How to stop blaming yourself for your narcissistic relationships
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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The narc.doesn't care about us. We find abuse easier to take than rejection. Accept the rejection. their choice. Their loss!
Wowww!! " We find Abuse easier than Rejection"!!!! Why didn't you tell me this 15 years back!!
We rather feel resentment than guilt. We like to be victims
@Mary Carroll so true!
I agree, they lost!!!
One year later. I adored my family yet they used my vulnerability as a weapon. I would rather be alone.✌️❤️
I don't blame myself for all the little things anymore. I do blame myself for working so hard to stay in an abusive relationship for years.
Me too.
lets change the self-blame to self-compassion! we were following our hearts, unconsciously acting out old family patterns, operating from ancient survival instincts, practicing kindness, and genuinely trying to help a human being we really cared about - these are not bad things! we were trying to 'make it work' because we believed in a higher vision for the relationship, hoped for better, desired a love-story with a happy ending, and wanted to see a 'positive outcome' from all our investment of time, energy (and money). we stayed because we didn't know we could leave. lets love ourselves and each other, and celebrate that we got out, rather than blame ourselves for staying!
Yes been there
@@devidaughter7782 thank you for reminding me that being kind and trying to help and care for someone we love, is a good character trait. My narcs have always made fun of my desire to be a good human being. I was either mocked, derided, or accused of taking a moral high ground and being a princess.
@@moontan3927 so lets take back affirming ourselves and each other for these beautiful loving qualities we carry, which is part of the magic and healing we bring to this world! we can learn to be more 'savvy' and 'discerning' about how and where we direct our kindness, but lets not deride the most precious qualities that make us who we are (and what probably attracted your narc to you in the first place! He probably derided you because your goodness stirred uncomfortable feelings - perhaps of inadequacy- in himself he didn't want to face, and so rather than be 'lifted up' by your example, he chose instead to try to pull you down, to make himself feel more comfortable. don't let his words win! know that it was HE who had the problem, not you!)
Dr. Ramani has become a daily devotional for me. Like tuning in with a talk with a friend before I go on with the day.
same here!
me too! I love the daily release of new videos, (which has become part of a new structure for my days) and the feeling of being part of something large and wonderful that thousands of people are coming together to learn from!
@@devidaughter7782 the sharing in the comments are wonderful. So many can relate. It makes me feel connected.
Same here
Yep, Dr Ramani and coffee go hand in hand
I did not blame myself, but I did ask myself how I got hooked into these relationships and why did I not listen to my gut. I realized that I was trauma bonded by the intermittent love bombing. I grew up in a home where I was punished for expressing my feelings or even personal opinions.
It's probably the same for all of us. If we had a decent support and healthy environment to grow we wouldn't need to pretend... We wouldn't try to bond with these people. We fall on these because the brain is trying to get at least one thing right, since it has been told endlessly, that it was all wrong. So we try to fix... To blamw ourselves for not being able to be the perfection of the ideation of a broken brain in someone we try to "fix" so we can bond with it. I learned that is much less worse to be completely alone than to be with someone that makes you feel like you're not meaningful.
I hate that punishment is so much a part of what narcissists do. I’m so glad that we can now learn what we need to so that we can heal and come out of these behaviors! I’m also glad that you do not blame yourself!
Same here. I really ignored my gut feeling and the early stage red flags..
There’s just not enough education on what narcs look like in the big wide world, these people are celebrated when they should be reprimanded at all stages, in schools, in the workforce, in church etc...
You nailed it on the head for me! I didn’t listen to my gut .. and I was trauma bonded by the intermittent love for sure!
I remember when I started watching this channel I was so broken, my narcissist almost killed me. Now I see the progress, after 1,5 years of struggle and constant pain, I started my life again. I can’t believe I loved someone who every single day neglected and devalued me, gave me silent treatment for months- and I genuinely believed that I deserved it. It’s scary. Thank you Dr Ramani
Ирина Ван Ронкел I’m so glad you are doing better. Prayers
Sorry for you. You are not alone... that is for sure.
I agree with Jesus Did It All, & I’m praying for you, too!
Sending you love. Be strong. 💕
💕💕
We are good people guys! Let's not blame ourselves for this shit.
Their shit*
So true!
I learned that instead of apologizing, I hand that sh*t right back to them, (in my mind) where it belongs.
PS It also helps with stopping the ruminating.
Took the trash to the bin 🗑️
Mhm-hm. And there’s no need to forgive if you can still go about your life without tension and high blood pressure. Some people do not deserve your forgiveness, not when they’ll blame you for all their faults on a whim. There’s no genuine two-way interpersonal reciprocity in relationships like that so there’s little point (unless they’ve obviously changed, and even then it’s up to the wounded party to build bridges or not).
"You face a massive attack if you point something out." Wow, do i ever feel that.
Yep
6000+ languages in the world and she chose to speak FACTS on this one. Gaslighting is problematic! Thank you Dr. Ramani!
yes it true
hey! I love your videos btw, congrats on being a nes youtuber @reallifepsych
@iris, yes i’m a new RUclipsr making vids on psychology and mental health. I was inspired by Dr. Ramani!
@@reallifepsych3309you got a new sub 😍,good luck with your new channel xx
@@meritaleight8631 thank you so much, this means a lot!!
Oh lord yes. The apologizing. The self blame. And it’s so hard to bring that back down to normal levels.
I can't forgive myself for losing him
It took me a year living across the country from my ex to stop apologizing for cloudy days.
@@ddwow566I hope you feel better
This is exactly right, to an almost comical degree. Within 24 hours of finding out about her affair, I fully convinced myself that I was responsible for it, apologized, and vowed to make things right. Once I understood the narcissism, I immediately convinced myself that my pattern of enabling is what caused her narcissism to develop. The self-blame runs deep.
I did something similar and I can't believe it took me until recently to see how crazy this was...sooo messed up smh
I did the same...she had me convinced her cheating was all my fault
Tyler I see your comment is self-reflective, but hope you haven't fallen into blaming yourself for her being who she already was the whole time. It's really hard not to. I've spent countless hours of fruitless mental exercises pondering how I could have related to her differently over our marriage in order for her to see that someone actually does/did care for her. Dr. Ramani and others (Dr. Grande) have pointed out that these personality disorders are extremely deep and difficult to manage, so the most you could have done to "cause" her (likely vulnerable) narcissism to develop would be by being present. It was already in her, sadly. I know you are aware of this, but it helps to hear confirmation from random strangers on the internet! We truly love these people, started families with them in many instances, and prayed long hours for our situations to improve. By discovering the underlying PD, you have also very likely discovered something about yourself; that you are empathetic, caring, giving, and genuinely relate to others...if not, she wouldn't have "fallen" for you. Learn why you (we) missed the red flags, learn to stand for what is right and good (by Christ), and be willing to trust again; lest you become a mistrusting, sabotaging narcissist yourself. God Bless :)
@@TheVanDeLinderFamily Yep. After living half my life with her it took a number of months to ..uh.. mentally detox.. and recover the thoughts and personality I had so many years ago. Blaming myself for her narcissism seemed totally reasonable at the time, which says something about how "reasonable" your thoughts get under the influence.
Tyler Larson. Just a humble opinion but I think her narcissism was already her personality when you met. They can hide it while love bombing. I do not think you created it, however, you may have made excuses for her, and took undue blame which kept enabling her actions. Wishing us all the best on our journey of growth. 😀
This video couldn't have come at a better time. I was just talking to my husband about this last night. I was standing over the sink saying "I shouldn't have let her back in" "I shouldn't have given her so many more years" "I should have stayed away" and etc. Then it hit me. Wait a minute. Why am I blaming myself? Why couldn't SHE just give me common human decency? .... Why am I blaming myself for her transgressions? It really is such a hard thing to overcome. I'm learning why. I still do the apologizing and get really down on myself. I'm a work in progress. But, I'm just happy to be doing the work and healing a little at a time. Thank you for your videos!
Who is "she"? Friend? Relative? Child? The tooth fairy?
@@FreeSpirit47 "she" is the narcissist and that's all that really matters. Sylvia, I'm glad you're doing the work and healing. I'm doubly glad that you're able to talk to your husband about what you're thinking, recognizing the errors in thought patterns and working through to correcting them. Wishing you all the best...
Your post hit me like a truck. I always think "I should've kept my NM at arms length!" "Why did I want a relationship with her?" "Why didn't I see the red flags?" In reality it should be "Why couldn't my NM just be a mom?" "What in her thought devaluing me was okay?" "Why did she feel so much hatred towards me?" What made her think stealing from me was okay?" You get the picture. Thank you for giving me a different way at looking at my relationship with my NM.
Same. Same. 😢
And then they cut you down for over-apologizing 😭
EXACTLYYYYY
" Fine, you win!" ... "Don't agree with me!"
Yep! It's something else they use to pick on us for😣
Autumn Jade, you are too precious to be with a narcissist!
Its impossible to know that it needs to end and all communication must stop.
even the flying monkeys. Letting them go is also difficult, nearly impossible. anyone connecting to a narsassit by a single thread. sadly must be let go. If they ask you about the narsassit, it's over let that person go. And no contact must be laid in stone. You will then have peace of mind in the long run.
Marriage 15 years. Early on he totally exhausted me. I couldn’t figure it out. I wanted to leave the house, to flee from the berating… but I was so tired. It was all part of the process.
Run don’t walk. I experienced every stage that Dr Ramani discussed. They love inflicting pain of every kind possible.
Bless you beloved, I don't know you in person but God knows you. God ministered to me in a revelation when I was on your profile to see things around you,I saw blessings but spiritual attacks holding onto them,in prayers,i saw a woman in the realm of the spirit monitoring and plotting delay in your life, with an evil mirror, and with motive to destroy. But as I speak to you now her time is up, Render hand of favour with Anything you can afford or give to these motherless foundation ( LIVING FOUNTAIN ORPHANAGE FOUNDATION.) in Lagos state Nigeria before 2DAYS with faith, as I Rise my hands towards heaven and pray for you they shall serve as point of contact wherever you are, you will receive double portion of grace to excel and total restoration of breakthrough in your life and in the life of your family. Help them contact the MD in charge of the orphanage to get their account details. Here his official email: (livingfountainorphanage07@gmail.com) tell him I sent you. For it is not by might nor by in power but of the spirit saith the lord (zechariah 4:6). You shall testify to the Glory of God in your life. God bless you.
I began to realize I was dealing with someone who was going to be trouble when he said to me, "Do you cough ONLY when you talk with ME or do you cough when you talk to everyone?" FYI I have asthma. When I pointed this out he laughed and said he was "only joking."
This lack of empathy chip is bizarre .I had a severe dust allergy in a house we moved into I sneezed constantly ,I was told she was sick of my sneezing and get over it !!
Wowowow! I've received these types of comments too! I just always figured my behaviour must have been really "wrong" or "weird". Like my dad used to get annoyed when I washed my hands and left drops of water on the vanity unit around the basin. Like I was the only human being incapable of not washing neatly enough
I’m blamed for talking over “it” but I low key fight with my attention and there was no mercy.
Oh. My. Gosh!!! they all have the same handbook. My narc always made these backhanded comments and when I’d point them out, he’d say he was just joking, you used to be fun and able to take a joke. When I left I was a shell and I still blame myself and think “was it me?” Am I not able to take a joke because I’m so thinned skinned “. “ am I really too sensitive?” The “joking” was constant. I blame myself for it all.
@@michellek2946 Please don't blame yourself! Put the blame squarely on the passive/agressive narcissist. Your pain was his monstrous pleasure. Now you are free! Heal and grow in wisdom. Dr. Ramani has many helpful videos. My best very wishes are for your complete recovery!
Seeing Dr tear up about that lady's story I'm like, you know what: F these narcs.
Same here Empress Chariot!! I could just feel Dr. R's sadness for the beautiful woman. And at the same time she was talking about me!! I was almost in tears too.
Same here! I saw Dr. Ramani's true compassion and empathy during that moment. It choked me up too!
Well she sounds like she has everything going for her, except she apologises too much, not the most damning flaw...
@@caligirl1002 YOU ARE LOVE. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTHY. AT ALL TIMES NO MATTER WHAT.
One needs to completely remove oneself or suffer being their target!
Yes I have fully accepted this now as the reality.
I’m almost 6 months no contact after trying to get myself out 8 times in 4 years! Self blame plagued me for quite awhile but deep inner work has me feeling so free! I’ve never felt this happy or healthy in my life! Actually physically my health has improved 100%. Keep the faith guys! Healing is messy but so so beautiful 💜
Oh wow that's wonderful. I go about 6 days, then cave. I'm 4 years in also. You give me hope, thank you
The gaslighting is one of the most harmful and damaging abuse to endure. Now, even after implementing no contact to the narcissistic abusers in my life, learning to stop saying “I’m sorry,” and taking all of the blame is finally becoming easier. Thank you 🙏
Dr. Ramani and this beautiful community.
That weapon is so powerful for narkies... like Hiroshima: after many years, the toxicity remains deep in our grounds...
It does get easier with time and knowledge. I've gotten to the point where I can now, sometimes, actually chuckle to myself when he tries to gaslight me. It's so ridiculous!
Took me decades to realise they are nothing and no-one deep down. So how can you allow a nothing and no-one to have such a devastating effect on you (really think about it), they can't, you're doing it to yourself. Had a real good talk to myself and told myself off and to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Feel so much stronger after that talk with myself and the responsibility is back where it belongs. Of course having parents who beat you down so you thought you were a nobody with no rights doesn't help,in fact it lays the foundation that you will accept this type of behaviour. So NO, it was never my fault. Although I'm not perfect in a lot of ways, my intention is never destructive.
Michele Toriello, hope you are not with a narcissist!
If I was a billionaire, I would build centers where mentally or physically abused people could pass their time.
I wish I had and wish I could have this kind of place now.
It feels so disgusting and distresssing to be unable to protect the body from the abuse and the nasty situations around...
It feels like going to hell every time you come back to the place full of people who want to dance over your corpse...
I keep having the same day dream. "if I had millions, I would just build a town with houses for all the people who are stuck in an abusive situation who dont have the money or options to leave this hell" its "funny"(or sad) how its a mutual thought. having to go home, having to be home. it feels more like a prison.
The gaslighting and cognitive dissonance drains your cognitive resources so of course you have memory problems, you have concentration problems, you have self talk problems-you have all sorts struggles... ... ....
Thank you for commenting Z Q. You just validated some things for me. Concentration, memory, self talk. I blame myself for those 3 things. Even though I know they're a result of PTSD, I blame myself, and ask what's wrong with me? I can't concentrate, trouble remembering, especially if I'm under pressure, and negative self talk.
I actually found my hands shaking when the narcissist was watching and analyzing me. There is nothing physically wrong with me, but she was always diagnosing my medical condition; asthma, sleep apnea, Parkinson's disease, etc. She is not a physician. 😳
Narcs are human brain damage
@@caligirl1002 I get that too. I thought I was getting early onset dementia. Then I learned about what the nervous system goes through in this state of fear and confusion. I've started noticing what it's like when I'm not around the narc for a few days and I start to think more clearly and get more done.
You must be psychic. I'm struggling with this self blaming. Particularly when I think about the children.
Spot on!!
When you’re told overtime that you are to blame you internalize it. It also gives you rationalization of the abuse. It’s easier to say *it’s my fault* instead of accepting what’s in front of you.
Dr Ramani has elevated my life into a new level.... I’m so thankful and look forward to her videos every day. I feel like I’m studying to graduate with a degree in anti-Narcissism 😁
Yayyy!!! Remain anti-narcissistic! 😎
Haha yes, me too!!
Haha and so true! I am a social worker and very little about narcs is talked about in the mental health field. I have found 2 courses that educate young people how to spot them and what to do. It's my goal to run these groups one day and prevent the abuse in the next generation
This is the degree we all need!
He is a vulnerable narc. Very sneaky...treated the connection as a selfserving game that hé wanted to win. Took me 20 years to see his true colors.
Vital minds video on RUclips have good videos on cover narcissism. And Richard Granon
Yes, some of them are not so obvious. They're like snakes in the grass! They know what they're doing. He did win in many ways. It took me 16 years. However, I saw his true colors before I married him, I just didn't want to notice those "red flags". OH, they were there. Not consciously, but sub-consciously, I knew it from day one. I just had to have him, show him what a good wife I would be in all ways. Oh, I worked hard on that marriage. I wore myself out physically, mentally, emotionally. I've been divorced from him for 18 years or something like that (I don't want to remember lol). Through these years I've been trying to find (through self-help, therapy, etc), what happened to that sparkling, out going, happy, confident woman I was when I met him. I remember her, but can't seem to find her, and blame myself for that too. After I married him, we went on a month trip (not honeymoon). When we came back home, I went back to work, and my best friend said to me (a few years later) "you weren't the same person when you came back from your trip" After all these years NOW, I know, down inside I knew, already, when we came back, I never should have married him. I stayed for 16 years....Hoping I could fix it. He was very very very sneaky. I realize now, I probably don't know the half of what he was doing. Karlien, keep watching to Dr. Ramani, she's really really good.
@@caligirl1002 I am so sorry for you too...I saw red flags too...10 years in he was diagnosed autistic, which happens with vulnerable narcissist. Lot of love xxw
@@caligirl1002 yes they are very sneaky they know exactly what they are doing. I should have walked away from our marriage 10 years ago but tried to make it work silly me. Then was discarded after 30 odd years off marriage once I started to voice my opinion and question things more. Same as yourself was always a bubbly, confident person to sometimes wondering were that person is. Been over two years now no contact and still have my down day’s. Living my life on my terms instead of trying to keep him happy all the time. But still have my moment’s not nice at times. Still relive things that were said and done through our time together ☹️ not interested in meeting anyone else as have a fear of same scenario. Have always been a people’s pleaser and don’t want to fall into that same trap. Peace and happiness to you.
@@selfloveforever2360 🥺 Hugs to you 💜
once i saw he was goading me into an argument, i would leave him alone. i just don’t have the energy and time to argument with someone who has a totally different view of life than me. he told me i was weak when i walked away, everything was a competition with him, including the affections of my dogs. he would tell me my dogs loved him more than me. mind you, he wanted me to get rid of my dogs.. i had them before i met him, i’m so glad he’s gone from my life.
So true! “Sorry” used to be a favorite word of mine. Once narc free I made an effort to avoid saying it as much as I could. It was so much healthier. I now have boundaries, rarely say “sorry” (unless it is the right thing to do). My life has improved immensely and people respect me more.
Yes, I blamed myself for everything to get a sliver of peace in my marriage. First they gaslight you enough so you gaslight yourself and they sit back and watch you self destruct. Healing was to put my oxygen mask to save myself then I could raise my kids with a different belief system.
It tears your self esteem and confidence to the point you are so unsure about everything.
Bless you beloved, I don't know you in person but God knows you. God ministered to me in a revelation when I was on your profile to see things around you,I saw blessings but spiritual attacks holding onto them,in prayers,i saw a woman in the realm of the spirit monitoring and plotting delay in your life, with an evil mirror, and with motive to destroy. But as I speak to you now her time is up, Render hand of favour with Anything you can afford or give to these motherless foundation ( LIVING FOUNTAIN ORPHANAGE FOUNDATION.) in Lagos state Nigeria before 2DAYS with faith, as I Rise my hands towards heaven and pray for you they shall serve as point of contact wherever you are, you will receive double portion of grace to excel and total restoration of breakthrough in your life and in the life of your family. Help them contact the MD in charge of the orphanage to get their account details. Here his official email: (livingfountainorphanage07@gmail.com) tell him I sent you. For it is not by might nor by in power but of the spirit saith the lord (zechariah 4:6). You shall testify to the Glory of God in your life. God bless you.
I struggle with this a lot. I have internalized a lot of shame being the scapegoat. Its a work in progress.
I'm slowly retraining myself to instead say, "Thank you for being so patient. I know you had to wait." And it shows less weakness, while I still take responsibility FOR MY STUFF, NOT YOURS. It gets more smiles than eye rolls in return.
That's really good! Instead of saying "I'm Sorry to everyone"
I am 60 years old. Raised by a sociopathic narcissist, mommy dearest and married sociopathic narcissist. Both of which are extremely abusive. Physically emotionally financially mentally and sexually.Everything the Dr. said about the blame is so true. I’m so grateful she touched on this.
I once caught myself apologising for the weather. More than once, actually. I live in Scotland... 😆
Girl I feel you I once apologized for waking up 😂
Same happened to me...in Scotland too.
😂😂😂😂 I apologized for the sun in California when my narc EX-friend made me close my convertible roof because she doesn’t like her makeup in natural light. I’m serious!
I do the same thing when someone visits my hometown, in north of Portugal, where it can rain for 5weeks straight 🤦♀️
@@taotaostrong Wow! It's good to laugh about it now, but WOW. 😆😎☀️
I really wish I could find a doctor like you. I was the scapegoat all my life, as soon as I set a boundary: selfish, stupid, mentally ill, bipolar. Of course this led to being involved in narcissistic relationships. I'm crying after you described the woman who berates herself and over apologizes. That's me. Even if I am responsible, it's scary for me because it goes from normal to so much guilt and self loathing. I'm going to write all the steps down and keep them on hand. Thank you so much, you've been helping me more than you realize. They've inspired me to send these to my friend dealing with a narc mother-in-law.
I constantly blamed myself and became a shell of myself for YEARS. I ended up in more narc relationships bc I convinced myself I was the abuser and I was overacting and my feelings had no value. They are soul suckers and are masters at putting their s**t on you
I do apologize a lot. Usually I’m not even sorry just a way to move past something. A bigger issue for me in this recovery process is I always assume I’m being used. That and thinking I’m alone.
I know this topic was tough to talk about, I felt it.. here if anyone needs a Hug.....(hug)
Hug back to you!! I felt it too. Hugs to everyone!! (Virtual Hug Ethrin23) xo
Taking that hug and giving one back. Sending love ❤
Hug back!
Virtual hug 💓
Self-blame while in the orbit of a toxic person is for me a defence mechanism. Like the instinct of covering your head while in a cave with an angry bear.
Yep
I remember doing this a lot. In a weird way, it helped me feel like I was more in control of the situation. Because if it’s my fault, I can fix it right? But if it’s not my fault, then there’s nothing I can do and I’m powerless. That was my mindset.
She would always tell me I always say sorry. I’d tell her she never says sorry. My blame on myself is now seeing all the red flags that I ignored that regret!! She owned 0 responsibility and when I’d say I was wrong here and she was wrong for her part she would say that I’m flipping it on her. 😳. Dr Ramani did it again. On point ma’am!!!
such a good example of the polarities of these relationships: we do the listening, they do the talking; we set the boundaries, they push the boundaries; we do the apologizing, they never do!
Most importantly, I think they are so observative of our body language, that today when I look back it freaks me out. I told him sorry for a petty thing once and he was so quick to point me out "why are saying sorry, are you insecured?", also other phrases like calling me "emotional" and "you think a lot, I don't think like you!"
I mean there was no question of putting "my insecurity" in that statement, given we all have our shares of insecurities but he was so quick to address that, is that even normal?
@@shellym1736 my ex used to tell me "you think too much" when I said somethin he didn't want to hear. what a great way to put someone down, and distract the focus from what they are saying! - so dismissive and disrespectful! arrrgh!
@@shellym1736 the insecurity card is always pulled in my relationship. I hardly went through her phone. But she went through mine all the time. I even was being gps tracked and didn’t even know. She set it up on my phone but “i” was the insecure one.
@@devidaughter7782 yes! Distracting from the issue drove me crazy. It went from the topic to 5 different ones and next thing I know I’m defending myself for not getting her oil change. What???!!!
You can be sure that any info from this lady is 100 peecent helpful.
Spot on. I needed this video today I feel like I’m going crazy from the gaslighting all the issues and pain was my fault he takes no responsibility has no empathy for me but it’s all about me admitting fault for the failed relationship he wants to hear how terrible and sorry I am I have never gotten an apology from him he spins it on why it’s my fault and I just want it all to stop and him to go away forever.😓
😭
Wow, thank you for the video Dr. Ramani. This helped me understand the random overwhelming feelings of shame I experience in my life.
My ex boyfriend is a narcissist and constantly made me doubt myself by poking fun at the things I did or said. I internalized all of his criticism even if he thought it was a joke...
He didn’t think it was a joke. Narcs know they’re able to control us with their little “jokes”, put downs and pettiness. ☺️
Wow Dr. Ramani the story of your friend really resonated. So true, when we don’t put the responsibility where it belongs and we keep taking it on ourselves we are excusing the narcissists behavior and that may keep us stuck in the cycle of abuse. 🙏
Same for me
thank you for saying this so clearly and articulately - your words really struck a chord! I'm wondering where I am still (unconsciously) taking responsibility for what doesn't belong to me, and where and how I may still be excusing the narcissists. this really motivates me to keep exploring so that I can create a 'new point of attraction'....
@Erika Faith 🙏 Blessings to you Erika, wishing you all the best!
I love these videos . They help navigate my thoughts adequately and inadequate. Perfect for decision making
yes, the words and clarity offered by dr. ramani are steadily sinking into my consciousness, which is leading me to make new and liberating choices in my life. just recently I found the courage to clearly say to someone "this doesn't feel good for me". rather than make the other person 'wrong', I was able to find a way to simply state my truth in a way the other person can't argue with. I felt so relieved after, and I no longer feel like I'm 'faking' the relationship (something I used to feel in my relationships with narcissists, almost like I was acting a part in a play - pleasing instead of being authentic). I too am grateful for the clarity these videos bring, which is leading me to new more empowered decision-making in the everyday details of my life!
@@devidaughter7782 that's awesome. So happy you found the courage to take that first step.
@@shobanarao7663 yes, it took me a couple days to 'hold onto myself' and let the stress of this scary step work its way through my body (lots of trembling, jaw rattling, chills, and sweaty armpits), and my mind (lots of obsessing and rehashing) but now that I'm 'on the other side', I feel so good today!
@@devidaughter7782 I’m so proud of you for taking the adequate steps to further yourself in all parts of yourself ♥️
I would never defend myself again ,against my narcissist. After all they never do anything wrong . That's how they get through the day
. I have never loved myself more after going no contact. They will be on the hunt for future supply. I have great empathy for their new supply.
Just 30 minutes ago I had my divorce court date, and here I am divorced the 2nd time. I can’t stop just feeling sad and devastated by the END result that the rubber stamp on a piece of paper gives. Overall, I know this is good for me, but the end of what once was the best of life is a realization of all my love and hopes of a life together that will never be. I’m very sad. Just that.
Leo! Your dreams didn't die, just postponed.
It'll get better, but be alone for a long time first. Being almost completely isolated for 2 years and dealing with my issues has made me a completely different person. Good luck.
Leo Menzes, you are feeling exactly what someone with a heart would feel at this point. It is sad.
I agree with Loretta here Leo. My son and I go to a reconciliation counselor who one day asked "You've seen dad upset a time or two" to which my son said "Yeah, of course"; he then asked "Well I'm sure you've seen your mom upset also, I mean you spend more time with her anyway", to my (kindof) shock and the Docs, my son said "No, not really". Point here being these personality disorders completely dissociate them from genuine feelings...it's very sad. The people we love and expect to die with can invoke their justification pathways, turn off all feeling, and do whatever they feel necessary. I have come through a long journey as well and I have to say you can get help from therapy, friends, and relationships; but real fulfillment ONLY comes from above. It comes from knowing you were absolutely created for a purpose, by a Creator in Christ who loves you completely (Psalms 139:16). Once we stop reacting to life and truly attempt to understand the story of humanity, we become wiser, calmer, and infinitely more content. Read "Imagine Heaven" by John Burke. $9 Hobby Lobby. God Bless :)
Just work through the sadness and grief at your own pace.
Yes, taking on the blame is also an unfourtunate place of comfort, we have already been there, and that is our control of the situation, my experience.
I call it the negative comforzone. Being out there will be better :)
Actually I sort of blaming myself for getting into all that, ignoring myself and staying through bullshit.
lets lovingly remind ourselves and each other that 'when we know better, we do better'!
@Mary Carroll Discovering co dependency issues was a key factor. It’s easy to say that you got abused or manipulated, but the fact that you let yourself be treated like that from one point on, should at least be considered in order to avoid this happening again in the future, either by the same person or another. I mean my friends were showing disgust when I told them about that shit going on, but in the same time, I could tell they were thinking “and yet you stayed,you continued contact with her”? One or two actually told me so, and, you know, that was not to blame me or enable her, but it made perfect sense.
@Mary Carroll No, you got me wrong. By ''you'' I meant me and a lot of other people, not you personally, as I don't know you and your case/story.If you didn't let yourself be abused, good for you but I did. And that has worked as a big take home message for me.
@Mary Carroll no, you got me wrong, I was not referring to you personaly, - don't know you or your case/story. By ''you'' I meant me /others. So I was not being offensive to you and I'm sorry if it came out the wrong way.
I'm grateful that I don't blame myself, but I do have to take responsibility for the red flags that I ignored, or for thinking that I could just "power through" or manage the narcissist, I do beat myself up a bit for that. I try to remember though, that to the narcissist collaboration is really competition.
Had a narcissistic sociopathic brother accusing me of being selfish and self centered, but everyone else that knew me said I was the opposite!
Spot on!
I wonder how much of the following has been recognised: After years of self-blame and the conformation bias it gets, you start to fear making wrong choices by accident, and then begin to create what you fear. That will then deepen all the self-doubt and self-blame even further, right?
For such a long time, I thought if I just worked on myself enough, our relationship would get better. After 15 years of working on myself, my eyes were finally opened and I realized that he wasn't working on himself at all. And the way he was treating me was not ok and had me pinned in our family dynamic as a literal slave. I was running our household, raising our children, cooking and cleaning, doing the yardwork, managing everyone's schedule, etc ALL BY MYSELF. And still he would complain that there were crumbs on the counter, or dinner wasn't done on time, or why are the kids not in bed yet. The shame started to lift when I finally realized what was going on. I realized why I was exhausted every single day. Why I had such bad headaches and neck issues. Why I was getting depressed. I finally realized that I was carrying the weight of his responsibility as well as mine. No more. I'm teaching my kids what personal boundaries look like as I'm learning that. Teaching them that it's ok to say no if they are uncomfortable in a situation, teaching them it's ok not to give into pressure. That is the one big thing that has come out of this "relationship", if I should even call it that. That I am breaking the cycle of abuse, and hopefully my kids will have a much better life than I've had.
Very timely, as usual. It is also about the myth that we have agency in a relationship with a narcissist.
Incredible how in this video you have been talking to the deepest inner me... I am going to watch that again and again. Many videos might come on many topics... but that one seemed to be touching one of the most intangible side or (better said) post effects of narcissistic abuse: “inner talk and constant self blame”. So much happens within us, that we assume this is it... this is life... this is reality... we are just not worthy of our own opinions, we are the crazy one, we are the bad one, we better “shush” ... there is no place for us... Time to sit with the feeling that this video brought to me. Thanks Dr. R.
Same here! I married 2 Narcissistic men. I now feel, not consciously, but sub-consciously, I married those particular people to try and somehow rewind time back to my childhood with my parents. It's like deep inside there was a part of me needing to do this "again" to try and get it right this time. I read somewhere long ago, that we draw ourselves to the kind of people who abused us in an effort to "fix" what happened to us. The sad part is that there is no "fixing". At least not with another abusive person, it will never, never happen. Oh, and I'll mention, I met several really nice, caring, interested men along the way. I've asked myself why I didn't let them in. Too, nice. Not really, now I see that I didn't think if they really knew the "real me", they wouldn't like me. Like I couldn't pretend I was a good person for the long haul. You see, inside, I didn't feel I was worthy. I guess I still don't. Then now I have the guilt about all the years I've wasted on narc men, girlfriends, etc. Did I mention I'm 73 years old. Don't waste your life on these Narcs. Get help, and listen to those red flags next time. I'll guarantee you, they're there. Wow, I really got on a roll there didn't I. Lol Best to you WayneMyke.
This one made me feel really sad. The hardest thing I face is at the end of the day I often think 'I've been bad today, what have I done' and then I spend hours thinking about the day's events. I did this constantly till probably in my 40s, but in a few weeks I'll be 60 and I found myself doing this only yesterday.
I was five when my self-righteous narcissistic stepmonster came into my life. So this is hardwired in me.
I was raised by narcissist father. It's been 35 years my mom still survive with his behaviour. When Dr said the option 2 self-blame pattern yes that's exactly my mother's now. My brother & me also hugely impacted with his behaviour. Hugely impacted how we're growing up. Not as normal as others 😔
Yes!!! I did that thousand times. Blamed myself and apologized all the time
Deborita, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 absolutely not!! That is why I fired his butt two months ago
@@deborita8557 you deserve better,my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
@@deborita8557 which country are you from?
@@lioydwilliams1850 From Mexico! Take care
So much Regret and self blame are what I’m trying so hard to get past as My children and I suffer from so much trauma and pain from the abuse, neglect, cheating and abandonments from the malignant narcissist alcoholic ex I thankfully divorced this year
This describes my whole marriage so much better than I ever could - all the words I was missing.
I get now why I was constantly blaming myself ! All the internal voices are always telling me how I screwed up and am to blame . I was constantly berated. That self talk PLAGUES ME !
Garima Heath,you don't deserve to be with a narcissist!
Anytime I upset someone or think I did something wrong, I fall apart. I apologize a million times even if it’s not a “big deal”.
I can hear myself like I'm in a canyon and all those, "I'm sorry!" "I'm so sorry!"
While I now have learned and am teaching my teenage daughter to only apologize and do so sincerely when it's owned or to keep peace as long as it's not compromising our value (more of an agree to disagree), no longer do I spontaneously apologize for everything. It is NOT easy but consciously working on it and listening to these professionally encouraging and clinically based/proven conversations really help. (I know they are videos but Dr. Ramani speaks to us and wherever we are we speak with her and each other thus I say conversations.)
Regrets... That's a lot tougher!!!
Works in progress...
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 🌹🌹🌹
Thank you for all your videos. This one hit me. I finally understand my 'pathological apologizer syndrome' ... As a child everything was my fault and my responsibility -- even the feelings of my brother and parents... I have been working with my therapist (with our main focus on radical acceptance) and getting better... but seeing your videos gives me that reassurance it is not me.... When you shared the story of your friend who apologizes for everything.... I know just how she feels and cried. I apologized so to not get the blame or the constant complaining of what happened.(I would try to over think what would happen and try to over compensate to make sure nothing went wrong).... I don't do this now.... and I have to live with the enormous amounts of bad talk behind my back... and for cutting out my mother as much as I can... ... with tears in my eyes,,, thank you. I know I am doing the right thing.
Terry Lynn Forbes-Brophy, hope you are not with a narcissist!
I started avoiding discussions. It was always like talking the the advocate’s devil. I always had to defend myself. Always..And nothing is ever his responsibility or his fault.
Hettie de Korte, you look stunning!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Being a codependent in recovery, I struggled for years to express my feelings, thoughts and insights without self-blame and constant fear. Your videos have been a massive support and eye-opener for me. I am still struggling, but working deeper with myself, self-esteem and traumas from emotional abuse. God bless, keep safe.
5:17 Byproduct of endless gaslighting.
Yes, that is it!
Dr Ramini you are always so spot on.
"If you avoid conflict to keep the "peace", you start a war within yourself."
Dr. Ramani, I wonder how many lives you've saved with your wisdom and kindness. Mine is one of them. May you receive all the good you deserve for helping so much.
This was exactly what I needed to hear!!!! I used to apologize all the time for everything. My husband would always ask, “Why are you sorry?”. I’ve gotten better but the self blame is still there. Thank you 🙏🏼 for playing such a big part in my journey to recovery.
Laura Heller, hope you are not with a narcissist cause you are too pretty!
Terrible guilt and doubting myself for drawing a line in the sand. It’s hard to break the patterns and stand strong, but you have to do it for yourself.
I guess that's part of healing. I forgive myself for all the stupid things I've done.
That includes the stupidity I felt by letting these people run my life, and etc...
Yes, "sorry" was my constant response in my younger years. Now a full grown adult, I realize the gaslighting was the cause and I curb that tendency. I don't believe the accuser of the brethern and sistren any more. The devil is a liar.
I have regretted spending so many years with my ex Narcissist. Wouldn't help when people would say well just get out, it is your choice to stay. Wow that comment would do a number on my mental health. I would say to myself what is wrong with me, how can I be so stupid. These video's have helped a lot to help me stop blaming myself. I see now this started in childhood. I also watch who I share with. I am learning to be kinder to myself. I finally found a therapist, that I am having a zoom meeting with on Friday. Hope she understands Narcissistic abuse, that will be my first question. I went through a local church, the cost is so much less. Hard to afford $125 & up.
Even if the therapist won't upfront talk the talk about narc abuse, don't dump them immediately. My therapist won't use the narc label because she isn't a Dr. Of psychology, she is a Masters level so can't diagnose. We began focusing on the trauma of my experiences and she is able a year later to call him toxic. We do fine, and I teach her Dr Ramanis terms if she is not sure what I mean....like future faking. So best wishes u will enjoy the support!
@@joywebster2678 thanks for the info, this lady is a psychotherapist not a psychologist as well.
@Mary Carroll thank you so much for your reply Mary. I was with him for 16 years off and on. After listening to Dr. Ramani I now see what was happening & have been our for 3 months now. I am doing a zoom meeting with a therapist on Friday. I now see those are the tendencies that my dad had, who is now dead. I will mention this to the therapist. I am looking forward to working on this & to get my joy back. Thanks again, that was very helpful. 👍😊🙋🏼♀️
@Mary Carroll Mary, song of joy, I like that, going to post it in my bathroom. Yes to never have to deal with another Narc ever again would bring me much joy for sure. Just remembered my sister said several years ago, you have daddy issues that you are trying to work out thru him. I guess sis was right. She lives on the west coast, Vancouver, I am more central. Wish she was closer. So these chats help a lot. I appreciate your time, especially from someone who totally gets it. 👍🙋🏼♀️
@Mary Carroll You got that right. I live alone in and apartment now. So I will be out on my balcony singing songs of joy. Hopefully on the walking trail behind my apartment bldg. as well. Once things open up & I got back to physio. I am starting to have hope that things at 69 will FINALLY turn around for me Mary. I am a very youthful person with lots of living to do yet. 💐🏝🥂👍🙋🏼♀️
Thank you Dr Ramani. You and ability to explain complex issues so clearly helps us all feel validated. I so appreciate your dedication to helping those who have experienced narcissistic abuse. You are a treasure to us all, blessings to you
Angie S, you look stunning!
The narcissist love to blame people for their issues. And they call someone weak or they show disdain and make jokes at peoples expense they love hurting people to feel humiliated .And they will laugh proudly that they are getting a reaction. Its best not to care think whatever who cares. Its best to smirk or roll your eyes. Or say excuse me lets keep it polite. Humor is a big part of narcissism by laughing and belittling and making a snide remarks.
I really didn't even realize I was so bad with this until this video. I could really use prayer, I also pray for anyone stuck in this pattern. You literally can't always even catch yourself doing this
Send some my way!
@@DS-zy9kq Will do my friend!
Dr Ramani is literally saving lives, thank you! Could you please do a video on how to navigate blame in a healthy manner. :)
Thank you, dr. Ramani! I have no words to express how helpful your videos are for me! I had therapy years ago and I stoped it because the more therapy I did, the more I felt depressed and I wanted to die. Now I realized that this habit of blaming was present in therapy: it was this idea that if only I could change myself then everything will be ok in life, so it was an imense pressure on me & I felt it was all my fault !
I would call it now a toxic and gaslighting therapy;)) it's true that I live in an ex-comunist country and here psychology and therapies were banned for 45 years. I'm so glad for all the valuable resources on internet! Because of you, dr. Ramani, and a few other, I can understand and heal so many issues & enjoy my life more and more!
I'm sure there are many, many people in this world with no access to good therapy, so your work is really gold for us!;) Thank you ! ❤
Each day I eagerly await your therapeutic knowledge. Thank you doc!
Me too!❤️
Meeeeeeeeeeee Tooooooooooooooooooo!!!
A therapist told me it was like I was carrying a backpack of heavy rocks, I took on so much blame. I haven't been narcissistically abused in a long time, but since the pattern of abuse started in childhood, it is truly deep seated and prevalent. This is still one of my biggest struggles. It makes sense. It was a self-protective way to not feel totally powerless when I was stuck, and to avoid conflict. Its sad, really.
It all starts in childhood. We were wounded by the narc, which left a hole in our inner core. If we heal that, we can heal all narc abuse and then not be attracted to them anymore. The reason we want the narc is because only the narc can fill that hole.
self-blame drives regret (13:20). . . leading to a "cycle of psychological self harm" (14:45).
Dr Ramani I moved across the country and got my son and I away from my narcissistic husband and mother bc of your videos. I won’t say it’s easy. I’m living in a lot of self blame but my life is so peaceful now. You help me to feel sane and I will forever be so grateful for these videos.
Right on Doc! We really needed this episode. Exhausted from apologizing to everyone for everything.
This was so hard to watch and yet so validating. Coming from a family that stressed the importance of taking responsibility for one's life above almost all else, I was not prepared for my narcissistic mentor in college. He was 3 hours late to a class? My fault for not giving him enough to work with, thus his not caring about being punctual. I ate it up. 10 years later and these patterns persist.
Awareness is a very powerful tool in any situation. Many thanks to you, Dr. Ramani, for shining a light.
I blamed myself so much and felt like it was all my fault. It wasn't I just couldn't see it :(
It’s only in the past year that I have realized how often I apologize and blame myself for all kinds of things to diffuse a tense situation in so many areas of my life. I even started to question whether I was actually a narcissist for thinking that I could be the common denominator in all these areas.
This video is so timely now I don't even feel angry anymore at my phone spying on my conversations lol. But, seriously, though. I am doing this with the new guy that I am dating. He is not a narcissist, he is sweet, but I keep getting so much anxiety and anguish when something goes wrong, even if it's me feeling sick or whatever, that I will compulsively apologize and feel so much blame, and is already having an impact in my relationship with him. I want to stop so bad.
Kar, you look stunning!
I think the worst part about this for me was sometimes I'd blame myself and someone would say, oh sure, you blame yourself for the small things to distract us from the big picture!
Reflexive self-blame also gets in the way of fixing stuff that can really help you get better. I found finally blocking out certain narcissists made me much happier and more willing to do better just because, as opposed to the "try and be a little less awful" mindset.
Yes this is me too. Thank you for the video. I really needed to hear this today. I am learning so much.
Every now and then my internal gaslighter sets to work, and i wake up with 'Was it really that bad? Why do you keep watching videos like this all the time? Now you've made your most recent ex into a narc as well? There were just some bad relationships, get over it once.'
Thankfully we have you, Dr. Ramani ❤ to validate what we're going through, to help us see that it was not ok, and that the aftermath is messy and difficult and should not be underestimated. Then my internal gaslighter takes a break, and I can breath better in the space of my reality..
Definitely an over-apologiser here, with a tendency to take on other people's responsibilities even at work, and feel guilty when they don't do their job. Not ideal and soo hard to shake off 😅
I’m guilty of doing this when it comes to apologizing for my mother’s behavior, trying to cover up for her when she says something inappropriate or racist and I don’t hold her accountable
These videos have helped me so much thank you. Exhaustion is putting it mildly. This video is me 100%.
It's hard-wired into you. You end up sorry for ever being born!
brighbite, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist!
It's been a month since I went no-contact from a toxic narcissistic "best" friend. Lately, I have been feeling guilt for it and wanted to go back but your videos really helped me relate and understand it all. I've been a self-critic for many years, didn't know why but I blamed everything on myself. Even when I do something good, my mind tells me it's not good enough or I'll find smallest mistakes and deeply regret it afterwards. It's hard for me not to feel guilty for everything all the time...
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Thank you. I really needed to hear this today.
freetobesuzylea,you got a lovely smile!
"knowing and holding your own reality" the exact thing the narcissist works so hard to strip you of. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all your videos, we ARE healing one video at time.
Oh shit 😳
It's such a so long time I'm practicing 😩 this self blame
If i only went to someone for 35 years ago
Somehow I think you're a strong person. Education is always welcome.
I even blame myself for that!( being unaware that people like covert narcissists even exist, that I was married to one and bought into his gaslighting,stonewalling, avoidance etc that only problems that exist are MY fault)....so naive...eyes open wide now, but way too late in life.
@@Suzu52 I sooooo do understand you 🌹done the same thing
@@cymbolichuman433 🌹
Going through this to an extreme right now. People call me out for apologizing for their or someone else's actions. I feel like absolute shit. Narcissistic father and then married to an extremely narcissistic husband . This video is invaluable -lifesaving. Thank you!!
This is one of the most helpful and validating videos I've seen yet. I can't even explain how much this hit home. Thank you.
I do this!!! Always taking the blame and apologizing for things that aren’t my fault!! Literally all the time
@@CalloCallay Even for breathing I'd say I was sorry! I even caught myself doing this and asked "exactly what I am even sorry for?"