Hi and thanks for this video. --- In replying to your question: when I learned that unconscious death anxiety fuels the hot and cold reactions, this helped me make sense of most human social behaviors like the hot/cold dynamic.
Thank you; this is so illuminating and helpful. Long before I watched this video, I internally compared myself to a blank canvas on which other people like to spray paint their personalities. To hear this syndrome explained in such specific and clear terms is a great solace.
I can relate - probably more than I care to admit, because it was saddening every single time. Since I was a kid I had people who would cling onto me on their first interactions and attentively listen to everything I was saying then suddenly distance themselves. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me for years. Eventually I grew up and external validation became less and less important to me. But it was not until I had a few interesting conversations decades later with the same people - that I realized what you mentioned in this video. And to add to it, people tend to take for granted altruistic folks - and counterintuitively enough even turn on them on certain social situations. And this flipping was consistent whenever I hinted about a double standard… they freaked the F out, although they would gladly chastised others for the very same offense. The more I saw the pattern the more I realized that I was better alone (not lonely) than in bad company. I practice the same principle to this day. It’s liberating.
I rarely ever perceive anyone as admiring me. Very very rarely. Most of the time I feel like people are tolerating me, barely. And they only tolerate me when I'm small and compliant and happy and focused on them. I'm thrilled now to leave that box because I see that it never benefited me. It is so painful to be treated like I'm a threat. It started with my parents, I dont deserve to be treated this way, and I'm not doing engaging with their projections anymore. I'm not responsible for their expectations. I'm allowed to be myself, regardless of how it affects others. If they run away they run away. More likely I'll be the one ghosting them. And I walk away with peace either way.
What exactly do you mean by "treated like a threat"? Do you have real life examples? I relate to your entire comment apart from this sentence, maybe because I've perceived myself to be of low worth my whole life (only now changing this), I can't imagine the thought of being a threat to someone.
I feel like I am treated like a threat by my two siblings because as long as I am "small and compliant and happy and focused on them" they tolerate me. They can do and say what they want but if I ruffle their feathers like say something they don't want to hear they are shocked and upset and accuse me of stuff. That is how I understood it.@@shockedpikachuface7376
I have found that a number of people have ghosted me when they finally got the fact that I knew who they really were. They had been seen and they didn’t like it. Truth is, I’d always known who they were, and I loved them as they were, but they didn’t want anyone to see that part of themselves and so I had to go. It was very confusing at the time but as time passes their actions made sense and it didn’t hurt quite as badly.
A way to reframe the language here re: being admired / put on a pedestal by others is that people treat INFJs as emotional sponges / free therapists, expecting limitless empathy as though we don't have real opinions, needs, or personalities. This reframe helps to capture that they're not really admiring anything, just extracting our emotional labor. I appreciate the speaker's insight that we ultimately just need to show up more fully and take up more space sooner so as to avoid being used in this way.
What motivates the infj is the vision that is in them and infjs are admired actually because of the vision which makes us move and those who end up distancing themselves from us is due to the fact that they are starting to see and understand some part of our vision but they hate that and those who are our true friends are those who love our universal vision
As an INFJ, I have door-slammed the people I love most to save them from me. It took me many years to see that in myself. I do not ever intend to hurt people. I want to live in peace, and I want those I love to be happy. That is the extent of our compassion, which is almost impossible to explain to 90% of neurotypical people. They will hate you.
My energy somehow triggers their core wounds. First they are all in, then they feel intimidated, because I know and they can feel it, they want to hide. And the easy way out is to ghost. Surely they can't grasp how frustrating that is for me, but they dont seem to care. I dont feel disappointed anymore and I dont take it personally. After all I learn a lot from this encounters We as INFJs need to understand that ghosting is a blessing, frustrating and painful, yes, but deep down we already know what kind of person we are dealing with. We like to think otherwise bc we have needs too and want so badly to be understood and taken for who we are. But in the long run these ppl are not meant for us. They show by ghosting and that is all the conclusion we get Rise and shine !
It is hard, we want connection but often the people who seek us only want everything to be about themselves; and the ones that might like us for who we are, can't approach us cause we set these unvoluntary boundaries.
I be ghosting ppl now because ik my value and I make the moment, while people get caught in it. When I was immature I'd become a role player in other people's movies. Now I'm the star period. . .
I feel as an INFJ, most people like me at first as long as I am agreeing with them in their opinions, etc. As soon as I have a different opinion or show that I have a more tough side to me, that's when people tend to pull away and distance themselves. I feel it's always been hard to make friends. I also have found that even when I've tried to make friends, the person will be the one to suggest hanging out, to a see a movie, work on a project, etc, but the moment I am interested in hanging out with said person, that person pulls away and acts busy all the time. It's very confusing because it makes me unsure of how to go about making friends.
I spent 18 years being hollow and letting my spouse project onto me. When I finally revealed myself because I couldn’t hide anymore… Divorce. If you feel inauthentic with your partner please take off the mask sooner and find a person who accepts and loves the real you. Words cannot express the feelings they had and I had. Being empathetic I felt it from both sides 😢
TBH people in general disappoint me after I get to know them for a while - I accept their weaknesses/limitations/fakeness. And because I really hate BS, I don't attempt to put up personas like most people do to please other people or to be seen a certain way in the presence of whomever. Lots of people find that honesty disconcerting, especially as I get older, I am more prone to verbalize the BS for what it is. So yeah, ghosting comes with the territory but then I have become my own best friend and company so while I appreciate the company of others and am happy to be included - I no longer seek it out nor feel left out. Have also been going through StrengthFinders workshop which focuses more on work related strengths and it's really interesting when I combine the MBTI traits with StrengthFinder traits to understand why I do the things I do, or think the way I think.
This literally happened to me a year ago. They were almost infatuated with me but I still respected them and decided to give them a chance . The moment we start dating, I turned into the worst person they ever met lol.
It happens to me all the time. And it's quite painful because then I have nearly no friends because they are ghosting me. There is people admiring me and then it's all gone. Makes me feel unworthy of love and friendship 💔😥😓
This feels brutaly on-point. I have experienced this dynamic very often. I find it hard to bear the shaming and blaming, that I often feel in the second half...
Hang onto your perception of yourself, like your character and your intentions. There is nothing shameful about you. Don't fall into the projections and their narratives because basically, they're wrong.
I find it rather amusing how on point this is and I'm curious if other personality types have similar issues. Sometimes, it feels like we INFJ's are completely alien to this world.
I come off as either mean or arrogant. But when people start talking to me everyone is shocked to find out that I'm really kind and accepting. I think women actually find me more attractive when they actually talk to me. And I do come across hot/cold moments. Mostly because I think that some probably don't think who I am is authentic
I always love your videos. I've never related with an individual harder than I have you. You've helped me cultivate an anchor within myself, and brought clarity to what is. I appreciate you.
For me, it was traumatic, althoughg it wasn't admiration to start, just a friendship - the person felt that I was totally fake when they saw a side of me that didn't fit their perfect selfless vision and they retaliated by trying to destroy my life. Its been something very hard to deal with in a small town where everyone know eveyone's business. I so wish it had just been ghosting but instead it triggered something really out of control. Thanks you for this video, its explained a lot of what happened - them trying to regain their power and control of the situation by humiliating me which convices you even more that you cant fit in or have friends.
As an INFJ, there is this feeling and urge that I want to help others and be good to others but once I said no and embrace my boundaries because im always the one giving there is this thought i've hurt them even if I have this good intention, with this made me overthink and became anxious because I dont want to hurt them, I just want to embrace myself even if I can still give.
5 REASONS THE INFJ GETS FIRST ADMIRED… BUT THEN GHOSTED : 1. The INFJ is the perfect projection -> 1:12 2. The INFJ feels like a safe person -> 3:39 3. The INFJ is extremely empathetic. -> 5:55 4. The INFJ actually has some kind of interest back in that person -> 7:35 5. They recognize how powerful the INFJ actually is -> 11:31
This was hard to hear even though I knew it, but I still don't know how to escape this cycle because once people distance themselves it just feels as a confirmation of my sense of inferiority which makes me even smaller and the circle goes round and round
I'll still tend to hang back and observe. And people will probably build up some notion of me before talking to me. The thing is, i think they have tended to reject me instead of having some perfect ideal of me (lately, a lot of people have been really nice to me, which has been very different and confusing experience for me).
Same here! The less I care & just be my true self, the nicer people are to me. I'm no longer a groveling people-pleaser & I've never been happier. I'm alone a lot, but that's okay because, even though my past is pretty dark, I'm different now because I finally know who I am and why my life took the trajectory it did. I'm a grandmother now, but as we know, INFJs age in reverse😊
This one really hit home. Especially #4 - We have an interest back to the person." You also mentioned that they often find out that we aren't what they thought, and they pull us off the pedestal. When that happens to me, I often feel insecure and it shows - and then comes the ridiculing and gaslighting. And yes, I've been ghosted. But after going through some painful times with this dynamic and getting thoroughly fed up, I actually did a ghosting of my own choice. During this time, I learned about the importance of keeping my life own goals, preferences and activities in front of me all the time, and making that my priority instead of centering it solely on a "relationship." Relationships need to benefit both sides to be of any value to either side Good video, Wenzes.
Soo complex as if this situation is a life long blind spot and then you explain it in couple of minutes.. thanks Wenzes soo appreciate you. ❤ Go forth INFJs let’s do our magic unapologetically! 🎈🎈🎈
That's the world we live in disgustingly selfish, we start a friendship by being helpful, which is no crime, then when we express a reasonable need for ourselves they get mad you know what those people are garbage
Don't look at me. Get out of my space. Get the mirror out of my face. Just leave me alone. Get out of my place. There is no room around my space. Alone dark and cold is where I fly. You wanna why? Cause when no one sees. I decide.
Omg, I helped out an older guy after knee surgery and then he started immediately started talking about things like the symphony. Not this old punk girl, total projection
What have your experiences as an INFJ been like with his hot/cold dynamic?
Hi and thanks for this video. --- In replying to your question: when I learned that unconscious death anxiety fuels the hot and cold reactions, this helped me make sense of most human social behaviors like the hot/cold dynamic.
This effected me quite badly so much that after surviving such situations I have got more powerful and even I understand such situation well
Thank you; this is so illuminating and helpful. Long before I watched this video, I internally compared myself to a blank canvas on which other people like to spray paint their personalities. To hear this syndrome explained in such specific and clear terms is a great solace.
I can relate - probably more than I care to admit, because it was saddening every single time. Since I was a kid I had people who would cling onto me on their first interactions and attentively listen to everything I was saying then suddenly distance themselves. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me for years.
Eventually I grew up and external validation became less and less important to me. But it was not until I had a few interesting conversations decades later with the same people - that I realized what you mentioned in this video. And to add to it, people tend to take for granted altruistic folks - and counterintuitively enough even turn on them on certain social situations. And this flipping was consistent whenever I hinted about a double standard… they freaked the F out, although they would gladly chastised others for the very same offense. The more I saw the pattern the more I realized that I was better alone (not lonely) than in bad company. I practice the same principle to this day. It’s liberating.
like taking a hot shower and then an ice cold shower, its good for you.
I rarely ever perceive anyone as admiring me. Very very rarely. Most of the time I feel like people are tolerating me, barely. And they only tolerate me when I'm small and compliant and happy and focused on them. I'm thrilled now to leave that box because I see that it never benefited me. It is so painful to be treated like I'm a threat. It started with my parents, I dont deserve to be treated this way, and I'm not doing engaging with their projections anymore. I'm not responsible for their expectations. I'm allowed to be myself, regardless of how it affects others. If they run away they run away. More likely I'll be the one ghosting them. And I walk away with peace either way.
What exactly do you mean by "treated like a threat"? Do you have real life examples? I relate to your entire comment apart from this sentence, maybe because I've perceived myself to be of low worth my whole life (only now changing this), I can't imagine the thought of being a threat to someone.
Well said as I can totally relate!!
Same
You are spot on the admiration part. I know most people only tolerate me. 😬 It feels like words not spoken.
I feel like I am treated like a threat by my two siblings because as long as I am "small and compliant and happy and focused on them" they tolerate me. They can do and say what they want but if I ruffle their feathers like say something they don't want to hear they are shocked and upset and accuse me of stuff. That is how I understood it.@@shockedpikachuface7376
I have found that a number of people have ghosted me when they finally got the fact that I knew who they really were. They had been seen and they didn’t like it. Truth is, I’d always known who they were, and I loved them as they were, but they didn’t want anyone to see that part of themselves and so I had to go. It was very confusing at the time but as time passes their actions made sense and it didn’t hurt quite as badly.
Well said!
Yes yes yes! Once we “get” them, they run!
A way to reframe the language here re: being admired / put on a pedestal by others is that people treat INFJs as emotional sponges / free therapists, expecting limitless empathy as though we don't have real opinions, needs, or personalities. This reframe helps to capture that they're not really admiring anything, just extracting our emotional labor. I appreciate the speaker's insight that we ultimately just need to show up more fully and take up more space sooner so as to avoid being used in this way.
What motivates the infj is the vision that is in them and infjs are admired actually because of the vision which makes us move and those who end up distancing themselves from us is due to the fact that they are starting to see and understand some part of our vision but they hate that and those who are our true friends are those who love our universal vision
As an INFJ, I have door-slammed the people I love most to save them from me. It took me many years to see that in myself. I do not ever intend to hurt people. I want to live in peace, and I want those I love to be happy. That is the extent of our compassion, which is almost impossible to explain to 90% of neurotypical people. They will hate you.
It’s better to be hated for who you are than to be like for who you’re not.
Authenticity is the only freedom in this life. So thrive in your truth 🫶🏾
So very true and enlightened😊😊😊😊😊
My energy somehow triggers their core wounds. First they are all in, then they feel intimidated, because I know and they can feel it, they want to hide. And the easy way out is to ghost.
Surely they can't grasp how frustrating that is for me, but they dont seem to care.
I dont feel disappointed anymore and I dont take it personally.
After all I learn a lot from this encounters
We as INFJs need to understand that ghosting is a blessing, frustrating and painful, yes, but deep down we already know what kind of person we are dealing with. We like to think otherwise bc we have needs too and want so badly to be understood and taken for who we are. But in the long run these ppl are not meant for us.
They show by ghosting and that is all the conclusion we get
Rise and shine !
So true
Yes
It is hard, we want connection but often the people who seek us only want everything to be about themselves; and the ones that might like us for who we are, can't approach us cause we set these unvoluntary boundaries.
Who needs the admiration of abusers and narcissists😊
Yep
💯😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
I be ghosting ppl now because ik my value and I make the moment, while people get caught in it. When I was immature I'd become a role player in other people's movies. Now I'm the star period. . .
❤
Period..... ❤
I feel as an INFJ, most people like me at first as long as I am agreeing with them in their opinions, etc. As soon as I have a different opinion or show that I have a more tough side to me, that's when people tend to pull away and distance themselves. I feel it's always been hard to make friends. I also have found that even when I've tried to make friends, the person will be the one to suggest hanging out, to a see a movie, work on a project, etc, but the moment I am interested in hanging out with said person, that person pulls away and acts busy all the time. It's very confusing because it makes me unsure of how to go about making friends.
I spent 18 years being hollow and letting my spouse project onto me. When I finally revealed myself because I couldn’t hide anymore… Divorce.
If you feel inauthentic with your partner please take off the mask sooner and find a person who accepts and loves the real you. Words cannot express the feelings they had and I had. Being empathetic I felt it from both sides 😢
I dont even care anymore
I feel like that is the direction I am going also. Not with all though.
Same.
Bruh same 😩
TBH people in general disappoint me after I get to know them for a while - I accept their weaknesses/limitations/fakeness. And because I really hate BS, I don't attempt to put up personas like most people do to please other people or to be seen a certain way in the presence of whomever. Lots of people find that honesty disconcerting, especially as I get older, I am more prone to verbalize the BS for what it is. So yeah, ghosting comes with the territory but then I have become my own best friend and company so while I appreciate the company of others and am happy to be included - I no longer seek it out nor feel left out. Have also been going through StrengthFinders workshop which focuses more on work related strengths and it's really interesting when I combine the MBTI traits with StrengthFinder traits to understand why I do the things I do, or think the way I think.
This literally happened to me a year ago. They were almost infatuated with me but I still respected them and decided to give them a chance . The moment we start dating, I turned into the worst person they ever met lol.
Why is this fruit sour but it looks great, haha.
It happens to me all the time. And it's quite painful because then I have nearly no friends because they are ghosting me. There is people admiring me and then it's all gone. Makes me feel unworthy of love and friendship 💔😥😓
I run away from the girls who come at me too strong. They will change feelings just as fast.
This feels brutaly on-point. I have experienced this dynamic very often. I find it hard to bear the shaming and blaming, that I often feel in the second half...
Hang onto your perception of yourself, like your character and your intentions. There is nothing shameful about you. Don't fall into the projections and their narratives because basically, they're wrong.
Thank you for this comment@@jnl3564
I find it rather amusing how on point this is and I'm curious if other personality types have similar issues. Sometimes, it feels like we INFJ's are completely alien to this world.
I come off as either mean or arrogant. But when people start talking to me everyone is shocked to find out that I'm really kind and accepting. I think women actually find me more attractive when they actually talk to me. And I do come across hot/cold moments. Mostly because I think that some probably don't think who I am is authentic
Esattamente quello che succede da sempre a me
It's as simple as that: if someone ghosted me, I ghost them back. It seems pointless to focus your attention on something that isn't worth it.
I always love your videos. I've never related with an individual harder than I have you. You've helped me cultivate an anchor within myself, and brought clarity to what is. I appreciate you.
For me, it was traumatic, althoughg it wasn't admiration to start, just a friendship - the person felt that I was totally fake when they saw a side of me that didn't fit their perfect selfless vision and they retaliated by trying to destroy my life. Its been something very hard to deal with in a small town where everyone know eveyone's business. I so wish it had just been ghosting but instead it triggered something really out of control. Thanks you for this video, its explained a lot of what happened - them trying to regain their power and control of the situation by humiliating me which convices you even more that you cant fit in or have friends.
that was a narcassist
As an INFJ, there is this feeling and urge that I want to help others and be good to others but once I said no and embrace my boundaries because im always the one giving there is this thought i've hurt them even if I have this good intention, with this made me overthink and became anxious because I dont want to hurt them, I just want to embrace myself even if I can still give.
I am really grateful you and your channel exist 🥺. I am so in this situation right now.
5 REASONS THE INFJ GETS FIRST ADMIRED… BUT THEN GHOSTED :
1. The INFJ is the perfect projection -> 1:12
2. The INFJ feels like a safe person -> 3:39
3. The INFJ is extremely empathetic. -> 5:55
4. The INFJ actually has some kind of interest back in that person -> 7:35
5. They recognize how powerful the INFJ actually is -> 11:31
This was hard to hear even though I knew it, but I still don't know how to escape this cycle because once people distance themselves it just feels as a confirmation of my sense of inferiority which makes me even smaller and the circle goes round and round
I'll still tend to hang back and observe. And people will probably build up some notion of me before talking to me. The thing is, i think they have tended to reject me instead of having some perfect ideal of me (lately, a lot of people have been really nice to me, which has been very different and confusing experience for me).
Same here! The less I care & just be my true self, the nicer people are to me. I'm no longer a groveling people-pleaser & I've never been happier. I'm alone a lot, but that's okay because, even though my past is pretty dark, I'm different now because I finally know who I am and why my life took the trajectory it did. I'm a grandmother now, but as we know, INFJs age in reverse😊
This one really hit home. Especially #4 - We have an interest back to the person." You also mentioned that they often find out that we aren't what they thought, and they pull us off the pedestal. When that happens to me, I often feel insecure and it shows - and then comes the ridiculing and gaslighting. And yes, I've been ghosted.
But after going through some painful times with this dynamic and getting thoroughly fed up, I actually did a ghosting of my own choice. During this time, I learned about the importance of keeping my life own goals, preferences and activities in front of me all the time, and making that my priority instead of centering it solely on a "relationship."
Relationships need to benefit both sides to be of any value to either side
Good video, Wenzes.
Soo complex as if this situation is a life long blind spot and then you explain it in couple of minutes..
thanks Wenzes soo appreciate you. ❤
Go forth INFJs let’s do our magic unapologetically!
🎈🎈🎈
What a great video. really helpful. Thanks!
You are really perceptive. Yes, this explains what has happened to me often.
That's the world we live in disgustingly selfish, we start a friendship by being helpful, which is no crime, then when we express a reasonable need for ourselves they get mad you know what those people are garbage
I’m a human Venn diagram of INFJ personality type, Quiet BPD and Neurodivergent. Life is… challenging
Don't look at me.
Get out of my space.
Get the mirror out of my face.
Just leave me alone.
Get out of my place.
There is no room around my space.
Alone dark and cold is where I fly.
You wanna why?
Cause when no one sees.
I decide.
Wow I was wondering about this before the video was uploaded!
Every romantic relationship in my life.
This is Gold!!!🎯🎯
Whoa. So true!
Thank you this is very good information.
Wenzes, this is so clearly explained. Thanks! 🤗
Not admired, but definitely ghosted 🤷♀️
This video really helped me. Thank you!
Insightful commentary. ✌️😎 5:04
sure, people are around as long as we do what they want. They won't spare our feelings or anything, people will demand whatever to stay in our lives.
As an INFJ Guy experiencing this with pretty girls in particular gets quite frustrating haha
What if the pretty girl is also an INFJ?
Nah INFJ Gals are the best.They are a different breed of cool but I've only ever met 2@@HerbnAura
Dam so true
Wow
Omg, I helped out an older guy after knee surgery and then he started immediately started talking about things like the symphony. Not this old punk girl, total projection
Kinda like baseball.
3 strikes and ya out a there
Just happend to me haha…
🎨💜💜💜💜💜🖌
❤❤❤