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"No one will love you until you love yourself" and other harmful things we say...
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- "No one will love you until you love yourself" and other harmful things we say like "People treat you how you allow them to treat you", or "you can't love anyone unless you love yourself" can actually cause more harm than good. We end up victim blaming the victim in these scenarios, when they were not the ones at fault. Their only crime was expecting the world to not be a hard and cruel place. Some people are too kind for this world... and that is not their fault. People will treat us how they want to treat us. Let us learn patience, kindness and empathy. Let us teach one another boundaries with grace and kindness.
▬ Chapters ▬
00:00 "People only treat you how you allow them to treat you"
04:01 "That could never be me..."
06:20 the world is "unloving"
08:19 the right words at the right time
13:30 why we need boundaries
15:55 no one wants to be a "victim"
19:28 self love won't protect you from everything
27:16 it is our responsibility
30:01 you can't "make" anyone do anything
32:26 it's not your fault
32:52 I wish the world was kind...
33:24 give people grace to learn
34:39 self h*rm and medicating
content included: harmful phrases we say, no one will love you until you love yourself, people only treat you how you allow them to treat you, you attract who you are, victim blaming, be kind to others, learning compassion and kindness, creating a kinder world, how to be a good friend, empathetic Black women, victim blaming, victim mentality, healing diaries, love letters to Black women, reparation and care, be kind to people,
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Shweta Kukreja: "Don't offer a lecture to someone who needs a hug."
I love this... SO MUCH. 🥹🫂💛 Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
❤
🎤
Things my mom needs to internalize 😅
@@fortunamajor7239 😂😅💛🫂🌻
Also, other people LOVE separating themselves from victimized individuals as if they couldn't also be in that situation
Law 10 of the 48 laws of power
Exactly! I think this stems from fear. Ppl don't want to believe that xyz can happen to them. It's easier to pretend that they're superior.
Oooooooh, yes!
AAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!! I was thinking about you🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
@@levelupsinglemom6143 How You Doin 💅🏾*Wendy Williams voice*💕
Yes!!! People hold the victim accountable because they know that the oppressor cannot be won over by appeals to morality. It's a sick and twisted way to seek retribution for harm.
@mirisparkleslikewhoa you're AMAZING. 🫂🥰🌺💛🌻✨
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!!! This is what I feel! You expressed this so eloquently.
This is exactly my problem. We are seeking justice from the person who was harmed. It's a very heavy ask.
Bless you. Thank you! 🫂💛✨🥰
EXACTLY. Victim blaming
👏
It's the fruits of capitalism, racism, partriarchy, etc...the world has grown far from God.
@@AleciaRenece 🙏🏽🙏🏽💐 Thank you for your lovely reply. As a survivor of emotional abuse, among other things, this is something I saw in real time. I needed to understand it to start healing. Love your work, and thank you for facilitating the conversation. 😊
I agree that "You are who you attract" is also erroneous. There are plenty of lovely people who are targeted and manipulated by complete opposites all the time. That's nothing to do with who they are or their character. Empaths are easy prey to narcs for example.
This!!!! ❤❤❤
Exactly!!! I just said this!
I remember hearing someway say what you attract and endure shows how much you love yourself.That made me look at stuff differently.Like if a person is doing me wrong I can't control them but I can control walking away and moving on with my life compared to sitting and dealing with that person mistreating me because now im allowing this person to damage me and I put more value on them then myself.IDK I think time and mistakes build character and discernment for those of us who weren't as strong in that department early on.
Right there are authority figures that hate kind people and will harm us. We don't have any control over that:/
Thankkkkk uuuuuu
Some of this comes from the mindset that you should be tough enough to take almost anything, learn a "lesson," and "move on" regardless of what has happened, and do it immediately.
'In the meantime - let me show you love'. Beautifully said!
“this is my punishment for not loving myself.” this exact sentiment is what I have felt so deeply. At times I feel like somehow my inability to heal past my feelings of inadequacies are a justification for divine and external punishments. I am actively trying to do the work to release this belief.
Phew! I feel this DEEP! I'm sending you so much love. I've been caught in that spiral, as well. It is not fun and it feels like death. Because at the center, you think all of the bad things that happen to you are your own fault.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. For being vulnerable enough to share this.
This is what I'm trying to get at. The words we say csn put people in a prison where they are self harming themselves.
Then we think "this is what I deserve". We think we're unlovable and should be grateful for whatever affection we can get our hands on... so we stay in situations longer than we should (workplace, platonic relationships, romance, etc.).
1 Corinthians 13:7, says love believes all things. That's why most of us put up with bad behavior, we are loving. Regrettably the other party wasn't.
Wow!!! This is literally how I feel. You put it into words. Wow. I still feel like I deserve for bad things to happen to me. It is sad because I still feel this way at 32.
oh my goodness I’ve definitely felt this way completely🫶🏾
This happened to me when my engagement ended. I was told that I ignored red flags. In the relationship, I addressed concerns head-on, and I was still blamed and called difficult.
I'm sorry to hear that dear. May the God of life continue to give you strength and grace through it all. People should start admitting to being cowards and fearful for not confronting troublemakers. This world has grown far from God.
Yes! Bring back shaming abuse, not the abused.
Friends and family aren’t the only ones who do this… therapists may do this too… if so find a new therapist
THIS!! Thank you for sharing this. Some therapists unfortunately share this sentiment too and it's time to look for a new one if they do. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Yesss... therapist, doctors, judges all do this...
That's the most frustrating thing. It's like they prime us to have no boundaries because there is criticism for NOT leaving ourselves open to attack in every new situation. "Bitter" and "Jaded" are labels that shame someone for learning about red flags and erecting boundaries.
"They should have known" It's lose-lose and removes accountability from perpetrators.
I expect others to handle me with the same level of care and respect I handle myself with - if the behavior doesn't match, I try to remove myself as quickly as possible
ALLLLLLLLLL of this. And your first sentence struck me. We are PRIMED to not have boundaries.
Especially growing up religious?!?!?! I was not allowed to have boundaries. Boundaries were never taught to me. I was PUNISHED for saying "no".
I think we think everyone knows better, but some HONESTLY don't. 😭
It took me getting my heart broken multiple times by multiple people before I felt like I could have boundaries and not be a "Bad" person.
And YES!!! The people who say "No" are often judged for not being "nice". 😅 It's like.... You can't win! It just feels impossible.
I expect the SAME. I expect people to treat me as I treat them. I know everyone won't (cuz... people 😂), but that's my expectation.
Now that I am learning boundaries, and how to enforce them (which is REALLY HARD for me, by the way 😅 but we here trying our best 😂💛), I can remove myself, etc. But that initial harm still is so very difficult to work through.
Yes, many of us our have been taught to simply "suck it up," "keep your head up," "never let them see you sweat OR cry," and "keep it moving." This is why too many of us are physically exhausted, mentally overwhelmed, and spiritually detached. Thank you for sharing. People really need to hear this 💜
"you cant make people do right by you, but you can decide how often you let them do you wrong" -- it's not victim blaming or shaming the victim. its a reminder that you have agency and can set boundaries with anyone who is not doing right by you because if you dont know you're own boundaries, how will anyone know where they are?
I don't disagree with you. 💛
This wording is the compassionate and empowering version. Telling someone, however that they were harmed BECAUSE they allowed it is victim blaming. Leading with… “ well you allowed it” instead of “wow I’m so sorry that you experienced that” is victim blaming. It’s mean and insensitive and cruel. The loving part is helping that person realize that they DONT have to continually experience that hurt by using their agency, erecting boundaries, etc. And for the last part, I would say that while in some areas, a person cannot know how to treat you the way you need unless you set boundaries, in other areas, no one has to set boundaries for you to know it’s wrong. Many people know they are causing harm and they do so anyway. The reality is quite nuanced.
@@soul-deeplevel-up6179 there's no point in shouting to the heavens that "x person did me wrong" --- i mean sure...ok....now what are you going to do about it. if anyone is telling you that " you allowed it" , it's typically because you did and they've watched you get played multiple times by the same person. there's not much of a point in sitting in victimhood, but I understand that people get a kick out of making themselves victims.
I believe the reason we question our behaviour more than the person who has harmed us is because we can't change other people's behaviour, we can only change ours and ourselves.
Thousands of people will come across our lives. We have no influence whatsoever on their character, personality and so on. We do however have control over knowing ourselves better, loving ourselves, setting boundaries...
I completely understand that and agree. The first thing I ask myself when something happens to me is "what did I do wrong?"
That question has sent me spiraling and distrusting of myself. I'm still learning to trust myself.
I guess I think that a lot of people don't think that a lot of people are already blaming themselves for the harm they've experienced. 💛
We definitely need boundaries, for sure.
@@AleciaRenece "I guess I think that a lot of people don't think that a lot of people are already blaming themselves..." 💯
Indeed we need to be kind to others because we don't know what the other person is going/went through!
I used to also ask myself "what did I do wrong" or "why is this happening to me, I did nothing wrong".
Now I try to just say "you know what, this sucks. If I could choose, this wouldn't have happened. I've learned (...) and this will help me in the future.
But it's a process. Takes time. And I'm sllllooooooowwwwww 😅
@@MsFadirI love this so much!!! 🥹💛🫂🌻🌺 I wish someone would have given me that language earlier in life, but I'm so grateful that you shared them here.
This is SO freeing and empowering. Thank you so much for thiiiiis!
Imma write this down. Because my default is still "oh no... What did I do wrong?"
Bless you! Thank you so much! 💛💛💛💛💛
@@AleciaRenece That YOU! For your content.
And your music, btw 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
Love it!
I gathered that you are encouraging context when we are dealing with others - And I 100% agree - I also hear you are encouraging compassion and understanding - Love and expressing love is a moment by moment - This thing called life is a subjective existence - So context and nuisance is a thing to consider when we have discussions - I appreciate the discussion ❤
That “there’s nothing wrong with you” hit me heavy this morning. Thank you Alecia 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I’m amazed how ppl throw around arbitrary statements, quotes and platitudes to victims being harmed. How much you love yourself and boundaries takes the responsibility off the perpetrator(s) of harm.
I so needed this word today. Thank you sis.
And I don’t believe tough love has any place. Love is gentle and kind.
Yes - even therapists do this.
It's important to fight back even if you look like the villain, pure souls must learn this as soon as possible... humanity is dangerous to Itself..
Thank you for what you said during the 31:00 mark!!!!
Even if you believe someone is going to hurt you doesn't mean you KNOW!!
An it DOESN'T mean you DESERVE IT!!!
They ARE RESPONSIBLE!
HARD STOP!!
Another one is "you attract what you are." That is not true!!! You attract what you attract. None of us are special. And that is okay. Ugh 😂
Being dedicated to justice over convenience, now that's a word. 🙏🏿
There is victim blaming in saying that people only treat you how you allow them to. The truth is that you have no power on someone else behaviour. People will treat you how they want to and you get to decide whether to stay in the relationships (friends, family...) or cut loose.
Your channel is a balm to my soul. At times when viewing your content, I need to stop and breath, because your words are cleaning out these festering wounds I've been concealing for too long. I feel the shame that has held me in place, and I now clearly feel its suffocating grip. I was aware of the madness yet you confirming what I've taught myself to deny is liberating and empowering.
We as a people have learned to mainly live by slogans, sayings and/or scriptures in order to insulate ourselves from the harshness of overy day life. It makes it easier for us to claim plausible deniability enabling us to survive the burden of others. I used to do this too blindly, until I burned out, and realized that the people in my environment had no clue how to connect with my suffering. Now when I do it I'm able to assess the bs much faster, course correct and actually attempt to connect. It's a process of un/re-learning.
We are doing this. Love and support to all of us. ❤
My first abuser was my mother. I didn’t even have the conception that your body was something you had authority over because no one ever validated my autonomy. The person who was supposed to be protecting my boundaries was violating them. This world operates to protect abusers on both the interpersonal and institutional level.
My first abuser was also my mother.
3:58 yes our boundaries are not a guarantee we will not be harmed. Our boundaries guarantee we will know how to deal with the situation when someone oversteps the boundary.
This is EXACTLY it. 🥹🫂💛🌻 Thank you so much for sharing this. For clarifying this. Because I never even knew how to respond to someone crossing my boundaries. I was taught to keep forgiving, keep staying around people who hurt me. I was taught that was "loving". In a lot of situations, I wasn't even *allowed* to have and hold boundaries. 🥺
🙌🏾💛🌻 I'm unlearning so much.
@@AleciaRenece we all are. I engage people on that level, we are all learning. Self-responsibility isn’t blame. Self-accountability isn’t punishment. When most of our consciousness is UNconscious to us, we waste time in the realm of blame but blame is part of the collective story. You are a wonderful reminder that kindness goes a long way, with ourselves and with others and a little mine your own fucking business does wonders. 🌞😆🙏🏽🫂🙇😁
Alecia, You are indeed a healing artist. Your words and your music. Yes, I am about loving people back to or into WHOLENESS. I avoid saying 'the world' because it is OUR society that is allowing this degradation of humanity. There are more humane and welcoming places on God's green earth. Thank you for all you do!
I do agree. I don’t like that and I feel like it puts the onus for being treated poorly on the victim just as you said. WTH is that? I also don’t like this whole concept of you need to do all of this ‘work’ on yourself to be worthy of a relationship. At the same time you see people who clearly don’t do work on themselves at all being loved so how? Smh
This is so true! I have always felt that the way people treat you is about them, not you. It's crazy to me that people in our communities spew this nonsense given our mistreatment in this country. I don't think our ancestors were severely harmed and subjected to immense cruelty because they didn't love themselves, but because their oppressors were insecure. I don't think the child being bullied on the playground is because they don't love themselves, but because the one doing the bullying is being bullied at home. I also believe that victim blaming is a sort of transfer of guilt. When you blame someone else for the harm you have caused or want to cause you are now placing the blame on their shoulders so you can walk away without taking any accountability for your actions or as a justification of your wrongdoings (believe me when someone tells you "it's because you don't love yourself" they have either harmed someone in the past or they have thought about it)This country's very foundation was built on that nonsense and then passed down through generations. 32:50
🫂🫂🫂 I love you and thank you for THIS!! We don't have to internalize the harm that was done to us. Some people are just PREDATORS. 💯
I love you SO much 🥹🫂💛🌻🌺
@@AleciaRenece 🌻🌻🌻
also if you feel led could you make a video about people shaming people for having a victim mindset or when people are giving advice they say things like “ stop acting like a victim” I just feel like there’s no shame or harm in acknowledging that you were hurt it doesn’t make you weak to say I was a victim of “XYZ” it doesn’t take away your power. acknowledging I was a victim of abuse & many other things allowed me to give myself grace , my younger self compassion & not shame myself from not knowing that the perpetrators were going to cause harm.
denying people victimhood & not holding abusers accountable is victim blaming to me. I don’t know if you agree.
Oh my goodness I’ve been saying this forever. The victim blaming is all too real. I hate when people say they must like being treated that way. As in beat, abused or exploited. They say you should know better. It all gets on my nerves. It’s always you should have this or you should have that or they know better than to do that to me! If everyone was tough as nails this world would be a nasty place.
My husband passed away nine days ago. I’m already back at work, because they only give three days bereavement leave, and I don’t have much time off since I’ve been there less than a year. The same people who encouraged me to leave my job of 16 years with benefits, a pension, and ample time off are now criticizing me for not “standing up for myself” at the new job. Sure, drag the widow for being scared of losing her job while still grieving, because corporations don’t give a darn about people and will bully you, guilt you, manipulate you, whatever it takes to get you to do the work, no matter how you feel. It’s easy to tell a 50+ year old Black woman to “stop being so nice”…then blame her when she loses her job for standing up for herself.
I’m really sorry to hear about your loss, and I’m sorry to hear about your situation with work. I pray that God would intervene and help you with your situation, and may he restore your peace and joy in Jesus name, amen.
During different moments of my life I use and live mottos that I come up with.
Right now my motto is: "Stop saying stupid sh*t, Please."
I'm just tired of it.
I've been against platitudes and conventional wisdom for YEARS now.
I've believed they were and are harmful for so long....
Plus, it allows the speaker to get away without having to understand, be sympathetic, and attempt empathy.
To me, the best way is to let the person hurt feel their pain, sit with them in it, and/or ask questions.
Why is it so hard for so many to just ask me what this is like and what I need(then go and do that!)? Why is it so hard for people to ACTUALLY be different while they constantly say and think they are!?
Concern, care, & help are things we ALL need.❤
Victim blaming IS easy because they do not want to face what the abuser has done! - Alexia Renee💕
Peace, fam. Slight correction: Alecia Renece
Good Morning Beautiful! May this Monday be the start of a magnificent week 🥰🥰🥰
Hiiiiiiiii 🥰🫂💛✨🌻🌺 Good Morniiiiiing, Gorgeous!!! Happy Mondaaaaaaaaay 🫂💐 I hope this week is absolutely AMAZING!!!
ALL FACTS! Just because you can hurt someone doesn't mean you should. Stop blaming someone who got hurt because they are so nice or broken or fearful or simply unaware they were in the presence of an abuser!!!
Yeah I have never agreed with that statement because like what? I however see it a different way that a relationship feels healthier and better when you actually love yourself and identity without that person you’re with. It prevents you from sticking in bad situations and sabotaging good ones.
It’s crazy how when we have friends are we’re going through a period that’s quite tough and we don’t love ourselves so much, the friends and family are expected to be there but for some reason you don’t deserve the romantic love
This is a fascinating take, thank you for sharing. I spent the majority of my life feeling worthless, lacking self confidence, and battling self hatred and insecurities. The reason being is systems of abuse. After much healing, I found a lot of peace understanding my role and choices in picking abusive people, avoiding red flags etc due to lack of self love. Understanding I was complicit in my own pain was hard but beneficial. People who lack self love are worthy and deserving of love, and self love is a continuous journey. I agree that we should be harder on those who harm than those who are harmed. I also know healing, agency, self confidence and autonomy are KEY for realizing, escaping and dismantling systems of abuse
Victim blaming is demonic. Proverbs 25:11 is the Scripture that you're searching for.
Yeeeeeeeeeees!!!!! This is the oooone! Thank you so much!!! 🫂🌻💛🥹 And I completely agree. It's binding someone up, when we should be setting them free. 🌻 Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
Alecia I am dark skin, and plus size, with a huge gap. I feel gaslit by society when they are like “why don’t you love yourself and think you are beautiful?”
When they also the same society that calls me Rasputia, precious, and Florida Evans. (Notice I said fictional characters). They act like darkskin and fat is seen an beauty in this society went then punish me for not feeling beautiful,
I LOVE YOU! Coming from a fellow dark skinned sister, who shares your pain on a DAILY BASIS! We NEVER asked to be mistreated. People just NATURALLY have that dislike for us.
THANK YOU!!!! I’ve ALWAYS loved who I was both inside/out. Yet people STILL go out their way to just dislike me, for NO REASON.
Right. This stems from a narcissistic society. We wouldn’t say to a girl who has been raped, “Oh, you should love yourself.” Unmmm, no actually let’s oppose deviant people and have accountability for perpetrators.
“People will take and leave you for dead” I felt that and I needed to hear that thank you for this.
Being told this almost ended me so many times. Been isolating for 2 years and change. I gave up on letting things out cause I was called co-dependent by someone I thought I could trust. I just want this life thing to be done most days.
In the past, RUclips saw a significant trend surrounding the Law of Attraction, emphasizing individual responsibility for controlling thoughts to foster positivity. However, a critical issue arises when negative events occur, suggesting that individuals somehow attract such situations, placing undue blame on them. For instance, if a woman walking home with happy thoughts falls victim to an attack, proponents of the Law of Attraction might unjustly assign responsibility to her, overshadowing the culpability of the perpetrator.
Another prevalent phenomenon on RUclips revolves around the concept of "Chosen Ones." While it's unclear if these RUclipsrs are affiliated with an online cult, there's a noticeable sense of something amiss. Their talking points often touch on clichéd topics from Christianity, conspiracy theories, self-help, energy, vibration, karma, and the importance of cutting off certain people while listening more to intuition.
Look at how ressa teesa was received. A lot of women said it wouldn’t be them. A lot of people said she was treated that way because of her looks. It’s essentially blaming her for her own mistreatment. I think this happens a lot to women because often men are hurting us and we can’t hold them accountable
Idk because I look like reesa but I’m a lesbian. I still get the same treatment and pushback for romantic failures with no man involved.
@@easiersaidwithmeg right, I think 2 things can be true at once. There was a lot of fatphobia coming into play as well. Our society is stratified so men are first then women and within that category, the best treatment goes for thin women who are closest to white. When people get farther away from that, they’re more likely to be criticized and villainized for their pain. This happens even in homosexual relationships.
you're heard, and appreciated. we're all victims sometimes, and it absolutely doesn't make us weak.
Thank you for posting this! Beautifully said! You released me from childhood trauma of always being scolded and blamed for my own harm. Whether I scraped my knee or got beat up by a bully, I was blamed! I needed to hear this 🙌🏽
I absolutely agree with you!!!! Ppl treat you the way they want to irrespective of how we want them to. 😂 I can't with these asinine sayings. And what does love yourself so others can love you even mean?! The bottom line to me is, if you you are an elohssa to me, I'll be an elohssa to you! Facts 😅
And the shame that comes with it! I need to get out of this self shaming cycle for being mistreated!
Oh, my goodness…I had to comment on this, when I usually don’t. I can’t tell how many times I have gone to people with my pains, friends and family included, where I either get dismissed or blamed for the pain I’m experiencing. “I wouldn’t have done or said that “. Even in your physical pain, they tell you how you should act or what you should say, instead of you saying I hurt. No simplicity, no compassion in the words or if something is said that could be good…but the tone is messed up. Shade, nice nasty. It developed a mistrust in me I think that has limited my relationships , by being too closed off. People just don’t know how to care for others when they are in pain.
I think a more appropriate tip is learning how to be happy and secure within yourself so you won't fear feeling lonely or unloved if you have to end a relationship. It's way easier to leave or put up boundaries when you have self love and know what inner peace and happiness feels like before you got so close to an unhealthy person. This is basically the secure style attachment theory
20:46 RIGHT! OF COURSE predators will be drawn to you!
I think also maybe people dont like to admit the fact that loving someone who cant love themselves is emotionally labour intensive. But instead of accepting the weight of that labour and sharing it amongst our supporters, we try to reject it by trying to push the weight of that work back onto the other person. I feel like this low-key victim blaming usually comes out of us as supporters not doing the work to take care of ourselves while we are supporting another person. Instead of sharing the responsibility of the task we balk at the weight. It comes from a place of us not being able to give OURSELVES the love and support we we need in supporting someone else.
I highly recommend all about love by Bell hooks because she talks about self love cannot flourish in isolation and that changed my view on Self love.
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you so much for hearing my heart 🥹💛🫂🌻🌺
I think also we dont want to admit the fact that life is dangerous. Someone could do anything to you at any time, and you wont have control over it. I dont mean to say we have no control over our lives, but theres something about western thinking that makes people really over state how much we have that can really mess with our capacity for compassion. Anyway, great video.
Amen, I definitely believe that people are who they are and they treat the way they want to and ain't no amount of instruction I can give them, none of it will change who and what they are. Not to mention, people know right from wrong, they have free will and choice, so if they're behaving badly, its not my job to teach them how to believe better, I've decided that people show up who they are and its my decision to accept to reject or start to set boundaries. And as for loving ourselves first, you're right, our Mother's and caregivers loved us when we didn't even know how to. And I fundamentally believe that people who love, this is a choice without expectations or non-transactional, we all have the right to evolve into self love given a world that teaches us how to not to love ourselves. Thank you once again for helping me think and deconstruct these socially acceptable sayings that are sheer garbage.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!! It is the victim blamer's mindset to think 'It will never happen to me."
Gurl… your gonna get more subs, you always telling the truth!!!
I wish someone would do a psychological study on people who victim blame. I wonder if these people came from household where they were not held accountable for any of their actions they were able to say whatever and do whatever and now they’re narcissistic and more than likely experienced abuse and was denied comfort and/or an outlet.
It can take years for you to learn certain things and you may have to bump your head a hundred times to learn. It’s ok everyone learns at different times. What may take me 💯 times may take that person a thousand. It’s ok everyone is different also. When that person was going through it we wasn’t there so we don’t know what they put up with, but now they wanna bash you.
YESSS GIRL - only 6 mins into this but these are the buzz phrases our generation grew up with and they were so harmful and NEED to be called-out ❤ Thank you!
I wont lie, at first listening to this video I was like ehhh i dont know that I agree, I feel like people should have some accountability for "putting themselves" in certain situations. But Im glad I watched the entire video because I definitely realized that after years of being called too sensitive and too caring and being blamed for things I shouldnt have been blamed for, Ive become pretty insenstive to others as well. Sometimes it feels like if Im too empathetic, its a bad thing because ive been told that so often. Being sensitive is a blessing and allows me to connect and FEEL other people, and it makes me sad that ive allowed other people to make me feel otherwise and stray from who I truly am
I love this!!! I’ve been called “too sensitive” “too emotional” and told I “cry too much” also and I’ve always hated that. Like why am I wrong for feeling my feelings???
Thank you for this video. I used some of these phrases and did not realize how harmful they are. I think we say this because humanity is broken. Hurt people, hurt people. I need to unlearn a lot of things. I think part of the problem is that concept of “strength” and “ weakness.” We always praise the person that is successfully able to defend themselves. We as a society value them as dominate, empowered. We see victims as weak, a failure, who can’t “defend themselves.” As a result, we are so ashamed to be a victim, we have sugar coated it and say survivor.
It takes a long time to develop boundaries.
Thanks for this. I have often held the thought that I must love myself before others can love me but that's not true or healthy, as you say. People have already loved me and continue to do so despite my struggles and I feel the same way about other people I see struggling.
This is SUCH a good topic! 00:12:05 I know I don't handle when people vent to me about certain topics well and I try to communicate which topics those are.
I've found that those topics are things I've struggled with myself (like staying in abusive situations) and I can't handle the repeated venting because it's a backsliding trigger for me
Good point! 00:15:00 Intimate Partner vi0lence is committed by acquaintances the most
I am in the process of unlearning people pleasing with work, my marriage, family. All of my dynamics. I am not ok, but I am working on the process to get there
I always took it as learning from your past self.Like when you date depending on your life and upbringing, most people dont know what loving themselves intels. Most of us learned through unhealthy situations.I dont believe "not loving yourself" means you cant find love .I just think it means building your discernment up so you don't allow a person to play in your face for years or months accruing damage and loosing time.Just being able to nip it in the bud sooner.There are alot of users now lol but experience aka Self love lets you spot it out hopefully in enough time to know your value is not being seen by this individual whether friendship or lover.We are going to attract healthy and unhealthy people .I just believe when we dont love ourselves we allow the unhealthy to linger way to long.
I realized after being told these cliches all my life by friends family etc there broken themselves and that’s what they were told it’s sad a lot of us can’t be vulnerable around the ones we love
I agree, but I'd like to add there's a specific type of disapproval we assign to someone who's been fooled or tricked. I'm reading a book called "Foolproof" about this particularly American sentiment. Thanks for calling out our "blame the victim" response to hearing about harm.
CLICKED SOO FAST ! I’m glad somebody finally speaking on this
As you said sometimes theses statements can do more harm than good to some individuals who in fact don’t love themselves and don’t know how to tap into self love , sometimes it takes time to get to there . When it comes to statements like this I’ve learned to love the individual whether or not they love themselves , just give love . Don’t judge don’t mistreat , just love people love God and love self .
Thank you for voicing this. I agree with EVERYTING you said. You clarified how I was victimized over by people I trusted my hurt with, even my mother which was The Most Painful Abandonment I have experienced. 25:04
I am healing from being shamed and attracting people to relive my abandonment issues with.
People often attempt to offer tools to help the individual protect themselves in the future, hence the "personal accountability" rehetoric, which is necessary at some point. However often offering those tools can be pre-mature, when the person is initially seeking solace. Balance and timing is everything.
OMGoodness.....You are so soooo Right On.. people think it's like turning off a light switch. Oh my goodness this was such a good video.. Thank you
So very true!!!! Thank you!!!❤
Sometimes people blame the victim because it mentally insulates them from something bad happening to them.
5:30 This is SO TRUE. It makes it seem like you shouldn't be receiving love at your lowest, when you need it MOST!
Girl this video was fire. The passion/raw truth is so necessary in these times. ❤
You truly are a light to this world 🤍
Preach!
You are so insightful. Thank you for sharing your gift.
Yes people move off of ego not out of care . People who do that would rather tell people about themselves instead of doing their own inner work. This was one of the reasons why I walked away from a 10 year friendship
All facts and wisdom as usual!! I love your videos Alecia!! 🫂🫂🥰🥰
You can be kind to people and those same people can cuss u out!
Awe... Ok. Let.me clear this concept up for the young folk in the room.
Our boundaries and choice to love myself has absolutely nothing to do with how people will choose to treat you, and everything to do with how you will allow people to treat you.
I someone mistreats you when you are giving your best effort to be good. Your love of self will create the boundary. And it is now your responsibility to yourself to let that person know they crossed the line and that you will not allow that boundary to be crossed again. They then have to either accept it or reject it and you then can put space between you and them.
How you convey they message is up to the individual. But when you don't let people know how you feel when they do or say something that you don't like, you can expect that to happen again. Because what you accept from them is teaching them how to treat you.
I was 12 years old when I told my aunties that I felt like they did not like me and my mom, because they spoke bad things about her in front of me when she was not there. I said that I felt they were disrespecting me because I am a child, and that hurt my feelings gs. They apologized, hugged me close and we cried it out. And our relationship was stronger in the coming years. Because I loved myself enough, at 12 years old, to let my loved ones know that they were hurting me. And they cared enough and loved me enough to accept my truth, apologize and know going forward who I am. And that restored my respect for them and love them even more. And vice versa. They probably still spoke I'll of my mom, me too for that matter. But they never again did it in my presence.
So, as my Great Grand Mother used to say to me all the time, " Keep Living". You will learn what it means to love yourself and to understand what the Bible means when God said, "Cast not thy pearls before swine" in Matthew 7:6 . Even God wants you to set personal boundaries for yourself.
You just said everything I needed to hear
love at a distance is also abandonment.
3:16 ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ People that make it their business to try to get over will do that REGARDLESS!
....and i have seen so many people who have expressed "self-love" but have left a lot of scorched earth behind and have not loved but wanted to be loved
Indeed, people do what they want, no matter what terms they are used. I try to look more at energy, behavior and actions
I think this message packs weight...
Enjoyed reading some of the comments.
You never miss the mark . I enjoy your videos ! You articulate so well how I feel about things.
How did you know I needed this video today at this very moment!!!!!!
I love the way you think.
Hi Alecia, you articulate your argument very well, and I mostly agree with you. I feel the person you're describing is the exception not the rul. Here is my only push back: We developed those phrases because the majority of people cry wolf. Someone runs around crying, "No one loves me... woe is me! No one loves me!" Despite the evidence that said person has many people in their life who DO show them love. Someone finally stood up and exclaimed, "Chile, love yourself and stop worrying about how many other people love you!" There are too many people crying wolf and playing victim rather than being honest with themselves, taking responsibility for their choices/actions and stop being a forever victim. You can't "woo-woo-woo" (Sinclair from Living Single 😉) every crying friend. Some actually DO require tough love - (Khadijah from Living Single).
YES!!! I love this
You have such beautiful wisdom. ❤
I love your logic. 😂😂❤❤
i'm so happy I found your channel!