I was told I was so bad I caused my father's suicide attempt and depression, and from that his job loss and all the money problems. And that I was making both their lives "miserable". At 8.
I've come across more and more disingenuous-sounding comments like one here trying to be "funny". Warning others, might be time to pull back from commenting.
Hi Tim. This video was so fantastic, man. When it popped up I really resisted listening to it, because I did not want to-but I am very glad I did (sort of, to be honest). Lots of food for thought (and feeling) that I need to face, acknowledge and untimately tackle. As more of a baseball ⚾️ guy than a football guy I drive to do that in a gentler way with myself. But it is tricky. God bless you and much thanks, JV Johnny 🐺👟⚾️🏰
😮 How can he BE so Spot On EVERY time he gives a presentation?!? Whoa. Thankful for Tim and that God has been at work waking me up to my LIES (AKA Denial). The more we walk in darkness the more confusing life becomes. The light of truth is the (painful) remedy to clarity AND JOY 🙌🏻
You communicate clearly, calmly, and kindly. You listen and validate, and instead of trying to "correct" their view, you state "I hear you, AND I'd like to share my view and why I see it differently". Either they can participate or not. Our boundaries are not weapons, but a safety perimeter for us. Usually, when people want us to go along with a narrative...they feel very unsafe. The denial is a wall against seeing/feeling. If you can see their pain, fear, need for safety, it helps you to not take their denial personally. However, you can state your reality and how you will not collude with them, with their version of events. Don't waste your energy trying to change their view, but do stand up for yourself in a healthy way.
@@Alphacentauri819 that's what it feels like, like I'm enabling it, if I ignore it. When I attempt to state that I have a different stance, I am instantly taken as offensive. Anything outside the specific narrative is considered hostile and is targeted. When the narrative includes that I have certain feelings and beliefs, it is difficult for me to walk away knowing they will continue to function towards me as if their projections are my truth. Unfortunately I can't cut the two people in my life out, not without some form of support network, I have a toddler. If it was just me, I'd like to think I could sleep on couches and eat ramen, and be fine without the network.
@@PaigeSquared I highly, highly suggest the book "Stop caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist." Excellent book for adjusting one's paradigms. I have no current social support, outside of my therapist & have a high needs child (due to medical issues). I used to work in critical care, and had to quit due to my youngest child being born 3 months early and 2 months in the NICU. The relationship with the ex (who was later diagnosed with Aspergers) was fraught with interactions like you described. My sister has borderline traits (I suspect full blown BPD and otter comorbid things) and is like that as well, I haven't spoken to her in years. I would show up for her, but it wasn't reciprocal. I check in with my mom, but she rarely checks in with me. I had to learn to become empowered, I had to stop fighting reality. People will do what they do. It is up to us to deal with our core wounds, our cognitive distortions, our narratives. Whenever we get too invested in "convincing" anyone else, trying to change them, get them to understand, we are often creating additional suffering for ourselves. If we have learned helplessness, we are more apt to be stuck and not see the myriad of potential solutions that do exist. If we do not have a consistently calm nervous system, emotional regulation, we will often have tunnel vision...which means we cannot see much, including solutions. I wouldn't engage if you keep getting the same responses. Unless you want to cause yourself more frustration. Grey rock if you have to. You do not need anyone else's agreement, validation, to go on. You need yours. If you can't walk away from someone disagreeing with your version of events, reality....this points to a deep inner child wound. Attending to your inner child, is a much, much better, kinder, use of your time. It will make interactions with people less triggering. Imagine if someone called you a 3 headed purple polka dotted giraffe! Would you be that invested in "fixing" the narrative? Probably not. Why? Because there is not a core wound within you about it. You know it's not true, and it's absurd. I'm a grandparent (youngest is 11, oldest 26), I've worked with thousands of patients, and am now working towards a neuroscience degree...the more we understand, work on ourselves, the less we take personally. When we heal our inner child, show up in ways that are aligned with reality, less suffering (our mental interpretation), we can show up for our children best. Their nervous system feeds off of ours. Our energy is best served doing all we can to get that healthy, vs engaging in "correcting" others perceptions.
Denial can be a good thing actually. I tryed hard to deal with the knowledge that what my parents did to my body ruined some parts of my life for all eternaty. As I found out by accident what they really did and how lucky i was that my brain is still working not only normal but satisfying I had to take pills for weeks, no matter how I just couldn't deal with this knowledge. Now I tryed denial again, could stop the pills nearly immedially.
8:36 There's a 3rd scenario... yes I have a problem, yes there are things I can do about it, YES, other people can interfere with my progress AGAIN, just like has happened repeatedly in the past.
My son died of cancer 2 yrs ago at the age of 45. During the 3 years of chemo and multiple surgeries I never once thought he was going to die. Even on the last day, while sitting next to his bed, I still thought he would wake up. In my mind, he was just napping. And then he died. Two years later I still dont believe it. Denial has been my only form of survival for the past 5 years. I just cant accept it.
Parents shouldn't have to bury their children. That's a terrible loss. Your denial has given you the gift of processing the loss more slowly. I'm sending you love and sympathy💙🎍
There is blaming others when its my fault, but there is blaming others with in FACT IT IS THERE FAULT! Also everyone THINKS they KNOW what the truth is!
There are many, many videos on the concept of counter dependency...however, if you are stuck on that exact term, you'll miss them. Dismissive avoidant attachment style is counter dependent, forms of narcissism are often counter dependent, addicts are sometimes counter-dependent. Codependents can be counter dependent too, it can be a overly dependent to pushing away dynamic (also seen in fearful avoidant attachment style and BPD). Cptsd is at the root of most codependent and counter dependent behaviors...which Tim describes at a depth rarely seen. He may not use that term, but he describes them.
I'm so grateful for Tim Fletcher.
I was told I was so bad I caused my father's suicide attempt and depression, and from that his job loss and all the money problems. And that I was making both their lives "miserable". At 8.
I'm sorry that happened to you. People are able to justify abusing their children like this with surprising ease. I wish you healing.
I’m so sorry these things were blamed on you. Hope you know you were never the problem!
Dear God, wow. You must have been an evil genius at 8 to accomplish all of that!
I've come across more and more disingenuous-sounding comments like one here trying to be "funny". Warning others, might be time to pull back from commenting.
@@mores5780 Relax, I was sympathizing with you! Of course no child should be accused of anything like that, that is awful.
DENIAL: Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying 😊
Lol I remember lying about never lying - when I was on my high horse telling myself I don't lie, why do other people lie😅
Hi Tim. This video was so fantastic, man. When it popped up I really resisted listening to it, because I did not want to-but I am very glad I did (sort of, to be honest). Lots of food for thought (and feeling) that I need to face, acknowledge and untimately tackle. As more of a baseball ⚾️ guy than a football guy I drive to do that in a gentler way with myself. But it is tricky. God bless you and much thanks, JV Johnny 🐺👟⚾️🏰
thank you so very much, Tim.
😮 How can he BE so Spot On EVERY time he gives a presentation?!? Whoa. Thankful for Tim and that God has been at work waking me up to my LIES (AKA Denial). The more we walk in darkness the more confusing life becomes. The light of truth is the (painful) remedy to clarity AND JOY 🙌🏻
Very very helpful as always. Thank you 💜
Well done. Thank you.
Thank you! Very helpful information!
How do you deal with someone who is offended that you're not willing to go along with their denial narrative?
You communicate clearly, calmly, and kindly. You listen and validate, and instead of trying to "correct" their view, you state "I hear you, AND I'd like to share my view and why I see it differently". Either they can participate or not. Our boundaries are not weapons, but a safety perimeter for us.
Usually, when people want us to go along with a narrative...they feel very unsafe. The denial is a wall against seeing/feeling.
If you can see their pain, fear, need for safety, it helps you to not take their denial personally. However, you can state your reality and how you will not collude with them, with their version of events. Don't waste your energy trying to change their view, but do stand up for yourself in a healthy way.
@@Alphacentauri819well said!
@@Alphacentauri819 that's what it feels like, like I'm enabling it, if I ignore it. When I attempt to state that I have a different stance, I am instantly taken as offensive. Anything outside the specific narrative is considered hostile and is targeted. When the narrative includes that I have certain feelings and beliefs, it is difficult for me to walk away knowing they will continue to function towards me as if their projections are my truth.
Unfortunately I can't cut the two people in my life out, not without some form of support network, I have a toddler. If it was just me, I'd like to think I could sleep on couches and eat ramen, and be fine without the network.
@@PaigeSquared I highly, highly suggest the book "Stop caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist." Excellent book for adjusting one's paradigms.
I have no current social support, outside of my therapist & have a high needs child (due to medical issues). I used to work in critical care, and had to quit due to my youngest child being born 3 months early and 2 months in the NICU.
The relationship with the ex (who was later diagnosed with Aspergers) was fraught with interactions like you described. My sister has borderline traits (I suspect full blown BPD and otter comorbid things) and is like that as well, I haven't spoken to her in years. I would show up for her, but it wasn't reciprocal. I check in with my mom, but she rarely checks in with me.
I had to learn to become empowered, I had to stop fighting reality. People will do what they do. It is up to us to deal with our core wounds, our cognitive distortions, our narratives. Whenever we get too invested in "convincing" anyone else, trying to change them, get them to understand, we are often creating additional suffering for ourselves. If we have learned helplessness, we are more apt to be stuck and not see the myriad of potential solutions that do exist. If we do not have a consistently calm nervous system, emotional regulation, we will often have tunnel vision...which means we cannot see much, including solutions.
I wouldn't engage if you keep getting the same responses. Unless you want to cause yourself more frustration. Grey rock if you have to.
You do not need anyone else's agreement, validation, to go on. You need yours. If you can't walk away from someone disagreeing with your version of events, reality....this points to a deep inner child wound. Attending to your inner child, is a much, much better, kinder, use of your time. It will make interactions with people less triggering.
Imagine if someone called you a 3 headed purple polka dotted giraffe! Would you be that invested in "fixing" the narrative? Probably not. Why? Because there is not a core wound within you about it. You know it's not true, and it's absurd.
I'm a grandparent (youngest is 11, oldest 26), I've worked with thousands of patients, and am now working towards a neuroscience degree...the more we understand, work on ourselves, the less we take personally. When we heal our inner child, show up in ways that are aligned with reality, less suffering (our mental interpretation), we can show up for our children best. Their nervous system feeds off of ours. Our energy is best served doing all we can to get that healthy, vs engaging in "correcting" others perceptions.
You may still need to follow the 14:00 situation until you can get something else set up for yourself
Always love your videos. Thank u for informing and comforting at the same time.🩵🫶🏻
This is so helpful! Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Such an important topic ❤
Thank you 🙏🏽
This is why I deliberately recalled pre written traumatic memories during psychedelic trips to neutralize them.
How did it go, I’m guessing it shifted stuff in order to then accept and forgive stuff like that? I have no idea Really cheers
Denial can be a good thing actually. I tryed hard to deal with the knowledge that what my parents did to my body ruined some parts of my life for all eternaty. As I found out by accident what they really did and how lucky i was that my brain is still working not only normal but satisfying I had to take pills for weeks, no matter how I just couldn't deal with this knowledge. Now I tryed denial again, could stop the pills nearly immedially.
8:36 There's a 3rd scenario... yes I have a problem, yes there are things I can do about it, YES, other people can interfere with my progress AGAIN, just like has happened repeatedly in the past.
True
My son died of cancer 2 yrs ago at the age of 45. During the 3 years of chemo and multiple surgeries I never once thought he was going to die. Even on the last day, while sitting next to his bed, I still thought he would wake up. In my mind, he was just napping. And then he died. Two years later I still dont believe it. Denial has been my only form of survival for the past 5 years. I just cant accept it.
🙏🏾
🙏💔🙏💜
Parents shouldn't have to bury their children. That's a terrible loss. Your denial has given you the gift of processing the loss more slowly. I'm sending you love and sympathy💙🎍
There is blaming others when its my fault, but there is blaming others with in FACT IT IS THERE FAULT! Also everyone THINKS they KNOW what the truth is!
Apparently I'm either not smart enough, or to stubborn to deny reality 🤷 scapegoat🙋
When it comes to smarts, the more plumbing, the more leaks.
I'd like to hear you talk about counter dependency. There's tons of videos about co dependency but hardly anything on counter dependency
There are many, many videos on the concept of counter dependency...however, if you are stuck on that exact term, you'll miss them.
Dismissive avoidant attachment style is counter dependent, forms of narcissism are often counter dependent, addicts are sometimes counter-dependent. Codependents can be counter dependent too, it can be a overly dependent to pushing away dynamic (also seen in fearful avoidant attachment style and BPD).
Cptsd is at the root of most codependent and counter dependent behaviors...which Tim describes at a depth rarely seen. He may not use that term, but he describes them.
46:35 Isn't that what you do?