@@Pfsif the enabler was loving, but ultimately weak. There's a part of me that will never forgive the enabler even though I understand why they felt they were stuck and couldn't leave until the kids were grown.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Listening to your educated, honest and straightforward information is helping me immensely. I just divorced after 26 years of marriage and 6 children...I still struggle. I appreciate your support/guidance!☀️
You need to apologise to yourself for accepting all the nonsense and lies!! Forgive yourself for being fooled by the Narc. Then starting learning to let go!! That’s when the healing starts🙏🏾
@@frankcrawford416 You are so right! I forgot that! I couldn’t help but hate the Narc for the pain they caused. I need to forgive myself for the hate... It’s so hard considering they set out to fool me. I guess I need to try..🤷🏽♀️
@The Marro, I hope you don't mind my weighing in. But I don't understand why you feel the need to "forgive yourself" for having had hatred for the narc. Hate is defined as "extreme dislike; revulsion; disgust". There's a reason why we have rage and anger and hate: Survival. To protect us. It's not only, not "wrong" to have these feelings; it's healthy and necessary to have them! If you didn't feel "dislike, revulsion and disgust" toward the abuse and the abuser, you'd still be in danger. Hate did what it was supposed to do: Let you know you were in an unbearable situation and act as the catalyst for protecting you by getting away from it. Unfortunately rage and hate are seen as being "wrong" and that we're "not good" if we have these natural emotions. You have a right to your emotions and feelings, no matter what they are. They are not wrong in any way. They are there to protect you and keep you safe. You have a right to the emotions that will cause you to get out of danger. Any "wrongness" is not in these emotions necessary for our survival; it's the way they can be acted on that can be very wrong, to cause violence and harm. The way narcs act on their feelings of rage and hate, to commit damage to others, is a prime example. You didn't act on the rage and hate by causing hurt and harm, toward the narc or anyone else. Only to get yourself to safety. Why "hate on hate" when it's doing its job of protecting us? Why do we have to be forgiven, or forgive ourselves, for feeling this necessary emotion, instead of respecting it for what it is, a reaction to protect us? You have no more reason to have to "forgive yourself" for the natural reaction that protected you by causing you to get away from being further harmed, than you would have to "forgive yourself" for possessing the sensory neurons that activates the process triggering the pain response that would make you protect yourself by pulling your hand away if you accidentally put it on a hot stove. Why be ashamed of the emotions we need to protect us? Pain is not what we wish to feel. But it's the rage and hate toward the narc, not "positive" emotions, that lets us know that something is wrong, there is pain, we're being harmed and and we have to get away from the source, like we have to take our hand away from the stove before we suffer more damage. Why should we only "own" positive emotions? The negative ones let us know something is wrong. They get us to safety, get us to where we can heal and live lives where the positive emotions can flourish. But anyone claiming we "have to forgive ourselves" for what caused us to get to that safety, is denying, disrespecting and degrading those most valuable necessary "negative emotions"...and nobody has the right to say to anybody, that any of their emotions, positive or negative are invalid or wrong. Nobody! You would only have a possible need to "forgive yourself" for hate, if you indulged the old unneeded hatred and allowed it to linger in your life and good self after it did its job of protecting you by giving the signal that you had to get away from the abuse. Like adrenaline, which gives the "fight or flight" response, anger and hate are destructive if they overstay their time of necessity. If the hatred stayed too long; then when you realised it, only then would you have any reason to forgive yourself for having that hate...but only because of the damage it would cause to your life and good self. Not because it was ever in any way "wrong" to have had those feelings toward the narc. What feelings would have been "forgivable" toward an abuser? Only "positive" feelings of love and happiness? I'm sure I don't need to say how sick and wrong that is. It's gaslighting to invalidate the painful "negative" emotions that let us know that something is very wrong...something is hurting us...and activate our actions that will get us to safety. Not to retaliate or to harm, just get out and get safe. Those feelings deserve to be honoured and respected. They can cause destruction if uncontrolled. But knowing them, owning them, respecting them and using them only for our protection is the positive action taken that can normally only happen by feeling those negative emotions, knowing and controlling them. Not by being ashamed of them. You obviously know the hatred had its place, time and purpose, and you're courageously working toward leaving behind that rage and hate that you now don't need anymore, and you're on the next level of protection and peace of mind and well-being...by letting them go and moving onward to healing and achieving a safe, happy and productive new life. But any notion it was ever wrong to have hatred toward the narc, or the natural "negative feelings" that are there to protect us, is invalidating both natural and necessary emotions that you need and have a right to. It's downright dehumanising. And it just puts more of a burden on those who already have a plateful of things to forgive themselves for and who are doing the best they can to heal from devastating trauma. You're not wallowing in the hatred you felt...You're releasing it! Isn't that enough?!! Haven't we all had enough of the narcs' (and their enablers') invalidating our feelings and emotions and natural reactions? Haven't we had enough of being abused through the narcs' gaslighting and telling us that we don't have a right to the way we feel and we react when we're mistreated? Enough is enough! You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to safety and the feelings and reactions you needed to help you get there. You have a right to peace of mind, happiness and the best life you can live! Tell yourself that, any time you need to.
So true, after a Narcissistic dad, who charmed the pants off of outsiders, my go to reaction to charming ppl is to wonder what are you hiding. I hate that, but it’s an involuntary muscle.
At least MOST of them are IMO. The most genuine, kind , romantic, helpful, loving people I have known have been so "under the table" so to speak. They do not draw attention to their actions, but "love quietly". It is a beautiful thing.
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Honestly.. there's a kind of humiliation in the fact I thought I was involved in a unique, personal relationship with someone, and we were facing unique issues. But then I just get on RUclips, and professional people I've never met have explained my confusing relationship to me to the last detail. They don't even have to know me, and yet they know the formula of a narcissistic relationship. It's so humiliating I was part of something so textbook. How do I forgive myself for being so naive
Because you didn't know. You can't know what you don't know until someone tells you. Now you have new knowledge you can make better decisions. No shame in being deceived by a narcissist. That shame is part of being gaslit.. Telling yourself that you should have known. 'should' is a shaming word, anytime you hear yourself using it stop and tell yourself the truth of the situation.. Which was that you literally did not know. Edited to add... You got this! Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself in your thought life.
First of all, we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, as Dr. Ramani said, these patterns of narcissistic abuse started in childhood. We couldn’t possibly understand the tricky dynamics of narcissistic abuse as children, such as trauma bonding, gaslighting, scapegoating, etc. It’s no wonder that we find ourselves in narcissistic relationships as adults, since we have been groomed for these since childhood! Remind yourself that you’re a rock star for surviving life thus far and for educating yourself on narcissism now! No more “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve!”
Narcs play on our textbook love, honesty, openness, ethics, morals, etc. Ime, the more positive qualities you have, the more easily and thoroughly a narc turns your life into a Gordian knot of shullbit. Narcs don't get easy supply from the jaded and cynical. Your giving nature allowed the narc to turn the direction of your tune bit by bit. Your decent nature also sought to *self-correct* the narc's influence. (And that's evidence you're strong.) At least you're aware you sing a better song. Ime, naive means inexperienced, and that's no sin. Thanks for reading. Stay strong 💪
I like what Dr. Ramani says here, about self-blame: and I add to it... IF we are blaming ourselves, we believe we are to blame, and therefore self-forgiveness isn't possible. Right? So I guess the first step in forgiving yourself for being naive... is to change the wording. It shouldn't be "naive", to be open-minded and trusting. THAT is what you are: open-minded and trusting. People who are malicious and "use" the good-nature of others to fuel their egos... THOSE are the shitty people of the world. The person who put you through this emotional and mental pain is to blame: they took whatever you were willing to give, with no thought of reciprocating, or of love being a "give and take". The best we can do is walk away, give ourselves love, and try to heal. And keep watching Dr. Ramani. :)
Wow! I could’ve written your comment... I’ve been listening to Doctor Les Carter and Doctor Ramani lately and have learned a lot about my long term relationship. I felt the same as you in that our relationship was unique and I was always trying to make excuses and I thought I just needed to love him and appreciate him more. But listen, why would any sane person appreciate verbal abuse and control. I could tell you many ways that he wanted control but I would be here all day. I’m using past tense even though I’m still in my marriage but my mind Is clearer and I’m going to get out.
"confusing empathy with enabling" (6:10). . . "as long as you keep playing that narcissistic relationship out in your head, you are still in it" (7:40)
Yes!! If you're going back to moments that had you in despair and hopelessness..they still have a hold on you and have you in the relationship! I had my ex try to trigger and contact me after 3 weeks no contact.. I had an involuntary anxiety attack due to the PTSD of the abuse and cycles ...but I didn't feel the need to have to continue to explain or justify or argue..I saw the patterns of their behaviour from the outside of it..and I was fine letting it go and not feeding their hook.. it felt GOOD!
I am stuck in the self blaming stage. It’s like my anger and depression has turned on myself. I overlooked so many red flags. I was so naive. I gave the best, most vulnerable parts of me to someone who is so emotionless and empty. I’m working on forgiving myself. I am trying to protect myself and not let myself fall into this trap again.
You've been programmed by a narcicistic/ sociopathic society to not see these until you were spiritually ready for this test, your job in life is to choose to use it to either: harm another with that knowledge or: turn it into wisdom and use it to help others that WANT help through it. Love your whole self again.
'Narcissistic relationships aren't about forgiving the narcissist, it's about forgiving yourself." Yas! The narcissists really don't deserve/need/or want my forgiveness. I'm so lucky to have booted two narcissists (one parent, one romantic partner) from my life. Never again
When are you going to forgive me was my narcissistic father's favourite thing to say whenever I tried to talk to him. But he never once asked forgiveness. So maybe you are right. They don't want forgiveness
Blaming yourself for not recognizing a narcissist right away, is like getting mad for not seeing through a magician’s trick when you were a kid. Even that sometimes takes YEARS to figure out you were being “played” albeit for entertainment.
I was manipulated and lied to by my grandmother from age 9 until I escaped at 18 into another narcissistic relationship, that one was with an evil ex. Took watching these videos to realize that my ex wasn’t the first narc in my life. Still, I look back & wonder how I could’ve fallen for the trap, even at 9 years old. I remember occasionally questioning something that didn’t make sense, only to stir up my grandmothers wrath, and I kick myself for not being suspicious of those reactions.
@@duaastar551 I started asking the Lord to forgive my mom for me, coos I couldn't.. after about 15 years, I was able to move from hate to dislike....with periods of feeling sorry for her coming through. During the next 10 years, I grew to really feel sorry for her.....but. I still had to keep distanced and protect my heart ..... Maybe my experience can give you info.
Im trying to forgive myself not for what i did but what i didn't do, standing up for myself, pushing back, honoring myself and having self-esteem but that's how I was raised BEING to afraid of standing up i was just a little kid and she wasn't protected from toxic hateful people so now i go in my mind and take that little girl, that young woman by the hand and tell her I GOT YOU, and ill protect you
Wow! You made my day!! I never thought of it this way before. But even now at 69, I’m still afraid to stand up for myself. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to take my hand like you say. I don’t know if I can protect me. I’ve been robbed of a decent life, and I had nothing to do with causing it.
I stood up for myself plenty over the 2+ years with my ex, and that’s still got me guilty/ashamed after I stepped out 9 months ago.. guess that’s part of the craziness of it all. Regardless of how we acted/didn’t act, we got the shame anyway..
If there’s any point at which they deny saying the poison you heard them spew outside your window or through the wall, they don’t deserve your forgiveness. They’ll only gaslight you more.
After 5 yrs, I still struggle to forgive myself. In my head I know I was a child, I had no power. Their forms of communication were gaslighting, lying, scapegoating......and yet, there is that tiny voice "What could I have done better? Why me & not my brothers? What was wrong with me?" I know all of that is utter bullshit, and yet I struggle to forgive myself. They caused me so much pain. Thank you Dr Ramani, never met you, what a difference you're making for those of us struggling with the after affects of narcissists.
That’s the very same question I have to this day continue to ask.....what is wrong with me? Even as a child I had been treated differently from the others.....siblings, students.....why??
We were treated that way because we had the amazing qualities that they didn't have in themselves. They didn't want to look towards the pain that they have, so they projected all those bad feelings of themselves onto us.... it wasn't our fault...
I finally got to this place! What a relief! The peace I have is life changing. I no longer beat myself up for believing in that person, it's their loss, not mine.
@Le'Forrest Salon and Spa Forrest So HAPPY that you made it! I'm just starting my journey. I just realized 1 month ago that I was in a NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP. I'm still trying to get over the STUNNED FEELING 😧!
@@ysmithriley keep believing in yourself. Surround yourself with true friends who believe in you. Meditate, take power walks, allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to laugh, dance in the mirror and hug yourself. Everyday will bring a new hurdle and everyday you will leap over it. Peace be unto you.
Yea its like a calmness after a real heavy storm. You are no longer angry anymore, neither at yourself nor him. You are just happy that you got out of it and take the experience as a lesson.
"Nobody is taught this, so why would you have seen this?" This statement was like a light turning on. None of us are taught to recognize psychopathy and narcissist or taught to understand the damage the abuse causes. I've been struggling to find a place of self-forgiveness and I think making this my new mantra will help immensely.
I have made it a mission to teach my children (11 & 13). I have not let it be scary, just gently showing them some behaviors to watch for. But also hoping I instill in them a self-love and confidence to not be duped in the first place. I may have been raised in abuse and spent so many years with my ex (not their father thank god!) but maybe I can save my children from it 🤞🏻♥️
Hey Karen, how are you feeling now a year later from your comment? I hope it got better and you removed ALL of the ppl who insist you kiss the narcs ass.
Try hard to go blank when he comes to mind. You will be still caught in the power of the narc's treatment. Think of him as bo- one, nothing. Helps me. Hope you are better. XXOO
I said my prayers last night to the heavenly father and said I just can't do this anymore and ask for divine intervention to release all the negativity and Malice that I carried
This was perfect timing, self forgiveness has been the hardest part of my healing process since I realized my ex husband was a covert narc, thank you, much luv and light 🙏💜
I’m that person who has been to multiple therapists and even two different marriage counselors with him; yet, the therapist I have now is the first to recognize what I’m going through and directed me to your videos. Every time I listen to one, I think, “That’s exactly it.” Thank you 💕
I'm so glad you found a counselor that knows what you're experiencing. This is my hope as well. To find some therapy that understands what life was like with a narcissist and the major, mental damage it's done. Good luck on your healing journey 💖
You are the only one that has been spot on to the life I have lived. 69 years of searching for this information. Thank you. I do blame myself for not protecting me.
Thank you that is very true. If you forgive the narcissist but not let them back in your life, they can face their own karma. If you forgive yourself, you have the chance for a new, amazing life without narcisstic bullshit.
I.👏🏼 did.👏🏼 nothing.👏🏼 wrong.👏🏼 Four little words that broke the chains of mental and emotional bondage that I have been carrying for so long. Thank you for that!🙏🏼💖💝💗
My online church service today said the exact same thing but from a Biblical perspective. I’m completely convinced that “I’ve been told” twice today to forgive myself and I’m weeping, because I know it’s true. The sermon today said if we are so busy pointing and blaming (at ourselves as well as at others), we are not receiving and healing. Perhaps if we all try to stop blaming ourselves and take the focus off who-did-what to us, and instead look at the lessons of how to better protect our souls, and embrace ourselves for doing the best we could before we knew better, we can heal. Peace to anyone who reads this and to Dr Ramani, thank you for helping me to save myself.
Thank you, this video really helps me. I’ve just come out of a relationship with a next-level narcissist, and I do beat myself up over why I fell for all the bullshit, lies and gaslighting for three years. I think I saw the warning signs all along, but my unconditional love for this person drove me to believe they were better than that, that all the drama was my fault, that I was imagining things, and because of that I forgave them, time and time again. I’m still reeling from the fact that someone who I thought was my soulmate can turn out to be so toxic and reckless. Our whole relationship now seems a lie, which I fell for.. being too naïve and essentially too loving. I don’t trust people easily, and I’ve learnt my lesson to trust people even less!
I cannot speak for others, but my faith revealed to me that, "it was a painful lesson that had to be learned." And I assure you that I have learned it.
My mother’s main thing she holds over my head is that apparently in the middle of my abuse when I was 13 I typed to my friend “I hate my mom I wish she would d** no one would care” (she snooped and read all my messages to my friends). Now as a 28 year old woman, who has been no contact with her mother for a year, I often feel so much guilt about what I said. Dr Ramani thank you so much for this video. I can’t explain how much I needed to hear that that was normal for someone in a scary abusive situation. She had me thinking I was terrible and I really believed her. Thank you so much again. I’m going to watch your replay of your last Zoom presentation today and really think on stuff purposely, not ruminate uncontrollably like I used to.
That's what she gets for snooping! I wrote "DIE MOM" above my bed when I was in my early teens. When my narc parents finally died I was so relieved. They put me through hell but now I am in a much better place in life. No contact is the way to go.
Gosh yeah.. but I didn't have to reach such transgressions to get all the negativity. Just being me apparently was enough to unload a boatload of passive aggressive blarney on my head... How as children we are supposed to navigate all this stuff and how anyone could expect us to is crazymaking. The guilt I carry is absurd and I need to work on this 🤗🤗✌️🙏
I hope you accept and do now the changes needed: was ,is , will be abuse from the mothers it is the technique they have ! Learning Truth will set as free , as I do now in my early sixties she is 83 years old doing the same gaslight to me . Slowly I am detaching emotionally and physically from her spell. Thanks to videos and canceling for years now I protect myself!
At the highest of my conflict with my narc mother, I had these sudden mental images of me smashing her head open to see what was in there. I screamed in my mind: what's in there??? I left for college to save me
When I was 12, my stepfather put petrol on barbeque wood which wasn't lighting and set himself on fire. He ran across the garden and dived into the pool. His whole head was bandaged for a while and he recovered without scarring. Seeing him aflame gave me a thrill of "serves him right". I've felt guilty for a long time, but I know it was really a helpless child's desire for justice. My covert narc mother used to pit us against each other by saying awful things behind our backs while pretending to be on each of our sides when alone. He was pretty nasty too, probably largely in response to being married go her, and I was cheeky back. We suspected, accused and blamed each other.
I'm getting better at self forgiveness. What I struggle with is the freedom. Now I can make my own choices, I have no idea what to do some days. I work a lot and that makes me feel good about myself, and more stable in my own life but my free time, I'm pretty lost these days.
Hi Dr Ramani, I'm basically new here. I'm 10.6 years out of a narc relationship. I was FUTURE FAKED for 5 years, and I ended it. My gut feeling kept telling me something was wrong, but I ignored it. I should have ran back then. I'm doing fine now, and I did blame myself for staying with him so long, but I did manage to forgive myself. It took a while, but I learned a valuable lesson.ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT FEELING...
You can't blame yourself for what you didn't know. You don't know what you don't know until you know. I had a string of abusive, very narcissistic people--I thought it was "normal". This, in spite of the fact that the more grounded folks around me weren't experiencing the same. It was doing the heavy lifting of examining what was wounded in me that opened the path to attracting toxic, abusive, narcissistic types that set me free. A much younger sister of a friend said to me, "You predicate your relations on the actions of others" In other words, it wasn't if I liked a person but if they liked me." Trust me, that kind of thinking can dictate how you negotiate throughout your life. Today, I notice how guys with obvious insecurities gravitate and admire rude, abusive narcissists--and I see how the narcissist play them. That used to be me. Disgusting.
Exactly! Can very much relate. Embarrassed to admit, but never thought I HAD the option or the right even, to PICK friends...like it was something others got to do, not me. So I just waited for people to gravitate toward me. Unfortunately most of them were not healthy, and were incredibly narcissistic. Like you, it seemed normal to me too. This realization you shared is HUGE and our first giant step toward freedom!!
That just gave me a whole lot to think about. I think I’ve also felt like I had to wait for them to come to me. Like I wasn’t worth enough to chose whose in my life. Almost like a scarcity feeling, if this person likes me then I better keep ‘em around cause who knows if I’ll ever get someone to like me again!” And it’s almost worse as you age cause it gets harder and harder to make friends as an adult. Thank you for your comment… I gotta go journal 🤔
After I left my narcissist ex, ‘friends’ would tell me they were sorry. That felt strange to hear because I was so relieved to have finally escaped that dungeon for good! Nothing to be sorry about at all!
Wow Dr. Ramani!!!! No therapist I’ve ever consulted with has ever put it this way!!!! You really took me to the core of this issue! You’re also the SECOND person who has ever said [in my life] that not forgiving is PERFECTLY OK!!!! I think forgiveness is such a misunderstood element, but only my one friend and you have ever given me a NEW PROSPECTIVE in it!!!!
My grandparents and great grandparents were narcistic. These traits also showed up in my uncles where my mother was the perpetual scapegoat. I have been angry at my mom for a long time for not showing my uncles the door, for allowing them to influence us the way they did. I had a talk with her this morning and she told me that 'she needed so much more as a child'. Thanks to this video, I can start to grasp what exactly she lacked. Her parents sucked. Her brothers sucked. Her grandparents sucked. I need to forgive her for lacking the tools to actually fix the situation. And she needs to forgive herself that she fell victim to narcists and that there wasnt a damn she could do about it. And I need to forgive myself for not understanding the role of the scapegoat of the family and being unable to set effective boundaries to keep narcists out. It wasnt our fault.
I would still be deaf, dumb and blind if not for you. You taking the time to dissect these situations, explain and label them has been a God send. I would still be wandering around in the dark and fog of confusion had I not found this channel. My daughter was right when she said, " At least you lived long enough to find out the truth, maybe now you can find closure."❤
Did not realize how much I needed to hear this until I broke down in tears. That negative self talk and self blame after these kinds of relationships does a number on a person. Thanks for sharing this! ❤
"Self blame becomes your first language..." Ouch. I needed to hear this one. I spent my entire childhood believing that I was fundamentally flawed because there was nothing I could do to make my mother happy. It has taken me half a lifetime (and that's if I live a long life) to understand that her responses to me were not about me. Thanks for helping me see the things and let go of the false beliefs and the guilt that were, unfortunately, my birthright.
I’m learning that just because my family or that romantic partner didn’t love me, it doesn’t mean I’m worthless. I’m the most important person for myself to forgive.
I told my mother I forgave her for myself, not for her, and that I would be honest with myself and others about my childhood experience. She never talked to me again. I felt hurt but my childhood experience was validated (if she acted like this now, she did in the past), and felt released.
Thank you. Self-forgiveness is so hard right now and self-torture with those invisible ropes and am trying to let go of the past relationship. I saw signs but didn't want to believe that he was like that. 3.5 years and he was already in another relationship and the entire situation was horrible and found out that he was with someone else by the new person while living with me. It's a long grocery list of issues on his end and it has only been 2-3 months since I found out and have been in therapy for a long time.
I just learner I am a Advocate INFJ. I struggle with how to separate my feelings from others especially the covert narcissists. I fear I will never find a therapist that would understand me as I battle my way out of the 28 year relationship. Maybe once I get my self trust completely back, where I should always follow my gut instincts, I will find a way to forgive myself. Thanks Dr. Ramani for opening that door for me to walk through!!!
Those gut feelings or your self trust is you recognising red flags but you've been gaslit into believing that you seeing red flags is a sign you're mad or nuts or insane etc. IT'S NOT! you seeing red flags or having a gut feeling is your way to healing. Trust your self and don't gaslight yourself! You deserve to be safe and happy and to have a good life and that means kicking the rubbish-people in your life to the curb
@@playalot8513 Thanks Playalot for the encouragement! I do believe everything you said to be so accurate. I was being gaslighted I just did know it because it was so against my nature!! I will now trust those feelings first so I don't make that mistake again! You must be further along than I. I appreciate you saying I deserve better! I'm working on kicking the rubbish-people out! Only going to let people who in who earn the right to be in my inner circle. Peace and Love to you for you kindness!
I got the rundown on self forgiveness from therapy and it made complete sense. Forgiving the child I was for the self blame is powerful advice. This is why I stay subbed ... never stop, this advice is gold
Forgiving myself for being stupid, naive, and overly forgiving is actually easier than forgiving myself for the pain I caused the people that love me. Every time my family warned me, every time they listened to me crying on the phone, the sleepless nights and pain I caused my mother, and the worry I caused my family....that's what I struggle with. It's hard for me to say that I deserve better than a narcissistic abuser because I willingly caused my family this pain.
we need a word other than"relationship" when it comes to the push/pull or pull/pull between a narcissist and their target/prey. To say there is a relationship implies a shared emotional space where awareness and caring exist. I now realize both my narcissistic parent and narcissistic ex-spouse could not be present emotionally in the same reality as I was experiencing. To them, I was no more human than a dog. To me, I now have a better relationship with my dog than I ever had with them!
'as long as you keep playing that narcissistic relationship over in your head, you're still in it'. Wow, that really spoke to me, it's been over a decade since, but wow, thank you.
Only 6 months in a relationship with a narcissist, 3 months after no contact I am still strugling so much. I can't imagine the pain of being raised with narcissistic parents.
I hear that M. 2 and a half years for me and at least a year of that was spent trying to get him out of my house. I ruminate daily, yes a struggle still. Thank goodness my parents were awesome.
Mine was about six months too. It took me one year and a months to finally to thinking about it h24 anymore and put it in the past. You won't be the same as before but you will be wiser and stronger.
Well, I learned to self-forgive in the following way: If I did something wrong, I try to identify the cause and to never make the same error again. Further, everyone makes severe errors now and then. Its human nature and stems from our inability to have full information - in addition to potentially giving in into irrational feelings. In the end, the only thing you can do is to try to not make the same errors twice and with it forgive your self that you make them. If you where not making any errors ever, you would be a god and not a human. It is thus a sign of humility to accept ones errors and forgive oneself.
I love that: "our inability to have full information". I was always trying to get information from my narc: to try to make things make sense! But they never did.
I wasted time appealing to my narc mother that we all make mistakes and can forgive each other. I find that truth so healing, but to the narc it's anathema
Thankyou. I have this saved and I listen to it every morning as part of my meditation routine. It is because they are everywhere. They do not give up easily. And also, others blame us "well you did it!" the self doubt builds up in layers over our lifetime.
I have no problem for giving myself for the narcissistic con artist's abuse of 22 years. But I have a real problem trusting my own gut instinct for a future relationship.💔
Perfect advice, perfect timing. Just stepping out of my third narcissistic relationship at the age of 56 and thinking how have I made such a mess of my choices. This last one was so traumatic that the universe steered me into the direction of understanding narcissism and BAM! I mistook enabling for empathy. Time to forgive myself and not think of it as years wasted but years wiser.
Forgiving myself is my goal. I’m working on it, but MAN, I’m finding it hard. So many old ideas to let go of. I will do this. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your help.
My problem was I knew it I saw it and still went ahead into it. The hardest thing I have is in forgiveness is forgiving myself for the way I acted as a result of the way I was being treated
Same happened to me. Not only did I know, it was him who told me about it, he warned me AND lovebombed at the same time. He himself explained it all to me and I fell for that anyway. Difficult not to blame my stupidity for doing that… on and on… for months now. Trying to break this trauma bond for the fifth time now 😢
💕 self forgiveness for not knowing now we know and know when to walk away Now we know better This is really about the knowledge Not about the lack of knowledge of how broken they are Thank you 😁 Dr. Ramani top notch 👌 every time
What helps me is the saying, what is man rejection is god protection. I know it’s tough to feel like you are dumped but just know, once time passes and you keep listening to healthy information about how that person is just toxic, it will help you to understand and get over it, blessing to you on your journey and to us all ♥️
even after 37 years I am shocked at the abuser acting like all is forgiven immediately after lies, abuse and rage and unforgivable bs. it is not my place to forgive, ever. that is for God. my job now is to protect me.
How I landed here, I'm not sure but I thank you Dr. Ramani I was raised by narcissistic parents, it's confusing even in my adult life. Didn't know growing up that it was wrong what was happening. Your channel is so informative and just watching you I'm healing already 💐
I did nothing wrong! That made something inside me completely release into tears. That will be my mantra for now. I hated my father at age 13 already and ran away at age 14. I made so many mistakes in life. Self blame is my first language. That's absolutely true. In everything.
My take? Absolutely - YOU did nothing wrong. And it's very important you care for & forgive innocent you. Flip side? You can't "forgive" someone who... - Is not sorry - They don't believe they did anything wrong. In reality, they enjoy hurting you. - Ridiculously expects you to develop "abuse amnesia" that enables continued abuse. - Has no capacity or desire to change their behavior. - You are not required to associate with anyone. That is YOUR choice. - You have the RIGHT to protect yourself. Hopefully you are able to set up effective boundaries and/or leave the relationship. Forgive yourself. Put that toxic person in the rear view, move on to hopefully a happy life. Bright blessings to all & wishes for a happy life.
Forgiving ourselves is such a difficult thing to do, it's not always linear either, sometimes you forgive yourself only to be sucked back into a blame cycle again in future. Yet forgiving ourselves time and again can and should be done. Sometimes are easier than others and it's all valid. Not being able to yet is also ok, there is no timeline.
Remember, "Be kind to yourself" we didn't get to an emotionally vulnerable place in a day or week. It took months and\or year(s) of systematic conditioning to be broken down and entangled into the Narc's web of dissociation. It's going to take time to rebuild ourselves and purge the false narrative.
When I realised what I had had to endure during my childhood, my marriage and also as a mother and as a mother in law I sometimes visualise: I am flying a small plane There is a lot turbulence I have to crash land on a small meadow I feel dizzy and shook up BUT After checking that my body is intact I manage to open the plane door and walk away I have some bruises here and there But I am alive and still kicking Thank you Dr Ramani for helping me survive years of abuse by sharing your empathy and knowledge so generously. 🤶 Stockholm Sweden
I will forgive myself for not mentally "waking up" sooner. I will forgive myself for the mistakes I made that lead me into getting narcissisticly abused. And most importantly, I will forgive myself for all the justifications I made rationalized why the narcissists in my life do the questionable things they do while I was mentally asleep.
This one is so timely and a much needed listen for me, one year later from recording. Parenting myself in the last month from healing from dysfunctional family system and intimate relationship narcissistic abuse since 2015. I welcome this pivoting healing point. Forgiving myself and healing and loving my little kiddo and teen and most adult versions of me and parenting all through denial of my entire life. My adult kiddos are now discussing our truth story. I feel free for the first time in my life at 53. Even while living in a home I purchased with my mom during shelter in place. Took me almost two years to fully accept my childhood pain source, or the other 50% of my other childhood pain source. This is a wild journey. Thanks for helping me walk my way through it. 🎉
It’s just been a few days since it all came crashing down with the narcissist that was in my life. I had already watched your videos about BPD since one of my previous partner suffered from that and I believe this narcissist I was with does as well but she was never diagnosed. She refused to do so. Thanks for your perspective on forgiveness towards the narcissist is a very personal decision. With that said I have tried to find a reason or times when I’ve failed or made mistakes to justify the narcissist’s actions. I’m finding it hard to take away some blame. I do find myself thinking whether I didn’t do enough, when I got cold in the relationship, what could’ve I done better or different. Right now this all feels so raw and painful to really feel like I’m making any progress but at least I’m trying to watch as many of your videos as possible. I commend all of the people out there who’ve gone through what I have gone through and not just survive but come out stronger. I hope I can do the same one day. Right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet
I was in a 34 year marriage and I didn't know why her was treating me so badly. Over those years I tried to please him. Yes, I feel stupid for taking that behavior for so long. Everyone tells me to forgive him for what he did. I can't do it. Thank you for this video to forgive myself. That is exactly what I am going to do.
Totally get and agree with what you're saying here. I'm at the point now where I'm realizing that narcissism was a big part of my life since childhood. I'm now learning that I was being setup to fail in life because some of my family members just didn't like me, and others only enjoyed the novelty of me being a cute child to play with, once that phase was over they didn't care about me any more. I was being setup to grow up as "the good for nothing" I was rejected by the males in my family, father, uncle, cousins, no one was interesting in teaching me anything and I had to learn about the world, the hard way. I'm realizing that I never actually had any support. Learning all this came by having to move back home at 31 after spending from age 21 mostly on my own and not fully understanding what to do, but still pushing with what knowledge I had. I'm not a total failure though, I still did accomplish some things and was nearing success, if I can just get a fresh start with what I know now I think I can make it this time... But I sense there is still some piece of knowledge that I'm missing, something to do with finances, some piece of financial knowledge that will connect me with better self sufficiency, but even so, with all I know now, I have to forgive myself for dealing with the wrong people, let some slide because I thought they cared about me, for not putting my needs first and for continuing to waste time in situations that I should have gotten out of. "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." -Maya Angelou
I am so glad to have found her and her videos. Yesterday was probably the 14th time I have tried leaving my boyfriend. I don't really have friends anymore (no one to talk to about my relationship) which makes it lonely and much harder to stay away, and why I end up going back. I remember the first time I tried leaving him, we were only 2 months in and I was still "me". One tough cookie, not about to take anyone's crap. I wanted to get away from him so bad, that I walked for 8 hours to get to my car (it was mid summer too and boy was that sun shining). Whenever I think back to that day, I get upset with myself. I should have stayed away. Now, it is 7 years later and I happen to watch these videos. They are dead on, exactly what my relationship is. This has been extremely helpful. I am going to really try and get out of this. Thank you for all the information.
I need to learn this sooo badly. I eat myself up for allowing things for letting it go for giving in for trying to be good..... i have to move forward now.
![Twenty One Pilots - “The Line” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/E2Rj2gQAyPA/mqdefault.jpg)
Unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance ✊❤️
Keep your boundaries high
and your tolerance low
Exactly
Now, there’s an excellent mantra for us all!
Perfectly worded !!!!!!!
I am going to write this up and put it on my wall. 👍🏼🌻
Very well said. I’m writing that down in my book of quotes. All the best ✌️
"Your narcissist parent sucked" oh that put a smile on my face. Damn right they did
♥️
And so did the enabling parent.
yep
@@Pfsif the enabler was loving, but ultimately weak. There's a part of me that will never forgive the enabler even though I understand why they felt they were stuck and couldn't leave until the kids were grown.
It was liberating and validating to hear that! Wasn’t it! Hearing her say that definitely frees us from the responsibility!
This almost made me cry. Thank you so much Dr Ramani. We never met, but over the past 6 months you've saved my life and helped me not go insane.
💗♥️
I feel the same 💜
I feel the same too💖
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Listening to your educated, honest and straightforward information is helping me immensely. I just divorced after 26 years of marriage and 6 children...I still struggle. I appreciate your support/guidance!☀️
Yes kyle once we figure out we are not alone in this madness the real fear can be addressed.
You need to apologise to yourself for accepting all the nonsense and lies!! Forgive yourself for being fooled by the Narc. Then starting learning to let go!! That’s when the healing starts🙏🏾
And also along with your fine comment is to forgive yourself for hating them.
@@frankcrawford416 You are so right! I forgot that! I couldn’t help but hate the Narc for the pain they caused. I need to forgive myself for the hate... It’s so hard considering they set out to fool me. I guess I need to try..🤷🏽♀️
❤️🦂♏
@@donnawoodford6641 You are Very rigth ,racism ,Religion intolerance,Hate a and jealousy are all forms of narcissism.
@The Marro, I hope you don't mind my weighing in. But I don't understand why you feel the need to "forgive yourself" for having had hatred for the narc. Hate is defined as "extreme dislike; revulsion; disgust". There's a reason why we have rage and anger and hate: Survival. To protect us. It's not only, not "wrong" to have these feelings; it's healthy and necessary to have them! If you didn't feel "dislike, revulsion and disgust" toward the abuse and the abuser, you'd still be in danger. Hate did what it was supposed to do: Let you know you were in an unbearable situation and act as the catalyst for protecting you by getting away from it. Unfortunately rage and hate are seen as being "wrong" and that we're "not good" if we have these natural emotions. You have a right to your emotions and feelings, no matter what they are. They are not wrong in any way. They are there to protect you and keep you safe. You have a right to the emotions that will cause you to get out of danger. Any "wrongness" is not in these emotions necessary for our survival; it's the way they can be acted on that can be very wrong, to cause violence and harm. The way narcs act on their feelings of rage and hate, to commit damage to others, is a prime example.
You didn't act on the rage and hate by causing hurt and harm, toward the narc or anyone else. Only to get yourself to safety. Why "hate on hate" when it's doing its job of protecting us? Why do we have to be forgiven, or forgive ourselves, for feeling this necessary emotion, instead of respecting it for what it is, a reaction to protect us?
You have no more reason to have to "forgive yourself" for the natural reaction that protected you by causing you to get away from being further harmed, than you would have to "forgive yourself" for possessing the sensory neurons that activates the process triggering the pain response that would make you protect yourself by pulling your hand away if you accidentally put it on a hot stove.
Why be ashamed of the emotions we need to protect us? Pain is not what we wish to feel. But it's the rage and hate toward the narc, not "positive" emotions, that lets us know that something is wrong, there is pain, we're being harmed and and we have to get away from the source, like we have to take our hand away from the stove before we suffer more damage.
Why should we only "own" positive emotions? The negative ones let us know something is wrong. They get us to safety, get us to where we can heal and live lives where the positive emotions can flourish. But anyone claiming we "have to forgive ourselves" for what caused us to get to that safety, is denying, disrespecting and degrading those most valuable necessary "negative emotions"...and nobody has the right to say to anybody, that any of their emotions, positive or negative are invalid or wrong. Nobody!
You would only have a possible need to "forgive yourself" for hate, if you indulged the old unneeded hatred and allowed it to linger in your life and good self after it did its job of protecting you by giving the signal that you had to get away from the abuse. Like adrenaline, which gives the "fight or flight" response, anger and hate are destructive if they overstay their time of necessity. If the hatred stayed too long; then when you realised it, only then would you have any reason to forgive yourself for having that hate...but only because of the damage it would cause to your life and good self. Not because it was ever in any way "wrong" to have had those feelings toward the narc.
What feelings would have been "forgivable" toward an abuser? Only "positive" feelings of love and happiness?
I'm sure I don't need to say how sick and wrong that is.
It's gaslighting to invalidate the painful "negative" emotions that let us know that something is very wrong...something is hurting us...and activate our actions that will get us to safety. Not to retaliate or to harm, just get out and get safe. Those feelings deserve to be honoured and respected. They can cause destruction if uncontrolled. But knowing them, owning them, respecting them and using them only for our protection is the positive action taken that can normally only happen by feeling those negative emotions, knowing and controlling them. Not by being ashamed of them.
You obviously know the hatred had its place, time and purpose, and you're courageously working toward leaving behind that rage and hate that you now don't need anymore, and you're on the next level of protection and peace of mind and well-being...by letting them go and moving onward to healing and achieving a safe, happy and productive new life.
But any notion it was ever wrong to have hatred toward the narc, or the natural "negative feelings" that are there to protect us, is invalidating both natural and necessary emotions that you need and have a right to. It's downright dehumanising. And it just puts more of a burden on those who already have a plateful of things to forgive themselves for and who are doing the best they can to heal from devastating trauma.
You're not wallowing in the hatred you felt...You're releasing it! Isn't that enough?!!
Haven't we all had enough of the narcs' (and their enablers') invalidating our feelings and emotions and natural reactions? Haven't we had enough of being abused through the narcs' gaslighting and telling us that we don't have a right to the way we feel and we react when we're mistreated?
Enough is enough!
You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to safety and the feelings and reactions you needed to help you get there. You have a right to peace of mind, happiness and the best life you can live! Tell yourself that, any time you need to.
It's so sad though that after a narcissist or two, every charming person starts to feel "dangerous".
Charm is such a facade.
Yup!
So true, after a Narcissistic dad, who charmed the pants off of outsiders, my go to reaction to charming ppl is to wonder what are you hiding. I hate that, but it’s an involuntary muscle.
I don’t trust “charming” people. Never really have.
At least MOST of them are IMO.
The most genuine, kind , romantic, helpful, loving people I have known have been so "under the table" so to speak. They do not draw attention to their actions, but "love quietly".
It is a beautiful thing.
“Forgive the child you were first” is great advice. I realize how much self-blame from childhood and adolescence still runs through my head.
💗
Yep. I often feel I’m the toxic one etc for things I did as a child/teen
i cried when Dr Ramani said that part. i just cannot tell anyone about what i’ve been thru when i was young not even my therapist.
@@rijay3338 ♥️
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Honestly.. there's a kind of humiliation in the fact I thought I was involved in a unique, personal relationship with someone, and we were facing unique issues. But then I just get on RUclips, and professional people I've never met have explained my confusing relationship to me to the last detail. They don't even have to know me, and yet they know the formula of a narcissistic relationship. It's so humiliating I was part of something so textbook. How do I forgive myself for being so naive
Because you didn't know. You can't know what you don't know until someone tells you. Now you have new knowledge you can make better decisions. No shame in being deceived by a narcissist. That shame is part of being gaslit.. Telling yourself that you should have known. 'should' is a shaming word, anytime you hear yourself using it stop and tell yourself the truth of the situation.. Which was that you literally did not know. Edited to add... You got this! Forgive yourself and be kind to yourself in your thought life.
First of all, we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, as Dr. Ramani said, these patterns of narcissistic abuse started in childhood. We couldn’t possibly understand the tricky dynamics of narcissistic abuse as children, such as trauma bonding, gaslighting, scapegoating, etc. It’s no wonder that we find ourselves in narcissistic relationships as adults, since we have been groomed for these since childhood! Remind yourself that you’re a rock star for surviving life thus far and for educating yourself on narcissism now! No more “could’ve, should’ve, would’ve!”
Narcs play on our textbook love, honesty, openness, ethics, morals, etc.
Ime, the more positive qualities you have, the more easily and thoroughly a narc turns your life into a Gordian knot of shullbit. Narcs don't get easy supply from the jaded and cynical.
Your giving nature allowed the narc to turn the direction of your tune bit by bit. Your decent nature also sought to *self-correct* the narc's influence. (And that's evidence you're strong.) At least you're aware you sing a better song.
Ime, naive means inexperienced, and that's no sin.
Thanks for reading.
Stay strong 💪
I like what Dr. Ramani says here, about self-blame: and I add to it... IF we are blaming ourselves, we believe we are to blame, and therefore self-forgiveness isn't possible. Right? So I guess the first step in forgiving yourself for being naive... is to change the wording. It shouldn't be "naive", to be open-minded and trusting. THAT is what you are: open-minded and trusting. People who are malicious and "use" the good-nature of others to fuel their egos... THOSE are the shitty people of the world. The person who put you through this emotional and mental pain is to blame: they took whatever you were willing to give, with no thought of reciprocating, or of love being a "give and take". The best we can do is walk away, give ourselves love, and try to heal. And keep watching Dr. Ramani. :)
Wow! I could’ve written your comment... I’ve been listening to Doctor Les Carter and Doctor Ramani lately and have learned a lot about my long term relationship. I felt the same as you in that our relationship was unique and I was always trying to make excuses and I thought I just needed to love him and appreciate him more. But listen, why would any sane person appreciate verbal abuse and control. I could tell you many ways that he wanted control but I would be here all day. I’m using past tense even though I’m still in my marriage but my mind Is clearer and I’m going to get out.
"confusing empathy with enabling" (6:10). . . "as long as you keep playing that narcissistic relationship out in your head, you are still in it" (7:40)
Or confusing forgiveness for weakness and licence to take more liberties, more opportunities to disrespect and exploit this weakness
Thanks for pulling this out
It’s sooo powerful
Yes!! If you're going back to moments that had you in despair and hopelessness..they still have a hold on you and have you in the relationship! I had my ex try to trigger and contact me after 3 weeks no contact.. I had an involuntary anxiety attack due to the PTSD of the abuse and cycles ...but I didn't feel the need to have to continue to explain or justify or argue..I saw the patterns of their behaviour from the outside of it..and I was fine letting it go and not feeding their hook.. it felt GOOD!
I am stuck in the self blaming stage. It’s like my anger and depression has turned on myself.
I overlooked so many red flags. I was so naive. I gave the best, most vulnerable parts of me to someone who is so emotionless and empty. I’m working on forgiving myself. I am trying to protect myself and not let myself fall into this trap again.
It is not your fault u thought u were with a human not a demon
You've been programmed by a narcicistic/ sociopathic society to not see these until you were spiritually ready for this test, your job in life is to choose to use it to either: harm another with that knowledge or: turn it into wisdom and use it to help others that WANT help through it. Love your whole self again.
'Narcissistic relationships aren't about forgiving the narcissist, it's about forgiving yourself." Yas! The narcissists really don't deserve/need/or want my forgiveness. I'm so lucky to have booted two narcissists (one parent, one romantic partner) from my life. Never again
❤️
Amen, sister!!!💓
Agreed. Some people aren't worthy of forgiveness.
When are you going to forgive me was my narcissistic father's favourite thing to say whenever I tried to talk to him. But he never once asked forgiveness.
So maybe you are right. They don't want forgiveness
Yes I agree...we must gain wisdom or we are doomed to repeat the same mistake.
Blaming yourself for not recognizing a narcissist right away, is like getting mad for not seeing through a magician’s trick when you were a kid. Even that sometimes takes YEARS to figure out you were being “played” albeit for entertainment.
With narcissists it is that they’re playing you for their entertainment. Now that we see the trick better, it is we that can be amused.
I was manipulated and lied to by my grandmother from age 9 until I escaped at 18 into another narcissistic relationship, that one was with an evil ex. Took watching these videos to realize that my ex wasn’t the first narc in my life. Still, I look back & wonder how I could’ve fallen for the trap, even at 9 years old. I remember occasionally questioning something that didn’t make sense, only to stir up my grandmothers wrath, and I kick myself for not being suspicious of those reactions.
Tanman, that's the challenge, and the key.
The thing with forgiveness is that I have to forgive myself every single day.
One day at a time, right :/
You are safe now♡
I hate my mom
@@duaastar551 I started asking the Lord to forgive my mom for me, coos I couldn't.. after about 15 years, I was able to move from hate to dislike....with periods of feeling sorry for her coming through. During the next 10 years, I grew to really feel sorry for her.....but. I still had to keep distanced and protect my heart .....
Maybe my experience can give you info.
.......for as long as it takes. Being kind, caring, loving, and gentle with oneself.
Im trying to forgive myself not for what i did but what i didn't do, standing up for myself, pushing back, honoring myself and having self-esteem but that's how I was raised BEING to afraid of standing up i was just a little kid and she wasn't protected from toxic hateful people so now i go in my mind and take that little girl, that young woman by the hand and tell her I GOT YOU, and ill protect you
Wow! You made my day!!
I never thought of it this way before.
But even now at 69, I’m still afraid to stand up for myself. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to take my hand like you say. I don’t know if I can protect me.
I’ve been robbed of a decent life, and I had nothing to do with causing it.
Oh wow. That is exactly it. What a helpful comment. Thank you so much for sharing this idea.
I stood up for myself plenty over the 2+ years with my ex, and that’s still got me guilty/ashamed after I stepped out 9 months ago.. guess that’s part of the craziness of it all. Regardless of how we acted/didn’t act, we got the shame anyway..
#myNrwMood24/7👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
The video made me cry. Your comment made me cry harder...
I am crying. What a burden lifted. I am so grateful I found you!
yep
Being the "bigger person" for yourself is one of the best feelings ever 💜
yep
You give them an inch, they'll take a mile. Forgiving the narc is enabling them to abuse you more, forgiving yourself is where you start to heal.
If there’s any point at which they deny saying the poison you heard them spew outside your window or through the wall, they don’t deserve your forgiveness. They’ll only gaslight you more.
Thank you. I just left my narcissistic marriage of 16 years and needed to hear this.
Forgiveness is not holding bitterness towards the narcissist. We don't have to accept the narcissist back into our life once we forgive them.
So flyyyy Tatiana!
😊😊😊
I love the little eye roll she sometimes does when she says "narcissist." 💖
To be 100% honest I HATE that word. I wish there was a different term.
Forgiving yourself truly is the greatest path to healing. Remember to be gentle with yourself you've already been through enough.
too much unfair
❤❤❤❤
I was literally ruminating about the narc when I saw this
I am glad I forgive myself. Once you do, you can make boundaries.
I was too!
it is normal to relive trauma, you brain is trying to make sense to stablize. cognitive dissonance.
After 5 yrs, I still struggle to forgive myself. In my head I know I was a child, I had no power. Their forms of communication were gaslighting, lying, scapegoating......and yet, there is that tiny voice "What could I have done better? Why me & not my brothers? What was wrong with me?" I know all of that is utter bullshit, and yet I struggle to forgive myself.
They caused me so much pain.
Thank you Dr Ramani, never met you, what a difference you're making for those of us struggling with the after affects of narcissists.
I'm going through it too it's been close to 5 years
That’s the very same question I have to this day continue to ask.....what is wrong with me? Even as a child I had been treated differently from the others.....siblings, students.....why??
We were treated that way because we had the amazing qualities that they didn't have in themselves. They didn't want to look towards the pain that they have, so they projected all those bad feelings of themselves onto us.... it wasn't our fault...
Who always have ugly crying while watching dr. Ramani video??? thank you for validating me my inner child is thanked you
I finally got to this place! What a relief! The peace I have is life changing. I no longer beat myself up for believing in that person, it's their loss, not mine.
@Le'Forrest Salon and Spa Forrest So HAPPY that you made it! I'm just starting my journey. I just realized 1 month ago that I was in a NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP. I'm still trying to get over the STUNNED FEELING 😧!
@@ysmithriley keep believing in yourself. Surround yourself with true friends who believe in you. Meditate, take power walks, allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to laugh, dance in the mirror and hug yourself. Everyday will bring a new hurdle and everyday you will leap over it. Peace be unto you.
@@leforrestsalonandspaforres8529 Thank you!
Yea its like a calmness after a real heavy storm. You are no longer angry anymore, neither at yourself nor him. You are just happy that you got out of it and take the experience as a lesson.
@@leforrestsalonandspaforres8529 ❤❤❤
"Nobody is taught this, so why would you have seen this?" This statement was like a light turning on. None of us are taught to recognize psychopathy and narcissist or taught to understand the damage the abuse causes. I've been struggling to find a place of self-forgiveness and I think making this my new mantra will help immensely.
I have made it a mission to teach my children (11 & 13). I have not let it be scary, just gently showing them some behaviors to watch for. But also hoping I instill in them a self-love and confidence to not be duped in the first place. I may have been raised in abuse and spent so many years with my ex (not their father thank god!) but maybe I can save my children from it 🤞🏻♥️
What are some things that you teach them? Asking because I have two young sons and want to impart the same lessons.
I’m still too angry with him to forgive either of us. Being lied to , verbally abused , cheated on is too much for me. Hope I can get there someday :(
Hey Karen, how are you feeling now a year later from your comment? I hope it got better and you removed ALL of the ppl who insist you kiss the narcs ass.
7’
Do not let the biggest bully in your life to be you. "self compassion" is very important.
Accepting people for who they are makes life so much easier.
Try hard to go blank when he comes to mind. You will be still caught in the power of the narc's treatment. Think of him as bo- one, nothing. Helps me. Hope you are better. XXOO
"No- one"
I woke up this morning from a dream with this question.....my entire life full of narcs....My healing is at hand in forgiving myself Totally ♥️💫🤗
I said my prayers last night to the heavenly father and said I just can't do this anymore and ask for divine intervention to release all the negativity and Malice that I carried
♡ He will help.
God speed 🙏. I felt better when I woke this morning. Thank you😇
@@cynthiamiller1983 always look to Above :)
Thank you.....you are an angel 😇🙏
@@cynthiamiller1983 how are you now?
This was perfect timing, self forgiveness has been the hardest part of my healing process since I realized my ex husband was a covert narc, thank you, much luv and light 🙏💜
So hard to do...I agree...my covert wife is an expert at the blame game so we must learn to get past that feeling.
I’m that person who has been to multiple therapists and even two different marriage counselors with him; yet, the therapist I have now is the first to recognize what I’m going through and directed me to your videos. Every time I listen to one, I think, “That’s exactly it.” Thank you 💕
I'm so glad you found a counselor that knows what you're experiencing. This is my hope as well. To find some therapy that understands what life was like with a narcissist and the major, mental damage it's done. Good luck on your healing journey 💖
i forgive myself for stayng for too long . and i know im not wrng & i did everythng . everythng happn for a reason ... 🌱🙏🏻
Me, too. Same.
You are the only one that has been spot on to the life I have lived. 69 years of searching for this information. Thank you. I do blame myself for not protecting me.
This is where I'm at now. I feel guilty for putting myself through the abuse. But, I need to show grace to myself.
Thank you that is very true. If you forgive the narcissist but not let them back in your life, they can face their own karma. If you forgive yourself, you have the chance for a new, amazing life without narcisstic bullshit.
I have spent two full years angry and disgusted with myself for not seeing him for what he is. I gave so much in love and effort.
Thank you for saying the magic words "my narcissistic parent sucks" I needed this
I.👏🏼 did.👏🏼 nothing.👏🏼 wrong.👏🏼
Four little words that broke the chains of mental and emotional bondage that I have been carrying for so long. Thank you for that!🙏🏼💖💝💗
My online church service today said the exact same thing but from a Biblical perspective. I’m completely convinced that “I’ve been told” twice today to forgive myself and I’m weeping, because I know it’s true. The sermon today said if we are so busy pointing and blaming (at ourselves as well as at others), we are not receiving and healing. Perhaps if we all try to stop blaming ourselves and take the focus off who-did-what to us, and instead look at the lessons of how to better protect our souls, and embrace ourselves for doing the best we could before we knew better, we can heal. Peace to anyone who reads this and to Dr Ramani, thank you for helping me to save myself.
Amen
Thank you. Amen. 🙏
Thank you
Thank you, this video really helps me. I’ve just come out of a relationship with a next-level narcissist, and I do beat myself up over why I fell for all the bullshit, lies and gaslighting for three years. I think I saw the warning signs all along, but my unconditional love for this person drove me to believe they were better than that, that all the drama was my fault, that I was imagining things, and because of that I forgave them, time and time again. I’m still reeling from the fact that someone who I thought was my soulmate can turn out to be so toxic and reckless. Our whole relationship now seems a lie, which I fell for.. being too naïve and essentially too loving. I don’t trust people easily, and I’ve learnt my lesson to trust people even less!
I cannot speak for others, but my faith revealed to me that, "it was a painful lesson that had to be learned." And I assure you that I have learned it.
My mother’s main thing she holds over my head is that apparently in the middle of my abuse when I was 13 I typed to my friend “I hate my mom I wish she would d** no one would care” (she snooped and read all my messages to my friends). Now as a 28 year old woman, who has been no contact with her mother for a year, I often feel so much guilt about what I said. Dr Ramani thank you so much for this video. I can’t explain how much I needed to hear that that was normal for someone in a scary abusive situation. She had me thinking I was terrible and I really believed her. Thank you so much again. I’m going to watch your replay of your last Zoom presentation today and really think on stuff purposely, not ruminate uncontrollably like I used to.
That's what she gets for snooping! I wrote "DIE MOM" above my bed when I was in my early teens. When my narc parents finally died I was so relieved. They put me through hell but now I am in a much better place in life. No contact is the way to go.
Gosh yeah.. but I didn't have to reach such transgressions to get all the negativity. Just being me apparently was enough to unload a boatload of passive aggressive blarney on my head... How as children we are supposed to navigate all this stuff and how anyone could expect us to is crazymaking. The guilt I carry is absurd and I need to work on this 🤗🤗✌️🙏
I hope you accept and do now the changes needed: was ,is , will be abuse from the mothers it is the technique they have ! Learning Truth will set as free , as I do now in my early sixties she is 83 years old doing the same gaslight to me . Slowly I am detaching emotionally and physically from her spell. Thanks to videos and canceling for years now I protect myself!
At the highest of my conflict with my narc mother, I had these sudden mental images of me smashing her head open to see what was in there. I screamed in my mind: what's in there???
I left for college to save me
When I was 12, my stepfather put petrol on barbeque wood which wasn't lighting and set himself on fire. He ran across the garden and dived into the pool. His whole head was bandaged for a while and he recovered without scarring. Seeing him aflame gave me a thrill of "serves him right". I've felt guilty for a long time, but I know it was really a helpless child's desire for justice. My covert narc mother used to pit us against each other by saying awful things behind our backs while pretending to be on each of our sides when alone. He was pretty nasty too, probably largely in response to being married go her, and I was cheeky back. We suspected, accused and blamed each other.
I'm getting better at self forgiveness. What I struggle with is the freedom. Now I can make my own choices, I have no idea what to do some days. I work a lot and that makes me feel good about myself, and more stable in my own life but my free time, I'm pretty lost these days.
There’s a reason I was able to view this immediately. Great way to start my Sunday!
💗
Exactly! I don't know how many times I've called myself "stupid"! No more! I will never justify, rationalize anyone else's behavior! Thank you.
Forgiveness and letting go, is the best healing we can do.
Melody,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Hi Dr Ramani, I'm basically new here. I'm 10.6 years out of a narc relationship. I was FUTURE FAKED for 5 years, and I ended it. My gut feeling kept telling me something was wrong, but I ignored it. I should have ran back then. I'm doing fine now, and I did blame myself for staying with him so long, but I did manage to forgive myself. It took a while, but I learned a valuable lesson.ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT FEELING...
You can't blame yourself for what you didn't know. You don't know what you don't know until you know. I had a string of abusive, very narcissistic people--I thought it was "normal". This, in spite of the fact that the more grounded folks around me weren't experiencing the same. It was doing the heavy lifting of examining what was wounded in me that opened the path to attracting toxic, abusive, narcissistic types that set me free. A much younger sister of a friend said to me, "You predicate your relations on the actions of others" In other words, it wasn't if I liked a person but if they liked me." Trust me, that kind of thinking can dictate how you negotiate throughout your life. Today, I notice how guys with obvious insecurities gravitate and admire rude, abusive narcissists--and I see how the narcissist play them. That used to be me. Disgusting.
Exactly! Can very much relate. Embarrassed to admit, but never thought I HAD the option or the right even, to PICK friends...like it was something others got to do, not me. So I just waited for people to gravitate toward me. Unfortunately most of them were not healthy, and were incredibly narcissistic. Like you, it seemed normal to me too. This realization you shared is HUGE and our first giant step toward freedom!!
That just gave me a whole lot to think about. I think I’ve also felt like I had to wait for them to come to me. Like I wasn’t worth enough to chose whose in my life. Almost like a scarcity feeling, if this person likes me then I better keep ‘em around cause who knows if I’ll ever get someone to like me again!” And it’s almost worse as you age cause it gets harder and harder to make friends as an adult.
Thank you for your comment… I gotta go journal 🤔
After I left my narcissist ex, ‘friends’ would tell me they were sorry. That felt strange to hear because I was so relieved to have finally escaped that dungeon for good! Nothing to be sorry about at all!
Wow Dr. Ramani!!!! No therapist I’ve ever consulted with has ever put it this way!!!! You really took me to the core of this issue! You’re also the SECOND person who has ever said [in my life] that not forgiving is PERFECTLY OK!!!! I think forgiveness is such a misunderstood element, but only my one friend and you have ever given me a NEW PROSPECTIVE in it!!!!
My grandparents and great grandparents were narcistic. These traits also showed up in my uncles where my mother was the perpetual scapegoat. I have been angry at my mom for a long time for not showing my uncles the door, for allowing them to influence us the way they did. I had a talk with her this morning and she told me that 'she needed so much more as a child'. Thanks to this video, I can start to grasp what exactly she lacked. Her parents sucked. Her brothers sucked. Her grandparents sucked.
I need to forgive her for lacking the tools to actually fix the situation. And she needs to forgive herself that she fell victim to narcists and that there wasnt a damn she could do about it.
And I need to forgive myself for not understanding the role of the scapegoat of the family and being unable to set effective boundaries to keep narcists out.
It wasnt our fault.
"Confusing enabling with empathy..." - Dr. R! I absolutely needed to hear that. What a revelation! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani 💞
I would still be deaf, dumb and blind if not for you. You taking the time to dissect these situations, explain and label them has been a God send. I would still be wandering around in the dark and fog of confusion had I not found this channel. My daughter was right when she said, " At least you lived long enough to find out the truth, maybe now you can find closure."❤
Did not realize how much I needed to hear this until I broke down in tears. That negative self talk and self blame after these kinds of relationships does a number on a person. Thanks for sharing this! ❤
My god this is so validating and healing thank you
"Self blame becomes your first language..." Ouch. I needed to hear this one. I spent my entire childhood believing that I was fundamentally flawed because there was nothing I could do to make my mother happy. It has taken me half a lifetime (and that's if I live a long life) to understand that her responses to me were not about me. Thanks for helping me see the things and let go of the false beliefs and the guilt that were, unfortunately, my birthright.
I’m learning that just because my family or that romantic partner didn’t love me, it doesn’t mean I’m worthless. I’m the most important person for myself to forgive.
"Self forgiveness is releasing ourselves" 6:48.... Absolutely, on point!!
We have The Power to forgive Ourselves , work on Ourselves and shine more.
Thank you 🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕
I told my mother I forgave her for myself, not for her, and that I would be honest with myself and others about my childhood experience. She never talked to me again. I felt hurt but my childhood experience was validated (if she acted like this now, she did in the past), and felt released.
Thank you. Self-forgiveness is so hard right now and self-torture with those invisible ropes and am trying to let go of the past relationship. I saw signs but didn't want to believe that he was like that. 3.5 years and he was already in another relationship and the entire situation was horrible and found out that he was with someone else by the new person while living with me. It's a long grocery list of issues on his end and it has only been 2-3 months since I found out and have been in therapy for a long time.
I just learner I am a Advocate INFJ. I struggle with how to separate my feelings from others especially the covert narcissists. I fear I will never find a therapist that would understand me as I battle my way out of the 28 year relationship. Maybe once I get my self trust completely back, where I should always follow my gut instincts, I will find a way to forgive myself. Thanks Dr. Ramani for opening that door for me to walk through!!!
Those gut feelings or your self trust is you recognising red flags but you've been gaslit into believing that you seeing red flags is a sign you're mad or nuts or insane etc. IT'S NOT! you seeing red flags or having a gut feeling is your way to healing. Trust your self and don't gaslight yourself! You deserve to be safe and happy and to have a good life and that means kicking the rubbish-people in your life to the curb
@@playalot8513 Thanks Playalot for the encouragement! I do believe everything you said to be so accurate. I was being gaslighted I just did know it because it was so against my nature!! I will now trust those feelings first so I don't make that mistake again! You must be further along than I. I appreciate you saying I deserve better! I'm working on kicking the rubbish-people out! Only going to let people who in who earn the right to be in my inner circle. Peace and Love to you for you kindness!
I started crying the moment you began comforting the child who didn't have any other choice but to self blame. Thank you.
I got the rundown on self forgiveness from therapy and it made complete sense. Forgiving the child I was for the self blame is powerful advice. This is why I stay subbed ... never stop, this advice is gold
“Blaming the parent destabilizes the child, and blaming yourself is the only option” 😭 you articulate all of this so eloquently and I so appreciate it
Thank you Dr. R, you are spot on. Once I forgave myself for such a horrendous mistake, it opened the door for me. Eyes wide open forever now!
Forgiving myself for being stupid, naive, and overly forgiving is actually easier than forgiving myself for the pain I caused the people that love me. Every time my family warned me, every time they listened to me crying on the phone, the sleepless nights and pain I caused my mother, and the worry I caused my family....that's what I struggle with. It's hard for me to say that I deserve better than a narcissistic abuser because I willingly caused my family this pain.
we need a word other than"relationship" when it comes to the push/pull or pull/pull between a narcissist and their target/prey. To say there is a relationship implies a shared emotional space where awareness and caring exist. I now realize both my narcissistic parent and narcissistic ex-spouse could not be present emotionally in the same reality as I was experiencing. To them, I was no more human than a dog. To me, I now have a better relationship with my dog than I ever had with them!
Relationshit
DEFINITELY, dogs are angel, they are pure evils
Manipulationship
'as long as you keep playing that narcissistic relationship over in your head, you're still in it'. Wow, that really spoke to me, it's been over a decade since, but wow, thank you.
Only 6 months in a relationship with a narcissist, 3 months after no contact I am still strugling so much. I can't imagine the pain of being raised with narcissistic parents.
I hear that M. 2 and a half years for me and at least a year of that was spent trying to get him out of my house. I ruminate daily, yes a struggle still. Thank goodness my parents were awesome.
Mine was about six months too. It took me one year and a months to finally to thinking about it h24 anymore and put it in the past.
You won't be the same as before but you will be wiser and stronger.
i had to deal with 2 narcissistic parents. it still astonishes me how much chaos they caused
“Forgive yourself for confusing empathy with enabling”-oh that’s a good one!
Athenia,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Well, I learned to self-forgive in the following way: If I did something wrong, I try to identify the cause and to never make the same error again. Further, everyone makes severe errors now and then. Its human nature and stems from our inability to have full information - in addition to potentially giving in into irrational feelings. In the end, the only thing you can do is to try to not make the same errors twice and with it forgive your self that you make them. If you where not making any errors ever, you would be a god and not a human. It is thus a sign of humility to accept ones errors and forgive oneself.
I love that: "our inability to have full information". I was always trying to get information from my narc: to try to make things make sense! But they never did.
I wasted time appealing to my narc mother that we all make mistakes and can forgive each other. I find that truth so healing, but to the narc it's anathema
Thankyou. I have this saved and I listen to it every morning as part of my meditation routine.
It is because they are everywhere. They do not give up easily. And also, others blame us "well you did it!" the self doubt builds up in layers over our lifetime.
This was me. I know now that it wasn't my fault. I've forgiven my inner child and found peace. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Sandra Batchelor,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I have no problem for giving myself for the narcissistic con artist's abuse of 22 years.
But I have a real problem trusting my own gut instinct for a future relationship.💔
Perfect advice, perfect timing. Just stepping out of my third narcissistic relationship at the age of 56 and thinking how have I made such a mess of my choices. This last one was so traumatic that the universe steered me into the direction of understanding narcissism and BAM! I mistook enabling for empathy. Time to forgive myself and not think of it as years wasted but years wiser.
was sitting here crying over it all. regretting so many choices, and feeling lost. this video is so helpful.
Forgiving myself is my goal. I’m working on it, but MAN, I’m finding it hard. So many old ideas to let go of. I will do this. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your help.
My problem was I knew it I saw it and still went ahead into it. The hardest thing I have is in forgiveness is forgiving myself for the way I acted as a result of the way I was being treated
Same happened to me. Not only did I know, it was him who told me about it, he warned me AND lovebombed at the same time. He himself explained it all to me and I fell for that anyway. Difficult not to blame my stupidity for doing that… on and on… for months now. Trying to break this trauma bond for the fifth time now 😢
I did nothing wrong... so sets me free. I am not to blame or shame anymore! Thank you 🙏
Michelle Mitchell,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌹,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
💕 self forgiveness for not knowing now we know and know when to walk away
Now we know better
This is really about the knowledge
Not about the lack of knowledge of how broken they are
Thank you 😁
Dr. Ramani top notch 👌 every time
I still struggle to forgive myself for allowing myself to be duped. I can’t get over it.
What helps me is the saying, what is man rejection is god protection. I know it’s tough to feel like you are dumped but just know, once time passes and you keep listening to healthy information about how that person is just toxic, it will help you to understand and get over it, blessing to you on your journey and to us all ♥️
It happens to very smart people. Anyone can get duped! Let it go and tell yourself you will NEVER fall for it again. ❤
even after 37 years I am shocked at the abuser acting like all is forgiven immediately after lies, abuse and rage and unforgivable bs. it is not my place to forgive, ever. that is for God. my job now is to protect me.
Forgive YOURSELF and move on . Its hard but it needs to be done.
Wow I feel like she’s the only genuine person on RUclips sometimes!!
😂😂😂😂Maybe
Try Be Good 4000. He's straight up with you.
How I landed here, I'm not sure but I thank you Dr. Ramani
I was raised by narcissistic parents, it's confusing even in my adult life. Didn't know growing up that it was wrong what was happening. Your channel is so informative and just watching you I'm healing already 💐
I did nothing wrong! That made something inside me completely release into tears. That will be my mantra for now.
I hated my father at age 13 already and ran away at age 14. I made so many mistakes in life.
Self blame is my first language. That's absolutely true. In everything.
So true. I'm with You:)
💕
@@lidia8481 ❤
My take? Absolutely - YOU did nothing wrong. And it's very important you care for & forgive innocent you.
Flip side? You can't "forgive" someone who...
- Is not sorry - They don't believe they did anything wrong. In reality, they enjoy hurting you.
- Ridiculously expects you to develop "abuse amnesia" that enables continued abuse.
- Has no capacity or desire to change their behavior.
- You are not required to associate with anyone. That is YOUR choice.
- You have the RIGHT to protect yourself.
Hopefully you are able to set up effective boundaries and/or leave the relationship. Forgive yourself. Put that toxic person in the rear view, move on to hopefully a happy life.
Bright blessings to all & wishes for a happy life.
Thank you for lifting the veil of my constant rumination over my past narcissistic relationships . 🙏
Lynda Moore,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌹,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I’m watching this video and just can’t stop crying…Thank you dr. Ramani for all the great job you’ve done!
P.S. Greetings from Russia 💕
Forgiving ourselves is such a difficult thing to do, it's not always linear either, sometimes you forgive yourself only to be sucked back into a blame cycle again in future. Yet forgiving ourselves time and again can and should be done. Sometimes are easier than others and it's all valid. Not being able to yet is also ok, there is no timeline.
Great comment. Learning to recognize and work with our own mental and emotional cycles in a gentle way is huge.
Remember, "Be kind to yourself" we didn't get to an emotionally vulnerable place in a day or week. It took months and\or year(s) of systematic conditioning to be broken down and entangled into the Narc's web of dissociation. It's going to take time to rebuild ourselves and purge the false narrative.
I agree...we are shamed and blamed...that's what an abusive relationship does.
Going through this right now. I apologise to myself a hundred times a day at least.
I am working on forgiving myself. Forgiving him will never happen. He gets nothing from me ever!
When I realised what I had had to endure during my childhood, my marriage and also as a mother and as a mother in law I sometimes visualise:
I am flying a small plane
There is a lot turbulence
I have to crash land on a small meadow
I feel dizzy and shook up
BUT
After checking that my body is intact
I manage to open the plane door and walk away
I have some bruises here and there
But I am alive and still kicking
Thank you Dr Ramani for helping me survive years of abuse by sharing your empathy and knowledge so generously.
🤶
Stockholm Sweden
I will forgive myself for not mentally "waking up" sooner. I will forgive myself for the mistakes I made that lead me into getting narcissisticly abused. And most importantly, I will forgive myself for all the justifications I made rationalized why the narcissists in my life do the questionable things they do while I was mentally asleep.
This one is so timely and a much needed listen for me, one year later from recording. Parenting myself in the last month from healing from dysfunctional family system and intimate relationship narcissistic abuse since 2015. I welcome this pivoting healing point. Forgiving myself and healing and loving my little kiddo and teen and most adult versions of me and parenting all through denial of my entire life. My adult kiddos are now discussing our truth story. I feel free for the first time in my life at 53. Even while living in a home I purchased with my mom during shelter in place. Took me almost two years to fully accept my childhood pain source, or the other 50% of my other childhood pain source. This is a wild journey. Thanks for helping me walk my way through it. 🎉
It’s just been a few days since it all came crashing down with the narcissist that was in my life. I had already watched your videos about BPD since one of my previous partner suffered from that and I believe this narcissist I was with does as well but she was never diagnosed. She refused to do so.
Thanks for your perspective on forgiveness towards the narcissist is a very personal decision.
With that said I have tried to find a reason or times when I’ve failed or made mistakes to justify the narcissist’s actions.
I’m finding it hard to take away some blame. I do find myself thinking whether I didn’t do enough, when I got cold in the relationship, what could’ve I done better or different.
Right now this all feels so raw and painful to really feel like I’m making any progress but at least I’m trying to watch as many of your videos as possible.
I commend all of the people out there who’ve gone through what I have gone through and not just survive but come out stronger. I hope I can do the same one day. Right now I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet
I needed to hear this. Forgive myself and me as a child.
Jennifer Bruns,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌷,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I was in a 34 year marriage and I didn't know why her was treating me so badly. Over those years I tried to please him. Yes, I feel stupid for taking that behavior for so long. Everyone tells me to forgive him for what he did. I can't do it. Thank you for this video to forgive myself. That is exactly what I am going to do.
Totally get and agree with what you're saying here. I'm at the point now where I'm realizing that narcissism was a big part of my life since childhood. I'm now learning that I was being setup to fail in life because some of my family members just didn't like me, and others only enjoyed the novelty of me being a cute child to play with, once that phase was over they didn't care about me any more. I was being setup to grow up as "the good for nothing" I was rejected by the males in my family, father, uncle, cousins, no one was interesting in teaching me anything and I had to learn about the world, the hard way. I'm realizing that I never actually had any support. Learning all this came by having to move back home at 31 after spending from age 21 mostly on my own and not fully understanding what to do, but still pushing with what knowledge I had. I'm not a total failure though, I still did accomplish some things and was nearing success, if I can just get a fresh start with what I know now I think I can make it this time... But I sense there is still some piece of knowledge that I'm missing, something to do with finances, some piece of financial knowledge that will connect me with better self sufficiency, but even so, with all I know now, I have to forgive myself for dealing with the wrong people, let some slide because I thought they cared about me, for not putting my needs first and for continuing to waste time in situations that I should have gotten out of. "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." -Maya Angelou
You've just explained my whole entire life.
Described my entire life as well. 31 is still young, it’s never too late to start. I wish you luck 🍀
I'm now 58. I didn't escape until I was 55, and you wrote my story.
I am so glad to have found her and her videos. Yesterday was probably the 14th time I have tried leaving my boyfriend. I don't really have friends anymore (no one to talk to about my relationship) which makes it lonely and much harder to stay away, and why I end up going back. I remember the first time I tried leaving him, we were only 2 months in and I was still "me". One tough cookie, not about to take anyone's crap. I wanted to get away from him so bad, that I walked for 8 hours to get to my car (it was mid summer too and boy was that sun shining). Whenever I think back to that day, I get upset with myself. I should have stayed away. Now, it is 7 years later and I happen to watch these videos. They are dead on, exactly what my relationship is. This has been extremely helpful. I am going to really try and get out of this. Thank you for all the information.
The biggest fear I have in forgiving myself, is opening myself up to being vulnerable only to be abused by narcissists again.
Sigh.
I need to learn this sooo badly. I eat myself up for allowing things for letting it go for giving in for trying to be good..... i have to move forward now.