Too much. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. I don't care what anybody says, a crappy childhood IS NOT LICENSE to be selfish and cruel towards others.
This is the FA golden rule: I will hurt you in some way to see how much you care. I will push you away to see how much you care. I will sabotage to see how much you’re willing to give. In the end, you will be broken and leave me anyway because you’ll get sick of my toxicity. It’s so sad. Man, I wish this people could find God and heal deeply. They deserve love and are so misunderstood (even don’t understand themselves). They need deep, spiritual and emotional, healing.
And here I am initiated the no contact rule after she pushed me away, told me this is my last message goodbye..eventhou I love her its toxic already..i need my space my sanity.
They're sometimes the most amazing and caring people in the world. It's a fight within their head. It's not easy but with the right work they can be great partners
"They don't understand how to decode their behaviors." As a fearful avoidant, I can attest to this. It's insane. I HATE, HATE, HATE having a fearful avoidant attachment, and I am now actively doing all I can to heal.
My boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday. We’ve been on & off for almost a year. He’s a fearful avoidant & now I’m very aware of his tendencies and behaviors because they keep repeating every 2-3 months. I truly love this man, but now I’m at the point where I don’t think I want to deal with his one foot in & one foot out approach to our relationship. It breaks my heart but deep down I know I deserve better. I hate to let go.
There are people who are not afraid to let people close and trust me.....the one foot in one foot out game gets very exhausting. I'm not saying these people are mean .... I'm saying in my experience it leaves you feeling like always questioning relationship , always wondering what will scare them away next. Last person I knew like this went from sayin we would be traveling together to goodbye as soon as I tried to get close. Too much for me to take on. I hope you find happiness with someone who is secure and open 🙏cheers
They know exactly what they are doing. They are wasting your time because you are allowing it. Tell him to kick rocks and find someone who puts in effort otherwise you need to check yourself because you could also be an avoidant staying with an avoidant to make yourself feel less committed.
Confusing was the theme. I lost count of how many times I told my FA " I m a little confused here" and then he would get triggered and angry and then I was even more confused.
Dating someone like this, I could say only one thing: run away! Whatever you do or say is twisted, misinterpreted depinding on the state they are on. Worst thing, they withdraw in themselves and simply wouldn t be expressing their needs or expectations, but at the same time they would ask for honesty from both sides. They would be better off searching for one night stand than thriving to get into relationships. It is so painful for any partner to deal with this unsecure type. The one I met was trying to switch from love partner to friend so he could feel better about himself being capable of some kind of relationship.
And yet you went for them. Knowing how needy and desperate you are for love and affection you picked someone that seemed completely disinterested in anything more than a casual dating experience, so you could ‘fix’ them because they obviously needed you. Then you get very upset and are mean about them when your behavior that almost bordered on stalking made them run away. Sound familiar. Trust me love, anxious attachment styles are a dreadful experience for us too.
@@jaybee4288 I am sorry for your experience with the anxious attachment. I also started to believe what you said about myself , that I dragged him into this. Then, the couple who introduced me to him said: we introduced you because he always gave us the impression that he wants a loving relationship just like ours . Secondly, if he wasn’t, he is a mature adult and could have withdrawn himself. But no, the game was to seem unhappy while me trying to lift him up through his own insecurities. And then when he would feel better and have the upper hand, to treat me disrespectful.
@@jaybee4288 "Needy and desperate" can be relative. Some people may consider wanting to talk or text for 1/2 an hour a day to be those things; others, no.
@@jaybee4288 i am secure and even the most normal interaction without being needy is to much for them. 😂😂 Can' t build on that. They lure you in also pretending they want love. Regardless what style you are. 😂😂😂 I don' t do their silly dance. So i leave when i see a red flag or two.
Honestly? F them. Fix your stuff and then go dating. I've never felt so horrible after dating someone and she even made it seem like I was at fault lol. With FAs it's literally you doing ALL the relationship work and all the emotional labor.
This is easy to resolve: You tell them your needs and that they could be happier if they could have their guard down; If they say yes, you tell them their issues and the attachment style they have and start to ask questions about their childhood and wounds. If they heal and want to work, great but if they from the start just leave because they can't handle you knowing too much about it then leave and never look Back, don't waste your time.
As a FA if you open up by asking about my childhood trauma I’d run a mile. Why don’t you instead just look for someone louder and more secure instead. This is all caused by borderline stalker anxious people picking someone inappropriate for them because it’s the best they feel they can get.
@@jaybee4288 Enough with shitting on people Jay, without knowing anything about people's specific situations. For example, I didn't chase my FA partner. They chased me. So stop belittling healthy or unhealthy people with your baseless assumptions like them being stalkers and such. Not everybody had or having the same exprience as you, draw your boundaries and pull your theory of mind up. Not everyone is you
@@jaybee4288 noone knows anyone's attachment style form the start coz the basic need for all good people are same. FA are good people, they just don't vocalise their needs and suffer in silence until one day they can't take it anymore and ghost you
They don’t like talking about emotions. Did you even watch the video? They will literally shut down to the point of wanting to end the convo saying they are sleepy, that they don’t want to stress thinking about it, that they gotta meet someone or anything else. You could even not hear from them after for days. They don’t like past or be concerned about feelings. My ex is an avoidant and it is exactly like this video describes. He pursued me for months while I was super friendly but avoiding meeting him and would not bombard him with anything serious. We only had fun convos. It was when we started getting closer, being intimate and fell in love that I didn’t know how to manage and viceversa. I wish I knew this info earlier. I would never understand people like you who come to videos to not pay attention and then offer other advice than what was offered with 0 knowledge of the topic. Chris has obviously placed a lot of time and effort into it and by experience I can tell you his info and approach is incredibly accurate.
Oh my goodness this makes so much sense. I dated a guy for over 3 years. It was a constant revolving door. Then after 6 months of no contact he came back ready for a relationship, it was going great! Then my friend saw him flirting with a girl on social media. I mentioned it to him very cautiously and he flipped out and ended it. Now i understand why. That makes me at least feel better. Thank you
Chris you're the man! I just watched this for the second time, I missed so much the first time. This is a transformative video. Two big takeaways from this, is your discussion about fearful avoidants not liking to discuss or think about the past. My girlfriend often told me I thought about the past so much, but she only liked to think about the future. I told her that one of the reasons one should think about the past is that if they remember their past mistakes they don't make them again the future. I was always perplexed by this thought process of hers. Now it makes sense. We had a fantastic relationship and she suddenly broke up with me. I went immediate no contact, now I know I'm on the right track thanks to your video. This has helped me and confirmed what I've been thinking so much.
this happend to my ex and i - we had dated for 6 months and then he cheated on me with someone who he thought he had feelings for (because he was uncomfortable sharing his feelings about how depressed he was in general ((not because of me)). he shared his feelings of depression with this other girl because he felt more comfortable doing that with someone who was far away. then we broke up for about 2 months. he thought i was dating his friend and he immediately came back to me and told me he missed me and we worked it out and got back together. fast forward 2 years later, some other things were going on however i wanted to move in with him and he did not want to because he is scared of commitment.
I've got experience dating 3 FA's who broke up with me. One came back, the other two did not. The latest by far hurt the most. After 3½ months of dating, she started finding minor "flaws" in me and made them sound really bad - like me sounding like a "typical physical therapist", that I didn't "experimentate enough" in bed and that I didn't agree with her feministic viewpoints. Therefore she out of the blue said that she had lost the spark and now doubted a future together with me. That was just 2 weeks after talking about quitting her job and moving to my side of the country to have a future with me. The next day after recieving the bad news from her, I was supposed to drive her 2 hours to a spiritual retreat center. But after having only slept one hour during the night, I asked her to take the train instead. She seemed okay with it at first, but as I followed her to the train I noticed her being completely silent. As we got to the train station she said, that I didn't have to wait for the train with her. All of a sudden it hit me, that she was going to leave me. I replied "okay...well have a great trip then, be good". One minute after entering the train she wrote "I'm not good at the untold, so I'm telling you that we will never see each other again...this was a very uncomfortable ending to what I thought was a mature talk we had last night". I appologized a lot and explained how badly she had misundestood me, but she didn't want to believe me. I then gave her the breakup. After 58 days of radiosilence, I reached out to her politely, but got politely rejected after a few cashual texts as she wrote was "over" me and now had to pay attention to "other closer people" and didn't see a point in being in contact for now. I'm guessing one of those people is a rebound, but can't say for sure. I do not expect to hear from her again, but honestly the ball is in her court. I'm trying to move on and work a lot on my anxious attachment style. Getting her back or not is not my main priority anymore. I won't get further by speculating and beating myself up over how it ended.
The thing is you were not a good fit. Why would you try to be with someone who has different ideologies and tastes in bed than you do? Political values and differences in sex are a big thing that you need to have compatibility with or it will never work. You should find out what is important to you and your values and vet the people you want to be with if you are serious about finding a life partner. If not it does not matter if it's just a casual and no longer-term thing.
@@larissagonzales6075 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. First of all, the political views were just about the only thing we didn't agree on. Other than that we shared a heck of a lot of values. The bedroom stuff I didn't believe ws tue and honestly today I don't believe much of what she said. She was a very insecure person and did lie to me on several occations. I have broken the truama bond and am now dating better, more positive and mentally healthier women who do not look put all the emphasis on the politics.
@@noonevincecarterfan the bedroom incompatibility was a way to protect herself against going further into the relationship / which for FA equals more vulnerability. When she talked about moving in with you during that initial stage of 3 months, there was no incompatibility. Same happened to me, he went from idealizing me in bed to me being boring. Refusing intimacy and complaining for childish reasons. What used to be the greatest thing for them is being twisted as the worst. Their subconscious is sabotaging them, and they will repeat this on and on. Luckily they leave us before wasting too much time.
It seems the path to reconciliation is the same path to moving on and finding someone new and more compatible. Moving on (if one can properly achieve detachment) is a win/win.
I’m FA. You really nailed it and…I hate it. But it’s true, it’s just the way we’re wired. I can’t stop myself from wanting to pull someone in, but the moment it gets too intense, the flip switches and I literally shut off. I’ve been observing it in a way. I’ve been loving someone from a distance. This space feels safe, giving them my love and not expecting anything in return. But it’s painful and lonely. It’s almost like we are addicted to the longing. It’s like a drug. These comments are harsh, but not entirely wrong. But I will say it’s been very difficult to find a therapist that really gets it like this video gets it.
mine eventually told me she loved me back.. but when things fell apart she acted like she only said it so she didnt hurt my feelings..which was ironic because she has no problem hurting my feelings
Im FA relationship feels like prison I want to be In it and out of it my biggest fear in relationship is like I’m not enough I don’t make other person happy maybe there’s lots of maybe
I’m in an odd situation here. I completed No Contact (with major life changes) with her back in October and at that time told her that I didn’t feel like being friends was a good idea, but also I would love to catch up again. She never replied so I did no contact again (twice more actually). During this time I noticed she was stalking my private social media. Finally reached out again yesterday and she’s now asking what my intentions are in texting her. She also added that she’s “not interested in being anything more than friends again” and that she respects I gave her time and space. What do I do in this moment then if I still want to get back? I need to make some response too. I feel like I messed up.
Hello! I understand you, I am going through something similar. She told you that she’s “not interested in being anything more than friends again”. If she is telling you this, first of all believe her 100%. I don't know if she used to lie about her feelings and all that, but it is needed to assume that she is telling the truth right now, otherwise you would be mistrusting her, which would cause you more confusion and anxiety. So after accepting, at least right now, that she doesn't want anything else but a friendship, tell her the truth in an assertive way: that you love and support her and that you understand her possition, but that you don't want to be her friend because you have romantic feelings for her, you want a relationship with her and a frienship would hurt you. And that if she doesn't want a romantic relationship, it is ok and you respect it, but you need to go on with your life. That you are grateful for your time together and wished things were different, but you wish her happiness and the best. This message will show her that you really love her, really care about her and that you respect her decision without rancour and without bad intentions towards her. And then, without telling her anything else, NO CONTACT. AND going on with your life, this part is difficult but day by day you must do A LOT of things, just fill every hour of the day doing things: job, friends, sports, movies, different activities, whatever! When she pops into your thoughts, try to push her away. And pacience... It might take months or who knows, because she has to be nostalgic for you, she has to regain the attraction she felt for you, which she doesn't feel right now, maybe because she is overwhelmed or etc. I am telling you this because I am in a similar situation, and I have already accepted that my ex is not going to come back at least this year, I really doubt it because he was very determined not to want a relationship with anybody right now. I wouldn't play the jealousy card because it could turn against you. If your ex is really an avoidant, remember that this kind of attachment arises from the fear of being abandoned, so they abandon us first, because they do not want to become fully involved and lose their individuality (their control over their thoughts). This is accompanied by the fact that, precisely for that reason, they are not as involved with us, and they do not want to feel guilty of hurting us by not feeling the same way, that's why they pull away. If you suddenly, overnight, start hooking up with other people and trying to make her jealous, I think it might reinforce in her the idea that breaking off the relationship was the best thing to do, because you are quickly with other people and you don't care about her seeing it or her feelings, which might make her think that you didn't care that much about her. So don't play the jealousy card at all if you have feelings for her and want her back!!!!!!!! Not at all, do the right thing: you love her, so don't hurt her like she hurted you, you are a good human and you accept the reality, and you can move on by being truthfull to yourself. You are the most important person for yourself, so don't do things that you might regret later, because you will feel like shit. Just accept that things sometimes don't go like we want, and that we need to pull ourselves together, no matter how long it takes, and keep building our lives with positive things. You never know, life is full of twists and turns, maybe she'll come back, or maybe you'll get over her sooner than you think and a new person will appear who corresponds to you much more! You never know, be positive about it :) I wish you the best, I know it hurts a lot at first but if you make the most of your time and keep her out of your thoughts, in a few weeks you will feel much better! Tell her the truth, as I told you before, and close the chapter for now, what comes in the future will be seen!
@@PanteraRosa91 thank you!! I appreciate all the time you put into this. I did recently ask to drop some things of hers off that we have cluttered around the house, but if I run into her then I’ll State that. Otherwise I’ll text it after lol. Thank you! Edit: the only thing that is weird to me is she occasionally stalks my private social media despite all that. It’s just weirdly annoying at this point. Oh well.
I’m reading this as I was told by a therapist that I am FA. What I would suggest is you wouldn’t see many people with this commenting because to us it is normal. It is very hard to describe but it is how the brain is wired. When the anxious people need a hug every five minutes and become obsessive stalkers when you break up, that’s as weird to me as my behaviour is to you. Mine isn’t illegal though, so not really sure we warrant all the vitriol here. Pick people who you like and respect, not girls who were abused as kids who you’re trying to fix and stop being so nasty.
Anxious people don’t need hugs every 5 mins. Anxious person here who dated a FA. I admit initially I was clingy and we used to argue about this. 2 yrs into the relationship he broke up with me abruptly. I was devastated, called him crying hysterical the whole nine yards,he stayed strong on his decision & I accepted this and went my way too. While we were on a break I come across attachment styles what I am and what he is is quite evident .One month later just texted me out of the blue came over next day saying how much he misses me and wouldn’t stop hugging me the whole day. We get back together,doing great. He slowly moves in with me and now I’m super secure. We work different shift times. So we don’t even see each other 5 days a week. Just the weekend. 8 out of 10 times he’s the one that calls or text. He has space,no clinging or emotional over load from me & guess what, he just broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I didnt say a word in protest and let him go. If he can’t handle even a 2 day a week relationship,don’t be in one & fuck other people’s lives up. At least with us anxious people we show what we are from the beginning so if you think we’re clingy or too much you can pass on us unlike you people who act like it’s all good in the beginning and leave abruptly. Sorry for being rude about it,I know I’m projecting what I’m feeling towards my ex to you but it’s just boggles my mind.
@@zebrastripes3786don’t even try. These people are unable to hold themselves accountable for anything. Their pain and trauma means they get to emotionally abuse and harm you. Never mind the fact that millions of us live with abuse and trauma, yet do not see that as a free pass to be a manipulative and detrimental, destructive being.
I'm disgusted at DA behavior after watching this and sad at he same time cause i wish my ex was a secureb person...i really hope to heal these emotions are killing me....
Disgusted? If you love the person you can find compassion within your anger even if you don’t want to be with them. The person you claim to love suffered for a large portion of their life and developed differently than you. You both matter. I hope you both find healing.
They are like vultures. They fly around in circles over the victim. They stay out of reach. Then they come in to take a bite and then fly away again. How deal with an avoidant? GTFO!!! Never date one.
@@wynnpiper6215 True. They have my sympathy in many ways. However they will loose it if they continue to do it over and over instead of working on themselves. We all have issues and trauma. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior though. Many of them already know something is wrong. But they are stubborn and won’t do anything about it. Instead they sabotage other people and become self destructive. Very sad.
Хобби
Too much. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. I don't care what anybody says, a crappy childhood IS NOT LICENSE to be selfish and cruel towards others.
Dumper laughing now and cries later.
Dumpee cries now and laughs later.
Always ????
Such difficult people, dear lord, do you want distance? I'll give you the universe.
😂
Lol
😂
So insightful
This is the FA golden rule: I will hurt you in some way to see how much you care. I will push you away to see how much you care. I will sabotage to see how much you’re willing to give. In the end, you will be broken and leave me anyway because you’ll get sick of my toxicity.
It’s so sad. Man, I wish this people could find God and heal deeply. They deserve love and are so misunderstood (even don’t understand themselves). They need deep, spiritual and emotional, healing.
Damn, this is Accurate
And here I am initiated the no contact rule after she pushed me away, told me this is my last message goodbye..eventhou I love her its toxic already..i need my space my sanity.
They're sometimes the most amazing and caring people in the world. It's a fight within their head. It's not easy but with the right work they can be great partners
"They don't understand how to decode their behaviors." As a fearful avoidant, I can attest to this. It's insane. I HATE, HATE, HATE having a fearful avoidant attachment, and I am now actively doing all I can to heal.
@@wynnpiper6215 love is never wasted on anyone. Hope you have turned to focus on you and your own happiness now
How do you heal? All these videos just talk about the problems but not the solution.
@@CitiesOfAshtherapy. There is usually underlying deeply rooted issues
6 years into this madness. RUN.
Same
My boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday. We’ve been on & off for almost a year. He’s a fearful avoidant & now I’m very aware of his tendencies and behaviors because they keep repeating every 2-3 months. I truly love this man, but now I’m at the point where I don’t think I want to deal with his one foot in & one foot out approach to our relationship. It breaks my heart but deep down I know I deserve better. I hate to let go.
There are people who are not afraid to let people close and trust me.....the one foot in one foot out game gets very exhausting. I'm not saying these people are mean .... I'm saying in my experience it leaves you feeling like always questioning relationship , always wondering what will scare them away next. Last person I knew like this went from sayin we would be traveling together to goodbye as soon as I tried to get close. Too much for me to take on. I hope you find happiness with someone who is secure and open 🙏cheers
They know exactly what they are doing. They are wasting your time because you are allowing it. Tell him to kick rocks and find someone who puts in effort otherwise you need to check yourself because you could also be an avoidant staying with an avoidant to make yourself feel less committed.
Stay no contact with an avoidant.
The relationship will always be toxic
You deserve to be in a living, healthy and committed relationship.
Same here - had enough broke off if he comes back then it’s a no ! Unless he willing to work on his stuff and the relationship!
Mine also repeats the same pattern every couple of months. It’s exhausting
Confusing was the theme. I lost count of how many times I told my FA " I m a little confused here" and then he would get triggered and angry and then I was even more confused.
Dating someone like this, I could say only one thing: run away! Whatever you do or say is twisted, misinterpreted depinding on the state they are on. Worst thing, they withdraw in themselves and simply wouldn t be expressing their needs or expectations, but at the same time they would ask for honesty from both sides. They would be better off searching for one night stand than thriving to get into relationships. It is so painful for any partner to deal with this unsecure type. The one I met was trying to switch from love partner to friend so he could feel better about himself being capable of some kind of relationship.
I had the same experience.
And yet you went for them. Knowing how needy and desperate you are for love and affection you picked someone that seemed completely disinterested in anything more than a casual dating experience, so you could ‘fix’ them because they obviously needed you. Then you get very upset and are mean about them when your behavior that almost bordered on stalking made them run away. Sound familiar. Trust me love, anxious attachment styles are a dreadful experience for us too.
@@jaybee4288 I am sorry for your experience with the anxious attachment. I also started to believe what you said about myself , that I dragged him into this. Then, the couple who introduced me to him said: we introduced you because he always gave us the impression that he wants a loving relationship just like ours . Secondly, if he wasn’t, he is a mature adult and could have withdrawn himself. But no, the game was to seem unhappy while me trying to lift him up through his own insecurities. And then when he would feel better and have the upper hand, to treat me disrespectful.
@@jaybee4288 "Needy and desperate" can be relative. Some people may consider wanting to talk or text for 1/2 an hour a day to be those things; others, no.
@@jaybee4288 i am secure and even the most normal interaction without being needy is to much for them. 😂😂
Can' t build on that.
They lure you in also pretending they want love.
Regardless what style you are.
😂😂😂
I don' t do their silly dance. So i leave when i see a red flag or two.
Honestly? F them. Fix your stuff and then go dating. I've never felt so horrible after dating someone and she even made it seem like I was at fault lol. With FAs it's literally you doing ALL the relationship work and all the emotional labor.
Guys. Honestly just run for the hills. Seriously, I know it sounds hard but you’re worth a lot more !
Why are you here?
This is easy to resolve:
You tell them your needs and that they could be happier if they could have their guard down;
If they say yes, you tell them their issues and the attachment style they have and start to ask questions about their childhood and wounds.
If they heal and want to work, great but if they from the start just leave because they can't handle you knowing too much about it then leave and never look Back, don't waste your time.
As a FA if you open up by asking about my childhood trauma I’d run a mile. Why don’t you instead just look for someone louder and more secure instead. This is all caused by borderline stalker anxious people picking someone inappropriate for them because it’s the best they feel they can get.
@@jaybee4288 Enough with shitting on people Jay, without knowing anything about people's specific situations. For example, I didn't chase my FA partner. They chased me. So stop belittling healthy or unhealthy people with your baseless assumptions like them being stalkers and such. Not everybody had or having the same exprience as you, draw your boundaries and pull your theory of mind up. Not everyone is you
@@jaybee4288 noone knows anyone's attachment style form the start coz the basic need for all good people are same.
FA are good people, they just don't vocalise their needs and suffer in silence until one day they can't take it anymore and ghost you
They don’t like talking about emotions. Did you even watch the video? They will literally shut down to the point of wanting to end the convo saying they are sleepy, that they don’t want to stress thinking about it, that they gotta meet someone or anything else. You could even not hear from them after for days. They don’t like past or be concerned about feelings. My ex is an avoidant and it is exactly like this video describes. He pursued me for months while I was super friendly but avoiding meeting him and would not bombard him with anything serious. We only had fun convos. It was when we started getting closer, being intimate and fell in love that I didn’t know how to manage and viceversa. I wish I knew this info earlier. I would never understand people like you who come to videos to not pay attention and then offer other advice than what was offered with 0 knowledge of the topic. Chris has obviously placed a lot of time and effort into it and by experience I can tell you his info and approach is incredibly accurate.
Thanks! More Fearful Avoidants videos please!
Oh my goodness this makes so much sense. I dated a guy for over 3 years. It was a constant revolving door. Then after 6 months of no contact he came back ready for a relationship, it was going great! Then my friend saw him flirting with a girl on social media. I mentioned it to him very cautiously and he flipped out and ended it.
Now i understand why.
That makes me at least feel better. Thank you
This sounds almost like bpd also 😅
Chris you're the man! I just watched this for the second time, I missed so much the first time. This is a transformative video. Two big takeaways from this, is your discussion about fearful avoidants not liking to discuss or think about the past. My girlfriend often told me I thought about the past so much, but she only liked to think about the future. I told her that one of the reasons one should think about the past is that if they remember their past mistakes they don't make them again the future. I was always perplexed by this thought process of hers. Now it makes sense.
We had a fantastic relationship and she suddenly broke up with me. I went immediate no contact, now I know I'm on the right track thanks to your video. This has helped me and confirmed what I've been thinking so much.
Thankyou for this video. Am going to follow your advice !!
Thank you for sharing this information! Now I understand so much about the one foot in and one foot out with my guy.
Happy to help!
No one explains like you, luv your videos please make more
this happend to my ex and i - we had dated for 6 months and then he cheated on me with someone who he thought he had feelings for (because he was uncomfortable sharing his feelings about how depressed he was in general ((not because of me)). he shared his feelings of depression with this other girl because he felt more comfortable doing that with someone who was far away. then we broke up for about 2 months. he thought i was dating his friend and he immediately came back to me and told me he missed me and we worked it out and got back together. fast forward 2 years later, some other things were going on however i wanted to move in with him and he did not want to because he is scared of commitment.
Respect yourself
I've got experience dating 3 FA's who broke up with me. One came back, the other two did not. The latest by far hurt the most. After 3½ months of dating, she started finding minor "flaws" in me and made them sound really bad - like me sounding like a "typical physical therapist", that I didn't "experimentate enough" in bed and that I didn't agree with her feministic viewpoints. Therefore she out of the blue said that she had lost the spark and now doubted a future together with me. That was just 2 weeks after talking about quitting her job and moving to my side of the country to have a future with me. The next day after recieving the bad news from her, I was supposed to drive her 2 hours to a spiritual retreat center. But after having only slept one hour during the night, I asked her to take the train instead. She seemed okay with it at first, but as I followed her to the train I noticed her being completely silent. As we got to the train station she said, that I didn't have to wait for the train with her. All of a sudden it hit me, that she was going to leave me. I replied "okay...well have a great trip then, be good". One minute after entering the train she wrote "I'm not good at the untold, so I'm telling you that we will never see each other again...this was a very uncomfortable ending to what I thought was a mature talk we had last night". I appologized a lot and explained how badly she had misundestood me, but she didn't want to believe me. I then gave her the breakup. After 58 days of radiosilence, I reached out to her politely, but got politely rejected after a few cashual texts as she wrote was "over" me and now had to pay attention to "other closer people" and didn't see a point in being in contact for now. I'm guessing one of those people is a rebound, but can't say for sure. I do not expect to hear from her again, but honestly the ball is in her court. I'm trying to move on and work a lot on my anxious attachment style. Getting her back or not is not my main priority anymore. I won't get further by speculating and beating myself up over how it ended.
-+2349046285008⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of breakup.,....
The thing is you were not a good fit. Why would you try to be with someone who has different ideologies and tastes in bed than you do? Political values and differences in sex are a big thing that you need to have compatibility with or it will never work. You should find out what is important to you and your values and vet the people you want to be with if you are serious about finding a life partner. If not it does not matter if it's just a casual and no longer-term thing.
@@larissagonzales6075 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. First of all, the political views were just about the only thing we didn't agree on. Other than that we shared a heck of a lot of values. The bedroom stuff I didn't believe ws tue and honestly today I don't believe much of what she said. She was a very insecure person and did lie to me on several occations. I have broken the truama bond and am now dating better, more positive and mentally healthier women who do not look put all the emphasis on the politics.
@@noonevincecarterfan glad to hear the update about dating better.
@@noonevincecarterfan the bedroom incompatibility was a way to protect herself against going further into the relationship / which for FA equals more vulnerability. When she talked about moving in with you during that initial stage of 3 months, there was no incompatibility. Same happened to me, he went from idealizing me in bed to me being boring. Refusing intimacy and complaining for childish reasons. What used to be the greatest thing for them is being twisted as the worst. Their subconscious is sabotaging them, and they will repeat this on and on. Luckily they leave us before wasting too much time.
It seems the path to reconciliation is the same path to moving on and finding someone new and more compatible. Moving on (if one can properly achieve detachment) is a win/win.
I love this guy
She said I love you more than I did. That’s the kicker. Rebounded with guy with same name a month later😂
I’m FA. You really nailed it and…I hate it. But it’s true, it’s just the way we’re wired. I can’t stop myself from wanting to pull someone in, but the moment it gets too intense, the flip switches and I literally shut off. I’ve been observing it in a way. I’ve been loving someone from a distance. This space feels safe, giving them my love and not expecting anything in return. But it’s painful and lonely. It’s almost like we are addicted to the longing. It’s like a drug.
These comments are harsh, but not entirely wrong. But I will say it’s been very difficult to find a therapist that really gets it like this video gets it.
What has helped you in therapy?
mine eventually told me she loved me back.. but when things fell apart she acted like she only said it so she didnt hurt my feelings..which was ironic because she has no problem hurting my feelings
I'm curious. Does all of this still apply if I'm the one who broke up with her? Does no contact still work? 😅
What happens when I break up with them?
Im FA relationship feels like prison I want to be In it and out of it my biggest fear in relationship is like I’m not enough I don’t make other person happy maybe there’s lots of maybe
I’m in an odd situation here.
I completed No Contact (with major life changes) with her back in October and at that time told her that I didn’t feel like being friends was a good idea, but also I would love to catch up again. She never replied so I did no contact again (twice more actually). During this time I noticed she was stalking my private social media. Finally reached out again yesterday and she’s now asking what my intentions are in texting her. She also added that she’s “not interested in being anything more than friends again” and that she respects I gave her time and space. What do I do in this moment then if I still want to get back? I need to make some response too. I feel like I messed up.
Make her work for you! Use jealousy so she knows you wont just wait for her and raise your value!
@@Leblancdw thank you so much, I’m going to do just that!
Hello! I understand you, I am going through something similar.
She told you that she’s “not interested in being anything more than friends again”. If she is telling you this, first of all believe her 100%. I don't know if she used to lie about her feelings and all that, but it is needed to assume that she is telling the truth right now, otherwise you would be mistrusting her, which would cause you more confusion and anxiety.
So after accepting, at least right now, that she doesn't want anything else but a friendship, tell her the truth in an assertive way: that you love and support her and that you understand her possition, but that you don't want to be her friend because you have romantic feelings for her, you want a relationship with her and a frienship would hurt you. And that if she doesn't want a romantic relationship, it is ok and you respect it, but you need to go on with your life. That you are grateful for your time together and wished things were different, but you wish her happiness and the best.
This message will show her that you really love her, really care about her and that you respect her decision without rancour and without bad intentions towards her.
And then, without telling her anything else, NO CONTACT. AND going on with your life, this part is difficult but day by day you must do A LOT of things, just fill every hour of the day doing things: job, friends, sports, movies, different activities, whatever! When she pops into your thoughts, try to push her away. And pacience... It might take months or who knows, because she has to be nostalgic for you, she has to regain the attraction she felt for you, which she doesn't feel right now, maybe because she is overwhelmed or etc. I am telling you this because I am in a similar situation, and I have already accepted that my ex is not going to come back at least this year, I really doubt it because he was very determined not to want a relationship with anybody right now.
I wouldn't play the jealousy card because it could turn against you. If your ex is really an avoidant, remember that this kind of attachment arises from the fear of being abandoned, so they abandon us first, because they do not want to become fully involved and lose their individuality (their control over their thoughts). This is accompanied by the fact that, precisely for that reason, they are not as involved with us, and they do not want to feel guilty of hurting us by not feeling the same way, that's why they pull away. If you suddenly, overnight, start hooking up with other people and trying to make her jealous, I think it might reinforce in her the idea that breaking off the relationship was the best thing to do, because you are quickly with other people and you don't care about her seeing it or her feelings, which might make her think that you didn't care that much about her. So don't play the jealousy card at all if you have feelings for her and want her back!!!!!!!! Not at all, do the right thing: you love her, so don't hurt her like she hurted you, you are a good human and you accept the reality, and you can move on by being truthfull to yourself.
You are the most important person for yourself, so don't do things that you might regret later, because you will feel like shit. Just accept that things sometimes don't go like we want, and that we need to pull ourselves together, no matter how long it takes, and keep building our lives with positive things. You never know, life is full of twists and turns, maybe she'll come back, or maybe you'll get over her sooner than you think and a new person will appear who corresponds to you much more! You never know, be positive about it :)
I wish you the best, I know it hurts a lot at first but if you make the most of your time and keep her out of your thoughts, in a few weeks you will feel much better! Tell her the truth, as I told you before, and close the chapter for now, what comes in the future will be seen!
@@PanteraRosa91 thank you!! I appreciate all the time you put into this. I did recently ask to drop some things of hers off that we have cluttered around the house, but if I run into her then I’ll State that. Otherwise I’ll text it after lol. Thank you!
Edit: the only thing that is weird to me is she occasionally stalks my private social media despite all that. It’s just weirdly annoying at this point. Oh well.
@@PanteraRosa91 sorry just a question that popped into mind, is dating others not considered a form of jealousy? That’s mainly what I was on to.
So accurate
Thanks
I’m reading this as I was told by a therapist that I am FA. What I would suggest is you wouldn’t see many people with this commenting because to us it is normal. It is very hard to describe but it is how the brain is wired. When the anxious people need a hug every five minutes and become obsessive stalkers when you break up, that’s as weird to me as my behaviour is to you. Mine isn’t illegal though, so not really sure we warrant all the vitriol here. Pick people who you like and respect, not girls who were abused as kids who you’re trying to fix and stop being so nasty.
Anxious people don’t need hugs every 5 mins. Anxious person here who dated a FA. I admit initially I was clingy and we used to argue about this. 2 yrs into the relationship he broke up with me abruptly. I was devastated, called him crying hysterical the whole nine yards,he stayed strong on his decision & I accepted this and went my way too.
While we were on a break I come across attachment styles what I am and what he is is quite evident .One month later just texted me out of the blue came over next day saying how much he misses me and wouldn’t stop hugging me the whole day.
We get back together,doing great. He slowly moves in with me and now I’m super secure. We work different shift times. So we don’t even see each other 5 days a week. Just the weekend. 8 out of 10 times he’s the one that calls or text. He has space,no clinging or emotional over load from me & guess what, he just broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I didnt say a word in protest and let him go. If he can’t handle even a 2 day a week relationship,don’t be in one & fuck other people’s lives up. At least with us anxious people we show what we are from the beginning so if you think we’re clingy or too much you can pass on us unlike you people who act like it’s all good in the beginning and leave abruptly. Sorry for being rude about it,I know I’m projecting what I’m feeling towards my ex to you but it’s just boggles my mind.
@@zebrastripes3786don’t even try. These people are unable to hold themselves accountable for anything. Their pain and trauma means they get to emotionally abuse and harm you. Never mind the fact that millions of us live with abuse and trauma, yet do not see that as a free pass to be a manipulative and detrimental, destructive being.
I know,had to learn the hard way
Should you tell your new boyfriend that you cheated on them with your ex even though you and your ex are never going to talk again?
To be honest, you shouldn’t want someone after they left you for someone else they’re used their values depleted. They’re gross. They’re ran through.
I'm disgusted at DA behavior after watching this and sad at he same time cause i wish my ex was a secureb person...i really hope to heal these emotions are killing me....
Disgusted? If you love the person you can find compassion within your anger even if you don’t want to be with them.
The person you claim to love suffered for a large portion of their life and developed differently than you. You both matter. I hope you both find healing.
They are like vultures. They fly around in circles over the victim. They stay out of reach. Then they come in to take a bite and then fly away again.
How deal with an avoidant? GTFO!!! Never date one.
@@wynnpiper6215 True. They have my sympathy in many ways. However they will loose it if they continue to do it over and over instead of working on themselves. We all have issues and trauma. That doesn’t excuse bad behavior though. Many of them already know something is wrong. But they are stubborn and won’t do anything about it.
Instead they sabotage other people and become self destructive.
Very sad.