Watching your videos help me have hope that I can overcome all the pain I feel leaving him and how I can get over him. I constantly have this battle of good/bad memories and get guilty only thinking of the bad memories. But you helped show that in time I can use those good memories but during the letting go process it's ok to think and use the bad memories as a sled motivator to stay away! Your voice is so calming and your relaxed manner just calms me. Just wanted to say thank you for making these videos and please continue them!
Thank you for your wonderful feedback Angela and I'm so glad that these videos have helped you. Have a look at my FREE Programme too: www.udemy.com/emotional-abuse-understanding-what-it-is
A Cf one year passed since you've written this but I still find it brave that you opened up! I left my emotionally and also at times physically abusive husband yesterday after he had lost all control over himself and I thought he was going to kill me. I am going through the same battle and it's very painful. How are you doing now?
This is so true, I used to feel so terrible about standing up for myself, I felt bad about telling the truth. I am finally done for the last time when a woman can just give themselves permission to beat you for no reason, just because they know i wont lay my hands on a woman. I realize how sick it is for anyone to live like that, and i am done. Thanks for the affirmation and subscribed.
Found this years ago when I needed to watch it twice a day. Then I needed it once a day and then on occasion. Now I come as a reminder and share with others.
Thank you for this video. Exactly what i needed. I've had a habit of blocking out negative memories and making excuses. Will make a list to remind myself why I should avoid that person
I am 30. I got with my ex when I was 21, he was 20. Our relationship from the get go was marked with craziness and a ton of sex. Through the years, our relationship was plagued with emotional, psychological and physical abuse. There were great times in there, too, but many instances of volatility and extreme emotional highs and lows. Many times I felt abandoned, rejected, hurt, disappointed, worthless and was completely consumed by my relationship. I had terrible anxiety and I'm pretty sure PTSD. I felt as if I was nothing without it or him. I totally lost myself, my identity and was extremely sad and unhappy. After we had our child, I put my foot down and broke up with him, twice, but i always went back. It felt like a drug, the constant highs and lows. I knew he was bad for me, but I didnt know how to let go. Our daughter is now 3 and even though I know hes a shitty person, to me at least, I find myself forgiving his actions because I'm empathetic, forgiving and I see him as a wounded, immature child who just needs love. I guess in a way I feel like I can fix him. Hes on drugs, he lies, never keeps his word and I just found out what a trauma bond is. It's what we have. When I first broke up with him, I felt so empowered, liberated and free. I'm hoping to kick him out if my life for good, but it's difficult, because we have a child together.
It's ALWAYS about low self-esteem, though they might not identify it as such...because perhaps they have high confidence (externally projected). Thanks for your comment! x
I would just like to say that not everyone finds love in an intimate partnership. Expecting that will happen is a bit fairytaleish and can add to disappointment. Letting go of a bad relationship makes room for a good one with oneself.
I really appreciate this video so very much. Figuring out how to let go of someone I love very much but who hurts me so badly has been the real challenge of my relationship. Bless you, Will. I take it for an auspicious sign that this video was posted on my anniversary.
This video was 9 years ago. 4 years ago I met my abuser and after 3 years of our relationship I’m still struggling even after it’s ended. It’s definitely the love for this person which makes it so hard. Hoping they’ll change or denying the treatment and words. More and more I’m seeing the pattern and I’m absolutely heartbroken 😔 Thank you for posting this video 🤍
I's all linked to your beliefs about yourself Elvira, let me know if this makes a little more sense: www.thewillperryway.com/pathway-coaching-for-relationships
Great strategy. The next level is to let go of that negative emotion - revenge! Then you're really free. But perhaps that's just your turn-of-phrase too :-)
Financial independence is essential. Which is why parents should encourage all their children(especially girls) to seek higher education and have a lucrative career.
Thank you for creating this video. It's 9 years old and I can't imagine the effect it possibly has had on viewers. I just got out of an abusive relationship and I'm not sure who I can talk to about it but these videos help
Thank you for this video I've tried to pray the evil intentions away I was told years ago that my husband had narcissistic trait's I never believed them until I watched Him play me as a game for 2 years while making me look like one. He has God now so I hope he figures himself out so he doesn't continue to hurt people 18 year's and I'm convinced He never loved me or knew how to. I look forward to a balanced marriage someday if God allows. Thank you for your information it's helping me realize what's more important. God Bless you
I see the full pattern but I still love her.... I just can't agree to this anymore. I'm glad she went too far, and the pain got too great, otherwise I would have stayed in this miserable relationship forever. I'm trying to remember the abuse, but I forget too easily... I'm really lucky that she still reminds me every chance she gets.
yes, remember the abuse but dont live in it. its a driving factor to ending the relationship, but it is also a very torturous experience to stay in that frame of mind for too long because you constantly relive the emotional turmoil. i think its easier to not think about either, allow the emotional waves to pass over you and to realise they wont EVER change :D
I thank you so much but thinking about the bad things he have done n said is like torturing..whenever I remember these things I can literally feel my heart aching.. this is too painful for me..
My on-line Programme 'Overcoming Emotional Abuse' deals with just this. It makes perfect sense does it not, that if you keep thinking about the bad things, you'll keep feeling the pain. So changing the focus of WHAT you're focusing on in your mind is so important. Currently have an offer of over 75% discount on this Programme, down from £95 to just £23 - go and look at the overview and the content previews: www.udemy.com/overcoming-emotional-abuse/?couponCode=NOVEMBER
I never thought of giving myself permission to remember the awful things to let go. The problem I'm finding with that is, that I get SO angry I can hardly stand it. Any suggestions when you hit that phase?
organysntracey1 I could help with specific Skype Coaching: will.perry@changingpost.co.uk It would help to detach from the emotions, to just observe rather than feel...to then be able to let go (not forget but let go of the attachment to those feelings
Thank you so much for sending me this message i was in an abusive relationshop myself and i could never let go and once i relized how bad it was i got the guts to say goodbye it was upseting but im stayin strong now :)
I tend to emphasize the brighter side of life in all things, and see the positive more than the negative. But in coming to realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, after several months of no contact, looking more introspectively at the toxcicity in the relationship is a great idea. Turn the light on, and take off the rose colored glasses.
Will perry, thank you so very much for sending my soul this message. I have been struggling with the parts of my abuser that I love and it has been killing me inside and out. 3 years of wanting to run and feeling like a prisoner! I was recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which has continued to worsen due to my internal battle. I know now that I can let go! Your message has saved my life as I was on a path of destruction. Your truly a blessing to many. Thank you!
I appreciated what you said about letting go and forgiveness. As a 'victim' almost 48 years old, it's still seems to be drilled into my head that if you let go of an abuser, you haven't forgiven. So victims are programmed to tolerate the abuse(r) in order to prove their ability to love and forgive, in spite of what's happening. When letting go of my abuser, I am then told I am guilty of rejecting them, as though I'm the abuser! Abusers are excellent at projecting. No more toxicity for me.
I went through emotional and physical abuse and after gotten punched in the face with a fist and gotten hit with a slamming door, I left without having said a word. I often said I'd be done but always kept returning or taking him back whenever he returned. But yesterday after repeated physical attack I was done and able to leave without having to say it. I just did it .. but it is very very hard to get over the person you loved the most and would have done anything for. And often you blame yourself. It is very important to understand our own value, men and women, whoever does or did this to you, DOES NOT LOVE YOU! They are attached to you, they want to keep you, to possess you, but that is NOT Love. Let go and learn to respect yourself so that you won't ever let anyone abusive enter your life anymore. Take the time healing yourself and gaining self respect and appreciation. Once you learn loving yourself, you won't attract such people ever again because you'll never give anyone power over you again. Much love to all of you :)
Bless You for your insight and encouragement...You are opening the eyes of SOOOOO many hurting people who need to heal and that is an awesome blessing!!!!!!
I'm gonna post this in a forum I visit regularly on abuse! I've been giving out the same advice (based on my own experience of letting go of my abusive ex) so thanks for this vid xxx
I'm scared because I feel like I will never tire of the abuse. I had a traumatic childhood into my teens and adulthood so abuse, is, normal. I don't like the abuse. I know it's not right. But i dont know any different so it's just like any other day.
Hi Heather, yes you're absolutely right - that's what makes it so difficult to believe you could make a change... but you can. See if this makes sense: www.thewillperryway.com/pathway-coaching-for-relationships
I made up my mind that I don't have to settle for being treated like garbage. In time I came to really appreciate the person I truly am and to treat myself much better. My life does'nt revolve around someone but starts and ends with me. If I can't treat myself with respect no one will. Abusers smell low self esteem and are drawn to it like sharks are drawn to blood in the water. I you don't have your legs firmly secure and your wits about you and are not desperately seeking hungering for...
This helps me a lot as I try to make my way back to my parents from a drinking abusive husband thank you love wishing you the very best wishes forevermore too my love 🙏😘💗👍🤗🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I have used that method before, changing my view of the abuser consciously but not dwelling on it. I kept it simple, "he's ugly, ew" and have myself feel repulsed lol. It worked well with moving on quick. Broke the cycle and i had no ill will towards him after, wished him the best when he came back around
Writing out a list of the abuser's top 5 bad qualities. Keep the list with you. When you have a 'good' thought, or you miss the person, pull out the list and read it. Also list the top 5 most hurtful things he or she did to you...especially the Last Straw....the reason for the last break up. ie, 1. Alcoholic 2. Forgets/Denies everything 3. Hurts me repeatedly 4. Emotionally Dysfunctional 5. Not that great of a 'catch' (that one from a friend, to remind me I can do better) etc etc etc.
Great advice.... going through this now with a physically emotionally abusive man who cheats and uses drugs, I so desperately want out but have been feeling trapped emotionally I keep telling myself that the first six years of our relationship was amazing it was great for the most part no one is perfect but then he started working a new job and started abusing drugs and started cheating on me with online dating sites and porn you name it he was doing it right there as I slept. Once I started to catch on to the bull crap he would flip the tables and put the blame on me he would become irate and very angry sometimes to the point of physically putting his hands on me in ways I don’t even want to repeat, yet still I stay but I so desperately want out so subconsciously I have been keeping record of all the bad he has done I am really trying to reprogram my brain to remember every time he hurt me so that I can no longer love him now I just wish I could move the fuck on but it’s easier said then done I just pray I get out ASAP?
Imagine what it will be like in one year, gradually getting worse... beating you down each day that little bit more (physically and emotionally). Now imagine three years of it... what you'll look like, what you'll be saying to yourself... how worse-off you'll be :-O The time is NOW. It will only get worse. e-mail me if you want: will@youdeservetobehappy.co.uk
We're the same. My ex was verbally, emotionally, physically abusive, and uses drugs. (marijuana) He screams, yells, curses at me when he's pissed off. Then he started the physical, he pulled my hair, strangled me 4x, punches me on the arm, threw things on me that I get big bruises. I gave him many chances. He said he won't do it again. He said he will change. But it never happened. It became worse. I tolerated it for 2 years. The worst thing he did was he punched me in the head that I got a headache the next day. That was it. That's his last chance. I packed my bags, left, and blocked him in my social media and never looked back again..
Really sorry for your suffering...yet well done you. The kids will learn self-esteem from you...so by building yours, you will be showing them the way forward...and that is such a gift. Well done you!
It can be so difficult - yet I feel essential self-work. And your son will benefit in the long run (in my opinion). I have a free course on my website: thewillperryway.com Hope it helps
Good advice.... needed to answer a debate in my head. Helpful and insightful. Thanks for making a difference. Good advice and useful. was contemplating a life changing decision to let go of an abuser. The last sentence "do not be a victim" helped a lot. Cheers
I am heartbroken and totally devastated. ..I feel so crazy...my abuser never cheated on me because he was too obsessed with me I suppose...but he would call me names...break my stuff....spit in my face....then he would cry continually for days...begging me to take him back....he actually tried to hang himself...it was very traumatizing....I loved him so much .. I kicked him out a month ago.....he still texts me and says he is " a work in progress" and needs "fine tuning"...that he doesn't mean to hurt me...cries....and begs...says she is at fault...it is so hard but I realized my daughter could think this behavior was okay...
I meant he says he is 100% at fault...he takes full responsibility...says he needs medicine and needs psychotherapy..but he has no insurance and no car...what a great guy I picked....
I just love this.. I have had a great relationship at one time sadly he passed away.. since have had emotionally abusive relationship.. saw it didnt want to admit it.. thought I was smarter and had moved beyond that until now, been out for some time, holding on to the good times with my current husband has set me back, the bad times were more so than good. Please keep these coming they are helping me and I'v shared as many as I can Thanks Again Missy
I have just dumped my abusive boyfriend tonight. Feeling quite sick and sad. Had to do it though. Would sooner be single than feel as worthless as he made me feel. Thankyou for this vid.
He is still insisting to get me back, spoke in suicide and in having a heart attack and that would be my fault. I'm so soft heartened and still said if we could talk and solve the big issues on our relationship i maybe would think. I knew his answer already, a picture of himself. Thank God i'm never falling for this again.
yep 100% that's what i ended up doing too. When I realized he had been willfully gaslighting me for many years the love left me as i saw him for what he was, entitled and cruel. I was dependant financially too - i felt now that i could seeeee I would rather starve to death in a gutter then be around this gaslighting. I didnt starve i did really well! all my energy went into surviving and now thriving.
I drew an angry person in a picture and called him 'Mr Hyde' and wrote 'don't fool yourself into thinking he doesn't exist'. I write all the horrible things he done to me as speech bubbles and all the negative things about him. Put on bedside table.
@@WillPerryAbuseCoach I feel I see him as more human acknowledging his negative traits. I kept perceiving them as all perfect when they're not. not blaming myself for how he treated me is still a challenging progress and I guess he wants me to feel bad about myself, frustrating I'm allowing myself to do it. He is an immature bully.
you just helped me so much, i bet you get that a lot, but its been awful for me and youre a very down to earth honest voice of reason that just gets it to the point and im throwing in my two cents saying thank you :)
im in a twenty year marriage about 18 of them have been abusive more mental gaslighting then love bombing then the silent treatment wich i love because i cant say anything wrong when you finaly wake up and expose these narsistic husbunds/wifes/partners fir what they are you feel so alone ive 2 very close friends that are helping me stay strong i hope to get away in the future im 52 so please dont loose hope and stay strong namaste x
The crazy part of my abuser is that he truly believes that he is the one being abused when he constantly belittles me under his breath ALL THE TIME. But when I try to approach the subject he implements gaslighting to try and manipulate me into thinking that perhaps I am over reacting and what not. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a very great and capable memory and that I need to ignore him. When I ignore it he gets upset and says that I'm abusing. But I refuse to be stupid or ugly etc.... I'm just fed up.
Wow...thank you SO MUCH I do this...and it's only through people like YOU that I know it's worth it...really know...thank you x P.S. And thank you for helping spread the word by sharing this on Social Media!
Wow...OK...each to their own. I am sorry for your suffering and congratulate you on your strength and courage. There is a big distinction for me between confidence and self-esteem. I talk of self-esteem, not confidence. Love addiction and Abandonment issues are well documented and very familiar in cases of abuse. If you have escaped abuse, that is brilliant. Yet I feel there is more... “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” Gautama Buddha
Thank you, this is so helpful. I'm trying to let go of a non abuser, when I say non abuser it wasn't deliberate abuse, but he gaslighted me, don't think he realised it was abusive and damaging to me.
I've the opposite "problem", I've become so emotional numb towards the person that it kinda scares me. It's a level of emotional disconnection I've never experienced before and I'm sure it'll take a long time to heal from itself.
@@WillPerryAbuseCoach Very much for many years. I still find it difficult to use that word towards said person though. Which I suppose stems from how much abusers reject and go off at being called half the stuff they call others. So unfortunately I still care about what "Ge" thinks and I hope I can someday get past that. I hope I can finally say that I've been abused by Ge without such hesitation. Ge also has a "golden" person or more who I'm also coming to terms with disconnecting from too.
Will, thank you for sharing this piece with us. That is currently my biggest issue: how to let go of the love I have for the man I let go of so recently. It does tork with my self-concept to "stop loving" someone! I am working on me now, my self-love so that I can regain and heal the deep wounds that were easily hooked by narcissists who came into my life. Being a Giver and Lover ( a la Rumi, if you will), being vulnerability to a narcissist is highly likely without healing what wants to be healed and moving into a new vibration of relationships. I prize Kindness and Gentleness in myself and yet accepted an increasing unkindness and harshness, it seems that is how narcissists work a relationship. Thank you for your personal sharing and guidance from your personal experience.
They gaslit me, lied, one sided love, begged me to stay, later said we were nothing at all and claimed I manipulated them… I just blocked them an hour ago and at first it was rewarding but now I feel horrible…
So I live with an abusive mother. She's a narc. I've been looking for a vid like this. I'm trying to escape, and learning how to let go of her hate and abuse may really help. Thank you for this.
It helped me instantly as you were speaking because it makes perfect sense and further allows in ourselves the loosening of that stupid grip, which has been a subconscious habitual pattern of mind. Thank you Sir:)
what do i do if thinking of the negative memories and all the abusive times make me even more upset, sad and angry? angry and upset even at myself that i let that happen... and angry at him that he did this to me when i tried doing everything for him? what if thinking the negative thoughts dont make me let go of thinking of him either? how do i just stop thinking about him all together?
My best friend is going through this right now and hates my guts for trying to make her see the truth. Shes shut off every single one of her friends for trying to talk sense in to her and now she only spends time with her abusive boyfriend and no one else. How do you help someone who doesn't want help but clearly needs it?
+bulbonius It's so difficult to watch. Part of abuse is the isolation...just let them know you are there for them and if they want to talk at any point, you are all ears and won't judge
I know the video is a bit older, but it really helped today. I'm in an extremely emotional abusive relationship at the moment but I don't have the power to walk away. I will start trying what you said. Thank you.
Lots of ways to help you. And, ironically, it takes more power to stay than leave, you just don't realise it yet. This FREE Programme should help you understand what's going on better: www.udemy.com/emotional-abuse-understanding-what-it-is
Eeeek! Well done you for being a stand for your kids...I represented myself in court and got what I wanted...it's tough...yet worth it...well done! x P.S. Keep me informed!
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
the thing that annoys me the most is this "silent treatment" label. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I was constantly shut down for having an opinion and was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I clammed up around them. I was accused of giving the silent treatment but the fact is I was scared that the next thing I say will cause an argument.
Isn't it great how they manage to turn everything into your fault. That's a great example of 'walking on eggshells' Hope things have improved for you now, as you say it in a past tense :-)
Will Perry don't get me started on walking on eggshells. I could be doing something as simple as making toast and I would have to explain my actions. I would love to say I'm doing well but everything hit me like ptsd... I reached out for therapy cause I want to move on and be happy.
Have you seen my new on-line Programme? Lots there for you...and lots more free videos on my RUclips Channel. You can be Happy
Will Perry i'm subscribing right now. Thank you.
:-)
He is 100% on point. I missed my wife and wanted her back. Then a friend said “when you miss her, think of the bad way she treated you.” I never missed her again!
I am going to try this
bro that is the fairytale version idk how anybody could actually love somebody and have it be that easy.. my ex and i believe me each other to be soul mates for 5 years with kids involved and letting go of her in my heart has been the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. remembering the bad doesn’t do anything to help. nobody is perfect at the end of the day.
The abuser can actually kill any and all love you ever felt for them......a person can only take so much....
That's right. "A person can only take so much."
If you deserve better and the pattern hasn't stopped...MOVE ON, MOVE ON.
Don't stay out of pride or bcs of what others think or out of fear of loneliness.
Yet the mindset of a Victim is to 'try harder' which, while being a wonderful value of giving, is sadly wasted on an Abuser. To be able to leave you first need to see things how they are. Change your perspective - all covered in my new FREE on-line Programme
Yes, Will. A therapist once said, "You fell in love w/ who you thought they were/who they pretended to be not who they really are." Staying is "beating a dead horse" and it only gets worse. You want a PARTNER & NOT a project.
Yes, especially given they would be a project you could never 'complete!'
:D Right?! Thank you for your good works Will.
The worst part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship (as I am in one right now) is that the person covers up their actions with false apology and regret, then hurts you over and over and somehow blames you for not doing things "right" as justification. Thanks for this video I'm slowly coming to terms with myself and making up my mind as I seek help from others who know me personally and know my boyfriend personally.
I’m going through this, I’m finally leaving soon, thank you god❤You lent me the strength I needed to face reality.
Being in an abusive relationship literally feels like an anchor is pulling you down and you can’t swim to the surface no matter how hard your trying to break free. You are suffocating slowly, desperately trying to swim to the top.
Perfect analogy it's like they sucked all the air out of you an you can't even float no more never mind swim 😂
That's a good analogy Haley, I'll use that if it's OK!
Yes, I give people air and help them break the chain! 🥰🙏
Completely
There is a pattern. He will start fights that end with you groveling to him, bending for him when he has the problem! Even if you went to him with problems, he will be defensive and controlling. I'm trying my best to learn to trust people after three years of this and physical.
Soulfound123 As you build your self-esteem you build trust...in yourself!
Thank you. I am much happier with myself now. It was a rocky start but I surrounded myself my friends that support me through everything. I still have issues with the idea of love and fear of being a situation similar but i'm slowly healing from that. Thank you again.
Yup
Gosh it is like all abusers are Cut from the same cloth. You have a problem they push you speak out then somehow they twist it and it ends with you on the wrong side. My mum was sick, it troubled my spirit I was so low and just had silent episode the next thing I know I was the villain that I was cheating that is why I am withdrawn. And still went ahead to abuse my mother and brother whore
Going through this right now. My boyfriend has never put his hands on me , but he's a liar, a drug addict and has cheated on me. He is not emotionally available, yet I'm finding it so hard to walk away. I have never been in any kind of an abusive relationship before. l feel like the biggest idiot on earth for still loving him
Don't feel trapped they make u feel not good enough to move on or find someone else. But you can let go. Do it for yourself it will only get worse not better. And cheatting hurts the most cause u sit and question "what am i doing wrong" the answer is nothing. He is the one making bad decisions and hes the one who feels like he has control over u and your emotions. Leave before you get hurt it mentally scars you. I was in your shoes for 5 years you can let it go, just be selfish and think about yourself. I hope you escape the abuse best of luck and stay strong
Sara Bower same here, he never hit me, but he hurts me, lies, brakes his promises and takes all my money. That's emotional abuse. I am ready to leave.
+Sara Bower You can do this Sara. Look at Melanie Tonia Evans website for some valuable information and education on healing from narcissistic abuse. That is where I am finding my own relief and journey to healing. Working on yourself and not focusing on the narcissist is the key, Sara. They use us for their "supply"...stop supplying your boyfriend, start looking at your beautiful self and giving yourself the attention to heal parts of yourself that a narcissist hooks into in the most subtle and charming ways to begin with and then the devastation ensues. Loving a narcissist is very addictive; it's part of the package, Sara. Don't beat yourself up over loving him, be kind to yourself and seek support to let go and to tell yourself the truth and others what is really going on. Sending you love and light for your way out and up into your own life journey
+Sara Bower I was in the same situation as you, but I'm a guy and my abuser was my ex-girlfriend. It's tiresome but moving on will benefit you in the long run.
Sara Bower yeah that's abuse. Some abusers know it and others do not know it.
Don't remember the person you *thought* you fell in love with. That person never existed. See the abuser for what s/he is. Remember all the ways this person treated you like complete garbage. When you start to miss that person, recall all the ways they shit on you. THAT'S the real person.
Absolutely 💯
Facts
❤❤❤
Verbal abuse, gaslighting, one sided love, silent treatment and being left out and blocked on social media is hard to get over. Especially when you care and they don’t.
Yes, you need to learn how to let go - you can do it
Im going through the same thing. My abuser was lying to me and emotionally torturing me for 2 years. She lied to me about really horrible things to keep me down. She told me a lot of her close friends died early, she told me she had tumors multiple times, and she told me she was raped. All of these were lies
@@Shriggins1 wow sorry about that. It seems she said that to get your pity
going through the same thing. I was with my abuser for 2 years, it was all a lie.
It breaks you. 💔
@@WillPerryAbuseCoach If you are married and engaged, then you are inaccurate.
Great tip. After my last marriage, I learned a new way of love. I no longer give myself completely to the other person, i'm aware and now in control of my life , my emotions, my decision.
It is stupid to feel pain and sorrow for someone who is not worth it. And i did that a few times and waisted so may years of my life living this way. At age 38 i said "no more" i kept my word and very proud for making that decion at that age and not 80 years old. Drive ur bus, don't let anyone drive it for u👍
Wow
Awesome point Patricia thank you!!
And I want to say thank you to all the ladies who commented below. And ironically we are not alone, we deserve better, we are worth MORE. I know leaving him today has to be the last time. I choose ME again. And I don’t know any of you but I love you all! And just think if we could love the wrong person this much just imagine what it will feel like when it’s not abusive and reciprocated.♥️
Ah Ashlynn - love this comment! Sorry to take so long to respond. Love that the comments have helped you so much
We invest so much, we find the loss almost impossible because we gave of ourselves. Not only our resources. A kind of identity crisis is what I'm experiencing. What a twisted game.
That’s absolutely it! We are in an identity crisis, because we often attach ourselves to others feeling that they ‘complete’ us in a way, yet what we really need to do is find that calm and completeness within ourselves 🥰🙏
i just need to get away from it all.
Yes!!
Paolo Galan I’m having this exact feeling rn
ME TOO!! 😭
I deal with that during my daily life with random strangers
I hope you do💕 and that you find all that love you’ve craved and give it to yourself.
The one thing that strikes me over and over again, is why do I feel so sad for him not being able to express love in a healthy way. After everything he did to me, all the verbal and sometimes physical abuse and I still feel so bad for this guy. I'm sad about how things turned out, sometimes I even miss him. Some moments I'm so angry about everything and mostly angry about the fact that he decided I can't see our dog, he took her and because of this he took a great piece of me too. I asked him once, when he was in a calm mood, if you say you love me then why do you treat me the way you do? He came up with a weird answer about him wanting the best for me and getting angry/frustrated when things were not perfect. I never asked for things to be perfect, I just wanted him to be calm and enjoy life and the little moments. But he was/is not capable of doing so. I can't change the way he sees the world or how he thinks about certain things. The hard part about this is that there's no way of talking sense into him, simply because he's not able to understand empathy like "normal" humans do. There are a million things I want to say to him, but I know there's no use... I just have to let go, and we all know that's easier said then done, unfortunately. And let's be clear, anger is never the answer.
Ex was always angry.
Detaching emotionally from this narc abuser...and gaining wisdom and saving for my future exit
Good luck to you, Lily! I know it's not easy during covid.
Be in touch with your domestic violence shelters for planning your Escape and techniques for keeping yourself as safe as possible. Knowledge is power!
why is it so difficult for abusers to stop? if they claim they love you and over and over and over.. they are never going to do it again.. yet they keep going.. why is it so hard for an abusive person to just stop being abusive? granted i know those who are abused tend to abuse but are there no cases where abusive people who have been abusive for 15 plus years to ever stop? or are they doomed to be this type of person forever? and if someone wants to change what are the REAL steps to getting there?
nobody is really doomed to act one way or another, while I can understand the mentality of a person who abuses as their only way to communicate their feelings, it is not progressive and it is not the only way to do things. An abuser must see a reason to stop, if they see no reason to stop abusing someone they will continue to do so. An abuser does not have compassion towards those they abuse, most likely every abuser has had a childhood of abuse and they simply were not taught how to behave normally, a broken heart will lash out at those they hold closest, even if they themselves cant admit to the pain of their past. That being said, NOBODY but the abuser themselves can change themselves. It is not a womans responsibility to be their mother, and if you wish to help an abuser, be absolutely sure of your convictions to STOP the abuse because otherwise they will continue to do so and learn nothing, even if that means putting them in jail.
katie L Modern cognitive science disagrees with your opinion.
which is....
The way we act is regulated by structures in the brain. For example, if the CG 25 area is underdeveloped, chronic depression will occur. Check out Cog Sci at UCSD (where I go), we have the best cog sci program in the United States. Determinism is a fact.
well , that may be true. But then again, by that belief we have no free will, and maybe we don't. Maybe we are only robots responding to our brain chemistry. I prefer to believe that we have the freedom to choose. Also, one must look at the origins of these abnormalities to change them. If one doesn't understand how these changes in brain came about, then we cannot fix them. Most abusers came from abused families. That could be genetic, but I believe we have the ability to change ourselves.
you have no idea how helpful this was. i feel so worthless and empty. i almost just want him back because i’m so so hurt and upset i have no idea what to do because that was who i always ran to. but in reality he is the cause of this, it’s so hard. thank you.
I left yesterday. I was so in love with them and it hurts so much. I just knew that I couldn’t keep improving my life with them in the picture
How are you doing now
I hope you're doing better now ♥
He continuously reminded me that he was better than me. I opened up to him about being bullied, and not having friends and he used THAT to shut me down in in our arguments. He insulted me, brought my insecurities, and hurt me by making me feel horrible. He then said that I was selfish even if I did a bunch of shit for him. He was never grateful. He was defensive and believed my toxic best friend when she lied abt me all the time.
You can STOP this abuse and take your POWER back - it's so worth investing in YOU ❤️🙏
My husband is out of the house due that he was running to get a gun to shoot me my son stopped him and he hurt him. That gives me the strength FINALLY to keep him at bay. It's been 4 days now and he is sleeping in his car in below zero weather and now I'm feeling sorry for him after all the shit he has done for me. I have been thinking of all the bad it does help. But I hate how I feel sorry for people. I'm a caregiver for all. Please help me stay strong... We have been together for 24 years
He was going to kill you. You're lucky to be alive. You're lucky your son didn't get shot. You should press charges. That is the only way he will get help. 1. He will get out of the freezing weather. 2. He will be court ordered to get aid in an abuser's group-with an 80% chance of success. 3. He will go to jail where you will be safe and he will have a consequence for his actions.
+Nic Nicolette
How is your situation now Nic?
How are u now ? And I feel your pain I’m madly in love with my fiancé but unfortunately he’s been physically abusive as well and I just can’t leave. I just can’t
the fact that I still love him even though he’s so emotionally abusive just pisses me off. And I know if he asks to see me I’d see him straight away
I missed this comment - sorry... how is that now, has time healed?
You hit the nail right on the head. 25 years in emotionally and physically abusive relationship & marriage. "flip those pictures around" This is very helpful, hard, but helpful.
Keep at it, you CAN master this and control your own destiny
I feel like i got use to the verbal abuse from my past to the point where now i feel like i cant identify it.
I agree
YES!!!!
I just ended a long time relationship that was emotionally and at times physically abusive. Watching your videos help me have hope that I can overcome all the pain I feel leaving him and how I can get over him. I constantly have this battle of good/bad memories and get guilty only thinking of the bad memories. But you helped show that in time I can use those good memories but during the letting go process it's ok to think and use the bad memories as a sled motivator to stay away! Your voice is so calming and your relaxed manner just calms me. Just wanted to say thank you for making these videos and please continue them!
Thank you for your wonderful feedback Angela and I'm so glad that these videos have helped you. Have a look at my FREE Programme too: www.udemy.com/emotional-abuse-understanding-what-it-is
A Cf one year passed since you've written this but I still find it brave that you opened up! I left my emotionally and also at times physically abusive husband yesterday after he had lost all control over himself and I thought he was going to kill me. I am going through the same battle and it's very painful. How are you doing now?
This is so true, I used to feel so terrible about standing up for myself, I felt bad about telling the truth.
I am finally done for the last time when a woman can just give themselves permission to beat you for no reason, just because they know i wont lay my hands on a woman.
I realize how sick it is for anyone to live like that,
and i am done.
Thanks for the affirmation and subscribed.
Glad you escaped and realised your worth - hope you're doing OK now
You ok now.. I got rid of sick narcisstic ex. Yes abuse verbal is as bad as physical. They get worse.. I'm mad I was with him two yr
Found this years ago when I needed to watch it twice a day. Then I needed it once a day and then on occasion. Now I come as a reminder and share with others.
Ah, what a lovely comment! Thank you and so glad it's served you so well 🙏🥰
Thank you for this video. Exactly what i needed. I've had a habit of blocking out negative memories and making excuses. Will make a list to remind myself why I should avoid that person
Thank you . I needed to see this. Trying to get out of my situation.
Katie Hancock, you are too pretty to be with a narc 😈!
I am 30. I got with my ex when I was 21, he was 20. Our relationship from the get go was marked with craziness and a ton of sex. Through the years, our relationship was plagued with emotional, psychological and physical abuse. There were great times in there, too, but many instances of volatility and extreme emotional highs and lows. Many times I felt abandoned, rejected, hurt, disappointed, worthless and was completely consumed by my relationship. I had terrible anxiety and I'm pretty sure PTSD. I felt as if I was nothing without it or him. I totally lost myself, my identity and was extremely sad and unhappy. After we had our child, I put my foot down and broke up with him, twice, but i always went back. It felt like a drug, the constant highs and lows. I knew he was bad for me, but I didnt know how to let go. Our daughter is now 3 and even though I know hes a shitty person, to me at least, I find myself forgiving his actions because I'm empathetic, forgiving and I see him as a wounded, immature child who just needs love. I guess in a way I feel like I can fix him. Hes on drugs, he lies, never keeps his word and I just found out what a trauma bond is. It's what we have. When I first broke up with him, I felt so empowered, liberated and free. I'm hoping to kick him out if my life for good, but it's difficult, because we have a child together.
Even more important to separate BECAUSE you have a child. How are you doing now?
It's ALWAYS about low self-esteem, though they might not identify it as such...because perhaps they have high confidence (externally projected).
Thanks for your comment!
x
I would just like to say that not everyone finds love in an intimate partnership. Expecting that will happen is a bit fairytaleish and can add to disappointment. Letting go of a bad relationship makes room for a good one with oneself.
I really appreciate this video so very much. Figuring out how to let go of someone I love very much but who hurts me so badly has been the real challenge of my relationship. Bless you, Will. I take it for an auspicious sign that this video was posted on my anniversary.
This video was 9 years ago. 4 years ago I met my abuser and after 3 years of our relationship I’m still struggling even after it’s ended. It’s definitely the love for this person which makes it so hard. Hoping they’ll change or denying the treatment and words. More and more I’m seeing the pattern and I’m absolutely heartbroken 😔 Thank you for posting this video 🤍
Being stuck with that LOVE is part of low self-esteem... you CAN overcome that and get your POWER back... it's so worth the investment in YOU ❤️🙏
I know it very clearly that he is and everyone tells me it but why won’t I listen why do I keep taking it I don’t understand why I do ..
I's all linked to your beliefs about yourself Elvira, let me know if this makes a little more sense: www.thewillperryway.com/pathway-coaching-for-relationships
I dont love him anymore just no budget to runaway
At least you can do things to build that - and it's in YOUR control
Yes..my revenge of being abuse by him is no touching forever lol! Im just fucos to my crafts by now making home decor so i forgot my prob..:)
Great strategy. The next level is to let go of that negative emotion - revenge! Then you're really free. But perhaps that's just your turn-of-phrase too :-)
Same here, I wish I could escape.
Financial independence is essential.
Which is why parents should encourage all their children(especially girls) to seek higher education and have a lucrative career.
Thank you for creating this video. It's 9 years old and I can't imagine the effect it possibly has had on viewers. I just got out of an abusive relationship and I'm not sure who I can talk to about it but these videos help
Thank you - I'm still working in this area, learning from my own mistakes 🥰 www.thewillperryway.com/home
Thank you for this video I've tried to pray the evil intentions away I was told years ago that my husband had narcissistic trait's I never believed them until I watched Him play me as a game for 2 years while making me look like one. He has God now so I hope he figures himself out so he doesn't continue to hurt people 18 year's and I'm convinced He never loved me or knew how to. I look forward to a balanced marriage someday if God allows. Thank you for your information it's helping me realize what's more important. God Bless you
I see the full pattern but I still love her....
I just can't agree to this anymore.
I'm glad she went too far, and the pain got too great, otherwise I would have stayed in this miserable relationship forever.
I'm trying to remember the abuse, but I forget too easily...
I'm really lucky that she still reminds me every chance she gets.
yes, remember the abuse but dont live in it. its a driving factor to ending the relationship, but it is also a very torturous experience to stay in that frame of mind for too long because you constantly relive the emotional turmoil. i think its easier to not think about either, allow the emotional waves to pass over you and to realise they wont EVER change :D
I thank you so much but thinking about the bad things he have done n said is like torturing..whenever I remember these things I can literally feel my heart aching.. this is too painful for me..
My on-line Programme 'Overcoming Emotional Abuse' deals with just this. It makes perfect sense does it not, that if you keep thinking about the bad things, you'll keep feeling the pain. So changing the focus of WHAT you're focusing on in your mind is so important. Currently have an offer of over 75% discount on this Programme, down from £95 to just £23 - go and look at the overview and the content previews: www.udemy.com/overcoming-emotional-abuse/?couponCode=NOVEMBER
This in my opinion is the MOST important video ever made on the topic
Haha...wow, thank you for saying Tiffany - hope you're doing OK
You empowered you...and I'm glad I was a catalyst to that - well done you!!!
And I wish you all the happiness you can stand too!
x
I never thought of giving myself permission to remember the awful things to let go. The problem I'm finding with that is, that I get SO angry I can hardly stand it. Any suggestions when you hit that phase?
organysntracey1 I could help with specific Skype Coaching: will.perry@changingpost.co.uk
It would help to detach from the emotions, to just observe rather than feel...to then be able to let go (not forget but let go of the attachment to those feelings
Forgiveness is the key. No one deserves forgiveness, but giving it gives us the power to be free.
Thank you so much for sending me this message i was in an abusive relationshop myself and i could never let go and once i relized how bad it was i got the guts to say goodbye it was upseting but im stayin strong now :)
Thanks very much for your comment to my statement, appreciate it. Love your vids.
I tend to emphasize the brighter side of life in all things, and see the positive more than the negative. But in coming to realize I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, after several months of no contact, looking more introspectively at the toxcicity in the relationship is a great idea. Turn the light on, and take off the rose colored glasses.
taylor j,you are too precious 🌹🌹🌷 to be with a narc 😈!
Will perry, thank you so very much for sending my soul this message. I have been struggling with the parts of my abuser that I love and it has been killing me inside and out. 3 years of wanting to run and feeling like a prisoner! I was recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis which has continued to worsen due to my internal battle. I know now that I can let go! Your message has saved my life as I was on a path of destruction. Your truly a blessing to many. Thank you!
I appreciated what you said about letting go and forgiveness. As a 'victim' almost 48 years old, it's still seems to be drilled into my head that if you let go of an abuser, you haven't forgiven. So victims are programmed to tolerate the abuse(r) in order to prove their ability to love and forgive, in spite of what's happening. When letting go of my abuser, I am then told I am guilty of rejecting them, as though I'm the abuser! Abusers are excellent at projecting. No more toxicity for me.
The music in the background is distracting!
Sorry - old video, I don't do that any more!
I went through emotional and physical abuse and after gotten punched in the face with a fist and gotten hit with a slamming door, I left without having said a word. I often said I'd be done but always kept returning or taking him back whenever he returned. But yesterday after repeated physical attack I was done and able to leave without having to say it. I just did it .. but it is very very hard to get over the person you loved the most and would have done anything for. And often you blame yourself. It is very important to understand our own value, men and women, whoever does or did this to you, DOES NOT LOVE YOU! They are attached to you, they want to keep you, to possess you, but that is NOT Love. Let go and learn to respect yourself so that you won't ever let anyone abusive enter your life anymore. Take the time healing yourself and gaining self respect and appreciation. Once you learn loving yourself, you won't attract such people ever again because you'll never give anyone power over you again. Much love to all of you :)
So sorry you had to experience this, yet YES - you are so right. You are a SURVIVOR
Great technique. Thank you!
Rasili 0'Connor,you look stunning!🌹🌹🌷
Bless You for your insight and encouragement...You are opening the eyes of SOOOOO many hurting people who need to heal and that is an awesome blessing!!!!!!
I'm gonna post this in a forum I visit regularly on abuse! I've been giving out the same advice (based on my own experience of letting go of my abusive ex) so thanks for this vid xxx
Karen B, you are too beautiful to be with a narc 😈!
I'm scared because I feel like I will never tire of the abuse. I had a traumatic childhood into my teens and adulthood so abuse, is, normal. I don't like the abuse. I know it's not right. But i dont know any different so it's just like any other day.
Hi Heather, yes you're absolutely right - that's what makes it so difficult to believe you could make a change... but you can. See if this makes sense: www.thewillperryway.com/pathway-coaching-for-relationships
I made up my mind that I don't have to settle for being treated like garbage. In time I came to really appreciate the person I truly am and to treat myself much better. My life does'nt revolve around someone but starts and ends with me. If I can't treat myself with respect no one will. Abusers smell low self esteem and are drawn to it like sharks are drawn to blood in the water. I you don't have your legs firmly secure and your wits about you and are not desperately seeking hungering for...
This helps me a lot as I try to make my way back to my parents from a drinking abusive husband thank you love wishing you the very best wishes forevermore too my love 🙏😘💗👍🤗🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I have used that method before, changing my view of the abuser consciously but not dwelling on it. I kept it simple, "he's ugly, ew" and have myself feel repulsed lol. It worked well with moving on quick. Broke the cycle and i had no ill will towards him after, wished him the best when he came back around
Awesome, well done 🥰🙏
Writing out a list of the abuser's top 5 bad qualities. Keep the list with you. When you have a 'good' thought, or you miss the person, pull out the list and read it.
Also list the top 5 most hurtful things he or she did to you...especially the Last Straw....the reason for the last break up.
ie,
1. Alcoholic
2. Forgets/Denies everything
3. Hurts me repeatedly
4. Emotionally Dysfunctional
5. Not that great of a 'catch' (that one from a friend, to remind me I can do better)
etc etc etc.
Great advice.... going through this now with a physically emotionally abusive man who cheats and uses drugs, I so desperately want out but have been feeling trapped emotionally I keep telling myself that the first six years of our relationship was amazing it was great for the most part no one is perfect but then he started working a new job and started abusing drugs and started cheating on me with online dating sites and porn you name it he was doing it right there as I slept. Once I started to catch on to the bull crap he would flip the tables and put the blame on me he would become irate and very angry sometimes to the point of physically putting his hands on me in ways I don’t even want to repeat, yet still I stay but I so desperately want out so subconsciously I have been keeping record of all the bad he has done I am really trying to reprogram my brain to remember every time he hurt me so that I can no longer love him now I just wish I could move the fuck on but it’s easier said then done I just pray I get out ASAP?
Imagine what it will be like in one year, gradually getting worse... beating you down each day that little bit more (physically and emotionally).
Now imagine three years of it... what you'll look like, what you'll be saying to yourself... how worse-off you'll be :-O
The time is NOW.
It will only get worse.
e-mail me if you want: will@youdeservetobehappy.co.uk
We're the same. My ex was verbally, emotionally, physically abusive, and uses drugs. (marijuana) He screams, yells, curses at me when he's pissed off. Then he started the physical, he pulled my hair, strangled me 4x, punches me on the arm, threw things on me that I get big bruises. I gave him many chances. He said he won't do it again. He said he will change. But it never happened. It became worse. I tolerated it for 2 years. The worst thing he did was he punched me in the head that I got a headache the next day. That was it. That's his last chance. I packed my bags, left, and blocked him in my social media and never looked back again..
Thank you for this video this brought me some peace.
So glad to hear
Excellent point about bringing the bad memories to the front and putting the good ones way in the grey background.... thanks a million
You're welcome
Truly Wise Words, and inlightening. the part at the end almost brought tears to my eyes. thank you for the advice.
Really sorry for your suffering...yet well done you.
The kids will learn self-esteem from you...so by building yours, you will be showing them the way forward...and that is such a gift.
Well done you!
2 years with a sociopath who got off on the abuse. life is in shambles, finding it hard to trust people.
Phil DiFatta hope things are better bro
Thx u for the video man I recently got out of abusive relationship and it's horrible what we feel
Glad it helped 🥰🙏
I want to leave. My husband is bringing my son in between the fray too. Making me feel trapped.
It can be so difficult - yet I feel essential self-work. And your son will benefit in the long run (in my opinion). I have a free course on my website: thewillperryway.com
Hope it helps
needed that for today! thank u! wow.
Leah Paauwe,hope you are not with a narc 😈!
Good advice.... needed to answer a debate in my head. Helpful and insightful. Thanks for making a difference. Good advice and useful. was contemplating a life changing decision to let go of an abuser. The last sentence "do not be a victim" helped a lot. Cheers
Thank you for giving me the insight and strength to beat this emotional abusing ex-partner of mine!
I am in court tomorrow with a Resedince case !
I am heartbroken and totally devastated. ..I feel so crazy...my abuser never cheated on me because he was too obsessed with me I suppose...but he would call me names...break my stuff....spit in my face....then he would cry continually for days...begging me to take him back....he actually tried to hang himself...it was very traumatizing....I loved him so much .. I kicked him out a month ago.....he still texts me and says he is " a work in progress" and needs "fine tuning"...that he doesn't mean to hurt me...cries....and begs...says she is at fault...it is so hard but I realized my daughter could think this behavior was okay...
I meant he says he is 100% at fault...he takes full responsibility...says he needs medicine and needs psychotherapy..but he has no insurance and no car...what a great guy I picked....
@@redheadedfreckles2 you deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
I just love this.. I have had a great relationship at one time sadly he passed away.. since have had emotionally abusive relationship.. saw it didnt want to admit it.. thought I was smarter and had moved beyond that until now, been out for some time, holding on to the good times with my current husband has set me back, the bad times were more so than good. Please keep these coming they are helping me and I'v shared as many as I can
Thanks Again
Missy
Thank you so much Missy and yes, we all need a positive balance (not the negative one you mention)
Missy Bernett,you deserve better 🙏🙏🙏
I have just dumped my abusive boyfriend tonight. Feeling quite sick and sad. Had to do it though. Would sooner be single than feel as worthless as he made me feel. Thankyou for this vid.
How are you doing now?
The thing is that unless we grow our self-esteem, we attract the same people into our lives
SAME
He is still insisting to get me back, spoke in suicide and in having a heart attack and that would be my fault. I'm so soft heartened and still said if we could talk and solve the big issues on our relationship i maybe would think. I knew his answer already, a picture of himself. Thank God i'm never falling for this again.
yep 100% that's what i ended up doing too. When I realized he had been willfully gaslighting me for many years the love left me as i saw him for what he was, entitled and cruel. I was dependant financially too - i felt now that i could seeeee I would rather starve to death in a gutter then be around this gaslighting. I didnt starve i did really well! all my energy went into surviving and now thriving.
I drew an angry person in a picture and called him 'Mr Hyde' and wrote 'don't fool yourself into thinking he doesn't exist'. I write all the horrible things he done to me as speech bubbles and all the negative things about him. Put on bedside table.
Awesome - how are you doing now? 🥰🙏
@@WillPerryAbuseCoach I feel I see him as more human acknowledging his negative traits. I kept perceiving them as all perfect when they're not. not blaming myself for how he treated me is still a challenging progress and I guess he wants me to feel bad about myself, frustrating I'm allowing myself to do it. He is an immature bully.
you just helped me so much, i bet you get that a lot, but its been awful for me and youre a very down to earth honest voice of reason that just gets it to the point and im throwing in my two cents saying thank you :)
Thank you Patricia
im in a twenty year marriage about 18 of them have been abusive more mental gaslighting then love bombing then the silent treatment wich i love because i cant say anything wrong when you finaly wake up and expose these narsistic husbunds/wifes/partners fir what they are you feel so alone ive 2 very close friends that are helping me stay strong i hope to get away in the future im 52 so please dont loose hope and stay strong namaste x
Life is SO MUCH better when you GROW your self esteem and are strong enough to NEVER be a victim again x
And that's growing thank you and bless you for sharing 😆
The crazy part of my abuser is that he truly believes that he is the one being abused when he constantly belittles me under his breath ALL THE TIME. But when I try to approach the subject he implements gaslighting to try and manipulate me into thinking that perhaps I am over reacting and what not. I have to keep reminding myself that I have a very great and capable memory and that I need to ignore him. When I ignore it he gets upset and says that I'm abusing. But I refuse to be stupid or ugly etc.... I'm just fed up.
Wow...thank you SO MUCH
I do this...and it's only through people like YOU that I know it's worth it...really know...thank you
x
P.S. And thank you for helping spread the word by sharing this on Social Media!
Great clip ... Thank you! :)
very good video, tysm🤍
Thank you, so welcome 🥰🙏
Wow...OK...each to their own. I am sorry for your suffering and congratulate you on your strength and courage.
There is a big distinction for me between confidence and self-esteem. I talk of self-esteem, not confidence.
Love addiction and Abandonment issues are well documented and very familiar in cases of abuse.
If you have escaped abuse, that is brilliant.
Yet I feel there is more...
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” Gautama Buddha
Thank you, this is so helpful. I'm trying to let go of a non abuser, when I say non abuser it wasn't deliberate abuse, but he gaslighted me, don't think he realised it was abusive and damaging to me.
You're welcome - they would never admit it if they did know!
Thank you so much for softening the background music! Much obliged! :)
I've the opposite "problem", I've become so emotional numb towards the person that it kinda scares me. It's a level of emotional disconnection I've never experienced before and I'm sure it'll take a long time to heal from itself.
That’s interesting too, we’re they abusive towards you?
@@WillPerryAbuseCoach Very much for many years. I still find it difficult to use that word towards said person though. Which I suppose stems from how much abusers reject and go off at being called half the stuff they call others. So unfortunately I still care about what "Ge" thinks and I hope I can someday get past that. I hope I can finally say that I've been abused by Ge without such hesitation. Ge also has a "golden" person or more who I'm also coming to terms with disconnecting from too.
Will, thank you for sharing this piece with us. That is currently my biggest issue: how to let go of the love I have for the man I let go of so recently. It does tork with my self-concept to "stop loving" someone! I am working on me now, my self-love so that I can regain and heal the deep wounds that were easily hooked by narcissists who came into my life. Being a Giver and Lover ( a la Rumi, if you will), being vulnerability to a narcissist is highly likely without healing what wants to be healed and moving into a new vibration of relationships. I prize Kindness and Gentleness in myself and yet accepted an increasing unkindness and harshness, it seems that is how narcissists work a relationship. Thank you for your personal sharing and guidance from your personal experience.
Wow, feel the passion - good on you!
Doesn't need to be cold turkey...working on the self-esteem changes everything...
But WELL DONE YOU!!!!
x
They gaslit me, lied, one sided love, begged me to stay, later said we were nothing at all and claimed I manipulated them… I just blocked them an hour ago and at first it was rewarding but now I feel horrible…
Hope you managed to stay away and you're OK
Thank you. I have been dealing with this for over 25 yrs. Thank you
Ah, it's a killer to realise - yet it's SO MUCH BETTER to have the opportunity to Change your life for GOOD - is it not?
We can't force ourselves to stop loving someone but I suppose we can escape at best
So I live with an abusive mother. She's a narc. I've been looking for a vid like this. I'm trying to escape, and learning how to let go of her hate and abuse may really help. Thank you for this.
You're welcome - how are you getting on?
It helped me instantly as you were speaking because it makes perfect sense and further allows in ourselves the loosening of that stupid grip, which has been a subconscious habitual pattern of mind. Thank you Sir:)
Good advice. Thank you.
what do i do if thinking of the negative memories and all the abusive times make me even more upset, sad and angry? angry and upset even at myself that i let that happen... and angry at him that he did this to me when i tried doing everything for him? what if thinking the negative thoughts dont make me let go of thinking of him either?
how do i just stop thinking about him all together?
My best friend is going through this right now and hates my guts for trying to make her see the truth. Shes shut off every single one of her friends for trying to talk sense in to her and now she only spends time with her abusive boyfriend and no one else. How do you help someone who doesn't want help but clearly needs it?
You keep being there for her no matter what. No matter how much time it takes. Let her know you're still there.
+Deboramajama
Lovely advice
+bulbonius
It's so difficult to watch. Part of abuse is the isolation...just let them know you are there for them and if they want to talk at any point, you are all ears and won't judge
I know the video is a bit older, but it really helped today. I'm in an extremely emotional abusive relationship at the moment but I don't have the power to walk away. I will start trying what you said. Thank you.
Lots of ways to help you. And, ironically, it takes more power to stay than leave, you just don't realise it yet. This FREE Programme should help you understand what's going on better: www.udemy.com/emotional-abuse-understanding-what-it-is
Thanks for spreading the word...and yes, you are an expert too! xxx
Needed this! Starting today for healing.
Long time ago - but how are you doing now?
I just got out of relationship with a toxic, narcissistic man & he really whittled me down and I feel lost 😔
You CAN find your POWER again... all comes down to self-esteem... and by GROWING your self-esteem you STOP attracting abusers too.
I cant take it anymore. I dont understand how I wound up here. I have noone and nowhere to turn and I dont even know where to start. It hurts so bad!!
Eeeek! Well done you for being a stand for your kids...I represented myself in court and got what I wanted...it's tough...yet worth it...well done!
x
P.S. Keep me informed!
I had to fight for my kids in court. Won . But ex trued to put against me