👋🏻Heya everyone! Hope you like this one! Have you tried no contact before? ❓❓ 🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE092& - Chris
My ADHD ex would just feel too overwhelmed to even speak with me and suddenly cease communication altogether for days if not weeks in the worst cases. I suppose it’s a different context opposed to what you’re talking about here, where there is an agreement to not speak for X amount of time? Anyway, not showing the courage or capacity to actually have a mature conversation about the relationship is a big red flag for me. Though I know some people are generally avoidant of speaking their true thoughts and feelings…
So, I've touched on stonewalling in this video here: ruclips.net/video/WfaooHck_4Y/видео.htmlsi=XtCG7kmWyO6gC0Bc but I would say that although it feels like them not having the 'courage' to have a conversation, I'd say that it's quite disempowering to the relationship to point the finger of blame and walk away. This is what my members and I talk about called the Illusion of Blame, which *feels good* in the moment, but ultimately isn't effective at mending the relationship E.g. Let's say that your partner IS scared and DOESNT have the capacity to talk about the relationship right now, some things to think about: a) There is a good reason for them not wanting to open up: emotional safety has been destroyed b) Have you *mastered* how to open them up, create the emotional safety for them to feel comfortable? c) Do you think that they are *more* or *less* likely to open up if they feel you blame them for not feeling safe? Simply put, if someone IS generally avoidant of speaking their feelings, there are usually very very good reasons for it. And you're left with 3 options: 1) Blame their character and walk away because you think they won't change 2) Blame their character and stay but take no action to open them up 3) Don't blame their character, believe they can change and then take the action to open them up and walk through their feelings. Many clients I've worked with came to me in situations where they were blocked, cut off, etc... and because they took option 3 (the hard, but effective option) they changed their situation and now are reconciled and crafting massive amounts of emotional safety for their partner to open themselves up. Ultimately, I know that this isn't *easy* but in order to cultivate any relationship compatibility, someone needs to lead by example otherwise it will be a constant back and forth of point scoring and nothing with change. It's not for everyone, but for those who take that path, they get to reap the rewards! :)
@@BeUltranormal thanks for your thoughtful response, Chris. I know I had a role in that relationship and really tried hard to change my own responses to this person. But when you consistently get interrupted when trying to talk and are still blamed at the end of the day for failing to prevent escalations, it takes enormous effort to not become disgruntled and keep applying what I would imagine you teach your coachees. I blame the untreated ADHD condition for most of the problems we had and due to other circumstantial factors decided this is not the relationship I find worth investing in.
Our brains can justify any behavior if we really try hard enough. :) To be frank with you, I have been cheated on a lot in previous relationships. It was a trigger point and a chip I carried on my shoulder for a long long time. Every time I got a hint of it, I would fall for the Paradox of Control and try to either 'catch' those partners in the lie, or I'd justify me pulling away from the relationship. It never stopped anyone from cheating and it never got to the root of WHY people cheat. (I broke down that in this video: ruclips.net/video/8wVmSFjvUQU/видео.htmlsi=oZzZmH6srcsUS8MZ ) My questions would be: what is your goal in no contact? Why are you doing it? Punishment? Create a reaction? Prove a point? Pride? Trying to protect yourself from more hurt? If the answer to any of them is 'yes' then you could easily justify to yourself disappearing without any explanation. But in doing that you will also have to accept the other consequences of those actions too: Destroying emotional safety Perpetuating the negative view of you/the relationship Reinforcing controlling behavior within yourself Developing more avoidant tendencies within yourself Never understanding the reasons as to why someone cheats, so not being able to reduce the risk of it happening again Relying on temporary fixes The things that feel good in the moment (the ones that have immediate gratification) are often the simplest, and weakest to our goals. If you want to repair a relationship, to build the connection, to grow, etc... then No Contact leaves you in a much worse situation. Each to their own, though, I've done both now and I can say from experience the more difficult option (what I present in this video) will get you more in the long run.
Good stuff, Chris! Very helpful perspective. Yeah a lot of videos out there say that no contact is the way to go, but obviously that is very flawed. Not hurting anybody but oneself. Hope you’re staying nice and dry. Heckuva storm you guys have had down there.!🛟
👋🏻Heya everyone! Hope you like this one! Have you tried no contact before? ❓❓
🚨Come join my NEW Relationship Bootcamp! be.ultranormal.co/relationship-bootcamp?YTE092&
- Chris
This all sounds great on paper, but people that give you the silent treatment as a means to punish is a different type of situation
I have an entire video on Stonewalling over here! :) ruclips.net/video/WfaooHck_4Y/видео.html
My ADHD ex would just feel too overwhelmed to even speak with me and suddenly cease communication altogether for days if not weeks in the worst cases. I suppose it’s a different context opposed to what you’re talking about here, where there is an agreement to not speak for X amount of time? Anyway, not showing the courage or capacity to actually have a mature conversation about the relationship is a big red flag for me. Though I know some people are generally avoidant of speaking their true thoughts and feelings…
So, I've touched on stonewalling in this video here: ruclips.net/video/WfaooHck_4Y/видео.htmlsi=XtCG7kmWyO6gC0Bc
but I would say that although it feels like them not having the 'courage' to have a conversation, I'd say that it's quite disempowering to the relationship to point the finger of blame and walk away. This is what my members and I talk about called the Illusion of Blame, which *feels good* in the moment, but ultimately isn't effective at mending the relationship
E.g. Let's say that your partner IS scared and DOESNT have the capacity to talk about the relationship right now, some things to think about:
a) There is a good reason for them not wanting to open up: emotional safety has been destroyed
b) Have you *mastered* how to open them up, create the emotional safety for them to feel comfortable?
c) Do you think that they are *more* or *less* likely to open up if they feel you blame them for not feeling safe?
Simply put, if someone IS generally avoidant of speaking their feelings, there are usually very very good reasons for it. And you're left with 3 options:
1) Blame their character and walk away because you think they won't change
2) Blame their character and stay but take no action to open them up
3) Don't blame their character, believe they can change and then take the action to open them up and walk through their feelings.
Many clients I've worked with came to me in situations where they were blocked, cut off, etc... and because they took option 3 (the hard, but effective option) they changed their situation and now are reconciled and crafting massive amounts of emotional safety for their partner to open themselves up.
Ultimately, I know that this isn't *easy* but in order to cultivate any relationship compatibility, someone needs to lead by example otherwise it will be a constant back and forth of point scoring and nothing with change.
It's not for everyone, but for those who take that path, they get to reap the rewards! :)
@@BeUltranormal thanks for your thoughtful response, Chris. I know I had a role in that relationship and really tried hard to change my own responses to this person. But when you consistently get interrupted when trying to talk and are still blamed at the end of the day for failing to prevent escalations, it takes enormous effort to not become disgruntled and keep applying what I would imagine you teach your coachees. I blame the untreated ADHD condition for most of the problems we had and due to other circumstantial factors decided this is not the relationship I find worth investing in.
The closed captions are out of synch significantly.
Looks like I uploaded the wrong ones, thank you so so much for pointing that out! Should be fixed now :)
What if your girlfriend cheated on you. Is it justifiable to go no contact:; just disappear without explanation?
Our brains can justify any behavior if we really try hard enough. :)
To be frank with you, I have been cheated on a lot in previous relationships. It was a trigger point and a chip I carried on my shoulder for a long long time. Every time I got a hint of it, I would fall for the Paradox of Control and try to either 'catch' those partners in the lie, or I'd justify me pulling away from the relationship. It never stopped anyone from cheating and it never got to the root of WHY people cheat. (I broke down that in this video: ruclips.net/video/8wVmSFjvUQU/видео.htmlsi=oZzZmH6srcsUS8MZ )
My questions would be: what is your goal in no contact? Why are you doing it? Punishment? Create a reaction? Prove a point? Pride? Trying to protect yourself from more hurt?
If the answer to any of them is 'yes' then you could easily justify to yourself disappearing without any explanation.
But in doing that you will also have to accept the other consequences of those actions too:
Destroying emotional safety
Perpetuating the negative view of you/the relationship
Reinforcing controlling behavior within yourself
Developing more avoidant tendencies within yourself
Never understanding the reasons as to why someone cheats, so not being able to reduce the risk of it happening again
Relying on temporary fixes
The things that feel good in the moment (the ones that have immediate gratification) are often the simplest, and weakest to our goals. If you want to repair a relationship, to build the connection, to grow, etc... then No Contact leaves you in a much worse situation.
Each to their own, though, I've done both now and I can say from experience the more difficult option (what I present in this video) will get you more in the long run.
📠 fact
💛⚡
Good stuff, Chris! Very helpful perspective. Yeah a lot of videos out there say that no contact is the way to go, but obviously that is very flawed. Not hurting anybody but oneself.
Hope you’re staying nice and dry. Heckuva storm you guys have had down there.!🛟
Thanks man! Yeah this season has been brutal for us.
Hopefully things have been drier/calmer for you