What is Codependency, Really?
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- Опубликовано: 1 дек 2014
- Counselor Carl (serenityonlinetherapy.com) explains beliefs and behaviors that define codependency & leave codependents guilt-ridden, depressed, anxious, & stressed by their relationships. He offers suggestions for developing healthy beliefs and behaviors that lead to fulfilling relationships. His straight-forward teaching style makes complex concepts easy to understand. Counselor Carl is a licensed, professional counselor with 19 years of clinical experience both online and face-to-face, including 10 years as an online therapist.
So good, that someone at last help the codependent in stead of focusing on the narcisist
Karen Restad. Thank you for your comment.
The reason for that is that a lot of people who are in relation with narcissists are too much focused on the narcissists.
Alexis Grabinszky Because the narcissist is full of shit they're figuring them out that is what the focus is once that focus lines up in place they'll be gone especially if they're a Pisces like me all the effort to help out and understand will just get exhausting after time once all of the truth is exposed and the fact that they are a LIAR and everyone knows it the NARCISSIST will sneak away quietly like a thief in the night once fall of domino effect starts to line up one or the other is going to leave I used to have friend who still is a narcissist I wish her the very best but with her it all happened at once just so many years of it like myself people will not believe them because that type of friendship/relationship is very exhausting known her since I was 15 I'm in 40s now it's been over a year maybe since I've last seen and spoke to her her while family gave up that should tell people something if the own family can not trust them
@@alexisgrabinszky1099 the demand for videos on that. Is from codependents. Who falsely belive they can change the narcissist, or the " flying monkeys" who do they`re bidding. And in this world of narcissistic worship on social media the demand is just going to go up!
What a clear explanation. I was married to a narcissist for over 20 years...didn't know i was co-dependent until just before we split up. this was VERY practical and helpful. I wrote out the healthy beliefs and put them on my fridge to remind me daily!!!
Thank you for your kind words!
I need to just have a relationship with myself. Then I won’t have this problem anymore!😂
The Gentle Reader Good luck to you because you are so right once you've relieved that you be ready for that relationship
💖💖💖
thank you for the simple and most excellent explanation of codependency I have come across yet...
You're welcome!
Recovering codependent here, too.
Best wishes!
Me too
My therapy group shut down due to covid, I am so happy I found you! God only knows how you have helped me! 🙏
Hi, Azucar. I am glad you found my videos helpful. I wish you the best!
OMG, that explains my strange behavior & habit. I am an ideal prey to most narcissists.
It's so true! I rely on other people to be and act exactly how I want them to and suffer because of it.
Victoria Long I'm glad you found the video helpful. Best wishes!
Oh my goodness 🥺🥺🥺 I can relate to all three Coda beliefs.
Excellent video.
Thanks Counselor Carl.💙💫✨
Thanks Carl...I wrote down those healthy beliefs. I will read every day to program my mind.
You're welcome! I'm glad you found this video helpful.
Thank you- I am recovering- what I have now found is that I am losing others due to stating my needs when I recognise I am slipping back! So now i am having to deal with ‘abandonment’ despite knowing that the right people will respect your values and nos! It’s so hard but so worth it! Xx
Thank you for sharing, Lorna. Recovery is a wonderful, growing process that also involves grieving. I wish you the best.
Thank You for taking the time to help with this important topic!
Hi I was in a relationship. With a narcissist and was codependant my mom is codependant also and is still wounded at 66 I showed her this video and she was amazed
Thankyou you explain this amazingly and thanks
You're welcome!
I’m here after describing my relationship with my father somewhere on Reddit and someone using this word to describe our relationship. I basically saying how it feels like I need to be perfect in order to make him happy. “They feel as though they’re the only adult.” wow, in light of some things said by my friends, this makes a lot of sense. I appreciate this video, your demeanor, and will explore this topic further.
Hi, S.B. I'm glad you found my video helpful. I wish you the best on your path to healing and growth.
Truly thankful for the way you talk and clarify,elaborate, breaking down on codependency. Always speaking clearly
You're welcome, Michelle! Best wishes!
Finally someone that knows is topic! I like the peace he has! Looking forward to more of his videos
Hi, Smelgarm. I have nearly 90 videos posted, and they are organized by Playlists, such as codependency, mindfulness, grief, anger, addiction, emotional intelligence, etc. These days I put up a new video every 3-4 months. I wish you the best!
This therapist video down I listen every morning to start my day .
Hi, Teresa. I'm glad you find this video helpful. Best wishes!
Thanks Carl. Your advice is like message from heaven.
You're very welcome! Best wishes!
Thank you for the kind words and definition.. your videos have really helped bring clarity to what I feel
You're welcome, Priya! Best wishes!
What a Blessing!!!!!! Thank you! God Bless😊👍
You're welcome, Mike! Best wishes!
Thank you for this kind, honest, and insightful video on codependency it has really given me a healthy and helpful new perspectives.
You're welcome!
Healthy Belief
#1 All healthy relationships are negotiations. Thus, I must be able to identify what my needs are and then be willing to ask others to meet them, and I expect others to do the same. My feelings and needs do matter, and so do the needs and feelings of others, which is why we negotiate.
#2 I must be able to say 'no' to behaviors that are unacceptable to me, and I expect others to do the same.
#3 I can not make a relationship work all by myself because it takes two people to create a healthy relationship. I can not fix another; I can only fix myself. I can not make another happy; I can only make myself happy.
Of all the info out there on codependency I fi d this channel the most most helpful, practical and understandable hands down! I'm finally gaining hope of recovery Thank you, Counselor Carl!
Thank you! The concept of codependency is confusing. I try to simplify it. I wish you the best in your recovery.
Excellent!!! Thank you
GREAT EXPLANATION!! That's a load off my mind.
Rob Satanta I'm glad my video was helpful. Best wishes!
Thank you once again Counselor Carl I am very pleased with this
You're welcome, Michael!
Great video, great work, thank you for sharing Carl
Carolyn Tamm. You're welcome!
Thank you for clear, useful and understandable videos.
Great video! Thank you Carl!
Thank you, Stephany! Best wishes!
Thank you so much......i always feel so much better when I listen to your videos - recovery seems possible with your help - hope you are well🌿
Thank you very much! Best wishes!
Am I only one that thinks he looks like George Bush ??
The first thing I thought of :)
Strong resemblance. Why doesn't he blink?
I don’t think so at all. This man looks a lot friendlier!
Hopefully he won't set of a NU-CE-LAR bomb.
S. B. He is walking a Spiritual Pathway and which will bring out the better good that you have locked away Bush resemblance nah
Love your videos, thank you so much Carl!
You're welcome, Stefania! Best wishes!
I'm glad I watched this because I was confused, thinking I had issues with this. I think my relationship was codependent but not necessarily individualized.
Thank you for an excellent video!
You're very welcome!
I love your work and your compassion - you seem like the kindest person !
Thank you, Hannah! I wish you the best.
So helpful and clear. Thanks so much
You're welcome, Claire! I wish you the best!
Hey doc thank you for the insight.
You're welcome!
Thank you so much helping me heal my heart
You're welcome, Ryan!
Absolutely
Thankyou Sir. I was just journaling and deep down I knew all this (first half of the video) but woudn't be able to find the solution. This video means a lot to me.
Can you please talk on Nervous System Regulation as well and how to do it practically?
Hi, Amna. You're welcome, and I'm glad you found the video helpful. Best wishes!
Fantastic advice, one of the best channels for Codependency, very open and generous. Thank you : -p
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Explained very well.
Thank you!
Mind blowing...👍🏼
I'm glad you found my video helpful.
Thank you Carl. This really helped. I can see now why I am prone to codependency even if I'm not fully codependent. Nonetheless it helps me see how my behaviour could be interpreted to those on the receiving end.
You're welcome, VB!
Fantastic information!
*recovering codependent*
Thank you! Best wishes!
5/5/22 love your content
Thank you!
#3 is important. It's important that we become aware of the "Guilt" we feel. Otherwise we will be manipulated into relationships with manipulative morons. Only to later find out that we gain nothing by playing somebody else's puppet.
Thanks for sharing! Best wishes!
your guidance has Foundationally Changed my Life. Got Me To New Beginning. ThankYou
1 more Request, could You Please Upload Long Version of the intro Music. Its just Awesome. :)
Thank you very much for this video and I’m looking forward to watching more and it help me understand the subject so much more thank you
You're welcome, William!
Thats why Narcissists and Psychopaths love Codependents .
We hang in there till the bitter end..Put them and their needs before our own...Easy to manipulate...You cant fix what cant be fixed.. Relationships are two way .. Dont hang in there and wait for something that is not there.. Stand up for yourself and move on to something better..
Thanks for sharing, Shayne!
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Please would you make some videos on this topic? Narcissists and codependents, Upbringing in narcissistic families.I am a daughter of narcissistic, dominant mother.It is very hard to get to know my own wants and preferences
Thank you for the video!
I didn't understand what codependency meant & you cleared it up for me=)
You're very welcome. I'm glad you found the video helpful.
You just described me, thru the hit me like a freight train.
Now the journey begins. Best wishes!
thanks mr counselor..now i know i am codependent person..
cik karmila You're welcome! Best wishes on your road to recovery.
This is great information. I am a codependent who is working in recovery.
Thank you, Shakira. Best wishes in your recovery!
I came to this video to garner more information about my good friend who is a self-admitted codependent who recently went into a relationship with an addict. And after listening, this gave me incredible insight and knowledge into my own issues I need to manage. Thank you
You're welcome, John! I wish you the best.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy Thank you Carl. May I ask what your credentials and schooling is? I am currently pursuing a path for my masters in LMHC
@@johnc1280 Hi John. Here's a link that explains that: m.serenityonlinetherapy.com/site/carls/my-credentials?url=http%3A%2F%2Fserenityonlinetherapy.com%2Fcredentials.htm#3081
Thank you ❤️❤️
You're welcome! Best wishes!
thank you 💗
You're welcome!
Thank you, I am all 3 of these but need to change!
That's a start. Now watch my Codependency Playlist to learn more: ruclips.net/p/PL_wjG-62KkutLvCRd4QMZI7J2o9YcbHyf
@@Serenityonlinetherapy ok thank you, this was a real eye opener for me. many people have told me I'm codependent over the years and I took it has such a negative not knowing what it meant, so I looked it up on here and found this. I now don't feel so bad and have hope that I can change
@@healingfromwithin101 By educating yourself about codependency and how to be healthy in relationships, you can mindfully begin taking steps to improve all of your relationships, including sorting out the healthy from the unhealthy. It's a journey toward growing into your True Self. I wish you the best!
Thank you for reminding me that I matter and have my own needs
You're welcome, Suzanne! Best wishes in your recovery!
Thanks :)
You're welcome!
Hi, I have some of the codependency traits but feel that most of them were made much more prominent because of my marriage. He has been diagnosed as bipolar but i believe he has been misdiagnosed and is something else like borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits. I have been told for so long when i tell him how i feel about something that i'm wrong, i have come to believe that or second guess myself constantly. He has such extreme reactions to things and i don't like confrontation, that i minimize how i feel or almost apologize as i'm telling him because i don't want to be yelled at or told my feelings do not matter. He is very immature most the time and self absorbed. I know that i have problems focusing to much on his needs and feelings that i disregard my own. At times i'm very aware of it and do not give into it but other times i feel like he jedi mind tricks me into showering him with attention and affection til i'm ignoring myself again even though he has just been telling me i need to focus on myself. He is a very hot and cold person, manipulative and his actions are opposite to his words. I've had some close friends tell me they think he is a complete narcissist but again he hasn't been diagnosed as that. We are waiting to get insurance so we can go back to marriage counseling.
I wish you the best on your journey to healing and growth! Each of you must work to find your happiness within even as you work together to create a healthy marriage. No one can fix another. We can only fix ourselves.
Thank you.
You're welcome!
+Counselor Carl Thank you! Your explanation is very, very helpful, as I sadly had to end a relationship with a co-dependent 7 months ago. I still love him very much, but I had to let go of my own behavioural addiction, that I can fix another and make them happy, which stems from my childhood having grown up with an alcoholic. Love Daniela (United Kingdom)
+Daniela Hewitt You're welcome!
This guy is good
Unbelievable. Wish I saw this a decade ago before the toxic relationships I’ve gotten myself into. 😞
I am a co-dependant in recovery. However, I'm not sure I was with a narcissistic, but rather with a manipulator, taking advantage of my weakness and love addiction.
That's very possible. Those who need rescuing from their own bad choices look for codependents, because they are easy to manipulate.
Thank you so much for clarifying this for me.
+phoenix rising You're welcome!
phoenix rising
Phoenix Rising Thwy are the worst I do wish the very best on your journey
I can relate to this video. I would say how codependency affects me is that people would not respect my boundaries so I would just give up rather than I should not be around those people. They are unhealthy toxic people. I will try to watch more of your videos. Thank you..
You're welcome, Darin. Best wishes!
Counselor Carl is Cool!
Thank you very much! I've been called many things - mostly good - but that is a first!
As someone who was on the receiving end of a coda, I can say without reservation that Counselor Carl nailed it. Contrary to popular belief not all codas need a narcissist. I was (and now am again) a strong willed confident person but I let my coda control everything to the point of me becoming a drunk, needy, pathetic, loser. I even got suicidal before finally removing myself from the grips of a 22 year battle with a coda. The insidisnous of this type of person is that they ARE indeed the most loving, caring, and giving people you will ever meet. If being addicted to someone who is so loving and kind makes you a narcissist, then guilty as charged The problem is they want it all and they will take it all until there is nothing left.
Within 3 months of ending a 22 year relationship with a coda I got sober, got my faith back, dropped 40 pounds, got a fantastic job, got promoted 2 months on the job, rebuilt my relationships with my children, stopped anti-depressants, and haven't been depressed since. Not joking. Has the break been easy? No way. Worth it? Yes!
I would love to place my success at the alter of sobriety or faith in God and indeed these had and continue to have a major impact on my recovery and success. However, any sane person could not look at this situation and ask, "there has got to be something else going on here". There is.
My heart goes out for the codas of the world because I loved one (dearly) for a very long time but their addiction trumps everything, their constant need for love distorts reality, and they completely fail at seeing how their needs could be met by how others value them everyday, just in ways they aren't paying attention too.
Listen to Counselor Carl. He sounds and acts like a good man who understands this devastating affilication. I desparately wanted and tried to love back in a way that would meed the needs of my ex (coda) but the controlling nature of this addicition is so strong that it renders everything else moot.
Many of the comments here and other places label the other person as a narcissist. I have a proposition for you. Stop controlling for 90 days and just let the other person be themselves. Let them work on a project without you getting involved. Let them load the car the way they want before you leave for somewhere. Let them discipline and talk to the children in their way. Let them load and unload the dishwasher however they want to. Let them fail miserably at something they are trying to do. Let it ALL go. If your emotional needs arent being met after faithfully letting go for 90 days then you might be with a narcissist.
Tom Tommorrow. Thank you for sharing your story! Best wishes!
Thank you I found you by accident I am trying to help a alcoholic friend.your talks very helpful 🙏🏿🕉
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Great video
Thank you!
Yes, changing the operating system. Negotiate, at first I was scared, now I have no problem stating what I would prefer. Progress not perfection.
and action is better than perfection. It`s better to ask for forgivness than permission. we are not perfect, and others are not perfect.
HI Carl ,
Thanks for your videos. I am a child and youth psychotherapist based in the Philippines. I am preparing some group interventions for 25 youth with drug related problems. I am planning to use your method and Erick Erikson stages as first interventions. do you have any suggestions? thanks ahead,
Geraldo Costa Hi Geraldo. I don't really have any suggestions other than working with teens with addiction is a big job. Certainly they need to understand themselves but they also need to understand addiction including things like triggers, dealing with Cravings, relapse prevention, Etc. They also need to learn skills like healthy communication including assertiveness, setting boundaries, and problem solving. I do have a series of videos on addiction too and I think one of them is called something like steps to recovery from addiction. Best wishes.
Thanks for explaining codependency. I was an enabler and rescuer for another codependent person. Now I know I need to let the other person rescue themselves.
You're welcome, Mark! Best wishes!
I like your solutions though
Could you have an updated videos to this
Hi, Leo. I have a Playlist of videos on Codependency. Here is the link: ruclips.net/video/kQYPFeD_AEw/видео.html
My narcissistic mother wants me to do the first coda belief and I never wanted to, for her it's the reason she gets the narcissistic rage and gives me the silent treatment. What about that?
+Elisabeth1903 Well, there is no simple answer. But if you are real with her and tell her what you need, and she does what she has always done, then you will know that she is not capable of being healthy in a relationship with you. However, if she walks the walk (not just talks the talk) and listens respectfully, then maybe with time some healing can take place.
I got better with the first one before finding this video.
Thank you Counsellor Carl. One of the few videos that paints codependents as good people. We are usually called manipulators too
Yes, codependents are good people, but because of shame and fear they have an unhealthy "operating system" that needs to be upgraded to a healthier one, which is what recovery is all about.
1:38 Recovering
Hi Carl, I have a troubled family that uses the label “codependency” without knowing what it is. I hope this video helps them. Thank you.
You're welcome
Thank you so much, I found these videos so healing and constructive.
You're welcome, Mikaya. I wish you the best!
GOD bless you 🙏
Thank you
So MUCH for the comment that codependent people are normal
Just raised in unhealthy environment!
Thank you for THIS video ❤️
You're welcome, Tina. Best wishes!
🙏🙏🙏
Can you make videos for the children of 2 co-dependents????
It's a great idea, but that is not an area of my expertise. I work only with adults.
Thanks for your videos. I'm codependent in a relationship with a narcissist i try to tell him my needs but it's useless, he makes know effort. I feel like lm drowning trying to make him happy. I'm settling for treatment l don't deserve cuz I know I'm obsessed with the fact i can maybe change him or the relationship between us. Even though I know deep down inside there is no real relationship. It's so hard to get out of the relationship. I researched about narcissist and codependent and it's toxic. Do you have any advice.
Hi, Peggy. If you haven't seem my video "5 Steps to Becoming a Recovering Codependent" (ruclips.net/video/EkqFk89btec/видео.html), you could begin there. I give lots of suggestions for letting go of codependent beliefs, rules, and behaviors so you can begin practicing healthy relationships skills. Best wishes!
This sounds exactly like me
So, Lolita, let recovery begin! I wish you the best!
I am getting a divorce. I think both my husband and I are codependent and with other issues. I was trying to fix the relationship and him, he was always running away from our problems and finding other women to confide in. I had to just stop in order to help myself and start on a path of recovery and self love and respect. After we decided to split and eventually divorce I asked him to get all of his stuff out of the house within the next few weeks also that I wanted to keep our bed. He told me I am being an enemy and he needs a friend through this posses. Is this a codependent trap or am I being to cold during a difficult time?
+Erin Bell Hi, Erin. Yes, it sounds like a codependent trap. He wants you to keep taking care of him instead of taking care of yourself. You don't have to be mean to him. Instead, just "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" as you do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Generally after a break up, two people need a certain distance to allow themselves to grieve, heal, and adjust to the "new normal."
I don't really understand Healthy Belief #3 in the video where it says, "I can not make another happy. I can only make myself happy." When people do nice things for me, it makes me feel happy. So I think that the converse would be the case, provided that what I think is nice the other also thinks is nice. Unless that belief #3 means more than temporary pleasing feelings over some particular "nice thing". I also don't understand the "I can only make myself happy." How can one make oneself happy?
You can please others temporarily, but you cannot give anyone else a deep sense of personal fulfillment or happiness with their own life by doing them a little favor. Absolutely, the exchange of kindnesses makes us more happy, but someone who essentially is a miserable mess cannot be made happy inside by your making them pancakes for breakfast, or buying them a bouquet. Is this making sense? My father-in-law had a basically unhappy sense of self, and nothing you could do for him made him do more than come up with a miserable little quarter-smile while he looked for the way in which your favor or gift fell short of his own unstated thoughts of what he REALLY wanted or what he REALLY thought would have been "perfect." I think that's what Counselor Carl means. (PS we finally gave up trying to please him and went about our own biz and let him do the same. It was easier on us. )
Jillian Smith Thank you for explaining that. You are exactly right!
3/3
Counselor Carl, can you talk about boundaries..?
Hi, Melissa. Here are links to two of my videos about boundaries: ruclips.net/video/1lRh33R5dbA/видео.html and ruclips.net/video/0lSkuLzOiQM/видео.html.
I was resonating with you till I heard the beliefs. I think I am codependent and I don’t have any of those going on
It's possible you have these codependent behaviors in some relationships (like with family members) but not in others (like with co-workers or friends).
Oh gosh... this is me
I was super independent until someone who needed real help got involved. Now I am stuck.
Is recovery.even possible if you dont know what you want.
Absolutely! Recovery is the process of getting to know yourself so that you know what you want.
@@SerenityonlinetherapyI would like to believe that. Its hard for me to imagine that possibility. Prayer, avoiding and iisolating feel like my only options. I want to believe you given your experience. Thanks for responding.
.
@@nato2panama Recovery is absolutely possible. You should try to break out of your isolation and build a support system for recovery.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy I do have a support system. II am just not as connected as I once was.
Why are they (we) called codependant? That word confuses me.
Good question! It's from the study of alcoholic families. Researchers understood why the alcoholic stayed with the codependent spouse because the alcoholic needed someone to clean up his or her messes. But what baffled researchers is why the codependent spouse stayed with the alcoholic spouse rather than find a spouse who brought positives to the marriage rather than just chaos and problems. Well, here is the answer: just as the alcoholic uses alcohol as a way to distract and avoid dealing with his or her pain, the codependent spouse uses obsessing on someone else's problems (i.e. the alcoholic) as a way of avoiding dealing with his or her pain. Thus, they are both doing the same thing: the alcoholic drinks to avoid pain; the codependent obsessed on the alcoholic to avoid dealing with pain. So they are both dependent - codependent - but on different things.
Rod
H
I’ve been a Co-dependent my whole life, but... I am definitely recovering 😊
Hi Carl
Can you suggest some good books to recover from childhood sexual trouma
I can not recommend a specific book without knowing more about your childhood sexual trauma. However, you can Google Recovery from childhood sexual trauma for men or women (depending on which one applies). And then I would read the reviews about them and see if any book particularly resonates with you. I wish you the best in your recovery.
@@Serenityonlinetherapy thanks for the rely may I get your email is please
@@amritsarfoundation3483 You can contact me via my website: serenityonlinetherapy.com/
Is codependency a personality disorder?
Zehava K No, it is not. it is not even an official diagnosis on the diagnostic manual. Codependency is learned in childhood, which means it can be unlearned and replaced with healthier beliefs and behaviors.
Counselor Carl
I️ know that I’m codependent perhaps the poster child for codependent but recently I went to therapy and he said what I️ had was a personality disorder that my need for approval is to such an extreme that it’s near impossible to fix it. He said that’s the difference between a mental illness and a personality disorder.
Zehava K. Well I don't know what your therapist was referring to, but codependency is not a personality disorder. It is learned behavior that can be unlearned with insight, practice, determination, and mindfulness. It shocks me that a therapist would tell you that, so maybe you misunderstood him or her.
Thank you,
Maybe he thinks I️ have other things too. I️ don’t know anyone. I’ll just keep trying.
I️ appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Don't be discouraged. Healing and growth is always possible if one is sufficiently motivated.
you’re so cute!