I was in a situationship for 9 months, hoping it would evolve into something else. Guess what, it never did. I felt so heartbroken, and although I recognise I could have left that dynamic at any time, I was still hopeful. Until one day, after being ghosted for over a month, I realised I'd had enough and decided to send one last message and delete his number. I was devastated, but I couldn't carry on making myself so miserable. Shortly after, I met someone new, and all of a sudden, things that had been nearly impossible before, like having difficult conversations, became part of the natural progression of getting to know each other. No stringing along, lots of interest, commitment, good communication, honesty from the beginning, etc. I have a really good feeling about this person, and I am excited to see where things go between us. It just goes to show that the scarcity mind forces us to stay in situations we don't deserve or feel uncomfortable with. I'm glad I was strong enough to leave and kept on looking for someone who sees my value and respects me as a human being. Don't give up yet ❤
I have been in the same situation for 10 months, I have had enough and have ended it. Thank you Matthew for that you do. I love your book Love Life , its opened my eyes.
You will never know the amount of good you have done for your life and how you have saved yourself from the heartbreak I went through. I left it 4 years and one day asked him where we were going: I didn't realise he was what is called an Anxious Avoidant personality and the day I came home from my father's funeral he abandoned me without a word. By calling him out, I had 'triggered' him to run - and he ran fast! You are so very wise to have done what you did and I hope you have a happy life with your new beau.
Ugh I absolutely can't stand that word and even more so what that means. I don't know how the world came to that where it became acceptable to string people alone, for months, years! You chose right to finally let go of the other man, he would've never given you anything normal and anything at all, it's just about using people, while you're wasting your time. I'm glad you found a complete opposite of this, wishing you two happiness and love and hopefully it will develop into something much more 🌸🌞
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. The great news is that a. This has the potential to change how you approach things from now on, and b. Because you approach things differently you have the potential to attract someone far better for you!
Be honest with yourself. He had already shown you previously that he was not going to choose you as his priority, the difference is that you only accepted reality with his marriage.
Same thing happened to me except I never saw it coming. We were engaged and he left a week before the wedding to knock up his newly hired, much younger secretary.
That happened to me, too. I was at my lowest for the longest time, so make sure not to let it pile on. But I did a lot of developing and growing without realising the last 2 years. Something that helps me, is them choosing someone else and marrying them took the possibility of them choosing me one day, off the table. Not found anyone yet, but I know that I will some day! Hope you're okay.
I was in a situationship for far too long. In the end, I told him what Matt said in one of his earlier videos, which was I needed more than he could give me, and that I had to move on and if something changed with him, to let me know and we could talk. It was hard and I still miss him but if he had kept stringing me along and dated someone else, it would have crushed me. Whatever happens, I know I did the right thing.
Scarcity mindset and fear of having a hard conversation to set your own standards and boundaries by being kind and honest with what we want….truly truly.
True - but men aren't honest either. They pretend to be confident, popular, Alpha males etc but when the sh*t hits the fan - either in your life or their own - they run for the hills because they can't cope! I have learned, via Matthew, to ask what I want not to wait for him to offer or string me along. Lesson learned the hard way. Good luck to you.
To everyone one reading the comments and thinking that having the "casual" or "not looking for serious relationship" as a shield for a fear of rejection (even you're repeating that to yourself.. ), abandon that right now!! I felt into that trap, and i hurt myself so much that i am really considering of giving up on love and just continue the persue of my goals and objectives alone ( like i've been doing for the past 5 years.. and to whose i want to have a partner with.. so i can share mine with her's.. ) Being like that not only can push the other person away, but also giving the wrong intention that you "don't care that much" because you are just trying to protect yourself for another broken heart.. we need do embrace the moment, and give ourselfs the chance of love, being clear about our intentions and having the commitment to put the effort into what we want, but also have our standards and limitations right up in front, the sense of comunication and most important, be willing to hear and take accountability, and dont settle for anything else that we deserve. To everyone living a beginning of relationship by now, put the effort, build the peak of friendship with that person, because thats the peak of love..
Thank you so much for this comment! I was recently being pushed away (after 1,5 years of dating!) by someone who said they wanted a relationship while also being afraid of commitment and closeness, so that they never actually committed internally… while asking for a lot of attention, help, emotional and actual real life support! That very disassociation in the name of “self-protection” resulted in outright emotional abusive behavior by them in order to “protect themselves” - and to test how i would respond (as i found out after the fact). When I kindly communicated my needs and boundaries (around actions and behavior not fitting their words) my needs around commitment suddenly were “too much”…. It’s the classic modern dating paradox - wanting committed relationships, while not being committed to working on our own fears, practicing the act of pushing people away (or not letting them in) will result in making the very thing we are craving impossible, inevitably causing chaos and a lot of pain. Now recovering from having put myself out there for someone who said they wanted me, but pushed me away at the same time…
@@dewalta Thank you also for your kind words, it really amazes me how people can be so hot and cold sometimes, you really need to be in a place for calmness and happy with your life to have room to let other happy person enter.. this works obviously both ways.. and in that case it seemed that the person didn't knew what she wants.. wanting a commitment and being afraid of relationship is already a red flag, becasue its asking for your exclusivity in the first place for nothing, and thats not a good sign, i can also see that you enjoyend the presence of that person in your life, thus the time and effort you have pour into it.. could this be the case that you were the only person fighting for this to turn out good? maybe.. but this for sure will reassure your standards for the next person that you will let enter in your life.. and believe it will be even better! I hope you're doing well and give yourself the value you deserve!! Love and relationship should be smooth, should bring peace, calm, should be the one you feel vulnerable with..
@@SWGTBruno the first comment was a lot about my suffering and I need to add my personal growth part around my experience: So of course I stuck around and tolerated my boundaries being overstepped based out of my own issues, which would be desperation for emotional intimacy and safety as well as putting myself second based on strong empathy and compassion for others suffering. This is something that has been chasing me for many years and I am finally addressing in therapy. While empathy and compassion is a great thing, it should never cause anyone to tolerate their boundaries being overstepped. By repeatedly engaging in over empathetic connection with people, I invited the very behavior that hurt me into my life. Only I am to be held responsible for that, as we can never change others - but we need to learn to walk away, even if we strongly feel for them. That’s a tough one for me… 🥲
@@dewaltathe common theme I see today is wanting relationship benefits , wanting the other person to commit to you without actually being in a relationship giving all the freedom to do anything while also breadcrumbing the other person... 💤
Many times " lets just see where it goes" is a means to avoid the fear and freak out that occur when you tell a person you want a relationship. I once had a man tell me he didnt want a second date because I " liked him too much" and he had other folks on his plate ( I appreciated the honesty but was confused). At the same time you meet people who have moved your relationship to something serious after one conversation ( I dont know you like that). It is challenging with a capital C.
That's why it's important to set an organic pace, which means enjoying things, but not over-investing in someone in the early stages, that way we won't resent them if they decide they don't want a relationship after all, nor will we fall for the person who tries to move things too quickly. I hope to see you on October 22nd for 'Casual to Commitment'! www.lovelifetraining.com
I 💯agree with so much of this, but no matter what, you have no idea “where it’s going to go,” when you start seeing someone new…. So it’s a problem if you stay in the “I don’t know zone” space long term, and someone’s needs change and go unexpressed and unmet.
I was in a situationship with someone for over 5/6 months, he suddenly changed when I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him after he ghosted me for a month. He ended up telling me that he wanted something casual and I was left heartbroken because at the beginning his intentions seemed those of a serious relationship. Thankfully, after some therapy too, I decided that I will not be ashamed of saying that I want a serious relationship and it's been genuinely better, I'm able to cut off so much people that are not looking for the same thing and now I'm talking to a guy who I am sure is looking for a serious relationship. Definitely worth it!
I was in a similar thing this year (still kinda am but because I keep working every day to keep him away even though he's super close in my environment) but I was glad I was clear up front and he was also clear about his intentions in words. In actions he showed other more serious intentions too at first and it's so confusing. Always speak up and clarify things, it's the best way
This really resonates with mine. A guy who made it seem he wanted a serious and meaningful relationship, exclusively with me, was seeing other women on the side. I hadn't had sex with him, but wanted to, as I was falling in love with him. He however told me (quite shockingly one day) he didn't love me nor would he ever love me, because that would be "betraying" his dead wife! This was a bombshell... devastating. I had known him 5 years. It was I who left him, because I needed to be loved and not "used" by this man. Still reeling from it because I'm having a hard time trusting someone new. It's really good that you state you want a serious relationship with your new person, that is so important, and I wish you all the best. 🙂
@@SheenaRea Thank you for sharing! I can't even fathom how someone can just string you along like that but I'm glad you stood up for yourself, sending you a big hug 🫂
I met someone in the fourth scenario that kept me at arms length due to fear of rejection. I think people like that suffer from narcissism in a way that they see us as someone to please them and God forbid we reject them that would hurt their ego. I think situationships happen because of narcissism, lack of empathy and cowardice. And it is a sign that you should walk away from these people.
That's true - but men wear masks. I had a good one for 4 years but when his creditors came to call (he owed £30k) he didn't want to own up that he'd screwed up his life and would have to return back to his wife, so he abandoned me after 4 years without a word. Men are very good actors, trust me.
@@EdelweisSusie I know - I can’t stand insincerity - I guess they are considering themselves without a care for the other person! The hurt and waste of time can ruin so much!
Thank you for making these videos, Matthew. I’ve been watching your videos for a while, through my different relationships, and it’s been a dependable guiding light. I can’t imagine how much this stuff helps other people, too.
I’m lonely so I usually just go along with the flow even though I want more. It’s tough when you are wanting more but don’t want to be alone either. Fear of rejection and feeling like I’m not enough.
You and me both. I'm not a physically attractive person so never get asked out by men so when I do find someone (usually via a classified ad in a newspaper) I'm GRATEFUL because otherwise I'd be lonely too, just like you. I've had good men in my life - it's just that they've never been there for me when I've needed them, despite me standing by their side throughout their hardships. I have made a happy life for myself now and live it to best effect every day. I'll have to be content with that.
I would rather make videos not how to chase unavailable people who do not choose you, but videos about self worth and how to finally choose yourself!!! I had been watching your videos for years and it did not change anything UNTIL ONE DAY I FINALLY CHOSE MYSELF! And now I finally live happy ever after with my partner who chooses me and I choose him!
If a man has not made you his girlfriend by 8-12 weeks, he ain’t going to. Dating with intention is a must. You start that by saying what you want by date 3. The right people will self select out.
Was with a guy who called me his gf. Told me he was falling for me. Yadayada. But actions speak louder than words. He stopped short of introducing me to his family. So I got the hint. And when I tried to talk to him to get clarity he would put me off and then tell me he needed a 'break' . We did that a few times and the last time I called it quits.
Relationships have become completely transactional. There’s always the keeping open of doors to see if a better catch might come around. The person that feels less attractive will sell themselves short and diminish even more in attractiveness. You just learn to hate people. It’s just a reflection of our worsening societal conditions in the romantic realm. And dating platforms etc. exploit people’s desperation along the way.
Yes, never, ever 'go with the flow' because the only thing that happens is you waste your life. Give a relationship, say, a year then ask The Question and if he's non-committal, move on! Plenty more fish out there - go hook yourself a good one. Good luck.
You’ve brought up a tricky aspect where people who are Buddhists and taoists try to not become attached to outcomes because that causes suffering (buddhism) and going with the natural flow of life and the living around you (Taoism). There’s an element of where your self-respect comes in and where that is in the natural flow and where the outcomes happen, if that makes sense. So where do these philosophies help us in dating, if at all?
Only a few minutes into this video and I have so much to say....first , having been a person who attracts narcissist, I have learned not to get my hopes up and adopted a We'll See attitude. Tired of getting my hopes up only to be crushed... therefore I have to stay somewhat indifferent to protect myself....not that I don't do the work and put in the effort but I don't want to get hurt. .. and it seem that I always put in more relationship-driven energy than the person I'm dating. Next you mentioned Are they dating other people, Are you dating other people....most of the men I have met want to date multiple people but expect you to only date them ....they become upset if they find out you are seeing other men but you know through various sources that they are seeing and talking to other women....what the heck is up with that
You and me both - I attract Narcs like flies to manure!!! At the end of the day, men are so false - they put on a good act to attract a mate but it's only when the sh*t hits the fan in their life that you find out about his moral compass (and then they usually abandon you because they can't cope!). I wouldn't trust any man now.
This!!!! I want to get married. The moment he told me he didn't want to get married again, was the cue to leave. I stayed, and it caused pain for the next couple of months until he finally ended it.
@@GoFbassist yeah same. He was recently divorced and I’ve been divorced for 4 years so I’m ready and he’s not - so not compatible but I was willing to give up on that idea of marriage and settle but he wanted end it anyways. Even though it was the hardest breakup of my life, looking back now he was really doing me a favor bc I would’ve stayed and I probably would become resentful and unhappy bc I settled for less than I wanted. Next time around I’m going to be up front about marriage and if they leave then that’s ok they saved me some time and hopefully less heartache.
I learned this from US talk show and radio host Steve Harvey when he was talking about his now-wife, Marjorie. Steve was a bit of a jack-the-lad and dated multiple women and met Marjorie again after many years apart, each having married and divorced other people. Marjorie was with Steve in a hotel room one night when Steve's mobile rang (it was another woman!) so Marjorie got up and made as if to leave the room, telling him that when he'd got his gallivanting ways out of his system to come find her. He broke his mobile deliberately and committed to Marjorie - because she had made commitment A REQUIREMENT. That's where I went wrong. Good luck to you for the future. We all live and learn.
My partner and I just broke up a few weeks ago and it was because of my own “seeing where it will go”. He said that he wanted a commitment and I was scared of something in the relationship that didn’t allow me to commit. I do see now his side and where I also need to work.
@@thematthewhussey Not where I live, love! They're all screwed-up, emotionally unavailable Narcissists, broke from having so many kids with different women and looking for a childless woman with her own house and money to help him pay his child support - and I'm not kidding!!! I'm out.
Wow this video is a eye opener. Going to rewatch it. I dont know where my relationship is going. I am currently pregnant and the guy isnt communicating. We only saw each other to sleep around. But never dated. When i told him i was pregnant. He told me that he needs time to figure himself out and that it will be a couple of years before he can see himself in a committed relationship. He has stopped communicating with me a month or two after i told him i am pregnant. What do i do?
I can’t entertain more than one at a time. I’m too busy and don’t feel like dealing with multiple men wanting to sleep with me and constantly getting myself out of that. So one at a time is my only option. I don’t give a shit about enough people to have to talk to more than one dude every day. That sounds like absolute hell, I’d rather not talk to any at all.
The issue here, in my oppinion, is that most of the women wants that kind of attention, and the even bigger issue is that there are men available everytime.. Im really without any energy left for dating, and tired of this generation of easyness of choose, its so easy just to swipe and find "greener grass" on the other side, that people don't put the minimum effort into anything by now, and that's just sad.. but here we are.. we need to accept it.. :)
Nothing wrong with that approach at all, it just takes discipline to not over-invest when we like someone, and to stay invested in all of the other wonderful parts of our life so that a new person doesn't occupy too much mental space before it's actually reached the point where they should be taking up that much space.
I suggest following these steps (for women who want serious relationships): 1. From the beginning! Tell everybody!! you're looking for a serious relationship (get married legally and, I suggest, in front of God (Jesschrist); have children, etc.). Tell everybody ( friends, family, co workers, possible candidates) all the time!. 2. If there's a prospect, treat him as a friend for 3-5 months. 3. He has! to ask you to be his girlfriend before those 5 months! 4. If you become bf and gf, DO NOT have sexual intercourse! And be the best gf possible. 5. If you don't get a ring or a proposal after a year (the most). Leave him!
I'm actually in the same situation right now. I've been talking to a woman for almost a year and I've asked her before where we are going. And she pretty much said she doesn't want to rush which I understand however I think 1 year of getting to know each other and video calls etc is a long time in my opinion and turns out she tells me well take it slow and see where it goes. So I'm trying to re-evaluate where I really need to put my time in if I should still pursue or slowly pull away.
One year is way more than enough for someone to know if they want a relationship with you. If you continue with a situation that is less than what you want you are putting yourself first. You have to be true to what you really want, not be what someone else needs you to be just so that you can keep them in your life. Much love ♥
Oh, you are a placeholder. Very obvious. She likes you, enough not to throw you away, but she is looking for someone else she really wants. You pursuing harder won’t change anything. It’s not because she doesn’t know what you want, is it?
@cecilang9721 so she knows what I want, and we've talked about it before about what we are. At that time of the conversation, she pretty much announced that she likes and is interested in me. It is confirmed that I am the only one she's talking to and have the intentions of working her way up to 100% to being open and honest with me about moving forward and has dropped talking to anyone else. But due to past history, she doesn't want to rush things, not knowing if it's the right one since she is getting at that age where she doesn't have long to start a family left. Since she's 37. On top of that, when the time comes well, both know and open from both sides and officially have an honest talk together before deciding that route of being more. Don't mind my grammar, but just a little more detail.
@@cecilang9721Could just be a (fearful) avoidant person, had a very similar experience but my partner is very committed at the very least so I dont have any suspicions especially with how often they make an effort to see me.
@@Oh.itzBrandon oh boy get ready to learn this suprise, people lie and they go the path that is best for them. 1 year dating and she doesn´t know if she wants you? I think it doesn´t matter what she says her actions tell the whole story. She likes you but knows she wants to find something better but since she is 37 she does want to hold you warm just in case she really doesn´t find someone else. No one needs a year, I´m sorry to be that person but I feel like you should make a decision for yourself what you want, you shouldn´t be an NPC in someone elses story waiiting for them to progress the story
I have not tried to get back out into the dating scene. It requires time, and effort. Will start looking in 2025, I am looking forward to an easy low stress no drama of the dating scene.
I was with someone for almost a year and was having feelings after 5-6 months. He started with a clear position of not wanting a relationship and after asking him if he had feelings, he admitted to have feelings, too. Still no relationship even if it had the character of one. I felt the beauty of having no pressure to commit too soon and to be sure to have feelings. Still, it is so hard now that he finally decided not to be with me anymore and he wants to find out how it is to be alone.
About the topic knowing each other and suddenly after i will saw them dating to others, my answer for that ..all of us have a freedom to choose. For me no problem if u refused me immediately without knowing me better who iam, and what kind of partner iam or what kind of woman iam.. all of us have one to be with what ever happens..lucky you if u changed your plan after im not the first choice from the beginning,and still wants to connect with me im still here willing to entertain you as long as i can..and about the rejections😊 normally that word is not from you, isnt?🤔
IMO, 'let's just see where it goes' only works in early datingwhen there is low information. As we get to know each other, after several dates, then you have more information, like how good they are to waitstaff and puppies, to guide the way forward.
Nope... I see where it goes in the beginning because I need time to feel the other person out, but I'm always upfront that I want a relationship with the right person... Then, if the commitment conversation comes up at an appropriate time and I'm interested but the other person isn't, I walk away. Still no commitment XD I laugh because I'm still struggling.
I would do the video clips without the clicking noises ❤️❤️❤️❤️ love this topic. Anyone who says we’ll see how it goes already knows it’s not going anywhere…
@thematthewhussey - been watching Matthew since I was 14 years old, 10 years later, and all I am wondering is if he aged at all somehow looks younger than when I saw his videos a decade ago
It also depends on the location. I live in London and no 1 I repeat no 1 wants a relationship. I have put a lot of intentions into finding a person who I am compatible with and also wants a family and all I ever found men who wanted casual sex. I'm 42 I find it very tiresome keep finding this kind of men. I also think London is a very toxic city where if you want a relationship and a family and make it clear people look at you how outdated you are. So I think environment where we live matters a lot.
How is it different to an AP and FA attachment dynamic doing on for 4+ yrs? We weren't casual though. But had some smaller infidelity, emotional communication & anger issues.
@@cinderellaflahertyif you don’t want to be to obvious, because that would be better-to show through your body how interested you are, you can always tell it to him like it was a dream you had, share that dream with him make it vivid and gauge his response, you can even say “what would you think if this crazy dream became true, how do you see it?”. Hope this helps!
The problem is that it's so easy for men ( and to some women) not to care. And so many won't go into therapy, esp. men. Dating is hell and also becoming increasingly dangerous.
![Jack Harlow - Hello Miss Johnson [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Q86_nlRoIGw/mqdefault.jpg)
I was in a situationship for 9 months, hoping it would evolve into something else. Guess what, it never did. I felt so heartbroken, and although I recognise I could have left that dynamic at any time, I was still hopeful. Until one day, after being ghosted for over a month, I realised I'd had enough and decided to send one last message and delete his number. I was devastated, but I couldn't carry on making myself so miserable. Shortly after, I met someone new, and all of a sudden, things that had been nearly impossible before, like having difficult conversations, became part of the natural progression of getting to know each other. No stringing along, lots of interest, commitment, good communication, honesty from the beginning, etc. I have a really good feeling about this person, and I am excited to see where things go between us. It just goes to show that the scarcity mind forces us to stay in situations we don't deserve or feel uncomfortable with. I'm glad I was strong enough to leave and kept on looking for someone who sees my value and respects me as a human being. Don't give up yet ❤
Aw I love that for you
Wow what a wonderful story
I have been in the same situation for 10 months, I have had enough and have ended it. Thank you Matthew for that you do. I love your book Love Life , its opened my eyes.
You will never know the amount of good you have done for your life and how you have saved yourself from the heartbreak I went through. I left it 4 years and one day asked him where we were going: I didn't realise he was what is called an Anxious Avoidant personality and the day I came home from my father's funeral he abandoned me without a word. By calling him out, I had 'triggered' him to run - and he ran fast! You are so very wise to have done what you did and I hope you have a happy life with your new beau.
Ugh I absolutely can't stand that word and even more so what that means. I don't know how the world came to that where it became acceptable to string people alone, for months, years! You chose right to finally let go of the other man, he would've never given you anything normal and anything at all, it's just about using people, while you're wasting your time. I'm glad you found a complete opposite of this, wishing you two happiness and love and hopefully it will develop into something much more 🌸🌞
I got strung along for years, I truly loved & supported him during his darkest moments, but then he chose to marry somebody else.
He did you a favor- deep inside you know this-- may you find true* love-♡-
I'm so sorry you had to experience that. The great news is that a. This has the potential to change how you approach things from now on, and b. Because you approach things differently you have the potential to attract someone far better for you!
Be honest with yourself. He had already shown you previously that he was not going to choose you as his priority, the difference is that you only accepted reality with his marriage.
Same thing happened to me except I never saw it coming. We were engaged and he left a week before the wedding to knock up his newly hired, much younger secretary.
That happened to me, too. I was at my lowest for the longest time, so make sure not to let it pile on. But I did a lot of developing and growing without realising the last 2 years. Something that helps me, is them choosing someone else and marrying them took the possibility of them choosing me one day, off the table. Not found anyone yet, but I know that I will some day! Hope you're okay.
I was in a situationship for far too long. In the end, I told him what Matt said in one of his earlier videos, which was I needed more than he could give me, and that I had to move on and if something changed with him, to let me know and we could talk. It was hard and I still miss him but if he had kept stringing me along and dated someone else, it would have crushed me. Whatever happens, I know I did the right thing.
I’m a spiritual counselor and I can help bring your Ex lover back within 24hrs and he or she will love you more than anything
You are so wise. Wish I had been - I could have saved myself 20 years of trauma, depression, hair loss etc. Good luck to you.
@@EdelweisSusie ❤️
Makes so much sense, investing on “see how it goes “ meanwhile someone else potentially wanting something real
Scarcity mindset and fear of having a hard conversation to set your own standards and boundaries by being kind and honest with what we want….truly truly.
♥
You won't believe how timely this message is and how I needed to hear that! Thanks a million! ❤
So glad!
Agreed. Most people dont get what they want because they are not honest. Simple as that. If you are looking for a relationship just say that
True - but men aren't honest either. They pretend to be confident, popular, Alpha males etc but when the sh*t hits the fan - either in your life or their own - they run for the hills because they can't cope! I have learned, via Matthew, to ask what I want not to wait for him to offer or string me along. Lesson learned the hard way. Good luck to you.
To everyone one reading the comments and thinking that having the "casual" or "not looking for serious relationship" as a shield for a fear of rejection (even you're repeating that to yourself.. ), abandon that right now!! I felt into that trap, and i hurt myself so much that i am really considering of giving up on love and just continue the persue of my goals and objectives alone ( like i've been doing for the past 5 years.. and to whose i want to have a partner with.. so i can share mine with her's.. )
Being like that not only can push the other person away, but also giving the wrong intention that you "don't care that much" because you are just trying to protect yourself for another broken heart..
we need do embrace the moment, and give ourselfs the chance of love, being clear about our intentions and having the commitment to put the effort into what we want, but also have our standards and limitations right up in front, the sense of comunication and most important, be willing to hear and take accountability, and dont settle for anything else that we deserve.
To everyone living a beginning of relationship by now, put the effort, build the peak of friendship with that person, because thats the peak of love..
Thank you so much for this comment! I was recently being pushed away (after 1,5 years of dating!) by someone who said they wanted a relationship while also being afraid of commitment and closeness, so that they never actually committed internally… while asking for a lot of attention, help, emotional and actual real life support! That very disassociation in the name of “self-protection” resulted in outright emotional abusive behavior by them in order to “protect themselves” - and to test how i would respond (as i found out after the fact). When I kindly communicated my needs and boundaries (around actions and behavior not fitting their words) my needs around commitment suddenly were “too much”…. It’s the classic modern dating paradox - wanting committed relationships, while not being committed to working on our own fears, practicing the act of pushing people away (or not letting them in) will result in making the very thing we are craving impossible, inevitably causing chaos and a lot of pain.
Now recovering from having put myself out there for someone who said they wanted me, but pushed me away at the same time…
@@dewalta Thank you also for your kind words, it really amazes me how people can be so hot and cold sometimes, you really need to be in a place for calmness and happy with your life to have room to let other happy person enter.. this works obviously both ways.. and in that case it seemed that the person didn't knew what she wants.. wanting a commitment and being afraid of relationship is already a red flag, becasue its asking for your exclusivity in the first place for nothing, and thats not a good sign, i can also see that you enjoyend the presence of that person in your life, thus the time and effort you have pour into it.. could this be the case that you were the only person fighting for this to turn out good? maybe.. but this for sure will reassure your standards for the next person that you will let enter in your life.. and believe it will be even better!
I hope you're doing well and give yourself the value you deserve!! Love and relationship should be smooth, should bring peace, calm, should be the one you feel vulnerable with..
@@SWGTBruno the first comment was a lot about my suffering and I need to add my personal growth part around my experience:
So of course I stuck around and tolerated my boundaries being overstepped based out of my own issues, which would be desperation for emotional intimacy and safety as well as putting myself second based on strong empathy and compassion for others suffering. This is something that has been chasing me for many years and I am finally addressing in therapy.
While empathy and compassion is a great thing, it should never cause anyone to tolerate their boundaries being overstepped.
By repeatedly engaging in over empathetic connection with people, I invited the very behavior that hurt me into my life. Only I am to be held responsible for that, as we can never change others - but we need to learn to walk away, even if we strongly feel for them. That’s a tough one for me… 🥲
@@dewaltathe common theme I see today is wanting relationship benefits , wanting the other person to commit to you without actually being in a relationship giving all the freedom to do anything while also breadcrumbing the other person... 💤
@@dewalta I am cut from a similar cloth...on same growth curve!!! Have not dated anyone for 3 years, as I want to get things right next go at it.
Many times " lets just see where it goes" is a means to avoid the fear and freak out that occur when you tell a person you want a relationship. I once had a man tell me he didnt want a second date because I " liked him too much" and he had other folks on his plate ( I appreciated the honesty but was confused). At the same time you meet people who have moved your relationship to something serious after one conversation ( I dont know you like that). It is challenging with a capital C.
That's why it's important to set an organic pace, which means enjoying things, but not over-investing in someone in the early stages, that way we won't resent them if they decide they don't want a relationship after all, nor will we fall for the person who tries to move things too quickly. I hope to see you on October 22nd for 'Casual to Commitment'! www.lovelifetraining.com
@@thematthewhussey Appreciated and signed up. Im tired of hiding.🫤
I 💯agree with so much of this, but no matter what, you have no idea “where it’s going to go,” when you start seeing someone new…. So it’s a problem if you stay in the “I don’t know zone” space long term, and someone’s needs change and go unexpressed and unmet.
I was in a situationship with someone for over 5/6 months, he suddenly changed when I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him after he ghosted me for a month. He ended up telling me that he wanted something casual and I was left heartbroken because at the beginning his intentions seemed those of a serious relationship. Thankfully, after some therapy too, I decided that I will not be ashamed of saying that I want a serious relationship and it's been genuinely better, I'm able to cut off so much people that are not looking for the same thing and now I'm talking to a guy who I am sure is looking for a serious relationship. Definitely worth it!
I was in a similar thing this year (still kinda am but because I keep working every day to keep him away even though he's super close in my environment) but I was glad I was clear up front and he was also clear about his intentions in words. In actions he showed other more serious intentions too at first and it's so confusing. Always speak up and clarify things, it's the best way
This really resonates with mine. A guy who made it seem he wanted a serious and meaningful relationship, exclusively with me, was seeing other women on the side. I hadn't had sex with him, but wanted to, as I was falling in love with him. He however told me (quite shockingly one day) he didn't love me nor would he ever love me, because that would be "betraying" his dead wife! This was a bombshell... devastating. I had known him 5 years. It was I who left him, because I needed to be loved and not "used" by this man. Still reeling from it because I'm having a hard time trusting someone new. It's really good that you state you want a serious relationship with your new person, that is so important, and I wish you all the best. 🙂
@@SheenaRea Thank you for sharing! I can't even fathom how someone can just string you along like that but I'm glad you stood up for yourself, sending you a big hug 🫂
@@lizeth8524 Thank you so much! That means a lot. ❤❤
I’m a spiritual counselor and I can help bring your Ex lover back within 24hrs and he will love you more than anything
I met someone in the fourth scenario that kept me at arms length due to fear of rejection. I think people like that suffer from narcissism in a way that they see us as someone to please them and God forbid we reject them that would hurt their ego. I think situationships happen because of narcissism, lack of empathy and cowardice. And it is a sign that you should walk away from these people.
I agree 100%
People don’t get to “learn” their prospective partners- they rush into things too quickly. One needs to learn the other’s values.
Agreed!
That's true - but men wear masks. I had a good one for 4 years but when his creditors came to call (he owed £30k) he didn't want to own up that he'd screwed up his life and would have to return back to his wife, so he abandoned me after 4 years without a word. Men are very good actors, trust me.
@@EdelweisSusie I know - I can’t stand insincerity - I guess they are considering themselves without a care for the other person! The hurt and waste of time can ruin so much!
Thank you for making these videos, Matthew. I’ve been watching your videos for a while, through my different relationships, and it’s been a dependable guiding light. I can’t imagine how much this stuff helps other people, too.
I’m lonely so I usually just go along with the flow even though I want more. It’s tough when you are wanting more but don’t want to be alone either. Fear of rejection and feeling like I’m not enough.
You and me both. I'm not a physically attractive person so never get asked out by men so when I do find someone (usually via a classified ad in a newspaper) I'm GRATEFUL because otherwise I'd be lonely too, just like you. I've had good men in my life - it's just that they've never been there for me when I've needed them, despite me standing by their side throughout their hardships. I have made a happy life for myself now and live it to best effect every day. I'll have to be content with that.
@@EdelweisSusie I’m sorry. I don’t get asked out much either it’s tough out there in the dating world.
I got rejected by a friend I developed feelings for a few days ago and this is EXACTLY what I needed thank youuu 😭🥺
I would rather make videos not how to chase unavailable people who do not choose you, but videos about self worth and how to finally choose yourself!!! I had been watching your videos for years and it did not change anything UNTIL ONE DAY I FINALLY CHOSE MYSELF! And now I finally live happy ever after with my partner who chooses me and I choose him!
If a man has not made you his girlfriend by 8-12 weeks, he ain’t going to. Dating with intention is a must. You start that by saying what you want by date 3. The right people will self select out.
Very Very true!
Was with a guy who called me his gf. Told me he was falling for me. Yadayada. But actions speak louder than words. He stopped short of introducing me to his family. So I got the hint. And when I tried to talk to him to get clarity he would put me off and then tell me he needed a 'break' . We did that a few times and the last time I called it quits.
Exactly, it's so common for people to be ashamed of their desire
Relationships have become completely transactional. There’s always the keeping open of doors to see if a better catch might come around. The person that feels less attractive will sell themselves short and diminish even more in attractiveness. You just learn to hate people. It’s just a reflection of our worsening societal conditions in the romantic realm. And dating platforms etc. exploit people’s desperation along the way.
This is very confusing because people don’t know what they want, they’re too busy trying to go with flow and that’s very dangerous too!!!
Yes, never, ever 'go with the flow' because the only thing that happens is you waste your life. Give a relationship, say, a year then ask The Question and if he's non-committal, move on! Plenty more fish out there - go hook yourself a good one. Good luck.
Yes 😢
You’ve brought up a tricky aspect where people who are Buddhists and taoists try to not become attached to outcomes because that causes suffering (buddhism) and going with the natural flow of life and the living around you (Taoism). There’s an element of where your self-respect comes in and where that is in the natural flow and where the outcomes happen, if that makes sense. So where do these philosophies help us in dating, if at all?
Only a few minutes into this video and I have so much to say....first , having been a person who attracts narcissist, I have learned not to get my hopes up and adopted a We'll See attitude. Tired of getting my hopes up only to be crushed... therefore I have to stay somewhat indifferent to protect myself....not that I don't do the work and put in the effort but I don't want to get hurt. .. and it seem that I always put in more relationship-driven energy than the person I'm dating. Next you mentioned Are they dating other people, Are you dating other people....most of the men I have met want to date multiple people but expect you to only date them ....they become upset if they find out you are seeing other men but you know through various sources that they are seeing and talking to other women....what the heck is up with that
You and me both - I attract Narcs like flies to manure!!! At the end of the day, men are so false - they put on a good act to attract a mate but it's only when the sh*t hits the fan in their life that you find out about his moral compass (and then they usually abandon you because they can't cope!). I wouldn't trust any man now.
I definitely did this by saying “I was open to marriage but it wasn’t a requirement” but that wasn’t being honest to myself or to him.
Great self awareness!
This!!!! I want to get married. The moment he told me he didn't want to get married again, was the cue to leave. I stayed, and it caused pain for the next couple of months until he finally ended it.
@@GoFbassist yeah same. He was recently divorced and I’ve been divorced for 4 years so I’m ready and he’s not - so not compatible but I was willing to give up on that idea of marriage and settle but he wanted end it anyways. Even though it was the hardest breakup of my life, looking back now he was really doing me a favor bc I would’ve stayed and I probably would become resentful and unhappy bc I settled for less than I wanted. Next time around I’m going to be up front about marriage and if they leave then that’s ok they saved me some time and hopefully less heartache.
I learned this from US talk show and radio host Steve Harvey when he was talking about his now-wife, Marjorie. Steve was a bit of a jack-the-lad and dated multiple women and met Marjorie again after many years apart, each having married and divorced other people. Marjorie was with Steve in a hotel room one night when Steve's mobile rang (it was another woman!) so Marjorie got up and made as if to leave the room, telling him that when he'd got his gallivanting ways out of his system to come find her. He broke his mobile deliberately and committed to Marjorie - because she had made commitment A REQUIREMENT. That's where I went wrong. Good luck to you for the future. We all live and learn.
That Girl is refusing to have the hard conversation.
Yes, its hard, but its the best way not to get hurt. Or to have sucess!!
My partner and I just broke up a few weeks ago and it was because of my own “seeing where it will go”. He said that he wanted a commitment and I was scared of something in the relationship that didn’t allow me to commit. I do see now his side and where I also need to work.
I've watched Matthew's videos for many years and now I've lost hopes in guys 😆
There are men out there saying that about women too! Are they right to have no hope in women? Absolutely not. There are good PEOPLE out there.
@@thematthewhussey Not where I live, love! They're all screwed-up, emotionally unavailable Narcissists, broke from having so many kids with different women and looking for a childless woman with her own house and money to help him pay his child support - and I'm not kidding!!! I'm out.
Right?? Like now my standard is way too high (given that I’m expecting someone with the same level of awareness as Matthew’s )
this format really suits me
Needed to hear this. Thank you
I was in a situation ship for 4 years. I have strong boundaries since then! Even though I’m single x
Thank you for a wonderful reminder, Matthew. Love your work and would enjoy more shorts. Greetings from Germany. 💖💫💖💫💖💫
Will work on more shorts for you! Thanks, and hi to you in Germany.
Wow this video is a eye opener. Going to rewatch it. I dont know where my relationship is going. I am currently pregnant and the guy isnt communicating. We only saw each other to sleep around. But never dated. When i told him i was pregnant. He told me that he needs time to figure himself out and that it will be a couple of years before he can see himself in a committed relationship. He has stopped communicating with me a month or two after i told him i am pregnant. What do i do?
I can’t entertain more than one at a time. I’m too busy and don’t feel like dealing with multiple men wanting to sleep with me and constantly getting myself out of that. So one at a time is my only option. I don’t give a shit about enough people to have to talk to more than one dude every day. That sounds like absolute hell, I’d rather not talk to any at all.
The issue here, in my oppinion, is that most of the women wants that kind of attention, and the even bigger issue is that there are men available everytime..
Im really without any energy left for dating, and tired of this generation of easyness of choose, its so easy just to swipe and find "greener grass" on the other side, that people don't put the minimum effort into anything by now, and that's just sad.. but here we are.. we need to accept it.. :)
@@SWGTBruno What kind of men? 90% of men online are after ONS or FWB. Men swipe everyone, women only 10%. Nobody cares about anyone.
Nothing wrong with that approach at all, it just takes discipline to not over-invest when we like someone, and to stay invested in all of the other wonderful parts of our life so that a new person doesn't occupy too much mental space before it's actually reached the point where they should be taking up that much space.
Pretty sure it was not meant sleeping with several. It's for the talking phase when you get to know them
I suggest following these steps (for women who want serious relationships):
1. From the beginning! Tell everybody!! you're looking for a serious relationship (get married legally and, I suggest, in front of God (Jesschrist); have children, etc.). Tell everybody ( friends, family, co workers, possible candidates) all the time!.
2. If there's a prospect, treat him as a friend for 3-5 months.
3. He has! to ask you to be his girlfriend before those 5 months!
4. If you become bf and gf, DO NOT have sexual intercourse! And be the best gf possible.
5. If you don't get a ring or a proposal after a year (the most). Leave him!
I'm actually in the same situation right now. I've been talking to a woman for almost a year and I've asked her before where we are going. And she pretty much said she doesn't want to rush which I understand however I think 1 year of getting to know each other and video calls etc is a long time in my opinion and turns out she tells me well take it slow and see where it goes. So I'm trying to re-evaluate where I really need to put my time in if I should still pursue or slowly pull away.
One year is way more than enough for someone to know if they want a relationship with you. If you continue with a situation that is less than what you want you are putting yourself first. You have to be true to what you really want, not be what someone else needs you to be just so that you can keep them in your life. Much love ♥
Oh, you are a placeholder. Very obvious. She likes you, enough not to throw you away, but she is looking for someone else she really wants. You pursuing harder won’t change anything. It’s not because she doesn’t know what you want, is it?
@cecilang9721 so she knows what I want, and we've talked about it before about what we are. At that time of the conversation, she pretty much announced that she likes and is interested in me. It is confirmed that I am the only one she's talking to and have the intentions of working her way up to 100% to being open and honest with me about moving forward and has dropped talking to anyone else. But due to past history, she doesn't want to rush things, not knowing if it's the right one since she is getting at that age where she doesn't have long to start a family left. Since she's 37. On top of that, when the time comes well, both know and open from both sides and officially have an honest talk together before deciding that route of being more. Don't mind my grammar, but just a little more detail.
@@cecilang9721Could just be a (fearful) avoidant person, had a very similar experience but my partner is very committed at the very least so I dont have any suspicions especially with how often they make an effort to see me.
@@Oh.itzBrandon oh boy get ready to learn this suprise, people lie and they go the path that is best for them. 1 year dating and she doesn´t know if she wants you? I think it doesn´t matter what she says her actions tell the whole story. She likes you but knows she wants to find something better but since she is 37 she does want to hold you warm just in case she really doesn´t find someone else. No one needs a year, I´m sorry to be that person but I feel like you should make a decision for yourself what you want, you shouldn´t be an NPC in someone elses story waiiting for them to progress the story
8:34, sounds like my ex relationship Fearful Avoidant and AP, but I did value her a lot in presence too. Just needed more mental bandwidth work.
I have not tried to get back out into the dating scene. It requires time, and effort. Will start looking in 2025, I am looking forward to an easy low stress no drama of the dating scene.
I was with someone for almost a year and was having feelings after 5-6 months. He started with a clear position of not wanting a relationship and after asking him if he had feelings, he admitted to have feelings, too. Still no relationship even if it had the character of one. I felt the beauty of having no pressure to commit too soon and to be sure to have feelings. Still, it is so hard now that he finally decided not to be with me anymore and he wants to find out how it is to be alone.
It's very typical to person with Avoidant attachment style. 5, 6, 7 months in is when dopamine drops, that's when they break up.
Looks like he was sure he doesn't want Commitment while trying to show some signs of interest to keep u for a while
My gf and I just committed after 2 meetings. And 3 years ongoing
About the topic knowing each other and suddenly after i will saw them dating to others, my answer for that ..all of us have a freedom to choose. For me no problem if u refused me immediately without knowing me better who iam, and what kind of partner iam or what kind of woman iam.. all of us have one to be with what ever happens..lucky you if u changed your plan after im not the first choice from the beginning,and still wants to connect with me im still here willing to entertain you as long as i can..and about the rejections😊 normally that word is not from you, isnt?🤔
Thank you so much! I really need this now
Omg another Scrubs fan! I thought we were a dying breed! Love you 10x more now.
IMO, 'let's just see where it goes' only works in early datingwhen there is low information. As we get to know each other, after several dates, then you have more information, like how good they are to waitstaff and puppies, to guide the way forward.
Nope... I see where it goes in the beginning because I need time to feel the other person out, but I'm always upfront that I want a relationship with the right person... Then, if the commitment conversation comes up at an appropriate time and I'm interested but the other person isn't, I walk away. Still no commitment XD
I laugh because I'm still struggling.
I would do the video clips without the clicking noises ❤️❤️❤️❤️ love this topic. Anyone who says we’ll see how it goes already knows it’s not going anywhere…
Thanks for this video Matthew, I follow you from Algeria since around 2016 ❤🎉
No way! That's amazing. Thank you for following!
@@thematthewhussey thanks for all the knowledge and wisdom you are sharing 🙏👍
@thematthewhussey - been watching Matthew since I was 14 years old, 10 years later, and all I am wondering is if he aged at all somehow looks younger than when I saw his videos a decade ago
@@wateydiep5980 I guess that's what happens to eternal learners, they never grow old 🗝️
Perfect timing!
Very well said
It also depends on the location. I live in London and no 1 I repeat no 1 wants a relationship. I have put a lot of intentions into finding a person who I am compatible with and also wants a family and all I ever found men who wanted casual sex. I'm 42 I find it very tiresome keep finding this kind of men. I also think London is a very toxic city where if you want a relationship and a family and make it clear people look at you how outdated you are. So I think environment where we live matters a lot.
I’m working all day on October 22nd. If I sign-up can I watch it later that day or week? I would really like to attend
really liked this video
I wish I could attend the class, but I am in Japan and 19:00 UK will be 3:00 AM in Japan :(
Matt you always call me out 😂
10:41 I can`t HAHAHAH- see where it goesss, where it flows lol
And thn there is a time when get into a kind of limrent' situation towards this particular person...n it hurts...
How is it different to an AP and FA attachment dynamic doing on for 4+ yrs?
We weren't casual though. But had some smaller infidelity, emotional communication & anger issues.
*hand raised*
Just one more thing to blame myself for………
15:20 should I marry my ex even though she never expressed it as a deal breaker, maybe she denied herself?
Yes
best!!!
If you want a relationship and the other party is sure they are ready, do not date them. Walk away.
I really like this person but i don't know how to approach it with him. What do I say?
Ask him out for a coffee?
@cherrylane79 We are past that stage, we have been on and off for years.
@@cinderellaflahertyif you don’t want to be to obvious, because that would be better-to show through your body how interested you are, you can always tell it to him like it was a dream you had, share that dream with him make it vivid and gauge his response, you can even say “what would you think if this crazy dream became true, how do you see it?”. Hope this helps!
What’s all of this clicking? 😅😅
The problem is that it's so easy for men ( and to some women) not to care. And so many won't go into therapy, esp. men. Dating is hell and also becoming increasingly dangerous.
This Daniel Radcliffe looking guy AKA Harry Potter lol.
love lots
10 years, shared home, promises made and now no talk of a future after I gave everything. dumb dumb dumb
I fancy someone who is long distance too. I want a relationship with him but I feel like it's not possible. 😭
Same with me but I am moving to his coutry anyway for studying I don't know if things could work out with us becuase he said we wants to be friends😪
How many times to I have to hear that incessant clicking
💜💜💜
❤
One possible reason, although not a nice one to say, is that you're boring.
Matthew haven’t come to your channel in a while & your thumbnails look like Edutopia…. Sorry but
🙋🏻
I killed myself because of this
First!
They didn't commit because they are a bad person
First
Yes
❤❤❤