I don’t think I’ve ever come across a mental health professional who was as concise and straightforward as you. You’re the kind of person who could wipe away any doubt a person would have about going to therapy. At least, that’s what I feel.
So very spot on. After 2 abusive relationships im on a journey of healing & awakening. This has defintely helped me understand even further once im ready to move forward with dating. Thank you.
this works with friendships also. Coming from neglect I didnt know I could have needs. It is wonderful knowing someone can meet those needs and you dont have to force it, dont have to make someone care about you.
Another great video Carl, thank you! I found that your advice could also translate across to ALL relationships; family, friends and work colleagues alike.
I did all that, and still found myself a Narcissist, I asked him lots of questions, and listened and observed. He answered the questions; to my liking and showed me a promising future. But he also (unintentionally) showed me all my weak spots (weakness, where I had to strengthen myself) I knew intellectually what I had to do prior the relationship and during the relationship ( be a shopper, not a seller) but in the long run, emotionally, I wasn’t as strong of a person to keep him his Narc ways at bay…but through time I am getting wiser and stronger emotionally… I’ve learned (in life) you can be prepared so much beforehand, and you actually learn more about yourself and your partner DURING; while living your life with them…. Just like raising kids, or seeing your parents get old, or seeing family members die. You can only be prepared so much, the rest you learn along the way.
Counselor Carl, I've read a lot of books on codependency, relationships etc. but I've never understood the problem as well as after listening to you. Thanks so much for putting these videos and your wisdom out there!
This is a great video, thank you. As I'm learning more about shame/inner child healing, I'm starting to finally comprehend why I have such a crippling reaction when a relationship ends no matter the length. This is why I rarely take romantic risks, but I want to change that. In one of your future videos, could you talk a little about the dynamics of shame and romantic rejection? Thank you, Sevinc
Another great video. Thank you, it really puts things in perspective and I know I am slowly but surely realizing the differences in my relationships and where I have made mistakes. Again thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you so much sir for all of your videos. I've found them recently and it has greatly helped me 👍 I agree with being a shopper but what about if I feel the person is way too good/perfect for me ? That I don't deserve such a thing ?
Then you need to get therapy to uncover why you believe you are not worthy of love. The root cause is most likely shame and fear, which are usually caused by childhood dysfunction and/or trauma. Shame can cause us to avoid relationships with healthy persons and instead seek out relationships with unhealthy persons because shame tends to attract and seek out shame. So, if you are a person who experiences shame that causes you to avoid healthy relationships, then get help. See a therapist and/or attend Codependents Anonymous. Best wishes on your journey to healing and growth!
What if I was with someone who's wonderful and willing but eventually retracted (fear of intimacy) when at the height of bonding? Is it a red flag if she is communicating well and is trying but is struggling?
He or she has to be willing to own his or her issues, just as you have to own any of your issues. If you both want the relationship and are able to own your issues and work to overcome them, then progress can be made. However, if the person can't or won't own a significant issue, such as a significant fear of intimacy, that creating a healthy relationship would most likely not be possible.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you for your response. They're willing and admitting but retracting also as a way to feel safe. I'm allowing them that space. It's clear they're hiding for enough time until they feel secure. I'm just left a little unsure if it's a sign to move on or give them the room.
@@neonpop80 Yes, that can be a difficult decision. If you are seeing progress (not perfection), then it might be worth allowing a few months to see how it goes.
I don’t find a shopper and can’t be a shopper. No one wants to buy a broken and ugly new thing . So I can’t even put myself out there to be shopped. And I can’t shop because it’ll be an offense to the person I want to shop. No one wants to be shopped by a broken ugly person. That’s the sad and ugly truth. If you don’t look a certain way you won’t get shopped. If I were to go to a store and had to pick between a brandnew fantastic functioning smartphone with no cracks, shiny and an equally identically functioning smartphone with aslo the same price but full of cracks and scratches I would never pick the latter. Same goes with people. Nowadays the outter shell counts more than the inside especially when a beautiful person has also a beautiful inside. Nobody wants an ugly person with a beautiful inside. I will hate myself for the rest of my life. Ugly people remain alone or come together with “ugly people” and then they contemplate about their frustration of being ugly together. But at least they are together.
You invite your unhealthy partner to join you in making the marriage healthy by getting couples counseling or some other form of help. If the person refuses, then you have a difficult decision to make.
I don’t find a shopper and can’t be a shopper. No one wants to buy a broken and ugly new thing . So I can’t even put myself out there to be shopped. And I can’t shop because it’ll be an offense to the person I want to shop. No one wants to be shopped by a broken ugly person. That’s the sad and ugly truth. If you don’t look a certain way you won’t get shopped. If I were to go to a store and had to pick between a brandnew fantastic functioning smartphone with no cracks, shiny and an equally identically functioning smartphone with aslo the same price but full of cracks and scratches I would never pick the latter. Same goes with people. Nowadays the outter shell counts more than the inside especially when a beautiful person has also a beautiful inside. Nobody wants an ugly person with a beautiful inside. I will hate myself for the rest of my life. Ugly leiple remain alone or get to cone together with “ugly people” and ghan they contemplate about their frustration of bei g ugly together. But at least they are together.
![Digital Circus Episode 4 [TRAILER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/abZtsmMUbJo/mqdefault.jpg)
I don’t think I’ve ever come across a mental health professional who was as concise and straightforward as you. You’re the kind of person who could wipe away any doubt a person would have about going to therapy. At least, that’s what I feel.
Hi, Anthony. Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad you found my video helpful, and I wish you the best!
So very spot on. After 2 abusive relationships im on a journey of healing & awakening. This has defintely helped me understand even further once im ready to move forward with dating. Thank you.
Nile and Moon. You're welcome!
this works with friendships also. Coming from neglect I didnt know I could have needs. It is wonderful knowing someone can meet those needs and you dont have to force it, dont have to make someone care about you.
I'm 63. And now I'm learning what to look for in a healthy partner. I've always found myself with the first one who came into my life.
Another great video Carl, thank you!
I found that your advice could also translate across to ALL relationships; family, friends and work colleagues alike.
Thank you! And thank you for the insightful comment, too.
I did all that, and still found myself a Narcissist, I asked him lots of questions, and listened and observed. He answered the questions; to my liking and showed me a promising future.
But he also (unintentionally) showed me all my weak spots (weakness, where I had to strengthen myself)
I knew intellectually what I had to do prior the relationship and during the relationship ( be a shopper, not a seller) but in the long run, emotionally, I wasn’t as strong of a person to keep him his Narc ways at bay…but through time I am getting wiser and stronger emotionally…
I’ve learned (in life) you can be prepared so much beforehand, and you actually learn more about yourself and your partner DURING; while living your life with them…. Just like raising kids, or seeing your parents get old, or seeing family members die. You can only be prepared so much, the rest you learn along the way.
Thank you, Sunflower, for sharing your wisdom. I wish you the best!
Thank you so much, this is golden advice and I will use these words of wisdom, especially be a shopper, not a seller 🍀🌟
I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!
This is the wisest advice I have ever heard about relationships.
Thank you! I wish you the best!
Counselor Carl, I've read a lot of books on codependency, relationships etc. but I've never understood the problem as well as after listening to you. Thanks so much for putting these videos and your wisdom out there!
Annie Steuart You're very welcome! Glad I can help!
Excellent presentation.
Thanks Counselor Carl.💙💫✨
This is good stuff.. I think it is more about picking me then picking the other person..
I love your videos: short, straight to be point with excellent tips!
Thank you, Olga! Best wishes!
awesome tips,thanks dude 😊
Wow.. this is healing
i love your channel so so much !
Excellent information! Thank you! I saved it for future reference!
You're welcome, Terry!
this video advice is my fav...thank you CC!
This is a great video, thank you. As I'm learning more about shame/inner child healing, I'm starting to finally comprehend why I have such a crippling reaction when a relationship ends no matter the length. This is why I rarely take romantic risks, but I want to change that. In one of your future videos, could you talk a little about the dynamics of shame and romantic rejection? Thank you, Sevinc
Thank you for your kind words, and thanks for the suggestion for a video. I wish you the best on your journey to healing and growth!
Beautiful presentations Carl. Conceptually perceptive and wise, well organized and concisely communicated. You're a teacher's teacher.
Thank you, Jim! Best wishes!
I am a shoper, I have seen so many channels on youtube about codependency and I found that one :)
Just what I needed to hear
HI, Johann. I'm glad you found my video helpful. Best wishes!
Great video. Thank you
You're welcome, Eve! Best wishes!
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Another great video. Thank you, it really puts things in perspective and I know I am slowly but surely realizing the differences in my relationships and where I have made mistakes. Again thank you 🙏🏼
Hi, Sofia. You're very welcome! Best wishes in your recovery.
I wish i saw this earlier, it would've saved me so much trouble
Wonderful video Carl!
Thank you!
Such great advice. Am trying to implement it when I can :)
Thank you! Best wishes!
Great tips!
Thank you!
Thank you so much once again!
You're very welcome!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Great tips!!!
Thank you!
loved this! I am married but found this video helpful in other areas of life as well ^_^
Thank you so much sir for all of your videos. I've found them recently and it has greatly helped me 👍 I agree with being a shopper but what about if I feel the person is way too good/perfect for me ? That I don't deserve such a thing ?
Then you need to get therapy to uncover why you believe you are not worthy of love. The root cause is most likely shame and fear, which are usually caused by childhood dysfunction and/or trauma. Shame can cause us to avoid relationships with healthy persons and instead seek out relationships with unhealthy persons because shame tends to attract and seek out shame. So, if you are a person who experiences shame that causes you to avoid healthy relationships, then get help. See a therapist and/or attend Codependents Anonymous. Best wishes on your journey to healing and growth!
really appreciate you !
Thank you!
thank u counselor! :-)
Debbie Downer You're welcome!
Thank you!
What if I was with someone who's wonderful and willing but eventually retracted (fear of intimacy) when at the height of bonding? Is it a red flag if she is communicating well and is trying but is struggling?
He or she has to be willing to own his or her issues, just as you have to own any of your issues. If you both want the relationship and are able to own your issues and work to overcome them, then progress can be made. However, if the person can't or won't own a significant issue, such as a significant fear of intimacy, that creating a healthy relationship would most likely not be possible.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you for your response. They're willing and admitting but retracting also as a way to feel safe. I'm allowing them that space. It's clear they're hiding for enough time until they feel secure. I'm just left a little unsure if it's a sign to move on or give them the room.
@@neonpop80 Yes, that can be a difficult decision. If you are seeing progress (not perfection), then it might be worth allowing a few months to see how it goes.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you
@@neonpop80 You're welcome!
I don’t find a shopper and can’t be a shopper. No one wants to buy a broken and ugly new thing . So I can’t even put myself out there to be shopped. And I can’t shop because it’ll be an offense to the person I want to shop. No one wants to be shopped by a broken ugly person. That’s the sad and ugly truth. If you don’t look a certain way you won’t get shopped. If I were to go to a store and had to pick between a brandnew fantastic functioning smartphone with no cracks, shiny and an equally identically functioning smartphone with aslo the same price but full of cracks and scratches I would never pick the latter. Same goes with people. Nowadays the outter shell counts more than the inside especially when a beautiful person has also a beautiful inside. Nobody wants an ugly person with a beautiful inside. I will hate myself for the rest of my life. Ugly people remain alone or come together with “ugly people” and then they contemplate about their frustration of being ugly together. But at least they are together.
What do you do when someone is married to an unhealthy partner?
You invite your unhealthy partner to join you in making the marriage healthy by getting couples counseling or some other form of help. If the person refuses, then you have a difficult decision to make.
Just Wow.
Thanks!
I don’t find a shopper and can’t be a shopper. No one wants to buy a broken and ugly new thing . So I can’t even put myself out there to be shopped. And I can’t shop because it’ll be an offense to the person I want to shop. No one wants to be shopped by a broken ugly person. That’s the sad and ugly truth. If you don’t look a certain way you won’t get shopped. If I were to go to a store and had to pick between a brandnew fantastic functioning smartphone with no cracks, shiny and an equally identically functioning smartphone with aslo the same price but full of cracks and scratches I would never pick the latter. Same goes with people. Nowadays the outter shell counts more than the inside especially when a beautiful person has also a beautiful inside. Nobody wants an ugly person with a beautiful inside. I will hate myself for the rest of my life. Ugly leiple remain alone or get to cone together with “ugly people” and ghan they contemplate about their frustration of bei g ugly together. But at least they are together.
I feel like I'm a shopper for toilet paper at the start of covid-19... Shelves are empty and there's a wait list! 😅😓
Things will get better.